Conflicted
by psyche001
Summary: Her peculiar gift will also prove to be her curse & the one thing haunting enough to drive Edward to his gravest decision ever. Betrayal for her life vs. acceptance for her love. He will save her life but it might cost him her love. M/AH/language/angsty
1. Chapter 1 The Beginning of the End

Welcome to Conflicted. Just a few notes to help you on this emotional rollercaoster of a journey...the ride is wild. The first few chapters paints the picture of Bella's pain and gives you some insight into her mind. Her relationship/peculiar connection to her father is the basis for the the entire story and the thing that will determine the kind of relationship she has with a disturbed Edward.

I promise you that the story is captivating and it gets better and better as you read on. It will shock you somewhere around the middle.

I guarantee that you will fall in love with Edward, like you always do and there will be times when you will love Bella, then want to slap her silly...(like you always do?). I did quite a job on Charlie in this one, but I promise you'll be liking him by the end. Happy reading. I hope you enjoy!

**Chapter one**

**The Beginning of the End **

**BPOV**

I love the sun. I love the way it makes the dew smell in the early morning. I love the way its stubborn and failed attempts to leave its mark on my pale skin has never phased its continuous attempts to try, and I love the way it scorches the wind and turns it into an ethereal warm breeze that could thaw the coldest depths of any rigid thing or person. I love what the world sounds like in the sun…rustling leaves on the ground, chirping birds, crunching dirt under your shoes and I love that it can get angry and become a scorching force of fire in the hills or create the deadliest of earthquakes without warning. And still, after all it can do to shake our trust in it, we cannot live a single day on this earth without it.

But now I was driving away from the sun. I was driving away from all the different kinds of warmth I had known all my life. The airport was already in view and Alice's short spiky hair did a flip floppy dance in the breeze in the back seat of the car. I looked at it dismally. She was quiet in the back seat next to me, but her eyes were unsettled. I knew she was anxious but hopeful about our new move. In fact, I knew she longed for it. She didn't mind leaving Phoenix. She liked the idea of a new place with new people and she most certainly couldn't wait to separate herself from the reason behind our move....the same thing that made me cling to Phoenix in reparation. I looked at her dancing hair again. She took that sensation for granted. She didn't realize that the breeze would never feel quite that warm and playful any more. The light ruffling would surely stop and all that would become of her hair is dampened, hanging locks clinging to the frame of her skull for the natural warmth that her skin could provide.

I let my head fall back to the headrest. Thus far, it was probably the worst day of my existence. The car stopped and my mother, Esme, climbed out first trying her best to keep her smile transfixed on her face. It was too forced though and I could see the new lines of worry and stress stake their claim on her usually flawless skin and beautiful features. I sighed in deflation, trying to displace my resentment for her because it was unjust. I was trying to be mad at her. I needed to place the blame for all of it on someone, but no matter how I tried the result was always the same. There were no perpetrators. We were all victims of a very unfortunate circumstance, and maybe my parents were the ones dealing with the biggest burden of all.

Divorce.

What an ugly word. It should actually be called 'obliteration' or 'family annihilation', because that's what it did. It destroyed everyone and everything in its path, leaving nothing but messes of people behind to be cleaned up.

"Come on girls," Esme urged. "We don't have lots of time. Let's get our luggage in quickly."

With a resigned sigh I got out of the car and watched Uncle Phil haul our suitcases out of the trunk. He wrapped his huge hairy arms over Alice's and my shoulders and playfully hugged us together in a threesome. He ruffled Alice's hair one last time and pinched my nose.

"Be good girls," he winked. I might actually miss him too.

"Always," Alice chirped. I fought to swallow the lump that was growing impenetrable in my throat by the minute. All I could do was nod at him in sheepish acknowledgement. He gave me a pitiful look which I scorned and then he pulled Esme in for a bear hug.

"Call me," he said against her ears. "DOn't be a stranger."

"Thank you Phil," she smiled appreciatively and kissed him. The three of us then walked to the check in counter with our luggage. The more progress we made, the larger the lump grew and I just knew I was leaving the most important part of me behind. The grief welled up inside of me like a gorged balloon wanting to burst from the excruciating pressure. I kept my eyes averted from both Alice's and Esme's as we did all the necessary check in tasks, knowing that they were trying to gage how I was coping by my expression. I could feel Alice trying to gain eye contact, but I turned by back to her at every opportunity and avoided her stare.

The last hour in Phoenix flew by in the most cruel, unsympathetic way. Time was never a friend of mine. It always seemed to working against whatever I wanted. Over and over again I swallowed the painful lump threatening to betray me until we heard our flight number being called and it was time to board. I stared out of the glass screen wall onto the runway and suddenly panic gripped me as I realised that would be the last I would see of Phoenix in a very long while. I knew I'd be back inevitably to visit the source of my current grief but that time right then seemed so distant and surreal that it almost didn't exist. Esme saw the panic in my eyes and she held on to my shoulders in an attempt to shake me out of it. I looked at her and in her eyes I saw a reflection of my pain, only it wasn't mine in her eyes, it was hers; and behind her pain I saw remorse and guilt and the weight of accepting part of the responsibility for what was happening. I hated making her feel that way but at that moment, the panic was stronger and it was the only feeling I could give precedence to.

"I can't leave him," I choked out as the tears finally broke through. "Please don't make me. I can't."

"We're not _leaving_ him Bella," Alice complained and I shot her an incredulous look. "He's still our dad and we'll be seeing him this summer. Geez."

"Then what do you call this?" I demanded. "We're_ are _leaving him behind. We're boarding a plane with all our life packed away to a place in the middle of nowhere."

Alice let out an exasperated huff of air.

"You're such a drama queen. He's my dad too you know. You're not the only one hurting right now." Her eyes were accusing, like I was trying to claim him for myself only.

"Bella," Esme said softly, trying to soothe me. "This is not how I wanted it to be. You know that. It's just how it happened and I'm sorry that…"

"I know the story mom," I cut her off, not wanting her to have to apologize to me for the hundredth millionth time. "I just don't like leaving him. Can't you understand that?"

My father, Charlie, was the closest person to me. Ever since I knew myself, he and I were like two peas in a pod, twin souls, twin minds, the same person almost...just in different bodies. He used to joke and tell me that I was just an extension of himself, the left overs that God didn't know what to do with, so he just plugged the extras into the daughter...me. I asked him then how come God skipped over the first daughter then. Why did he choose me? Of course he had no answer to that, because he was just kidding and I had a habit of overanalyzing everything, including things that were supposed to be light and forgotten, turning it into a serious mess that it wasn't supposed to be in the first place.

In any event, Charlie and I were too goddamned alike for it to go unnoticed and that was the reaosn we meshed so well, too well maybe. It was also the thing that separated us from Esme and Alice. Alice was chipper, bouncy, fiesty and musical. Esme was pleasant and ever graceful with a charm that that could melt anyone into putty in her hands. And then there was Charlie and me, two introverted, shy beings who kept to ourselves, hated crowds and utterly despised being fussed over. We preferred to suffer our idiosyncrises in silence and avoided attention at all costs.

* * *

Esme's frustration with me mounted in the airport and her usually calm demeanour was threatening to crack.

"We need to board the plane right now Bella," she urged. "I promise we'll talk about it again when we get to Washington."

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," I answered. "I just wish it would all go away. I'm tired of talking about it."

Again the pang of guilt scorched me as I realized I'd hurt her yet again. Alice was typically flabbergasted with me by that point. She and Esme were the pair, like Charlie and I were. It just sort of happened that way and no one disliked it particularly. It's just the way it was. The fact that they had each other even though our family was being torn apart wasn't lost on me and I very literally felt as if I was leaving the other half of me behind.

Alice and I weren't always like resisting poles on a magnet. We were close enough. She was a year and a half older than me and excruciatingly girlie. We've never had any real kind of sibling rivalry. However, the 'obliteration' took a toll on our relationship as I openly gave Charlie the support she thought should have been put behind Esme. I worried about him constantly. Would he eat properly once I wasn't there to cook? Who would wake him off the couch to go upstairs to bed? Who would take the bottle off his chest at night, throw it away and gently wipe the spillage off his face? Who would tell him that the fish he caught was his best catch yet even though it resembled the size of his bait?

My connection with Charlie was stronger than anything I shared with anyone else. I loved my mother and sister and there were a few other family members that I liked. Friends came and went, but there was never any bond strong enough to be considered long term. I was usually the odd one out, the quiet, awkward, clumsy pale girl that no one minded but never cared much about either; and Esme never seemed to resent my connection to Charlie, except for the times when it scared her. I never knew how to explain it and so I shied away from it, but Charlie and I were so oddly the same and so mentally connected that as a child we could feel each other's presence before either one of us entered a room and sometimes even before the phone rang.

Growing up, for me, it was probably more intense as a couple of times I actually sensed danger around him and freaked out. Esme was confused and scared by my claims, especially because everytime I freaked out we would get phone call soon after that Charlie was in trouble. When we got the call about him being shot in the shoulder on the job (he was the Chief of Police), after I complained about a pain in my shoulder and fussed that Charlie was hurt, she almost went out of her mind and her confusion gave way to frantic worry about me. As much as she didn't mind my closeness to him, there were times when she thought my connection to him was unhealthy, though she tried her best not to smother me with her anxiety. The second time I sensed him in danger, I was in school when all of a sudden I suffered from an anxiety attack. I didn't know what was happening but I knew Charlie was in pain and my entire body seized. I remember for a while feeling intense and painful pins and needles shoot up and down my legs and later that afternoon I knew why. Charlie had fallen off the roof of our house while trying to fetch some kid's Frisbee and broke his both legs.

That sort of thing didn't happen much as a child, but if anything I thought it was necessary and I clung to it, because he had an uncanny way of drawing trouble to himself and I thought that that my gift could help him. I was never able to stop bad things from happening to him, but he knew that I tried and though he tried to appreciate it, I could sense that he too wasn't completely comfortable with it.

I was in a complete mess during the divorce. I monitored him and worried about him constantly and when Renee came into the picture the headaches started and never went away. Esme was a mess. Not only did she have to deal with Charlie's affair but she realized the way it affected me and it compounded her resentment for Charlie even more.

I was no expert at marriage, but I was pretty sure that if things are sour enough with a man who is drunk enough, just about any form of marital disaster is possible and an affair always seemed to rank amongst the most popular of marital distasters. I knew that in his heart it wasn't what he wanted to do and it wasn't like him. It was what he felt he needed to do to salvage what pride he had left after his wife started to ignore him completely and publicly.

His drinking soon escalated and became a problem, although I found that he knew _when_ to drink. He never drank when he drove and never when he was on duty. It was always either at home, or when he spent the night out. However, those times were bad enough to make up for all the time he spent controlling it and it erased any brownie points he might have gotten for good behavior.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't condone Charlie's behaviour. I hated seeing my hero being reduced to the next best sex scandal in the neighbourhood and I hated seeing the pain and embarrassment it caused my mom. I hurt for him and I hurt for her and there were many times I tried to talk him out of it. But he only looked at me with those sad, deep, soul searching eyes of his and said things like I was an angel who would go straight to heaven for caring so much about a poor, undeserving bastard like him. He promised me over and over that he would be better for me and for Alice but his promises were empty and the more he hurt from his relationship gone bad with Esme, the more he drank. The more he drank, the more his promises turned into stuttered excuses, and the more he stuttered the more he cried, and the more he cried the more he gave up, until his life crumbled all around him and Esme filed for a divorce.

I couldn't blame her. I wouldn't be married to him either. My undying affection and loyalty to him had everything to do with the fact that I had his blood running through my veins and the fact that he read to us every night before bed when we were little and even now if I asked him to, he would. It was the fact that he knew me better than anyone else in my life, knew the kind of day I had just by the song I chose to listen to or by the way I stroked my hair. It was the fact that he put a pebble under my pillow next to my tooth so that I'd get two dollars instead of one from the tooth fairy; the fact the actually _did _dress up like the tooth fairy that one time and got caught. He arrested the monsters under my bed, ate the bed bugs before they had a chance to bite me and painted my room in five different colours because he knew I'd be stressed trying to analyse which colour was best to suit my every mood. Charlie was my hero, _is_ my hero, the man in my life and the only male force that was forceful yet gentle enough to guide me toward the person I turned to be. I didn't know how to leave him behind.

Alice was really angry with him about Renee and rightfully so. She still hadn't gotten over it. The fighting in the end was so nasty that most times Alice would take me away from the house and occupy me until she thought it was safe to go home. It was a very painful situation and it almost always ended with all four of us in tears, so I was capable of fully appreciating why Alice found peace and solace in the fact that it was over and looked forward to the promise of a new place with new people. We wouldn't be the target of pity at school anymore, nor the topic of gossip.

_Hey did you see the Chief all over that Renee girl from the diner? Imagine that! The Cheif of fucking Police. He has no shame! Right there in public with his wife at home with the kids. I wonder if he sleeps with his gun next to him at night. I wouldn't if I were him. His wife might shoot him with it_._ And who could blame her!_

Gossip.

Another ugly word. They should have called it 'malevolent incineration,' because well…..that's what it is; and it was everywhere. Poor Esme. I hated seeing her hide herself in her work and hide from the public eye and pretend like it was all okay. But the worse it got, the more distant she became until she was practically nonexistent in his life anymore. They were both to blame. I forgot why or how it started but the result was the same regardless of how you looked at it or who started it. I tried to be strong for her, but undoubtedly I ached more for Charlie, because he was hurting just as much as she was or maybe even more. He had to battle with the self hatred and with the responsibility of being the one in the end to really bring it all to a crashing halt. He knew his affair and his drinking was hurting us but he just didn't know how to stop or how to fix it. So instead, he self destructed.

Our parting was worse than the actual divorce I think but then, I wasn't the one getting divorced. When he realized that Esme won custody and that she had gotten a good job offer in Forks, Washington, I actually saw him age ten years in sixty seconds. Esme was a successful architect and had just gotten through to be a partner in a new and promising architectural firm in Forks. It was a life saving moment for her and she jumped at the opportunity, naturally. But it still meant that I had to leave Charlie behind.

His goodbye with Alice was strained. He tried to hold her and apologize for everything. She hugged him back and even sniffled a little but she was very angry with him and he had long since fallen off his pedestal in her life. My last ten minutes with him was singlehandedly the worst ten minutes of my life until then. His eyes were red and puffy from days of crying and drinking and when he held on to me, it was with a rough and desperate clutch. He tried not to talk for fear that he would crack, and he tried to be strong but underneath it all I saw a broken man who was already a very lonely man, on the verge of being even lonelier.

He liked being alone, yes, but _lonely _was quite a different size nut to wolf down. He just squeezed my hands and my shoulders repeatedly and sent me a million messages through his eyes. I had promised myself that I wouldn't cry because I hated making it any worse for him than it already had to be. No matter how much it hurt Esme or Alice or me, we were the ones moving on and he was the one being left behind and being left behind is _always_ the suckier end of the stick.

It was the most gut wrenching, suffocating scene and the cruellest way to leave him. I couldn't stand it. He was already an alcoholic and I knew that plunging him into that kind of loss would only make it worse. I couldn't look at him anymore for fear of breaking down and creating a huge scene that nobody wanted. So I smiled at him weakly and returned the squeeze with my hands then told him in a very husky voice that he would hear from me the moment we landed and every day after that. That seemed to soothe him minutely and he let go of me and shoved his hands into his pockets. I didn't waste any time once he let go, for fear that I would break down. I escaped into the car and turned my face the other way and the lump in my throat just couldn't be swallowed.

* * *

As the plane lifted off, I closed my eyes and shoved my ipod head phones into my ears, just so that Alice would understand that I needed alone time. She knew and she didn't agitate me any further. The plane ride to Washington was quick because again, time was not my friend and it plunged me into Forks without allowing me ample time to adjust. I willed myself to sleep and thankfully it came. It was the only thing that helped my sore and overworked head, and even though sleep was an accessory to time, it helped me to attain the peace in my conflicted mind.

Goodbye Phoenix; goodbye sun and dry rustling leaves; goodbye warm breeze; goodbye Charlie. Hello overcast, damp, wet and cold sticky emptiness. Hello loneliness.

Hello Forks.


	2. Chapter 2 Get the Forks away from me

**A/N: You'll find that this story has a lot of paralells with the Twilight story, for instance, the back drop in Forks, the cars etc. The plot however is original and quite unique as you will find as you read on. Happy reading!**

**Please forgive any errors / typos. You get to meet Edward in the next chap :)**

* * *

**Chapter two**

**Get the Forks away from me**

Forks consisted of a little over 3000 people and the fact that I could have easily fitted that amount into my High School alone back in Phoenix, was discomforting. I figured that meant that Forks' High would have only a few hundred students, which meant that it would have been harder to fade into the crowd. Alice didn't blend well in any case. She was usually a stand out and she liked it, and even though I possessed an innate tendency to shy away from crowds and attention, being a new kid in a small town wasn't something I could hide from. I knew that I would have to bite the bullet and stomach the attention for the first few days because no amount of loathing or cringing would make it go away; and as much as I hated the idea of Alice and me being the latest cure for the small town boredom, I had to admit that I enjoyed seeing some semblance of old Alice again. Her excitement, though not contagious, was refreshing.

Her planned outfit alone was enough to raise an eyebrow on my part. The temperature in Forks wasn't anything like the temperature in Phoenix, yet still she insisted on a thin fitted sweater over black leggings and calf high boots. She'd probably freeze to death in that ensemble and stylishly so; but at least she'd die with a pretty smile on her face.

If truth be told however, and in spite of her fixation on appearances and her liking for the finer things in life, Alice was loyal once proven worthy of her trust and a huge source of support for Esme and me. She was also a stickler for detail, extremely proficient, protective and hated being unorganized. She loved a challenge and the moment she was allowed the opportunity to pioneer a project, her suspected case of manic OCD kicked into gear.

Condition or not, that OCD worked to her advantage because she almost always got what she wanted through her persistence. She never quit trying to convert me either. It didn't matter how much I sulked, turned her down or flat out hid from her; she found me and tried to make me a girl. Much to her chagrin, that was one fight she always lost because I never let her touch my clothes, hair or face. Like I said, she_ almost_ always got whatever she wanted. I loved her immensely though, and I usually tried to make up for my lack of cooperation in the vanity department by staying close to her and allowing her to think that she needed to save me from myself. The move to Forks was daunting and I was terribly relieved that I didn't have to face it on my own.

I hated Forks already and like a stubborn child I wished that I could have found a way to magically make it all disappear. The air was so cold and damp that it was suffocating. The human lung wasn't designed to inhale a constant stream of moisture, of that I was certain and more often than not, I found myself taking in short harsh breaths of air in order to acclimatize my lungs to the stinging, wet cold. The sky was perpetually gray and it couldn't bloody well decide whether or not it wanted to rain. Breeze was non existent. I couldn't bring myself to call the harsh, lashing cold wind, breeze. Standing outside for more than ten minutes at a time did more to my skin than a lifetime of sun hadn't managed to accomplish, as the tip of my nose and my cheekbones got blistered and red from the assault. It was painfully ironic.

Our house was smaller than the one in Phoenix, but my no means lacked anything. It was a two storey, three bedroom place with two bathrooms, a living area, small study, dining room and a kitchen. The kitchen was small and despite the size of it, a massive wave of nostalgia hit me the first time I saw it because it made me think about Charlie and his eating habits. During the last few months of the divorce I had prepared his meals for him, particularly dinner after work. If Charlie didn't have food prepared and sitting in front of him, he wouldn't eat. He was of no use to himself in the kitchen and by then, things had gotten so bad between him and Esme that in her depression and bitterness, she had stopped doing things like cooking. Maybe she found solace in the fact that she had girls for children and even though Alice was a near epic disaster in the kitchen, I knew my way around one pretty well.

I revelled in the days that he was on duty because those were his sober days. The backlash of that however, was that his sober days were also his most quiet and depressive. He would sit quietly with me to eat, read the paper then go to sleep in the grumpiest of dispositions. I knew his reason for sleeping on the couch, though I pretended that I didn't and as far as I was able to ignore it, the reality didn't hurt as much. Many nights, I tried to wake him and urge him upstairs to his bedroom and though sometimes he obliged, I knew that he always waited until he thought I had fallen asleep, then sneak downstairs again to the couch. Even after I had figured him out, mainly because every morning I'd find him on the couch again, I still continued our routine because I hated the idea of admitting to what was happening and because I didn't want him to feel disappointed that I had stopped trying to take care of him. He liked that I was concerned and as much as we were people who hated being fussed over, we accepted it from each other on occasion.

* * *

Esme seemed to be adjusting to Forks a lot quicker than was normal. She knew everything about the place, where to find everything and even how to manoeuvre on the slippery roads…as if she'd been practising. I'd have crashed already for sure. She was all over the house during our first day there, unpacking boxes that were shipped over beforehand, hanging curtains and organizing what would go where with Alice. Of course Alice's suspected OCD kicked into overdrive and she was all over it like white on rice. I tried to help, except it made me feel worse and I couldn't get my mind off Charlie and about how wrong it felt to be doing any of it without him. It felt like we were ignoring him. It felt wrong and cruel especially because I wasn't the one that didn't want him anymore, it was Esme. I worried about him, about if he ate properly and about how much he drank.

In the middle of all the unpacking I remembered my promise to call him, so I escaped to my new room upstairs where I could talk to him privately. I dialled him three times until I decided to leave him a voice message, slightly irritated by the fact that he didn't answer when he knew that I'd be trying to call.

_"Hey this is Charlie, leave a message…"_

"Hey Dad," I said, balancing myself on the edge of my bed. "It's me. Why aren't you answering? Well, we're here. What are you doing? Call me."

I snapped my cell shut and stared at it silently for a few minutes as if I expected it to ring immediately afterward with him on the other end. I missed him dreadfully already. The absence of him in my life all of a sudden was nagging and disconcerting, especially because I knew that without me there to keep an eye on him, he would continue to self destruct with his drinking. It wasn't like I thought that I could stop him, but I knew that he tried to go easy or at least to hide it when I was around, because he knew how much it upset me. He wasn't the type to rise to the occasion either. He was the 'buckle under the pressure' type and it irked me that the time in his life when he needed me more than ever before, I was stuck in Forks under court order…_decorating._

There was another thing that just hands down pissed me off. The day before our first day of school Esme had an announcement to make. She all but bubbled over in glee when she approached Alice and me in the kitchen. Alice fed off her vibe easily and perked up in anticipation when she saw the excitement in Esme's face. Me on the other hand, I grew immediately suspicious. Esme had a tendency of trying to bribe herself back into our good graces and seeing that she felt mostly responsible for uprooting our lives and causing some degree of emotional trauma, I expected her to try to _make it up_ to us eventually. My heart rate escalated when she rubbed her hands together. It had to be an oncoming bribe; the glee was just too genuine. I almost cringed.

"Guess what ladies," she chimed.

"Tell me, tell me," Alice clapped, enjoying the mischief in Esme's eyes. Even I had to admit that it was refreshing to see after months of depression, though the nagging suspicion kept me right in check.

"Girls," she went on and all too soon, her eyes reverted to the familiar guilt ridden haze that we had come to know. "I know this is very hard for you." She glanced at me then. "It's very hard for me too."

When she looked at me like that, I felt her guilt rub off onto me and it made me feel lousy for giving her a hard time and for obviously showing more support for Charlie than her in the whole mess. I knew how hard it was for her and for a long time she kept on a brave face because she didn't want us to know the extent of her damage. In that moment of eye contact between us, I made a mental promise to myself and to her to be braver and to try harder, all in the name of healing.

"But I have a good feeling about this," she continued. "And Bella..."

She came over to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. "I love you and I know how much of a challenge this is especially for you. I hope you understand that I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally."

_No, only unintentionally_. _Stop it Bella! _Mental scolding was a habit ever since I'd known myself.

"But I really do think this is the best thing for all of us. I have a great feeling about Forks. I love this little town and I hope that the two of you will fall in love with it the way I did."

I seriously doubted that. The situation was in no way the best thing for Charlie and by extension me; and falling in love with Forks was not on the agenda either. It was a laughable concept, especially with the amount of contentious energy I had sputtering inside of my chest ever since I had arrived there.

"I promise it will get better," Esme went on with her pep talk and I waited anxiously for the punch line, the thing that she was oiling us up so nicely for.

"So there's something I have to show you, which I _hope_ will help you to adjust quickly."

That had to be it; the inevitable bomb, the bribe. I knew then that something was bought.

"So give it!" Alice squealed.

With a wider grin, Esme dipped into her pocket and pulled out a key.

"Wha…?" Alice cocked her head to the side with one eyebrow arched, looking exactly like an animated pixie right at that moment. She blanched in the next second and opened her eyes to the size of two saucers.

"No way!" She shrieked and she lurched toward Esme to snatch the key out of her hand. The possession in her eyes when she got the key raised my pores and I watched her careen toward the front door like a bat that had been chased out of hell.

I blanked out for a moment or two as Esme laughed behind Alice and followed her to the front door. Four things happened simultaneously after that. Alice let out a squeal so high pitched that any higher only dogs would hear, Esme tripped on the welcome mat in her hurry to run out after Alice and an acute awareness of Charlie shot through me, just before my phone started to vibrate in my pocket.

"A freaking _Porshce_?!" Alice shrieked. "Oh my _God_!"

I froze.

_A_ _what?_ I thought. _What the….?_

My phone continued to demand my attention so I grabbed at it and distractedly read the number even though I already knew who it was. Grateful to escape the screaming tirade that was Alice, I ran up the stairs to my room and shut myself in to take the call.

"Hello!" I gasped.

"Bella?" Charlie answered."Bella!"

"Charlie," I sighed and the sound of his voice made me break down and cry. I usually called him by his first name when I was being affectionate with him and ironically enough, I called Esme by hers when I was trying to annoy her.

"Bells," he pleaded. "Please don't cry. You're only going to make me do it too and I'm a grown. Please stop."

I couldn't stop though and when he realized how uncontrollable my sobbing was; he remained quiet and just let me get it out. When I was finally able to pull myself together again, he spoke.

"I hope that helped. Feeling any better?"

"No," I complained huskily and wiped at my nose with the back of my hand. "I hate this."

"I hate it too, although I have to admit…it feels good to be the strong one for once."

I rolled my eyes and sucked in a harsh breath of air. He was trying to be cheeky, but cheeky didn't suit him.

"I miss you already."

"I miss you too Bells. I miss all of you."

The implication of Esme in the _"all of you_" wasn't lost on me either.

"How was your flight?"

"I slept."

"Good."

"I guess."

"How are Alice and your mom?"

"Oh they're just grand," I scoffed. "Esme bought us a new car." I intentionally omitted the kind of car, however.

"And you're not happy about that…why?" He asked.

"I'm not sure yet. It just seems so overdone."

"But Bella, you girls are going to need a way to and from school everyday. Don't be so hard on her. She loves you, more than anything else in the world. You know that."

"Charlie, don't do that," I rolled my eyes. Whenever he tried to back her up on anything it always felt forced. I wanted him to unleash his frustration and get angry instead of always being the wounded, hurt and unfortunate one who drowned his sorrows in alcohol. Alcohol was not the right way to deal with his pain, it only made him more pathetic and I utterly detested the image of pathetic Charlie. The Charlie I grew up with was not pathetic. He was the 'monster buster' and the saviour on a golden chariot, and people who drove chariots were never drunk.

"Look," he said. "Regardless of whatever, I still think a car is a great idea."

He paused then and when I didn't respond to him he went on, though his tone changed to a quieter, more pensive one.

"Don't punish yourself because you think I can't handle this Bella. You deserve to be happy and _you _being happy isn't unfair to me."

I felt another onslaught of tears charge behind my eyelids and I swallowed dejectedly at the lump in my throat.

"I'll be ok," he finished.

_Hardly likely with a bottle wedged to your mouth all the goddamned time,_ I thought sarcastically.

"When do you start school?"

"Tomorrow," I winced as the looming miasma settled over me. I was not looking forward to it.

"Wish you luck. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I love you Bells. Please send my love to Alice."

"Love you too. I will," I answered, though I wanted to add… "_Please don't drink anymore tonight."_

He disconnected the call from his end after that. It was good to hear his voice even though he couldn't hide the traces of defeat in his attempt at strength. It wasn't something that was likely to go away overnight and I expected that, but it didn't make it any easier to handle.

Thankfully, Esme and Alice left me in my room undisturbed for the rest of that evening. I only ventured out much later to get some dinner. Esme had already turned in, but I found Alice in the sitting room sorting through a box of picture frames. That was the absolute worst and last task that I would have volunteered for. I wasn't going to put any framed pictures of our family up without Charlie in them. No matter how split up we were, he was still a part of our family. I stayed clear of the sitting room afraid to discover that his face wasn't in any picture that Esme chose to put out, but Alice heard me and followed me into the kitchen.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey." She looked a little restless, like there was something on her mind that she was obviously having trouble with.

"What is it?" I urged. She huffed out a loaded breath of air and took a seat on one of the stools by the island.

"Esme was sort of hurt that you didn't come see the car," she said and I had to roll my eyes. I had a feeling that it would be about the stupid car.

"Well…" I shrugged. "Alice really, a Porsche?"

"Why the hell not?" She scoffed. _Of course,_ she loved it. "Bella, you can be so arrogant sometimes."

"I'm not trying to be arrogant Al," I groaned.

"Then what?"

"It's just that a car by itself is already a big deal, but a _Porsche_? I just think it's a bit much and how the hell did she even afford it in the first place?"

"Ok," she stood and I saw her take a deep breath to centre herself. "One, I don't plan on asking her because honestly, I don't care. She's our mother and she got us that car and I'm going to drive it. I'm sure there's a very good reason for how she afforded it. Come on…it's Esme, and wasn't this new job like a really good life saver or something? Whatever. Two, you really need to lighten up and go easy on her. She's pretty stressed out, she's trying really hard to make this work and you're not making any of this easier by sulking all the time."

I almost choked on my own saliva. I folded my arms across my chest and stared at her defiantly, fighting for the right words for an awesome come back, but there were none. She was right. I had promised myself that I would be braver and try to be more accepting of everything, and turning my back on Esme and the car was not any of that. All it did was hurt her. I shoved my body back against the fridge door and raised my eyes to the ceiling.

"You're right." I gave in. "I'll thank her in the morning. A car might actually be handy."

"Hell fricking yeah," she rolled her eyes, but her face lit up immediately after as she simmered down with my compliance.

"Charlie sends his love by the way," I said and she smiled uncomfortably.

"Thanks," she replied. "I'll give him a call in a few days. I won't abandon him Bella."

"Please don't. He won't be able to bear it. You know, you want me to go easy on Esme, but sometimes I wish you'd do the same for Charlie."

"I know." She turned her eyes down to the floor dismally and pointed the toes of her right foot into the corner of a tile. Things got quiet and awkward and I saw her struggle through the proverbial battle of taking sides in her head. I wished that it wasn't that way and I knew that we didn't actually consciously choose sides either. It was just the effect of the nature of our relationships with our parents. I knew that Alice loved Charlie, but I also knew that once you damaged her trust in you, it wasn't easy getting back into her good books and for that, he would have hell to pay. I decided to change the topic then in an attempt to lighten the mood a bit.

"So…is it pretty?"

Her head sprung up then and her eyes dazzled, immediately snapped out of her melancholy.

"It's fricking beautiful! Come see!"

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews so far. Please continue! Reviews are better than a shiny yellow Porsche! (BTW, the Porshce will be explained in a later chapter. *wink*)**


	3. Chapter 3 If looks could kill BPOV

A/N: Edward enters....squeeeeee! (pardon the fangirl hysteria). His first POV is next!

**Chapter three**

**If looks could kill** (BPOV)

I winced as I stepped out into the rain, the freezing cold as ice rain, with Alice. It was the middle of March and apparently there was nothing to celebrate in the skies over Forks.

_Miss the sun, miss the sun, miss the sun,_ I thought begrudgingly, seeing my breath escape my nostrils in puffs of mist as it clashed with the stinging cold.

Esme and I had made up again over breakfast and I offered her a warm hug in thanks for the car, the car that posed too many questions, though none of which I was ready to raise since promisng Alice to go easy on our mom. Elated with my reception, Esme jumped into her own car and left for work.

I was happy to bury the hachet with her, for the while, because surely there would be a few more hatchets to bury as time passed.

"Watch the ice on the ground, Bella," Alice called out to me with her arms outstrethced as she manouvered. "It's so slippery!"

_Great, yet another hurdle to add to my rapidly increasing list,_ I winced as I made my way to the car.

Alice was getting a kick out of all of it. Her excitement, though palpable, didn't quite reach me. I wasn't particularly known for my grace or easy balance, so facing a slippery, dodgy ground was not making the morning any better. Luckily I made it into the car safely and watched as Alice beamed and bounced in the driver's seat and just as I'd expcted, overflowing with all the joys of spring, ironic as it might have been in that goddamned sulky weather. The car roared into smooth life and I had to admit that it sounded impressive and graceful. I knew Alice would be a very good mother to it.

We drove for fifteen minutes at most before the school came into view. The parking lot was littered with students and surprisingly enough, the building didn't look like one that belonged in a ghost town. It was modern enough and the kids looked normal enough.

_Well, normal compared to me anyway._ I told myself as I started closing my coat in around me. _They'll never know._

We found a spot easily enough and Alice parked like a proud mother showing off her newborn baby.

"Here goes nothing," Alice smiled at me before getting out of the car. I did the same but in a much less obvious manner. Already, and as I rightly predicted, the Porsche in all its yellow glory attracted too much attention, but Alice was yet to be beat out by a car; no no. She had dressed the part, so the moment she descended from the yellow chariot all eyes gravitated toward her, distracted from the yellow glow that was now dwindling into the recesses of their minds.

_What _carright?

I was relieved actually that it worked out that way since no one actually saw _me_ walking next to Alice. I hated attention and being one of the new girls at Forks' High was not without the disadvantages and added pressure of curious whispering, pointing and staring by the existing cast of this dreadful play. I relaxed in the momentary comfort of Alice's shadow and in the fact that my plain mustard yellow coat which went down to my thighs, my very regular blue jeans which neither clung nor hung around my small frame and my sweater that screamed _comfy comfy comfy, _would never stand out in a strutted into that place like she owned it and Forks High never stood a chance.

Of course we had to split up as Alice, being older, was a senior and I was still a junior. So my classes were in blocks eight and nine while hers were in blocks 11 and 12.

"Meet me for lunch?" She smiled before waving me goodbye.

"Sure," I smiled back. I missed her already.

The morning dragged on. I had three periods before lunch and they all started the same way. I was introduced as Isabella Swan and greeted by a sea of blank stares that any more focused would have popped a vessel in my head. The urge to pull the mustard yellow hood over my head was strong but I left it in place deciding instead to keep my coat on even though it was relatively warm inside. The new weather would take a lot of getting used to, I knew, and until then I hid in the warmth and comfort of my snuggly coat, especially since the ends of my hair was damp and seeping in through the neckline of my t-shirt; Ugh.

_"Looks like a fireman hand me down," _I heard one boy snort in ridicule. I assumed he was referring to my coat.

So yes, it was heavy and bit long and oversized, but it did the job. The much dreaded attention suffocated me and I felt myself shrink even further within myself, a feat I thought impossible as I had already sunk to levels so deep inside that there was nowhere left to go but up and out. Even after the teachers started their lectures I could feel eyes boring into the back of my skull and the sides of my face. The bell never rang fast enough to end the torture so I sat still with my head forward and tried to pay attention. What made it worse was that no one actually said anything directly to me. Most just wondered about me out loud and whispered amongst themselves; and intentional or not, I thought it was rude and it incensed me. The last period before lunch was the first interaction I'd had with a guy named Mike Newton who sat next to me and appointed himself as my chaperone.

"Hey Isabella," he smiled cheerfully. I looked at him gloomily. He was average looking, with spiky light brown hair and highlights of strawberry blond. "Is it ok if I call you Bella? I'm Mike."

"Yes actually. Bella is better. Hello Mike."

He held out his hand to shake mine. His fingers were kind of soft and clammy and so after two seconds or so, I let go and shoved mine back into my coat pocket.

"So you got this class?" He went on.

"No actually," I answered with a rasied eyebrow and a half chuckle. "I just like sitting around in random classes until the teacher realizes and kicks me out."

He appreciated that and slapped the table hard as he laughed, making me jump.

"Right," he pointed a playful finger at me. "Well, looks like we'll be seeing a lot of each other then. If you have this class, means you're in Trig....right?"

"Yeah," I answered. "Unfortunately."

"Sweet," he grinned, bouncing in his seat. "We could sit together and if you want....you can even copy off me. You know...and if you want....I'm available for dates and...stuff."

_Great_. I thought. _My first interaction, and already you're trying to flirt._

"Thanks," I smiled as best as I could. "But I think I can manage without having to copy off you."

"And the dates?"

"Hmm....I'm good there too....but thanks."

I didn't want to be rude to him. I was just apprehensive about everything, it being my first day and all and I honestly didn't expect to be asked on a date...or dates within the first half of the day. Mike was a little forward and though pleasant, I'd have preferred it if he'd just kept things light, or just left me alone. Already I felt the distinct urge to get up and run away from him and by the appreaciative look in his eyes I expected that I'd have to navigate around his advances more often than not and I wasn't looking forward to it. His eyes were too keenly set on my face and whenever he thought I wasn't looking, he stared and tried to shift his chair closer to mine. I pacified myself with the notion that I was something novel in their small town, something different, a distraction at most from their mundane lives and that soon enough they would forget about me and go back to normal.

I wondered how Alice was making out.

"Oh," an agitated female voice broke through the walls of my reverie. I looked up to see a short, blond girl with too much make up and too much cleavage standing right beside me with her eyes fixated on Mike.

"Jessica," Mike smiled. "Have you met Bella? She's new!"

"No," she answered, keeping her eyes on Mike. "Haven't had the pleasure yet." Her voice was coated with venom and something inside of me clamped when I realised that venom was directed at me.

"Hey," I said to her, straightening my posture self consciously and glancing at Mike for some kind of subliminal reassurance.

I hoped she wasnt his girlfriend, and not because I was interested in him...god no, but because that would have added embarrassment to the already terse aura in our meeting. Her eyes were not happy to see me sitting next to Mike and Mike was trying his best to make it look like we were a lot more friendly than we actually were.

"Yah, I'm Jessica," she answered, getting impatient as she tapped her foot on the floor. I didn't know where this was going or how to respond to her tapping foot, so I just stared at her, dumbfound as her eyes flashed back and forth between Mike's and mine, suspiciously. Just then the teacher started the class and Jessica restlessly took the seat behind me. I stole a sideways glance at Mike who looked nothing but amused. The daggers behind my head stung forcing me I lean over and rest my chin on my folded arms.

_Just wonderful_, I thought sarcastically. _My first day and already, '_girl'_ trouble._

Finally the bell rang and I wasted no time in sprinting out of the class with my books in my hands and my bag slung over my shoulder. I didn't even bother to pack away. I heard Mike calling after me, but I pretended that I couldn't, pushing my feet as fast as I could through the swarms of students that spilled out from every possible door in the hallway. For a small and seemingly underpopulated school the hallways sure were crowded.

"Bella wait up!"

I moved my legs faster, focusing my ears on the din instead of on his call. If only I knew where the goddamned lunch room was I'd have some sort of direction and though I tried to escape, he still caught up to me.

"Bella," he panted, grabbing onto my elbow from behind. "Where are you going? Aren't you having lunch?"

I stopped, realizing that I didn't know where I was headed and that I'd need some sort of guidance. I narrowed my eyes at him suspicisouly and gave in.

"Yesss?" I responded. "Where's the cafeteria?"

"Well it's not _that_ way. You're heading to the gym." He was rather smug and incredibly amused at all this. He did the most out of place and unpredictable thing then when he moved his hand from my elbow and took my hand in his. "This way pretty lady."

Jessica's glare cut through the clutter like a sharpened blade just out of a fire from where she stood lower down. I yanked my hand away from Mike's irritably and pressed my books firmly to my chest with it. He just grinned and started walking toward the cafeteria with a gesture of his head indicating that I follow him, so I did. We slowed down by Jessica so that he could talk to her.

"You coming?" He said.

Momentarily, the glare in her eyes softened but then it returned just as quickly when our eyes met. There was also a skinny girl with dark hair and large glasses next to her rummaging through her bag for something. The girl smiled at me when she saw me, much to Jesica's disdain and in a split second she went from being potentially friendly to being a controlled subject with a witch's wip cracking over her back.

_Give me break Jessica_, I thought. _Like Mike Newton would be my pick anyway. He's all yours._

So the four of us walked into the lunch room together and I never thought I'd be as relieved as I was to spot Alice when we walked in. She was sitting at a table against a wall at the far end and her head was turned toward the entrance, presumably looking for me. I hurried toward her with my head down.

"Thanks Mike," I said hurriedly over my shoulder as I made my exit from the mis-matched foursome.

"Wait. Where are you going?"

At last, a perfectly good excuse, "To sit with my sister."

His eyes followed to where I pointed and then they widened appreaciatively when he saw Alice get up and make her way over toward me. No doubt he was shocked that the approaching specimen of femalehood was actually related to me. He blanched for a second and gagged, and this time I enjoyed the murderous look Jessica shot his way. The only thing she didn't do was slap him across the back of his head. She surely didn't like the Swan girls thus far and Alice was like the cherry on top.

"See you later," I mumbled and walked toward Alice, hoping to cut her off midway and turn her back around to her table before she could get any closer and start a conversation with Mike. I was successful. Once we were seated at her table I put my head down on my arms and took a deep breath in an attempt to dispel the stress of the morning.

"What's wrong with you?" Alice asked with a hand on my back. I raised my head and saw the other girl sitting across from me for the first time.

"Nothing," I exhaled. "Just glad to escape those two."

Alice looked over her shoulder then, back to where Mike and Jessica were moving toward another table crowded with juniors, presumably where I should have been instead of with the seniors. The girl opposite me pulled her mouth up at one corner and flashed me a small, feigned smile.

"I'm Rosalie," she said.

"Sorry," Alice cut in. "Bella this is Rosalie. We've got most of our classes together. Rosalie, my sister Bella."

"Charmed," Rosalie cooed. If perfection had a face, it would be hers. Her hair was long, pale blond and hung in heavy ringlets down her back and over her shoulders. Her skin was predictably flawless and touched with a slight glow of makeup that made her seem natural and radiant.

"Maybe it's Maybelline," I grunted under my breath.

"What's that?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Uh....nothing," I shook my head and gave myself a mental slap for allowing the words out loud.

From her upper body I could tell that she was tall and perfectly proportioned. I was never the type to be jealous of another girl's looks and I though it would have been easy to pick her to start that unhealthy trend with, I was immediately put off by the blunt coldness that came off through her disposition. There was nothing warm in her her stare, in fact she looked condesending and though I realized she and Alice had already struck up some kind of friendship, and oddly so because Alice was chipper and upbeat, I knew that the Rosalie girl and I would never be close.

"Hi," I said with an awkward nod. It was obvious that I was noticing her and she knew and enjoyed it. She flicked a lock of hair off her shoulder and smiled knowingly to herself and if I could have read her mind I figured she'd be saying, _'Don't hate, appreaciate._'

"I got you this," Alice said and slid a sandwich over to me. I took it absently and smiled at my sister, glad to have something to distract my attention from Rosalie's face. It started making sense that she and Alice found each other and clicked, the more I thought about it. They were both insanely pretty and oozed self confidence. All_ I_ had to do then was locate the next plane Jane in the school and the puzzle would have been complete, albeit a bit off balanced. The three boys who joined us after that thought however shot that theory straight to hell because they were anything _but_ plain.

It was Rosalie's reaction that drew my attention to the first one. Her smile changed into something so feline and seductive that it rose my pores and the swingng of her crossed legs started to vibrate the table. Before I could look over my shoulder to follow her gaze, a rather large and opulent boy bent over and kissed her on the mouth as he sat next to her with a tray of food. I almost blanched for a second time when he materialized in front of me. He was tall and all but popping out of his shirt with muscles, making him look like a square block with black hair. The darkness of his hair made his skin look pale and the smile he wore was just as gargantuan as the rest of him. Rosalie was as happy as a clam all of a sudden and the chill she exuded before got smothered under the weight of his charisma. Again, I had to tear my eyes away because I felt myself staring at the two of them quite sardonically and I would have hated for the look in my eyes to be misconstrued for jeaously, though admittedly, it kind of was.

"Hey Alice," he smiled at Alice once he had Rosalie propped under his arm.

"Emmett," Alice answered. "Meet Bella, my little sister."

He reached over the table with his brawny arm for my hand and waited for me to take it. I looked at it incredulously for a second thinking that my whole foot could have fitted in it probably and with room to spare. I took his hand and smiled politely as he closed his fingers around mine and tried not to crush.

"Emmett Cullen," he grinned then released me. "Seen Edward yet?" He turned to Rosalie and asked.

She scoffed and rolled her eyes dramatically and I noticed the way the table started shaking again with the rocking of her legs underneath. "No thank God."

"Your little brother right?" Alice asked Emmett. "Rose mentioned him to me this morning."

He nodded affirmatively and took a sip off Rosalie's coke.

"Yes, and I'm sure he'd_ love_ to hear you refer to him as my little brother. You should by the way. I'd love to see it," then he laughed. "He and Jasper usually meet us for lunch but I don't know what's keeping them today. They should've been here by now."

"Don't expect much," Rosalie said with the most irritated of expressions. "They're both juniors and Edward isn't very good company. He's rude and blunt. The only reason they hang out with us is because Edward is related to Emmett, lucky for him. I don't mind Jazz that much. He's kind of sweet, but Edward..."

Emmett squeezed Rosalie's shoulder then and pulled her closer to him. "Relax..."

"In fact," Rosalie continued. "He's probably burning a hole into the ozone layer right now with his smoking and that's why he's late."

Emmett shook his head, swallowed something off his tray, then leaned back and planted another kiss on his girl's mouth to which she calmed down and smiled up at him.

It was easy to get lost in their body language with each other. She was obvioulsy very easily irritated and he obviously had some kind of influence over her disposition with his affection for her. Their intimacy was blatant and they made no attempt to hide the nature of their relationship. You either accepted it or removed yourself if it made you uncomfortable.

"Newbies," a male voice cut through my thoughts from above. I looked up to see two boys who arrived next at our table. The one who spoke was shorter than the second, slim with blond hair that looked like it needed to be cut.

_Geez,_ I thought glumly. _Is every other person in this goddamned place blond and pretty?_

He smiled briefly at Alice and me then took the seat next to Emmett. Just like that I felt Alice's body go rigid next to mine and I glanced over at her curiously to catch her painted smile directed to the blond boy who sat. He on the other hand, looked like he was trying to look anywhere but at Alice and me and he shifted incomfortably under the arrows of Alice's stare. I almost nudged her in the ribs in scolding to try to get her to quit staring so obviously as it was clearly making him uncomfortable.

"Hey Jazz," Rosalie smiled, then cast a deliberatly disparaging glare at the second boy who was still standing. I followed her strange but loaded stare up at him as he took the seat between Jasper and me. For a while it looked like he was trying to decide whether or not he should sit, but once he did, his face and aura registered with every last one of my senses. I actually felt my own body react the same way Alice's had to the Jasper boy just a few seconds before and I had to pull back mentally and readjust my mental faculties to the strangeness of it. He sat in the chair next to mine and a wave of self consciousness washed over me.

Something very enigmatic and complicated came off of him and maybe it was more the fact that he sat so close to me, or the way his strong scent distracted me, or maybe it was just the plain and simple fact that one glance at his side profile had my insides knotting up in bunches of twitching nerves; but whatever it was, I had a very literal and physical reaction to him and it was something that I had never felt before. I felt assaulted, especially since the feeling came so unexpectedly and out of the blue. His aura, his sharp bone structure and square jaw, his eyes, his scent, the curve of his mouth and the quiet fervour in his serious and almost angry disposition all culminated into a potent spell that blind sided me. He smelt like musk mixed with dew and……smoke? It was the oddest combination I could think of, but it blended together exquisitely and it suited the harsh look of him perfectly.

The next few seconds seemed to freeze in limbo and my heartbeat both raced and slowed down at the same time, if that were even possible. He was without a doubt the most disturbingly beautiful 'manboy' I had ever seen; and I refer to him as a 'manboy' because he was obviously still a teenager by the perfect pallour of his taut skin and the fact that he sat next to me in a High School cafeteria, yet at the same time there was something about him that set him apart from everyone else; something that hardened him well beyond his years. He was like a man in a boy's body. I sensed darkness in him and somehow I knew by the tortured crease on his brow that his darkness was caused by pain and that there was something in him that just wasn't.....innocent, anymore. I felt it instinctively, probably because I was no stranger to pain myself but for all my instinct and theories about him after just looking at him for a few seconds, I knew that the wall he threw out before him was impenetrable and that I would be a fool to even so much as _try_ to have a peek over it.

"Edward," Emmett grinned and sent a punch over Jasper toward Edward's shoulder. "What the hell took you so long?"

"Holding off the bitches," Jasper chuckled and shook his head.

Edward let a small half smile play on his lips and it appeared as if he purposely kept his face averted from Alice's and mine.

_Thank God!_ I thought.

It gave me the opportunity to rearrange my thoughts, verbally mind slap myself, because I just didn't mid slap myself enough, and tear my eyes away from his side profile before he caught me staring, to which I would have died of humiliation.

"This is Alice and Bella," Emmett said to both Jasper and Edward, gesturing toward us with his big hand. The two boys nodded once at us and started talking to each other in hushed voices. The fact that it was kind of rude didn't phase me at all and by the look on Alice's face, she didn't mind either. I wished she would stop staring at Jasper so openly however, and I cringed when I tranlsated the look in her eyes. I glanced over at him and empathised minutely. He didn't have a prayer. By the glint in her eyes I knew she had settled on him whether or not he cared and knowing Alice, it would only be a matter of time before he did. Our table settled into separate conversations after that. Alice and Rosalie chatted while the boys talked to each other and I noticed the way Emmett and Rosalie never relinquished their bodily contact even though they didn't talk to each other directly.

And then there was me.

I sat there like a muted robot, with my both hands holding onto my sandwich, trying to appear keenly interested in the plastic wrap on it. Every now and again Alice tried to include me in her conversation but because I hadn't been paying attention, I was lost and didn't know to contribute. The abject look on my face alone put her off and she stopped trying after a while.

Try all I might, I couldn't relax next to Edward. Trying so hard to ignore someone only made him stand out in my head more and I was failing miserably at feinging indifference. I picked at the plastic wrap feverishly, tried to fill my head with all kinds of gibberish and stole glances at him whenever my reserve wore thin and couldn't take it anymore. He shifted in his chair one time and his leather jacket clad elbow touched mine briefly on the table top, shooting my awareness of him even higher. I think I even stopped breathing when it happened. He looked at me and I couldn't help but look back. His features were sharp and I saw that he clenched his jaw alot. His skin was pale white and there were hints of bluish dark shadows under his eyes. Maybe he didn't sleep much. His eyebrows were thick and very dark which contrasted beautifully with his clear green eyes and bronze overgrown hair that fell over his forehead almost into his eyes. I had to have been staring at him too intensely because he looked at me again, frowned in what looked like aversion and shifted his eyes away hastily.

_And you were concerned about Alice's staring_, I thought glumly.

Every molecule in my body shot into flames when he looked away and I swallowed over and over as if my saliva could douse the heat inside of me. I screamed at myself inside of my head for being just as obvious as Alice was, and worse, because it seemed that by that point she was ignoring Jasper successfully through her giggling conversation with Rosalie. I had just picked up where she left off. The embarrassment that came with the irritation in his eyes made me more nervous and I started bouncing my legs under the table off my heels. I just knew my cheeks were flushed from the humilation and my apetite had vanished.

I sat there for the entire lunch hour without a word, trying to occupy myself with the desecrating shredding of my sandwich and my bouncing heels. Five minutes before the bell I got impatient and started adjusting and readjusting my coat in preparedness to stand, praying that the bell would save me from my aleniated presence and slow death at the table. However, as badly as I wanted to escape, I didn't have the nerve to get up and draw attention to myself prematurely, not to mention the fact that I would have had to talk to him and ask him to excuse me by moving his chair to the side a bit for me to pass. Brushing my body against his was definitely not an option, so I had to sit and wait for the bell and then for him to get up first so that I could leave. Situations like that was exactly why I preferred being a recluse. Being alone was so much less complicated than pretending to want to fit in with people who would always be just a few classes of human higher than me.

I glanced at my watch impatiently and it seemed like the minute hand was still in the same place as it was five minutes ago. Time was always working against me, like a mearciless, tormenting gnome of an irritation that wasn't happy unless I was unhappy. Whenever I needed more of it it raced away from me and when I wanted it to speed up, it stood still and smiled at me mockingly from its own corner of the universe.

_If I ever got my hands on time_, I thought sarcastially.

Just when I thought my discomfort couldn't get any worse, I felt his eyes on me and I whipped my head toward him to return his stare. Needless to say the not so friendly energy in his eyes annihalated whatever confidence I might have mustered up inside of me to look him square in the eye. I was glad for my heavy sheath of hair that blocked most of my face from his penetrating stare espcecially because his unexplained irritation with me made me want to hide. His arm twitched on the table and he moved his hands into his lap.

"You fidget a lot," he grunted in a low voice then turned away toward Jasper again.

I wanted to vomit.

The bell rang then and my chest caved in relief. When I sighed, he glanced at me again, this time curiously, then he got up and walked away with Jasper. Now that he was gone I couldn't get my legs to move, even after wanting to escape the cafeteria so desperetely beforehand. All fidgeting had stopped and I felt gelled together like a lifeless glob of inanimate blubber.

"Bella," Alice giggled and suddenly I remembered the rest of them still at the table.

"What," I retorted self consciously. I knew what she saw - what they all saw as I stared at Edward and it made me cringe.

"Nothing," she smiled in amusement and poked me in my rib. "Class. Let me pass."

The rest of the day dragged on as well. The afternoon periods happened the same way the morning periods had and I couldn't wait for the first week to be over so that the horrific unveiling of the new girl before class would be done. I hoped that they would all realize sooner rather than later how unremarkably uninteresting I was and that they would revert their attention to whatever it was they all did before I arrived. Mike Newton and Jessica Stanely were in virtually every goddamned class I had. He fussed over me incessantly, each time trying to get physically nearer and nearer to me and much to Jessica's chagrin. There was one girl who was actually kind of okay even though she was joined to Jessica by the hip. Her name was Angela and she was the same girl that caught herself after having smiled at me in the hallway before lunch. She _did_ try talking a little during one of our afternoon classes, but she seemed unsure about whether or not she should and it didn't last long. I grew more and more irritated with Jessica Stanely as the hours passed and because of it I was tempted to play along with Mike just for the sake of seeing her boil, but decided against it on realizing just how undesirably excited that would have made him. When the last period was over he followed me out of the classroom and offered me a ride home. I refused and told him that I already had a ride but thanks.

_Please don't walk me to the parking lot_, I pleaded inwardly. I didn't want to be downright rude to him. He _was_ trying to be nice to me after all, but I hated the way he glued himself to my side, not to mention the way he kept winking at me all afternoon, making me want to yank my hair out at my roots.

Jessica strutted to his side territorially when she heard him ask and I swore she would have slapped me in the face if he wasn't around. I walked away from them at that point and willed him to stay put at her side.

"See you tomorrow," he called out after me. Hope you enjoyed your first day!"

I waved and hurriedly made my way to the Porsche though Alice wasn't there yet. I leaned back against the car and looked around the parking lot absently when my eyes found the one thing about that place with the uncanny power to undo every knot and nerve under my skin. He was leaning against a silver car with his hands jammed into his jeans pockets, staring down at his feet which were crossed at the ankles. I shifted my eyes away uncomfortably and blew a line of mist out of my mouth, in search of something a lot less distracting to gape at while I waited for Alice. He would never catch me staring at him again, not once I had an ounce of pride left in my body. Of course however, and not one goddamend second later, I looked again because human nature had a way of screwing me over everytime. When I looked that time, something else caught my attention and made me stand at attention. It was Alice and she had stopped by Edward to talk.

She was being Alice of course, smiling and bouncing all over the place with expressive hand gestures and sparkling eyes. Edward on the other hand was calm and remote as he looked down at her. I couldn't see the expression on his face, though I imagined what it would have been with a subject like Alice to look at. I shook my head and scoffed, becoming annoyed with myself and consequently with Alice as well. It shouldn't have bothered me at all, though it did...immensely. I crossed my arms over my chest and tried again to fill my head with gibberish though I couldn't avert my eyes from their exchange. They both looked over at me then and I all but stopped breathing in a moment of blunt surprise. I flipped my body around toward the Porshce then cursed myself for being so jumpy and stupid.

"What the hell is wrong with you Bella?" I scolded myself through clenched teeth. "Just act normal. Sheesh."

I stayed in that position and stared at my reflection in the window of the Porsche for a while until Alice appeared.

"You Ready?" She asked as she made her way around to the driver's side. I eyed her suspicioulsy and tried to withhold the accusation that wanted to spit itself out of me. Of all the boys in school Alice had to pick the one I liked. I thought she was interested in Jasper, but maybe I was wrong and perhaps she was actually doing me a favour. Edward seemed way too dark and complicated to get mixed up with. He was unapproachable and blatantly moody and how could I forget the irritation in his eyes everytime he looked at me; not to mention his very first words to me. _'You fidget a lot.'_

How romantic.

"So how was your first day?" She asked as she drove.

"Not as good as yours was, apparently," I shrugged. She glanced at me from the side.

"Did you _try_ talking to anyone? You know Bella if you keep being such a recluse, it's never gonna be pleasant for you."

I sighed. I really hadn't attempted to be friendly with anyone. Even with Mike, I had only tolerated him and found every opportunity to escape. In my defence however, I wasn't exactly met with rays of sunshine. I could remember quite specifically the murderous looks from Jessica Stanley and well, the not so friendly agitated ones from Edward and even Rosalie.

"I see _you_ did well though," I said to Alice. I didn't mean it to sound as spiteful as it did but I really didn't have such a good day and because of it I was crabby. Thankfully she shrugged it off. I didn't resent Alice for her personality. It was who she was and I actually thought it balanced us perfectly. She was only being herself and that was fine. I wanted her to accept my introvertive nature, so in return I had to accept that she was an extrovert.

"Sorry," I shook my head. "Maybe tomorrow will be better."

"It's ok," she replied. "Just stick with me Bells. I'll take care of you."

But I didn't want her to take of me, or feel like she needed to. She was always trying to force me under her wing and though I loved her for it, I hated the fuss. I didn't answer her because at the time I knew I didn't have much of a choice knowing that she would make it very difficult to avoid her at school. The town continued to flit past my eyes as we drove, and though I looked and saw, nothing registered behind the new image that was lodged in my mind; Edward's face. I accepted the onslaught of confliction that accompanied my attempts to push him out, wanting to fantasize and think about him yet at the same time, afraid to do so.

_One day down, forever still to go._


	4. Chapter 4 If looks could kill EPOV

Took him long enough to get here....Again, please forgive errors if you come across any.

**Chapter four**

**If looks could kill (EPOV)**

I pulled on my cig, needing the warm smoke to heat my lungs and calm me down. I glanced around the quadrangle anxiously waiting for Jasper, trying to stay out of sight. It was Monday, lunch time and I really need a cigarette before going into that cafeteria. Jasper knew where to find me if I wasn't waiting for him outside his third period class. And just like the faithful, predictable guy he was, he bended the corner of the administration block and met me behind the building.

"What's with you?" He asked, eyeing down a girl sitting on a bench out on the quad. "Nadia cut her hair?"

"Like I give a shit," I rolled my eyes. "Want one?" I offered him the pack.

He took one without thinking, flicked his lighter out and lit it. By the expression on his face I could see that the warmth did him some good too, though his eyes were searching and he observed me cautiously.

"So, you gonna tell me why you're out here?"

"Smoking," I answered.

"Who pissed you off?"

I rested my head back against the stone wall and pushed my hair off my forehead, hating to talk about this particular shit and the fact that yet again I'd found myself mixed up in the very thing I loathed more than anything else in the world….fucking girl drama.

"If you say, I told you so, I swear I'll out my cig on your face," I warned him through clenched teeth. Thank goodness Jasper was a trooper. He knew when to ignore me, when to shrug off my callousness and when to take me seriously. If there was one individual who understood me, it was him, though at times he had the capacity to piss me right the hell off.

He clucked his tongue and pulled on hard his cig. I could see the smile tugging at his mouth, trying to betray his smugness. I contemplated whether or not I should even tell him what he probably already knew and judging from the glint in his eyes, I'm sure he did. I really shouldn't have said anything to the smug bastard, but he wouldn't rest unless he heard me say it myself.

"Tanya's screwed up," I finally said, closing my eyes so I wouldn't see his face.

"Shit man," Jasper chuckled. "So long as she ain't _knocked_ up, you're off the hook."

I opened my eyes and looked down at his profile. His brows were pinched together as he inhaled, probably feeling the splinters of heat from the burning ash creep up his nose.

I let out an exasperated sigh.

"Why can't girls just stick to the fucking plan," I droned.

"Cause they're girls."

"It's not like she didn't know," I continued, dropping my cig to the floor and crushing it under my boot. "She said she understood and she lied. Now she's all crying and pleading and shit."

I raked my fingers through my hair again. "How fucking attractive."

Jasper chuckled again, shaking his head from side to head, before blowing a white line of smoke through his nose. He shot me a wary glance then shrugged.

"Fuck it," he smiled. "I told you so."

I sent a punch right into his left shoulder, making him stumble off balance to his side.

"You waited 'till I outted my cig you asshole," I grunted. Then he burst out into a fit of laughter.

"I'm hungry man," he said, flicking his stub onto the wet grass.

So we walked into the building toward the cafeteria. I prayed to God that I wouldn't see Tanya. It felt like all I did was try to avoid her and suddenly the concept of staying away from school for a few days seemed quite appealing. Avoiding her seemed to work to my advantage so far. I swore to myself I'd never touch another girl as long I lived. It was always the same drama, too much drama and I felt like I needed another cigarette already.

We walked into the café, and of course the word had already gotten around, judging from the domino effect of each successive table of students turning to observe me as I walked in. Tanya had made a scene last Friday on the quad after school in front of everybody, including teachers. What I wouldn't have given to be a girl right then just so that I could smack the shit out of her and make her shut the fuck up. The thought made me smile a little.

There was something different at our table that day. Two new faces, not that I could pay much attention to them, not with the constant hum of whispering just loud enough and close enough for me to know it was about me. The commotion generated an energy strong enough that I thought I could feel it touch me physically, forcing me to introvert even deeper into myself where I could seethe, fume and hate in privacy.

"Newbies," I heard Jasper cluck as he sat and that's when I saw them for the first time. Two slight girls, dark haired and pale, one with a cute face and pixie look with short spiky hair and wide eyes, and the other with a long thick veil of dark hair and downcast eyes. She looked like she lacked sleep and by the reddened rim of her shadowed eyes I assumed that she had been crying. She was practically hunched into this ridiculously large yellowish coat and I would have had more of an opinion about her face had I seen the rest of it, but that thick sheet of hair concealed her and it looked like she did it on purpose. The pixie one was cute and the moment I thought that I checked myself.

_No more girls,_ I reminded myself glumly. I glanced at the other one again, bothered by the strange, self conscious energy she emitted, unable to decide what I thought about her, apart from the fact that she looked breakable and I wasn't sure if I should sit in the empty chair next to her.

"Jasper," Rosalie acknowledged, making it a point to ignore me. What a bitch. Another drama. Shit, I hated girls now. Rosalie and I had a thing in the beginning of her senior year and she just wouldn't stop advertising it to everyone. I told her that we weren't exclusive and to be discreet about it. She agreed, making me believe that she was able to control what most other couldn't – spontaneous combustion on the account of oestrogen overload malfunction. I told her to just have fun with it, to just relax and go with the flow, but sure enough as the cock fucking crows in the morning, she started having these hissy fits about where we were in this relationship; and why didn't I want to take it to next level and how dare I be embarrassed to be associated with her; and if I didn't know how lucky I was because all the other boys in school wanted her. Then she threatened to go public with it if I didn't. Why didn't she just castrate me while she was at it? That controlling kind of shit started to suffocate me, so I did what any normal teenage guy would do.

I started avoiding her. Because just like Tanya and every other female, they agree to the plan at the beginning, lie and say they understand and then at some point they all go hissy and controlling and _that_ clingy shit is the fastest way to get my ass running toward the border.

So now she was with Emmett. And when she thought it would make me jealous, it just relieved the shit out of me. I think I even thanked Emmett and patted him on the back and good God, she hated me even more for it. She wasn't prepared for Emmett though, 'cause he got her good and proper, making her fall in love with him and shit. Now they were inseparable. Fuck if I cared. Only now she never quit trying to make my life a living hell and she was _always _at the goddamned house and in may face every time I came out of my room. Besides the face and the bod, I don't know what I saw in the bitch. Oh wait, right, it was the face and the bod.

So I wasn't a saint.

"Edward," Emmett grinned as I sat, leaning over Jasper to punch me playfully. Playful as it was, the bastard was huge and as strong as an ox. Those punches were getting less and less tolerable. Emmett was my adopted brother. My father, Carlisle adopted him four years prior to that day when I was thirteen. His mother died at birth and his father died before he was born during some kind of minor surgery. The stress of it was too much for his pregnant mother and the grief gave her a complicated pregnancy and difficult …well….fatal….childbirth. He appeared to have no mental scars or anything. He stayed most of his life in some rich private foster home in Alaska funded by his grandparents because they were too old to take care of him. Lucky bastard never knew them so he didn't know the kind of unliveable pain it was to have something you love and then lose it. He never knew what he had, and well as they say, ignorance is bliss. Carlisle adopted him after what happened with our family, probably because Carlisle was trying to fill a hole I guess. Whatever, we never spoke about it and somehow I doubted that he ever got that hole filled. As far as I was fucking concerned, that part of me was still as off limits and fucked up as it ever was, even with Emmett around. He was with us four years already, and he was alright, but even with his larger than life body and spirit, he still wasn't big enough to fill the hole. Or maybe it was that I never properly opened myself up to the challenge. I'd probably never know.

After he punched me, we waved his hand toward the two new girls and said their names as some form of introduction.

"Alice and Bella."

I nodded at them once in acknowledgment but then Japser nudged me.

"I just heard Cindy Mathews saying that maybe if you're done with the Tanya skank she might be interested."

"How the hell did you hear that?" I asked him under my breath, really not wanting anyone at the table to hear about my embarrassing escapades.

"Well she just said it behind me as she was passing and saw you taking your seat."

"She could try, but females and me aren't a good idea ever again. They're not built for it."

Jasper raised an eyebrow teasingly at me. "Not built for what, stud? If you ask me, they're built _perfectly_ for it."

"Logic, asshole," I scoffed at him. He was just as big a prick as I was. "They're not built for logic. All this emotional crap is giving me a migraine."

"I don't get why you're so bothered by this," he shook his head, taking a bite of the pizza Rosalie saved for him. "It's not like it never happened before. And besides, that's what you get when you mess with girls like Tanya."

"So Edward," Emmett leaned over, with a very amused grin on his face. "I hear Tanya's calling in her daddy to deal with you."

"Shut up Emmett," I answered, glaring at him. Tanya's father was a criminal lawyer in Forks and seeing that there was hardly any crime to deal with in the small town, he stayed most of his time in Seattle, leaving dearest daughter looking for another male figure to fill the hole he left her with…..literally. Again, I'm not a saint.

All the while out of the corner of my eye, I could see the pale girl who I assumed to be one Emmett called Bella picking frantically at the plastic on her sandwich. And when she wasn't picking at it, I could feel her eyes boring into the side of my face. I looked at her once to try to send her a signal to quit it, but when I looked over at her she quickly turned away and resumed her picking. Odd little creature. Her eyes were a deep warm brown and big and it contrasted noticeably with her pale white skin. Not that I was the most tanned motherfucker either, but I figured she needed some sun. And if indeed she wanted some, well she moved to the worst place in the US. Her silence struck me then. Amongst all the chatter on the table, she didn't talk, at all and I wondered why she didn't mingle with the other two girls. Wasn't that what girls did? Yap with each other about absolutely nothing until they ate off all their lipstick and had to reapply more? But Bella wasn't wearing lipstick either and I noticed all in that brief second or two, that her lips were a natural soft pink and slightly pouty.

Was she blushing? Pink started creeping up into every part of her face and she was frowning pretty harshly at the sandwich in her hands, probably embarrassed that I had caught her staring. I reverted my attention to toward Jasper again, kicking myself mentally for noticing her, or wanting to notice her behind the invisible walls that stood erect all around her.

He and Emmett were talking about Tanya and what they heard she had been saying about me. This whole Tanya situation was really bugging the hell out me. It put me in the foulest mood and I couldn't stop thinking about what was the best way I could get her to stop freaking out all over the place. Jasper and Emmett seemed to think that if I just played it cool and tried to forget about it, it would go away and she would calm down eventually. But judging from my experience with Rosalie I knew that girls didn't just give that shit up. It would be another living nightmare for me. My only two attempts at female companionship turned out to be really sour, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth that I doubted I could douse easily.

First Rosalie and now Tanya. There had also been one or two flirtations and make out sessions with other girls in between, but nothing remotely close the two the disasters I had created for myself. I usually tried to stay a safe distance away from girls because this kind of scene was exactly what I tried to avoid. I hated having broken hearts and bruised ego's on my conscience. I detested it.

The mute girl started shaking her legs under the table then causing it to vibrate slightly. All through lunch she never spoke, yet I was very aware of her presence there next to me with her continuous small movements, fidgeting like at any moment she would combust. The fidgeting distracted me from my conversation with Emmett and Jasper and the constant distraction started to annoy me.

"You fidget a lot," I told her and well, she didn't respond. Her big eyes shifted away from mine again rather self consciously and I found myself waiting for her to respond. When she didn't, it made me wonder what her voice sounded like. She couldn't be _that _goddamned shy. An entire lunch hour at a table with five other people, two of which had gone to town and back on a shit load of giggles and girlie chatter and still, not a single word from her. Not that Jasper and I tried to include her in our convo either, but I thought I heard the little pixie one try once and Bella still wouldn't speak.

The bell rang then and Jasper and I left for the other mundane half of the school day. It occurred to me while walking out that these were the two new girls that were sisters at Forks High that I heard people talking about and then I wondered, of all the tables to end up at during lunch, what was so special about ours? And was this going to be a new thing?

After school that day I waited for Emmett, propped up against the driver side of my car. His Jeep was being repainted from dark gray to black, which no one would be able to figure out from just looking at it so I wondered what the hell the point was. It didn't even need a paint job. Just as I was wondering what the hell was taking him so long, the little pixie looking sister, Alice, came up to me bouncing and smiling and being all quirky and shit.

"Edward right?" She smiled. She really was very cute.

"Yeah," I answered her, shifting my weight from one foot to the next. "Alice right?"

"That's me," she chimed. I really hoped at that moment that this wasn't some sort of advance. The last thing I needed right now was to have to fight off another chick and add fuel to the fire with Tanya. However, there was something fresh about her and I caught myself wondering if she was capable of sticking to the plan. Then I cussed myself mentally for not being able to stick my _own_ fucking plan. She was just smiling at me, not saying anything at this point and I figured that maybe it was my turn to talk.

"Soooooo……"

"Oh no, sorry," she giggled. "I actually have a message for you from Emmett and Rosalie."

"Ah," I raised my eyebrows. She sounded rather chummy with them already for someone so new.

"I just ran into them in the hallway and they asked me to tell you that Emmett will be getting a ride with Rose."

Rose. Nickname bases already. Super exuberant weren't we?

"Sure, whatever," I replied. "Thanks."

"Ok," Alice beamed, looking like there was more, but she was unsure about whether or not to continue. She cocked her head to the side slightly and looked up at me, emphasizing how short she was; and I was right, there was more.

"They aren't leaving right away," she continued. "I think Emmett is helping her with something in the administration office."

Like I cared, she had already told me every thing that I needed to know. That couldn't be the extra bit she wanted to say. It just wasn't interesting enough. I pushed myself off the car so that I could turn around and get in and I saw her pull her eyebrows together in concentration.

"Is there something else?" I asked, becoming bored. "Cause I gotta go."

She looked down at her feet for a few seconds and then back up at me.

"Don't think I'm weird or pushy or anything," she said, looking at me with worried eyes. I rested my weight back against the car, just looking at her, waiting, giving her the time to sort through whatever it was she needed to in her head. She was having a hard time with whatever it was and the little warning bells started going off in my head.

_Please don't fucking ask me for my number, cause I'll give it to you, and then I'll curse myself the entire way home and have to avoid your calls after that, _I thought.

"Is Jasper like, your best friend?" The question came out straight out of left field and I almost choked on my answer.

Why the hell was she asking about Jasper?

"Jasper?"

"Yah," she nodded.

"Why?"

"It's a straightforward question."

Well of all the fucking nerve and she had attitude to boot.

_No, certainly not weird or pushy_, I thought sarcastically.

"Well," I smiled a crooked smile. "I don't give out personal information to strangers Ms....."

"Swan," she finished.

"Why the interest in my best friend Ms. Swan?"

Her smile widened, liking that I gave her what she wanted. "Just tell me ok, and I won't bother you about it again. If I invited him over to a house party, would he come?"

I laughed. This was certainly_ not_ what I expected. "Maybe not."

She pursed her lips and her eyes flickered to something over my shoulder.

"Why aren't you asking Rosalie these questions? You two seem pretty chummy already."

"Yeah, well," Alice said shifting her eyes over my shoulder and back to mine. "I would, except, she and Emmett are inseparable it seems and I couldn't get her alone to ask and I felt weird asking her in front of him."

"And you don't feel weird asking me?"

"Not really. You're most appropriate since you seem to be closer to him than the rest."

"You don't waste much time do you?" I asked.

She looked over my shoulder again, beginning to look impatient. I twisted my neck around to see what was so interesting and saw the mute one leaning against a very nice looking yellow Porsche. I'd have liked it more if it wasn't so fucking yellow. Bella seemed to jump right out of her skin when I looked around at her and she swung her body inward to face the car. What a peculiar little person.

I raised my eyebrows and turned back to Alice.

"I gotta go," Alice said restlessly.

"I'm not stopping you," I answered. She ignored my bluntness and continued.

"I want to have a little get together 'cause well, my mom is very particular about meeting our new friends and she's kind of worried about how we cope in a new town etc. I kind of want her to see that we're fitting in pretty easily. I would have liked for Jasper to come, but I realize it's strange 'cause we haven't spoken to each other, yet."

She was certainly very confident in her own skin. The way she said "yet", implied that she knew that the barrier between her and Jasper was only temporary. The other thing she said that struck me was the "fitting in" part. _She_ might, but I wasn't so sure about the silent, bashful sister.

"When is this get together?" I asked.

"Maybe this weekend."

"So soon? You can accumulate a bunch of new friends in a week?" Then I checked myself. The girl certainly didn't have a problem with going up to random people and engaging them in conversation. Maybe with a better specimen than myself, she might actually be successful with her task. I decided in that moment that her most outstanding characteristics by far, which she would probably refute, were weirdness and pushiness.

"Perhaps," she answered. "I really have to go. See you tomorrow."

Then she was off and just like that, we were on _see you tomorrow_ terms so that she could finish her story.

"Well that was different," I said to myself, turning around to open up my car, sparing a glace for the Swan sisters getting into their Porsche. I could barely see the mute one once she was inside. She all but disappeared against the seat inside her coat.

I couldn't decide whether or not Alice Swan annoyed, disturbed or amused me, but if this thing about Jasper turned out to be what I thought it was, then amusing she was.**  
**


	5. Chapter 5 A not so chance encounter

I couldn't wait to get home so that I could retreat into my room and call Charlie. It was a work day and he was sure to be sober and maybe still at work. As we approached the house my head started to hurt. It was unnatural that I hadn't seen him in four days already. My heart felt swollen and heavy with the way I missed him, my headache seemed to intensify with every passing second and I couldn't bloody shake the feeling that Charlie needed to talk to me. I needed to talk to him badly too. It had been one of those days and I knew he'd get it the_ moment_ he laid eyes on me......if he could.

The car pulled into the driveway and Alice got out and I followed her into the house. Esme wasn't home yet and before Alice could find something for me to do I ran up the stairs and shut myself away in my room. I dialled Charlie's number and folded my legs underneath me on my bed. On the second ring the line opened.

A woman's voice slurred a husky hello, incinerating the pounding in my head. That couldn't be right.

"Sorry," I said. "I think I got the wrong number." I snapped the phone shut and tried again, certain that I had made a mistake.

Again she answered. I bit the inside of my mouth and squinted my eyes, bewildered and suspicious.

"This is Bella," I said curtly. "I'd like to speak with Charlie."

"_Hannng_ on. Char-_lay_!"

That had to be Renee, though I had never actually heard her voice before, but who else could it be? My face grew hot and I had to squeeze my eyes shut in an attempt to centre the pain in my head. I thought he wasn't seeing her anymore. So why was she answering his phone? There was a loud knocking sound in the background. Something fell and broke, someone sweared…..it sounded like Charlie. I closed my eyes painfully. Charlie never swore.

"What," he snapped into the receiver and I blanched for a second at the cold rudeness in his tone. Surely he knew it was me on the phone. I had said my name to Renee.

"Dad....it's me."

He paused for a while as if he needed to check himself before speaking again.

"Bells?" he questioned after he caught himself. "Bella? Bella honey. Heeeya."

His voice was heavy with slurring and his breathing was raspy, and my disappointment in the state I had caught him in was too heavy a weight to shrug off easily.

"Charlie," I choked out. "You're drunk again."

"C'mon Bells," he pleaded. "Nah. I'm good. Good God, I'm good." He forced out a short laugh. "How are ya? I'm just, ya know….." He sighed deeply. "It's a night cap honey. Your ole man just needs a night cap."

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying not to get mad, fighting the pain in my head into submission. The headache made sense now. He was pissed drunk and I got his migraine.

"But it's Monday," I complained softly, knowing that reasoning with him now and being thousands of miles away was useless. It was near impossible trying to reason with him when I'd been only three feet away from him, far less for now.

"You never drink unless it's the weekend."

"But.....hmm, ok," he slurred. "But it's Monday night football. And Darla is here," I could tell he was smiling. "Come over here woman."

I heard her cuss him in the background. How _very _romantic. This wasn't anything like the Charlie I knew and loved, this was a drunken, modified person with Charlie's voice and I cringed at the manner in which he referred to the woman in his company. Then it hit me.

Who the hell was Darla?

"Wait," my eyes flew open. "That's not Renee?"

He gasped audibly and paused for a few seconds. "We don't say her name baby, remember? But....no...no, no more Renee."

"Charlie," I complained, raking my finger nails across my forehead in response to the stubborn throbbing that forced me to acknowledge. "What're you doing? Who's Darla?"

"Well I just figured.." he hicupped, "That Ren...she, should go too...since everybody else left."

The pain in my head thudded down into my chest when he said that and I pitied him. Charlie felt abandoned and I was not ok with it. I just didn't think that it was fair.

"Charlie," I whispered, feeling tears sting behind my eyelids. I clutched on to my chest and suddenly the pain there was worse than the one in my head. Was this what his grief felt like? It was the worst thing I ever had to go through until then and to make matters even worse, I heard him start to cry.

"Ssshh, Dad," and the sound of it broke me as well. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. "Don't cry. And please...you mustn't drink so much?"

I barely choked the words out. It was so hard to talk.

He never liked anyone telling him about his drinking, it was a sore topic. So he tripped off when I kept nagging him about it and I think that was the first time he had ever tripped on me like that – ever. Sure we had arguments before, and I'd been grounded once or twice for minor stuff. It was all the normal run of the mill sort of crap. Never bad or scary. Not like this. I knew what he was like when he was angry, but drunk angry was a different kind of Charlie and it scared me. I'd seen him lose his temper when he was drunk back in Phoenix with Esme, but never with me. He never lost it with me.

"Why am I _drinking_?" he snapped. "Don't you know why I'm drinking Bella?! _Fuck!_ I'm screwed anyway and this makes it all better. It makes it go away. Is that what you want to hear? Now you have a reason to _hate_ me?!"

"No!" I yelled at him. "Stop it! I don't hate you! I could never…..what are you saying? Stop saying things like that....what I _hate_ is when you get like this! And you're swearing at me?!"

A smashing sound came from the back ground and the woman shrieked then cussed. It was the most gut wrenching scene to listen to. This wasn't anything like my Charlie. He was self destructing, losing himself to the clutches of his vice and deteriorating at a much faster rate than I'd ever imagined possible.

"Dad," I pleaded through my tears. "Please just calm down. What's going on over there?"  
I started to panic. What if he hurt himself? What if he hurt that woman and got into trouble? What if this all went horribly wrong and I wasn't there to stop it…help him? And then, just like that in the middle of all my panicking, he started snoring. There was a loud thud followed by some grunting and then he was snoring. The phone didn't seem to fall very far away from him and when he was drunk, his snoring could wake the dead. Though I was minutely confused, I was also partially comforted by the sound of it. Sleep was the only thing that ever seemed to help him. And for some reason, even though I realised that the conversation was over, I didn't hang up.

I pressed my cell into my ear and wept mournfully at the sound of his wretchedness, while I clutched my chest with my other hand, just listening to him snore. Things would have been so much different if Esme had just let me stay with him. He wouldn't drink so much if I was there. He would have gotten better, especially with all the fighting being over and everything. This was horribly wrong. I felt it resonate in the deepest parts of my gut. Charlie would hurt himself eventually, something would happen to him and I would never be able to live with myself after that.

I don't know how long I lay on my bed crying and listening to him sleep over the phone. Every time I heard a noise I tensed, hoping it wasn't _Darla_ coming to take the phone away from him. I heard the TV in the background and once I thought I heard a door slam and I hoped that it was the sound of her leaving. But the moment I thought that, I panicked. If she did leave it meant that he would be alone in that state, drunk and passed out. With that, I found myself holding on to the phone and the sound of him for a different reason. I was listening to make sure that he was ok.

I tried staying up as long as I could, listening to his snoring and random mumblings as slept. He never slept heavier than when he was drunk. Me on the other hand, I sobbed all night long against the phone and into my hair and it was probably hours later when I eventually managed to doze off into a fitful sleep. I hid my mobile under my hair against the pillow so that if Esme came in to check on me during the night she wouldn't see it. God only knew what she would do if she knew the new levels I had sunk to.

The next morning I woke up with the worse headache. My head throbbed and my eyes felt sore. I was disoriented for a few seconds then when I sat up and the phone fell out of my hair I remembered Charlie. I picked it up and listened for any sign of him, but the connection was lost. I sighed heavily, wondering if I should call him back to see if he was ok. I tried, but there was no answer. I woke up in the worst of moods that morning, still feeling the exhausting effects of the night before. Very lazily, I showered and changed for school and grumbled at the idea of returning to the hell hole.

Day two.

Though it felt like I'd been here much longer than that already.

I dragged myself downstairs tiredly, without any motivation to get to school on time. But thank God for Alice.

"You look terrible!" She gasped as I walked into the kitchen for breakfast. Esme observed me sullenly, then shifted her eyes away.

"Were you crying again?" Esme asked, keeping her eyes averted from mine.

"No."

"Then why are your eyes red and swollen?" I cast an irritated glance toward her.

Helicopter mom. I just wanted to be left alone.

"I don't know Esme. Maybe I got soap in them this morning."

She looked at me disapprovingly, then shook her head, grabbed her handbag and got up to leave. "Have a good day today." She kissed both Alice and me on our foreheads and walked out.

After she left, Alice looked at me mischievously. "Then maybe you were you smoking pot."

I scoffed. "Yup. That's it. Right up there in my bedroom….in the same house as Esme."

"How long?" She crossed her arms over her chest and glowered at me with her dark eyes.

"How long what?" I took a bagel and bit into it.

"How long Bella?"

"How long what?!" I repeated, dropping the bagel onto a plate. It was dry and stiff. I really needed to start back my cooking, because between Alice and Esme, the menu was never much to talk about.

"How long are you going to keep this up?"

I looked at her incredulously. Her audacity was shocking, even to me, who knew Alice better than anyone.

"Excuse me?"

"You're really making things hard for us Bella. Moping around, looking like …this," she waved her hand over me. "Are you looking for attention? Because it's working. You got our attention. Are you rebelling or something?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah that's it. 'Cause I'm the attention seeking, rebellious type."

"Quit it," she snapped.

"There's nothing to quit."

"I know you miss him and you're grieving, but please, just quit it."

"Fine," I bit back at her. "As soon as Charlie sobers up, catches himself, and gets some semblance of a normal healthy life I'll quit it. Until then Alice, just back off."

"For crying out loud. He's a grown man! He did this to himself!"

"Stop it!" I screamed at her, almost lunging forward. "Don't you ever say that! It's like you don't even care about him!" I had a temper, but I rarely ever lost it.

I had advanced on her slightly and she took a few steps back. Her eyes widened and she twitched ever so slightly. After that moment of shock, her tone immediately dropped and she turned to walk away.

"I do care," she looked away from me. "But I can't help him. He's the only one that can help him. We'll be late for school."

The ride to school was quiet and we got there we got out and went our separate ways without a word. The first two periods were just as monotonous as the first day. Introductions weren't necessary thank god because they were two of the same teachers from the day before. Mike Newton and Jessica Stanley kept casting curious glances in my direction. It was burning Mike, I just knew, to just say something to me, but Jessica had played her cards right that day and apparently she clamped down on him from the get go. She stayed glued to his side so that every time it looked like he was about to talk to me, she could interrupt him easily with something she had to say or something she needed from him.

I had rolled my eyes like twenty times for the morning so far, thinking that the Twilight Zone couldn't be much more outlandish than this. The second period ended finally and I went to my locker to get my books for third period biology. I walked toward the lab thinking of Charlie, wondering how his day started and if was sick or if he got his morning coffee. If I was home I would have made him breakfast. He loved my pancakes and eggs.

As I walked into the lab the teacher's face brightened and he came toward me, took me by my upper arm and guided me to the front of the class. I was sure my face had turned red.

Good heavens. Every other teacher so far had done the painstaking introductions from wherever I sat in the class, but not this guy. Nooo, showcasing me in front of the class was _much_ better, thank you very much. When he started his introduction and brief history of me and where I came from, which properly creeped me out by the way, I couldn't help but notice the utter boredom on every face I looked at. Some of them knew me already, if not most. Yesterday they were amused at the strange new girl, but today the novelty was already worn off. Go figure. I didn't now which was more embarrassing, the unwanted attention or the complete lack of interest and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, Edward chose that exact moment to walk in. My God, we had a class together.

"Mr. Cullen," the teacher who called himself Mr. Banner called out. "Have you met Isabella?"

"It's Bella," I corrected him in a barely audible whisper. I doubted that anyone heard, even Mr. Banner didn't seem to notice. Edward glanced at me with a text book example of impeccable nonchalance and walked past me.

"Yeah," he said in passing and the air that surrounded him when he passed sent the thrill of his scent in my direction. I almost held my breath to keep it inside, it smelled so good.

"Good to hear," Mr. Banner continued. "Because she's your new lab partner."

Something inside of me flipped and the next thing I knew Mr. Banner was shoving me gently toward the empty stool next to Edward.

Edward shot Mr. Banner a brief glance as he took his seat and I swore I saw disgust in his eyes. It looked like he was unhappy that he got stuck with me. Well of course, I thought glumly. He got paired with the wrong sister, the ugly duckling. Not the beautiful swan girl….every pun intended, that suited him better.

I stole a sideways glance at him as I took my seat and thankfully this time, he didn't return my stare with a glare. He kept his face straight ahead as Mr. Banner started the class.

He was still just as perfect as yesterday. Apparently nothing had happened overnight to rob him of his beauty. His skin was pale white and I noticed again the slightly dark shadows under his eyes, which in theory is a feature that most people would dislike, but on him, it was edgy and mesmerizing. It also looked like he needed sun. His eyebrows and eyelashes were strikingly dark and think against his paleness and I noticed that his jaw seemed to be perpetually clenched as if he trying to hard to think…or perhaps, not to think. My eyes traced along the line of his jaw then down to his neck and lingered there for a second. And much to my everlasting shame, because I believe my eyes singed a hole right into his face and neck, he felt my gaze and turned his face slowly and deliberately with the most impertinent look in his eyes.

I immediately tore my eyes away and back to Mr. Banner.

_Bella!_ I shrieked inside my head. _What the hell has gotten into you? Oh My God!! Just please, act normal. Don't worry. He can't really be that distracting. There _has _to be something wrong with him and once you figure it out, the novelty of him will wear off. Just like it happened with you._

Edward was silent for most of the hour which crept by insanely slow. I cursed time yet again, needing to be freed of the wrecking effect my nerves were having on me. The sound of Mr. Banner was drowned out by the racket inside my head. I tensed every muscle in my body, forbidding myself to take another look, trying not to inhale his scent, trying not fall off my stool because all of a sudden it felt flimsy underneath me. I didn't understand this reaction to Edward Cullen. A boy never affected me in that way before. I was usually quite unperturbed by the opposite sex. I had my lid screwed on very tightly. Not like I had much of a choice either way, because boys usually didn't react to me either.  
"Ms. Swan," Mr. Banner bellowed, breaking through my thoughts. I blinked at him stupidly, completely zoned out. Of all the humiliating things, he was calling me to answer I hadn't even heard.

Christ.

"I think that's you partner," Edward said, leaning over toward me slightly. I barely turned my head in acknowledgement, not wanting to look directly into his eyes for fear that I couldn't mask the desire in mine. I swallowed and looked back at Mr. Banner, who by then was standing right next to me.

I never thanked my pale face and baggy swollen eyes more than in that moment. Because either it was that combination that did it, or maybe it was the pure anxiety evident in my expression right then, but Mr. Banner grew very concerned about my appearance and he thought I was unwell.

"Do you feel ok Bella?" he asked, frowning down into my face. "You look awfully pale and your eyes are look heavy and kind of red."

I shook my head from side to side unable to answer. I think I had swallowed my tongue thirty seconds earlier. He sent me to the nurse promptly and I almost kissed the man.

And of course, true to form, my body's reaction time was always a few seconds behind the speed of my mind. Needless to say, in my haste to scoop up my things and hurry the hell out, my foot caught on one of the stool legs and all in slow motion and with the most unattractive groan as if a whale was bellowing from somewhere inside of my throat, I fell to the floor bringing my books and the stool down on top of me.

They didn't waste a second. The laughter was the first thing that registered before my face grew hot with shame. Thank goodness for long dark hair. I didn't push the locks out of my eyes, needing the veil to hide me from the reckless probing faces of the rest of the class.

I gathered myself instantly and shot into an upright position. I was angry. It actually made the embarrassment dissipate a bit. I bent over to pick up my things, hearing Mr. Banner shout over the screeching, trying to get the class back to order.

"Bella are you alright?" I heard him call out to me. I looked at him and pursed my lips in annoyance and nodded affirmatively. Just then the bell rang and from the corner of my eye, I noticed that Edward was standing next to me. I looked at him then, very sheepishly from underneath my lashes and behind the parting of my hair and then pretended to fuss with my things. He definitely wasn't laughing. He actually looked rather irritated.

Just great. Somehow, all I ever seemed to provoke in him was limitless mounds of irritation.

It was the same look I got from him the day before in the lunch room.

_I_ irritated me too, thank you very much. It didn't help either that my opinion of him was quite the opposite of everything he exuded toward me.

I turned away from him then and attempted to walk away and sure enough, there was Mike Newton, ready to put himself in my face again. Jessica hovered right behind, looking very pleased with herself. Sure,_ now_ she didn't have a problem with him talking to me, now that I'd properly humiliated myself in front of everybody.

"Looks like you need some help Arizona," he smiled, putting his arms out to take my books. As I was about to refuse him, the strangest thing happened. Another boy called Tyler shoved himself between Mike and me and clutched one of my books.

"I'll carry your books for you Bella? Going to the cafeteria?"

_What?!_

Then Eric, a gangly boy with short hair and glasses joined in the ridiculous charade, "Actually Bella, I have the same class as you right after lunch. You can sit with me and I can give you a tour of the school after we eat. I'm sure you haven't had a tour yet."

How the hell did he know what class I had after lunch?

"Ha, Eric, puleeze," Mike cut in, looking mildly annoyed, but more amused than anything else.

"Yah Eric," Tyler joined in. "A tour? That's your angle?" He was still holding on to one of my books.

I had become the third party all of a sudden as they fussed over and referred to me like I wasn't even there.

"A tour makes sense," Eric defended himself. "I'm sure she doesn't even know where the nurse's station is and she isn't well. Bella would you like me to take you to the nurse's office? You really do look like of sick."

_She, she, she. I'm standing right here_, I almost snapped.

Then they all looked at me with their pathetic pitying expressions. I wanted to shriek and run, _run_ as far away from there as possible, back on a plane, all the way to goddamned Phoenix if I could.

If only the floor would be so kind as to open up and swallow me up right then. And all the while I was more than mildly aware that Edward was still standing behind me, looking on at the spectacle. I yanked my book out of Tyler's grasp roughly and pushed my way through the middle, bouncing shoulders with two of them in the process. I walked as fast as my feet would go. I headed outside, with no particular direction and when I was satisfied that I wasn't being followed, I ducked around the side of one of the buildings and leaned back against the wall, completely out of sight, just the way I liked it. It took a couple of minutes and a few deep breaths to calm down. My books were getting heavy, so I swung my bag around to the front and stuffed them inside. I had no plan, but the cafeteria was a definite no no. No more junior boys, and besides, sitting at the same table as Edward Cullen that day was not the most appealing option right them. Besides, Alice was probably still upset with me as well. I wondered why Edward stayed in the midst of the charade with Mike and the others before and what was so interesting that he had to stand and look at the whole thing.

My cell buzzed in my back pocket and immediately my mind went back to Charlie. I hoped it was him calling me, but it wasn't. It was Alice.

"Where are you?"

"I'm not coming in to lunch today," I said into the phone.

"Geez Bella," Alice said. "You're taking that stupid fight a bit far aren't you?"

"No Alice," I sighed. "I kinda need to be alone for a while. This place gets to me. Besides, I have a few things to do before my afternoon classes and I don't have any other time to do it. See you after school."

"Ok then," she actually sounded disappointed. I was relieved that the fight was over.

I slid down the wall after that, planning to just sit there until lunch was over, enjoying the solace of being in my own company. I was hungry, but I could wait until after school. Too much had happened for the morning so far and I really needed a time out. I dug into my bag and pulled out my old, dog eared copy of Pride and Prejudice. I decided to pack it, just in case I had any free periods. The idea of retreating into the library with it during a free period excited me somewhat and though I'd read that book like about sixteen times already, I never got tired of it. It was the easiest way I knew to escape – reading. However, that day, I had only gotten through half a page when the most disturbing sounds intruded my peace.

I heard voices. Angry voices. Two of them.

One of them certainly sounded like Edwards's. I couldn't see from where I sat and I thanked the good heavens that they couldn't see me either. It sounded like they were against the adjacent wall to the one I was propped up against.

"What the hell are you trying to do to me Tanya? Fuck!" Edward lashed out. His tone was callous, impatient and laced with bitterness. I could tell he tried to control the level of his voice, but he struggled.

"What am _I_ doing to _you_?" The girl who was supposedly Tanya retorted.

"SSshhhh," he hissed.

"How dare you," she was really angry. "You bastard. Do you have any idea what you've done to _me_?"

"Oh for the love of all things holy Tanya. I haven't done anything to you. This is an unforgivable overreaction. What do you want?! I warned you that this would happen and true to fucking form..."

"You're an asshole," she bit out, her voice was shaking with emotion.

"I know!" He snapped. "I also told you as much."

"Why Edward?" She continued. "Well besides the obvious….what did I ever do to you?"

"Tanya," he groaned like he was in pain and I could tell that it was very unpleasant for him. "Don't make this sound like it was a one way street. You got yours too."

I heard her gasp and he continued.

"You got what you wanted," he insisted again.

"No I didn't," she wailed. "You know what I want. I think you're making a mistake."

He sighed. "Stop it."

"No. I won't stop," she pleaded. It sounded like she was on the verge of tears. "I can't believe it's so easy for you to just… turn away, so easily."

A pause.

"How is it that I can feel all this and you just…..don't?" She complained. "After everything! I refuse to believe it. You're lying. You're hiding something. You're afraid. It's because you lost…"

He cut her off then and the sound in his voice was menacing, almost frightening and it made me flinch.

"Stop right there," he seethed. "Don't make that mistake. Don't you dare go there. That's none of your fucking business."

"Why won't you just talk to me?" She started to cry and I kind of felt sorry for her.

"Because I don't _want_ to _Tanya,"_ he bit out harshly. "I never talk about shit like that and you can't force me to. I don't want this anymore and there's nothing you can do that will change that. Just move the fuck on."

I was stunned. How could he talk to this girl like that? She was obviously infatuated or even in love with him. He really didn't have to be _that _harsh.

The poor thing!

I took her side in the argument without even realizing it. I knew the effect he had on _me_ just after a day and a half, so I couldn't even imagine what she might have been going though. Being involved with him; and it was obvious to me by then that they were somehow romantically linked; would be absolutely catastrophic. I wouldn't know how to react around him in a situation like that…ever. Not to mention, his lack of sensitivity shocked me. As much as I felt selfish to think it, I was so glad that it wasn't me on the other side talking to him right then.

Yet again I confirmed to myself that relationships were definitely _not _for me. I repelled the idea. Every single couple I knew of had ended painfully, last case in point, my parents. What the hell was the sense? One minute you're in love and can't get enough of each other and then the next, you can't get far enough away from them.

"There_ is_ something that will change it," she continued, her voice shaking uncontrollably. "There has to be. I'm going to ruin you for everyone else Edward."

"What?" he answered, sounding restless and annoyed. "You sound like a psycho."

"I'll kill myself."

There was silence again. The long, deafening kind. Time seemed to stop altogether, along with my breathing and I swore I could hear my heartbeat echo inside of my chest. A thick ugly tension loomed in the air then and my eyes had widened to the size of large as saucers. I had to clasp my hands over my mouth to keep myself from crying out in shock.

"You're not serious," Edward finally said. His voice was thick in a combination of bitterness and despair.

"I will," she was still crying. "I've been feeling to ever since you broke up with me without any explanation. No nothing."

I expelled the held breath in my lungs.

"We didn't break up Tanya, we couldn't have, because we were never together."

"You see!" She squealed again.

"You wouldn't do a thing like that," Edward gasped.

"I would. I don't care anymore. Maybe then you'll understand what you lost."

"You're _crazy_," he cried out.

"Will that change your mind?"

She was certainly determined, I had to give it to her.

"_No! _You can't trap me into being with you!"

"It's not a trick Edward. I'll do it. I won't live without you."

"Get the hell away from me."

"Fine. Fuck you Edward. I think I hate you." Then crunching footsteps faded away to somewhere else.

Silence again.

I was unsure if she had left, or maybe they both did? I didn't know if I should move or what I should do. So many things were racing through my head at that point.

Oh my god! Was Tanya really capable of suicide? What if she was? Would Edward be able to live with himself afterward? So many conflicting emotions scorched through me. I was sorry and scared for her at the same time. Panic seized my chest and I couldn't slow my breathing. I had never been hurt by a boy before, but it certainly seemed to be excruciating. Judging from what I saw of my parents, it wasn't something that people bounced back from easily. I was annoyed with Edward, disappointed in him. I had built him up in my mind so much and now he was crashing down. Although, there was something else there too. A sort of concern for him that I didn't understand. I actually worried about how this was affecting him and I felt like if maybe I was someone different and he would let me, I would try to protect him from it.

A suicide threat is a hell of a burden. I wanted to protect him from all of it; from the scandal, from the embarrassment, from the agony, from the harsh reality - like I wanted to protect Charlie from himself. The synonymous comparison to Charlie caught me off guard and I found myself checking myself. I didn't know anything about Edward Cullen. Where did I get off feeling things like this on just the second day of knowing him… _"knowing"_ him.

So far I'd managed to say all of zero words in total to him.

None. Nada. Cero. Zip. Squat.

It was laughable the way I worked up all of this emotion for a stranger, one that obviously didn't hold the same sentiments for me. And let's not forget his infamous first words to me. "_You fidget a lot." _

You _FIDGET_ a lot?

He sighed. My goodness, he was still there. Every molecule inside of my tensed and I turned my head toward the direction of his sigh. It sounded like he was sitting now, on my level. I figured that because the sound of his sigh sounded closer to me than before.

I looked to the heavens above with pleading, nervous eyes. _Please let me remain undiscovered here. _This time I really honestly believed that I would die of embarrassment. My body would seize and I just might go into epileptic shock and die of a stroke. It was also very cold out there and the temperature didn't help my shaking nerves.

He sighed again. It was heavy sound, loaded with defeat and despair. I felt my body react to it. My heart surged and I wanted to get up, walk around to his side and just throw my arms around his neck and hold him for as long as he would let me.

_Oh my God, Bella. As if._

We sat there in silence for the rest of the hour. Me listening to his sighs and his shuffling movements against the floor and him, not knowing that he was being secretly observed_._

_Stalk much?_

When the bell rang, he didn't leave right away and I couldn't move either, because if I had walked out he would have realized that I had been there all that time. So I had to prepare myself to sit there and wait for as long as he wanted. The longer he sat, the more fidgety I became, worrying that I'd be late for class.

_You fidget a lot._ I silently packed my novel back into my bag and waited restlessly for any sign of departure on his side.

Then finally, after what seemed like long minutes on end, I heard his feet shuffle and walk away. I stood up slowly, waiting a few seconds more just to be sure and then I dared to peek around the corner of the wall. I saw his black leather clad back retreat toward to the parking lot.

Where was he going?

A few moments later, I heard the squealing of tires on asphalt and I just knew that he had left school.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**Edward**

Sweet heaven on earth, the urge to just lean over, grab her by her shoulders and shake her relentlessly until she woke up was too strong to ignore. It was only the second time sitting next to her, and I use the word presence because _company_ just wasn't the appropriate word for Isabella Swan. I had heard virtual 'chapters' being spat out of every other chick in seconds flat, but from the new girl, there was nothing but silence. It irked me that she never talked, ever.

The first day at lunch, nothing, the day after in Biology, still nothing – just static. If she'd had a frequency, there'd probably only be white noise. I was sitting next to her for half hour already in class and all she did was glance at me through that wall of dark hair, then turn away self consciously whenever I returned her stare. My hand even twitched a few times, wanting to push the hair out of her face, maybe tuck it behind her ear, just so I could at least see her. But she would probably have slapped me. Another girl would have pushed her cleavage in my face if I'd done that, but this girl...not so much.

She was different, and though I tried to deny it at first, I found her intriguing. Maybe it was curiosity more than anything else, because girls weren't supposed to be that quiet or scared almost, around me. They either came on too strong; tried to stick their tongue in my mouth, talked way too much, or just downright hated me because I couldn't make them happy. Sure there were shy ones who giggled and blushed intensely, but even _they_ uttered clumsy syllables in an attempt to respond. But not this one.

There was nothing coming from her, and I found that not only intriguing, but odd.

There had to be something significant behind that peculiar behaviour, I was sure of it. Shyness was just too simple a condition to manifest itself in this complete breakdown of all normal human interaction. And if it was in fact just a case of shyness, then Bella needed someone to grab her and shake her until she snapped out of it.

And goddamn it, I was already itching to be the one to do it.

She was so uncomfortable around me it even made _me_ self conscious, and that never fucking happened. Talking to the opposite sex never fazed me. I was comfortable in that department until I had written off girls indefinitely. But all of a sudden, I was afraid…. nervous even to disturb her and I could tell from the few times I managed to get a good look at her that she was always far away, deep in thought… like, all the time. My mouth went dry when she sat next to me in class for the first time and I wanted to say hello, but the look of anxiety on her half hidden face blocked me and I just sat there like a rigid corpse, hoping she would be the one to start conversation instead.

Though, of course, she never did.

I even found myself mirroring her behavior after the first few minutes. I kept my eyes forward and my body perfectly still, glancing at her every now and then when the curiosity built up too much. She was definitely _nothing_ like her sister. And then I found myself thinking about that. Alice would be too easy, one conversation with the right words and the right amount of charm and I would have her like putty in my hands. Bella, however, would be work and until then, I had never encountered such a challenge. I had to reminded myself of my new motto the moment I found my thoughts wavering into the red zone. Females were the enemy and more girl drama was the last thing I needed, especially right then, still in the middle of my current mess with Tanya.

There was one point though, where I was presented with the opportunity to break between us when Mr. Banner called out to her to answer in class. He asked her if she was familiar with this particular topic and if she had covered it already in Phoenix but you would have sworn that he had just asked her to please stand up and strip for the class, because she stared at the man like he was a ghost, appalled even, that he had the audacity to call on her in class. It was the most amusing thing I had witnessed in a while and amusing was a concept I appreciated, like a saving grace from the monotony that had become my life.  
"I think that's you partner," I said to her, expecting her to wake up and mumble something, _anything_ to Mr. Banner.  
But still…nothing.

As if it was even possible, she froze up more when I talked to her and I noticed the way she bent her head slightly so that her hair would fall forward and block her face. When she raised her head to address Mr. Banner, her eyes looked panicked and awry and for a moment I actually felt concerned that she was about to faint or something and apparently so did Mr. Banner.  
"Are you alright Bella? You look awfully pale and your eyes look heavy and kind of red."  
I noticed it too when he said it. She looked like she had been crying all night long.  
"Maybe you should go to the nurse," he said and that made all the difference in her disposition. She seemed instantly relieved. However, in her haste to escape the attention, she shot up off her stool too quickly, got her foot caught on one of the legs and fell flat on the floor.

And just the fucking juvenile assholes they were, the rest of the class started laughing. What the fuck, were we still in Elementary School? I wanted to smack the shit out of every last one of them, boy _and_ girl, for making it worse. That had to have been painfully embarrassing for her and I could tell by the way her face went red. I didn't have the opportunity to help her up, because just as I shifted to get up and go to her she flew up off the floor in a fit, grabbing at her things on the way up. Her hair fell over her eyes and she didn't do anything to correct it; no flirty toss of the strands over her shoulders, no girlie flick of the hair out of her eyes, no suggestive strokes with her fingers…nada. She just stayed just as she was and I wondered if she could even see through the dark veil.

The bell rang then and the next thing that happened added more mystery to the puzzle that was Bella Swan. All at once three sad excuses for masculinity descended upon her, making me wonder once more if we still in Elementary School. They all but drew their swords to take down the enemy that was gravity, for getting at her. It would have been less than noble of me to deny them brownie points for trying. However, and not sad to say, they were sloppy and it very quickly turned it into a battle of the underdogs where guys who were buddies just minutes ago started tearing each other down in an embarrassing attempt to impress her. Had they been sufficiently observant of their prize beforehand, they would have noticed that Bella was much too introverted and walled in to enjoy the attention. It was on the other hand, quite interesting to watch and _my_ choice for amusement for the day.

While some girls would have smiled wittingly and taken advantage of their suitors' misplaced desire, or been bitches that stomped on their egos, Bella seemed disturbed and deeply frustrated by their banter. Then without a word to any of them, she pushed through the middle and practically pelted out of the lab without so much as a glance back.

The three of them, me included, were all stunned, to the point where we just stood there and gaped after her retreating form. I think they even worried if they had said something to offend her. Thankfully, for her, they didn't go after her and then a curious thought popped into my head. Maybe _I_...should go after her, just to see if she was ok. After all, she did look ill and it wouldn't be like I was pursuing her or anything, because I surely was not…..girls being the enemy and all.

As I walked toward the cafeteria which is where I'd first assumed she'd run to, I went through various scenarios in my head. I convinced myself that it might be ok to befriend the peculiar girl because she seemed to be quite blatantly emotionally unavailable, thus making her a safe candidate for company. She didn't seem like the type to make shit weird and all dramatic. Then there was also my rapidly developing curiosity about whether or not I could get her to actually talk to me. I really wanted to know what she sounded like. I raked my fingers through my hair, confused with my motive and the way I was trying to convince myself of something that was completely out of character for me. In one day she gone from being that irritating, fidgeting presence next to me; and yes I admit to feeling that way about her initially; to being the mystery that I wanted to unfold. That closed off mind of hers nagged me. I had never been denied anything of that nature in my life until then and I found myself, and much to my frustration, wanting to get inside of her head.

What was waiting for me inside the cafeteria however, was anything but a mystery waiting to be unraveled. A very obviously upset Tanya pounced on me the moment she saw me make my way toward Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper and Alice …and no Bella, at our table. The most sickening bile rose into my throat at that point when she threw herself in front of my path, in an outfit that was an unappealing display of cleavage and mid section. She exposed way too much of herself in need for attention and when she didn't get what she wanted she turned into a spoilt, crazy, irrational child. Another mental kick to myself wasn't enough in means of self punishment, but she certainly managed to make up for that with the stunt she pulled that day.  
"Edward I need to talk to you," she insisted, mimicking my step to the side blocking my attempt to side step her.  
"Not here Tanya."  
"Not here, not now, not today. You're always avoiding me lately. What the hell is up with that? We need to talk."  
People started noticing us. My temper flared and I glared at her like she was the devil incarnate.  
"What the fuck do you want to talk about," I bit out through clenched teeth. She never got the point unless it was crass and harsh.  
"I'm not going to let you do this to me Edward."  
"It's done, leave me alone."  
"You want me to make a scene? Will that get your attention?" She raised her voice, much to the delight of our onlookers. I caught Jasper's stare over her head, just begging me for the ok to jump in make it an embarrassing episode for that bitch and though I appreciated the gesture, he was no match for the wiles of girls like Tanya. I did the only thing that would avoid a public scene then, I took her by her upper arm and pulled her outside to a spot behind the outer wall of the gym where we would be out of sight and where we could speak in privacy. While I hated public scenes, Tanya enjoyed it and I refused to give her that satisfaction.  
"You realize that's the first time you actually touched me in a week?" She said to me.  
I let go of her immediately, not wanting to encourage her.  
We fought for the longest while and I realized very easily that she wasn't going to let this go. She was going down fighting tooth and nail in the most unattractive display of clinginess and psychotic tendencies. I didn't know how to make her understand. I purposely riled the jack ass in me and treated her terribly for the past week and a half just to enrage her so to the point where she'd _want_ to stay away from me, but all that did was the opposite. It sent her crazy and she panicked all over the fucking place.  
The fight was nothing new. She was being herself, needy, clingy, insecure, irrational and unappealing. And just when I thought it couldn't get any more unbearable she did the most unforgiveable thing and stunned me with a suicide threat. I knew not to take things of that nature lightly, but I also knew that Tanya was a manipulative bitch that couldn't be trusted, so I tried very hard to keep my cool and stay out of the line of fire. I felt like she threatened me because she wanted me to panic and she succeeded. She had officially freaked me the fuck out and now more than ever before I wanted nothing to do with her. For the life of me I couldn't make my self understand how she could possibly think that would make me want to be with her. Who the fuck thought like that? Maybe she was psychotic after all and need psychological help.

Just the sight of her after that made me shudder in fear and retaliation and I saw it in her face, the moment she realized she had gone too far. She knew she had pushed me even further away and had officially lost me completely further away at that point. Her crying escalated and she cussed me, said she hated me then stormed away.

I felt completely out of sorts and disoriented after that. I had met death twice in my life already and it was _the_ single thing that had the power to make me withdraw and shut myself away from the world. Loss on account of death had struck and crippled my ability to develop into anything I was supposed to be as a man. It had become one of the most powerful demons in my life and that threat of Tanya's brought it all back; the despair, the fear, the helplessness and the black pits that I just couldn't seem to raise my head above. The thought of someone taking their own life just to hurt me was sickening and it made me feel disgusted with myself and ashamed.

How the fuck would I be able to swallow that? I really fucking hoped that she was just trying to spook me out because if not, I had a hell of a burden to carry in the very near future, because one thing was for sure - she and I would never be together again. I wouldn't give her what she wanted, not even to save her life.

I had to get out of there. I had to leave, run, hide. I couldn't take the pressure and I couldn't bring myself to stay to make it better either. If I had a hole deep enough, I'd bury myself in it right then and there and never come out. The only thing that seemed appealing to me then was to run from it and that's what I did.

I didn't know where I was going, but I had to escape the possibility of running into Tanya again for the rest of the day….or week for that matter. I went to my car and drove away without getting permission. I needed music and a cigarette and as I put the car in gear and drove away, the most unsuspecting face came to mind.

Bella's.

Why it happened right at that point I didn't know, but somehow, it had the most calming effect on me. She was the one I was trying to find when Tanya intercepted me. I switched on the car stereo and let the music play, trying to distract myself from the all chaos and from the conflicting images of Tanya and Bella in my head. Bella seemed to have a quiet soul, she was tranquil and silent and God only knew, I needed peace. The raging conflict in my head was merciless. I needed serenity and a way to distract myself from everything that had gone bad in my life. I didn't know how this bizarre little girl managed to get herself inside my head, but I found that I rather liked her there and the calm she brought with it.

Fuck.

That only meant one thing. I knew myself better than that, no matter how hard I tried to fool myself. There was way too much intrigue behind my interest in Bella and it meant that I'd have to stay away from her. Another complication was all it was and besides, she seemed so breakable anyway. The only thing I was capable of was causing damage. I drove home with the intention of faking illness as my excuse for leaving school. Carlisle would let it pass. He would take one look at me and understand. However, I still had to decide how to deal with the whole Tanya fiasco. I think I hated her from then on and all of a sudden, for the next few days, school was no longer an option for me. Seeing her at all was not an option for me. Hiding was the only viable way out and I intended to do just that until a better plan came to mind.


	7. Chapter 7 See no evil, hear no evil

**Chapter 7 - See no Evil, hear no Evil**

I had to see who Tanya was. I couldn't get the conversation I had overheard out of my mind. The distraction occupied me for the rest of the day and classes that afternoon all merged into a haze. I kept searching the hallways for signs of Edward after every period, hoping to catch a glimpse of him either going into or leaving a class. No one seemed to know that he had left school. Mike was in my last period, go figure, he was everywhere. Somehow I had managed to forget all about my stupid fall before lunch until Mike had brought it up again. Didn't matter by then anyway, it didn't bother me anymore. Thinking about it then, I realized that the fall never really embarrassed me, well…not exactly. It did, but it was more the fact that it happened in front of Edward that killed me; not to mention the fuss made by Mike, Tyler and Eric afterward.

"You escaped after your fall today," Mike said, taking the chair next to mine. Mike really wasn't that bad, when he wasn't trying to flirt.

"Sorry, I really didn't feel well."

"You went to the nurse?" He eyed me suspiciously and I decided not to lie. The fleeting thought that maybe he had gone to the nurse's office to look for me kept me in check.

"No. I went out for some fresh air instead. It helped."

"Glad to hear it," he smiled pleasantly. I felt bad about my aversion to Mike. He only ever tried to be nice to me. He just came on too strong.

"Hey, thanks for ....you know," I shrugged my shoulders, looking away from him. "Today. You were concerned. Thanks." I managed a weak smile.

Needless to say, he was very pleased to hear it.

"Don't mention it," he grinned, attempting to cross the line again by coming closer until our shoulders touched. Instinctively, I shifted further away from him.

Thank heavens Jessica didn't have this class. I could only imagine the arrows she would have been arching into my back if she saw us talking, and rubbing shoulders….good God. I looked around at the room of students milling around before class started and every time I noticed a girl that was pretty, or skinny, or chatty, or flirty, I wondered if she was Tanya.

"Hey Mike?"

"My lady," he grinned. I ignored his teasing.

"Do you know a girl named Tanya? She might be a junior." Judging from the fact that Edward was a junior and they were an item.

He widened his eyes and chuckled the way a fat, old uncle might, deep, grungy and throaty.

"Who doesn't know Tanya? She's Edward Cullen's girlfriend. Well I heard they broke up and there's a whole lot of confusion about it. She's not very happy and she's making his life a living hell. Serves him right. He's way too full of himself. Gets girls too damned easily." Was that jealousy coming off of Mike?

I got defensive pretty quickly, but I fought the urge to argue in Edward's defense. I didn't like him talking about Edward that way, but what the hell I know about him anyway? Besides, if I wanted information I'd have to pretend to be unaffected by him.

"I heard they were never an actual couple to begin with," I said.

"Well," Mike scoffed. "Walk like a duck, talk like a duck, fuck like a duck….you're a duck."

I winced at his callousness. Mike obviously didn't like Edward very much.

"They do pretty much everything couple's do, so I really don't get this…._it's complicated_ status that people like lately. There is no gray area. In my mind, it's either you're an item or you're not and Tanya wasn't having any of it, so I can't say that I blame her."

I agreed with him about that at least. For me it was either black or white. Gray area would stress me out entirely. I found myself wondering if he was for real or if that was big talk. From the little I knew about boys, they more or less _all_ operated on the same plane…..well, High School boys at least.

I remembered the pity I felt for Tanya while listening to her plead with Edward and feeling like that about someone I wouldn't be able to place in a crowd bothered me.

"Are you friends with her?"

"Not really. She's a junior but I have just one class with her. History. She takes art and music and shit. I think that's how she and Edward hooked up. He does all that shit too."

Art and music. It didn't seem likely judging from his harshness, and he was in my bio class. Art and bio was an odd combination. Every little piece of his puzzle came together in my head and I tried to create a picture.

"What does she look like?"

Maybe I had gone too far with that question. Mike narrowed his eyes very intently on me then and I regretted my carelessness. I was asking too much. Whatever his conclusions might have been, I really didn't want him suspecting my attraction to Edward.

"Why are you so interested in Tanya?" He asked. I glanced away from him and then back again. One of his eyebrows arched and he got very serious. Thankfully, the teacher walked in then and the class settled.

"No reason," I answered quickly, busying myself with my books. "I'm hearing a lot of gossip about it, so I just wondered what the big deal was."

That answer seemed to satisfy him. "I'll point her out to you when next I see her. She's hardly ever on this side though. The Arts department is across the quad." Then he got all smug with me.

"That means you gotta hang out with me a little more often, though, if I'm gonna point her out to you." He grinned mischievously.

"Sure," I shrugged. Who else would I hang out with anyway, right? I wasn't exactly Miss Popularity.

The rest of the week went by in slow motion. Edward didn't come to school on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday and that bugged me more than I would have liked to admit. Emmett said that he was sick, but I knew there was a lot more to it than that. I knew a lot more than either of them thought I did and I figured it was more likely that he was hiding from the scandal, than the sick thing. Alice started talking to Jasper within the week and though he seemed uncomfortable and unsure about her at first, she had a charm and persistence that was hard to ignore. I was surprised that she liked Jasper, not that he wasn't just as beautiful as the rest of the table occupants, but he was a junior and Alice was always very particular about the guys she dated. I'd also thought that she was into Edward after I saw them talking after school that first day. I can't say that I wasn't relived that Jasper had won her undivided attention, even though I knew I didn't stand a chance with Edward. It didn't matter really who was in or out of the picture. It would never be me, and that suited me just fine.

I had very quickly become the fifth wheel at the table and I often wondered if I should have been sitting with Mike and the others from my class, instead of at the glorified table of gorgeous seniors at which I didn't fit in. However, one look at Jessica Stanley and I decided to take my chances with them over the possible life threatening situation at Mike's table. It was also my curiosity about Edward that kept me planted with the seniors. All week I had wanted to ask Emmett about him and why he wasn't in school, but I realized how strange that might be especially because I hardly ever spoke to either of them; least of all to Edward, so I decided not to. Alice was always very attentive to me, which I didn't mind. We were getting along a little better since our fight earlier in the week, though she avoided conversations about Charlie and I preferred it that way.

I cried every night over Charlie. My worry about him escalated every day. I started calling at lunch time to make sure he was at work and sober and most times he wasn't. He was drunk every night for the week so far and that was a rapid decline down a steep and slippery slope. I had a constant headache all week long and tablets didn't help. My head would only stop hurting when his did, so I had to make up my mind to absorb it and try to carry on as if it didn't exist. And in that vain, I stopped taking the pain killers after three days.

His perpetual headaches had to be the result of his week-long hang over and on some level I was actually comforted that our geographical distance didn't affect the strength of our connection. I held on to that fiercely, as it was the only thing that made me feel close to him despite our separation. Alice braved the topic with me only once. It was Friday, lunchtime and she saw me squinting my eyes and rubbing at my temples. She was always the intuitive type and she knew me well.

"You've been having headaches all week haven't you?" She asked me softly at the table.

I nodded. "How'd you guess?"

"I saw you taking pills at home and you squint all the time."

"Hmm," I nodded, taking a bite of my sandwich. She leaned in closer to me.

"Is it Charlie?"

I raised my eyes to hers nervously. It wasn't something I was used to talking about, seeing that it hadn't happened often before moving to Forks. Not to mention, I was severely private about it, for my own reasons. But I saw that she was genuinely concerned about me, so I smiled at her, wishing I could be more open to her about it and that it was less complicated than it was.

I nodded in affirmation, not wanting to lie and hoping at the same time that she would just accept and let it go. It wasn't something I could help or stop from happening, nor did I want to. It had been like this with Charlie and me for as long as I could remember. It was the fabric that held us together and the only thing that offered me any solace in the midst of our separation. She smiled a thin smile in return and squeezed my hand under the table.

"Feel better Bells," she said. "Tonight is our get together."

Ugh. I had forgotten about that. The house would be crowded with people from school, most of whom I wouldn't know. It promised to be a very unpleasant experience and one that I tried to escape and for that reason, I didn't invite anyone from my class. I avoided the people at school even when I was _at_ school, so having them over at my house too was not my idea of fun. I felt bad at first, for not inviting anyone when she asked, but really now, who _would_ I invite?

Mike crossed my mind, but I didn't want to have to deal with Jessica's hate aura all week after that. So I decided against it. I wondered if Edward would show up, because Jasper would be there and if he did show up, what would it be like having him in the house?

It bothered me the way I couldn't seem to forget about him entirely. In fact, I thought about him constantly and with very passing day I grew more and more irritated with myself. Even though I knew he wasn't in school I kept searching for him with my eyes, scouring the halls, the quad and the café, just waiting or rather, hoping, to see his tall, lean frame walk by.

By Friday it was way past irritating, it was down right pathetic. I never had reacted to a member of the opposite sex like that before. They were just as easy to ignore as I was to them. So this new fixation of mine was utterly disconcerting. I knew right from then, right from the start that it would be much better for me to stay very far away from Edward Cullen and then I almost laughed aloud at my own audacity.

Like I had an option. In what world would I be _close_ to him? Ha.

I cringed to think what any interaction between us would be like and being the utter and nervous wreck that I was around him, I would very easily be figured out and the million deaths I'd silently suffer as a result would never be enough to satiate my humiliation.

"I have to go to the ladies'," I said to Alice and left the table with my books. The bell would ring in five minutes anyway.

"See you after school."

"Ok," she smiled up at me.

It turned out that my bathroom run was exactly the right thing to do then, and for once I was unabashedly giddy and pleased with time. While finishing up with my jeans zipper, I heard two girls walk in and turn on the water by the sinks. They were very indiscreet with their conversation and I figured that they assumed they were alone.

Big mistake. I was about to walk out of my stall when I heard Edward's name and my hand froze instantly on the latch. I turned my ear to the door and frowned in anticipation of what I would hear next.

"He hasn't been here all week?" One girl asked. "What….is he like, hiding or something?"

"I don't care Victoria," the other girl answered. "Though I would say it's more like he's running. He got pretty spooked when I told him what I'd planned to do. And you know what? The look on his face was worth it."

"You're so devilish," the first girl, Victoria, giggled. "Looks like I'm rubbing off on you nicely."

"Of course I wouldn't do something like that, you know that…..fuck no, but _he _doesn't have to know that. I could see it in his eyes. He believed me and he's freaked out. Serves him right."

"So what are you gonna do?"

"He has to come back to school sometime. I have the perfect plan."

"Tell me. I can help. I hate that jerk. He'll never do this another girl."

I stared at the closed door of the stall in astonishment, with wide eyed and dropped jaw.

Was that Tanya?

I really, _really_ had to hold myself back from bursting out of there just to get a look at her. The curiosity was so overwhelming, it suffocated me.

"I'm going to pretend like I tried," the girl I assumed to be Tanya said. And then it was confirmed.

"How on earth are you pull that off Tanya?"

"I'll cut myself," Tanya said. "But only slightly, just enough to draw blood, then I'll bandage my wrists and stay away from school a day or two. He'll definitely react to that."

"I'm sure he will, him and everybody else. How are you gonna explain that to the teachers and your mother? You'll end up in therapy for sure."

Tanya scoffed loudly. "My father won't allow that. He'll write a letter for me, they won't be able to touch me."

"OK, so you have that part figured out. But what about Edward? How are you so sure he'll react?"

"I just do!" Tanya lashed out and it seemed like she didn't like that comment.

"He hates anything that has to do with death and shit. He always gets emotional and crazy when you try to talk about his mother and brother. We'll never be together again I know that. But he will feel sorry for me and he will feel guilty. And that's what I want. I want him to suffer like he made me suffer. I hate that smug, I don't care attitude he gives me now. I'll make sure that he never forgets me. One way or another, I'll be on his mind."

I almost collapsed against the door of the stall. Was she for real? Was she crazy? There were so many things wrong with what she was doing. I immediately lost any care or pity I had felt for her after that. She was a dangerous, manipulative bitch and I felt my protective instincts sputter for Edward. It wasn't fair to her that she as hurt the way she was, but this whole charade was taking things way too far. I resented her madly, suddenly. Poor Edward was hiding away somewhere, too overwhelmed to even show his face in school and there she was laughing and plotting against him….lying to him.

He had to know about this.

The bell rang then and I waited for a few more seconds before leaving the stall. There was silence, so I thought they had left and just as I was about to open the door, a loud, staggering banging on my door sent me reeling in shock against the back of the stall. I very nearly jumped right out of my skin.

"Who's in there?" I heard one of them demand. My face flushed instantly and I swore they could hear my heart thunder and roll about in my chest with the echoing sounds it made. I couldn't even decipher which one of them as talking, I was so disoriented….and scared shitless. They banged on the door again, more violently than before and every living muscle in my body twitched.

"I said…… who the hell is in there!!!"

I bit down on my lip feverishly and opened the door with a straightened back and tried to control my facial muscles. Though really, everything twitched and I was sure that my eyes looked like they belonged to a frightened deer. I found myself face to face with two tall, gorgeous females with murderous expressions on their faces.

They were both blond, but one of them was taller and had longer, thicker wilder curls. More blondes, I thought glumly. They were outfitted in tight, low cut sweaters and made up elaborately. I had seen them before around school. The one with the wild hair was in a couple of my classes.

"Who the hell are you?" The shorter one demanded. I couldn't find my voice and I cursed myself mentally for being such a wimp.

_Show them fear and they'll be sure to pounce on you_, I tried to encourage myself.

"Bella," I answered in my bravest voice. I took a step forward to try and walk past them but they both intercepted me.

"Why are you hiding in there Bella?" Her voice was laced with poison.

"I wasn't hiding. I was using the washroom."

"You sneaky little bitch," the second one lashed out at me. "You were in there pretty long. You were eavesdropping. What did you hear?"

"She heard everything obviously," the first one said. "Just look at her, she's shaking like a leaf."

That infuriated me. I did absolutely nothing wrong and I had every right to be in there when I was. And yet, there I was cowering at the mercy of two psychotic bullies.

"You don't scare me," I tried to be brave.

They opened their eyes larger and gawked at me.

"Well, well Victoria," the shorter one said, a devilish smile pulling at one side of her mouth. That one had to be Tanya. Finally – a face. "Somebody's got nerve."

"Listen Fella," Victoria, said.

"It's Bella," I corrected her and she clucked her tongue.

"Bella, Fella, whateva," she teased. "You're the new girl aren't you? Listen, you heard _nothing _and you know nothing. If we find out that you've repeated any of this in here, we'll have you running back in tears to wherever it is you came from."

"You have no idea how appealing that is to me," I answered her, realizing that holding my ground was working to my advantage, because they already started to look uncomfortable. "There's nothing I want more than to go back and I'm quite used to tears."

"I'm serious you little bitch," Tanya squealed. "I'll make your life very unpleasant."

"You could try, though I doubt it can get any worse than it already is," I said to her, pushing my way past them. My shoulder collided with Victoria's in the process and she pushed at me.

I brushed it off.

"You want to play hard ball?" Victoria threatened.

"I don't want to do anything but walk out of here and forget the two of you. I have no interest in this. I'm going to class."

I turned and walked out without waiting to hear their response, longing to disappear somewhere I could crack to smithereens. Victoria I particular had a disturbing, crazed look in her eyes and I knew she wanted a reason to pick an actual fight with me…..a feat I would fail at misereably.

Once I was out in the hallway, my breathing quickened. I hurried away toward my next class for fear that they would come after me. Late for class and looking like an escaped hamster, I barreled through the doors into Trig and took my seat without so much as a glance toward the teacher. He shot me an irritated look, but didn't stop to comment.

"What's with you?" Mike asked from behind. I shook my head and leaned forward, further away from him so that I could breathe in peace. This definitely wasn't something I could talk about with him or anybody else. It was only right that Edward heard it first. It was his business and nobody else's – not even mine. If it were me in that mess I'd want to know that I was being manipulated like that. It wasn't fair. I felt the same protective surge for him grip me again. How did he manage to get himself in this mess? And what happened to his mother and his brother? Emmett seemed fine to me and I didn't know anything about his mother.

I thought that perhaps, Alice may know something since she hung out with Rosalie and the Cullens regularly. They were her new coven of beautiful people in which Edward fit perfectly. Only now the coven was incomplete because he was avoiding a very unpleasant situation at school and I didn't think that any of them knew about it. Maybe Jasper would, but he hadn't seemed bothered by anything as outlandish as this all week, nor had Emmett. Maybe_ I_ was the one overreacting here and it really wasn't that big a deal. Maybe Edward really was sick and he had all this under control. Coming to think of it, it really wasn't any of my business at all and how in the name of God did _I _get myself involved in it?

Edward only appeared to be irritated by me, in fact, I distinctly remember his reaction to me on the first day. Then on Tuesday in Bio, he hadn't spoken to me at all, except that one time when Mr. Banner was trying to get my attention and that couldn't be classified as actual talking. It was more of an..._earth to the strange new girl, _kind of thing. The more I worked myself up about Edward, the more it seemed unlikely that I'd actually find the nerve to talk to him about Tanya. How would he react to me delivering news of that nature to him? It's not like he would scoop me up in his arms and thank me profusely for saving him from his living nightmare. In fact, it might feel the exact opposite. He might hate me even more for knowing about the skeletons in his closet.

Suddenly, I got insanely self conscious and worried about what Edward would think. If it was something he was hiding from, it made sense that it might be embarrassing for him. What if I had just made it worse?! Being discovered by Tanya may only have served to fuel her motive against him even more. The stress got the better of me as I worried, and whenever I get stressed, I fidget. The girl next to me kept casting me curious glances and even rolled her eyes at me a couple of times. The forty five minute class came to an end finally and I fled before Mike had a chance to start asking questions again.

Alice was waiting by the car already. She was positively giddy with her planned evening still ahead.

"Rosalie is following us in her car. She's coming over to help," Alice beamed but all I could do was shudder. The last thing I needed was a crowd of kids from school at home.

I glanced at Rosalie's car parked a few a few spaces down. She drove a red Mercedez and of course she was picture perfect in her it, bored looking, but perfect. That kind of perfection _had_ to be boring. What on earth did she have to aspire to?

Alice wouldn't stop chatting about everything she planned on the way home and though I was bursting with some questions I had about Edward and Emmett, she never gave me the opportunity to ask them.

"What are you going to wear?"

I slid her a warning glance and frowned. "Exactly what I'm wearing now."

She let out a short, clipped laugh which meant, _hell no._

"Al," I groaned. "I may not even come to the ….what is it exactly? And how on earth did you get people to come over. We've only been here a week."

"You better come downstairs and be sociable Bella, or else mom will have an anxiety attack. I've never seen her worry about you like this before."

"Fine. I'll hang around for a while, but please, let me wear what I want."

"On one condition."

"That's the condition Alice, I'll come if I get to wear what I want."

"You have to cook up that Italian dish you make with the sun dried tomatoes and the olives."

I snapped my head to the side to look at her. I did not see that coming.

I loved to cook. I cooked back at home all the time, mostly for Charlie. He loved my cooking. The best feeling in the world was knowing that it made his day better, even if only fractionally so. I tried my best to pour only good, pure and happy feelings into my food in the hope that it would pass on to him miraculously. Sometimes it worked, or maybe he was just good at humoring me, so that he wouldn't hurt my feelings. The thought of cooking in Forks however was depressing and I turned away from Alice and stared out the window.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to."

She sighed deeply. Of course this was about Charlie and she knew it.

"Is this about dad too? Is it because that was his favorite thing to eat?"

I didn't answer.

"Bella. We like your cooking too."

"I know Alice," I starting choking up. The thought of cooking one of his favorites and that he wouldn't be there to share it with us hurt like a slap in the face.

The thought of him eating nasty take out, or nothing at all but alcohol was too hard an image to bear. And just then, the week long ache in my head intensified, with his aura all around it. I needed to lie down and thankfully, Alice didn't push the topic any further.

"I didn't want to upset you," she said. "I'm sorry."

I shook my head in dismissal. "It's ok. You didn't do anything wrong. This is all me and I can't help it."

The house came into view then and I relaxed slightly.

I really needed to hear Charlie's voice.


	8. Chapter 8 Unexpected

**Chapter 8 - Unexpected**

People were arriving already. It was six thirty and Esme was home. She was, as Alice predicted, excited and bubbling over at the fact that "we" had friends over. It showed promise of a new and healthy beginning.

The kitchen was my haven. I used the excuse of getting everyone drinks and snacks to keep myself occupied and away from any one on one interaction. All I really wanted to do was try Charlie on the cell again. I called him a couple of times when I got home from school, but he didn't answer so I begrudgingly left him a message. Almost three hours passed and he still didn't return my call. Friday night used to be the beginning of his weekend drinking binge, but since I arrived at Forks he had been drinking every night. I imagined the new level Friday nights would escalate to and it made me cringe. I started feeling the stress piling on again. Not only was this get together an effort to tolerate, I couldn't shake the feeling that Charlie was avoiding me.

My mother kept a watchful eye. She hovered around, trying to get me to talk and mingle and the more she did it, the more I withdrew into myself. She could tell that I was agitated and I avoided her as best as I could by running back and forth with drinks and snacks. At one point she managed to corner me good and proper. I would have tried to escape but she would only have followed me and the pressure of a one on one was worse than stomaching whatever it is she had to say right there amongst everyone. At least she wouldn't be able to push me overboard with company over.

"Mom, I'm ok."

"I know my own daughter." Her eyes were concerned. "These are all Alice's friends aren't they?"

I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant.

"I hang out with them too. Jasper is a junior."

She bent her head slightly.

"You're constantly thinking about your father. Even now I can see him all over your face, in your eyes." She sighed. "You can't hide it. You never could."

"Well mom, I can't help that I resemble the man."

"It's not what I meant."

"What do you want me to say?"

"It's not……," she needed to say a lot of stuff I know, and she struggled to find the right words. "You're hurting all the time and I worry about you. I know you've been having headaches. I am always terrified that he'll get himself in trouble over there and the effects will transfer to you, especially with the way you're so focused on him now…all the time. I never understood this ….force between the two of you and I'm sorry to say, but I don't think it's healthy."

"He's my father, not a deranged psychopath. It's ok to be close to my own dad."

"This is more than just being close to him Bella. Don't think I can't tell that it's gotten worse over the past few days. You're more connected to him now than you ever were before and it's because you worry too much about him."

"I don't know how it works Esme and I can't exactly turn it off."

"I know that too," she walked over to me and stroked my arms. "That's why I think this move is good. Maybe it'll do you both some good to be apart, give you a shot at being a normal kid for once."

"You don't think I'm _normal_?" I widened my eyes audaciously at her.

"I mean it in a good way Bella," her hands caught my wrists in a warm grip. "You're so intense and focused all the time, which is good, but I just worry that you don't enjoy your life like someone your age should."

I tried to push away the frustration and just smile at her so that should let go of me and return to the party, but it was a feeble attempt.

"I hope you'll forgive me for my part in all this. I'm really trying to do what I think is best….for everybody."

"There's nothing to forgive. You did what you had to do. I'm ok." I lied. I was not ok. With every passing day I grieved for Charlie more and more. My head hurt all the time and at nights when I fell asleep listening to his drunken snoring on my cell, I could barely contain the pain in my chest with the way I cried.

Esme smiled a tight lipped smile then, excused herself from the soiree and went to her room. I checked my cell again for any signs of Charlie, but there was nothing. It was almost seven o'clock already. I snuck out of the kitchen, down the hall and up the stairs, unseen by Alice and locked myself in my room. I thought I had done pretty well with our guests and I stuck around longer than I intended to. Again, I tried Charlie and again there was no answer. I decided to take a shower to calm my uneasiness. I knew what that kind of anxiety meant. It had happened twice before and was usually the prelude to something connected to Charlie.

The shower was warm and soothing and for all the good it did to the outside of my body, it did nothing to wash away the scars on the inside, particularly those in my head.

Fifteen minutes later it happened. I had just climbed into my bed with a fleeting thought of Edward and why he didn't come to the soiree. Not long after, a searing, hot pain sliced through my side. It was fast and sharp and I had to buckle over and gasp for air in order to contain the shock and the intensity of it. There is something that happens inside of my mind every time it occurs; the thing that confirms the connection to Charlie. Whenever he suffers pain, a gap appears in my mind, like a black hole almost, acting like a bridge between the two of us, separating our two realities. And for the most part it means that _his_ pain isn't actually mine, though it transfers. The pain is only an impression of his that comes to me through my obsessive mind, perhaps, and no damage is actually transferred. The gap is accompanied by his image, his eyes, his nose, his hair, his entire face. I see him in my head and I feel his pain in my body and for as long as his suffering lasts, so does mine. I didn't know what caused it or why, but those were the moments where I felt closest to him, like no distance between us could tear our bond apart. Esme thought it was an unhealthy connection to Charlie and maybe it was, but I could never bring myself to admit it or do anything to change it. Apart from the feeling of closeness to him, it was also my way of monitoring him, my way of knowing every single time he was in trouble. I referred to it as empathic synergy.

"Charlie," I winced through clenched teeth as I gasped for air. For a while I couldn't move. I just lay there crouched up in a ball, all clenched and burning. When I could finally breathe properly again and the pain subsided, I lay still bracing myself for another attack. Once I figured it was over, I raced out of my room and down the hall to find Esme, terrified that something was happening to Charlie and we weren't there to help him. She was at her door already, expecting me, with her cell phone against her ear. Her eyes gave me every answer I needed. Charlie was in trouble. She held out her arms to me and I ran to her, tears springing from my frightened eyes. She pulled me into her room and closed the door. Again, the spot in my side lanced and I buckled over again on her bed, hating the fact that I couldn't hide it from Esme better than that. Of course, Esme started to panic. She rushed on to the bed next to me and held me to her as she spoke into the phone. I tried to listen to what she was saying, but it was hard to focus.

"Thanks for calling Phil," her voice was unsteady. "She's right here and yes it's happening. I'll call you when it's over." And she hung up.

"What happened to him," I blurted out. The pain wasn't steady, it lanced mildly and then it stopped and then without warning it would burn again like I pressed myself against a heated iron.

"He was attacked in a bar," she said with difficulty as she watched me tense my body. "Thankfully, he called Phil for help and Phil took him, to the hospital."

"Is it bad?" I cried.

"He'll be ok Bella," she tried to fight it, but she ended up crying as she bent over my huddled form and tried to hug me. Instinctively I had to push her away, because the pressure of her body made it hurt more.

"No mom," I gagged. "I need to breathe."

She let go.

"Tell me everything," I pleaded. "What did Uncle Phil say? I need to know."

"It will make it worse."

"No it won't! It's worse if I don't know."

"In the middle of the fight, someone stabbed him."

"Where?" I exhaled.

"Where do you hurt?"

"On my right side."

She closed her eyes and nodded with tear stained cheeks.

"This has to stop Bella," she sobbed. "It's not right."

"NO."

"Bella…"

"No Mom," I gasped, stretching my body out as the pain made another dive, making it easier to breathe. "Is he ok?"

"Yes. It wasn't very deep," she answered.

Beads of sweat ran down my forehead into my eyes and I wiped it away with the back of my hand.

"How long will it last?" She asked.

"I don't know, but it's getting better."

She buried her face in her hands and cried some more.

"I'm alright mom. It's never an actual injury, just the impression of his."

"I hate it," she cried into her hands. "I hate him."

Without any words to comfort her, I sat and watched her cry in anger, not knowing what to do.

"Go to sleep," I said softly, needing to get out of the house all of a sudden. Charlie wouldn't answer his phone for the rest of the night I knew. Besides, he was probably stale drunk.

Ten minutes later I was changed into a pair of jeans, sweater, jacket and boots. I ducked out through the kitchen door seeing that Alice's soiree was still in progress. She never noticed my escape. The lancing was still there, but it was faint. The heat of it helped to keep me warm in the cold night air. I hated the cold and I detested dressing for the cold. I walked down the block in no particular direction as the cold air burned my lungs and throat. I thought to myself that I should have worn a thicker sweater and then grumbled in expectation that I'd probably always be unprepared for the weather. The more I walked, the more I thought. Only one week had elapsed so far and already Charlie was deteriorating so quickly. It also bugged me the way Alice never seemed particularly worried about him. She was so keen on forgetting and moving on that she almost ignored his existence now. I hugged myself in the cold and walked with my head down.

The night was quiet. Forks was a quiet town. Not many people were up and about. I appreciated the silence and the stillness of the night and just as I thought that, a pair of oncoming headlights flashed across my face; making me squint and turn my face away from the harsh glare. The car passed at a remarkable speed and the engine roared as it passed, making me jump in petulant reaction. Not three seconds later, I heard the sound of squealing tires on asphalt and the roar of the same engine coming up behind me. I spun around in slight panic to see that it was the same car that had just flew past me. I tried to remain calm, but the wretched spasm of anxiety that seized me was too strong to deny and I turned to run away from the car that was now a mere few paces behind me. Before I could get two steps in pace the car had screeched to a dramatic halt next to me and the passenger glass slid down. I ignored it and hurried away, about to collapse in sheer fright.

"Bella Swan?" I heard a voice call out to me. I stopped immediately as a familiar chill shuddered through me, raising my pores. Of all the voices, that one was the most unexpected.

"Bella," he said again. Very slowly I turned around to face the car and shock plastered itself all over my disposition as I recognized the low, sleek silver machine, purring like some kind of alluring jungle cat. This was Edward Cullen's car. And that was Edward Cullen's voice.

I almost asked, _Who are you and what are you doing with Edward Cullen's car and Edward Cullen's voice?_

He opened his door and stepped out, positioning himself against the car by resting his both forearms on the top.

And that was Edward Cullen's face and body.

_The audacity of this impersonator; to drive around the place with all of Edward's things?_

He smiled crookedly and lowered his head slightly to look at his arms.

Dear God. No one was _that_ good an impersonator. I blinked stupidly, again, losing my voice somewhere inside of the crypt in my throat.

"You don't speak much do you? Or at all?"

I glanced around awkwardly. Ok, so he _was_ talking to me. There was no one else there.

"Get in," he said, motioning with his head toward the passenger side of the car. If he wasn't watching me so directly, I would have pinched myself. The thought honestly crossed my mind.

"I don't bite," he laughed, making his way around to my side to open the door for me.

_Well since this is a dream_, I thought, _there's really nothing to fear._ _Pretty soon you'll wake up in your bed and realized that none of this actually happened. So just get into the goddamned car…_

I walked toward him and stepped into the car and while the rest of it seemed like a dream, his scent was very much present, real and regal, just knocking my senses all over the place.

He closed the door and skipped around to his side. Inside the car smelled like him too. I was sure it was my new favourite scent. If only I could bottle some of him and take it home with me. He climbed in and flashed a wicked smile at me before speeding off. That made my heart stutter until I thought it would break a few chest bones.

We sat I silence. I for one had lost my voice completely. Either I was rendered a dumb mute, or I was just too afraid to open my mouth and talk lest I said something completely out of character….or perhaps, very much in character, and embarrass myself.

"Well now at least I know you aren't terrified of me," he glanced over. I could see out of the corner of my eye. "You got into my car."

I looked at him cautiously and a smile actually escaped my lips.

"Ah!" He smiled back. The most disturbingly attractive smile in the entire galaxy. "She smiles."

People just shouldn't be allowed to be that disturbing. It isn't fair to the rest of us.

I blushed then, sure that I had turned an embarrassing shade of pink, all the while cursing myself mentally for not being able to speak, though I managed to clear my throat.

"Progress," he teased. He was amused. Amused I didn't mind. I much preferred it to the irritation that slammed off him before.

"Hi," I said and then he shocked me with a sudden, impulsive slam on the brakes, making the car skid and screech as he swerved the car to the side of the road where it stopped with a massive jerk.

"You drive like an ass," I said next and he grabbed onto the steering wheel and broke out into a hysterical fit of laughter. Even I couldn't help myself and I grinned silently next to him.

"The best first words ever," he smiled at me.

_Stop it!_ I screamed at him inside my head. _Stop doing that! Stop distracting me. I need to keep my head on my shoulders here._

"I really thought I'd have to perform some kind of miracle to get you to talk to me," he smiled in a lazy half upturned way. I shifted my eyes away from his lips hastily, and looked out of the wind shield.

He started driving again.

I huddled deeper into my coat and wrapped my arms around my torso tighter. He noticed.

"Are you cold?"

"A little."

He turned up the heater.

"Sorry I like it a little chilly." He liked the cold?

"Thanks."

"By the way, are you completely out of your mind Ms. Swan?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Why are you walking around at night alone?"

"It's the first time I've done it since we moved here, and I think I can take care of myself."

He laughed again. "Well I would never have guessed. She's got a temper too. I like it."

"Where are we going?"

"Nowhere in particular. I was going home, but then I saw you, so now I'm just driving. Do you want me to take you home?"

I rested my head back and tried to relax, thinking about all the calamity I had just left there. "Not yet."

He looked over at me again quietly.

"I needed to get out." I told him.

"If there's one thing I can understand, it's that."

This was surreal. I never would have expected this. Why was he talking to me? Why was I in his car?

"Is there anywhere you'd like to go?"

"Not really," I answered. "I don't know anywhere in Forks yet."

"Right," he said. "Then may I suggest?"

"Sure."

He smiled in response and I had to pull my eyes away again, afraid to be caught staring. It was too dark to see right then, but I just knew the emerald green in his eyes would be sparkling. My dormant brown ones were always so...sad.

We sat in silence while he drove and surprisingly enough it wasn't awkward, not the way it was in school. He was relaxed and for the first time that day, so was I.

He pulled over in front of a building that looked like an old abandoned warehouse. It wasn't much to look at, it was even a little daunting with its high walls, expansive structure and looming eaves. There was light coming from behind and I craned my neck slightly to see if I could make out anything where the light was coming from.

He looked at me then, expectantly and this time I could see his eyes. Although, the darkness didn't show his green, there was something in them that glinted in anticipation. I turned my face away, unable to drink in so much of him in all at once. I had to pace myself here. I wasn't used to all this.

"Are we going in there?" I asked, pointing feebly at the building. "It's kind of scary looking."

"We not going in, we're going around."

He got out and came around to my side to open my door. My hand was already on the handle, but he was faster than I was. Edward Cullen, a gentleman. Well of all the shocking things.

He stepped aside to let me pass as I climbed out.

"Follow me." So I did.

We walked around the large warehouse to the back and I soon saw that the light I saw from the front was actually two huge security lights coming off the back wall of the building. The yard stretched as far as I could see but the thing that stood out most to me was the gigantic Oak tree that stood immovable and proud in the centre of the space. There was a thick knotted rope hanging down against the wide trunk and I observed it warily as he walked over and held it in his hands; hoping that I wouldn't be expected to climb the thing. Thankfully, Edward continued past the tree to what looked like the edge of a cliff edge. When he got to the edge, he squatted and looked over.

I realised he expected me to join him, so I walked over to his side and looked over. It wasn't really a cliff, more like a small incline down. Down below, like three feet or so was a narrow lake that stretched as far as my eyes could see on the two opposite ends, though quite narrow in width. It was more like a trickle of water than a lake perhaps. I found myself wishing that it was daytime. I was sure that the scene would be breathtaking in the light of the day.

"When you're back here, no one can see you from the road," he said, looking down toward the water.

I took the whole scene in; the building, the lights, the tree with its rope, the water and Edward and I never wanted to wake from this dream.

"What's that?" I asked, gesturing with my thumb toward the building.

"It's my dad's warehouse," he answered. "He bought it a long time ago. It was supposed to be a new clinic, a smaller place for people who couldn't afford the healthcare at the hospital. He wanted to do a lot of community work and start special medical plans for people, particularly retirees. He's a surgeon."

"What happened? That sounds like a great idea."

He stood up quickly and started to walk down the slope toward the water.

"Long story."

I realised I had overstepped. His calm faltered and his movements became quick and restless and I sensed that his movement toward the water, was actually a movement away from me. He reached the edge of the water and squatted beside it, dipping his fingers in.

"Isn't that cold?" I asked and he turned his head around to look up at me.

"Yes. I don't mind the cold."

I nodded. I liked this strange place and I very much wanted to come back during the daylight hours, but I couldn't ignore the slight strain I suddenly felt after I asked my question. I didn't like making him feel uncomfortable. So I decided to be direct with him. We had already started off on shaky terms in school and though the calm I had felt with him earlier on might have been an illusion, I much preferred the illusion to the uneasiness that was oozing off of him then. It was so easy to be on shaky ground with him. He was so intense and withdrawn….though he seemed to have extroverted moments.

"Edward, you're uncomfortable. We can leave. I won't ask anymore questions. You can take me home now."

He stood up and turned to face me. I couldn't read his expression because he was down there in the dark. A few seconds passed before he started making his way back up to me and when he got to my side, he looked down into my face with a solemn and calm expression. I didn't know what to make of it, but I noticed the marked change in his disposition.

"It's ok," he said, his face relaxed and he almost smiled and I'd be damned if he didn't make my heart skip like a wild, caged thing. "We can sit for a while before we leave."

"Ok," and I sat first. He came down next to me with his legs crossed in front of him and our elbows almost touched. The gentle sound of the gurgling water was the most therapeutic sound and I closed my eyes and thought how easily I could get used to this.

_Stay away from Edward Cullen, _I warned myself_. You must memorize the way on the drive back and come here alone. Being here with him alone is not a good idea._

"Can I ask you something?" His fixed his eyes on my face and I tried not to make eye contact for fear of betraying myself.

I nodded.

"If I'm prying, just say."

I nodded again.

"When I found you, it looked like you were crying and your eyes, they still look kind of red and sore. Are you ok?"

His kept his tone low and deep and something about it made me want to talk to him, just so I could hear more of it. But too many years of hiding myself had rendered me impenetrable, especially when it came to matters concerning Charlie and it wasn't something I was likely to discuss with him. I studied his face as I thought about his question and all the possible ways to get out of it without offending him. The light from the back of the warehouse cast a line of light across the side of his face, emphasizing the straight, taut lines of his jaw and cheekbones, under which a shadow contoured his profile. We were back to the relaxed vibe from before and in that moment I wished that it was easy to open my soul to him. He was right there, sitting next to me, looking at me with eyes that were deep and searching and curious.

Edward Cullen was curious about me.

The sound of the water, the shadows on his face, the quiet of the night…..it was all some kind of witch's concoction designed to lure me into submission.

"It's a long story," I managed to say and I tore my eyes away to look down at my hands.

"Touché," he said.

"No," I caught up to him. "I wasn't meaning to match you there. It just really is a long story."

"I'm in no hurry," he lay down, placing his hands at the back of his head like a pillow; and looked up at the sky. I thought it inappropriate to lie down next to him like that. Somehow it felt uncomfortably intimate. So instead, I raised my knees to my chest and pulled my arms around them then turned my head up toward the sky too. It was overcast. Even in the night, the Forks sky was cloudy.

"I don't know what to tell you. I had a weird night. Alice is partying at home. I wanted to be alone. I miss my dad in the most gut wrenching way. I wish I was back in Phoenix. I hate school. My parents just got divorced and now I'm here."

I felt his eyes on me, but I kept looking up at the sky. Not a single star.

"You're not happy in Forks." It was more of a statement than a question. Just then my cell phone rang. The sound pierced through our peace like an unwelcomed surprise and I grimaced as I yanked it out of my coat pocket.

"Hello mom."

"Bella where the hell are you?"

"I'm safe."

"You didn't say you were leaving. I'm panicking here."

"I'm sorry mom, I just had to get some air. I'll be home in fifteen minutes."

Edward raised eight fingers above his lying frame.

"Eight," I corrected into the phone. "Eight minutes."

"Come home please." Then she hung up.

I snapped the phone shut and looked down at him. His eyes were closed and he was smiling to himself.

"You're looking at me aren't you?" He asked.

"No," I chuckled. "Take me home."

I really was home in eight minutes and Edward really _did_ drive like an ass. We didn't talk on the way back and strangely enough there wasn't the slightest hint of awkwardness or nervousness between us. We were quiet and we were comfortable, and even though I was acutely aware of presence next to me and the way the muscles in his forearms flexed as he drove, I kept my face forward and basked in his scent and the relaxing quiet. The only time I spoke was to tell him where to turn and which house was mine.

"How'd you know it would take eight minutes?" I asked when he stopped.

He smiled his lazy smile. "It was eight minutes from where I found you to the warehouse and I figured you couldn't have walked very far from where you live."

I tore my eyes away again, fighting against the pull toward him, yet wanting it all at the same time.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" He asked.

I raised my eyebrows and widened my eyes in shock. He wanted to see me again? I'd expected him to pat me on the back and say see you on Monday pal.

A few people walked out the front door of my house. Alice's people were still leaving.

"Nothing," I answered quickly. I really had to wrap this up. The last thing I wanted was people seeing me getting out of Edward Cullen's car. Thankfully they walked across the lawn to a car parked across the street.

"You're distracted," he said. I looked back at him. "Can I pick you up tomorrow so that we can go back?"

I was alarmed by his request and not entirely sure how to answer.

"Just so we can finish our conversation," he continued. "We were interrupted."

I liked the idea very much, but I had to be careful with Edward and the way my heart lurched every time I was around him. _He _on the other hand seemed rather unperturbed by me.

"How about I meet you there?" I suggested.

"It's a pretty long way to walk."

"I've got a car," I answered, looking over to the Porsche. "And my licence."

"Ok hot shot," he chuckled. "See you at 2pm."

"Ok," I smiled and got out of the car. "Thanks for the ride."

I ran up the front path to the door, then berated myself for my self conscious behaviour.

_Walk Bella, Walk_.

When I opened the door and turned back, he waved and drove off.

Once inside, I pressed my back against the door and squeezed my eyes shut. Without even realizing when, the dull pain in my head and side had disappeared completely. My first real interaction with Edward Cullen happened and it was more perfect than anything I could ever have conjured up in a mind as conflicted as mine.


	9. Chapter 9 The conscious dream

Thanks to everyone who has read, to those who left such wonderful reviews, to those who favorited Conflicted and those who tagged it for alerts. You are all my inspiration. Glad to know you're out there ;) Here's 9 - happy reading! I love reviews.

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**Chapter 9 - The conscious dream**

I'm not a fast runner, so it's no wonder that when I dream I feel like I can't move at all. The struggle to push forward can only be conquered with my mind. The battle is endless and I see the object of my pursuit pulling away from me, fading fast. Fog thickens between us and my heart starts to race because I know I'm losing. If I lose sight of him, it will be lost forever and that thought spikes an adrenaline rush in me that I swear I can feel even in the physical realm, tossing on the bed. And because this is too important to me, I push with my mind up toward the sky, fast forward to make up for lost time. I fly over him. He's running away from me. It's impossible for me to get close to him now because I'm too far above and I can't come down because I'm sure to lose if I try to run again. He knows I'm up there and he stops, looking up in distress. He tries to tell me something with his eyes and I wonder why he just won't speak. I would hear him if he speaks. I hover over him, suspended in mid air looking down at him anxiously, wanting so desperately to descend and hug him and tell him to stop running away and that it will be fine. But I can see in his eyes and in his ready posture that he won't believe me and that he'll run again if I try to get close to him.

"Charlie," I choke out. "Why are you trying to escape? Why are you running from me? Let me stay with you."

His eyes are pleading….distant and sad and though I can see him consider my offer, he shakes his head in rejection.

"Go back Bella."

"I don't want to. I want to stay with you…to help you."

"No. I will only hurt you."

"I don't care."

"But I do."

"Dad…Charlie."

His face starts to fade away because of the fog. That stupid fog, it caught up to me. I use my hands, and try to brush it away, but the more I whipped through the air, the thicker it got, like whisked milk. I focus as hard as I can to keep my eyes on his. He is so sad and I can see him continue to fade, almost completely now and it makes me panic. I try again to wrestle with the adamant fog and with his fading image; and then the loss of him hits me so hard that I start to fall out of the sky. All control is lost and I can't stop the fall, faster and faster making my hair and clothes billow about me in a maddening orchestra of doom. I don't even remember being that high up in the first place and just as I'm about to go crashing into the unwelcoming floor, I jump into consciousness.

The moment I regained consciousness I calmed down, relieved that it was only a dream. I lay motionless for a while staring up at the ceiling. It was morning, but very early because the room was still dim. My t-shirt was sticky with sweat and my hair clung to the sides of my face in damp, warm locks. But the relief was short lived and a sudden wave of despair swept over me, so strong that I actually felt the physical force of it.

I turned to my side and found cell phone, still turned on, next to my face on the pillow. I put it to my ear and listened but he wasn't there anymore. I remembered calling him again last night when I came back from my little rendezvous with Edward, after having arguing with Esme about leaving the house without telling her. He accepted the call but he didn't talk. All he did was put the phone down somewhere with the open line so that I could listen to him move around. He had done that the night before too, refusing to talk to me, but not hanging up anyway. He knew I fell asleep on the cell listening to him every night and he expressed his concern about it and that I ought to just hang up whenever I'd realised he'd passed out. But l was stubborn and the fact that he downright refused to talk to me when I called angered me, so in silent rebellion I hung on to the phone, trying to wear him down until he gave up, hoping he would just pick up the goddamned phone and just talk to me. But Charlie was just as stubborn as I was and most nights he just called out "Goodnight Bella" from a distance and went to sleep.

He distanced himself because of his stabbing incident, avoiding conversation with me in the hope that I would just let it go and ignore it, because he knew I had felt it too. He was never good at talking to me about a shared incident after it happened. I guess because he felt responsible for it and he just didn't know what to say. But all I really wanted to do was make sure he was ok – that's why I called, and also because it was agonizing, feeling so far away from him. The only comfort I had so many thousands of miles away from him was the sound of his voice and now all of a sudden, he was robbing me of that too.

The last thing I remembered before falling asleep with the phone against my ear was looking at the clock on my desk and it had been 2am. I grimaced as I swung my legs over to the side of my bed…6am, so I had all of four hours of fitful sleep. I peeled off my covers and went to take a shower, hoping to find therapeutic relief in the warm water. As it trickled over the spot on my side where Charlie was stabbed I felt a slight sensation, but it didn't hurt anymore. That was the first day my mental connection to Charlie transformed from mere grief and missing, to a state of perpetual anxiety. I felt threatened, like lately I was always on the verge of losing him completely, clawing after him, trying hard to keep our special connection significant, whereas he only tried to steer himself away from it.

The kitchen was empty and in dire need for a clean up after Alice's shindig. I was glad for the task, it would keep me occupied and I welcomed the distraction. With my ipod headphones stuck into my ears, I started cleaning up and halfway through the task, Alice walked in and sat on a stool by the island.

"You're up early," I noticed, pulling at the chords so that the head phones fell out of my ears.

"Morning" she yawned sleepily. "Where'd you go last night?"

Last night? It took me a few seconds for it to register and when the memory came back I almost dropped the paper cups in my hands in astonishment.

Edward.

I let out a small gasp and turned away from Alice, hoping she didn't see the marks of betrayal all over my face. I had a hard time deciphering my dreams from reality it seemed. My short but certainly memorable encounter with Edward the night before actually happened. My father running away from me was the dream.

The night with Edward came flooding back in esteemed clarity, enchanting and frightening me both at the same time.

"Is it a secret or something?" Alice asked with a bored expression on her face.

I turned back to her. "Not really. I went for a walk."

She got off her stool and walked to the fridge for the carton of milk. While she busied herself with getting breakfast, I continued my clean up, putting much more effort into it at that point than I needed to.

"Will you talk about Charlie if I ask?" She continued preparing her breakfast. So Esme had told her about what had happened.

"Um…can you give me a little more time?"

"OK," she didn't push, probably expecting that I wouldn't want to talk about it yet.

"I kissed Jasper last night," it came right out of left field and it was just what I needed to distract me from obsessing over both Charlie and Edward at the same time. She winked as she spooned some Cheerios into her mouth.

"You kissed him!?!?"

"Ssshhhhhh," she hissed at me, looking over her shoulder. "Geez Bella."

"Sorry," I giggled. "That was quick."

Her smile returned. "Sometimes you just know. Jasper will be my boyfriend before the end of next week."

"That's crazy. You don't even know each other!"

"Doesn't matter," she said leaning forward over the island putting her face in front of mine and looking dead into my eyes. "We couldn't fight it even if we tried."

I giggled at her, just knowing that Alice would get what she wanted. She would make it happen, like she always did; twist every bit of fate that didn't go in her favour and force its compliance to her will. Poor Jasper had everything planned out for him already and in a way, it was kind of funny. Alice was good at predicting things even down to the exact timing of an incident, or maybe it was just that she had a special talent for making things turn out in her favour. It was the most powerful kind wishful thinking I'd ever known and the stars were very kind to her, aligning in just the right way most times so that she got what she wanted.

"What are you doing today?" She continued, absently clearing away some of the dishes from the table.

I pinned my eyebrows together, thinking about my "meeting" with Edward at 2pm. As open as Alice was about Jasper, I couldn't bring myself to be the same way about my feelings for Edward. I was a very private person and the thought of her or anyone else knowing about my crush on Edward would be a catastrophic embarrassment. Girls like me weren't supposed to like man boys like Edward.

Of all the nerve.

If she knew, she would go wild with excitement and insist that she dress me for school everyday, and do my hair and make me wear make up and a host of unbearable charades what would all end in tragedy. I just wasn't the type and all her efforts would be lost on me. And she would utterly abhor the idea of me being around the object of my desire looking as plain and as simple as I did. So just maybe, apart from the embarrassing element, it was better that Alice didn't know, for the sake of our sisterhood.

"I have lots of reading to do for an upcoming book report," I answered her and she rolled her eyes dramatically.

"I swear Bella, sometimes I think we don't share the same DNA, not even a little bit."

I stuck my tongue out at her and pouted.

"Well," she bounced. "I'm going over to the Cullen's estate after lunch today if you're interested."

I almost choked on a mouthful of Cheerios. _Estate? The Cullens?_

"What on earth for?" I blanched. And what was this about an estate? Was Edward some kind of golden rich kid or something? Sure, his car was nice, but heck, so was ours and we certainly didn't live in a mansion. I should have been tipped off the night before when he said that the warehouse belonged to his father. People who had money to buy large random warehouses and start hospitals just because they thought it was a good idea weren't exactly average were they?

"To look at movies. You remember Edward from school right? Emmett's younger brother?" She waited for me to answer.

I nodded. Remember him? Ha. He was beginning to compete with Charlie for screen time in my head for crying out loud.

"Well," she continued, lowering her voice sneakily like girls did when they were about to dish some juicy gossip. "Rose told me that he and Emmett aren't really related. Turns out Emmett is adopted by Edward's dad, Carlisle. It happened a few years ago after Edward's mother and his _real_ brother died." Again, I almost choked, but every sensory nerve in my body was charged as I listened to Alice, soaking up everything she had to say about Edward.

"I think that's why Edward is sort of…like a recluse. You know…he's moody and obnoxious. Rose complains about him a lot. She doesn't like him very much. The house is apparently huge, like a mansion or something and Rose and Jasper go over there all the time. They have an awesome game room and a massive theatre. I'm meeting Rose there for movies today. You should come with."

Information on Edward just seemed to keep landing in my lap without me even having to try. I was sure I knew much more about him already than he knew about me. The huge burden about Tanya made me sick to my stomach. Ugh. Tanya. The load was unpleasant and I needed to get it off my chest. The night before was too soon. It was the first time we had an actual conversation and I was afraid to tick him off in any way. He seemed so emotionally volatile as it was and from what I had just heard from Alice, it made sense. Suddenly I found myself considering telling him that day and I glanced at the digital clock on the stove top in anticipation. 2pm was still so far away.

"You go ahead," I said to Alice. "Maybe I'll join you next time."

She looked at me sourly and I rolled my eyes.

"I promise I'll go with you next time."

She held out her pinky finger to me like an overgrown child. "Pinky swear."

"Pinky swear Alice and oh, I need the car."

"To what? Read for a book report?"

"I didn't say I'd be doing it at home."

She squinted her eyes at me and smiled. "Bella Swan I know when you're hiding something, but I won't nag you about it just yet. I'll get Rose to come get me. Take the car."

One thirty couldn't come fast enough. All day I lazed around, thinking about what Alice had said about Edward's mother and brother and I felt terrible for him. It was hard enough for me just being geographically separated from my dad. I couldn't fathom the thought of actually losing him to death…him or anyone else in my family. I wondered if his story was an explanation for his unsettled nature and the edginess that lurched off of him in sporadic spurts. I could easily understand why some might call him obnoxious, and a recluse, but then again I was also a recluse and maybe…just maybe, Edward and I had something in common already.

Tortured spirits.

Finally it was time and I dressed hastily, sparing no additional time for frills and girlie nonsense and left in the Porsche. I remembered the way easily and though I didn't know anywhere in Forks yet I figured the place was just too small to get myself lost…yet. The sky wasn't overcast that day. It was cold, but one of the clearer days since my arrival. It took me longer than eight minutes of course, because well…I didn't drive like a speeding maniac. When I pulled up in front of the warehouse I checked the time. It took me fifteen minutes. The silver Volvo was already there and the sight of it sent my heart off in an erratic race. Before opening my door, I pushed a few breaths of air in and out of my lungs harshly in an effort to steady myself.

Very slowly I made my way around the side of the building. It looked much bigger in the day and not half as scary. When I got to the back I almost gasped at how beautiful the scene was. The land sprawled generously on either side of the property and then toward where I knew the narrow lake would be. It wasn't lush green, but instead, dried brown leaves covered the earth as far as I could see, scattered in an untidy portrait across the ground that sloped unevenly in some areas. The land was bordered by pine trees, but none could outshine the very large Oak that stood in the hub, dominant and magnificent with its long outstretched branches and thick trunk. I walked toward the shallow edge overlooking the water, but Edward was nowhere in sight. When I didn't see him by the water I looked around, wondering where he was; doubting myself for a moment even though I knew I had just seen his car at the front.

"Is it much better in the day?" His voice came from above. I jumped in small surprise as I looked up into the Oak and saw his long legs dangling from a high branch. He was smiling down at me and the vision of him almost made me grin like a stupid, silly girl who'd just gotten candy.

"It's beautiful," I answered him. "I love it here."

"I'm glad," he said, pulling his legs up so that he could stand on the branch. The branch bent slightly under his weight.

"You're making me nervous up there."

"I'm always up here," he called down to me smugly. "I grew up in this tree. I think I know by now which branches can support my weight."

I wished he would just climb down.

"And yours," he said, pointing at me with a teasing smile.

I blinked up at him in a stupefied trance. No freaking way.

"You're not getting me to climb up there."

"Why not?" He laughed. "I won't let you fall."

"You could try Edward," I called up to him. "But I'm sure you remember my fall in school this week. Gravity and I have been at odds with each other for as long as I can remember."

"It really is easy Bella."

Heaven help me, every time he said my name it sounded gentle and almost affectionate. I loved it.

"Please don't make me," I pleaded with him. I thought about the Tanya conversation we were likely to have that day, and being up in that tree for the volatile switch in his disposition that I expected would happen when I told him, was not a good idea.

When he realized that I wouldn't budge, he climbed down stealthily. On the last branch he swung his body underneath him and jumped down what seemed like at least six and a half feet to the floor below and landed without a flinch.

"Show off," I scowled at him.

He took a few long strides over to me and his scent hit me unexpectedly. I had forgotten about that. My heart fluttered yet again and those unrelenting butterflies in my stomach started a synchronized dance.

"I'll get you to climb that tree Bella Swan," he smiled lazily at me. "Even if it's the last thing I do."

"What's the obsession with me climbing the tree?" I asked, sitting on the floor with my legs over the edge that sloped down to the lake.

He just shook his head and took the spot next to me with one leg bent upward so that he could prop his arm on his knee. We looked at the water quietly for a few seconds and I wondered what the best way to broach the topic on Tanya would be. It proved very difficult and I hated being the one to tell him what I knew. The longer I kept it inside, the heavier a burden it became and if he found out the hard way and realized afterward that I knew all along, he might resent me for not giving him the heads up when I had the chance. All this drama and internal turmoil for someone I met a week ago.

I looked at him then. Certainly, everything in that place was more breathtaking during the day, even him.

"I was right last night," I said to him, trying casual conversation first.

He kept his eyes on the water, waiting for me to continue.

"It really does take fifteen minutes between my house and here. You made it in eight….so that means..."

"That you drive like a girl," he grinned at the water.

"I am a girl."

The he turned his face toward me and his eyes travelled from my forehead to my chin. "That you are."

Before my cheeks could betray my erratic heartbeat with the colour of red, I tore my eyes away and closed them.

_Do it now_, I thought. _The longer you wait the harder it gets._

"What's in that head of yours?" He asked.

_Now's your chance, do it gently, but do it._

"I was wondering something," my nerves were ricocheting off every internal wall in my body.

"What are you wondering?"

"Ok, before I tell you what's in my head you have to promise me something," I turned to face him again, this time staring intently into his eyes.

He nodded, with an amused look on his face and an arched eyebrow. That amusement would be gone in a few seconds.

"Promise you won't kill the messenger."

"Sure," he shrugged with a chuckle. "What on earth could be so bad coming from you?"

I took a deep breath and shuffled my weight a few inches away from him and I saw him notice my movement with his eyes.

"How come you weren't in school the past few days?"

And just as I thought, the mask of amusement fell from his face and he looked away in stony silence. He dropped the leg that was bent up and rested his both hands in his lap.

"Ok," I swallowed. "You don't have to answer that."

"It's fine," he sighed, bending his shoulders forward a bit. "I'm avoiding a very unpleasant thing at school with a very unpleasant girl."

I was actually surprised that he didn't try to lie about it. "What if I said…. I know about it," I peered up at him cautiously through the veil of my hair.

"Everybody knows about it," he scoffed. "She made sure of that."

"No," I said slowly, taking my time with the next part. "What if I said I know _all _about it?"

He looked at me again with a puzzled expression, then shrugged again. "Nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to Tanya."

So far so good. He was still calm albeit the marked sullenness that settled over him.

_Now or never. _

"I overheard her talking in the ladies room yesterday at school," I dropped my voice to a barely audible pitch and made sure to keep my eyes diverted away from his. "I think you should know what I heard."

He pulled his both legs up at that point and turned his entire body to face mine, folding his legs in front of him like a gypsy.

"What did you hear?"

I found the edges of my coat pockets with my fingers and started to pull at the seams, trying to transfer my nervous energy onto something trivial.

"You're fidgeting again," he said quietly. "Just say it."

"She never planned to kill herself Edward."

I stole a sideways glance at him, thankful that I had worn my hair down so that at least half of my profile was hidden from his searching gaze. When he didn't respond, I continued.

"I heard her say that she told you that just to upset you and to hurt you because you hurt her. She wanted to scare you. It's all a manipulative lie."

Still he said nothing. I pressed on.

"Her plan is to cut herself to make it look like she tried and wear bandages on her wrists so that you will think she tried and get spooked. She wants you to feel sorry for her and she wants everyone to hate you for it."

The sound of the water gurgled by in gentle torrents and the temperature seemed to have dropped considerably. Thank God for my very thick sweater and hair. I shifted my gaze to the water.

Well so much for the calm we had enjoyed last night and the first few minutes of our meeting that day, because without even looking at him I could feel his uptight aura. He was tense and the silence around us was permeated with morose agitation. Or maybe it was my own wreck of nerves that suffocated everything else within a five mile radius.

"Please say something," I whispered. I had lost count of the number of times I had interlocked and opened my fingers.

He stirred then and the movement made me look at him. He shoved his fingers through his long hair, pushing the locks back over the top of his head as he lowered his weight down to the floor. His eyes were closed and I could see that he was trying to control his breathing, or was it his temper. The muscles in his jaw were clenched tight and the ones in his temples were pulsing.

"Did she see you?" he asked.

Relieved to hear him speak again, I turned my body to face his and looked down at him. "Yes, afterward."

He opened his eyes to look up at me and the fleeting violent look that flashed through them made me stiffen every muscle in my body.

"What happened when she saw you?"

"She threatened me." He shot up off the floor when I said that and without warning a waft of his fragrance pushed itself up my nostrils.

"What did she say? Tell me everything." The look in his eyes was murderous. I almost contemplated telling him that it was all a joke, an early April's Fool, please don't kill the poor girl.

"Um….just that she didn't want me repeating what I heard or else she'll make things very unpleasant for me." I shrugged my shoulder and scoffed, trying to give him the impression that it was nothing to worry about. "I've been told that before. She was just shocked to find me there."

"Who was she with?"

"A girl called Victoria."

He closed his eyes then and swore in an ugly word.

"Bella you have to promise to let me know every time either one of them says anything or tries to do anything to you, do you hear me?" He bit the words out through clenched teeth.

"Sure, but you shouldn't worry about _me_ Edward. _You're_ the one she's plotting against."

He shook his head and grabbed me by my shoulders with a small shake. He made me gasp. It wasn't exactly what I had imagined our first physical contact to be like.

"Listen to me," he said gruffly, piercing his eyes into mine. I'd never seen them so alive and striking before. "Victoria is known for hazing. She's been kicked out of three schools for hazing and fighting with students _and_ teachers. Tanya is just as warped, thought not as brave, but together they are a very dangerous pair."

I nodded dumbly.

"Ok," I answered. "I'll tell you."

"I want to know about _every_ interaction you have with those two, do you understand?"

"I said ok," I retorted. He was making this about me, when it had everything to do with him. He released my shoulders then and dropped his arms to his side.

"So what are you going to do about Tanya?" I probed.

With a heavy sigh, he turned his body and resumed his lying position on the floor. "Nothing, she can do what the hell she wants. It doesn't bother me anymore."

"But what if people think she really _did_ try to kill herself and that it was because of you?"

He looked up at me. "Bella my father is the head surgeon and the senior medical officer at the Forks' Community Hospital. If Tanya is lies about a suicide attempt there would be no medical records at the hospital and this town is way too small for a suicide attempt to not make it into the hospital _and_ on the news. Everything is dramatized here because people are bored. Tanya isn't thinking about this properly. She thinks she can keep the scandal confined to school but it will quickly get out of control. She's digging her own grave."

It sounded logical, but I still thought he was taking it too lightly. "If it gets out of control, you will be implicated as well."

"So I'll talk to Carlisle tonight. If he knows about it before she tries anything, he will raise the appropriate red flags. Carlisle is very respected. Everyone listens to him."

"_I _can also vouch for you. I'm the one that heard her word for word." He sprung up again when I said that and the madness flashed in his eyes like before.

"You will do no such thing," he ordered. "I will not let you get caught up in this mess."

"But Edward, I….."

"Bella," he cut me off, squeezing his eyes shut. I withdrew my argument, seeing how much it stressed him out.

"I don't want you being caught in the cross fires between Tanya and me. Those girls will _not_ find a reason to hurt you, not if I can help it."

He was trying to protect me and though it flattered me, I strongly disagreed with his reason for keeping me quiet. As much as Tanya and Victoria made me nervous on Friday…..ok terrified, I couldn't let them control me. However, I didn't want to push the topic any further. He was very upset and understandably so.

I slumped my body to the ground and then he did the same, so close to me that there was nothing else anymore but his smell and the way it distracted me. One of the Oak's branches cut across my vision above and I followed it with my eyes all the way over to the tree trunk. The most pleasurable, heart stopping thing happened then. Edward took my fingers in his hands on the floor between us and squeezed them gently. Everything stopped dead, my breathing, my heart…time. I think my entire body went limp. The contact lasted for about three seconds but the tingling sensation was sure to last for hours after.

"Thanks," he whispered. And though I was appalled by my physical reaction to him, I turned my head to face him and braved the connection with our eyes. I nodded sheepishly and managed the most nonchalant smile I could muster. I think I even grunted a small sound to mean, _You're Welcome._

We stayed the rest of the evening like that, lying there silently, looking up at the sky and the Oak tree, keeping our body parts carefully to ourselves and listening to the sounds of the gurgling water below. The peace had been restored between us again and I think we both enjoyed it too much to utter a single word after that.


	10. Chapter 10 The Conscious Dream EPOV

**Chapter 10 - The Conscious Dream - EPOV**

When music has done all it can to purge my soul of dark, hateful thoughts and cigarettes start to make me nauseous, I get the urge to drive. Three days this week I stayed away from school, unable to face the new reason for the black lyrics scratched across the loose pages in my room. I needed to fight, find a release, to transfer this deep seated irritation on to the next jack ass that needed a beating for his sins. That's another reason I stayed away, because being in close proximity to Tanya would fan my temper so fiercely, that I'd be forced to take it out on the first fool to cross me the wrong way in school.

My temper wasn't the admirable kind and I knew Carlisle thought that I should be in anger management classes and had Forks been equipped with such, I probably wouldn't have a choice. He suggested I listen to classical music as a form of therapy, after the deaths of my mother and brother and though in the beginning I scowled at the idea of it, I quickly found that it was every bit as therapeutic as he'd said it would be. It also sparked the incentive in me to follow through with my music. Maybe someday, if ever my luck got over its shitty streak and Carlisle gave up his ceaseless though subtle prompting to get me to agree to fucking medical school, I'd be inclined to take up some sort of career in music.

In the meanwhile I listened to classical music, to flush out all the bad and replace it with calm, the kind of peace that evaded me all the time. Peace of mind. What a beautiful illusion, nirvana. I doubted if anyone really knew true peace and if there _was_ someone, I would walk across the earth on foot just to find him or her and sell my soul just for a day of it. Carlisle knew I wasn't sick that week, but he knew me and he could tell that was on the verge of some kind of psychotic malfunction and he allowed me to take the week off. He even agreed to send a letter of leave to the school to buy me few days. Even Carlisle, ever the peacemaker and gentle soul, still didn't know true peace. He had gone through the same things I had. In fact, his suffering could actually be worse as his hands were the ones that failed in his desperation to save their lives. The same hands that saved hundreds of others, could work at the pace of lightning in an emergency and could fix any ailment with just the right touch...had failed the most important task they would ever be granted. That must suck.

I pushed the images out of my head and started the ignition. It was Friday night, Emmett and Jasper had gone to the Swan place for a party. I remembered Alice saying something about it on her first day of school, forward little thing she was. I hadn't even remembered until Jasper mentioned it that afternoon when he called me after school, inquiring after my _health._ My mind had been preoccupied with other more serious shit all week, like the psychopath bitch that was about to kill herself over me. Jasper didn't know anything about it yet because I didn't tell him, I didn't tell anyone. Hiding from it was the best that I could manage; hiding and writing my music. Parties weren't my idea of a good time. Old movies I liked, classic novels, good music and the outdoors. I could live outside under a tent with my guitar and a pack of cigarettes if Carlisle would let me. There was something about the natural look of a place, thing….or woman, that touched me. And I liked the quiet. I think it all boiled down to my eternal quest for peace of mind. Anything that agitated me, I avoided like the plague. I've also made my fair share of regrettable mistakes, gone against my better judgment and my instincts; and I've paid for every last one of them. I'm still fucking paying.

The cold air outside was rejuvenating while inside the car felt musty and suffocating, so I turned the heater off for a while. All I wanted to do was drive, feel the road, feel the music, feel the car obey my will and just be alone. I had driven for about two hours when I started feeling hungry and tired, so I turned around to head back to the house. It wasn't uncommon to see someone walking on the sidewalk and at first I just ignored it, like I would any other person walking in the street, except that as I approached the little figure all huddled and wrapped into a large coat, and my headlights flashed across her face I almost lost control of the car and blindsided a tree or something. That couldn't be little Ms. Bella Swan from school walking alone at night looking like a lost lamb. I swung the car around in the next second and went back just to make sure. The drive to find out in the first place was niggling. Why the fuck should I care? So what if it was her? Just drive the fuck home and forget about Bella Swan.

But the thing was, if it _was _in factBella I wanted to know, and I wanted to know where she was going and why she was out there alone in the dark. I couldn't explain my reaction to this girl. Undeniably, I was curious about her. She hadn't spoken a word that I heard since meeting her and granted I'd only been around her a few hours in total so far, I really fucking wanted to know what she sounded like.

Her voice….was it soft or loud, raspy or smooth, high pitched or mellow, seductive or nasal? Would she be intelligent, witty, intriguing, slow, infuriating? Even in her silence, her eyes were deep and intuitive, always far away and acutely absorbed in thought. I seriously doubted she was like any other girl in school with all their nonsensical chatting and zero for class or brains. Something about her silence drew me in and though I felt more at odds with myself than ever before when it came to a girl, I kind of fucking liked it.

Better sense however, told me to avoid her. I've been drawn like a moth to a flame before and was badly scorched– though Bella didn't look like she burned. Heaven knew how much I wanted to resist the fairer sex after the experiences I'd had. I told myself that she was bad news for me, judging from the fact that she was female; and _I_ was most definitely bad news for her, all breakable looking and shit. But then, I knew myself. No amount of logic or self convincing would turn me away from something that intrigued me as much as she did. So I configured my intentions to purely platonic ones in the hope that it would make it safe to investigate her ethereal charm.

Friends…why the fuck not.

I screeched to a halt alongside her and I realized that I'd scared her because she reacted as if she was about to run. I turned the glass down on the passenger side and stretched over to see. That had to be her.  
"Bella Swan?" I called out. She stopped but didn't turn around.  
"Bella," I said again. This time she turned around. It was her. Her face was possibly the most angelic thing I'd ever laid eyes on, hiding behind her hair and her huge coat like she did in school. It wasn't easy to see how pretty she was at first glance behind those barriers she put up. But sweet heaven on earth, once I saw it, that shit came at me with a grounding force so humbling that suddenly every other definition of beauty I thought I knew suddenly seemed fallible. Everything about her screamed innocence. And _that_ is the most genuine and unscathed form of beauty that any man could hope to be acquainted with.

Of course, she didn't say a word to me, even with me staring at her point blank in the face and obviously waiting for a response.  
"You don't speak much do you? Or at all?" It was unbelievable. "Get in." Not only was she mute, but she also didn't move.  
"I don't bite," I laughed as I walked around to her side to open the door for her. Finally, she took a step forward, keeping her eyes locked on mine as if searching for all the reasons why she _should_ turn around and run as far away from me as possible, and if she did I wouldn't blame her. I found the most reassuring smile I could find for her and she cooperated. We didn't talk for a while after I'd pulled off. I wanted her to adjust to being in the car with me, organize her thoughts just in case she might have any wild inclinations to open her mouth and actually say something…..anything.

But of course, she didn't.

I glanced at her a couple of times. She didn't seem scared or nervous. Maybe it really was just a bad case of shy nerves and if it was, then I had to break the ice.  
"Well now at least I know you aren't terrified of me. You got into my car."  
She smiled and it was the first time I'd ever seen it. It was sweet and just the way I pictured she would smile.  
"Ah," I teased. "She smiles." I could have sworn I saw her blush then, but inside the car was too bloody dark to be sure. Right then, she cleared her throat and my attention peaked.  
"Progress," I urged her on. And then she did it…she spoke.  
"Hi," it was soft and unsure. _Fina-fuckin-lly._ In my astonishment that I'd actually gotten her to utter an actual syllable, I swerved the car to the side and drew the car to a sudden halt. And then she topped the charts with a show stopper.  
"You drive like an ass." There was nothing else that girl could have said to me then that would have been more perfect. I almost exploded in hysterics. I'd never copped her to be such a direct, sassy little thing. Perhaps I did drive like an ass, but no one had ever put it to me so bluntly before; with the exception of Jasper but he didn't fucking count. Fuck..and Rosalie, but _she_ certainly didn't count. The bitch.  
Whatever.

Witty, Bella was definitely witty and her voice was just what I'd hoped it would be; soft and raspy, not high pitched and over bearingly girlie - perfect. Bella certainly did not disappoint.  
I asked her where she wanted to go and she said that she needed to be away from home. She didn't know anywhere in Forks yet, so she agreed to let me take her to a place I knew.

I took her to my Oak tree, on Carlisle's property with the old abandoned warehouse. It was kind of like my quiet place and right then she looked like she needed some peace and quiet. It was a secure property because it was privately owned, so no one with the exception of Carlisle, Emmett and me ever ventured there and not even Emmett so much. He didn't connect with the place the way I did, being adopted and all. He didn't have the memories I had.

It occurred to me then that I'd never taken anyone else there before. She was the first. I wondered what that meant, and then I shoved the thought away where it couldn't nag me. When I was little, my twin brother Marcus and I used to play there all the time. Carlisle tied a thick knotted rope to the Oak and we would climb it and stay up there for hours, climbing and swinging and hiding from our mother when it was time to leave. Carlisle had bought the place with hopes of opening a new clinic in Forks where people could get more specialized and more affordable treatment. But that dream died with my mother and brother, and now the abandoned building and the empty backdrop that they both loved so much was frozen in time, like their memory.

We didn't say very much to each other that first night. She even took me by surprise when she asked about the hospital and I got all clamped up and withdrawn. The thing was, there weren't many ways to answer that question and I didn't know her well enough to delve into that sepulcher of madness inside of me. In any case, it wasn't anything that I ever spoke about, so when she asked, my natural instinct was to avoid it. I guess she realized it by my brevity when I responded and she came right out and called me out on it.  
"Edward, you're uncomfortable. We can leave. I won't ask anymore questions. You can take me home now."  
Other girls would have gotten either fussy, like "_you can talk to me. I want to help,"_ or gotten all self conscious and offended and shit. But not Bella. She called me out on my mood and tried to remove herself from the situation. No bullshit, just honest and straight to the point. She impressed me, and that didn't happen often.

I found myself wanting to fix what I had caused and it worked a bit, but then before I knew it she had to leave and our little chance encounter was over, leaving me wanting more.

Platonic more….of course?

I wanted to see her again so I asked her to meet me at the same place the day after and surprisingly enough, she agreed. I thought about Bella all night after that. She followed me home. She was there when I ate dinner, when I went to my room and when I turned in to sleep, ever present. I saw her face and her big, deep, sad brown eyes. Those sad eyes made me wonder about the cause of her disturbance. All I could think about was getting into her head, behind the wall where I could find the source of that sadness and uncover the mystery of the silent girl.

And while all this was happening, concurrently, there were opposing forces; scolding and chastising me for encouraging myself to get to know her, knowing full well that I was too intrigued by her for it to be solely platonic. This new reaction I was having to Bella Swan was conflicting, pulling me against the very thing I had sworn off. I couldn't allow myself to indulge in it. And though I felt drawn to her in the most innate way possible, there were things that had to be considered: I was bad news with an even worse reputation; I was damaged; I was harsh; and I was withdrawn. She was blatantly innocent – with the word 'virgin' written all over her disposition; she was shy; she was soft; she was quiet; she too seemed damaged.

Like water for chocolate, we were two completely different specimens of human, and no matter how hard one might try to make one synonymous with the other, the two would never be the same.

The day after was better. I arrived first and climbed up the Oak waiting for her to arrive. She was on time, like I knew she would be, on the dot. Her little frame came around the side of the warehouse and she stopped to gasp and take in the scenery. I knew from the look on her face that she loved it. What was there not to love?

She walked forward, looking for me, but I didn't reveal my position at first. I looked down at the top of her head, her dark long hair cascaded down her back and over her shoulders. Gosh, it looked heavy. She walked to the edge overlooking the lake and when she started to look concerned, I spoke up.  
"Is it much better in the day?" I called down to her. Marcus was the only one who ever sat up there with me and since his death the tree had become off limits to everyone else. But what do you know, I heard myself implying to her that she should climb the thing and meet me.  
Of all the ludicrous things and when I though she would jump at the chance to impress me, like I was accustomed to, Bella put me right in check again by scoffing disdainfully at the idea.  
We fell right into our comfortable mode of silence after that, sitting next to each other and looking at the narrow lake trickle past us.  
"I was right last night," she broke our silence.  
"It really does take fifteen minutes between my house and here. You made it in eight….so that means…."  
"That you drive like a girl," I finished for her.  
"I am a girl."  
I appraised her delicate features with my eyes when she said that and I had to agree.  
"That you are." She fluttered her eyes away from mine. Good heavens, she even blushed in innocence. I knew I would have to be very careful with the signals I sent to her. She wasn't like one of those _anything, anywhere _girls I knew. I could not afford to cross the line with Bella and I would make damned sure of that. Her posture changed then and she looked like she was carrying the weight of the world on her tiny little shoulders. This was pretty much the way she looked in school, far away in her head, pondering and distracted.  
"What's in that head of yours?" I wanted to know.  
She stiffened up more and closed her eyes.  
"I was wondering something," she asked. Her voice dropped and her raspy tone sounded throaty.  
"What are you wondering?"  
"Ok, before I tell you what's in my head you have to promise me something."  
_Like I could refuse her anything_. I nodded, undeniably amused by her nervousness around me.  
"Promise you won't kill the messenger."  
What the fuck could Bella tell me that would make me want to chastise her? I noticed she was doing something. She started picking at her coat pockets with nervous, unsettled fingers. Her cute levels were skyrocketing.  
"Sure," I shrugged, trying to hide the way I noticed all her movements. "What on earth could be so bad coming from you?'  
Her face was tense and the warmth in her brown eyes faded. This was hard for her, whatever it was. She was struggling with it and I wanted her to just say it already. Her fingers were tugging mercilessly at her jacket and then I remembered why it stood out to me so much. It was my first impression of her at school, that she was insanely and oddly fidgety.  
"How come you weren't in school the past few days?"  
_What? I didn't e_xpect that to say, it wouldn't have been my choice of conversation.

"Ok, you don't have to answer that."  
"It's fine," I gave up. Everybody knew about Tanya and me by now. It wasn't exactly a secret anymore. "I'm avoiding a very unpleasant thing at school with a very unpleasant girl."  
"What if I said…. I know about it," she peeped at me from behind her hair and my fingers twitched with the urge to touch the veil and free her face of its confinement.  
"Everybody knows about it," I admitted. "She made sure of that."  
"No," she probed, slower now. "What if I said I know _all_ about it?"  
_Hardly likely, Bella. __  
_"Nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to Tanya." Because she just _couldn't _know the piece of work that Tanya actually was.  
"I overheard her talking in the ladies room yesterday at school. I think you should know what I heard."  
She got my attention.  
"What did you hear?"  
The fidgeting started again. If it wasn't her hair hiding her face, or her huge coat burying her body, it was the ever active little movements of her fingers working feverishly at some mundane task.  
"You're fidgeting again," I noticed adoringly, and thankfully she didn't seem to get that in my tone. "Just say it."  
"She never planned to kill herself Edward."  
Well fuck me. She _did_ know all of it.  
I didn't know what shocked me more, the fact that we were actually talking about it, or the fact that Bella knew about it. She certainly quieted me with that one.  
"I heard her say that she told you that just to upset you and to hurt you because you hurt her. She wanted to scare you. It's all a manipulative lie."  
Surprisingly enough, I was more relieved than I was angry. All I wanted to do was move on and wipe Tanya the fuck out of my psyche for good. She was an ugly stain and it didn't surprise me that she was capable of something like that. Tanya was capable of almost anything when she didn't get what she wanted, so what was a little manipulation?  
Bella was still talking, something about the bitch wanting people to hate me and wanting me to feel sorry for her. This whole thing had taken enough of my time and energy and I was done with it. Bella seemed oddly distraught with it all, as if the knowledge of it cast a burden on her and she was finally able to rid herself of it. At the same time however, my body had gotten conditioned to react a certain way whenever Tanya was the topic and just the fact that I had gotten Bella to come out there with me and all we could find to talk about was fucking Tanya, irritated me more than I would have liked to admit.

I regained my focus however, and I was ready to shrug the whole situation into remission when she mentioned that Victoria was in the mix. Immediately I got incensed. Bella was being all brave and noble and shit but she really didn't know how fucked up those two girls were. All of sudden a fierce urge to protect her overwhelmed me. She was trying to put her neck out for me to prove that Tanya was a lying bitch, and that meant exposing herself as the source, something I could not allow. Her selflessness struck me and it accentuated the purity and sincerity of her soul. She really actually….._cared_ about all this.

Why the hell would she?

When she had overheard it in school, we'd had little to no communication and like the inherent jack ass that I was, I even remembered _showing_ her that I was irritated by her staring. And still, after all that, she mustered the effort to be bothered by this. And for that reason, I knew I would have to be vigilant in keeping her away from Tanya and Victoria. I didn't want her mixed up in that mess. She couldn't have picked a worst duo to face off with.

It took me having to shake her with my hands….finally, I got to do it, and making her promise to tell me about any interaction she might have with them, for her to back down and give up her cause. Trying to save _my_ neck wasn't worth it, especially since I was the one that put it there in the first place.

"I don't want you being caught in the cross fires between Tanya and me. Those girls will not find a reason to hurt you, not if I can help it."

Her pupils dilated slightly, and the brown softened. She let her body drop heavily on the floor then and I joined her. I guessed we were done talking for the while and there was honestly nothing better then than just lying in the quiet, allowing some measure of peace to resonate over all the chaos we had been talking about. And lying next to her like that, all quiet and still and aware of each other got the better of me and I couldn't fight the urge anymore to touch her. In fact, the urge was a lot more volatile than that. I very nearly leaned over her and took her face in my hands to honor myself with the taste of her lips. I felt my blood heat to a boil as the image singed a hole in my head making it harder and harder to ignore with every passing second. I glanced at her profile quickly. She was staring up at the sky. I felt every fiber of my being react to her and when I couldn't contain it anymore, I took her fingers in mine and squeezed her hand gently in thanks for her concern about me. Her fingers didn't respond to mine and so I let go sooner than I would have liked to, praying that I hadn't made her uncomfortable.

An hour or so passed with us just lying there in quiet. It was the best hour I could remember for a very long time. She even fell asleep on the leaves for a few minutes. I stared at her face while she snoozed, counting to a million probably in my head as a means to distract myself from reaching over to touch her face. I resisted however, for fear that I would wake her and be caught; and also because in the simplicity of the undisturbed quiet, I was able to look at her without her knowing and getting all self conscious and red faced about it. Maybe it was the intensity of my stare that did it, but after about ten minutes of light snoozing, she opened her eyes and met my stare. I blinked and turned away from her under the guise of pulling myself up to sit. The truth was that I had felt a connection through her eyes, but the conflicted monster inside of me wouldn't let it be.

"We should go now," I suggested and then she pulled herself up too.

"Mm hm," she responded, and without another word, we left.


	11. Chapter 11 Sour Grapes

Monday morning.

Getting up after a night of crying seemed to be the norm ever since I moved to Forks. The weekend was bitter sweet. Time with Edward had turned out to be the sweetest kind of torture I had ever known. It took a lot of getting used to. Even though we seemed to slip into some sort of comfort zone with each other, holding on to my reserve and pretending to be unaffected by him was taxing. And already, I felt like I couldn't get enough of him. My growing attraction to Edward bothered me. I didn't like feeling vulnerable in that way. My ongoing battle with my vulnerability to the leading man in my life, Charlie, was already more than I could manage and as the days passed it felt like it was getting progressively worse. Before moving to Forks, there were only two major empathic cases between Charlie and me, in all my life. Since Forks, that number had more than doubled in one week; the perpetual head aches and the stab wound impression. It concerned me, as well as I couldn't help but realize that the synergic force was much stronger than any of the other times.

Again, bitter sweet. On the one hand, I was comforted that my distance from him was merely geographical, but on the other, I didn't know if my body could take much more of it all in such a short period of time. The stress would start to show and if Esme caught on to how much it affected me, she would hit the roof. All weekend long, I tried getting in touch with my dad, but he never answered his cell. Two nights had passed and I hadn't spoken to him. That's not even counting Thursday and Friday night when he just accepted the call but didn't talk to me. I hadn't heard his voice in what felt like forever and the nagging feeling that he was avoiding me depressed me more than I could bear. I cried myself to sleep in anger on Sunday night because he wouldn't accept my call, feeling ostracized by him. It became a burden - carrying around all that worry, anger, anxiety and depression all the goddamned time.

Alice was quiet with me too. I knew she was waiting for me to talk to her about what happened with the empathic synergy on Friday night, and she seemed a little peeved that I hadn't said anything about it yet. The effort to work through that conversation was too much. I already had too much to deal with. Alice would have to wait.

The moment we pulled into the parking lot at school, her face lit up. Jasper was waiting for her against his car. I scanned the parking lot for Edward as well, but his car wasn't there. My spirits dropped even lower then, like it was possible to go any lower, and I was disappointed that he wasn't at school yet again. Maybe I was wrong to assume that his somewhat casual reaction to what I told him about Tanya meant that he was ready to face the scandal again so soon.

This was not a good start to the week. The morning dragged by mercilessly. By the end of third period I had received four assignments all due in one week. Mike was his usual self. He tried to sit next to me whenever he could. He had heard about Alice's get together and was apparently hurt that he wasn't invited. I made excuses for myself and shrugged him off as politely as I could manage while Jessica made no attempt to mask her hostility for me. She glared at Mike disparagingly whenever he took the seat next to mine and was deliberately callous with him. Many times I came close to taking advantage of the situation and flirt back, just a little, all in the name of pissing her off, but that would lead Mike on and I knew he would jump ahead ten spaces in excitement if I encouraged him. And that just wasn't worth the trouble.

The lunch bell was a huge relief and I quickly made my way through the halls toward the cafeteria. Facing Alice's coolness was way better than dealing with the juvenile egos in the junior class. She even seemed in a better mood with me by then when I sat down next to her. The fact that Jasper was beside her probably had everything to do with the change in her disposition, but whatever the cause, I welcomed it. Rosalie gave me a thin smile that never reached her eyes, outshined by Emmett's broad playful one.

"Bellalita," Emmett grinned. I arched an eyebrow at what seemed to be his new term of endearment for me.

I smiled at him in acknowledgement.

"Hey everyone," I said.

"Hey."

"Hi Bella."

Alice slid a sandwich across to me.

"Ham and cheese," she said softly. It was almost like a peace offering. The relief was probably obvious in my face because she giggled and poked me in my ribs. I settled in comfortably next to her ready to bite into my peace offering when all of a sudden and without warning, his scent hit me from somewhere nearby throwing me completely off course. I raised my head in response to the wave of euphoria that slapped me hoping that it was really him.

"Look what the cat dragged in," Rosalie grimaced under her breath. And then he was right there, in the flesh standing next to me with the back of a chair in his hand. He dragged the chair back to give himself room to fit in.

"Hey," he said as he sat in the empty chair between Rosalie and me. I noticed that his tray held fruit and yogurt. I hated yogurt.

"Hi Edward," Alice chirped. "I didn't see you on Friday night. What happened?"

His eyes shifted to mine briefly, but he never lost his composure.

"I was out," he answered. "Had some things to do. Maybe next time."

"Ok," she smiled. "I'm counting on it."

"Good to have you back," Jasper nodded. "Please don't pass on whatever it is you have."

"If I had something that could be caught, I'd have found your ass a long time ago," Edward jousted with him. After that, the conversation reverted to whatever it was before Edward had arrived. Of course I didn't realize it then, but my body had tensed as stiff as a five day old corpse. Funny, I'd been so relaxed around him when we were alone, but around other people, it was _the _most nerve wrecking challenge to feign indifference to him. I was insanely nervous that people would read how I felt about Edward if they saw us interact, just by looking at my face, so as much as possible, I tried to keep them to myself.

"Rough night?" He said softly to me, leaning his shoulder into me a little. I glanced at him to find that his eyes were focused on my face, sending a eat wave right through my body. I'm sure he guessed about the kind of night I had by the evident red streaks in my eyes and the red rims that just couldn't be washed away with mere water alone.

"Kinda," I responded. "I had trouble sleeping."

His green eye scanned my entire face. I saw them run over my forehead, to the top of my head, down my cheeks, hesitate on my lips and then back up to my eyes again. And without even touching me, he managed to leave a tickling sensation behind the lines of his tracing. The stale air in my lungs begged to be released and I desperately needed to shift the focus away from me before I did something embarrassing.

"What about you?" I exhaled.

"How did_ I_ sleep last night?" He asked in amusement. He did that lazy smile thing and lowered his head to the side, then shrugged. "Like a baby."

"I heard someone say once, that people who use that phrase obviously never had a baby."

He raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"Babies aren't good sleepers." I continued, shifting my eyes away again.

"Oh." He said with a dismissing chuckle and started picking at his fruit. As he bent his head to spoon some fruit into his mouth, my eyes inadvertently connected with another pair above his bent head, just a few tables away.

Tanya's.

Her expression was aghast. I saw her nudge Victoria and nod in my direction. They had some exchange of words and then they both turned to glare at me. My heart lost its natural rhythm again in anxiety, and I purposely tore my eyes away from theirs focused on my sandwich. Suddenly I wasn't hungry anymore. I looked at the others at my table. They were all engrossed in conversation, even Edward had joined in. Without even having to look in the Tanya's direction, I knew that they were pointing daggers at me and I could only imagine the conclusions they'd derive. They caught me listening to them in the ladies' room last Friday and now I was sitting at the same table next to Edward. I doubted back then that they even thought he and I were…friends? Acquaintances? Even I didn't know what we were.

Either they were sure that I spilled the beans…..which I had…..or they were speculating about the nature of my relationship with him. I bit into my sandwich, trying to distract myself from the temptation to look their way again. My hair got in my way so I flicked it out of my eyes. The plastic wrap on the sandwich got caught under my teeth, so I had to tear it way for better access. Maybe I was more aggressive with it than was necessary and my hasty movements made my coat fall away from my right shoulder, so I had to pull it back on then readjust it at the front, which in turn caused my hair to fall into my eyes again. _Maybe a ponytail would be more practical for school_, I thought to myself as I pushed the strands out my hair with the back of the hand that still held my partially eaten sandwhich.

"What is it now?" Edward asked. His head was bent down a little closer this time, neared than he was before and again the breath of air got trapped in my lungs.

_What the hell was he trying to do to me._

"What do you mean?"

"You're fidgeting. You do that when something's bothering you."

Where did he get off saying things like that as if he knew me all my life?

"I do not," rolling my eyes.

"Sure you do. I'm getting better at reading you." His voice was low and controlled as if he was trying to prevent anyone else at the table from hearing him.

He made me swallow self consciously. Getting better at reading me…right. I wasn't sure if he was waiting for a response or if that was just one of those that once said you just let it hang in the air like that. But either way, I had no idea what to say. It sounded kind of intimate and I hadn't expected it in the least. I returned my gaze to my now cardboard like sandwich and allowed my hair to fall in front of his stare, blocking me off.

_Ok, soooo, no ponytail tomorrow after all. The veil works for me._

When I looked up unsuspectingly from my sandwich, I met Rosalie's suspicious and openly scrutinizing stare. She sat very still and unmoving in her seat and even though I had caught her staring at me, she made no attempt to break the connection.

Exactly what I had feared. People were already starting to sense the Edward aroma that seeped off of me. My body language was a gross betrayal and if Rosalie saw it, then I was sure that Tanya and Victoria saw it too, because sure enough they were still glaring at me from where they sat - taking in every single outward exchange that took place between Edward and I.

"I'm going to have to pry it out of you aren't I?" He continued to talk and I tore my eyes away from Rosalie's uncomfortably.

"Why do you care Edward?" I responded dryly, hoping that my tone would translate to my facial expression and if it did, hopefully it would mislead Rosalie. Thank God for the sandsich that soaked up every ounce of my nervous energy. I picked at that thing for every piece of distraction it could offer.

"Ok," he answered, backing off a bit. "We don't have to talk about it."

And just like the over analyzing, obsessive person that I was…the use of the _'we'_ was not lost on me. In fact, it stuck on me and I went through a thousand possible meanings for the word in my head. It sounded too good, so good that I had to mentally check then kick myself for my childish, school girl reaction to him.

The rest of the lunch period went by with me in silence, viciously annihilating that poor sandwich, trying to avoid all the eyes that were boring through my skull. Then, in the last five minutes, the cherry landed with a triumphant splat right on top of my heaping anxiety.

"Hello Edward," came the feline voice from over Edward's shoulder. I knew it was Tanya before I even looked. Not that I could remember her voice that well, it was more the fact that his entire disposition had changed and every muscle in his face and neck were tensed to the point where his temples and jaw pulsed in threatening explosion. The entire table fell silent.

"Heard you were - _sick_," she continued, playing with the last word sarcastically. I could see that was trying very hard to stay composed and it was obvious to everyone else as well. Tanya really _did_ like a scene. "Do you feel better?"

"What do you want Tanya," he growled, never once turning to look at her.

"I'd like to talk to you."

"There's nothing to talk about anymore. We've said all there is to say....and more."

"Ok then. If you'd prefer me to do this here, that's fine with me."

He straightened his back with agonizing precision and ran his fingers through his hair, stressed and bothered. Everyone at the table exchanged uncomfortable glances with each other.

"Is that the reason why you have nothing left to say to me?" She continued. I could hear her tapping her foot against the floor. Much to my surprise, when I raised my eyes to look at her, she was pointing at….me?

"_What?" _Edward clipped, turning to face her for the first time as he caught her pointing finger out of the corner of his eye.

"You're a lying, cheating bastard Edward. That's what this was all about wasn't it? You've found a new slut. I hope the two of you burn in hell."

He scraped his chair back, stood up furiously and turned to glare down at her, practically breathing fire into her face. Then without another word, he rushed past her, clashing with her shoulder in the process. We were all frozen stiff, except Rosalie. She was chewing her gum lazily, assessing the scene with the mildest hint of amusement in her eyes and every time my eyes met hers, she was looking at me.

Though Edward had left, Tanya hadn't moved. I sighed emphatically and looked up dejectedly when I realized that she was waiting for me to acknowledge her. I looked up into her scorching blue glare, hating the fact in the midst of all this, I still couldn't forget how absolutely pretty she was.

"Temperamental isn't he?" She chewed out at me. "Don't think this is over. I have my eyes on you." Then she and Victoria who had been acting like a guard the whole time, hovering behind her, walked out of the cafeteria leaving the sound of their clicking heels behind them. Needless to say, after that, all eyes shifted to me without hesitation. I looked around from pair to pair defensively, abhorring the attention and wanting to crawl into a dark hole and die of shame.

"What!" I snapped.

Rosalie and Emmet snickered in amusement. Jasper turned away and Alice looked bewildered.

"What was that all about?" She asked.

"Your guess is as good as mine," I grumbled.

"I'd be careful if I was you," Rosalie said, bouncing the leg that was crossed on top of the other under the table. She still looked devilishly suspicious.

"Edward is not the dating type." She popped her gum. And when she said that, the other three returned their gawking eyes to me, in astonishment. Where was the bell when you needed it?

"I don't know what you're talking about Rosalie," I clipped.

"Sure you don't," she mocked in a sarcastic tone, twirling a lock of her hair between her long, manicured fingers. "Reading too much into it probably."

"Reading too much into what?" Alice butt in, leaning in toward me and trying to get me to look at her.

If I could have screamed without drawing attention to myself, I would.

"Rose?" Alice pressed on when she got no answer from me. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Finally, the bell rang. I grabbed my school bag and rushed out. Whatever Rose was about to say, I wasn't hanging around to hear it.

I hadn't seen any of them again until after school. A few students noticed me more than they usually would and I heard them whispering as I passed. Anything that happened between Edward and Tanya was not discreet, so now after the spectacle she had created lunch time, the entire school thought that I somehow had something to do with their whole mess. Slowly but surely I began to understand why Edward thought it was important to warn me about them. They really were relentless in their effort to make things uncomfortable for other people and I was sure that her threat to me was not a bluff either.

"_I have my eyes on you."_

If she couldn't have Edward, she would make damned sure than any other prospect of his had a really hard time, and it looked like I was the suspect.

Ha…if they only knew. The truth was actually a lot more embarrassing than the false impression they had. I shouldn't even want Edward in that way. In fact, I told myself that my attraction to him was purely physical on account of the perfect specimen he was. I didn't know enough about him to be drawn to him significantly and the last thing I needed was to have any significant kind of attraction to him. Being that vulnerable and exposed to someone else was out of the question for me and without even knowing it, Tanya was the perfect example of the effects of succumbing to Edward Cullen's appeal.

----------------------------

The last period of the day had finished and I was never happier to leave. I made my way out to the parking lot to find Alice. At the back of everything that had been happening, Charlie was there, lingering on the periphery of my thoughts, like the throbbing pain of an open wound, never allowing me to forget.

Alice was waiting for me inside the car already, but she was not alone. It took me two seconds to recognize the sandy blond head of hair next to hers, Jasper. At this rate, they would be a couple by tomorrow – forget the end of the week prediction.

I knocked on the glass on her side and she turned down the window.

"Just one second Bella," she said up to me. "I'm sorry. One second. Thanks." Then she turned the window back up. I couldn't look at their canoodling. I turned my face away and rested my back against her window. I saw the silver Volvo, but Edward was nowhere near it. I scanned the parking lot with my eyes for any sign of him but he wasn't anywhere that I could see.

"Hey Fella," someone said.

_Oh for the love of all things holy. What now?!_

I met Victoria's gaze and tried to match the coolness in hers, all the while excruciatingly aware that the hair on every inch of my body had shot to attention. She was mocking with her stance and with her smile. That annoyed me. Annoyance was a useful tool in the face of an enemy. Vulnerability and fear only worked against you and made you an easier target. So I waded in my annoyance.

"It's Bella," I corrected her. "Real original by the way." I rolled my eyes. It really was the stupidest shot at an insult I'd ever heard.

She didn't like my flippancy and she distorted her face into a look of disdain. Her fiery hair was a mass of gorgeous, giving her the look of a vixen, that if she was ever cast in a movie, she would definitely be the sultry villain.

"Whatever," she continued like a feline creature of the night, taking a few threatening steps closer to me. Even her body language mirrored a cat's in readiness to spring on me.

"What do you want?" My 'demanding' voice was much weaker than I'd hoped. And as if she could smell my discomfort in that role, she clucked her tongue and stepped even closer, curling her lips upward in a menacing but seductive twist.

"I want you to stay away from Edward Cullen."

"I'll befriend who I want to, thank you very much." I folded my arms across my chest and moved my eyes down to my shoes. Better to look away. Her face was too intimidating.

"Edward is wrapped up in a very complicated situation," she went on. "And I really doubt you want to get in the line of fire. Tanya isn't finished with him yet and while _he _might not know it yet,he isn't finished with her either. They are the same. They need some time to figure things out and you better not get in the way."

"Tanya isn't _finished_ with him yet?" The audacity of these two girls. Who the hell did they think they were? "What is he, like her towel or something?"

She narrowed her eyebrows at me and stepped closer still and I felt the window at my back move.

"Bella?" Alice's voice broke through the tension. "What's going on?"

Victoria flashed her fiery glare toward Alice before returning them to me and dropped her voice to a cutting whisper so that only I could hear.

"Go ahead china doll. Give me a good enough reason to turn this into the best lesson you will _ever _learn."

Again with the threats. Her breath was hot and prickling against my face and I noticed how sweet she smelled. She really was an enticing, well put together package, well except for the psychotic part of course.

"Back off Victoria," Jasper came around the back of the Porsche. She turned her attention to him and smiled sweetly, all the features in her face transformed in an instant. Jasper came to my side and I felt my body relax immediately. When he did that, she put some space between us.

"I'm done," she drawled, shot one more cutting glare at me, then turned on her heels and sauntered away. "She gets the picture."

The breath of air that I exhaled at that point almost deflated my body. Thank God Jasper interjected when he did because a few seconds longer and my false reserve would have shattered to pieces.

"Are you ok?" He asked softly leaning against the car beside me.

I nodded feverishly, knitting my brows together. "Yep. Thanks."

"Bella get in," Alice said from inside the car. "Jazz, I'll see you later."

He nodded at her and waited for me to get into the car before walking away, training his eyes in the direction that Victoria went.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on? Or are you going to make me force it out of you?"

"It's a long story."

"I'm listening." Alice pressed her foot against the gas, hard.

"If you'd just slow down....."  
"Bella, don't try distracting me. Spill it."

"Tanya thinks that I like Edward and she's not happy about it. So she sent Victoria to warn me."

She shot me a sideways glance. I couldn't bring myself to tell her the whole story about the suicide lie. I was sure that Edward wanted that to be a secret.

"Why does she think that?" Alice asked.

I turned my gaze out the window. "I really don't know."

She waited a few moments before she countered.

"_Do_ you like Edward, Bella?"

"No."

"Because Rose thinks so too."

This time I looked at her. I knew Rosalie would have said something to her about what she thought she saw in the cafeteria.

"It's none of Rosalie's business….or anyone else's. Edward and I talk and that's all. Why the hell is it a big deal anyway? I've talked to boys before."

"Bella," she sighed. "You know Rose used to be with Edward right?"

No. I did _not_ know that. I fought back the urge to react in shock and jealousy. Yet another gorgeous specimen of humanity. The more I learned about Edward's the taste, the more I felt like a mutt. More than ever, that revelation about Rosalie bothered me. Edward sure had a preference for the finer things in life. Tanya and Rosalie could easily be two of the most beautiful girls in school. Why the hell did he even bother talking to me?

_But_ _then again, since when did just talking to someone equate to interest?_

It didn't. It was just wishful thinking on my part and I tried really goddamned to fight that kind of thinking. I felt a swell of resentment toward Edward then, as if I had offered myself to him on a golden platter and he had laughed in my face in return.

When I didn't answer, Alice continued.

"Well, it's true and he did to her exactly what he did to Tanya."

_And what the hell was that?_

"What exactly did he do to Rosalie and Tanya, Alice?" I demanded. Everybody seemed to be an expert on Edward Cullen it seemed, while he only seemed to be trying to get the hell away from all of them.

She assessed my expression with concerned, tart eyes.

"He slept with them, and then left them."

I almost choked on the brutal honesty and annoyingly, I felt tears prick the back of my eyelids.

More than the irritation with what I was hearing, I had started to resent myself for _allowing_ myself to feel that way about Edward. He was everything I knew I should stay away from but he had stealthily and secretly seeped into my psyche, resonating like a hairline fracture on every molecule of my being. I had absolutely no right to feel this way about him. He was not mine, now or ever.

"I don't like him Alice. Please drop it."

"Then why are you so upset?"

"Because I'm not a child! I just wish everyone would just leave me alone and let me be. I will talk to whoever I chose to and when!"

"I'm just concerned about you."

"And is that why Rosalie chose to share her suspicions with you Alice? Because she's _concerned_ about me too? You know it's really not worth it. I don't need this. I don't need Edward Cullen, I don't need Rosalie and I certainly don't need Tanya or Victoria. To hell with everybody."

"I wasn't trying to upset you."

"Don't sweat it. It's been that kind of day anyway."

Just then she pulled into our driveway.

"I'm meeting Jasper for a study group now," she said to me as I opened the door to get out of the car. I paused and turned to face her.

"Yeah whatever. You guys aren't even in the same year. What are you going to studying together?"

"We don't need to be studying the same thing in order to study side by side."

"And I wonder who's warning_ you_ about going after a junior when you're a senior."

"That's different," she frowned.

"Of course it is," I scoffed and got out, slamming the door behind me. "Because it's not me, it's you."

"Japer doesn't have Edward's reputation. He's different."

I got out of the car and slammed the door, then I bent to face her through the window as she turned it down.

"Birds of a feather flock together Alice and Edward and Jasper are best friends. And what makes you an expert on the kind of person Edward is anyway?"

She raised her eyebrows facetiously. "What makes you?"

And she got me. I closed my mouth firmly and straightened my back so that she couldn't see me anymore. Truth be told, I was no expert on him either. All I had were hopes that he turned out to be the person I wanted him to be. Alice reversed out of the driveway and sped off down the road, leaving me standing in front of our house feeling dumb, defeated and a million times more insecure than was humanly possible.

I'd never missed Phoenix so much.


	12. Chapter 12 The Light in the Dark

Point to note: This story takes its time to get where it's going. I didn't like the idea of rushing their connection or hurrying to place them together. Please bear with me. There's a lot of foundation and character building that happens early on. Happy reading  Love Reviews!!

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**Chapter 12 – The Light in the Dark**

That evening started off horrid for more reasons than one, but then it evolved into something a lot like bliss. Charlie was still avoiding me and I knew it was true because he had been in contact with Esme. So it couldn't be that he was M.I.A. Before turning in to bed, I passed through the hall outside her bedroom, on my way down to get a drink of water when I heard her call his name. I stopped at the open door when I heard it and looked in. She was sitting on her bed with her back toward the outside, huddling over in an intense argument on the phone. Curiosity drew me inside the doorway and I waited patiently for the conversation to end before I began my inquisition. The tail end of the conversation with Charlie was less than pleasant and was loaded with monumental threats on Esme's end. Aggravated, I walked over in front of her view, upset about the threats I had overheard. As I was about to accuse her of hitting a man while he was down, the look on her face stopped me.

"What's wrong mom?" She didn't act surprised to see me.

This divorce was by no means easy on any of us, least of all, Charlie and Esme and the worn look I found on her face when I looked at her, kept me in check and made me divert from the initial confrontation I had in mind. It hadn't occurred to me that she'd still be hurting from it all, here in Forks. I thought that she looked happier already. Forks did her a world of good. However, it was obvious that the effects of her divorce were still very much affecting her and I wrapped my arms around her when she bent her head and started to cry.

"Mom, what's wrong? Please tell me."

"It's nothing Bella."

"How could nothing make you this upset?"

She raised her head and looked at me through her pained and teary eyes. "I can't talk to you about him."

I swallowed nervously. I worried that perhaps something had happened to him when she said that? Then I shoved away the concern. If something had happened to him, I would have known.

"Is he ok?"

"He's Charlie," she rolled her eyes, pulling away from me to wipe at them and straighten her hair out.

That didn't soothe me. Charlie was self destructive and being _Charlie_ meant that he was in trouble.

"But he's ok...right?"

She assessed me and sniffled.

"You worry about him constantly don't you?"

I bit down on my lip and took a seat next to her on her bed. "Yes."

Then she shook her head in the most melancholy way and patted me on my back gently.

"That's why I can't talk to you about him."

I got the uncanny feeling that they were now both working together to keep things from me.

"You can't _not _tell me if he's in trouble mom," I countered, irritation and anxiety getting the better of me. "He's my dad. I deserve to know."

"Not when it hurts you the way it does Bella. It's too dangerous for you to be this close to him. Don't think I haven't noticed that the incidents have increased since we got here and that you are even more connected to him now than you ever were before. I can even tell that the pain is more intense. Is it only his physical pain that transfers to you?"

"Yes. And what do you expect me to do? You can't separate us more than we already are. What more do you want? You got me away from him."

"I didn't move because I was trying to tear you away from your father. In any case, I wanted you to have a normal life, free of the adult burdens you drag around behind you all the time. Go out with friends, meet boys, movies….anything other than locking yourself away in your room to grieve and cry yourself to sleep every night!"

Three things happened at once. I felt my chest cave, my blood rush to my head and my lungs emptied themselves of any air. _How did she know that I cried myself to sleep at night?_

"How do you know about that? Did he tell you?"

"He didn't have to tell me Bella," she got up and walked over to the door to close it. "I check in on you every night and I see you sobbing in your sleep. Not to mention your blood shot, red rimmed eyes every morning. How am I supposed to react to the sight of my daughter degenerating before my very eyes? I know he's your father and you love him, I get that. But I'm your mother and it's not easy to see you hurt like this while he's over there _not_ thinking about what his actions do to you! You've lost a ton of weight already, you hardly eat, you don't sleep properly and you don't have any friends."

"I can't be Alice, Esme!" I shot off the bed and clenched my fists at my sides. "I've always been a recluse and you _know _that. Absolutely nothing has changed, so stop acting like this is some new revelation. I've _never_ been the life of the party. I don't do anything here that I didn't do back in Phoenix."

"And that's one of the reasons why we moved. I thought that being in a new place would benefit you and fine, I'll admit that a part of it had something to do with putting some physical distance between you and your father. I want you to stop being his replica and to have a chance to blossom into your own person."

"I _am_ my own person! _God_!"

She pulled at the roots of her hair and bent her head over in frustration.

"It was _you,_ wasn't it?!" I continued to rant, stepping toward her in vengeful vehemence. "You are the one that told him to stop taking my calls!"

All she did was groan and shake her head slowly from side to side with her fingers still tangled at her roots.

"I can't believe you!" I screamed at her. "Well guess what? You're not helping me one bit! All you've managed to do was make things harder for me because now that he won't talk to me, it only makes me miss him more and worry about him more!"

"Bella stop it."

"I will not stop it. I've done nothing wrong!" I barged my way past her and yanked the door open violently to find that Alice was leaning against it and she almost fell back on top of me with the force I pulled it open with. I pushed past her and ran down the stairs.

Without thinking, I grabbed the keys to the Porsche on the kitchen counter, my coat in the cupboard in the foyer and stormed out the door.

"Bella where are you going?" Alice came running after me.

"I need to think Alice. I'll be back in half an hour."

"Are you sure that's a good idea, you're upset…."

"Just let it be Alice." I got into the car and mashed down on the gas and reversed, leaving her on the front step gaping after me. The road was dark. Forks was always dark, even in the day. I'd managed not to cry in my fight with Esme which was strange for me because being the emotional sack that I was, any heightened emotion resulted in tears. But the anger that was tearing through me was too stinging to incite tears and I found myself speeding through the streets, with no particular destination in mind, feeling empowered and electrically charged. I was so tired of always being depressed and worn and anxious. My mind was always strained and I was always exhausted. The street lights whirred past me casting slanted streams of yellow light into the car. A familiar corner came into view and I turned around it, speeding down the street blindly until the road came to a dead end and I had to stop. I realized then why the corner was familiar when I looked up at the frightening, looming structure of the Cullen warehouse.

His car wasn't there and I felt both relieved and disappointed at the observation. I got out of the car and shivered as the cold air slapped me in my face. I huddled deeper into my coat and cursed myself for rushing out the way I did in my pajama pants and t-shirt. Very slowly, I made my way around the side toward the lights that beckoned me from the back. The faintest sound of a strumming guitar caught me by surprise as I made my way around the side. The closer I got to it, the more my interest peaked, but when I got to the back and searched the lot with my eyes, there was no one in sight.

Then where the hell was that music coming from?

This was private property and Edward's car wasn't in front, so who the hell was back there and where were they hiding? It could have been Emmett, but his jeep wasn't parked out front either. I thought about turning around and driving the hell out of there, but the sound grew louder, pulling me forward and forcing me to submit myself to its ethereal calling. It was soothing, rhythmic and gentle. I spun around like a hundred times trying to place the lull. Standing at the back of the warehouse and completely out of sight to any passerby in the road didn't even make me nervous, though I had the distinct feeling that I wasn't behind there alone. In the next second, an enigmatic voice in a soft, low melody accompanied the guitar, compelling me to move forward and find the source of the mesmerizing sound.

The voice sounded like it was coming from up in the Oak. When I got to the foot of the tree, I craned my neck to look up, squinting through the darkness to find the answer. The music stopped suddenly then and it sounded like the person's fingers dragged across the chords in surprise, creating a squealing, scratching sound. It was no use looking up into the tree, because it was too dark and I couldn't see a thing. I realized that I had been discovered, so I took a few steps backward away from the trunk, wondering what the hell I should do next. Whoever it was up there didn't say a word and I was pretty sure that they could see _me_ very well.

An alarm was aroused in me just then, thinking that perhaps I had discovered a trespasser or something. Heck,_ I_ was a trespasser. I turned to leave in a hurry, praying that the person was too high up in the tree to make it down in time to accost me. God knew, I wasn't a fast runner and if left up to the reliability of my own legs, I would fail miserably.

"Don't leave."

I almost tripped over one of the roots that emerged from the earth below. If I had a billion guesses in the world about the owner of that beautiful sound in the Oak, not a single one of them would have been Edward Cullen.

I spun around jerkily to face the tree again with my breath scattering out of my nostrils in heavy pants.

"Edward?" I gasped, squinting into the tree again.

A few moments later his legs came into view as he climbed down to the last branch with his guitar slung across his back. Just like before, he swing his body down under the branch and dropped the vast distance to the floor, like a seasoned pro. He smiled when he turned to me and no words in the generous span of the earth could justify the sight of him that night; a picture of strength and unconscious grace, exuding the kind of beauty that only a grieving spirit knew how to earn.

"Bella." And the way he said my name prepped me nice and easy for the first aneurism I would ever suffer. What was it about this man boy that made every nerve ending in my body twitch in anticipated acquiescence?

"What are you doing here?" He asked, taking a few steps toward me.

"Um," I fumbled with my coat, taking a few generous steps backward, wishing the car was just right there behind me, waiting to whisk me away. "I was just....you know, trespassing."

_And the truth shall set you free._

He let out a short laugh at my befuddlement.

_Always amused by me… lately._

"Why are you walking backward like that?" he raised an eyebrow, though that didn't stop his advancing on me. I stopped when he called it and looked down at my feet because looking at him was effectively unraveling me.

"I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be here. I was upset and I needed a place to collect my thoughts and be alone and well…..I sort of ended up here. It's the only place I know in Forks, well except of course for my house, and school, and the gas station…and the grocery store. And none of those other places seemed particularly appropriate at the time, so …."

His mouth was curved into a half smile and he shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Why are you apologizing to me? You're welcome to come here whenever you want. Why else would I show it to you if I didn't want you to like it?"

His face took on an odd seriousness then and I bounced slightly on my heels. How unfair. The gods were so cruel. How could all that perfection belong to a single person while people like me were dished the average card? The average card sucked.

"Thanks." It got very awkward very quickly and we just stood there looking at each other after that, neither of us knowing what to say or do next. He broke the ice first.

"Will you tell me?" He asked, taking another step forward, pulling his dark eyebrows together.

"Tell you what?"

"Whatever it was that upset you?"

"Ah," I raised my eyebrows. "I don't think you'd be interested. It's a_ looong_, boring, over dramatic story." I rolled my eyes to give him the impression that is wasn't a big deal – no worries.

"I have time," He answered. I swallowed audibly and his eyes shifted down to my throat.

The thought of dumping my family drama on Edward Cullen, even in the littlest dose, was embarrassing.

"Well I'm not going to leave you out here by yourself," he continued. "And you came here because you needed to get it off your chest. So...get a load off. I promise not to be bored." He turned his back to me and walked toward the Oak. After hesitating for a few seconds, I followed him and watched him take a seat at the foot of the tree where he rested his back against the trunk after swinging his guitar over his shoulders and set it down beside him on the ground. He pulled his knees up and stretched his arms out over them.

The only polite thing to do was sit with him, so I did, placing myself opposite him while fighting with the opposing forces in my head. One side argued that talking about all that stuff was just opening a hornet's nest and paving the way for tears, which I couldn't bring myself to show him; while the other side berated me for being a stupid coward and for taking the opportunity of spending quality time with him for granted. In the first place, why on earth did he even care?

"Why are you interested?"

"You're upset," he answered. "And I don't like seeing my friends upset."

For the first time ever, the word 'friend' seemed like an ugly, derogatory word.

_Friend_.

I should have been happy to have a friend, especially after Esme had just accused me of being a social misfit. But nothing could have disappointed me more just then. Even after a mere few days, I knew I wanted more out of Edward Cullen than just friendship. Without him even knowing it, his declaration of friendship had just made me feel even lower. And although I expected nothing different, because in _my_ eyes and probably everyone else's, I would always be just good friend material; there is within every woman, and probably more so in me, the perennial battle of intuition versus hope. No matter how strong your intuition might be, it usually fades in the slightest glimmer of hope and the moment that hope is snatched away, the dejection is suddenly the only thing that exists.

Very sulkily, I answered him.

"I had a fight with my mother."

He rested his head back against the trunk and closed his eyes, exposing his neck and protruding adam's apple to my wandering eyes.

"Go on," he urged.

I sighed, feeling an uncharacteristic euphoria on the prospect of opening up to him.

"We fought about my dad. She's upset because I worry about him too much and she thinks I obsess about him. He's all alone back home in Phoenix and it scares me because I think he needs help. I shouldn't be here in Forks. I should be with him right now."

Edward opened his eyes and shifted them concertedly to me.

"Why does he need you?"

That was the difficult part. No one other than Esme, Alice, Uncle Phil and Charlie knew about the empathic synergy I shared with Charlie. That part was under wraps.

"Because he's…..he doesn't take care of himself the way he should."

"You took care of him in Phoenix?"

"In a way, yes. Emotionally, as well as….well, he kinda drinks a lot. I cleaned up after him a lot and cooked for him when he wouldn't eat. But most of it was emotional. He doesn't connect with anyone else and now that I'm not there…. we're like each other's _other_ half." I felt the lump rear in my throat and I swallowed it self consciously, not wanting to talk about it anymore. In an attempt to control the oncoming onslaught of emotion, I slowed my breathing and tried to focus on the leaves on the ground.

"Oh," was all he said. I knew he didn't get it. I knew what I sounded like - like an imbalanced, obsessive mental case.

"You wouldn't understand."

"Perhaps I do."

"I'm not weird or anything. I've just never been away from him like this before and I ……"

_Why couldn't I find the right words?_

"You what?"

"It's nothing."

"Bella," he leaned forward, dropping his knees to the floor so that he could fold his legs like mine. "You might as well just get it off your chest. I can see it right there begging for freedom. Just say it instead of worrying about how it sounds. Is this why you're always so sad and quiet in school? You always look like you've been crying too much, or pretty much like you're about to cave under something heavy."

"You can't know any of that about me," I said, shaking my head and looking away from him. "You only just met me."

"True, but it's not hard to see that you're always distracted, deep in thought, in your own world, somewhere sad. There's no need to get defensive about it. It's just my observation."

_So he observed me now?_

"I'm not defensive."

"You're being defensive right now," he smiled with an arched eyebrow.

I shot up off the floor and wrapped my arms around me. "Is this why you asked me to talk to you? So that you could mock and infuriate me?"

"Relax Bella…"

"Why is everybody always telling me to relax?"

"You're upset."

"Yes I am."

"I'm sorry," he said softly up to me. I exhaled a sharp breath out of my nose. Then he stretched his arm up and held his hand out to me.

"Please, sit back down."

I stared at his hand, unprepared for what the touch of his skin might do to me, remembering perfectly well what it had done to me the last time. Holding hands was sort of intimate and seeing that we were just friends….

That's when I realized why I had gotten so easily upset with him. It didn't have much to do with anything he said to me about my sad state. It was about what he had said before….the friend part.

As he was about to drop his hand back to his side, I grabbed for it in fear that I would miss the opportunity. When our hands met, he squeezed mine gently and pulled me back to the floor beside him this time, instead of in front where I faced him previously.

Better. I could set my eyes elsewhere, like on the scenery or something instead of his face, and maybe that way, it would be easier to concentrate. Once I was down he released my fingers from his grasp.

"I shouldn't interrupt," he smiled at me from the side. Our shoulders were touching. Were friends this intense? _Maybe, when you were friends with Edward Cullen._

Poor Tanya and Rosalie…poor any other girl who ever tried to be friends with him and lost miserably to the incontrollable demands of their heart. They probably never knew what hit them and by the time they guessed it, it was too late. He had this unconscious way of getting under your skin very quickly. Stubbornly, I refused to believe that it was too late for me as well. I would fight this connection to him tooth and nail. I would go down fighting it until my last breath, because what happened to Tanya and Rosalie was sure as hell _not_ going to happen to me.

"Again, you're off somewhere in that head of yours," his voice was low and very near to my ears. I shifted away from him without intending to, like a reflex action. He noticed it and smiled cheekily. _Amused again._

I lifted my chin defiantly.

"You know,' he continued. "I'd never have guessed that you packed such a temper from just looking at you."

"Why is that?" I asked. "Because I'm plain and boring looking…..too quiet, too shy?"

"Plain and boring looking?" His voice shot up several octaves and when I looked over at him, he seemed taken aback with his eyebrows raised and his mouth open. For just one instant, my hopes flickered again, albeit by only a minute fraction, but flickered nonetheless.

"You think you're plain and boring looking?"

"Edward, please don't humor me. I know what and who I am and I'm fine with it."

"Um…._noooo_." He raised his knees again and rested his forearms on the top. "I know you _try_ to look plain and boring and I think it's on purpose. You'd be a hell of a lot more….attractive, if you didn't hide yourself so much."

That wasn't anything near reassuring. '_Attractive_'…..the word used when trying to be politically correct about someone not particularly pretty, but not ugly either.

Again, the average card.

I almost scoffed at him, but in my determination to conceal the way he affected me, I forced myself to appear nonchalant.

"I don't always have a bad temper you know. I mean..yes, I have a temper, but it's not often that it comes out," I went on, in want to lead the conversation away from my looks. "It's just that I've been kinda out of sorts since moving to Forks. I'm agitated, upset and I really, _really_…." My voice trailed off.

"Really what Bella?"

"I really miss my dad. I just wish I could go back. I feel like there's a huge part of me missing." Without even realizing it, I started to lose myself in Edward's calm. My reserve started slipping away and suddenly, all I wanted to do was bare my soul to him and hope to God that he wouldn't cringe from me when he saw what I had inside.

"I know what you mean," he answered. His voice sounded stretched and distant and when I looked at his face, his features had gone rigid and cold and his eyes drifted off to some nonexistent spot in space. Then I realized what I had known before then. Edward too had _his_ share of grief to deal with. I remember Alice and Tanya referring to a dead mother and brother and while it was hard for me to talk about my current situation with Charlie, it must have been even harder for him to talk about his. At least Charlie was alive.

In that moment, I felt something tender tug at my heart for Edward and I wanted to be the one he could be comfortable with to talk to about whatever he needed to. I had taken the first step in opening myself to him partially and I hoped that because of that he would find it bearable to do the same. I remembered the first night we came out there when I asked him about the warehouse and why Carlisle didn't follow through with his hospital plan. He had choked up and it was clear that he was having a tremendous amount of difficulty with whatever it was that haunted him…whatever it was that was connected him to this mesmerizing place where we sat.

"He's getting worse," I continued, trying to distract him from wherever it was he had gone to in his mind. "Losing us was probably the worst thing that ever happened to him. The divorce was really ugly and though he knew it would all inevitably end, I don't think he expected Esme to fight for custody and take us so far away from him. That hit him really hard. I've never seen him in so much pain, not even when his marriage was being torn to shreds."

"You're very close to him." It wasn't a question. It was an observation.

"He's more than my dad. He's always been...kinda like my twin soul. There's no part of me he doesn't know, and vice versa. He knows how to read me like an open book. He could see things in me that one else can."

Edward closed his eyes again and listened.

"There was this one time," I continued, getting lost in the comfort he offered again and it was strange, because I was used to avoiding talk about my bond with Charlie.

"I was in elementary school, I think it was in grade two and I came home one afternoon in a really grumpy mood because some stupid boy I liked pulled my hair and threw me into the sand box and called me a pale face." I smiled at the memory. "I didn't want to tell my folks because I knew they would make a scene at school. Esme would go to the school board with it because she was on the PTA and my dad well….he's the chief of police. In any case, I abhor attention and public scenes and the embarrassment would have just killed me. So I painted on my best smile and I made sure to laugh all evening and I even let Alice dress me up which she loved. It was my best performance when all I really wanted to do was run to my room and bawl my eyes out because I had _really_ liked the toad and he broke my heart. Then Charlie, he came into my room not a minute after I found the exit and escaped. He picked me up and put me to sit on my bed, knelt down in front of me, looked me square in the eyes and said; "_Tell me what happened today. Why are you so upset?"_

I glanced over at Edward, one side of his mouth curved upward in a lazy smile and his eyes were still closed. It was easy to talk to him this way when he wasn't distracting me with his eyes and trying to drown me in his green buckets. I went on.

"I tried to convince him that I was ok…..and that nothing had happened, but he wasn't buying it. My mom never realized, Alice hadn't either, but _he _knew.I tried really stubbornly to deny that anything was wrong because I was also embarrassed by the boy's rejection, but Charlie said, _'Bella, your eyes can't lie. You've been tugging at your skirt hem all afternoon and the ends of your shoe laces are completely frayed from your constant picking at them.'_ I didn't even know I'd been doing those things, but he got me and I started bawling my eyes out to him about what happened."  
"I told you," Edward said softly.  
"What?"

"I told you, you fidget when something's bothering you. You'd been fidgeting all afternoon with the hem of your skirt and your shoe laces and he saw it."  
A cold gust of wind blew over my face then, lifting my hair and scalding my neck, going all the way through to my bones. Edward had said that to me the first day at school and even once of twice after that. They were also his first words to me. '_You fidget a lot.'_

I didn't know if to feel worried, self conscious, or touched by his acute observation of me. But he was right and had managed to get that part about me spot on, very early. Even Alice or Esme never mentioned that anything about me being fidgety at times.

When I didn't respond right away he opened his eyes and turned his face toward mine. His expression was tranquil and thoughtful. The dark of the night and the light from the back wall of the warehouse played together and cast shadows across his face that made his chiseled features more pronounced. His eyes were very calm and deep, making their way past mine into my mind and as if I felt him trying to read it, I turned away and tried to block him out. But try all I might, Edward Cullen was in and I feared that I didn't know how to get him back out.

We stared at each other silently for a while and for the first time, I was ok with it. Mostly because my mind was racing with so many thoughts all at once that I was distracted; and also because we had found a way to be quiet with each other and it seemed to be a mutual liking. I only wished I could be this calm and settled around him when we were in public.

"Hmm," I eventually muttered.  
"What does that mean?" He asked and moved over closer, but only slightly. His shoulder was again touching mine and thank heavens for layers.  
"It means that maybe I'm lot easier to get than I thought," I answered him and a part of me worried about that.  
"Or maybe……." He drawled. "Just maybe I get you in a special way too?"  
My heart all but stopped beating and I felt my face grow hot, even in the freezing cold.  
He let out a short laugh then. "It's ok Bella. Don't look quite so freaked out by it. I'm just guessing."  
My cell started to buzz in my coat pocket. Never a better time. I grabbed it out and answered.  
"Yes."  
"Bella," came Esme's frustrated and low tolerance voice. "What are you trying to do to me?"  
"I'll be home shortly. I'm fine."  
"You have ten minutes."  
"I'll need fifteen."  
She hung up. The anger and frustration crept back into my disposition and I really hated the idea of facing her when I returned to the house. All the progress I had made sitting out there with Edward had just been reversed.  
"I have to go," I said, pulling myself off the ground. "By the way, where's your car?"  
"I parked on the other side of the building," he indicated to the side of the building that we couldn't see, the opposite side that I had walked up. "There's a make shift garage on that side."  
"Oh. Ok then. Well, see you tomorrow I guess."  
He rose to his feet and picked up his guitar, drawing my attention to it, then I remembered that I had found him singing and playing the guitar when I had arrived. He had impressed me. I didn't think he was that talented. I wanted to tell him I thought so, but I lost my nerve and blushed inwardly.  
"I'll follow you home," he said to me.  
"You don't have to do that. I'll be ok."  
"I know I don't have to, but I'll feel better if I do."  
Talented, gorgeous, a good listener, tall, observant and now….chivalrous. I cursed the gods again. It _had_ to be some kind of mean joke that the gods were all laughing at.

_It's not funny! _I screamed at them inside my head.

We walked around the building together towards the yellow Porsche parked in the street.  
"Sweet car," he smiled.  
"You know this car already from school."  
"Yes; and it's a sweet car," he grinned boyishly at me.  
"I'd say thanks, but it's not my idea of sweet."  
"Ah. You would have preferred something simpler."  
"A whole lot simpler."  
"You don't like the attention it draws."  
"Stop doing that," I faced him head on when we got to my door. "It's irritating."  
"What? That I'm learning so much about you so quickly?"  
"Yes, especially because it's one sided. I'm yet to learn about you."  
He placed an arm on the hood of the car over me and leaned down closer to me.  
"Do you want to learn about me Isabella?"

I almost told him to stop doing that again, but what would I say when he asked "_what?_" – _stop overwhelming me with your existence?  
_"Bella."  
"I like them both, but since you prefer Bella," he rolled his eyes at me teasingly and removed his arm. The strength of his scent dissipated when he moved. "Get in and wait here while I get my car."

I obeyed. _As if I had a choice._ He wasn't easy to refuse, I was discovering.

A few seconds later, his headlights came around the side and he flashed them at me. I turned the Porsche around and drove away, seeing his headlights in my rear view. I was acutely aware of my driving with him behind me. He was a fast driver and I wondered if he thought I was too slow, so I mashed down on the accelerator a little and just as I expected he matched my new pace easily. Again, I pressed down, harder this time, enjoying the thrill it gave me. It was actually kind of fun, like he was chasing after me.

_Ugh. As if_.

He was not to be outdone, not that I thought I could outdo him, but it was fun to try. He sped up too. I looked into my rear view mirror and tried it again, although this time I was stupid enough to keep my eyes in the mirror too long and grossly misjudged the distance to the corner. A horn blared desperately from behind and the sound knocked me back into focus. Why was he blowing his horn at me? I reverted my eyes to the front just in time to see a minivan speed down the main route across my path, blaring his horn as well, just bare inches from colliding with me. I'd already made it out onto the main street without knowing it. I slammed down onto the brakes, my seatbelt hitched and my face narrowly escaped smashing into the steering wheel. One second later and I would have crashed right into the minivan, which by the way never slowed down. He simply zoomed on by with an arrogant blaring of his horn. Seconds later there was a loud banging on my window that caused me to jump frantically in surprise. It was Edward and he was not happy. I turned down the window and peered up at him in humiliation.

"Please tell me that's not what you drive like on a regular basis," he growled at me. I felt like a child being scolded.

"I'm sorry," I responded. "I don't."

"And you think _I_ drive like an ass," he stated.

"I said I was sorry," I bit out at him. "I won't do it again. I'm going home now." With one last flabbergasted look, he turned away and marched swiftly to his car behind. After that, I was on my best behavior. A penny was too big compared to the size I had shrunk to, but hey, I was alive.

When I pulled into my driveway, he parked his car at the mouth of the entrance, but he didn't get out. I rose my hand and sent him a feeble wave before opening the front door.

"Good night," I said though only I could hear it. Geez, he was so mad at me. He didn't so much as turn his window down to wave in return. I slithered in between the door and the frame, humiliated to shreds and locked the door behind me.

I expected to be confronted by Esme when I got there, but the house was quiet and dark. Grateful for small mercies, I tip toed up the stairs carefully and snuck into my bedroom, grateful for the sanctuary it offered. I was sure Esme would be up in her bedroom listening for the sounds of me coming in, but she never came out. Thanking the universe once more, I showered quickly and went to bed with Edward's face dominating my thoughts.

I knew that sleep would not come easily.


	13. Chapter 13 Oh ye spiteful gods

**Chapter 13 – Oh Ye Spiteful Gods**

Tuesday morning started off better for me. It was the first time I woke up in Forks in good spirits and with thoughts about someone other than Charlie. Edward was there instead, in full force. The fact that he was upset with me for my driving stunt the night before appealed to my guilty nature. For about ten minutes I lay on my bed after I awoke, replaying it all in my head. It was a very close call and I had almost gotten myself and the Porsche hurt. I ran a couple of scenarios over in my mind.

I wondered what it was that upset him to the point where he wouldn't even wave to say good night. Was it the fact that he liked the car and I had almost wrecked it? Was it the fact that I put the other driver's life in danger with my stupidity? Was it just the general headache of witnessing such a close call? Or was it me? Could he have been scared for me?

_Wishful thinking again._

I flicked my hair out of my eyes and got up to shower for school. For the first time since arriving at Forks, I was actually in a hurry to get to school. It took me ten minutes to get dressed and down to the kitchen for a quick breakfast. No one was there yet, so I whipped up breakfast for Alice and Esme, just to speed things up a bit. I couldn't have Edward still upset with me and I was eager to get to school and deal with it quickly. Today was bio day, so I had the perfect opportunity to talk to him then if I didn't see him in the parking lot before school started.

Esme was first. She walked in cautiously and surveyed the scene, seemingly still unsure about how to interact with me after the fight we had.

"Are you making breakfast?" She asked, almost incredulously. "For everyone?"

"Yes mom. Here eat up. Pancakes and eggs."

She took her seat on the island and started placing stuff on her plate. I knew she was confused by my apparent change in demeanor after last night, it was evident in her expression, but she said nothing about it. I figured she'd be walking on egg shells for the next couple of days.

"My God," Alice beamed as she bounced in. "What smells so good?"

"Breakfast," I said and slid a plate toward her.

"Bella wow. This is….nice."

"Don't mention it. Eat up so we can go." I had already wolfed down my own so I ran upstairs to brush my teeth again before leaving the house. The reflection in the mirror stared back at me with big brown eyes, long, dark flat hair and pale cheeks. I passed a brush through my hair again, playing with the idea of putting it into a pony tail, but deciding against it. My hair was a convenient veil when I needed to hide myself and even though it seemed that Edward had figured that out, it still didn't take away the comfort that it provided.

_No ponytail today_, I thought and jogged down the stairs to meet Alice.

We pulled into the parking lot not long after and again, Jasper was there waiting for Alice. I looked at her reaction just to make sure. She smiled and bounced her pixie head when she spotted him. She said by the end of the week, so I counted in my head. It was Tuesday, that left them three days to seal the deal if Alice was correct and by the looks of it, they looked sealed up pretty damned tight. The next person I saw was Edward, right next to Jasper and my heart lurched in quiet anticipation. Wouldn't it have been great if Jasper was waiting for Alice and Edward was at his side waiting for me? What a pretty picture that made…what a pretty unrealistic picture.

"See you at lunch Bella," Alice chirped and all but sprang out of the car. With a sigh, I hauled myself out and slammed the door behind me, feeling his pair of brazen, cold eyes staring at me from across the lot. When my eyes met them with mine, I almost flinched.

He was still upset, leaning against his car, glaring at me so intentionally that I had to turn around just to make sure that Tanya wasn't behind me or anything. But nope, there was no Tanya there. So that look was all mine.

_Lovely_, I thought. _So glad I rushed over here just to see him. I've effectively learned my lesson. _

I also thought that it was a gross overreaction on his part. Nothing actually happened with the car and no one was injured. There was absolutely no way I deserved the wrath of hell that he was spitting in my direction. So much for the nice apology I had prepared for him. I took it back immediately and let my feet take me straight into the school building instead of going over to him to say hello. All I wanted to do was drop my head, hide behind my hair and disappear so he wouldn't have the chance to do what his eyes suggested.

He didn't follow me, go figure. Why would he? He had third period biology to look forward to where he could_ really_ tell me what he thought about my driving, up close and personal. Maybe he thought he let me off too easily the night before. I couldn't figure it out. Still, I thought he was overreacting.

I sat through first and second periods listening to Mike rant about his weekend for the tenth time and that he really couldn't make it to my house on Friday night _anyway_ because Jessica had him so busy with this and that and the other….

During that second period I looked over at Jessica and literally pleaded with her with my eyes to take him and run away.

_Please take him now and have lots and lots of babies and buy a house somewhere in New Zealand, on the other side of the world, so that my ears may once again know peace!_

There was no friendliness in her eyes but for an instant, the look of hatred was replaced with mild amusement and I thought she finally understood that Mike was merely a tolerance of mine, not an indulgence.

By the time second period ended, I was all mixed up. I had built up third period biology so much in my mind ever since waking up that morning that I was almost afraid of it now. A part of me bubbled over with rapt anticipation knowing that I'd be sitting next to him for an hour, but of course, another part of me hesitated at the thought of the reception I was about to face. Today was AV day and Mr. Banner had a documentary planned for us. At least, I would be able to suffer the wrath of Edward in darkness.

I made my way to the lab sullenly, fighting with the big mustard coat that refused to stay open at my sides and thank God I wore my hair down. As I entered the lab, Tyler walked straight into me, colliding so hard that my books spilled on to the floor.

"Bella! Oh my God I'm sorry," he bellowed, taking a nose dive down to pick up my books. Unfortunately, we had the exact thought process and I did the same; and as if the initial clash wasn't bad enough, we made up for it with the second as our heads smashed together.

"Argh!" I yelped in surprise, forgetting the books on the floor to grab my forehead.

"Are you kidding me?" Tyler groaned, looking into my face with a horrified expression. "I can't believe I just did that!" He took my face in his frantic hands and started inspecting my skull for any damage. "Are you ok?!"

"It's fine Tyler," I mumbled, pulling my face away from his eager and groping fingers.

"Are you two done smooching down there?" Mr. Banner announced. "I'd like to begin."

I grabbed my things off the floor and shot up in a fury. The revolting look I had intended for Mr. Banner got wiped away immediately when I saw Edward sitting at our lab table, with a look on his face that could singe the hardest metal into ash. At that point, I almost begged Mr. Banner for an excuse…. or for a new lab partner for that matter. Anything that would save me from the scorching gates of hell that awaited me. When I didn't move, Mr. Banner cleared his throat.

"Miss Swan, the stool won't come to you."

Reluctantly, I dragged my feet forward and very slowly made my way to my seat. I half expected it to burn being so close the fiery dragon himself, and was relieved to feel the cool surface send tingly waves through my jeans instead.

Edward was very intentional with his glare. He never broke it. Mr. Banner started giving his introduction to the documentary we were about to see and a minute later the lights went out. The room went pitch black and the darkness was never more appropriate. The projection at the front of the class sent a weak glow into the darkness, but it wasn't bright enough to illuminate anything beyond one foot of it. My body relaxed immediately and I felt the pressure of Edward's stare dwindle. A soft sound from his side caught my attention and when I looked over, he was pulling his stool closer to mine. The smell of him drifted all around me and right then I wished that I was some supernatural being that didn't need to breathe in order to survive, because I swear to God that the smell of Edward Cullen was fast becoming the one thing that could easily be the end of me. As my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I saw him lower his head closer to mine. Forget his scent, it was his closeness that made me stop breathing.

"We have to talk," he grunted into my ear.

His breath was warm and it smelled of cigarettes. Ordinarily, I would be repulsed by that, but on Edward it was perfect and just what I would expect him to smell like.

"Wait," I whispered to him, trying to read his eyes, but it was near impossible in the dark. "Please. You can't be this angry with me."

"I can't or I shouldn't?"

"Well…both. Edward. I'm sorry about last night. It was reckless, I know. I've never driven like that before. I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry and I feel pretty goddamned embarrassed about it as it is, and you aren't making it any better. I didn't think it would make you _this _mad."

He paused for a second and drew his stool even closer to me, so that he could drop his voice lower.

"Bella," he hissed. "This has _nothing_ to do with your stupid stunt last night."

I frowned in the darkness. Now I was thoroughly confused.

"Then what? I haven't done anything….."

"Why didn't you tell me about Victoria?"

"Victoria? What on earth….oh."

"Yes….oh."

I reverted my attention to the film playing on the screen at the front of the class then ran my eyes quickly over the dark heads in the room. From what I could see, everyone was paying attention to what was happening at the front. Only a few others were huddled something like we were and whispering. Mr. Banner's dark silhouette sat at the front by the door, almost completely obscured.

"Bella, why didn't you tell me about what happened yesterday after school?"

"Um…No reason really," I turned back to Edward's bent head, so dangerously close to my face. "How did you hear?"

"Jazz told me this morning before school," he whispered.

So that's what happened. Jasper had spoken to him about the confrontation between Victoria and me in the lot the day before, so by the time I had arrived that morning, he had already known.

"Ok. Look Edward. There's no need to get so worked up about this?"

"We made a deal Bella. You promised me that you would tell me when either of them spoke to you."

"Ok but that only happened yesterday. Give me a break."

"You spent an hour with me last night. You had all that time to mention it to me and you never did."

I sighed exasperatedly and bent my head over, resting it on the table. This was unbelievable. Of all the things to be pissed about. It actually seemed kind of childish at the time. I hated talking to him about Tanya and Victoria. They were the spawn of evil and the less effort I could place on them the better. And besides, why would I report to him every time either of them spoke to me, and why would he get _this_ incensed when I didn't? I wasn't a child.

I kept my head down trying to collect my thoughts and figure out what I could possibly say to him to make him drop it. I didn't deliberately try to keep it a secret or anything. Simply, I didn't think it was worth talking about and I had actually forgotten about it.

And then in the middle of my mental battle and just as I raised my face to rest my chin on my forearms, the most unexpected thing happened. He touched me.

_He touched me right there in the darkness._

I almost shuddered in surprise when his fingers stroked my hair away from my eyes and tucked it behind my ear. From then on movement was impossible. Every molecule in me gelled together and I became an unresponsive amoeba. And it got better. He didn't move his fingers right away. After he tucked the lock behind my ear, he ran his fingers down the length of it, sending shafts of awareness back up to my scalp, all the way down to the ends against my waist. I let out a sharp breath of air, too intimidated and self aware to raise my eyes to his. All I could do was just sit still and allow him to touch me.

Geez, if this was what his anger felt like, I'd like to piss him the hell off more often.

"Bella," he whispered. "Please get up." His whisper was still edgy, but not nearly as harsh as before.

_Why oh ye gods, why do you insist on punishing me like this? Of all the friendships to bless me with, I get the misdirected and unintentional seduction of a man god with the temperament of a four year old. _

But, as he wished, I raised myself and kept my eyes forward. He removed his hand.

"You have to take me seriously when it comes to Tanya and Victoria, _especially_ Victoria," he continued and I nodded silently.

"What did she tell you exactly?"

"Can we leave this conversation for lunch time please? It's kind of lengthy to discuss in the middle of class," I countered.

I felt him exhale roughly against my ear, but he caved and shoved away from me roughly. I could tell he was aggravated. However, the distance between us was much appreciated.

Finally, a moment to focus and regroup the organs that just dropped to the pit of my stomach. These feelings for Edward were accelerating fast and going nowhere, because friends didn't go where my feelings were headed. A moment later, I felt like I needed to rest my head down again because all of a sudden I felt light headed. I put my head back down against my forearms and closed my eyes, but that didn't help. The dizziness escalated and I felt the room rock.

I made sure to eat breakfast that morning and sure it was close to lunch, but I wasn't hungry enough to cause this kind of nausea. Bile rose into my throat and the urge to vomit made me snap my head up again for fear that it would spill right out of me.

"Bella?" Edward was close to me again in a flash.

My eyes couldn't focus, the room was too dark, but why was it spinning? Everything started blending together, from dark still objects, to dark whirring objects, then finally to one black blur creeping in on me without mercy or warning. I grabbed on to the edge of the table, in an attempt to steady myself, knowing that I was about to collapse onto the floor. Suddenly I knew what was happening. Whenever this occurred, Charlie's gap would appear inside my mind, the gap that separated my reality from his impressions. I knew this wasn't my body doing this. It was Charlie's.

_But good god, it was never this blinding before. _

Light, I needed light, to focus. It would help me focus. I also needed air. It was getting harder to breathe. I looked over in the direction of the door, wondering if I could make it in time, but even the door was blurred and it meshed with the haze of everything else, all spinning. I felt something lodge inside of my throat and though I tried with the little focus I had to swallow, it was immovable. I even thought I felt the blood drain from my face. Faster, faster, faster. Everything spun, everything rocked and the whirring hum that accompanied it made my eyes roll into the back of my head.

"Bella!" I heard Edward scream and just then I lost all feeling. The darkness had finally crept in completely, holding me hostage within its clutch. I knew I wasn't breathing. It was too painful a struggle, trying to force the air in and out of my lungs. However, I knew that if I stopped forcing it, the much needed air wouldn't come and I needed air. So I pushed as hard as I could with my chest but more with my mind, instructing the passages of my nose and throat to take in air.

"Get away from her!" Edward raged. "Don't you fucking touch her."

Why couldn't I feel him? He sounded so close. Everything sounded explicitly clear to me. I heard gasps and shouting and the background din of mumbling and shuffling footsteps.

I tried to open my mouth to speak, to let him know that I was ok, that it wasn't me. It was Charlie. Someone needed to get to Charlie, because whatever this was, it was bad, more complete than I had ever felt before. Charlie was in trouble.

"I'm going to call her mother!" I heard Mr. Banner yell over the murmuring voices. "And 911."

"Bella! Bella, talk to me. Can you hear me?" Edward again. There was shuffling of feet and Edward's ragged breathing rang through my ears. I was sure he was holding me and that we were moving because the sounds changed and I heard the echo of the halls as he made his way through.

"Put her here," I heard a female cry out. "What happened?"

"I don't know," Edward lashed out. "Be careful!"

"Mr. Cullen," she bit out in a concentrated tone. "You have to let go now. I can't look at her if you don't let go."

"I'm not leaving her," he retorted.

"Then wait over there," she ordered.

A sharp pain shot through my chest. It was the first thing I felt since it all went dark. The pain was agonizing and it burnt. There was bile again, this time more determined than before and it tasted putrid.

"Char-lie," I managed to utter, though I doubt anyone heard it. I started to feel my legs and hands again, but it was still too hard to breathe. More frightening than what was happening to me, was the panic that something was actually_ happening_ to Charlie. The pain in my chest intensified and the obstacle in my throat continued to force itself against the air that moved in and out. It burnt. Everything burnt. I wanted to scream but I didn't have enough in my lungs to allow it and the strangling pressure at my throat felt like if someone was trying to lock off the passage at the middle, like a wrench squeezing a pipe shut.

"I don't know what's wrong with her. This is not working," the female voice announced. "Esther, call the ambulance."

"It's already on the way," Edward's voice was cold and harsh, but he sounded close to me again and the sound of his voice was like my anchor. It held me right in place, coherent though unresponsive. Focusing on it helped me to hold on to reality. I willed him to keep talking. His voice was the strongest, purest, most comforting thing in the darkness.

"Carlisle is coming. I sent him the distress signal already."

"Thank you Mr. Cullen. Now please, step back."

"I will not step back, you don't know what the fuck you're doing! What the hell is that you're pushing up her nose? It's not doing anything. Quit it!"

"Mr. Cullen, for the last time, back off before I call security. Your tantrum is preventing me from doing my job!"

_Keep talking Edward. Please, keep talking. It won't last. This will be over and I'll be fine. There's nothing really wrong with me. Don't let her do anything to me please._

"I'm staying right here. Call whoever the fuck you want," he growled.

"Your language is offen….Doctor Cullen! Thank _God_ you're here." The woman cried out in obvious relief. "She's right here."

"Edward," came an unfamiliar male voice. It was intelligent and in control. "What happened?"

"She fell over in the lab and started gasping for air. It was too dark, I couldn't see her face. They turned on the lights just in time for me to see her eyes roll back into her head and then she stopped breathing for a while."

"What else?"

"Before I could do mouth to mouth, she started breathing again."

_What the….?! Mouth to WHAT???! Oh ye spiteful gods; Zeus, Cupid, Ares, Prometheus or whatever your names are. We REALLY need to talk. _

"Her breathing is labored," Carlisle said. His voice was closer to me than Edward's now. And it sounded like we were moving. My body wouldn't respond to anything, not the lancing in my chest, not the strangulation at my throat, nothing. Then without warning, another sharp burning jolt shot through my chest and it made my body feel very cold. The feeling in my hands and legs came back momentarily with the sharp pain. The burning returned too and it was almost too much to bear. I felt myself losing the battle to breathe.

"She's moving!" Edward shrieked.

Great, I could move my arms now and with them, I clutched on to my chest, trying to wrestle the pain away. I gasped in an attempt to suck in a deep breath, but still, the thing in my throat prodded.

"Bella! Can you hear me?" Edward demanded.

"Edward, we have to take her now. You should stay in school."

"Dad," Edward pleaded. "Please. Let me come. I won't be able to concentrate on school if I stay here."

After a short pause, Dr. Cullen gave in.

"Ride in the front please."

Another piercing pain stabbed at my chest and I whimpered in shock.

"Ms. Swan," Dr. Cullen breathed over me. "I'm Dr. Cullen. Can you hear me?"

"Charlie," I gasped. "Charlie."

"Ms. Swan…."

"Charlie is her dad," Edward's voice came from afar. There were loud clanging and clinking noises everywhere and the blaring of a siren too. I had to be in an ambulance.

"Is it easier to breathe?" Dr. Cullen asked. I tried forcing my eyes open, but it was too soon. The light on the outside was blinding.

"Charlie," I gasped again.

I _did_ find that it was remotely easier to breathe then. However, the pain in my chest was working real hard against any progress being made. Time acted like a black hole and I don't know how long we stayed in there, but the next thing I knew, Esme's voice was everywhere.

"Oh my God! Bella!"

Suddenly there were murmuring voices, shouting voices, coughing, beeping, telephones ringing, scraping sounds, squeaking sounds and the smell was clinical and cold. Slowly, the sounds faded and quiet replaced it and soon there was nothing but complete silence within the complete darkness. The gap in my head widened then, pushing Charlie's reality further away from mine, separating us again and I knew it would soon be over. Slowly but surely, the pain in my chest melted away, the burning subsided, the feeling in all my limbs came back, I swallowed the protuberant barrier inside of my throat and was able to take a deep breath at last. Charlie's face flashed through my head in the dream I had of him running away from me and disappearing into the fog. Was I dreaming now? Was I asleep? Could this be what a coma felt like?

Finally I felt the link to Charlie disconnect and I was able to open my eyes for the first time since the biology lab. There was no telling how long it all took, but I was glad it was over. The glare of light waiting for my pupils shocked me and it took me a long while to adjust my squinting eyes to it.

"Bella," Esme wept into my hair and she draped her arms around my body. "I'm so sorry."

"Mom," I whispered, because my throat still felt sore and my voice was too raspy.

"Ssshh," she touched my face. "You don't have to speak yet. Just rest."

I shook my head from side to side in protest. I wanted to know about Charlie.

"Did you call Dad? Can you please call him?"

She blinked away her tears and gazed at me. The fight in her seemed to have been extinguished.

"I already have," she answered. She never looked more worried.

"And?"

"It's not good. I called him when I realized you were in trouble, when your school called me, to see if this had anything to do with him."

"It had everything to do with him. I felt it."

She nodded. "Bella, are you sure you don't want to talk about this when you're stronger?"

"No. I want to know now or else the worry will give me an anxiety attack."

"Ok," she gave up, running her hands up and down my arms in a soothing motion.

It took her a while to talk and I felt tears prick the inside of my eyelids. I thought that I could deal with almost anything the universe threw at me: disappointment, pain, perpetual depression and I absorbed every lesson they found the nerve to teach me; but I knew I would never be prepared to deal with losing Charlie completely.

"Someone tried to kill him," she said softly.

"What?" I gasped, trying to sit up, aghast. "Who? What? _Wha_..?"

"It was Renee."

I managed to push myself up. She said _tried._

"But he's alive," I urged her on.

"Only just," she whispered. "When I called him, of course I got no answer. Thank God I tried the moment your school called, because the next person I called was Phil. He rushed over to Charlie's place and barged in on it while it was still happening."

"Oh my God," I gasped, cupping my hands over my mouth, allowing my tears to spill over.

"Your father was too drunk, so he couldn't fight her off. Phil had to knock her out and call the ambulance. He's in the hospital right now."

I shook my head in agony. "Oh my God!" I shrieked, grabbing handfuls of hair in agonizing despair. I crouched over in an attempt to saddle my fright.

"Is he going to be ok?"

"It's seems so, but Bella," she sighed heavily. "Your father is in very bad shape. He's lost his job, he's about to lose the house because he stopped making payments months ago without me knowing about it, he's a chronic alcoholic now and what happened today was the last straw. I've admitted him to rehab."

"You've admitted him to rehab? Can you do that?"

"I don't know yet. I paid for it and Phil got the doctors at the hospital to sign the documents in my favor, contesting that his judgment is impaired and is incapable of making this decision for himself. Phil also co-signed on my behalf. The doctors will try to prove him unfit to decide for himself, which he is. It's now a matter of life or death. If he doesn't fight it, he'll go straight to rehab from the hospital."

"He'll fight it," I groaned, because I knew him better than he even knew himself.

It was too much to grasp all at once. Esme was right, I should have waited until I felt better to listen to this. But now it was too late to rewind.

"We'll see," she answered. "For the sake of his benefit and yours, I hope he doesn't."

"I know how she did it," I said, stretching myself out so that I could lie back against my pillows.

"Who?"

"Renee. She tried strangling him didn't she? The pressure at my throat. It was like someone was trying to strangle me."

With an exhausted sigh, Esme nodded. I could see the strain take its toll on her. She looked older and her body was bent with stress and worry. I knew what scared her and I had to relieve her fears.

"It wouldn't have happened to me mom," I said gently.

With that, her chest heaved and she buckled over in a fresh batch of tears. She wept uncontrollably for a few minutes as if the weight of everything was finally rolling off of her shoulders.

"How do you know?" She wailed.

"I just do." And I did. The gap was always there, reassuring me that there was a disconnect between my reality and his. And as the empathic synergy happened the gap moved against the impression of his pain to push it further and further away from my own reality. It was always there and even this time, as intense as it all was, the gap was prominent working hard against the pain to reassure me that it wasn't real and that eventually it would be over. So long as that bridge existed, my reality would never actually synchronize with his and they would remain two separate entities. So in other words, if he died, I wouldn't.

"I can't explain it, but I know that even though the pain transfers, the physical damage doesn't."

"That's probably why the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with you," she sighed tiredly. "Can you control it?"

"I don't know," I answered her. "I've never tried."

Understanding the difference between the real and the impression seemed to calm her down fractionally and she stopped crying. Suddenly, I was very aware that Edward was missing. He wasn't in the room and the last time I heard his voice was in the ambulance. I needed to see him, to thank him for staying with me through it all. It didn't occur to me at the time that it was strange for him to do that. All I wanted was for him to be near me while it was happening and somehow, his voice helped me through it, lending me a handle on my reality.

"Mom can I go home now?"

"Dr. Cullen wants to see you first. He's the chief of staff here. You were very lucky that he came himself to get you."

We had Edward to thank for that.

Five minutes later a very young and handsome looking Dr. Cullen entered. He had blond hair and strikingly beautiful features. He was almost…pretty_. Well, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree does it? _At least they were consistent.

I was probably grafted fruit, because Esme was beautiful and I was nothing like her. Again, the bond between Charlie and me prevailed. I even looked like the man.

"You gave us quite a scare Isabella," he smiled as he waltzed in. "How do you feel?"

"Please call me Bella. I'm fine thanks."

He and Esme exchanged a quick smile with each other and then he returned his gaze to me.

"Do you have any pain anywhere?"

"No."

"At all?"

"Well…my throat is slightly sore, but that's it."

He furrowed his brows and examined me with his eyes and gentle fingers.

"I just need to press gently right here," he said as he skillfully got his fingers under my arms and against my rib and stomach area. Then he probed gently at my neck.

"Open your mouth." He shone a light into my mouth and stuck a pallet against my tongue. He then listened to my heart and checked my blood pressure.

"You're perfect," he was visibly confused. "If you feel any discomfort at home, please call me. Here is my personal number." He held out his card to Esme and she took it.

Gosh he was friendly. Did all small town surgeons and heads of staff give out their personal numbers to patients?

"You're a friend of Edward's and he's very concerned about you. Please call me at home if you need to."

Oh, so it was special treatment because I was his son's…friend.

"Thank you so much doctor," Esme stood up to address him.

"Please, call me Carlisle," he smiled down at her warmly. "Anything I can do to help."

I looked at their exchange, and thought there was something warm about it, I paid no attention because all I could think about was Edward. I wanted to see him. Carlisle said he was concerned about me.

"You can go home Bella." Carlisle said, before exiting the room and Esme followed him out.

"I have to sign some papers," she said to me as she left. "I'll be back."

In the silence of the room, I had a few minutes alone to think about everything that happened in detail. It would have been easier for Edward to just leave me on the floor in the lab and wait for the nurse to get to me herself. But he took me to the nurse's office, called the ambulance, called his father, screamed at the nurse and refused to go back into school when I was being taken in the ambulance.

_What a great_ _friend._

I let my head fall back against the pillows in exasperation and squeezed my eyes shut. Everything seemed awfully wrong. Charlie was in the hospital recovering from attempted murder, he was about to be shipped off to rehab, he lost his job, I'd become a huge spectacle in school and my feelings for Edward were now officially out of control. Oh and let's not forget the _almost_ kiss I would have gotten if I hadn't conveniently started breathing again.

Great timing.

I was pathetic. If the only way I was going to get Edward's lips to mine was to stop breathing, then I didn't have a prayer.

"You're awake," his voice filtered through my thoughts. I shot up in the bed and gaped at with wide eyes, regretting my hasty reaction immediately afterward, but too elated to see him that I easily forgave myself.

"Hi," I smiled.

He came over to my side and sat on the edge of the bed, and shoved his hip against my leg. Our bodies were facing opposite directions but our faces were in perfect line with each other.

"Are you ok?"

I nodded sheepishly as I drank him in. That's when I noticed another change in me. I was very aware of Edward's physicality all of a sudden. I noticed every touch, accidental or not. Whenever contact was made, I made a mental note of it and filed it away for daydreaming. Something inside of me almost yearned for him to touch me as if the stupid little accidental contact was not enough. Like how our shoulders were crammed together as he sat next to me on the hospital bed. I remembered the way he touched my hair in the lab before my incident with Charlie and I wanted him to do it again. His touch stirred an alien, physical reaction in me that I'd never known before. And I wondered if he hugged me if his smell would rub off and me. Maybe that way, I could take some of it home with me.

_Oh for the _love_ of God!!_

He smiled lazily at me, the way he did when we were alone and my heart stuttered.

"I'm ok," I answered him, letting my body fall back against the pillows again. Maybe putting some distance between us would help suppress my pathetic nature. He turned his face and stared sullenly into his upturned palms and it was obvious that something was bothering him.

Right about then, many things were upsetting me too, namely, this unrequited crush that I had to live with. Being so near to him I feared would never benefit me – now or ever. My intuition told me that it was time to distance myself from him before I did something to hurt myself, like fool myself with hope only to be shattered by the truth later on. I needed to get over him and I'd never be able to do it if we hung out together all the time; and I suddenly found myself faced with a dichotomy.

"Hey Bella?" He spoke, lifting his eyes to mine cautiously. "I'm sorry about today."

What was he talking about this time? I frowned up at him.

"What on earth do you have to be sorry for?"

"I was hasty and harsh in bio. I should have been a lot gentler with you. It's just that sometimes I don't know how to be …you know…. I'd hate to think that..."

"Whoa whoa whoa," I interrupted him, pushing my body up next to his again. "Stop before you even start."

I gave him the best smile I had in me.

"Nothing we talked about had anything to do with what happened to me. It's important that you understand that."

He angled his body inward, toward me and bent his head slightly. His face was so sullen.

"Are you sure?"

"Edward," I almost teased him, but instead, I giggled. If he only how far from the truth he was. His gaze held mine intently and though the sides of our bodies were perfectly squashed together, he made no attempt to move. "I promise you. I'm not _that_ fragile."

He smiled and he looked a little relieved to hear it.

"What happened today?" He asked. "I'm sort of confused."

"You and everybody else I'm sure," I mused, raising my eyebrows at him.

"Want to talk about it?" He probed very carefully.

I took a deep breath and bent over to lower my head between my knees. This was going to be a big one. No one but my immediate family knew about Charlie and me, and they knew about it because they _had_ to. As much as I thought of my connection to Charlie as special, I was afraid that other people would think I was a freak of nature or unhealthy. And that's not what I needed Edward to think about me.

"I understand if you don't want to…."

"It's not that I don't _want_ to," I cut in, raising my head again. "I'm...afraid to."

A proper second hadn't passed after I said that, and his hand was in my hair again. It was all I could do to prevent myself from throwing myself against him in the most shameful way. He did that thing with my hair again, like in bio. When I raised my head from between my knees, my hair had fallen into my eyes, concealing my profile from him. He took his fingers and dragged them across my cheek gently, taking the strands with them to the back of my ear. And as if he wanted to punish me for every wrong thing I'd ever done, he didn't let go right away. He let his fingers run down the entire length of my hair, down my arms to my waist. Then he let his hand drop into his lap, very careful not to touch anywhere else but my hair.

"What are you afraid of?" he asked. "I'm just concerned about you. You scared the shit out of me today."

My breathing quickened and I had to link my fingers together in order to distract myself from betraying my feelings for him. I could have sworn there was intimacy in his touch. I tried to distract myself by filling my head with loud, erratic thoughts.

_Get a hobby, _I screamed inwardly at myself_. There's way too much pent up _everything_ inside of you. Get a freaking grip._

When the end of the bed sheet did nothing to sufficiently occupy my frantic fingers, I began to interlock then undo them over and over again as I tried to find the right words to put him off safely. But he was apparently in cahoots with the gods above because he did the most unforgivably adorable thing then and rested his chin on my shoulder.

"You're fidgeting," I heard the smile in his voice. He needed to stop this. It wasn't fair to me. My erratic heartbeat threatened to shatter my heart into a million excruciating pieces.

"Edward," I whispered in a quivering voice. I was going to stop it. I had to. For the sake of my sanity and any friendship we still had a shot at; I needed to let him know how uncomfortable his closeness made me.

The door opened then and we both jerked in surprise. Edward flung his entire body around to face the intruder and stood up. It was Esme. She stopped short when she spotted Edward, but she didn't seem perturbed and she smiled warmly.

"You're Edward aren't you?" She asked.

He shoved his hands into his pockets and nodded awkwardly.

"Yeah," he bounced slightly on his heels.

"Thank you," she walked up to him and touched him on his arm. "What you did for Bella today was incredible. We really appreciate it. Thank you."

"It's nothing," he shrugged self consciously. "Just glad she's ok." Then he glanced at me over his shoulder and headed toward the door. "I'll see you later."

I nodded robotically, biting down on my lower lip vigorously still terribly overwhelmed by the aura he left hung over me. My eyes followed him and lingered on the door for a while even after he'd left. He was so goddamned easy to misinterpret.

"We can go now," Esme smiled. "Are you ready? Alice is waiting outside."

I was actually looking forward to going home to rest after all that, because even though I hadn't suffered any injury, I sure as hell felt mentally and emotionally drained.


	14. Chapter 14 I just want your company

**Chapter 14 **

**I just want your company (EPOV)**

_"Her hair is the blanket that covers her soul_

_Her eyes hold the depths of a century's untold _

_Her pout is unjust like the hook in her sway_

_I'm riddled with lust, much to my dismay_

_And I wonder if it matters, that I'm fucked in the head_

_That my heart is so ugly, so heavy, it's like lead_

_I'm the worst kind of cruel 'cause I won't let her see_

_That she is changing something inside of me_

_I wonder if it matters that I know how she feels_

_I could touch her so deeply, her insides would keel_

_Her lips, always parted, like they want to be touched_

_They don't even realize they want it so much_

_Though she's undeserved and will never be mine_

_To drink in her soul would be more than divine_

_I wonder if she knew that I felt this way_

_Would she loathe my audacity?_

_Or want me to stay?"_

_ - Edward_

**Edward**

I felt harassed ever since I left her in the hospital. There was no way I saw this coming. How the fuck did I miss it? Where the fuck was my head and how the _f.u.c.k._ was I going to reverse it?

I put the last few lyrics on the page and scratched my scalp with the pen. It wasn't supposed to be so goddamned fluffy either, like I'd just swallowed a bloody estrogen pill. That kind of corny shit would never go down with James.

The knock on my door barged into my reclusive vibe and pulled me out.

"Not now!" I growled, crushing the page of lyrics in my palm so that I could haul it at the door.

"Stop being a jack ass," Emmett called. "You left your shit in school today. I brought it home and I'm leaving it out here."

That _shit _would be my books. Sure enough I opened the door to find my satchel on the floor with a loose page on the top. On reading it, I saw that it was a biology assignment. Leaving class in an emergency didn't exempt you from irritating homework assignments it seemed, because Banner just couldn't wait until the next day to give it to me. He sent it to my house.

Group project? _To be completed with your lab partner._

Interesting.

I pulled my bag into my room and closed the door. I re-read those instructions over and over. Pensively, I paced the length of the carpet, thinking about how this opened a whole new set of possibilities. Banner didn't even realize the bone he'd just thrown me. Now I had an excellent reason to go over to her house and though I realized it might be a premature gesture, seeing that she was just out of the hospital; what kind of lab partner would I be if I didn't take her assignment to her? Right…

_What a fucking joke, carrying homework to Bella Swan's house._

It was two hours since I left the hospital and I couldn't wait to see her again. Writing that shit ass song /poem didn't help. It only made it worse. All it was, was a confirmation of what I tried to deny, the fact that I was falling for Bella Swan much faster than I should be. And I didn't think I should have been falling for her at all. I folded the page in half and pressed one of the pointed edges into my bottom lip, pacing up and down, trying to talk my self out of what I wanted to do. The assignment was due in a week. Really and truly, it wasn't as urgent as I tried to make it out to be. There was no reason to go rushing over there like a fucking girl scout with homework…..of all the odd things. But by that point, the idea of going over to her house at all was sufficiently etched into my psyche that suddenly it was all I could think about.

With what excuse could I get myself into Bella Swan's house without appearing to be a dysfunctional and pathetic douche bag? Perhaps homework was the wrong angle. There _had_ to be a better, more plausible excuse to show up on her doorstep….not ignoring the fact that I was able to mentally acknowledge my use of the word '_excuse._'

Sooooo, candy? Ugh, Bella didn't seem like the candy type. And frankly, neither was I. That would have _fraud_ sprinkled all over it.

Flowers? Fuck no, too suggestive. Not that it was an entirely repulsive idea…but what the hell would she think?

Chicken soup? Uh huh, yah, like _I_ of all people, could make _that_ happen. I didn't know the first thing about cooking chicken soup, sourcing chicken soup, buying chicken soup…anything chicken soup. Strike that.

Sooo, homework? And we were back to that. Square fucking one. How predictable. My lack of originality was daunting. I was a fucking Theatre Arts student - you'd think I'd be a hell of a lot more creative than that.

I pulled on my jacket and shoved the folded piece of paper into the pocket. Whatever happened, I had to see her. I was sure that we'd had an _almost_ moment before we were interrupted in the hospital and I really needed to know what that was about, or even if it actually happened because it was quite possible that things were so warped in my head that I got it all wrong. And it wouldn't be the first time. I had quite the track record for getting shit wrong.

"Where are you going?" Carlisle intercepted me in the hallway on the second floor, just outside the library.

"Um….." I wasn't sure how to answer him. "Homework." I pulled the piece of paper out my jacket and waved it in front of his face. "I'm taking it to Bella."

"Bella?" He frowned. "You're gong over to Bella's place?"

I shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah. Why?"

He shook his head distractedly. "No reason. You two are…good friends?"

"You could say that," I nodded, shrugging again. Why the first degree about Bella? He was trying to decipher something in his head and I could see it in his eyes. He analyzed shit way too much. He analyzed shit for a living.

"Ok son," he said finally and patted my shoulder. "Send her my regards. I hope she's better and….uh…Edward?"

"Yah."

"Don't be too late."

_What the…._ I raised a curious eyebrow at him. I was always out late, most times at the warehouse with my guitar, or driving around somewhere, or playing in Port Angeles with James. Why the sudden concern about my hours?

"Sure," I answered, trudging down the stairs. And to prove my point about him overanalyzing shit, he just _had_ to add more.

"It's just that, it's a house of women and it may be inappropriate to over stay your welcome," he called down after me.

Of all the lousy reasons.

"Ok," I raised a hand to wave him off.

I lived on the brink of Forks, almost into the forest but not quite. Carlisle liked it there because of all the open space and the privacy. It was also very quiet, which I really liked; and the raw untamed nature of the pine tree estate where the house was built by Carlisle's forefathers created the perfect sanctuary for someone who was a borderline recluse. My brother and I did all sorts of shit in those woods when we were little. Some stuff I couldn't even remember without getting furiously angered by the intrusive lump in my throat. But ever since his death and my mother's, I stayed away from the woods and since the new additions of Emmett and as a result, Rosalie, the house never seemed to be as quiet as before. Even in the vast space where it was easy to avoid people for as long as forever, something had since settled in the air and the difference, to me at least, was noticeable.

Not that I minded Emmett. Emmett was unobtrusive for the most part, not counting his grizzly bear appeal of course. He was loyal and protective of his loved ones and extremely respectful of the past Carlisle and I shared with our deceased. Even though he would never be my other half and the twin soul that I lost, in more ways than one Emmett brought something refreshing to Carlisle and me that could never be replaced. Off the bat, he understood me and why I felt the need to be an insufferable jack ass at times; and he never appeared to be insecure about his place with Carlisle and me. He accepted it like one accepts that the sun should rise and set everyday and from what I could see, as far as Carlisle was concerned, Emmett was his son. At first I resented the idea of Emmett and not because I was jealous, but because I thought he was Carlisle's cop out. I believed that Carlisle needed something to fill the silence between him and me, after what had happened, and that he did it by putting Emmett in the middle, as a way of taking the focus off of the emptiness that we had to deal with. A week turned into two and then two years turned into four and before long, Emmett was undoable. And even I had to admit that he just…fit.

As I drove through the streets of Forks toward the new source of my confliction, I replayed the last few days in my head. She grew on me faster than rust on wet metal. One day I thought she was odd and ordinary and the next, I swore to myself that I'd never known a lovelier creature. To reduce her to a mere physical monument of beauty would be unjust. The girl was intriguing from the inside out. She twisted me up in impossible angles with a brain so teasingly locked off that breaking through it could easily become a new obsession of mine.

_With shuttered eyes and translucent skin, with enveloping hair and a voice as tempting as sin_…. I was fucking rhyming again. I squeezed the steering wheel and increased my pace, every second and new corner taking me closer to her.

Her voice was possibly the most mystifying thing about her. From the look of her alone, you would think her voice was small and thin…..girlie. But Bella's voice was raspy and edgy and it took me a second or two after I'd heard it the first time to adjust to it. It was the perfect example of a bedroom voice. The way a girl sounded in the late hours of the night when the temperature dropped and sleep encroached, curled up next to you about to fall asleep. That was Bella all day long.

Fuck, she was sexy and even sexier was the fact that she was positively clueless about it.

I knew it started happening the first time we spent time together at the warehouse lot. I knew it the moment I let her eyes bore into mine and the moment I decided I liked the sound of her. She wasn't anything like the other girls our age. She was quiet and elusive. You had to work to earn her trust, or to get her talk about herself…to get her to talk at all. Not like the other empty barrels in school who left almost nothing to the imagination with their constant chatter and repeated advances echoing in their own hollowness. I liked the quiet in Bella. I felt….a version of peace, so to speak, when I was with her. And for a while I tried to convince myself that it wasn't actually her I was after, but the peace that I could get _from_ her.

Monday night was the actual turning point. I went to the Oak to play my guitar, like I did sometimes. I had a gig coming up in Port Angeles and I wanted to tune the guitar and strum a few songs. I was alone for a while when all of a sudden the little heart shaped face stood beneath me, peering up in the most curious, angelic way. At first I almost fell out of the tree in astonishment, because I thought that I was alone, but then the face registered and I almost fell out for a different reason. It was Bella.

She would have been glowing if it wasn't for the blood shot look in her eyes. Those eyes that always looked so sad and heavy with the weight of a thousand worlds. When she realized that she was discovered she tried to leave, but I didn't let her. God only knew she had been on my mind all evening, even as I sat up there in the tree playing. It was almost as if she materialized from right out of my head. She was shocked too when she realized it was me up there. I saw it in her face and I heard it in her voice. Probably thought I had dick for brains until she heard my music. I _did_ have dick for brains, but at least this dick had a voice.

She talked about her father and I got all twisted up inside at the fact that I actually got her to talk to me like that. It was the first time we _really_ talked, about important shit and not about the fucked up mess with Tanya. But then too soon, she had to leave, always too soon, like a flittering sip of some forbidden drink I would never be able to lap my tongue against.

The ride home was bizarre. She pulled some weird ass stunt and started speeding, as if she could out run me. Then she almost went head on into a mini van at the corner, making me freak right out from behind. Before it even happened, I blared my horn at her to get her to slow the fuck down. Some good that did, because she never stopped until the very last minute. I didn't understand the game. It didn't seem like her, but what exactly did I know about Bella Swan anyway. The protective surge I felt for her flared into force and I yelled at her like she was my third grade student.

The morning after was worse. Jazz told me what had happened between her and Victoria the afternoon before and my blood rushed right under my skin in uncontrollable fury. The more I resented Tanya and Victoria, the more they gave me reasons to, but I had made up my mind that I would not let them fuck with Bella – and I wouldn't. I'd do whatever I had to in order to protect her from their fangs, but goddamn it, Bella needed to cooperate with me. Not telling me about Victoria's advance even after we'd made a deal that she would, pissed me off. It was probably my anger with Victoria more than anything else that got to me so badly, and I took it out on Bella. Carlisle always thought I needed anger management therapy and maybe he was right.

Bio was the perfect opportunity to confront Bella about it. I would deal with Tanya and Victoria when I saw them later on in the day. Of course, I felt like the jack ass I truly am, when after I spat fire at her, she started wheezing and gagging like someone was choking her. It was dark because we were looking at some documentary Mr. Banner put on, so I could barely see her face, but the little saw wasn't good. Before long she had collapsed onto the floor and when the lights went on, everybody started hovering over her like pesky flies. Then that ball sack Mike Newton touched her and I very nearly sunk my teeth into his hands. Before anyone else could put their seedy hands on her, I picked her up and rushed her to the school nurse. As soon as I laid her down I sent Carlisle our agreed on distress signal from my cell in case of any emergency – something like an SOS text which I amended with an urgent plea for his hasty action. I was freaking out so much when I realized the fucking nurse didn't have a clue about how to treat her.

Bella looked so pale she was almost blue and even with the little bit I knew, I could tell she wasn't breathing properly. Her body was limp and the stupid nurse started panicking because she couldn't revive her. The more she fumbled with Bella the angrier I got and thoughts of losing her flashed through my head out of no-fucking-where. I'd already lost two of the most significant people in my life and only then, in that moment did I realize how important this girl was to me too. Though it was sudden and the insolence of it shocked me, the thought of losing her scared me. I had no right to think that way, because I never had her to begin with.

In the hospital afterward, when Carlisle told me that she had regained consciousness I almost collapsed from the weight of the relief. He assessed my reaction curiously and I knew he thought it was out of character, but being the appropriate kind of guy that he was, he didn't ask. He'd leave it for a more apt time and place I was sure. The moment I saw her mother with Carlisle in reception, I ducked past them and went in to see her, because I just had to see it with my own eyes. And she was there, so small and slight looking, but with a deep pain in her eyes that spoke of a maturity beyond her years.

"You're awake," I said to her. I almost ran to the bed and scooped her up in my arms so that nothing bad would ever happen to her again.

"Hi," she croaked with a small smile.

"Are you ok?"

Being next to her on the bed was difficult because our bodies touched, but I'd be damned if I'd let that insecurity of mine rob me of the best spent minutes of my day.

Christ, how I wanted to hold her.

"I'm ok," she replied, peering at me through the thick veil of dark hair. I remembered touching her hair earlier on in bio, hating the way she hid herself behind it, hating that she was hiding from _me._ The lab was dark and she had put her head down on her folded arms to get away from my spitting tongue. I had tried to fight the urge to touch her, honestly, I did. But my fingers twitched and budged of their own volition, not to mention the issue of my ego to deal with and before I could stop myself, I dared to touch her hair and pull it behind her ear. It was the simplest gesture, but it was heavily loaded with all the other things I really wanted to do to her. Her hair was soft, like I expected and I savored it a little longer by stroking the entire length of it. She reacted to me too. I knew that if the lights were on, I would see that her cheeks were pink, because she quivered ever so slightly.

Remembering that brought back the memory of the way I came at her with all that bullshit about Victoria, making me feel so low that even the asshole in me was looking at me and clicking its tongue.

_Tsk tsk tsk_.

I tried to apologize for it, but she saw where I was going and she stopped me - something about it having absolutely nothing to do with me. Either she was being really fucking big about it, or she was telling the truth. There was a lot more to Bella than met the eye and I couldn't shake the feeling that there was a ton load of shit I knew nothing about. From the way she lost herself in depressive thoughts, to her withdrawn nature, her regularly blood shut eyes, her eccentric disposition and fidgeting. There were things that caused all that and after the little she had told me about her father, I knew there was a volcano just waiting to erupt from inside of her.

"What happened today? I'm sort of confused." Because she looked pretty damned ok for someone who looked like she was dying just a short while earlier.

"You and everybody else I'm sure," she joked.

"You want to talk about it?" I wanted to gain her trust, but I had to be careful with her.

She bent over and put her head between her knees then and I sensed then that whatever it was she was holding back, it was big.

"I understand if you don't want to…."

"It's not that I don't _want_ to. I'm ….afraid to."

Her hair was in her face again and what egged me on was the fact that she didn't try to move it. She wanted it there. Girls weren't like that. Girls were always touching their hair and flicking it out of their eyes and tossing it suggestively over their shoulders, even the ones with short hair. Constant touching, at least from what I see. And Bella's hair wasn't just in her face…it was _all over_ her face, in her eyes, on her forehead, over her lips, just covering…everything. That did it. I wouldn't have her hiding from me anymore. I did it once and I would do it again and every time that blanket came between us. I put my fingers into her hair and pulled it behind her ear again and good heavens, I swore she liked that. Her entire body responded, albeit in the most subtle manner but I could see it then in her face too. She tried real hard to control it, but I knew when a girl liked something I did and Bella definitely liked me touching her hair.

"What are you afraid of?" I probed. "I'm only concerned about you. You scared the shit out of me today." And that was the honest truth.

What also sold her out to me was the way she started playing with her fingers as if it was the most important task in the world right then. I grew to like her fidgeting because it was a part of her that I knew how to read. I pushed the envelope when I saw that. If I had guessed right and she liked my fingers in her hair, then she might like it if I touched her again, subtly of course. So I rested my chin on her shoulder and looked over into her lap where her fingers were working vigorously against each other. She was so goddamned cute.

"You're fidgeting," I whispered into her ear.

Again, she reacted. I felt the bone in her shoulder freeze under my chin and her entire body went rigid with tension.

I really hoped then that her reaction was out of pleasure and not because she was repulsed by my close proximity to her. God only knew that I didn't deserve anything this pure and gentle. Everything about Bella and her innocence screamed _STOP_! I was much too harsh for her. I would break her and that perhaps, would break me too. I was falling fast for Bella Swan and I hated it. It was too soon for me and the unfamiliar territory I had found myself in was nothing short of daunting. Girls were supposed to be the enemy.

"Edward," she croaked, and the raspin her voice undid me completely. That was the last thing she should have done then. Uttering my name in that tone, like _that._ I was two seconds away from burying my face into her neck and kissing the skin there, when the door opened and her mother walked in. She might as well have pulled the bed out from underneath me, because I almost fell to the floor in embarrassing surprise.

I pulled up in front of her house and parked. It took me a long while to get out of the car. The house was quiet and I saw the Porsche and a second car in the driveway. They seemed to be all home. This was a bold move on my part, showing up at her house after everything that happened that day was probably risky. I didn't want to give her the wrong impression….or the right one. And as much as I felt a certain way about Bella, I couldn't afford to get obvious or careless with it. There was no way I would allow myself to act on my feelings. What almost happened in the hospital was hasty and in hind sight, I was somewhat relieved that her mother walked in when she did. The speculation and drama it would cause at school was enough to keep me from doing anything stupid again. I pulled the assignment from my pocket and got out of the car, feeling really stupid to be doing what I was about to and I worried that it was transparent. Before I even reached the doorstep, the door opened and Alice stood in the frame with suspicious eyes and her hands on her hips.

"Alice," I said as politely as I could. She didn't answer right away. Her eyes locked into mine intently for a few seconds longer and then she stepped out and pulled the door shut behind her.

I took a hesitant step back to put some more space between us.

"I don't want to be rude to you Edward," she started, cutting right to the chase. "But I don't have the highest opinion of you when it comes to the way you treat girls."

I raised perplexed eyebrows and shoved the assignment back into my pocket. Maybe I was exactly as transparent as I tried not to be. Why else would Alice give me the third degree about girls, when I was obviously there to see her sister?

An appropriate response eluded me, but she wasted no time.

"I can see that since today, you and Bella may have some kind of…_friendship_ going and I have to let you know that I'm not sure I like it. She is..she's…. Edward, she is not like other girls." There was an astonishing amount of protective emotion in her eyes and voice and it almost made me turn on my heels and walk away. What the hell did I think I was doing, going up there to see Bella? But for some reason, I stood my ground.

"She's not. I know," I answered.

"And that's why you can't pursue anything with her. I see the way she looks at you."

_How did Bella look at me? _

"I'm here as a friend Alice."

"I'm not stupid Edward,' her eyes went cold again.

"I didn't think you were."

"Rosalie is still very hurt about you."

That was the wrong thing to say to me. The name alone scorched my gut. Rosalie liked nothing better than to blacken my name whenever she had the chance and it looked like she spared no mercy in getting to Alice too.

"Hurt?" I retorted. "With all due respect Alice, you've known both Rosalie and me for all of nine days so far. I strongly suggest you use caution when making judgments about a situation you have very limited knowledge about."

She opened her mouth to rebut but nothing came out.

"There are always two sides to a story," I continued. "And I assure you, Rosalie is anything but _hurt_. Her ego was slashed, but her heart stayed in tact – along with the rest of her calcified interior."

Her eyes looked unsteady, but they never stopped challenging mine.

"Just be careful with Bella Edward," she clipped. "I really want to like you because you're Jasper's best friend, but I won't let you fuck with my sister."

I raised my eyebrows again in shocked reaction to her potty mouth. Alice didn't seem like the type to cuss, but I guess hanging out with Rosalie had its advantages.

"Come in," she said and turned to open the door.

Inside was quiet. The house was neat and pretty and definitely inhabited by women. There wasn't a male accent anywhere in the place. I stood awkwardly in the foyer waiting to be directed somewhere.

"I'll go get her," Alice said. "You can wait in there." She pointed to what looked like a sitting room.

Five minutes later Bella was there, looking slightly bemused but pleasant. It was so good to see her face in the real, instead of conjuring up all sorts of ethereal distortions in my head. Something lurched inside of my chest when I saw her, but then soon after I felt my body completely relax. Just like I liked it. I stood up when she walked in and she came over to me.

"Hey," she smiled, but her eyes darted away from mine.

"Hi," I answered, feeling very tall all of a sudden. I towered over her.

"Sit please," she said and flopped down on the couch where I was sitting before. I did as she asked.

"You look much better," I said. "My dad sends his regards."

She nodded and pulled her knees up against her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "He's really great. I'll have to thank him properly."

As calm as I felt around her then, I couldn't find the right words to explain why I was there, so I just produced the page from my pocket and gave it to her. She frowned at it briefly before taking it.

"Oh, I have this already," she said as her eyes ran over the page, then she looked at me thoughtfully and smiled.

"Thanks but Alice brought me a copy with my stuff. I left everything at school."

"Me too," I nodded. "Emmett brought mine."

This was nonsensical chatter about absolutely nothing. I wanted to get to the real stuff like what happened to her that day and why did it look like it never happened in the first place. She'd stopped breathing for crying out loud. I saw it with my own eyes. How could Carlisle find nothing wrong with her when something very clearly was? And I just knew that_ she_ knew exactly what happened to her because she said she was afraid to talk about it. Her eyes dashed away from mine again and I realized she was uncomfortable.

"I guess we need to work at it together," she said, flopping the page around.

"Yes. When can we start?"

She chuckled lowly. "You're quite diligent aren't you?"

"With the things that matter."

She looked away again, over her shoulder to the archway leading to the foyer.

"Do you want to go someplace else?" I asked her. And without hesitation, she nodded.

"I'll only be a minute," then she disappeared from the room. One minute later she reappeared with her mother right behind her.

"You remember Esme," Bella said.

"Yes, hello," I got to my feet.

Esme smiled at me widely. "Edward. It's nice to see you. Bella says you guys have an assignment to work on?"

I flashed my eyes to Bella's. "Yes we do," I answered. "Bio project."

"Lots of research," Bella continued, nodding emphatically.

"I don't see why you kids can't get to it here," her mother continued.

"Well, I ….., actually I have a huge library at my house. It has everything in there, which would help with research. Plus it's quiet…"

"Bella," Esme said to her daughter. "The wireless will be installed this week, so you'll be more comfortable working at home when it's in."

"Ok," Bella was eager to leave, budging all over the spot she stood in. I smiled to myself.

"Don't be too late please," Esme said.

"I won't. I have my cell. Bye."

"My dad will be home," I offered, as a means of comforting the woman. She was trying to be nice about it, but I could tell she was undecided about me.

"Please tell Carlisle I said hello," she smiled and walked away.

It was a relief to step outside into the cool, crisp air after that. I never had that kind of nerve wracking encounter with a girl's parent before and this wasn't even a date.

"What was that all about?" I asked Bella as we made our way to my car.

"I just needed to get out of there," she replied. "And homework was the perfect bail out. You are a life saver."

I opened the door for her then walked around to my side. Once we drove off I saw her relax, closing her eyes and resting her head back against the head rest.

"Are we really going to my house?" I asked, because I wasn't sure what her plans were.

"Well yeah. We really _could_ start on that assignment if you want to and you mentioned your dad would be there, and I don't want to have to explain to Esme why I wasn't in your library when I said I would be. Knowing my luck, they'd bump into each other and start chatting about us just because I'd be hoping they didn't."

It made sense and how unexpected it all was. When I left my house earlier that afternoon I wouldn't have believed it if someone told me that I'd be bringing Bella back home with me. An afternoon cooped up in the library with Bella alone might be more challenging than interesting. God help me. I needed to dig really deep inside to find the strength to fight what I knew would be a force to contend with. My attraction to Bella was official and I was officially, _royally_ fucked.


	15. Chapter 15 Conflicted hearts hurt alike

Hold on to your tempers ladies…this chapter might rock you slightly. But don't worry, nothing is ever in vain. The story is called Conflicted for a reason so we have to explore the ways in which they deal with their confliction, even if it is unhealthy. They are both young and even though they may be mature beyond their years due to the suffering they have experienced, they both have a lot of growing up to do still, particularly Bella. Enjoy . Lots more to come. I'm editing more of my chapters as you read this. It takes just as long to edit a chapter as it takes to write it because I'm very critical of myself. Bear with me please. And thanks so much for reading.

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**Chapter 15**

**Conflicted hearts hurt alike**

Something changed in Bella. She was different since the hospital. Her eyes were usually distant and melancholy, but now they were unsettled and clouded. The calm she usually exuded was displaced by some kind of suppressed anxiety tinged with traces of nervousness.

"Whoa, Edward, this is breath taking," she gasped as we drove up the path to the house through the trees.

"Carlisle has a thing for nature and I guess, so do I."

"Hmm. It's beautiful here."

She was even more impressed when she got inside. I enjoyed seeing the way her eyes lit up when she walked in. That look in them was so alien I felt starved for more. She had fine taste in art. Her eyes were drawn to the original painting hanging in the foyer. It was one of my favorites, _Starry Night over the Rhone_.

"You like Van Gogh?" I asked her.

"Um...wow, Van Gogh. Apparently I do," she squinted and took a few steps closer to it. "Sorry, I don't know much about art. I know more about books."

"Well this one is the original," I answered, closing the gap between us.

"_How _do you guys own a Van Gogh original?" She gawked up at me. "I mean, I may not be able to identify his paintings just by looking, but I know enough about artists like him to know that his originals must be owned by only elite museums all over the world."

"They are," I nodded, taking in the painting myself. "But Carlisle is very well connected. My mother…she was an art dealer and this was a gift from him to her. He bought it from the Musée d'Orsay in Paris." I felt the familiar glitch in my demeanor when I mentioned my mother, but it would have been unfair to edit the way I usually did to avoid talking about her especially in light of the fact that Bella had just recently shared a part of her with me when she talked about her father. There was also the fact that I hated when she hid from me, so maybe I was becoming partially acquainted with the idea of allowing a crack in my own armor.

"But…how?" She asked.

"Like I said. He is very well connected and insanely respected by important people. Someone wanted to repay him for something."

"My God! What did he do?! Save someone's life or something?" Her amazement was intriguing and I enjoyed her excitement. It was much better than the anxiety she respired since I picked her up.

"Actually….yes," I almost laughed out loud when I saw her jaw drop. Bella's reactions were always so sincere and innocent. She tried to hide, but when she let her guard down, the honesty there was so beautiful that I couldn't help but be in awe of her. And then she blushed after realizing she had put her foot in her mouth and I swore I'd never seen anything as adorable.

"Oh," was all she said and I had to laugh then.

I couldn't wait to take her to the library. Something told me that she was the kind of girl that appreciated good books and good literature. And just like Bella, she didn't disappoint.

"My God!" She gaped in awe. "How many are there? It's _huge_ in here."

"More than 2000, I think," I responded, pleased with her reaction. "You can find a book on almost anything you can think of. What's your fancy?"

She walked away from me toward the ceiling high shelves and ran her finger tips across some of the spines. "Um….I like fantasy. Autobiographies are great. The Classics for sure…..a little romance."

"Whenever you want to, you're welcome to come over and rummage through." Because I needed her to have a reason to _want_ to be around, even if it had nothing to do with _me_.

"I could live in here," she sighed, craning her neck to look up at the ceiling high shelves and colorful assortments. Then she spun to face me. "Do you come in here often?"

I pulled out a chair at one of the desks and took a seat, rubbing the back of my head. "I uh, I used to. Now I just come in when I need to. My dad is in here sometimes."

"Is it his office?"

"No. He has a study lower down the hall. But....," again, it wasn't my favorite topic of conversation, but being around Bella this much and connecting the way we were meant that some truth would have to be revealed sooner or later. Besides, it didn't make sense wanting to get inside of her head if I didn't open myself to her as well…she'd never trust me if I couldn't trust her.

"This was one of my mother's favorite rooms in the house. She spent a lot of her time in here. For the most part Carlisle just comes in, gets what he wants and leaves. I don't think it's easy for him to linger around any thing or place she frequented." I tried to focus on the desk in front of me, too self aware to look into her eyes, but she held my gaze intently and it was hard for me to avoid her stare. She strolled over to the table and sat in the chair opposite me, tender in her smile. The anxiety in her eyes seemed to have dissipated minutely.

"What was her name?"

"Elizabeth." I hadn't said her name in a very long time and I had to take a deep breath to steady myself when I heard myself say it. Even after all this time, the grief was still fresh, ever tight, ever present, wrapping its tentacles around my will to move on.

"So should we take a shot at this?" I asked her, reverting my attention to the things I had just placed on the desk. She straightened her back briskly and looked slightly alarmed, though I couldn't see why; and I noticed for the first time that she pushed a few locks of hair away from her eyes with her index. Progress? Not sure.

"At what?" She frowned.

"Our assignment."

"Ok," she replied, swinging her back pack off her shoulder and onto the desk hastily. I thought I saw a flash of disappointment in her eyes. Heck there was a load of other better shit I'd have liked to do instead as well, though none of them, I bet, would flatter her in the least. She started busying herself with her books so I did the same, realizing with regret that her distracted and anxious vibe had returned with the mention of homework.

The first half hour was torturous. We had pulled texts from the library and compared them with our own texts from school, but it was blatantly obvious that neither of us could concentrate. Well at least_I_ couldn't. We split up the assignment in two parts and left each other to research our respective parts independently. Three times I excused myself to go to the toilet, just so that I could regroup my senses, take a deep breath, stare at myself dumbly in the mirror, splash water on my face and then I was able to take another shot at it. Bella was silent. Her little head was bent over the books reading and sometimes jotting things down on paper. A couple of times she sighed or let out a soft _hmm._ Of course, her hair cascaded over her shoulders and into her eyes like it always did, and the ends bent into soft swirls as they fell on the pages she flipped through. I was supposed to be engaged in my own work, not staring at her like a love struck pup. It was all very distracting and when I managed to force myself not to stare, I ended up stealing glances at her anyway. I flipped my pen like thirty times over my fingers, stuck it behind my ear, chewed on it, dropped it, picked it up….what the fuck man…was _I_ fidgeting now?

One time we got eye contact and she smiled, but then she looked away quickly and bent her head lower. She fidgeted at times, but I think I owned it that day with all my stupid budging. The entire time we sat there, I read the same paragraph over and over and not a single line stuck or made even the slightest inkling of sense to me. I wanted to ask her about the incident she had in school and why she felt like she couldn't talk about it. I wanted to get inside her head, feeling the most overwhelming need to understand her enigmatic disposition. And as if she felt my eyes boring into her face, she looked up at me again and raised an eyebrow.

"Having trouble?" She asked, bobbing her shoulders slightly. Her eyes were so fucking captivating and I swore to myself that if she kept looking at me like that, I would soon dive over the fucking table and steal a kiss from her without permission. She had no idea the kind of trouble she was getting herself into.

"Yes actually," I answered her, scratching my head with the wrong side of the pen. That had to have left a few blue streaks on my scalp. "I need a break."

"We haven't been at it long," she grinned. "But sure. What do you want to do?"

"I'm getting us drinks," I stood up and stretched my arms over my head. "What can I get you?"

"Um….water is fine."

"Water - coming right up." She wanted water. I could have guessed that. "Be right back."

I ran down the stairs and scrambled around in the kitchen until I found the bottled water in the cupboard. I didn't really need a break. It was just an excuse to start a conversation with her and to get her attention away from that asinine project. In less than a minute I had grabbed two bottles of water out of the fridge and raced back up the stairs. Thank God I hadn't run into Emmett or Carlisle on my water run. I didn't want either of them to know she was in the house for fear that they would come into the library and try to engage her in friendly chit chat. If that happened, all my time with her would be soaked up with their frivolous gestures of hospitality while I'd be twitching restlessly in a corner willing them both to go to hell.

"That was quick," she spun around to face me when I snuck back in and closed the doors. She was already back by the shelves, flipping through a book in the classics section. I put my bottle on the desk and strolled over to her to hand her the other one. She accepted it gingerly. "I still can't get over this place," she sighed. "It's the most amazing collection I've ever seen. You're so lucky."

I smiled. "Carlisle likes his books and so did my mom."

"It's not just the books though, it's the whole place. The ceilings, the walls, the shelves….they go so high up, the rugs, the furniture, the smell, the paintings. Are those Van Gogh too? I think this could easily be my new favorite place."

She gazed at her surroundings emphatically and my fingers itched with the urge to part the strands of hair on her cheeks and tuck them behind her ears. Would that be crossing the line? I'd done it twice before and both times, she responded subtly and pleasantly to my touch. But I couldn't. I promised myself. This was supposed to be platonic and what kind of friend goes around touching their friends' hair like that all the goddamned time, so I shoved my hands into my jeans pockets to satiate the itch.

She thought the library could be her new favorite place. I thought about that. It was just the kind of I'd expect her to like.

"Well, if you like it that much, maybe you should come over more often."

Her eyes flicked to mine momentarily and blinked. With a small shake of her head, she replaced the book she was holding back onto the shelf. It almost felt as if I was straining my ears to hear what she was thinking. I was so damned accustomed to girls being too forward and too insistent on trying to get my attention with their jabbering that I was literally like a fish out of water with Bella. Her thoughts were always so wrapped up tightly in that head of hers.

Fuck. If there was one supernatural power that appealed to me right then, it was the ability to read minds, most specifically Bella's. But knowing _my_ fucked up luck, I'd have been able to read just about everyone _else's_ nagging thoughts but not the one mind I wanted to get into the most. There was something about my invitation to come over to my house that made her re-shift her gears like I saw.

"You can look through some more if you want. I'll just sit over here and watch you." I made my way across the room to a couch backed against the wall.

"Watch me?" She laughed out. "It's going to be pretty hard for me to look through anything with you watching me."

But nevertheless she turned back to the shelves and started rummaging through again. I took in every inch of her. Surprisingly enough, her clumsy coat was draped across the back of her chair. She never took that coat off in school. She wore it right through the day even with the heaters on inside. Without it, it was a lot easier for me to look at her and with her back turned to me I didn't have to feel like I was assaulting her with my eyes.

Her waist was tiny and her hips angled outward just enough to make her undeniably feminine but at the same time very slender. She was not voluptuous. Her legs and her arms were narrow, both covered with the material of jeans and a sweater that looked awfully stifling to me. But more than that, it prevented me from seeing any of her skin and I had to settle for the natural silhouette of her and imagine what she would be like underneath. All of her back was hidden as well, behind that thick curtain of gorgeous dark hair. Her ass was the perfect size and shape, round and upright and I found myself trying to measure with my eyes if my hands could stretch across and comfortably cup the swells to palm her cheeks. Feeling like an undeserving pervert, I shifted my eyes up and took a deep breath. I took in the length of her arm again as her hair tangled at the curve of her bent elbow and when she turned to the side slightly, I traced my eyes all the way up the length of her to the top of her bent head where her hair swept down in determined locks blocking off the view completely. From the side profile, I was able to get a glimpse of her breasts safely clad in white wool. She was petite and perky and the tips were smoothly rounded by the bra she wore underneath. I had to clench my hands into fists so that I wouldn't hold them out at arms length in an attempt to guesstimate the size of them against my palms. My eyes alone would have to be the judge. Her chest heaved in response to a deep breath she took and her sweet mounds rose and fell obediently.

The girl was perfect.  
The imagery alone stiffened my groin and I had to inhale deeply and squeeze my clenching nails into my palms even harder in order to distract myself from the lude effect she was having on me. I closed my eyes and thrust my head back against the wall, hating myself for my lustful appraisal of her body and for the innate pleasure I sought in undressing her with my eyes and wanting even more so, to do it with my hands instead. It was so bad that I had to mentally seize myself and force the extinguishment of the riveting heat welling up inside of me. I let a few minutes pass before I was confident that I had my shit pulled back together, under control, and when I looked at her again she was sitting on the floor with a book in her lap. Her profile was completely concealed as I could have guessed and I had to swing my knees in and out just to keep myself seated on the couch, opposing the will of every muscle that begged to close the space between us and finish off what I almost started in the hospital. I was pretty sure she would let me kiss her if I tried. She might get all tense and self conscious at first, but with a little patience I could have her responding to me like the sweet hum of a brand new engine wanting to be revved and pushed to the limit. But that would be crossing the fucking line and Bella was not some random chick that I'd be able to erase if shit went haywire. And shit always went fucking haywire with me. It's like I drew it to myself.

Fuck. It was irritating to have her so close under my skin. What the fuck was I thinking? This is exactly what I warned myself about. I was in no shape to handle this, not after the mess that just went down with Tanya. I needed space. I needed solitude. I needed peace. But then again, Bella was peace to me. How could one thing be two completely different things at the same time? Both peace_ and_ trouble?

In an attempt to distract myself from the raging hormonal build up inside of me, I decided to open conversation and the only way to singe my guttural thirst was to talk about something serious and important. I broached the topic cautiously, hoping that she wouldn't clamp up and shy away from me.

"Your mom was pretty understanding today," I said. My voice was disconcerting even to my own ears the way it cut through the silence without warning. She raised her head and looked at me, bending her head to one side so that her hair would fall away from her face.

"What are you talking about?"

"Well after what happened today, I was sorta shocked that she let you leave the house."

The anxiety I had seen in her eyes when I picked her up earlier returned in an instant and she looked almost annoyed by what I had said. She shifted her body on the floor and returned her attention to the book in her lap. She tried to be casual by shrugging her shoulders but the new found rigidity in her posture betrayed her discomfort and a sequence of small movements with her fingers ensued.

"Not really. Once she realized I was fine, she was ok with it. Besides, it's homework, not a party," her voice was husky and charged with something unnatural.

"_Are _you ok?" I asked her, not liking the way she sounded or the look in her eyes.

"Yes," she replied, keeping her eyes on the book in her lap. "I'm fine. Really. Forget about it."

A few moments of silence passed between us and I felt the aura in the room thicken with uneasiness.

"Tell me what you're afraid of Bella," I broke the silence again. She stopped moving, even her fidgeting stopped and she just sat there, motionless and unyielding. And I was pretty sure that she had even stopped reading.

I stood up and walked over to where she sat on the floor and sat down in front of her, mirroring her position like a rapt gypsy king. Her head was bent and when she didn't respond to me, I gently took the book out of her hands and placed it on the floor beside us. When I did that she started weaving her fingers in and out of each other, so I pressed my hands firmly over hers and took her both hands in mine.

I knew I was crossing the fucking line. I knew it inside my head, but Bella didn't make it easy for me to behave. Her thickly obscured evasiveness pulled me in and I was losing the will to fight off the effect she had on me. It was too fucking hard and I much preferred to channel that energy toward a more rewarding outcome anyway.

"Edward," she exhaled breathily with shut eyes and a pensive frown on her brow. She tried to ball her hands into fists inside of mine but I didn't relent. I only squeezed her hands harder preventing her from pulling away.

"It's ok Bella," I leaned into her, closer. "I won't betray you. I only want to understand. I promise."

"But why?" she raised her head finally and her eyes were like torturous pits of dark pain. I almost shuddered when I saw it. "You won't understand anyway. Even_ I_ don't understand it."

"Then maybe talking about it might help us both understand. Whatever it is, it's too heavy for you. I see it all the time. And today... today was scary. I didn't like seeing you like that and I heard you call his name, your dad's. It has to mean something."

She shook her head stubbornly, but I felt her fingers move against mine responsively. I reduced some of the tension to allow her to curl her fingers around mine and that was the first time we actually held hands. It gave me encouragement and I interlocked my fingers with hers, still in her lap drawing my attention even more acutely than before to her every movement, word and breath of air.

"You're scared to talk about it. Why?"

"Because you'll think I'm a freak Edward," her stare turned cold and accusing. "And all this…," she raised our hands between us and shrugged dramatically. "Whatever this is…this friendship? It will die because you won't know how to deal with it."

I drew her hands into my lap next and crossed out held hands at our wrists.

"Let _me_ decide what I can and cannot deal with. I've had my fair share of fucked up scenarios too. I think I can cope."

She sighed and let her shoulders droop with her head. I released her left hand from my right, took hold of her chin and raised her face. And since I was already that close I gave in to the urge to free her eyes and cheeks from the intrusive locks, stroking the hair off her left cheek and tucked it behind her ear while still holding her right hand in my lap. She didn't seem to like it this time and something changed dramatically in her demeanor. She yanked her right hand out of mine and folded her arms across her chest defiantly.

"What are you trying to do to me Edward?" She demanded with harsh eyes.

It seemed I had crossed the line.

Heck, I was so fucking far across on the forbidden side by then that I was ravenously looking for cover.

She stunned me with that question. _What was I doing to her? _I wasn't certain, but I sure as hell knew what I _wanted_ to do to her. I raised my eyebrows stupidly in question to her question, praying that it was rhetorical.

"This," she gestured with her hands back and forth between us. "Are you always this friendly with your female friends? Do you stroke their cheeks and touch their hair and hold their hands that way? Because if you do, it's cruel."

I was taken aback and though I knew I deserved it, it hit me hard from out left field and I never saw it coming. I knew that I was being selfish all along, trying to soak up everything I could get from her, knowing that I was heading toward trouble, but going ahead anyway against my instincts because I couldn't deny myself the pleasure of her peacefulness and her essence. But there was something I didn't prepare myself for so soon and when it happened it almost winded me.

Bella's rejection.

It affected me more perversely than I would have guessed.

"I'm sorry," I clipped, wounded by her reaction to me. "I was trying to make it easy for you to talk to me."

She shook her head vigorously and turned her face away from mine. "You don't even realize do you? Or maybe you do and you don't care."

"What are you talking about?" This was getting confusing.

She turned back to glare at me.

"You can't be that dense about the effect you have on girls Edward." She rolled her eyes but she looked more pained than anything else.  
What the hell did this have to do with anything we were talking about? Girls?

I frowned, bewildered. "I'd rather not talk about girls in general right now. Let's keep this about you please."

"Why? I think we _should_ talk about other girls," she demanded, folding her arms even tighter under her petite breasts.

"What are you doing Bella?"

"Please, help me to understand, because I'm really, very confused about you. And it irritates me like you wouldn't believe."

This outburst caught me completely off guard. I was baffled. One minute she was withdrawn and tortured and the next, she was furious.

"Fine," I said, turning my body to rest my back against the book shelf. "What do you want to know?"

She hesitated, as if she didn't expect me to call her bluff and I thought I even saw her gulp. The fire in her eyes was still there, but it started to quiver and I could see that she was trying desperately to follow through with this …..whatever it was.

"I know about you and Rosalie," she said, but her voice betrayed her. She wasn't as acid as she perhaps wanted to be.

"What exactly do you know about Rosalie, Bella?" I challenged her. This shit would end right here once and for all. Rosalie would not poison another person against me, not if I could help it….and especially not Bella.

"I know that you two were together."

"So what?"

"Your reputation with girls…it frightens me," she blurted out. "Both Rose and Tanya are so bitter and hurt and damaged because of you and it's like I….I don't think I can…" She sighed heavily. "I don't…"

"You don't whatBella?" I was pissed off. Where did she get off judging me about my past relationships, especially when it came to those two? She knew about Tanya, she _knew_ how fucked up the bitch was. I never claimed to be completely innocent in the matter, accepting half of the blame for myself. But surely, it took two hands to clap and neither of those bitches were damsels in distress at the mercy of Edward Cullen. If anything, I was a poor judge of character and whatever was damaged about them, was certainly damaged before I even put myself in the picture.

"I don't want…. to get confused about our _friendship_."

"There's nothing fucking confusing about it. We're friends. We have the same fucking lab and we hang out in the same circle. I like being around you but really Bella, the call is yours and if it's such a goddamned issue, fuck it. I know I'm not a saint, but I never claimed to be one either." I knew I was belittling our connection in her face and I wasn't proud of that, but my ego felt like it was being attacked and so I rebutted the only way how, by being a jack ass.

"So that's it?!" She stood up and threw her hands in the air. "Just like that?!"

"What the fuck do you want from me?" I gasped, getting to my feet as well. I had the unfair advantage of being much taller and she didn't like that, so she took a few steps back.

"You know Edward, you say you're not a saint and it's almost as if you use it as an excuse to get away from the fact that you're hurting people. Well you don't get off that easily. There's no excuse for hurting someone and there's no excuse for ignoring them after you do. You know the effect you have on someone and it's like you don't even care, and thinking that you can't control what happens between you doesn't justify you ignoring it and pretending like it's not happening anyway. You can't just start ignoring me because you think what we share is unhealthy, and refusing to take my calls is just plain cruel….!!"

I don't know what happened in her head, but it was painfully obvious that somewhere in the middle of her ranting, her focus shifted and it wasn't just the two of us in there anymore. She didn't know enough about me to be making those wild accusations and the withdrawn look in her eyes showed that she was far away in that place in her head again. Besides, what the hell was she talking about me not thinking I could control what happens between me and someone? And the parts about me ignoring her and not taking her calls?? What was she talking about? I didn't even have her number. I stared at her dumfound for a moment, guessing that it had something to do with her father.

There's not much I know about the way girls think. To me, they're all a pain in the ass at some point. But something about Bella made sense to me. On some warped level, the more time I spent around her, the more I got her. Her eyes welled up with tears then and I felt the anger inside of me melt away slowly. Her body was trembling and I wanted to grab her and press her against me so hard that I almost half consciously did it. I wanted to feel her body tremble with the pain her eyes reflected and let her cry all over my sorry ass, but the defiance in her eyes stopped me and I was afraid to make her more upset. After the way she reacted to me before, I was unsure whether or not she would be comfortable with me getting close to her again. I tried to search her eyes, to see if I could find the slightest glimmer of hope that it would be ok to hold her, but she was lost in her head, too far away.

"Bella," I spoke softly. "Who are you talking about?

She blinked at me as if she had just emerged from wherever it was she went to.

"What?" She demanded.

"The things you're saying….it can't all be about me? It doesn't make sense. Is it Charlie? Is it your dad?"

"Shut up Edward," she seethed, shaking her head vigorously while taking more steps backward. "How dare you?"

I threw my hands up in the air. I just couldn't win this one.

"Leave him out of this. That's a wide assumption to make. You don't know enough about me or him to be making such wild assumptions."

"But I'm trying to know you Bella and you won't let me. Besides, you seem to be very comfortable making various assumptions about _my_ character when there's very little you know as well." I raked my fingers through my hair and turned away from her feeling frustrated right through to my core.

"Well it's not hard to derive Edward. The evidence is there to see from your very public charades with Tanya."

Again, I felt the rage well up inside of me. She was going overboard now and I wasn't prepared to tolerate judgment about my relationships. I was fucking grown.

"Shut up Bella. You don't know what you're talking about."

"Ditto," she retorted.

I lost it then, much to my everlasting regret, but she had gone and gotten too personal and I had to end it immediately. Whatever it was she was trying to accomplish was completely lost on me anyway.

"You know what!" I sneered.

"What."

"You're spolit."

"Very original." She rolled her eyes and it reminded me of something Rosalie would do, irritating me even more.

"Oh nooo…wait. Let me finish," and I crossed my arms across my chest and parted my legs to get the perfect stance because I wanted to see her face clearly when I said what I was about to.

"You're spoilt and you're blind. You grieve for your father like it's the end of the fucking world. I see how you lament him and the way your eyes look like you've been crying too much over him. And you're _blind_, because you still – have - the - man. He's still fucking alive over there in Phoenix. Still in your life. You don't know the first thing about really losing someone. You think you lost your father to this divorce? Because a few fucking thousand miles were thrust between you? Try losing him to death Bella! Try living with the kind of grief that flushes your soul of everything humane. Try losing your grip on who you're supposed to be, like a zombie day in and day for years. The most important part of you just taken away like fucking that," and I snapped my fingers. "Try that! And _then _come back and lecture me about all the shit I'm doing wrong in my life."

Then without warning, the recurring images of my mother and brother sliced through my head, flashing so fast that my mind had a hard time keeping up. I tried to slow them down at first so that I could focus on them and I felt my brow break out into a sweat. Then I realized that I didn't want to slow them down, I wanted to push them out so that the perpetual claws around my heart would stop squeezing so fucking mercilessly into me that any harder, they were sure to draw blood.

Bella stood frozen in shock. Her eyes were wide with remorse first, but then there was also pain, grief, anger and frustration. She broke down into tears then, and stomped her foot stubbornly into the floor with enough force to pop her own ankle.

"I almost _did_ you _asshole_! I almost lost him today!" She screamed at me before she turned and fled from the library. And even though her reaction was exactly what I had wanted for all of the things she said to me and because it just wasn't a good idea to incense the jack ass in me, none of it felt good. Instead, I almost buckled over shamefully as the monster inside of me reared its ugly head in triumph. An intense feeling of self hatred overwhelmed me then and all I could bring myself to do was stand there and gape at the open doors that she had just escaped through.

"What the hell just happened Edward?" Carlisle was inside the doors in the next second. "I could hear the two of you screaming at each other from down the hall. What is Bella doing here?"

"Not now dad," I responded, rushing past him to go after her. Where the hell was she running off to anyway? My house was too far away from hers to try walking and besides, I drove her here, not to mention the fact that all her belongings were still on the desk in the library.

"Edward," Carlisle called after me.

"We were doing our homework dad." I shouted back at him exasperatedly. "Then we got into an argument. It happens. I have to go find her now."

He didn't challenge me further. I ran down the flight of stairs from the second to the ground floor in search of Bella. She would definitely have gone outside because I knew she wouldn't be comfortable curling up in any corner of a strange house in order to cry it out. I barged out the front door but she wasn't on the front porch. I took the steps down to the front yard two at a time and ran around the pillars to the side of the house. It had just gotten dark and it was hard to find her even with the outdoor lights turned on. Then I heard the faintest sound of sobbing coming from the front. I ran toward it but still I couldn't find her.

"Bella?" I called. " Bella where are you? I can hear you."

I caught the sound of her sniffling then and following it toward my parked car. I walked around it and found her crouched in a ball on the floor leaning against my car, facing the road leading up to the house.

I sighed in dejection as I looked down at her wounded, sobbing form. The discomfort of her resentment tore at me and I blamed myself for it. Nothing she said should have pushed me that far. I was so fucking fed up of myself and for flipping off the handle so easily all the time, for not being able to control my temper and for losing sight of what was more important than my bruised ego. My friendship with Bella, though sorely lacking of all the things I wanted it to be instead, was the only thing in my life at the time that made the days worth looking forward to. I processed that thought in my head for a second or so as I looked at her shake. There had to be an upside here and the upside was that it was safer for Bella to hate me. Maybe I knew it all along and maybe that's why I followed through with my intent to hurt her in the first place, because all the while I had ignored the truth and now it was time to face it. What if I pursued my feelings for Bella and fell in love with her? And what if after it all, I ended up hurting her because I just didn't know what else to do with a girl? And what if, by some miracle we somehow managed to be together without hurting each other and then I lost her? And what if I lost her to death? There was no way I was going to live through that again and I preferred to keep possibilities like that at a safe distance so that I didn't have to. It would be too fucking easy to fall in love with Bella, and that was such a frightening concept that I hardened up instinctively at the thought, wanting to separate myself from any possibility of it happening. There was way too much at stake, way too much to lose when love was involved and I much preferred losing something dispensable, like my unhealthy relationships with Rosalie and Tanya; than losing something indispensable, like love with Bella.

"I'm sorry," I said to the forlorn girl sitting on the floor. "I shouldn't have said those things to you."

She inhaled deeply when she heard me, but she didn't raise her head.

"I'll go get your stuff so that I can take you home now. Please wait inside the house. You shouldn't be out here in the cold without your coat."

Slowly and without a word she stood up and followed me into the house. I left her in the foyer and ran up the stairs to retrieve her belongings only to find Carlisle waiting for me inside the library. Before he could say anything, I took the high road.

"I'm taking her home now. It's not a big deal dad."

"Edward, that girl went through a lot today. Maybe a screaming match wasn't the best idea?" Carlisle tried reasoning with me, as if it would change anything now that it was all over.

"It wasn't exactly planned. It just happened but it's over now. I'm taking her home."

"Good," was all he said as his eyes skimmed over the walls and ceiling high shelves.

The way to Bella's house was strained with silence. It was the first time we were quiet in each other's presence with it being uncomfortable. Over and over I convinced myself that it was the best thing for us and that we were better off estranged than fanning whatever attraction we might have had to each other. Mine for one, was spiraling out of control faster than I could control, and this was just the grounding force I needed to wake me up and snap me back into cruel reality. And maybe a little distance between us would help ease my raging hormonal and emotional inclination toward her. As I drove I tried all those points, trying to convince myself that this was for the best. But it didn't matter how hard I tried, I couldn't come to terms with the fact that things weren't right between us and that I had hurt her. It would bother me endlessly, not to mention that coping with that kind of remorse was new to me. She kept her eyes on the road ahead, never once glancing across at me and it became too much to bear. I had to say something.

"Bella, really I'm sorry. I was an ass. I_ am_ an ass. There's no excuse for what I said. I don't deserve it, but I hope you'll forgive me. I didn't realize that….about your dad, I mean. I'm sorry." In a different place in time, I would have asked her what she meant by _she almost lost him that day_, but I had since lost my privileges to ask anything of that nature. And though it felt like she had dropped something huge on me that I wanted to explore further and it was something sure to nag at my consciousness until it was satisfied, I had to let it go.

She shrugged silently, not crying anymore and I felt like we got to her house too soon. I parked in front and gripped the steering wheel viciously trying to transfer my deep seated anxiety onto it. Surprisingly enough, she didn't burst out of the car and go careening up the path to her door like I thought she would. She remained still and quiet and kept her eyes forward. So I sat in silence and waited for her next move. Anything was possible at that point and I worried that she would tell me to go to hell and to never talk to her again, even though I told myself it would be better that way.

"I said some pretty horrible things to you too," she said eventually. "You were trying to be nice to me and I panicked. I'm sorry about that. I really am. I shouldn't have judged your character in that way. I didn't even mean any of it. I don't really think those things about you Edward. I was just trying to push you away."

Words failed me at that point. I had just been the nastiest kind of cruel to this girl and here she was claiming half of the blame for herself and apologizing. The tension finally started to dissipate and the glimmer of hope I had been silently hoping for started to show itself.

"Still. I hurt you and I hate myself for that more than you'll know. I was out of line with what I said about your dad and I understand if you don't want to be around me anymore."

Then she looked at me for the first time since she got into the car. It was hard to read her eyes in the dark, but I thought that I saw her blink back tears. I'd gone and done it again without even realizing it.

"That's the second time today that you've tried to say good bye to me," she choked out.

The flood of emotion and tension that swelled inside of me was starting to wear me down. I _was_ trying to say good bye, in a manner of speaking, and even _she_ had admitted that she too was trying to push me away. But hearing her say it like that, with such disappointment, directness and hurt in her voice was nearly more than I could take. I didn't know what to say to her. I couldn't deny it but I couldn't own up to it either. All I did was return her stare in silence, praying that she would somehow, miraculously fill in the gaps right there in the car and realize how crazy I actually was about her. Because God only knew, I couldn't make her understand.

Instead, she broke our eye contact and opened the door.

"Good night Edward."

And then just like that, she was gone. I watched her disappear into the house and in more ways than one I knew I had lost something even in trying to protect myself from losing in the long run. I still lost. I'd had many fights with girls before and after every last one of them, I was thrilled and relieved to watch their backs walking away from me, hoping that my behavior was enough to send them packing for good. But this was different. The pressing discomfort I felt in my chest as she walked away from me was suffocating and I didn't like it. Something about the way she said good night to me sounded final and it made me anxious. As much as I searched for reasons to stay away from Bella, I knew that I was never good at following my own rules. That night would have been the perfect time to change my route and try to forget the way I felt about her. With anyone else, it would have either been the start of the end, or the end already and now that it seemed possible that I just achieved that with Bella as well, it made me feel sick to my stomach and lower than I'd felt in the longest while. And I didn't even want it.

God, I was so confused.

In that second, I switched, panicked that I had just lost her tough I didn't really have her to begin with. It made no sense. None of it made any sense. I'd only known her a week and a half and already it felt like she was a part of me I didn't want to live without. I stared at the front door to her house lost in thought and a short while later I saw the light in a room upstairs go on. That had to be her bedroom and my thought was confirmed when I saw her silhouette move behind the thin white curtain against her locked window. I looked at her as she ran her hands through her hair with her head bent, something that I'd bet she'd never do in front of me. She paced the floor for a while and I looked at her, brooding in the darkness of my parked car like some kind of weirdo.  
I sighed in frustration and rammed my head back into the head rest.  
"What the fuck am I doing?" I grunted, before shifting the gear into drive to speed away. Of all the low, degrading things I was capable of, borderline stalking was _not_ one of them. Not even if the subject was Isabella Swan.


	16. Chapter 16 Conflicted hearts BPOV

Thanks for sticking with me guys and for all the exceptional comments. Some of you mentioned that I should try posting on Twilighted and I did. The first chapter is pending approval. However, I wouldn't raise my hopes because I think I pissed them off accidentally. The rules stated that you upload one chapter for the queue. What I thought it meant was that I could upload whatever chapters I had and they would just hold the_ first_ one in the queue while the others stayed on standby; seeing that the software allowed me upload as many as I wanted. So anyway, I foolishly uploaded a bunch of chaps and got a rather gritty email the same night saying that I had violated the rules… though not in those exact words. Gosh they're strict! So it's been a week now almost, and no word from them. There's also the point that I don't think an entire story should be judged based on the first chapter alone, but if it depends on just my first…well…lol! I don't know. What do you think? Just don't want you guys to get your hopes up about it being accepted on Twilighted, but I'll keep you posted and I have my fingers _and _toes crossed. It would be awesome if they approved it.

What a God awful long note to place here that has nothing to do with this chap. :p

**Now, about the chap**: This is Bella's POV about what made her instigate the fight – a bit unexpected. We got to give the girl a chance to give her side of the story right? It takes off after this. Just one more chap to go after this one before the resonating Allelluiah! So I put them all up so that you wouldn't have to wait any longer - Chapters 16, 17 & 18. Hope you enjoy.

To: shitsandgiggles – I don't sleep either. I'm a mess day in day out and fanfiction is to blame. I finished editing this chap at 2:14 am this morning. LOL. Thanks for wanting more!

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**Chapter 16**

**Conflicted hearts hurt alike – BPOV**

Esme had me confined to my room on bed rest for the first few hours after I'd come home from Forks Community Hospital. Even though I tried explaining to her that I was fine and that there was absolutely no lasting physical effect from what had happened, she argued with me that the emotional trauma was enough to take its toll and so I should rest. The physical confinement wasn't as bad as the mental imprisonment. Lying on my bed only perpetuated thoughts about Charlie and his almost death. Mixed in with anxiety for Charlie were thoughts of Edward and the way he stayed by my side throughout the entire ordeal. This time was hands down, the worst I'd ever experienced of Charlie's trauma cases and having Edward's voice pull me through it was more life giving than he'd probably ever know. I tossed and turned on the bed as the light from outside came through my curtains. In an attempt to trap as much light the Fork's sky would allow, Esme put up very thin white curtains in all the bedrooms in the house. It still didn't do much to pull any significant amount of light into the room, so I had to turn on my bedroom lights. I toyed with the idea of calling Charlie again. He had been avoiding my calls for the past few days and according to Esme, he was still in the hospital under observation. The more I thought about everything, the more one idea pronounced itself in my head clearer and clearer. I wanted to ask Esme to allow me a trip to Phoneix to take care of Charlie for a while, or at least to try convincing him to volunteer to go into rehab on his own. Charlie was as stubborn as a drunk mule. I knew he felt conquered by Esme in the divorce and custody battle, and if there was a situation where his decision could overrule hers, he would not back down, not even if it worked against his best interest – not even if it killed him. Again, Charlie was self destructive but it wasn't intentional. I believed him to be clinically depressed and probably I was too, but for the most past we usually had each other. But now that he was alone and everything was terribly wrong.

I decided to try calling him, even though I knew he was at the hospital still. The first time I got his voice mail but thankfully it only took two tries to get an answer.

"Hello, Charlie Swan's phone," the voice was very familiar and I felt a surge of affection surge through me when I realized who it was.

"Uncle Phil," I smiled. "It's Bella."

"Bella," he sighed. "How are you coping kid?"

"I'm fine uncle, but I'm worried about dad. Are you still in the hospital?"

"Yes, but I won't be able to get the phone to him. Visiting hours are over, I'm just dropping off a few of his belongings at reception so that his nurse can get it to him. I went back to his place."

"Thanks you so much Uncle Phil," I choked up with emotion. "If you hadn't gotten to him when you did….."

"Bella," he stopped me. "Don't even think it. It's just a huge mess and I'm glad I got the phone call when I did. He was lucky. I was in the service station one block away when your mom called. But it was you that saved him Bells. Not me. It was you."

"What? Why do you say that?"

"Well, if you didn't have this crazy link to the man, nobody would have known he was in trouble in the first place. Your red flag put the wheels in motion."

"It doesn't matter," I squeezed my eyes shut. "I just can't believe how terrible it's gotten with us not there."

"Are you blaming yourself for his condition?"

"No..I'm.."

"Bella, Charlie is an adult. No one is responsible for his life but himself. He needs help, and it has to be _professional_ help. I can't guarantee that I'll always be a block away when he decides to piss off his mistress."

I thought that was a bit harsh, but it was expected. People were losing their patience with Charlie all around, but he didn't have anyone else to fall back on. Besides Alice, Esme and me, he had no other family.

"Hey," Uncle Phil said gently. "I'm handing over his cell with the rest of his stuff to the nurse. I'll put a note on it saying to leave it by his bed, in case you wanna call him later or something. Will that help?"

"Yes it will help a lot," I smiled gratefully into the phone. "Thanks Uncle Phil, for everything."

"Ok kid, take care of your mom and send Al my love."

"I will. Bye."

When we hung up, I threw myself back onto the bed in an exasperated huff. Charlie needed professional help, yes, but to get him to agree to professional help, he needed _personal _help. He would need some encouragement to take the step on his own. I tried to imagine the case they'd have to bring against him to prove that he was unfit to make his own decision and I cringed. He'd already suffered through enough at the mercy of higher ranking authorities; he should be able to take control of at least this part of his life. I wanted him to have the say and the satisfaction that his recovery was because of his own conscious decision, not because he was forced into it. He deserved at least that. Forcing him would never work. He'd never heal if he didn't want to be healed and the more I thought about it, the more it made sense in my head. I had to get to him asap. I had to leave Forks.

My only obstacle was Esme and well...maybe there was another that I wasn't yet prepared to admit to.

Edward.

Already I knew that Edward was ingrained inside of my head and possibly even a part of my soul. As much as I tried to deny it, or force it to go away, he was always there, ever present like a perpetual image in my conscience. He was the one thing that made Forks bearable. I wanted to see him every minute of every day and when I didn't, I got disappointed and felt my heart sink to the pit of my stomach. I anticipated his touch more than I should and I blamed him completely for that. If he hadn't initiated physical contact by touching my hair and my cheeks and by snuggling up so close to me in the hospital that I could feel his hot breath against my neck and his eyelashes brush against my cheek, I may have been in a much better position now. Even thinking about him then in my bedroom made my heart race in irregular spasms, not to mention my confusion about the way he felt about me. One minute he kept himself at a safe distance and the next, he was testing the limit to see how close he could get to me. The anxiety irritated me. I felt vulnerable around Edward and I remember swearing to myself that I would ever allow a boy to get me unglued like that. The invisible force between us tugged at me constantly whether or not I was around him and all I could think about was getting it to goddamned stop already. Ever since the first time I laid eyes on him I felt my body react physically to him, which only compounded the mental agony. He was dangerously alluring and I had to try way too hard to keep my head screwed onto my shoulders all the goddamned time. And that's not foretting the fact that I was, without a doubt, 100% certain that even if he shared a fraction of the amount of desire I held for him, it would be nothing in compared to the monstrosity of feelings I had rearing itself inside of me. The reality of my intense attraction to him left me disoriented most of the time and I felt like I was submerged.

The constant mental babble was so utterly exhausting.

In the hospital, I was on the verge of pleading with him to stop touching me, not because I wanted him to, but because I didn't trust myself to act nonchalantly to his touch. I needed some clarity. I felt like I needed to push him away so that I could get my head back above water for fear that I may drown in my own oblivion. The notion that perhaps he was just feeling sorry for me after what he had witnessed, bothered me and I couldn't allow myself to fall even further while he was just trying to be a good friend. It was a bitter sweet moment when Esme walked in and interrupted us. He had pulled away from me so abruptly that he almost fell off the bed, but alas, I was able to breathe again.

Just as I was about to turn to my ipod for a moment's peace of mind, there was a knock at my door and Alice poked her head into my room.

"You have a visitor," she grumbled and rolled her eyes. "It's Edward."

I sprang into a sitting position immediately.

"Edward is here?"

She pushed open the door and leaned against the frame, folding her arms across her body defiantly.

"Bella please be careful with him. I won't say anything more, but promise me please, that you will keep your head on tight. He worries me."

It was my turn to roll my eyes at her. "Alice, there's nothing going on between Edward and me. You can trust that." So was that I rushed past her and headed to the bathroom to survey the image in the mirror so hysterically? Alice followed me silently and observed me as I dragged a hairbrush through my hair. And thank God she didn't rub it in.

"I could help you, you know," she hinted. "With your hair."

"I thought you wanted me to be careful? Now you want to help me?"

"Bella, whether or not anything is going on between you two, you should _never_ greet a boy looking like you just rolled out of bed….unless he's rolling out with you."

I ignored her sexual innuendo and continued to struggle.

"But I _did_ just roll out of bed," I eyed her pleadingly. This was not the time for a make over, especially with Edward waiting for me downstairs.

"Let me help you."

"Not now….I have to go."

She threw her hands into the air and huffed and squinted her eyes at me speculatively.

"I don't even have to worry about it. You'll come to me for guidance eventually."

"I will never consent to a make over Alice."

"Oh yes you will," she grinned. "I know it. I see how react to Edward. Pretty soon you will become more aware of your physical self around him and you seek my counsel."

"I wouldn't count on it." And I really meant it.

I ran down the stairs, then scolded myself at the bottom for allowing myself to fly out of control. I stopped just short of the entry to the sitting room, took a couple of steadying deep breaths then walked in, pretentiously calm. He was sitting on the couch and when he saw me he stood up making damned sure his fragrance spilled over me.

I kept forgetting about that and no matter how many times it happened, the effect of it shocked me every time. We didn't stay long at my house. It had been a stressful day for me and resting in my room hadn't relaxed me one bit. All I wanted to do was get out so that I could fill my overworked head with distracting things and even though Edward was one of the contributing factors to my mental exhaustion, being with him was exactly what I needed….wanted, to satiate the mental torture of thinking about him constantly. Yes, it was quite the dilemma. There was noting I wanted more than to fill my days with Edward, but becoming unglued and vulnerable the way I suspected I already was, perpetuated a nightmare that I knew at the same time, I could not live with.

Push and pull, push and pull, with no middle ground to balance the fight – and absolutely no gray area. Except of course for the possibility of friendship, which by now I knew was entirely hopeless given the way my feelings had developed. I would only be fooling myself if I tried to be friends with Edward. I'd be fooling and hurting myself, always wanting him, always fantasizing abut him, always reading too much into a touch or a smile, always hoping, but never actually being the one to actually have him.

And still, I couldn't stay the hell away as was evident by my reaction to his presence at my house that day. All I needed to hear was that he wanted to see me and I would conform like a tottering baby faced with her dangling pacifier. Hence my second obstacle in leaving Forks. I hoped I had more command of my better judgment than to allow my foolish feelings for Edward to hinder an important decision like going to help Charlie. That was something I would not allow. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more the idea of leaving Forks for a while seemed more appealing. Maybe it was exactly what I needed to cure myself of the insatiable Edward itch. Putting some distance between us might be the healthiest option I had at the moment. The poignant addiction would fizzle if I went away. Now all I had to do was convince Esme.

------------------------------

His house was absolutely incredible. Before I even saw it, I was spellbound by the lengthy and scenic drive way. _Drive way_ would probably be too unworthy a word to describe it. It was more like an avenue lined with trees behind the simplest of wooden fences which ran up the entire length on both sides from the main road to the house. Through the trees the expanse of land reached as far as my eyes could see on both sides and it was littered with Pine trees and batches of low, wild flower beds. I just knew that the land would be green and lush in the months of summer. The drive up to the house lasted about three minutes, which was ridiculously long for a goddamned driveway. I swear, they could have put a street sign at the front and it would pass for their own private street. When the house came into view it was sprawling and white with tall pillars and stone carvings. I thought I saw two Gargoyles ready to pounce off the roof, but it was so high above that it was hard to tell, but from what I could decipher with my eyes, the house looked like it had three floors. Alice was right, it was a mansion.

Something seemed very sad about it at the same time though. There were statues and Gargoyles and wide pillars and all the magnificence of a large stone monument, but it lacked anything soft or warm. There were big and small plant pots and troughs that lined the staircase to the front porch that wrapped around the front of the house, but for the most part they were empty, except for some dry dirt in a few and the last straggling of dried weeds. It was painfully obvious that those pots were once filled with color and life, but now, without the attention of the person I suspected to be Edward's mother, they were barren and sad and I wondered why they didn't just remove the pots and store them away somewhere. Inside was another breath taker. The ceilings were high, the floors were wooden and varnished in deep rick brown, and the walls were all lined with wooden panels and decorated with the most jaw dropping pieces of art. It was warm inside, but again, I felt that amidst all the splendor of magnificence, it still lacked something that I couldn't put my finger on. The house was only beautiful because it was naturally so, not because someone lovingly took care of it every day.

"You like Van Gogh?" Edward asked me when he saw me stall at a painting in the expansive foyer. My entire sitting room could fit into his foyer alone.

"Um....wow. Van Gogh. Apparently I do." I answered. Of course, it would be some famous painter and just to add insult to injury, being in his house made our worlds seem at terrible odds with each other. Although, I thought the painting _was_ very beautiful. "This is Van Gogh? Sorry, I don't know much about art. I know more about books."

"Well this one is the original."

Lovely - confirmation of class versus chopped liver, with a cherry on top.

A freaking Van Gogh original….why didn't I guess.

"_How_ do you guys own a Van Gogh original?" I just couldn't control my amazement. "I mean. I may not be able to identify his paintings just by looking, but I know enough about artists like him to know that his originals must be owned by only elite museums all over the world."

"They are," he smiled up at the painting. "But Carlisle is very well connected. My mother….she was an art dealer. And this was a gift from him to her. He bought it from The Musée d'Orsay in Paris."

I could tell that he didn't like talking about her. Almost immediately his face tensed and he narrowed his eyes just before a shadow cast itself through them. He was trying to conceal the fact that he was still hurting over her and it tugged that instinctive protective chord inside of me. I wondered about the story of her death and if he would ever feel comfortable talking about it, but I had to appreciate his difficulty as I knew exactly how he felt about sharing. Whatever it was, it was a significant piece in the Edward Cullen puzzle, if not the most significant and God how I itched to get my hands on the pieces.

"But…how?"

"Like I said. He is very well connected and insanely respected by important people. Someone wanted to repay him for something."

"My God! What did he do?! Save someone's life or something?" I gasped, because of course, always two steps behind was the foot in mouth syndrome, just waiting to shove me six feet under.

"Actually….yes."

One day that foot just might get caught in there permanently.

"Oh," was my brilliant attempt at recovery. Thank goodness he looked amused.

He took me to the library next and it was another architectural if not historic, accomplishment. Nothing would have prepared me for the library. When he said he had a library, I thought it was like a study or a den that most people I knew had in their houses, with a few book shelves crammed with too many books and maybe a desk or something. However, the monument of the Cullen library did not fail to impress and it could have easily competed with and flatten the likes of any city library I had ever been to. In fact, they got extra points too for the antique looking furniture; which by then I knew better than to think they were merely antique_ looking;_ the lush, thick rugs on the floor, the ceiling high shelves and the 2000 plus books they contained comfortably.

_Vincent Twice much??_

It was however, exactly my version of heaven, complete with the Edward Cullen accessory. Goddamn it.

"I could live in here," I gasped and it was the truth. "Do you come in here often?"

"I uh, I used to. Now I just come in when I need to. My dad is in here sometimes."

"Is it his office?" I wanted to know everything about that room and the enigmatic energy that encircled it.

"No. He has a study lower down the hall. But....,"his voice drifted off and it drew my attention to his reflective expression. I saw him flinch again though I'm sure he never knew I noticed. It was almost like a reflex action of his and I just knew what he would say next had something to do with either his dead mother or his brother.

"This was one of my mother's favorite rooms in the house. She spent a lot of her time in here. For the most part Carlisle just comes in, gets what he wants then leaves. I don't think it's easy for him to linger around anything or place that she frequented." I saw the shuttered look in his eyes, though he tried and he started busying himself with his books and bag on the desk that we were supposed to sit at. However, the fact that he tried at all was endearing and it made me believe in the flickering hope that perhaps I could get my hands on another piece of his puzzle. Edward was always so guarded and deliberate about the things he talked about and the image he gave off, so that when I saw his vulnerability peek through, I clung to it dearly.

"What was her name?" I asked as I joined him at the desk, trying to be as gentle as possible with the topic.

"Elizabeth." It was a one word answer and effectively the end of the conversation as was obvious by the distant and tortured look on his face and the immediate change in topic afterward.

"So should we take a shot at this?"

"At what?"

"Our assignment."

_Oh, so you didn't mean a shot at us perhaps? _

"Yup," I smiled at him, ever the queen of facades. Ugh! We really were going to do the stupid assignment after all. So much for my mental image of curling up in a corner in the crook of his arm with a good book in this glorious haven.

It was laughable even to think. A girl _should_ have a sense of humor though, right?

We really _did _try the assignment thing. For half an hour I read the texts and wrote down some mute points, purposely keeping my head lowered so that my hair would fall over my face and block off the heated microwaves he sent toward me. I swore I could feel every spot he touched with his green stare.

I didn't understand this new vibe from Edward. It started subtly the night before under the Oak when I caught him playing his guitar and singing with that in descriptive, marvelous voice of his; then in bio when he touched my hair and sat way too close to me; then again in the hospital room. They were all back to back random displays of affection. I tried being careful about the use of the word affection when describing his touch, though I hoped insidiously even if there was nothing behind it. It was almost as if he _wanted_ to be close to me. The scene in the hospital room was almost the end of me. If I had only turned my face two degrees to the left, we would have been nose to nose.

It was exhausting yet again, having to carefully dissected his interaction with me. Foot in mouth syndrome was one thing, but humiliation from reading his signals all wrong would definitely see me right to the hospital again, this time from a serious heart condition….pun intended.

Geez, I almost threw myself across the desk to either slap him silly or force him to inflict his assault on my lips instead of on my face. Was he even aware of the effect he was having on me right then? It was all I could do to just relieve myself of the burden by just telling him everything, just to be rid of it once and for all….with no expectations.

He wanted to get us drinks and I consented, glad to have a few minutes to re adjust my focus. When he left, I rested my head on the desk, balled my hands into fists under the table and punched myself repeatedly in my thighs, trying to scold myself for allowing my head to become so easily unscrewed.

It was my fault. I knew I should stay away from him. Then what the hell was I doing at his house, locked away with him in a room whose definition could only be classified as spellbinding? When the corporal punishment didn't work and my palms started to hurt from my pressing fingernails, I decided to browse through the books in the Classics section. That would be the perfect solution, to lose myself elsewhere. All sections were clearly labelled, much to my relief and I had just picked up Anne of Green Gables when the door swung open and he ambled in with two bottles of water.

"That was quick," I said to him as he handed me a bottle.

His eyes blazed into mine gently and I broke the connection by diverting my gaze to the water.

"I still can't get over this place," I smiled as I appreciated the class and intellect it would have took to put it all together. "It's the most amazing collection I've ever seen. You're so lucky."

We chatted politely a little longer and his eyes got all serious when he suggested that I come over to his place more often since I liked the library so much. The thought of losing myself inside of there was more appealing than he realized, especially because it was his, but that also meant being around him much more than was healthy for me.

It was so exhausting having to argue two sides to everything all the time. Nothing was a simple go with flow moment since my feelings started going haywire and ever since the hospital incident with his in my room, anxiety about my attraction to him overwhelmed me and I didn't know what to do with it, or with myself. I knew I was an over analyzer, but that trait of mine was what managed to keep me out of trouble thus far in the boy department. People like Alice had it easier I guessed. She just danced through life, day after day, taking it as it came and changing some of it to suit her own whim. But I wasn't strong like Alice, or as beautiful and self preservation was top priority on my list….that and Charlie preservation.

"You can look through some more if you want," his voice broke through my reverie. "I'll just sit over here and watch you."

"Watch me?" I gaffed incredulously. Of course, he had to be joking but he was already seated on the couch across the room before I could plead otherwise and seeing that he sat a safe distance away, I decided to shrug it off. All I had to do was bend my head so that my hair would conceal my face. He could watch all he wanted, but he wouldn't see.

Thankfully, the books were good enough to take me away like I had hoped. Christ, there were so many. The more I skimmed through, the more I gawked and the longer my list of books to read and re-read got. He was silent on the couch. I dared not look over at him for fear that I would actually fid him looking at me and just like before, when we were sitting at the desk, I felt his eyes appraise me. It literally felt it, like a minute pulsing current right on a particular spot and when his eyes moved, so did the pulse. The first thing it did was surge up and down the length of my back, down and up my legs and then it found the audacity to _linger _on my bottom. Like a goddamned, torturously distracting caress, causing me to clench my pelvic muscles in stubborn resistance.

What in the world was happening to me?!

The next thing I knew, it was travelling up my arms and through my hair creating a tickling sensation on my scalp that any more direct would roll my eyes straight to the back of my head. The shuddering breath I expelled confirmed it in my head. I was standing there, feeling Edward's eyes stake their claim on my body. When I turned to the side, trying with all my might to force my eyes to read the open book in my hands, I felt it touch my breasts and I very nearly dropped the book. I wasn't prepared for that and my breath hitched in instant response to the hardening of my nipples under my sweater. The sensation swarmed right over and under my humble cups and enveloped me in a sudden gush of heat so divine that it shot right down into my jeans. My pores rose like obedient miniature soldiers and I had to force air in and out of my lungs in an attempt to steady my galloping heartbeat.

How the hell was he _doing_ that?

My hands started to tremble and I knew I had to sit fast because self betrayal was imminent. I didn't even know my body could do all those things nor that Edward could do it to me with just his eyes. It was also slightly…embarrassing. My goodness. My freak-o-meter was seriously maxing it out.

I held on to a shelf and lowered my body down to the floor, making sure to keep my eyes fiercely focused on the blur of words staring up at me judgmentally. This couldn't be happening. It _had _to be impossible. But then again, my body could probably be one of the most responsive mechanisms known to all mankind and I don't know how and why it worked that way; but every day I said special prayers in thanks to the gods above that it was _only_ Charlie's physical pain that transferred to me and never any kind of embarrassing repercussions of physical pleasure. Good god, I'd have to be admitted to an asylum for lifelong treatment if that were the case. Ugh!

Just then, I heard Edward utter a small gasp. It was barely audible but the guttural infliction in it caught my attention. I braved a glance at him and saw that his head was leaned back against the wall and that his eyes were closed.

Closed?!

_Foolish, foolish imbecile_! I screamed at myself mentally. He wasn't even looking at me! And there I was fantasizing……no, obsessing about what he might have been doing to me with his eyes when he was…. Had I just completely fooled myself into having an actual physical response from him? Of all the absurdities. This had gone _way_ too far! I was officially losing my head over Edward! I was no more than a hoodwinked fool with an unhealthy fixation on a man boy, not to mention the internal humiliation I suffered in that moment. I imagined what he might think if he only knew what had just happened to me and anger suddenly tore through in revolting torrents. I wasn't angry with _him_ per se, though I was furious with myself.

No that's a lie. I got angry with him as well and though I knew I couldn't justify it because he didn't do anything wrong, I got so desperate sitting there in a pool of miserable humiliation that I felt the resounding urge to push him away. If I was able to salvage whatever was left of my sanity I would have to make Edward know that we couldn't be friends anymore, because being friends with him was turning me into a crazed looney toon.

And what incensed me even further was the fact that in the midst of my inner turmoil, he was as quiet, unaffected and peaceful as ever.

"Your mom was pretty understanding today," he said and the unexpected sound of his voice severed me from my mental ranting.

"What are you talking about?" I tried really hard to act as normal as I could, and the only that could have been achieved was to start picking at my finger nails. Any general, quick, small movement of my fingers would steady me.

"Well after what happened today, I was sorta shocked that she let you leave the house."

The last thing I wanted to do then was talk about Esme and the whole mess of events that lead us there, but I didn't want to be rude, so I focused on my fingers, poking and pulling at the book in my hands. There was no rational explanation for being rude to him when he insisted on being so goddamned nice.

"Not really, once she realized I was fine, she was ok with it. Besides it's homework. Not a party." And it came out a little blunter that I intended it to.

"Are you ok?"

No I am _not_ ok. I want you to want me the way I want you and I want us to just forget about all this polite bullshit and just lie down together on this very nice rug underneath me and kiss until my stupid tongue falls out.

"Yes. I'm fine. Really. Forget about it."

I wasn't doing a very good job at pretending everything was ok and I knew he sensed that I was upset. Than he had to go and get all tender with me and that was all I needed to give me the final shove right off the slippery edge.

"Tell me what you're afraid of Bella," he eventually said. It took me a few moments to figure out what he was talking about but then I remembered. He went back to the conversation that got interrupted in the hospital when he was jammed up against me snuggly on the narrow bed, with his warm breath teasing against my neck. I remembered he had said to me in the most alluring whisper into my ear, '_You're fidgeting,' _pretty much like I was doing right then. So I stopped abruptly and tensed my entire body.

He walked over then and sat in front of me making our knees touch slightly. Then he gently removed the book I was holding out of my vice like grip and rested it on the floor. Now my hands were empty and I had to do something with them, so I resumed some finger work. He noticed my fidgeting and did the unforgiveable and dared to touch my hands with his, undoing the lock I created with my hands and pressed his hands firmly but tenderly over mine.

Heaven opened a door then and I heard the archangels sing.

It was the first time we ever held hands, not counting the brief brush of his fingers the night we lay side by side under the Oak tree. I stared at our hands between us, resting on his knees. His palms were big and warm and his fingers were strong, wrapped dominantly around mine. The smell of his musk, dew and cigarettes enclosed me and my hands felt like they fit so right inside of his. And because it was wrong as I was sure that the intensity of the attraction I had for him was unrequited, I tried to twist them out of his grasp, but he only squeezed me tighter.

"Edward," I complained, wanting to plead with him to have mercy on me and let me go.

"It's ok Bella. I won't betray you. I only want to understand. I promise." He leaned in closer to me but I was too self aware and on the nerve of a massive aneurism to allow myself to look into his face. He was trying to get closer to me and I didn't understand why. Was he just curious about me? Or did he actually care? But for the life in me, I didn't have the courage to ask him out rightly, and more than that I was so deathly afraid and insecure that if I _did_ ask, the answer would be unfavorable.

"But why?" I braved a glance at him then. His was tender in his eyes and I thought I saw real concern in them. The proximity of his face was unfair however and he did that a lot lately. I ought to have kissed him just to get him to back off in shock. That would have served him right….and me, definitely me. One thing was for certain though, he was barking up the wrong tree in getting me to admit to the truth about what happened with Charlie and me that day. What the hell would he think if he knew the truth? That I was a freak, that's what and this _friendship_ he insisted on would suffer the effects of his repulsion.

"You won't understand anyway. Even_ I_ don't understand it."

"Then maybe talking about it might help us both understand. Whatever it is, it's too heavy for you. I see it all the time. And today... today was scary. I didn't like seeing you like that and I heard you call his name, your dad's. It has to mean something."

So he _did _hear me call Charlie's name. I relaxed my hands in his and allowed my fingers to open so that I could hold his, testing the way it felt to give in to his demands but I still couldn't find the courage to explain it to him and I shook my head in refusal.

"You're scared to talk about it. Why?"

"Because you'll think I'm a freak Edward," I blurted out as my aggravation started to get the better of me. I turned my eyes over to his and tried to send him a message with my eyes to please stop, but his fingers still held on to mine. "And all this," I retorted, raising our beautifully clasped hands in the air between us. "Whatever this is...this _friendship_. It will die because you won't know how to deal with it."

But he didn't back down so easily. He only squeezed my hands tighter and pulled them into his lap. I was painfully aware of every single thing he did, every touch, the _way_ he touched, the number of times and where.

"Let _me_ decide what I can and cannot deal with. I've had my fair share of fucked up scenarios too. I think I can cope."

He wasn't making it easy. He argued everything I threw at him and very convincingly too. I didn't know how to get out of it. I bent my head again, feeling drained all of a sudden from the day's pressure and suddenly the sanctuary of my bed didn't seem like such a bad idea after all. Esme was right.

And then he gave me a reason to end it once and for all, the final shove. He held my chin between his index and thumb and raised my face up to his, and not stopping there, he very tenderly brushed the hair out of my face with his fingers, stroking my cheek in the process before he tucked it all behind my ear. I literally stopped breathing. I knew what would come next if I didn't stop him. He would have dragged his fingers down the entire length of my hair and it would have sent tingles up to my scalp. And seeing that my other hand was still enclosed in his, the cumulative effect of everything would have made me close my eyes in pleasure and tilt my head up to his in the hope that he would bend over and claim my lips finally.

And how ashamed I would have been when instead he'd let go of my hand and my hair completely and straighten his back in the realization that I had in fact, misread his affection.

So I took control of the situation and tore my hand out of his and ferociously folded my arms across my chest. Finally, some empowerment.

"What are you trying to do to me Edward?" I demanded. He looked taken aback. His mouth was slightly parted like he was about to say something but changed his mind, and frowned instead.

My God! He was confused! He really didn't know what I was talking about! What a horrible, one sided mess.

"This," I retorted, shoving my hands back and forth between us. "Are you always this friendly with your female friends? Do you stroke their cheeks and touch their hair and hold their hands that way? Because if you do, it's cruel." He had to have known how gorgeous he was and how susceptible the weaker sex was when it came to matters of the heart. We just weren't built for that kind of platonic plane when it came to creatures like Edward Cullen.

"I'm sorry," he responded, looking a bit offended by my outburst. "I was trying to make it easy for you to talk to me."

Hello! How was any of _that_ going to make it easy for me to talk to him? Talking was the_ last_ thing I wanted to do when he was that close to me.

"You don't even realize do you?" I pressed on. "Or maybe you do and you don't care."

"What are you talking about?" He demanded.

"You can't be that dense about the effect you have on girls Edward."

He was still confused.

"I'd rather not talk about girls in general right now. Let's keep this about you please."

And so I pushed and I pushed until he was furious with me. I confronted him about Rosalie and I confronted him about Tanya and he hated it. The rage in his eyes was daunting and I almost retracted everything and begged for his forgiveness, right then and there, but I pushed that insecurity to the back and committed to my plan. I didn't actually believe any of the things I said to him, but I needed him to have a reason to want to stay away from me for a while. Just long enough for me to get over him.

At one point I came dangerously close to getting what I thought I wanted when he eluded to the fact that he would forget our friendship if it was so hard for me. He had said:

"If it's such a goddamned issue, fuck it."

I panicked immediately as he said it and I almost chickened out. Hearing him get to the point of no return so quickly scared me because a part of me wanted to hear him to argue why he thought I _was_ overreacting and why he thought we _should_ be friends. But he didn't. He gave in too easily and it pissed me off. I went straight through the roof then.

"So that's it? Just like that?!"

"What the fuck do you want from me?" I hated what I appeared to be in his eyes then. I was the irrational, unglued girl throwing a hissy fit, confusing him and pushing him away. And I shouldn't have been upset by it because it's what I needed him to think so that he would back off a little. The fire in his eyes made the green more vivid than ever, resembling liquid, concentrated pools of kryptonite. I shuffled backward insecurely, though not wanting to back down

I wanted to hate him so badly, but instead I ended up wanting him more. And suddenly I was tired of it all; tired of stressing out about everything, tired of worrying about Charlie and of upsetting Esme all the time. But most of all it was Charlie who stressed me out the most. I was consumed with my worry for him and hurt because he was pushing me away when I was the only one on his side and that felt like betrayal to me. Right at that point, everything culminated in my head and I exploded in an embarrassing and confusing rant about everything all at once. The thing about it was though, he didn't even get mad right away. He actually saw through it and found the source of my internal struggle, Charlie. He took one small step toward me and his eyes softened as he asked me about it.

The conversation was kind of a blur after that. I got temporarily tangled and lost in my own web of mental chaos and despair and my answers to him were just sort of reflex to whatever he said, until he managed to slap me right out of my mental com with his ensuing rebuttal. I couldn't even remember half the things I had said to him.

"You're spoilt and you're blind. You grieve for your father like it's the end of the fucking world. I see how you lament him and the way your eyes look like you've been crying too much over him. And you're _blind_, because you still – have - the - man. He's still fucking alive over there in Phoenix. Still in your life. You don't know the first thing about really losing someone. You think you lost your father to this divorce? Because a few fucking thousand miles were thrust between you? Try losing him to death Bella! Try living with the kind of grief that flushes your soul of everything humane. Try losing your grip on who you're supposed to be, like a zombie day in and day for years. The most important part of you just taken away like fucking that. Try that! And _then _come back and lecture me about all the shit I'm doing wrong in my life."

He floored me with that, and I deserved it, for lashing out at him the way I did because I was too weak to manage my escalating attraction to him. But at least it was over. I had accomplished what I set out to do. Edward would stay away from me now and it would be for the best. Or at least, now I had the best reason of all to stay away from him. And the saddest part of it was that I didn't think it would hurt as much as it did.

I ran away from him after one last outburst at him, though I had nowhere to run to. The halls, the walls and the furniture all buzzed by in a rapid blur and I almost knocked over a person in my flight. She looked like a housekeeper or something. I'd never seen her before.

The air on the outside tasted great and I actually appreciated the cold air on my wet, steaming face.

Feeling pathetic and rightfully defeated, I slumped to the floor against his car and proceeded to bawl my eyes out. From then on, the sight of the car I sobbed against would fill my heart with wrought nostalgia instead of the fluttering butterflies whenever I laid eyes on it in the parking lot at school.

The urge to run back into the house and throw myself into his arms and beg for his forgiveness was strong, but how could I, after what I'd just done? Pride would have to suffice instead.

Not long after he was at my side. His voice was low and sullen as he apologized, but I felt like it was more of a reflexive action more than anything else. Why should he have to apologize for the way he felt? He had an innate right to his feelings.

The drive home was hard. I wanted to say so many things to him but I was afraid that I had already done so much damage that I kept quiet. I owed him at least that much. Calm after the storm. When he spoke first outside of my house, my pores raised, especially because the tone in his voice came across so sincere and almost….hurt. My heart screamed his name with every recurring beat in the realization that he was apologizing again.

"Bella, really I'm sorry. I was an ass. I_ am_ an ass. There's no excuse for what I said. I don't deserve it, but I hope you'll forgive me. I didn't realize that….about your dad, I mean. I'm sorry."

And at the flip of a hat, he had me again, right in the clutches of his magnanimity and I knew that it wouldn't have been right to let him apologize alone when I was the real culprit.

"I said some pretty horrible things to you too," I admitted to him. "You were trying to be nice to me and I panicked. I'm sorry about that. I really am. I shouldn't have judged your character in that way. I didn't even mean any of it. I don't really think those things about you Edward. I was just trying to push you away." And it felt really good to get part of the truth out there.

"Still. I hurt you and I hate myself for that more than you'll know. I was out of line with what I said about your dad and I understand if you don't want to be around me anymore."

And the blows just kept on coming.

"That's the second time today that you've tried to say good bye to me." And who could blame him? Wasn't it what I wanted? Wasn't that the point? His eyes blazed into mine tenderly and he looked tortured. A fresh set of tears pricked at my eyelids and it was too hard to suffocate them in.

"Good night Edward," I whispered as the horrific reality of what I had done settled over me. In more ways than one and though I hated to admit it, it had to have meant at the same time…good bye.


	17. Chapter 17 Broken

Song for this Chapter – _Walking on Broken Glass_ by Annie Lennox. Does anyone know how and if it's possible to attach mp3's to a chapter?

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**Chapter 17 - Broken **

The next few days were excruciating. You know that saying be careful what you wish for, you just might get it?

It's true.

Immediately after I'd achieved the unthinkable and pushed Edward away I regretted it. I tried to fool myself into thinking that it was better that way and that it was impossible for us to be friends because of the way I felt about him; but in spite of that, the distance between us got harder and harder to deal with every passing day. Wednesday didn't surprise me. I saw his car in the lot when we pulled up and he was leaning against it with Jasper. Alice bounced her way over to Jasper like she usually did and the three of them walked into school together. Edward never so much as glanced my way.

Have you ever felt nostalgia so poignant that you swore your heart was on the verge of gangrene? Before long, an inconvenient ache set itself permanently inside the cavity of my chest, and it didn't matter where I went, what I did or who I spoke to, it perpetuated itself and never went away. It was already too late and I had smashed our friendship not a day too soon. Edward Cullen had managed to consume my being completely.

I walked through the halls absentmindedly and went to all my classes. The period just before lunch every day was taut with anxiety as I anticipated seeing him at lunch. But he never came to the cafeteria and once again I was the one left with my eyes out everywhere in search of his bronze, bent head and lazy amble. I knew he was in school however, because every morning I saw his car and then I'd see him enter the school with Jasper and Alice or sometimes with Emmett and Rosalie. And being the odd man out was never lonelier, even for someone with acute reclusive tendencies. Sure enough Alice and Jasper became an item like she predicted, sufficiently adding to my growing discomfort and obvious misfit at the lunch table. Between Emmett and Rosalie's constant bodily contact with Alice and Jasper following in close second, I was on the verge of suffering a very serious meltdown. The constant nose rubbing, finger wrestling and suggestive giggling very nearly made me hurl right there on the lunch table every day, all over every body's lunch. On all three days for the rest of that week, my eyes worked on overtime duty, scouring the cafeteria for any sign of Edward. When I walked the halls I looked for him and when I sat in my classes I gazed out of the window hoping to catch a glance of him walking across the quad to the other side of campus. But the only times I ever saw him were in the mornings by his car and after school…by his car. The sucky thing was that I knew he was avoiding me on purpose and I knew it was because he was giving me what I wanted.

_Wanted_…..past tense.

I had a conversation with Charlie on Thursday afternoon. He called_ me_ this time. I had tried him again the day before, on Wednesday, but the nurse answered instead and said that he was indisposed and couldn't come to the phone. I wasn't surprised that he didn't take the call. Being evasive was his new thing and it made me feel like the plague. Both he and Edward were avoiding me at the same time and nothing ever sucked more until then. When I answered his call on Thursday and heard his voice, it felt like my heart would burst from relief. He was quiet and he was sober and I never wanted to run to him more than I did then so that I could bury my face in his chest and bawl my eyes out like a child.

"Hello," I answered my cell.

"Hey Bells," he said. It was so good to hear from him.

"Dad," I smiled. "Hey."

"How are you honey?" He asked.

"Surviving. And you?"

"Same."

And then we paused, needing to talk about the obvious almost death incident he had, but neither of us knowing where to start.

"I know you're upset," he sighed. "I don't exactly know what to say except that I'm sorry about everything. I know what I'm putting you through and I hate myself for it."  
"You're not _doing_ anything to me intentionally Charlie," I groaned. "Please, you mustn't think like that."

"I know that you felt it Bella."

"Are you surprised?" I snorted.

"I guess not, but I kinda hoped that it...it would be different now that you're far away. I thought the distance would…"

"Why would it be different? Do you want it to be different? I don't think that's a good idea. That's like giving you a free ticket to self destruct. Sometimes I think that if it weren't for this thing that happens to us, you would just let go completely and allow yourself to wither away."

"It doesn't matter what happens to me but I can't keep hurting you like this Bella."

"Then stop hurting yourself and I'll be fine. And of course it matters what happens to you. What the hell are you talking about?" Though I felt myself becoming upset, I lacked the energy to put any passion into the fight. It all came out of me in a blunt, matter of fact tone.

"I know that Esme told you to avoid me. Is that what you've been doing?"

He sighed deeply and paused.

"Not exactly," he responded then.

"Then what's going on? Why are you avoiding me?"

"Bella, I was the one that called your mom …."  
"I don't understand."

"As much I love you and I think that what we have is unique and sort of …special, it's not fair to you, or to me for that matter and I don't like worrying about everything I do and how it's gonna affect you. You have no idea how terrifying that is."

"It never bothered you like this before?"

"That's because it was never this bad before."

"So what you're trying to tell me is that _you_ called Mom and told her all this?"

"Yes. I was the one that told her that you and I should stay out of contact for a while, just to see if ….things would change. To see if it would help."

I never expected that, _least_ of all from him. I thought it was selfish of him to decide something like that for me without talking to me first. He knew how much I depended on talking to him regularly and all of a sudden he expected me to just accept the fact that he needed to avoid me for a while….on the account of making things easier for_ him_…so that _he_ wouldn't have to deal with the burden of being attached to me the way we were.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," I lashed out at him. "Just like I told mom, when you guys think you're doing something for my own good, it only makes things worse. Charlie, I'm probably at one of the lowest points in my life right now, and you choose now to stay away from me, now that I need you more than ever before. My depression might actually be a _clinical_ at this point and all you can think about is freeing yourself of this burden that's me."

"The burden isn't you Bella, it's being worried about you all the time."

"I know what it's like to worry about somebody 24/7 in case you haven't noticed, and I never _once_ thought about ostracizing you just to make it easier on myself."

He sighed again. "Yes, you might be the most selfless person I know, but you have to understand that I'm also looking out for you in all this. You are my life Bella and there's no one else I love more dearly than you right now. You may not understand now, but giving us some space will work to our benefit. You worry way too much about me. It's not healthy."

"I'll tell you what's not healthy Charlie…not healthy is drinking the way you do and…."

"What's not _healthy_," he interrupted me. "Is falling asleep on the phone every night, listening to me while crying yourself to sleep. That is _not_ ok with me Bella."

"I'm sorry…I can stop…I can"

"Wait. I don't know how it works or how to stop what happens, but I'm done with hurting you," his voice trailed off. "I need to go away for a while."

I sat up swiftly in confused disarray but with the slightest bit of hope that perhaps he was referring to rehab. The best news would have been that he agreed to go to rehab. I squeezed my fingers around my cell expectantly waiting for him to tell me what I needed him to say. If he went to rehab, I wouldn't worry about him so much and maybe that might make it easier to let go of him with my mind. I would give him his space willingly if I knew he was getting professional help, but leaving him alone to fend for himself with a rapidly developing drinking problem, hadn't worked out for him so far, and no matter what he or Esme said, I could not and would not sit around idly and let him hurt himself repeatedly. Intervention was needed.

"I'm leaving Phoenix. I don't know where I'm going yet, but…"

"I thought the rehab clinic was in Phoenix?"

"Rehab? Bella…..they're not getting me to go to rehab. Least of all your mother."

"But Charlie," I pleaded even though I knew pleading wouldn't help. "Don't you think you need to go rehab? If you don't agree they will try to declare you unfit to take care of yourself and admit you forcefully."

"They can try," he gritted through clenched teeth. "But I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, whether any of you believe it or not."

"Is that why you're leaving Phoenix? So that they won't be able to find you? You're running away?"

"I need a vacation."

"And why didn't you tell me that you lost your job. Are you gonna lose the house? Is that why you have to leave?"

"God Bella!" He complained. I knew I was bombarding him, pushing him too much, but it had been so long since I'd really spoken to him and there were just too many unanswered questions in my head. He was leaving and I just knew he wouldn't tell me where he was going, nor would he answer his phone.

What an epic disaster. So much for going back to Phoenix to help him out and I figured that this was the last time I'd be speaking to him for God only knew how long. This was his good bye call and the grimness of the realization settled over me like a dark, looming shadow, refracting every glint of light far away from me.

"Charlie, are you going to tell me where you're going? You can't just disappear. Do you have any idea what that will do to me?" The panic was very real and though I tried to mask it for fear of scaring him away prematurely, I couldn't help the way I sounded.  
"Bella. I'll be fine and so will you."

I started crying uncontrollably. "Charlie, you can't just leave like that! That's not fair."

"Bella, You have to let me go."

"No I won't! I wish everybody would just stop telling me to let you go! I wish somebody could understand what this_ feels_ like! You're punishing me for loving you too much?!"

"I'm not trying to punish you…"

"Well that's what it feels like! Am I even gonna get to talk to you again? You're never going to answer my calls. I know it!"

"It will put you in danger Bella."

"_How?!"_

"You can't know where I'm going because you're the first person they will interrogate once they've realized I'm gone."

"I won't tell anyone I promise," I would have said anything then to get him to let me in, anything to get him to tell me, anything to get him to stay, anything to get him to send for me so that I could join him. God! I grieved for him like it was the end of the goddamned world and there he was trying to sever his ties to me. How could my life get any worse.

"Bella. I'll call you from time to time."

"No you won't," I cried in gushing, torrential tears. "You'll be drunk and sick all the time. You won't eat properly and every time you get a head ache I'll know. Every time you hurt yourself, I'll know. Every time you suffer something because of your self destructive nature…I will know."

"Are you trying to haunt me?! Is that it? It doesn't matter. The distance will make it better."

"No it won't. No matter where you go or how far away you'll be in my head and I'll know every time you're in trouble."

"Bella. What the hell are you trying to do. That's unfair."

"Unfair to who! It's not like I can help it!"

"To the _both _of us," he pleaded. His frustration with me was scalding, but what the hell did he expect of me anyway?

_Sure Dad, you go and drink yourself into a stupor every night, in some remote location where no one will be able to find you or help you when you're in trouble; and me? I'll just sit here patiently and wait for you to come to your senses, sober up someday and give me a call. That's if you don't die first by the way. Yeah – let's do that. _

Hell freaking no.

"You want to be free of me don't you?" I sobbed harder.

"Never. I never want to be free of you. You are the dearest person to me. I want to be free of my own demons. And that's an awful long battle I have to face and I don't want you in my head when I face them. Isn't that reasonable enough to understand?"

I sucked in a mouthful of air and let out a staggering breath.

"Missing you so much hurts," I cried.

"I know. I'm hurting too. That's why I'm in this mess in the first place."

"I can't stop you can I?"

"No."

"Then promise you'll call me," I begged because it was the best I could hope for at that point and I hated that the ball was left in his court.

"I promise."

"_Promise_ me Charlie," I warned him, boring a hole into my t-shirt with my clawing finger nails.

"You'll hear from me. Look I'll call you before I leave. I love you. Good bye."

And he hung up without waiting for me to respond.

I balled myself up on my bed after that and sobbed like a piteous thing. And it seemed that so much that mattered to me had gone awfully wrong.

On Friday evening I locked myself in my room and didn't come out all night. Alice invited me to go out with her and Jasper, but I declined. She didn't try to force me to go, party because she was positively glowing with new love and all that crap. I'd probably be a downer anyway. The thought of being around them and all their gooey petting and dreamy staring made me cringe. A nice evening of seclusion was all I could hope for, curled up with a good book and some music.

Esme knocked on my door a few times to get me to come out, but I refused to let her in.

"I just need to be alone mom. Please. I'll be ok."

Saturday came and went and so did half of Sunday but by then Esme was on the verge of breaking my door down in a furious panic and so I had to let her in.

"I will Bella. I'll smash it right to the floor if you don't open it right now!"

And so I dragged myself off my bed and opened the door.

"Bella. What is the meaning of this?"

I turned away from her and went back to my book on the bed.

"Nothing. I'm just tired."

"You're a mess," she accused. "You haven't eaten. You need a shower and your skin is an awful shade of pallor. What _is_ the matter with you?"

Reading was impossible with her wailing over my head, so I tossed the book, curled up in a ball and pulled the covers over my head.

"Have you been crying and sleeping all this time? Your eyes are red and you have dark circles."

"Gee Mom, I'm so glad I let you in," I groaned from under the covers. "Wasn't it obvious that I was reading?"

Her voice grew unsteady and she gently pulled at the covers to reveal my face.

"I'm taking you to a doctor."

"I already know my diagnosis. Perpetual disappointment."

"Bella. It's clinical depression and we need to get you to a doctor before it gets any worse."

I sighed and pulled the covers back over my head. "I really think I'll be fine in a day or two mom."

"A day or two? Do you know how much can happen in a day or two? Your appointment is tomorrow at 10am."

I sprang up in the bed too quickly and almost blacked out from the pressure in my head. It was the fastest I'd moved since Friday. My stomach hurt from air pockets and my head spun. I had to lie back down and wait for it to go away before I could open my eyes again.

"Mom, I can't miss school."

"You can miss a day of school to attend to your health. I'm bringing you lunch now and you better eat all of it before I schedule an additional appointment with a dietician as well."

Of course, I couldn't eat more than half of what she brought for me. The pasta and grilled chicken weren't bad, but my stomach cramped so much and the food only compounded the pain. After about four labored mouthfuls I pushed the plate away. I took a shower afterward then returned to bed. This time I opted for my ipod instead of reading. As the music rang through my ears, I thought about Edward.

Worse than feeling estranged from him was catching glimpses of him in school though never actually getting the opportunity to see him properly. He avoided our lunch table every day since our fight, but if there was one good thing that came out of all if it, it was that Tanya and Victoria hadn't bothered me all week. They never even so much as looked in my direction the few times I saw them. Above it all however, there was one nerve wrecking impending fact that hovered at the back of my head.

How the hell would I make it through bio next Tuesday? And what the hell were we going to do about our assignment? It certainly was a pickle.

Well, not entirely. It actually was a lot simpler than I made it out to be. I'd just have to finish my part on my own and so would he, then we'd just combine the parts after. That would make things a hell of a lot easier. And as for sitting next to him in class? Well….a convenient headache or stomach flu to maybe get me excused from class??

I rolled over restlessly onto my stomach and rested my chin on my folded arms with the ipod in my ears. I couldn't run from him. That would be pathetic. How could I have wanted this for myself?

I had worried that the death of our friendship would be the result of him finding out about Charlie and me, when _I_ was the one that managed to axe it quite successfully and all on my own. But alas, and regardless of the reason, I really _did_ lose him and it was something I would have to come to terms with sooner rather than later. This distance would be uneasy for a while, but eventually I knew the clamp around my heart would slacken and we would become strangers or acquaintances again and all the confusion and missing and broken heartedness would be nothing but a vague thing of the past.

Someday….but that day wasn't today.

Charlie had said to me that I was the most selfless person he knew and when I remembered it, I burrowed my face into my pillow. What an alteration of the truth. What I did to Edward wasn't selfless. It was selfish because I had my own interests at heart and all I could think about was my inability to cope with the pressure of my feelings for him and my fear that he wouldn't reciprocate. I hadn't once thought about what he would feel like to lose a friend over such deprecating circumstances. This was me paying for my sins and I deserved every painful inkling of it.

As I thought about that, it took me back to Charlie. I accused Charlie of doing to me the very same thing I did to Edward. I severed my ties to him because I didn't want to deal with the truth of my feelings; and that's exactly what Charlie was trying to do as well.

Sunday night I made more of an effort with myself. I turned on my light and paced around my room a bit, trying to muster the motivation to get some work done on my bio assignment. And while I paced, the music played through the chords of my ipod, with song standing out above the rest. I played it over and over until I knew all the lyrics by heart. _Walking on Broken Glass_ by Annie Lennox.

_You were the sweetest thing that I ever knew  
But I don't care for sugar honey if I can't have you  
Since you've abandoned me  
My whole life has crashed  
Won't you pick the pieces up  
'cause it feels just like I'm walking on broken glass_

Walking on walking on broken glass

The sun's still shining in the big blue sky  
But it don't mean nothing to me  
Oh let the rain come down  
Let the wind blow through me  
I'm living in an empty room  
With all the windows smashed  
And I've got so little left to lose  
That it feels just like I'm walking on broken glass

Walking on walking on broken glass

And if you're trying to cut me down  
You know that I might bleed  
Cause if you're trying to cut me down  
I know that you'll succeed  
And if you want to hurt me  
There's nothing left to fear  
Cause if you want to hurt me  
You're doing really well my dear

Now everyone of us was made to suffer  
Everyone of us was made to weep  
But we've been hurting one another  
And now the pain has cut too deep...  
So take me from the wreckage  
Save me from the blast  
Lift me up and take me back  
Don't let me keep on walking...  
Walking on broken glass

The only part in the song that made me raise my eyebrows laughingly was the part about the big blue sky.

Big blue sky in Forks? Yeah right. Forget the Forks' weather report, the only thing big and blue was my mood and there certainly was no sun shining up in there. I went through the entire night at my desk with my texts and laptop fiercely going at that assignment and welcoming the constructive distraction it offered. By 3am I was done. I was really sleepy by the time I had finished so I turned in for a few hours of restless sleep before my dreaded doctor appointment the next morning.

That night I dreamt of both Edward and Charlie. Charlie's back was all I saw and he was walking away from me. Edward was at my side, but his face was turned away. I pulled on Edward's arm and begged him to run after Charlie with me but he wouldn't answer or look at me, as if he didn't know I was right there next to him. I moved over in front of him and turned his face to me with my hands, forcing him to look at me and even when I could see into his face clearly and his eyes were looking into mine, they were dead and cold and just staring right through me. I shuddered and recoiled from him. His skin was so cold and so hard. He had lost his warmth and the passion in his eyes had died. I opened my mouth to tell him I was sorry for making him cold, sorry for making him hard toward me, but my voice evaded me and all I did was stare. He raised his hand then and pointed to where Charlie was disappearing, drawing my attention to my leaving father, or maybe he was diverting my stare away from his face. When I looked back I saw that Charlie was already gone and when I turned to see Edward again, he was gone too. And I was alone. I spun around anxiously to catch a glimpse of either of them, but to no avail. I was alone.

When I opened my eyes it was morning already and the moment I realized that I was conscious, I broke into tears. I had no idea what the time was or when Esme would come calling, so I just lay there letting my tears roll down my face and everywhere and waited for her to show. Eventually she materialized at my side with lines of worry on her face worse than the day before. I probably really looked awful because I felt like ten different kinds death had slaughtered my spirit. I needed help, but not the kind of help she gave me by taking me to the shower and assisting with my clothes. I needed help to shake off the perpetual despondency, the depression that I wasn't so sure was clinical anymore. Somehow I figured it was genetic, because Charlie was the same way.

Genetic depression. If ever it was possible, it existed in me.

"Can you do it yourself?" She asked gently as she held out my pants.

I nodded and took them from her. She waited at my side for any sign that I might need her help, but I waved her off and did it myself.

"I'll be downstairs. Meet me when you're done," her eyes were hollow and drained. I hated the way I hurt her but I didn't know how to fix it – any of it. My only plan was to take one day at a time, one hurdle at a time, one wound at a time.

On the way to the doctor's office I thought about Edward in school and if he would realize that I wasn't there. Would he wonder what happened and ask Alice? Or would he turn a blind eye like he did in the last week and pretend like I didn't exist. I gazed out of the window. The glare was harsh on my eyes.

We pulled up in front of a flat building with a parking lot that had only five spots, two of which were already taken. I stared at the front door forlornly, despondent about talking to some shrink about the things I had vowed never to talk about.

Ugh! Of all the humiliating things. I had already made up my mind stubbornly that certain things were out of bounds, but if I was honest with myself, with the way I felt, that was pretty much everything.

When we opened the door, I was surprised to see Dr. Cullen there.

"Esme hi," he said to her and offered to take her coat. The very subtle intimacy was not lost on me and I saw Esme relax the moment he materialized.

"Bella," he said to me next, his eyes were gentle and knowing and I glanced at Esme suspiciously, hoping she didn't tell the man the truth about me.

"What are you, the only doctor in Forks?" I said to him.

He chuckled, not taking my comment to heart. "No, but I _know_ all the doctors in Forks, no matter their specialization. The one you're going to see today is Dr. Black. He's very young but also impossibly genius and he's also the only therapist we have in Forks."

"Lovely," I droned. "No second opinion for me then."

Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder and guided me forward.

"He'll see you now," he smiled. "Your mom and I will wait out here."

I shot Esme another suspicious. "You're not coming in with me?"

"I think you'd be more comfortable if you were alone honey," she answered. Her breathing was unsteady and I saw her eyes shift restlessly between Carlisle's and mine. I could tell that she expected me to try to back out and rebel and I wanted to, many times, but I didn't have the energy to fight anymore.

I walked through the small door to the doctor's office. He was seated behind a large mahogany desk with his dark head bent over some papers, writing something. Without even looking up, he spoke to me.

"Have a seat Ms. Swan. I'm almost done here." He _was_ young. He looked like he was in his mid twenties and he had long black hair that was pulled into a pony tail. His face was bronze and when he raised it, I saw that his eyes were just as dark as his hair. He was also remarkably large and the way he towered over the table even as he sat, made me slightly uncomfortable. He sent me a friendly smile and pushed his chair back so he could stand. He was easily six and a half feet.

"I thought they said you're a shrink?" I said to him nonchalantly.

"I am," he smiled as he walked around his desk to sit in a single chair adjacent to mine.

"No offense, but you look more like a witch doctor…a body building witch doctor."

He laughed liberally when I said that and it made me like him instantly. His charisma was fetching and it easily stood at odds with his appearance.

"Well, I've heard that before," he smiled. "I might actually be related to a few witch doctors, if any of the old stories about my family are true. My name is Jacob Black," he said leaning forward with a sly grin. He had winked after the part about his probable witch doctor ancestors.

I raised one eyebrow and tiled my chin up to the side. It wouldn't be the most outrageous thing in the world if that were true. He laughed again at my expression.

"I'm kidding with you," he said. "I'm from a Quileute tribe. That would explain the look of me. I've been away for a few years studying and I only just returned to work here."

"You fresh out of medical school," I stated bluntly. Like how the hell was he supposed to fix me with zero experience?

"Perhaps."

"You live in Forks?"

"Not really. I live on the Quileute Reservation not far from Forks. But this is not about me Ms. Swan. It's about you today."

"It's Bella," I said shortly.

"Bella it is," he answered, writing something on his notepad.

"I'm not obsessive or anything," I said quickly, noticing the way he wrote after I answered him. "I just like when people call me Bella. My dad likes Bella too."

But I really was kind of obsessive and I knew it.

"That's fine Bella," he said smilingly.

We spent an hour in there. Him asking questions that had absolutely nothing to do with what was going on in my life and me answering them as best as I could, trying my best not to give too much away about myself. I didn't need therapy, I just needed time and I needed to be left alone. Esme freaked out way too easily.

He wrote an awful lot while we talked but the session wasn't too bad, though it wasn't _easy_ either. I hated feeling like I was obligated to let this stranger into my thoughts when I wouldn't even let the people I cared about know how deeply I hurt. When time was up, we stood and we shook hands and the size of him caught me off guard again. He really was very large and strong, but his eyes were remarkably gentle and friendly.

Dr. Black- the gentle giant.

When I walked outside, Esme and Carlisle stood simultaneously. Carlisle walked over to Dr. Black and they spoke quietly in a corner while Esme hugged me.

"Are you ok?"

"Yes," I answered flippantly. "I was always fine. I just like to be left alone."

She frowned disbelievingly and dismissed my answer.

"You know, Dr. Cullen didn't have to stay here," I told Esme with a brief glance across at the good doctor.

She glanced at me uncomfortably and then forced a smile. "He's very concerned about you Bella, especially after last Tuesday and because you're Edward's friend. Besides, you're his patient."

_Because I was Edward's friend. _

So did that mean that if I told him that his son and I weren't friends anymore, he would stop insisting that he pay such close attention to my health?

"Do all of his patients get this kind of specialized treatment?" I rolled my eyes.

She shot me an impatient look. "No, but then, they aren't all as complicated as you are either, are they?"

"That was harsh Esme," I retorted, looking over again at the two doctors speak.

"Bella, I hate it when you call me Esme."

"I know," I answered her flatly. "Did you tell Dr. Cullen about.....Charlie and me?"

Her eyes looked abject then and she glanced away from me.

"No," she sighed. "But Bella, sooner or later...."

"Later rather than sooner, please."

She nodded.

"I'll be outside," I said and I walked out alone, relieved that at least for now, my secret was still safe.


	18. Chapter 18 Out of the Wreckage

**Chapter 18 **

**Out of the Wreckage**

Bed rest I didn't mind after all. It meant that I would be left alone. I stared at the ceiling with my ipod in my ears and mouthed the words of _Walking on Broken Glass_ like a million times without ever getting tired of it, feeling like the reason the lyrics existed at all was because someone else out there in the world had felt like I did at some point and was able to put it into words. I felt a little bit more empowered every time I hit replay.

All day long, since leaving Dr. Black's office, I had the vaguest hint of Charlie's gap in my head accompanied by a nagging hurting sensation in both my chest and head. I knew Charlie was suffering too from all the stress in his life. Having to run away couldn't have been an easy decision to make and though I knew that I made him feel worse about it, I still didn't agree with what he planned to do.

I stared at the ceiling for hours, listening to music, thinking about them both, not feeling very tired at all and then the faint sound of clicking, or maybe it was tapping, started boring its way through the music in my ears. At first it was too distant to draw my immediate attention, but when I realized the tapping sounds had lasted through three songs, I realized it couldn't have been a part of any of them. With a perplexed frown and perked ears, I tugged the ear pieces out of my ears and scanned the room with my eyes. And then I heard it again, much louder that time.

I pushed myself up into a seated position on my bed, completely disoriented and listened for it again.

_Click…tap..tap._

Someone was throwing stones at my goddamned window. I got off the bed hesitantly and dragged my socked feet to the window frame. It was impossible to see anything through the curtain and the closed window, so I parted the curtains with my hands just in time to see a pebble clash with the glass, perfectly in line with my face. Had the window been open, it would have clashed with my face instead.

"What the hell?"

Very slowly I pulled the window up, then stuck my hands out through it, making sure to keep the rest of me safely inside, and waved in signal to whoever it was throwing stones to stop before I stuck my head out and collected one right between the eyes.

"Bella," I heard my name being hissed from down below. I stuck my head out in shock and if it wasn't for my gripping on to the frame against my hips, I most certainly would have fallen out head first with the speed at which I pushed myself out through the open space.

That could _not_ be Edward Cullen standing beneath my window throwing stones at it. My dreams were never that good. I squinted down at him for a second, then pulled my head back in hastily to spin around and check my surroundings for any sign that I was in fact awake.

"Bella!" He hissed again. I popped my head out again and allowed my eyes to feast on the face that haunted me mercilessly for the past week. He was in fact, glorious as always and waving something over his head at me. Nostalgia ripped through me at an insane speed and I had to smile down at him in sheer joy. The sight of him was immaculate and under the spell of his stare and I was suddenly ready to dispel all the stupid issues I had about being his friend. The moment I looked down at him I knew to myself that I would have preferred having Edward as a friend than not at all. I would take the torture of suppressing my intense desire for him and whatever agony that went along with it, over the torment of being ignored by him totally and missing him the way I did. The latter was worse and I had known what both sides of the coin felt like.

"What are you doing here?" I called down in a loud whisper.

"I brought you something," he answered.

"But it's 12:30," I giggled.

"It couldn't wait. You didn't come to school today and I really needed to give you this." He waved the flat, square object over his head and with his free hand he shoved some his own hair out of his eyes.

_Hmm, the sight of him_.

"How am I going to get it?" I leaned out more, thoroughly enjoying the whole _boy at my window scene_ in the middle of the night. If he'd had his guitar...mmm, on second thought, maybe not. The attention that would have drawn would have spoiled it and I wanted this to be just him and me.

There was no way for him to climb up to my window, with no convenient tree or lattice to help. Why would the gods bless me with_ that_ kind of favor right? No, I would have to do things the long and conventional way. It would have taken some kind of supernatural powers to get him up that wall through my window and in the absence of that, the traditional front door method would have to suffice.

_Yay for the real world._

"Get down here," he suggested with a grin. How could I ever resist anything he wanted of me? I glanced back at my closed door and bit down on my bottom lip feverishly. I would have to tip toe through the corridor, down the stairs and open the front door very, _very_ gently. I pushed my head back out into the night and nodded at him emphatically, feeling positively giddy and girlie right then. I couldn't remember the last time I felt butterflies tickle my insides like that. The discomfort I had carried all week in my chest was forgotten as I frantically searched for a sweater to throw on over my pajamas. I looked down at my pants and t-shirt briefly and dismissed it. With boots in hand, I tip toed down the dark corridor past Alice's and Esme's bedrooms with socked feet. I made my way successfully down the staircase without a hitch, through the dining area and into the foyer. I stood in the foyer and gaped at the large wooden door that stood between me and the _man boy_ of my dreams, then shoved my feet into my boots clumsily. My heart skipped and fluttered all the while and the rush of adrenaline that shot through my veins warmed my cheeks. I turned the lock on the door quietly and cringed when I opened it and it squeaked faintly. That was _not_ the time to discover any inconvenient squeaking in the goddamned hinges. I wasn't breaking any rule by going outside to Edward, but waking Esme or Alice then would have spoiled the excitement for me as they would have butt their noses in where it didn't belong.

Once the door was opened, he stood up off the front step and turned around to face me. I don't know exactly what it was that overtook me in that moment. Maybe it was the happiness in his face to see me, maybe it was the gentle hello in his eyes, or maybe it was just the sheer beauty of him as he stood there waiting to receive me at thirty five minutes past midnight in the most adorable way; but the next thing I knew I had covered the short distance between us and thrown myself against his chest with the galloping force of ten horses. I threw my arms around his neck carelessly and pressed myself to him, not caring anymore about whether or not, or how, he would respond. All I wanted was to hug him and smell him, and my goodness, he smelled just the same.

He hugged me back immediately, which was surprising. His arms caught me expertly and held me firmly to him, and when he buried his face in my rumpled, sleepy hair and inhaled audibly I almost melted right there against him. Our embrace was taut with pent up emotion on the verge of over spilling and a thousand unspoken words of feeling were communicated between us. I'd never felt safer than I did in his arms and tears of relief almost sprang forth with the way he scrambled me. He sighed heavily against me as he tightened his hold and I returned the gesture, knowing _exactly_ how he felt.

When we finally separated our bodies, he was still smiling at me and the calm in his eyes was a welcoming gift compared to the stony mask of doom he had worn every time I saw him during the past week. He ran his fingers through his hair again then took one of my hands in his, stroked my upturned palm with his finger from one corner to the next, and planted a CD case in the same hand. Still reeling off the giddying effects of what his finger had just done to my hand, I looked down at the gift curiously.

"Music?"

"Just one song," he smiled lazily with a hushed voice and I just knew I was smiling like a fool.

"You came here at this hour to give me a song?" I grinned. It was the most perfect thing he could do after the week I'd had. Well except of course if the song turned out to be angry heavy metal rock with satanic death messages encoded within. That might worry me a bit.

"Yeah," he nodded. "Well this is the first one and …..depending on what you think about it, I have the second one waiting in my car."

I laughed. It sounded adorably bizarre, but it was all very exciting and I enjoyed every moment of the game. I bounced ever so slightly on my heels, only an inch or so away from him.

"Ok," I turned the CD case over in my hand to read, but it didn't say anthing.

"You weren't in school today and I had to give it to you. I didn't want tomorrow to come without you hearing it. It's important." Something serious flashed through his eyes then and he stared into mine with new intensity.

"I'll listen to it as soon as I go up," I promised, trying to match his fervor.

"Alice told me you went to the doctor today?" He asked, pushing his hands into his jeans pockets. "Are you alright?"

I rolled my eyes at him and tried to play it off casually. Alice had such a big mouth. "It's nothing. I'm fine. My mom just worries too much. I'll tell you about it another time."

Fancy _me_ accusing someone else of worrying too much.

He nodded at me then and his lazy smile returned and sure enough my heart ricocheted in clumsy ballet, almost knocking me off my feet.

"Well, it's cold out here," he said with a nod. "Are you coming to school tomorrow?"

I smiled up at him and raised an eyebrow.

"Well…..that depends on the lyrics on here," I held the CD up in front of him teasingly. He nodded playfully and grinned before he tenderly grazed my chin with his thumb and pinched it softly. A concentrated swell of heat spread through my body when he did that and my face flushed. I literally felt the blood rush into my face.

"I'll leave you now," he smiled again and took two steps backward, down the last step and onto our pathway. "I'll wait for you get back inside before I go."

"Good night," I said one last time, unwilling to break the force of his stare, but alas, I had to turn and walk into the house. Once I locked the door, I leaned back against it and pressed the CD to my chest dreamily. It would take a while, if not all night to come down from the high of his euphoria but the CD in my hands called for my attention and I couldn't get to my room soon enough in order to listen to the song. The moment I entered my bedroom again I ran to my window to see if he was still there and with a small pout, I acknowledged that he wasn't. I shut the window quickly, put the blinds back in place, divested myself of the woolen sweater and kicked my boots off in a mad rush. Without hesitation, I jammed the CD into my disk man and sat on the floor in the dark of my room in taut anticipation for the lyrics he chose to give me. I noticed right then that a small piece of paper had fallen out of the CD case when I opened it. I took it and clasped my fingers around it, needing to listen to the song before anything else could happen. Edward had something to say to me and it was in this song. The few seconds of silent prelude before the song started were the longest freaking seconds of my life.

_I curse you time! Work with me! Please!_

And then it began.

_I'm not a perfect person  
There's many things I wish I didn't do  
But I continue learning  
I never meant to do those things to you  
And so I have to say before I go  
That I just want you to know_

_I've found out a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is you_

_I'm sorry that I hurt you  
It's something I must live with everyday  
And all the pain I put you through  
I wish that I could take it all away  
And be the one who catches all your tears  
That's why I need you to hear_

_I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is You  
and the reason is You [x3]_

_I'm not a perfect person  
I never meant to do those things to you  
And so I have to say before I go  
That I just want you to know_

_I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is you_

_I've found a reason to show  
A side of me you didn't know  
A reason for all that I do  
And the reason is you_

Words alone could give no justice to the immense wave of emotion that crippled me while that song played. I knew the song too. It was _The Reason_ by Hoobastank. I was such an emotional freak show. I would have cried in joy and just because I was so deeply touched by his gift to me, but I was so shocked by the gesture and by the sudden and unexpected turn of events and the affection in his touch and gift; that every other emotion came in second. I almost fell in love with Edward Cullen that night, and to this day I'm not sure that I didn't. It could have been that moment or it could have been some other unknown moment in the near future, but one thing was for sure, falling in love was no longer an option, it was imminent. I played that song more times than I'd like to admit, not believing that it was actually happening and that those words were a real message from him to me. It was the perfect way to eradicate everything else that had happened and to rekindle the bond that had started between us.

After replaying the song about 25 times, I remembered the piece of paper still clasped in my hand. I scooted up on to my bed and switched on my bedside lamp to read it. It was a torn page from a notebook and the elegance of his script actually impressed me. I thought boys sucked at penmanship, but apparently I was wrong.

_'Sometimes I'm not very good with words. In fact, I fucking suck at it as you probably already know. It's either hit or miss with me and this was not something I wanted to miss. _

_Please accept this song as a version of my true feelings and if you like it,_ _my own words will be waiting.'_

He _did _say to me that if I liked the first song, he had another CD in his car waiting for me, but what did he mean by his own words? It was all too surreal. I felt trapped in my room. I felt trapped in my body. I wanted to jump and scream and explode all over the walls in sheer excitement. So I took to my feet right there on my bed and jumped up and down with my note in one hand and my disk man in the other, like a four year old on a trampoline. I remembered being on a trampoline with Alice when I was four and she was five. We jumped and scattered like two wild chickens, thrilled to the skies because Charlie had bought us ice cream cones. Back then, it didn't take much to make me want to soar to the heavens on a high. These days however, it took something a lot like a romantic gesture from one Edward Cullen at midnight to do the trick and there wasn't much, if anything, that could compete with that.

Unless of course Edward himself was his gift to me and I would happily have him try to outdo himself anytime. I plunged down onto my pillows, out of breath, after I had managed to work up a sweat and tried not to spontaneously combust. How would I let him know that I liked the song?

Should I simply say, _Edward I loved it, thank you_. Or should I just hug him like I did earlier on? Actions had a way of replacing words beautifully and of being more impactful in certain situations. But it would be awkward to hug him like that in school and I wasn't sure how he felt about PDA.

Discretion was a good idea and two seconds later I had the answer.

With a song. Just like he did.

That way it would be private and just as impactful. It would be the perfect way to respond.

I went to my desk, opened my laptop and began rummaging through my playlist. Everything on my ipod was on my laptop and I also had cases of CDs.

I would have to choose one song and burn a CD like he did, so that the song would stand alone. It wouldn't be right to have it staggered among others because it was too special. It had to stand alone as if there was nothing else in the world but that song and those lyrics in the minutes that it played.

Finally chose the song I wanted to use at 4am. With grainy and itchy eyes, I saved it on my desktop and burned it from my laptop onto a blank CD. Out of the recesses of my mind, a sharp pain tugged at my heart on remembering that it was Charlie that bought me my laptop. He insisted that I get one with a CD burner and even though I argued that I didn't need a burner because I never used one, he insisted and said, '_One day when you use it, you'll smile and remember that your old man told you so.'_

He was right of course, but there was nothing that made me smile about it. It hurt me instead. Instinctively, I shrugged the memory off and forced the grief for Charlie into the back of my mind with the rest of him. I didn't want anything to spoil this for me. These moments for Edward were important and he deserved to have all of my focus on him while burning his CD.

When I was done, I wrote a short note on a torn page just like he had, folded it and tucked it into the case. Before I returned to bed for the last hour or two of night, I placed the CD in my school bag then curled up with my disk man and the note he gave me under my pillow. Pathetic I know, but damned well worth it, and sleep never came as easily as I fell off listening to my song.

--------------------------------

When I opened my eyes a few hours later to a knock on my door, my ears hurt from the head phones that were stuck in them since falling asleep a few hours ago. I yanked them out absently and rubbed my lobes sourly. Alice opened my door and strolled over to my bed, looking regal in her skinny jeans, calf high boots and tight sweater.

"Are you coming to school today?" She asked.

It took me a moment but when I remembered the events that happened during the night, I sprang up in a panic. I flung the covers off my bed and found the disk man then raised my pillow to find his folded note underneath it. With a sigh of ecstatic relief I clutched the note to my chest and beamed up at a curious Alice. It wasn't a dream.

"I'm coming," I smiled and went straight into action. "I'll only be a few minutes."

After I had dressed and ran down stairs with my bag on my back, inside of which held the CD I burned for Edward and my disk man, I hurried half a bowl of cereal down and hugged Esme gingerly. She and Alice exchanged awkward and suspicious glances with each other, though neither of them asked anything. Walking on egg shells again.

I fidgeted the entire way to school, pumping my legs up and down, bobbing my head, pulling at my coat…but nothing made the journey shorter.

"What's with you?" Alice glanced at me out of the corner of her eye.

"Nothing," I responded flippantly. It was hard not to be transparent, but for all the excitement I had bubbling inside of me, I needed to be cool and in control when I saw Edward and gave him his answer on CD. So I tried to focus on steadying the erratic thunder in my chest which should in turn slow my breathing. I certainly had one overworked organ in there. I just might pay for that in my old age – death by tired heart.

"You're excited about something," Alice prodded, smiling mischievously. "Tell me!"

I wanted to, but nothing was certain yet and I didn't want to jinx any of it…and yes, I believed in the jinx. When you had the kind of luck that I was accustomed to, playing with chance and _what if's_ weren't an option. I just wanted to make sure I actually had something to tell her before I spilled the beans that I thought Edward liked me too.

"It's nothing really. I'm just glad to get back to school after missing yesterday."

"That's horse shit Bella. You hate this school," I was never good at lying to Alice and she was way too intuitive for _my _own good.

"Spit it out," she giggled.

"I can't," I told her. "Not yet."

"Why not? It has something to do with Edward doesn't it?"

I blanched and shot her a disbelieving look and she giggled again.

"Bella, you're not very good at hiding your feelings, though you're quite vigilant in trying."

"Why would he be your first guess though?"

"It's pretty obvious that you have a mega crush on him and though he's definitely not my pick for you, it seems you're gonna have to figure it out yourself."

"Yes thank you," I nodded, liking her perspective.

"But promise me that the moment you think you're in over your head, you'll ask for my advice and not bottle it all up inside like you always do."

"I'm not a baby you know," but I nodded anyway in consent. The thing was, I was already in _way_ over my head.

"You're not, but you're my baby sister." I smiled at her as she maneuvered the car into the school's parking lot.

"I'll tell you about it when I think I can, but please don't get your hopes up. _I _don't even know what's going on yet."

"Ok," she squealed excitedly.

"And one more thing," I warned, narrowing my eyes at her. "Absolutely no make overs Alice. I mean it. I don't care what happens with Edward, I'm not letting you within a foot of my clothes, shoes or hair."

She pouted like a spoiled brat, then waved her hand dramatically. "Fine. But it won't be _your_ clothes or shoes I'll be needing to get within a foot of anyway. It'll be mine."

I looked for the silver Volvo in the usual spot the moment we parked, but it wasn't there. Alice sprang out of the car and skipped over to Jasper, ever the wind up toy, and left me behind wondering where the hell Edward was.

I made my way over to them the same time Rosalie and Emmett did.

"Hey Jasper," I greeted and he smiled at me with his usual charm.

"Little sis," he joked and I smiled back at him.

"Is Edward coming to school today?"

"Sure," he shrugged. "He just stopped off for a pack of cigs I think."

I relaxed immediately and was glad then to fade into the chatter that Rosalie and Emmett brought with them. Emmett grinned at me and Rosalie simply nodded. The bell rang before he arrived and I walked into the building with the other four, feeling the CD practically singe through the fabric of my bag and into my back. The anticipation was unnerving. I _really_ wanted to see him. Bio was the only next opportunity to do that.

Of course, as my luck would have it, the first two periods of the day were insanely boring and deathly slow. I took notes and paid attention as usual, all the while pumping my legs up and down under the table. Mike Newton had lots to say and somehow it felt like he was trying to catch up with me. I really had stayed to myself a lot the week before and apparently there were some things that happened that he just _had _to tell me about. I swore he was two mere degrees from spitting estrogen out at me with the way he gossiped.

He also said that he'd wanted to ask me out over the weekend but I had left school so soon on Friday afternoon that he didn't get the chance and finally there was something to thank the gods for. Sometimes, luck _did_ work in my favor.

I tried to like Mike, but he was insufferable and quite annoying. Jessica kept her back turned to us during his entire banter and I could see that she overheard everything while pretending not to pay attention to us.

I knew how she felt about Mike and I also knew how badly unrequited like sucked. So I didn't blame her for hating me. If Edward had been flirting with some other girl the way Mike tried to flirt with me on a regular basis, I might probably hate her too. I shook my head at Mike and pointed to Jessica without trying to make myself obvious. Dense as he was, he just frowned at me with his big bewildered blue eyes.

"I'll talk to you after class Mike," I rolled my eyes and he shut up for the while.

Finally it was time for bio and I couldn't get out of that last class fast enough. I heard Mike calling after me and it bothered me, having to acknowledge how dense he actually was. I managed to escape through the doors of the lab before he caught up to me and I took my seat quickly. But luck usually only stretches only_ that_ far and escaping him made no actual sense since he had the same bio lab that I did. I would have kicked myself if I was better coordinated. I noticed that Edward wasn't in class yet and I realized that I still wasn't sure if he was in school at all. The sight of a less than pleased Mike right then cut through my thoughts and made me groan in dejection.

"Are you running from me?" He accused.

"What?" I gaffed.

"You said we'd talk after class and then you ran away."

"Mike, please. Just drop it."

Jessica sauntered past us and instead of glaring at me like I expected, she glared at Mike instead and shoved her shoulder into his intentionally, with obvious intent to inflict pain.

"Ow! Jessica! What the hell?" He complained.

"Then get out of my way," she sneered as she walked past. I almost grabbed them both and shoved them together, hoping they would stick that way.

"I agree," came another, much more appealing voice. "Get out of my way."

My heart lurched as I looked up to see Edward standing behind Mike who in turn looked around and stumbled awkwardly to the side so that Edward could pass and take his seat next to mine, making everything right with the world again.

His sweet breeze wafted around me as he sat and I automatically forgot all about Mike standing there and I think even Mike got the point eventually. At least for that day.

I smiled at Edward and brought my shoulders up to my ears in a painfully girlie way.

"Sorry I'm late," he smiled back.

"You're not late" I answered him just as Mr. Banner started the class. "See? Just in time."

We both forced our attention to Mr. Banner then because we had to. For the entire class I was more receptive to Edward beside me than the actual lecture in progress. I felt the warmth of his skin touch mine because of how close we sat together and every now again from the corner of my eye I saw that he stole little glances at me. Even without touching me, Edward had a way of commanding a certain kind of physical response from my body. Half way through the hour I saw him write something in his notebook then slide it across to me. I recognized his handwriting and smiled. Usually boys were scrappy and untidy. But not Edward, and why should I have been surprised?

That refund I was owed from the genetics department became more necessary with every successive minute in his presence.

'_Did you listen to it?' _His note said.

I smiled down at the note then nodded at him and much to my everlasting pleasure, he _winked _at me. I swallowed three times before my heart would fall back down into my chest. The flush in my cheeks betrayed me, I was sure of it.

I scribbled a quick response.

'_Yes. I listened.'_

His lips curled up teasingly at the corners and I inhaled sharply. I dug into my bag then and pulled out the CD I made for him and slid it across the table. He accepted and smiled his half smile with his head bent to the side.

_'For me?' _He wrote back.

I nodded again, very close to bubbling over into uncontrollable giggles and loving for the first time, the effect he had on me and the way he seemed to like it too. He put the CD into his notebook and closed the book over it for safe keeping.

It was hard to concentrate on Mr. Banner after that and though I kept my eyes focused to the front for the rest of the class, I was so terribly lost.

_Please don't ask me any questions. I'm so terribly lost in Edward Cullen right now._ _I won't be able to answer anything. _

Thankfully, the other half of the class rushed by and I knew it was because I enjoyed being next to Edward way too much. But at least it was lunch time and that meant spending a little more time with him.

We stood at the same time and walked out together and thankfully, Mike didn't try to approach me again. It was noticeable how intimidated he was by Edward. Poor guy.

"So I want to listen to this now," Edward said to me once we were out in the hallway on our way to the cafeteria.

"Now?" I frowned.

He raised his eyebrows at me and nodded. "I'm going to my car."

I widened my eyes at him. "You're going to your car to listen to it? Like now?"

"Yeah," he grinned. "Why not?"

"I thought you would have taken it home with you or something."

"I can't wait that long," he said, brushing his shoulder against mine.

"I have my disk man with me if you want. That way you don't have to go all the way out to your car."

"No, I want to be alone with it. My car's the perfect place." And it made sense to me. The impact mine had on me was perfect because of my environment. Being alone in a quiet room was the only way to experience the kind of effect it was supposed to make. I also had the privacy to react the way I wanted to without having to feel self conscious and Edward deserved that too.

"Ok," I said, getting slightly nervous then. "Um, I'm going in to the cafe…sooo."

He was about to understand the way I felt about him through the words and voice of someone else and the butterflies in my stomach made it very hard for me to appear calm and unaffected. I wasn't sure that I was ready for his reaction and honestly, I had absolutely no clue about what he would do, say or think about it. Everything was guesswork until the moment of truth after a three and a half minute song. I fumbled with my bag on my shoulder and tugged at my coat until he winked at me one last time and disappeared out the double doors to the courtyard. I looked at him walk away, wanting to die of anxiety, but when I glanced back down the hallway and spotted Mike approaching me, I went straight into overdrive and made for the cafeteria with renewed energy.

As I walked in and toward the table with Alice and the rest, my mind lingered on Edward. He was probably inside the car by then. As distracted as I was, I was able to sit and greet everyone and accept the sandwich that Alice slid to me like she usually did. The four of them resumed their conversation, but I couldn't follow any of it with the way I tried to track Edward's progress in my head. If he was in his car already, he'd probably be just putting the CD into the player. I bit down on my lower lip and chewed and decided to try occupying myself with opening the wrapping of my sandwich. My stomach turned the moment I bit into it and I had to spit it back out. I couldn't eat.

I scanned the cafeteria with restless eyes and spotted Tanya and Victoria. They were probably very pleased that Edward wasn't there beside me once again. Tanya shifted her eyes away from me arrogantly and Victoria all but sneered at me threateningly. So, I closed my eyes. By now, the song had to be playing.

This was it. The moment of truth. There was no turning back from here on out. Everything was out in the open now and from there on out, I would have to deal with whatever that meant.

"Where the hell is Edward?" Jasper wondered and Alice glanced at me for an answer. I shrugged in reponse.

What was I supposed to say? _He's in his car right now listening to a CD I stayed up until 4am burning for him. Oh, and it's a response to the CD he dropped off at my house at 12:30 last night, for which I had to sneak out to get. We are trying to say how we feel about each other without embarrassing ourselves with actual words._

Yup, I could imagine what their faces would look like if I spilled it. That would surely shut them all up for the next hour.

Enough time had elapsed by then and I knew that he had listened to it already. It was done.

I fidgeted with my sandwich and started picking it to crumbs. I didn't know what my next more should be. So I just sat there quietly and waited.


	19. Chapter 19 A little piece of heaven

I think many people will be singing Alleluiah with this one. *wink* Happy reading and sorry for all the stupid errors in the last one. I fixed it over again.

**---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Chapter 19**

**A little piece of heaven for the devil in me EPOV**

I paced my room like a restless panther scratching at my scalp with my fingernails and dishevelling my overgrown hair. I was agitated and had been ever since I had that fight with Bella. All week after our fight I tried to give her space. She had said that she was trying to push me away, said that I was confusing her and the way she said goodnight to me in the car afterward, sounded so final that I felt like I didn't have a choice but to give her what I thought she wanted. Her eyes looked tortured, and though they usually were, this time her frustration had my name all over it. I still couldn't believe that I had the audacity to say all those things to her about her father. It wasn't any of my business, I was out of line and it was low, even for me.

I tried to make myself invisible in school so that shit wouldn't get weirder or more complicated than it already was, but mostly I was hiding because in my shame, I couldn't face her after the way I had treated her. I knew that when she started ranting, that she had gotten lost in her head and I knew it wasn't all about me, but still I let go of my temper. Point blank, I thought the fight was stupid and though I realized only afterward that it was her way of trying to castrate the bond we were developing, and I tried to give her the space she seemed to want…it didn't sit well with me.

It was the worst kind of irritation, forcing myself to stay away from her because I thought she needed space when all I wanted to do was find her and make her understand how sorry I was and how terrible I felt about the things I said. Calling myself a jackass wasn't remedy enough. Bella wasn't just some regular chick in school that I had a meaningless flirtation with. I seriously felt that we connected in a way that I thought would never be possible for me. She seemed so vulnerable and fragile, like she needed protection and I wanted to be the one to offer that protection and make her happy because fuck it, she never looked happy and that resident despondency in her eyes irked me. I wanted to be more to Bella than any of the meaningful things I could actually give her, but maybe she was right. Maybe it was better to break the bond before it got out of hand, because where would I find it inside of myself to give her the kind of companion she deserved in any case? I'd never found it within me before, though I hadn't ever tried to look, but in any event I doubted that it existed.

All weekend long I tried to distract myself with a bunch of things that all ended up being meaningless. I spent all day and most of the night, both Saturday and Sunday at the warehouse lot, hoping that she would materialize like she did the night she caught me playing. She liked that place, she said so herself, and though I waited and waited, she never appeared. I sat in the tree and played my guitar, I sat by the lake and played with the water, I took my books to read; I even took our bloody bio assignment there to pass the time. The more time passed, the further away I felt from her and hence, the more agitated I got. It was like a constant battle in my head, back and forth over and _fucking_ over. One minute I was agreeing with her and trying to see the sense in what she wanted and the next I was thinking that this was wrong and stupid and so fucking unnatural that it was driving me _crazy!_

I toyed with a bunch of options in my head, like, maybe I should have gone up to her the very next day in school and pretended like noting happened, or maybe I should have forced her to agree with me that it was ridiculous and we should forget all about the fight, or maybe I really should stay the fuck away from her and just wait for all that shit to fizzle out. But fizzle out it didn't. In fact, it made me want her more and I was not accustomed to wanting girls that I couldn't have. Then there was the next thing that bothered me. What if she started hating me like everyone else who ever got close to me? It was easy to deal with the egos of people like Rosalie and Tanya, but putting Bella in that category of exes turned bitter was inconceivable.

On Sunday night it was late before I left the Oak and headed home. She wouldn't come out there that late, so it was time to leave. I even drove by her house after like a fucking, budding stalker and looked up at the window I knew was hers, but her lights were off. Asleep already.

I craved the opportunity to re-establish communication with her, because a week of not talking to her or hearing her voice was overbearing and I resented the notion of that one week becoming two, then three then…. fuck.

That night I continued welcoming the distractions by focusing on my music. I scribbled lyrics and composed melodies and tried to scrub the stain of her face from my head. But no matter what I did, she was stuck.

I noticed the crumpled piece of paper at the foot of my bed and recognized it immediately. It was the page with the poem I had written about her. I scowled at it stubbornly for a while, but I lost to my own curiosity and picked it up off the floor. Without too much effort I was able to put the words into song and match it to one of the melodies that I had just made up. Some parts were awkward with the melody I chose, but for a first try, it didn't suck completely and I found myself liking it after singing it about four or five times. Two hours passed with me working at the song when finally it hit me.

Maybe I could give it to her.

The idea was risky because essentially I would be stepping out on a pretty high limb with my feelings hanging loose. Those words were damned obvious about the way I felt about her and judging from our last conversation, I didn't know if she would appreciate it in the way I needed her to. But perhaps, if I found a _different_ song, with words that weren't as direct or forward nor literally mine, then that might help to crack open the door a little; and based on how she reacted to it, I'd know if it was a good idea to give her my song or not.

I was all over it. If there was ever a perfect way to talk to a woman, it was through music. I knew music and music knew me. With a new focus in mind, I scanned through my mp3 library and chose the one with the right words, the kind of words that I was better at writing than actually saying. It had the right message without being overbearing, too sappy or too direct. I put it on a CD and then I plugged my recording guitar into the compact sound system that I kept in my room and began recording the song I had written. There was much more I wanted to put into that song, much more that I had felt since writing the lyrics the first time. But I'd always believed that there was something beautiful about the rawness of a first attempt and the potential it had to transform from green humble beginnings to something ripe and perfected, if nurtured the right way. And so I didn't alter the lyrics or tone them down any, because they were honest and a true depiction of the way I felt on the day I wrote it. It was green, but it held the promise of what could be, if given the chance to ripen with her nurturing.

One more hour and two CDs later, I was ready to approach her with a new apology, a new angle and renewed confidence. I remembered being ready to swear off all girls before I met her, tired of the headaches and the effort it took to keep them happy, but then suddenly she appeared in my life, fixing me good and proper and turning me into a walking contradiction of myself. Trying so hard to please a girl was entirely foreign to me, but the thought of having things return to the way they were before our fight was inspiration enough to make me follow through.

I looked for her in school the next day. My intention wasn't to sway her opinion, or to get her to feel any differently about me and though it would have been a miracle if she did, I had reserved myself to the straightforward task of letting her know how I felt with no strings attached. She could take it or she could leave it, but either way, I had to make her understand. I couldn't allow her to go on thinking that any of what I had said to her in our fight was deserved by her. Talking was useless, I could try, but I worried that a thousand thoughts would get in my way and the words would never come out right.

Again, I was better at writing than talking.

And that was the first time I realized that she intimidated me, and girls never intimidated me. Essentially I was hiding behind the written word because I was too much of a coward to come out and just say it myself. At least, however, it was a step in the right direction.

I waited in the parking lot for her that Monday morning, but when Alice arrived, there was no Bella in the car with her. Immediately I could tell that something wasn't right especially because Alice wasn't as chipper as she usually was. I wondered if Bella had had another incident with her father, or if she was sick. The ignorance was aggravating but Alice had conveniently avoided conversation when she emerged from her car in the lot by running into the building quickly with Jasper. So plan B was to bombard her during lunch.

"Where's Bella?" I asked, once she and Jasper sat at our table in the café.

"She's not well today," Alice answered abjectly, giving me the cold shoulder. I didn't care about her attitude, all I wanted was information. I was used to dealing with bitches and though I wouldn't have particularly put Alice in the bitch category, I could see she was trying real hard to be one that day.

"What is she sick with?"

Alice huffed. "I don't know Edward. She's just not well. Mind your own business."

"You're purposely avoiding the word sick," I noticed.

"What?" She looked flabbergasted.

"Is she sick or not?"

She turned her face away and glanced at Jasper and then at Rosalie and Emmett.

"Back off Edward," Rosalie cut in. I ignored _her_ easily. Piece of fucking cake.

"Not really," she said quietly. "Not in the way you mean. But I can't talk about it ok and you won't get me to."

"Where is she now? At home?"

"Why do you care?" She demanded.

I wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I tried to skip past it.

"You didn't answer my question," I said to her, sitting back in my chair with folded arms.

"Neither did you," she countered.

I unfolded my arms and pushed my fingers through my hair. Hanging out with Rosalie was starting to leave its mark on Alice. But still, I tried again.

"We have an assignment due next week and I needed to coordinate some shit with her. I didn't see her all weekend and she's not here today, so I wondered."

Why did I get the feeling that something was wrong with Bella and that Alice couldn't talk about it? Her eyes were wrought with suspicion and then quite unexpectedly and discreetly, she shot me a message with her eyes. She was trying to tell me that she didn't want to talk about it there in front of everybody. It was amazing the way she did that, and furthermore the way I got it. I understood and dropped it hoping that I was correct and that she would answer my questions in private.

So, of course, I wasted no time or opportunity. At the sound of the last bell of the day I planted myself firmly against her car door and waited for her. She wasn't even surprised to see me.

"I knew you'd be here," she grimaced.

"Please tell me about Bella," I pleaded.

"What do you want to know Edward?" She rolled her eyes, but right after, a shadow of gloom settled within them and she leaned against the car next to me, staring down at her feet. "I'm not going to tell you anything personal."

"Is she ok?"

"I don't know," she sighed and raised her head. "We never really know. She went to a therapist today, but I can't say who."

"I can get that info on my own if I needed to," I replied. Carlisle knew every doctor in town and there weren't many. "What do you mean by you don't know if she's ok?"

She sighed again. "Look Edward. Like I told you before, Bella isn't like other girls. She's very sensitive and introverted and she's dealing with a lot right now. She's having a hard time with our parents' divorce and with leaving our dad back in Phoenix. She's like, excruciatingly close to him. I never really understood it. But anyway, she's been depressed lately so our mom took her to see a doctor. That's all I can say."

"She depressed?" I continued, ignoring her attempt to cut the conversation short.

She raised her chin and stared off at a non existent spot in space.

"It's like _chemical_ or something," she raised an eyebrow.

I had suspected that Bella suffered from some kind of serious depression, but I wasn't sure. I clenched down on my teeth and cursed myself mentally for being such a reckless fool. I had suspected it and even with that suspicion and knowing how sensitive she was, I still allowed myself to lose my temper and hurt her by being a monumental jack ass. At the time I didn't realize how serious it was and that doctors and shit were involved, but nothing justified anything I did or said and more than ever before I owed it to her and to myself to make things right again. It was only after the fight when she broke down in hysterical fits of sobbing, did I get some insight on the toll our fight took on her. I was used to girls getting crazy, screaming and throwing bitch fits, one even being psychotic enough to threaten suicide, Tanya; but the helpless and wounded sobbing I witnessed was a first and it had churned my blood.

"Thanks," I muttered to Alice and left her by her car, still staring off into space. I sped home, taking the long route so that I could pass in front of the Swan residence, hoping to see her, but the place was quiet and I saw Esme's car in the yard. That made it two times that I drove by her house so far, not counting the night of the fight when I sat in the darkness and watched her silhouette through her bedroom window. Christ, I was losing my mind.

--------------------------------

So there I was, Monday night, pacing the length of my room, back and forth, like an agitated panther, wondering what to do with myself because I couldn't sleep. I wanted to know if she would show up to school the next day and I didn't have her number so I couldn't call, but even if I _did_ have it, I doubted that I would because it was already midnight. In any case, it was something I wanted to do in person. The two CDs lay on top of the dresser in my room. The first one held the contemporary song I planned as number 1 and the second had the song I had written about her.

_It can wait until tomorrow_, I kept telling myself, but the nagging possibility of her taking another day off put a spoke in my wheel. I hated knowing that she was going through something serious and not know anything about it or how to make it better for her.

That did it. The pacing wasn't helping and I was careening out of my mind.

Without thinking through it properly and tossing my care about the time of night it was, I grabbed the CDs off the desk and my jacket and left. I'd made up my mind that I was going to do it that night. I was about to burst from wanting to see her so much.

I pulled up in front of her house and for a few minutes I just sat there and stared at her window. The lights were off of course and I needed to figure out how to get her attention without waking the rest of the house. I got out and walked to the spot under her window, glanced around for any sign of company then started pitching stones at her window. Many late nights I lay on my bed with the lights off, a victim to an overactive mind just staring up at the ceiling and listening to music. So it wasn't far fetched to think that perhaps, she might still be awake. But at pebble # 25, I was still throwing relentlessly without a response from her. Feeling like the personification of pathetic, I was about to give the fuck up when I saw her two arms fly out and wave frantically to signal that she was there. I raised the CD over my head and called out to her.

"Bella!" She stuck her head out and looked down at me and I thought to myself…

Yeah, I _do _have the audacity to be throwing shit at your window at this hour of the night. I really hoped she wouldn't get pissed off again.

Instead, she smiled down at me openly and I swore I felt my heart shift in violent surprise. My breath almost caught in my throat at the sight of her. Every lock of her thick dark hair cascaded down beneath her body hanging out of the window, like the beginnings of a real world Rapunzel offering me its length and strength so that with it, I may climb up the walls and up to the maiden's window. All I could do was smile up at her in relief that her face was such a welcoming beacon.

"What are you doing here?" She called down in a soft voice and that voice collided with my ears like a speeding train that had just ran off its rails. Her bedroom voice, so soft and raspy was even huskier because of the late hour and the chill in the air; and the images they stirred in my head were less than appropriate considering the innocence of their subject. I'd have liked to lock her little body right under my arm right then on her bed and make her say a thousand things to me in that voice of hers. But first things first.

"I brought you something," I answered.

"But it's 12:30," she giggled. Her mood was awe inspiring and she actually seemed happy to see me, after everything that had happened.

"It couldn't wait. You didn't come to school today and I really needed to give you this." I showed her the CD in my hand.

"How am I going to get it?" She asked.

"Get down here?" She was lucky I didn't have my own way of getting up there, or else on the first sign of happiness to see me, I'd have climbed right up to get next to her and pushed her into her bedroom without the presence of mind to keep my hands off her. She ducked inside again for a second time and when she came back out, she nodded ecstatically. I sat on her doorstep and waited for her to come down, hoping that it would be her that opened the door and not her mother… or worse yet, Alice.

She did the most unexpected and irresistible thing when she opened the door. She fucking ran to me and threw her arms around my neck and I almost fell back from the shock of it. For a few seconds I didn't know how to react because I was literally blown away in disbelief by her show of affection. It didn't take long to catch myself, and her, in the process and I was glad to pull her against me harder in order to fill the dry hole of want that had been echoing in my chest all week long. Any tighter and I would have snapped her body in half. I buried my face into her hair that spilled over in the crook of her neck and closed my eyes, allowing myself to take in deep, glorious breaths of her. The tighter I held her, the better she reciprocated and I swear to God, it never felt that good to hold a girl before. My chest wanted to explode in concentrated desire. I wanted to keep her there forever, plastered against me and it was easy to admit to myself then that there was nothing I wouldn't do from then on to have her. I felt all the tension and emptiness die in that embrace and I let out a shuddering sigh as the weight of it left my body. And so did she.

I put the CD in her hand when we let go of each other seeing that she had given me more of a reason to give her what I had intended to. Her smile was bewitching and I don't think I'd ever seen her smile so openly before that night, and I never wanted to be the reason to take that smile away from her again.

-------------------------------------

It was hard to fall asleep that night. I tossed and I turned and I stared at the ceiling wondering if she had listened to it, if she understood it and if she liked it. I tortured myself with all the possible ways she would react to the song. The anxiety kept me up all night long and before I forced my eyes closed finally, the time on my night stand said 4am. If I wanted to see her tomorrow, I would have to get some rest.

As luck would have it, I got to school five minutes after the bell called because I over slept and because I needed to stop to get a pack of cigarettes. And as a result, I missed my opportunity to see her in the parking lot. It was hard to stay awake during the first two periods as the effects of little to no sleep started catching up with me very early. I even had the additional pressure of Tanya's insistence during art period. She took the seat next to mine and wouldn't stop trying to get me to talk to her. She asked me about Bella and that was the only time she got a reaction out of me.

"It's none of your business and you better stay the fuck away from her or else you'll really get my attention."

"You're such a rude dick."

When the bell rang, I exited in a hurry toward my bio lab, anticipating the sight of Bella, but Tanya followed me out.

"You could at least be straight with me Edward," she demanded. "I'm only trying to talk to you."

"I don't like talking to you. You're a drama queen. Haven't you tortured me enough? When the fuck will you relent?" I stopped walking and fixated my glare on her. Her chin quivered and she flicked her eyes away from mine.

"I've pushed you completely away haven't I? You hate me."

Ok, so she had a new tactic – the transparent pity card.

"Understatement of the century. It's more like you frightened me away. I can't deal with all your shit. It's too much. _You're _too much." I retorted with my fingers in my hair. I sighed then and took off toward the building on the opposite side. Thankfully, she didn't follow me that time and though I knew I was harsh on her, it was a by product of everything she did to lead up to that. It wasn't that way at first. I had tried being gentle, I told her it wasn't working and that I preferred to end it before it got nasty. I stayed away from her and I even let her tell me any and everything she wanted to. But she never stopped and she took it too far and there had to come a point where harsh was the only way she would get the message.

When I walked into bio, the first thing I saw was the back of Mike's head leaning over Bella, but he was relatively easy to get rid of. Why the hell she entertained him in the first place was beyond me. It was embarrassingly obvious that he liked her and even more obvious that she didn't. I was a bit apprehensive about the reception I would get from her at first because it was the first time we saw each other since giving her the song; but when I looked at her and she smiled back at me with the same warmth from the night before, I knew I was officially out of the naughty corner. It was also the first time I noticed that she wasn't wearing her horrid jacket. She usually wore the yellow thing right through the day, but that day, she had it folded on top of her bag on the lab table. The sweater she wore was a deep violet and I watched as it clung to her chest and arms snugly, accentuating every vibration her chest made when she breathed. The colour was perfect against her pale skin and the little hint of pale bare chest above her breasts made me swallow. When I couldn't take the pressure of the excitement any longer, I scribbled a note inside my notebook asking her if she had listened to the song.

She wrote back saying that she had, but offered no further detail as to whether or not she liked it. I smiled anyway and encouraged her to let me know more. That's when she pulled a CD from her bag and slid it across the table to me. It wasn't the same one I had given her. My case was clear and this one was blue. She blushed every time she read something I wrote to her.

God, she was as pretty as a doll.

I loved that she played along so perfectly with my method, choosing to burn a CD for me too. I couldn't wait until after school to hear it. Patience was never a particular characteristic of mine, so I forgave myself of the burning need to escape to my car where I could listen to it. There was no way I could make it through the rest of the day just… waiting… to get home to it.

She was surprised when I told her that I was going into my car to listen, but _she_ didn't know how badly I needed closure.

"Ok," she said and I saw a trace of doubt creep into her eyes. She had already started second guessing herself, showing signs of nervousness; and all that was fine, as long as she didn't regret.

"Um… I'm going to the café sooo..."

I winked at her to let her know that I would be back and ducked out through the doors.

In very little time I made my way out to my car in the lot and would you know, Tanya intercepted me. Fuck. She was _beyond _irritating. She was absolutely fucking unbelievable.

"Listen to me," I gritted my teeth at her before she could even start. Just the sight of her again made me livid with anger. "I need to be alone right now. It's not a good time."

"It's never a good time, but I only have one thing to say."

"You're_ killing_ me! Really! Isn't it enough that you scare the fucking shit out me? What is it that you _want_?"

"You know what I want. I want you to like me again."

"Are you a lunatic?! Even if it was possible, _this_ isn't helping you."

"That's not what I was going to tell you. It was just the answer to your question. I wanted to tell you that I'm leaving town."

Ah. There is a God. I waited for her to explain.

"And also, that Victoria now has her own agenda when it comes to the weird girl. She doesn't like her, for her own reasons, all of which are beyond me, but I know she's definitely out for her. So, if I were you, I would warn little miss weirdo, especially because I won't be around."

I was already pissed at the interruption, but then she had to go and compound it with _that_.

"You better tell Victoria, that I'm _waiting _for her to step out of line and if she goes anywhere_ near_ Bella she'll be sorry. And by the way, I'd choose weird over psycho _any_ day."

"So I was right," she folded her arms. "You _do_ like her. She's the new girl isn't she? God Edward, the bed sheets aren't even cool yet and already you're onto your next conquest."

"Wait," I closed my eyes and raised a pointed finger. "Are you even telling the truth? Or was that just some fucked up way of getting something out of me?"

"It worked didn't it? You wouldn't have answered me if I'd asked you straight up."

"You're loathsome."

"It's not _all_ a lie tough. I may not be leaving town, but Victoria really_ is_ out for her and you know what, I really hopes she gets her." Then she smiled insidiously, and walked away.

The reasons I'd managed to go after a girl like Tanya in the first place, failed to register. What the fuck was I thinking? I really deserved the shit I had to deal with as a result of poor taste. And speaking of tastes, I was about to fix that pallet of mine for good.

I opened the car and got in, switched on the ignition and pushed the CD into the player. I needed the calm that only Bella could offer after my interaction with the devil herself. So I closed my eyes, locked myself in the car and rested my head back. I put the volume on full blast and listened as the song started to play.

_I won't talk  
I won't breathe  
I won't move till you finally see  
that you belong with me_

you might think  
I don't look  
but deep inside in the corner of my mind  
I'm attached to you

I'm weak  
it's true  
cause I'm afraid to know the answer  
do you want me too?  
cause my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life to cross this line  
to the only thing that's true  
so I will not hide  
it's time to try anything to be with you  
all my life I've waited, this is true  
you don't know  
what you do  
every time you walk into the room  
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak  
it's true  
I'm just scared to know the ending  
do you see me too?  
do you even know you meant me

I've waited all my life to cross this line  
to the only thing that's true  
so I will not hide  
its time to try anything to be with you  
all my life I've waited  
this is true

I know when I go  
I'll be on my way to you  
the way that's true

I've waited all my life to cross this line  
to the only thing that's true  
so I will not hide  
its time to try anything to be with you  
all my life I've waited  
this is true

I started laughing halfway through the song in pure elation. The feeling was amazing. That was all I needed to know. She was mine. I let out a shuddering breath of hot air as I blinked up at the roof of the car.

The girl was mine.

My body quivered with the immensity of what had just happened in the car. I had gone from infuriating anger, to an overwhelming surge of placid emotion. There was officially nothing standing in my way anymore besides feet of pitch and crowded school halls. I ejected the CD with shaking hands and opened the case to replace it carefully when a piece of paper fell out of the jacket. I smiled at the way she played the game so perfectly, right down to the very last detail. I took it off my lap and unfolded it.

_ 'True' by Ryan Cabrera. I'm sure you know it. Just in case I've crossed the line and said too much, don't worry, it's ok. I won't be offended. I can be your friend if you want. I just want you in my life. But in any event, this is my answer to you and I hope you like it.'_

I crushed it in my hands aggressively and burst out of the car in heated pursuit of her in the school cafeteria. My vision narrowed into a straight line of sight, blocking out every thing and every one else on the fringes. My legs were fast and hard on the ground and I saw startled faces in my line of vision jump quickly out of my way. The second I got to the café, my vision zoomed in on our table, but she was not there.

What the fuck? I rushed over to it.

"Where the fuck were you man?" Jasper asked when he saw me.

"Where is she Alice?" I panted down at a bewildered Alice. She pointed to somewhere behind me.

"She's on her way to the ladies right now," Alice answered. I turned to see Bella's retreating form heading toward the girls' toilet, only seconds away from delaying this shit more than it already had been. I pushed through the hoards toward her, bumping into people on my way. The fucking ladies' room would have to wait. I closed the gap between us before she got to the door and grabbed her elbow from behind. She swung around in shock and widened her eyes up at me. A calculated but brief glance around the café told me that it wasn't the right place for this so I tightened my grip on her elbow and manoeuvred our bodies through the tables, heading straight for the exit.

"Edward!" She gasped. "What are you doing?"

I pulled her through the doors, down the hall and out the double doors into to the courtyard without answering.

"Edward?!" She gasped again, tugging slightly at her elbow in my hand. Still, too many people. I pulled her toward the admin block a few yards away and around to the back of it where we were completely out of sight and alone, finally. With one last tug and a harsh exhalation of hot breath, I pushed her against the wall in front of me and burned my eyes into hers.

"Edward! What are you _doing?_! What's the _matter_ with y….."

"Shut up," I panted desperately and cupped her face in my hands. "Don't speak. Don't say anything right now. Just…" And then I dropped my face to hers and shocked her lips with a rough and urgent kiss. It was harsher than it needed to be, but if I didn't do something soon about the protruding swell in my chest, I was sure to detonate. And Bella didn't disappoint. It took her all of two seconds to jump on board with me and she parted her lips hungrily to allow my assault on her. She expelled a small cry when I pushed my body against hers, pinning her to the wall like the savage animal I was. I had imagined this moment a hundred times in my head and it wasn't supposed to be this desperate and greedy. It was supposed to be tender and sweet and full of all the things that Bella deserved. But my wanton desire was way past control and after the week of starvation that we'd just put ourselves through, it was all I could do to keep myself from dragging her to the floor right there to test the limits of our discretion.

If stifled desire was unhealthy, we were both _definitely_ sickly and in urgent need of treatment. She thrust her hands into my hair and pulled my face down harder against hers and I reciprocated by filling my palms with two healthy handfuls of her locks at the back of her head, finally able to indulge my fingers in the silky sheath that had tempted me and gotten me into trouble with her just a mere week before. I sucked her bottom lip into my mouth and grazed her with my teeth and when we alternated, she showed me how to do it by biting into mine, intentionally matching my roughness with her vamping thirst and inciting a dangerous and devilish response from my libido in the process. She surprised me with the untamed intensity of her passion. I didn't know Bella was capable of that kind of physical translation. She sucked my tongue into her mouth and when I couldn't get any deeper she crushed her breasts into me harder, moulding us so tightly that any closer we'd have lined with each other like wet dogs. My wetting desire blinded me and when she raked her finger nails against my scalp I dragged my hands down to her hips and shoved myself against her until the back of her head went crashing into the wall.

She opened her mouth and gasped for air, tilting her face up to let out the most toe curling cry from her red and swollen lips. The angle of her open mouth and her blood red, writhing tongue inside called for me again and so I clamped myself over her invitation and sucked on her so hard that she had to gasp for air repeatedly with every changed angle of our heads. I was in utter, euphoric disbelief that any girl could taste so sweet and more so that _that_ girl was Bella.

_Fuck,_ this was worth every measure of the torture she put me through.

She got impatient with me and her hands started to get demanding. She wasn't satisfied yet and I could tell by the way she pressed herself repeatedly into me as if she wanted to break through the wall of my chest and step inside. While our mouths worked at each other feverishly, her hands moved swiftly to the inside my jacket where she filled her palms with the flesh at my waist through the fabric of my t-shirt. Then she did the most devilishly provocative thing and tiptoed so that our pleasure centres were heatedly moulded together. I smiled against her lips and clicked my tongue. It wasn't possible to get any harder then and I had to squeeze my eyes firmly shut in order to force some measure of controlling focus back into my system.

"Tsk tsk tsk. Naughty Bella," I teased when she pulled my hips against hers even harder. I felt her soft and inviting, warm contours perfectly, despite the terse fabric of her jeans; and I thanked my lucky stars that we were in school, because had any of this happened in proper isolation she would have been done for. I felt the smile of her lips against my mouth and then she released a strangled sigh and lowered her weight back onto her heels.

Our breathing was ragged and distorted, but for the most part we were able to untangle our lips and press our foreheads together in silent rhapsody.

"Oh. My. God," she whispered. I pulled my face away slightly to look down at her face. She was so fucking sexy, all red and flushed like a maraschino cherry. And in that moment, the rest of the world literally disappeared as she lost me in the lure of her stare. It was only then that I realized she was trembling and when I frowned slightly in concern, she closed her eyes and bent her head away from me.

"No," I said simply, and raised her face with my index to her chin. "Don't hide. It's ok."

Her mouth quivered faintly as she rested the back of her head against the wall behind her, but she didn't open her eyes, so I kissed her eyelids for a response. And her body just. wouldn't. stop. Shaking. I had to pull her head down under my chin so that I could cradle her gently with one hand while I put the other around her waist.  
"What's wrong?" I whispered into her hair, starting to get nervous.  
She shook her head with her face in the crook of my neck and sighed.  
"I can't put it into words," she answered and it sounded like even that was hard enough to say.  
I held her for a while longer and we stood in silence, patterned against each other, until her shaking subsided. When it was over she raised her face and smiled.

"Does that mean you liked your song?" She blushed slightly. I hugged her around her waist and pressed my lips to her forehead, blown out of my fucking mind with where we had gotten to and everything it took to get us there. And the physical sensation soaring through my chest was indescribable.

"It was exactly perfect," I answered. She nested her face in the crook of my neck again and tightened her arms around me on the inside of my jacket, making it easy for me to anchor my chin on the top of her head. We held each other like that for the rest of the lunch period, leaning against the wall and clutching on to each other lest something evil tried to separate us.

Like the fucking bell.

When the bell rang, it was difficult to let go and it was only when the din on the quad had disappeared completely and we realized that everybody else had gone inside for class, did we force ourselves apart.

"I'd like to take you home after school," I said, leaning over to speak the words with my lips against her hair and she responded affirmatively with a gentle squeeze of my hand.

"I'll wait for you by the car," I said to her as our hands slipped away.

The frigid air stung when she let go and I had to ball my fists and shove them into my jacket pockets for mock comfort. Our classes were on opposite sides of the quadrangle so we couldn't even walk to class together. I wanted to walk her to hers, but we were both already so late that it only made sense to hurry away.

And with one last smile from her to take me through the rest of the afternoon, she turned and disappeared into the main building.


	20. Chapter 20 The Impossible Dream BPOV

Happy reading everybody. R&R! Thanks :)

**Chapter 20 - The Impossible Dream**

The impossible dream is so named for a reason, but there are times when by some twist of fate, the impossible becomes likely and though there are no guarantees of longevity, living in the moment is temptingly worth it. My universe altered drastically that day. The sepulcher of darkness and pain that followed me around was suddenly uncovered, baring the grimy insides to the ray of light that forced its way in. I could have crumbled from the sheer power of it, having no other like experience to compare it with.

At first, I was alarmed by his aggression. The way he stormed out of the café hauling me behind him like a child in trouble, caught me by surprise. I thought that he was upset with my choice of song and that perhaps I _had_ crossed the line and he was about to get the point straight to me once and for all. But then he transferred his aggression into something more than worthy of the word kiss, making me quiver in my naïveté. I took everything he gave me, and what he gave was a lot. He poured pure, unadulterated passion into his kisses and when he touched me, it felt as if his fingers would burn through the layers that stood its ground between us. I almost lost control with him, and uncharacteristically so. It would be so easy to lose my better sense with Edward, and I was immediately aware of that; especially if he planned to continue kissing me in that way.

I kept pulling him unto me closer and closer, over and over because in those moments I'd actually forgotten what it was like to be Bella Swan; and it was wonderful to just let go of the inhibitions that usually ran my life and kept me the dull, depressed person that I was. I wanted Edward inside of me and not in a crude, sexual way; although the idea wouldn't be objectionable; but I wanted him inside of my soul. I wanted to get him in and have him spread right through my entire being, so that he could fill every inch and corner of me with his quintessence. And because my little body was just too goddamned unaccustomed to the immensity of that kind of emotion, I started to shake, and embarrassingly so, unable to believe that out of every girl in the world, Edward Cullen wanted me.

When he realized that I was having a hard time adjusting to our radically shifted planes, he cradled my head against him and held me quietly. His tenderness rolled smoothly off of the fervor he had just expelled and the comfort was exactly what I needed to bring me down from the trembling high of my euphoria. Not even in my most vivid dreams had I expected him to fit so perfectly against me, even with the way his physicality contradicted mine so blatantly.

I took my embarrassing quivering, the buckling of my knees and the raising of my pores; focusing on every physical and emotional betrayal of my adoration for him, and forced it all down into a ball of concentrated energy which I planned to expel in the sanctity of my own company later on in the day. Because I just could not let him see the way he owned me already, so entirely.

I didn't even worry about Alice's impending speculation about me not going home with her as usual. It was done. He had asked to take me home and I couldn't say no – not to him – and probably not ever. How unfairly unbalanced the scale seemed to be already.

The final bell of the day rang and I made my way out to the parking lot with a smile on my face, trying to act normal despite the spirit of excitement that bounced inside of me. I wanted more of him already and I definitely wanted to do some more kissing. And because I was so one tracked on getting to him as fast as I could, the rest of my environment had failed to register, and I never noticed Victoria closing in on me from the side. She grabbed my hand roughly with her cold one and tugged me to a halt. I yanked my hand away from hers in surprise and frowned up at her agitatedly.

"Don't touch me," I reprimanded her with wide eyes.

"You know, you're either very brave or very stupid," she smiled coyly at me and I noticed the way her wild curls framed her oval face mesmerizingly. _How was it_ that I found myself more intrigued by the beauty of the villain, than actually being afraid of her? _How?!_

"I have to go," I told her absently, turning to leave, but she grabbed me again.

"I'm not done with you yet."

Again, I pulled away. "But _I'm_ done," I retorted, trying my best to square off with her.

"Definitely a combination of the two," she sneered. "Brave _and_ stupid, which by the way makes you more stupid than brave, as it pertains to me."

"What do you want to say Victoria?"

"I'm warning you for the last time ugly duckling," and I got her message without any effort. It was a play on my name and she was pointing out that I was only a '_Bella _Swan' or 'Beautiful Swan' by name and not in actuality. In actuality…I was the ugly duckling, and though I thought it was a rather uninventive insult, it still stung.

"If you care about what happens to you or Edward, you'll stay the hell away from him and _make_ him stay away from you. I really don't understand why I have to keep giving you the same warning over and over. I _saw _the two of you together today," then she raised an eyebrow. "And I must say, you certainly had me fooled. But now I know that this poor little shy girl act is just a way to get him all bamboozled by you. That was some show you put on today. And for the last time, stay away from him or you'll be sorry. You don't want to get in my fucking way. Trust me."

She never flinched. Her eyes were cold and clear, without a hint of bluff anywhere. My pores raised and I took a few steps away from her, trying to understand the obsession on _her_ part, on trying to get me to stay away from Edward. Was this all for her friend? Boy, she was loyal.

"Why is it so important to you that I stay away from him?" I frowned. "He doesn't want to be with Tanya. He's clear about it. It's not like I'm not in the way of anything. Even if I wasn't in the picture, he wouldn't go for her her. So, I don't get it. What do you think will happen?"

"Your naivety is boring and my intentions don't concern you. All I need is for you to obey."

Obey? _What the_….

"But you see, it does concern me," I retorted. "I'm the one you're threatening and I'm the one you're trying to control. And honestly, the whole thing is kind of pathetic."

She widened her eyes in mild shock as if I was some audacious child that she had to put up with, when it was actually the complete and exact opposite.

"I can see you're going to be difficult," she narrowed her eyes at me.

"I have to go," I shook my head and started walking away; wrapping my arms around my body so that she couldn't grab any part of me again.

"Don't say I didn't warn you," she called after me.

I hurried through the scattered crowds of teenagers on the quad and made the bend toward the parking lot in heated search for a familiar and friendly face. It didn't even matter if it were Edward's at that point. I just needed some kind of saving grace from the plaguing imagery she had left me with. It started to rain all of a sudden and there was an instant and noticeable drop in the temperature. I yanked the heavy hood from behind me over the top of my head and stopped when I saw the silver Volvo pull out and swerve to a halt a short distance away, directly in front of me. He opened his door then and held his hand out to me. I glanced around self consciously before running the short distance, wondering why the hell he opened _his _door like an invitation for me to enter the car from his side. When I got closer, he pushed it open wider and I knew he intended for me to take the peculiar and rather indiscreet route of climbing over his lap into the car. But the rain had come down so heavily that I couldn't waste time dissecting it right then, so I did as he gestured and dove into the warmth right onto his lap. The moment I was inside, he closed the door and smiled up at me.

"Well _he-llo_," he grinned with a suggestive look up and down my face. I flushed and jumped off of him quickly and into the passenger seat. As soon as I sat, he sped off and in the next few seconds we were out of Forks' High.

"I haven't told Alice," I said unsteadily, remembering the way he drove.

"It's ok, I saw her in the parking lot and I told her."

As soon as he said that, my cell phone rang. It was Alice.

"Put on your seat belt," he said to me.

"Hi Alice," I answered as I yanked the belt across my torso.

"I just wanted to make sure he got to you," Alice said. "But after seeing him drive out of the lot like that, I'm not so sure I'm ok with the idea anymore."

I smiled to myself and glanced at him out of the corner of my eye.

"I'll see you at home," I said. "It's not far away, don't worry." Then I snapped the phone shut.

Finally, some solace in his presence without the multitude of distractions. Geez, I felt like an American Gladiator after having to push through the various obstacles just to get to the quiet in the car with him. He drove with his left hand on the wheel and his right elbow resting on the low partition between us. My eyes dropped to his fingers briefly, wondering if it would be too forward to put my hand over his. But of course I chickened out and instead I turned my gaze outside.

One kiss, and already all I could think about was physical contact. Not like me, not like me at all.

"She's upset isn't she?" He asked, pulling my attention back into the car.

I shook my head and shrugged. "She just thinks you drive like an asshole."

"Ha," he snorted. "Has she ever driven with her little sister?"

"I only did that once," I laughed. "I don't usually drive like that I told you."

And though it was finally great to be alone with him, I couldn't get the image of Victoria out of my head. It wasn't even _her_ that bothered as much as the fact that I knew Edward expected me to tell him about any interaction with her. And I really hated talking to him about Tanya and Victoria.

I hated the way his eyes went abject and the way he'd go all rigid with tension whenever we talked about them. To me, they weren't worth the energy he put into them. They were just bored bullies looking for their next bully fix and I just happened to be the guinea pig. But I knew he would find out about it anyway, just like he did the first time. And more than hating the way he changed when we talked about them, was his anger and frustration with me when he found out that I didn't tell him about an incident. So I sighed and resigned myself to the lesser of the two pains.

"Are you cold?" He asked.

"No," I answered, even though I was. The rain had dampened my hair and I felt it seep through the neck line of my sweater. "I have to tell you something."

He slowed down and glanced over at me.

"I'm listening."

I closed my eyes to say it, because I didn't want to see the change in his eyes.

"Victoria," I muttered.

He swerved the car over to the side of the road briskly and the tires squealed when the car jerked to a sudden stop.

"Geez," I sprang open my eyes. "Could that have been any more dramatic?"

He leaned over the partition under his elbow and closed in the space between us with a strenuous expression on his face.

"I'm listening," he repeated, in a much deeper tone. I sighed and glanced down at his mouth, feeling dangerously excited by the proximity of his face to mine.

"She approached me just now after school and threatened me again."

"What did she say?"

"She said to stay away from you if I cared about your and my well being," I shrugged.

He swore through clenched teeth and pushed off the elbow rest back into his seat.

"You know Edward," I countered. "I don't really get why this is such an issue. So she's a bully. What is she _actually _going to do to me?" I rolled my eyes.

"There's something I haven't told you about Victoria," he said, turning his stare on me again. "She practices witchcraft and she uses it to haze and hurt people."

"_Witch_craft?" I scoffed with a short, clipped laugh. "What, like spells and voodoo and magic books and all that crap?"

He wasn't amused by my casual dismissal of it and he came over the partition again, drawing my eyes down to his mouth once more.

"It's the truth," he grunted.

"Then I hope she turns you into a frog. That way you'd have to kiss me again in order to switch yourself back."

"Don't joke about it Bella!" His eyes were piercing and I was disappointed that he didn't just laugh then kiss me right there in the car. "She enjoys hurting people and she has an extensive track record of being kicked out of various schools for violence, among other unfavorable things. When she gets hooked on something, she doesn't back down."

He let out a harsh breath through his nostrils and leaned back in his seat.

"This is not something I'm willing to play with," he finished.

I raised my eyebrows, beginning to get frustrated with it myself. I loathed the fact that Victoria and Tanya were like nagging nits that I just couldn't get out of my goddamned hair and the fact that we were talking about them at all after the most epic moment of my life that day, was nauseating. I gave myself a mental kick then for bringing it up in the first place. In my haste to get it over with, I'd managed to spoil the mood completely.

"So what ….you're going to let her tell us what to do?" I complained. "You're going to stay away from me because you're afraid she's going to do something stupid?"

He turned his head to me and this time when he leaned over the arm rest, it was with a different kind of smolder in his eyes.

"Bella, _nothing_ can keep me away from you. I'm not capable of that kind of control, not anymore," he traced the outline of my face with his index, found a few strands of hair on my cheek and pushed it back gently behind my ear. Then he leaned in closer and dropped a kiss on the tip of my nose before returning to his seat with a loaded sigh.

Finally, contact, and it was just as distracting as I wanted it to be. Every bit of frustration oozed out of me and I was relaxed again.

"Good," I said, with a small nod. "Because from now on Edward, the only person that can get me to stay away from you...is you."

He smiled with his eyes forward, then pulled off down the street.

"Then that means however, that we have to figure out a way to deal with Victoria," he grunted.

"What about Tanya?" I asked. "Isn't she a part of this too? Why does it feel like Victoria is suddenly public enemy number one when Tanya was the one that started it all?"

"Tanya is a self centered and spoilt brat, but she's not dangerous. All she did was give Victoria a reason to victimize somebody. Tanya likes being associated with anyone or anything that's perceived as dangerous or powerful," then he glanced at me uncomfortably. "And I think that's half of the reason why she was so fixated on me. But in any case, she's associated with Victoria and is very easily influenced, so you need to stay away from them both."

I peered at him thoughtfully, abhorring the topic of conversation, but something he said stimulated my antennae.

"So…_are_ you dangerous Edward?" I asked, half playing, half wondering.

"Not serial killer dangerous, no…but in other ways…" and he glanced over again with a distorted look in his eyes. "Maybe."

"Like how?" I turned in to face him and folded my arms across my chest.

We pulled up in front of my house just then and I saw Alice swing out from behind us and pull into the driveway. We both looked at her get out of the Porsche, throw us a disparaging look over her shoulder, then disappear into the house. Once she was in, I turned back and tried to get an answer from him.

"Edward?"

"I was emotionally unavailable. It was a challenge for her. The danger was getting too close and risk losing…that's all," he turned away and shifted in his seat, revisiting the withdrawn and shut off part of him that made him stony and hard to reach. I didn't want to talk about any of it anymore…or at all in the first place, so I tried to feign an upbeat attitude and smiled encouragingly at him. And though there was something about his demeanor right then that triggered off a silent alarm in my head, I ignored it and pressed on smartly.

"Thanks for the ride," I chirped. He turned back to me and I saw the dark veil fall away from his face.

"May I come in?" He smiled his lazy, half smile. "I don't think your sister would appreciate me smothering you in my car."

"Though," I raised an eyebrow at him. "You aren't actually smothering me, sooo…"

He pushed through the space between us then with a dangerously sexy smile on his lips, grabbed the back of my head and pulled my face toward his. His mouth wasn't as demanding as before, but the kiss was still loaded with tense, overwrought passion, making our tongues glide together in urgent, synchronic union.

It wasn't long, though I would have liked nothing better than to climb over that thing between us and sit in his lap again with my hands delving into his hair; but he pulled out and pressed his lips firmly against mine in a closing gesture. I wanted more of that, much more, and I knew he wouldn't give it to me if we had gone into my house, because he'd be too conscious that Alice was around. There was something about him that seemed indefinite and it was the very same thing that tortured me when I first realized I was falling for him. He was right when he said that he was unavailable. Because even though he had expressed an interest in me and had made lovely gestures through music and with his kisses, his eyes hinted at issues rooted deep inside of him that kept him partly closed off from the rest of the world.

"I have an idea," I said in a drugged voice.

"Yeah?"

"Why don't I go over to your place instead of going in there?" I gestured with my thumb to my front door. "We still have to put together our assignment and your library is much more conducive to study."

"I like it," he grinned, still remarkably close to my face.

"Ok then, come in and give me a second?"

"Sure."

When we entered the house, Alice was in the kitchen picking at a bowl of cereal. We walked in to greet her, and I could tell that she was irritable.

"Cereal in the afternoon?" I asked her.

"I'm hungry," she countered. "Besides, you don't cook anymore, so what else am I going to eat?"

Edward looked over at me with raised eyebrows. "You cook?"

I rolled my eyes self consciously and busied myself with the task of getting water from the fridge.

"I can," I answered.

"She's a great cook," Alice cut in. "But she doesn't like to do it anymore."

"Alice," I shot her a warning glance to shut her big mouth. She was always sensitive about my behavior as it related to Charlie and the divorce. She didn't resent our connection but at the same she didn't like the way it seemed to control me. And she knew that my not wanting to cook anymore had a lot to do with him and way it reminded me of him not eating properly.

"Please," I continued. "I'm not in the mood."

"You rarely are," she raised her eyebrows then held rolled her eyes at Edward as she bent her head for another spoonful.

"Edward, would you like something to drink?" I asked him.

"Naw, I'm ok," he replied, leaning against the wide arced entrance to the kitchen.

"I'm going over to Edward's now to finish an assignment," I said to her. She and I had been somewhat estranged ever since our move to Forks and it bothered me. I knew it was my fault because I shut her out a lot through my difficulty in expressing my feelings. But at the same time, I wasn't the feelings sharing type and most of the time I was so embarrassed with myself anyway, that I felt the need to keep it all inside. I detested letting people know the truth about how I suffered, because truth be told, I annoyed myself and I often wished that I was better at coping with stuff. And the idea of burdening someone else with my crap was a turn off, so it was usually easier to deal with things quietly until it passed.

I did however, miss her terribly and I longed for the days before the family drama started when she and I were inseparable and things were easier.

She shrugged when I told her about my plans for the afternoon and swallowed a mouth full.

"Just call mom," she said, keeping her eyes on her bowl. "You know she'll freak out when she comes home and you're not here, and I don't want to be the one to explain anything to her. I'm not getting in the middle of the two of you."

"I will," I nodded, than turned to Edward. "I just need to get my laptop. I have the work I've done saved on it. I'll only be a minute."

He nodded and I made haste up the stairs to get to my laptop, nervous about the third degree I was sure Alice would give him in my absence.

As fast as I could, I shoved my laptop into its bag and surveyed myself in my mirror. My coat really was large and bulky looking. So I tossed it for another smaller, shorter one that Alice had given me when we found out we were moving to Forks. I smirked at myself when I saw it and worried that I was being obvious. The thought of Edward alone downstairs with an irritated Alice however, shifted me back into gear and I rushed out with the new coat and laptop.

I thumped down the stairs in my boots and met Edward in the same spot I had left him. He turned when he heard me and Alice got off her stool to take her wares to the sink. The air between them was definitely charged with some kind of mild tension that they both tried to smother when I entered; and when I looked at Edward with questioning eyes he just smiled and reached out to slide the strap of my laptop carrier off my shoulder so that he could hold it. I saw him notice my change in coat and when Alice turned around she pulled her lips up in an amused smirk and shook her head.

"What?" I asked her.

"Slowly but surely," she said eyeing me down from head to toe, looking rather pleased with herself.

"Never," I answered with a half chuckle and followed Edward to the door.

Once we were in the car, I pulled out my cell and called Esme. She was hesitant about my plans, but she wasn't opposed to the idea. Her only request was that I come back early.

On the way to his house, Edward put his elbow on the rest in the middle and took my hand in his. I closed my fingers around his appreciatively and felt a slight chill creep up my arm when he started rubbing his thumb against the back of my hand. I really hoped he knew what he was doing when it came to the health of my heart, because the things that he stirred in me were way past controlling by that point. I was had, hook-line-and-sinker.

"I like this look," he said as he appraised my coat with his eyes. "It's good on you."

"Thanks," I smiled squeezing his hand gently, to which he responded likely.

"What did Alice say to you?" I asked. I knew Alice wasn't his biggest fan and being Alice, she suffered absolutely no qualms about making her point known.

"Not much," he shrugged. "Just that she'd torture me twenty different ways before killing me if I screwed up."

I rolled my eyes and let out a short breath. "Sorry about Alice," I smiled. "She thinks she needs to protect me."

"So do I," he squeezed my hand and I rested my gaze on the physical connection between us. "So I can appreciate where she's coming from. You tend to have that kind of effect on people."

"I'm not really the damsel in distress you know," I responded, keeping my eyes on our hands. "I don't need to be protected as fiercely as everyone thinks. I can take care of myself."

"That doesn't mean we shouldn't want to keep you safe. Since I've known you, you've managed to attract your fair share of trouble. And I've known you all of two weeks now."

His thumb continued to make tender little circles on my hand. He sure had the unique ability to operate on two completely opposite sides of the spectrum all at the same time. He could be a raging force of fire, rigged with passion and intensity, and still know how to be tender and controlled, without much effort.

"You make it sound like there were so many things. There's only the one hospital incident I can remember."

"Well there's that, the almost accident with your crazy driving, threats from Tanya, threats from Victoria, a grotesque amount of attention from douche bags at school….and well….me."

I shot my eyes up to his profile. "You're trouble?"

"So says my reputation," he smirked. "And your sister."

"Alice doesn't know anything. She only thinks she does," I shook my head. "I don't see anything the matter with you and I've tried to, believe me." My gaze dropped to our hands again, still clasped between us. "The only thing wrong with you is that there _is_ nothing wrong with you and that's completely unnatural."

He released my hand when I said that and a cold snatch of air invaded my palm unexpectedly, making me fist up and pull my hand into my lap. He raked his fingers through his bronze hair and bit down on his jaw unconsciously.

"I'm not perfect Bella," he said, knitting his eyebrows together. "There's a lot that's wrong with me. You just haven't seen it yet."

"Doesn't matter," I said, putting my hand back on the low partition between us, hoping he would take it again. "I don't even care."

He didn't take my hand again but in the next few minutes were driving up the long scenic pathway to his house and Emmett and Rosalie were on their way inside when we pulled up at the front.

"Wait, don't come out yet," Edward said. I watched him emerge from his side and walk around to open my door. I nearly blushed in embarrassment, especially because we had an audience, but Edward just carried on like it was no big deal and retrieved my laptop carrier from the back seat after I had climbed out.

"Hey Bellalita," Emmett laughed as we met them on the wide front porch. He was always mischievously upbeat and pleasant, much in contrast to the object of his affection, plastered to his side.

"Hi Emmett," I returned his smile and nodded at Rosalie. She popped her gum and offered a plastic, half smile.

"What are you two up to?" Emmett continued as he patted Edward boisterously on his back. Edward flashed him a warning look and took my hand to pull me into the house.

"Good job my man," laughed Emmett, sufficiently irritating Rosalie in the process. "You and Bella. Yay."

"We're doing an assignment in the library if Carlisle asks," he said to Emmett, to which Emmett winked playfully. Edward and Rosalie hadn't so much as breathed in each other's direction.

"Homework…_.sure_," Emmett grinned. "Rose and I are just about to some_ homework_ ourselves. Ain't that right babe? Lots of homework to do…??"

And much to her chagrin, he was involving her in his silliness with Edward. Very hurriedly, Edward pulled me toward the staircase and just before we started up, Emmett called out to us.

"Hey Bella." I stopped and turned back to face him, not letting go of Edward. His bulging arm was heavily draped over Rosalie's shoulders and surprisingly enough, she took the weight of his arm comfortably. I would probably have folded under it…easily.

"Edward's a vegetarian," Emmett continued with a very wide grin. "No kind of meat..at all; but don't worry, he's not shy about eating…"

"Shut up Emmett!" Edward screamed from the foot of the stairs, making me jump in surprise. "_Fuck_! You're such a pain in the ass!"

Rosalie slapped Emmett hard in the chest then and shoved him away from her, shooting me a pissed off glare before storming off down the hall somewhere.

"_What?!"_ Emmett threw his hands in the air and took off behind Rosalie. "I'm kidding! _Babe!"_

I looked up at Edward in confusion. "What was…?"

"Ignore him," Edward grunted as he proceeded to pull me up the stairs behind him. Unfortunately, I was absolutely confused and had no idea what had just happened, and whatever it was that Emmett was about to say, though completely lost on me, had clicked immediately with both Edward and Rosalie. And apparently Edward didn't intend on enlightening me.

I stayed quiet, unwilling to admit just how lost I was, but curious at the same time because it had pissed both Edward and Rosalie off. He barged into the library and dropped his things and mine onto the same desk we used the last time we were there. Once the heavy double doors were closed behind us, he seemed to relax.

The marvel of the room hit me again and I looked up in awe at the all the books and tall columns. I had forgotten how magnificent it was in there, as well as I had forgotten the effect it had on me. I sighed deeply as I took in the high walls and ceiling, the thousands of books and the plush rugs under my feet. The smell was nostalgic too. There is nothing else in the world, with the exception of Edward of course, that smelled better than an open book, old or new. I loved the anticipation of pressing my nose to the pages, imagining that I could inhale its story, its history, its journey, and if I could, its knowledge. If only it were that easy. I hadn't done it the last time I was in there, because I was too self conscious with Edward sitting and staring at me, afraid that he would laugh at my idiosyncrasy. It was Edward's soft chuckle that pulled me out of my reverie.

"You're lost in that head of yours," he smiled.

"I'm sorry. I'm such a nerd."

"You're refreshing," he corrected me, putting his arm around my waist to pull me in for a brief hug. "And excruciatingly adorable."

I was thankful that he couldn't see my face bent against his collar bones right then, because my smile was so wide and a mess of glinting teeth, that it would have taken the mighty arm of Mr. Clean himself to scrub it off my face. When he let me go, I turned around quickly and reached for my laptop carrier.

"I have a confession to make," I said, unzipping the bag to retrieve it. "I've already finished my part of our assignment. I only wanted an excuse to get you to bring me here."

"You don't need an excuse to come here," he said, taking a seat at the desk. "Come whenever you want to. Carlisle loves it when people use the library. He's proud of it."

"And he should be," I nodded. He got up then and went over to a desktop station on a wide desk against the wall.

"What's your email address?" He called over his shoulder to me.

"It's ," I answered. "Why? What are you sending me?"

"My part of the assignment. I emailed it to myself so that I could send it to you," he said, settling into the chair at the desktop station.

"You're done?" I was impressed. The only reason I had finished mine was because I was desperately seeking a distraction from constant thoughts of him, and well…because of a slight OCD complex myself, but I didn't expect him to be done as well.

"When did you do it?"

"Last week at the Oak," he said, typing at the keys, then he glanced at me briefly. "While waiting for you."

_What?!_

"When you were _what_?" I asked, walking over to stand behind him. He had just finished attaching a word document to his message.

"I went to the Oak everyday after our fight last week. I thought you would show. You said you liked it there."

My pores rose and I had to encase my arms with my palms in order to rub away the chill.

"Edward," I said in a choked up voice to the back of his head, awed and shocked by what he had just said.

"I did," he snorted and turned around in the chair to look up at me. "I waited for you and I had to find something to pass the time, so I did the stupid assignment. I think I killed the battery in my laptop too, and now I can't use it without the fucking charger plugged in all the time."

I took another step forward and watched him scratch the top of his head, pondering his laptop troubles.

"You waited for me?"

My body started moving on its own volition, overwhelmed by the sudden urge to grab him and kiss him just for being so endearingly wonderful. Without even thinking my hands held his face and I bent my head and pressed my lips on his. I hadn't gotten anywhere with the kiss because he stopped me, held my hands and pulled them away from his face.

"Wait," he said, shifting his eyes seriously between the two of mine. I straightened my back and looked at him get to his feet and guide me over to the couch that he sat on the last time we were in there. But he didn't sit. He pushed me down gently and once I was seated, he parted my knees, drawing a sharp breath from me, then went down and positioned himself on the inside of my thighs on his knees, so that his face was then directly in line with mine. My breath caught in my throat and my speeding heart sent a rush of hot blood into my head and face. I didn't know what he was doing or what to expect; all I knew was that the pulse he sent toward me was as electric as it was demanding and I obliged him with the acquiescence of a hypnotized puppet.

His hands were gentle but intentional as they made their way up my arms and across my shoulders on his fingertips and when they grazed over the skin of my neck, my pores stood on end again. His fingers made their way with the lightness of a feather around my ears and tangled into the hair at the nape of my neck. And just like the first time he kissed me, I felt my body start to quiver.

"I wanted to do this over properly," he whispered into my face with his eyes darkening to a deep smoldering green.

"Our first kiss was …not what I had planned," he exhaled as our noses touched, making me close

my eyes in taut anticipation. Very gently, he started to rub his nose against mine, left to right, then up the side of the bridge and down again, washing my face with his warm breath.

I clawed my way into the leather couch with the death grip of my finger nails, praying that I wouldn't leave holes but unable to let go all the same.

"Breathe, Bella," he whispered teasingly, drawing my attention to the fact that I hadn't exhaled since he started touching me. I opened my mouth, and waiting just behind the walls of my teeth was a huge gust of carbon dioxide that made my chest drop on expulsion. I had to gasp in a new mouthful immediately afterward, followed by a nervous giggle.

He took advantage of the fact that my lips were parted and pressed the tenderest kiss onto them, drawing them together in unison with his. He took his time. He was slow and deliberate. He was gentle. I felt his fingers massage the back of my head, the same time mine were digging into the softness of the couch. His lips and his tongue paid homage to my upper lip with a whetting slither from one corner to the next, then he moved down to my lower lip and sucked it in between his in a sweet suckling gesture and persuasive grazing of his teeth.

My heart hammered like a gorged wild thing in my chest, in the white rabbit's hurry to get oxygenated blood to every corner of my semi comatose body.

He pushed my lips further apart then and very slowly rolled his hot tongue into my mouth in search of a willing companion which he found. I angled my head to the slide slightly so that our tongues could writhe and roll against each other comfortably. His hands came down to my back and with one stealthy grasp he pulled my entire body on to his firmly, freeing the couch of my clutch in the process. As his tongue went in deeper and staked its claim, I wrapped my arms around his shoulder and went straight for his hair. His movements were all measured, they were deep, they were meticulous, they were tender and they were p.e.r.f.e.c.t. Despite what he might think…to me, he was perfection in a human body.

When he was finished excavating my mouth with his tongue, he planted various little kisses one after the other on my plumped lips, ending with a teasing one on the corner of my mouth.

His hands were the first to move, down my arms and onto my thighs and then he pulled his face away from mine, deliberately slow, easing me out of it before the inevitable crash back down to earth.

It took me a while to open my eyes and when I did, I found that he was gazing at me with a smile in his. And the goddamned quivering just wouldn't relent. He rubbed my thighs up and down and then he transferred his therapy up the length of my arms, trying to still the shaking within me.

"Are you nervous?" He asked softly.

I shook my head and bit down on my lip harshly, trying to find my flattened voice.

"No," I managed to say. "You're very…very..um. Good. At that."

He grinned and bent his head slightly. "I don't think I'll ever have enough of you."

I opened my eyes incredulously and gaped at him. Hedidn't think _he_ could ever have enough of _me._ _Riiiiight. _

There was absolutely no way Edward felt anything even remotely close to the mountain of compounded desire I had erupting inside of me for him.

No way. Uh-uh. Not in this freaking lifetime.

But I smiled at him anyway and somehow managed to relax my fingers in his hair and let go of him completely.

"Was it better than our first? Because I'd like to swap them if I could. I was so rough with you today."

"Well," I croaked in a ridiculously throaty voice. "I have absolutely _no_ complaints about the first one, but if you want to keep trying to top that, _or this_, be my guest. In fact. This just in - I didn't like any, including the short one in the car earlier. I think you should do it again and fix them all. Right now. I think we should. Yup! Definitely."

He laughed softly and kissed the tip of my nose before standing up. I looked at him stroll over to the desk, take something out of his bag and put it into mine.

"What's that?" I asked, pulling myself off the couch.

"It's the second CD I promised you. You liked the first one, so now you get to listen to the second."

I clapped my hands childishly and skipped over to the desk.

"That's right! I actually forgot about it." I grabbed for my bag to pull it out, but he put his hand over mine and stopped me.

"Listen to it when you get home ok," he pleaded and pulled the bag out from under my hand then pushed it over to the opposite side of the desk. "I'll be too embarrassed if you listened to it here."

"Ok," I agreed with a small smile, wondering what could possibly embarrass him about it.

"So, seeing that we have the rest of the evening at our disposal with no assignment to get in our way," he grinned, pushing his hair out of his eyes. "What do you want to do?"

I knew the answer immediately. It was what I had wanted to do ever since the first time I walked into that place. My mouth stretched into the most exaggerated smile and I craned my neck to look up at the towering shelves that wrapped around the room.

"Read," I shrugged contentedly. "I want to lie on the floor against you, and read."

He laughed and pushed his air out of his eyes again. "Ok."

Feeling as happy as a clam, I skipped over to the book shelves and started my rummaging while he kicked off his sneakers, sprawled out on the plush rug near the center and waited for me to join him with his arms folded like a prop under his head.

"You aren't going to find a book too?" I asked him.

He shook his head. "Not today. I'm ok lying next to you while you read. Find something quickly."

So I did.

I grabbed the first classic I found, kicked off my sneakers as he did, and settled down next to him on the floor. He stretched an arm out to receive me and when I lay down next to him with my head on his shoulder, he bent his arm so that he could delve his fingers into my hair. He turned his face in toward me when I opened the book and nestled his face into my hair while he massaged the top of my head with his fingers.

I giggled with a giddy heart and dropped the book onto my stomach.

"How am I supposed to concentrate on reading when you do things like that?"

"I know. I'm having trouble. We _do_ have another option however," he said into my ear.

"What's that?" I closed my eyes. I don't know _how _he didn't hear the booming that resonated from inside my chest.

"You can read _or_ we can make out for hours until it's time for you to go."

"Edward Cullen. That's not fair," I said, turning my face up to his. "You know I won't be able to resist the make out session."

"It will never work though," he laughed and kissed my nose again. "Forgive me, but it only occurred to me after I heard myself say it that perhaps, reading is the safer idea."

"Huh?"

"Bella Swan, if I lie here on the floor next to you, kissing you senseless, it will be next to impossible for me to control myself. Five minutes alone will undo me completely, far less for hours. Good God. What was I thinking? Read. I promise to behave myself."

Then he lifted the book off my stomach and put it in my hands.

"How are you going to ensure that you behave?" I teased him, and he had an answer.

"Listening to music might help."

He eased me off his shoulder and scooted over to the desk with long strides to get his ipod from his bag, then came back over and rearranged us in the exact position as before with my head on his shoulder and his fingers in my hair. Only this time his ear pieces were in and he closed his eyes to listen in peace.

I smiled as I watched him, still not able to believe all that had happened since the night before when he showed up on my doorstep with a CD in hand. For the first time since I arrived in Forks, or probably since I'd known myself, hours upon hours elapsed without a single thought or worry about Charlie.

I opened the book in my hands and drew it down to my nose so that I could smell the pages. Then I closed my eyes and smiled to myself in secret wonder.

Just as I expected, the_ second_ best scent in the world.


	21. Chapter 21 Inside her head

Important chap. Enjoy. Thanks for reading.

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**Chapter 21 – Inside her head**

Bella had a quiet spirit that I was drawn to. There aren't many people I want to be around, far less every minute of the damned day because I was very easily irritated with people. Jasper was the only cretin that didn't make me want to break something in agitation whenever I hung out with him. He didn't complain or bitch or judge my temperamental jack ass tendencies, and that made him bearable.

Basically, I hated having people around me and though it wasn't something I was particularly proud of, it wasn't something I could undo very easily either. Suddenly however, since meeting Bella, there was no else I wanted around me as much as her. I wanted her all the time, every day, every hour, every minute; and when I couldn't have her with me the _instant_ I craved her, I went berserk with impatience.

Tuesday afternoon in the library at my house was special. I got exactly what I needed from her, peace of mind, and an escape from all the fucked up mess that plagued my thoughts all the time. I'd also gotten the opportunity to fix our first kiss. It had bothered me that the kiss panned out the way it did. Initially, it wasn't supposed to be that heated or demanding or overwrought with all the sexual things that I wanted to unleash on her. I had wanted it to be gentle and thoughtful like she deserved, though she surprised me very early on with the kind of passion she was capable of. Rubbing the most discreet parts of her body frantically against me like she did; and it was so temptingly delicious it was almost criminal.

It was her note that tripped me off. The implication that she thought all I wanted from her was friendship when I was very clearly keeling over from my feral attraction to her, was incentive enough to just set the fucking record straight and kill all that evasive shit, once and for all. I knew immediately that I had done the right thing in going after her, and finally it felt like she wanted this nearly as much as I did.

When I took her home, I had to face Alice and although Alice wasn't as cold as I'd expected her to be, she still threatened me in a way that suggested that she almost _wanted_ me to screw up just so that she'd have a reason to fuck with me.

_Fuck_, girls are so over the top dramatic. Between Rosalie, Tanya, Victoria and now Alice, it started to feel like I had estrogen fucking pouring out of my ears.

Bella on the other hand, was easy to be around. She wasn't caught up in appearances and strangely enough she was the only girl that ever seemed genuinely interested in what came out of my mouth instead of what came out of my pants. And a large part of that I knew was because she was a virgin and she didn't know the first thing about going after a guy because he looked like a fuck toy. It was such a relief that she was a virgin, because it meant that I didn't have to worry about the complications that usually spawned after having sex. Sex had a way of making girls go crazy. The moment that line was crossed, in my experience, it was the beginning of the end. And not having all that crap to worry about for once, was refreshing.

---------------------------------

She was in the best mood on Wednesday, the day after I gave her the second CD with the song I wrote. On the way to school in my car she looked over with a mysterious smile and nodded.

"You have a beautiful voice. I meant to tell you that ever since that time at the Oak. Thank you for that song. I was blown away."

"I'm glad you liked it," I responded.

"I didn't like it Edward, I loved it. You're amazingly talented. And I've never had a song written about me before. Thank you."

By Friday that week, it seemed to be an unspoken understanding that we were exclusive. I took her to school every day, we had lunch together, albeit among the probing eyes of the rest of the school and those at our table. I took her home on afternoons and then she'd come over to my house to do our homework in the library.

The rest of that week went by pretty smoothly with no major incident taking place. I stayed very close to her in school whenever I could to ensure that Tanya and Victoria couldn't approach her again. The times I couldn't be with her, I had classes across the quad with the two of them anyway, so it worked out fine. Friday after school, I had walked across the courtyard to meet her outside of her last class; and low and fucking behold, Victoria was pinned to the door frame, supposedly waiting for her too. As soon as she spotted me, she pretended to be fumbling with the strap of her top and when she tried to walk away I grabbed her by her elbow and pulled her around to face me.

"This time _I'm_ warning _you_," I growled into her face. "Stay away from Bella Victoria. Don't make me find a way to stop you and believe me, there are ways."

She never attempted to pull her arm away. She smiled coyly, tossed her hair over her shoulder and raised her chin.

"So it's a challenge then?"

I narrowed my eyes at her, wanting so badly to just bite the smirk off of her fucking face. It was impossible to hate a person more than I hated her in that moment and it frustrated me that I felt helpless in my ability to completely protect Bella. I knew that if I was pushed far enough I would do something to get myself into trouble and I couldn't afford to get into anymore trouble at school, especially for something as taboo as knocking a bitch out cold.

She pouted her feline lips up at me. "Make a deal?"

I shoved her away from me roughly and folded my arms across my chest.

"_You_ stay away from her," she continued. "And I will."

"What the fuck gives you the right to try and control my life? Who the fuck are you? What the hell are you planning Victoria?" A little more and I'd have been blowing lethal fire out of my mouth. Torching her face would have been great. I've never wanted to hurt a girl before, but people like Tanya and Victoria were particularly gifted in provoking a certain dormant monster inside me.

"Who do I think _I_ am? What about you? You go around like you own the fucking place, walking all over people, using them for what you want and then throwing them away like trash when you've had enough. And since when are_ you_ a noble shtick anyway? What the fuck is this protective, super hero act about? I know the real you. You don't really care. You don't care about anyone but yourself. In fact, I think I'm doing the weird girl a favor. We both know that once you've gotten what you want from her, you're just going to discard her. It would do her good to stay away from you. She just doesn't know it yet."

Bella appeared right then and held on to my hand briskly. From the corner of my eye I noticed that her face looked a sickly pallor, sufficiently freaked out by what she had walked in on.

"You don't know the first thing about me," I took a step closer toward Victoria. "I'm so fucking tired of all of it. Go ahead, just give me a good enough reason and…."

"Edward." Bella interjected. "Let's go."

Victoria turned all her focus on Bella then and just as she was about to open her mouth, Bella pulled me away with a firm hand down the hall, through the curious herds of onlookers and out into the courtyard. And it was probably a good thing too, because I was just getting fucking warmed up.

"I wasn't done yet," I grunted as I swung my arm around Bella's shoulders and guided her toward my car.

"It's not worth it," she countered. "She likes it when we argue with her. We're giving her the attention she wants. We mustn't let her think she's getting under our skin or she'll never stop."

I took her to my house again that afternoon straight from school and this time Carlisle was in the library, much to my disdain, waiting for us.

"Hi kids," he said casually as we walked in.

"Hey," I answered with an arched and susupicious eyebrow.

"Hi Dr. Cullen," Bella smiled.

"You can call me Carlisle, Bella," he said as he approached us. "You seem to like it in here. You've been in here every day for the past week or two. Am I right?"

"I love it in here," she answered confidently, still displaying the show of courage I'd seen in school in front of Victoria. I was starting to think that she really wasn't quite as fragile as I thought she was. "Not only is it cozy and beautiful, but it's useful too. There's so much I can do in here for school _and_ for leisure. I hope you don't mind that I come over so much. Edward has been very generous with it."

Carlisle studied her with calculating eyes for a few seconds, nodded with a tight lipped smile, then looked over at me.

"I don't mind at all," he said. "In fact, I'm glad that it's finally in use again. We don't use it often enough and the literature seemed to be going to waste." He skimmed his eyes across the shelves and then he shoved his hands in his pockets and walked past us toward the doors.

"It's nice to see you in good health Bella," he paused before exiting and the look in his eyes started to bug me. He was snooping.

"Edward," he said before closing the doors. "Come and see me before you turn in tonight please."

And then he left.

"Fuck," I swore as I dropped my things onto the desk.

"What's the matter?"

I sighed and pushed my hair back over the top of my head.

"He's wants to interrogate me about you," I answered her.

She raised her eyebrows and made a silent 'O' with her mouth as she rested her things on the desk as well.

"Well," she pursed her lips, dropping her weight into the chair. "What are you going to tell him when he asks?"

"The truth," I answered matter-of-factly, taking my seat. I emptied the contents of my bag onto the table. We might as well have done some homework since we were there. The sound of texts slapping down on the desk and shuffling paper wasn't exactly what I'd had in mind for a Friday afternoon.

"Mind enlightening me about what the _truth_ is?" She asked, keeping her eyes carefully diverted from mine. "Just so that I'll know what to tell Esme when she asks too."

"The truth is," I began with a smirk. "That I can't seem to get rid of you. You're like this acquired second shadow that I can't…. _Ouch!_ Hey!"

She hoisted a heavy text at my head which I deflected with my hand and nicked my wrist in the process.

"That's not funny," she pouted adorably.

"Good aim," I laughed as she folded her arms across her chest.

"Come on," I said, rubbing at my wrist. "You know I can't get enough of you."

"That's still very poor. I can't imagine what your father will think when you tell him that the nature of our relationship is that you can't get enough of me." She rolled her eyes.

"Then…" I leaned over the table and placed my hands, palms up in the centre for hers. "..I'll tell him that you're my girl. Let's see how he likes that."

She tried to hold her pout a little longer, but the glint her eyes showed her excitement and before long she was smiling a winning smile.

"I'm your girl?" She asked with a slight bounce in her shoulders.

"Hell yeah," I winked at her and wriggled my fingers on the desk, trying to get her to take the hint and put her hands in mine.

"So I'll tell Esme that you're my boyfriend then?" She grinned as she placed her hands in mine.

"Hell yeah," I repeated and squeezed her hands on the table. It felt good to make her happy. Over the past few days I hadn't seen her look depressed once ,and so what, I felt proud about that.

"And Bella?"

"Yes?"

"That makes you my first girlfriend."

She opened her eyes wide and laughed out loud, yanking her hands away from mine so that she could point an accusing finger at me.

"You're such a liar Edward Cullen!"

"It's the truth," I chuckled with three fingers in the air. "Scout's honor."

"Now I know you're lying, 'cause you're not a scout either."

Suddenly, I felt something twist in my gut and I had to bite down on my jaw hard in order to control my expression.

"But I was," I answered, pushing the threatening imagery out before it could crash down on me. I took a deep breath and stood up, trying to find a new focus and thankfully, Bella hadn't seemed to notice my difficulty because she went on about the girlfriend thing.

"Oh. But how can I be your first girlfriend when you have so much drama with girls?"

"That's _exactly_ why I've never had a girlfriend. I didn't say I haven't been with girls. But it's not the same thing. I tend to stay away from…avoidable complications. Yall are some scary shit. Before you, I thought that females were just one homogenous breed, possessed with the same scary characteristics and unlikeable tendencies."

"And now?" She arched an eyebrow.

"Now I still think the same thing. _You_ must have fallen through the cracks somewhere."

"Well. I'm actually shocked," she smiled, opening one of her notebooks. "I didn't see that one coming. Me, your first actual girlfriend. Who'd have thought?"

I frowned down at her and rubbed at my chin thoughtfully. I'd always assumed that in her obvious chasteness that she'd never been in a relationship before, but looking down at her just then, I suddenly wasn't sure anymore and a stab of unjustifiable jealousy stabbed me at the thought of her with someone else before me.

"Have you had a boyfriend before?" I asked, taking my seat again opposite her. She kept her head in her book purposely, because she knew I was trying to get eye contact.

"What do you think?"

"I don't know. I'm actually confused about it," I scowled.

She raised her head then and pulled up one corner of her mouth in a flirty and mysterious half smile.

"I've actually had two."

Well I almost fell out of my chair with the way my heart dropped into my stomach. When the fuck did _that _happen? And how the fuck had she managed to stay so virginal….wait a minute….

I knew she enjoyed the flabbergasted look on my face, so for my own benefit, I tried to readjust my expression.

"Ok, so now I have to ask…."

"Yes I'm a virgin," she flushed immediately and shifted her gaze back to her text, bending her head so low that her hair fell into her face.

"You're hiding from me," I said, about to get up and walk over so that I could raise her face and free her eyes of her hair. "I don't like it when you hide from me. There's nothing to be embarrassed about."

She raised her head and gently flicked the hair out of her eyes with a budge of her head.

"It's one of the things I like most about you," I went on to say with intentional seriousness. "The fact that you're untainted is beautiful."

"Can we change the topic?" she asked, still an unnatural shade of red, especially on her pale skin.

"Ok, but can I ask about your ex boyfriends? Because I'll be forced to make my own assumptions and trust me…you don't want that."

She sighed, but she smiled.

"I was fourteen. Both were during the summer break that same year. The first one lasted three days, the second was his brother and that one lasted two weeks."

"His _broth_…you little vixen. You never fail to shock me Bella Swan. What the hell's the story?"

"It's actually no big deal. The second brother who was the younger of the two wanted to get back at his older brother for something I can't even remember now. So he used me to do it. I was stupid. I was naïve and I was hurt because the first one had dumped me after I refused to kiss him.….whatever. It's stupid. I now hate them both."

"You refused to kiss your boyfriend?" I drawled in mock disbelief. She narrowed her eyes at me and twisted her mouth.

"He had braces and I was nervous. I would have kissed him eventually, but he wouldn't wait. Boys are the devil."

"_Girls _are the devil."

She laughed out and shook her head. It felt so good to be able to banter with her like that. As sensitive as she came across, she certainly was a stubborn, feisty little thing and I found myself being pleasantly surprised by it.

We did homework for a while until I got fed up and went over to the computer across the room to check my email. I was waiting for a response from a guy in Port Angeles called James. James had a band that he roamed with and I played with him from time to time whenever he was around. His email confirmed that he'd be back in Port Angeles soon and I'd be able to play at one of his gigs. Sounded great.

When I turned back to Bella, she was pulling a book off the bookshelves. It looked like the same book she'd been reading all week, _The Call of the Wild_, by Jack London. And as selfish as I was, I turned off the computer and went to her side as she lay down on the floor to read. I took a spot on my stomach beside her, wanting her to focus on me instead of the book, like a spoiled brat. I knew that if I'd left her get engrossed in reading I'd have lost her for the rest of the afternoon. Besides, there was something in particular I wanted to talk to her about, and seeing that we had agreed that we were exclusive, I'd hoped that it meant we could start breaking down some barriers.

"Hey girlfriend," I smiled down at her, propped up on my elbows.

"Yes boyfriend," she stuck her tongue out at me and giggled.

"Seeing that we're exclusive now," and I realized that I would have to thread very lightly with what I was about to ask of her. "And we're getting to know more about each other, would you be ok with me asking you about some _other _personal stuff?"

She frowned up at me pensively and rested the book down on her stomach. "Like what?"

I lowered my head a bit and maintained eye contact with her, afraid of the way she might react to my question. We were going so well all week and she was happy all along. I knew it was a huge risk, going where I expected she didn't want to, but there was an important part of her I still felt separated from and I expected she felt the same way about me as well. We never spoke in any detail about our families with each other and I knew that inevitably I would have to open up to her; especially in light of the fact that I wanted her to open up to me. But the wheels had to be put in motion and this was my careful attempt at doing so.

"Like what's the _whole story_ about you and your dad?" I held my breath, bracing myself for the worst, but she stayed calm and took two steadying breaths before shutting her eyes. "I feel like there's something big I don't know about."

"It's time isn't it?" She asked and I nodded even though her eyes were closed.

"If it's ok with you. I mean…I don't want you to feel pressured, but I hope you know that you can trust me with anything."

"I'm sorry about before," she shook her head slightly from side to side, still keeping her eyes closed. I figured it was her way of hiding seeing that she didn't have the advantage of using her hair while lying on her back.

"What about before?"

"The last time you tried to ask me about it, when I freaked out on you. I just wasn't ready yet. At the time, I was still so tortured about you and about everything that was happening with him at the same time."

I stayed quiet, allowing her to find her own pace with it.

"But I think…"she opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling straight above her. "I think I might be ok with it now."

I wished she would look at me. I saw that her breathing picked up slightly, judging from the pace in which her chest rose and fell. Then finally, she shifted her eyes to mine and I shuffled around closer to her for comfort.

"Promise me something first?" She asked nervously.

"Anything Bella."

"Promise me you won't freak out and run away when I tell you. I don't know if I'll be able to cope with that."

I frowned and scoffed softly. "Like anything you could ever say or do could scare me away from you."

She closed her eyes again and took another deep breath.

"You'd be surprised. But anyway. Here goes….I don't know what it's called exactly but I have my own name for it. Empathic Synergy," she began. "And I've never met another person who can experience it the way I do. But ever since I was little, my dad and me, we've been very close, practically inseparable until the divorce and_ not _in a sick perverted way. Like father and daughter except that it's like we're the same person, split into separate bodies. It's very strange I know and that's the best way I can describe it."

I didn't say anything when she paused. I only listened and watched carefully as she swallowed before she began again.

"Whenever Charlie experiences physical pain, so do I. And note carefully that I say physical pain and _not _pleasure."

I frowned down at her, and thank goodness she couldn't see my distorted expression with her closed eyes. I tried to withhold the questions that immediately started flooding my head.

"Once he gets hurt, I feel his pain…in my body, though I don't get his injury. Somehow, his pain transfers to me no matter how far apart we are and I think it transfers through my mind, though I'm not sure how."

My face had frozen in some combination of shock and amazement. I didn't fully understand what she was telling me, though what she said seemed pretty straightforward. Her pause was longer than before and I realized that she was waiting for some kind of reaction from me.

"Explain," I uttered unsteadily and I saw her flinch slightly. My nerves were all jacked up by then, but when I saw her start to recoil, I lowered my head next to hers and whispered into her ear by way of offering her some support.

"It's ok," I said. "Relax. I'm not freaked out."

_Yet._

She exhaled a pent up breath and swallowed.

"It happened twice before I moved to Forks, when I was still very young. Once he was shot on the job and I felt it while I was at school. The second time, he fell off the roof of our house and broke his both legs and I swore it felt like I had broken mine too. Except, I was perfectly fine though the pain was excruciating, and it stayed with me until I knew he was ok. Since moving to Forks, well it's been more often and I think it's because I'm much more focused on him now that we're apart. Because I miss him so much. I've had frequent headaches, chest pains and nausea – all effects from his hangovers, and then two weeks ago, in school…." Her voice trailed off.

"Go on."

"The incident in school….that was him. It's why Carlisle couldn't find anything wrong with me when he checked in the hospital."

"And why you were perfectly fine so shortly afterward….like nothing had happened." I started putting the pieces together.

"Yes."

"What happened to him that day? Your dad."

She squeezed her eyes in even tighter then and fused her eyebrows together.

"Someone tried to kill him."

Again, I blanched and that time my mouth fell open.

"_What?"_

"His girlfriend tried to strangle him to death and I felt it. It's why I couldn't breathe and why I had fainted."

"Fuck."

"Yes. Fuck."

I widened my eyes that time for a completely different reason. Bella had just said '_Fuck_.'

And it was just like me to be so easily distracted by something so nonsensical. I shrugged it off and tried to focus on the more important issue at hand, lowering my entire body down to the floor so that I could bury my face in my hands. The profoundness of what she was explaining to me was massive and I understood why she was afraid to talk about it. I also remembered the fight we had and when I had told her that she couldn't know real grief until she lost someone to death. She had screamed at me then that she almost did. And this was what she was talking about. Her father had almost died. I felt even more the monumental jack ass in that moment.

"Is he ok?"

"Yes"

"Did you feel...everything?"

"Yes."

I closed my eyes and tried to control my erratic heartbeat with slow breathing. This was much, _much _more serious than I'd thought. I'd never have figured this out on my own.

"Can he do it too? Feel your pain?"

"No."

My eyes sprang open then and I raised my body back onto my elbows and found that she was staring up at the ceiling. Our eyes connected and I could see that she was trying to read me, to see how I was coping with it. I tried my best.

"How come?"

"I don't know," she turned away. "I don't know if it's because I'm overly sensitive to him. I don't know if it's because I'm obsessive compulsive. I don't know if it's because I'm just plain old gifted, or maybe because I just love him more than he loves me. All I know is that I can feel him, but he can't feel me."

"Don't say that he doesn't love you as much you love him," I shook my head. "You're just different to him, even though you feel like the same."

_How very, very odd_.

Even hearing myself say it was surreal. Just then the most terrifying thing occurred to me and I had to sit up in order to contain my fright.

"What happens if he dies?" I asked with crazed eyes. "If he had actually died, would you have…"

"No," she shifted her eyes and stared steadily into mine.

"Explain, please."

"Whenever it happens, a gap appears in my head, for want of a better word, and the gap acts like a bridge between his reality and mine, keeping them two separate entities. It's almost as if I can see him on the other side too. The whole time, that gap stays and even though I feel his pain, I know it's not mine. There is always this overwhelming presence of his inside of me when it's happening and so long as the gap is there, I'm safe. It keeps me safe on the my side, while he's on his. The symptoms are always temporary and once the gap disappears so does the pain. And I never suffer an actual injury from him. It's all in my mind."

"Yes, but…our minds are connected to our bodies Bella. If something happens to damage your mind, it would also damage your body. Couldn't that kill you?"

"I said no."

I backed off a bit. She didn't like that route, so I decided to divert.

"Can you control it?"

"No."

"Have you tried?"

She paused and turned her face away. "No."

"Are you _willing_ to try?"

"No," she repeated again and with every successive _"No",_ she grew more and more abject. She shoved herself off the floor and walked away toward the bookshelves where she turned her back to me.

I stood up too, but stayed put, shoved my hands into my pockets and stared at her tense back, in deep thought. Well, one thing was for certain. I wasn't freaked out by it, so to speak, though I was shocked senseless, but I knew that I didn't like it. If there was a way to help her, I would find it and already I could tell it would be like forcing a stubborn child to take medicine. She wanted to stay connected to him like that, I could tell.

_Self destructive little fawn. _Maybe she_ was_ like him after all.

"You hold on to it because it makes you feel close to him." It was more of an observation than a question and her refusal to answer confirmed it.

"What if you don't know Bella?"

"Don't know what?"

"What if you don't know the strength of this thing? What if you can really die from it and you don't know?"

"Then I guess we won't know until he dies, right? And then I'm dead anyway, because I can't live without him."

"No!" I cried out. I stormed over to her, took her by shoulders desperately and shook her. "Why do you say things like that?!"

"It's only the truth Edward," she said flatly, with blank eyes. "You wanted me to be honest, and that's the truth. It's how I feel. It's the way my mind works. It's who I am."

"But I've only just found you," I breathed out harshly, pulling her against my chest in a panic. "I can't lose you like that….I've just found you. I won't let it happen."

She hugged me back, but without the passion I felt in her before and _that _was what freaked me out.

_My God_, she was so manic depressive.

How could such a little thing carry around all that responsibility and torture all the time? It was so fucking extreme.

"You can't do anything to stop it Edward. Don't you think Esme has tried? I think she thought that bringing me here would break the bond, but it only made it worse."

"Because you hold on to it."

"You don't understand," she pushed off from my chest and turned away again, but I wouldn't let her remove herself completely, so I held on to her shoulders from behind.

"If I don't look out for him, who will?" She shrugged. "Do you realize that if I hadn't felt him that day in school, Uncle Phil would never have gotten the hint from Esme to go check on him? He would have died Edward. Renee would have killed him if Uncle Phil didn't get there in time to stop her."

And I honestly couldn't take that comfort away from her, the comfort she sought in the fact that she could protect him somehow and that she had prevented his death; because I knew what it was like to lose a parent and that was something I wouldn't wish on anyone, least of all Bella.

It went without saying that my protective instincts for her had increased a hundred fold after that. It seemed like Bella was the universal target for misfortune, and on top of all that, she then had me to thank for additional nuisances like Tanya and Victoria.

It was no wonder Alice was so protective of her and I found a new kind of respect for Alice then. I appreciated her need to look out for Bella because God only knew, I felt it too. Bella needed as much support as she could get. And in the same way she felt the need to look out for and monitor her father all the time, so would I for her. There was no telling when the next thing would transfer to her from Charlie or how serious it would be, but I knew that I wanted to be there when it happened, because it would help if she was around someone who knew what was happening to her.

"Then _you_ need someone to look out for you…" I said to her back. "..while you're looking out for him. And I want to be the one."

That's when she turned to face me with teary eyes and hugged me. I felt the vibe between us revert to our usual closeness and I sighed into her hair with tightened arms around her body.

"You know you're competing with Esme and Alice right?" She raised her head and smiled up at me and her radiance left me spellbound, washing through me in pure white torrents of healing for every dark wound I carried inside of me. I bent my head hastily to hers and kissed her; appreciating the very danger of what she was mixed up in and the fact that at any minute, anything could happen to her to cripple her in the way I had witnessed before; because there no way of knowing what was going on with Charlie at any given time. Maybe I was overreacting, but until I understood in totality, the severity of the situation and the bizarre connection she had to her father, I planned on taking no chances with my panic switch.

When the kiss ended I pulled her back onto the floor where we were before and encouraged her to lie down, because she seemed more relaxed in that position. There were still some things I wanted to know.

"Where is your dad now?"

Her dark brown eyes almost went black when I asked her that and for the first time since talking about it, she seemed more peeved than wounded.

"He's in Phoenix, but he's planning on leaving," she said agitatedly and I figured she was more irritated with him than me at that point.

"Where's he going?"

"I don't know. He won't tell me. He's running."

"From what?"

"His life. Eseme was trying to force him into rehab because she's so messed up about what happens to me every time he gets hurt. She thinks that if he gets better, he won't get into trouble as much and that I would be safer. But he won't go."

"Why not?"

"Because he's angry with Esme about everything. He's trying to get back at her for taking us away…and for leaving him behind."

Another realization occurred to me then, but I dared not voice it because I knew it would hurt her. Apparently, from what I was hearing, daddy dearest wasn't nearly as selfless as his precious little girl, because while she was practically sacrificing herself for his sake, he refused to do the only thing that might help _her_. Rehab was the answer. If he was in better shape, he could avoid drawing so much trouble to himself and that would keep Bella out of a lot of unnecessary danger. I was new to the situation and already I understood what was needed….so what was _his_ problem with the equation?? It was unbearable all of a sudden and I had to get at least part of it out.

"He's not hurting _her _though. He's hurting you."

She turned her face away of course and blinked up at the ceiling.

"Well," she said. "He's damaged and he's going through a lot. And he thinks that if he goes far enough away from me that he will sever the link between us. That's his method of helping, but it'll never work."

"How do you know?"

"Because so far, the further apart we are, the more sensitive I am to him and maybe it's because I worry about him more the farther away he is."

I saw the exhaustion on her face and I knew that talking about it was taking a toll on her. So I decided to back off. She had done great.

"Thank you for telling me," I said as I lowered my body flat onto the floor. She nodded and snuggled up closer to me, so I draped an arm over her stomach and pulled in as tight as I could. We lay like that in silence for a long while. And as we lay, each with our eyes closed, I thought about everything she had told me, refusing to believe that there was nothing she could do to stop it. I was certain that she had the power. If her mind was powerful enough to incite that kind of bond and draw that kind of energy to herself from Charlie, thousands of miles away….then she was more than powerful enough to stop it as well. All she needed was the right focus, and she needed to _want _it to change. But so far, she seemed unwilling to budge and who was I…._Johnny come lately_, to try and force that on her?

The next thing I thought about was _my_ grievous hurdle to clear. Bella had opened up to me trustingly because I had asked her to, so undoubtedly, she'd expect the same of me.

Yes indeed. Next in line was me.


	22. Chapter 22 For the love of Edward

Looking forward to your reviews. It keeps me going. Thanks for reading :)

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**Chapter 22 - For the love of Edward**

I was in love with Edward Cullen.

And the more I realized it, the more I resisted it. Let it be said that naturally, I didn't _want_ to resist the feeling because falling for him was one of the most instinctive pleasures that I had ever experienced. However, being the over analyzing nerve sack that I was, the vulnerability that accompanied that love was also the most frighteningly baring thing that I'd ever been acquainted with. I tried to convince myself that irrevocability as it pertained to adoration, existed only in books and in fantasy, that what I was feeling was just a whole lot of _like_ or a case of intense infatuation. But as the days went by, it got progressively clearer and clearer that Edward Cullen had gotten to my heart and there was absolutely nothing, short of dying, that I could do about it.

It also occurred to me that his perception of himself was very much at odds with who he turned out to be. He had said in his song:

_I'm the worst kind of cruel 'cause I won't let her see _

_The creature that lives and breathes inside of me_

He was very hard on himself and I guessed that it had something, if not everything, to do with the loss of his loved ones and how it had changed him. I could see in his eyes that he battled with strenuous internal struggles on a daily basis, and because of it he was sometimes blunt, harsh and rough around the edges. But for the most part, I had gotten to know a part of Edward that was unlike any of those things; a side of him that was tender and selfless; and I knew very early on that there was no else in the world that could unnerve, distract, own, or even touch me the way he could.

Falling in love is easy. Admitting it to yourself is the hard part. As much as I had him and by some miraculous twist of fate he actually wanted me too, I felt the presence of something unfavorable lingering on the outskirts; a looming threat as grey as the Forks' sky hovering in the back of my mind. I had felt it ever since I told him about Charlie and it didn't matter what I told myself, I couldn't get rid of the eerie discomfort.

Edward and I together seemed too good to be true. I kept expecting the worst, like now that I was actually happy, I was suddenly out of balance with the rest of the universe, that I had stepped out of my given role in life and the forces that governed weren't pleased with me. And because I felt that inevitably it would be taken away, because something that wonderful just _couldn't _be meant for me, I braced myself for it and waited. Perhaps it was just a case of abnormal paranoia, but I wasn't accustomed to things actually going…right.

He got me to tell him about Charlie and at the time I didn't mind. Apart from worrying that he would think I was a freak, I really wanted him to be ok with it and to accept it as a part of me, but instinctively I felt like he didn't. I was grateful for the chance to get it off of my chest and I hadn't realized how great it would be to talk to him about it. But once that relief passed, I was faced with the fact that I then had yet another person's perspective on the issue to deal with. He wanted to protect me like Esme and Alice did, but what he didn't understand - what none of them got, was that _I_ didn't want to be protected from it. I needed my connection to Charlie more than I had ever needed any kind of sustenance in my life, especially since being separated the way we were, and with him deteriorating as quickly as he was. I needed to feel close to him because despite his vices and weaknesses, there was no one else that ever accepted me unconditionally for whom I was, loved me for my idiosyncrasies, loved me for my flaws and shared the same depressive nature as me. He got me.

And though Edward thought he liked me a lot, and he seemed to want to feel all those things for me too, I couldn't shake the feeling that sooner or later he would get bored with me and try to leave. Boys always got bored with me once they realized how closed off and silent I was and sure some of them thought I was pretty and even tried to flirt a little, but the moment they started hanging out with me, they wizened up and disappeared; like in the case of my two '_ex brothers_.' Mike Newton and the other boys at school thought they liked me too, but two whole days with me alone would sufficiently change their course of direction. And maybe it's what I should have done to get Newton to quit.

That's why I found my relationship with Edward surreal. I kept waiting for him to wake up one day and realize his mistake. I waited for him to ask himself…._what the hell am I doing_?! It was a big risk I took in allowing him into my head, but by the time better sense attacked me, it was already too late. Heartbreak was inevitable – it had to be. I was way too vulnerable to him.

And then there was the issue of him wanting to 'cure' me of my connection to Charlie. He had asked me if I could undo it and if I'd ever tried and I could tell by the panicked look in his eyes that he didn't like any of it. Not that I could blame him, but being 'cured' of it was never going to happen. Firstly, I was pretty sure it was impossible and secondly, I didn't want to. And what if it _was_ possible? What if I listened to Edward and everyone else and did it, freed myself of Charlie? And what if after I freed myself something happened to make Edward leave me? What then? No Charlie and no Edward. Nothing. I couldn't let it happen.

No matter what, Charlie would love me forever unconditionally and even if Edward wizened up about me and left, which I half expected he would - at least I'd still have by bond with my father. Besides, Charlie needed the connection though he denied it. It was my way of monitoring him. I would take everything; the pain, the sweat, the tears, the depression – all to be able to share his torture and help him however I could.

--------------------------------

When Edward took me home on Friday night, he invited me to go to Port Angeles with him the next day. He didn't tell me what it was about and seeing that I didn't need a reason to be with him anyway, of course I agreed.

"Hey mom," I said to Esme in the kitchen on Saturday morning. It was already approaching noon when I saw her. "I'm going out to Port Angeles with Edward today."

"Port Angeles? What for?"

"Um…I'm not sure. He asked me and I said yes. Probably a surprise," I shrugged.

She raised her eyebrows sardonically and patted the stool next to her for me to sit. And here it was, the unavoidable conversation about Edward.

I took my seat and let her investigate, just wanting to get it over with as quick and possible.

"You and Edward have been spending a lot of time together lately," she started.

"He's my boyfriend," I blurted out. Quick and painless – straight to the goddamned point. "There, I said it."

She caught her breath and widened her eyes at me. "Oh. That was kind of quick, don't you think?"

I frowned at her like she was crazy.

"No, I don't think. You don't seem to mind Alice having a boyfriend. And she was quicker."

She dropped her shoulders like she was defeated before she even had a chance to dispute. There was no way she could disagree with what I said because it was the truth.

"Just promise me you'll take things slowly," she said, looking at me warily. I hated the way she and Alice treated me as if I was a lost puppy on the perpetual verge of a meltdown.

_I was fine_.

"I'm fine Esme," I said, getting off the stool to get a drink from the fridge.

"How serious are you two? And don't get mad at me for asking. I also asked Alice the same question."

"He's…important," I turned toward her with a glass of juice in my hand. "I don't know how else to answer you."

"Don't get me wrong. I think he's a nice boy,"……nice? "… and I'm grateful to him for the way he helped you in school the other day. His father is extremely devoted to him but from what he's told me… I want you to be careful with Edward. He seems…troubled."

I raised an eyebrow at her and slurped at my drink before washing the glass. "I'm good at troubled, don't forget. Besides, are you and Carlisle like, friends now or something?"

She got off her stool and whisked her way over to the sink to wash her plate, purposely avoiding eye contact.

"Well, he's your doctor and he asks about you all the time," she turned to face me with a dish towel in her hands. "He's very concerned about you. He won't stop asking questions about what happened with you and don't worry, I haven't told him."

I almost barfed. "Great. And the list just keeps getting longer. At this rate I'll have my own entourage by the end of next week."

But there was something unnatural about her stance and I saw a hint of defiance flash through her eyes. It was almost as if she was preparing to defend herself for something. A putrid sensation scattered through me then and I stared at her in disbelief.

"Esme," I chided. "Are you _interested_ in ?"

She shot me an annoyed glare and turned away from me, grabbing at arbitrary dishes from the rack to dry with the towel in her hands.

"Don't be ridiculous," she retorted.

"Those dishes are already dry," I grumbled, pulling one plate from her hand. "Stop avoiding me."

"Bella, leave it alone."

"Esme! You can't…that impossible! This can't be happening."

"What's impossible?" She shot back at me, slapping the towel against the side of the sink.

"You liking Carlisle! Oh my God!"

This had to be it - the looming miasma that would complicate things for Edward and me.

"If you and Carlisle get together… then it's over for Edward and me! I can't be…._related_ to him! Oh gross!"

Not to mention the fact that she was moving on a hell of a lot faster than Charlie was. How much more loss could he take?

"Bella don't be ridiculous," she cut back at me. "You're being childish and irrational."

I folded my arms furiously and kept my eyes locked with hers.

"_Nothing _is going on with Carlisle and me. We're friends," she finished.

"Then why are you being so defensive?"

Her phone in her pocket rang then and she pulled it out agitatedly, glanced at it then shoved it back into her pocket without answering it.

"I have to go," she said, brushing past me hastily. I stood there staring at the sink, feeling utterly disoriented and spaced out.

"The two of you go at it like cat and dog all the time now," Alice walked in with a curling iron in her hair.

"Alice that's not even plugged in," I noticed, distracted by the bizarre sight.

"I know, it's not supposed to be. I'm trying something different," she shrugged as she sat on a stool. "What were you fighting about this time?"

"I think she and Dr. Cullen might have a…thing," I scowled sourly. Alice folded her lips into her mouth and rested the iron on the counter top.

"Oh," was all she said as she went into the fridge and turned her back to me.

"Alice," I barked. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Nothing," she shrugged, reaching for a bottle of water.

"Alice," I pleaded, walking over to her. "I know that you know something. Please tell me."

She turned around slowly and dropped her eyes to the bottle in her hand.

"I don't really know anything, except that she might have seen him a couple of times."

I slapped my hands over my mouth and widened my eyes in horror.

"Alice," I whispered harshly, through my fingers. "But Edward and I…"

"I know," she sighed with pity in her eyes. "But it doesn't have to be a big deal. So they might like each other. It doesn't mean anything and no matter what happens it won't change the fact that you and Edward aren't blood related, so…"

"You're way too liberal," I said to her. "That will be so creepy. Ugh."

"You're freaking out prematurely," she said, walking back over to her stool. I turned and followed her with my eyes. "Nothing's happened yet and there's no guarantee that it will. Just relax."

"Nothing's happened _yet. _Though I'm sure it will. It the way my luck works. I knew something like this would happen. Why didn't you tell me?" I demanded. She sighed and rolled her eyes, then glanced over her shoulder for any sign of Esme.

"Because she begged me not to."

"_What?!"_

"But not for the same reasons you think. It had nothing to do with you and Edward. She was afraid you'd hate her because of Charlie. She didn't want you to be mad at her. In fact I'm pretty sure this Edward thing just knocked her off her balance."

I stared at Alice pensively. She was right of course. Instinctively I_ did_ think about Charlie, and I knew I couldn't be mad at her for trying to move on. It was in her right. In fact, if it weren't for Edward and me, I'd have liked the idea very much, especially because of everything that happened between Charlie and Renee.

"I'm not really that unbendable," I said to Alice then, taking a seat next to her with slumped shoulders. "I know dad messed up with Renee, so I won't begrudge mom of a new relationship with someone. She deserves to be happy and besides, she's divorced. But _come on! _Of all the men in Forks, Carlisle _freaking_ Cullen? Geez." I threw my hands up in the air exasperatedly.

Alice giggled. "You say that like Forks is this large place with a vast choice of men just lying around waiting to be picked. You _do_ know the population here right? Everyone's either married, in a relationship or dysfunctional. I think _we_ lucked out with the last good two."

"Don't you mean the last three?"

"What are you talking about," she grinned. "Edward's one of the dysfunctional ones for sure. _Sow_-ry."

I actually laughed when she said it. "Then so am I. I'll take him just the way he is."

"So you agree that he's dysfunctional."

I rolled my eyes at her then went to my room to get ready to leave with the new Esme and Carlisle situation playing on my mind. I took a quick shower and put on my jeans, a t-shirt and the coat he said that he liked. Again, I toyed with the idea of pulling my hair back into a ponytail, but opted to leave it loose instead. Alice poked her head in through my door while I was pulling on my boots.

"Going out with Edward?" She asked and I nodded with my eyes fixated on her hair. It still looked the same to me and I wondered what was the sense with the unplugged iron.

"What were you trying to do to you hair anyway? It doesn't look any different."

She tugged at the spiky ends and flipped a few strands into the air. "Doesn't matter. It didn't work."

"Clearly."

"Sooo," she smiled as she sauntered over to me. "Talking about _haaair_."

"No," I said blankly, getting to my feet.

"Come on!"

"_No _Alice_,"_ I pleaded with a slight whine in my voice. "Please, don't try forcing me."

"But ..you're going on a date with your _man _and you look the same as you always do! It's the weekend for crying out loud!"

"And he's fine with it. Really Alice. The only person this bothers is you."

"Not saying he isn't _fine_ with it," she pouted. "But don't you want him to be better than just _fine_? Don't you want him to be like…_WOW_! Bleh, you're so boring."

"Trust me Alice," I smiled sideways at her. "I have_ no_ problem with the way Edward responds to me. I don't need the help of a make over."

Just then, I heard the low growl of the Volvo pull up into our driveway and in perfect timing too because the devilish smile on Alice's face in reaction to the last comment I made had me cringing away from her ruefully.

"Dish!" She squealed. "I can't believe you're withholding!"

"I have to go," I giggled as I rushed out. "He's already here."

She pouted behind me and followed me down the stairs. "So he'll wait. Tell me!"

"_Alice_," I shrieked. "No way! In any case there's nothing to tell."

"You're lying. I saw that look you gave me," she overtook me on the stairs and ran down to the door ahead of me and locked it before pressing her back up against it with outstretched arms.

"Al, what are you doing?" I tapped my foot on the floor. She spun around quickly, unlocked the door, opened it and poked her head out.

"She'll be right out Edward," I heard her say. "She just has to tell me something about you first."

"Oh my God, I'm going to die," I gasped as the blood drained from my face. She shut the door in his face and braced her body against it again.

"I'll make a deal with you," she smiled slyly.

"You're impossible."

"Ok," she began. "Forget the stupid love making story that you won't tell me…."

"We're _NOT_ making…Alice!"

"Ok ok…ssshh…," she grinned. "Fine. You haven't."

"We haven't," I grunted in a final tone as I shifted from one foot to the next impatiently.

"I'll be your spy if you let me help you with your clothes and hair at school and on dates, in case you two…._you know_. You really need to be prepared for….you know…in case…"

"What the hell are you talking about? We're nowhere near that. And the answer is no anyway. And what are you talking about spying?"

"Think about it," Alice said, pinning and index finger over her lips as if she were deep in thought. "I can get information about Esme and Carlisle that you'll need because trust me, after what happened today, she's definitely not going to come to you with anything. And if I know you, you'll dissect this in your head a thousand times and obsess about it. But if I can keep you in the loop…you wouldn't have to guess…"

"You're serious," I blanched. "You would spy on mom just so that you can play dress up."

She scoffed. "Well it won't actually be spying…and it's not like it can be kept a secret anyway. It's only a matter of time with things like this. I'll tell you what you want to know, so long as you promise not to go freaking out on her all the goddamned time."

"I can't promise you that. And you can't put a condition on something you're trying to force on me."

"Fine. Whatever," she rolled her eyes. "Is it a deal?"

I narrowed my eyes at her again, getting seriously impatient. I would have said anything to get her out of my frigging way so that I could go out to him.

"Whatever. Deal."

But she stayed firmly in place and didn't move.

"Alice, you need to move away from the door."

She raised an eyebrow and smiled sneakily.

"Just a little lip gloss and highlighter."

"_Now?! _He's right outside. I have to go! No!"

She dug into her pocket then and drew out two tubes the size of her index. She knew exactly how to flabbergast me – it was an art that she had perfected. But clearly she wasn't going to get out of my way and if I had any hopes of getting to Edward in that lifetime, I had to give in.

"You have makeup in your pocket," I stated dryly. "You planned this didn't you?"

She only grinned.

"Only the lip gloss," I glared at her. "And what the hell is highlighter? I don't want any."

She jumped up and down and clapped like a giddy, triumphant four year old.

"Highlighter makes you all glossy and glowy. It's for your cheeks."

"Keep it away from me."

When she was done applying the sickeningly sweet smelling lubricant to my lips, she kissed my forehead then stepped away from the door. Of course I couldn't check it to see what it looked like because I was already in the foyer and there was no mirror around. And I worried that Edward might notice and think that I had tried altering my appearance to impress him. Ugh! The shame.

"Good idea with the coat by the way," she said as I opened the door.

"I hate you," I squinted at her on my way out.

"Aw, I love you too," she smiled and pinched my nose.

The sight of him was positively unnerving. He was leaning against the small banister that bordered the steps down to the pathway. His legs were crossed at his ankles, his hands shoved into his pockets and his head was bent. He raised his head when I opened the door and the smile he gave me rocked me slightly.

"Alice," he acknowledged her, though he never took his eyes off my face.

"Edward," she grunted in a voice that was completely opposite to the squealing tyranny of just a few seconds earlier. He held his hand out for me and when I took it we walked down the pathway toward his car. He opened my door for me after kissing me on my forehead in hello. I blushed slightly and looked over at Alice who was still on the front steps with her hands on her hips, ever the surrogate mother.

"Finally," I sighed, closing my eyes after I was safely inside of the car. When he came in he stared at me for a second or two and I had to look over at him questioningly.

"Wow," he smiled. "You look very pretty."

_Wow?_

"Thanks," I said tugging at the center seams of my coat. Wouldn't Alice be proud. I imagined her laughing at me and saying "_Told you so,"_ in her smug little voice.

He leaned over toward me slightly and frowned.

"Are you wearing…lipstick?" And I could have sworn that the look on his face was amusement.

"_No,_" I cringed, feeling my face darken to an unhealthy shade of red. "It's lip gloss. I think there's a difference?" It came out like a question because suddenly I wasn't even sure about it.

He laughed and when I frowned, he raised a hand and retracted.

"I'm not laughing at you, I promise. It's just that you're so cute. The way you said that, it's just obvious that you didn't do it to yourself. It looks nice though."

"Well," I said, glancing out at Alice, _still _on the goddamned front steps. "I have a very persistent Alice."

He glanced at Alice too, then popped the horn and drove off. I noticed that he made a concerted effort that time, to watch the speed that he pulled off with. However, once we were out of sight, he cranked it up. He took my hand over the compartment between us and pressed his lips to the back of my hand and my insides almost exploded in hysterics when he did that.

"So," I inhaled. "Why are we going to Port Angeles?"

"Look in the back," he said, tilting his head toward the back seat. I turned around to see his guitar snug in a case, lying across the back seat.

"You're going to play?" I gasped with wide eyes. "Where?!"

"Once in a while I hook up with this band whenever they pass through Port Angeles. Sometimes they let me play with them. And today is one of those times."

"Are you serious?! I'm going to see you perform?!" I stared at him in disbelief.

"Well," he smiled. "It'll be at a small diner and there won't be lots of people. It's not like a concert performance or anything. It's not a big deal. But yes, I'll be on stage with the band. A very small stage."

"My God! Edward! That's amazing! Who are they? Are they on tour?"

"No, not on tour. They just roam and play wherever they can. Sometimes they get really big important gigs, but sometimes it's small like today. It's how they survive. They move around a lot, like nomads. In fact, that's what they call themselves, _The Nomads_. They shift around looking for gigs and when they get tired of one place they move on to the next. It's all very spontaneous and sporadic and very cool."

"How do you know them?"

"I met James a year ago in Port Angeles. He heard me playing my guitar out by a jetty and he came up to me and started to chat. He said he liked the sound of me and then asked if I wanted to play with them. I've played with them three times so far – all in PA."

A burst of excitement bubbled inside of me. I couldn't believe that he was taking me to see him perform.

"Edward," I squeezed his hand. "Thank you for asking me to come."

"Of course," he said, returning the squeeze. "Why wouldn't I invite you? It's about you."

"Me?"

"That song I gave you. You're gonna hear it live."

"What!" I almost burst from the inside out. He grinned and winked at me from the side.

"I hope you don't mind."

"Mind? Why would I…._Edward_…" And I lost my voice because it all got all bound inside of my throat in a thick wind of emotion.

We held hands for most of the way, only letting go when he had to turn a corner or pass his fingers through his hair, always searching for my hand again afterward. Mostly, I stole chances to peep at his sharp profile while he chatted or mouthed some of the words to the music we listened to. And every time he smiled, my heart lurched. The curve of his smile was undeniably sexy and the thought of those lips eating away at mine was all I could think of for most of the way there. He was shamelessly unaware of the things he did to me just with the simple and unconscious little things he did, like stroking the back of my hand with his fingers. It was all like a hot pot of witch's brew intended for the desecration of my nerves.

It was then, in the moment he drove into Port Angeles, that I decided to accept it wholeheartedly. And just the thought of it made my face flush. I was in love with him too soon…and he had no idea.

We pulled up in front of a diner then and I smirked at him when I read the sign that fluked my name.

"Is it in there?" I asked him.

"Nope. I don't have to play until six, so I thought we could grab something to eat and just hang out in the meanwhile. The place isn't far from here though." Without waiting for my response, he jumped out and made his way around the car to open my door. I had learned to sit still when it was time to get out of the car, because he seemed to take pride in the fact that he opened my door for me, though admittedly, it embarrassed me a little.

On our way in, he put his arm around my shoulders and grinned in amusement when he read the sign and I just knew he was enjoying the fact that I cringed at the name coincidence.

"You're enjoying that aren't you?" I smirked at him.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he chuckled and held the door open for me to walk through. Inside was really pretty, albeit a bit dim, but the ambience was quiet and classy. A waitress led us to a booth out of sight when he told her his name and I realized then that he had booked it beforehand. Needless to say, she was a bit more attentive to him that she probably needed to be, offering everything including herself on a platter. I watched the way he handled her with surety and confidence, knocking her off the platter very early and making her understand that he was there with me. Not that she even cared, because all she did was glance at me, _unapologetically_, and continued her discourse of what was on the menu.

"Just leave the actual menu," he said, pointing to the reading material in her hand. "And we'll choose when we're ready. Thank you. Oh and, whatever she wants, give it to her."

I took my seat against the wall and instead of him sitting opposite me across the table, he shuffled in next to me.

"This is kind of special," I said to him as I took in our surrounding with my eyes. "What's the occasion? We could have gone anywhere to eat."

"Will you just relax and allow me to spoil you? I hope you're not one of those girls who hates being spoiled."

The waitress heard that and strutted away with an annoyed expression on her face.

"Don't you ever get tired of that?" I asked him, surprisingly irritated by her obvious attraction to Edward, and her lack of tact in showing it when he was clearly there with me. I was not in the habit of fighting for a boy's attention, primarily because I'd lose anyway, but my first experience with it and already I knew that it was not my cup of tea.

"Tired of what?" He asked.

"That," I pointed in the direction of the waitress.

He grinned again with that amused glint in his eyes and huddled over closer to me so that he could rub his nose against my cheek. "Are you_ jealous_ Bella Swan?"

My pores rose with the affectionate skin contact but I still managed to scoff defiantly. "_No_. Irritated is more like it."

He chuckled then. "What about you? Don't you get tired of it at school?"

"What on _earth _are you talking about?"

"Let's see…Mike Newton, Tyler Crowley, that Eric kid…umm…"

"Oh puleez," I rolled my eyes and stuck my finger in my mouth. "Don't make me barf. And it's so _not_ the same thing."

"It isn't?"

"No! None of those names you just called look anything like _her_."

He shook his head and turned my face toward his with a hand to the top of my head.

"Now you're being ridiculous," he smirked. "One of the most endearing things about you is that you have no idea how absolutely appealing you are. You're beautiful Bella and definitely more beautiful than _her_. That girl is wearing a shit load of make up, and you with just your little… lip thingy there…have won. And you'd have won even if you weren't wearing any. I prefer natural."

I let out a short shudder of a breath and turned my face away, unable to match the blaze in his eyes and embarrassed by the focus of the conversation.

"Ok you win," I shook my head. "Please. Let's just…look at the menu."

As we flipped through the same one, I noticed that he read only the vegetarian dishes. He chose the mushroom ravioli for himself and suggested that I had the same because it was apparently 'to die for.' Something came back to me as I watched him choose his meal and I thought that it was a good time to ask.

"Hey," I nudged him with my shoulder. "I want to ask you something, but promise not to laugh at me."

"Anything, but I can't promise not to laugh."

I pouted at him and continued.

"You're a vegetarian right?"

"Yup."

"The other day…when Emmett said that thing about you being a vegetarian and that you don't eat meat? He said you weren't shy about….something or the other. What was he talking about?"

He moved away from me slightly and ran his both hands through his hair with a small smile on his lips. He actually seemed to blush a little.

"I realized you didn't get it and I hoped that you would forget."

I shook my head. "Nooo."

"Trust me, leave it alone. Emmett has a dirty mind and an even filthier mouth. I'd rather not corrupt you with it."

The waitress returned then with two glasses of water and with a notepad to take down our order. Edward took the glasses without even a glance at her and then told her what we wanted.

When she finally walked away, looking a bit peeved at his obvious lack of interest, I continued.

"Come on. I want to know. Whatever it was, it pissed both you and Rosalie off."

"Ha…Rosalie," he raised his eyebrows. "She and her big fucking mouth."

I frowned and rested my elbows on the table, wondering what the hell he was talking about.

"You seriously want me to tell you," he groaned with concerted eyes. "It's really not that profound Bella, it's just plain crude."

"So tell me."

He sighed, then opened his eyes and looked at me warily.

"He was talking about me….not being shy, even though I don't eat meat….to…"

I raised my eyebrows, still at a loss for any meaning behind the words and he opened his eyes and stared at me in amazement.

"_You know_….?"

I shook my head. "Nope."

"My God Bella, you're gonna make me say it aren't you?"

"Say what?"

"I'm not shy to eat a girl out….it was a stupid pun about me eating meat. _Now_ do you get it?" He was almost flustered in embarrassment.

It was the first time I saw him blush. Usually it was me turning all red in humiliation, but that day I got to see_ him_ unravel and it made me laugh.

"Oh," I giggled as he turned his face away and pushed his hands into his hair again.

"I can't believe you made me say it."

It was so funny the way he got all defensive and embarrassed.

"But I didn't know!" I laughed. "I had to ask. I'm sorry."

Then he looked at me and frowned. "Speaking of which," he said contemplatively.

And the look on his face made me clamp up immediately. _Uh oh._

"Bella?" He began and I interrupted him.

"No," I blurted out, taking a gargantuan gulp of lukewarm water. I glanced at his glass. It was obvious from the water droplets running down the side of his glass that his was chilled. Mine on the other hand…._that bitch_.

"But I haven't asked you anything yet," he said.

"No, I've never had oral. No one's ever…eaten me."

"I could have figured that out on my own," he smiled teasingly. "And it's not what I was going to ask you."

And then I almost choked. I coughed uncontrollably for a few seconds on the gulp of lukewarm water, certain that the room was about to close in on me. I couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes even though he placed a hand on my back and patted me profusely.

"Are you ok?" And he was amused again. I never thought I'd be this funny to him. I was supposed to be boring.

"Yes," I choked out, squeezing my eyes shut. "What were you going to ask?"

"I was going to ask if you were still bothered about my past with Rosalie."

I opened my eyes and looked over at his strikingly handsome face, so earnest and so close to mine.

"I don't think I ever really was. I just needed something to make a big deal about at the time. I'm sorry."

"You don't have anything to be sorry about."

"Although, I think I can guess that the reason she got so upset with Emmett when he made his… pun, is because she still has feelings for you."

"Rosalie has feelings for herself," he made a face and leaned back. "She just likes to think she can get who and whatever she wants at the snap of her fingers. And I broke the mould. It's an ego problem. Doesn't have anything to do with me really. It's about her.

"When you said she has a big mouth….did you mean that, she told Emmett about you and her?"

He frowned and shrugged. "She tried to make him jealous by bragging about me, but she didn't expect Emmett to have such thick skin…hard as marble. Nothing penetrates that fucker. He just keeps turning it around on her all the time. I think it's safe to say that Rosalie has met her match."

"Well it doesn't really bother me, except that she doesn't seem to like me very much."

"I also wondered about that," he said. "That was going to be my next question. Does she make you uncomfortable? Just say the word and…"

"Doesn't matter Edward," I shrugged. "I can handle someone not liking me. I'm used to it. You can't protect me from everything and everyone."

He looked at me thoughtfully for a few long moments then passed his fingers lightly against my hair.

"But I'll certainly try."

I felt the air around us shift heavily then and when I looked at him, his face had gotten very serious and overshadowed by something dark and foreboding.

"Edward what is it?" I asked, resting my hand on his knee under the table. He traced a soft line against my wrist then onto my hand on his knee until he found my fingers and enclosed them with his.

"There's a reason I brought you here," he said with his eyes on the table top. Something wasn't right. His mood had changed dramatically from amusement to withdrawn tension and it made my heart race in an entirely different way that it was accustomed to with him. He took a couple of deep breaths and turned his body to face mine, but he kept his face tilted down.

"Edward?" I whispered to him. "Please tell me."

He nodded and took my two hands in his.

"This isn't going to be easy," he started. "So please, bear with me."

He raised his head and what I saw in his eyes made my pores raise.

"I brought you here, so that I could tell you…about my mother and brother."

I almost choked again, this time on my shock. It was what I had hoped for, the window into his soul. But as I looked at the torture in his eyes, guilt riddled through me and I had to stop him. I could tell he was doing it because he felt he owed it to me after I told him about Charlie, and I definitely didn't want him doing something because he felt he _had_ to.

"Edward no," I pressed a finger to his lips. "You don't have to tell me anything. It's ok."

He frowned slightly and took my fingers away from his mouth.

"I know I don't have to, but I want to," he said. The waitress came over then and placed the two plates in front of us and her sudden presence shot a cold gust of awareness into the aura that encircled Edward and me. We both looked up at her in a disoriented haze but this time she tried to ignore us, flipping her hair over her shoulders as she walked away. I shook my head in a tizzy and returned my focus to Edward.

"Hey," I said to him softly. "You don't have to rush this. You're not ready yet and that's ok. Don't do it just because I talked to you about something yesterday…."

"Bella," he sighed, cutting into my babble. "How much more time is it gonna take before I'm ready? I've had four years to deal with this and the more time passes, the worse it gets. At this rate…I'll never be ready. I'm going to have to talk about it at some God awful point with _some_body," and then he looked dead into my eyes. "And I'd much prefer that that somebody be you."

He shifted his eyes away again, over his plate of food though I doubted that he ever saw it.

"Maybe it will do me some good to get it off my chest. Who knows."

I let out a ragged breath of air and squeezed his fingers.

"Ok." I had to be strong for him like he was for me, because I knew it would be hard for him. "I'll listen."

And then he started to talk and I very literally felt his grief and his pain seep out of him and into me. The way my heart ached for him as his story unraveled, caught me off guard and the physical transition my body underwent hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew it would be sad and I knew I'd be able to empathize, but what I didn't expect was a gap to start forming in my head, so uniquely different from anything else I'd ever felt before and take over my mental faculties in under five seconds. I almost pulled my hands out of his, but when I tried he tightened his grasp. And as he continued to talk, I felt the earth shift off its axis and I knew that everything in my life had just changed, for the better or for the worst, I didn't know - but it changed nonetheless, in a way that I had never expected. As the gap materialized in my head, my chest started to hurt and I knew right then that the physical heaviness I felt was actually his. It wasn't very intense, though it was very present and I guessed the haziness was an indication of its weakness, because it was our first time. Just like my first time with Charlie. The gap was weak and hazy and almost indecisive and I guess it also helped that though Edward's pain had some level of physical discomfort, it wasn't exactly a physical injury.

I grew increasingly more anxious as I listened to him, struggling with both his tragedy and the beginnings of something very serious and irreversible between us. This was no longer just about me battling with my growing affection for him. It had just surpassed any meager burdens of first love and vulnerability.

Irrevocability had just slapped me cold and hard in my face, and once again, I had no choice but to succumb.

---------------------------------

He and his brother were identical twins. Twin faces, twin bodies, twin spirits – inseparable. They were best friends and unlike some twins who share the same face but are polar opposites, Edward and Marcus were every bit as alike as they looked; with one difference. Edward was introverted and Marcus was extroverted and though they shared the same laughs, the same dreams, the same talent and even the same opinions; Marcus showed it, and Edward hid it.

They were on a Sea Scouts field trip in Alaska and as usual, Marcus was showing off, dancing and singing and horsing around on the deck. He was playful, and like Edward, he loved sailing. But a terrible accident happened when an unexpected gust of wind sent the unhitched boom swinging across deck. It crashed into Marcus' head and threw him overboard; and because he was knocked unconscious with the blow, he couldn't swim up for air. Both Edward and their Sea Scouts leader jumped into the water to save him, but by the time they found his body in the dark and deep water, he had already drowned.

It got worse.

As if the universe wasn't yet content with its one claim, it pushed further. Edward called his mother from his cell on the boat in his panic because he couldn't get on to Carlisle, both of whom had travelled with the boys on their field trip. In her panicked terror to get to her son from the hotel, she drove way too fast and crashed the car on the way. She also died that day.

He had lost both his mother and his brother in just under an hour and while still in crippling shock over Marcus' limp body in his arms, his camp leader broke the sickening news about what had just happened to his mother as well. He recounted the events with immense difficulty, stopping ever so often to find his voice again and to take a steadying breath. His voice was low and his face was abject and whenever we got eye contact he blinked away, finding it easier to focus on something remote where he didn't have to hide the pain on his face.

I saw him try to fight it and he even tried to shrug it off under the pretense that he had it under control, because come on….it had been four years right? But I hated that he thought he needed to pretend in order to impress me with his show of strength. I would have much preferred him to buckle over and allow the grief to take its course instead of denying it and instead of transforming it into anger and bitterness and harshness. He needed the freedom and the comfort to crack.

"Edward?" I said and turned his face to mine with a finger.

"You don't have to be so strong all the time. There's strength in breaking down too. It's ok to cry."

He blinked at me and frowned copiously, biting down on his jaw so hard that I swore his teeth would break. He shook his head, turned away and pulled his hands away from mine, still trying to deny the overwhelming grief that was obviously tearing through him. In a bout of pent up, restless agitation, he bounced his heels up and down under the table, struggling with the massive welt that wanted to explode from the inside. And then finally, he couldn't take it any more and a single tear rolled down either cheek in silent retaliation against his will to deny the pain. I touched his back when I saw the tears and the gap in my head started evening out, making itself more resilient with the physical pain he carried in his chest, embodied by something that looked like a white light if I closed my eyes. When he felt my hand he bent over and rested his head on his folded arms where he was able to release what he had to in some semblance of mock solitude.

I wrapped my both arms around his torso and rested my cheek against his back; thankful at least for small mercies, that the booth he booked was secluded and out of sight. His body was frighteningly stiff and if it weren't for his beating heart that thumped against the arm that wrapped around his front, I would have been worried.

I understood him better then; his harshness at times, his bluntness, his bitterness and refusal to conform; his reputation with girls and the way he chose the wrong ones on purpose, it seemed, in his unwillingness to give all of himself for fear of being hurt - or of losing something that he might grow to love. It was a mask behind which he hid what was really going on with him. And he was frustrated with himself for not being able to get over it faster than he thought he should. He hated the pain and he hated the grief and so he ignored it and pretended like it wasn't there, except he didn't realize that in stifling it, he was actually hurting himself more by preventing healing from stepping in.


	23. Chapter 23 The Haunting

Happy reading you guys. Loads of drama still to come.

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**Chapter 23 - The Haunting**

I found the difference between him and Charlie as soon as it happened. Whenever I felt Charlie's gap, there was always a resounding sense of him that went along with it. The image of his face looms inside of my head whether or not my eyes are closed and sometimes there is the sound of his voice like a small echo reverberating in the recesses, like a haunting omen of something to come.

But when it happened with Edward, there was no sign of Charlie there, not even the slightest hint of him. It was Edward's face that flashed across my mind even though I could see him very readily in front of me and the hazy white light that encased him was something that never accompanied Charlie's gap.

I held on to his rigid form for as long as it took him to catch himself. He was silent and he didn't move and thankfully the waitress didn't return while it was happening. When he finally budged to raise his head again, I removed my arms from around him and watched him take a couple deep breaths and try to rearrange the expression on his face. I struggled with what was going on inside of me as well. Before that day, I didn't think that I could feel that with anyone else but Charlie. But now that it happened with Edward and I wasn't sure what to do with it - if to let him know or keep it a secret. And did it mean that I was bound to him in that way for all time? Even if something happened to pull us apart? The synergy was a safe connection to have with Charlie because regardless of what happened, he would be my father and nothing would ever change that. Even if he ran to the moon to get away from me, he'd never be able to deny the matching DNA in our blood.

However, I had no guarantee that Edward would always be my boyfriend, so what the hell was I going to do with this new bond I had just conjured with him in his ignorance, if he decided one day that he didn't want me anymore? I started to panic silently. I didn't think it was a good idea to tell him anything, not yet… and not unless I absolutely _had_ to. Already as it was, he seemed to object to my empathic synergy with Charlie, and I was terrified that if he found out that it had extended to him as well, it would scare him away.

I was about to bend over on to the table and shudder from my own mess of chaos when I heard him dispel a short harsh breath of air and touch my back.

"I'm sorry," he grumbled. "I'm supposed to be able to handle that better by now."

I managed a weak smile for him and shook my head.

"Are you kidding?" I said. "You don't need to apologize for the way you feel. You're feelings aren't wrong or right, they're just your feelings and you're entitled to them. Don't be so hard on yourself, your grief is perfectly natural. I don't know what to say about your story, except that…you're incredibly brave and I could never go through what you did. It's awful. I wish you never had to go through it. You were right the other day when you told me that I'm spoilt and ungrateful, because Charlie is still alive and here you are dealing with this…."

"Bella stop it," he said briskly. "I'm not proud of anything I said to you that day. Please forget it…all of it. I don't ever want you to think about that again. I had no right to tell you anything about your father. It's like you just said. You have a right to your feelings and I should never have come down on you for hurting. I was a jack ass."

We both looked at our plates then and slumped our shoulders. I had effectively lost my appetite. The serving was so large that just the look of it filled me to entirety.

He pushed away his plate of ravioli but pulled mine closer to me.

"Eat," he suggested, and I turned my nose up slightly.

"I can't," so I pushed mine away too. "I'm not hungry anymore."

We sat in silence for a few minutes, stunned by the strain of our separate dilemmas and stared at our untouched food.

"You wanna get out of here?" He asked and I willingly agreed. He got the waitress's attention easily. She came over, this time with a little more pride than she started off with, gave Edward the bill and eyed our full plates with contention before walking away. He left the cash in the tray she provided and then took my hand to leave.

"I'm sorry I didn't eat anything," I said from behind him. "I feel awful about you paying for all that food."

He ignored me and brushed by the ogling door attendants and led me outside to the car. We still had at least tree hours to kill until his performance time and I wondered what he had in mind by means of passing the time.

Once we were inside the car, the mood between us relaxed a little. He drove a short distance and pulled up next to what looked like a park with a sign that said _Rotary Park_. He came out and opened my door for me as usual and even though he was sullen, he still took my hand and led me down a pier toward the waterfront. The pier was deserted as most of the people generally gathered around the park area with the trees and benches. He sat on the edge of the wooden surface and dangled his legs over the side, looking over the water. The sound of the water colliding with the stilts of the pier underneath us was soothing but it was a lot colder out there than I had expected and I had to hug myself with my knees pulled up to my chest, even with my coat on. I thought ruefully about my very ugly, but warm yellow coat at home. Fireman's jacket maybe, but it did the job.

"You ok?" I asked, still sensing his lament. He was terribly quiet and it wasn't like our usual kind of calm. He was remote and far off.

He nodded and sighed. "Yeah. I'll be fine. Sorry for my fucked up mood. I just haven't said those things out loud in like...ever."

And it was hard to believe that I was actually the first person he'd ever talked to about it.

"I've kept it quiet all this time with my only outlet being my music."

"What about your dad?" I asked. "How has he coped with it?"

He shrugged and pulled out a cigarette from his jacket pocket. "Do you mind?"

I shook my head. Who was I to deny him the thing that brought him comfort right then? He lit it and pulled on it deeply, careful to turn his head away from me when he exhaled.

"Carlisle had it really bad for the first two years after. He locked himself in the library a lot and then he did the next best thing after that and buried himself in his work. He started doing crazy hours at the hospital, consultations out of town, flying out all the time to do emergency surgeries. I think for a while, he tried to make up for not being able to save her life by saving everybody else's."

"What do you mean?"

He dragged on his cigarette again and squinted against the red flame that crept up toward his face. It actually looked invitingly warming.

"The day they died, he was in a medical conference in Alaska. He booked it that same weekend so that he could make the trip with us. By the time he had gotten the distress call, the ambulance had already taken her to the hospital and even though the medics tried reviving her, she had died on the way. She broke her back, her both legs, part of her neck and seven ribs, which…punctured her both lungs. The car all but crushed her."

"Oh my God…_Edward_…" I gasped in mortification as I grabbed for my mouth with my hands.

"Carlisle made a few panicked calls while on his way and got them to put her in the operating theatre where he could examine her. Of course they let him through because he is who he is…you know, he's Carlisle Cullen. He went crazy for a while, tried operating on her, tried reviving her, even though he knew she was already dead."

"Edward…you don't have to…," I uttered. His eyes started to look crazed, and I think it was the cigarette that kept him calm.

"But I guess he felt like he had to try, because if she had died and he wasn't there to feel it for himself, he would have always wondered."

I put my face between my knees in horror and rocked my body back and forth. It was the most heart wrenching, terrifying thing that I'd ever heard and though I wished he would stop, I couldn't rob him of the opportunity to finally let it out. So I shut my mouth after that and let him vent.

"The two of us returned to Forks, without them…like zombies. We didn't talk, we didn't eat, we didn't sleep. Weeks passed and we didn't see each other for days at a time. The house is so big and it was easy to just lose yourself in it. It never felt emptier. Marcus' bedroom was right next to mine. Carlisle, he locked the door and never went back in and for a while he slept in one of the guest rooms until he bought a new bed. And when the silence between us went on too long and days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months…and we hadn't seen each other for so long even though we lived in the same house…he decided to adopt. Because well….I guess he couldn't take the silence anymore."

"Emmett," I said softly, glancing over at him. He stared out over the water with his cigarette between his fingers and the lines in his profile were sharp and tight giving him the look of something dark and foreboding.

"Emmett was actually the best thing that happened to us. Carlisle picked good. He wanted to put an end to the silence and he found the most obnoxious, vivacious, in your face mother fucker he could find. And even though for a while, at first, the idea of Emmett was hard to adjust to, it turned out that he was actually very easy to be around. He's a guy's guy, he's straightforward and honest and he just doesn't give a shit about anything. It was hard not to like him…and believe me, I tried."

"You ever resented him?" I asked. "Like he was replacing Marcus?"

"No," Edward said, keeping his eyes focused on the dark water. "He never tried to replace Marcus and it was easy to accept him because he's just…so different than Marcus was. So it's not like he ever reminded me of him or anything. There was no confusion. He stayed out of my way, never tried to be buddy buddy, never tried to be my brother, he never intruded. He kind of came off like our body guard which confused Carlisle for a very long time. It actually got funny. Emmett can be a pain in the ass too, but it's the harmless kind of pain that you appreciate after you've experienced what real pain feels like."

For a while after that he sat in silence just staring and I realized that he was done talking.

"You know," I said, gazing out at the waterfront as the gurgling of the water against the pillars under us reached my ears. Every now again a slight sprinkle would make it up to the top of the pier and I knew Edward's feet were getting wet. I really wanted to lighten the mood between us then because I hated seeing the torture etched across his face.

"In a way, I kind of just….how do they say…popped your cherry?"

He turned his face toward mine and raised his eyebrows in alarm, but I saw the first faint lines of a smile start to pull at the corners of his mouth. He flicked the cigarette out of his hand then and turned his head away slightly to blow out a line of smoke out of his mouth.

"What the hell are you talking about?" He smiled.

"_You_ _know_," I continued, shimmying a little on the wooden planks. "That was the first time you talked about it, right? So I was your first. You're no longer a virgin."

He bent his head and his smile widened before he shook his head in amusement.

"That's cute, but you _do_ know that term only applies to girls right? A guy doesn't have a cherry to be popped."

I rolled my eyes at him and nodded goofily. "Yeah yeah…I tried to use it as a figure of speech. So much for my.…"

"Thank you," he cut in and rubbed his shoulder against mine. "It did what it was supposed to."

"Feel any better?"

"I do actually. It's still kind of running off me. Such a huge fucking load off."

"I'm glad," I smiled proudly, feeling kind of awesome that I could be the one he talked to about it. "Anytime you need to get a load off," I nudged him back with my shoulder. "Feel free to dump it right here."

He scooted over closer to me and put his arm around my shoulders and I felt much better with his warmth right up against me. It was so freaking cold out there and being so close to the water didn't help matters much. I really was a sun girl, though my personality was more like the fall into winter, but cold and me didn't mix very well.

"How come you're this amazing?" He asked as he rested his chin on my shoulder. He wrapped his second arm around my knees then, encasing me completely, and helping with the cold more than he realized. The smell of fresh tobacco lingered on his breath and it mingled sweetly with his musk scent. He smelt so masculine. I shrugged inside his embrace hoping that the question was rhetorical.

"And for the record, I don't like the idea of dumping anything on you," he said against the side of my face. "I wanted you to know me better and that's a pretty huge deal for me."

"Well thank you for that," I responded, enjoying the way his hair tickled me as it meshed with mine at the side of my face. "It means a lot that you could talk to me."

He turned his face in to rest a soft kiss on my neck and I would have shuddered in goose bumps if it weren't for the warmth of his breath on my skin and the way his arms kept me snuggly wrapped. He started kissing me then right up the side of my neck, across the line of my jaw and then up to my cheek. I held my breath in anticipation of his destination and turned my face inward to allow him the access I hoped he was after. His lips found mine very easily and I turned my body into his and pressed my palms against his chest as he wrapped his arms tighter still around my body. I felt one of his hands delve into my hair then as he cradled my head to give himself the leverage he needed to open my mouth with his and explore with his tongue. I couldn't move my hands from inside of the circle of his clutch because he pressed me him so firmly. But I didn't try to struggle, I just stayed where he wanted me and tried to match the moist fervor of his lips and the entanglement of his tongue with whatever I had.

"Bella," he grunted against my mouth, but I couldn't answer, all I wanted to do was push myself further into his mouth because no matter how much of him I tasted it was never enough. Somehow I got one of my hands free and I wasted no time in grabbing his hair by the roots and filling my palm with a generous mound pulling his face harder against mine because I just couldn't get him close enough to me. He pulled away suddenly and pressed his forehead against mine and took a moment to suck in a mouthful of air. It was harder for me to stop. I didn't want to stop. The rest of my body was already trying to catch up with what he was doing to my face. I looked up at him and questioned him with my eyes but he put his hands on my shoulders and set me away from him slightly and the cold of the waterfront hit me again.

He shook his head and took a deep breath.

"You'll easily be the end of me," he frowned rather seriously.

"I don't understand."

"You do things to me that I can't control. And I don't want to lose control with you. I can't."

"Well not out here you can't," I joked, glancing around us.

"Not what I meant," he swallowed visibly.

It felt slightly like rejection, even though I knew instinctively that there was something deeper behind it. Despite the fact that I was terrified of my feelings for him, I grabbed at whatever I could get like a starved child; especially in the wake of my living fear that one day the inevitable would happen, and he would leave me. I knew that I was being careless with him and I knew that I was putting myself out there too soon and too openly and that it only meant being crushed by him eventually, but I was so tired of being careful all the time and always analyzing everything to death. And on top of it all….I simply could not resist him.

"We should go now," he said, looking at his watch and standing up. He offered me his hand which I took and together we walked back to the Volvo.

"Are we going to the place now?" I asked. "Where you will perform?"

"Yes."

It took us ten minutes to get to where we were going. The place was mildly busy, with a few people milling about the street on the outside. There were some cars parked out front and it took Edward a while to find a spot. The sign read _Cornerhouse Restaurant & Lounge._

Not a minute after we walked in, a striking older guy with a blond ponytail and dark eyes walked over to us with a gleaming grin on his face.

"Ed," he laughed as he slapped Edward on his back. "Glad you're here. How long has it been? Six months?"

"Five," Edward answered, bouncing slightly on his heels with his guitar strapped across his back. "Are the rest of the guys here?"

"They're in the back," the man answered and his eyes flickered to mine. That's when Edward pulled me gently to his side and pushed me forward gently. "This is Bella. She came to see me play."

"Hi Bella," James smiled, taking my hand and kissing the back of it. "James."

"Hey," I nodded awkwardly, pulling my hand away from his. "Can't wait to see you guys play."

"Excellent, come this way. We're about to set up."

I noticed that Edward introduced me as Bella and not as his girlfriend, but I forced the observation out of my head and tried not to be the over analyzing nit picker that I was, and focused on why we were there.

We followed James back stage where we met up with the rest of the band. There were only two more members, Laurent and Sam. Backstage was a small room cramped with whatever instruments they had and the other two band members.

The hellos were brief but friendly and James caught me looking around uncomfortably for a small space to fit into.

"I think you may enjoy the view better from out there," James said pointing to the front row of tables through the curtain that lined the stage. "When your boy takes the stage, you're gonna want a frontal view." He winked at me then turned back to the rest of the guys. James was terribly unkempt and wild looking, covered in tattoos and piercings. He came off kind of jittery and when he looked into my eyes too long, the darkness in them were unsettling and I had to keep looking away. His frayed denim pants and leather sleeveless jacket suited him perfectly. Sam seemed kind of quiet and reserved, not nearly as wild looking as James. Even Laurent with his dark eyes and strong build, though he seemed worldly and too large to be tamed by a small town, there was something quieter and more calculating about his spirit than James'. James however had a winning smile, it was stuck to his face and for all the mess about him, it was genuine, and I also had to admit that he was actually very good looking in an edgy, feral kind of way.

Edward seriously didn't fit in with them and I was glad. Even though he had a dark, harsh side to him and his callous bitterness could throw you off if you weren't prepared for it, deep down at his core he was caring and gentle and beautifully wounded.

I squeezed his elbow gently as I made my way out of the little space to give them a few minutes to prepare for the stage. He flashed me a quick smile and let me go.

The diner was actually a lounge and in the short space of time I lingered back stage, the place had gotten crowded. It wasn't easy to find a place to sit, but I manage to pull an empty chair out from one of the cocktail tables and position it near the side of the stage. A young waiter boy with a white shirt and black trousers came up to me and asked me if I wanted to order a drink. I declined and he left me.

As I sat alone in my chair waiting for Edward to get on stage, a swarm of butterflies attacked my stomach in anticipation. I was actually nervous to see him play. Sitting there alone gave me a few minutes to think about what had happened earlier at the Italian restaurant. I bit into my finger nails pensively, wondering how in the world I was going hide my new connection to him. The only thing that comforted me was the fact that so far he seemed to be stable enough in that he wouldn't go getting himself into trouble and increase the chances of exposing my connection to him. So long as he kept any physical injuries minimal, I would be in the clear.

Edward and _The Nomads_ came out on stage then and the crowd gave them an encouraging applause peaked by a few whistling sounds. Apparently _The Nomads_ were well known in Port Angeles. I smiled excitedly and bounced slightly in my chair at the sight of Edward with his guitar in his hands. He scanned the audience with his eyes and when he found me, he winked at me which stirred me in ways that are too crude for words.

He put the guitar down on a stool and picked up an electric one that was plugged in. The first number was belted by James with Edward playing the electric guitar on the side, Sam on the drums and Laurent on the keyboard. Edward was excellent and anytime he did a solo on the guitar, he got the crowd whistling and screaming. Even though he looked different from the rest of the band, they all had that one common characteristic, their hypnosis from the music. They suddenly looked like one entity that belonged together, cradled by the visage of the rock and roll persona that they wore well. Edward's hair hung over his forehead into his eyes and he flicked it away every now again with a toss of his head. It was so exciting to watch him play and the way he commanded that guitar against him was just plain old sexy and boy, was he edgy. There was absolutely nothing average or normal about him. He had greatness plastered all over him and the worldly quality that he emanated actually made the pits of my stomach churn in anxiety. Forks would be too small to contain him one day. One day he'd have to break free of the mould and spread his wings. One day he would have to fulfill some great destiny that was too large for the rest of us. He was too good for Forks and perhaps too good for me.

My cell phone vibrated in my pocket then and it made me jump in surprise. I pulled it out distractedly but I knew who it was even before I answered it.

"Charlie?"

"Hey honey," he answered with the slightest hint of a slur in his speech. "Um….I'm a…I'm about to leave here and so I guess this is good bye."

A lump formed in my throat and I swallowed against it trying to stay with Edward on stage but needing to control the instinct to cry at the same time. I leaned over and let my hair fall over to hide my face, trying to find the words that would convince Charlie to stay at home.

"Charlie wait," I choked out. "You're leaving now? Like right now?"

"Yeah..I uh…I'll call you ok."

"When? When am I going to hear from you again?"

"I don't know. I'm gonna have a lot of shit to do to get myself settled, but as soon as I get it in order, I'll give you a call."

"Where are you going?"

"Bella, you know I'm not gonna tell you where I'm going, so please don't make this any harder by asking."

"Then can I call you? Won't you have the same number?"

He paused and I heard him gulp something and I just knew it was alcohol. It was how he dealt with anything difficult and this moment right then, was difficult.

"Look, I don't want you panicking when I don't answer the phone alright. You gotta let me do this. You gotta let me go. _I'll _call you alright? Please don't go freaking out on me. I can take care of myself."

_Overstatement of the century._

"At least tell me what state or city you're going to," I tried rationalizing with him. "You don't have to give me details, but at least give me _something._"

Again he paused and gulped and this time I heard him wince with the sting of the drink. I squeezed my eyes shut and held my head down, hoping that I didn't draw any attention to myself.

"I'll tell you if it stays between us."

"It will," I blurted out, raising my head jerkily. "It will, I promise."

"The moment I get the slightest notion that your mother or her brother are trying to track me down Bella, I swear to God, I'm gone…"

"Calm down Charlie," I groaned through a quivering voice. Just then, I heard Edward's voice and when I looked up I saw him at the mike with his guitar, singing the song he gave me. I got distracted from Charlie for a moment and suddenly it was too hard to focus on them both at the same time. I didn't want to hurry Charlie off the phone though because it could have very well been the last time I spoke to him in ….I didn't even want to think.

"I won't tell, you _know_ you can trust me. Just tell me please, so that I don't get sick with worry and you know I will."

"Goddamn it Bella," he groaned. "We really have to do something about the way you obsess about things. I'm going to Florida ok. Florida, there. Are you happy?"

I exhaled in relief and closed my eyes for a while. Florida wasn't too bad. It was just as warm as Phoenix, though I'd never been.

"Thank you," I said to him, as the pain of yearning for him dug at my chest. "I miss you so much. I can't believe you're going away and I don't know where you'll be or when next I'll hear from you. You're crazy." My voice cracked and tottered around the protruding lump in my throat.

"I miss you too Bella, more than you realize, but we can't be together right now and that's just something we have to deal with. Please understand that I need to do this."

I felt a tear break through my stubborn lids and I wiped it away quickly before it could be detected by anyone. Through it all, I heard Edward's mesmerizing drone hold on to me, trying to keep me present. I glanced up at him, but he was engrossed in his singing with a frown on his brow and his hair over his closed eyes.

"I don't understand," I answered Charlie. "Because I don't think you should be running, but I can't stop you. So I guess this is good bye...again."

"I love you Bella."

"Charlie," I squealed as his words twisted around the pain in my heart, but he hung up. I stared at the dead phone in my hand for a while, still hearing Edward's voice on the outskirts of my panic. I put my phone away and looked up at him again to find that this time his eyes were on me and when our eyes connected he smiled though his words. The song was even better live, though most of it was drowned out by Charlie. He strummed the last chord on his guitar and then it was over, and my heart sank. I was so tired right then. The day had been too much for me. It was one thing after the next and that thing with Charlie had just put the icing on the plummeting cake. I listed the day's activities in my head.

_Finding out about Esme and Carlisle._

_The fear of being Edward's potential step sister…*_entervomit here*_._

_Alice forcing me to wear lip gloss._

_Accepting that I was in love with Edward._

_My embarrassing foot in mouth moment about the absence of oral sex in my life_

_Edward's tragic story_

_Empathic synergy with Edward._

_Edward singing my song to me in Port Angeles._

_Missing most of the song as he sang to me_

_Charlie's good bye._

I swear, I was haunted by my own life and I desperately needed to sleep.

He sang two more songs when he was done with mine, both of which I assumed were his own compositions and both very beautiful. God, he was talented. When he was done, he left the stage and left the rest of the band to do their thing.

He came over to me and dragged a chair to my side so he could sit.

"You're amazing," I said to him, trying to be upbeat. "Thank you for my song."

He smiled and looked at me thoughtfully.

"You're welcomed. Though you're the one that inspired it."

I would have blushed had it not been for the despair that Charlie had left me with.

"Something's bothering you," he leaned over slightly. "What is it?"

"Can we leave?" I asked.

He frowned and studied my face, then nodded affirmatively.

"I'm sorry," I squeezed my eyes shut. "I know you're here with the band and you probably want to stay. If you want to it's ok…."

"No we can leave," he looked very concerned. He raised a hand to signal to the band that he was leaving, and after a nod from James, he swung his guitar across his back and took me by the hand.

"Bella what's wrong?" He asked once we were inside of the car. "Why do you look like a ghost? Something happened."

I sighed tiredly and let my head fall against the head rest. "I'm so tired."

"Who were you talking to on the phone?"

Not surprised that he didn't miss that, I answered.

"Charlie."

His hands tensed on the steering wheel and I saw his knuckles go white with the way he squeezed it.

"Tell me."

"He's leaving Phoenix now," I answered with dreary eyes focused out the window. "He called to say good bye."

"He didn't tell you where he was going did he?"

"No. All he said was Florida, because he doesn't want to be found."

Edward cursed softly under his breath and mashed down aggressively on the accelerator, but I found myself less and less disturbed by his speed the more I drove with him.

"How are you?" He asked.

"Tired," I sighed and closed my eyes. "Just tired."

He didn't try to talk after that. I guessed he took one look at me and saw the way I was collapsed in the passenger seat next to him. He _did_ hold my hand though, and I was grateful for the silent strength he offered in his touch. I focused on the way he stroked the back of my hand with his thumb and the sensation did wonders to unwind my hitched nerves. He played soft classical music on the player and turned up the heat. It all came together like a sleep inducing lullaby; the music, his stroking hand on mine, the warmth inside of the car and without even realizing it I had drifted off to sleep like a pacified toddler, willing the pain of reality to fade for a while so that I be allowed the mock peace of mind that only sleep at that point could offer.


	24. Chapter 24 Ignorance is as blissful as

Have fun ladies. Happy reading xoxo

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**Chapter 24 - ****Ignorance is as blissful as it is unfortunate**

She snores…

I drove her home that day after performing in Port Angeles and she passed out in my front seat barely five minutes into the drive. I noted many things about her as she slept, the most surprising of which was her snoring. Not so much the fact that she snored, even though I noted it, but the sound was much bigger than should escape such a soft and feminine little thing. It certainly didn't match her, though it sort of made sense. I snored too when I was exhausted and the way she slumped in the seat, so dead to world, showed how tired she really was. With a mind like hers, always preoccupied with worry and always so far away and deep in thought; it was no wonder she'd be as exhausted as she was.

Charlie.

His leaving like that was yet another thing for her to obsess about. And I worried about her. I worried because I knew she would agonize over the fact that she didn't know where he was going or for how long. And from his track record so far, he didn't seem to know how to take good care of himself. He was like a speeding train about to run off the tracks. I knew I'd have to keep a close eye on her, stay close to her to see how she managed. I still hadn't properly digested what she told me about her peculiar connection to him and though I didn't like it, I had a few questions for her still.

The whole situation was bizarre, but I figured that if anything like that had to happen to one person in the entire universe, it would be Bella because she was so sensitive and emotionally heightened. I desperately wanted to take her case to Carlisle and see if he had any theories or experience with cases like hers especially because I knew he would be intrigued by it, but I couldn't betray her trust like that. In the meantime, I'd had to settle for my own theories on the matter and watch her carefully.

Her sleep was restless. Her eyelids twitched a lot and her breathing, albeit very deep, became unsteady at some points. I heard her mutter his name restlessly a few times. "_Charlie…Charlie." _And I noted the way she never said_ 'Daddy'. _

And then there was the one time I heard my own name. I looked over at her face when she said it, thinking for a second that perhaps she had awoken, but she was still fast asleep and her eyebrows were knitted together pensively. It wasn't as restless as the tone she used for her father's name, but the sound of it did nothing to stroke my ego nor did it make me smile. The sound of my name on her lips was sad.

When I arrived at her house, she was still asleep and I didn't wake her right away. It was after seven at night and there were no cars in the driveway, and I realized she'd be home alone. I watched her sleeping form silently, strapped in behind the seatbelt, and a barrage of feelings overcame me. She was the first person I had ever opened up to about the deaths of my mother and brother and he was also the first girl that I'd ever had the inclination to make my girlfriend. Titles were a fucked up thing. I usually cringed away from all that kind of mushy drama and shit, but somehow I had barreled into it with her and now that I was in, I wondered what it meant.

Just as I had predicted, Carlisle had asked me about the nature of our relationship the day we found him in the library. He wanted to know my intentions with her and exactly how _close_ we were. I answered him with the truth and he seemed to accept it easily though he looked bothered. He ended up warning me to be careful with her because he wasn't sure but she seemed awfully fragile and depressive to be mixed up with someone as hard as me; and then there was her _situation_ at home with the divorce etc. I almost laughed when he tried that because he had no idea how informed I actually was at the time about her _situation_.

And then it got me thinking. What the hell did he know about her situation at home? He was only her doctor and he only tended to her once. It had to be that he was talking to Esme and that meant that he was sweet on the woman. Carlisle never pushed the envelope and if he'd been talking to Esme about anything other than Bella's health, something had to be going on. I'd seen it in his eyes. He was poor at hiding shit. Whenever he tried to hide, he gave too much away instead; he way too soft hearted to be good at deception.

I let my suspicions dwindle though, refusing to see it as an issue. Before Bella, he'd never asked me about the girls I hung out with. I knew that he observed everything from a safe distance and through Emmett, but he never intervened or asked any questions. However, he asked about Bella. That was my other hint that he was sweet on Esme, because he knew that me being with Bella and him being with Esme would make things fucked up for everybody, and he just had to be sure. So I told him. Better to have it out in the open from the get go, that way he could choose his path wisely.

--------------------------------

She shifted in the seat and her snoring stopped. It turned into a soft whimper and she looked like she was getting cold. So instead of turning up the heater some more, I decided to wake her and take her into the house where she'd be more comfortable.

"Bella," I leaned over and squeezed her hand. "Bella, you're home."

She groaned groggily and shifted again.

I stroked her cheek. "Bella, where are your keys?"

"In my pocket," she moaned unhappily. The sound of her voice effected a physical reaction in me. The sleep coated hoarseness sounded absolutely adorable and even a little sexy. I went through her pockets and found two keys on a ring in her coat pocket. I smiled to myself. If it were most other girls, I'd be emptying the embarrassing contents of an overstuffed purse into my lap to find the keys which would surely have been at the bottom. But not Bella. No purse and no clutter; just the keys, her mobile and her wallet in her coat pockets and she was happy…..well, figuratively speaking.

I got out, went around to her side and lifted her out gently, careful not to disturb her too much. She smiled weakly, still too drugged with sleep to manage complete consciousness. I carried her weight easily up the walkway and to the front door. I had to press her against the door slightly in order to get the key into the knob. On my second try, I got the correct keys in their respective grooves while balancing her body in my arms and opened the door to the dimly lit foyer. I looked around for any sign of life, but the place was obviously deserted.

I took the stairs after shutting the door behind me and made my way through the upstairs corridor. It was easy to find her bedroom, because I knew her window from the road and the moment I went through the door, it was obvious that it was hers. Not very girlie, not too staid – just the middle of the road, understated elegance with all the necessities. A bed, a nightstand with a lamp, a desk, laptop, shelves with tons of books and CDs, shoes on the floor and a poster of Andrea Boccelli taped to the wall above the bed head. I set her down on the made bed gently, not bothering to put the lights on. Her room smelled sweet like her; and not like synthetic perfume kind of sweet, but rather like something that resembled baby powder - natural and soft.

Like what purity would smell like if it came in a bottle.

The moonlight came in through her window through the thin white curtains and it spilled across her face in a translucent kiss, bathing her in a blue ethereal glow.

I didn't want to leave her alone in house. I intended to sit and watch her sleep until I heard cars pulling up the driveway. Then I would make my way downstairs and sit in the kitchen until they came in through the front door. I bent over to give her a small kiss, feeling pulled to the quiet aura that surrounded her, but I stopped midway and stared down at her.

There was nothing more tempting right then, than the thought of kissing her and perhaps lying next to her for a while until I heard the cars in the driveway. But I was nowhere near brave enough. I knew that the moment I lay down next to her I would start kissing her, and if I started kissing her, I would wake her because I wouldn't be able to leave it at just a few chaste pecks here and there. And if she awoke to me kissing her, lying in her bed in the dark of her room, I would just have to show her the insatiable scope of my thirst for her body and then….I would spoil her, because judging from the way she responded to me, I knew that she would not stop me.

Bella was far too beautiful to spoil with one act of random sexual desire, far too peaceful to disturb and far too angelic to drag straight to hell with me. So I stared at her and swallowed my lust and tried to control my vice like and corruptive displays of affection. But being so close to her when she looked like that was too hard and I knew I had to leave before it was too late. So I settled for a quick kiss to her forehead, pulled her covers over her and whispered a faint good night, thinking it was best to wait for her mother or sister in the kitchen, instead of in her bed. I hadn't even made it to the door when her voice came through the quiet of the room and stopped me dead in my tracks with its soft huskiness.

"Edward?"

And it was too alluring to ignore. I turned around and looked at her, still lying down, hoping ardently that she was still asleep and that perhaps it was just another bewitching characteristic of her sleeping form. But then she blinked and I knew she was awake.

"Please don't go yet," she asked.

I took a deep breath and shoved my hands into my jeans pockets. "I can't stay. What if your mom or Alice comes home and finds me in here?"

"Just for a minute," she replied, pushing herself up on one arm and the cruel sensuality of her voice tugged mercilessly at the seam of my control. "I'll hear them when they drive in and then I will go down with you to the sitting room if you want."

I shut my eyes, feeling myself lose the inward battle to resist her. She was asking me to go to her, to lie next to her, on her bed, in the dark, when she sounded like _that_. I bit down on my jaw, trying to find a rational excuse for her, but really there was none.

"Bella," I began. "I want to, but what if…."

"Sshhh," she stopped me, beckoning with her hand for me to go over to her. All of a sudden I felt like our roles had reversed and by some eerie twist of fate, she had become the bedazzling little devil and I was the unsuspecting victim, hypnotized by her allure. Without another word I went to her, finally submitting to the power she had over me and unwilling to fight it. I brought my knee up and over her, placing my body over hers and pushed her back down onto the mattress until I was on top of her supple, soft frame. I hovered over her face with straight arms and buckled elbows wanting nothing more than to take her right there. She smiled wickedly and put her arms up around my neck to pull me down. She didn't even know the need she had in her eyes, the need to have me satisfy the parts of her body that didn't even know they thirsted, the parts of her that she herself hadn't yet discovered.

I bent over and kissed her and I tried to be gentle, but she was past hungry for it and goddamn it, so was I. She groaned like an eager little thing, lapping up everything I fed her with my mouth, and then she pulled me completely onto her with freakishly strong hands until I had her pinned underneath me right where she wanted to be. She smiled against my lips, showing me just how badly she wanted me to continue and I felt her fingers snake through my hair hypnotically until she had two handfuls of it in her grasp. She was all over me, though she was underneath, pressing herself upward and parting her legs so that I could fit even better against the groove of her seduction. I felt myself approach the point of _stop now or forever hold your peace _when I felt the warmth of her core which I just _knew_ was moist, rubbing against mine. She started to writhe and pant and bite at my neck and I was almost dumfounded at the sexual heat she was capable of. She really didn't know what she was doing to me and it was evident in her surprised gasp when my steel hard groin bucked against her, shoving itself against the moist barrier of denim between us.

She opened her mouth and widened her eyes, staring up at me like the innocent doe eyed fawn that she was, but then she shocked me again and did the most unforgiveable thing. She locked her legs around me and started dry humping me, pressing and rubbing herself against my aching groin and uttering the most erotic little groans that I'd ever heard. It was almost too much for me to bear. I dropped my head down and buried my face into her neck, struggling to control the awakening creature inside, the one whose presence in my head would surely take advantage of this and take it all to gratifying completion, without a second thought for Bella's innocence in the process. She grabbed my ass next, determined to push us so hard together that I just don't know _how _I didn't fucking explode in my pants.

"Bella," I panted against her neck. "Stop, please. Stop."

"What?" she whispered, continuing her assault by raising her knees even higher toward her chest, granting me even more access to her inviting mold. "I don't want to stop."

I swore in those moments that her voice was the most effective sexual device known to mankind, because every time I drew enough strength to resist the daunting wave of lust that threatened to pull us into oblivion, she would talk and I was back at square one again.

I attacked her pouting lips, cutting off her every gasp, moan and titter with my greedy tongue. Her hands made their way up under my jacket and shirt and she scraped her nails against the skin of my back, just hard enough to get me to groan into her mouth.

"What are you trying to do to me?" I grunted against her lips as I slammed my shaft hard against her opening.

She bucked her hips under me when I did that and made me bite down on her tongue.

"Uh!" She yelped and when I thought that she would push me off in aversion, she only giggled ecstatically and pressed up against me more. I allowed her to blind me with her spell. I searched for her breasts underneath me and when I found them I squeezed them roughly through her t-shirt. That made her cry out in praise and the next thing I knew she was pulling her t-shirt up and pushing my hands under it. Thank goodness I found her bra and not her hot bare flesh because that would have been the sure thing to knock me right into a sexual stupor where there no consequences. I pulled my mouth away from hers in a last attempt at nobility, swallowing like a thirsty fool and squeezing my eyes tight enough so that I didn't have to see her smoldering eyes. I buried my face in her neck again and cried out for dear mercy.

"Bella, we _have_ to stop," I pulled my hands away from her clad breasts and balled my hands into vicious fists in her pillow, refusing to touch anymore. So far I had managed not to roam down to the top of her pants.

"But I can't," she complained. "Why do we have to stop?!"

"No," I gritted harshly through clenched teeth, and I finally felt her stiffen underneath me with the change in my tone. I pushed myself off the bed roughly and put some distance between us. I found the furthest point in the room away from her and started to pace with my hands in my hair.

I glanced at her briefly and the image of her teased, tousled hair and flushed cheeks was nearly the end of me again. Thank goodness she was wearing her jeans and coat while I was on top of her, because heaven help me, if she was in some thin pajamas or something, I don't think the connection between our legs would have ended quite so innocently.

"What's the matter?" She asked, sounding hurt. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Bella and that was exactly why I needed to control myself in the sex department. She didn't know because she was still so innocent. She didn't know the way sex changed things, the way it complicated it, the way it transformed something sweet and romantic into something lustful and stained.

"I told you already today," hating myself for being the bad guy. "I don't want to lose control with you."

"But why?" She sounded wounded and hurt. I tried to ignore the injured inflection in her voice, but maybe it was better for my reserve than the seductive, sleepy hoarseness of before. The only answer I could afford her was a labored sigh.

"Is it because I'm a virgin?" She asked, flopping back down onto her pillow in exasperation. "I should have never said anything to you. I should have let you think that I wasn't."

"My goodness Bella," I said, leaning against the wall with one hand in my hair. "I knew that already without you having to say anything."

"How?"

"It doesn't matter. I just did."

I really didn't want the night to end in a fight. I knew what it was like fighting with her and I never wanted to go through that again.

"Please hear me out," I said, hearing a car pull into the driveway outside of her window. "I won't let myself hurt you."

"Hurt me?" She retorted. I heard her feet hit the floor and then she was brushing past me furiously into the hallway. I had no choice but to follow her. "How would that be hurting me if I'm _asking_ for it Edward?"

We made it into the sitting room and turned the lights on a mere few seconds before Alice opened the front door.

"Nice try suckers," she came careening into the sitting room mischievously with her eyes scanning our bodies from head to toe and then every inch of the room afterward. "I saw the light go on and it was off when I pulled up. I could see from out the window. You don't fool me. And that's definitely sex hair." She pointed at Bella's head triumphantly.

She rolled her eyes then and clucked her tongue smugly. "Next time you should set the stage _before _instead of after. You're lucky it was me that came home and not mom..haha!" And then she was gone.

"Where is she anyway?" Bella called after her.

"Lip gloss isn't payment enough to give you that kind of information!" Alice yelled back.

I cocked an eyebrow at Bella and she shook her head miserably.

"Long story," she said irritably. "And she's not holding up her end of the deal."

"Uh huh," I nodded slowly, gratefully lost in the exchange between them. I rubbed the back of my neck as I started to feel the effects of the long day.

"You're tired," she said, looking at me up and down through heavy eyelashes. I looked down at her adorable antics and exhaled, absolutely smitten by her then pulled her in for a hug. It seemed that the disagreement was over.

"Will I see you tomorrow?" I asked her.

"Ok," she shrugged dejectedly, so I kissed the top of her head. "What are we going to do?"

"We haven't gone to the Oak in a while."

I felt her smile into my chest. "I'd like that."

"I'll pick you up at two."

I kissed her soft head again before letting her go and then she walked me to the door.

"Mom," she said in surprise when she opened the door to find Esme looking for her keys. "Hi."

"Hi kids," Esme responded with speculating eyes bouncing back and forth between ours like a game of ping pong.

"Good night Ms…"

"Esme," she finished for me. "You can call me Esme, Edward. It's fine."

"Esme," I smiled. "Good night then. I was just leaving."

"OK," she answered. "How long have you two been back from Port Angeles?"

"Not very long," Bella answered quickly, twirling a few strands of her hair. "Just before Alice." I was sure that her hastiness would have sold us out but Esme only smiled tiredly and walked in past us. "Ok. I hope you had fun. Come in to bed honey. Good night Edward."

"Night," I repeated after her, and Bella closed the door with us both out on the front step.

She hugged me lingeringly and tip toed for a kiss.

"You need not be so careful with me," she sighed. "I'm a big girl and I know what I want."

"Let's not talk about it anymore tonight," I pleaded, fearing that anything I said would be the wrong thing. I needed time to process everything before I could be prepared enough to stand my ground in that battle because I knew she had the power to override me. "Tomorrow."

"Sure," she shrugged. "Good night."

I bent over and kissed her again, not wanting her to feel rejected because that's not what I was trying to do. Rejecting her was the last thing I intended to do.

"I'll see you tomorrow," I said and she turned and went into the house. I walked down the steps to my car, thankful that I had stopped myself in her bedroom when I did, because I wasn't sure that either of us would have heard Alice pull up with the way we were entranced. And Alice was right. We were lucky that it was her that arrived first and not their mother. That would _not_ have been the cleverest way of starting off with Esme.

-------------------------------------

We spent Sunday afternoon together at the Oak. She was distracted but she avoided any talk about her mood or about what had happened the night before. We lay on the ground under the Oak and she read a book while I listened to my music and tried to write a song. The afternoon was calm and peaceful and I enjoyed the comfort of her company. It was so refreshing to be next to someone and not have to say anything at all. In fact, it was fucking therapeutic.

There were no lustful encounters that day. She was happy with a few deep kisses and a lot of hugging; and when I took her home she hugged me and disappeared into the house quickly.

The next few days in school went by mechanically too. I walked her to most of her classes, we had bio together, handed in our assignment, sat with the rest of our table mates during lunch, and I took her to and from school every day. Most afternoons she came to my house to do homework in the library and by 9 o'clock I had her home. Friday afternoon was the first time she couldn't come over and it was because she had some kind of family thing planned with Alice and her mother.

For the life of me, I couldn't understand the immense wave of disappointment when I found myself alone in the library at home.

I felt like a fucking loser. A lonely fucking loser. Friday evening, sitting alone at home missing a girl.

I was_ not_ used to being that guy and I wasn't so sure that I was comfortable with it. I called Jasper because I needed a distraction and because since we both got girlfriends he hadn't spent that much time together. It turned out that was already in my house when I called him, down in the game room with Emmett and Rosalie. So I joined them. When I walked in, he and Emmett were drinking beer and Rosalie was sipping some kind of green arrogant looking thing from a long stemmed glass.

"Where's Carlisle?" I asked Emmett, sure that the drinking wouldn't be happening if Carlisle was around.

"Working late," Emmett answered. "Surgery or some shit."

"Mmm," I answered, grabbing a beer from the chiller in the game room.

I didn't drink often. It wasn't the kind of thing I went off on and I usually avoided Emmett whenever he tried to get me to drink, even a little. Jasper on the other hand had absolutely no qualms about busting up a few beers and going home drunk. Which he always got into trouble for, but as long as Carlisle didn't discover Jasper leaving his house drunk on _his_ alcohol, I was fine with it.

That day was different though and I needed a distraction from missing Bella so much, and from being such a complete sap, so I decided to chug a few.

"What the fuck," Jasper laughed when he saw me take the beer. "Look who's drinking."

"Fuck off Jazz," I retorted.

Rosalie grunted something I didn't hear and rolled her eyes.

"Nine ball?" Emmett grinned, throwing me a pool cue.

"Well since I can't beat you at arm wrestling," I caught the cue. "Let's see how well you fare with intellect."

Rosalie made another disparaging sound, always the hustler when it came to defending Emmett against any kind of challenge and as usual, I ignored her.

Emmett's grin opened up even wider when I accepted his challenge and he chalked up his cue.

"I could beat you with my eyes closed pretty boy," he teased laughingly.

"Ok wise ass," I chuckled. "We're playing call shot and no ball in hand."

"Whatever," Rosalie rolled her eyes and took Emmett's side. "You think you're such a hot shot. Kick his ass baby. And make mama happy." She kissed his ear and pinched his ass, making both Emmett and Jasper laugh while I racked the balls on the table.

The game started off seriously enough with Emmett frowning pensively before he called each shot and biting down on his jaw before he actually attempted it. But four beers and half hour later, we started losing focus. Macho Emmett kept trying to cinch his shots, putting way more muscle into it than was necessary and messed up most, if not all of them. A couple of times he shot the ball right off the table and then finally he scratched when he dunked the cue ball in the pocket he called for his next shot.

So I won by default.

Jasper and I were hurling over, killing ourselves with laughter and especially when Rosalie lashed out at Emmett for losing the game carelessly.

"Geez Emmett!" she squealed. "Can't you do anything without your biceps?!"

And just like Emmett to twist everything around on her, he grabbed her by her hips and pulled her against him. "You want me to _show _you what I can do without my biceps woman?" And he flicked his tongue out at her. She tried to pretend that she didn't care about the sexual connotation and blew some hair off her forehead, all exasperated and shit.

"I wanted you to kick his ass," she pouted at him.

"I've already kicked his ass where it counts," he grinned and kissed her smiling mouth.

"What the fuck yall," Jasper screeched. "Get a room."

It was just like Rosalie to always want the spotlight on her and forever trying to make a point to me. I was past caring anymore. Thank God for Emmett. He was great at keeping her idle and poisonous arrows occupied.

The evening escalated very quickly into a drunken event. I drank and smoke and talked about a host of unimportant, useless, normal shit that never actually got my mind completely off Bella.

Fuck, I was getting too dependant on her company and I hated that shit. The more I drank, the more I thought about her, because the more I drank, the more I concentrated on _not_ thinking about her...so of course that's all I did. At 7 o' clock, Emmett took Rosalie home and Jasper and I went out back to smoke some more.

"So it's pretty serious with you and Bella," he said when we sat.

I looked at him from the side, _really_ dreading the oncoming conversation. I was apparently good at being all mushy and shit with Bella, but I couldn't do it with anybody else, least of all Jasper. Not to mention, I was seriously feeling the effects of too much beer.

"She's my girl if that's what you mean," I answered him.

"Do you realize how fucking huge that shit is man?" He said, pulling on his cig.

I knew what he meant, though I pretended not to with a shrug.

"Fuck man. Have you ever been in an actual relationship before? Like had an actual girlfriend?"

I took a deep breath and blew some smoke out of my mouth.

"What's your point?"

"My point is," he emphasized. "That everybody's talking about it at school. Like you're whipped with the new weird girl or something."

I shot him a singeing look.

"Stop calling her the weird girl and she is the sister of_ your_ girlfriend," I said. "I'm sure Alice would love that you call her the weird girl."

"Hey, I'm just saying what people are saying. I didn't say _I_ thought she was weird."

I didn't answer to that and I knew that people were talking about it at school; they always talked about me. As usual, anything to draw people's attention away from their own shortcomings. The only thing that bugged me about all the fuss at school over Bella and me was what Tanya and Victoria would try to instigate because of it.

"I wish people would mind their own fucking business," I grumbled. It was cold as ass outside and we had to go through like three consecutive cigs each just to burn the frost out of our lungs.

"But you had to expect that," Jazz continued. "You're like the ultimate prized catch in Forks' High apparently. Every girl wants a piece of your ass and then here comes Bella, this odd, new ...sorry, but dude, admit it, she's odd.Here she comes outta nowhere and changes shit up in what…_bleh_, a few days? Everybody wants to know what the fuck she did to you."

I started getting irritated with his callous references to her.

"She didn't do anything to me. And she's not odd, she's _different._ And that's what I like about her. It's so fucking simple. I don't understand what's the big deal."

But I knew that it wasn't simple and that I was probably lying. It wasn't simple with Bella at all. It was complicated for so many reasons and I understood why people who knew my usual behavior, like Jasper, would think it was weird. I usually went for the straight hitters like Rosalie and Tanya, the obvious eye catchers, the ones who were very open with their sexuality, very easy to get and even easier to get over. And even all the other girls I flirted with, had major make-out and heavy petting sessions with, were all the obvious choices for me and for most guys. And as I thought about it sitting out there next to Japser, it made me almost nauseous. It only emphasized the truth about me. I was the typical teenage testosterone driven asshole and I definitely didn't deserve Bella. She couldn't have picked a worse match for herself, not even if she tried.

"Shit man, you've fallen really hard for her, haven't you?" It was more of an observation than a question and from the corner of my eye I could tell that he was staring at me while I stared off into the darkness of the forest ahead.

I swallowed hard, hating the fact that I was so transparent and even more so that the harsh exterior I had worked so hard to build, was crumbling all around me.

"So I like her," I tried shrugging it off with feigned nonchalance then shifted the spotlight onto him. I exhaled heavily with cloudy eyes, feeling seriously buzzed from all the beer. "The same way you like her sister."

"I doubt that it's the same," Jasper said, flicking his cig out in front of him. "I think I'm in love with that Swan girl."

I frowned at him and scoffed, waiting for him to point at me and laugh and say some kind of shit like… _'Ha, gotcha didn't I?' _But he didn't. He just sat there and stared off into the forest like I had.

"Fuck no," I clucked, with a short cynical laugh. "Never. Jasper, in love with a chick."

"There are worst things."

I narrowed my eyes at him and for some reason my heart started racing in defiance. I refused to believe him, and his calm submittal to the notion of love even angered me. I tried to contain it, by biting down on my teeth and tearing my eyes away from his face.

"Poor Alice," I managed to bite out.

"Fuck, you're right," he smirked. "The poor girl. Imagine _her_ with the likes of me." But he still didn't deny it.

"How do you know you're in love?" I asked, dropping my eyes to my feet.

He looked at me and smiled. "Because she told me so."

"Alice _told_ you that you're in love with her?" I almost screamed at him, but, you know, I didn't doubt it for one minute because she was exactly the bossy, skipper type, and overstuffed with some nerve.

"Yes," he laughed. "And she's absolutely right. I can't stand being without her. I can't imagine my life before her, and I want everything from now on to be about her. I think about her all the time. I don't know who I am without her. I have to be with her all the fucking time. Like tonight, she was busy and I don't know what the fuck to do with myself."

I shifted uncomfortably on the floor and turned my face away. _That_ sounded familiar.

"And I have to know where she is at all times," he continued. "I worry about her. Fuck, I never worried about a chick before. I'm always so in tune what she's feeling and whether or not she's ok and I don't mind being fucking mushy with her in public. Her family shit bugs me because it bugs her and I find myself telling her things about myself that I swear I don't want anybody else to know. Dude, I actually want to take things slow with her. Imagine that!"

_Toooo_ fucking familiar. He was making me sick, or maybe that was just my head spinning from my semi drunkenness. I inhaled deeply and ground the back of my head into the wall of the house.

"Imagine that," I repeated after him in a low voice, feeling very disturbed by what he was saying and by the fact that it sounded like a carbon copy of what I'd been feeling for Bella. I felt my blood run cold and all of a sudden I needed to get away.

"Where are you going?" he asked when I got up. "What's up?"

"I gotta go," I answered absently and then I spun back around and pointed down at him.

"And for the record Jazz. That's not necessarily love you're talking about. You could just be really infatuated or…I don't know…really infatuated. You shouldn't let Alice tell you how you feel."

"You don't get it," he said. "I don't care. It doesn't matter if she says it or not, or what it's called. It just is and I'm ok with it." Then he narrowed his eyes at me suspiciously.

"Why the fuck is it bothering you so much anyway?"

"Who says it's bothering me."

"I do," he got off the floor and leaned his back against the wall, crossing his legs and his arms simultaneously. "I know you man. Whenever you can't deal with something you get angry."

"Jasper," I snorted, turning to walk away for real this time. "You don't know me and I'm not angry."

"And whenever someone hits one of your nails on the head, you get offensive," he called after me. "This isn't about me Edward! It's about you isn't it?!"

I didn't respond. I just hurried back into the house to grab another beer and my car keys and by the time I came back out, his car was gone. Who the fuck did he think he was? Because he thought he was in love didn't give him the right to start shooting things in my direction. And as much as I hated to admit it, Jasper _did_ know me. He may not have known everything inside of my head, but he was pretty bang on about my mannerisms.

I sped through the dark streets of Forks, tossing the brew into my mouth carelessly and generally doing a suck ass job at driving properly. And driving the way I was, it took me less than an hour down the highway before I realized I was leaving Forks. I shoved a CD into the player, trying to drown out everything Jasper said about his feelings for Alice as well my own suspicions about myself. I rarely drank like that and never while I was driving. After the fatal car crash that took my mother's life, I made it a point to never drive under the influence, even though she wasn't drunk when it happened, and especially because I knew I had a flair for speed. I had gotten drunk only once in my life and it was with Marcus. We had stolen alcohol and snuck it into his room. We drank and snickered until we passed out and got mad sick afterward and puked all over the fucking room. Of course, we were grounded for it afterward and all the liquor was locked away in the underground cellar.

A month of cleaning the mansion without the help of the house keepers. I never fucking got drunk after that.

But that night, I _really_ needed to get smashed and pass out so that I could stop torturing myself about Bella and whether or not the fact that I had all of Jasper's symptoms meant anything. But the fucked up thing about it was that my state of inebriation only made me more fixated on it.

What is it about alcohol that makes shit even worse? It's so fucking depressive. It never works the way you want it to.

Instead of forgetting, I obsessed more about it and it threw me into the foulest mood. I pulled over to the side of the road and screeched to a halt, feeling my stomach lurch in nausea. I dove out of the car to relieve myself of my guts on the side of the road, clutching on to the car for support. When some of my puke splashed against my tires, I pushed off from the car and stepped in further to the side of the road over a rock to finish emptying myself. But because of the black darkness of the forest that lined the both sides of the road, I didn't see the sharp drop on the other side of the rock; which as it turned out wasn't a rock at all but more like the protruding edge of a small cliff. I ended up hurtling over it and plunged down right into the drop, rolled down about seven feet and crashed into the massive protruding root of a tree with a sickening crack.

"_Fuck_!" I screamed as a searing pain crashed through my right shoulder. I tried to get up, but my head was spinning, I felt like blacking out, and I most surely wasn't done yet with my vomiting. I gagged like a sick child while grimacing through the crippling pain in my shoulder. But at least, the combination of my vomiting and the excruciating blow managed to sober me up partially. I stumbled to my feet when I was sure that there was nothing left on my insides and groped my way through the dark toward the wall of the drop. I could see my head lights on up above and I tried to climb back up the slope, but my throbbing shoulder rendered my right arm useless and I couldn't haul myself up with one arm alone.

"Great," I cried out in frustration. "Just _fucking_ wonderful!"

I contemplated sitting down there until the sun came up or until someone called me. Thank God I had my cell in my pants pocket. But then I panicked when I realized that Bella would more than likely be the first to call when she was done with her family thing and what the fuck would I tell her when she called and wanted to knew where I was? Lying wasn't an option, because it wasn't like this was something I could fucking hide.

So I called Emmett. Carlisle would still be in surgery and Jasper would be too asinine.

"Yo bro," Emmett answered in his usual jovial, playful tone.

"Emmett I need your help," I grimaced into the phone, wincing through the pain that started creeping across my back and into my neck. "I need you to come get me now...it's urgent."

"Where are you?" He switched into big brother protector mode immediately, losing every ounce of playfulness in his tone when he picked up the distress in my voice. "What the fuck happened?"

"Look don't raise an alarm, ok," I said quickly. "I don't want anyone else but you to come."

"Where are you Edward?"

"Highway 101," I winced through clenched teeth as I tried to sit. "_Fuck_. I'm about an hour south on it, almost in Aberdeen. My car is parked on the side of the road."

"What the fuck are you doing all the way out there Edward?" He asked and by his quickened breathing I could tell that he was already on the move.

"Baby, I gotta go," he said.

"Thanks sweetheart," I grunted, even though I knew he was talking to Rosalie.

"Not you Edward. Fuck. I'm talking to Rose."

I managed a wry smile in the dark.

"Make sure you come _alone, _please Emmett," I stressed. The absolute last thing I needed right then was Rosalie's gloating and bitching at my expense.

"What happened to your car?" Emmett continued and I heard his jeep start up. "Hang on."

A door slammed and I heard Rosalie's whining in the background.

"I'll call you when I get back," he said to her.

"I don't understand why you won't tell me what's going on," I heard her complain.

"_I _don't even know what's going on babe. I'll call you when I get back." And then a smooching sound.

"I'm going to vomit again," I grunted to myself.

"Again?" He came back. "You're drunk aren't you? You crashed the car."

"Now that I have your undivided attention," I retorted. "Not exactly. The car's fine."

In fact, it would have been a lot less embarrassing to report _that_ instead.

"Call me when you get closer. I'm waiting and please hurry." I ended the call then, making sure to record the time. It was 8:45 pm.

Time crept by painfully slow and my shoulder started swelling. I cursed myself over and over for drinking. Every time I got drunk something ridiculous happened to teach me a lesson. It was only my second time and the result was much worse than the first. I was trapped in a dark ditch with a searing headache, an injured and possibly broken shoulder. And then, because I was alone in the dark, with nothing but my thoughts to occupy me, the assault began again.

_Bella, Bella, Bella._

I tried to convince myself that it was impossible and utterly unimaginable to fall in love so soon, or at all, and that having a girlfriend didn't automatically equate to love. It was way too risky and dangerous to lose myself completely like that. Not to mention, it was already bad enough that I had surrendered myself to the things I spent most of my time trying to avoid. For example, I had sworn off girls as the enemy and then – there she was. I hated all forms of drama and well, Bella wasn't exactly without complication. I loathed public attention and since I'd been with her, it was all anybody at school could talk about, and let's not forget Tanya and Victoria. Fuck. The only thing worse than all that was the obvious reason for running away from the possibility of it being true; love meant the risk of pain associated with loss.

I had already gone through the loss of two people I had loved and since then, I had managed to stay clear of love. Once I didn't love, I stood no chance of grief or pain if and when I lost the source of that love. It was safer not to love. It was safer to be the jack ass that _couldn't _be loved_. _Then why the fuck had I gone and entertained the whole prospect of it?

The seconds ticked by in cruel snail pace, leaving me to suffer through my mental seizure as well as my physical discomfort in lengthened silence. I started to lose feeling in my shoulder because of the cold. I knew I wasn't bleeding, well not from my shoulder at least and the numbness was possibly more painful than the lancing heat from before. I glanced at my watch, turning on the little light on it to see the time – 8:50 pm. Fuck! Only five minutes had passed since talking to Emmett?! I was probably only down there for a total of ten minutes so far.

"You gotta be kidding me?!"

Then my cell started to ring and I just knew it was too soon to be Emmett, though I hoped.

"Edward?" she gasped, sounding slightly alarmed.

"Bella," I answered her nervously. It was good to hear her voice, especially since I was stuck in a dank, dark hole with nothing but the howling, looming forest all around me.

"Um…." she responded with a nervous inflection in her voice. "How are you?"

I shifted on the ground, wondering what to tell her. I knew she would panic if she knew the truth, so I decided to postpone the inevitable until I was out of danger.

"I'm ok," I answered. "How was your night?"

"It was fine," she answered hastily. "What did _you_ do tonight?"

_This is fine_, I thought. _I can handle this._ _There is absolutely no need to lie. Just a little omission is all._

"I hung out with the boys and with _Rosalie_," I told her, stressing the last name on purpose in the hope that she take that and run with it. But she just skipped over it.

"Are you still there with them?"

I managed a short, clipped laugh.

"Bella, why do you sound so wound up? Do you think I'm being naughty?"

I could even hear her blush.

"No of course not," she clipped. "I was just wondering where you were. I'm bored at this thing and I thought about you."

_Avoid._

"So you're not home yet?" I asked her.

"No," she said.

"Where's your mom and Alice?"

"They're inside mingling with Esme's work colleagues. I came out for some air."

_Better to make it about her._

"Are you ok? You sound like something's wrong," I said.

She paused and I heard her exhale heavily.

"I'm ok," she answered.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Will you call me when you get home?" I asked, trying to give us a future target to concentrate on, instead of that very goddamned minute in time.

"Sure," she paused again. "Will you be home?"

_Avoid._

"I missed you tonight. I can't wait till you call me later. I'd rather talk to you then. I don't like you outside alone. You should go back in," I squeezed my eyes shut, cringing at my poor attempt to take her askew.

"Ok then. I'll call you when I get home."

"Ok, bye."

I almost collapsed from the pressure. I tucked my phone away in my pocket and closed my eyes, pulling Emmett nearer to me with every unit measure of my concentration.

"Get here quick buddy. Please."


	25. Chapter 25 Bondage

This chapter is a double, both EPOV and BPOV. The first episode between them and she's having a hard time dealing with it.

Enjoy.

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**Chapter 25 - Bondage**

It took Emmett forty five minutes to get to me. Thank God he was just as heavy on the gas as I was. By then I was freezing cold and shaking like a leaf. My shoulder hurt like fuck and the pain had paralyzed my entire arm, most of my right side and my neck. I heard his tires screech to a halt above head and soon after I heard his voice. I was never so happy at sight or sound of him. He was like a fucking angel that materialized out of the cold and the dark.

"Edward?!" He called out in a panic. "_Edward! _Where are you?!"

"I'm down here!" I called up to him. Even talking had gotten painful.

"_What the_...how'd you…..I can't see a thing! Where the fuck are you?!"

"Look down. I can't get out," I pulled my body up into a standing position and winced in frozen pain. I strained my neck to look up and made out his tall, brawny outline. His silhouette looked completely black in front of the headlights behind him. He marched back to his jeep and returned a few seconds later with a torch. The white light hurt my eyes and I had to turn away from the glare. Everything fucking hurt and I was freezing cold.

"I'm hurt," I called up to him.

"I see you," he said. "Why the fuck are you down there?"

"Can we talk about it later?" I grumbled. "I'd really like to get out of here."

He raised his leg to step over the same blasphemous rock that_ I_ had tried stepping over and I raised my good arm in alarm.

"No! Wait!"

He froze.

"There's a _huge _gap there. That's where I fell. Whatever you do..._don't__ do that_."

He shone the light down on the floor before him and nodded, but I still couldn't see his face. It took him a few seconds to map out his path with pointing fingers and then he went down onto his stomach.

"Ok Ed," he said stretching an arm down to me. "Take my hand. I'm gonna pull you up."

I leveraged with my right foot and climbed up as far as I could go, stretching up my right arm to him. He grabbed me with the grip and strength of a bear and tugged at me roughly.

"Ow! _Fuck!_" I screeched as the force hitched my neck and grated my wounded shoulder against the incline. I was almost paralyzed right then and there. It felt like if I was rubbing my shoulder and back against the mocking, glinting edge of a sharpened knife and every bit of movement only served to press the slicer in deeper.

"What?!" He screamed down at me in panic.

"I can't move my right arm and my neck is stiff. You have to pull _gently_."

Not a word he was likely to know.

He tried again with steady force, slower than before, though not much gentler. I helped him as much as I could, scraping up the side with my legs but when I'd finally gotten almost to the top the dirt crumbled under my feet and I started skating backward again. He was quick though and he lunged forward and caught me under my left arm.

He held me there for a few seconds so that he could catch his breath and anchor himself better with his spread legs behind him.

"It's gonna hurt, Edward," he exhaled. "Because I need the help of your right arm to pull you out completely. I need to get under there."

I bit down on my bottom lip and nodded in approval, squeezing my eyes shut to brace myself for the torture. He placed his left hand under my right arm then and dragged me up and out in one sweeping motion.

Needless to say, it felt as if my arm would give up and fall right off with the way it hurt.

"_Aarrghhh_!" I grunted through clenched teeth as I fell over to the side. "Fuck! That shit hurts!"

"You're shaking," Emmett said as he hoisted me up to my legs using my left side. He put me in the passenger side of his jeep then marched around to the back, grabbed a blanket out of his trunk and placed it over my chest. He disappeared again and this time I felt the jeep budge slightly from behind. I didn't have the strength to turn around to see what he was doing back there but I heard the door to my car slam shut followed by a series of clanking and clicking sounds.

"What're you doing?!" I called out to him. "Let's go."

"I'm tying your car to the back of mine so that we can tow it out of here. You can't drive. See, if you had let me bring someone along, we could have had it driven back."

"Doesn't matter," I grunted. "Just leave it."

"Yeah sure!" he called out. "I'd love to hear you explain your abandoned sports car to your father!"

A few minutes later he was back in the jeep, dusting his hands off against his thighs and surveying the damage on my body. He shook his head then pulled off and turned the car around to head back to Forks, pulling the Volvo behind him. He was certainly the pillar of muscular strength. Everything about Emmett screamed brawn and power; even down to his jeep – pulling mine behind it.

"_Now_ are you going to tell me what the fuck happened?" He asked.

"I drank too much," I groaned, shoving my head into head rest. The bumpy ride in the jeep didn't help the lancing in my body one bit.

"Yeah? And?"

"But I needed to take a drive and clear my head," I continued.

"So you drove drunk."

"I knew what I was doing."

"Yeah," he snorted. "You and every other drunk driver that's ever smashed themselves."

"I didn't crash."

"Well the car looks in tact, but how the fuck did you end up over the side?"

"I pulled over to vomit but I stepped in too far to the side and fell over. It was dark."

He shook his head.

"Where are you hurt?"

"I think I dislocated my shoulder," I winced, touching it slightly with the fingers of my left hand.

He glanced over at me again, this time sounding more amused than upset. "You're so fucking lucky Carlisle is your father."

I tried to ignore the insinuation behind his words, though it was clear what he meant. He had lost his father before he was born and his mother had died during child birth. He never knew either of them, so I guessed that in a lot of ways, he should have been every bit as bitter as I was, only Emmett never showed it.

"He's your father too," I said nonchalantly and turned my gaze out the window. I'd have shrugged if I could. He didn't answer, though his silence indicated that he knew what I was trying to say to him.

"Get some sleep," he said eventually. "You're gonna need your strength to face off with Carlisle about this when you get back."

It took us a hell of a lot longer to get home since towing the Volvo behind slowed us down considerably. Carlisle heard us when we came in. He was in the kitchen on the ground floor and he poked his head out when we passed by.

"Boys?" The minute he looked at me I saw the blood drain from his face. "What the hell happened to you Edward?"

"I'm ok dad," I tried reassuring him because I knew I looked a lot worse than I probably was.

"Go straight to my office. The one with the bed," he ordered. "You too Emmett."

I told him the entire story. It was impossible to lie to him. He had a way of drawing the truth out of me without any effort. I could tell that he was upset, but he controlled it and focused mostly on tending to my shoulder.

"Edward," he sighed. "You are _never_ to drive under the influence of alcohol. You shouldn't even be drinking in the first place. This _won't_ happen again. Do you know that if a cop had found you, you could have been arrested? And your car would have been impounded. I don't know _how_ a patrol officer didn't find your car on the side there the whole time. You're seriously lucky."

I shrugged with my left shoulder. The cop thing never occurred to me.

"It's a miracle," Emmett droned sarcastically.

"I'm not happy about this Edward," Carlisle continued.

"It won't happen again," I reassured him. "You know I don't drink often. I was…I was fucked in the head. I'm sorry." Our eyes met briefly and he sighed.

"If it happens again, you're losing your car," he finished. "Your shoulder is dislocated and I think it's fractured. I can help you but it will hurt. Can you lift your arm at all?"

Emmett winced along with me as I raised my arm through immense difficulty.

"Why does my neck hurt so badly?" I asked once I put my arm back down.

"Because the nerves from your neck and back are connected to your shoulder, the muscles are strained and bruised. Some pain killers and antibiotics should help you. The soreness in your neck shouldn't last very long if you take the medication the way you're supposed to. I need to X-ray your shoulder to see the fracture. It can't be broken because you can move it. Does anywhere else hurt?"

"My right arm, back and neck."

He examined me with gentle hands but found no other injuries to record.

"You're just sore," he concluded. He unlocked a cabinet and threw me a bottle of painkillers.

"Take two every 6 hours," then he pointed to the wall. "Stand over there and face the wall."

"Emmett, you're gonna need to go outside now. Thanks." He rolled a piece of equipment out of a tall cupboard and positioned it behind me.

"Face the wall," he instructed when I turned around to look. I felt his hands on my shoulder after that. He braced the shoulder on top with one hand and held on to the top of my arm where my shoulder began with his other hand. I squeezed my eyes shut and locked my jaw in a flash of panic, knowing exactly what was about to happen.

"Take a deep breath," he said and I did. With one harsh and mindlessly painful snap, he shoved my shoulder back into its socket. It was quick but it was excruciating.

"_Fuuuuck_!" I screamed, and I swear, I almost blacked out from the pain. The relocation was by far, more fucked up than the actual dislocation. Though it actually seemed to help afterward. Once it was back in place, some of the pain subsided.

"Edward," Carlisle grumbled behind me and I knew he wanted to complain about my language, but he let it pass. Really though, a mere _'ouch'_ would not have done that pain any kind of justice.

"Are you ok," He asked when I had calmed down sufficiently.

I shoved a harsh breath out of my nostrils. "I'm still breathing."

"Don't move. I'm about to take the X-ray." I heard him leave the room a few seconds before a wheezing mechanical sound filled the room and then two bright flashes passed over everything.

He came in again.

"I didn't know you had an X-ray machine in the house," I turned to face him.

He busied himself with numerous little tasks and kept his eyes away from mine.

"After your mom and Marcus passed, I bought a lot of stuff to keep in the house," he answered, glancing at me briefly with a slightly arched eyebrow. "You can never be too careful."

I nodded in silence and studied his mood. He looked tired and his features were strained. He held the X-ray up to the light a few minutes later and confirmed that my shoulder was indeed fractured in two places and that they weren't very bad, but I'd need to wear a sling for a while.

"I'll get you the antibiotics tomorrow," he said calmly. "The pain killers should get you through the night."

"Thanks. And I'm sorry."

"Don't do it again Edward," he answered me. "I'm just glad you're home safe."

I retreated to my room after that, feeling despondent and insanely eager to chew on some glorious pain killers. My cell rang as soon as I closed the door behind me and I expected it would be Bella.

"Hey," I answered, leaning back against my bedroom door.

"Hi. I'm home," she said and though it was good to hear her voice, there was something strained and anxious about it.

"Good." I answered as I walked across the room to get the remote to close the blinds.

"What are you doing?" She asked and there it was again, that peculiar tinge in her voice. I tired to brush it off and chalk it up to the fact thatI was just nervous because I still hadn't told her about what had happened.

"I'm just here in my room getting ready to take a shower," I responded. It started feeling like we were _trying_ to talk to each other; nothing like what we were accustomed to.

"Are you tired?" She asked.

"Exhausted." I knew I had to tell her, but I just didn't know how to bridge the topic seeing that I had hid it from her earlier. It wasn't like I could hide a fucking fractured shoulder anyway.

"Ok," she sighed inconsolably. "I'll talk to you tomorrow then. Good night."

"Sweet dreams," I answered and waited to hear her disconnect on her end. I stared at the phone in my hand and flinched slightly as a pang pricked my shoulder. I needed a shower quickly and I needed to take the pain killers. I swallowed the two tablets then climbed into the bath. The hot water did a lot to assuage my shot nerves and wound up muscles and I stood under the water a lot longer than I usually would. My right arm was of no use to me at all, so I had to shower with one hand which proved to be a lot more challenging than one would think.

And of course, perpetual thoughts of Bella plagued me and the tone in her voice when she said good night was disconcerting. Ever since the night had started I couldn't get her out of my head, and now, even more so than that was the fact that I had this stupid thing looming over my head. I really hoped she wouldn't be angry with me for not telling her when she first called.

With much difficulty I managed to get myself semi dressed, with a pair of pajama pants on and a t-shirt with only my left arm through the arm hole. The pain killers started to work and I felt remotely calmer as I climbed into bed and reached for my cell.

She answered on the first ring.

"Can't sleep?" She asked, sounding a lot calmer than before.

"I think about you too much," I answered her with a sigh. "You're like a drug that I can't get out of my system."

She giggled softly and just like that, we were back.

"Well that makes two of us then," she answered. "And I hardly think you're capable of thinking about me as much as I think about you."

"You have no idea," I smiled. "Bella? Promise you won't panic if I tell you something."

Silence.

"Promise me," I reiterated.

"I promise," she came back hesitantly.

"I got a little more wasted than I intended to tonight and …well I went for a drive. I got sick and had to pull over at the side of the road to and ended up falling over the side of a very small, minor…insignificant little…_cliff_."

"A _cliff?_!" She shrieked.

"That's called panicking," I breathed and I heard her huff in frustration. I continued.

"Well maybe it wasn't exactly a cliff…but it was definitely a drop in the ground…which I fell over."

"Edward," she gasped softly and I heard the concern in her voice.

"So anyway. I smashed into a tree and hurt my shoulder, but I'm fine now."

She didn't respond to that and the silence went on a little too long, making me wonder if she was still there and how come she had nothing to say. It wasn't what I had expected.

"Bella?"

"I'm here," she answered. "What's the damage like?"

"It's fractured."

She paused again, though not as long as before and I had to shake my legs on the bed to keep my mind focused on something other than the worry in her voice. At least it was still soft and sufficiently coated with all that raspy goodness that I liked.

"When I called you earlier tonight..." she began, and I knew where she was going with that.

"Yes," I cut in. "It had just happened and I'm sorry I didn't tell you then, but I didn't want you to panic. You worry so much and I wanted to make sure that I was safe first, before telling you."

"It's fine," she sighed. "I'm not mad. Where'd it happen?"

I told her the story, careful to omit the reasons for being out there in the first place.

"Where were you going?"

"Nowhere," I sighed. "I just needed to drive. I do that sometimes."

"Oh. I remember you told me that. Does it hurt?"

"Not right now. It's uncomfortable and kind of numb, but the painkillers are helping. Carlisle is getting me some medication in the morning. I should be back to normal in about two weeks."

"A fractured shoulder heels in only two weeks?"

"I don't know, but the soreness should surely be gone by then. Maybe the fractures aren't that bad. He said two weeks."

"Edward?"

"Bella."

"Please don't drink like that," she pleaded. "You know about Charlie and it's not like…."

"Hold up," I interrupted her, horrified at the category I'd just been dumped in. There was no way I was going to let her pair me off with _him_ in her head. "It's really not anywhere_ near_ that kind of abuse. It's the second time that I've ever been drunk and I don't even like to drink. So…_nooooo_."

"Ok," she answered. "But you understand why it would freak me out a little right?"

"I do," I answered, needing to regain her confidence in me. "It's not a big deal I promise you."

"Maybe you should sleep. You've had a rough night. I'll come over in the morning."

"I may have to go to the hospital with Carlisle," I answered. "Come over afterwards?"

"Sure. Goodnight Edward. I uh…well, goodnight." And then she was gone.

I felt myself relax under the spell of the pills and with the shed burden of telling her what had happened. I sighed and stared up at the ceiling.

What a long fucking night.

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**BPOV**

I knew it, even before he admitted it. I knew that he was hurt and that he was keeping it from me. My own body had been riddled with the evidence ever since shortly before 9 pm that night. It was dead on and it was accurate and my body never lied.

It happened pretty similarly to the way it would with Charlie, except for the white light. I was sitting at our table at the architectural banquet that Esme's firm had hosted. The speeches were long done and we were just finishing up with dinner when the first sense of anxiety hit me. His face shot through my head and I looked up into the thin space, startled. The white light stunned me at first and it took me a few moments to realize what was happening.

I excused myself quickly and rushed to the ladies room. Before I even made it safely behind the doors, an excruciating pain blindsided me from the right and knocked me straight to the floor. Though in hind sight the reality of what I did next was kind of gross, I dragged myself across the floor into a stall and managed to lock the door behind me. Bending my body into a fetal position was the only thing that helped and I had to hold my breath for a God awful long time before the pain localized to one spot and I could pin point it. It was my right shoulder.

His white light glared frighteningly in my head whenever I closed my eyes so I forced them open because the newness of it made me feel threatened. It was easier to face off with when my eyes were open. I heard footsteps and conversation as women came in and out of the restroom and I praised myself silently for having crawled into a stall when I did. I literally had to bite down on my lower lip to keep the screaming sounds of pain from escaping, to the point where I even drew blood.

And of course, the next natural thing was to panic about Edward because wherever he was, something had gone wrong and he was in pain. My cell was in my purse on the table, so as long as I was buckled over in wrenching pain in the restroom, I couldn't call him. I forced air in and out of my mouth and sure enough, beads of sweat started popping out all over my forehead. My body heat rose and I had to rock myself harder in an attempt to absorb the pain.

But instead of getting better and subsiding, it got worse and in no time at all, my entire arm was heavy and limp from the throbbing and the lancing had travelled across the back of my both shoulders and into my neck.

"What the hell is it?" I gritted out through clenched teeth. "Ugh!" And no matter how hard I tried to keep my eyes opened, I always ended up wincing so hard that I squeezed them shut, much to the delight of the oncoming white glare on the inside.

I wanted to cry out so badly, but that would have drawn attention and how the hell would I explain it to Esme? She already had enough trouble accepting what happened with Charlie, so adding Edward to that equation was definitely not a swell idea. And if I couldn't tell her that it was Edward, she would naturally assume that it was Charlie, hence leading to an unwanted host of problems that night, all of which I was neither prepared for nor in the mood to deal with.

It had to be kept a secret. So far I was lucky in that I was able to hide it, especially from Edward. I imagined him freaking out on me like he _should _have done when I told him about Charlie the first time; and what if he thought he should separate himself from me like Charlie did, in an attempt to break the bond? In attempt to…protect me from it. Yet another thing I was not prepared to deal with and obsessing about it on the restroom floor was only making the situation worse.

A long ten minutes later, I was able to control the pace of my heart beat with slow, controlled breaths and then eventually the pain turned into numbness. I pushed myself off the ground and opened the door.

So far so good. There was no one around.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked normal enough, no signs of undue stress or trauma except for the flushness in my cheeks. I dabbed at my face with a paper towel and then flexed my arm slightly while staring at it in the mirror. It still hurt and it felt awfully heavy, but the excruciating pain factor had ceased for the most part. I went out in search of my handbag so that I call Edward to see if he was ok, all the while warning myself dubiously that I'd have to make the call sound normal enough, so that he wouldn't suspect that I knew he was in trouble.

"Bella!" Esme found me with apparent wild relief and laughingly pulled me toward her. "Say hello to Dr. Black."

I looked up into the olive skinned face of the therapist I had visited two weeks ago and smiled at him faintly. He was charming in his black suit and long hair neatly tied at the nape of his head.

"Bella," Jacob smiled charismatically. "It's good to see you. How are you?"

"I'm fine," I uttered in my best attempt at pleasantry, but I was jittery with rampant anxiety for Edward and I needed to talk to him asap. "How come you're at an architectural event?"

"Some very close friends of my dad and mine from the Reservation work with your mom. There were two extra invitations hanging around and they came sailing our way. Also," he said, pointing to a man in a wheel chair a little distance away from us. The man looked like an older version of Jacob with brown skin and a long graying pony tail with eyes that looked like they'd seen centuries of generations come and go. I knew from just looking at him that he'd have tons of stories to tell. "That's my dad. He's a small investor in the firm and I think he's trying to get me to invest as well. Though I may not have too much to invest just yet."

"Oh," I answered, feigning interest in the conversation with Esme positively beaming at us as we spoke. But there wasn't much more I could offer and the nagging anxiety for Edward preoccupied me.

"Mom," I turned to her with a hand to my stomach. "I think I ate something that made me sick."

She frowned. "Oh no, honey. Does your stomach hurt? What did you eat?"

"It hurts just a little," I looked apologetic and the fact that she saw me careening out of the ladies' was evidence enough of my plea. "I'm sorry, but I think I need some fresh air. I think it would help. I'll be back."

"I'll come with you," Jacob offered.

"Please no," I tried my best smile then tried to retract because of my hasty rejection. "I'm sorry. I mean no thank you. I think it'd be a better idea if I were alone. Just in case you know…" And I stuck my finger into my mouth.

"Then why don't you go back to the ladies'?" Esme asked in concern.

"I actually want the air. I'm kind of craving it. I'll be back in before you know it. It was nice seeing you again Dr. Black."

"Jacob," he corrected me and I smiled in consent. I dashed to the table then and grabbed my purse before escaping through the entrance. Alice was busy chatting away and being the life of the party somewhere on the other side. I dialed his number frantically and tried really hard to control the shaking in my voice. What if he didn't answer? What if he was in trouble and nobody knew?

"Edward," I gasped, the moment the call was accepted.

"Bella," he responded and I almost cried tears of joy when I heard his voice. He sounded kind of normal actually and for a second, I doubted the empathic synergy that I thought had happened.

"Um…." I couldn't come right out with it, or else he would know, so I tried to make the phone call seem like it was spur of the moment. "How are you?"

"I'm ok. How was your night?" He said.

_What?! How was my night? _I knew right then and there that I wasn't delusional, because surely my shoulder still hurt and his gap was still very present in my head so I _knew_ that he was hurt.

"It was fine," I answered him, a little more than merely confused. "What did you do tonight?"

"I hung out with the boys and with _Rosalie_."

So he wasn't alone?

"Are you still there with them?" I knew I started to sound nosy, but he was definitely hiding something and thankfully he laughed a bit…though it was hollow.

"Bella, why do you sound so wound up? Do you think I'm being naughty?"

He had a knack for throwing me off course easily, but that night I was dead on and focused on trying to get him to tell me what was going on.

"No, of course not. I was just wondering where you were. I'm bored at this thing and I thought about you."

"So you're not home yet?"

"No."

"Where's your mom and Alice?"

Why the hell was he asking me all these unimportant questions? He was definitely stalling. He was in pain somewhere and he wasn't saying anything about it. And it wasn't any stupid kind of knick like he stubbed his goddamned toe or something…it was real _pain. _ And if it hurt so bad to me, it had to be worse for him because mine would only have been just an impression. But of course, that was a guess.

"They're inside mingling with Esme's work colleagues. I came out for some air," I answered, fighting against the urge to blurt it out at him.

_Your gap is in my head and I just felt the most excruciating blow to my shoulder, and by the way it's your pain I'm feeling, not mine, so be out with it already and just tell me what happened to you._

Right…

"Are you ok? You sound like something's wrong." He asked.

"I'm ok." And suddenly the focus was placed on me.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Will you call me when you get home?" He was trying to say goodbye so I let him go. Forcing him to tell me when he clearly didn't want to would only upset him.

"Sure. Will you be home?"

"I missed you tonight. I can't wait till you call me later. I'd rather talk to you then. I don't like you outside alone. You should go back in"

And that was the most transparent attempt at trying to change the topic. But at least he gave me some hope when he said that he'd rather talk to me later, so I held on to that and forced myself to let go of it…at least for the while.

"Ok I'll call you when I get home."

"Bye."

-----------------------------------

So when he finally confessed later that night that he was in fact hurt, I wasn't surprised, even though I probably should have acted a little more surprised about it instead of just going all mute and all. I didn't even get angry. I was just relieved that he was able to tell me and even more so that it turned out to be a fractured shoulder and nothing more serious.

I stared up at the ceiling over my bed for a while, a little bit numb as the lancing and throbbing had finally started to leave me, fading away with his virtual gap. It was more than daunting that I had managed to get myself connected to Edward in such a self consuming way. I couldn't say that I liked it. It wasn't the same as being connected to Charlie. With Charlie, I needed it. It gave me a way to hold on to him especially because of the geographical distance between us. And I had a God given, biological right to _want_ to hold on to him.

But there was no similar comfort in my attachment to Edward. In fact, I was terrified of it. There was no way I could expect him to accept something of that nature, because apart from my love for him, there was nothing that tied _him_ to me.

And then I had to figure that if my own father couldn't come to terms with it, who was I to expect Edward to? Imagine having to worry about someone else's well being 24/7 because their body was linked to yours? That you couldn't throw caution to wind and just…live, because any and everything you did or affected upon yourself had a direct effect on someone else? It was burdensome I knew, and the last thing I wanted to be to Edward was a burden.

I grabbed a pillow and smothered my face with it, tortured by everything, tortured by thinking, tortured by worrying, tortured by perpetual anxiety, tortured by my life.

"_Sleep!_" I commanded myself, screeching into the pillow.

When sleep wouldn't come, I opened the draw of my bedside table and pulled out my disk man. I plugged the headphones into my ears and played the CD he made for me with my song on it. My song with no name.

So far I had two major secrets from him and theoretically speaking, it was probably the wrong foot to start of a relationship on. He didn't know about our connection and he most certainly didn't know that I loved him already.

Goddamn it. Yet another thing to make him run. I should have warned him about getting involved with a black hole like myself. The gravitational force that pulled him to me could also be the very thing to suck the good life out of him and trap him...for good. Because just like Charlie, he could run, but he wouldn't be able to escape the connection that my mind could incite from him, forever.

But at least he never had to know about it, and that way he could be free.


	26. Chapter 26 Where it hurts the most

**Chapter 26 - Where it hurts the most**

I woke up on Saturday morning, not as rested as I would have liked to be. I called Edward to find out the time he'd be home from the hospital and he asked me to come by his house at 10 am. I ate breakfast lazily, but had no real appetite and soon after Alice bounced into the kitchen all dressed and ready to go somewhere.

"I heard about your boy," she said to me as she rummaged through the cupboards for God only knew what because she never actually took anything out of any of them.

I acknowledged her silently with a nod, looking forward to 10am so that I could see him.

"Rose told me about it," she continued. "He's ok though right?"

"He says so," I replied. "He's at the hospital right now with Carlisle."

"Jazz and I are going over to the estate for a little while before we head out to Port Angeles."

"I actually need a ride over there at 10, if it's ok."

"You can take the car. Jasper is swinging by for me. He feels so awful about what happened between Edward and him last night. He feels partly responsible."

I raised my eyes to hers in sudden interest.

"What happened between them last night?"

"Oh," she frowned and turned back to the cupboards. "I thought you knew."

I stared at her back intensely, slightly irritated by the fact that she would always know more than I did about everything, even when it pertained to me.

"No, so tell me," I said to her.

"Last night Jazz told Edward that he was in love with me and apparently Edward got upset and hot headed about it and stormed off."

"That's it?" I smirked.

"Pretty much. He said that he called him out about getting angry whenever he had trouble dealing with stuff, bla bla bla. Though he was kind of confused as to why Edward would get so upset with him for confessing his own feelings. He said it was odd but he felt bad because he was one that started the conversation about girlfriends. Plus Edward was kind if wasted so.."

"I know that part," I grumbled, picking at my finger nails.

"I told Jazz to stop worrying about something he couldn't control. He's all upset with himself because he thinks he should have tried to stop Edward because he knew he was drunk. Whatever."

She rolled her eyes at me, not even trying to conceal her contempt for Edward. It was all very vague and confusing. Why would Edward get upset with Japser for telling him how he felt about Alice? I had to agree that it was peculiar, though I figured that there had to be more to it than just that. Edward was an intense person and his feelings and reasons for his behavior usually ran very deep.

"When are you leaving?" I asked Alice.

"Jasper's about five minutes away," she said stretching up to the top shelf of a cupboard for something I couldn't see.

"What the hell are you looking for so anyway?"

"The stupid portable coffee mug. Jazz asked me to bring him some coffee 'cause he doesn't have any at his house," she turned to me and blew some hair off her forehead. "He's nursing a hang over himself."

I went to the dishwasher and found it.

"Here," I handed it over to her. "Esme takes it to work."

"Thanks."

"Hey, let me just change real quick and I'll follow you guys over there?"

"Hurry."

I couldn't have been more solemn as I showered and got ready. Even though I was happy that I was going to see Edward, the culminated events of the night before were still a bit overwhelming to ignore. I washed my hair quickly because I hadn't all week and pulled on some long cotton slacks, a camisole and a hooded sweater. I didn't have time to dry my hair, so I bundled it all under the thick hood and headed for the front door with Alice.

I was thankful that she let me have the car because I doubted that Edward could drive with his fractured shoulder and I'd most likely need a way of getting myself back home. I followed Jasper's car up the long scenic, bending path through the beginning of the Cullen estate and I found that he was easy to follow seeing that he didn't drive nearly as fast as Edward did.

A slight case of nerves gripped me at the possibility of needing to mask any discomfort from his injury in his presence. So far for the day there was no gap or pain from him, but if that changed during my visit I would undoubtedly feel it too and it would be tough trying to conceal it right in front of him.

When we pulled up to the house I saw his car parked in the open garage, but I knew he wasn't home because he had gone to the hospital with Carlisle and Carlisle wouldn't let him drive. Emmett opened the front door for us within seconds of our arrival and welcomed us smilingly.

"Bellalita," he grinned at me and patted me on my head. Sometimes I just wanted to give him a great big bear hug and maybe one day if Rosalie had pissed me off enough, I just might have. Not that she would even care. It seemed that nobody or nothing got a real rise out of her but Edward.

I followed them into the theatre and looked around in awe. It occurred to me then that Edward had never given me a tour of the great mansion. So far I'd only been in the library and seen the kitchen and the dining room in passing. The theatre was expansive and there were seven long rows of mauve cushioned seats lined up in front of a sinfully large screen.

"Alice come see this," Rosalie called out to Alice when we walked in. She raised a stiff hand to me in acknowledgement but didn't invite me to take a peek at whatever it was that was so interesting on her Blackberry. I wondered briefly about what Alice thought of Rosalie's cool disposition toward me as she had never mentioned anything about it. But then again, we rarely spoke about Rosalie….thank goodness. Jasper approached me when it was apparent that I was the odd man out, awkwardly shifting about on the outskirts.

"Hey," he smiled.

"Hi Jazz," I smiled back, warmed by his gentleness and it was evident by the look in his eyes that he felt he needed to apologize for something.

"Edward's on his way back already," he shoved his hands in his pockets and glanced at his feet. "About last night…."

"Jasper," I scoffed. "Alice already told me everything." Then I shook my head and shoved him gently on his shoulder. "Why are you worried? Forget it. It's not me that's injured anyway." And I smiled when I heard myself say it. He had no idea how important that statement was. "I'm sure Edward's ok and I honestly doubt that he blames you for any of it."

Emmett came over next and sat on the back of one of the cushioned chairs.

"The girls are ready. You coming?" He asked me. I knew he asked out of politeness, but it was obvious that I wouldn't leave with them with Edward almost home. He was the reason I was over there in the first place and there was nothing more appealing to me than the notion of pining and fussing all over him when he got back.

"No, but thanks. How does he look?"

"It's not that bad," Emmett answered. "Though he's in the crabbiest mood. If you want you can wait for him in his room. The rest of us are heading out now and Carlisle stayed back at the hospital to work. He got one of the guards to drive Edward back."

I raised my eyebrows incredulously and gaped at him. "His bedroom?"

"That's what I said," he winked.

"But….."

"It's ok Bellalita," he laughed. "I won't tell."

"But I don't even know where it is."

The look of amusement on his face was entirely embarrassing as he gave me directions on how to find Edward's bedroom.

"It's on the third floor. Turn right when you get to the top of the stairs and go down the hall, it bends left. Go straight to the very end. His door is the last one facing the corridor."

I nodded and pinned my lips together. "Thanks."

After saying my goodbyes to Alice, I made my way up the first flight of stairs and looked in the direction of the library, tempted by the lure of the books within, but I turned and made my way through the halls toward the second flight of stairs, wondering what inspired the design to separate each flight of stairs from the other. Usually stairs were a continuous flow of steps regardless of how many floors there were. The walls were lined with art bordered by large, heavy looking frames; dark wooden panels and antique looking copper candle holders. Each candle holder held a single broad based, burnt orange candle lending the corridors an ancient, medieval aura. I got the distinct feeling that the design of the place was intentionally preserved from past Cullen generations.

I heard the sound of very light footsteps behind me then and when I turned around I saw one of the housekeepers nod and duck into one of the rooms, almost apologetically. The night of our fight when I ran out of the house, I had almost bumped into the same one just outside of the kitchen.

The third floor was remarkably different to the second and I could tell that more work had been done up there to give it a somewhat more modern, contemporary feel. It was brighter, less cluttered with antiques and artwork and the carpet was noticeably thicker. Not a single sound registered and by the time I turned the bend along the corridor Emmett had explained, I found myself almost anxious and spooked by the eeriness of the large, empty house that I ran through the corridor toward the closed door that faced me.

It turned out to be quite the distance to cover with at least five or six closed doors on either side of the corridor before his. I was seriously getting the creeps by then and when I made it to the door that I assumed was his, I hurried in, pushed it shut and pressed my back up against it.

I relaxed minutely the moment I was on the inside, especially since the scent of him rushed toward me and thwarted any doubt that I may have been in the wrong place. And with everything my eyes fell on, it became clearer and clearer that I had found the right room.

I saw his guitar on the couch of a three piece suite in the corner, a music stand with an open book of musical notes, a keyboard which was connected to strange looking piece of equipment that I couldn't figure out, a mike stand with no mike, and a state of the art entertainment center. There were scattered sheets of paper everywhere, on floor near the large four post bed, on the various pieces of the suite, on his high chest of drawers and on his desk. There was a laptop on his desk and next to his desk was a book shelf with books and CDs, kind of like mine. I noticed a pair of his sneakers on the floor next to his bed and I recognized them as the pair he sometimes wore to school. The doors to his walk in closet were open and I widened my eyes slightly at the vast space on the inside though I stayed clear of it, not wanting to invade too much of his space in his absence. He had his own bathroom which I peeked into, but again, did not enter. The biggest impression however was made by his smell that hung onto everything and like I knew even before, anything that contained him, smelled like him and it made my heart flutter.

The carpet was so plush and regal looking that my shoes suddenly felt unworthy, so I kicked them off, put them neatly against the wall by the door and tucked my socks inside. I took off my sweater next and dropped it right there on the floor.

My eyes went to the heavy blinds next. They were a deep brown, prohibiting the possibility of any smidgen of natural light from entering the room; which I figured was intentional - unlike the ones in my room which were embarrassingly thin in order to facilitate the poor lighting capacity of the Fork's sky. It was then I noticed the beautiful light fixtures above head; multiple, round fluorescent lights all framed and embedded in the ceiling itself; and they were left on.

I made my way over to the blinds and found some chords at one end behind it. Without much effort, I opened them and gasped in wonder at the sight that unfolded before me. The view of the forest and mountains that spread as far as my eyes could see was immaculate. But more than that was the fact the entire wall from ceiling to floor behind his curtains was made entirely of reinforced glass, making it a gigantic and slightly overwhelming window.

"Jesus," I gasped, touching my lips. I found the door easily as the handle was the only thing that broke the plane of solid glass from one end of the room to the next. I turned the latch and opened it out onto the balcony in awe. The air on the outside was frigid but well worth the wonderment of the sprawling view that drew me out. However, the fact that I was barefooted made for serious discomfort and I tip toed backward into the warmth of his room after only a few seconds on the outside.

"I see you've found my room," his velvety voice cut through my reverie and I spun around with a surprised yelp.

I almost laughed in excitement at the sight of him. His right arm was in a sling and he dropped a small bag onto his high chest after kicking the door closed behind him.

"You brought the chill in," he said, pointing to the open door out to the balcony. I shivered slightly then and pulled the door closed.

"You have a very nice room," I said to his approaching form, unable to avert my eyes from the sling. I all but stopped breathing when he put his good arm around me and pulled me against him for a hug. "And the view is spectacular."

"I feel like I haven't seen you in ages," he said against the top of my head, and I knew exactly how he felt.

"I'm here now," I responded, raising my face to see him. "How's your arm? Can I do anything to help."

He kissed my forehead gingerly and walked over to his bed.

"Nope. All I can do is medicate myself, which I've already done for the day so far."

He walked over to his bed and sat on the edge, using his feet to pull his shoes off.

"How come you're barefooted?" He asked.

"Yeah, your carpet has serious snob appeal."

"Ha," he smiled lazily. "Get over here."

He pulled me between his knees to kiss me on my lips and I literally melted against him. I felt his right arm bundled in the sling between us so I tried not to press up against him too hard, though I doubted that he would have stopped me.

"Let me help you get up," I offered as he pushed himself backward on his left hand. I climbed up alongside him and helped him to settle against some stacked pillows.

"I need more pillows." I said to him and I puffed at the ones behind him.

"In the closet."

So I got a reason to go in. And just like I had expected, it was a sight to behold, though not like anything I ever thought a boy would be interested in, even a man boy like himself. I had to admit that it was appealing, even to me who was usually put off by anything elaborate.

"Don't ever let Alice see your closet," I called out to him from the inside as I pulled down two pillows from a shelf. "She would go into instant depression if she saw it. She's been asking for a walk in closet since she was like…five or something."

I stacked the both pillows one on top of the other and propped his right elbow with it.

"That's what the sling is for sweetheart," he smiled down at the prop I made for him. "But thank you anyway." I blushed slightly at his term of endearment and crept down to the foot of his bed where I folded my legs underneath me and faced him.

"Have you washed all your things in your cologne or something?" I asked him and he frowned at me questioningly.

"Everything in here smells like you. Everything."

He smiled and rested his head back with his fingers in his hair.

"How do you feel?" I paid keen attention to his body language, trying to decipher any signs of discomfort or pain.

"I'm better now," He smiled at me with disconcerting smolder in his eyes. "Why are you all the way down there when I'm up here?" Then he patted a spot next to him on the left.

I drank in his features with my eyes. There _is_ such a thing as being so beautiful that it hurts, and he was my living proof; because surely it hurt to look at him sometimes. His face was immaculately pretty. So much so that it embarrassed me and the average card I should have had stuffed in a pocket on me somewhere.

I shuffled over to him on my knees and snuggled up under his left arm.

"Jasper feels guilty," I mentioned once I was comfortably pressed to his side.

"About what?"

"He told Alice that you got upset with him when he told you that he was in love with her and that he should have stopped you when you were leaving because he knew you were drunk."

He raised his arm from around me and ran his fingers through his hair three times in succession.

"First of all, the word drunk is an exaggeration even though I myself used it. I remember everything that happened perfectly. And secondly, Jasper talks too much." He said it with a tinge of iciness in his voice, which surprised me.

"Well in any event he feels partially responsible for your accident. He said that you stormed away because of him?"

"Oh please," he huffed, keeping his hand in his hair. "Jasper by himself couldn't drive me to do anything."

"So then," I ventured warily. "Was there another reason why you stormed away from him?"

"No, I told you. I just needed to drive," he sighed. "I do it all the time and I'd hardly say that I _stormed _off. Fuck. What's the big deal?"

His sudden and drastic change in mood made me nervous. He got easily defensive about the topic and the last thing I wanted to do was upset him especially after everything he'd been through, so I backed off.

"Don't be mad," I said softly as my eyes went to his right arm bent against his torso. He shifted on the bed and I noticed the way his left arm never came back down around me.

"Are you comfortable?" I asked because of his shifting.

"Yes," he was brief. "Please don't fuss."

I frowned at his insolence and the way it stung.

"Geez," I sat up straight and away from him. "Emmett was right. You _are_ in a crabby mood."

I turned my head to see his face but his eyes were closed and his expression was distorted in frustration.

"Can we change the topic please?" He asked rather exasperatedly.

"Fine."

"I have to go to the bathroom." He said, then pushed himself to the opposite end of the bed and swung his legs over the side, but when he stood, he pulled his body up way too quickly and winced in pain when his right arm bobbed in the sling.

Thank God his back was turned to me because I felt she sharp needles prick at my shoulder immediately and instinctively I grabbed for it with my left hand in order to absorb the pain. As soon as I reacted, I checked myself and dropped my hand into my lap, settling for clenching my jaw instead.

The sensation was brief and when it was gone, he glanced at me over his shoulder and walked away toward his bathroom, closing the door behind him.

_This is going to be just as hard as you expected it to be, _I thought to myself miserably.

The human reaction to physical discomfort is instinctive and innate. If a bright light attacks your eyes, you squint. If there is a loud noise, you cover your ears. If something smells, you turn up your nose. And if something hurts, before you can think twice, you wince or you grab the spot in an attempt to contain the pain.

So how the hell was I going to pull this off without getting caught?! So far I'd been lucky, but luck was sure to run out, especially since I was not known for my amity with it.

He was back before I knew it and I observed him quietly as he made his way back over to the bed and managed to get himself back to his original position. I wanted to help him, but I dared not try.

"Can we start again?" He asked in a rueful tone when he was back. I turned my body around to face his and pulled my knees up to my chest.

"I'm sorry I upset you," I said. "You're expected to be in a bad mood after what happened."

"Forget about it, don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. And whether or not I'm entitled to a rotten mood doesn't give me the right to take it out on you. I brought this all on myself anyway. I'm sorry."

I nodded sheepishly but then much to my unexpected horror, the pain came shooting back into my shoulder and my insides froze in silent alarm on account of the hot, searing lancing, and his gap that started to form in my head. I saw it in his face. He clenched his teeth as well as his both fists in retaliation and I could tell that he was trying to macho it out.

In a nervous bout of self conscious energy, I began shuffling backward down to the foot of the bed in the hope that the distraction of movement would take my mind off of reacting to the sensation. But he opened his legs and pushed his left leg out behind me in order to block my path.

"Where are you going? I like you better up here."

"I'm too clumsy," I exhaled, shaking my head and looking down at his shoulder, trying to ignore the throbbing. "I'm sure to hurt you if I sit so close."

"I don't care," he said, holding his left hand out to me. "Come back. Lie next to me."

And without a second thought I crept onto his lap, lowered my body against his left side and rested my head on his left shoulder, giving his right arm enough room to lie on his chest. He kissed the top of my head and wrapped his good arm snuggly around my shoulders and just like that, the pain started to desist.

"It's a damned good thing my arm is in this sling. My control wears thinner and thinner every time I get close to you like this."

And right then control was the very last thing I cared about, pressed to his side, engulfed by his scent, warmed by his body, on his freaking bed…..to hell with control, and if there was anyone that was sure to make use of one good hand, it would surely be him.

"You don't need both hands you know," I raised my head and turned my body into his, found his lips with mine and went after the failing command of his control. The distraction of our intertwined lips and entangled tongues did wonders for any inkling of discomfort that lingered behind, though his gap was still very present in my head. And apparently, it worked for him as well, because I felt his body relax as we deepened the kiss and his left hand started exploring all over my neck and back. I actually found myself liking the idea of his arm in the sling right then because that way it would be much harder for him to fight me off when his conscience decided to make an appearance.

I lifted myself over his midsection and ended up straddling him, and I smiled against his lips when I came down on his erection. He was exquisitely hard and the fact that his body could respond to me like that and so quickly was enough to haul me into immediate overdrive. I got eager and I pressed myself down on him suggestively and made him squirm in surprise.

"Bella," he laughed in between our kissing. "I don't think you want to do that."

"It's exactly what I want to do," I answered him and shut him up by pushing my tongue into his mouth again. I kissed my way down the side of his face to his neck where I found his quickened pulse with my mouth. I sucked on the spot feverishly and because he enjoyed it so much he inclined his hips languidly underneath me and incited my natural next reaction which was to move with his inclination and push down on him harder. He groaned softly and with that seal of approval I put my right hand in his hair and my left had under his t-shirt where I dug into the bare skin at his waist.

I came to find that inexperience had no reign over the natural impulses of the body in the face of sensuous upheaval; because even though I had never felt that kind of arousal before him and if verbally tested on the appropriate ways to respond to a man's desire I would surely have failed; the practical test was evidence enough that I was built just like all hot blooded women - and built specifically for him.

"Bella," he groaned in response to my shameless grinding on him and I knew that his conscience was rearing its logical head, which only meant that I would have to get more serious about it if I was to get enough of him before he made me stop once and for all.

"Bella….uh…" he groaned again. "Wait…uh, _fuck_…"

"Be quiet," I ordered and silenced him with my tongue again. And despite his attempts at nobility, his left hand still made its way down to my hip where he grabbed me excitedly and ground me harder against him.

With my mouth still on his in a mad clashing of tongues and teeth, I started unbuttoning his shirt, careful not to interfere with the right arm which he had managed to move over a bit to his side. When I had gotten through all the buttons, I opened his shirt and raised my head so that I could stare at his chest and graze my nails against it. I saw his chest rise up and down in rapid succession and I noticed with rapt pleasure that he had no chest hair and was well put together with just the right amount of lean muscle. My eyes continued to roam all the way down his V-shaped torso to the top of his pants where the rest of him disappeared.

"You're sinfully beautiful," I said to him unconsciously and when I realized that I had said it out loud, I bent over and buried my face into his neck. He cradled the back of my head and turned his face down toward mine, then turned my face toward his and brought our lips together again.

His kiss did something emotional to me which translated itself into a physical moistness between my legs and all of a sudden I was overtaken by a savage lust for him and I grabbed his pants button, opened it, yanked the zipper down and pushed my hand into his pants where I found and pulled out the source of his weakness with urgent, groping fingers.

"Shit," he gasped against my mouth. "What are you trying to do to me?!"

I ignored his plea and started massaging and pumping him with my hand, and despite the masochistic look of torture on his face, he bent his head back against the pillows and closed his eyes in erotic surrender.

We easily found a rhythm with each other and between his ragged hip movements and my stroking, I knew that I had him right where I wanted him. Somehow, in the midst of it all, the point of his physical desire transferred to me in the same place and I ended up groaning and whimpering like he was, not expecting, but welcoming the sensation as it riveted and swelled inside of me.

"Bella," he panted with closed eyes as he pushed his left hand down into the front of my pants and made his way into my underwear where he too was triumphant in finding the moist evidence of my arousal. I gasped when I felt his fingers, and at the immediate rush of concentrated pleasure that he incited right there.

"Bella we have to stop…" he cried out as my wrist movements got harder and faster, though everything he did with his body contradicted him blatantly.

"_Stop?_" I cried out breathlessly against him.

"_Fuck," _he grunted and shook his head. "No…don't stop. You're so fucking sexy."

And I _loved_ when he talked to me like that, all breathless and crude and raw. In the midst of all the excitement and rapid movement between us, I fell forward and shot my left hand out to brace myself and ended up connecting with his wounded shoulder. He cried out and of course so did I, though he would have assumed that my cry was in response to his busy fingers at work inside of my underwear. He never stopped, even though I felt his shoulder retaliate in pain and suddenly the pleasure of his touch was mixed with the whirring effects of his throbbing discomfort, all heightening the moment and every single physical sensation inside both our bodies. His gap was strong and his light bright and I searched his face for any signs of him wanting to stop, but all he did was rub his hip vehemently against my hand, demanding harder and quicker movements from my wrist. So I obeyed.

Not long after that I felt a powerful, stringent sensation rush down to my core and cripple my body in the most blinding spasm of ecstasy I had_ ever_ felt before. He cried out the same time I did and I felt his erection budge and twitch in my hand followed by a wet explosion that saturated the inside of his pants and filled the inside of my head with a shocking blast of light.

The moment it happened and because his entire body reacted to the explosion, he raised his right arm unconsciously in an attempt to brace our bodies when we crashed together in unison. The effect of that however was detrimental to his injury and our moment of rapture was clouded by the sharp bout of pain that shot out like a mocking traitor straight through our right shoulders.

I had to drop my head into the side of his neck and press my face to his skin in order to stifle my scream in reaction to his pain. I heard him stifle his too, inside of his mouth behind his clenched teeth. Again and as I had realized that day, the uttered sounds of pain and pleasure can easily be misconstrued as they sound very much like each other, so he was never alarmed by the way I cried out against him.

It took a while, but eventually, the effects of both the pain and the pleasure faded and it was only at that point did I roll off of him like a spent, limp ragdoll. I heard a soft gasp and when I looked at him, his eyes were wide and pinned to a spot on the ceiling above us.

"Huh?" Was all I could manage.

"Did you just…cum?" He asked, sounding amazed for some reason.

Frankly, it hadn't even occurred to me but his question triggered the realization that snapped me right back into full on consciousness. I raised myself into a seated position and looked about myself in astonishment. Sweet heaven on earth, I'd just had my first orgasm!

It was such a confusing, divine mixture of pleasure and pain and his gap and white light was everywhere. Even as I sat there thinking about it, I had no idea whether or not the orgasm was mine or perhaps…just maybe…it was his?

"I think so," I whispered, turning to look down at his face.

"Wow. Bella," he smiled up at me. "And I barely even touched you the way I wanted to, the way I would have, had I been using both hands."

He shifted his eyes back to the ceiling then and all too soon a shuttered look fell over his face and his expression changed.

"Fucking weak ass pain killers," he swore. He rested his left hand over his face then and sighed heavily. Somehow I just knew that the reason for his sudden change in mood went deeper than just his disappointment in the strength of his pain killers.

"What's the matter?" I asked him, but he didn't answer. He kept his hand over his eyes and didn't move. I watched him silently for a while, feeling all the nerves and anxiety from earlier slowly creep back into my disposition.

He sighed after his long pause and said, "We shouldn't have done that Bella."

That was the absolute last thing I wanted to hear from him right then. It was such an uninspiring kill joy and I found myself resenting his mood. I frowned down at his hidden face and pushed some of my hair out of my eyes, trying to hide the fact that I was hurt by his displeasure.

"But I wanted to," was my response.

"I know," he answered, moving his hand from his eyes. "And as much as I enjoyed it….we just can't let this get out of control. It's too fast."

"What? No," I tried to reason with him and I knew I sounded whiny. "What are you so afraid about?"

"I want to take things slow with you," he said shifting his stare back to the ceiling. "And so far, it's like…I feel out of control….like everything is just going so fast."

"I don't understand what you're talking about. We didn't do anything risky or abnormal for two people who are in a relationship."

"You don't realize the big step this is," he went on, hardening the line of his jaw. "You shouldn't be so eager to just jump into a physical relationship with me."

"But Edward," and much to my frustration, I wanted to cry. "It's you. I wouldn't feel this way about anybody else. I only want it because it's you."

"Exactly," he said, pushing himself up with his left hand.

"I don't understand."

"You're not _ready _for me yet Bella."

He didn't even realize how badly it hurt. It felt like rejection and it stung.

"I'm a virgin Edward," I lashed out. "Not a cold, stagnant, prude. I know what I want and I don't need you to tell me what I am and am not ready for."

He relaxed his eyes on me then and actually smiled a little.

"You don't even realize how special you are. The most beautiful part about you is your innocence and you're asking me to take that away. I know I'm a monster, but I won't do that to you."

My heart lurched. So what exactly did that mean? That he'd never touch me because he didn't want to take my virginity?

"You're guilty of exactly the same thing you accuse me of."

"And what's that Bella?"

"You not realizing how beautiful you are, and I don't mean physically. You're not a monster Edward. You are amazingly tender and talented and compassionate and _simple_……even with all of this," I swept my hand in the air in a gesture to the things in his room.

"And you're wounded," I continued. "You'll never be more beautiful to me than you are today because of the pain you've went through with your mother and brother."

His eyes flashed angrily across my face and I saw the internal battle he went through in his mind.

"My heart is black Bella," he swallowed and turned away. "And it's important that you know that. I loved them too much and losing them blackened my heart. I don't know how to love anymore. I don't think I'm capable of it. I can't risk it in any case, because if I ever lost like that again…."

He turned back over his left shoulder and stared at me with worried and loaded eyes as he tried to convey his message in the most subtle way he could find.

"Your heart is perfectly fine," I said defensively, realizing just then with a crushed heart that he was trying to tell me that he didn't love me and he never could. "It's your thoughts that are black and they are that way because you want them to be."

He buttoned his pants with his good hand and swung his legs over the side of the bed.

"Don't you love your father?" I asked him, trying to make a point to him.

"I do," he answered with his head bent. "But that love was there from before."

My crushed heart sunk to the deepest part of my stomach and I had to blink back the hot onslaught of determined tears. I turned my back to him on the opposite side of the bed and stared at the carpeted floor.

"I never asked for your love Edward," I said softly. "So you need not go out of your way to try to brace me for your lack of it where I am concerned."

I jumped off the side of the bed and went to my shoes and even though he was quiet I knew he was looking at me, because I felt his eyes. I tried to mentally deflect the touch, but it was no use. So long as I was focused on him and him on me, there would always be the irrevocable connection between us.

And thank God he would never know about it.

When I was done with my shoes, I stood and put on my sweater making sure that my wallet, keys and phone were in the pockets.

"Where are you going?" He asked in a dejected tone.

"Away from here," I retorted, keeping my head held low.

"You're upset."

_He had no idea._

"No," I shrugged and opened the door to leave. "I'm not upset, I'm disappointed. But I guess that's my lot in life and stupid me. I should know how to deal with that by now."

"Bella….."

"Don't forget to take your weak ass pain killers," and I hurried out, trying to slam the door behind me, except that the goddamned carpet was way too cushiony to allow it and despite the force I put behind that bad ass swing, the door only glided closed with a graceful and gentle click.

No matter, I ran down the hallway through the blur of my tears, down the top flight of stairs, through the wide corridor on the second floor and then down the last flight. Thank God I kept the car. At least_ that_ worked out in my favor.

I knew that I was in no harm of him trying to follow me, because there was no way he could drive with one arm in a sling. I uncharacteristically sped down the scenic path to this house, out on to the main road. When I pulled out of the estate I spotted a white car that was parked on the side of the road, pull out behind me and pace itself a good distance away. I didn't know the car, but then how would I. The only cars I knew belonged to the Cullens or to us. After apparently following me for a while, I saw the car turn off down a street behind me. I breathed a sigh of relief and tried to reorganize my thoughts.

"Since when are you paranoid?" I mumbled to myself.

I needed to find a place to clear my head and I didn't feel like going home. The only other place I knew that would be quiet and abandoned was the Oak. I knew it was intrusive, but he had said that I could go there whenever I wanted and right about then, I needed the peace of mind that only that place could have offered, so that's where I went.

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I pulled at the thick rope with the big knots that went right up the trunk into the tree and I wondered how high up it went. The air was crisp and chilly, the sky threatened to rain and the sound of the gurgling water from the lake below wasn't nearly as comforting as it was nostalgic. Gloomily, I started to consider that perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to go there after all since everything about the place reminded me of him. Not that it mattered either way, because anywhere I went, he would be there in my head. I sighed and pulled at the rope again, feeling the weight of a my frustration and misery settle over me.

This was exactly why I had tried to fight my feelings in the first place. I knew that there was a perfectly good reason for being conflicted about it in the beginning. I had known it all along but I ignored my inner voice, went against my instincts and now instead of dealing with unrequited _like_ – I was faced with the debacle of unrequited _love_.

And already, before he even knew that I loved him, he was trying to warn me about his inability to love me back.

I craned my neck back and peered up, bit into my bottom lip and pulled myself up to hold the rope between my knees. Without a graceful bone in my body and with much difficulty, I managed to haul myself up into the tree. I don't know_ how_ I didn't fall and break something in me.

But I made it and I was able to assuage a bit of my pride by being able to conquer _something _that belonged to him. Not a minute later something caught my eye down below that made me freeze in sheer panic. There was no mistaking the mass of bright, curly hair and the lithe sculpture that belonged to the one and only and disgustingly sexy….Victoria.

I grabbed my mouth in an attempt to stifle my perplexed gasp.

_What the hell was she doing there, _of all places_?_ She looked around as if in search for something, or someone - her posture in readiness for battle. I shifted uncomfortably on the branch because the hard and uneven surface had started eating at my butt. However, that was my first mistake, because my movement caused a couple of dry leaves to fall to the ground below right by her feet. She caught the movement and looked up and the smile that crept up her face then was even more bone chilling than the frigid Fork's air. She put her hands on her hips and nodded triumphantly, looking ever pleased with herself.

Her expression alone answered my previous question to myself. She was there because she was looking for me.


	27. Chapter 27 Catch me if you can

Here you go guys, happy reading ;) Thanks for all the comments on the last chappy. Leave me more :)

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**Chapter 27 - Catch me if you can**

"There you are," she cooed in her feline drawl. I gaped down at her like a wide eyed kitten of course, unsure of what to do, knowing immediately that it was her in that car that seemed to be waiting for me to leave the Cullen Estate . As far as I could see from where I sat in the tree, we were alone on the premises and even though I was thankful that I was high up and out of her reach, I cursed myself for running out on Edward the way I did and for getting myself in a situation that admittedly scared the sweet Jesus into me. There was no good intent in her eyes and even though I tried to be brave and feign toughness, I couldn't let her know how scared I really was.

"What do you want Victoria?" I demanded in my strongest voice. "You're not supposed to be here. This is private property."

She bent her head back and laughed, though to me it sounded more like a cackle and then she took a few steps closer to the trunk and took the rope in her hands. That's when my heart started hammering uncontrollably and I knew that whatever was about to happen next would end badly.

"Oh really," she rolled the rope between her two hands and looked up. "And why would I listen to anything you have to say to me…it's not like _you've_ listened to me. So I guess….tit for tat, hmm?"

I swallowed and looked around restlessly for a sign that someone was coming to rescue me from this crazy, demented teenager with the mind and wits of a seasoned villain from a bad horror flick.

"What do you want?" I repeated in a thin voice.

"I've already told you many times what I want. I'm tired of saying it. So now there's nothing left to do but to fulfill my promise to you."

"Is this about Edward and me?" I stared at her, shifting about nervously when I saw her tug at the rope to gage whether or not it was strong enough for her to dare.

"I'm going to assume that your question is rhetorical," she said. "And this angle is starting to hurt my neck. Are you going to come down from there or do I have to climb up after you?"

"You followed me here didn't you?" I swallowed.

"Another question but still no answer," she tossed her hair over her shoulders. "Guess we're going to have to do this the hard way."

It started unfolding before my eyes in slow motion and I couldn't believe that she actually started climbing the rope to come after me. I looked about me in a panic, searching the heights of tree to see how high I could go to get away from her.

_That's stupid_, I scolded myself. _And once you get to the top….then what?_ _Fly?_

The only next option was down. I tried to estimate the distance between my branch and the floor and the thought alone freaked me out. I would surely break a leg or twist something on contact with the floor if I'd decided to jump – it was dauntingly high.

So I decided to take my chances up in the tree and face off with her. What was the worst she could do right? And somehow, that question did nothing to comfort me.

She climbed up a hell of a lot more gracefully and skillfully than I had and then perched herself on the branch right next to me with a triumphant grin.

"That was fun," she giggled and to any unsuspecting person looking on at us, it would have looked like we were just two friends sitting next to each other in a tree.

A gust of wind blew through the chill and her sweet cinnamon rose scent came toward me mockingly. Again I found myself being ironically drawn to her allure more than the actual threat of her. She really was seriously bewitching – cinnamon roses and all.

"I have to do something about you Bella," she said, sounding a lot less amused than before. "I don't like being made a fool of in front of my friends and you've gone and made a fool out of me."

"When have I _ever_ make a fool of you?"

"I'm used to people being afraid of me and obeying me because of that. I told you to stay away from Edward and that I had my reasons for it, and what do you do? You ignore me for one, and the two of you walk around school like a chummy little freak show and now, everybody's looking at me like…._oooh_, weird new girl isn't afraid of Victoria. Weird new girl has a mind of her own. Weird new girl has put Victoria in her place. Weird new girl is apparently untouchable."

"I don't know what you want me to say….."

"It's too late for you to say anything," she interrupted me. "So don't even bother. I'm about to find out exactly how untouchable you are, and to show you that I. don't. bluff."

"You can't do anything to me," I croaked with wide eyes. Her features were grim and unsmiling and I realized then that I much preferred her coy little games as opposed to this serious, _I mean business_ kind of behavior.

"I'm not afraid of you," I lied. "You're beyond ridiculous."

"And you're annoyingly naive," she narrowed her eyes at me. I swallowed again and glanced down at the floor, feeling much higher up than I actually was, all of a sudden. I dipped into my sweater pocket and pulled out my cell in my panic, but she was quicker than me and she slapped it out of my hand as soon as I pulled it out. It went sailing down to the floor below and thank goodness for the bed of dried leaves because it cushioned the blow, so at least it appeared that I still had a phone. Though why I would even worry about that right then was remarkable.

"You're next," she said, and before her words could make sense, she grabbed me by my shoulder and shoved me roughly out of the tree.

I was so shocked by the suddenness of it that I couldn't even scream. I landed on my side and bounced almost, onto my chest and I think my head even clashed with a root. It hurt, but the adrenaline alone was enough to numb me for the while and thank God for the stacks of dried leaves underneath me. I scrambled to my feet in a crazed tizzy without so much as a glance upward and pelted toward the Porsche parked at the front.

And just like in the goddamned horror flicks, I fumbled in my panic like a blind fool with the keys in the ignition. By the time I saw her coming around the side of the warehouse, I'd thankfully gotten the car started and mashed down on the accelerator to swerve the car around most recklessly with squealing tires and everything. I almost went crashing into a white car parked on the other side of the road and I recognized it as the one that I'd seen earlier.

"Oh my _God_! She _was_ following me!" I screamed against the steering wheel. "She's a real life psychopath!!"

I raced down the street and turned left when I got to the corner. I had no idea where I was going, but I was going there fast, and even worse than my fast running was my fast driving. I could just see Edward's expression on account of my clumsiness behind the wheel.

She was right there in my rear view and even the car she drove looked evil with narrow lights that slanted upward, coming after me like the spawn of the antichrist.

"What the hell does she want to do!!" I screamed at myself, thoroughly panic stricken. I knew I couldn't go home because that would surely be a trap and I didn't want to go to Edward because of the way I left things and well because…maybe, my pride was a nasty monster that I wasn't yet ready to defeat.

The Porsche was too fast for me to control it properly. It accelerated too quickly and whenever I hit the brakes it jolted aggressively, making the tires squeal and draw a hideous amount of attention. I turned wherever I found a corner, keeping my eyes in my rear view whenever I could and sure enough she was behind me every step of the way. I ended up losing focus the one time I kept my eyes in the mirror too long and almost blindsided a mail box and a two pedestrians next to it.

"_Sorry!_" I squealed in panic, though they never heard it and when I swung back out into the lane I almost hit a car that was coming out of a side street. Horns blared and I heard a faint scream as we swerved away from each other. My scream however, was far from faint and I all but vomited all over myself in the midst of all the chaos.

"My _GOD!!!!_" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "Victoria!! You crazy bitch! You're going to get us killed!!!"

The sound of sirens blared from somewhere in the background then and I gaped about me with large panicked eyes trying to trace the direction it came from.

"Oh thank God!" I cried out in relief. "The police!"

I glanced in the rear view one more time to see Victoria hurriedly pull off the main route and turn down the corner that I had just almost collided with the car on. The traffic light before me turned red, so I mashed on the brakes and went head first into the steering wheel when the car jolted violently to a screeching halt.

The sirens became boisterous and suddenly the sound was everywhere and not long after, a squad car had sped up behind me. I dove out of the car frantically and ran toward them with flailing arms. The two officers jumped out of their car hurriedly when they saw me and the driver held out a baton in front of him as if he thought I was about to attack him or something.

"Help!" I cried out to him in a fit of tears. "She went down that way!" I screamed, pointing to the corner she had disappeared around.

"Don't come any closer. Stay right where you are and calm down," the police officer ordered.

"You're going to lose her if you don't go after her!" I yelled at him.

"Ma'am," he said, getting incensed and impatient. "If you don't calm down, I'm going to have to restrain you and ask questions later."

I shoved my hands into my hair and grabbed two mighty handfuls at my temples, staring at him like he was a deaf lunatic.

"Great!" I cried. "Why does it feel like _I'm _the one who's in trouble, when she's the crazy animal? She's getting away….lovely! And I get to be _questioned_!"

He shoved his baton back into its holster and signaled something to the second officer. I looked at them both with wild, teary eyes, completely stunned and pissed off with the realization that I wouldn't be getting the kind of help I thought I'd be getting from them.

"Officer Ateara there is just going to park your car on the side so that we don't create a jam. I'm officer Call. Embry Call."

I exhaled agitatedly and wiped at my face with the back of my hands, and much to my surprise, I found blood at the side of my head. I touched the hot spot with trembling fingers and frowned. And just to add to my humiliation, crowds of people started accumulating around the scene. I wrapped my arms around me and bent my head low, feeling every ounce of temper be conquered by my own proverbial embarrassment.

"Now that you're calm," Officer Call came closer. "We can get to the bottom of this with ease."

"I'm the victim," I snorted while looking down at his feet. "Not the perpetrator."

"Give me your license and registration," he ordered.

"It's in the car," I mumbled.

"Let's go get it," he said authoritatively, guiding me assertively by my elbow over to the parked Porsche. I crawled inside and went into the glove kit for the registration, then took my license out of my wallet and handed them both over to him glumly.

"Isabella Swan," he read out loud. "I'm sure you know why you're in trouble."

"It's Bella," I grunted. "And I can explain."

"Let's hear it."

"Someone was chasing me in a white car. I know my driving sucks and I that I was speeding, but I was running away from her," then I pointed to the corner and widened my eyes at him. "And now's she's Scott free because she escaped around there."

"The radio call said there were two cars, though it's only you I found."

"Well, that's what I was trying to tell you," I shot back, irritated. "There's a second car and she's who should be in trouble, not me. I'm the victim!"

"Hey Quil," he called to the second officer, hooked a finger in his belt and turned toward the street that I pointed to. "Write this down, South Blackberry off Calawah Way, toward Eastern Division."

"What kind of car was it?" He asked me then as he tossed my license over to Quil.

"A white one," I answered.

He raised his eyebrows at me, almost amused.

"Is there anything _else_ you can tell me about it? Perhaps the kind of car it was?"

"No," I retorted. "It was white. That's all I can tell you. Oh and the headlights look like evil eyes."

He shook his head. "Who was driving?"

"Victoria," and the rush of blood hit my head again. Finally he was asking the right questions. "She's a girl from school. She's hates me and she was chasing after me."

"Why was she chasing you?"

"Because she's crazy," I bit out. "She attacked me earlier and I managed to escape to my car, and of course she came after me."

"What's the fight about?"

I raised my eyebrows at him, then glanced at the Quil guy. I had to wipe at a warm trickle of blood that rolled down the side of my face.

"It's about my boyfriend," and it sounded just as juvenile as it was. I just knew my face went crimson red.

"Good heavens," he rolled his eyes dramatically. "Please don't tell me this is about a boy. Quil. It's a cat fight over a boy. Unbelievable! You almost killed people including yourselves because of some ridiculous High School drama."

I tightened my arms around my torso and looked down at my feet. I knew exactly how ridiculous it was, _thank you very much_, but I didn't choose the drama – it chose me.

"It's not exactly a fight _over_ him…it's complicated."

He got impatient again and shoved something into my face.

"Blow into this please," he ordered. I pulled my head back a little and stared at the little thing that looked like a white, plastic miniature toy gun with a straw sticking out of the front.

"It's a breath-a-lizer," Quil answered my unspoken question.

I frowned at it and pulled back some more.

"But I haven't been drinking," I complained.

"Do it," Officer Embry warned.

"Fine," I grabbed the thing from his hand and blew into the straw. It beeped three times and a digital reading came on to the little green screen, but before I could read it, he snatched it away from me and threw it to Quil.

"She's clean," Quil muttered, almost disappointed.

"I told you," I pouted and shifted my weight from one leg to the other.

"Do you know how much trouble you're in?" Officer Embry came back at me.

I sighed and looked at him pleadingly, abhorred by the idea of being arrested and hauled away to a ratty prison cell somewhere which would surely give Esme an anxiety attack…or worse, a heart attack; and then she'd die and she was way too young to die over something as crazy and ludicrous as this. I had to get out of it somehow.

"Look officer," I started. "I'm really sorry for speeding. I don't usually drive like that."

And the fact that I was defending my driving for the second time since moving to Forks was disconcerting.

"But I thought she was going to hurt me, which she would have if I didn't run. I panicked and people do things that are out of character when they're panicked…right?"

I pointed to my bleeding head next. "You see this blood? This is where she pushed me out of a gigantic tree just before the speeding car thing. I had to run away from her. She's mad. She's psycho…she's evil and she's always threatening me." Another uncharacteristic result of my panic was my babbling. I heard myself and I saw all those people looking on, but all I wanted was to make him understand and to possibly get myself off the hook.

He narrowed his eyes at me and glanced at my wounded head.

"Where can we find her for questioning?"

"I don't know where she lives, but she goes to my school, Forks' High."

"Give me her full name."

"Victoria…uh. That's all I know."

He sighed and passed his hand over his face, looking completely stressed out with me.

_Join the club asshole,_ I thought.

"How am I going to look into your story if you can't give me a proper name?"

"I can find out her surname for you if you like," and he nodded with annoyed eyes.

Then I remembered that I didn't have my cell on me anymore.

"I need to borrow your phone if you have one," I said in a small voice.

He twisted his mouth and his face dropped even more, but then he held his hand to Quil who seemed more like a side kick than an actual partner, and Quil handed him a cell phone. I took it from Officer Embry Call's hand and deflated myself with a deep sigh, hating the phone call that I had to make to get myself out of the trouble I was in. If I had just driven to his house in the first place, I wouldn't be in that mess; the spectacle of a live roadside show and two minutes away from being handcuffed and hauled into the back of a squad car – not to mention, the cause of my mother's impending death.

"Hello," he answered in a dark and bothered voice.

"It's me," I sighed in dejection.

"_Where the hell are you_?!" He squealed. His voice changed instantly into high pitched, charged anxiety. "I've been looking for you! You're not home and you're not at the Oak where by the way I found your abandoned cell phone….!! You have me_ fucking _freaked out! Where _are_ you Bella!"

"You're looking for me?" I frowned in awe. "But…how?"

"Ahem," the cop cleared his throat and tapped his boot on the sidewalk. I glanced at him with shifty eyes.

"This isn't your one phone call little lady," he grunted.

"Look Edward I'm kind of in a situation here, so I can't explain right now, but I need you to tell me Victoria's surname real quick…or perhaps, her address?"

"Victoria's _what!!_ Bella, where the fuck are you?!"

"I told you, I can't explain right now. I need her surname urgently."

"For what?"

"I. Will. Explain. _Laterrrr_."

Officer Embry lost his impatience entirely then and grabbed the phone away from me.

"This is officer Call," he said aristocratically into the phone and I buried my face into my hands, about to collapse from both shame and anxiety. "We have your friend, Ms. Swan, apprehended for reckless driving on Calawah Way. We need the name of one Ms. Victoria from Forks' High which I'm assuming you know or else Ms. Swan wouldn't have called you. Am I going to have to arrest her, or are you going to tell me what I want to know. And who am I speaking with by the way?"

He widened his eyes slightly a few seconds after, then frowned at me and glanced over at the sidekick. He listened for a while, nodded a lot, went through a series of _Mmmhmm's_ and _Oh's_, and then sighed. "Thanks for your help Mr. Cullen and please give my regards to your father." Then he hung up.

I stared at him anxiously, noticing the way his mood altered and the strange inflection in his tone when he said the name Cullen.

Apparently nobody in all of Forks was immune to the great Cullen name.

"What did he say?" I asked, but he only regarded me with an irritated expression and jotted something down on a clip board that Quil was holding.

"Ms. Swan," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm going to let you off with a very stern warning this time, seeing that there was no damage done, and then I'm going to look into this Victoria story of yours. But if you ask me, it's just a case of reckless teen driving which I'm not prepared to tolerate. You're also new to Forks and I'm going to take that into consideration, but don't let it happen again."

I nodded and took my license and registration from his hand.

"Or else, next time, I'm going to confiscate your license," he finished.

Both he and the sidekick reminded me of Dr. Jacob Black. They all had the same black shiny ponytail and olive toned skin. I was tempted to ask him if they knew each other, or maybe if they were related, but I knew it wasn't the best time, so I let it pass.

"Thank you," I said sheepishly. "I hope you _catch_ her."

"Get that bruise cleaned up," he pointed to my head and walked back to the squad car with Quil.

"Get back to whatever it was you people were doing!" Quil Ateara said to the crowd of onlookers and they scattered away slowly.

When I got back into the car I locked myself in and shuddered in privacy. I bent forward and pressed my head against the steering wheel, waiting for my nerves and anxiety to pass. I took a few deep breaths and shook my head against the wheel, still in shock over everything that had happened.

A loud knock against my windowa few minues later made me scream out and jump in surprise.

_Oh great_, I thought sarcastically as I stared into the green glare of Hulk himself. _More scolding._

I didn't even bother to turn my window down, I just opened the locks and climbed over into the passenger seat, prepared to flinch under the scorching, hellish fire in his eyes.

He brought the sweet, overpowering scent of him into the car and slammed the door shut. Before I could even say anything, we was leaning over toward me menacingly.

"You are _never_ to tell me about my driving again," he bit out through clenched teeth and then his eyes went to the bruise on my head and his expression transformed into alarm and then right back to fury.

"She hurt you," he spat out.

"Barely," I responded hoarsely.

Then he closed his eyes and I saw him try to temper himself down. "Tell me what happened."

I was so exhausted. I had just lived through it, plus explained it to the cops, and now I had to do it all over again.

When I didn't answer right away, he opened his eyes and pushed the fingers of his good hand through his hair.

"Let me help you," he started. "You ran away from me and then went to the Oak, which is where I found your abandoned phone and it's the first place I should have checked instead of your house…."

"Why are you're driving with one hand?"

"Please don't change the subject."

"I don't know why you're so angry with me," I complained. "I didn't do anything wrong."

He moved back into the driver's seat and pushed his head back into the head rest.

"I'm agitated with you, not angry," he retorted. "Though I'm pissed like fuck at Victoria."

"Why are you agitated with me?"

"Because," he flared, turning on me. "You just can't seem to keep yourself out of trouble. And I'm going crazy because I can't seem to protect you from it either."

"I don't think I've been in any gross amount of trouble," I pointed out.

"So why does it feel like I'm always trying to protect you from something?" He gasped.

"I don't know," I answered him curtly. "Your guess is as good as mine and I've never asked you to protect me. That's all you. Besides, I've told you before, there's not need for it."

"Because you can take care of yourself right?"

"Right."

"Like today?"

"It could have been much worse."

He shoved at his hair again, always wrestling with the gorgeous bronze locks that kept falling into his eyes.

"Tell me about Victoria," he said seriously, turning to me again.

"She followed me from your house to the Oak and…."

"She was at _my _house?"

"Well not exactly, she was waiting out at the entrance to your estate."

"Go on."

"At first I thought I was being paranoid when she took a detour, but she tricked me and somehow she found the Porsche parked in front of the warehouse. I didn't see or hear her arrive because I was up in the tree."

"_You_ climbed the Oak?" He asked in amazement.

"Yes," I answered curtly, feeling oddly proud by the fact. "She came around to the back and found me up there and when I wouldn't come down, she climbed up after me."

"_She_ climbed _that tree_?!" He screeched out and I knew he got even angrier because I figured that the tree was special to him and he wasn't pleased to hear that Victoria had touched it.

"She knocked my phone out of my hand when I took it out to call for help."

He narrowed his eyes and pressed his lips together pensively, asking me with his eyes to continue.

"That's how come you found it on the floor. Then she, um, pushed me….out of the tree."

He swore an ugly word through clenched teeth and slammed his hand against the steering wheel.

"She_ touched_ you?"

I gulped nervously and stared out of the window on my side. I had known that this wouldn't end well, but now it only seemed to be getting worse. He leaned over then and took my face in his hand and turned it toward him. He looked at the bruise on my head and then into my eyes.

"Did this happen when you fell?"

"Yes. And I ran away to the car and drove away, thus the high speed car chase."

"The next time you panic in a car, drive to the police station."

"Sounds good in theory, except, I don't know where it is," I answered him shamefully and pulled my face away from his hand.

"Bella, you've been here more than a month and you don't know where the police station is?"

"So?" I got defensive.

He shrugged it off.

"Where did Victoria go?"

"When she heard the sirens she pulled off into a street back there before they could see her. And of course, because shit just won't stop screwing up for me…._I'm_ the one they found! And I'm the one that almost got arrested! And I'm the one that had to blow into a goddamned breath-a-thingy, even though I'm the innocent one!"

He grunted and pushed himself back into the seat with a murderous look in his eyes.

"Victoria knows how to escape trouble," he grunted. "She's always_ just_ out of reach. I'm sure she had plans B and C already before she even approached you."

"You make it sound like she's so evasive yet still she's been kicked out of so many schools," I answered.

"She allows herself to get caught when she's ready to be kicked out," he said. "She's way past the age of a High School senior by now because of how much she's missed with all her jumping about. I think she's like, 20 or something."

"What? How do you know all this?" And I almost regretted the question immediately, half expecting that he would tell me that she was one of his past conquests or something and she had shared all of this information with him, but thankfully, it wasn't so.

"Let's just say I'm well acquainted with one of her nemeses."

I sat upright when he said that, suddenly very interested in the conversation.

"Who's that?"

He looked at me warily as if he didn't want to answer.

"Hey, I think I should know as much as possible about the person that's out to get me," I responded to his look.

"James is her ex boyfriend."

"Who the hell is James?"

"Port Angeles," he said.

I stared out through the front, confused for a bit, but then I remembered. "From the band?"

He nodded.

"That's so odd," I frowned. "And unexpected. But he moves around so much, when did they….?"

"I don't know the whole story, but he dumped her in order to roam with his band and it pissed her off badly. And so she gets into trouble so that she can be kicked out so in the hopes of running away and trying to follow him around."

"Eww. That's stalkerish."

"Yes, and she knew he'd be back in Port Angeles for a while, so she got kicked out of school in Seattle and came back here two months ago so that could be near him. I don't know how she gets the information."

"So what…her family moves with her all over the country from school to school?"

"Not exactly. She never intends to go to another school after she's been kicked out of one. She tries to skip town and go after James, but her father is in the military so he thwarts her plans every time and gets her into the next best school in the area. As much as she's troubled and rebellious, she's apparently very intimidated by daddy so he usually gets his way. The move to Forks he agreed to because it's where he grew up and where they started out from initially before her trouble started. But I think he threatened to send her to military school if she gets kicked out of this one. And if she goes to military school, bye bye James."

"She's definitely a stalker. Now it makes sense. And I still think it's weird that you know all this."

"James drinks and when he drinks, he talks."

"Does he still have feelings for her?"

"He's drawn to the wildness in her, but at the same time, he can't give her what she wants. He's a roamer."

"So all she really is, is a broken hearted girl who's taking out her rage on everybody else."

"It's more complicated than that Bella. She's twisted and she needs therapy and it's no wonder she hangs out with Tanya. They're like the mirror image of each other's personality and they both need therapy."

"Hey, stop knocking on people who need therapy," I grunted and turned my face out the window.

"I think," he continued. "Tanya reminds her of herself and when I pushed Tanya away, it somehow triggered off a reaction in her and she made it about her and James. I don't know what her intentions are, but she had some kind of plan concocted to do to me what she wanted to do to James, and you my dear, got in the way."

"Why didn't you tell me about all this before?" I asked him.

"Because, Victoria's past or her motives for being a predator aren't important. What's important is that she's crazy and she'll find any reason to hurt people once she sets her mind to it. We need to be more careful."

"But I really wasn't trying to be reckless."

"It doesn't matter now," and then he turned to me and leaned over. "Bella, you're never to run away from me like that again. I want to know where you are at all times."

"You can't keep me under surveillance Edward."

"Why the hell not?"

And though I scoffed at him, I was secretly thrilled by the fact that he was so concerned about me. I had absolutely no problem with having him around me all the time or with him knowing about my whereabouts because in any case, even when I wasn't with him, I was thinking about him, so it equated. My attachment to him bordered obsession and I was past the point of denial anymore – though it still sucked, for me.

"Let's get you home," he said. "I'll follow you."

I looked at his arm in the sling and wondered how the hell he was driving with just one hand. And right then, it occurred to me just how much he actually cared about me. There he was looking for me after I left his house, driving with one arm in a sling when he shouldn't have been. I felt something move inside of me and I smiled at him softly. I had been so panicked and hurt by the fact that he didn't love me, when his actions hinted otherwise.

"And drive _sloooowly_," he warned with a pointed finger before climbing out of the Porsche.

-----------------------------------

When we arrived at my house, no one was there. Alice was still out in Port Angeles and Esme was usually busy on Saturdays, and I had to wonder then if it had anything to do with Carlisle. Edward followed me into the house. It was hard to believe that just a while ago we were in his bed fooling around and having orgasms…my first one ever.

The experience was bitter sweet for me. On the one hand the pleasure was mind blowing and something that I couldn't put into words, and the fact that it was mixed in with his physical pain made it all the more intimate and special to me…but then he had to go and spoil it all with his crap about not being capable of love. And well the cherry on the top? Facing off with Victoria and then the cops.

_What a day to remember,_ I scowled inwardly.

I was apparently incapable of moderation_._

"Are you hungry?" I asked him once we were inside.

"Why, are you cooking?" He smiled and he relaxed noticeably.

"I will if you're hungry," I answered, walking into the kitchen. He took a seat on one of the stools by the island and swung around from side to side on it gently.

"Do you like spaghetti?"

"Baby, I'll eat anything you feed me," he grinned and my heart near stopped. That couldn't be a sexual innuendo I'd just heard, not after his big deal about going too fast. And being the oversensitive little fool that I was, I had to turn my back in order to hide the smile that curved my mouth.

I put on a pot of spaghetti to boil and grabbed a can of pitted green olives and a jar of sundried tomatoes from the cupboard. He stared at me as I chopped and diced the things for the sauce and I decided to start up a conversation about his brother.

I tried to make it sound as casual as I could in an attempt to dispel some of the mystery surrounding the taboo subject, and besides, I was simply curious about it.

"Which bedroom was your brother's?" I asked. "I hope you don't mind me asking. I'm curious."

He blinked away from me and asked for a glass of water. I got him one and gave him as much time as he needed to process the question and get comfortable with it while chopping and slicing away at the olives and tomatoes.

"The one right next to mine on the right if you're facing my door from out in the corridor," he twirled the glass in this left hand.

"When I was looking for your room earlier, I saw so many doors and I wondered which one was his."

He smiled faintly, concentrating on the glass in his hand. I turned away to get some garlic from the fridge then returned to my task.

"I love Garlic," he said absently.

"Good," I glanced at him. "That strikes _vampire _off my list of things to worry about."

He stuck his tongue out at me.

"Baby if I was a vampire, not even garlic could keep me away from you and somehow I figure that the whole garlic thing wouldn't apply. It seems so last century."

"Funny, a new age vampire. But what would you want with someone as plain and boring as me if you were?"

"The same things I want with you now. And quit saying that you're plain. You're not, and you certainly keep me way too busy to be boring."

And he'd done it again, he'd deviated from the topic so skillfully that I didn't even realize. I bit down on my lip and scraped all my chopped fragments into separate bowls.

"So what's in his bedroom now?" I asked, trying to get back to the conversation. He paused for a bit then swallowed some water.

"I don't know," he answered. I stopped what I was doing and looked at him.

"You don't know?"

"Nope," he said, taking another gulp with raised eyebrows.

"But, it's right next to your room," I frowned. "You don't like…go in?"

"I don't."

"Ever?"

"Ever."

Then he emptied the contents of the glass into his mouth. He seemed agitated, though he was remote, so I continued because I got the sudden and distinct feeling that this was very important to know.

"When was the last time you've been in his room?"

He raised his eyes and shook his head glumly.

"Not since we left for our sailing trip four years ago."

"Wow," I gasped and dropped the knife in my hand. "Edward…"

And the first traces of irritation started creeping into his eyes.

"You haven't been in there since?"

"Why is that so weird?"

"It's not weird," and I tried to smile comfortingly but the dreadful truth of his impairment was too sad to allow it. "It's just….wow."

"I don't like being reminded. So I stay away from it," he said as he twirled the glass around in the fingers of his left hand.

"Do you have pictures?"

He passed his hand over his face then and shrugged.

"Why?"

"It would be awesome to see what he looked like."

"Just look at me," he said sullenly and pointed to his own face. "We were exactly alike."

A unique sense of excitement shot through me as I imagined what it would have been like if there were two of them. I didn't think I'd be able to stand it. The _world_ probably wouldn't be able to stand it. It was hard enough having to adjust to _his _spell alone, let alone two of them.

"That's hard to believe," I said, taking the knife in hand again.

"Why? We were twins."

"Yes but, you're so…I don't know, unique and enigmatic. It's hard to imagine that there was another just like you."

He stared off at a point in space and shook his head. "Well there was."

"Would you be majorly opposed to me having a peek maybe?"

His eyes flicked to mine in suspicion and he tensed his facial muscles. "At what exactly?"

I shrugged and walked over to the pot of boiling pasta to stir. "His room."

"Bella, what is this about?"

I turned back around to face off with him and we stared at each other for a few long moments.

"I'm not trying to be intrusive Edward, but your brother is such a huge part of who you are, and I just want to know you. I also think it might be healthy to get it out of your system."

"If you want to know things about me all you have to do is ask."

"I _am_ asking."

"And there's nothing in my system that needs to get out."

He got off his stool and pushed his hair back out of his eyes.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not even a good idea," he started to pace and I followed him keenly with my eyes. "Even if I agreed to it, I wouldn't know what to expect. It's been too long. It's almost as if the space there doesn't exist anymore."

"But don't you wonder?"

"No."

I stared at him pace agitatedly, and as much as I hated being the one to stir that kind of reaction from him, there was this unspoken need in me to get past the blockage that made him closed off. Even though he claimed that he was closer to me than anyone else in his life then, there were still parts of him that were untouchable and I understood finally the desperation that girls like Tanya and Rosalie would have felt when faced with the impenetrable wall that blocked him off.

"Whenever you're ready to try," I said, and I was talking about a lot more than just a locked door. "Whenever, I don't care. I'll be waiting."

"Let's change the topic," he pleaded and I nodded.

"OK then but I have a different kind of question now."

"What is it this time?" He rolled his eyes and I wasn't even put off by his grumpiness. I folded my arms across my chest.

"Why did you come after me today?" Our eyes connected again and I saw him bite at the insides of his mouth. I was really doing a job at yanking his nerves that evening.

"Because you ran away."

"So?"

"I didn't want you to leave like that. I wasn't finished with you yet."

I raised my eyebrows at what could have easily been mistaken for male chauvinism. "You weren't _finished_ with me?"

"I don't mean it in a condescending way Bella," he said and took his seat on the stool again. "You made me feel selfish."

"Ok, now you've really lost me," I twisted my mouth.

He sighed deeply."I wanted to…wait. I need to be careful about how I say this. I didn't like that your first orgasm….and that was your first right?"

"Yeeaaahhh.."

"I didn't like that it happened like that."

"Huh?"

"If I wanted you to have an orgasm, let alone your first one, I would have gone about it in a much better way."

I dropped the knife and touched my lips with my garlicy fingers, and twitched my nose at the putrid scent.

"Well gee Edward," I grinned. "All you had to do was say…"

"Wait," he raised his hand as he eyed me. "This is serious."

I kitted my eyebrows together in a mask of concentration, though all I wanted to do was laugh in childish delight.

"You caught me off guard today and I couldn't push you away because I….fuck it. I'm too fucking turned on by you to push you off when you get me horny like that."

"And why should you want to push me away?" I pouted.  
"Don't play coy with me. You know how bad I want you, and you also know that I want to take shit slow with you."

I folded my arms and squinted at him teasingly.

"And now," he continued. "You've gone and given me yet another first thing to fix."

"Really?" I smiled, absolutely loving where he was headed and praising myself for the wonderful choice of conversation.

"The next time," he pointed at me. "You're going to stay very still, while _I_ take care of _you_."

I tried to contain my giddiness, but try as I might, my eyes widened on their own account and a blushing giggle escaped my lips. It made me very happy to know that he was tortured because he thought he didn't satisfy me enough, but if only he knew the extent to which he _did _satisfy me. Ever since it happened, I had the strangest inkling that the orgasm I felt was his and not mine. But as I'd said before, I was quite happy with him feeling the need to make things up to me and in that vain, I'd planned on creating a host of delicious scenarios where all our first times were botched…_in his opinion of course_, because he could never disappoint me with his touch; just so that he could 'fix' it.

"So, there's going to be a next time then?" I smiled.

"On one condition," he narrowed his eyes.

"Mmm?"

"No sex."

My jaw dropped dramatically and I almost dropped the knife again, this time on my foot. I hadn't expected him to say that.

"Until when exactly?" I frowned emphatically.

"I don't know," he answered and waved his hand in the air. "Until you're 20, or something."

"_Until I'm 20???!!!_"

He grinned boyishly and pointed to something behind me. "Your pot is boiling over."

I spun my body away from him and ran to the stove in a distracted and confused frenzy.

_Perfect timing_, I glared at the pot.

"You can't be serious Edward," I said as I towed the pot over to the sink to strain the pasta.

"I am."

"That's insane. You can't expect me to say yes to that."

"So long as you're my girlfriend, we're doing this my way… _properly_. I've had enough bad experiences to know that I'm not going to fuck this one up. Especially not with you."

"And how in the world is suppressing ourselves for three years doing things properly?!"

"I don't know. I haven't figured that out yet. But I'm going to try."

"Don't I get a say in this?"

"No."

"Why!"

"Because Bella," he walked over to me and put him good arm around my waist and rested his chin on the top of my head. "I don't want to blemish you. You're too beautiful to me and if I left this up to nature alone and with you as eager as you are, we're surely going to pop that sweet cherry all over the fucking place, because I'm as horny as they get. And then I'll regret it because things will change and I'll hate myself for it. And I can't hate myself over you. I'll never get over it."

"But you won't be blemishing me," I whined, resting my head back against the top of his chest.

God, he sounded a lot more like a century year old muse than a seventeen year old boy. "You'd be making me happy. I'm ready for this. Can't you tell?"

"You think you are, but you don't know," he kissed the top of my head and passed his open palm against my stomach. "Everything will change once we start having sex. I'm not saying no indefinitely, hell fucking no. I'm just saying not right now."

I knew he wouldn't give in to me easily that evening. It would have to be a process. He had apparently made up his mind and though it frustrated me, fighting about it would have stressed me out more.

"I can't convince you can I?"

"Nope, and please don't try."

"You're not like other boys your age. You're so much older than you actually are."

"One of the disadvantages of internal turmoil, I guess," he let go of me and returned to the island.

"What do you mean?" I turned and looked at him walk away.

"We're the same you and I," he continued. "Going through extreme circumstances that involves intense suffering at a young age makes you grow up a lot faster than you should."

"You think I'm mature?" I asked.

"I think you are more mature than most girls your age."

"Hmph." I accepted it even though he didn't answer my question properly.

I finished cooking in vigorous silence with him staring at everything I did. When I used to cook back in Phoenix, I hated having company in the kitchen because either it was Esme standing over me with a list of instructions and suggestions, or it was Alice trying to stuff things into her mouth right out of the goddamned pot.

But Edward, well that was different. He kept his eyes quietly on me and just like before, I felt the various parts of me tingle as he touched with his eyes; and I smiled to myself every time I knew his eyes had travelled to the secret places that he wouldn't want me to know about.

He thought he wanted to wait until I was 20, but little did he know, that was a battle he was surely going to lose.


	28. Chapter 28 The bitter taste of

**Chapter 28 - The bitter taste of inevitability**

I was bugged most of Sunday morning, going over various scenarios in my head about Edward and his deceased, not knowing why, but feeling compelled to know more about him after being so completely taken with his story. I also felt like I wasn't nearly as close to him as I'd like to be.

All of a sudden I wanted to see everywhere inside of his house, bothered by the fact that he hadn't offered to give me a tour at all. I figured that the GF card should at least have_ some_ perks, and getting a tour of the mansion seemed to be a pretty basic one. Apparently Marcus' room was completely off limits and because of that, I'd never wanted to see inside of a room more. It wasn't even about the room, I think. Sure I was curious about it and even more so about its beloved past occupant, but the fact that Edward kept it closed off the way he did, had to have meant that there was a part of _him _that was closed off as well; a part of him that was inaccessible - even to me.

It didn't help either that the offensive and nagging threat of something approaching loomed at the back of my mind, ever present. I was unable to relax with my current reality that Edward was actually mine, and I worried that inevitably something would come and snatch it all away. I almost didn't believe that it was meant to happen to me because it was something that actually made me happy, as if the gods had made a mistake and would figure it out sooner or later.

He picked me up just after lunch that day and as I'd expected, Esme was growing less and less pleased that I visited his house so often for homework. I could see that she grew increasingly concerned about my relationship with Edward and though she never said anything about it, I begrudgingly awaited the dreaded conversation; the one where she would sit me down and find fault in everything about us. With that in mind, I knew we would have to be careful to not give her reasons to object, and things like driving with one arm in a sling for instance would surely have to stop.

"You know you shouldn't drive like that," I looked over at his profile as he managed the drive easily with his one good arm. Thank heavens for a little invention called the automatic transmission. "I think Esme would object to it and so would your dad."

He smiled teasingly. "I'm quite accustomed to driving with one arm, but I appreciate your point. I had a hard time with the concept of allowing you to drive over to my place. We both know what happens when _you_ get behind the wheel."

I rolled my eyes in retort, hoping I would live to see the day when my driving mishaps wouldn't be a nuisance or the grounds for ridicule.

"Still," I continued. "I don't want to have to explain to Esme why you're driving me around with one arm."

"I'll think of something. I won't be in this damned sling very long anyway," he finished, and pulled into the long drive toward his house. Gradually the white structure came into focus like an ominous reminder of the parts of him I didn't know about. Funny, in just one conversation I had managed to off load most, if not all of my secrets to him and it probably seemed that way because there was just the _one_ strange thing about me from which every other idiosyncrasy stemmed.

Unfair.

I'd always thought that girls were generally more complicated than guys, but in just a few short days, Edward had managed to single handedly smash that theory to bits.

"I have a question," I asked as the Gargoyles on the roof top stretched out into focus. I wrapped my arms around me as my insecurities charged into overdrive.

"Mmmm?"

"How come you never gave me a tour of your house?"

He stopped the car in front, turned his body toward the middle and reached with his good hand to shift the gear into park. He then raised blank eyes to mine.

"You want a tour?" A dark shadow fell over his face and my heart dropped on seeing the clear signals. He wasn't thrilled with the idea and it even seemed like he was hiding something. It made me remember the big deal he made about me hiding from _him _and though I could have easily pointed it out to him right then, I resisted.

"Does this have anything to do with what you asked me yesterday?" He asked, ever the one to get straight to the point.

"Kinda. I mean, it started there," I confessed. "But it's not all about your brother's room. I also think it's strange that I'm your girlfriend and you have this huge house that I know so little about. It's obviously been in your family for years and I've only seen like three of four rooms out of how many?"

"Forty five."

I blanched for a second or two and gaped at him open mouthed. "_Forty freaking __five?"_

"If you want a tour I'll give you one, but there really isn't anything that interesting about it, just a bunch of rooms, most of which are unoccupied." He got out of the car solemnly then and made his way around to my side. He seemed shuttered off, like the way he had gotten the first time at the Oak when I had asked him questions about his family.

"Edward you really don't have to if you don't want to."

"It's ok," he managed a small smile.

"Then why do I feel like I'm prying? I hate making you uncomfortable."

"You're not," he sighed as he took my hand and lead me up the stairs to the front porch. "I'm just not sure how good I will be at what you ask. I've never given a tour of the house before."

Still, he wasn't relaxed and his restlessness though subtle, rubbed off onto me.

"On this floor we have basic rooms like the kitchen, the two dining rooms, one for us and one that Carlisle doubles as a board room for his meetings, three sitting rooms, the game room, the theatre, the staff kitchen and...."

He led me through the vast hallways and around a bend where my eyes were drawn to a number of artifacts and decorative details that all seemed to be from a different time. He pointed to the rooms in passing, though we never actually went into any, shrugged a lot and generally looked rather impatient with the whole task.

"Those rooms down there," he pointed ahead of us. "Belong to the staff."

"Staff quarters. Wow," I replied. "How many staff members do you have?"

"Not many," he answered, turning me around to walk back the way we came. "Two cooks, two housekeepers, a laundry maid and a gardener. We don't have much of a garden anymore, but there's a lot of open land out there that needs tending."

"I've seen one of the housekeepers. She sort of ran away when she saw me though."

"They're very discreet and try to stay out of sight when there are people in the house."

"That's kind of spooky."

"Maybe," he answered with a slanted smile. "But we prefer it that way. Carlisle doesn't like them to fuss over guests. The house is usually very quiet anyway and there isn't much to do with just the three of us living in it. So basically they just make sure that everything is ok. Oh and, they aren't allowed into my room."

"Why?" I chuckled. "Do you clean your own room?"

"Yes."

"And your laundry?"

"Yes, until it gets ridiculous and then they do it if I ask."

"You sound like royalty," I teased him.

He rolled his eyes and took my hand as we went up the first flight of stairs to the second floor.

"You already know a little about this floor. The library is down there, you know Carlisle's office. He has a second one which is sort of like a hospital room with a bed and some medical equipment. I think he started buying things for the clinic and couldn't leave it stored in the warehouse, so what he didn't donate to the pubic hospital, he brought here." He pointed to a closed door. "That's in here."

"Where is he today?"

"He's been out since this morning. I don't know where."

"So has Esme," I frowned pensively while being led through the hall. "I'm sure they together. Speaking of which…there's something's that's been on my mind and I think we should…"

"We'll talk about that after," he squeezed my hand gently. "Let me finish my tour."

I let out a brief laugh and squeezed back. "Ok."

"We have some guest bedrooms on this floor over on the other side, each with their own bathroom." He stopped then at the top of one corridor and resorted to merely pointing ahead of us.

"Down there is a studio and an indoor nursery, though it's dead now. So let's go upstairs."

"Wait," I tugged at him when he tried to steer me back. "A nursery?"

"Not baby. Plants."

"_Oh_. Like an indoor garden? I'd love to see. Who looks after it?"

He closed his eyes and let go of my hand to run his fingers through his hair.

"It's dead Bella. It was my mother's."

I swallowed in surprise and stared up at him. His tone bothered me, but not as much as the grim expression on his face.

"Dead?" The word sounded like it had a double meaning and on seeing that, I didn't want to force him, so I let it go.

"And the studio? Is that where you record your music?"

"It's not that kind of studio. It's an art studio. I record in my room when I have to."

"Art…"

"Again…my mother."

The misery that was usually hidden wasn't so evasive anymore. The shadow of despair was all over his face, raised to the surface like a window into a part of him that he tried really hard to stifle. All I wanted to do right then was to hold him the way I did in the restaurant in Port Angeles and have him shed his anguish all over me, but it wasn't happening and I could tell by the hardness in his face that he wished I would just drop it and leave him alone.

"I'd like you to let me in." I said to him in a sad tone.

"Those rooms are locked," he answered as he shifted his weight impatiently.

"I didn't mean the rooms," I took a step closer to him. "I meant in here." I rested my hand against his chest where his heart surprised me with its irregular thudding. He flinched slightly before moving his eyes away from mine.

"You're already in Bella," he swallowed. "But please don't make me do what you're asking."

"What am I asking?"

"You're asking me to take you down there." His eyes were drawn to the backdrop above my head, down toward the hall of shut doors. The lights in that part were turned off and the wall lanterns all turned down, unlike the rest of the floor which contained Carlisle's offices and the library. There really was something dead about that area and when I turned my head to follow his troubled gaze, a chill wafted through me.

"Ok," I said, gently taking his hand again. I led us back the way we came toward the second flight of stairs and he relaxed momentarily as we climbed toward the third floor.

"Here we have more bedrooms, five including Carlisle's, Emmett's and mine. That's a lounge next to Carlisle's. He doesn't like the television in his room, so he watches the news and takes his coffee in there sometimes. It's where he unwinds I guess, before hitting the sack. The laundry rooms are back there."

We turned back and headed toward the corridor with his room and the moment we turned around the bend, my eyes switched and fastened to Marcus' closed door.

"From what you told me yesterday," I began. "I assume that Emmett didn't get Marcus' room?"

"Nope," he answered flatly as he led me quickly past the closed doors before his. And as if he knew that I was staring at the forbidden door intently, he pulled me quickly past it and into his room. The moment we were inside his, he kicked off his shoes and ducked behind the heavy blinds against the glass paned wall and opened the door onto the balcony. The temperature in the room dropped minimally when he did it but I still pulled my coat around me tighter. I followed him out, feeling slightly rueful about making him give me a tour when he clearly didn't want to, and even a little irritated with his haphazard attempt.

However, I was more concerned about the damaged person within his shell and I knew that harping on it would only push him away. I knew for sure that keeping himself shut away from certain rooms in the house that still tormented him probably only made things worse, and what would have once been a challenge was now an insurmountable mountain that he had long since lost the courage to conquer.

He was leaning against the banister at his hips, looking out toward the mountains in the distance. The air was damp and I noticed that the temperature in Forks had started changing already. The skies were starting to warm up. It was by no means anything like the warmth I had loved in Phoenix, but I had to figure that anything was better than the frigid, cold air that I was greeted by when I first arrived.

His face was remote and his thoughts were as far away as the scene that his eyes touched. I grew anxious as I watched him from the side, wanting nothing more but to extinguish the charged atmosphere that had crept in between us.

"So are we going to the dance?" I asked flippantly in an attempt to lighten the mood, though honestly, nothing sucked more than the idea of the school dance. If I'd had it my way, I'd have spent the night of the dance somewhere alone with Edward, away from the prying eyes in school; and the thought of dressing up….ugh.

"Do you want to go?" He raised an eyebrow at me and tilted his head toward me slightly. "I didn't think you'd want to."

"Not really," I sighed, leaning against the stone carved banister next to him. "I just wondered what you thought about it."

He shrugged. "It might actually be a good idea." Then he turned completely toward me. "Might actually do you some good."

"Me?"

So it was about me then.

"Yeah," he nodded. "It might be fun and _you_ need some fun."

"I don't consider school dances fun, Edward," I grimaced. "Fun was driving into Port Angeles with you and watching you play. Fun was discovering you in the Oak with your guitar and song. Fun was opening my front door in the middle of night to an unexpected visitor. Fun is definitely _not _showing up in a…_dress, _in front of hundreds of watchful eyes just waiting for me to trip and fall on my face; which I probably will by the way. Besides, I hate dancing. It's so…happy."

He started laughing uncontrollably then and I saw some red creep into his cheeks with the rush.

"You think it's funny that I don't like to dance?" I smiled.

"No," he shook his head, amused. "But now more than ever I want to take you. Why are you so determined to be depressed?"

I pulled my eyebrows together and turned toward the scenery, slightly pinched by his comment. I didn't think I was _determined_ to be depressed and though I may have tended toward isolation and misery…it was more of a habit than a _liking_.

"Forget about it," I shrugged. "Maybe we should do something else that night."

"No way," he grinned and though it was at my expense, I preferred his mischief over the torment of a few moments past. "May I take you to the dance Isabella Swan?"

"Bella," I said absently, as if an automatic trigger had gone off in my head. "And I'm still not sure."

"I'm taking you," he chuckled and put his hand out to pinch my nose. "And you can't say no to me."

And a statement was never truer.

"It's going to rain," I glanced up at the threatening dark clouds, and he motioned toward the inside of his room.

Since our conversation had changed focus he was in a better mood. I still had some homework to finish off, so I sprawled out on his carpeted floor with my texts and notebooks, while he sat on his couch in the corner of his suite and tried to fiddle with his guitar. He had a lot of difficulty because it wasn't working out with one arm in a sling and he cussed repeatedly. I was just getting properly engrossed in reading and writing when suddenly a sharp pain sliced through my right shoulder and sucked the air right out of my lungs. I had to sit up in order to play it off unperturbedly.

"What are you trying to do?" I asked as I watched him fight to push the guitar under his elbow in the sling. The more he raised his arm and the more he pushed, the more it hurt and I saw him bite down on his bottom lip in an attempt to absorb the pain. It wasn't so easy for me however, though I did the same and my breathing started to falter as I dug my fingers into the thick carpet underneath me, having no other outlet for what was trying to come out of me. He forced himself and me by extension, to take the pain just so that he could get the bloody guitar to go where he wanted it.

"Edward stop," I begged, as I struggled not to show the discomfort in my own body.

"I just need to get it lodged there," he winced. "And once I do, I'll be fine because my fingers can move ok. I just…need…to get it….ugh!"

The blinding white pain gripped me and without thinking I instinctively grabbed my right shoulder with my left hand, keeping my eyes trained on him so that I would be able to see if he looked at me. Thankfully, his eyes were intently focused on his task and he didn't see me falter.

"Fuck," he cursed in frustration when he realized he couldn't raise his elbow high enough without causing himself enough pain.

"Have you taken your pain killers?" I asked him, as normal as I could manage.

"Yes," he exhaled, shooting an irritated glance to me.

"Maybe you shouldn't push it," I pleaded nervously. "You're hurting yourself."

_And me!_

I wasn't afraid of the pain, not by any measure. What I was afraid of was feeling it in front of him where I was in danger of being exposed.

"I can take it," he retorted through clenched teeth and I knew the irritation wasn't directed at me. He was frustrated with himself. "It will only hurt for a little while, but I'll get accustomed to it."

He tested his limit again, and mine; forcing his arm up so that the lancing heat travelled down his arm, across his back and into the right side of his neck.

The pain was not unbearable, but nevertheless, I needed the comfort of bracing my shoulder in privacy until he decided to cease his self torture, so I shot up in haste and ran to his bathroom.

"What's the matter?" He called after me.

"I need to use the bathroom," I called back as I scooted in and closed the door behind me. I sat on the covered bowl and crouched over with my shoulder in my grasp. I exhaled in relief once I was safely behind the closed door. As it turned out, he was just as relived for the privacy, because he took full advantage of the opportunity to go at it without me there to try and stop him. He shoved and pushed and bent and just generally did an awful injustice to his injury and I felt every single stab of the merciless pain that got worse and worse as the minutes went by. I had to bend right over, bite into my bottom lip and squeeze my eyes tightly closed as I struggled to keep the cries inside of my throat. Finally, I heard him strum something on his guitar and I raised my head and stared at the closed door in front of me. It seemed that he had gotten the guitar in place. However, his strumming was unsteady and hampered, and after god awful long time of sucking the pain inside, the music stopped and he swore out loud.

"_Shit_!!!"

Another pang crashed through our shoulders then and I dropped my head between my knees in silent retort; trying not only to contain his pain, but also his white light that encased his gap. The thoughts of Charlie were flitting in the seconds right after but only because the experience with Edward made me remember him. Beads of sweat started popping out of the pores on my forehead and though I knew I was in there long, it was the only option I had other than showing Edward exactly what was going on with me. I pressed my forehead onto my knees next and started pumping my legs up and down, trying to distract myself from the familiar and oncoming anxiety attack. My mind took off on a whir then and I heard the hum of my speeding and chaotic thoughts as they tried to pull me inward and consume me.

_This is not the time for an anxiety attack. Not the time. Not the time. Not the time. Calm down. Breathe Bella. Breathe._

Then suddenly, my axis shifted and I wasn't alone anymore.

"Bella what the fuck!?" I heard Edward cry out. As it turned out, I had closed the door but forgot to lock it; not that I was in the habit of locking doors, but certainly I expected that I would hear him if he tried to open it. I had forgotten to factor in the soft, thick padding of carpet beneath the door which muted all sound, and why would his shiny brass hinges squeak right? I looked up at his brooding and demanding figure complimented by the look of distorted shock on his face. He rushed over to me just as I straightened myself and tried to act normal.

"I'm fine," I belted out before he could ask, but he didn't buy it and it was obvious by the unbending yet concerned look in his eyes.

"Please don't lie to me Bella," he said, kneeling on the floor in front of me. "What's wrong? You look like you're in pain."

His eyes fell on my right shoulder which was still cupped by left hand, so I dropped my hand immediately into my lap and gave myself a mental kick in the ass for being so careless.

"I have a stomach cramp," I lied, hoping that the crouched position he found me in would support my claim. His eyes went down to my stomach then and he reached out and spread his left palm over it.

"I'm ok though," I smiled at him. It was then that the pain started to subside and it was obviously because he had since stopped jabbing himself with his guitar. Pain also has a way of fading into a person's subconscious when something else happens to distract your mind from it and it was possible that because Edward was alarmed by what he had found when he saw me, he forgot about the discomfort in his shoulder and so it faded away….for the both of us.

"How can I help? Do you need anything?" He asked as he passed his hand over my stomach from side to side. I shook my head smilingly when I felt my stomach flutter in response to his tenderness.

"Knock much?" I asked with raised eyebrows.

"Well you were in here quite a while and I called out to you twice, but you didn't answer," he searched my face with his eyes. "So I came in."

I frowned in bewilderment. I hadn't heard him call me, but then again, I was on the verge of a mental meltdown so anything was possible.

"You're sweating," he pressed his hand to my cheek next. "Are you sick?"

"No I'm alright." I stood up hastily. "Really, I'm fine. It was just a stomach cramp and now it's over. Girl trouble…"

He stood up too, but I could tell he was unconvinced.

"You'd tell me if something was wrong with you wouldn't you?" He asked, sounding almost hurt.

"Of course I would," I answered, though not entirely sure if that was completely true. He was already proving himself to be as worried and concerned about me as I had feared and although I understood the feeling, I didn't think it was necessary where I was concerned as I was never really the one _actually_ in danger. Most of the physically uncomfortable things I'd experienced were a spill over effect from Charlie…and now him; not counting the episode with Victoria and the cops of course.

Whatever.

His eyes shot down suspiciously to my right shoulder again and then flicked back up to mine. I had to shrug off that observation. Maybe I was so paranoid that he would figure me out that I was looking for suspicious reactions from him more than I should.

"What?" I raised an eyebrow at him when he didn't respond. "Haven't you ever been around a girl with menstrual cramps before?"

"Bella," he shook his head and turned up one corner of his mouth. "You were ready to jump into bed with me yesterday and now you're trying to convince me that you're suffering from your monthly cramps?"

I side stepped him and frowned. "So it started today."

He followed me into his bedroom.

"Fine then," he said, and when I turned to look at him, he had his left hand raised in the air in a gesture of surrender. "I guess that means….that I have to keep my hands off you today then."

I shifted in a moment of indecision and reconsidered my story.

_Of all the back lashes._ *Sigh*

I hadn't thought about the repercussions of my little white lie. I had planned to make him keep his promise to me that day about showing me the _right _way to have an orgasm, since he was so big on first times – especially mine. He had wanted to fix our first kiss and now he wanted to fix this and though I couldn't find a single thing wrong with either incident, I had no objection to him 'fixing' them.

However, I had just gone and done some unfortunate_ "fixing"_ of my own and as I stood there groveling in the stink of my hasty white lie, he read my body language and called out me on it.

"Bella," he warned, taking a few steps toward me. "You're hiding something from me."

I tried to scoff. "Why on earth would you say that?"

"Because you're fidgeting."

It was only then I realized that I was frantically twirling an unresponsive lock of hair around my fingers. I dropped it and against my calmer nature, I panicked.

"I'm not," I blurted out, turning my back to him.

"You're not what? Fidgeting or hiding something?"

"Both."

It was suddenly very stifling in his bedroom all of a sudden and I grabbed at the ends of my coat and tore it away from my body. He was right before too when he said that I was sweating and I had to wipe a few strands of hair away from my forehead and the sides of my face, playing with the idea again of putting it into a ponytail. I shook my head in silent rejection to the idea and dropped the veil in my hands, opting to leave it out instead, but it made my neck itchy and after scratching at a spot for a few seconds, I ended up pulling all of it over my shoulder to the front.

"Stop fidgeting," his voice came from directly over head and I felt the warmth of his body press against my back. If it weren't for the arm in a sling between us, he'd probably have pressed right up against me.

I stopped all movement when I felt him so near and closed my eyes, waiting for his next move with a held breath.

"Was it your dad again?" He asked and for a moment, his analogy caught me off guard.

Charlie? He'd thought I was hiding an incident with Charlie.

Without thinking straight, I dispelled his suspicion.

"No," and I regretted it immediately afterward. He would have taken that reasoning without question and it was effectively the easiest way out of it. "Yes."

"Yes or no Bella," he asked with a hint of impatience in his voice.

Another wave of apprehension flooded over me then and as tempting as it was to make Charlie take the fall for this one, I just couldn't. It would also have meant having to admit to the lie about cramps earlier on. So I decided to stick to my story and accept the repercussions, instead of getting myself deeper into a situation that I may not been able to handle.

"It's no," I sighed with my back to him. "It was cramps."

The knock on the door came like a blast out of nowhere and it made us both jump in startled reaction. Immediately I started scanning the room for a place to hide, even though we weren't doing anything wrong, but somehow I felt like it was inappropriate to be alone with him in his room with the door closed.

"Edward," came Carlisle's voice through the door. I grabbed my mouth with both hands and widened my eyes like a child in trouble, then started making my way out to the balcony hastily.

"Where are you going?" Edward asked in amusement. I widened my eyes at him more and pointed to the door.

"Esme knows you're here, and that means so does he," Edward said rationally. "What were you going to do…hide? Just stay put." He strolled over to the door and opened it to allow a noticeably weary Carlisle inside.

"Hi Bella," he said with calculating eyes; and then to Edward, "…you guys said you'd be doing homework."

I was thankful that I'd actually attempted the feat earlier on as was evident by my spilled books and writing utensils on the floor. I made a small motion toward it with my finger.

"Hello Dr, um…Carlisle. We _were_ doing homework. See?"

"What's wrong with the library?" Carlisle asked, shifting his eyes between us. "I'd be more comfortable if you relocated your stuff there."

"Of course," I gasped, dropping to the floor to gather my things into my hands. There was a muffled exchange between them both which I missed and by the time I was upright again with all my stuff wrapped in my arms, Carlisle was on his way out.

"I am so embarrassed," I said to Edward as I headed for the door.

"Forget about it," he said, bored. "We weren't doing anything wrong. Don't act so guilty."

He made his way over to his desk and picked up his bag pack then followed me out of the room. Out in the hallway, I stood and stared at the closed door to Marcus' room, biting down on my lower lip in response to my niggling curiosity. Edward only brushed past me with blank eyes.

"Leave it alone Bella," he said as he walked by, then Carlisle materialized again lower down the hall and pulled me out of my reverie once more.

"Edward," he called. "I'd like to see you for a minute."

With an exasperated sigh, Edward turned to me and asked me to wait for him in the library.

A few seconds later I was alone in the corridor facing the opaque door that shut me out of Marcus' room and possibly, the deepest part of Edward's heart. I bit into my lip peevishly, irritated by the nagging curiosity that festered itself in my psyche. The door even seemed to grow in height as I stared at it and the next thing I knew, my feet moved forward of their own volition, closer to it. The lure was definitely there, invisible and unheard, but just as present as a possible sixth sense in me kicked into overdrive. I swallowed hesitantly and glanced down the hall to where Edward had disappeared, then back at the brass door knob where my distended reflection stretched into focus.

My hands were filled with my books and utensils and I had my back pack strapped across my back. I literally had to beat down the temptation to just drop everything in my hands and grab that door knob. What would be so bad about that anyway? And what could be so bad about what was on the inside?

Worst case scenario? Everything would still be in place covered with staid, old fabric frozen in time and ignored like Marcus' memory.

No, what was the matter with me?

Worst case scenario would be me getting engrossed in the mystery behind the door, opening it, losing track of time and getting caught by a very upset Edward.

Best case scenario? The room would be empty and there would be absolutely nothing to see. I would close the door again and be on my way without being caught.

Either way, I felt like an untrustworthy traitor and besides, it would have been completely out of character to do what I wanted to do so badly.

My heart rate quickened as I knocked around the two possibilities in my head and the silence in the hallway became deafening. I shifted my weight from one leg to the next and tightened my arms around my books. Edward would be furious with me, probably, and he would be justified in that fury. We had only just recently started exposing our vulnerabilities to each other, but for some reason, I still wanted more and I wanted it too fast.

It wasn't enough to know about his pain when he kept me at an arms length with it. As sweet as he was with me and as great as it felt to be_ liked_ by him, I didn't completely understand his reasons for giving me a taste, only to hold back in the end. Worst of all was the fact that it made me feel threatened that we weren't on the same page as it pertained to the strength of our feelings for each other.

I was in love and he wasn't.

At first, I had been on top of the world at the mere fact that Edward had liked and wanted me, but ever since falling in love with him, I grew increasingly insecure and I feared the looming threat at the back of my mind, whatever it was, that was coming to pull us apart. It was just how things worked for me, for as long as I could remember. It was my imbalanced existence with the universe and the thing that eventually tore Charlie and me apart…because I had loved him too much. It worked relentlessly against me, determined to quell my connection to him, no matter how hard I fought back against it. It had to be the same thing that I felt approaching with Edward and my happiness with him was sure to be tested, one way or the other.

I felt my brow break out in a fresh sweat as I felt my thoughts run wild in the hallway. Again, my mind was working overtime and the looming threat was gnawing on my last nerve. I had to be careful or else it would have been me who screwed everything up and drew the worst to myself by worrying so much. I shook my head and closed my eyes and concentrated on the rich smell of the wooden door before me. I was _that _close.

But I couldn't do it. I couldn't drop my books to turn the knob. I couldn't peek in. I couldn't bring myself to hurt him though my own selfish needs. I knew I had to walk away quickly before I had made the unforgiveable mistake of intruding where I didn't belong.

"Bella," he called and my breath snagged at the inflection in his voice. I turned my head to meet an intense, staring pair of green eyes and took two uncomfortable steps backward. He looked tortured and almost angry and I cursed myself for even_ considering_ what I had almost done.

Before he could talk again, I started shaking my head and blinking uncontrollably in an attempt to explain myself.

"I wasn't going to," I faltered. "I promise. I was curious, but I wouldn't have. You have to believe me."

"Carlisle wants to speak to us together in the library," he said in a bothered tone, then passed his hand through his hair and sighed.

"What?"

He never even acknowledged my statement about the door. I walked toward him. The silence was foreboding as my sneakers padded soundlessly against the carpeted floor and I stared at him for answers as I approached.

"What is it about?" The look on his face alone was enough to make me anxious. "Edward?"

"It's better if he says it."

"Well shouldn't you prepare me first? A heads up? You're scaring me. What is it about?"

"It's complicated. I think you need to hear it from him."

When we entered the library, Carlisle rose from the sofa and gestured to me to have a seat. His usually gentle and smiling features looked strained and I anchored myself defensively near the door and refused to sit. For some reason, I felt less vulnerable in a standing position, though I would have much preferred to be facing the door as well. He cleared his throat and began.

"Bella. I was talking to Edward and he thought it was best to include you in the conversation, seeing that the situation involves you as well." He resumed his sitting position on the couch where Edward and I shared our second and very intimate kiss, the one where he made up for the demands and urgency of our first. The memory shot through my body in warm rivets and my heart lurched involuntarily against the wall of my chest.

"Ok," I responded when I realized that Carlisle was waiting for my acknowledgement. Edward stood at my side and I felt a strong, silent sense of protectiveness expel off of him.

"Bella, your mother may be upset with me for doing this because she wanted to do it herself as well as she wanted more time, but after discovering you in Edward's room today, I don't think it can wait any longer. And I decided on my own that it was time that I spoke to my son about it seeing that the two of you have become so serious with each other, so soon."

I took a deep breath and tried to contain the catastrophic outrage that started exploding inside of me.

He paused and surveyed my expression and I didn't know how to respond to that, except to be quiet and wait. It felt like he was waiting for me to confirm what he had said about Edward and I being serious, and by all means, to me, we were….very much so; even though I couldn't speak for Edward and even though at times he seemed more like a surrogate guardian than a boyfriend. And just when I started to doubt the fact, I felt his hand rest on my shoulder and squeeze gently.

It was a subtle and intimate signal from him that we were in it together, whatever it was and I relaxed minutely and expelled a loaded breath of air.

"Yes," I answered finally. "We are." Carlisle nodded then and smoothed the hair at the side of his temples.

"Then, with that in mind, there is much that needs to be said. He raised sullen eyes to me then and frowned. "Bella, your mother and I have been seeing each other…..and that too, is _rather_ serious."

The books in my hand were suddenly too heavy to hold anymore and I stumbled forward toward the desk where I deposited them loudly. I had known. Well, I had suspected, so I wasn't shocked, though the honestly of it surely stung.

"So you understand why your relationship with Edward makes things….complicated?" He asked.

He looked almost apologetic. Edward moved forward then and touched me on my back before pulling out a chair for me to sit. I took it absently and dropped my weight against the hard surface.

"What I'd like to know is," Edward began as he took a seat next to me. "What exactly are you suggesting for Bella and me? Because I can tell you right now, I'm not breaking up with her."

"What I'm suggesting," Carlisle responded, crossing his legs and passing his hands through his hair very much like Edward would. "Is that you take the entire situation into consideration as you continue with your relationship and to be careful and mindful of everyone who's involved. We _all _need to be discreet because this can very easily turn into something unpleasant."

"Everyone at school already knows that Bella and I are together," Edward said in a matter of fact tone. "You guys are the ones just stepping out of the closet."

"Regardless of whatever has already happened, you need to understand how taboo and unthinkable something like this can be."

"It only becomes taboo if you two get married," Edward cut him off. "So far, we're all unrelated, soooo…"

Carlisle bent his head then and leaned over with his both hands clutching the hair at the sides of his head. He didn't say anything and he didn't have to, because it was pretty obvious right then what he was stressing out about and Edward had just opened the hornet's nest without even knowing it.

"You're kidding me with this!" Edward screamed as he scraped his chair backward and shot into a standing position. Carlisle raised his head suddenly and looked up at his son.

"Lower your voice," he said calmly.

"_Dad?!_" Edward screeched, shoving his left hand into his hair and planting it there. From where I sat, I could only see his profile and it was menacing enough to make me flinch inwardly.

"Please tell me I'm wrong!" Edward yelled. It was awful seeing him that upset, and even more so knowing_ what_ he was upset about. The revelation about Esme and Carlisle was bad enough, but marriage? It just couldn't be true, and the looming threat at the back of my head started to creep to the forefront.

Carlisle sighed and shook his head dejectedly, keeping his eyes on Edward's.

"I'm sorry son," he said softly. "I can't tell you that."

"Fuck!" Edward threw his hand into the air. "Just _fucking _great dad!"

"Hey. Watch your language."

Edward looked at me then with eyes that blazed with the heat of a million suns, searching mine for some kind of reaction. Apparently I had gone into shock and the expression on my face as a result was completely blank.

"They're getting married," he said to me in disbelief.

I frowned up at him and then to Carlisle, then reassessed my reaction and tried to speak.

"But," I began. "It's too soon…I mean. We only just got here!"

"Bella," Carlisle stood. "I know it's a shock and God help me, it wasn't supposed to be revealed to you this way. Your mother, she wanted to be the one….."

"How long?" I demanded as I felt my justified anger finally spit into full force.

"How long what?"

"How long have you two been engaged?"

"A while," he frowned and I knew I was pushing him in a direction where he was about to say much more than he was supposed to. His answer was vague and I figured that it was intentional.

I had to fight back the urge to cry in my anger. I always cried when I got angry, much to my own annoyance and this time was proving to be just as predictable as every other time. I felt my nerves start to rattle and it translated itself into a slight trembling all over my body. Not only did I feel deceived by my own mother, but finally, the looming threat was in focus. That had to be it. I was convinced. The nagging nit that had sneered at me the moment I realized I had fallen in love with Edward had finally begun to suck the happiness out of me. I looked at Edward then, so strikingly beautiful in the hard set, grim lines across his face, and a wave of despair settled over me. He wasn't supposed to be mine.

"Take me home," I choked out to him and he sprung into immediate action.

"You shouldn't leave like this Bella," Carlisle said pleadingly. "You have to believe that this is not, nor was it ever an attempt to separate the two of you. It just happened."

For some odd reason, no ounce of my anger was directed at Carlisle, though I tried to feel it. The entire time he spoke, he was gentle, reasonable and almost apologetic. I had liked him and I hated that such an unfortunate situation would come between us. Esme on the other hand….

"Let's go," Edward said to me, propping my books under his left arm.

"Edward you can't drive like that," Carlisle said and he sounded a hell of a lot more certain about that, than about anything he had just confessed to us.

"Goddamn it dad," Edward gritted through clenched teeth. "Will you give me a break? I have to take her home."

"I'm sorry Edward," Carlisle said firmly. "But it would be irresponsible of me to let you drive Bella home with one arm in a sling. Please ask Emmett and if he can't, I'll take her home."

"The hell you will," Edward seethed, taking a stance between Carlisle and me.

"You're being highly irrational Edward," he responded, in complete control of himself. He never looked threatened by Edward and why would he? He knew his son better than anyone else.

Edward handed me my books then and dipped into his pocket for his cell.

"Emmett are you home? Great. Meet me in the garage. Yes now. Quit it. No. I need you to take me somewhere urgently. I can't fuck off, it's urgent. Thanks."

With one last contentious glance at Carlisle, Edward ushered me out the door and toward the staircase. We hurried out together toward the front with no words, but as a fortified team. It was as if our mutual anger solidified our bond even more and as sadistic as it sounds, I kind of enjoyed it.

"What the fuck man?" Emmett met us in the garage. Rosalie, of course, was at his side, popping bubble gum expertly between her full, red lips.

"I need you to take us to Bella's house," Edward said, ushering me to the jeep.

Emmett took one look at my face and frowned. "Explain." But my boy knew me well and I saw him glance at me then at Rosalie and shake his head.

"Not right now," he answered. "Later when you're alone. Open up."

Rosalie only popped her gum in retort and jumped into the passenger seat of the jeep.

"It's not like he's going to hide it from me anyway, dick face," she said. "Doesn't matter when you tell him."

Edward and I bundled into the back seat as Emmett roared the jeep to life. Rosalie gave directions to the house while he drove. I kept my eyes focused on nothing in particular outside the window and even though Edward's arm around me was reassuring, I still struggled with intense disbelief and hoards of contentious energy. Resentment for my mother doubled….._tripled_ in the time it took to drive me home, and I knew that she'd be there waiting for me because Carlisle was home and he would have undoubtedly called her the second we rushed out, to warn her that I was on my way.

I looked over at Edward and nodded as I prepared to face off with Esme. Nothing would bar us from having this fight…. absolutely_ nothing_.


	29. Chapter 29 All or Nothing

Hey guys, sorry for the wait. Here's 29.

This is E & B's first serious hurdle and though it may not be the pivotal issue in their relationship, it will bring some important things to the fore front. Stay tuned and happy reading :) And don't get worried! They will find their way !..lol

**Chapter 29 - All or Nothing**

It wasn't that I didn't want her to see. The truth was that I didn't want _me_ to see and I knew that if I had let her in through those closed doors, she would have expected me to follow her in and show her around as if it was okay. I also figured that because it was in her nature to be caring and concerned, she'd probably have thought that opening those doors would have miraculously helped me face all the shit that had blackened my heart; but that was impossible. I knew that she genuinely cared about me, more than I deserved and more than I was willing to admit to but because my spirit was still trying to adapt to the newness of reckless abandon in the heart department, I was hampered by fear and always two steps slower than I should have been.

The impairment of my soul wasn't something that could have easily been fixed and because I knew that, I gave myself more slack than was necessary and allowed the fear of dealing with my demons to hamper my ability to even try. Somehow, I had managed to make logical sense of the fear and brainwashed myself into believing shit like; entering either one of those rooms would have set me back four years and catapulted me into an abysmal realm of grief that I had since found the ability to ignore.

And I trained myself into thinking…_fuck anyone who thought that it was unhealthy to avoid all the bothersome crap, and fuck anyone who tried to change me._ No one knew what it was like. No one else stood on the cold fucking shore with his own dead face in his arms like I did, pale and frigid with shock, only to find out that the one person who could have made it better or even remotely bearable had been taken away too. I would have run to her and I would have cried and make her comfort me until I believed that someday it would be ok; but I was denied of even that, that basic and natural instinct to hide in the arms of my own mother. So the only thing left to do in the company of an equally distraught and disoriented father was to hide and turn away from it, because it was just too fucking hard to deal with alone. Avoidance was how I coped. Harshness was how I protected myself, and bitterness was how I avenged my black heart.

At the same time however, I wasn't so dense that I didn't expect Bella to ask eventually. I just didn't expect it to be so soon. First she wanted to see inside Marcus' room and then she wanted a tour of the house.

I had intentionally avoided a tour because it meant opening shut doors that needed to say shut and answering questions that I wasn't ready to answer. As much as Bella had captured me in a way that I thought was impossible, there were still things about me that couldn't be undone and that unfortunately, she would have to accept willingly. It wasn't something I was proud of, in fact, I was embarrassed about it and it made me immensely self critical.

When she touched my chest in the corridor and asked me to let her in I almost buckled over in self disgust because I knew that I had asked the same thing of her when I wanted her to talk to me about Charlie, and she did. I had tried to return the gesture by telling her more than I had ever admitted to anyone else with my own lips, but I couldn't go beyond a certain fucking point and the line drew itself when she had asked for that tour.

Thank goodness she was perceptive and sweet enough to let me be when she saw that I was having difficulty with it; as was evident by my lousy and slip shod attempt at a tour, but it was all I was capable of at that point and I hoped that on some level, it sufficed. Thank goodness she didn't know the kind of power she had over me either, because I suspected that if given enough leeway, she would have had me doing and saying things that I wouldn't have ordinarily allowed.

I almost went crazy the day before when she stormed out of my room, upset, because of some shit I had said to her. I had never ever in my life wanted someone as much as I wanted her and that scared the fucking shit out of me. More than that, I knew the monstrous things that I was capable of and I really didn't want to be that kind of person with her, so I thought that the only way to do the relationship thing right, or at all, was to take things slowly. If it was anyone else, I'd have been to Mount Olympus and back by then and already looking for the nearest exit.

Like I said before, the asshole gene was inherent.

It seemed that I was already messing up with Bella too, because even though my intentions to slow things down with her was theoretically noble, the way I went about it was less than praiseworthy because it was primarily influenced by the fear I experienced when I felt her physical touch own me. I was battling with too many things at the same time; the temptation to give in to everything she wanted to offer; my will to do the right thing for once and choose her innocence over her sexual appeal; and my will to decelerate the enormity of feelings for her that had erupted inside of me at break neck speed. And because I just didn't know how to deal with all of that, I freaked the fuck out, let her see my insecurities and hurt her feelings.

I couldn't fathom why in the world she wanted me of all people to take away the most precious and beautiful thing about her. In one reckless moment, she could be stained by everything ugly inside of me and that was something I couldn't live with. I had made up my mind that I would not be responsible for tainting her, not when I cared about her so much. Even though she didn't understand yet, I preferred her doe eyed naivety to her having to find out the hard way that it wasn't what she wanted.

When she took off in anger, I had struggled to get myself together with my one good arm in order to go after her. It was hard as fuck to drive with one arm in a sling but thankfully another dose of the weak ass pain killers helped a bit and I doubted that even if it _didn't _help that I would have stayed behind with my miserable thoughts.

I went to her house first but she wasn't there, so I turned around immediately like a crazed lunatic and headed for the Oak. She liked my Oak and I figured it would be the next best place to check. When she wasn't there however, I felt my heart drop but the disappointment was quickly overridden by acute anxiety when I tried calling her and found her cell phone on the floor at the foot of the tree. It meant that she had been there, but why the fuck would her phone be abandoned on the ground when she was nowhere around? I remember grabbing my hair and spinning around like twenty times or so before running all over the fucking yard to see if she had collapsed somewhere or some shit. All kinds of terrible things went through my head and I had to fight really fucking hard to not lose my shit, to keep my head on and plan my next move. I searched the property like Sherlock fucking Holmes and when I was convinced that she was nowhere around, I gave up and went back to my car.

I had no idea where to look next, so I decided to drive around town in search of the Porsche and by the grace of something holy, she called me from an anonymous number with the most outlandish question. My relief at the sound of her voice lasted for a few brief moments before it was replaced with palpable frustration. As much as I would have liked to convince myself that I was frustrated entirely with her, the truth was that _I_ was the reason she was calling from a cop's cell phone in the first place because it was me that pissed her off enough to send her running away from me.

To make matters worse, Victoria was in the fucking picture and I swore my eyes burned red in concentrated anger when I started piecing the situation together. I didn't even care that I was about to walk into a trap of my own, heading straight toward the cops, driving with one arm in a sling. Forget about Bella; if they had seen that, they'd have hauled my ass in instead.

It seemed that Bella drew a constant barrage of misfortune to herself and if I had thought that _that_ day was bad, the day after was much worse. The day after was the birth of the very first,_ real_ situation that we ever had to deal with as a couple and I very nearly fucked it to hell.

She was visibly upset with Carlisle's admittance and so was I. I knew that he and Esme was a couple. It wasn't fucking rocket science and I had figured it out a long time before he felt obligated to say anything.

My first tip off was the Porsche that Bella and Alice drove. I didn't say anything about it of course, because I wasn't supposed to see what I did. I kept that shit quiet because for one, it didn't matter, two, I knew Bella would stress out and get all embarrassed and shit and three, it wasn't any of my fucking business. It happened on the same evening she came to the Oak and found me in the tree playing my guitar. Before I left home that day, Carlisle had called me into his office to talk about unpleasant shit like my school grades, upcoming exams and about if I had started thinking about college yet. He was always trying to subtly gage whether or not I had made any progress in my desire to pursue a medical career and no matter how far I pulled in the opposite direction, he never seemed to fucking get it. So we sat there, tip toeing around each other carefully when he pulled at my report card file from a stand on his desk, only to push the file right next to it onto the floor on my side as well. Among other random, general car and insurance documents was a pink slip for the yellow Porsche with his name on it. It was the first thing I had picked up off the floor coincidentally enough and my eyes skimmed it briefly as I shoved the other spilled documents into the file before putting it back into its place. He never even realized and I guessed at the time that he wouldn't have a reason to be nervous about anything falling out of that file because Bella and I weren't even an item yet. In fact, we were barely friends at the time. As much as it had made me curious when I saw it, I wiped it from my memory and pretended like it never happened.

I did however, try to start a conversation about the car that night at the Oak when I walked her to it, just to see her reaction. From the little I'd known about her so far, she was easily embarrassed but impressively straightforward, so I figured that my comment about the car would have both embarrassed her then merited a facetious retort; but it was obvious by her reaction that she didn't know anything and even funnier was the fact that she resented the choice of car that her "mother" supposedly got for her and Alice.

Yet still and in light of all of that, I hadn't expected the marriage bomb from Carlisle, and when he didn't deny it, I flew into a fitful rage. A relationship between them I didn't care about, but marriage meant that Bella and I would become step siblings and even though I knew I wanted to be with her; I expected that all sorts of complicated shit would evolve from it and murk up the waters.

"Should I leave you or are you coming back?" Emmett asked after he had taken Bella and me to her house that evening. I could tell from her rigid posture in the backseat and the determination in her eyes that she intended to have it out with her mother and though I wasn't exactly sure about what my place should have been in that, I could tell by the look in her eyes when Emmett asked his question that she wanted me to stay with her.

"Leave me," I answered as I hopped out.

"Thanks," she said to Emmett as she jumped down after me.

Emmett honked the horn and drove away and Bella wasted no time in charging up the pathway toward the front door when she saw Esme's car parked out front. I followed her up the path but stopped her before she opened the front door as an unexpected bout of nervous energy hit me.

"Bella wait," I grabbed her by her elbow from behind. She spun around impatiently to regard me with furious eyes, though I knew the fire wasn't meant for me and I found myself being awed to say the least by the fury she was capable of. As fragile and tender as she came across, she was a feisty little firecracker and I liked it very much.

"Maybe I should just wait out here. Shouldn't the two of you talk about this alone first?"

"Don't be silly Edward," she said point blank. "You included me in the conversation with your dad, so it's only fair that you should be here for this too."

"Still," I responded, glancing at the door. "I can sit inside if you want, in the kitchen or something. I don't know if your mom will be comfortable just yet."

"Fine," she nodded, as she opened the door. "I'm sure she's upstairs, so you can stay in the kitchen if you want."

"I'll keep him quite occupied," Alice butted in as she appeared in the doorway. She caught us by surprise, standing there as if she knew we were about to open the door.

"Hi Alice," I said glumly. Bella stared at her suspiciously then charged at her in the next second.

"Alice what do you know?" She asked.

"That mom is expecting you," Alice answered, then rolled her eyes. "This is going to be quite entertaining."

"I'm not sure I like the fact that you seem to know more about my own business than I do Alice," Bella said with narrowed eyes as she stepped inside.

"Stop overreacting," Alice countered. "No one is teaming up against you and besides,_ I'm_ not the one you need to be worrying about right now." Then she pointed upstairs.

Without another glance at either of us, Bella brushed past her and disappeared up the stairs. I shifted uncomfortably and looked down at Alice who assessed me in mock amusement before leading me toward the kitchen.

"You look like you could do with a drink," she said and I was taken aback by the unusual sense of a peace treaty from her.

"I really don't think I can stomach anything," I answered. "But thanks."

She still opened the refrigerator though and pulled out a container of pastries.

"Sausage roll?"

"I don't eat meat."

"Oh yeah…..I remember hearing something about that," she smiled jokingly and I knew by the look of mischief on her face, exactly what she had heard. "What else can I offer you?"

"I'm ok, really."

"Sooo, what are you guys going to do?" She asked as she hopped onto a stool opposite me.

"If you're referring to Bella and me…."

"What else," she interrupted, rolling her eyes. "Yes, I'm asking about your plans for you and Bella once you become our brother." And then she winked.

"I'm sorry I don't share your amusement," I muttered sarcastically. "And I don't know. We haven't gotten that far yet."

"Hmmm," Alice said, biting into a sausage roll. "If it matters any…I don't think it's a big deal."

I was almost blindsided by what seemed like support from her.

"It's not like you're related so it's not gross and besides, you guys will be eighteen soon. Who cares about what people think? They'll find a reason to talk about you anyway. When you guys go off to college, no one will know you and you'll be free of all the drama back here."

I was stunned to say the least. Alice was actually trying to give me advice in _favor _of my relationship with her sister and much to my surprise I found myself liking her perspective. If she was so understanding about it, then maybe Emmett and Jasper might be as well, and fuck everybody else.

"You really don't think it's weird?"

She let out a short laugh then. "I didn't say it wasn't weird. It's not a situation I'd want to end up in. God knows I've had my fair share of gossip to deal with already, but so has Bella and I'm afraid that the attention might, well….it will be hard for her to cope. So from that angle you're gonna have your hands full. The rest of it however, I don't care about because like I said, you're not really related. So what I'm trying to say is, if you _do _decide to go ahead with this, I can help…with Bella I mean. You have my support."

And just like that, Alice had become my ally and I couldn't resist a wide smile of thanks for her.

"But guess what," she leaned over then and suddenly all the camaraderie vanished from her eyes. "If after all that, you still turn around and screw shit up…..my previous threat still stands."

And then we were back.

She didn't even realize how significant that statement of hers was. She was trying to be brave and protective of her sister because I figured that was always her role to play, but she had hit the nail on the head and I cringed inwardly as her words struck home. I was Edward Cullen and therefore the chances of me fucking up were more real than she knew…despite my willingness at that point to face the family situation with Bella.

"Well what do you know. Jasper's actually a lucky prick after all," I said in an attempt to deflect the attention away from me. "You're not half bad Alice."

Although she tried to look all threatening and shit, she couldn't resist a smug smile of appreciation.

Just then the sound of heavy footsteps rang out from the upstairs and I glanced up at the ceiling nervously. A door slammed and then the footsteps came running down the wooden flight of stairs in a hurry. Bella materialized behind me with a tear stained face, all red and adorable and very much like a tormented little child right then and when I saw her I felt the insurmountable urge to go to her and hug her. So I did.

"She's coming down to talk to you," she cried as I cradled her head against my chest. I was less nervous than before thanks to the little pep talk from Alice. I took a deep breath and looked into Bella's face. It was obvious where her head and her heart were at. She wanted me, no matter what, so the least I could have done was stand with her and hold our ground.

How odd.

Just a few short weeks ago, girls were the enemy. I had learned to hate them with a deep seated, unconquerable passion and all of a sudden there I was ready to fight for this girl, and to make things right in her world again; except for one important thing. I was still tormented by the significance of my feelings for her and as we stood together and waited for Esme to come downstairs, a fleeting thought crossed my mind. If I had already resigned myself to never having the capacity to love her, what the fuck was I doing standing there with her in preparedness for battle? I sighed heavily and ran my fingers through my hair, trying to calm the mental storm that pulled me in two directions at the same.

Confliction was definitely one of the most nauseating human conditions that I'd ever been acquainted with.

Her mother appeared on the staircase then and pinned her lips together.

"Hello Edward," she acknowledged me with a grim expression. "The sitting room."

Bella and I sat on the couch together opposite her in an armchair. The woman was pretty, but that day her features were drawn with stress and wrought irritation.

"Obviously Bella is very upset," she started with a pointed stare at her daughter. "For more reasons than one, but for the moment, I will stick to the current issue at hand. Tell me what's on your mind Edward."

I took a deep breath and saw Bella look at me out of the corner of my eye. "I uh….well, it's complicated. I'm not entirely sure what it means for Bella and me, but if you're ok with it. I'd like to continue seeing her, despite…." I was having difficulty and I knew that Bella sensed it immediately. I sounded like I was asking for permission, as if all the fight had left me and I had to bend my head and stare into my lap just so that I could avoid Bella's eyes.

"I see," Esme answered. "I thought you would say that and as I'm sure you know, she's very adamant about the way she feels about you." I raised my head to Esme and tried to focus on her confidently, tried to be the person that Bella thought and hoped that I was. I shifted uncomfortably; feeling beads of sweat dampen my forehead and the back of my neck as Bella started to fidget noticeably next to me under the weight of the pressure.

"The thing is Edward," Esme continued. "And she'll be upset with me for saying this. Whereas I will not attempt to weigh the two relationships on a scale and decide which is more relevant, I am concerned about the longevity of yours. Your father and I are very serious about each other and marriage is not a light step, especially after my recent divorce. You have to understand that this decision was not made recklessly. I am a very realistic woman and if your father was able to convince me to marry him after the bout I just went through with Bella's father, then it has to be obvious the way we feel about each other. I am not sure that I am willing to experience the spectacle that your continued relationship with Bella will create once your father and I get married. Even though the wedding is not for a long time again, I'm sure you can appreciate how serious this is."

"We know it's serious Esme," Bella retorted. "We haven't laughed at this yet."

Esme shot Bella a disparaging look, then turned back to me. "Can you honestly tell me…."

"This is unbelievable," Bella sat forward. "I still can't wrap my head around it. How long have you even known Carlisle? There is so much that's wrong with this. I don't even know where to start! And I can't believe you're trying to break us up. Edward is the only good thing that has happened to me in so long I can't remember and you _know_ that and still; you'd have me let him go, because you want to avoid a scandal!"

"Bella please calm down," Esme urged. "And I haven't told you to break up yet."

"Yet!" Bella cried out and threw her hands into the air. "How much more will you take away from me Esme?"

"Bella," Esme gasped in shock and shot a hand up to her throat, but Bella never flinched or backed down. "I am not trying to take anything away from you."

"But nevertheless you do, don't you? Without even trying. It's always about you."

I saw that Esme was hurting and I started to feel rather uncomfortable and out of place as the argument started to evolve into a personal monster that had nothing to do with me anymore.

"Everything I do is for your well being Bella and whether or not you agree with my methods does not negate the fact that I am your mother and I have to do what I think is best for you and Alice. This move and everything about it was for you."

"Everything about it like what? Because as far as I can tell you're the one reaping all the benefits of a new life, and Alice to a certain extent but that's only because she's good at adapting. And after I've finally found the one thing to make _me_ happy out here, you go and spoil it for me."

There was nothing else I could do but sit in stony silence and bite down on my jaw. Nothing I could have done or said would have helped the situation any, so I just listened and logged the various tormented expressions that rolled off of a very expressive Esme.

"Everything like a new place to live," Esme went on. "A new school with new friends… a new car…"

"Oh please! That was a bribe!"

Major cringing on my part right about then.

"It was certainly not a _bribe_ Bella."

I held my breath and felt every single pore rise on my body as I waited for the next bomb to explode.

"Of course it was!" Bella shrieked. "You could have gotten any regular thing for us to ride to school with, but you went with the most ostentatious thing because you knew that Alice would fall head over heels in love with it, leaving me with no choice but to…"

"Isabella Swan you have _no_ idea what you're talking about!" Esme interrupted authoritatively.

"How did you even afford it?"

"Listen to me," Esme cut her off again with a raised hand and deadly looking eyes. "I'm not getting into that right now. We'll talk about that another time if you want to. Right now we have a much bigger issue to deal with and that's your relationship with Edward."

Bella threw her weight into the back of the couch then and folded her arms against her chest like a stubborn and unbendable child.

"So what would you have us do?" She demanded. "What is it you want from us?"

"What I want_,_ is for you to be _absolutely_ sure," Esme said, regaining some of her composure. "Be completely and irretrievably, one hundred percent certain that Edward is the one for you Bella, because you're risking the reputation and comfort of a lot of people involved with the scandal that will erupt from this. What I'm trying to get you two to _really_ consider is the possibility that it may not work out between you two and if it doesn't, then it would have all been for nothing. You're only seventeen years old for heaven's sake! How can you be so sure about each other? Do whatever you have to do to figure it out, but be _absolutely_ honest with yourselves. It's not just the four of us involved in this. There's also Alice and Emmett to think about. Everybody will be affected and the onus is on the two of you to make the right decision."

So the ball had been thrown in our court with a shitload of responsibility bolted to it and as much as I wanted to argue against her points in my head, she was right. She and Carlisle wanted to get married, whereas Bella and I were still in an awkward place in our relationship, most of all me. I was still running from the idea of falling in love with her and the fact that I doubted myself at all had to mean something important. I looked over at Bella worriedly then, saying way too much with my eyes, doubting the strength of everything between us all of a sudden and really hating the idea of dragging our both families down with us. The pressure of that kind of responsibility alone was enough to put relentless strain on our relationship and what if we couldn't survive it?

She saw it in my eyes immediately; the doubt, the questions, the guilt, the apology and I nearly stopped breathing when I saw it register in hers. All the hope for us and the defiance for her mother that she had in her eyes were replaced with shock, hurt and unbridled disillusionment. She turned away from me and shot a dreadfully accusing look at Esme.

"I hope you're happy," she bit out in a cold, flat tone that chilled me right through to the bone. "You've gotten what you wanted. Now I have nothing left to give."

"_Bella_," both Esme and I said in unison, but she got up and hurried out of the room stiffly with her head held down.

"Oh my God," I said with closed eyes as I bent over and buried my face in my hand.

"What is she talking about?" Esme asked. "What just happened?"

I sighed heavily and shook my head, taking a while to adjust my faculties to the overwhelming stress of everything. When I eventually looked up, Esme was sitting rigidly, perched on the edge of her seat with a worried look on her face.

"She thinks I have just given up on us," I answered the question in her eyes. "And that I have given into you."

"Why would she think that?"

"Because she sensed it and read it on my face."

She sat back in her chair and frowned pensively at me. I didn't have the energy to move anymore. I just sat there, feeling lousy and stupid and like an unchangeable prick, hating myself again for being much less than worthy of Bella's devotion. I didn't_ want_ to give up on her, not in a million years, but things were just so fucking screwed up and complicated; and how the fuck did she really expect me to react so soon after learning about all of this anyway?

_Geez!_

"She read it on your face?" Esme asked. "When? I didn't see anything."

"I don't know how to explain it," I ran my fingers through my hair. "We're close. She knows how to read me." I shrugged.

She stared at me silently for another minute or so.

"Exactly how close are you Edward?"

I straightened my back briskly then and shifted my eyes away from hers uncomfortably.

"Well, we haven't…uh…."

"I'm not talking about sex," she pointed out quickly. "Edward, do you know about Bella and her father?"

"Ah," I sighed in relief - that. "Yes. I know everything."

She narrowed her eyes skeptically at me.

"Everything?"

I nodded with measured intensity in my stare to match hers and managed to convince her without having to explain with words.

"And what is your opinion about it?" She asked after a long stare out.

"I don't like it," I sighed and threw my body back into the couch. "I think she needs help, but she's stubborn."

I couldn't believe it when I saw a small but brief smile tug at the corners of her mouth.

"So we agree. Have you really given up then?" She asked and I was unsure about whether or not I should be talking to Esme about this part.

"I didn't say that," I shook my head at her warily.

"I know, but I'm asking. You have to believe me when I say that despite what she thinks about me right now, I have no desire to hurt Bella. It kills me that she is hurt and that once again I am the culprit. I don't _want_ to hear you say that you have given up on her. In fact, that would hurt me very much too, especially with the way she seems so attached to you, but the situation is…." she shook her head agonizingly and took a pause. "I'm not saying that I want you to break it off with her Edward, even though that's what she thinks. I only asked that you be sure about each other before we go spiraling into a very unpleasant and unnecessary ordeal that could very well be avoided from the start. But Edward, if you're _sure_, if you're absolutely sure about my Bella, then you have my word that your father and I will stand behind you one hundred percent, no matter what. But you need to be sure and that's something that needs to be figured out."

I nodded sullenly with trained eyes on her, feeling not even remotely comforted by her declaration of conditional support, though perhaps it was something.

"Is it ok if I just sit here for a while?" I asked as a wave of exhaustion pulled me under. I'd have to call Emmett for a ride home and I wasn't particularly in the mood to deal with Rosalie. She got to her feet and touched my injured shoulder gently before leaving me.

"Stay as long as you want," she answered sympathetically. "If you need anything, please feel free to raid the kitchen."

I sat there much longer than I intended, alone with my thoughts, with my misery and with the reality that I had hurt Bella yet again. The sitting room eventually went dark as the sun set but I never bothered trying to find the lights, preferring the darkness and the quiet so that I could withdraw into myself. The time for my pain killers had come and gone and my shoulder had started to bother me with a thousand needle like pricking sensations.

I dropped my head back against the couch in silent protest and when the pain got progressively harder to ignore, I decided that it was time to call Emmett for a ride back. I thought about Bella upstairs in her room, probably curled up on her bed, crying and pissed off with the world, and most of all me. I had let her down big fucking time. I told her that I would be there for her and I had sent her millions of messages through my body language that we would fight this thing together, and low and behold, the moment I was required to investigate the sanctity of my heart, I chickened the fuck out and left her hanging. But then I had to figure that maybe it was better after all, despite the rebelling instinct in me to take it all back and tell her that I was sorry….again. Maybe it would be less painful early on rather than pan it out and have it hurt more later. I didn't know. I was a mess of mental turmoil and it didn't matter what I told myself, nothing made me feel any less of a prick.

In the hours I sat there alone in her sitting room I tried to muster the courage to tell her that maybe we should consider the idea of calling it quits, for the sake of the family and just for the fucking sake of avoiding all the goddamned drama. I hated fucking drama. Alice had also made a good point earlier on about college. In one year, we might have to split up anyway and I wasn't even sure that I _wanted_ to go to college in the first place. The idea of skipping town with The Nomads for a while had appealed to me and putting thousands of indefinite miles between us was not a good idea, especially with a girl like Bella.

The kind of intensity that encircled us all the time was such a thick fucking web that it was easy to ignore the rest of the world and to get sucked into our own little universe, but it wasn't reality. Esme and Carlisle getting married was reality and the fucking scandal would be reality…so what the fuck was I thinking?

Bella was sugar and spice and everything nice; built for love, built for passion, built for _marriage _and a nice house with kids someday. She certainly didn't deserve to be dragged through another family disaster and I certainly didn't want to be the one responsible for it. Yet of course, at the same time I rebuked the idea of completely letting her go and of allowing someone else the chance to step in and take my place. As much as I didn't deserve to have her, I knew I would want to kill the man that did.

I pulled my cell phone out of my jeans pocket as I felt the pain in my shoulder swell and spread across my back. It was getting really fucking hard to breathe and I needed to get home to take the weak ass pain killers. Emmett answered.

"Let me guess. You're ready for me to come chauffeur your ass."

"I've had a rough day Emmett," I chided. "Can you come or not?"

"Sure. I'll be there in a while," he said, then hung up. Since the conversation with Esme, no one had come looking for me in the sitting room, so I assumed that Esme didn't tell Bella or Alice that I was still there. Hoping that the kitchen was abandoned, I headed toward it for a glass of water, but midway across the hallway I had to stop and brace my shoulder with my left hand. I bore my teeth and winced audibly as a significant welt of pain claimed the entire area. Water was suddenly the best idea I'd had all evening, so I made my way into the kitchen hurriedly when a ghastly sight stopped me dead in my tracks. Bella was already in the kitchen with her back to me, leaning over the kitchen sink with her left hand clutched tightly over her right shoulder; and it looked an awful lot like she was writhing in pain.

I looked down at my left hand on my own shoulder then and dropped it before returning my focus to her back. With furrowed brows and a held breath, I stared at her, dumb struck and frozen in time as her body language said something to me. In the next few seconds another sharp welt of pain sliced through my shoulder and stiffened my neck; and just like a lifelike mirror, I saw her respond to every sensation I felt with _her_ own body. She squeezed her shoulder, sucked in a loud mouthful of air, then bent further into the kitchen sink. The next thing she did confirmed it to me. She rolled her head back in response to the discomfort in her neck…my neck…._fuck!_ After a short while she dropped her left hand to the sink, shook her head from side to side then turned around unsuspectingly.

"Edward!" she gasped, with wide horror stricken eyes and blatant panic that sold her out immediately. "I thought you were gone! Wha…what are you doing here?"

I swallowed against the starch dryness in my mouth and took a careful step forward, making sure to keep my eyes securely locked on hers. It was only then I realized that she had her hair pulled up into a ponytail and had that moment been any different, I would have taken the opportunity to roam with my eyes over the creamy porcelain skin of her slender neck and to appreciate the softness of her hair at her temples and the areas behind her ears.

"I've been here all along," I said to her seriously. "I never left."

"What? But why, and how come I didn't know?"

"I don't know," I continued to move forward with slow calculated steps, and I saw her eyes jump nervously all over my face. "Your mother said it was ok for me to sit for a while. I needed to think."

She bit down on her bottom lip next, grabbed on to the hem of her t-shirt and started to twirl the ends of it around her fingers.

"So you were here all this time?" She asked in an unsteady voice then gulped.

"Yes."

I let my eyes drop to her right shoulder and when she noticed, she turned her body away from me slightly and attempted nonchalance.

"Are you hungry?" She asked, in an unnaturally squeaky tone. "I was about to get myself something to eat."

I was starving, but nothing was more important than addressing what needed addressing right then.

"What's wrong with your shoulder, Bella?" I asked.

"Nothing," she said, and she flipped her ponytail over her shoulder with a flick of her head and walked over to the fridge.

"So why do you look like you're in pain?"

She spun around and I saw the first hints of agitation in her eyes.

"You really shouldn't sneak up on people like that, Edward. You scared me." She slammed the fridge shut and drew a series of clinking sounds from the inside.

"Don't change the subject."

"I'm not," she squared off with me. "There is nothing wrong with my shoulder. I have stomach cramps. That's why I was hanging over the sink like that. It hurts."

Again with the stomach cramps crap. I remembered earlier that day in my bathroom when I found her doubled over in pain. She was holding on to her shoulder then too, right when I was having trouble with mine. I had overlooked it then, but I wasn't going to be so forgiving the second time around.

"Stomach cramps? Then why were you squeezing your shoulder like that?"

"I don't know Edward." She got defensive and shifted her eyes away from mine. "So what, I was holding my shoulder. Big deal."

If it was no big deal she'd have laughed about it or looked confused at my questions, instead of preparing herself for battle.

"You're very defensive."

"Because you're giving me the third degree."

"Bullshit."

"Excuse me?"

"You're lying to me."

"You're an arrogant asshole and you don't know everything."

"I know enough to know pain when I see it, and you were holding on to your shoulder and gasping for air. You weren't holding your stomach."

She glared at me then and folded her arms tightly across her chest, and even though I felt my shoulder protest and wail on me, she never showed any discomfort in hers after that. I figured she was stifling it inside and trying to prove a point to me.

"It doesn't matter anyway," she retorted.

"Yes it does."

"Why?"

"You're trying to change the subject again."

"Oh get off it Edward," she snapped. "You're making a big deal out of nothing."

"Oh really..." I took another step forward, and admittedly, I was impressed by her defiance and her show of strength. It was hard for me to hold in the pain. I badly wanted to smother my shoulder in all sorts of swaddling shit just to cushion it, but there she was, standing with a straight face, sucking it in bravely.

I knew she wouldn't admit it easily, not after what had happened earlier with Esme. She was upset with me and had probably been working herslf up all evening in her room. But I needed to hear her to say it. I needed to get it out into the open even if I had to do it with force.

So, I started to undo the strap on my sling.

She was horrified. Her eyes widened in worry and she bit down on her jaw determinedly.

"What are you doing?" She bit out.

I kept my eyes trained on her to see her reaction. She was not going to get away from this. I pulled the sling away and the moment my arm dropped out of the sling, a sharp pain shot up my arm, through my shoulder and across my back. I gasped instinctively and bared my teeth as the heat of the sting coursed through me.

"Oh my God!" She shrieked, her entire body stiffening in retaliation. She bolted her both arms down against her sides and glared at me contentiously.

"Edward, Stop it!"

"Stop what?" I winced through the throbbing. Fuck, it hurt. It felt as if the joint would dislocate again just from the dead weight of my arm alone.

"You're going to create a scene," she whispered harshly as her eyes welled up with water. Her entire face began to flush, but she refused to budge. She stayed rigid with her arms pressed to her sides and her fists balled into tight knots.

"Well," I challenged her further. "Since that didn't work, maybe this will?"

I went to the sink, pulled a steak knife out of the dish rack and turned to face her. She glared at me harder and her tears started flowing freely.

"Edward," she ground out through clenched teeth. "What that_ hell_ are you going to do with that?"

"Talk to me," I answered, but she only stood there, motionless and as pale as a stiff corpse.

I moved closer to her, trying my best to stomach the pain that was claiming new parts of my body and raised the knife in clear view; giving her yet another chance to explain. When she didn't say anything, I bit my tongue and pressed the blade of the knife to the inside of my right palm. I dragged that fucker against my skin until a line of blood rolled out, watching her hand for a reaction.

She was squeezing that fist so hard her knuckles went stark white. Her eyes were shut tight, her breathing was labored and the stream of tears running down her cheeks started to drip off her chin and onto her chest.

"Bella," I whispered, and dropped the knife to the floor. "Please, just say it."

"There's nothing to say," she cried, hoarsely.

"Even with me standing right here in front of you and seeing it with my own eyes? There's still nothing to say?"

"Leave it alone, Edward, please," she plead. That sounded like admission, but it still wasn't enough.

I had to hear it for myself. I had to make her say it. It was too important to be left to guess work, too surreal to be ignored, and just too fucking amazing for it to be kept from me.

She had the ability to drive me stark steering mad and I found myself getting angrier and angrier when she wouldn't just come out and say it. I couldn't take it anymore and maybe the stress of everything that evening made it worse, but I had made up my mind that I was not leaving that house without the truth.

So I did the next craziest thing. I made the pain so unbearable that she wouldn't be able to hide it from me.

"That's it," I bit out. "You're making me do this."

"Edward, you have to stop," she cried. "You're hurting yourself."

"I won't fucking stop until you talk to me. You can stop this if you want to, but you won't. So, either you watch and go through it with me, or you tell me the truth right now."

Then I stormed over to the wall and started slamming my injured shoulder against it.

She grabbed onto her mouth and screamed into her hand when the pain burst out in blinding torrents. I stopped breathing. The room started closing in and I lost all feeling in my legs. We slumped to the floor simultaneously, both in pain, both buckling and twisting with our shoulders tightly in grasp. She skated backward on her butt until she was backed against the fridge with her face pressed into her clutched shoulder, shaking and sobbing.

"_I can't fucking believe it_," I gasped, in shock. I stared at her shaking form disbelievingly, pressing the back of my head into the wall behind me as I struggled to overcome the pain. The appropriate words to express that moment never came. All I could do was swear over and over again.

"Fuck," I panted, between my gasping for air. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

"Yes," she cried out into the space between us. "You got me to say it, okay! Yes... it's true."

She sobbed forlornly as she rode out the emotional wave alongside me, though we were across the room form each other. A serious fear snagged me then and my own eyes welled up with water. I swallowed against the tears, both frightened and awed, as I wondered how long she had been hiding it from me. If she was connected to me in the same peculiar way she was connected to Charlie, then…._fuck_. It had to have meant that her attachment to me went a lot deeper than I suspected. It had to mean that...she loved me...

I had no idea what to do, what to say or where to go to from there. All I could do was stare at her in shock and dig my fingers into my shoulder. Just then my cell started to beep in my back pocket. I pulled myself off the floor heavily and struggled to get it out, never breaking my eye contact with her.

"Emmett," I answered, staring at her still.

"Let's go," he responded. "I'm outside."

"I need a few more minutes," I said.

"You said you were ready."

"I am….I was. I need a few more minutes. Something just happened."

"Are you fucking the Swan girl?" He laughed out. "That's classic."

"Shut the fuck up, Emmett. Everything is not a joke. I'm coming. Please wait."

"You're _cumming?"_ He sneered suggestively, just to be an ass. When I refused to acknowledge his callousness, he laughed.

"You have five minutes, then I'm peeling out."

"Isn't Rosalie with you?"

"Yes why?"

"So come inside and hang out with Alice for a bit," I said, staring into Bella's teary eyes. "I really need to deal with something right now."

"Look, Cullen…."

"Emmett, please," I pleaded with him, closing my eyes briefly to sort him out in my mind. "I know I'm a pain in the ass lately, but come on."

"Lately?" He joked. "Ten minutes tops, Cullen, and I'm not kidding. I have better things to do than sit in front of your girlfriend's house and wait for your ass."

"Thanks."

I bent over then, picked up the knife off the floor, hauled it into the trash then squatted in front of her on the floor.

"Will you help me?" I asked her softly. She blinked and a fresh tear rolled down her cheek. My heart buckled when I saw the unhappiness on her face. She frowned slightly then.

"With my sling," I explained. "Help me put it back on."

She got onto her knees and shuffled over to the sling on the floor then came back to me. Without words, she gently placed my arm back inside and strapped it securely to my chest. She was so close I could smell her hair, and a few times her forehead touched my nose as she moved about me, but she didn't raise her face to mine. I was about to touch her cheek when she stood up and went to get some paper towels to wipe the drops of blood that had fallen from my hand to the floor. Then she took one and pressed it to the inside of my palm, shaking her head mournfully as she did it. I swallowed hard and watched her as she tended to me, fighting the urge to pull her into the hug that would have made it all better.

"Thanks," I said, when she was finished. She shrugged and kept her eyes averted from mine, then tossed the soiled towels into the bin.

"I'll be back," she said and walked out of the kitchen. Alice breezed by the corridor and went out through the front door. I looked at her amble down the front path through the kitchen window, toward Emmett and Rosalie in the jeep. Bella reappeared soon after with a small tube and box of plasters in her hand.

"You don't have to do all that," I said, but I didn't pull away when she took my hand in hers and started dabbing some of the ointment onto the cut, then covered the area with three small plasters. I flexed my fingers to show her that she had made me all better and she managed a weak smile for me. My heart started swelling in my chest again and because I couldn't resist the urge anymore, I pulled her against me with my good arm and held for as long as she let me.

"I understand why you didn't tell me," I said, against the top of her head. "You didn't want me to freak out. You thought it would scare me away."

She sighed into my chest and nodded, and her admission drove the reality into me even harder. This was actually happening. This was real.

"Bella, we need to talk about this."

She pulled away from me quickly and looked up at me.

"We don't have to talk about anything," she said, in a horse voice. "What's done is done and it's not your fault, so you don't have to feel obligated to talk about it. I'm accustomed. You can go on as usual and I will handle it. You don't need to feel pressured by this. You won't even know."

"What the hell are you talking about? Of course I'll know. And who said anything about feeling obligated? Fuck, Bella, as if I'll be able to think about anything else after this."

"Edward," she sighed. "I know how you feel about it so you don't have to.…"

"Do you?"

"Yes," she answered. "I know you don't like it. And what I saw in your eyes earlier this evening, when talking ot Esme...I get it. It'll be hard for me, but I will handle it."

"Handle what?" I was partially confused.

"Stop pretending like you don't know what I'm talking about," she said, folding her arms across her chest. Movement was much better now that my arm was back in the sling and I finally realized how fucking useful the thing was.

"Don't humiliate me by making me say it out loud?" She said.

Ok, so maybe I sort of knew what she talking about, but I really fucking wanted to pretend like it had never happened, especially after what just happened.

"Bella, please don't jump to conclusions. What you thought you saw was nothing."

"I'm not jumping to conclusions," she said, flatly. "Say what you want, but what I saw on your face today told me everything I needed to know. Please don't lie to me. That will only make it worse. I know you're terrified of all this and of me. I know I'm a lot to deal with. I get it, trust me. I understand."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I said, raising my hand. I tried to pull her back toward me but she resisted and took two steps backward.

"It's ok, Edward. I told you before. I'm not as fragile as you think I am."

"Clearly, you're not. I'm surely figuring that out."

"So, you don't need to feel obligated to stay with me because you're worried about what just happened. I know how to deal with it by myself. I've always dealt with it by myself."

Well I'd be damned. All evening I sat in her sitting room battling with the decision to break it to her gently, finding every reason in the world why it didn't make sense for us to be together, why it was better for us to be apart. Then there she was breaking up with me before I even had the chance to scold myself for being so hasty and stupid in thought.

I didn't expect that she'd be the one to switch it up on me and take the plunge herself. Suddenly, it was happening and I felt myself resisting it like it was the end of my world. Even more terrifying was the look of finality and surrender in her eyes, like to her it was already over and she was coming to terms with it. I couldn't find a single shred of doubt or hesitation in those brown eyes, and it made my wretched gut twist in despair.

"I never said that I wanted to break up with you, Bella," I found myself saying, and even though it was the truth, she knew I had battled with the decision that evening.

"You didn't have to say it, Edward," she answered. "And then you sat on my couch for two hours, probably torturing yourself with how you were going to break the news to me. I'm not stupid, and I happen to be close enough to you to know when you're uncomfortable and freaked out."

"Why are you doing this?" Suddenly I was panicking. _She_ was breaking up with _me_?

"Because it's too much for you," she answered.

"Why the hell don't you let _me _decide what's too much for me?"

"Then it's too much for me..." she answered, and dropped her eyes to the floor.

"What?"

"I can't be with you like this," she said. "I'm always afraid of losing you, always terrified that I'm way too intense or too complicated, too involved or too much in…." her voice trailed off.

"Too much in what?"

She pushed a harsh breath of air out of her mouth then swallowed.

"Emmett is outside," she choked out. "You have to go."

"Too much in what, Bella?" I pressed her.

"It's doesn't matter now." She was being brave, but her eyes didn't match the stone cold tone in her voice anymore and I knew my girl better than she gave me credit for. She was hiding again, running from her own feelings and I knew how to recognize it because I was guilty of the same thing. I knew she was doing it because she thought it was what _I _wanted, and because she was trying to protect herself from me doing it to her.

"I don't want you to do this, Bella." I turned her face back to mine with a finger to her chin. "Let's talk about it tomorrow, or I'll call you later tonight. We have to talk about what happened here in this kitchen and about what it means."

"It doesn't mean anything."

"It means _everything_," I corrected her, sternly.

"Edward, I'm not going to let you stay with me because you're feeling sorry for me."

"That's not how I feel. Stop trying to tell me how I feel. You know that's not true."

"No, I don't," she bit out. "I don't know that. You're sending me mixed signals here. I don't…"

The front door opened and slammed just then and a few seconds later, Alice appeared in the kitchen with a raised eyebrow and her hands on her hips.

"So, Emmett's ready," Alice said.

"Leave, Edward," Bella urged, walking away from me.

"I'll call you when I get home," I told her.

"I'll be sleeping."

"Then we'll talk about it in school tomorrow." I tried being the dominant one but it wasn't working. She just shrugged and turned her red rimmed, swollen eyes toward the kitchen window. I worried about a host of ridiculous things all of a sudden, like if she would disappear on me, or if she would start avoiding me, or if we were really breaking up….

I wouldn't be able to handle that, especially after what had just happened.

"Bella," I walked over toward her. "School tomorrow," I emphasized, for safe measure.

"School tomorrow," she repeated, and I lowered my face to kiss her. She didn't pull away when I pressed my lips on hers, but she didn't respond the way she usually did either. The only thing worse than no kiss at all was an empty, unresponsive one. I missed her already. Right there on that very spot with her halfway in my arms, I was missing her. But more frightening than that was the sense that I had already started losing her.

**A/N: Sooo, he found out...review!**


	30. Chapter 30 He Loves Me He Loves Me Not

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**Chapter 30**

**He Loves Me; He Loves Me Not...**

Plunged once again into the pit of depression, I pulled on my jeans and flat footed boots for school. I hadn't spoken to Esme since our fight the day before and I had planned to avoid her as much as I could. Strangely enough, Charlie actually called me after my horrible ordeal with Edward and when I thought the call would have made me feel better, it actually made me feel worse.

He sounded like he was coming down from a high because his speech was slurred and his tone was scratchy. For the most part he was able to carry on a coherent conversation to let me know that he was fine and that he wasn't returning to Phoenix. I tried to persuade him to return of course, to reconsider the idea of rehab, and to try and get his job back but he rebuked the idea and I had to change the topic. Esme had given up on Charlie when she found out that he had fled Phoenix, saying that there was nothing she could do to help him if he didn't want to help himself.

Lately however, my days and my thoughts had been preoccupied with a new obsession, Edward, and on some level, it had helped to distract me from my incessant worrying about Charlie. That one phone call from him however, was enough to shove me right back into the familiar melancholy of missing and grieving for him especially in light of the fresh, emotional wounds that I had just suffered with Edward. I was sad and I was broken and hearing Charlie's voice was nothing but an additional push over the edge.

Edward had tried to deny it but it was clear in his eyes that he was torn between the idea of being with me and of giving in to the pressure from our parents. A part of me knew that his life would be a hell of a lot easier without me in it, but naturally, the selfish part of me wished that he would have cared enough to want the pressure so that he could be with me. I also knew that it was unfair of me to expect him to choose me over his family, and even if he had attempted to choose; rightfully, I should have lost. It was a torturous position to be in and even more so because of everything he had gone through with Carlisle. I certainly didn't want him to feel pressured to stay with me either, just because he didn't think I could handle the truth.

And yes, my pride had a lot to do with it. I had gotten angry, naturally, because I had tried to stay away from Edward in the beginning. I had anticipated the very pain that I was dealt and still, I allowed myself to be drawn to him like a moth to a licking flame.

I was also angry because I ended up feeling like a fool for having been so eager to jump into deep water with him without realizing that he was still firmly planted on the bank. After seeing that, I couldn't allow him to change my mind with his talk about him not wanting me to break up with him. I figured that he only said that because he panicked and because he was shocked by it. If Edward had wanted me nearly as much as I wanted him, he would not have hesitated. He'd have stared Esme straight in the eyes and refused to budge, like he did with his father. I was ready to face any kind of embarrassment and challenge for the sake of having him in my life. Impossibility was nothing with the way I felt about him but then he looked at me with that unbridled, conflicted torture in his eyes and the only thing my heart didn't do was splatter to pieces inside of my chest.

I had to look at it objectively though. The fact that Edward and I were together only a couple of weeks, even though our connection was intense, should have been an omen. I had fallen head over heels in love with him way too soon and if I didn't step on the breaks as if my life depended on it, I would have been in a lot more trouble than I already was. Esme had given us an ultimatum; be sure about each other or quit it for the family's sake. The first step in being absolutely sure had to have been love, and it was obvious that his lack of it was the source of his hesitation. I didn't even have the right to be upset with him about that, though it stung, because Edward had a right to his feelings and it wasn't something that he could change.

I even remembered what he had said about Rosalie about her pride being hurt by him and not her heart so much; and _sheesh_…I actually understood because surely my pride had taken half the fall. I hated likening myself to Rosalie, and even though I knew that we were worlds different, her case kept shoving itself in front of my face over and over again as if to say…. _"See?"_

Then there was what happened in the kitchen. I don't know _how _I didn't die from the pressure of him finding out the way he did. Already as it was, I was hurting over the decision to break up with him and him walking in on me trying to deal with his shoulder pain was the last straw. It was too much all of a sudden and I couldn't bloody well figure out if he was repulsed or amazed by it because all he did for the longest while was stare at me in shock. There was nothing else to do. The right decision was obvious and though it took a lot of guts, I had to do it. Ending it was for the best and he knew it too, despite his apparent rejection of the idea.

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I went into operation_ avoid Edward at school_ from Monday morning, the day right after. He had called me Sunday night when he got home but I didn't answer. He called again on Monday morning before school while I was getting ready, and as much as I ached to answer it, I ignored the call again.

With a vengeful look at the yellow Porsche, I followed Alice and got in. Something about that car nagged me and had been ever since we got it, though I didn't say anything because I had promised Alice to go easy on Esme. There was no mistaking the strangeness in Esme's tone when I tried to attack her about the Porsche and I noticed the way she shoved it aside hastily so that we could revert to disagreeing about Edward.

"So what's the verdict?" Alice asked as she reversed down our drive.

"I'm surprised you don't already know," I replied, turning my gaze out the window.

"You're upset with me," she sulked. "The only reason I didn't tell you about the engagement was because mom made me promise not to, but I warned her that if she didn't tell you soon,_ I_ would. I didn't like keeping it from you Bella, but she was scared."

"Scared about what exactly?"

"Scared that you would react like this."

"It doesn't matter anyway. She can do whatever the hell she wants. She got what she wanted from Edward and me, so now she can have her pretty little wedding and live happily ever after. _Good luck_ _Carlisle_."

Alice sighed.

"I understand that you're upset and I would be too, but you have to accept it. It won't go away."

"Oh," I retorted. "Like I had a choice."

"She is willing to let you guys stay together."

"Ha," I snorted disdainfully. "No she's not, Alice. She gave us the most impossible ultimatum to work with. How in the hell are we supposed to live up to that after being together only two weeks? She knew we would buckle under the pressure…."

"You buckled?" I saw her glance at me from the corner of my eye. "What do you mean by …you buckled?"

"Edward and I broke up."

She stopped talking and drove in silence for a short while.

"I'm not happy to hear that," she said eventually.

"I thought you would be," I glanced at her, mildly surprised. "You hate Edward."

"I don't hate him Bella," she snorted. "I was cautious about him and still am, but I specifically told him that he had my support where your relationship is concerned."

"You told him _what_?" I whipped my body across to face her.

"Yesterday," she continued. "When you were upstairs fighting with Esme. He was noticeably stunned by the whole thing and I told him what I had told you a few days ago. It shouldn't matter if our parents get married because you two aren't related. I told him that I didn't care and that I would stand behind you guys if it's what you wanted."

I was impressed and touched by her show of support, but alas, it was too little too late because we were broken up and no words from Alice could change the bigger picture. Edward was freaked out and we would surely be step brother and sister some day. I shrugged then and turned my gaze back out the window.

"It doesn't matter now anyway. It's over."

"So _you_ broke up with him?"

"Yes."

"Because I don't think that Edward would ever have broken up with you."

I gave her a sideways, narrow glance.

"See that's where you're wrong. There is a lot you don't know, trust me."

"I may not know everything Bella, but my instincts are almost always right on target and you know that. I saw something in him yesterday that I hadn't seen before. He might be a confused and sordid character, but he's completely taken with you, to the point where he looks tortured by it."

I shifted my body uncomfortably and shook my head dismally.

"That's just it," I said softly. "He's tortured and I don't need to feel like I'm torturing him. His heart is conflicted Alice; and whereas I know exactly what it is I want…he doesn't."

"Well, I hope you know what you're doing Bella, because honestly, I've never seen you happier than when you're with Edward. As much I hated to admit it at first, I actually think he's good for you."

She pulled into the school parking lot then and like a reflex, I started scanning the lot for his car and was half disappointed when I didn't see it. Carlisle had a problem with him driving with his injury, so I guessed that he would have needed Emmett for a ride to school.

That's when I saw them. Emmett's jeep was parked next to Rosalie's red Mercedez and the three of them and Jasper were leaning against the jeep waiting for the bell to call. My heart started to race in my chest and I pulled my eyes away from the silhouette of him leaning lazily against the jeep with his head bent down and his legs crossed at his ankles. His wounded arm was still in the sling on the inside of his open jacket.

I glanced over at him again when Alice got out of the car and for a few moments, our eyes met. He pushed off the jeep and straightened up, then pushed the fingers of his good hand through his hair. The only distraction from the pull of his gaze was to fumble with my bag and the door on my way out.

"Will I see you at lunch?" Alice asked as she walked around to my side.

"Um," I panicked when I saw Edward making his way over to us. "No, I have some stuff to do in the library. Meet you after school. Bye."

I took off in a hurry toward the main building, but of course he was faster than I was…._who wasn't_, and he intercepted me just before I made it through the doors.

"Why are you running from me?" He demanded with confused and hurt eyes. He smelled just as intoxicating as ever and I could tell that he had just smoked because the tobacco came off him in a crisp, warm aroma mixed in perfectly with his musk and dewy scent. I should have hated him for the way he affected me.

"I have to get to class," I responded to him unsteadily with unfocused eyes that darted everywhere.

"You're being ridiculous," he grunted as he shoved his hand into his hair again. I exhaled with puffed cheeks and looked down at my booted feet.

"So that's it?" He asked. "Just like that? You break up with me and we're never going to talk again?"

I tried to shrug it off and to act like I was in control but my insides were knotted into a tangled mess of nervous anxiety. The hurt inflection in his voice tugged at my heart strings and I had to hold on to the last smidgen of reserve I had left in me.

"Why are you angry with me?" He asked when I didn't respond to him, though it was more that I _couldn't_ respond. I didn't know what to say.

"I'm not angry with you," I sighed, though that was a partial lie. "I just think it's better that we stay away from each other for a while, just at first. It's too hard being around you."

"Look at me," he said and though I kept my eyes averted, I knew he stepped closer to me. "Bella, look at me."

_Damn him and his charm, his voice, his scent, his eyes, his perfection….damn him right to hell_, I thought miserably.

"What?" I bit out impatiently as I shifted my eyes to his.

"I told you already," he said. "I can't stay away from you. You can't ask that of me. This is insane."

"You just have to," I answered.

"You can't just decide this for us without talking to me about it properly. I'm involved in this too. I should have a say."

"You already understand everything you need to."

"I don't understand shit. What about what happened in your kitchen yesterday? Are you just going to ignore it?"

I shut my eyes tightly and the beginnings of a headache started to infringe. "Just leave it alone Edward."

"Just leave it alone?" He was getting angry. "Something _that_ important and you expect me to just forget about it? As if it never happened?"

"Yes."

"You listen to me Bella," he bit out. "I may be a jack ass, but I'm not _that_ far gone….not yet anyway. I am not running from this and neither are you. You're not gonna make me ignore this. I don't care how stubborn you are. We have to deal with this properly."

"We do."

"_Together_."

"We can't."

Just then the bell went off and the halls filled up with swarms of hustling and jostling students.

"I'm just as stubborn as you are," he said, refusing to budge. "And I won't give up."

"Class," I said, pointing with my thumb over my shoulder, thankful that we only shared one single period for the entire week and even that was a looming hurdle, lurking in my not too distant future.

"We'll finish this at lunch," he said, leaning over to stare pointedly into my eyes. "I mean it Bella."

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After the morning periods, I made a quick escape into the gym with a sandwich and my books. I had planned to avoid the cafeteria since opening my eyes that morning so I had prepared a sandwich at home for lunch. The gym was mostly empty except for a few girls from the volleyball team practicing their spikes at the far end of the court. I sat in the row to the very top, furthest away from the door, so that I could rest my back against the wall and try to relax. Much to my dismay however, Victoria had followed me in and without delay, she made her way up the stairs of the bleachers faster than the time it took for me to process how I was going to escape her.

"You're a_ very_ lucky bitch," she sneered at me from one row down. My heart took off at a crippling speed as I stared at her in paralyzed fright. I glanced down at the court nervously, realizing that there was no way to escape her easily. She could grab on to me with a single sweep of her hand if she wanted to.

"Look Victoria," I said in a quivering voice. "Before you continue, there's something you should know." I glanced at the doors nervously and spotted Tanya waiting there like a look out.

"Like what?" Victoria spat back at me, suddenly seeming a lot less graceful than I had previously thought. She was _really_ pissed off.

"Edward and I broke up," I said, waiting for her features to relax into a pleased smile, but she never budged and that worried me.

"I don't care about you and Edward anymore," she lashed out. "This is about _you_ now. You've gone and pissed me off like you wouldn't believe. Why the _fuck_ were there cops at my front door on Saturday?!"

"_What?_" I belched out with wide eyes as I remembered my episode with the cops. "I don't even know where you live Victoria."

"Yet they somehow ended up on my doorstep…asking about my involvement with fucking little Bella Swan from Forks' High."

Well well, the Forks' Police Department certainly was efficient. I remembered officer Embry saying that he would look into the Victoria story, but I didn't actually think he would go through the hassle of locating her at her house the very same day.

Talk about nothing to do - that incident was probably the only thing that happened in the town for months.

"I don't know how they got to your house," I answered, though I knew it was Edward who gave the police the tip when I called him.

"Sure you don't," she snorted. "I'm not stupid. You've gone and caused a whole lot of trouble in my house with your big fucking mouth, you little cry baby."

"I um…."

"You don't want to mess with me you insignificant waste of bitch," she was livid. Before this incident, she was coy and teasing, but now she was dripping with anger. She _really_ hated me now and it had nothing to with Edward anymore. It was all about me.

"No, I don't want to mess with you," I answered, trying to find even an ounce of courage inside of me. "But Victoria, I didn't start this. You were chasing after _me_. You _pushed_ me out of a tree. All I did was…"

"Oh just shut the fuck up. You're such a whiny baby," she retorted. "And frankly you're also a waste of my time, but somehow I will make you pay for the trouble you caused. You'll be sorry."

I widened my eyes in unbridled disbelief. _The trouble I'd caused?_ She had a lot of nerve.

She stomped down the steps in her heels and stormed her way over to a waiting Tanya at the door. Tanya glanced up at me flippantly, before tossing her hair over her shoulder and followed Victoria out. For a while I was dumfound and stupefied. I just sat there, staring off into space. The headache that had been threatening all morning finally broke through and started to demand my attention. I tossed my sandwich back into my school bag and sat back, needing some peace and quiet from all the chaos in my head when suddenly Charlie's face flashed behind my closed eyes. I sat upright in nervous anticipation, darting my eyes everywhere around the gym, trying to decipher if it was safe to experience an incident without drawing attention to myself. Very slowly his gap started pushing its way into my head and I had to bend over in readiness to brace myself for whatever it was. The volleyball team seemed oblivious to me.

"Not _now_ Charlie," I groaned miserably. "You've been so good lately. What are you doing to yourself this time?"

I'd never had a migraine before then, though I'd suffered regular headaches and knew them well thanks to Charlie, but if I had to guess what a migraine felt like, it would be that. The gym was suddenly too bright for my eyes and even with my head held down I had to squeeze them shut to block the glare. I was also acutely aware of every sound, smell and vibration around me. Every single sensation hurt because each one caused a rippling tremor to go straight to my head. I tried to open my eyes but I couldn't, so I resorted to holding my body perfectly still with my head between my knees and my both hands pressing at my temples. Soon enough that position started to work against me, because with my held down like that, I felt like I needed to vomit.

"Ugh!" I groaned miserably as I forced my head up and leaned back against the wall behind me. My phone started vibrating in my pocket then and the buzzing aggravated the throbbing in my head. I grabbed at it desperately and shoved it into my bag at my feet feeling my way around with tightly closed eyes. Thank God the phone was on silent mode. It was school policy to keep all cell phones either switched off or on silent mode while in classes, but even from inside the bag, the formidable buzzing continued and the sound sent thousands of excruciating, pinching sensations across my skull. Without a second thought, I kicked the bag down as hard as I could manage given my strained movements and it landed a few levels down from me. The thud it made as it landed sent a jolt of affliction across the front of my head and I bent over again with my head in my hands and my mouth stretched into a silent scream.

Something was wrong with Charlie. Maybe he had a migraine, or maybe he had fallen somewhere and hit his head. Maybe he was damaged. Maybe it was just an excruciating hangover. He was drunk when I had talked to him the day before, so a bad hangover wasn't impossible.

Trying to make sense of it only made the pain worse, because it compounded the pressure in my head. I literally felt as if there were two hands on the inside of my skull trying to push their way out on opposite ends and for the first time in my life, I felt burdened by my connection to my father. In a moment of self preservation I wished that I knew how to turn it off, knowing perfectly well that the only way to deal with it was to tough it out until it passed.

Trying to open my eyes again was useless because the glare on the outside sent piercing stabs of pain into my barely open slits. I sat there for the entire lunch period like a wound up steel rod, afraid to move, afraid to breathe, afraid to even think, because even thinking hurt.

When the bell rang, the screeching sound made me buckle harder and I'd have screamed if I didn't think that it would make the pain worse. A mouthful of bile rushed upward and I smelt the oncoming vomit from the inside on its way out. I clenched my teeth determinedly and swallowed hard, allowing nothing pass.

"Hey, you up there! Are you ok?" I heard a voice from down below. It was male and he sounded older than any of the boys in school. I tried to raise my hand and to nod, but movement was impossible.

"Hey," he called out again, and I heard his vibrating footsteps ascend the bleachers toward me. My bones started to rattle in panic as I heard and felt him approach. The last thing I needed was for someone to find me and try to get involved. Discovery meant the school nurse, which meant Esme, which very possibly meant Carlisle again, which then in turn meant Edward.

I managed to force one hand up in aggravation in an attempt to signal the approaching person to stop, but the next thing I knew, a hand was on my back trying to get me to raise my head. It was wide and firm and it made everything worse.

"Bella Swan? Is that you?" He asked. I wanted to tell him to stop touching me. I wanted to raise my head and open my eyes and see who he was because he obviously knew me. I wanted to keel over and vomit all over the floor. I wanted to die.

"Are you sick?" The voice asked and I thought that it sounded vaguely familiar.

I grunted in petulant irritation and he moved his hand from my back.

"Bella, I can help. What can I do? Should I call your mom?" My raised my hand again in rejection to his suggestion.

"I'll take that as a no," he said.

Trying to communicate with him was doing me more harm than good because I didn't want to move or to concentrate on getting him the message. The realization that the gym started to fill with chatting voices, laughter and vibrating footsteps then was what made me give in to his will to help. I couldn't be in there like that with an audience.

"It's Jacob," the voice said again, close to my ear. Right. That explained a lot, except for the part about why he was in the High School gym.

"I'm taking you to the nurse," he said next. "Can you stand?"

I grunted again to let him know that I couldn't and he understood.

"OK. I'm going to pick you up now. So try to relax."

He put one arm around my waist and pulled me up gently. He guided my head in toward his chest with his other hand where he attempted to shield my face from the crowd.

"What's wrong with _her_ again?" I heard a girl ask.

"Beats me," someone replied. "She looks sickly so I'm not surprised."

"Drama queen," another voice said.

"Here comes the boyfriend," said one of the earlier voices.

"What boyfriend? I heard they broke up," one of the girls said hastily.

"You're kidding me," and they chuckled. "I should have bet on that. He certainly is quick."

That was the last of that conversation I heard as we made it to the landing, but the thing that struck me the most was the part about Edward's presence in the gym.

_Of all the rotten luck, _I thought miserably.

I tried to open my eyes to get my bearings but the blur of swirling colors came at me too fast and I rocked into Jacob's chest and almost fell over. He tightened his arm around me. The scent he wore was too strong for me and I had to take in shallow breaths of air just so that it didn't aggravate the already reeling bile inside of my throat.

Just then Edward's voice hit me like the goddamned enamoring grace that I resented.

"Bella?!" He gasped and I felt his hand on my arm. "What are you doing to her Black? Let her go."

"I'm not doing anything to her. I'm simply taking her to the school nurse," Jacob Black answered indignantly but with a hint of surprise in his voice. I could only imagine the wild look on Edward's face when he saw Jacob taking my crippled form out of the gym. He may not have been in love with me, but he sure was protective.

"Get your hands off of her. I'll take her," Edward demanded and I felt him pull at my arm again. The tug did nothing to help my caving skull.

"Look Mr. Cullen," Jacob said, sounding taken aback. "It's better if you sit and wait for me to return for the talk. It will only take me a few minutes."

"I'm not here for your stupid talk. I'm a junior. Let her go," Edward said through clenched teeth and he tugged at me again. A little bit again and I'd have been a rag doll being pulled to and fro between both their egos. I tried to push them both off, but my head demanded every ounce of my attention just to keep myself from falling over and my strength failed me. The level and closeness of their voices didn't help matters much either as the sound bounced off my ear drums and crashed into my head in hostile waves.

"Stop it," I forced the meek sound through my lips. "_Ugh_!"

Opening my mouth was a bad idea too and I had to swallow again against the encroaching bile. With one smooth movement, Edward snaked his left arm around my waist above Jacob's, hoisted my feet off the floor and pulled me against the front of his body. I noticed that the din in the gym grew to a loud whisper when Edward took me.

"How on earth are you going to carry her with one arm?" Jacob Black asked.

"I'll be fine. The nurse isn't far away and she's light," Edward returned, and he started to walk away with me. "You can start your lecture now."

"Be careful with her," Jacob called out after Edward and I felt Edward's body jolt in repercussion as his pace slowed, but he didn't stop.

"Fuck off Black," I heard him mutter under his breath.

"My goodness! What happened to her?" A woman shrieked. It sounded like a teacher.

"Miss Warner," Edward acknowledged in a much more charming voice than the one he had just used on Jacob Black. "Bella isn't feeling well. I'm taking her to the nurse. It's ok, I have it under control."

"Can you manage Mr. Cullen? You look awfully awkward. Maybe someone should help you."

"No, I'm fine. It's not far away. Thanks." He started to move again before she could respond, though I heard her call after us as I writhed slightly in mortified rebellion. I wished that he would put my feet on the floor so that I could attempt walking on my own.

"What about your class Mr. Cullen?"

"Free period," he called back and I almost bit a hole through my tongue from the shock his voice sent into my head. Charlie's gap fortified itself right through and not for anything could I suppress the pain the way I wanted to.

"Hurry on along then and make sure they call her mother," Miss Warner said again. By then I knew we were a good distance away from her because she was throwing her voice from down the hall.

"Put me down," I uttered against the inside of Edward's neck and it was tough to get even that out.

"We're almost there," he said softly. Every step he took sent a shockwave of pain through my head. All I needed was to be still and to be left alone and it was terribly frustrating that I couldn't get the goddamned message across without undue stress.

"Edward stop," I muttered again and he slowed his pace minimally. I heard his breath leave his body in soft pants as he walked with me propped against his left side confirming just how light I actually was. A part of me rejoiced that it was him carrying me and not Jacob Black, but at the same time, his closeness did disturbing things to my aura; things that didn't help the part about us being broken up; things that made me want to go with my instincts and take it all back; things that just flat out inveigled the restless hormones in me whenever our bodies touched.

_So much for trying to avoid him right?_

"What's happening?" He whispered into my ear.

I groaned into his shoulder in response.

"Hang on I have to adjust you." He lifted me a little higher up so that his arm was lodged at the small of my back and the vibration of the motion knocked the wind out of me. I grabbed at his t-shirt and drew a fistful of the fabric into my palm as I winced.

"I know it's not me," he said, as he moved briskly. "Is it Charlie? Is it you? Are you sick?"

I shook my head against his good shoulder and forced my head up.

"Put. Me. Down."

He did, though he never let go of me and I was glad that he didn't.

"Something tells me you don't want to go to the nurse."

I shook my head feebly against him.

"It's Charlie," I whispered.

"Right," then he sighed. "I'm taking you outside."

"No," I grabbed at his t-shirt harder. "Too bright. The glare."

"Too bright," he said and the sound of his voice actually started to put me at ease. "Do you need somewhere dark?"

I nodded in consent, liking the way he knew how to respond to me because he understood. There was no way anyone else could have helped, because no one else knew my story. He guided me slowly forward and then he stopped after a few paces.

"This should do," he said and ducked into room that smelled like must and old chemicals. I heard him lock the door and I could tell, even with my eyes closed, that we were in a dark place because the glare from behind my eyelids disappeared and I felt an immediate release.

"Sit."

He pulled me down to sit sideways in his lap on the floor.

"Does it hurt to talk?" He asked.

"Not so much anymore," I whispered as the pain of Charlie's distended gap eased away slowly. I tried opening my eyes, and though it was barely manageable in the dark, I was able to open them to a small squint. He started rubbing my back in gentle, long strokes with his good hand.

"Where does it hurt?" He asked gently, lowering his head so that he could rest his forehead against my temple. I pulled away slightly at the discomfort.

"What are you doing Edward?" I whispered.

He sighed heavily and dropped his hand from my back.

"Stop pushing me away. Tell me where it hurts."

"It's my head. A migraine maybe. I'm not sure. I need to find Charlie and see if he 's ok."

"It's getting better," he noticed and I felt his fingers touch the ends of my hair against my back.

"How can you tell?" It took a while, but very slowly, my eyes opened and adjusted to the darkness of the room. I looked around and registered the mops, buckets and brooms that were stashed everywhere.

"I can tell because you're talking without wincing as much."

"You brought me into the janitor's closet?"

"You said dark, anywhere else indoors would have had people."

"Oh. It smells funny."

"So is Charlie having some kind of migraine?" He avoided the small talk and went straight for the jugular.

"I don't know," I sighed. "I never actually know until I talk to him. That's why I need to find him."

"And how are you going to do that?"

"I'll try calling him," I answered, but then I remembered that my bag was still in the gym where I had kicked it away in frustration. "But my phone's in the gym."

"Use mine," he said. He leaned to the side so that he could reach his phone in his back pocket. I took it appreciatively and wasn't surprised when Charlie didn't answer. I redialed him four times but had to settle for leaving him a message in the end.

"Dad, please call me. You're making me sick with worry. What's going on with your head? It's pretty bad. Please call me as soon as you can. Please?"

Edward's hand returned to my back in long, soothing strokes. I snapped the phone shut and dropped it into my lap.

"What if he doesn't call?" I asked Edward. "What if he can't because he's hurt? What if he never gets my message?"

"Ssshh," he whispered, repositioning his forehead to the side of my head again. "We'll find him. Don't panic yet."

The way he said 'we' stirred a sweet, nostalgic reaction in me and the coziness of our position on the floor was definitely not good for someone who was trying to stay away from the effects of his appeal. The intimacy and affection in his touch shifted my self-preservation instincts into gear. I knew that for the sake of my own ability to get over him the way I thought I needed to, I had to get off his lap and put some distance between us. There was also the fact that I was direly late for my first period of the afternoon and I intended to go even though my head still hurt.

"I'm better now, thanks," I said and shifted my weight in preparedness to stand.

"Wait," he said and wrapped his arm around my waist. He sighed. "You didn't come to lunch today. Why?"

I turned away from him and dropped my eyes to his forearm that came around me to the front of my stomach. The skin on his arm was smooth and even in the dark of the room I could see the way his veins slightly raised off the surface as his forearm narrowed to his wrist.

"Why does it have to be so complicated?" I complained.

"It's only complicated because you're making it that way," he answered. "It doesn't have to be like this Bella. I want to deal with this shit with you. I want to."

A fleeting sensation of temper flashed through me as I remembered the way he had looked at me on my couch just the day before.

"You weren't so sure yesterday," I said.

"Hey, you never gave me a chance to….."

"To do the very same thing I did," I cut him off, turning my face to his. He leaned his head back against the wall and blew a breath out through his mouth. It was hard to see into his eyes. They just looked dark and withdrawn, though they held mine with intent focus.

"Can you honestly tell me that you weren't thinking about breaking up with me?" I asked.

He closed his eyes and moved his arm from around me so that he could pass it over his face.

"Can you, Edward?"

And all of a sudden it was there again. Even in the darkness it was easy to see the shadow of uncertainty and confliction as it crept into his stare; just like I'd seen the day before. He swallowed and shifted slightly underneath me and like the before, I felt my heart drop into maddening disillusionment. I shook my head in irritation and pushed off his lap to stand.

"I didn't think you could," I grumbled. My body rocked a bit because I stood up too quickly, but once I braced myself with a hand to the wall, it only took a few seconds to regain a steady balance. I dropped his cell phone into his lap then and turned to leave.

"Thanks for your help," I said, before opening the door.

"Bella," he pleaded and followed me out into the school hallway which thankfully was empty because class was still in progress. "Please, let me explain. This is not what I want."

"No Edward," I said flatly, turning to him with a squint in my eyes. The light was still hard to take in all at once but the pain wasn't as consuming as it was before, and even though Charlie's gap was still resilient in my head, I was able to control my faculties albeit with some difficulty.

"The thing you're having trouble dealing with here is shock," I continued. "I beat you to it. You never saw it coming and I can put my head on a block that a girl has never dumped you before. Is this about your ego? Because if it is…."

"How can you say things like that?!" He startled me with a hasty step toward me and I glanced behind me to see if anyone was around. "After everything!"

"_Everything_ was beautiful Edward and it meant much more to me than you'll ever, _ever_ know. But Esme was right and God, how I _hate_ to admit that!"

"Right about which part?!"

"About the part when she told us to be absolutely sure about each other before plunging our families into scandal and shame. She knew that would corner us and she won, because we sat there and didn't say _a single thing _in our defense. I saw you blank out Edward. I was ready, but I saw everything you couldn't say because you were too scared to. All I did was made things easier, because really…how can we go on if we can't even meet the basic requirement of being _sure_ about each other?"

"I'm sure about you _now_!" He came forward again and I saw the veins at his temples rise and pop out all over the place in his temper.

"_Now_? You're sure bout me now that it's too late. Now that you think you've lost me? You're confused!"

"So what?! I should be allowed to have a moment of indecision. What the fuck? I'm human!"

"You're unbelievable."

"I want to be with you."

"But that's not enough," I shook my head as I felt tears prick the inside of my lids. "Just wanting to be with me may have been enough before, but not anymore. Everything's different now."

"And what about what happened between us?" He toned down, though his eyes were fiery and desperate and urgent as they flashed maniacally between mine.

"What are you talking about?"

"The empathic thing. The synergy," he ground out with another step forward. "Our special connection."

_Special?_

"I'll handle it," I said, with a step taken backward. "Don't worry about it. It will go away."

"Like it went away with Charlie?"

"That's different," I shot out. "He's my father. A bond like that will never die."

He closed his eyes then and inhaled deeply and I took the opportunity of a break from his stare to make a quick exit.

"I can't talk about this now," I turned to walk away, though I was disoriented and unsure about where I should be going. Thank goodness the janitor's closet wasn't in the immediate vicinity of any classroom, or else we would have surely been caught arguing in the corridor.

"Where are you going?"

"To class."

"Where's your stuff?"

I hesitated.

"I'll manage without it."

"_Jesus_, just answer the question Bella."

I spun around to face him again.

"It's in the goddamned gym Edward. I'll get it after class."

The last thing I needed then was go back into that gym to confront a sea of amused and questioning faces. I walked away and left him standing there in the corridor staring after me with his left hand stuck in his hair.

My teacher was appalled by my late entry into Trig but Mike Newton was only too happy to quietly bring me up to speed on what I had missed. When he tried to talk after class I didn't avoid him because I hoped that he could help me get my bag out of the gym, for one, and maybe he might have known something about why Dr. Black was in school.

"Do you know what's going on in the gym today?" I asked him as we walked toward his locker after class. He did that bobbing thing on his heels that I noticed whenever he was delighted or excited about something.

"It's career week. There was an announcement about it last Tuesday. Didn't you hear it? It's for the seniors though. We get our turn next year to listen to boring old farts try to persuade us to consider their career for ourselves. There's some kind of work shop in the gym today. A doctor I think. I'm fucking thrilled. It means no gym for the rest of the week."

"For the seniors you said?"

"Yeah."

_So why was Edward there?_ I thought.

"Will you help me with something?" I smiled.

"That depends," he smirked, enjoying the fact that we were walking together a little too much.

"Down boy," I said with a warning glance. "What does it depend on?"

"Well, I heard you and your boyfriend broke up."

_Geez, word sure did get around fast._

"So that means you don't have a date for the dance."

"First of all, that's very presumptuous of you," I actually laughed out. "And second, you haven't even heard what I was going to ask you."

"So shoot."

"I don't want to anymore," I shook my head at him. "You just killed it."

He laughed good naturedly. "Come on!"

"It doesn't warrant a date Mike, least of all a date for the dance. Yikes," I cringed, hoping that he realized that my disgust was meant more for the idea of the dance than actually being his date.

"So then what is it you want to ask? Maybe we can reset the scale."

"I was going to ask you to help me get my back pack out of the gym. I don't want to go in there with that workshop thing going on and I need my stuff for our next class."

"What is it doing in there?"

"Long story," I rolled my eyes. For the most part, Charlie's gap had reduced to just a haze at the back of my head, though it had never actually disappeared completely and the traces of the headache were still mildly present.

"Bella, go to the dance with me. Please."

"I'm not going to the dance," I answered. "With anybody."

"What do you mean you're not going to the dance? Everyone's going to the dance."

"Not me," I answered and on seeing that the conditions for his help still stood, I started walking away to my next class empty handed.

"Why not?" He followed me, because of course; we had the same class again.

"I don't dance Mike," I answered in a clipped tone. "I'm terribly clumsy and I hate dressing up."

"Those aren't good enough reasons."

"Look are you gonna help me or not?"

"Sure. I'll get it for you after this class," he said as we walked through the doors. "What's with the mystery again? What's the long story about why you can't go into the gym?"

I changed the topic immediately.

"I actually know someone who would love to go to the dance with you."

He raised a skeptical eyebrow and smiled mischievously.

"Please say it's your hot fucking sister."

I shoved him roughly.

"Shut up, and no. She's a senior. She'd never go for you, you're a junior."

"So is her boyfriend, or haven't you noticed."

I looked at him in amusement and giggled. "True, but I was talking about Jessica."

"What the fuck are you talking about Swan?"

"What? The girl is crazy about you! Why won't you ask her?"

"Because she's _not _crazy about me."

"Oh my God," I laughed. "You _are_ that dense!"

We both looked over at Jessica then who tried to pretend like she was in deep conversation with Angela Webber, like she wasn't tuned into to every aspect of our body language with each other.

"The girl is evil," Mike said next. "She's always cussing me, arguing with me, glaring at me, fighting with me. She hits me too. Can you believe that? She'll take any opportunity she gets to throw something at me, including her fist."

"Mike, if we were in elementary school, that behavior would be equivalent to her pulling your pig tails in the playground."

He frowned and shifted uncomfortably.

"She scares me."

"She likes you."

"Well she has the shittiest fucking way of showing it."

"I can't believe you don't know that Jessica Stanley is in love with you. You're as dense as a brick wall. She's frustrated with you Mike. I'd hate you too if I liked you and had to watch you shoot your tentacles out to every other girl but me."

"How do you know this?"

"It's _obvious_. She hates me because she thinks you like me."

"I do like you."

"And that's why she hates me. Keep up will ya. Seriously though," I rolled my eyes and dropped my tone because class was about to start. "I have an idea. Let's make a bet that she says yes if you ask her."

"What are we betting?"

"Um…."

"I have it. If she says no...you have to go with me instead."

"Don't make me regret talking to you."

"Oh come on," he grinned. "That's perfect."

"I'm not going to the dance Mike."

"Come on!"

"No, make another wager."

"Ok fine. If she says no…."

"I'll have a burger with you at the diner," I finished. "And that's it."

He twisted his mouth in disappointment but then he nodded. "That sucks, but fine."

"And you have to ask her in front of me," I added, sure that if I was there Jessica would have a point to prove. She wouldn't be able to resist the opportunity to rub it in my face and based on that reasoning alone, I knew that she would definitely say yes.

_Piece of cake._

"OK," Mike grumbled. "Might not be so bad after all. She has a great rack."

We switched our focus to the lecture in progress then and the moment I tried to tune in, thoughts of Edward and Charlie encroached. The distraction Mike had provided wasn't anywhere near potent enough to block them out, so I had no choice but to unwillingly resign myself to the depressing nature of their presence within me; knowing that no matter how hard I tried, I'd never be able to escape.


	31. Chap 31 He Loves me He loves me not EPOV

Thanks to every one who has favorited the story. Loads of inspiration. Happy reading and sorry for all my stupid typos. I just get so excited to upload for you guys :)

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**Chapter 31 **

**He Loves Me. He Loves Me Not... - (EPOV)**

This was the exact point in a relationship where I would go skating for the nearest exit. No matter who, what or why, there was always a point where things got shitty and weird and I started to feel trapped.

But this wasn't just any girl, this was Bella and everything had changed. That's not saying that I didn't sense the trigger anyway, I did. She had said "_that's not enough anymore,"_ and instinctively I felt my insides backfire in the familiar sense of self preaservation. When she walked away to class and left me in the corridor outside the janitor's room I felt lost and misdirected. For the first time since I'd known myself, I was the one being dumped. Sardonically enough, I used to fantasize about the day it would happen, the day it would be _that_ easy to get rid of a girl, to have her want to leave me when it got complicated so that I wouldn't have to be the bad guy all the time; but of course, as _my_ fucked up luck would have it, it happened with the _one_ girl that conquered all that bullshit in me.

Ever since Bella came into my life, I was different. I found myself wanting more of her, wanting emotional gratification and actually wanting to work through difficult shit. We'd only been together a couple of weeks, a fucking milestone on my part, and already shit was fucked up. I guessed that it served me right and that it was only a matter of time before the veil over my eyes came peeling off to expose the ugly truth that I'd known all along. I didn't deserve Bella and suddenly I was faced with the live fear that she was beginning to see that too.

She attempted to avoid me that day at school, after she _tried _to break up with me the day before…_tried_, because I was that kind of greedy motherfucker that didn't know when to quit or how to take no for an answer. Even though her voiced reasons made logical sense, I sensed that there was more to it than she admitted to. She was upset because I had led her to believe that I didn't and couldn't love her and even though at the time I thought it was the truth, what I was really doing was _running_ from the truth. Bella was in love with me. That much was evident. I realized it when I witnessed her connection to me and immediately I knew that I had a lot of making up to do. Even with Bella's influence, that unavoidable, monstrous, fucked up part of me still found a way to screw shit up, and unnecessarily so, given the fact that our situation was already fucking itself up in its own without my help. And once again I had to question just for the sake of sanity, why the hell did she want to be trapped with a character like me when the odds were already naturally stacked up against her. She really didn't know, though she was slowly finding out, the kind of damage I was capable of.

She was right about one thing though, everything was different now. We weren't just two teenagers finding our way around each other anymore. Now we had shit like Carlisle and Esme to think about and even more important than that, her empathic connection to me. I still wasn't sure about how to stomach it but as much as it freaked the fucking shit out of me, a masochistic part of me kind of…liked it. It made me feel strong and it made me feel alive and like nothing else I had ever experienced…it made me feel loved. It was the purest form of attachment if there ever was one and whereas I had repelled the idea of her being attached to her father like that, when it happened with me, it made me feel special…and all that fucking fluffy stuff. I realized too that it came with a fuckload of responsibility attached to it and in spite of that, I didn't care.

I still hated the fact that she was attached to Charlie though. From what I had learned about the man so far, he was a selfish drunk with a self destructive condition and even though he knew how physically connected he and Bella were he continued to put himself, and her, in questionable situations. That was unfair to Bella. She didn't deserve to suffer through his inadequacies and if she had no choice but to embrace her gift, I believed that it should have been with someone who would take care of her and make sure that no harm came to her.

Fuck it, I was so jealous of her bond with him that it bugged me to no end and if I was honest with myself, I'd have had to admit to thinking that her being linked to him like that made it seem unlikely that she would give herself completely to any other man. And perhaps, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that thinking like that was one of the factors that lead to my self preservation behavior of telling her that I was unable to love her. Because how could I fall in love with a girl who would always place her father on a pedestal that was too fucking high and out of my reach? Even though Charlie was a hapless drunk, he still had a part of her that was unreachable to any one else….until me.

Naturally, there was also a part of me that was frightened by it because of its peculiarity and because on so many levels it was dangerous for her, but for the while I had made up my mind to file that concern away until we got to that bridge.

It was maddening the way she tried to avoid me the day after at school and as if that wasn't bad enough, Charlie had gone and gotten his sodden ass into trouble again, and of course it found her. I had waited for her restlessly in the cafeteria lunch time and when Alice sensed my agitation she told me that Bella had gone to the library instead. Fuck, I knew she liked libraries, but she never went there during lunch when she could see me instead. She seemed to be pretty bent on trying to avoid me, but I wasn't going to let it happen. She was a stubborn little cookie, but I was much worse.

I stalked through the halls angrily, like a maddened addict in search of his next fix and perhaps in a way she was exactly that and for all it was worth, I wasn't willing to face the withdrawal of time spent without her. Of course she wasn't in the fucking library when I stormed through the doors and the various glares I got from the nerd community on the inside only served to irritate me further. I knew she could be painfully evasive when she wanted to be. She was a master at hiding herself and though I looked everywhere I could think of, including the girls' toilets…_fuck if I cared_, my search was in vain.

I tried calling her and when she didn't answer I couldn't tell which emotion in me took over, frustration or anger. I had finally decided to call it quits and wait for after school to corner her in the parking lot when I ran into Victoria and Tanya a few doors down from the gym. They were so fucking easy to read, all smug and shit with triumph in their eyes like hunters who had just beheaded their prey. It was Tanya who gave it away when her eyes connected with mine and unfettered anxiety flashed through them. I remembered Victoria's stunt with Bella over the weekend then and I threw myself in front her like an obstinate brick wall.

"You think I don't have enough shit on you to get you thrown the fuck out of Fork's High?" I growled at her and as usual, she was unbothered by my animosity.

"Sorry Edward," she teased. "I don't have time to catch up. I just left your sad excuse for a girlfriend in the gym. I heard you broke up by the way. My condolences. See you in Music Theory."

"You may not know this," I bit out at her and stepped to the side to block her off again. "But I'm nicely acquainted with someone interesting from your past and there's a lot of fucked up shit I know about you that the faculty here would love to hear about."

She raised her eyebrows in the slightest betrayal of interest, pinned her lips together and shrugged.

"I'm quite accustomed to your threats Cullen and to this day none of them have worked. You haven't had much bite behind that puppy squeal of yours, so what should be different about…."

"Fuck with Bella again Victoria," I stepped into her. "And I'll make _fucking _sure you get sent off to military school."

She blanched in shock and I literally saw the blood drain from her face, making her a sickly pallor. She shifted her eyes to Tanya slightly then shot them back to me, shocked and confused that I would know about her father's living threat to her and for the first time since I'd known her, she had no facetious comeback for me.

"Now that I have your attention," I said in a final tone. "Go near Bella again or even look at her the wrong way and I'll use my wild card. I'm so fucking past any drop of patience with you anymore that I'll do whatever the fuck it takes to make sure you understand how serious I am."

She raised her chin then and folded her arms across her chest. A little bit again and she'd have been pouting like a scolded baby.

"Stop it, we're making Tanya jealous," she muttered then dropped her long lashed eyes suggestively to my lips.

"Back off Edward," Tanya said next. I ignored her completely, reducing her to the same kind of irritation that Rosalie had become.

"Get to class," a teacher called out to us in passing.

"Come on," Tanya said to Victoria, pulling her by her elbow. She pulled her elbow away and obeyed, but not before communicating her contention with clear eyes.

I raced to the gym then and shoved my way through a few groups of seniors that had clustered at the entrance. I found her immediately, huddled against some turd in a suit. On closer inspection he turned out to be the therapist who consulted with Carlisle for patients from Forks' Community Hospital, Jacob Black. I also knew that he was supposed to be Bella's therapist, though she refused to see him.

I was already severely wound up and provoked from my interaction with Victoria, and seeing him hold Bella like that made the blood rush straight to the pivotal spot at the front of my head. Every step he took made her flinch like a trapped moth in a tangled web. She was obviously in pain as was evident by her tightly shut eyes and the way she pressed at her temples.

"Bella! What are you doing to her Black? Let her go," I snapped at the doc. He assessed me with a shocked expression, but very quickly got indignant.

"I'm not _doing_ anything to her. I'm simply taking her to the school nurse," he countered.

"Get your hands off of her. I'll take her." I was mad with rage at the thought of him trying to take care of her, especially when she looked so vulnerable. Very quickly, I mentally ran through a range of possibilities. Either she was ill or she was having her empathic incident with Charlie, or me, but _I _was fine, so I scratched myself off the list of causes.

"Look Mr. Cullen," he obviously remembered who I was as well. "It's better if you sit and wait for me to return for the talk. It will only take me a few minutes."

"I'm not here for your stupid talk. I'm a junior. Let her go," I retorted to him and pulled at her arm stubbornly.

"Stop it," she uttered in obvious difficulty and then she grunted. I took her from him then because he didn't look like he was about to give up and seeing that he didn't want to add to her difficulty, he didn't try to fight me off.

I took her out of the gym after silencing Black's fears about how I was going to carry her with one arm. I didn't like how she looked and I was genuinely scared for her. The gym was full of gaping faces, some amused and some concerned but I ignored them, catching only the familiar cool gaze of Rosalie before making my way out the doors. I was on my last fucking nerve when I almost bumped into Miss Warner on the outside, one of the senior teachers. Somehow, I managed to smile my way out of a lengthy series of shitty questions and she eventually gave in and let me take Bella to the nurse.

I questioned Bella as we walked though the corridors toward the nurse, though instinctively I knew that she wouldn't want to be taken there. I figured that it had something to do with her father and it turned out that I was right.

Once I realized she was ok in the Janitor's room under the relief of the darnkess, I relaxed a little. Her gentle spirit rocked me and her willingness to deal with Charlie's crap because she loved him so much, though it bothered me, also moved me. If I was in her shoes and had to put up with that kind of burden at any given time, I'd have been admitted to an asylum already; but not Bella. I saw the way she bore her cross bravely and silently without so much as a single uttered complaint. She waited for it to pass, tried to call Charlie and then she was done with it.

I took in every feature and mannerism of hers as I tried to get as close to her as possible on the floor. She smelt amazing and the amber rose fragrance of her hair meshed with her gentle and natural, talc scent, stirring things inside of me that I didn't know what to do with. Her eyes we sad and her voice was brittle but soft and when she started to push me away again, she nearly drove me insane. I felt agonized, like she was keeping herself at arm's length away from me, forcing me to reach for her constantly, but no matter how hard I tried, she was always just out of my reach.

I'd never gone out of my mind like that before at the thought of losing a girl. Losing a girl used to mean losing the stress of the girl and all the drama that she carried with her.

_Good fucking riddance_.

But losing Bella meant losing a part of me and I panicked like a bitch when she refused to let me persuade her that what she was doing was crazy. We ended up having a fight in the hall outside the janitor's room and not knowing what else to do, I let her walk away from me and resigned myself to the fact that she needed space. I knew perfectly well that had the shoe been on the other foot, I'd have hated if a girl I tried to push away started clinging on to me; and that's exactly what I was doing. I had started to cling to her in panic, like a fucking female.

Bella Swan had turned me into a bitch.

After she went to class I returned to the gym to get her bag for her, but they wouldn't let me in because the workshop was still in progress. So I waited until my second period had ended and skated across the quad back to the gym at the time they had said the workshop would be over. I almost lost my shit again for the umpteenth time for the fucking day when I saw Mike Newton walking out with her bag on his shoulder. Before I could even get to him, he weaved his way in between the swarms of students; seniors on their way out of the gym and juniors just spilling out of their last class. He disappeared into a classroom and never once noticed me seething in flagrant frustration behind him.

-----------------------------------------

By that evening I was at my wits end. I paced the floor of my bedroom like a jungle cat, smoked like five fucking cigs on the balcony in an attempt to calm down then paced my room some more. I'd even missed my opportunity to corner her in the parking lot at school because when I got there the Porsche was already gone. She had even managed to convince Alice to leave at an insanely efficient speed so that I wouldn't run into her in the lot. Jasper shot me an apologetic look which I rebuked before jumping into Emmet's jeep.

I kept my eyes on the clock as I paced, making sure that the time to take my painkillers didn't pass because I didn't want my discomfort to transfer to her. Ten minutes before the time, I grabbed at the bag on my dresser with trembling hands and yanked at the tablets. I took both the painkillers and the antibiotics then stared at myself in the mirror and wondered… '_now what?'_

Once I swallowed the pills, my breathing bore some semblance of a normal rhythm again but not for anything could I stop thinking about her. On an evening like that she would have been with me either in the library downstairs or at the Oak. I pictured her in her room, lying on her bed with her homework or her ipod. I saw her hair fall into her eyes and my fingers twitched in their wanton need to touch.

Then my mind went back to the day she had given me an orgasm on my bed and I felt my groin budge responsively in my pants. I had to go back out on to the balcony to sit. The cool air was much more refreshing than the suffocating heat in my room. Everything bothered me and I couldn't get myself to settle the fuck down. As I sat on one of the wicker chairs on the balcony I tried to put my feelings into perspective.

What was it that drove me so mad that nothing else in the day mattered but seeing her and getting her to want me again? Addiction…yes, lust…hell fucking yes, adoration…of course, weakness….check.

Love…

I closed my eyes, shoved the back of my head against the wall and gulped in a mouthful of cold air. Like a movie reel, whole scenes, conversations between us and images started flashing through my mind. I think I had known it ever since the night I lost my mind and smashed my shoulder in a drunken stupor. _I_ was the one running that night, not Bella. She was always right there in front of me, ready and waiting and wanting me. And even after I hurt her in my own fucked up sense of denial by essentially telling her not to expect love from me, she forgave it and never tried to make me feel like shit about it. She ended up being physically connected to me through her mind, for how long I was unsure, but the length of time didn't matter. What mattered was that we were connected and if there was a chance of making the best out of that, I had to find it and take it.

I felt the pressure physically burst through the barriers in my chest and claim every part of me in a blind second. I opened my eyes and exhaled as a short laugh burst out from the inside. It was unbelievable. I was in love with her and finally, I was sure of it.

Esme had told me to be _absolutely_ sure about Bella and I had the chance that day to tell her just how completely taken I was with her daughter, but I didn't. Instead I showed her everything else, the very doubt she expected to see in me, my internal argument and my cowardice.

It was time to fix it. If Bella loved me and I loved her, what the fuck was I doing sitting there like a lonely animal waiting for an epiphany?

I stormed into my room in search of my jacket and car keys. Carlisle was still at the hospital and I made up my mind to face whatever consequences I'd have to for driving later. I had no expectations of winning her back. At that point, my only intention was to apologize and to tell her she was right about what she did because it got me exploding out of my inner shell. I would tell her that I loved her, that I was a prick for not allowing her to know it much sooner and that as much as I didn't deserve her, there would never be another girl to completely destroy me for everyone else the way she had.

"Where are you going?" Emmett asked as I passed him outside his bedroom door.

"I'll be back shortly."

"You're not driving are you?"

"Fuck Emmett," I bit out impatiently. "Can we argue about it later? There's something I really have to do right now."

"It'll take me one minute to get my pants and keys," he said before disappearing into his room again. When he came back out I realized that his shadow was detached from him, so I asked as we jogged down the flights of stairs together.

"Where's your woman?"

"At home."

I raised my eyebrows blankly. That almost never happened.

"You two fighting or something?"

"No," he answered. "I'm swinging by her house later. So now that I'm bored, I have no problem giving you a ride."

"Please don't piss me off with your impatience like last time Emmett," I warned him. "This will take a while."

"Let's go lover boy," he grinned as we walked out the house toward his jeep at the front. "I can only guess what this is about."

"Bella's house," I said when we climbed in. He clicked his tongue in amusement, always laughing about life, the lucky bastard.

"Go fucking figure Romeo," he chuckled.

I shook my head and looked out the window as we drove off.

"This may be a surprise to you little bro," he said and strangely enough, I liked the title. "But I know you a whole lot better than you think. Your expressions are like an open children's book and that look of torture on your face right now, is reserved for one person only. Ain't love grand?"

I whipped my head around to him and stared at him in wonderment.

"How the fuck do you…."

"You gonna deny it? I can't say that you didn't shock the royal fuck out me, because you did. I hadn't pegged you as the type. It's refreshing to see though you look like you're sick all the time, but hey, what are you gonna do right?"

I tore my eyes away from his ridiculously smug and knowing expression and averted my eyes to the road. We drove the rest of the way in silence and as he rightly said, I was tortured. If it was so easy for Emmett and Jasper to figure out, what the fuck was wrong with me? What _wasn't _wrong with me? And how did Bella miss it?

We got there quickly and though the bouncing of the jeep was more than a little uncomfortable for my slung arm, no harm was done.

"What are you going to do while I'm in there?" I asked, in a possible attempt to stall the inevitable for a few seconds longer. My courage needed a boost and I felt my palms start to sweat.

"I'll take a swing by Rose," he said. "Call me when you're ready."

The Porsche was the only car in the yard and I figured that ex Mrs. Swan was a convenient 'late worker' as well. I walked up the path stiffly, stepped up to the front door, took a deep breath and shuffled my feet against the door mat nervously; and again, before I could knock, Alice opened the door.

"What the fuck Alice. You keep doing that. You psychic or something?"

She frowned disparagingly at my language and stepped aside for me to enter.

"She's been locked in her room all afternoon and she won't come out," Alice complained. She looked stressed by Bella's behavior like it wasn't something she liked dealing with on her own. I looked at the staircase uneasily and fisted my left hand. Bella was obviously still very upset.

"Can I go up?" I asked, not sure if it was allowed.

"Be my guest," Alice shrugged and closed the front door. "Esme won't be home until late anyway. She already called; probably humping your dad as we speak."

I shot her an unimpressed glare; suddenly very aware of how disconnected she was from the entire mess if she could make jokes like that already.

"Sorry," she rocked back on her heels. "Too soon."

She lead the way up the stairs, straight to Bella's shut door and put her hands on her hips. I tried the handle out of curiosity and sure enough, it was locked. There was nothing but silence coming from the inside either.

"Have you tried knocking?" I asked.

"Of course I did genius."

"Maybe she's listening to music on her ipod and she didn't hear you," I swallowed.

"Hmmm," Alice smirked. "Is that why she threw something breakable at the door when I knocked?"

I made a silent "O" with my lips and turned to face off with the door. The only thing to do was to knock as well and I hoped that she would open up if she knew it was me. It was either that, or spit a ball of fire at the door. I fisted my hand again and raised it to knock, but stopped mid air.

"Sorry but, would you mind?" I said to Alice.

She rolled her eyes and walked away grumpily, then slammed her bedroom door behind her across the hall.

I knocked.

"Bella," I said. "It's me. Can I come in?"

Silence.

I exhaled roughly and tried again.

"Bella. There's something important I have to say to you and I'd rather not say it to your door, but if you don't open up, I'll have to and Alice will hear everything. Right now her ear is pressed up against her door, eating every word that's coming out of my mouth."

Just then Alice opened her door and when I looked behind me, she poked her head out of her room and stuck her tongue out at me.

"Cheater," she snarled.

"I knew you'd be listening," I smiled triumphantly.

I turned back to Bella's door and pressed my left palm against it.

"I'd rather you were the first to hear this," I said, feeling excruciatingly exposed. I turned around again and shot Alice another annoyed look. She rolled her eyes and stepped back into her room and shut the door.

"I'm not leaving until you open the door Bella," I said. "I know you can hear me. If you don't like what I have to say I'll leave and never bother you again, I promise. If you don't open the door though, I'm going to have to sit here in the corridor till you do and then your mother will come home and find me here and she'll have to kick me out and…."

The lock clicked.

I shut up and stood there in silence for a while, staring at the knob, waiting for some form of movement from the inside or a sign that the door would open, but nothing happened after that. I took hold of the cold knob and twisted it slowly, unsure that I had actually heard the lock open, but the knob responded to my twist and the door opened without any effort. I hesitated, trying to gather my courage in the last second before facing her. It was awfully quiet and dark on the insdie and the nervous energy inside of me actually generated an internal heat that I felt exude off my body.

If that wasn't love, I didn't know what the fuck else to call it. I pushed the door open further and stepped in, making sure to look around one last time to see if Alice was there and she was, with a twisted smirk on her face. I wanted to chuckle at her silliness, but the moment I closed the door and turned around to see Bella, what I saw wiped away any trace of humor in my disposition.

She was sitting on the floor at the foot of her bed, crouched into a tight ball with her hands over her bent head, rocking back and forth on her butt as if she was in pain. Her hair was a tangled mess spilled over and around her shoulders, over her knees and down her back. Without another spared thought, I hurried over the smashed pieces of ceramic by the door and went to her. I plummeted myself to the floor and grabbed her with my left arm, pulling her to me so hurriedly that she winced audibly at my careless touch. She shuddered against me and for a split second I thought that she might try to push me away again, but she didn't. This time she turned into me, buried her face into my chest and clutched on to my coat with needy hands.

"Is it happening again?" I asked her with a wildly beating organ in my chest. She nodded in stiff acknowledgement.

"How long?"

She shook her head with one small motion and I realized that just like before, she had difficulty talking through the pain. I held onto her firmly in my lap and showered the top of her head with small, light kisses, wishing that I had locked the door behind me instead of just closing it. I realized then why she had the door locked and Alice's knocking couldn't have been helpful.

"It'll be over soon," I said into her hair, cursing Charlie in my head. Wherever he was, he was doing it again and he didn't know how fucking lucky he was that I couldn't get my livid hands on him. An immense welt of emotion scourged through me then as I held her cringing form in silence. As the minutes passed I felt increasingly more at ease with what I had gone there to do. Just being able to be there for her and having her fall against me for support was more than I could have hoped for. I wanted to take her pain and put it on myself. I wanted to make it so that she'd never have to go through it again and despite her sadistic need to hold on to this connection to him, I knew I loved her enough already to want to find a way to make it stop.

I held her quietly for a long time and gradually I felt the muscles in her body unwind and relax until she had melted to a languid heap in my lap, tired, exhausted and needing to collapse.

"I need you," she said eventually with her face against my chest, just above my bent arm between us.

"I'm sorry," she went on. "I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do."

I tightened my arm around her as an unfamiliar lump pressed against the inside of my throat. I bent my face to kiss the top of her head again and wondered if the pain was gone.

"Why do you think you shouldn't feel that way?" I asked and her only response was to shake her bent head.

"Never say things like that," I said to her, keeping my voice at a whisper. "You have nothing to apologize for. I'm the one that's sorry."

She shifted in my lap and raised her head to look at me. At least she wasn't crying, because her cheeks and eyes were dry.

"I'm such a mess Edward," she sighed sadly. "It's always something with me, always some drama. I don't blame you at all for wanting to shield yourself from it. It's the natural way to feel. You don't need to be sorry for anything. I had no right to be angry with you. Overreacting is a special skill of mine. I completely understand. Trust me I do."

I stroked the hair out of her eyes and off her forehead and tucked what I could behind her ears with my one hand. She bent her head slightly when I touched her and I had to lift her face to mine again with my index under her chin.

"You're wrong," I said to her. "Bella I don't know how you put up with me. I'm such a temperamental jack ass and I really, honestly, don't deserve to be loved by you."

She widened her eyes in a moment of shock and stiffened her shoulders slightly, then clasped her hands in her lap and started weaving her fingers in and out of each other. I could have bet anything that she didn't even realize that she was doing it.

"What are you talking about?" she asked with a hint of indecision in her voice.

I put my left hand over her clasped ones between us and held them, to steady their frantic little movements.

"You're fidgeting," I smiled down at her.

"I'm not."

"You are."

"Why are you always telling me about my fidgeting? If it bothers you that much…."

I couldn't take it anymore so I interupted her with an impulsive and hasty kiss. She rocked back slightly so I grabbed her by the back of her head and pushed our faces together more firmly. She responded shakily at first but then her lips grew eager and she wrapped her arms around my neck and brought her body closer in to mine. I pushed myself as far as I could toward her, trying to inhale her very essence and lock it inside so that I was never without it again. She returned my starved passion and the licking flames that burned between us on the floor was live enough to burn us both to steaming ash.

"Bella," I whispered raggedly against her mouth, but she didn't answer. All she wanted to do was eat at my lips and fuck, how I wanted to bite the clothes off of her pliant skin.

"Bella," I panted again, not wanting to lose the opportunity to do what I had gone there to do, but she wasn't interested in hearing me, she only wanted to kiss me and in response, she pushed her fingers into my hair and pulled my face toward her harder, attacking me with her tongue and just generally doing a perfect fucking job at encouraging the excitement in my pants. I wanted her then more than I had ever wanted her before, and not just physically, but completely; all of her mind, all of her body and all of her soul and I made a promise to myself that nothing would ever fuck with that image in my head again.

"Bella," I gasped breathlessly, moving my hand from the back of her head to the side of her face where I could trace the line of her cheekbone with my thumb.

"What," she hissed against my lips. "What is so important right this very second?"

"I'm sorry," I said. "For everything."

"Sssshhh," she smiled against my lips. "I don't care about all that anymore. I'm just glad you're here and that I have you. Just give me that and a few more of these kisses and I'll be happy."

"But that's not enough," I whispered and she invaded my mouth with her tongue again. She moved her body forward then like a knowing little vixen and sat directly on top of my erection, and it made me gasp in clouded surprise. Again, she stunned me. That kind of passion and intimacy that such a delicate little creature like her was capable of was amazing. Her physical heat that connected with my budging erection started to swell like an active volcano, ready to explode all over me with the fervor and determination of searing hot molten lava. She squeezed her fists into my hair harder, holding me so tight that I felt my skull protest in blissful, sweet agony.

"Bella," I panted against her ravenous mouth, determined to get the words out even though she wouldn't let me.

"Stop talking," she grunted.

"Let me say it."

Her breathing quickened and she moved her knees up and put her legs around me at the sides of my waist, giving me even better access to the sensation that she pressed down on me.

"You don't have to say anything," she groaned out.

"I have to, and you have to let me."

"Say what Edward," she gasped impatiently. She stopped kissing me then, but she didn't move her face. She pressed her forehead against mine and kept her hands rooted in my hair.

"I'm absolutely sure," I gulped, knowing what I was trying to say but too mixed up to find the right words to express it.

She pulled her face back slightly and frowned.

"Sure about what?"

"About you," I sighed. "No, about us. I want to go back to Esme and Carlisle together and fix it. I want to tell them that no matter what happens, you and I are going to be together and that I don't care who's offended by it or who disagrees. There is no one else for me and I can tell you right here and now that there is no one else for you either. What you've done to me is undoable and I don't ever want it to go away. I couldn't even make it through one fucking day without you. I want to be with you Bella and I was such a coward fool for having doubted that for even the briefest second."

She blinked in discreet shock and I smiled at the way she tried to control the burst of emotion that had to have been exploding through her right then, because fuck, it was exploding through me too.

"Are you sure about this?" She asked in a small voice and despite the dimness of the room, I saw her cheeks flush.

"_Absolutely_," I said and rested my unsteady hand on her shoulder. Her eyes dropped to my hand pensively as she pinned her eyebrows together and I saw the weight of a thousand questions impose on her mind.

"Look," I swallowed nervously. "I'm not….um." I let out a shaky breath of air. "I'm not very good at this level of…well. I've sort of….never actually you know, done this before…so…."

The look in her eyes at the point dried my mouth completely and rendered me speechless.

"Edward?" She whispered and I blinked at her like an anxious twelve year old with shit for courage. I don't know what the fuck came over me, but I just couldn't find the right words to tell her. I tried to express it with every other word and with meaning in my eyes, hoping that this time my eyes would show her what I really wanted her to know. My confidence had evaded me and for once, I was the nervous wreck begging to be pardoned in the hope that she understood.

She took my face in her both hands and stared fervently at me with deep searching eyes, as if she was trying to calculate something.

"Do you understand what I'm trying to say," I went on. "When I say that I'm absolutely sure about you?"

She nodded very slowly and the frown on her brow relaxed.

"Is that ok?" I asked her and she smiled and bit into her bottom lip with a slight squint at the corners of her eyes.

"It's very ok," she answered and besotted me when she released her red, sore lip.

It felt like an entire minute or so of complete silence passed between us after that with us just staring at each other, reading everything that wasn't or couldn't be said, but understanding perfectly anyway. Our kisses after that weren't nearly as desecrating as before and I made sure to pay special attention to her bottom lip, suckling ever so gently to repair the damage she had done to it.

"Isn't it past the time for your painkillers?" She asked after we had eased off a bit.

"I took them before I came over here. I was afraid you'd get hurt, so I took them a bit early. But I swear that if it wasn't for you I would bear the grunt of this stupid injury just to spite myself, but now I have to take care of you."

She smiled at me sweetly then and shook her head with adoring, roaming eyes.

"Edward…" she swallowed, still shaking her head but she never finished. She rested her forehead against mine and sighed in relief. It was enough for me and I wrapped my good arm around her waist and squeezed her. We held on to each other like that for most of the evening, in contenment, just drinking in the presence and goodness of each other and though I doubted that I had much of it left in me, she certainly had a way of making me feel worthy of it.


	32. Chapter 32 He Loves Me!

This Chap has both Bella and Edward's POV. We're ony about half way through now and getting into the nitty gritty. **The song for this chapter can be easily found on Youtube in case you want to find it and have a quick listen.**

Enjoy! Hope you leave me reviews :) Happy reading and thanks for being awesome readers.

**He Loves Me!**

**BPOV**

That night was the first time I noticed the moon over Forks, or maybe I had before, but never appreciated the way the pale blue light danced across everything it touched. I drew my curtains back and leaned against the window sill, welcoming the chill for the first time and turned my face up to the blue rays as if I expected a physical touch. Night suited Forks perfectly. The days were miserable with gray cloudy skies and infinite amounts of damp that clung to the air like wet on a used towel, but at night the sky smiled down on the small town as if in apology for its wretched temper all day long with whispered promises of peaceful and uninterrupted slumber. I liked the night.

When Esme came home earlier, Alice very dutifully knocked on my door to let us know she was home. We didn't do anything hasty or foolish, not that day. Instead, we lazed around on my bed and changed our positions every now and again, always careful not to lose physical contact with each other at any point. He lay quietly next to me with his feet crossed at his ankles while I read one of my English novels for a book report. His left arm was raised over his head against my headboard so that I could rest my head in the crook of his arm. He looked down at me quietly as I read; sometimes uncrossing his legs then crossing them back, and now and again he raised the fingers of his right hand against his chest to stroke my cheek at his side. It was so comforting to lie next to him like that, never needing to fill the silence with the nuisance of our voices and for the first time since probably Charlie, I was able to relax under the uninterrupted gaze of someone else without the slightest inkling of self consciousness.

--------------------------------------------------

Esme found us in the kitchen when she came in and assessed us curiously before smiling politely to Edward and bidding us a good night. I whipped him up a quick dinner of hot chocolate and French toast which he said was his favorite.

"French toast for dinner?" I wondered out loud.

"French toast anytime," he replied with a wide grin.

"I thought some vegetarians didn't eat eggs because they're the by product of an animal? Aren't they like baby chickens or something? That sounds really weird now that I've said it out loud."

He shrugged and chuckled. "No they're not baby chickens and I don't meat because I can't fathom the thought of eating something dead. It freaks me out a little. There's no spiritual or special dietary reason behind the choice, so eggs are fine."

I nodded and gave him what he wanted happily. When Emmett arrived to pick him up, he kissed my both cheeks, my forehead, my nose and then my lips in a quick but soft goodnight before strolling down the path with his long lazy strides.

I pictured him lying next to me when I went to bed later. His legs were so long that he easily covered the length of my bed and the memory made me smile. I replayed the evening in my head from beginning to end, singling out everything he had said, and then I put it all together in a language that suited me.

What I saw in his eyes that night was much, _much_ better than what I saw the day Esme confronted us. He still had that element of torture in his eyes because he was Edward, but this time the torture was beautiful because it was laced with love. I wanted to encourage him to say the actual words because more than anything else I needed to know that he loved me, but instead, I allowed him the time he needed to adjust to the new feeling he had discovered within himself as he was obviously still overwhelmed by it.

_And boys say that _girls_ are full of drama._

It was plain to see in the way he looked at me, the way he flustered, the way he touched me and in the simple way that he adored me that he was in love.

All the angels in heaven couldn't sing as loudly as the resounding beating of my heart when I realized it. His nervous energy was endearing, and because I didn't want to spoil the moment with my insecurities, I let him know that I understood what he was trying to say by retuning his affections as openly as he gave.

How could I not empathize with him? Even as I sat there and realized what was happening between us, I was also overwhelmed by the nature of his message. Even _I_ couldn't get the words out right, or at all, but I refused to make it an issue because Edward and I had a way of saying everything we needed to without words. I hugged myself with my arms on my bed and stared at the ceiling as an idea started to form itself in my head.

It took me ten minutes to burn the CD. The song was already on my playlist because it was one of my favorites. Edward was better with music and I knew he would appreciate it if I spoke to him in his language. Once the CD was burnt, I scribbled a brief message on a torn page and tucked it on the inside of the case. I got a text from him later on that night and I couldn't resist the girlie giggle when I read it.

_'Sweet dreams. I hope I'm in there somewhere,'_ and because it was Edward…. _'I can't _fucking_ wait to see you tomorrow.'_

It made melaugh. I couldn't believe he actually took the time to punch in the letters of the expletive. I responded to him with '_Goodnight, I love you'…._ but then I edited.

'_Goodnight. I can't wait to see you too!'_

Sleep came easily after that and as much as I had grown to love the peace and stillness of the night in Forks, the daytime brought me Edward and there was no way the night could compete with that. I fell asleep listening to the song he wrote for me, willing the sun to come quickly because my boyfriend who loved me couldn't _fucking _wait to see me.

---------------------------------------------------

I went to school with Alice, thankful that Edward and I had managed to fix ourselves before bio day. That day would have started off a lot differently for me if he hadn't come over the night before. Riding to school with Alice was fine, but obviously I preferred the idea of going with Edward instead. I longed for his two weeks of recovery to end so that he could drive again. I wanted to spend every waking minute with him and going to and from school with Alice everyday robbed me of half hour of daytime. That was fifteen minutes to and from school, but then I had to factor in the additional five minutes both ways because with Alice it actually took twenty minutes. So technically I was actually being robbed of forty minutes a day. Forty minutes by five days meant two hundred minutes a week. That was approximately three hours and twenty minutes of lost time and if his injury took two weeks to heal…almost six and a half hours lost. Robbery.

By the time we pulled into the parking lot my eyebrows were properly knitted into a uni-brow from all my overanalyzing, so much so that when she parked, Alice leaned over, turned my face to hers and smoothened out the crease on my forehead with her agile little fingers.

"Sheesh," she sighed. "I didn't think I could fix it. One day it just might stick that way if you're not careful."

I smiled and surprised her with a kiss on her cheek.

"I love you Alice," I said and stepped out of the car with Edward's CD in hand. I wanted to give it to him as soon as I saw him.

He was there already, leaning against Emmett's jeep with the other three; all of them beautiful and striking with their pale skin, perfect features and lithe slender bodies - except of course for the Hulky Emmett. Edward left them and came over to me which was a relief because I wanted to give him the CD privately.

"This is for you," I smiled, slipping it into the inner pocket of his black leather jacket. He raised his eyebrows in surprise and bent his head to kiss me.

"Mornin'," he said and dropped his left arm around my shoulders. "Any instructions before I listen to it?"

"Nope," I answered as he guided me back to the others. "But since you don't have your car, you might need my disk man?"

He chuckled in amusement. "Uh,no. You keep that little guy safe in our bag. I'll take the car keys from one of the guys later."

"Is there something wrong with using my disk man?" I pouted. "Because that's the second time you've turned it down."

"Nooooo," he said, fighting back an ensuing fit of laughter. "It just suits you better than it would me. I'd much rather listen in the privacy and quiet of a car anyway."

"Good enough," I answered and then the bell rang and I begrudgingly parted ways with him. I'd have had more than fifteen minutes of him already if it weren't for that injury of his. I looked at it gloomily.

"See you in bio," he winked, and every time he did that I felt my insides flutter.

----------------------------------------

The first periods dragged on purpose as I expected it would but it made no since arguing with the concept of time. When the bell finally rang, I started shoving my books hastily into my bag and my phone started to vibrate in my pocket. In my haste to grab at it because I knew it was Charlie, it slipped out of my hand and fell to the floor and so I missed the call.

I hurried out into the hall and redialed him as my chest swelled in rapt anxiety. He was probably trying to return my call from the day before and for some strange reason he didn't answer when I called him back.

"C'mon Charlie," I complained as I walked through the halls to Biology. The moment I walked into the lab the sight of Edward sitting at our table with his head bent hit me and my heart skipped in elation. I willingly forced Charlie to the back of my head then and Edward raised his eyes out of his text when I sat next to him.

"Hey beautiful," he smiled with one side of his mouth slanted upward. I swore he did that on purpose. He was sinfully flirty.

"Hi," I blushed and dropped my things on the table in front of me. I could tell that he hadn't listened to the CD yet and the more the morning progressed the more jittery I got. The response I had gotten from him for the last CD I made was more than worth the nervous wait and I wondered if that day would be anything like it. I hoped it would be.

"You might have to do all the work today," he said.

"Work?"

He budged his arm in the sling. "I'm right handed."

"Right," I nodded. "Of course. No problem."

For most of the lab I did the practical tasks, with him giving input and guidance over my shoulder. It was very cozy actually and once or twice he grazed the tip of his nose against my shoulder which would have been all the better if I didn't have on two layers of fabric between us.

Half way through the lab I felt my head spin only slightly and after blinking a couple of times it went away. Nearing the end of the lab, I started feeling awfully tired and lightheaded and a glimpse of Charlie's gap loomed mockingly in the back of my mind. I sighed in relief when we were done with the experiment, actually glad that it was over because my concentration started to dwindle and Charlie's face had become a paranormal distraction in my head.

"Are you ok?" Edward asked as he hovered over my shoulder.

"Yeah," I nodded. "Just a little lightheaded, nothing to worry about."

He frowned and I hated having him worry about me all the time. It was always something with me and I was completely irritated by that fact. So long as I wasn't in any kind of crippling pain, the bearable stuff I intended to deal with silently. He didn't have to know about everything that passed between Charlie and me.

"You sure?" He asked again and raised his eyes to my forehead with a worried look on his face.

"Sure," I smiled. "Come on, we have to finish writing this up."

Thankfully he didn't probe any further. When class was over we walked into the cafeteria hand in hand. The PDA was new to the both of us and I think we were fine with it as long as we kept it at innocent level one PDA and not the embarrassing third base levels that Emmett and Rosalie got to without the slightest qualms about who was looking.

"Emmett," Edward said as we got to our table. Emmett winked at me mischievously and it made me blush. He was such a playful goof and I kept getting the urge to give him a bear hug.

"I need your keys," Edward continued.

"Edward," Emmett complained. "I'm not letting you drive the jeep with your arm like that."

"I'm not driving anywhere, I just need to listen to something on the CD player, give it."

Emmett glanced at us suspiciously, each in turn, then pulled his key out of his pocket and chucked it at Edward.

"No funny business kids. I just got it cleaned."

"Shut up Emmett," Edward exhaled and brushed him off. He turned to me then.

"You coming?"

"Um…." I squinted in hesitation. "Wait for you here?"

He kissed my forehead quickly then walked out of the cafeteria. I looked at him retreat toward the exit, feeling my heart flutter like a trapped butterfly inside of my chest.

The lightheaded feeling zoomed back into focus then and I remembered Charlie. The hint of his gap was still there, hanging in the balance, too weak to be dangerous but still present and oddly idle. Unlike any of the times before, it wasn't an ominous presence in my head and the dizziness and tiredness that came with it wasn't unbearable. Alice and Jasper appeared soon after and they settled down on the table in the middle of their playful banter.

"Bellalita," Emmett said to me with slightly concerned features. "Why is your face so red?" I touched my face blankly with my fingertips and looked over at Alice for input.

"It's not that bad," she said. "You just look a little flushed. It's only noticeable because you're so pale. Do you feel ok?"

"I feel fine," I lied, knowing very well that some sort of energy was transferring between Charlie and me right then. I thought about going outside in case another attack was on its way, but the gap was very faint and I didn't feel anxious so I decided to stay put until Edward came back.

Alice slid a sandwich over to me as she always did and I thanked her. I bounced my leg restlessly under the table while I picked at the ham sandwich, thinking about Edward in the jeep with the song. I couldn't eat a single bite of the sandwich because for some reason the smell of it made me want to vomit, not to mention the fact that Rosalie wouldn't stop staring at me. Emmett, Jasper and Alice were in a heated dispute about _The Coyote and the Road Runner_ of all things. The point of their argument failed to register to me. In the midst of it Rosalie continued to stare and when our eyes met, she didn't attempt to look away. It made me self conscious and when I looked down at my sandwich again I realized that I had shredded the bread to a pile of crumbs and scattered the cold bits of lettuce and ham at the sides. She glanced at my art work briefly before raising her curious stare to me again.

"You look terrible," she said in a flat tone. The other three stopped talking when they heard her and all eyes shifted to me. I swallowed and straightened my back, suddenly noticing a welcomed change in my breathing as I sat up. I hadn't even noticed before the shift in posture that my breathing was shallow and labored.

"You really are very flushed Bella," Alice frowned and her eyes betrayed a hint of panic. I knew what she was thinking so I shook my head at her consolingly and tried to quell her worry that something was about to happen between Charlie and me. I saw her try to control her expression so that she would alert Jasper. She had never told him about my 'condition' and for that, I was thankful.

"I think I just need some fresh air," I stood up and crinkled my nose at her. "I'll be back."

"You sure?" She asked.

"Yeah. Actually, I think I'll just go find Edward. See you guys later." I gathered the mess I had made with the sandwich as best as I could and dumped it all into the bin on my way out of the cafeteria.

**EPOV**

She handed me a CD at school that morning and I can't say that I wasn't impressed and excited by it. She was getting to know me and I realized early on that the song would be about what had happened between us the day before.

It felt really fucking good that we were able to go back to way things were before our "break up". There was a new kind of sweetness between us that replaced the impassioned and desperate grabbing at each other and our new found energy had us ogling constantly and looking for any reason to touch each other. It was nothing that I was accustomed to, nothing that I knew I had in me, and it was fucking incredible.

I took Emmett's keys from him during the lunch period and headed out to listen to whatever it was she wanted to say to me with music. I absolutely loved when we communicated that way. The right lyrics had a way of bridging the gap between introversion and release and sometimes it was the perfect way of finding the right words that had a way of evading me.

I wanted her to come with me to the jeep but she stayed behind because she was nervous and that only made me want to hear the song more. As I walked out to the jeep I wondered if there anything such as a healthy obsession because surely I was obsessed or maybe even possessed by her. Forget the fine line between love and lust, the blurred line in my mind was between love and obsession, or maybe it was just that I loved her so intensely that it resembled obsession. I wasn't the type to do anything in fucking moderation anyway, so it was quite possible that I had developed a condition riddled with all of the above.

I turned on the ignition and shoved the CD into the player. As I expected, there was a piece of paper tucked away inside of the case. I saved it for afterward and read what was written on the CD case itself as the song began to play.

_'More than Words_,' by Extreme.

_Saying I love you  
Is not the words I want to hear from you  
It's not that I want you not to say, _  
_but if you only knew  
How easy it would be to show me how you feel_  
_More than words is all you have to do to make it real  
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me  
Cause I'd already know_

_What would you do if my heart was torn in two  
More than words to show you feel  
That your love for me is real  
What would you say if I took those words away  
Then you couldn't make things new  
Just by saying I love you_

_More than words  
Now that I've tried to talk to you and make you understand  
All you have to do is close your eyes  
And just reach out your hands and touch me  
Hold me close don't ever let me go  
More than words is all I ever needed you to show  
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me  
Cause I'd already know_

_What would you do if my heart was torn in two  
More than words to show you feel  
That your love for me is real_  
_What would you say if I took those words away  
Then you couldn't make things new  
Just by saying I love you_

_More than words_

I almost torpedoed out of the car halfway through the song, but out of respect for the time she took to prepare the CD for me, I sat restlessly and listened. She got it right. For once, I communicated good with my eyes. She knew that I loved her and she knew that I had trouble putting it into words and best of all was that she was fucking ok with it. All she needed was for me to show it to her and that was just what I was about to do.

I turned off the car, took the CD out and jumped out of the jeep with my note in my hand.

It said_… 'I love you too Edward.'_

I shoved the CD back into my jacket pocket as I felt the barriers in my chest cave and crumble into rubble. She was already walking out into the parking lot as I made my way back. The first thing I noticed was how flushed her face was, like she was over heated or something and the look of her incited a physical, nostalgic reaction in my chest. She had looked exactly like that the day we had fooled around in my bed. When she saw me, she smiled and waved.

_Fuck_ she was beautiful.

"You liked it," she said and I guessed it was obvious by the look on my face. I took her hand and led her out to the spot where we had our first kiss, completely out of sight. When we got to the wall, I positioned her back against it and pressed my forehead to hers. She took a deep breath, rubbed our noses together and then we kissed with her face cupped in my hands. I tried to be all tender and shit with her because I had regretted the way I kissed her the last time we were there. When the kiss was over she raised her eyes to me and smiled.

"All I needed was to know," she said in her incredibly sexy, raspy voice. "And now I do."  
"But in any event," I said, and seeing that the internal barriers had just caved in, "I love you."

There, I had done it and funny enough it came out after a song like '_More Than Words.'_

I didn't even need to hear her say it back to me, because I felt it in her reception and I saw it in her eyes. We started kissing again but every so often she would turn her head to the side and suck in a short breath of air. I ignored it the first two times, but by the third time I realized that something was up.

"Why are you doing that?"

She raised an eyebrow.

"You're breathing funny." I dropped my eyes to her chest to see that her breathing was shallow and faster than usual. I was as narcissistic as they came, but I knew that wasn't a reaction to me kissing her. My eyes moves up to her neck and I saw the way her neck muscles tensed with every breath she took as if she was using them to force in air. I stepped back a bit and looked at her from head to toe to see if I could find anything else.

"If I'm breathing funny," she said. "It's because you have that kind of effect on me, silly. And it's cold out here, so make me warm."

She pulled me back against her and started kissing me again and though she made it deep and insanely arousing with her roaming hands, I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right; especially when she pulled away again to take in a sharp mouthful of air at the side. That did it.

"Bella," I said tartly, pulling away again to look at her. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," she sighed and closed her eyes. Her face was still flushed and I knew that if I pointed it out to her she would tell me some crap about me making her blush even though she was that shade before I even touched her. I repressed the urge to nag because I didn't want her to recoil and get evasive.

"Wanna sit?" I asked her. She looked down at the floor and considered it for a moment, then agreed.

"Should I be worried? Should I ask the obvious question here?" I asked as we sat.

"I'm just a little lightheaded and maybe it's making me breathe funny. It's happened before. I just need to relax and breathe in the fresh air for a bit until it passes. I promise it's nothing to get worked up about. Please don't stress out."

"Ok," I accepted her explanation. "If you need to lie down on me, go ahead." She nodded.

"You haven't eaten lunch," she said.

"Neither have you," and for a moment I thought that perhaps that was why she was lightheaded. "Is that it? Should you be eating?"

"I'm not hungry," she and closed her eyes again. I knew she wasn't being completely honest with me but I tried not to let it upset me, and besides, I really wanted to avoid another fight.

I thought about how I would react if I was nagged to reveal something that I didn't want to talk about. Nagging pissed me off and was the least effective way to get me to talk. The last thing I wanted was to be her nag. I appreciated the fact that perhaps she wasn't ready to talk about whatever it was and there was also the possibility that I was way too focused on her. Perhaps I was just being paranoid, but just in case, I kept my eyes on her and monitored her for any signs of a Charlie attack.

I observed how she sat with her back perfectly straight and pressed against the wall and her neck still showed slight signs of muscle use. She looked all uptight and shit and I didn't like it one bit. With her eyes closed I was able to observe her comfortably without feeling like an intruder and I decided that it was her shallow breathing that bothered me the most. The flush on her face didn't go away either, not even with the chill in the air.

The only thing that offered any comfort was the fact that every Charlie incident that I'd witnessed so far involved extreme amounts of pain and physical discomfort and this didn't look like anything like that. It was different and she was calm, despite her twitching neck muscles. However, I also had to factor in her ability to contain large amounts of pain without complaint. Her body had proven itself to be a hard little nut to crack, so it wasn't entirely far fetched to think that she really was in pain but knew how to mask it expertly. Like she said to me when we were fighting; she was accustomed to it.

"Are you in pain Bella?" I asked because just looking at her and trying to guess what was going on wasn't making me fell any better.

"No," she smiled with her eyes still closed. "I promise you, I'm not in pain. Just lightheaded. Maybe you're right and I need to eat. It's probably low blood sugar." Her voice sounded calm enough. There was no hint of strain or pain anywhere.

"Fuck Bella," I complained, shoving my hair out of my eyes. "You eat like a picky two year old. If you know you should eat, why the fuck don't you eat?"

She opened her eyes and shot me an aggravated look and I immediately regretted my callousness with her.

"Sorry," I grumbled and she closed her eyes again. The entire lunch period passed with her sitting like that, like an entranced gypsy on the verge of levitating. When the bell rang she opened her eyes and smiled.

"All better," she said, just like fucking that.

"What?"

She leaned over and dropped a light kiss onto my lips then ruffled my hair, effectively wiping away every ounce of aggravation in me. She knew how to handle my moodiness and temper without taking it personally. She was small, fragile looking and easily underestimated, but my girl was as tough as concrete nails.

"I'll see you after school," she smiled and stood up unsteadily. I was certain that I saw her sway a bit when she stood, and against my better judgment, I ignored it. I walked her to her class even though mine was on the other side of the quad and when we got to the classroom door I looked her square in the eye and issued a warning.

"I want you to call me if you start feeling sick," I said. She frowned playfully and scratched my belly with her fingers.

"I'm fine Edward. Thanks for walking me to class."

"Call me Bella," I raised a warning finger and narrowed my eyes at her like a school teacher. "I'll be very upset if something happened to you and you kept it from me."

No matter what she said or how flippant she pretended to be, I knew she was hiding something and I wished she'd have given me more credit than to think she could fool me so easily. I knew my fucking girl better than even she knew.

She nodded her head in agreement, widened her smile then mouthed the words _"Love you," _and went into class.

---------------------

I bounced my heels off the floor irritably in every class that afternoon, glancing at my cell on the desk in front of me every few seconds to see if she was calling. Tanya sat directly in front me twice and more than once she dropped something on the floor and had to bend over exaggeratedly to pick it up, making sure to flash the fluorescent straps of her thong that came up around her hips in the process. I rolled my eyes and tried not to look and even if I did it was because sometimes human nature had a way of overruling better sense. If a girl bent over right in front of me, the natural first thing to do was to look down at her ass, _then_ reject it if need be, and Tanya's ass was an ass that I knew well. There was nothing left to the imagination with her so there was no excitement on my part.

In fact, what it made me do was wonder what kind of underwear Bella wore and what color it would be. She didn't strike me as a thong kind of girl, but then Bella had a way of surprising me.

White, the color would be white because it was neutral and it was simple and she'd try to avoid the stress of deciding on a color to match her mood. Well at least she'd start that way I guessed, but by the time she got to her top, she'd either consciously or unconsciously choose something to reflect her state of mind. She usually wore dull colors like brown or black or beige. When she was angry the day before, she wore a dark orange t-shirt under her ugly mustard color coat. Orange was a contentious color and even though red would have been more appropriate, she would have unconsciously tried to tone it down because she wouldn't have wanted to draw attention to herself.

That day though, she wore a deep blue top and even though she didn't take off her coat, I saw the color through the front of her open coat. I also noticed that she wore the coat that I told her I had liked, instead of the one that looked like a worn fireman's thing.

Tanya bent down again to go after something. I rolled my eyes and turned away and bounced my leg harder under the desk. It wasn't a good idea to be analyzing the color of Bella's underwear, because then I would have to find out and if I got her down to her underwear, fuck…how would I stop myself at just the color of it?

I wiped my hand over my face and sat up in the chair. Tanya and Bella were like chalk and cheese and I got to thinking about that phrase. What a shitty thing to equate a girl to; chalk or cheese. Who the fuck came up with that saying anyway and if I had to choose, which one would I? I tapped my pen on the desk and decided on cheese on the basis that I could eat it, as opposed to chalk. So I agreed that Bella was cheese because I liked the idea of eating her. Tanya ended up being chalk because chalk was brittle and hard and good for only one thing, writing on a blackboard, just like Tanya was good for only one thing…

The analogy distracted me from taking notes which was useless anyway since my writing arm was in a sling and I had long since discovered that I was in no way ambidextrous….well, with writing anyway.

When the final bell for the day rang, I let out a relieved sigh and rushed out. I had obsessed about Bella all fucking afternoon and had worried about whether she was sick or not.

"Dude you ready?" Emmett asked in the parking lot.

"You in a hurry?" I responded.

"Kinda," he answered with Rosalie under his arm. "I have plans."

I grunted because Bella wasn't even out yet.

"Go ahead, I'll wait for Jasper," I said.

Rosalie shot me a blank look then sauntered over to her red Mercedez parked next to Emmett's jeep. Emmett had offered to take her school many times but she declined repeatedly so that she could be seen arriving in and dismounting her shiny carriage; again - chalk and cheese.

_I'll stick with my cheese thank you very much_, I thought. _I love my cheese. Thank God for cheese. _

I shook my head in amusement as I realized how near the edge of 'weirdom' I was when I saw Bella and Jasper walking down the front steps together. She looked so pretty when she smiled.

"Hey Jazz," I said. Bella seemed to be breathing normal again. I scanned every inch of her that I could see with my eyes before I was satisfied that she was ok. "Can I get a ride with you?"

"Sure, whatever," he said, looking around for Alice then. I took Bella's hand and strolled over to the Porsche with her.

"See," she said with a cheeky grin. "I'm fine."

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That night I started a journal, and not the girlie kind where they sit down and write a shit load of crap about boys and other bitches, no. It was more like a log of symptoms to track Bella's health so that I could monitor her and deduce my own conclusions without having to nag her repeatedly about it. She was obviously experiencing something that day that she didn't want to talk about. I would have been hurt except that my worry about her was more dominant and all I really cared about was that she was ok, like she said she was. She wasn't the type to lie but I knew she was quite capable of hiding shit very well, and I also knew that she hid when she didn't want people to worry about her.

I made up my mind to monitor her from a safe distance with the intention of confronting her the moment things looked scary. I opened a Word Doc on my Mac and typed with my left hand.

**Day 1 - Monday**

Two bad migraines - Charlie

**Day 2 - Tuesday**

Shallow breathing

Tensing of neck muscles when inhaling

Lightheadedness

Flushed face

She swayed when she stood up (possible dizziness)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was all I had so far. The alarm on my wrist watch started beeping with my reminder to take my medication so I walked over to my dresser and popped the two pain killers and my antibiotics, ten minutes before I was due.

The journal was a solid idea. For the time being I accepted that she needed to keep me in the dark for what ever reasons she had, but if those symptoms got worse or became too frequent, I would make her tell me what the fuck was going on. I knew that she was in tune with her own body so she'd have known exactly what was happening.

She didn't come over to my house that evening because at the last minute she realized that Esme was on her way over to see Carlisle and she felt weird about being at the house with Esme there. I couldn't go over to her house either, or to the Oak with her, because Carlisle was home and Emmett was out with Rosalie so I had no ride, and driving was out of the question with Carlisle around. And after Bella's two incidents behind the wheel of the Porsche, I decided to scratch the idea of her coming to get me off the list as well.

We decided to call it a day and made up for it by talking on the phone. When we were down to two second intervals between each one of her yawns, even though it was only 7pm, I urged her off the phone so that she could go to sleep. She sounded exhausted and agreed to hang up without arguing.

I went back to my log then and added something to Day 2…

Fatigue.


	33. Chapter 33 Three is a Crowd

I really hope there are no typos in this chap. I re-read it two times for errors but I'm sure I still missed a few. Forgive me if you find any. Happy reading. Looking forward to your reviews.

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**Chapter 33**

**Three is a Crowd**

Who'd have thought that I was capable of keeping something from Edward? Hiding from him before he said he loved me was easy because I was insecure about the depth of his attachment and I had feared that if he knew the whole truth, it would be too much for him. Yet, even after I knew that he loved me I still couldn't make myself open up completely or show him every single chink in my armor.

My reasons for hiding this time were different. I wasn't trying to protect myself anymore; I was trying to protect _him_ from turning into a version of me. I knew what it felt like to be constantly worried about someone you loved, always obsessing about them, always anxious, always scared and always hurting. The effect was crippling and it had turned me into a zombie of sorts, and whereas it was too late for me, Edward still had a chance to love freely without the stains of my connection to Charlie.

I had no choice in the matter of being sold to Charlie's demons and I still couldn't say that I was ready to move on from it either, not even with my new connection to Edward. If there was a way to rid myself of Charlie's demons I prayed never to find it because I loved and missed him too much and being bound to him kept me close to him. I knew that in a way it wasn't entirely fair to Edward as my decision to suffer by Charlie's side may have hurt him. He rebuked the idea of it and I was sure that he if he could, he would cure me of it. However, I had made that decision for myself long before I even knew Edward. It was a private and internal struggle that I had to bear, in silence.

There had to be a way to have them both in my life without one suffering because of the other. I hoped that the gods above would find favor with me and spare me from the dreadful decision of ever having to choose between them. Charlie was a part of my soul, he was the root of my past and he was my father; I couldn't hurt him. Edward on the other hand was a part of my heart, my present and hopefully my future. I didn't want to hurt him either.

Again I was torn by my circumstances, between the two things I knew I couldn't live without. It was inconceivable to live in a world where they couldn't both a part of my life at the same. Perhaps it was possible once, but not anymore, not since Edward said that he loved me. Together they occupied my mind, continuously idling in synchronization, side by side, competing for my undivided attention.

I thought also about the rooms in Edward's house that were locked for years, the ones he didn't want me to see and didn't like me asking about. Perhaps I understood a little better seeing that I acknowledged that I also had something to hide. I didn't know if he would ever be ready to open those doors to me or anyone else, but regardless, I decided not to push him anymore where they were concerned because I didn't want him pushing me to tell him what I couldn't. For his sake, I had to keep him at a safe distance about the extent of Charlie's effect on me.

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Tuesday night after we said good bye on the phone I called Charlie even though I was on the verge of falling asleep. I had been tired all day long but I needed to talk to him about what I had been feeling since the day before, but because he was all the way in Florida in some kind of trouble with no Uncle Phil nearby to check up on him, I found myself in the familiar and weary situation of reaching out to the ever retreating ghost of Charlie. I worried about him impossibly more because he was so out of reach and the more I worried about him the less patient I grew and the angrier I got.

If I could have locked the man up in a room with a straight jacket on I would have. The only thing that comforted me was his gap in my head and that it hadn't gone away since Monday. Once his gap was alive it meant that he was alive and I found solace in that. That was the first time it ever lasted that long or was ever that vague; indecisive even, as if it didn't know whether or not to bring on an attack. I waited all day long on Tuesday, wondering when a full on attack would hit me, but it never did. The only things I felt were tiredness, lightheadedness, short breath, dizziness, and nausea when I was around food. I was apparently flushed as well but that didn't seem to last very long. The fact that these things were transferring to me meant that they were a side effect of some sort of self destructive thing he was doing. Maybe it was his drinking or some strange kind of hangover but there was no way to know for sure, not unless he answered the goddamned phone and talked to me.

Getting through to Charlie on any freaking level was like pulling teeth and the older he got, the more of a baby he turned into.

At seven o'clock that night, just before hanging up with Edward, the short breath and lightheadedness came back. I had to sit up on my bed with my back perfectly straight or else I wouldn't be able to get in a proper breath of air. An hour had passed and my breathing was still shallow and when I tried to stand up it felt like the room was about to close in on me in a black cloud. I dialed Charlie like five times in stringent determination until finally he answered and I almost broke down in tears of relief when he did.

"Hey Bella," he said in a dry, flat tone and I wondered where the _happy to hear from me voice_ went to.

"Charlie?" I questioned because he sounded so oddly….different.

"Yes Bella. It's me."

I paused for a while and readjusted myself on the bed.

"Should I even ask if you're ok?" I was slightly out of breath because of the shallow breathing, so I kept my sentences as short as possible.

"I'm fine," he inhaled. "I tried calling you today."

"I know," I breathed. "I missed the call. I dropped my phone."

"You called yesterday."

"I did," I replied. I observed that his sentences were short as well and that he sounded out of breath. "Um, there was a really bad headache. Terrible actually. Two of them, like migraines… and of course I worried that…."

"You got a headache," he interrupted me.

"Two."

"And you assumed," he inhaled, "…that it was me?"

"I didn't have to assume anything," I answered. "I knew. You know I can tell."

He sighed but didn't respond.

"You won't lie to me," I said, suddenly very terrified that he might. He never lied to me. He hid things, but he never lied.

"No," he said. "But it's nothing to worry about."

"Still tell me."

"Bella…"

"Dad," I pleaded. "For me. Please. You're so far away. It's worse now."

"How can it be worse?"

"I told you it would be."

"It doesn't make sense."

"The further away you are," I breathed. "The more I miss you. The more I think about…."

"Then stop," he cut me off again and I blanched. He was being uncharacteristically brief and cold with me and it hurt. Where was his warmth? Where was the affection and tenderness that he found in himself for only me even in the midst of his pain and bitterness?

"Why are you acting like this?" I asked.

He sighed again.

"It's for your own good Bella. You have to stop."

"I don't know how to. I don't want to."

"You need to. Find the will. For your own sake. You scare me."

"I scare _you_?" I asked incredulously and my throat started to close up. "How is that even possible?"

"Every time Bella. Every time," he paused to breathe after every few words. "I can't make mistakes. I can't live my life. I'm never comfortable. I'm always scared about you getting hurt. I want it to stop." He kept his phrases short so that he could inhale between them.

"I'm a burden to you," I realized, feeling tears sting my eyes. "I knew it was difficult, but…never with you. What's happening to you?"

"Life happened to me."

"You're bitter."

"I'm human."

"What caused the headaches Charlie?" I stretched my torso upward further looking for more relief.

"I don't know Bella," he was getting impatient. I could hear him struggle with his breathing and listening to it made mine worse because it made me focus on it. "It was a hang over and there weren't two headaches. It was just one, a very long one that lasted all day," he stopped to breathe. "…into the night. So you see. You _can _actually," and again,"… get a headache all on your own Bella. Maybe the second one was yours."

I shook my head. He could never have convinced me of that because his gap was right there through it all, nursing the pain like a mother to her newborn.

"I want you to get better."

"Eventually. Maybe," he grunted.

"Answer one more."

"What."

"Short breath?"

He sighed impatiently. "Yes."

"Dizzy?"

"Sometimes."

"Lightheaded?"

"Yes Bella. Yes. That's more than one."

"What's causing it?"

"I'm not a doctor."

"I'm breathing just like you. I can hear it."

He didn't respond.

"Do you drink everyday?"

"Don't start."

"Answer."

"What do _you_ think?!" He snapped.

I closed my eyes and started to cry then. I was losing him because he was losing himself. Already he was sounding like a different person and I hated it. With my crying, my breathing got worse and my chest bucked and wheezed as I forced air in and out of me.

"Bella relax," he said, in a panicked tone. I even thought I heard a trace of guilt in it.

I ended up choking on my tears and a coughing fit ensued. It was horrible. I dropped my phone on the floor and grabbed onto my chest in a desperate panic. I coughed so hard that there was virtually no time in between to inhale properly. I think I even fell off the bed though I never felt it in my hysteria. The last thing I remember was groping in the darkness when suddenly everything went black.

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When I opened my eyes again I was sprawled on my back against my pillows and the room was dark. I pushed myself up slowly into a seated position and looked around in utter disorientation.

"Bella."

I jumped in shock, not realizing that I had company. It was Esme. She flicked on the light and in response, I fell back onto my pillows and pulled the covers over my head to block the light out…and her.

"What do you want?" I grunted from underneath. I felt her weight settle on the bed next to me. I knew she was there to wail and fuss about what had happened.

"How are you feeling?" She didn't sound happy. Her voice was tight and stressed, the way she had come to sound whenever she dealt with me.

"I'm ok," I answered, still under the covers. Seeing the face that matched that sound in her voice would be avoided for as long as possible. "Why?"

"Your father called."

When I didn't move or respond to her she pulled the covers away slowly to uncover my face. I tried to avoid her eyes, but they forced me in.

"How is he?" I asked, doing a terrible job at nonchalance.

She shook her head and sighed. "He called me in a panic when you stopped responding to him." Then she lifted my cell to show me and placed it on the bed between us.

"Oh," I replied.

"What's going on Bella?"

"Nothing."

"I found you passed out on the floor. I was two seconds from taking you to the hospital until you started tossing. Why do you insist on shutting me out? If you're not well I need to know."

"I'm not sick," I promised her. Her eyes were red which meant she had been crying. I hated myself then, for being the weak disappointment that I was and for being the bad seed. Seeing her stressed like that was exactly why I shut her out. I hated being the continuous cause of her problems…everyone's problems. The less they all knew the better for them.

"Tell me what happened."

"I just fainted, that's all."

"He wouldn't tell me, but I can guess. It was him wasn't it?"

I took a deep breath and averted my eyes from hers.

"Bella?"

"No."

"So then I can take you to Carlisle," it was a statement, not a question.

"_Carlisle? What on earth for?"_

"Well if it's not Charlie it means there's something wrong with _you. _People don't just pass out and faint like that. You probably have low blood pressure or something."

"I'm not sick. There's nothing wrong with me."

"So then it was _Charlie_."

"Ok! Yes! Are you happy now?" I yelled at her and threw my hands in the air, hoping that the truth would get her off my back.

"You're going to Dr. Black," she said in her matter of fact tone as she got up and started walking away.

It turned out that the truth didn't help after all. It made it worse.

"No!" I screamed at her retreating form. She whipped her body around and faced me with defiant eyes and a pointed finger at me.

"You may not want to get better," she bit out. "But I'll be damned if I let that man destroy you. Just look at you!"

"What's wrong with me?!"

"You _are_ sick Bella…you're sick with _him_! He's a disease! I can see his deterioration all over you. It's disgusting. I want him out. I want him out of our lives and I want him out of yours until he can fix himself."

"Shut up!" I screamed at her in a fit of furious tears. I grabbed at the sheet and tossed it off the bed. "Don't you _dare_ say that! How can you say things like that!! I'll never let you do it!"

"I'm not arguing anymore," she snapped, though her voice trembled. "I love you and I won't let this continue. You're going to the doctor on Saturday and so help me God, you will cooperate."

She closed my door on her way out without giving me an opportunity to rebut. I flipped over onto my stomach and buried my face into my pillows so that I could scream and wail in frustration over the way she mad manipulated me into admitting the truth. She could not force me to go to Jacob Black's office again. I had made up my mind and I was prepared to fight tooth and nail to get her to back down.

---------------------------------------

The morning after was wet and rainy and I woke up late after a night of crying and hating the world. Alice was standing over me when I opened my eyes, dressed already and poking at my shoulder. The sight of her perfectly made up face only made me want to roll over and go back to sleep. She reeked of 'school.'

"Let's go Bella," she said. "I'll wait for you. You've made me late, but I'll wait for you. Get up, get showered and dress. I'll be in the kitchen." I groaned and grumbled and dragged my feet to the shower with her right at my heels with a towel over her shoulder. The surrogate mother thing really had to stop. Dealing with Esme was bad enough and the two of them at the same time was a sure recipe for murder. Charlie's gap was still in my head that morning and every time I closed my eyes I saw it wobble like a piteous thing banned to the corner of my thoughts.

The only thing that gave me any incentive to obey Alice that morning was the thought of seeing Edward in school. I glanced at Alice a few times on the way. She was singing something to herself in that high pitched voice of hers, bobbing her head and being all happy and gay. I felt miserable. I had gotten next to no sleep, my hair and clothes were damp from the rain, I was freaking cold, annoyed with Charlie and pissed off with Esme. Meanwhile Alice was bouncing up and down in the driver's seat like Tinkerbell.

Even though we were five minutes after the bell, Edward was waiting for me in the parking lot. In the midst of everything that had happened with me the night before, I had forgotten how good it was to see and smell him. He was a welcomed distraction from my family drama. I felt starved for his affection and when he came over to meet me, I threw myself against him and held him tightly.

"Whoa," he said as he hugged me back. "Happy to see me?"

"See you guys at lunch," Alice said and left us in the abandoned lot.

"I am so happy to see you," I managed a big smile for him. I really was very happy to see him.

"You're late today. Not much sleep last night?" He asked as we walked into the building hand in hand.

"Why?"

"Your eyes are reddish and under your eyes look bluish."

"I tried to sleep," I sighed. "But couldn't for a long while."

"But you were so tired when I talked to you. You were yawning all over the phone."

"I know," I shrugged. "Ever heard the saying too tired to sleep?"

"No."

"Well it's possible."

"Hmmm." He dropped me off at my class and my heart sank when I realized I wouldn't be seeing him for another few hours. I felt like I only got him in small doses.

"Aw, you miss me already," he laughed at my expression and I stuck my tongue out at him. "How about going to the Oak later? We can do our homework. We haven't been there in a while."

My face lit up at his suggestion, finally some quality and undisturbed one on one time with him.

"Great," I nodded. "I'd like that very much."

"See you at lunch," he bent over and kissed me, then I watched him walk away. So far I wasn't doing too badly at keeping him unsuspecting about my condition. The only thing that troubled me was my doctor's appointment with Jacob Black on Saturday. I didn't know to get out of telling him about that.

As stubborn as I was, I knew Esme would find a way to con me into going. She would use some form of guilt or manipulation against me and I'd have give in to her. Edward would ask why and I'd have to explain to him about the Charlie thing and then he might get upset that I didn't tell him about what was happening. I shook it off and decided to worry about that closer to Saturday. At the moment I had Charlie to deal with because the moment Edward left me, the enduring gap in my head stretched and my head started spinning again.

I also noticed something new. Whenever I was with Edward and completely focused on him, any discomfort relating to Charlie faded away a lot quicker than it would have if I was alone. It happened the both times I had suffered from the migraine on Monday. The moment he held on to me and I heard his voice, it started to dissipate and I wondered whether it was his effect on me that had stopped it in the janitor's room the first time. Charlie said that he had only one migraine, a very long one, so then the second time it happened wasn't actually a second migraine. It was the same one that Charlie had all day long, though I got a reprieve somewhere in the middle after having been with Edward.

I pondered it all morning in class between my note taking. I tried hard to focus on my classes and for the most part I got everything I needed to from my lectures, but sure enough, my mind wandered back and forth between Edward and Charlie and about the theory I was beginning to develop. By the end of all the morning periods I was entirely exhausted again and could barely keep my head from falling over.

The bell rang for lunch and I watched as everyone else packed up and left the classroom. Mike sent me a wink from the doorway and signaled something to me with his hands which I didn't get and thankfully he left without coming over to talk. Before I knew it I was alone in the classroom staring into space like a drugged zombie. My head hadn't stopped spinning and though I consciously willed myself to get up and walk to the cafeteria I couldn't get my body to respond. Just the thought of walking exhausted me so decided I put my head down on the desk, intending to do so for only a couple of minutes; just long enough for a power nap. Just to make sure that I didn't fall into a deep sleep I set the alarm on my cell for two minutes away, thinking that I would still be able to make it to cafeteria in good time.

Of course it didn't work that way and I cursed the gods again for their lack of compassion and determination to see me fail. Even though I had set my alarm, I never remembered to switch the goddamned mode back to normal and because my cell was on silent, I didn't hear the stupid alarm go off and the fricking buzz of the vibrator wasn't loud enough to shake me out of my slumber.

It was Edward's voice that eventually pulled me out.

"Bella, you need to get up now," he said and I felt his hand shake me gently. "You only have five more minutes until the bell rings." I shot my head up in a stupor and frowned into space for a few seconds.

"What?" I gasped as I looked around in confusion. "Edward?"

His eyes were focused and gentle, but unsmiling.

"Drink this quickly before we go," he said and pushed a covered foam cup of something warm in front of me. I scowled at the cup of coffee and blinked. I hated coffee and lukewarm coffee was even wore, but I sipped it anyway because I needed something to wake the crap out of me.

"Before we go where?" I asked feeling a little humiliated that he had found me sleeping in the classroom. It had just registered and apparently the entire lunch hour had passed.

"To your next class," he said.

"How did you know where to find me?"

"I asked Mike Newton where your last class was before lunch," he answered. "I'd have found it anyway. I like walking you to class remember?"

"Thanks," I managed a small smile in spite of my embarrassment, only too grateful that he had saved me from the hoards of students who would have piled into the class for the next period.

"How long where you here?" I asked.

"The whole time," he sighed and pushed his hair out his eyes. He was present and concerned, but at the same time he seemed distracted by something.

"You're very tired," he noticed, surveying me with his glass like emerald eyes.

"Yeah," I frowned and rubbed at my eyes with my fists. "I got a lot less sleep last night than I thought."

"Do you want to go home?"

"Nah I'm ok now," I smiled at him apologetically and searched his face for any sign of annoyance. I didn't like hiding things from him, but I had to. "This helped," I said and raised the cup to him.

He moved a few locks of hair out of my face and tucked it gently behind my ear and like he usually did, he traced the entire length of it with his fingers until his hand made it down to the small of my back where he spread his fingers and rubbed the spot soothingly. The most nerve uprooting thing about his touch was the way his eyes followed his hand down the length of my hair and then to my back as if he was touching me with his eyes too. He leaned over then and kissed me, provoking a flood load of hormones that sparked in repercussion to the soft unwinding of his tongue in my mouth. The strokes of his hand crept up my back and just when we were about to deepen the kiss and he had anchored his fingers in my hair at the back of my head, the bell screeched its annoying interruption and he pulled away suddenly.

Time and I were definitely not friends, and just to confirm it to me, it struck home again.

He grinned a little and stood with his hand held out to me. I took it, still suffering the after effects of our brief and unexpected moment. When we got to my next class he kissed the back of my hand and winked at me before leaving for his own. He passed Jessica Stanley in the hall and she shot me a hostile look on her way in after having just witnessed Edward's affection with me. I smiled inwardly. I knew the girls in school worshipped Edward and it was no wonder he was always the topic of conversation. I knew also that they were all confused about what he was doing with a girl like me. See, they didn't have the first clue about the kind of person he was. To them he was just a pretty face with an untamed aura and a mysterious past but if any of them had paid attention to the depth behind that wicked glint in his eyes, they'd have known he was much more than that and they'd have wanted him for more than the boost he could give to their reputation or a good frisk in bed. Every one of them that loathed me waited in line to be his next conquest, waited for the day he'd decide that he'd had enough of me; and even though Jessica had her eyes on Mike Newton I'd have bet money that she would offer him to me on a silver platter if she thought she had a shot with Edward instead.

It was sad to think, but it was the truth and the truth was usually the ugliest.

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I managed the rest of the afternoon with no overwhelming bouts of sleepiness, but my breathing was labored and I still felt very lightheaded, not to mention that all I had eaten for the day was a bagel for breakfast and a half cup of coffee in the last five minutes of lunch. I wasn't even hungry. Eating was fast becoming a chore and the thought of _having_ to eat was just as unappetizing as the food itself. If I could have survived without stomaching a single ounce of food in a day, I gladly would.

I stepped out into the open air after school, eager to see Edward for our afternoon at the Oak and hoped that we could finish off what we had started at lunch. I called Esme and told her that I would be out with him for a while and though she was hesitant she agreed on the condition that I got home by 7pm. Alice let me have the Porsche and took a ride home with Jasper.

Finally, we were alone again and it felt like it took ages to get us there. I could see that he was uncomfortable with me behind the wheel but he couldn't argue because we left the parking lot with Alice and Jasper looking at us and Alice would have thrown a bitch fit is she saw Edward driving the car, especially with his injured arm. I chewed on the inside of my mouth the entire way there, trying not to betray my amusement at his agitation in the passenger seat. He was quiet and noticeably tense and waited on edge for the slightest error on my part to jump right into overreacting navigator mode. We arrived safely though and I nearly burst out into laughter when a blatant look of relief washed over his face.

"I was waiting for you to ask me to pull over and take the wheel once we were out of sight," I teased him as we walked around the side of the warehouse.

"I almost did," he grunted sourly. "But maybe you need the practice. I dunno."

The moment I set eyes on the great big tree a shudder ran through me. The last time I was there Victoria had climbed up after me and pushed me down. It seemed like the kind of scene that belonged in an elementary school yard, like Victoria was the mean bully and I was the quiet push over, but no matter how old or sophisticated, no one wants to be pushed out of a tree; least of all a tree as tall as the Oak. It was actually very scary and the memory was chilling. The fact that I bore no serious injuries that day still amazed me.

We sat for a while on the little edge that overlooked the lake and chatted about nothing in particular. We had planned to do homework but of course the thought barely crossed our minds once we got there. I sat with my back perfectly straight because the effects of the shallow breathing were still with me somewhat. My head also felt slightly loopy but for the most part I had it under control.

We found every little reason to touch each other. I realized that he liked to touch my hair and he did it constantly whether or not it was in my face. When he wasn't touching my hair he stroked my thigh from knee to hip and no amount of layers between us could block the thrill of the sensation his fingers brought to my skin. I scooted over closer to him so that I could lean into this left side, careful to keep my back as straight as possible and he rested his chin on the top of my head. Slowly but surely we made our way around each other's attempts at subtlety and when the pressure had built up too much between us, he turned my face up to his in the middle of one of my sentences and cut off my air supply with his mouth.

I made no complaints and returned his gesture the best way I could, giving him as much as he gave and probably even pushing it further than he did. In a matter of seconds what had started out as an enthusiastic but controlled kiss had escalated into a series of panting and frantic groping until he pushed his body down on top of me and pressed me to the earth. His lips trailed away from mine and made their way across my cheeks and jaw and then he buried his face in my neck and slid his tongue everywhere from my ear lobe, across my neck and back to my jaw again. As his breathing grew more erratic, I felt mine get grow shallower and shallower and the memory of me fainting the night before suddenly flashed into my mind and made me tense up. He raised his head immediately and gazed down at me in concern.

"You ok?" He gasped and I saw a faint line of fog escape his lips. I nodded, remembering to smile and took the deepest breath I could with closed eyes.

"Of course I'm ok," I said as I exhaled the deep breath and drew in another. He crushed his mouth to mine again and I felt his right hand press down on my breasts between us. It was the first contact anything or anyone beside me had ever made with my breasts. Not even on the last day in Edward's bed where I groped him feverishly and made him orgasm was any contact made with my breasts. Suddenly, it was all I wanted as I lay there underneath him on the ground. I arched my back upward and pushed against his arm to feel the connection while he conquered the inside of my mouth with his flagrant tongue. That position underneath him however, wasn't exactly beneficial to my breathing problem and many times I had to turn my face to the side and suck in a desperate mouthful of air.

He frowned down at me when I did and my heart skipped for more reasons than one. One, he was unfairly gorgeous, especially with the shadows of the dying sun cast across his face which made him look like something dark and dangerous; and two, I was nervous that my budging and pulling away would make him suspicious like the day before. He opened his mouth to say something but I pulled his face down to mine again and silenced him with another kiss. He put his left arm under my head and made a pillow for me. He was also careful not to press down on too hard because of his arm in the middle and I was thankful for small mercies. That kind of constriction would have surely suffocated me. As he deepened our kiss and sucked on my bottom lip, I felt his erection wedge itself between my legs. The instant he pressed against me like that I felt the moist reciprocation in my underwear and again I had to turn my face to the side to breathe because the excitement of his arousing desire added to my already shallow breathing was just too much to bear. I wanted to scream.

"Edward," I gasped. I felt him smile against my lips then suck my bottom lip into his mouth again like a tantalizing devil. He thought I was praising him, but I was trying to get him to rise off of my chest. He shifted on me harder then and I felt the length of his erection shove right against my opening, forcing my legs to open wider. I was fast approaching the point of passing out again. I grew more and more lightheaded and I knew that if I didn't stop immediately, though really it was all I wanted to do, I would have fainted underneath him and he would panic.

"Edward," I gasped again and wheezed as I sucked in an exaggerated mouthful of air. "I can't breathe."

He pushed off of me immediately and sat back on his heels with an accusing look in his eyes.

"I'm hurting you," he said.

"No!" I gasped. No matter what he would conclude on his own, I did not want him to think that he was hurting me. I pushed myself up and felt an immediate rush of relief once I straightened my back. His eyes fell to my heaving breasts then and I would have blushed, except that his stare was not flattering, it was angry.

"It's ok," I sighed as I calmed down. "I'm alright."

"Why is your breathing so shallow… again?"

"Again?" It was getting harder to pretend.

"Like yesterday," he answered curtly.

I exhaled sharply.

"I don't know about yesterday, but today, I think it's because you're a bit heavy for me." He turned his face away and bit down on his jaw. He wasn't buying it but shockingly enough, he didn't argue.

"Look," I pleaded with him. "I have an idea."

He raised an eyebrow and looked back at me.

"Let's go over there," I pointed to the Oak. "We can try with me sitting upright," I stopped to inhale. "Against the tree." He pushed his fingers into his hair and shifted his eyes to the tree.

"I don't know," he grumbled. "If you're not well, just say so."

"I'm fine," I rose to my knees and shuffled closer to him so that I met him eye to eye, then kissed him. "I'm fine."

He didn't budge or respond.

"Please?" I asked and kissed him again. "_Pretty_ please?"

I showered his face with countless pouty little pecks until his lips curved into his signature smile and he eased me backward gently with his left hand against my stomach. He raised himself to his knees as well and we shuffled over toward the tree together, him moving forward and me shuffling backward. He guided me with his hand against my stomach until the hard, thick trunk of the tree stopped us. I plunked down onto my butt and he came down in front of me and without hesitation, he resumed our physical contact. He opened my legs with his left hand and positioned himself between them with his legs over my thighs at either side of my body. His touch was sensational and he was sensational, from the sexy smolder in his eyes to the half curve of his lips. He pressed into me and I felt the back of his right hand against my breasts again.

I welcomed him languidly and wrapped my arms around his waist on the inside of his warm jacket where I could almost feel the heat of his skin burn through his t-shirt. His tongue ran liberally along the side of my jaw and when he got to my neck he pushed his way inside the neck line of my coat so that he could suck on a spot right under the curve of my jaw. An involuntary moan escaped my lips when I felt him suck on me and I dug my fingernails into his back so hard that I swore the scratches made their way through the fabric of his jersey.

He almost made me beg him to take me right then and there in the openness when he grabbed a handful of hair at the back of my head and pulled my head down to my right shoulder, exposing the entire length of the left side of my neck. His sucking got harder and my eyes all but rolled up into the back of my head when he took an entire mouthful of my flesh between his teeth and _bit me_ in the most erotic and tormenting invocation of pleasure ever.

I groaned in approval and my legs opened wider when I felt another spurt of hot moisture escape from the moulds of my core. I heard and felt his muffled groan against my neck and without warning he bit me again with a firm fist wrapped tightly in my hair, drawing a warm rush of blood to the spot he worked on so magnanimously.

"I'm so fucking addicted to you," he grunted and grazed the tip of his nose up the side from my collar bone to a spot behind my ear, inhaling me the entire way up. "And I'm afraid that I've marked you."

"Wha….?" I gasped through my drugged and heady disposition, wondering why he would even think to stop what he was doing. I raised my head back to its original position and gave myself a mental pat on the back for the suggestion to move to the tree. It was much easier to enjoy him while sitting upright. He gazed adoringly into my eyes and kissed tip of my nose, making me melt into every kind of conceivable mush. He released his hold on my hair and stroked a path with his index finger from the back of my right ear, across the front of my neck until he got to the spot he had bitten on my left side.

"Right here," he said with his eyes drawn to the spot. "I've marked you. Will that get you into trouble?"

"I don't care," I widened my eyes at him. "If you don't continue marking me I'll spontaneously combust from the kinetic energy you're creating inside of me."

He rubbed his nose against mine and chuckled softly. The moment he started touching me again my heart rate increased and I pressed my head against the tree behind me, giving him full consent and access to any part of me that he wanted. I was so shamelessly easy. He smiled in amusement when he realized how much of a willing counterpart he had in me, but I didn't care. I scratched my fingernails into the fabric at his back again and searched for the hemline of his t-shirt so that I could shove my hands up under it. He opened the front of my coat more and dropped his eyes to my breasts and I'd have been damned if I didn't feel a physical effect from his eyes every time he looked at me like that. He moved his fingers playfully against the neckline of my t-shirt then yanked it down to expose my collar bones in their entirety. He bent his head then and licked inside the small dip where the two bones met at the center then dragged his tongue up my neck to my chin where he kissed his way to my mouth again. All the while I was digging my nails into the warm and smooth skin of his taut back.

"Bella my love," he said against my mouth.

"Yes Edward," I groaned as I forced myself to ignore the dizzy spell that tried to intrude again. Charlie's foreboding presence at the back of my head with his hazy gap crept back into focus and I tried as best as I could to shut him out. I couldn't figure out why it just lingered there for the past few days like a constant reminder or looming threat of something still to come. I felt uncharacteristically invaded by him all of a sudden, wanting to experience only Edward right then. It was like an odd sense of a third party at the back of my head and I scowled inwardly.

_Three is a crowd, Charlie, __I thought._

"Exactly how far do you expect us to get out here in the open?" Edward asked. I opened my heavily hooded eyes and stared at him, dumbfound. He pressed his forehead to mine and smiled.

"As far as you'll let me," I answered.

He put his index over my lips to hush me and shook his head against mine.

"Let's go to my house," he said and as much as I tried, I couldn't hide the rush of giddy excitement at the idea.

"Really?" I asked with wide eyes.

"Yes but, you know we're not going to have sex right?"

The excitement plummeted just as quickly as it had flared when he said that.

"You're such a kill joy," I pouted and he smiled in utter amusement at my sulking.

"But I _did_ make you a promise last weekend," he continued. "And I would be less than a gentleman if I didn't keep my promise to my lady."

He made me smile again.

It was ready to take whatever I could get like a wound up dog in heat and I wasn't even ashamed by it.

"I'm all yours," I grinned. "Take me."

He raised a warning eyebrow then to which I edited.

"To your house…"

He stood up with a nod and held his had down to me. I took it and shot up to my feet in a sprint, but alas, I was careless and the sudden transition from sitting to standing was way too fast for my dizzy spell. I felt the earth rock beneath me, the inside of my head flipped and before I could issue a warning my vision closed in on me in a swift black cloud of entrapment….and then, there was nothing.


	34. Chapter 34 I thought you didn't hover

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**Chapter 34**

**I thought you didn't hover**

The air in my lungs felt warm, a distinct difference from the last few breaths I could remember of the cold air out by the Oak. I came to before I was able to open my eyes and the second thing that registered to me was the sound of voices, low and urgent. I distinctly made out Edward's. He seemed to be arguing and the strain in his tone was disconcerting. I put the scattered pieces of my memory together and immediately felt a sense of dread when I realized what had happened. I had fainted again, this time with Edward. He had since taken me somewhere because I could tell that I was indoors, and he sounded very unhappy. I tried to think of what to say before I opened my eyes to reassure him that I was ok and that there was nothing to be worried about, but Charlie's presence in my head clouded my coherency. He was still there and the gap that was once a comforting symbol of temporariness had turned into a perpetual threat, leeched on to the far corners of my mind…waiting.

I couldn't figure it out. There had to be a reason why the gap didn't go away or why it didn't come on in full blast either. It had turned into a premeditating thing, slowly draining me like a leech sucking the blood out of its prey in absolutely no hurry at all, yet precisely determined to claim what it thought should be his.

"You_ can't_ call Esme," I heard Edward's hysterical voice argue.

"Why the hell not?" It was Carlisle. "You're acting rather strangely and none of this makes any sense."

"Dad, please just give it a little while longer…"

"Edward," I whispered, to let him know I was awake because the sound of his trauma alarmed me. They both stopped talking and I felt Edward's hand on me immediately after I said his name.

"Bella?" He asked and squeezed my hand. "Jesus Bella. Are you ok?"

I opened my eyes to find his face directly over mine and I had to blink a few times before I was able to adjust to the light behind his head.

"You fainted." He said. With his face hanging over me like that, his hair fell into his eyes and I wanted to reach up and help him with it they way he always helped me with mine. He said I had fainted and I knew I had, but I felt fine. The dizziness and short breath had gone away and just like the night before in my room, I had woken up without any of the symptoms that had pulled me under in the first place.

"Your vitals are all stable," Carlisle's face came in on the side. "I couldn't find anything wrong with you except for a minimal drop in your blood pressure. Do you know what made you faint?"

At least he was still confused about me which meant that Esme kept her promise and hadn't told him anything…yet.

I used Edward's hand to pull myself up into an upright, seated position and looked around. The wooden door and wooden floors, the Victorian looking fixtures and the soft ember of light coming off the lanterns on the walls answered another question. I was at the Cullen estate and this had to be Carlisle's second office. I glanced at Edward apologetically, thoroughly embarrassed for the trouble I'd caused again because this time Carlisle was involved and he was sure to have difficult questions for me to avoid. Try all he might, however, Carlisle would never find anything wrong with me as long as Charlie was the cause for my health alarms; or Edward.

"I don't know what happened," I said to Carlisle with a tight lipped smile. "I got up too fast and I haven't been eating properly all week. Maybe that's it."

"Edward mentioned you had difficulty breathing?"

I flashed my eyes over to Edward then back to Carlisle. "I'm fine. Really."

"You're fine," Carlisle repeated after me with an arched brow. He crossed his arms over his chest and twisted his mouth.

"Damn it Bella," Edward grunted, letting go of my hand. He pushed himself away from the bed, turned his back on me and ran his left hand through his hair in terse agitation. There was a heavy blanket over my legs and I kicked it off then as a suffocating warmth settled over me. There was no way I could explain it all to Carlisle especially when I had been hiding symptoms from Edward all week long.

"I don't know what to say," I said to Carlisle next. "I promise I'm ok. There's nothing else I can tell you. You said I'm ok right?"

Carlisle glanced over at Edward's back then narrowed his eyes at me.

"Bella," he said softly. "If there's something you need to tell me…"

"I'm really ok Carlisle," I jumped off the side of the bed quickly and tried my best to smile. "So I fainted. It's nothing. I'm actually hungry now, so I think I might eat."

He was obviously unconvinced by my attempt at quelling the situation but seeing that he could find no appropriate diagnosis for me, he had to let me go.

"Edward," I turned to Edward's back. He inclined his head to the side and nodded.

"I'll get Emmett to bring me home later dad," he said to Carlisle over his shoulder and headed for the door.

I turned back to Carlisle's rigid posture then. "May I ask a favor of you?"

His features relaxed a bit and he unfolded his arms.

"Of course."

"I'd like to keep this between us? Um, what I mean is….."

"You don't want me to tell your mother," he finished for me and I nodded sharply, hoping he would agree, though I knew that it wouldn't be that easy. "I don't think I like that Bella."

I took one small step toward him. "If there was something wrong with me Carlisle, under no circumstance would I ask you to neglect your responsibility here, but I really am ok and I think you know it too. I just need to watch my diet is all. I'd hate to worry my mom unnecessarily. She worries a lot and there's already so much that's going on right now."

"I know," he nodded and sighed deeply. "But I don't take lightly to keeping things from the woman I'm about to marry. Do you have any idea what you're asking me to do here?"

"I'm sorry, but she doesn't need to know about this. I'll go home now, eat and rest and everything will be ok. Please Carlisle."

"And now you're asking me to allow you drive yourself home, after fainting."

"Edward will be with me and I'll take it slow. He's an excellent passenger. I feel fine Carlisle. There's nothing wrong with me."

"I suppose you won't let me take you home?"

"No, but thanks. My car is already here. Alice would hate it if I left it behind…."

"You have two seconds to get out of here before I change my mind," he frowned and turned away from me. I skipped out of the office before another word was said and met a waiting Edward in the corridor. He held out his hand to me and I took it eagerly, glad that he didn't seem angry with me at least. He was pensive and remote but he wasn't cold.

We walked out to the car in silence and he let me take the driver's seat without a fuss, but we had barely made it halfway down the drive when he made me pull over to the side.

"Switch," he said in a no nonsense tone. I looked at him walk around to my side and open my door. When I got out, he walked me over to the passenger side with a brisk step, tucked and strapped me in like a child, then walked back to the driver's side and got in.

"I could have driven," I said defiantly once he was back in the car. "I'm ok."

He bit down on his jaw and pulled off a little heavy on the gas. I jerked in the seat and stared out at the dark driveway unwind between the trees before us.

"Is that really what happened Bella?" He asked. "You fainted because you didn't eat properly today?"

I swallowed and shifted my gaze out my window.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Why are you trying to change the subject Bella? God, you're always doing that."

"I wasn't trying to," I shot back. "It's dark and I told Esme I'd be home before seven. I just wondered how come she didn't call yet."

"She did."

I whipped my head around to face him and frowned.

"And?" I asked.

"I told her we were at my house finishing our homework, that you had gone to the ladies and I'd have you home soon. Go into my pocket. Your phone is in there. She wants you to call her back," he said and raised his right elbow slightly to give me access. I leaned over and tucked my hand into his pocket.

"When did she call?"

"When Carlisle was examining you."

I almost scoffed at the situation. For someone with a boring life, I certainly knew how to keep the drama alive. I was such a walking contradiction of myself it was unbelievable.

"I'll just talk to her when I get home," I said quietly when I found the phone. "Have you taken your painkillers?"

"Yes Bella, yes," he answered in tart response. "Once Carlisle realized you were ok, I ran upstairs to take them quickly so that you wouldn't get hurt. So now that you've gotten all _your_ answers, it's time for mine." He was irritated and tense and when he got like that he drove even faster than normal which I couldn't entirely ignore seeing that he was driving with one hand.

"Are you going to tell me the truth about why you fainted or are you gonna give me that shit about your diet too?"

I shifted my stare to the passing scene outside and shrugged.

"It's not shit," I replied stubbornly. "It's quite plausible…and true."

"The whole truth?" He pushed. I couldn't tell an outright lie and if he thought I fidgeted when I was uncomfortable with something, he'd be very interested to see what happened when I lied.

"Part of it," I admitted. He let out a sharp breath and shot me an annoyed glance.

"We're supposed to be together Bella, a team," he bit out. "How the_ fuck_ am I going to protect you if you keep hiding shit from me?"

"I never asked you to protect me Edward," I said and truthfully I hadn't, and even though I fully appreciated the extent of his worry for me because I felt similarly for Charlie and more especially for _him_, he made it sound like I was breaching my side of a contract that I had never agreed to.

He swung the car to the side of the road at a reckless angle and made the tires squeal rebelliously against the asphalt. My breath caught in my throat and I grabbed on the door instinctively to brace myself from the jerk.

"Edward!" I cried out. "You're driving with one hand for crying out loud!"

He glared out through the windshield and squeezed the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles had gone completely white. His jaw budged and twitched with the way he bit down on it so hard.

"That's a fucked up thing to say to me," he said in a cold tone.

"It was and I'm sorry," I answered apologetically but what he didn't understand was that I was also trying to protect _him. _

"You don't trust me," he shook his head, keeping his penetrating stare out the front. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I felt guilty. He made it into a trust issue and it had absolutely nothing to do with trust.

"On the contrary," I responded. "There's no one I trust more than you."

"Bullshit," he retorted.

"Edward..."

"Then why are you hiding things from me?!" He snapped, never averting his glare from the front of the car. I hated fighting with him and I hated being the cause of it even more.

"What do you want me to tell you?" I asked, trying to quell his anger with some semblance of calm.

"I want you to tell me the truth."

"I haven't lied to you. Every time I told you that I was fine, I really was fine." That was true because everything I had experienced was Charlie's problems and not mine…so technically, I was fine.

"Hiding things from me is just as bad as lying," he said and finally he turned his head to look at me. The fury in his eyes almost burned a hole into my face and behind the fire in his eyes was hurt.

"What do you think happened Edward?" I asked him, feeling myself lose the battle to keep him in ignorant bliss, seeing that there was nothing blissful about it. He was angry. I figured that his ego might have been a bit bruised if he figured I was hiding something from him, but what I didn't expect was for him to be hurt by it.

As I waited for him to sort out his response to me I realized my other reason for not telling him everything; the part that made it the whole truth. It wasn't only Edward I was protecting. I was also trying to protect Charlie. Charlie had always absorbed the brunt of the blame for everything that happened to me. He already had to live with Esme's and Alice's resentment for it and I hated having to add yet another person to the firing squad. Esme's contention for Charlie had become insurmountable and the more things happened the less patient she grew with it. I dreaded the idea of Edward hating Charlie too for something that he had no control over. It wasn't Charlie's fault. If there was anyone to blame, it should have been me because I was the one at the center of it. Charlie was too important to me to have the only other man I loved more than my own life, hate him too. I was nervous that Edward would blame Charlie and I didn't know how to face that kind of disappointment, so I chose to avoid it instead.

"I think it has something to do with your _father. _That's what I think," he bit out, and there it was; the insidious spite in his tone when he said the word 'father.' It was happening already, even without him knowing the whole truth. Edward was beginning to hate Charlie and he'd never even met him.

"Then why did you take me to Carlisle," I answered.

"Because you fainted!" He cried out. "I didn't know what else to do! I had to be sure that you were ok."

"Ok! I know," I said, regretting my comment. I got flustered and panicky when I realized that there was no way out of it without telling a straight lie. "You did the right thing. Thank you. I don't know what to say…I don't know how to make you understand that there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm ok and that you don't need to worry about me so much all the time."

He exhaled roughly, shook his head and drove off; falling into one of his pensive and contentious moods. When he got like that, the best thing to do was to remain quiet and wait for him to simmer down because every little thing was a potential trigger for the bomb that itched to explode inside of him. I was both thankful and anxious for the silence and I hated the way my undying need to protect them both at the same time was so much harder than it should have been.

When we pulled up in front of my house he barged out of the car and slammed the door behind him and without even thinking about it I opened my door too and stepped out of the car, only to be met by his harsh and unyielding glare as he made his way around to my side.

"Get back in," he grunted under his breath and I blanched in a moment of shock and confusion.

"Huh?"

"When have I _ever _allowed you to get out on your own?"

"_What?!_ Edward?!" I laughed out in disbelief. I knew he was intense and passionate but he was taking things a bit too far.

"What are you trying to do? Punish me?" I snorted.

He stood his ground and didn't so much as move a muscle as his eyes flashed and flickered between mine. I let out an impatient sigh, threw my hands up in the air, rolled my eyes then got back into the car. I made sure to slam the door just so that he'd know that he wasn't the only one capable of a nasty temper. His anachronistic over handedness was embarrassing and I folded my arms childishly across my chest and waited for his next move.

He grabbed the door handle then and yanked the door open so that I could get out. I made sure to glare at him in steadfast retaliation, and not to be outdone, he returned the fire with just as much venom; and for some strange reason beyond my understanding, something charged between us and the anger in his face started to excite me.

Maybe it was something in the bewitching characteristic of the Forks' night and the way it cast shadows across the sharp planes of his face, but suddenly the thought of entangling my fingers in the heavy locks of hair that fell into his eyes behind which his eyes flashed like two pools of green kryptonite, was all I could think about.

Every single line, slant, pulse and curve of his features distracted me from our fight and I felt my face flush from the sting of my boiling blood under my skin. The frigid night air was no match for the concentrated heat that he excited inside of me and I bit down on my lip in an attempt to control the temptation of tearing at him like a savage animal under the spell of his emitted aphrodisiac.

I saw exactly when he felt it too. His eyes dropped to my lips and followed the movement of my teeth against the skin of my lip. The wanton desire in his eyes then was unmistakable and if I didn't know better I'd think that he was grinding his teeth into a cloud of dust inside his mouth. My eyes shifted to his jaw and when he took an unsure step toward me, I inhaled sharply and flicked my eyes back up to his.

There was no question about it. He was just as turned on as I was, though he tried to fight it by narrowing his eyes viciously as if he wanted to scold me for doing something naughty. I raised an eyebrow at him challengingly and when I tasted blood under my teeth from having bitten into my lip so hard, I released it and winced slightly. His eyes dropped to my mouth again then he shook his head and let out a stifled growl before closing the space between us and grabbed the side of my face hurriedly with his left hand.

He mauled me with his lips and I responded unthinkingly. I grabbed him by his waist and jammed our two bodies together. I would have pulled him in through the walls of my frame and forced him to merge with me for all eternity if I could, because no matter how hard I pressed myself to him, I just couldn't get close enough. He shoved himself against me and pushed me back against the hard, unyielding frame of the Porsche. His kiss was angry and punishing and I begrudgingly cursed the universe for its mockery. I could have put my head on a block that night that if Edward and I were somewhere private for that kiss he would not have been able to deny his primal urge to mark his territory all over my body and make me a woman once and for all. That kiss was loaded with enough sexual tension to blow up half the town and I wished that it had happened in his bedroom or mine instead of in the road, in front of my goddamned house, so that I could have made him follow right through with his unspoken intent.

I gasped at his show of physical strength. I had not seen that side of him before then. I knew he was capable of rough, but not like that. Until that night, I had never experienced that kind of latent, angry, sexual ferocity that was pushing itself out of him. He grabbed onto my hip with his left hand and yanked me so hard against him that he winded me and the steely effect of his erection against my pelvic bone made me open my mouth in a silent gasp. I tiptoed so that our bodies could meet where nature had intended it to and that excited him so much that he slammed himself me again and rocked the Porsche behind us. He did that three times, back and forth with lustful, angry grunts into my mouth and I just _knew_ that if he could have used his both hands, he would have been on the verge of tearing my clothes off right there in the street.

He squeezed my ass then with a strenuous clutch and lifted me an inch or so higher so that he could properly thrust and jam the length of his erection between my legs. I heard him shudder and he pulled his face away from mine to bury his face into my neck where I felt him battle with between the devil and the angel in his head. I didn't care about his internal fight with his conscience. I wanted his tongue in my mouth because drinking in his poison was the most significant thing to my survival then. I turned my face toward his and pulled his face back where we both wanted it with my hands and made him kiss me again with the same of animalistic fervor that he had incited from the start. He pulled my bottom lip into his mouth and drew on the bloody incisions that I had made with my teeth. His hand on my ass was unnerving and the more he squeezed and massaged the higher I lifted my leg to give him better access to my point of surrender.

He knocked everything out of my lungs when he shoved his hips against me again and I gasped against his mouth as the Porsche took another blow. He made the excited and begging spot between my legs drip like a stimulated salivary gland.

I rocked my hips against him, not caring about where we were and in a moment of sudden triumph over his conscience, he jolted back away from me, causing the cold air to rush into the vast space he had put between us. My pores rose and I wrapped my arms around myself frantically with unbridled confusion in my eyes. He shoved his trembling hand into his hair and cursed through his teeth.

"What?" I gasped in an unsteady breath. He shook his head and turned away from me.

"Edward…"

"What was that?" He turned on me and gulped with frantic eyes.

"I….huh? You want _me_ to tell you?"

"Never mind," he said and dropped his hand to his side then glanced at my front door. The distance he had put between us bothered me a bit. He was much further away than I was accustomed to.

"Why are you all the way over there?" I asked, trying to find his eyes in the darkness but all I found were black holes for sockets in the shadows of the tree that he had parked under and a chill ran through me.

"Let's get you inside," he said and stepped to the side. There as no point in arguing. He was too restless and out of reach for me to make a difference with anything I could have said. We walked side by side to the front door but he didn't hold my hand and it more annoyed than bothered me so I shot my right hand out to my side and took his left one, wondering why I should have to wait for him to initiate the contact I wanted. He squeezed my fingers lightly and the gesture stirred my heart and relaxed me a bit. Alice opened the door the second we stepped onto the doormat and Edward raised our held hands into the air.

"_Every_ time!" He belched out. "You know. I'm starting to think you're more nosy than psychic. You were peeping at us weren't you? How do you always know when to open the door?"

A less than amused Alice stepped out onto the front stoop with us with a hand on her hip and closed the door behind her. Edward and I stepped back, still hand in hand to give her some room.

"You're lucky it's me and not Esme," she sneered at us. "_Really_ you two? In front of the freaking house?! If I find a single dent on that car, I _will_ kill you both. You can bet on it."

Edward and I exchanged a glance with each other. That mild confrontation with Alice was just the thing we needed to dissipate the heavy air between us and before we knew it we were snickering and chuckling at her chastising, which in turn pissed her off even more and she stormed back into the house.

"Alice wait," I laughed behind her. "Come on! We're not laughing at you!"

We followed her retreating frame into the kitchen and from the looks of it she was in the middle of preparing something to eat. I also observed that from where she stood on her side of the island, she had a clear view of the front of the house and the Porsche through the kitchen window. I shuddered inwardly when I realized how easy it would have been to be caught by Esme if she had walked into the kitchen at the wrong time. I also wondered if Alice had seen Edward come out of the driver's side.

"I didn't know you cook," Edward said to Alice and poked his finger into some cheese dip she had just made. She slapped his hand away from the bowl in irritation and he smiled teasingly as he sucked the cheese off his index.

_More dripping_, I thought. The things he did to me.

"Jazz is on his way over," she explained. "So I'm making him something to eat."

"Aww," Edward teased. "How sweet."

"Shut it," Alice snapped, but she wanted to smile.

"Are you hungry?" I asked Edward. I saw the humor vanish from his eyes as soon as I asked it. He turned to me and pinned his eyebrows together.

"If _you _eat, I will," he clipped.

I blinked a couple of times and tried to feign indifference to the memory of the conversation we had in the car on the way over, then began to make us some French toast.

Alice chatted with us until Jasper arrived and though she wanted to whisk him off into the sitting room for her alone time with him, his face lit up when he saw Edward and it quickly turned into a foursome, eating dinner and squealing at all sorts of ludicrous things and people at school. There was only one time it got kind of awkward when Tanya's name came up, thanks to Jasper. A kick from Alice and a glare from Edward made him choke and apologize and then we were back. The entire time we ate, Edward kept checking to make sure that I was eating and whenever he thought I lingered too long between mouthfuls, he pushed my plate closer to me and nudged me with his shoulder.

Esme eventually appeared in the kitchen because we were making such a racket and the moment I saw her I tensed instinctively unsure about whether or not Carlisle had actually done what I had asked by not telling her about what had happened with me. He may have been confused and Edward may have been suspicious, but Esme would have known straight off the bat what was going on if he told her. It wouldn't have surprised me if Carlisle _had _told her either, because he was honorable enough to be bothered by keeping a secret like that. However, I read no signs of knowledge from her and I was able to relax because she was not that good of an actress. Her feelings were usually painted quite explicitly all over her face.

She ruffled Alice's hair when she walked in which made Alice complain, then she squeezed my shoulder gently in hello. I liked the simple contact she made with me though we barely hugged or kissed each other anymore. Since the divorce, all we did was fight and our relationship got more and more busted up as time passed. She smiled faintly at Edward but her affections were reserved for Jasper which didn't surprise me. Jasper was neutral ground in the war between us and it only made sense that Esme would have found it easier to connect with him as there was no drama there. There was also the fact that neither Alice nor Jasper carried around the kind of depressive weight that I did. Alice went through the same divorce but it hadn't affected her nearly as badly as it had me. In fact, she welcomed it because to her it meant the end of the suffering. She was able to find the good in the bad while I was still lodged under the weight of the bad, making her better company than I was.

Esme mingled with us for a while and tried her best to connect with all four of us but through no fault of her own, she meshed better with Alice and Jasper. I looked over at Edward a few times to gage his reaction, but he didn't seem the least bit affected by it. He finished his French toast happily then called Emmett for a ride home.

"Why don't I take you?" Jasper said to Edward.

"No way," Alice rejected the idea. "You just got here."

"Nah, it's ok," Edward answered. "Emmett's coming."

"How _is_ Emmett?" Esme asked in an effort to converse with Edward which I appreciated.

"He's great," Edward answered with raised eyebrows. "He's Emmett."

His response was brief; but exactly how much of a response could one muster for a question like that anyway? I looked at Esme and willed her to ask him something else.

"I guess you'll miss him when he goes away to college this year?" She asked and I mentally applauded her resilience. If anything, she was resilient and I had always thought so. Edward nodded uncomfortably and dusted off his left hand against his jacket.

"Maybe," Edward answered. "He's like a brother to me, so yeah."

I think everyone but Edward gulped at the same time. Everyone knew that he never talked about Marcus or Elizabeth and even then, referring to Emmett in that way, was a huge deal. The word 'brother' seemed almost taboo in Edward's vocabulary. When none of us did anything but stare at him dumbly, he shrugged and nodded some more.

"Well he's a pain in the ass, but he comes in handy," he said and my heart went out to him. He was adorable the way he tried to answer her even though it was obvious that he was getting uncomfortable with all the attention.

Esme blinked then shifted her eyes to me. The connection was brief but I saw something like respect flash through her eyes and the look on her face softened. She tried to be stubborn, like Charlie and me, but she was inherently soft hearted and she was never able to resist the urge to love wholeheartedly the instant she realized someone was in need of it. I knew she saw it in Edward that night and even though he had more than most, the things he had to live without were more important than any material thing money could buy. He had no mother and he lost his brother and because of that, there was something empty about him; something dark and harsh and damaged. That wounded quality made you want to save him. It made people want to love, tame and comfort him until he understood that he was ok.

I read everything that filled up in Esme's eyes in a split second. Even her body inclined toward him after that. She wanted to reach out to him and be a part of what Emmett was for him; some semblance of healing for the part of him he had lost, a mother figure perhaps. He had that kind of charming effect on people without even knowing it, just by being the beautifully damaged and troubled person that he was.

"Well," Esme said with a soft clap of her hands. "Just one short year later and you'll be on your way to college too. There'll be lots to distract you. Clean up after yourselves guys."

She smiled and walked out.

"_Awkward_," Jasper sang when she left, which merited him another kick from Alice.

"_Jasper_," she scolded.

Edward shrugged in feigned nonchalance, squeezed my thigh and looked over at me.

"You alright?" I asked him.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" He smirked with a small frown.

"Ok. Wanna wait for Emmett in the sitting room?" I asked and he nodded. I led the way quickly.

"Thanks," he sighed as he dropped his weight on to the couch. I snuggled up to him closer and rested my head on his good shoulder. He put his left arm between us and wrapped it around my crouched up legs on the couch so that he could stroke my ankles.

"I'm sorry," I said softly.

He bent his head and rested his cheek on the top of my head. "You say that a lot."

"Because I'm always giving myself a reason to say it. I can't do anything right."

"Hey," he said and raised his left shoulder under me to nudge me. I turned my face up to his. "No one expects us to figure everything out immediately. So don't be so hard on yourself."

"You're amazingly good," I smiled and snuggled in closer.

"You make me good," he answered. "I'm not naturally good."

I giggled into his chest. "_Now_ who's being hard on themselves?"

His phone buzzed in his jacket pocket and he moved his left arm from around my legs so that he could get it.

"That will be Emmett," he said and soon as he did, we heard the growl of the black beast out front. He raised his left arm over and around me then and pulled me in for a kiss. The precarious heat of our impassioned kiss earlier on had evaporated. Our lips were spent, but we held on to every survived drop of tenderness in each other before we said good night.

"I'll call you before I go to bed," he said as he got to his feet. "And since we got no homework done today, I assume that won't be until much later tonight. Your stuff from school is still in the back of your car."

"Oh," I said. "Ok."

He got my things out of the Porsche for me before leaving with Emmett. Emmett honked his horn idly at me before driving off and I waved. There was no Rosalie in the jeep.

That night, once I was done with my homework I lay on my bed and listened to the classical songs that Edward had put on my ipod. I smiled as I listened because the image of him was so noticeably at odds with the vibe of classical music. In the privacy of my own thoughts in my own room I was able to unwind and retreat into the furthest corner of my mind where I found Charlie's gap idling vaguely.

To me, the gap was an SOS. It was like Charlie's way of signaling that he needed help even though he didn't do it consciously seeing that it was me who incited the connection with my own mind. As much as he denied it, I knew that he needed me and that made him feel guilty. He hated knowing that he depended on the unconscious transfer of his pain to me in order to get help and he hated that he couldn't make the right decision to go to rehab when he knew that he should.

I tried to tell him that I didn't care about the pain and that all I really wanted was to feel close to him but it didn't matter, he still fought it; and I guess that had to be expected. If it were me, I would also be abhorred by the idea of hurting someone I loved like that, even if it was unintentional and so, I began to understand why he felt burdened by it.

His gap was still with me, uncharacteristically hovering and unlike his nature.

"What are you trying to tell me Charlie," I whispered to the ceiling. "Why have you been hovering all week long? What's going on with you?"

My ringing phone startled me. It was Edward calling to say goodnight. He asked lots of questions after my health like a doctor would and I answered every one of them sweetly and giggled.

"How are you feeling?" He asked

"Great, especially since you've called."

"Are you light headed?"

"No silly," I giggled.

"Dizzy?"

"Nope."

"Breathing?"

"Yup! In and out."

"Bella…"

"I'm breathing fine Edward," I smiled into the phone with a yawn.

"Tired?"

"It's late, yes."

"Abnormally tired?"

"No," I giggled again.

"Hungry?"

"Ha…_nooo_. You made sure of that."

"You have the sexiest voice."

"What?"

My heart rattled and sputtered at his unexpected comment and I crossed my legs excitedly, feeling my body do all those warming and unfamiliar things that it did whenever he got close to me.

"I said," and I heard him smile. "You have the sexiest voice."

"What part of my voice is sexy?" I blushed like a silly little girl. "It's so scratchy."

"That's exactly what makes it sexy, especially now that it's late and you're tired. You sound all husky and yummy and I can just picture you lying in your bed with your hair everywhere. It makes me want to….hmm."

"Hey, that's not fair. It makes you want to what?"

"It makes me want to do all sorts of inexplicable things to you."

The hushed tone of his voice and the things he said to me made my heart hammer like a woodpecker's beak to a trunk. I huddled lower under my covers and smiled with my eyes closed, wishing that he was there next to me to do all those inexplicable things he talked about.

"I wish you would," I answered him.

"Do you know how irresistibly beautiful you are to me?" He asked.

"Uh…no. I don't know," I opened my eyes. Beautiful was never a word I would have used to describe myself, though Edward surely had a way of making me feel beautiful.

"Then I'll have to spend all my days showing you until you know."

I sighed silently and pressed my hand against the clamoring spot in my chest.

"I look forward to it," I responded. "I miss your face."

"You'll see it tomorrow and hopefully when you dream tonight," he smiled. "See now you've gone and turned me into a corny, fluffy fucker."

I giggled so hard when he said that, that I had to pull the covers over my face to stifle the sounds a bit.

"Good night Bella. Sweet dreams."

"Good night. You too."


	35. Chapter 35 The Magic of Touch EPOV

Hi everybody. Sorry for not updating last week. I've been crazy busy during the day and a slight case of True Blood obsession stole my late night hours. There's still lots of more of Conflicted to come. The story has 58 chapters. Anyway, it's 3:42 am now and I am half asleep on myself so forgive any typos please. I tried re reading after editing and I fell asleep on myself like five times or so. I'll fix any typos tomorrow. Leave me some love ;) 'Preciate it. xoxo

**Chapter 35**

**The Magic of Touch - EPOV**

I knew myself. I was nearing the point of losing my fucking mind all over the place if I didn't figure out exactly what the fuck was going on with Bella. I tried, God how I tried, to be patient with her, but everyday I had something new to record in that fucked up log on my laptop. My log was getting longer with a new entry every fucking day and even more stressful than that was having to stifle it inside without a clue about what to do with it or when.

The only person who knew that I knew about Bella's condition was Esme, but it would have been a huge betrayal of Bella's trust to take this to her, even in the name of helping her. I nearly went over the steep end on Wednesday night outside of her house, not expecting the angel herself to look at me like a horny little devil with eyes as black as the night itself that wrapped itself around us.

I was so pissed off with her that night because she was hiding shit from me again. It made me feel inadequate, untrustworthy and like never before, I wished that I could just get _inside _of her sealed off head and read whatever it was that she couldn't say. And as if that wasn't bad enough, she stood there outside the car all hot and bubbling like fucking soup, chewing on her bottom lip like it was so motherfucking scrumptious and staring at me with the heat of a thousand kilns in her eyes… just fucking daring me to take her.

I struggled with it at first. I felt the magnetic voltage between us and I warned myself not to so much as touch that delicate body of hers with that kind of sexual predatory force I had coursing through me. It wasn't unnatural to me either, to feel that kind of charge where tenderness and affection was secondary, fuck, _tertiary _even, to the primary kill. If Bella wasn't a virgin on that night and I had her in my bed between my sheets, between my hands and between my legs with that kind of masochistic energy sparking like a flame to a barrel of gunpowder between us, she would have certainly suffered a few bruises during the most mind blowing fuck of her life. I had it in me to be a rough motherfucker when I was riled up like that and though it didn't happen often, it happened.

My internal battle with self control was lost once and for all when she released her plump and swollen bottom lip from between her teeth. Something jerked inside of me or more specifically, inside of my pants when I saw the trickle of blood on her reddened flesh, and I was blinded in that instant by the most guttural urge to taste what she flaunted in front of me so innocently. I unleashed only a fraction of what I really wanted to and by some miracle I was able to pull myself away and put some distance between us so that I could inhale something other than her infectious hypnosis.

For the most part, we managed to skim over it for the rest of the evening and even when we spoke on the phone later that night we hadn't brought it up. After we hung up I opened my laptop and updated with a new entry for the day and had something to add every day after that as well.

Day 3 - Wednesday

Fatigue (found her sleeping in school)

Lightheadedness

Short breath

Dizzyness

Fainting

Day 4 - Thursday

Fatigue (dozed off at lunch – no excuse this time)

Short breath (that fucking twitchy thing with her neck muscles)

Swaying (looks a hell of a lot like dizziness)

Flushed face

She fucking pisses a lot all of a sudden

Day 5 – Friday

Still flushed (even after she took off her coat, so it wasn't the fucking heaters that she tried to blame it on.)

Short breath (neck thing)

Slight trembling (blamed it on my effect on her nerves – like I have stupid asshole written across my fucking forehead)

Tired as fuck

Even my entries started getting impatient and crass. It was Friday night and I was counting the paces back and forth across my bedroom floor instead of smooching up to my girl or passing time with Jasper. I counted sixteen paces from one end of my room to the next like twenty five fucking times. Playing my guitar to try and calm myself was pointless. I avoided the thing completely instead of working up myself like the last time and besides, I didn't want to hurt her shoulder in the process. I had just finished updating my log for the week with Day 5, well on my way out of my mind because Bella had been dodging my concerns and questions all week long. She found every kind of flimsy excuse for her symptoms and that night was no exception.

Alice was over at the house with Jasper, Emmett and the other one down in the theatre looking at movies and doing normal teenage shit. Bella should have been there too and she was supposed to come back to the house with me, but the moment she got home from school to drop off her school things she passed out the second she touched her bed.

Jazz was with me that afternoon and we waited at her house for a while and allowed her some time to sleep before heading over to my house, but by nightfall Bella was still out cold. She hadn't fainted that time. I was with her when she fell asleep and I saw the way she yawned like a drugged zombie just seconds before timing out.

"You tired babe?" I asked her when she yawned, remembering how easily distracted she was all day and the way her eyes lulled around in their sockets instead of focusing on anything in particular.

"Just a little," she answered me and patted the spot on her bed next to her. I sat where she wanted me to and stroked her hair with her head in my lap, thinking that if she really _was _that tired then maybe she should sleep for a while instead of forcing her back into the car right away. Literally two seconds later Bella was snoring in my lap. I lifted her off gently and positioned her on her pillows so that she wouldn't get a crick in her neck, then I sat and watched her sleep for hours.

Alice came knocking fifteen minutes into the slumber to ask if we were ready to leave and when I pointed to Bella's unmoving form she agreed to hang out with Jasper downstairs until she woke up or until Esme came home. I didn't have it in me to wake her. She looked so peaceful and it seemed like it was the only time she was allowed rest in freedom from the prongs of Charlie. If my suspicions were correct, Bella had been a victim of his state of being all week long and if so, she needed rest to give her little body the energy and fight she needed to bear his crosses. I tried really fucking hard not to hate the bastard as I sat there looking at her face. I tried for her and I tried for us, but the more I fell in love with her, the more I resented him for what her devotion did to her.

He knew. He _must_ have known that she felt everything because I was sure as fuck that he was feeling it too and not once did I hear her say that he called to check up on her; not fucking once. He was a fool if he didn't realize the extent to which his drinking hurt her and if he knew and still didn't stop, then he was an even bigger prick than I was….and that's saying a lot, because I was a monumental fucking prick.

It was hard _not_ to hate him.

Esme arrived home at half past six and the moment she pulled in the driveway Alice came fetching, all business like and paranoid that I would get caught in Bella's bedroom. In a split moment of indecision, I almost didn't care about being caught because I didn't want to leave her side. I wanted to be there when she woke up to start questioning her again and I'd have agreed to anything Esme threw at me if I thought she would let me stay, but the familiar pang in my shoulder started festering shortly after six and my pain killers were at home. I knew I had to leave. With a soft curse under my breath, I followed Alice's orders and left Bella to sleep but not before placing my fingers under her nose to make sure she was breathing evenly, though her soft snoring was evidence enough that she was. I examined her chest next to make sure that there was no heaving and because I thought she still looked slightly flushed, I cracked her window slightly to let a fragment of cool air in. Alice cleared her throat impatiently behind me when I bent over to kiss Bella's forehead and pull her covers over her.

"Anytime _today _would be awesome Edward," she whispered harshly. "_Jesus!_"

"I want to leave her a note," I said after I had gotten to the door.

"Text it," Alice bit out with a warning glance and shoved me through the door. We made it downstairs in the nick of time, just as Esme was making her way up out of the kitchen. Naturally she assumed that I was on my way down from the bathroom and when she heard that Bella was asleep and wouldn't be joining us at my house, she looked annoyingly pleased.

-------------------

Jasper drove Alice and I to my house and I sulked the entire way as the nasty prickling spread quickly through my shoulder. I bounced my legs up and down impatiently in the backseat, nervous that I wouldn't get home in time to prevent the pain from transferring to Bella. I'd have hated for that to be the thing that woke her. The moment we pulled up to the house I shot out of the car and fled through the halls and up the two flights of stairs to my room. I swallowed the tablets without water in a hurry then slumped to the floor beside my dresser in an attempt to catch my breath. Once I was confident that she was out of harm's way, I pulled out my cell and sent her a text.

_'Call me when you get up.'_

Three hours later Bella still hadn't called and as I counted the paces back and forth across my bedroom I contemplated calling her instead, but stopped short of following through every time I dialed her number. I repeated the same text message again at that point.

_'Call me when you get up – please.'_

I went out on to the balcony for a smoke and halfway through my cig there was a knock at the outer door. I craned my neck around and called out.

"It's open!"

A few seconds later Jasper poked his head out on to the balcony and his face lit up when he saw me smoking.

"Share the wealth?" He asked. I held the pack up to him and he took a seat on the floor next to me and flipped out his lighter.

"What the fuck man," he dragged on his cig. "'Cause your girl isn't here you gotta piss on the rest of us?"

I almost laughed as his neutrality and odd sense of calm hit me. Sometimes he was a God send in the middle of all the chaos in my life. He was always unaffected by shit and never really involved, just always hovering on the outskirts paying attention and waiting quietly until he thought he should say something or intervene. The look on his face was a welcomed distraction from the muddle in my head and though I would have enjoyed his company then, I wanted to be alone so that I could be devoured by my obsession with Bella's situation.

"I needed to smoke and just relax," I answered him. "What's it to you anyway?"

"Come downstairs and chill out," he urged. "Talk some shit, just….hang. What the fuck…I can see you thinking about her. She's only sleeping Edward."

He had no fucking idea how little he knew. I was a dead ringer for a basket case but if people knew half the shit that made me that way they might have kept their noses to themselves.

"Nah I'm tired," I lied, rubbing the back of my head as I pulled the last of the burn out of my cig. "I think I'm gonna call it a night." The truth was that I wouldn't have been any fun to hang out with that night, not with Bella stuck in limbo on my mind the way she was. Right about then, all I wanted was to hear her voice just to be sure that she was ok and not fainting in her sleep or choking on her short breath. I also wanted to take a hot shower and yank the shit out of my pecker to relieve the week long build up of blue that Bella had painted all over my balls. With a skeptical smirk on his face, Jasper nodded and stood up.

"Alright," he said and crushed his cig under his boot. "Catch you later."

I sat out there for another half hour or so and soaked in the chill on the night air before retiring to my room and opening my lap top. There wasn't anything that held my interest online and I had no email from James about any upcoming gig, so I got undressed and headed to the shower. I wacked the shit out of myself that night in the hot water, twice, and after I'd finally spent myself like a miserable fool I checked my cell phone again for any messages from Bella. On seeing none, I scratched my head in irritation and hauled myself into bed with my ipod, making sure to place my cell on my stomach so that I would feel it vibrate if she called during the night.

When it _did_ vibrate it was 8am the next day. I don't know how I managed to sleep in that one position all night long and the instant I felt the buzzing on my stomach I snatched at it frantically. It was her.

"You slept _all_ night?!" I barked into the phone as I shot up into an upright position.

"Good _morning_ sleepy head," she crooned sweetly into the phone but I wasn't having any of it. I had just awakened up from the fuckiest nightmare about her falling from somewhere fatally high in the darkness and it put me in the foulest of moods.

"You slept from 3pm to 8 am," I accused her, purposely sidestepping her chirpiness.

"Um…," she paused. "Till 7:30?"

"Seventeen hours Bella?"

"Sixteen and a half actually."

"No fucking difference and quit being difficult. Why are you so tired all the time now? I want to know. You don't do anything to exhaust yourself like this."

"_Wow_, someone's not a morning person."

"Don't fuck with me Bella."

"Actually….I would, but _you_ said…"

In a flash of irrational fury and irritation I snapped my cell shut and hung up on her. Her ridicule only served to rub salt in my wounds and it pissed me off more than I already was. My pulse raced like the fucking road runner on amplified steroids and every imaginable expletive I knew came hauling out of my mouth. I wasn't in the fucking mood for teasing. It was time to get everything out into the open. I wanted nothing more but to blast the lid off the fucking canister and blow the shit out of that hole. I'd had enough.

_Fuck._

She had managed to drive me stark steering mad with her evasiveness. I pushed myself off my bed and headed to the bathroom when I heard my cell buzzing on my bed. I knew it was her calling back, just waiting for a fight on the other end. She was way too feisty to let that lapse in judgment pass. I turned back and snatched the phone off the bed and accepted the call without answering.

"Did you just hang up on me Edward Cullen?"

Calling me by my full name usually meant that I was in trouble.

"You have something to say to me, say it to my face," I answered her. "I'm on my way over."

"Don't come over," she snapped.

"I'm coming over."

"I won't be here when you get here."

"You're lying."

"Don't. come. over."

"You can't stop me."

"I promise you that I won't be home Edward. Do not come." She was really angry and I could hear her clench her teeth together.

"_Fuck_ Bella! I'm sorry for hanging up on you, ok. Stop being a stubborn brat and let me come over."

"Is that supposed to be an apology?"

_I wanted - to scream._

"You've been hiding something from me all week long and I've just about had it. You either tell me what's going on right now or I swear……I'll….I'll…."

"You'll _what?!_"

"I don't _fucking_ know! I'll figure the fuck out of something."

"Edward…"

"I'm sorry I hung up…ok! I'm sorry. It's not supposed to be about this trivial fucking shit anyway. I'm sorry. Bella, I'm sorry." I panicked. "You're driving me insane with worry. Why won't you tell me….why? What the fuck is so bad that you can't open up to me? Are you trying to drive me crazy? Is that what you want? Because that's what you're doing!"

She sighed so hard that it sounded like she deflated herself.

"Edward," she croaked and the tone in her voice softened noticeably. "I really won't be home this morning. I have to be somewhere. I'll come by your house around lunch time if it's ok."

"Where're you going? You're just saying that."

"No I'm not. I'm going out with Esme. I'll be back before lunch and I'll come to your house then. Is that ok?"

I dug my fingers into my hair and turned around like three times on the spot.

"It's ok."

She sighed again. "See you soon."

"Fine."

I stormed into the bathroom after that to relieve myself, frustrated to my very core for losing it on her the way I did. I hated it when girls lost it on _me_ and there I was embodying the very thing I loathed.

Not comforting was the additional and repeated blow that Bella had managed to turn me into the bitch. First she was breaking up with me and making me panic and claw after her like a desperate, love sick puppy; and then she had me losing my mind because I couldn't get myself into her head or get her to open up to me completely or fast enough. I just couldn't get her to do what I wanted. It sounded very fucking familiar, only the roles were reversed and I was the wailing bitch while she was the one who always seemed to be in control. I kicked the bathroom door shut and seethed at my reflection in the mirror over the sinks.

"Pull your shit together Cullen," I scolded myself. "All she needs is time and she'll come around. Don't go pushing her away by being clingy and weird. She loves you."

Once I was cleaned up I felt remotely better and I swallowed the morning dose of painkillers before heading downstairs for breakfast. I ran into Carlisle on his way out to the hospital.

"Good morning son," he said. "I won't be back until very late tonight. After the hospital, I'm taking…." he hesitated and glanced away. "I'm taking Esme out to dinner in Port Angeles. I'll be back before midnight."

I nodded at him absently. I really didn't care what, where or when he did anything with Esme and that apologetic look in his eyes whenever he said her name really needed to stop.

"Edward?"

"Dad."

"We should talk."

I hated whenever he said that. It only meant that there was something we had to _deal with_ and I already knew that it had something to do with Bella. Surprisingly enough however, he didn't look bothered and there wasn't a shred of tension in his posture or in his face.

"Tomorrow," he finished. "Not tonight."

"Fine," I shrugged, and then he nodded, patted me on my back and left me to my bowl of boring cereal.

While waiting for Bella to come over at lunch, I thought I'd kill time in the library and occupy myself with some reading. God only knew I needed the distraction, so I pulled a bookoff the shelf of Classics and settled down on the sofa with it. Bella loved it in there and I wanted her to be relaxed when she came over and perhaps forget about our fight, though I expected that we'd have to talk about it. We had all day to figure things out and I tried to mould my mind to the concept of letting my suspicions go once again. I didn't want to push her too far, not even in my desperation.

I sent her a text message telling her that I was waiting for her in the library and at 11:30 the doors opened and there she was in her slim fitting jeans, a pair of brown flat footed boots and an orange sweater under her brown coat. She blinked a few times when she came in and I saw the hair of her long bangs bounce on her eyelashes when she did.

"I'm sorry," was the first thing I said when I saw her. I was just so relieved to see her face that none of it mattered anymore.

"We're always apologizing to each other," she answered as she rested her back against the closed double doors. I patted my lap and tilted my chin toward her in summons. She didn't hesitate to skip over and drop her light weight onto my right thigh with her knees between my legs. Her easy reception was a relief and I pulled her body against me so that she could rest her head against mine.

"What are you reading?" she asked and I flipped the book shut to show her the cover.

"Pope Joan?" She asked with a confused frown at the cover. "Like an actual Pope?"

I nodded.

"Fiction?"

"Not really, no. Rumor has it that the world saw its first and last female Pope in the fourteenth century. Her name was Joan. She only lasted three years I think. It's actually an old classic."

"Oh. That's interesting," she said, fingering the corners of the cover. Then she changed the topic. "My mom is out all day, then she and Carlisle are going out for dinner."

"I know. I saw Carlisle on his way out this morning."

She peered down at me bashfully and blinked and I moved the hair out of her eyes when I saw it bounce against her eyelashes again. I made sure to rub my thumb against her cheek after putting her hair away behind her ear.

"Is it ok if I spent the day with you?" She asked almost hesitantly and that was my fault.

"As if you had a choice," I whispered against the warm pulse on her neck after I drew her closer to my face. She turned her face in towards mine and I raised my face slightly to accept the kiss she offered, only too relieved that we could be that sweet after the start we'd had. She stood up after our short kiss and walked over to the shelves and started to finger the spines as she skimmed through the choices.

She didn't try to talk about our fight. In fact, she never so much as hinted at it and I was hard pressed to believe that I had gotten off the hook so easily. Instinctively, I felt my stomach knot up in mounds and every fiber inside of me twitched in retaliation because I realized that she purposely avoided the topic because of where it would lead. However, after a few deep breaths and a centering thought, I was able to suppress the urge to intrude and accept what I had to….for the while. I was learning to conquer the monster inside little by little for the sake of making her happy.

I returned to my book and flipped through the pages idly, trying ever so hard to concentrate on the blunt story of an unorthodox young girl living in the 800's. I tried to blot out the rampage in my head with the words on the pages before me when her voice cut through my mental blabber.

"I want you to fulfill your promise to me today," she said with her back to me. "Is that ok?"

I raised my head and stared at her back fixatedly. I almost dropped the book in my hand when her meaning registered. Shockingly enough, giving Bella an orgasm was the furthest thing from my mind at the point. I was so caught up in my own internal battle of whether or not to confront her about all the things she'd been hiding from me that it never occurred to me that that day was as perfect an opportunity as any to give her what I had promised.

She turned her head to the side slightly and when her hair fell over her shoulders to hide her profile, she turned back to the books and resumed her fingering without another word. I held on to her hair with my eyes and watched the way it spread across her back all the way down to her waistline. What a small waistline she had hidden inside of her coat. Why Bella always insisted on wearing her coat indoors was beyond me, but I had long since realized that her little idiosyncrasies were part of what made her so fucking adorable.

I watched her pensively as she touched the books, pulling out one every now again to read the blurb at the back only to return it to the shelf and after she'd done it a few times without deciding on any, I sensed that it was actually a form of fidgeting through which she was getting rid of the nervous energy that was building up inside of her. She was such an interesting little creature to observe and still very new to me. She was novel, untouched and fettered, pure and innocent though at the same time feisty, tough and responsive. I'd have to be very careful with her, because with every touch I'd essentially be planting the seeds of her first memories of what it felt like to be touched in a certain way for the first time. We would not have sex, no; but there were other ways to claim her and weaken her senseless, making her keel over in unimaginable, staggering ecstasy. But first, I wanted to watch. I wanted to look at and own her with my eyes before giving in to my physical impulses.

I started with her hair again as I willed her to stay put and fisted my hands in response to my urge to walk over to her and lose my fingers in the soft, lengthy locks. I roamed to the top of her head and imagined where I'd want her head to be when I started my physical and virginal exploration of her body. Funny enough, she raised a hand in that very moment and passed her hand through her hair from the top of her head to the back of her neck. I swallowed and twitched my eyebrows.

I went down her back then and damned that coat for blocking the view I wanted to have. I saw herbare back in my head, with no t-shirt or bra and I shifted on the couch as I felt a premature and stiff rise in my pants. She fidgeted again and much to my surprise, she bent her left arm by the elbow and brushed the back of her hand against her back in a swift sweeping motion.

Again, I swallowed.

My eyes landed on her ass next to where her pair of jeans held her in all the right places, rightfully hugging her curvaceous mounds then disappearing under her cheeks, pulling my gaze into the darkness of her hidden crevices. The only thing her coat did right was to stop at the top of her hips so that it didn't block my view. After a few seconds of mauling her bottom cheeks with my eyes, fidgety Bella shifted her weight from her left leg to her right and then back to the left leg again. She did the most agonizing thing next. She clenched one side of her ass and passed her open palm over it hastily then dropped her hand swiftly as if she'd never done it. I sat forward then and rested my left elbow on my left knee and took in the back view of her with one eyebrow raised.

Why did she touch herself in every place that I looked?

She never turned around, nor did she say anything. She simply continued rummaging through the books as if I wasn't in the room. My eyes went up to her back again and by the rise and fall of her back I realized that her breathing had quickened.

Coincidence?

She dropped her both hands to her sides then and the movement caught my attention. My eyes shifted to her right hand and as I watched her open palm I remembered the way that very hand held and stroked my swollen penis the one day we got remotely carried away in my bed. My breath snagged in my throat when, at that very memory of mine, she balled her right hand into a fist and squeezed tightly. It started piecing itself together in my head and the phenomena of what was actually happening before my eyes and perhaps, _because_ of my very eyes was _the _most mind fucking, miraculous and unimaginable thing I had _ever_ experienced; and just to test my wacko theory……

"Take off your coat."

She turned her head to the side and was about to turn around to face me when I stopped her.

"_No_. Don't turn around. Please don't move," I commanded and she froze. I caught a hint of her flushed cheek from her side profile just before she turned back to face the shelves.

"What are…"

"Ssshhh. Don't say anything either."

She balled both hands into tight fists then and raised her head to look up at some higher shelves, but every instinct in my body told me that her eyes were closed and that she wasn't really looking at anything up there.

"I need you to relax," I said and when I said that she took a deep breath and dropped her head.

"Take another deep breath."

She obeyed.

"Relax your hands Bella. Open your fists."

She did what I asked and wriggled her fingers.

"Take another deep breath."

I saw her posture start to relax slightly as her shoulders dropped and her arms loosened at her sides.

"Now take off your coat as slowly as you can."

She raised her hands to the front of the coat where it was open at the center and pulled it back over her shoulders. She shrugged out of it slowly and I watched as it came peeling off of her arms. It fell on the floor behind her with a heavy thud.

"Are you wearing anything underneath that sweater?"

She nodded affirmatively.

"Take the sweater off too."

She turned her head to the side again but her profile was blocked by the thick sheath of dark hair and I saw her chest rise but snag with a caught breath of air.

"Don't look around," I cautioned her, trying my best to maintain a gentle tone with her, though my vocal chords were all taut and strapped. She jerked slightly when I spoke, but she turned back to the books and started to take the sweater off.

She raised it over her head slowly and when she pulled it over her head I noticed both the way the hem of her t-shirt underneath raised with the sweater and exposed the small of her back, which by the way seemed to be red from where I was sitting, and then I noticed the way her hair followed the sweater over head and then spilled back down to her back and shoulders in a heavy shower of dark gloss. I had never felt that kind of physical stimulus to watching a girl's properly clothed back before. There was something about the way she stripped herself in obedience, one piece at a time, taking my eyes closer to the prized flesh underneath that rocked every joint in my body. I never wanted to see a girl's body as much as hers….and I was accustomed to wanting plenty.

I swallowed something huge in my throat and shifted again on the couch, a mere thought away from closing the gap between us. I realized that she was waiting for my next instruction with her head bent down again in rapt anticipation, but I had no further instruction. What I wanted was for her to stand there and let me look at her, to outline her silhouette with my eyes without the heavy artillery of sweater and coat, and I wanted to see if she would respond the way I _suspected _she had before.

Very intentionally, I moved my eyes down her spine, to the curve of her back where it arched slightly at her waist and then to the outline from her hip to her waist, taking in the gentle, inward curve of her.

She didn't move a single muscle.

So I travelled up the side of her outline to her shoulder, then down her spine again, slower this time training every single mortal sense of mine on her.

I took in the arch at her waist and the small of her back, but then she raised her head and my eyes snapped upward. With a small shake of my head, I reverted my eyes down to her left hip, then moved deliberately up the outline there with brooding eyes and lingered longingly on her waist line imagining my arms snaking around it to pull her down and pin her underneath me with her legs apart so that I could fit right in her center.

And there it was; the movement of betrayal that sold her out to me. Her left arm twitched as she brought it in and pressed it firmly to her side so that she could singe the sensation that I invoked against her waist.

"What are you doing?" She whispered breathily with her head down, and her question confirmed it.

I stood up in a brisk flash and covered the space between us with four long strides, stopping just a few inches away from her, close enough to smell but not to touch.

"You feel that don't you?" I whispered with my head bent down to her.

She shoulders rose and fell as she exhaled.

"Feel what?"

"My eyes…on you."

"I don't know what you mean."

I took her left shoulder from behind in my hand and turned her around to face me. Her face was completely flushed and by the trouble she had with maintaining eye contact I knew she was trying to hide again. I raised her face with a finger to her chin and pinned my eyebrows together though I tried to smile to let her know that it was ok. Fuck, it was better than just ok. It was amazing and by the hint of fear in her eyes I could tell that I wasn't the only one learning something new about her then and there. She had realized it about herself as well. She frowned and swallowed and frowned some more, ever pensive and lost in deep thought.

"Can you feel my eyes on you Bella?"

"Not always," she shook her head and closed her eyes. "No."

"But just then, when I looked at you like that?"

She opened her eyes then and braved eye contact with me.

"Perhaps…," and she wrapped her arms around herself and spoke in a small voice that was unlike her. "Yes."

I dug my hand into my hair then and held on to the back of my head for a few seconds in amazement as her affirmative answer knocked the wind out of me.

"My God," I uttered. "That's…..I mean, your body…..is. Your mind…._fuck_. You've taken my words from me. I can't even put what I'm feeling into words right now. Your body is amazing."

She shook her head inconsolably, but the small smile on her lips betrayed her blushing.

"It's not so much my body as it is my mind…I think."

"Whatever it is Bella. It's incredible. Your mind, your body….," and I rested my eyes on the top of her head and poked it gently with my left index. "That's a powerful fucker you got in there. Sorry, I meant…."

"I know what you meant," she smiled and shook her head. I passed my hand down the side of her face then and cupped it.

"Do you have any idea how amazing and_ different_ you are? You can incite a physical reaction in your body from someone else from a few yards to as much as thousands of miles away. And now..this. You can feel me Bella, even when I'm not in pain. You feel my eyes on you and I can't say that I'm not fascinated by it."

"You don't think it's freaky?" She asked.

"Freaky?" I almost laughed at her self consciousness then, but instead I bent over and kissed her. "Not freaky at all. I think it's incredible."

I felt her relax when I kissed her.

"I think I've felt it before, with you I mean," she said. "And I think I like it. For the first time, I'm able to feel something good from someone else."

I smiled devilishly at her then with the half smirk that always made her blush, though I never actually did that on purpose. "Just think what we can do with it Bella."

Her eyes lit up in anticipation and she nodded.

"You asked me a question before about me keeping my promise to you today," I smiled as I passed my fingers through her hair. "Do you still want an answer?"

"What's your answer?" She smiled with her face raised to mine.

"Hell _fucking_ yeah.


	36. Chapter 36 Double the Pleasure

**Chapter 36**

**Double the Pleasure**

For the next few hours there was nothing more important than showing Bella how she deserved to be touched and how enthralling I thought she was. Earlier that week she had alluded to the fact that she didn't consider herself beautiful or sexy and at the time I was at a loss for the right words to set her straight on it. However, the more I thought about it the more akin I grew to the idea of showing her the truth about who she was in my eyes, instead of merely telling her. Words were only words and they had the features of being forgettable or retractable if need be, but a touch was something different. The right touch was sure to embed itself in her psyche forever because it would make her feel something emotive; and if I was capable of transferring the love I had for her through my hands and through my eyes, there would be nothing forgettable or retractable about that.

On realizing that she could feel my presence inside of her body by the very way I looked at her, my fate had sealed itself with her and there was nothing I could do about that even if I wanted to. At seventeen years old I had found the impossible enigma of a girl who had destroyed me for everyone else and whether or not we ended up together infinitely, I knew that there would never be another person to move, own and unnerve me the way she had in only a few short weeks. She had given herself completely without even trying, by the way she attached herself to me unconsciously, and it made me feel like a fool for bitching about the trivialities in the things I couldn't control.

Right then and there as I looked into her eager, doe like eyes, the strongest need to have a part of her physicality submerged me and I just had to have her. I shoved my concerns about her hiding things from me into the recesses of my mind and pressed on with the new obsession of making her buckle under the drugging spell of sexual upheaval.

I took her up to my bedroom and the fact that it was my first premeditated sexual act was a bit intimidating. Usually, being with a girl just happened spontaneously and sporadically with me. I had never intended or planned to be with a girl more than ten minutes before the act and I'd be lying if I didn't admit to building up that moment with Bella in my head in a way that made it seem pretty fucking overwhelming. She glanced at Marcus' closed door on the way to mine and the familiar constriction in my chest flickered. I opened my door hurriedly and led her inside then shut the door behind us.

She dropped her coat and sweater over the back of the armchair of the suite in the corner, then kicked off her boots. Her pink socks made me smile. As troubled and complicated as she was, there was always that little hint of simple girlieness that escaped and pushed its way to the surface. I looked at her scan my room with her eyes like she did the first time she was in there and then she turned to me and smiled sheepishly, begging me with her eyes to please take over and relieve her of the pressure of trying to figure out what to do next. I smiled at her reassuringly and winked. I knew what I wanted to do, but I needed something first.

"Can you give me a few minutes?" I asked. She arched an eyebrow at me and shrugged.

"Sure. What for?"

"I'll be back. Don't go anywhere."

I left her making her way up onto my bed and hurried down to Carlisle's office to call him from the desk phone in there.

"What are you doing in my office?" Carlisle answered. I needed to pretend to be in excruciating pain for my plan to work, so I bit down on my teeth and grunted in a low tone.

"Dad, I need your help."

"What's the matter Edward?" His voice transformed immediately into worry and though I felt guilty for using him this way, the vestal virgin in my bedroom that awaited my return was far more important.

"I just banged my shoulder against my bed post by mistake….." I feigned a gasp. "I need something really fucking strong to numb the shit out of my shoulder and I need it now."

The pain killers I had gotten from the hospital wouldn't cut it, I knew.

"Edward," Carlisle answered. "How bad is it? I'm at the hospital and I can't leave."

"It's_ terrible_," I cried out into the receiver. "What do you have at home? I need something now. I can't stand it!"

So I flagged the spoiled card a bit, but I found comfort in the fact that I didn't usually ask him for much.

"I can barely walk upright. It's fucking up my breathing and it's…"

"Ok, alright," he cut me off. "Edward I don't have to tell you how very serious this is. I need you to be discreet and extremely careful."

"Yeah I know, I know. I won't tell anyone."

"And I'm not leaving you up to it on your own. It's a federal offense to give it to you without a prescription, but I guess I can write you one when I get home. If you're _that_ desperate…."

"I am!"

"Then get Emmett on the phone quickly. I don't have all day."

"Emmett? What _for_?!"

"It's not a pill Edward, it's a shot and I'm not about to expose to you to a supply of pain killers when you're in that amount of pain. It's too dangerous and I don't want you over doing it. What's wrong with the ones you have anyway?"

"I took those this morning and I'm not due for the other dosage for a long while, besides they're not strong enough. I can't wait. I promise I'll take only what you tell me to."

"If you want it, get Emmett on the phone."

"Hang on."

_Fuck._ Of course I didn't think it would be easy. I glanced at the ceiling and thought about Bella waiting in for me then hurried back up the stairs to Emmett's room. Carlisle said it was a shot, so whatever it was I had to take it through a needle; always a fucking complication.

I ran up the stairs to Emmett's room and banged on the door three or four times. He opened it after a few seconds and low and behold Rosalie was in there with him. I could hear her complaining about the intrusion.

"What?" Emmett asked wearing nothing but a look of impatience on his face. Who the fuck was I to judge right?

"Carlisle is on the phone to you," I said. "In his office."

Emmett frowned at me, obviously confused. "Why didn't he just call my cell?"

"I'm the one that called him and now he wants to talk to you. It'll just take a minute."

"Piss off Edward!" Rosalie yelled from the inside. "In case you haven't noticed, you're _interrupting_."

If Carlisle only knew what went on his house when he wasn't home. Emmett ducked back inside, put on a pair of boxers then came back out.

"Hang tight Rose. I'll be back."

He followed me to Carlisle's office and picked up the waiting receiver off the desk.

"Carlisle," he said, and then he listened. It was only then I realized that perhaps I should have prepped him before taking the call, but seeing that it was already too late for that, all I could do was signal to him with my hand. I pointed to my injured shoulder, made a gun with my fingers and pulled the trigger at my head. Emmett rolled his eyes sarcastically.

"Uh huh," he said. "I'm looking at him right now." I widened my eyes at him and tried to communicate to him that I needed him to play along. He frowned at me and stared at my shoulder for a few seconds then nodded with a disparaging glint in his eyes.

"Yeah it looks pretty messed up," he said with a pensive frown.

_Yeah, and you're the personification of sainthood Emmett_, I thought sarcastically.

"Wait I want _him_ to hear it," Emmett said and hit the speaker button. Carlisle's voice came across clearly after that.

"Edward, I have a few dosages of Morphine in the medical cabinet, each individually bottled. I told Emmett where to find the key. He will give you _one_ dosage and that's it. I gave him permission to swallow the key afterward so that you don't go looking for more. I forbid it. This is the first and the last time Edward."

"First and last," I answered. Emmett folded his arms across his ample bare chest and glowered at me.

"Thanks dad," I said to the phone on the desk.

"Call me when you're done Emmett," Carlisle said.

"Ok," Emmett answered, then disconnected the call.

"What the fuck is going on?" Emmett asked taking a few steps toward me.

"I need the pain killer. What's the big deal?"

"You look fine to me."

"But in a few minutes, I won't be."

He raised his eyebrows and smiled sardonically.

"What're you gonna be doing in a few minutes to hurt your arm? Wait, haha! You're gonna jack off aren't ya? I can't believe you're asking to numb your shoulder so that you jack the fuck off!"

"Fuck you Emmett and no, that's not what I need it for. I do fine with my left hand thank you very much."

He got even more amused when I said that and rocked his head back in laughter.

"You ambidextrous little shit. That's really cool."

"Give me the Morphine."

"Tell me why first."

"Why do you care?!"

"Because it's dangerous and because Carlisle is trusting my judgment in his absence, and because you just made me lie to him. You want better reasons than those?" He counted each reason on his fingers as he said it.

"Fuck," I bit out and shoved my fingers through my hair. "I need my shoulder numbed Emmett. Piece it together on your own."

He looked at me silently for a few moments then he lowered his voice and laughed again.

"Bella's up there isn't she?!"

I nodded and glared at him for the fun he was having at my expense.

"You want to numb your shoulder so that you can fuck your girlfriend?!"

"We're not going to having sex."

"_Really_."

"No, we're not and we haven't yet if that's what you're about to ask next. Not that it's any of your fucking business. Now give it."

"Carlisle is taking a chance with this Edward," he said. "This shit is addictive."

"I know, Geez! It's not like I'll be injured forever goddamn it. I only need it this one time."

"Turn around."

"What?"

"I'm going to get the key from where he told me to, so turn around." I rolled my eyes and turned around in annoyance, feeling utterly ridiculous. I did whatever it took to get that fucking Morphine into my blood so that I could go back to Bella quickly.

"Ok." He said a little while later and I turned around to see him unlock one of the medicine cabinets that looked like a safe. Sure enough there were individual doses of Morphine lined up in little glass bottles, among other things.

"Carlisle said there'd be a drawer here with…..ah. Here it is." He pulled open a small drawer under the cabinet filled with packaged sterile needles, rolls of cotton, gauze and plasters. He took one of the needles out.

"This will actually be fun," Emmett grinned with a glint in his eyes as he grabbed a bottle of the drug. He freed the needle of the plastic packaging and stuck it into the little rubber tip at the top of the downturned bottle in his hand. He drained the clear contents of it into the syringe through the needle then pulled the needle out and pushed gently on the back end of the syringe until a squirt of the liquid came spurting out the tip.

"I can see why Carlisle gets a kick out of this. There's something powerful and heady about sticking a needle into some unfortunate bloke. Ready?" He grinned.

"Wait," I put my hand over his and stopped him. "Is it ok if I do it?"

"What, are you afraid of me?" He teased. "I'm not going to stab you with it."

My eyes roamed up to the ceiling again and I wondered if Bella would feel the prick of the needle when I did. I wanted to do it in front of her, just in case.

"Still. I'll feel a lot better if I do it myself."

He frowned again and refused to let go of the needle, and there was no point in trying to wrestle it from him either. I'd never win.

"Fuck Emmett, I'm kind of in a hurry here."

"Take the damn Morphine Edward," he said and shoved the syringe out to me. "Right here in front of me. Do it."

"I want to do it upstairs."

"What the fuck is your game here? Is it for Bella?"

"God no!" I screamed at him. "I just want to do it in front of her."

"Is this some kind of kinky sex shit? Because now you're just getting fucking weird."

I shoved it back toward him and narrowed my eyes at him impatiently. We were going nowhere fast and I was wasting time.

"Do it quick Emmett. _Fuck_!" He took it from me and I braced myself for the pinch. I barely felt it. The prick was quick and he pushed the liquid into my shoulder, pulled out the needle again then rolled my sleeve back down.

"You're done," he said.

"Thanks," I said and hurried out, leaving him to call Carlisle to assure him of my cooperation.

I raced upstairs with the speed of lightning under my feet and barged in through my bedroom door to find her sitting peacefully in the middle of my bed with her legs folded Indian style in front of her, bobbing her head to music on her ipod. Her eyes were closed. She looked peaceful. She was fine.

The moment the Morphine entered my system I felt it spread through my shoulder and numb it easily. There was a slight euphoric tingling but more than that it was soothing. Just to test it, I raised my elbow to shoulder level and when it didn't hurt, I dropped my elbow carelessly back to my side and smiled. With her eyes closed, she didn't even know that I was in the room by the door and when she didn't budge from my little experiment I knew that I had done good.

I walked over to the foot of the bed and when I approached, she opened her eyes and looked up at me.

"You'll never be able to sneak up on me," she smiled and pulled at the chords of the ear buds to remove them from her ears.

"Why do you say that?"

"Your scent will always betray you. I can usually smell you before I even see you and I know you're there."

"I'm not sure that's a compliment," I responded with a raised eyebrow.

"You smell like heaven Edward," she said in a matter of fact tone. "Or at least like what I think heaven should smell like."

"You're one to talk," I smiled as I took the strap of the sling in my left hand and started to undo it in front of her. "In fact I think you should rub yourself all over my pillows right now so that I can smell you all over my bed even after you leave."

"I'll do whatever you want me to."

She caught on to what I was doing with the strap and she straightened her back and frowned with a flash of panic in her eyes.

"What are you doing?" She asked as her eyes started shifting and jumping all over my hand at work.

"Tell me if you feel anything," I said to her. She put her hands over her mouth and muffled a small squeal.

"Edward, should you be…?"

The sling fell away from my arm and fell to the floor soundlessly and I looked as the crease between her brows grew deeper and more indented in confusion. I raised my arm and flexed it, in and out then up and down. The concept of 'nothing' was never more glorious.

She dropped her hands from her mouth and flashed me an incredulous smile.

"How are you doing that?" She asked and cocked her head to the side with her arms held out to me. "Come here."

"Morphine," I answered and I climbed up on to the bed. I crept on my hands and knees toward her until she was falling backward slowly and I crawled right over her.

"Was that what you were doing?" She asked underneath me.

"That's what I was doing."

"No discomfort at all?"

"You tell me," I smiled down at her. She giggled and shook her head.

"None. That's incredible. Why didn't you do that all along?"

"Carlisle won't let me take Morphine regularly. It's too potent and highly addictive bla bla bla, and he doesn't want me telling anyone that he gave it to me without a prescription."

"My lips are sealed," she gasped with bated breath and those eyes that were usually so sad and troubled were suddenly excitable and loaded with desire.

"Now," I said as I lowered myself comfortably onto her. "If I may trouble your tranquility…"

The next natural thing was to press my mouth onto hers and when I did, she wrapped her arms around my neck and dragged her fingernails against my scalp. Her tongue snaked into my mouth like a hot, wet, spell and I was happy to reciprocate with like appreciation. I was able to wrap my arms under and around her and I held her so tightly that I almost expected her to writhe in discomfort, but she didn't. The tighter I held her, the tighter she held me and in less than three seconds we were a single, bonded entity pressing ourselves into each other to the point where I could feel her heart beating against my chest.

It was so fucking good to hold her like that, firmly and properly without any obstacle between us and I basked in the goodness of it, promising myself to never take a single body part of mine for granted again. I rolled to the side, taking her with me so that I could reach for the remote control for the blinds off my nightstand. When I got it, I pointed it blindly to the wall with my second hand in her hair as our tongues continued their tribal dance around and against each other. When the blinds closed she smiled against my mouth and raised a leg over my hip.

"Fancy," she smiled. "I didn't know you had one of those. I just use the chords."

"I want to do it again," I said in direct avoidance to the talk about the blinds.

"Do what? Play with the remote control?" She asked.

"No silly. I want to touch you with my eyes."

She stopped breathing then and pulled her face away just enough so that our eyes could find one another.

"Bella, exhale."

"Ok," she exhaled softly and nodded.

"Are you lightheaded today?" I asked because already I could tell that her breathing was askew, but then again, so was mine and if her symptoms that week had anything to do with Charlie then there was no way they would act up on my account.

"I promise you I'm not," she answered me breathily. I raised off of her and sat back on my heels, then I held a hand down to her and when she took it, I pulled her up to sit in front of me. I placed my legs around her the same way I had the day we were fooling around under the Oak…the day she fainted. Only this time, I had my both hands at my disposal and I was able to completely encase her little body in the embrace that I had wanted to give her then and every fucking day since I popped my fucking shoulder. I lost all ten fingers in her hair that cascaded down her back and when my fingers played their way down to the hemline of her t-shirt, I held on tightly and lifted it over her head. Her hair did that thing again where it spilled and bounced over her head in pursuit of the departing fabric and then back down onto shoulders and chest.

"Am I the first to see you?" I asked as I pinned my forehead against hers.

"Yes," she gulped in a small whisper. Her nervous energy was like static energy that radiated off her bare skin. It excited me because it was a novel experience for her and unlike other girls who'd have had me naked and half way to fuck town by then, with Bella, it was slow and she was patient.

"Am I the first one to touch you?" I asked as I kissed her again.

"Yes."

"With my eyes?"

"Yes."

"With my hands?"

"Yes."

I knew that already but hearing it gave me the ego of an alpha male that had his territory to mark. I tossed her t-shirt to the floor and then I stroked the planes of her chest, taking her hair with my fingers and placing the heavy locks behind her shoulders. Her bra was white, like I would have guessed and I knew that if I had read that tag at the back it would have said 100% cotton. I pressed my palm against her chest, between the soft mounds that rose and fell to the rhythm of her breathing. Her heartbeat was powerful and erratic and I think the feel of hers against my palm inveigled the pace in mine.

I started kissing her deeply again in an attempt to center her and to take her mind off of her own body and any inclination she might have had to try to _figure out_ how to react to me. I didn't want her reactions to be calculated. I wanted them to happen naturally. I worshipped her face with kisses followed by the strokes of my fingers, only too happy to come out and play. I pushed her back down on the bed then, took her thighs in my hands, spread her legs and pulled her down to me so that I was positioned right in the middle, still sitting back on my heels.

My eyes feasted on the creamy skin of her chest and stomach on their way down to the hip line of her jeans. I swear that even the look of her was innocent, if there is such a thing. Her skin was smooth and clean looking, perfectly toned and vibrating with the very pulse that raced at numerous points inside of her body. I unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans and pulled them down past her hips just enough for me to see the color of her panties. I was shocked to see that they were pink instead of white, but because I didn't want to go off in my head on another analogy about the color of her underwear, I continued to pull the heavy denim off of her until she was lying before me in nothing but her bra and panties.

I dug all ten fingers into my hair and looked down at her, trying to find the faith in myself to touch her the way she deserved because surely my hands could not have been worthy of such a feat, not after where they had been. I found it astounding that she managed to stay so perfect and unscathed, considering the beating her body took on a regular basis from carrying the physical crosses of her father. I was comforted by the fact that we had agreed to do this with only my eyes at first because I just didn't know how to put my hands on her right away.

She wobbled her legs a little to get my attention and when I looked up at her face she frowned slightly and tilted her head to the side.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You look distracted and…kinda far away."

I shook my head and tried to smile. I couldn't let her know that I was probably a hundred times more nervous than she was and that for the first time I didn't know how to be around a girl for fear of fucking things up and just making it a sucky experience for her.

"You don't need to be nervous you know," she smiled at me and if I didn't know better I'd think she was reading my mind. "I'm only a virgin and besides, we're not having sex…right?"

"You're so fucking beautiful," I said to her and I know it shocked her the way it came out of me, like a burden that needed shedding. She put her arms over her torso and hugged herself.

"No," I said determinedly and removed her arms from her body. I opened them and pinned them onto the pillows at the sides of the head. "Let me look at you. Never hide yourself from me."

And I meant that in more ways than one.

Something incomprehensible flashed through her eyes then, something I didn't like. I made a mental note of it and recorded it in my memory then asked her to close her eyes. If she could really feel me through her mind, then she wouldn't need her eyes to know the path my eyes were about to take.

I settled down better in my space between her legs, almost touching the insides of her thighs. I glanced down at the most vulnerable and inviting part of her body, cloaked in pink and made sure that my knees didn't make contact with her. I didn't have to look up at her face to know that her breathing had picked up because I heard it.

The features of her face were not calm, not by any means. Her cheeks had already started to flush and her eyebrows were properly pinned together in anticipation for what was about to happen. Her eyelashes were heavy and dark. Any longer and they'd have been resting on her cheekbones.

I imagined myself kissing the planes of her face, her forehead, her nose, her cheekbones, the path along her hairline, her lips; and the moment I got to her lips, she parted them and tilted her head back in the most enticing call to bend over and suck her pouty parts into my mouth. So far, it was working. Already she was responding to me.

I almost did it too. I almost bent down and did with my lips what I was doing with my eyes, and I caught myself on my way down to her face and stopped myself. I swallowed, straightened my back and bit down on my bottom lip for some measure of control.

My eyes went down to her neck next and I scanned the surface area there from one side of her to the next until I found the slightly discolored spot that I reddened the day I had sucked on her by the Oak. I envisioned it in my head again and I literally felt her flesh between my teeth like before, seeing with my eyes the way she had craned her neck to give me full access and the way she cried out in excited surprise when I drew her into my mouth and sunk my teeth into her. Just then, a soft gasp escaped her parted lips as I remembered it and she turned her face to the side to bare the very spot on her neck that I was staring at. The mark was barely visible anymore, but the pulse that beat underneath it was so vibrant that it flickered in plain view.

_Fuck,_ she was so perfectly in tune with me, it was amazing.

I enjoyed every minute of my visual exploration across her skin. Her collar bones were next. I covered the length of them on both sides and stopped once in the middle at the slight dip when I had licked her with my tongue and just like a beautiful little instrument that I played with my eyes, she tensed her neck muscles in response to the trace my eyes made from her collar bones to her chin. She sighed then and I smiled.

It was a little more difficult when I got to her chest because the urge to tear that cotton bra off of her was very strong. I had to sit on my hands just to avoid grabbing at those begging, upward peaking and perky mounds. I found the spot where I averaged her nipples would be and in my head and I saw myself take those nipples one at a time in my mouth and suckle on them until she'd be aroused. My hands almost freed themselves when I saw her nipples harden and poke through the fabric of her bra like the most obedient little subjects, flattering me for my worship. Her chest started to rise and fall in dramatic heaves and after that, her breathing never returned to normal. It only got hotter and fucking hotter from there.

I saw her try to control herself and every time she felt like she was giving too much away she would squeeze her eyes tightly closed and suck in a harsh breath of air. Even though her breathing was unsteady, I knew I didn't have anything to worry about because it wasn't like the other days when she appeared to be out of breath and struggling for air. This time, it was amazingly sexy the way she breathed because every rise of her chest brought her breasts closer to me and every time she exhaled they plummeted with a slight bounce. I was getting hard already.

I had to do something with my hands quickly because it was getting seriously fucking hard to restrain them. I grabbed two handfuls of my hair at either side of my head and held them there as my erection fought for space on the inside of my jeans. She gasped again, louder this time and her eyebrows knitted together in some kind of concentration as I slid my appraising eyes down her flat stomach and straight to her panties.

My eyes shifted back to her face to see her reaction and I knew she was hot by the way her hands were clutching the pillow under her head. I shifted my body down lower away from her, between her knees so that I could get a better look at my next target, right between her thighs. She opened her legs fractionally wider then as if she knew what I was about to do though I seriously doubted it.

I lowered my eyes to the spot where I knew I could get her to lose control and already she was swollen. I could see it. I squeezed my fists into my hair harder and bit down on my lip again trying to fight the urge to touch her with my own hands. She wanted it so badly and by her subtle writhing movements it was clear that neither of us had to say a single word or lift a finger to incite the kind of reaction I was getting from her. I pressed my eyes to her clit and I envisioned my thumb rubbing against it in slow circular movements. Her hips bucked when I did that and she let out a small stifled cry.

I maintained focus on that gem of a spot, moving my eyes around it like I would with my thumb, around and around, slowly increasing the pace, wishing I could feel the erect knob flicker and budge beneath my finger. She cried out again and her eyebrows were so tightly pinned together that her expression could have easily been misconstrued for pain. Through her parted and quivering lips I could see the white tips of her front teeth peek out and her tongue did all sorts of wet and tantalizing things inside of her mouth. I nearly pushed myself onto her and rammed my erection between her open legs when I saw her snake her tongue over her lips then bite down on her lower lip, but I fought the urge because refocusing my eyes to her swollen and begging clit was more important right then. The second I returned my eyes to her panties I saw a dark moistness seep through the pink material and spread out slightly.

She raised her knees and arched her back slightly. The gasps and stifled cries that were coming out of her mouth sounded like a breathy mating call and I was starting to slowly lose my control. My own breathing went askew just from looking at the way she fought to withhold her passion and my heart hammered like a beating drum inside of my chest.

I imagined lowering my face onto her and finally making contact with her point of arousal with the inside of my mouth. I felt my groin budge delightedly when she gasped and dug her fingernails deeper into the pillow so I intensified the effect by picturing myself sucking on her gently. Her cries got louder and less and less coherent and she moved her arms down to her sides where she clutched the bed sheets in two fierce handfuls. I saw her tense her entire body in introversion, in natural and hindering self awareness.

_"Let it happen Bella," _I whispered to her with my eyes held steadfast to her clit.

I burned my eyes into her and imagined every single thing that I wanted to and intended to do with my tongue and my teeth; and the clearer I saw it, the more she let go and the louder she moaned. I pulled on her clit with my eyes, harder and harder, faster and faster giving her exactly what she was begging for.

"Edward," she gasped. "What are you doing? I uh….oh my God….I can't….uh!"

I wanted to touch her so badly, wanted to plaster my hands against her and sprawl myself all over her bucking, writhing form, but I knew that even the slightest touch would shock her out of the virtual sphere and it would have spoiled everything. I had to wait.

I pressed my palm down on my erection and tried to steady it, though all it made me think of was rubbing myself against her wet opening and exchange my moisture for hers.

The point came where she could withhold her pent up energy no longer and before I knew it, she screamed out in a single unabashed call of nature and tensed every single muscle in her body. Her legs trembled and when it was over they collapsed onto the bed around me.

Amazed like fuck, I stared at her face in wonderment, thinking that that was the single most arousing and gratifying sexual experience I had _ever_ had in my entire life. I had just given Bella an orgasm without. even. touching. her.

She rolled on to her side and buried her face in her hands.

"_Oh no_," I said and grabbed her by her ankles to pull her weight down toward me. "We're not done yet."

"Huh?" She gasped with reddened cheeks. I pulled her right up against me so that her crotch was almost jammed against mine and without another moment to spare I eliminated the space between us and took her in my arms a little rougher than I had intended to.

"More?" She gasped as I pressed my mouth to hers.

"Much, much more," I answered with the most serious of expressions and intentions. I did everything I wanted to when I was looking at her with my eyes, only this time I covered my tracks with my hands, with my lips and with my tongue. I ran my greedy tongue everywhere from her neck to her collar bones, her chest and swells that peeked out of the bra. I pushed my hand under her and unhooked the clasp and pulled off the bra without as much as a second guess. Her breasts bobbed out joyously and I couldn't help myself. I had to hold them and take her nipples into my mouth. I did everything I had pictured myself doing to her before. I suckled and gnawed with my teeth and worked on her until I had her gasping for air again and generally just abandoning herself entirely to me without her previous inhibitions.

"My goodness Edward," she gasped in excitement. "It feels, even better…when you're actually…"

I traced my previous path from her breasts down to her stomach and across her hips with deep kisses, rolling my tongue against her any and everywhere I could find a pulse. The first time I paused was when I reached her panties. I glanced up at her and she responded by pushing her hips toward my face; like a bewitching little angel with horns. I obeyed her and pulled her underwear off in one swift motion. It slid easily down her thighs and past her ankles. She giggled girlishly for a little while but when I spread her legs and bore a serious gaze into her eyes, all the play left her and was replaced by a smoldering hot, fiery stare.

I teased her at first because I knew that what she was about to feel was so mind fucking that it wouldn't be right to rush it and I wanted to build her up gradually to the point of explosion. It would undoubtedly be better the second time around with an actual physical sensation embedding itself to her skin. She had even said it when I tasted her sweet breasts. It felt better when I actually touched her and I loved that. I stroked her legs from the inside of her thighs from her knees to her hips and then I went underneath and squeezed her ass like I had been wanting to ever since the first day in the library some weeks before.

Just like I knew she would, she smiled and approved the motion by lifting herself slightly to give me better access. With her legs open in front of me like that, it was too much to resist especially because I found myself looking down at her exposed core with impassioned eyes again, which made her heat up in another bout of concentrated arousal. I dipped my right thumb into her moistness that generously escaped her body, then dragged the aphrodisiac all the way up to the top and worked it on her clit, making it all slippery and wet and hot. She covered her face with her hands and tried to stifle a loud groan. Ordinarily, I would have made her move her hands, but I decided to let her express her excitement however she needed to because it was _her_ experience and I didn't want to distract her from being her natural self.

I rubbed my slippery thumb all over her swollen and erect clit. It was taut and it was ripe and it sure as fuck looked juicy. I felt her clit harden as I went faster, borrowing some moisture from her spouting crevice every now and again in order to oil that spot better. She was near going crazy. She groaned and moaned and panted and gasped and cried out in all sorts of incoherent utterances that I knew better than to try and translate. It was quite clear that she was at least ten times as sensitive the second time around, as if the first orgasm was just an appetizer to the entree she was about to have.

I knew she was almost there when I saw the muscles in her stomach start to clench and tense, but I didn't want it to end like that. I wanted her to hit the fucking ceiling in mind fucking ecstasy, one hundred fucking times more intense than anything she thought she was feeling right then. That's when I bent my head and let my tongue loose on her rapt protuberance. She screamed out in shock and dropped her arms heavily to her sides so that she could grab at the sheets again.

"Oh my _GOD!!_ Edward!" She cried out. She grabbed onto my head next and opened her legs even wider as if she thought my entire body needed access to her insides. I sucked down on her hard when she grabbed my hair and there was nothing stifled about her groans anymore. Bella was actually loud and it shocked me. She held me firmly in place, warning me with her hands not to stop and I wouldn't have dared to do such a thing anyway. When I felt her body tense in my hands and I felt her clit twitch in my mouth, I knew she was there. In the very last moment I reached up and took her nipples between my thumb and index and squeezed the same time she went over the edge and screamed out in her second and much more intense orgasm. Her hips buckled and she tightened her thighs around my face. It took her a while, but she eventually fell back onto the covers, completely satiated, drenched in perspiration and positively spent.

I crawled up to her side and took her in my arms with her back against my chest. She panted and sighed and dropped her head against the bed in languid reticence.

"Now that's the way to have a fucking orgasm," I said with a smile.

"Consider yourself redeemed," she panted and closed her eyes.

She turned her body toward me after a while when she was able to pull herself together and crouched into my arms, with her face against my chest. It was only then that I realized I was trembling slightly and when she felt it too, she turned her face up to mine and frowned in concern.

"Are you ok?" She asked and I tried my best to convince her that I was.

"Yes," I answered and kissed her forehead, but I felt a strange wounding impression inside of my chest. I swallowed and turned my face up to the ceiling as the overwhelming feeling claimed me entirely.

"Edward?" She said and propped herself up on her elbow. "What's wrong? You're…shaking."

"Nothing. I'm ok," I smiled at her and stroked the hair away from her face.

"Edward, tell me," she said with a frown.

"It's stupid," I chuckled, feeling deservingly embarrassed.

"Whatever it is, it's not stupid."

I sighed and closed my eyes.

"I can't help but think that….fuck."

"What…"

"As much as I enjoyed every thing I just did to you and believe me Bella, I've been wanting to touch you and make you sound like that for a long fucking time. But at the same time, it's like….I have this ongoing fight inside of me. I hate being…," my voice trailed off and she held my face with her hand and turned me toward her. I opened my eyes and stared torturously into her confused gaze.

"What do you hate?"

"I hate being the one to take your innocence away from you and at the same time, I don't want anyone else to do it either. I'll kill anyone who gets near to you like that. I don't fucking care. You're mine."

"You didn't take anything away from me Edward. You just gave me something so powerful that I'd never experienced before. Do you think I'm any less beautiful now that you've touched me?"

"No!" I gasped and pushed my body up onto my elbows so that our faces almost touched. "Are you kidding me? You'll never be any less beautiful than you are to me today. I love you."

"Then what are you talking about?"

"I told you it was stupid. I'm sorry."

"It's not stupid if they're your feelings, but I do think you're paranoid about things you shouldn't be paranoid about. There are a lot worse things than having my boyfriend who loves me give me the best orgasms known to mankind."

I had to chuckle then.

"And how do you know what the rest of mankind's orgasms feel like?"

"I don't care. Once you're giving them, they have to be the best."

And just like that she took my shitty mood that came out of no _fucking_ where and zapped it away.

"So you liked it?" I asked her with a teasing smirk.

She smiled back and dropped her weight back onto the pillows. I turned into her then and hovered over her. Her naked body was an immaculate sight. I traced the outline of her breasts with my fingers and gazed at her still slightly flushed face.

"Like it? I can't live without it. I'm never going back. I'm lying here trying to think of all the ways to get you to do that to me over and over again."

I laughed and pulled her against me like before with her back against my chest and just for comfort, I kept my hand nicely cupped over one of her breasts.

"I still can't get over how sensitive your body is. Do you have any idea how sexy that was? I've never seen anything like it in all my….seventeen years."

"Yes, oh wise one," she giggled.

She pressed her back into me and sighed in contentment.

"So will you?" She asked after a few moments passed.

"Will I what?"

"Will you do it to me over and over again?"

"As long as we keep sex at bay Bella, I'll do whatever you want."

"It's a deal."


	37. Chapter 37 Return to Innocence

**Chapter 37**

**Return to Innocence**

Day 6 - Saturday

Flushed face  
Hives (Itchy)  
Fatigue

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Unless she was severely allergic to _me,_ which I seriously doubted, Bella was in danger. I held on to her as she slept next to me after she came down from her sexual high and watched her sleep. I liked watching her sleep. It was peaceful to see and I knew that it was probably the only time she didn't think about Charlie. It bothered me that she was tired again, even after having two orgasms. I knew what an orgasm could do to a person and sometimes, afterward, there was nothing better for me than a few hours of sleep, but Bella had gotten up that morning after nearly seventeen hours of it and the fact that she wanted to sleep again had my sirens tripping off in my head.

"Will you yell at me if I said that I just wanted to lie here in your arms and nap for a while?" She asked.

I felt really fucking stupid for losing my cool with her earlier that morning especially after she asked so nicely. She shouldn't have had to ask permission to sleep and how the fuck was I supposed to argue with that?

"Sleep," I said against her hair and kissed the top of her head. I pulled the blankets over her petite and gorgeous curves and turned her in toward me, and in no time at all she was out. I held her under the covers and stroked her bare skin and even though I still had all my clothes on, there was something naively intimate about her naked body pressed to mine. She felt soft and supple and her skin was warm. As my hands travelled all over her sleeping, crouched body under the covers, something startled me and made me stop. On the small of her back there was a patch of skin that was slightly raised and rough with little heats. It was the first time I had realized it was there because when we were together earlier on she had been on her back the entire time.

I pulled away from her slightly and looked down at her face in confusion. She was still asleep, so I pulled the covers away from her as gently as I could and pulled her body against me again so that I could get a clear view of her back. It was hard to see because the room was dark, but when I touched the spot again I felt it. My heart rate quickened immediately and I pushed myself up on my right elbow and looked down at her silently.

_What the fuck is that?_ I thought.

So as not to awaken her, I gently pulled my right arm out from under her head and rolled her over onto her stomach. I pulled away the rest of the covers from around her and bent over to see her back clearly and that's when I saw it. It looked like hives. It was red and it certainly looked itchy.

In my fright, I started to examine every inch of her after that to see if there was anything else on her that shouldn't be there. I scanned her back, her arms, the back of her legs and then I raised her hair off her neck to scour that area too. On finding nothing, I rolled her onto her back again very carefully and proceeded to scan the front of her, but the only area of concern I could find was on her lower back. She curled back onto her side and balled herself into the fetal position then. I stared at her despondently for a few long seconds and shook my head, scared like fuck that she was sick and that this was yet another thing that I wasn't supposed to know about. With her on her side, I was able to see the area again and from where I sat, even in the dark of the room, the redness was clear.

I exasperatedly pulled the covers back over her and repositioned myself next to her again until we were laying the same way we were before my discovery and now that I was really looking for any signs of peculiarities in her appearance, I realized that her face was flushed as well. That wasn't natural. She had been sleeping for almost twenty minutes already and even though she had gotten flushed in her excitement earlier on, her complexion should have returned to normal by then.

It was impossible to relax after that. I held her, but I was in no way as relaxed as I was before. I turned my head to the side to see the time on my nightstand. It was almost 6pm, but I figured that I didn't need to take the painkillers because the Morphine was still working on me. I was a little drowsy and would have eventually fallen asleep next to her, but whatever it was I found on her skin spiked a rush of adrenaline through me and I couldn't wind myself back down. I touched the spot on her back again and rubbed it from side to side as if I thought that enough rubbing would erase it from her skin. After a while of doing that, she shifted in my arms and I had to stop. I wondered if she knew she had the hives on her back and didn't say anything about it, but then I threw that suspicion out because she was comfortable enough to lay next to me naked. If she knew about it she would have put her clothes back on first.

When she opened her eyes a short while later, a rush of relief swept over me and I sighed heavily.

"How long was I asleep?" She asked with a small frown.

"Not very long," I answered her with focused eyes. "But you slept deeply."

She fell back onto the pillow behind her and on realizing that she was still butt naked she gasped and drew the covers over herself all the way up to her chin. I nearly laughed.

"Too late sugar," I teased her. "I've already seen all there is to see." I tugged at the sheets and pulled them away again. "And I could gaze at you like this forever."

She crinkled her nose and stuck her tongue out at me, though she still crossed her legs and tried to cover her breasts with her arms.

"That's some strong stuff," she said with one side of her mouth curved into a smile.

"What are you talking about?"

"The Morphine," she said. "You're still ok."

"Yup," I nodded and ran a finger down her stomach. I spread my palm across the flat plane and sighed, wanting to ask her about what I found on her skin. I expected her to try to avoid it or to make up some crappy excuse and I had to dig really deep for the strength to _not_ argue if she started that evasive shit with me again.

"Something's bothering you," she said softly and placed her hand over mine on her stomach.

I slid my hand out from underneath hers and ran my fingers through my hair.

"What's on your back?" I asked and shifted my eyes to hers. She frowned in genuine confusion and I was relieved again. She didn't seem to know about it so that meant that she didn't hide it from me.

"My back?" She responded and sat up with a perplexed expression on her face. She pulled the cover over her chest as she got up and held it to her. She passed the back of one of hands over the small of her back then and when she did, I saw the familiar veil of secrecy fall over her eyes. She fell back down onto the bed and swallowed.

"I don't know what it is. I didn't even know it was there."

"Let me see it," I said in a soft voice.

"You've obviously seen it already," she said and tensed as I bent over her.

"So I want to see again," I said and bent over to kiss the tip of her nose.

"Edward," she complained. "It's probably nothing. Please don't make a big deal about it."

A tightening force closed in on me and I felt my mood alter instantaneously. I bit down on the inside of my mouth and fought the urge to retaliate. I hated it when she pushed me away like that.

"I'm not trying to make a big deal about it. I just want to see."

She stared at me anxiously for a few seconds and took in a deep breath before sitting up to allow me to look at her back. As she sat up, the covers fell away from her chest again and the sight of her breasts as they bounced with her movement clouded my focus. It didn't help either that her hair had spilled over her shoulders and onto her chest, covering her nipples as it flowed all the way down to her waist, giving her the look of a mythical goddess. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing instead of being distracted by her physical appeal, but who the fuck could ignore a gorgeous, naked virgin in their bed. I'd have been deranged if I didn't find her mind fucking sexy.

"You're trying to distract me aren't you?" I said as my eyes shifted all over her body.

"How am I distracting you Edward? I'm just sitting here."

"Exactly."

She raised an eyebrow at me and tilted her head to the side, then turned her body and swung her legs over the side of the bed to give me a clear view of her back.

I shuffled over to her on my knees and inspected her hives again. I had to move her hair out of the way and when I stroked the strands away from her back, she rolled her back bones and twisted her spine slightly in response to my touch. I let out a short breath and looked up at the back of her head as I deposited all of her hair over her right shoulder to the front. I ran my hands down her arms and the next thing I knew I was drifting toward her until my nose was pressed against the skin of her neck on the side free of her hair. I inhaled her as I grazed the tip of my nose up the length of her neck and because I needed to find something for my idle hands to do, I reached around her to her front and held her breasts in my hands. She crooned and rolled her head back onto my shoulder and when she did that I let go of one of her breasts and moved my hand to the spot on her back and touched the raised spot.

"Right here," I said. "What is it?"

She stiffened her back when I touched it and put her own hand on the spot where she rubbed at it feverishly.

"Is it itchy?"

"Um, no."

"What's causing it?"

"I don't know."

"I want Carlisle to look at it."

"No," she said and whipped her face around to mine. "Absolutely not. No Carlisle."

"But he can help."

"Forget it. I'll be ok. I thought you said you wouldn't make a big deal about it. It's nothing."

"You have hives Bella. That's not nothing. Is there a reason why you don't want to see Carlisle? Does it have something to do with the fact that it might be some kind of reaction form Charlie?"

She tried to jump off the bed but I grabbed her by her elbows and pulled her back against my chest.

"Please don't get exasperated with me."

"It's probably just an allergy Edward."

"But to what?"

"I don't know," she shrugged. I passed my hands under her arms and took her breasts in my hands again. "Maybe it was something I ate."

"What did you eat today?"

"Can I put my clothes back on now?"

"No," I said and pressed my face to the side of hers. She tried to ignore my hands on her breasts but when I pinched on her nipples she groaned a little and dropped her head back onto my shoulder again. I pressed my lips against her bared neck and found the fading spot that I had marked before with my mouth. With every pinch of her nipples, she arched her back and bent her head further away from me. I swore that she smelled more like sex with very passing second and as she arched her back and pushed her breasts more firmly into my hands, I felt my groin go hard again. The poor fucker had been excited and teased all day long with out so much as a friendly stroke to aid his tension, but that day wasn't about me, it was about her and that's how I wanted it.

She crooned out my name and it sounded so good that I decided to give her more. I ran the fingers of my right hand down her stomach and slipped them in between her thighs. She pushed her knees apart and bit down on her bottom lip with a little jerk. I played with her again made her moan and grind her ass down on the bed and just as I was about to insert one of my fingers into her she turned around and grabbed at my face with both hands and attacked me with a fraught kiss. Before I knew it we were tumbling back onto the bed with my hands all over her, groping and squeezing like a mad man in heat. I thrust my hardened groin between her parted legs and she got so excited that she grabbed at my jeans button and started to undo it. I squeezed my eyes tightly and sucked on her tongue and when I felt her hand inside of my pants I grunted into her mouth and pushed myself into her hand. Everything was clouded and spinning and so fucking hot, and I broke out into a rampant sweat very quickly.

"Bella wait," I whispered raggedly into her mouth. She tried to shut me up with her thrusting tongue and I don't know where in the world I found the strength; though some may say that I was a fool to deny a girl that beautiful, that sexy, that ready and that naked underneath me, but I managed to stop her assault on my dying control.

"Bella," I repeated again.

"What," she grumbled.

"Remember our deal. We have to stop."

"I remember it. We're not having sex."

"But if you don't stop now, we will be," I answered, though I couldn't stop kissing her like a drunken idiot.

"You promise?" She smiled against my mouth and grabbed two stiff handfuls of my hair.

"_Bella_."

She let go of my hair then and dropped her arms to her sides dramatically. I sighed and jumped off of her as quickly as possible and took a few deep breaths with eyes shut tight.

"You are such a party pooper," she complained.

"And you're a horny little devil," I answered.

"I'm not the one that started touching mister."

"You're right and since I was the one to start it, rightfully, I should be the one to stop it."

"Kill joy."

I grinned, scooped up the covers and threw them over her.

"Don't try distracting me again."

"I guess I'll put my clothes on then."

She pouted like a teasing little vixen and I had to shove her toward the opposite end of the bed to get her out of my reach.

"Yes please, before I do something I'll regret."

"I'll never let you regret taking my virginity. It's yours, whether you want it today or tomorrow."

"I know it's mine. It better be mine and that's why I have to take special care of it."

"Whatever Edward," she chuckled and jumped off the bed in search of her various strewn garments.

She was fully dressed in a minute or so and when she was done she went over to the couch to sit. I followed her over and sat next to her with my hand against her back. She shuffled away from me slightly and bounced her shoulders.

"So, want to watch a movie?" She asked. "I've never seen anything on that great big screen in your theatre."

"You're so clever at trying to avoid the things that are important," I smiled teasingly at her, hoping that it went across as humor, when really all I wanted to do was grab her by her shoulders and shake her until she opened up and admitted everything to me.

She folded her arms and her legs at the same time.

"Today I ate crackers with tuna, cream cheese and a milk shake. I'm not allergic to any of those."

"Maybe the milk shake was bad?"

"Possibly, I threw it away."

"It tasted badly?"

"Edward," she complained and widened her eyes at me. "You're always interrogating me lately. Quit it, please. I'm _fine_."

"You have hives on your back Bella," I retorted. "Don't you think you should have it checked out?"

"No," she shrugged. "I've had hives before. All I need is some cream for it which I'll get at the pharmacy."

"And where's the pharmacy?"

She narrowed her eyes at me and pursed her lips defiantly.

"You still don't know anywhere in Forks do you?" I asked.

"Bite me," she said.

"Ok," I cocked an eyebrow and dove on top of her without warning. She screamed out and giggled like a four year old in her struggle to fight me off. I grabbed her by her wrists and pinned her hands over her head then buried my face into her neck and started nibbling on her like a frisky chipmunk. She squealed and kicked her legs and writhed in desperation, begging me to let her go.

I laughed into her neck and squeezed her wrists tighter. "You're so fucking ticklish!"

"Stop it!" She screamed. "Stop! Stop! Stop!"

"But you _told_ me to bite you," I laughed and bit her again.

"_Ed-ward!_"

"Say _Sir_ Edward," I grinned as I twisted myself all over her in an attempt to pin down her writhing little body.

"Sir Edward!" She screamed.

"Again."

"Sir Edward! Sir Edward! Sir _Ed-ward_!"

I let her go and pushed myself off and in her fit of laughter she rolled off the couch and fell onto the floor. Thank goodness for the thick carpeting.

"You'll pay for that," she threatened through her laughing pants. "I'll make sure you do."

It was so fucking good to see her laughing like that and even better was that I got to be one to make it happen. I studied her red face and a shadow fell over mine. Even though my tickling could have been a contributing factor, her face was flushed even before it.

"Let's go," I said and shot up to my feet.

"Where are we going?" She asked.

"To get you some cream for your back."

"_Now?_" All smiles evaporated then.

"Yup, and tomorrow," I continued, on my way into my bathroom. "I'm giving you a tour of Forks. I can't have my girl not knowing where anything is in the town she lives in."

"I find my way around just fine," she said glumly. "You don't need to do that."

"I want to," I called out to her from in the bathroom. "Do you need to freshen up?"

She appeared in the doorway then.

"Why don't we look at a movie instead?" She said with a gloomy expression. "Then we can just get the cream tomorrow."

I turned to face her and crossed my arms. She was working real hard to try and ignore everything about her condition and all it did was make me more adamant about trying to get to the bottom of it and want to make her better.

"I don't like how it looks Bella. What's the big deal? It's just hive cream. It will make it go away."

I just knew there was more to it than she was telling me, of course there was. She didn't want to buy the bloody cream. I could see it in her eyes and I figured she didn't want to buy it because maybe she didn't really need it. If it was a side effect from Charlie then the hives would disappear as quickly as it came with no need for medicine.

Something didn't add up about that though. She had told me that physical damage didn't transfer, only the pain. Flushness, fatigue, hives, short breath and light headedness were all physical symptoms and if they _were _coming from Charlie it meant that her connection to him was spiraling out of control and mutating into something more complicated. Nothing preoccupied me more than getting to the bottom of it and that hazed, guilty look in her eyes every time I tried to talk about her health would have soon been the death of me.

She sighed when I refused to give in and threw her hands into the air. "Fine."

She ran her fingers through her hair, glanced at herself in the mirror then rolled her eyes at me.

"All freshened up," she grimaced. "Let's go."

"Is that all you need to do?" I asked as I made my way to my chest of drawers and swallowed two pills.

"Yes. Is the Morphine wearing off?" She asked as she pulled on her sweater.

"No, but I don't want to take any chances," I said and grabbed my sling off the floor in case I needed it while we were out.

We bumped into Emmett and Rosalie in the corridor, emerging from Emmett's room. Rosalie tried to ignore us but her eyes were less than capable of resisting the urge to take in every physical thing about Bella.

"Good job _Edward_," Emmett horsed around as we passed them in the corridor. "Worked like a charm didn't it?" I shot him a warning glare and continued on my way.

"Please don't start," Rosalie grunted. They followed us to the stairs.

"Come on Edward," Emmett laughed. "Since when are you shy to dish? Tell me how it worked!"

"Back off Emmett," I warned him again, quickening my pace down the stairs with Bella's hand in mine.

"Bellalita," he laughed as he switched his target. One glance at Bella's face confirmed that she was confused about what Emmett was jeering about. Her naivety was a blessing sometimes, but then Emmett had to go and be all explicit and shit. "His arm's still out of the sling, so it had to have been fucking strong. Was it good Bellalita?"

I knew he was only teasing and purposely trying to be a pain in the ass, but I was rarely ever in the mood to tolerate it. I turned on him when we got to the second floor stared point blank into his eyes.

"Fuck- off," I bit out. "I mean it Emmett. Don't be a jack ass."

"Dude, take a chill pill," he said with that invincible smirk of his. "I only asked 'cause Bellalita here looks thoroughly flushed and unkempt and satisfied."

I heard a small gasp come out of Bella's mouth then and I squeezed her hand.

"She always looks unkempt," Rosalie sneered at me and brushed past us hastily. "Excuse me while I go barf."

"Babe," Emmett chuckled after her. "Don't be mad. Come on!"

I swore that Emmett enjoyed egging me on and he even liked seeing Rosalie's reaction to it. It was like a game to him.

"Sorry about that," I turned to Bella. She smiled and shrugged.

"I'm actually quite used to Emmett by now," she said. "It's a wonder you're not. You _live _with him."

"And what about the other one?" I asked in reference to Rosalie.

"That one," she sighed. "Will take a little more getting used to. I was kinda hoping that she'd warm up to me by now."

"All the time in eternity won't be enough to thaw that bitch," I said as we starting making our way down the last flight of stairs. "Just ignore her."

----------------------

She let me drive to the pharmacy, one, because my arm was still pretty ok and two, because she didn't know where it was. I didn't want to think about what Alice would do to me if she ever found out I was driving the Porsche, but at the same time, the idea of Bella behind the wheel was a scarier concept. With her luck, a deer would have chosen the exact moment she would be driving by to jump right out in front of the car and then we'd have crashed and Bella would have once again had a perfect excuse for her driving mishap. It would never have been her fault; that fucking deer.

We pulled up at Chinook Pharmacy & Variety store at 7pm and believe it or not, the flush on her face was getting worse. I got out and made my way around to open her door for her.

"Can we get something for that too," I asked, gesturing to her face with my thumb.

"I was born with this face. Medicine won't help, so no," she said sourly. I knew she was pissed that I made her go to the pharmacy to address the hives.

"Cute, but I was referring to the _color _of your face, not the arrangement of it."

"There's nothing wrong with the color of my face."

"You're as red as a cherry."

"Well maybe if I wasn't embarrassed by this I wouldn't be so red."

"What the hell are you embarrassed about?"

I held the door open for her.

"Well let's see," she said flippantly. "I'm walking into a pharmacy with my boyfriend so that we can buy a cream for a rash I have on my back."

"Don't be silly," I said and threw my arm over her shoulders. "There's absolutely nothing embarrassing about that."

"Then _you_ ask for it and say it's for you."

I almost laughed at her. She was flipping off the handle for nothing. Girls always took the strangest kind of shit seriously and were so easily embarrassed. We walked up to the counter and talked to the pharmacist.

"What can I get for hives?" I asked the lanky man in a white lab coat.

"What kind of hives?"

"The red kind."

"Ok wise ass," the guy raised his eyebrows and I almost blanched at his callousness. "How long have you had them and where?"

"Just today day and it's on my back."

"Antihistamine," he said and started writing on paper. "Lacitrex or Histarex – Aisle 3. If you don't want an antihistamine, try ProEcza. Also aisle 3." Then he tore off the page with the three names and handed it to me.

She followed me into the aisle and I located all three products easily.

"Found them. Let's go."

"Wait," she said, frowning up at me. "Why are you taking all three?"

"Because I want to research them before I chose which one you're going to use."

"Research them?"

"Or I can just ask Carlisle, but something tells me you're going to object to that too."

She bit down on her bottom lip and stepped to the side to let me pass. If I had told Carlisle that _I_ had the hives, he'd want to see it, so that wouldn't work and Bella wouldn't want him to examine her, especially if she had something to hide.

"So why don't you just ask the pharmacist about them?" She asked.

"Well he's not exactly the friendliest pharmacist you've ever met is he? I can find out on my own. He pisses me off."

"Let me have them," she said and held her hands out to me.

"You want to hold them?"

"No, I'm going to buy them. You've gotten your way and now I'm going to get mine."

_What?_ She didn't want me buying them for her?

"Please don't tell me you're one of those girls who gets embarrassed when the rich boyfriend tries to buy her stuff. Don't be ridiculous babe."

"I can buy it."

"I know you can," I chuckled. "But it's not a big deal. Just relax."

She snatched the three boxes out of my hands and dropped her voice to a heavy whisper.

"The first thing my boyfriend buys for me is _not_ going to be rash cream. It has nothing to do with money."

"Oh."

"You should understand," she continued. "You're big on first times, remember?"

"That's a low blow," I smiled, amused by her sassiness.

"I'm buying them," she said and walked off toward the cashier.

"Ok little Ms. Firecracker," I grinned in amused surrender.

"And stop smiling at me like that," she said over her shoulder.

She paid for the meds and then we left. I remembered then that she hadn't eaten the entire time we were at my house either and if Bella wasn't told to eat, she wouldn't and then she'd faint or some shit and then blame it on not eating.

"You have three choices for dinner," I said next. "We can eat out, go back to my house or to your house."

"Ugh," she groaned and stomped her foot on the floor out by the car. "You're really being a pain in the ass now. My house."

"Great. I can research those meds on your pc while you cook for me," I winked at her and opened her door.

"How cozy," she said sarcastically.

When we got to her house, Jasper's car was in the driveway.

"Look honey," I teased. "I even have a ride home."

"Why do I get the feeling that you're laughing at me?" She grumbled. "You're enjoying yourself way too much."

I was. She was so cute when she was like that. I just knew she was stewing over the fact that I had discovered her hives before she did. I beat her to it so she didn't get to hide it or cover it up; and to top it all off, I made her buy meds and shit.

"Cheer up baby," I grinned and jumped out of the car quickly before Alice discovered me in the driver's seat, though from experience, she already knew.

I opened her door for her and held her hand as we walked up the pathway.

Just before we got to the front door, I squeezed Bella's hand and stopped her.

"Wait for it….._wait for it_…," and then Alice opened the door. "Hi Alice."

"What the hell are you doing driving my car?!" She was right on target, as per usual.

"It's also my car," Bella replied calmly. "And I was tired so I asked him to drive."

Alice's best bet at a rebuttal would have been my injury and I saw her observe my arm, not in its sling. She raised her eyes to mine suspiciously and clicked her tongue before storming back into the house.

"_Yeouch_," I raised my eyebrows at Bella.

Jasper and Alice were in the kitchen already, eating ravioli straight out of the cans. He raised a hand at me and I slapped him on his back in a quick hello.

"Where's your sling?" He asked.

"In Bella's car," I answered, looking over at Alice for her reaction to my indication of Bella's ownership of the Porsche, though secretly I knew that neither one of them were. Alice was right when she called me an asshole because I was.

"I'm heavy on the painkillers right now," I answered Jasper. "Can I get a ride with you when you leave?"

He nodded.

"Great," I said. "Remind me to get the sling out of _Bella's_ car when we leave."

Alice flipped me off with her finger and I grinned in contentment.

"Any requests," Bella asked me about dinner.

"I'm rather fond of _cheese_ lately," I grinned teasingly. She frowned in wonderment, at a loss for any meaning behind my teasing and I had to shrug it off and run up the stairs. If she had any idea that I had likened her to cheese recently, she'd have had a fit.

Her bedroom was neat and it smelled like her, like sweet talc. Her desk was crowded with books and CDs and naturally I looked for the ones I had given her. When I didn't see them on her desk I looked over to her bed and I saw them on her night stand next to her disk man, separated from the rest. I settled down at the desk then and opened her laptop to begin my search.

Lacitrex and Histarex were antihistamines and among the long list of side effects was dry mouth, drowsiness, dizziness, headaches, nausea…hell fucking no; strike one and two. I didn't even bother to read the rest. That sounded way too much like my log and if I knew Bella, the next time she suffered one of those symptoms, she would blame it on the side effects from the hive cream and I'd have no choice but to believe her.

Next was ProEcza.

It wasn't an antihistamine and I couldn't find any side effects near as scary as the first two. It was a lot less complicated and straight forward so ProEcza was my choice.

I emptied the contents of the first two into the sink in the upstairs bathroom and washed it down then discarded the bottles in the bin. I went back into her bedroom and placed my choice on her night stand and wrote a note to her on a page from one of her notebooks then placed the bottle on top of the note.

_'I chose this one. Love you.'_

I made my way downstairs again and she was waiting for me in the kitchen, biting glumly into a sandwich and chatting with Alice and Jasper. I caught her scratching at her lower back when I walked in and the moment I appeared she dropped her hand and pretended like she didn't know I had seen.

"I left your medication next to your bed," I said discreetly as I picked up my sandwich off the plate.

"Thanks," she said.

"I thought you said it didn't itch?" I asked softly so that the other two didn't hear. They were too busy ogling each other anyway.

"It didn't when you asked," she shrugged, still pissed at the whole situation. "But now it does…a little."

I rested my hand on it and rubbed back and forth gently, hoping that I could bring her some measure of relief. I wasn't amused anymore. I just felt miserable for her and I wished that she didn't always have something to deal with. I could see that it made her unhappy and that she was harboring on it deep inside. She had a way of introverting and getting all pensive and far off whenever something was on her mind. She also hated the fact that I knew about it. I was getting better at reading her.

We ate the rest of our dinner in silence and she let me rub her back and fuss over the spot a bit whenever I wanted to. Alice and Jasper had gone off into the sitting room and when it was time to leave, Bella walked me to the door.

"I'm sorry if I pissed you off earlier," I said. "I wasn't laughing at you. I was just thinking how cute you are sometimes when you're mad at me….sometimes."

"I wasn't mad at you," she gave me a small smile and tip toed for a kiss. "You're sweet to care about me so much, but you needn't worry all the goddamned time."

"I can't help it. You're a worrywart yourself. You ought to understand."

"I do," she raised her eyebrows. "That's why I don't want you to worry so much. It will drive you crazy like it did me."

"You already drive me crazy without the worry factor. I never knew all that sass and stubbornness could come out of such a little thing."

"I think I agree with our pharmacist. You _are_ a wise ass. Let me get you your sling," she smiled then ran down the drive way and got the sling out the Porsche. When she got back to me I sighed and pulled her in for a hug with my both arms and held her tightly for a long while, knowing that I wouldn't be able to hold her like that the next time I saw her because my arm would be back in the sling.

"I'm so fucking pissed at myself for smashing my shoulder. I miss holding you like this."

"It won't be much longer," she said. "Just a week right?"

"I think," I answered her. "But that's long enough."

She tip toed and kissed me and we never felt awkward in front of Jasper and Alice because the two of them pretty much got to second and third base right there against his car.

"I had a great time today," she giggled and winked at me. I squeezed her tighter and kissed the top of her head.

"I'll call you before I go to sleep. Tell me the instant that thing on your back goes away."

"Ok."

"Dude," Jasper signaled to me. "Let's go. Later Bella."

"Night Jazz," she waved at him.

On the way home I thought about everything that had happened that day, trying to remember everything I had to record in Day 6. Jasper chatted relentlessly and for the most part I was able to reciprocate, but I worried about Bella and about if everything that was happening was because of Charlie and if she kept it from me because she knew it was dangerous and was afraid to scare me. My mind wandered and tripped over all kinds of traumatic possibilities. She needed help. I had to get her help. It was bugging the shit out of me. I had almost lost it on her that morning and I knew that if I continued like that, I wouldn't be able to calm the fuck down the next time I tripped out.

She refused to talk about it. She insisted on ignoring it, but her health wasn't something I was about to treat so haphazardly. I was fast approaching the point where I didn't care anymore about intruding or upsetting her by my inquisition, not if I could get her help in the process. I weighed the significance of the two outcomes in my head.

The first was her short term happiness on the account of me butting out and the second was her long term well being on the account of me pushing myself right in the middle of it, uncovering the truth and doing something about it.

Her short term happiness meant danger in the long run because the more time passed, the more affected and grieved she was by Charlie. I just knew he was the cause for it. The tortured look in her eyes was too vivid for it to be to be anything else, and even though her long term well being meant trouble for me, I had to take that chance_._

It was strange to feel myself react that way to a person but she made it easy for me to love her. She had changed something in me, or maybe she had put me back in touch with a part of myself that wasn't lost after all; the innocent part of me that should have died with Marcus and my mother. Whatever it was, it invigorated me and I wanted more of it and more of her and the only way to ensure more of her was to make sure that she was ok and healthy. She was my return to innocence. She took me to a place inside that made me want to do selfless things for the sake of her safety and happiness. Without a doubt, I knew that she would resist my getting directly involved in the situation between her and Charlie. All she wanted from me was an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on; but not even to spare myself from her wrath could I ignore the danger she was putting herself in. From that night on, there was nothing more important than making sure she was healed of that destructive tie to her father – no matter what it took.


	38. Chapter 38 White Stallion

Happy reading guys :) Here's 38. It a long one.

**Chapter 38**

**White Stallion**

I fingered the container of hive cream in irritation on my bed on Sunday morning, thinking about all the reasons for said irritation. First there was Charlie's never ending and uncanny presence in my head. It was like he tacked himself to the back of my mind with his mocking gap which sent a host of annoying little nuisances for symptoms to me all week long and after a week of unexplained irritations, I decided that I much preferred the intense and painful one shot incidents from him rather than the string line of annoying effects that never seemed to relent. I was confused, and not being able to get a hold of him to question him about it upset me even more. The next thing that irritated me was the unpredictability of the transferred symptoms and how increasingly difficult it was to hide them from Edward. The hives were scary. I didn't even know that I had them until Edward mentioned it, or else I'd have made damned sure that he didn't see it; and true to form, he fussed all over me until he had his way and made me buy three bottles of medicine that I never needed. I absolutely abhorred lying to him and it made me feel like a hypocrite because it went against my very nature, but at the same time, I was backed into a dark corner with no other livable alternative. I either had to face the discomfort of coping with Edward's suspicions or face his consequential contempt for my father. The latter alternative seemed a hell of a lot less attractive than the first.

Then there was '_the thing'_ that I tried to ignore all week long, the truth that tried to get my attention and which I was not ready to deal with. My empathic synergy with Charlie had always been only an impression of his pain; however, over that past week our connection seemed to have evolved to a level where I felt a lot more of him than was normal. Physical manifestations of his self destruction started to reach me and that was not supposed to happen, namely the hives and the flushed skin. Even though I knew I could eventually get used to our new level and learn to embrace it like I had everything else that came to me through our connection, I knew it also meant more complications on my side with people like Edward and Esme. If they knew the extent and speed with which it developed they would have panicked about the obvious, the thing they always worried about no matter how hard I tried to quell their concerns; they would have worried about its fatality and if Charlie's death could pass to me.

-------------------------------------------

As I lay on my bed with the hive cream in my hand, I wondered if the stupid rash was still on my back. Regardless, I knew there was no need for the medicine because the hives were Charlie's and no amount of cream would have made it go away. Just like always, a symptom of Charlie's would disappear on its own, and when it was ready to. Still, I had to let Edward make me buy the medicine because _not _buying it would have confirmed his suspicions about Charlie and I knew that his insistence was his way of testing me, to see if I would buckle under the pressure, confess and prove him right.

I turned onto my side and put the cream back on my nightstand then slipped my hand under my t-shirt and touched the small of my back. Voila, the hives had disappeared. The swelling was gone. The itchiness had gone and there was no roughness or heats. My heart skipped elatedly and I sighed in relief as I jumped off the bed and headed to the bathroom. Alice was in the bathroom already so I ambled back into my bedroom to wait. The goddamned cream sat on my nightstand and stared back at me mockingly, so I grabbed it and tossed it under my bed so that I didn't have to look at it anymore. I should have thrown it away but for the time being just getting it out of my eyesight was good enough.

A few seconds later, a sweet, skipping sensation of Edward filled me and my cell phone started to buzz on my nightstand. When I answered and heard his voice my heart did a somersault in my chest which was attributed both to my excitement as well as the apprehension I felt lately from hiding things from him. He still didn't know that I had gone to Dr. Jacob Black with Esme the day before and I knew I had to tell him soon. The fight we had that same morning made it easy to avoid the topic completely. I was so incensed that he had hung up on me that the focus of the fight had quickly changed to his behavior instead of what it had started about, and I can't say that deep down I wasn't glad for the deviation. I expected the situation to explode in my face eventually and already it was getting out of control and harder to hide, but I held on to every minute of reprieve I could salvage. I had convinced myself that I was doing it for the good of them both and that no matter what, they came first.

In my anxiety to avoid the conversation about my whereabouts that morning, I threw him off with my request to fulfill his promise to me. Of course I genuinely wanted it and to me there was no better day than then, but it was also a means to my end; to change his course of direction with me and lead him away from any intention of interrogation. I wouldn't have been able to lie to him directly about where I had been if he had asked. I would have told him the truth and the hornet's nest would have been opened. By then I had a mental picture of his face in my head about how he would react when he found out the truth. The picture was a distortion of the worst kind of disappointment and hurt and the more I saw it, the more afraid I got and the less inclined I was to throw myself under the wheels.

He played my body perfectly. The feelings he engendered in me with his touch and with his heat was every bit as overwhelming as I expected it would be. He broke me out of my perennial shell and I found myself baring myself to him in a way that I didn't think was possible for me. I'd always thought that I was better suited as an old maid whose calling was to take care of my father all my days; frowned upon by hot blooded men and locked away from the kind of passion and intensity that I had read about in books. But Edward blew that away and even though he had refused my virginity, I had made up my mind to wear him down over time. I loved him and he loved me and there was no reason why our love shouldn't have been allowed to blossom and evolve to the next natural step.

--------------------------------

"Hey," he said when I answered his call. His tone bore no resemblance to the cheekiness of the night before.

"Hey back. What's up?" I responded. That was supposed to be the day of my much dreaded tour of Forks and when I remembered it, I scowled, expecting that the call was a confirmation about the time he would come by to get me.

"Change of plans," he sighed and my eyes lit up.

"No tour today?" I smiled. I really didn't care to know about all the buildings and streets in Forks. As long as I knew the way between his house and mine, I would live.

"We can do that later if you want," he said. "I forgot that Carlisle had said he wanted to have a talk with me today. He just came to my room and said that you and Esme are coming over too?"

I frowned and turned to look at my door.

"Um, this is the first I'm hearing about it. Esme hasn't said anything to me."

"Well apparently it's set and I can guess what it's about," he continued. "Today's the day Bella. We have to tell them."

"Tell them?" My pores rose uncannily. I wondered why Esme didn't tell me about a meeting at the Cullen mansion.

"About us," he said in a soft, throaty voice. "I told you….I'm going to tell them about the way I feel about you and that I don't care what happens between them. They can't make us stay away from each other. There's no other fucking girl for me but you, so they might as well get fucking used to it."

"I hope you're not going to say it in those exact words."

"I ought to. See you when you come over," he answered. "I'm going to take a shower."

The prospect of making Esme and Carlisle clear about our feelings for each other and confirming to them that we were 'absolutely' sure about each other should have excited me a lot more than it did. Maybe it was the foul memory of that last conversation we had with Esme that spooked me, or maybe it was the _'now or_ _never'_ tone in Edward's voice that made it seem more like a hurdle to get over rather than a declaration of love, but whatever it was, I knew immediately that the day wouldn't be a pleasant one and I needed to brace myself for any and everything.

When Alice got out of the bathroom I went in and took a shower, paying vigorous attention to the spot on my back where the hives had been. I scrubbed at that spot as if scrubbing would clean away any lasting traces of it. On entering my room again, I found Esme sitting on my bed waiting for me as she fingered one of my CDs from Edward. I gave myself a mental pat on the back for having tossed the cream under the bed when I did. If she had seen it, she would have had a series of questions for me, none of which I would have answered and all of which would have plunged us into yet another fight. I already knew why she was there so I cut straight to the chase.

"What time are we going over?" I said to her and she gave me a small smile.

"He's quick," she quirked.

"You were slow."

"I only just confirmed with Carlisle this morning," she said and stood up. "Are you ok to leave in half an hour?"

"What is it about?"

"I think it's better if I explain everything over there. If I start going into it now we'll be here all morning."

I could tell that she was trying to be gentle with me so I cooperated.

"Sure," I shrugged with my towel wrapped around me. "I have one request though?"

"What is it?"

"I'm not talking about anything relating to Charlie or my visit with Dr. Black yesterday."

She shifted her eyes to the CD in her hand and rested it back onto the nightstand. I didn't like the discomfort on her face and I got defensive very quickly.

"Mom," I said with a step forward. "That's private. I won't talk about it. I hope you haven't said anything to…"

"We're not going to talk about that," she said and raised her pensive eyes to mine. "Eat something before we leave. I'll wait for you downstairs."

The same foreboding feeling that settled over me after my conversation with Edward worsened with Esme. I looked at her walk out of my room and close the door behind her, all the while feeling Charlie's gap reinforce itself in my head, getting stronger and less hazy than it had been all week. I had a very bad feeling and it sent chills up and down my spine. I just knew that that day would not be a good day.

-------------------------------------------

I forced myself to eat some jam and crackers with the help of a glass of milk and when I was done I joined Esme in her car out front. She made an excellent attempt at conversation, but her voice betrayed her anxiety like it always did and I didn't know how to fabricate a comfort zone with her. Thank goodness the drive to Edward's house wasn't very long because I was quickly running out of '_MmmHmms'_ and '_Oh's?',_ and tight lipped smiles for her. When we pulled up to the Cullen house, I saw Carlisle at the door waiting for us already. They tried their best to hold back their show of affection in front of me and I was thankful for it.

"Bella," Carlisle smiled at me warmly and rested a hand on my shoulder. Try all I might, I couldn't harbor any resentment for that man. He was way too charming and gentle to incite any kind of negative passion in me. I managed another tight lipped smile for him and walked in through the grand double doors as my apprehension heightened. The heavy and familiar smell of polished dark wood hit me and a sudden case of nostalgia for Edward grabbed at me. I darted my eyes everywhere in search of him.

"Let's go to the dining room," Carlisle said and led the way with a hand against Esme's back. I followed them.

"Where's Edward?" I asked him as we walked into the dining room, realizing only then that I didn't have to ask because he was there already, seated at the long table with the most handsomely agonized and concentrated expression on his face. The look of him startled me and I rushed over to his side and took the chair next to his. His eyes softened remotely when he saw me and it raised my pores again. He looked like he was angry and he was definitely withdrawn and though I questioned him silently with my eyes, he did nothing but hold his palm upward for me which I took without hesitation as I sat. He was wearing his sling again so I sat on his left side.

It was obvious that he and Carlisle were talking before we arrived and that it was responsible for his mood. Esme and Carlisle sat across the table from us and because of the gargantuan width of it, they seemed very far away, not that I was complaining about that. The only person I cared to be next to was Edward. I glanced at him beside me and he tightened his fingers around mine and bent his head to look at our clasped hands in his lap. I almost asked him why he was so quiet and what was the matter, but Carlisle's voice broke through the silence just then.

"Now that we're in here, I'm thinking that maybe the sitting room was a better idea," Carlisle said, acknowledging the vast space between us.

"Just get on with it," Edward said dryly and I looked up at him again. His face was so tense that I saw the pulse underneath his jaw vibrate. Even his hold on my hand was alien to me. It wasn't the soft, caressing embrace that I was used to. He only held me tightly without as much as a budge from his fingers.

Carlisle shot him a disparaging look and began.

"I'm sure you can guess what this is about. We wanted to talk to you about the nature of your relationship and how it relates to our families, given what you now know about Esme and me," he began. "Esme had a conversation with you two last weekend and since then, things have been…strained, between you and us and it's not something we're exactly comfortable with. You are our children and we realize that we put a lot of pressure on the both of you with our plans for marriage, and though we understand the shock and unpleasantness that it may have caused you, unfortunately, the implications remain the same and it's something we need to address immediately, and hopefully as a team."

Edward exhaled loudly and turned his face away from us all. Esme put her hand on top of Carlisle's on the table and squeezed and Carlisle shifted noisily in his chair. All I did was sit and stare and wait.

"It's obvious that nothing has changed since we've talked," Esme said next in her gentle but mockingly maternal voice. "Between the two of you… I mean, and it looks to us like you have chosen to pursue your relationship despite what you have learned about Carlisle and I."

She moved her eyes between Edward's and mine then raised her eyebrows questioningly.

"Is there anything you want to say?" She asked.

They were waiting for us to answer and to confirm that she was right, and I would have done that except that there was something boiling inside of me ever since I had found out about them and I needed to get it off my chest before it exploded.

"Yes actually. There is," I said. "_Boy_ that was fast."

Carlisle looked confused for a second or two, but Esme knew me too well to not get it spot on. She shook her head and sighed.

"Yes," she answered. "I guess you can say that."

"Oddly fast," I went on and I started to bounce my leg on its heel under the table. "It makes no sense to me, not if I know you at all."

They exchanged an uncomfortable glance with each other and Edward's hand still hadn't moved on mine. He was silent, pensive and frighteningly still.

"Well," Esme started as she straightened her back and swallowed, and I saw the first hints of nervousness creep into her eyes. "It wasn't _exactly,_ as fast as you think."

I frowned for a while and stared at her, trying to decipher the meaning behind her words, but then suddenly it hit me and a swell of heat rose into my head. The guilt and the apology in her eyes were vivid, more so than in Carlisle's and before she even had time to explain, I knew.

"You cheated on Charlie," I blanched, and from the corner of my eyes I saw Edward's head snap and whip toward me. His fingers tightened around my hand and I welcomed the silent support he offered. Esme straightened her back and the nervousness in her eyes was quickly replaced by defensiveness.

"Now you just wait a second," she said and let go of Carlisle's hand on the table top. "It's not quite that simple."

"It's either yes or no Esme."

"You're not being fair."

"I'll take that as a yes then."

"Bella, _your_ father…."

"Is sick…," I cut her off.

"_Excuse_ me?" She scraped her chair back and shot up to her feet in a fury. When she did that Edward tightened his fingers around mine again. "And that makes it ok?!" She shrieked. Carlisle rose to his feet urgently and held her by her shoulders in an attempt to calm her down.

"Sit down Esme," he said. "We knew we'd have to face this sooner or later. It's important that we maintain control."

Esme's eyes were cutting into me with blasts of accusation and hurt and I knew that she was aching again because I took Charlie's side blindly, but there was nothing I could have done about that then. Even though I felt guilty once again for being less than the perfect daughter to her, the rage in me impaired my sensitivity and all I had left in me was a mass of pent up frustration fanned by disappointment and shock. She sat down as Carlisle suggested, but she was far from calm. Her face was red and her breathing was erratic.

"Your father," she continued in a trembling voice. "Had an affair….."

"And apparently so did you."

"His was first."

"I can't believe you would play that card. Is this about who started it first? Are you in elementary school or something?" I sat up straight and shook my head. The anger that flared inside of me was almost too much to contain and if it weren't for Edward's hand on mine I might have hauled myself around the table just so I could scream at her at close range. "All this time, you made _him_ the bad guy. You made it look like he was the one that single handedly screwed everything up! Meanwhile, you were guilty of the very same thing? At least he didn't hide it. He never tried to deceive us."

"Oh he tried Bella," she seethed at me. "He got figured out early on, but that doesn't mean he didn't try to hide it. You put him on a pedestal and make him out to be this perfect victim when the truth is that…."

"Shut up," I interjected. "The reason he's on that pedestal has nothing to do with perfection or victimization and I think you know that. Don't belittle my connection to him because you don't understand it."

"Bella," Carlisle interjected, trying to be the voice of reason. "Let's not stray from the point here."

Esme started to cry then and Carlisle had to put his arm around her shoulders as a means of comfort, though it didn't work very well. My boy at my side was the pillar of silent strength, holding my hand steadily and paying keen attention to everything that was happening, just waiting for his cue to blow his top off.

"When your mother and I started seeing each other, things were already way past bad with your father. Our relationship had nothing to do with the end of their marriage. It was over already…for the most part and she needed support."

"That's why you made us move to Forks," I said to Esme, ignoring Carlisle's attempt at softening the blow. "We moved here so that you could be with Carlisle. You had this all planned a lot sooner than you let on, didn't you? It had nothing to do with this surprise dream job did it? That was just a façade!"

"Bella, you're not listening," Carlisle spoke up, managing to keep his calm.

"How long?" I demanded and turned my stare to him seeing that I was getting nothing from Esme but sobs and snorts.

"How long what Bella?"

"How long have you been seeing each other?"

"Seven months," he sighed.

I widened my eyes in horror. "Esme! Seven months?! Charlie's affair with Renee didn't start much sooner than that! You were doing the same thing! Why?! Why did he have to pay for everything?! Why do you get to walk away with a clean slate and with everything he loved like the avenged victim while he gets to be the one left behind with nothing?! Does he even know about this?"

Her sobbing turned to wailing and she threw her face into Carlisle's shoulder and heaved all over him. Edward started to apply a massaging pressure to my hand but by then my vision had gone so red that everything turned into a nuisance. It was too much too fast and I couldn't concentrate on anything else but trying to understand the truth. I pulled my hand out of his so that I could stand up and he didn't resist. He let me go.

"That's so unfair!" I screamed at her across the table.

"Bella!" Carlisle urged and shot Edward a pleading look. "Lower your voice and remain calm. We can talk about this civilly."

I almost said, _'Fuck civilities.'_

I was tired of being civil and politically correct all the goddamned time. I wanted to explode in honesty and just get everything off my tired shoulders.

"You moved here for this fantasy with Carlisle," I pointed accusingly at them both. "You took _everything _away from him and left him behind with nothingand no one, knowing how weak and how sick he is! You wanted him to suffer! You're just as guilty as he is! That's not just unfair, that's cruel!"

I saw Edward put his hand to his left temple then and bend over solemnly.

"Absolutely not Bella," Carlisle set Esme away from him gently and stood up. "I will not have you talk to your mother like that."

"I'm sorry Carlisle, but you don't get any say in that," I bit out nastily.

"Your mother's marriage failed because of them_ both_, you're right. But it is in no way unfair that she should have the opportunity to start over and put her life back together, regardless of what you think. It's not her fault your father can't do the same. He's an adult. He has the sameopportunities that she has to make a new life for himself. No one's stopping him. Hechose his path and any disadvantages he has wound up with were all due to decisions _he_ made for himself. No one did this to him. He is _more _than responsible for himself. You can't blame her for that."

I stared at him furiously with balled up fists at my side. Burning tears came scorching out of my eyelids and I didn't care. I hated it when people spoke about Charlie that way. No one reserved the right to judge him because no one else knew what it was like to walk in his shoes; least of all Carlisle who sat high and mighty on his glorified throne in Forks, revered and respected by the entire town. The rage inside of me was so white that I lost my control and any hope for level headedness. All the blood in my body rushed into my head then and I felt my veins across my temples and in my forehead swell with the pressure. I got an instant headache and with it came the strengthening force of Charlie's gap. It wasn't idling anymore. It pushed itself to the forefront and became a resounding and overwhelming force.

"Don't you _dare_ talk about him like that!" I screamed at Carlisle and slammed my fists down on the dining room table. Edward jumped to his feet then and pulled me harshly into his side. I saw Carlisle widen his eyes in shock. Edward tried to turn my face into his chest, but I fought him off and kept my eyes locked on Carlisle's. "You don't know him! You don't know anything about how he feels or what he goes through! You don't know how he suffers!_ I'm_ the only one who knows his pain!! All you know is what _she_ tells you and her point of view is warped!!!"

That's when Edward turned me harshly toward him and pinned his forehead to mine. I tried to push him off. I struggled from inside the hold of his left arm and screamed against him, not yet finished with everything I had to say, but he was shockingly strong and the more I struggled, the more he squeezed.

"_Let me gooo_!" I screamed at him. My face was as hot as my tears.

"Bella!!" Edward shrieked. "Calm down! You have to stop!"

I was shaking so violently, unable to remember a time when I was ever that livid and the sound of Esme's wailing stoked my anger even more.

"Let go of me Edward," I cried and forced my shaking body into mock submission so that he would release me. He moved his left hand to the back of my head so that he could hold my forehead firmly in place against his.

"Stay with me baby," he pleaded with me in an emotional voice. "It's ok. You're not alone. I'm right here."

The close proximity of his voice and his face helped to distract me momentarily and when he moved his hand to the side of my face and wiped at my tears with his left thumb, I took a deep breath and felt my boiling blood cool. He kissed my nose then and continued to rub at my cheek.

"That's better," he whispered. "We can do this, but you have to stay with me."

I nodded against him and realized that he was having some trouble wiping at my streaming tears because of how heavily they poured out of me.

"Can we sit?" He asked and I nodded again. He put me back into my chair and this time, instead of holding my hand in his lap, he put his arm around my shoulders and welded me to his side. When I looked over to the other side of the table, Carlisle was still standing, staring at us with his hands on his hips and a flabbergasted frown on his brow while Esme sobbed into her hands.

It took some long minutes of hostile silence but eventually Esme's sobs hushed and Carlisle took his seat again. With another long, deep breath he passed his hands through his blond hair, the same way Edward would, and shook his head.

"I have three more questions," I huffed and Esme raised her red, wet eyes to me.

"How did you meet?" I asked.

She swallowed and blinked a couple of times before she spoke up in a weak voice.

"When I came over for my job interview a year ago," she started. "I got the job right away even though they weren't ready to take me on yet because the building wasn't yet completed. The partners took me to lunch that day and Carlisle was there. He's on the board as you know."

"We didn't start seeing each other right away Bella," Carlisle came in. "It took a while."

"All those trips," I said. "When you kept leaving for business meetings all over the place. You came here?"

"Yes," she nodded with fresh tears flowing from her lids. "There was a lot that I had to organize for our move, so I kept coming back yes."

"And you saw him each time?"

"No."

"Are those your three questions?" Carlisle asked.

"Not yet," I flashed him an angry glare then returned my focus to Esme.

"So you had known for a while that you had this job waiting for you," I pieced it together. I had thought that the job was a last minute, spur of the moment thing, like a saving grace.

_How stupid of me,_ I thought.

I should have figured it out sooner. Esme was way too organized to operate on just a _possibility _or by guess and besides, everything was already set, ready and waiting for us by the time we arrived to Forks. The house was bought and furnished, complicated things were shipped over before hand, we were enrolled in school and the cars were already bought. The Porsche had arrived in our drive way just a few hours after we'd arrived.

"Yes," she said.

"And you guys pretended to not know each other?" Carlisle closed his eyes and rocked his head up to the ceiling.

"For your benefit," Esme nodded.

"_My_ benefit?"

"Your mother didn't want to upset you anymore than you already were," Carlisle said in her defense. "You would not have embraced the idea Bella. Especially with the way you missed your father."

"You gave her your number at the hospital," I said to him and he frowned in questioningly.

"When you came to my school to take me in the ambulance," I continued. "In the room afterward, you gave her your number and told her to call you in case of emergency. Was that staged? Because I'm thinking now that she would have had that already."

They exchanged an uncomfortable glance with each other.

"You certainly don't forget do you?" Carlisle answered.

"Of course I already had his number," Esme sighed in exhaustion. My headache grew worse and worse as the minutes ticked by and I almost had to squint to manage the stream of light that came into my eyes. Inwardly, I begged Charlie to give me some more time. I felt an attack coming, but I needed all my strength and focus right then to deal with what was happening in front of me. I pressed the fingers of my left hand to my forehead and squeezed, determined not to let him through yet.

"Here's my second question," I said for Carlisle's benefit.

They waited silently.

"You started off with a different kind of conversation in mind for today. If I didn't throw you off the way I did with what I asked, would you have told me?"

I saw Esme's face twist in all kinds of regret and pain, pleading with her eyes for my understanding, but behind it was that innate determination that never failed her. It didn't matter what situation she ended up in, Esme was strong and she always rose above it. Even then in the midst of her clouded despair I could see her defiance creeping past her wounds, unwilling to compromise her position.

"Eventually, yes," she said. "I would have told you before the wedding. I needed to build up the courage to face you."

"Does Alice know?"

She shifted her eyes away from me to hide her guilt then and looked down at her hands on the table. I understood then. Alice had known.

It didn't surprise me though it hurt a little bit. In their intent to 'protect' me, they usually kept things away from me, afraid of the way I would take it, or how I would react. I looked at Edward and thought about how I hid things from him too for the same reason, to protect him, and I knew that I had no right to be angry with Alice or Esme for that part, because I was doing the same thing to Edward.

"My third question," I said.

"You're not very good at Math," Carlisle quirked and I ignored it.

"Was the Porsche a bribe?" There was something uncanny about the Porsche and in light of the new information; I just had a bad feeling about it. "Is that why you bought it for us? It could have been any old car Esme. Why a Porsche? Where the hell did you find a Porsche in Forks to buy anyway and how did you afford it? I know Charlie didn't help with that."

Edward moved his arm from around me then and sat forward. His expression was grim and he stared directly at Carlisle. When I looked across the table again, I caught another awkward glance between Esme and Carlisle and my heart jerked in aversion.

"It was a gift to you and Alice," Esme said in her defiant voice. She raised her chin and looked at me square in the eye, trying her best to be persuasive.

"That's not what I asked…."

"A gift from me," Carlisle finished and I nearly choked. Edward let out a rough breath of air and when I glanced at him, his eyes were shut tight. I flashed my eyes back at Esme, then at Carlisle, then back at Esme in shock.

"You…bought it?" I stuttered with Carlisle. He nodded and frowned pensively at me. "But…"

"It doesn't matter," he cut me off. "I wanted to do something nice for you girls to make the adjustment to Forks easier."

"But…."

"Forget about it Bella. Please don't make it into a big deal. It's a car. That's all it is," Esme said, seeing the difficulty I was having with forming the right words. I couldn't talk anymore. The shock of the last bit had stunned me into silence. I expected something would be different about that car, but I hadn't expected that.

The four of us sat in silence for a long while after that, letting the uneasiness set in amongst us. Edward came back to me and put his arm around me again, being the only thing that kept me together. The touch of his fingers against my arm literally touched a place deep inside of me as I felt his love and concern for me vibrate off his skin. I closed my eyes to center myself as I felt Charlie's gap grow stronger and stronger and as it grew, so did my anxiety. This was going to happen right then and there in front of everybody….in front of Carlisle, and more than that, it meant that Charlie was in trouble and there was no guarantee that he could get help. The headache got so bad that I had to sit perfectly still in order to contain it without drawing any attention to myself. It even hurt to breathe.

I thought about the Porsche and about how I felt about what I had just learned about it, but the only feeling I could register was shock; too much to even be embarrassed by the truth.

"Now," Carlisle said eventually. "We should get to the real reason why we're all here."

His voice touched a nerve in my head and I winced slightly and hoped that no one noticed. I knew the time had come, the reason for the gap's presence in my head all week was finally there. It warned and nagged me everyday that something was coming and as the anxiety of the oncoming attack seized me, my heart started to race. I felt it vibrate in my chest like a gorged, loose canon.

"Have the two of you given any serious thought to the nature of your relationship as it pertains to the union of our families?" Carlisle asked. Edward took my hand again and squeezed but I couldn't open my eyes to give him any encouragement.

"Yes we have," he said. I knew I had to open my eyes or else they would realize that I was in pain, so I forced them open partially and kept them zoomed in on one spot on the wooden table, hoping that any visible distress on my face would be automatically linked to my foul mood.

"Bella and I want to be together and we've decided to do just that, no matter what," Edward said.

_That's my boy_, I thought. _You tell them, because I can't even open my mouth right now._

Esme sighed heavily in response to Edward's comment.

"You asked us to be absolutely sure about each other," Edward went on. "To be sure that without a doubt we are the ones for each other."

"And are you?" She asked.

"_Ab-so-lutely_," he said and if I wasn't concentrating so hard on trying not to explode through my head, I would have giggled. That was the word he used when he tried to tell me that he loved me too – '_absolutely_.'

"How are you so sure?" Esme challenged.

"I won't lie to you Esme," he said. "You almost got me to chicken the shit out when you put that ultimatum on us..."

"Watch your language," Carlisle interrupted.

"Sorry. I know you saw me doubt my feelings for Bella that day," he continued. "And I know you saw me look all stressed and freaked out about everything, and at the time I kind of was. I had difficulty with how fast everything was moving, but what I didn't realize at the time was that I was actually afraid of admitting something to myself. I wasn't really afraid of us, or her."

He squeezed my hand again.

"You're losing me," Esme said.

"What I'm trying to say is," he went on with a dropped tone. "I was stupid to doubt my feelings for her and I had to almost lose her to realize how badly I wanted her. That was the scariest fucking shit….sorry. It was unpleasant."

_God, how I wanted to laugh._

"She's the only person Dad, since…well, she's like…._fuck it_. I really fucking love her and she loves me too and we don't give a flying fuck about what you throw at us or how unpleasant shit gets. We're staying together and that's it. There."

There was something final about the way he said it, like nothing they could swing at us could change our decision. He was all manly and decisive and strong and absolute; and the sexiness of his devotion to me would have made me swoon if I wasn't currently trying to stifle Charlie's effect on me right then. I couldn't rejoice in his declaration of love to our parents because the air in the room was running out and I had to press my back up against the chair and straighten out my torso just to allow a proper breath of air to get in. It was too hard to breathe and I needed every muscle in my body to fight the strain, so I pulled my hand away from Edward's and raised my head. From the corner of my eye I saw him turn his face toward me, but for all the effort I put into appearing to look normal I was losing focus on him too.

"We can't force you not to be together," Esme said. "In any case, you'll be eighteen soon and then you'll do what you want to anyway, but I really hope that you're ready for the kind of scandal it will attract and for the strain it will put on the two of you. Your relationship will also be affected by the pressure. You can count on that."

"I said we don't care," Edward answered roughly with his eyes still focused on me. "Bring it on. Bella are you ok?"

I clutched my knees with my hands as my control started to whither. Everything went horribly wrong then. I broke out into a cold sweat though I felt a massive welt of heat run through me; the room started spinning uncontrollably and everything in my peripheral vision went black and started to encroach; I opened my mouth and sucked in a mouthful of air as I squeezed my knees; and Charlie's face slammed into frontal focus in a sick distortion of pain. I knew it was over and that the time had come. The images were too vivid to be ignored.

"Charlie," I gasped as my head fell forward onto the table.

"Fuck! _Bella?!_" Edward screamed as he scraped his chair back against the wooden floor and grabbed onto me. "_BELLA!!_"

--------------------------------

His screams faded into an echo as if I was being pulled backward into a dark tunnel further and further away from him, and then suddenly I was completely consumed by Charlie. I knew I was unconscious because I had lost all sense of touch, hearing, sight and smell but even though I was unaware of my immediate surroundings, I was completely aware of Charlie and about what was passing between us. It wasn't anything like the two times I had fainted during the week. When I had fainted there was nothing but blackness until the moment I had opened my eyes again, but this time there was physical pain and shock everywhere inside of me and the gap in my head stretched and wobbled like a distended balloon. Charlie was in trouble, he was in pain and it was seemed to be some kind of extension of the symptoms I had been experiencing all week. For the first time since being connected to him in that way, I was afraid. A serious fright claimed me with the suspicion that I had crossed a precarious line between us, because even though his gap was there, I felt as if my body and mind were being sucked simultaneously into _his_ reality, leaving mine behind. I groped in the darkness like a frantic lunatic, clinging onto the gap with my mind, the mind that Edward had told me was the most powerful thing he had ever been acquainted with. I prayed that he was right, because I needed every shred of mental power right then to hold on to that gap and by extension, the promise of my own reality in order to keep myself from going down with Charlie….if in fact he _was_ going down.

I tried to force the image of Edward's face into my head to combat Charlie's. I had lost his voice but I still had his face somewhere in there. The pain in my head proved to be overpowering because with every lance it screamed Charlie's name and the more I heard it, the more it sounded like my own voice. Even though I panicked for Charlie and wailed inwardly for his well being, I struggled hard to find Edward because I knew that my connection to him was the only thing strong enough to pull me out of that black hole. At the same time, I wondered if Charlie was dying and if he was alone or if he had help. I wondered what was happening and why our connection felt threatening, unlike any other time before. I wondered if the darkness that wrapped itself around us like a Boa Constrictor was his death trying to pull me under as well. I realized immediately that my thoughts fed the strength of the tunnel because the more I thought like that, the more the walls widened and distended, and the more I had to grapple to keep myself from slipping into the deep and terrifying unknown beneath me.

_Edward, Edward, Edward_, I chanted in my head.

_Bella, Bella, Bella,_ I heard Charlie cry out.

I tried again to force Edward's face into my head and in that instant he flitted in and out again like a butterfly that I couldn't get a grasp on. Charlie banged against the inside of my head, demanding all of my attention, begging me almost, to stay with him while we fell through his despair. My heart started to hurt and if I was awake I knew I would have felt his pain physically in my chest. Everything I felt for him swam through me then; love, longing, despair, worry, pity, disappointment, resentment and buckets and buckets of unrelenting grief. Each one of those emotions pulled me further away from myself, draining me of the very strength I needed to claw my way back up to the top where I could find my own reality and further into the trenches below.

I knew that my mind was being sucked into a mental prison from where I may have never been able to escape again and I knew that if I let it happen, my physical body would have been trapped too; because there was no way my body could function without my mind.

I worried about a host of things as I felt the pain in my head spread and thrust on the inside of my skull. I worried about losing my father and for the first time I worried about what happen to me if he died; would I be left suspended in the physical realm with my mind lost or trapped somewhere in permanent psychosis. Would I be admitted to an asylum because my mind was locked in a sepulcher of darkness? Would I have to live without Edward forever because of it, just as he said to our parents that he loved me and we were meant for each other? Would those be the last words I would ever hear him say? A new fright hit me all of a sudden. A month before I would have happily allowed myself to be sucked into the tunnel of desolation alongside Charlie because I had grieved and hurt for him so much that nothing else existed for me; but everything had changed since Edward, I had changed.

I had something new to live for but that meant first and foremost that I had to live. A month before, I couldn't fathom the thought of living in a world with no Charlie. Just the thought of it would have sent me into crippling hysterics; but it was a world without Edward that terrified me all of a sudden, even more so than the one without Charlie. I knew I had to fight to pull myself out, I had to fight harder to find his face, but my energy was spent and the throbbing in my head didn't make it any easier to focus. I was balancing on the precarious edge of my sanity with my virtual arms stuck out at my sides, plunged into the walls for support; on the verge of falling over into the eternal pit of nothingness that called out to me eerily. I started to slip again and when I looked down there was nothing was black. The walls around me opened up a bit, tried to get me to lose my hold on the sides so that I would slip and fall; but I dug my arms in deeper and tightened every muscle in my being until they were locked in that position. I screamed for Edward in my head though there was no actual voice behind it, but scream I did, over and over again until a stark white, ferocious light flashed through my head and enclosed itself protectively around me.

As soon as it happened my right shoulder started to hurt and like the saving grace that I so desperately needed, Edward's face forced its way in along with his glaring white gap and a mouthful of cool oxygen. I felt my lungs swell in welcoming reception and I realized just then that I hadn't been breathing before. Another slice of pain slashed my shoulder and the feeling was like heaven in comparison to the terror of falling over that edge. Edward's gap came tearing through like a galloping brutal force, enraged and powerful as it pushed against Charlie's gap, fighting and struggling against it in sheer white fury. More air came into my lungs then and I felt my chest heave as the pain in my head started to whither. It played out like a massive fight in my head, Edward against Charlie and Charlie against Edward. Charlie's gap was taken by surprise, never once thinking that there was another just like it in my head and even more surprised to find that Edward's was stronger and a hundred times more ferocious. He came in like a white stallion, tearing through with focused, fiery purpose, until there was nothing else but him inside of me and the pain in his shoulder crashed through me repeatedly like sweet redemption.

"BELLA! _BELLA_!" He screamed and I ran in the direction of his voice like a frightened child trying to escape the treacherous darkness of the haunted woods.

"She's breathing!" Carlisle cried out and I was never more relieved to hear his voice too. I withdrew every bitter feeling I had ever thought of him, because the familiarity of his voice was reassuring and despite everything that had happened; he was there. Charlie's gap straightened out then and started to bear some resemblance to way it used to and was supposed to behave. It broadened the space between Charlie and me, setting his reality apart from mine; and as Edward's white light touched everything in its reach, Charlie faded along with his pain and his darkness leaving only Edward behind in all his triumphant glory.

I could feel frantic hands all over me and the shouting and screaming confirmed that I was slipping out of my subconscious state and back to reality. Esme was shrieking and bawling in panic and thank God for Carlisle because he commanded the situation very easily. As high pitched as his voice sounded, he was in complete control as he chanted stern orders about him and made everyone fall into line easily, proving just why he was as respected as he was. I was able to decipher that I was in the hospital again because of the sounds around me and because of the smell. Edward's sent was the strongest and I knew that he was just as close to me as he sounded.

"Edward," Carlisle said. "Please stay with Esme. I need someone to be with her right now. She's in a mess and I have to go in with Bella."

"_Dad!_ What?! No!! I'm not leaving Bella's side!" Edward choked out.

"I have it under control Edward," Carlisle's tone got urgent and authoritative. "I _need_ your help son."

"Don't make me leave her dad, _please._ I'm going in with her!"

"Edward!" Carlisle lashed out sternly, like the dominant patriarch that he was. "I .. I won't let anything happen to her. I can bring her back to you if you let me go in with her now. You can't go in there anyway and Esme needs your help. The _moment_ she's stable I'll pull you in. I promise."

I heard Edward sigh and pant in unsteady rhythm.

_It's ok Edward,_ I thought, _listen to him. You did well. It's over now_. _I'm safe._

And I really did feel safe with Carlisle.

"Go Edward. _Now_!" Carlisle said again.

I heard Edward's footsteps stomp away then, presumably to the inconsolable Esme and regretfully, he took his scent with him. There was endless probing and examinations after that in a room with Carlisle and three others. They did all they had and needed to in order to get me out of the semi-subconscious state that I was in. They checked every vital I had in me and plugged all the chords they found into my body and despite all the faith they had in their medicines and scientific equipment, it was Edward who pulled me out. It was_ his_ pure and selfless love that found and saved me and nothing else. He was the one that prevented my fall and I was sure that if he wasn't around when it had happened, no amount of medical therapy would have helped. With his dominant white light and wounded glory, he forced his way in between Charlie and me and conquered Charlie's effect on me.

He probably saved my life and as I lay on the hospital bed amidst the beeping machinery, cold utensils and groping warm hands of Carlisle and the others, I knew that I would never owe another person as much as I owed Edward for his love.


	39. Chapter 39 Withdrawal

Happy reading ladies....are there any gents out there? Loved your comments on the last chap. Thanks :) Here's another long one to pass the time. Hope you like.

xoxo

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**Chapter 39**

**Withdrawal**

His eyes were on me but he didn't see me. He looked past my eyes, past my shell of skin and bones, into and past the very core of me and out through the back of my head. He was far away, deep thought with his elbow on one knee and his chin propped in the palm of his hand. The crease between his brows was harsh and deep set lines of his jaw gave him the look of something dangerously brooding and grim.

I raised my hand to pull the oxygen mask from over my face and when I did, I felt a sick soreness in my right shoulder. Sure enough, his shoulder was hurting and I didn't even have to ask him because I felt him in my head. His gap wasn't as blaring or raging as it was when he fought Charlie off earlier, but he was still there, and Charlie was not. I managed to get the oxygen mask off and even though he saw that I was awake, he didn't get up to move toward me. He just sat there in a chair across the hospital room, quiet, ominous and unyielding.

"Hey," I said to him in a horse whisper and gave him a quivering smile.

He blinked once and nothing more.

I knew I had it coming. I knew he would be angry with me when he eventually realized that I had been suffering with Charlie's effects all week long, but the knowledge of his impending aversion did nothing to ease my apprehension. I was no more ready for it than if I had just thrown myself under the wheels like I could have all along.

"Edward," I said, hoping that he could find it within him to at least_ try_ to understand why I couldn't talk about it sooner. For a split second, I thought about Charlie and wondered if he was ok or if Esme had gotten any news on him, but the heartbreaking expression on Edward's face made me feel like dying and there was nothing more important to me right then than getting him to understand.

"I know you're upset, but can we talk about it?" I asked.

He sat up in the chair and ran his hand through his hair, still looking right through me, then he pointed to something next to me on the bed and pinned his lips firmly together. I looked down on my right to find a folded piece of paper at my side, flashed him a quizzical look, then unfolded it and read. It was in his script.

_'I'm not talking until you agree to tell me everything.'_

I looked over at him again and he raised his both eyebrows expectantly. The hospital room was slightly chilly I thought, or maybe that was just the effect of the coolness he cast between us and at that point I would have done anything to take it all back and grovel, just so that he could sit next to me with his warmth, and kiss and hug me like I was used to…fuss over me all he wanted to; and I'd promise to love every second of it. After the fright I had just gone through with Charlie, all I wanted was for Edward to hold and reassure me so that I could bask in the sweetness of my own reality, because he was my reality.

"Ok," I said with a nod and he shifted back to his original position with his left hand under his chin and his elbow propped on his knee. His eyes never faltered from its penetrating hold on mine. "What do you want to know?"

"Start from the beginning," he said in a low voice. "Monday. Your two migraines."

"Charlie," I said sheepishly. It was the only word to sum it all up so that he could get the picture quickest. He swallowed visibly and I saw something very real and painful, like anguish, flash through his eyes bringing with it a shadow of despondency that settled over his face.

"And every other day this week?" He continued. "All of those strange symptoms you've been having…the short breath, your dizziness, the fainting?"

"Charlie, Charlie. All of it was Charlie."

"The hives yesterday?"

"Charlie."

"And today…"

"Yes."

"Fuck Bella," he sighed exhaustedly and bent his head over with closed eyes. His left hand was still rooted in his hair and he held on to the back of his head in frustration. I gave him all the time he needed to sort through it in his head and after a minute or so passed, he took a deep breath and straightened up again. I could tell by the disappointment in his eyes that he had known already and that all I had done was confirm his suspicion; and in that moment I wished that he was angry with me instead of disappointed because that look in his eyes was effectively doing the job that Charlie had failed to do.

"Why'd you keep it from me?" He asked eventually. "You knew you were driving me half crazy and still you didn't say anything. I've been worrying about you all week long and now…this…"

A lump grew in my throat and it took a lot of effort to swallow.

"Many reasons," I said nervously as I pushed myself upright on my hands. "Things had started happening almost constantly and I hated burdening you with the stress of worrying about me all the time. I'm not used to people knowing about me."

He leaned forward in a sharp jolt then and held his hand up and out in front of him.

"I'm not _people_. This is me you're talking about, and you think you're a burden to me?" He said in a torturous tone.

"I tend to be a burden, yes."

"Bella," he gasped and sat back almost as quickly as he had sat forward. "I _love_ you. How could you ever think that you're a burden to me? Have I treated you like a burden?"

"No!"

"The real burden Bella was feeling helpless while you suffered, not knowing how to help you, not knowing what to do, being afraid all the time that you were sick, feeling shut out…..that really fucking sucked. Do you realize how messed up it is to keep something that important from me? And all those times I tried to ask you about it, you kept avoiding me. Not wanting me to worry about you isn't a good enough reason for that kind of damage."

"I'm sorry," I squealed a little, on the verge of tears. I started to panic. "I wasn't trying to shut you out Edward. I was also trying to protect you."

"Protect _me_?" He asked incredulously and almost laughed cynically. "I'm not the one that needs protecting here Bella, but hey, just for the heck of it, what were you protecting me from?"

"I was trying to protect you from turning in to me."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"Edward. I know what it's like to be so consumed by worry and grief for the pain of someone you love, that it becomes damaging and depressing. I didn't want to be the reason you felt like that. I wanted us to have some semblance of a normal relationship, light and fun, for once, without all the harassment of my….my thing."

"What else?" He demanded with an expression as serious and as deadly as the seven mortal sins.

"Huh?"

"You said you had many reasons. So far those are only two and none of them are important enough, not to mention the fact that they are all about me and I'm not so vain as to believe that I could be your only reason for such self destructive behavior."

"I don't understand what…"

He sat forward jerkily again and pointed his left index finger accusingly at me. The green in his eyes blazed like molten kryptonite and as angry as he looked, I couldn't help but notice how strikingly handsome he was as well.

"Don't do that," he lashed out. "Don't pretend. This is the time you get to clean the slate, so fucking clean it and don't you even _think_ about holding a single thing back from here on out. I know you a hell of a lot better than you give me credit for."

"But I'm telling you everything Edward."

"There's something else."

"Something else like what?"

"What does your _father_ have to do with all this?"

"I already told you," I widened my eyes at him. "All the symptoms were his."

"That's not what I mean. What I mean is….where does he fit into your 'reasons' for hiding it from me? I know how protective and secretive you are about him. I can bet on my life that you did all this because in some warped way you thought you were helping him too."

I fell back on my pillows in defeat and stared up at the ceiling.

"That's right," he said in a gruff tone. "He's one of your reasons isn't he? Tell me."

I gulped again at the lump in my throat and blinked up at the ceiling.

"Edward…"

"Tell me Bella…"

I sighed and closed my eyes. I knew I had to get it out into the open and I knew that he wouldn't give up easily nor would he believe any half hearted shot at an explanation. He had waited for this moment all week long and now that he had it, he wouldn't let it pass without salvaging very wound he had suffered in the process.

"I was afraid that you would blame him," I answered in a small voice. He didn't respond. "Edward. You are the only other person in my life who's affected me in the same way that he has. There is no one else I love more than the two of you and the thought of you hating him because of something that's _my_ fault was too terrifying a concept to play with. I think I would die if the two of you didn't love each other. My dream is that the three of us could…"

"The _three_ of us?!" He shrieked in disgust and shot up from the chair. He caught himself immediately and tried to retract his hastiness by turning his back to me and shoving his hand in his hair. "There is no three of us. There is you and me, and there is you and him."

I didn't know what to make of his reaction or how to respond to him, but what I could locate spot on in his disposition and tone of voice was his contempt for Charlie; the very thing I had been trying to prevent all along and it hurt.

"I'm sorry," I said to his back. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and pleaded with his rigid and tense back. "I'm sorry for not telling you. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings, for all of it. I really didn't intend on hurting you, I just wanted everything to be normal. I hate being the center of attention all the time, always causing drama, always a burden."

"It's not me you are a burden to Bella," he said solemnly to the wall. "I hate to say this and the last thing I want is to hurt you because I love you so much, but sometimes I think that the truth would do you some good. He's the one that thinks you're a burden, to the point where he's distanced himself from you and it seems that no matter what happens, or how much he continues to damage you, you are determined to protect him and to hold on to this connection you have with him."

"Edward. There isn't anything I can do about that."

"There has to be," he lashed out and turned toward me with glassy, downtrodden eyes. "And the thing that kills me is that you're not willing to find out."

The door opened then and a spaced out looking nurse came in to check up on me.

"Oh," she remarked in surprise on finding Edward in the room. "I'm sorry Mr. Cullen. I didn't realize anyone was in here. I'll just be a minute."

She checked on my IV and asked if I was in any pain, checked my blood pressure then touched the top of my head like a mother searching for a fever.

"Your mother is in Dr. Cullen's office," she smiled at me. "I'll just let them know that you're awake and they'll come down to see you shortly."

I thanked her and she left promptly, but not before casting a sideways glance at Edward. Even the nurse was checking him out.

A few minutes of silence passed between us again and I nearly cried because I yearned for his touch so badly, but he wouldn't give it. I dropped my gaze into my lap then and swung my legs under the bed, hoping that the nurse wouldn't be over efficient in getting Esme to come to me quickly. I needed as much alone time with Edward as possible. He fell back against the wall behind him then and his movement caught my attention. When I looked up at him, I saw him take his signature pose and it made my heart skip and cry out for dear mercy. He shoved his good hand in his pocket, crossed his legs by his ankles and bent his head to look down at his feet. I nearly jumped off the bed and ran to him but what he said next halted me on the spot.

"I can't promise to love that man Bella," he said huskily, down to the floor. "Not when I see you hurt the way you do because of him."

Another lump pressed itself against the walls of my throat and I forced it back down with a massive gulp.

"It terrifies me..," he went on, "…the way you are with him. It can be such a beautiful thing, but he's…he's too fucking careless with it. He doesn't deserve to have you like that. You have no idea how close I came to losing my fucking mind today Bella, 'cause of how scared I got. I knew it was him. I knew it all along."

When he raised his head to look at me, my breath hitched because I saw that his eyes were brimmed with tears. Just one blink would have had them rolling out of their pools of green.

"Do you know how close I came to losing you today?" He choked out.

My own eyes welled up with tears then, in response to his. The pain on his face was heart wrenching and it twisted my insides in all sorts of unpleasant, boisterous knots; but what was he talking about losing me? I remembered the fear of falling into something dark, unfamiliar and eerie. The possibility of death itself had occurred to me many times while it was happening and I even remembered feeling so desperate and helpless that for the first time in my life, I was afraid within the clutches of Charlie's gap. It had never been so terrifying before, never so final and vivid, to the point where the gap had blurred our realities and tried to merge them into a single, blasphemous entity. Yet still, and despite all of that, the nearest kind of death I feared was the death of my mind, becoming trapped in the darkness forever and dying to consciousness. I didn't expect to actually die in the physical realm, though there may not have been much of a difference. I wanted to forget about it though, because just the memory alone gave me the chills.

"Lose me?" I asked in a jumpy voice and he covered me with an emotional, teary gaze.

"A few more seconds without oxygen….and you would have suffered either brain damage or cardiac arrest."

He managed to spook me with that. I jerked on the bed and narrowed my eyes at him.

"How do you know that?"

"Because I was there Bella," he answered impatiently. "I was right next to Carlisle the entire time until you were taken into emergency, practically eating every word that came out of his goddamned mouth. You went into shock. He called it Anaphylactic Shock."

My thoughts flashed to Charlie immediately and I shot a hand up to my mouth.

"Anapha-_what_?"

"Anaphylactic shock."

"What's that?"

"A severe allergic reaction. You suffered from Charlie's allergic reaction to something, and I don't care what you say about actual damage never transferring to you. I was here to see everything and you were very clearly in physical danger, so don't even try feeding me that horse shit about it all being in your mind. If your mind dies, so do you."

I swallowed nervously and shifted my eyes to various inanimate objects all over the staid room.

"Allergic?" I spoke my thoughts out loud unintentionally as I remembered the hives on my back from the day before. What the hell was Charlie so allergic to that it was fatal?

"But, to what?" I queried in confusion. I couldn't remember him having any kind of allergies, least of all a reaction so serious.

"Your father has apparently developed an acute allergy to _alcohol_. Carlisle can probably tell you how it happened if and when you decide to ask, but my guess is that he's been over doing it and now his body is fighting back."

I widened my eyes in calculating thought, trying to grasp what he was saying.

"But how did Carlisle know it's the alcohol?" I asked him.

"He doesn't," he responded. "But I've been recording your symptoms all week and it's the only plausible explanation."

Another jolt of shock ran through me.

"You've been what?"

He scratched his head and looked away again.

"When you wouldn't tell me what was going on, I decided to monitor you and keep track of everything odd I noticed about your behavior and appearance. I recorded it all, and well….Carlisle noticed something today before you passed out and it reminded me of something I recorded in my log. I told him about my observations this week and based on that plus what he found out when he examined you today, he said it was Anaphylactic shock. To what, he doesn't yet know, but I do. It's the alcohol. You have his interrogation to look forward to by the way and if you think I'm bad, he's worse."

I had to lie down in order to absorb it.

"What did he notice before I passed out?" I asked.

"The way you straightened your back against the chair to breathe," he answered, and by some sweet miracle, he came over to me and sat on the edge of the bed. "You had to use your neck muscles to force air in, and then he said he saw something else that bothered him."

"What?"

"You pressed your hands down on your knees in order to lengthen your torso. Whether you knew why you were doing it or not, you did it to straighten your back so that you could breathe. Do you remember any of that?"

I did. It was too hard to breathe, virtually impossible and I needed to pull my hand away from Edward's in order to grab onto my knees. Pressing down on my knees had seemed like the only other thing I could do when just sitting up straight didn't work the way I needed it to. But alas, none of it really helped in the end and I had succumbed anyway. I nodded in consent and he shuffled over closer to me.

"How do you know it's the alcohol though?" I asked him.

"Because I asked Carlisle if it was possible and he said that alcohol _should_ have been what caused your reaction, though he was confused because your blood tests showed no signs of it."

"When did all of this happen?"

"While you were sleeping."

"But, if what you're saying is true and my symptoms all week were a lead up to this; why is this only now happening? I mean, those symptoms only started this week and Charlie's been drinking a god awful long time. Why didn't something like this happen sooner?"

"He could have just recently developed the allergy…I don't know. I have to talk to Carlisle about it some more. I'm sure he'll have all the answers."

I shifted on the bed and turned my eyes away from his, uncomfortable with the fact that he wanted to talk to Carlisle about it in more depth. Carlisle was getting closer and closer to my secret and even though I knew he would find out sooner or later because of his involvement with Esme and my family, I still rejected the notion instinctively, just because I was accustomed to reacting that way. In spite of my aversion to the idea however, I didn't have the courage to object with Edward about it. I was genuinely touched by the fact that he had been monitoring me all week long in silence, on the lookout in case something had happened to me. It was awfully sweet and considerate and I didn't want to insult him by throwing a hissy fit about him wanting to explore it further. There was also the fact that he had obviously taken matters into his own hands after I'd been hiding from him all week long, so trying to stop him at that point would have been pointless. It would have also instigated another fight.

I swallowed nervously and tried to pull the covers over my legs again, but I really wasn't feeling cold to begin with, so I kicked them off again. I got a slight glance of him and noticed that his eyes had softened on me and he offered me a strained smile.

"What's the matter?" He asked softly with his head bent.

"Nothing."

"You're fidgeting."

I rolled my eyes up at the ceiling and smiled a little.

"You don't want me to talk to Carlisle do you?" He asked.

I bit into my bottom lip and shifted a pair of wary eyes to his.

"I think he's way past his ignorance by now Bella," he said. "After today, I think it's safe to say that the cat's out of the bag. Ever since he stabilized you he and Esme have been in his office upstairs in heated conversation. I'm not the one you need to worry about."

I closed my eyes and tried to brace myself for the exposure to yet another person. I was fiercely private and even though I was fond of Carlisle, I loathed the idea of his constant surveillance and worry for my health. There was also the fact that my exposure to someone new also meant Charlie's exposure to someone new as well. Carlisle would only be an addition to Charlie's firing squad.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward asked. I sighed and opened my eyes in dismay, unable to remember a time when my life hadn't been so complicated.

"I'm worried about Charlie," I answered honestly with diverted eyes. I was afraid to see his reaction, so I avoided eye contact. "What if…"

"He's fine," Edward answered and pushed himself off the bed. I sat up immediately and followed his movement with my eyes. He went back to the wall and ran his fingers through his hair with his back to me.

"And?" I urged and he tilted his head down and to the side.

"He called your cell phone just before you woke up and I answered the call." He dipped into his pocket then and pulled out my phone. The surprises just kept coming.

"He called? From where?" The sweetest rush of relief flooded through me then. My father was alive.

"A hospital somewhere. I really didn't ask Bella. I wasn't in the mood for conversation."

"What did he say?"

Charlie didn't know anything about Edward because I hadn't told him yet. It never seemed like the appropriate time to tell him, mainly because our conversations weren't actual conversations. They were more like pleading arguments from my end to get him to cooperate with me. I wondered if Edward had told him who he was and if he did, I wondered what Charlie's reaction was. Edward raised his head and looked at the wall before him and shrugged.

"He asked for you."

"So he's ok? Could you tell?" I asked, unable to hide my riddling curiosity and flailing relief.

"He's alive if that's what you mean. Someone snatched his phone away from him when he tried to talk and scolded me about him needing to rest yadda yadda yadda. I assumed it was a nurse because I could hear a doctor being paged in the background."

I almost cried in relief. Charlie was alive and he had called to see if I was ok. It was the break I had been praying for, the answer to my prayer and the thing that would help prove that the whole scenario wasn't as bad as we thought it was.

"Don't you see," I said emphatically to Edward. He turned around with an arched eyebrow when he heard the change in my tone. "He's ok. He's alive and well enough to call me. That means that nothing….final, would have happened to me. It was always going to be ok." He scoffed and turned his back to me again. I saw every muscle in his back twitch and tense through his t-shirt and the fist he made at his side looked painful.

"I'm not quite as tolerant as you are of his carelessness Bella, so excuse me if I don't find the silver _fucking_ lining here. And by the way, he is by no means _ok_." He turned on me then and stormed over to the bed.

"He needs to get help, only he refuses to because of a stupid feud with his ex wife; because he just can't get over his fucked up sense of pride. He's wedged you right in the middle of this tug of war with Esme and he thinks he's standing his ground as it pertains to her, but he winds up hurting _you_ in the process. And you know what else is majorly fucked up about it? He fucking _knows _it. He knows what happens to you every time he hurts himself, yet still, he can't find his fucking ass in rehab somewhere to fight his addiction, not even for your sake. I don't have to tell you how much I hate this. I'm sure you can see it all over me. After what happened today, I don't care to hide it from you anymore. I won't be able to survive it if something happens to you Bella. I can't go through something like this again. I can't! It's too fucking scary. I love you too much to just sit back and watch him kill you slowly."

I shook my head and stared down at my clasped fingers in my lap, then tugged at the IV needle in my wrist. I understood how he felt and I expected it, but a defensive nerve triggered in me when he talked about Charlie like that. Even though my love for him was fast surpassing anything I had ever felt for another human being, it didn't erase how I felt about Charlie and even though he didn't understand or like it, he certainly had to accept it because Charlie was my father.

"He's not killing me Edward. That's a harsh thing to say."

The blunt bone structure of his face hardened impossibly more when I said that and he took another two steps toward me. The pain in his shoulder was still present, though it was mild in comparison to what I had just awoken from.

"I don't imagine we'll ever agree on this," he said bluntly. "So I will drop it right now for your benefit, but note at the same time that it would be useless to try to convince me that this is neither harmless, nor dangerous for you. I really don't care what happens to him Bella. The only person I care about here is you."

"Edward…."

"Let's drop it."

"Fine," I pouted, but I didn't want to. My heart felt heavy with despair, both for the misunderstood Charlie and for the torment that I had caused Edward; and even though I was more than touched by Edward's strong volition to protect me, it saddened me immensely that the only other person I loved more than Charlie himself, very possibly hated him. I looked at him mournfully as he turned toward the wall again, longing for his embrace and for his therapeutic kiss. I almost got angry with him for allowing all of it to stand in the way of our affection. He should have known how much I needed it after the day I'd had. I folded my arms and my legs stubbornly and thought of a way to get him to calm down.

"It was you," I said shakily and he looked down to the side again. "It was you who saved me today. Thank you."

He turned around slowly and planted himself against the wall behind him like before.

"Skimming over the fact that you think you even need to thank me for being here for you, you _do_ acknowledge the fact that you were so far gone that you needed saving?"

I sighed sadly and turned my eyes up to the ceiling.

"Yes Edward, yes. Does that make you happy?"

He came back to my side then and sat next to me, and his closeness sent shock waves through my body. I didn't like it when he was angry. Something about his anger scared me and I hated being the one to push him further and further toward his breaking point with every argument we had. He stared at me in silence for a few minutes then he touched the side of my face and I closed my eyes to savor the path his warm skin made on mine.

"Your shoulder hurts," I said, inclining my face closer to his. He bent his head down closer to mine and I raised my hand and traced a line on his right shoulder with my index finger.

"A little."

"How come? It's not time for your pain killers yet."

"Well I had to….I sort of, tore off my sling and smashed my shoulder into the wall when you wouldn't wake up."

"What?!" I shrieked and clasped my hands over my mouth. "_Edward?!_"

"I didn't know how else to reach you," he said sullenly, shuffling over even closer to me. "I knew it was a Charlie thing, so I knew that he was in your head, and I thought that if I got myself in there too, maybe you could hold on to me and I don't know….find your way out, or something."

My hands started to tremble with fraught emotion and a single tear rolled down either cheek. I threw my arms around his neck then and buried my face into his shoulder so that I could hide my face to cry.

He returned the hug and finally kissed the side of my head. "Why are you crying?"

"I'm sorry," I sniffled. "I just can't believe that…I can't believe you did that."

"Of course I did," he answered. I raised my head off of him then and wiped away my tears with the back of my hands. "That shouldn't be so unbelievable. I hoped it would help but…."

"It did," I choked out with major difficulty. "I felt you. You were there."

He raised my face with his finger so that he could look directly into my eyes and frowned.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that you were the one that pulled me out. I felt the pain in my shoulder. It was excruciatingly intense and your gap rushed in with it and pushed Charlie off. I saw your face and felt your presence and eventually, I heard your voice and I clung onto you until I came to."

"Well I'd be fucking damned," he smiled. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to be blindsided by his brilliant smile that day, and I was so ecstatic to see it that I cupped his face in my hands and giggled.

"So you were the one that actually made it happen?" I smiled incredulously, amazed. "I thought I had envisioned you on my own."

He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine and when he thread his fingers through my hair I almost shuddered in languid ecstasy. The kiss was short but it was deep and a hundred times worth the wait. He sighed heavily and rubbed the tip of his nose against mine.

"What was it like?" He asked.

"When you came in?"

"No, yes…all of it. What happens when you go away? Is it too hard to relive? Because if it is…"

"No it's ok," I shook my head. It was exposing to say the least, but I wanted to bare myself to him. I finally wanted him to know everything without the fear of him not liking what he might find. Hiding from him was too hard, it didn't work the way I intended, and I never wanted to experience his disappointment in me again.

"Promise you won't freak out?"

"Will you stop worrying about me freaking out? Have I freaked out yet?"

"You have a point."

He widened his eyes and pinned his lips together and I cleared my throat.

"Today," I began. "Charlie's gap was different than usual. It was volatile and panicky. It's usually sturdy and reassuring. It was the first time I got scared of him. Everything was swirling fast and his face was everywhere, zooming in and out, flashing in front of me and every time I saw his eyes, he looked…terrified. There was pain. My head hurt and there was screaming, but it was vague like a loud din. I felt like I was in a dark tunnel and the more I panicked, the more I felt like I was going to fall."

His head shot up then and his body jerked, then he shook his head distractedly and urged me on.

"I felt like I was going to lose after a long while of fighting and groping in the dark, being sucked down into a hole whose walls kept threatening to open up around me so that I would fall. It was the strangest feeling. The darkness both smothered and tried to let go of me at the same time. I worried about him and I very clearly felt the anguish that he was going through while it was happening. The deeper his pain struck me, the more I empathized with him, and the lower I slipped. I kept thinking about you in my desperation but for a while I couldn't find you and just when I was about to give up because I had gotten so tired of fighting, there you were. Like I said before, I felt your gap and I saw your light and my shoulder started to hurt. I followed you and I clutched on to your image and before long I heard your voice and you were screaming my name."

"I really was screaming your name," he said. "I screamed out to you every time I smashed my shoulder into that wall. Thank goodness everybody was fussing over you, so they paid no attention to me. I got a few curious stares from some members of staff, but you were more important than the raging lunatic beating himself up in the halls, and Esme bawls a lot. She did a good job of taking the focus off of me, I'd say."

That was it. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I pulled his face toward mine and plastered an emotional and trembling kiss on him and in the midst of it, more tears came rolling out. I cried and kissed him passionately and everything I had done to hurt, disappoint or frustrate him stamped itself across my head. I had been so wrapped up in my own anxiety and dissection of everything over the past week that I didn't put enough weight on how much Edward had actually cared about me. Not even in my lowest moment of unrelenting grief for Charlie did I feel as much love as I felt for Edward in those moments. Just like that, he had overtaken and had become the single most important man in my life, the person with whom I chose to face any kind of torture or disillusionment from then on. He had stolen my heart, because I didn't even realize when he took in such entirety.

I didn't even hear when the door opened because the thunderous thumping in my chest ricocheted through my ears as well. It was Edward who closed off the kiss with a last peck on the corner of my mouth and signaled to Esme and Carlisle standing by the door. I turned to see them and hurriedly wiped at my tears. It was no wonder I hadn't cried them all out by then.

Esme took an unsure step toward me and I saw her panic slightly when she saw that I had been crying, though she didn't know that they were tears of joy.

"I think you should let her hold you," Edward whispered in my ear. "She was pretty messed up."

"No," I complained and turned back to him. "I only want you."

"I'm not leaving, but she loves you too and I think you need her more than you think you do."

I turned my face back toward her. She was waiting for me to tell her it was ok to be near to me and I guessed that she hesitated because she thought that I was still upset about the fight we were having earlier on, but the truth was that I didn't even remember it until I saw her and Carlisle in the room again. The vision of them standing side by side with nothing but concern on their faces was touching. They emitted an aura that felt oddly safe, like a promise of something new that wasn't nearly as foreboding as it would be beautiful and strong. It was Carlisle who took the first step forward with smiling and compassionate eyes.

"How do you feel?" He asked. I nodded at him and he walked over to me with Esme on his heels. "May I?"

I nodded again and I felt Edward pass his hand down my back and stop on the spot where the hives had been.

"Is it gone?" He whispered quickly to me and I turned to face him and nodded affirmatively. He smiled, winked and then moved out of the way to give Carlisle some room.

Carlisle did his routine checks and I wondered why he felt like he needed to, especially after supposedly talking to Esme about the truth about my condition. He shone a torch into my eyes, felt the glands on my throat, then listened to my heart beat through his stethoscope. There was something different in his eyes, like a new kind of understanding, though I saw his subdued, internal struggle evident by the defiant frown on his brow. He was trying to find something explicable with the help of his medical tools, some trace of the attack he had witnessed, but he found nothing. Even my blood pressure was back to normal. He sighed and raised his eyes to mine, then pulled one side of his mouth up in a weak smile. What ever Anaphylactic shock was, I figured that a person who had just suffered it shouldn't have recovered as quickly as I did. He looked over at Esme and she nodded at him once as if to say, '_See? I told you.'_

Carlisle looked at me again with a million questions in his eyes, unsure about where to begin and how I would react to him if he did. Esme was quiet and rigid at his side. I knew that she wanted to come to me, but she waited for my consent. I shifted my eyes between them for a few seconds and swallowed my pride, banking on the image I just had of the two of them and the strength their union offered.

"You can't tell a soul," I said to Carlisle in a low voice. His facial features relaxed and something like respect beamed in his eyes. That above all else felt surreal, that a man like Carlisle Cullen should respect _me_. He made a fist with his hand and brought it up to his mouth so that he could bite it.

"You have my word," he said eventually and Edward returned to my side. He started to rub my back again in gentle, reassuring strokes.

"Whenever you're up to it," Carlisle continued. "I'd like to ask you a few questions, if that's ok."

"Sure."

"Maybe more than a few," he went on. "A lot of questions?"

"It's ok Carlisle," I smiled. "You'll soon get used to it."

I knew he would want to find a way to monitor me too, like Edward, and though I wasn't entirely comfortable with that, I decided to try to go with the flow. The only thing of concern to look out for would be signs of him trying to 'heal me' of my bond with my father.

My eyes went to Esme's next and I was relieved to find that most of my anger had already dissipated. There was still a lot to talk about, as the build up inside of me was sure to warrant a lengthy and in depth conversation with her and possibly a few fights in the process. However, she needed the consolation of my approval and my forgiveness and I would have been less than worthy of her love if I didn't give it. She saw the amity in my eyes and hurried around the bed to me. She smelled like her, like cinnamon and berries and her scent took me back briefly down memory lane to when I was a child.

I remembered the mornings before school when I would go into her closet and wrap myself in her hanging dresses just so that I could smell like her all day. I was never able to find a bottle of perfume on her dresser and so I had to settle for rubbing up against her garments. She had said that she didn't wear perfume because it always made daddy sneeze and after all those years she still smelled the same. If I had hugged her more often, the recollection wouldn't slam into me quite so harshly, like a lost treasure that was found again. The four of us bonded in a peculiar way that day. We had gone through bad, hell and back with each other and by the end of it, all we cared about was that we were together and alive. Nothing else mattered, least of all what were fighting about when it had all just started.

"My God," Alice fumed as she stormed into the room and shattered the peace that had enclosed the four of us. Esme let go of me and kissed my forehead, then left the room with Carlisle to deal with the discharge papers. "For someone who hates attention, you certainly know how to ring up the drama."

Edward rolled his eyes and shook his head, then went back to stare at the wall like before. Something about his disposition bothered me and I glanced at him uneasily for a second, but Alice demanded my full attention so I had to give it to her. She was wearing the most ridiculously revealing, low cut and probably designer made, thin as straw, poor excuse for a wet suit; in bright pink. I raised an amused eyebrow at her and gave her the up and down with my eyes.

"Hi Alice," I chuckled, thankful for the breath of fresh air that she brought in with her.

"How the hell are you?" She asked with wild eyes. "Thanks for ruining my day at La Push by the way."

"You went to La Push?" I asked her. Alice loved the sun just as much as I did so she hated the beach when it wasn't sunny, dry and blue. I had never been to La Push but I had heard kids at school talking about how cold and overcast it always was.

"Yes, thank you very much and Jasper was just about to get me on a boogie board when I got this distress call from mom," her eyes surveyed me from head to toe. "And of course, just as I predicted, you're fine."

"You were going to boogie board at La Push?" It was hilarious. "In _that?_"

She arched an eyebrow at me as if to say, '_And_?'

I imagined the number of heart attacks she would have caused on her way to my room and I snickered. At least the poor bastards were already in the hospital.

"Aren't you freezing to death?" I asked her.

"I planned on it. That's what Jasper is for," she smiled coyly. I glanced at Edward who stood silently by the wall with his back still to us and I worried about what he was thinking about so quietly.

"And speaking of Jasper," she continued. "He's waiting for me outside. Promise me you're ok."

"I'm ok."

"Stop doing this Bella," she said. "It's not fun for any of us." She cast an awkward glance at Edward then and frowned.

"What's with him?" She gestured to him with her thumb.

"Nothing," I answered and wrinkled my nose. She bent to kiss my forehead and then pinched my arm.

"I'll see you at home later. Tell mom I left."

"Sure."

"Love ya."

"Love you too Al."

When she left, Edward turned around and returned to my side on the bed.

"She's right about one thing," he said.

"What's that?"

"You need to stop. It's not fun for any for any of us and that's putting it mildly."

We lay down together on the narrow bed, pretty much the same way we did the evening I fell asleep next to him on my own bed; the day he came over to say that he loved me. His thoughts were far away as he stared upward and even though he was right next to me, I couldn't shake the eerie feeling that his distress went a lot deeper than I knew. His brows were pinched and his eyes were focused on some imaginary point in space, seemingly battling with something in his mind, something that undoubtedly had everything to do with what had happened that day. I left him to his thoughts and said nothing about it, though I wanted to.

I had a very grave feeling about his mood and I had come to know them all; some were silent and peaceful, some sour, some light, some dark and brooding, some rough, some angry, some passionate and sexy, some outright crazy, some gentle, and some playful; but this one I didn't know. I tried to ignore it. I told myself that he was still settling after the day's events and that all he needed was a little more time to get over it all, and return to normal with me. I would let him monitor me as much as he wanted to and I would hold back no more. I would tell him everything he wanted to know before he even knew that he wanted to know it; all for the sake of his forgiveness and so that we could return to normal again.

The look on his face as he stared up at the ceiling resembled the one he had when I had just opened my eyes; far away, foreboding and immersed in deep, unpleasant thought. I snuggled up against him and pressed my nose into his neck, hoping that Esme and Carlisle would take as long as they had to so that my time alone with him would be lengthened.

The nagging annoyance of time started bugging me then and the strangest feeling of desperation latched on to me. I looked up at his face, unchanging and remote, but beautiful all the same and something twisted in my gut. I shut my eyes and tried to control my breathing, very slowly in and out. I consoled myself with the reality that he was there with me and that there was nothing to worry about. He loved me.

Esme returned again without Carlisle this time and signaled to me that it was time to go. Expectantly, I smiled at Edward and he managed a small one for me with his lips, though his eyes didn't manage it.

"It's ok," he said. "Go on with Esme. I'll call you later."

"What?" I asked him, confused, as the new and unfamiliar pang in my chest grew louder. "How did we all get to the hospital? Wasn't it in one car? How will you get home?"

"Yes honey," Esme answered. "But Carlisle organized a hospital vehicle to take us home. He will drive home later. They've found a million things for him to do now that he's here."

I never took my eyes off Edward's distracted ones. He tried to smile, but I wasn't fooled. He was torn up inside and I could see it very clearly. He didn't know how to hide his emotions, especially from me. I panicked as I wondered if that was what he felt like when he knew I was hiding things from him. How awful it felt. The anxiety was nauseating.

"I'll stick around and wait for Carlisle. I need to talk to him anyway," he answered the unspoken question in my eyes.

I didn't like it, not one bit. Something was terribly off. He was too far away. I wanted him to leave with me. I needed him to.

"I'll call you as soon as I get home," he said on seeing the confusion in my eyes and then he kissed the back of my hand and handed me my cell phone. "Go ahead."

Esme put her arm around me and led me to the door and because I was so stunned, I went with her wordlessly to the waiting car outside, driven by a member of Carlisle's hospital security staff. I settled into the back seat uncomfortably next to Esme, with a thousand things racing through my head. The car pulled off and Esme and the driver started a friendly and polite conversation with each other and though I heard their voices, I never knew what they talked about. I was too preoccupied with thoughts of Edward on the inside of the fast disappearing brick and mortar of Forks' Community Hospital through the back seat window; and far too worried about the turmoil that he was still obviously going through.


	40. Chapter 40 The End of the Beginning

This chap is my transition away from Twilight and into New Moon. Much more still to come from this story. Hope you like. Happy reading though this one might be kind of sad.

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**Chapter 40**

**The End of the Beginning (EPOV)**

My head and my heart were in two different places for the entire week after Bella's scare. The two struggled to find each other the whole time but never managed to meet at a mutual place. She could tell that something was wrong with me, I was sure of it. It's not like I knew how to close the open _fucking_ book that was my face. Everyday she came to school chipper and smiling and being incredibly sweet in her brave attempts at trying to ignore the strangeness between us and everyday she left looking more and more downtrodden. I hated feeling like I had to distance myself from her, but it was the only way I could think of to ease us both into the predicament that was coming.

The school dance was one day away, on Saturday, and I had already told her that I was taking her. She didn't want to go at first nor did she want to refuse me. She tried to please me endlessly all week long in her attempt at making up for hiding things the week before. I wasn't particularly comfortable that she felt as if she had to make up for a mistake she had made, especially when I was about to turn shit upside down myself, but at the same time I didn't have the heart to enlighten her because she found comfort in all her little gestures toward me. Having to challenge the trust worthy image that I had created for myself in her mind bothered me to the point where it was the only thing I could think about day in and day out.

I was in a miserable mood everyday leading up to prom night. The virtual fork in the road jeered at me and two distinct forces pushed me in opposite directions, each trying to get me to go their way. One force governed my head and pushed me in the direction of doing what I knew I had to do to save her from the clutches of her sickening connection to Charlie, because it was the right thing to do. At the same time a second force played just as persuasively, the one that lead my heart and told me to stay where it felt good in the moment and to forget about everything else; that eventually everything would work out fine. I knew the route I had to take though, and because it meant I had to hurt her in the short term for the sake of her long term benefit, I needed to brace myself for the blow; the ultimate moment of sacrifice, the moment that was quite possibly the hardest one I ever had to face and conquer. I didn't know if I was brave enough yet, but I sure as hell had to fucking try.

I found the strength to choose with my head when I thought about how I almost lost her. The fright that came with the recollection of her pale and lifeless body cast everything else out and gave me the extra dosage of testosterone I needed to man up to the situation and fight for her life, even though I knew that it possibly meant losing her love in turn. The word loss was multi-faceted. It meant so many things and came in so many different forms all at the same time and when I weighed the outcomes of the two types of loss I was faced with, the choice was clear. I had to choose between losing her love and losing her life, and to me, a lifetime without Bella was much more unbearable than a lifetime without her love. If she lived to hate me it would be the hardest kind of grief that I would ever have to live with, but at least she'd live.

Another thing that drove me to that point of conclusion was the horror of the flashbacks I felt the day she went under. The instant I thought I was losing her, images of my mother and brother attacked me and the grief and despair I had felt when I lost them came back and very literally sucked the fucking air out of my lungs. Another pale, lifeless body of someone I loved before my eyes was enough to make me cry like a fucking baby. The terror riddled through me and threatened to shatter my one chance at life again.

I refused to let that happen. I refused to associate her face with that kind of loss and with that kind of memory. I had to do something about it and I had to do it fucking fast because time was running out and things were getting more and more complicated by the fucking day. I was quite literally on my way out of my mind again as was usually the case with Bella, but this time, I felt myself being pushed past the point of no return and that would have been ugly.

The more I thought about it the more I realized that my head and heart had actually found each other. The mutual ground was my irrevocable love for her. I loved her with my head, I loved her with my soul, with my spirit, my heart, my body and with every fiber of my being and it didn't matter what facet of myself I used to make the decision, every part of me wanted the same thing. I wanted her to overcome and to survive his self destructiveness and to be healed of it. I wanted her to live. Loving someone didn't have to be draining and I wanted Bella to understand that. She needed help and I knew she was stubborn enough to not admit it to herself because in her self sacrificial love for him, she would have thought that helping herself meant abandoning_ him_. I, however, failed to see it that way and because I still had the advantage of cold precision logic on my side, I figured I'd use it for something good.

I hung around the hospital like a zombie after she left on the day of her attack, consumed by own thoughts and struggled with the beginnings of the decision I knew I had to make. I sat in Carlisle's office and waited for him to do his rounds and make countless phone calls and when we left much later on in the day and went home, I asked him to impart his knowledge on Anaphylactic Shock and how it could be linked to alcohol consumption.

I took my laptop into his office when we got home and showed him the log I had created for Bella. He had a hard time trying to wrap his mind around what he had only just learned about her, and as compassionate as I tried to be about his shock, I really didn't have the fucking time to wait for him to adjust. I needed his help and I needed it immediately.

Bella's ability was something that defied every scientific practice he'd ever put faith in. It went against everything he learned in medical school, defied all logic and offered no literal explanation for itself. She was a walking anomaly and I could see that even though he suffered in disbelief, on some level he was also intrigued by it.

He sat in his office in silence for a long time, researching countless online sites and when he couldn't find anything there, he turned to the literature in his hard copy texts for some kind of guidance or explanation for Bella's condition. I watched him frown and mumble to himself for a god awful long time and when I couldn't take it anymore I had to stop him. It didn't matter how many books he read or how hard he looked or how many times he scratched his head; he would never be able to find a logical or scientific explanation for Bella's empathic synergy written anywhere. She was just…Bella.

"You're not going to find anything to make you go '_Ah Ha'_, dad. What you're doing is pointless. _Now_ can we get to my log?"

"This is amazing," he said to me. "How is it even possible? It makes no sense. I've never seen anything like it before. It's not even remotely logical."

"It _is_ amazing, it clearly _is_ possible and who needs logic when you have hardcore evidence staring you right in the face. I think you'll get used to it."

He scratched his head again and squinted at me. "Pain and illness that transfers from one body to the next across thousands of miles the instant it happens to one party….without physical contact. I don't think I'll ever get used to that. I would love to give her a brain scan….."

"_Dad_," I blurted out. "Please…focus."

I opened my laptop on his desk and turned it toward him. "Look at this."

"What is this again?"

"They're her symptoms from Monday to yesterday," I said. "I haven't had a chance to update with an entry for today yet, but I don't think I need to. What can you tell me about it?"

He studied the log in silence for a while and made notes in a notebook at the same time.

"Every symptom here is an effect of an acute allergic reaction to something," he said eventually. "Even the light headedness and the shallow breathing."

"I didn't know that an allergy could affect your breathing like that," I responded.

"Well these aren't regular or common allergic reactions. Her body, well I mean, their bodies….my goodness, _their _bodies," he stopped and shook his head. "They were leading up to shock all week long because whatever it was that caused the allergy in the first place hadn't stopped, so it just got worse and worse. People die from Anaphylactic shock every day. This is quite serious and it could happen again. Charlie could have died…Bella, could have…"

"Ok alright!" I cut him off desperately and pushed out of my chair and away from his desk. A welt of pain tore through my chest and I had to turn away from him in order to steady myself again. "I don't want to go there. Please."

"I'm sorry Edward," he said with a sigh. "I can imagine how difficult this was for you."

I took a deep breath and turned back to him. Of course he could imagine. He'd been through it already.

"You said it's possible to have that kind of allergic reaction to alcohol. Is that true?"

"It's very possible. In fact, the more I read these symptoms the more likely it seems, although he may not actually be allergic to the alcohol itself but rather, an ingredient _in_ the alcohol."

"What do you mean?"

"An allergic reaction to alcohol usually occurs when a person is allergic to a component in the drink, like the grain in beer for instance, grains like hops, barley or wheat. For some people, it's the grapes in wine or the yeast and the histamine that is sometimes added to certain types of alcohol. A lot of times a person develops an allergy to alcohol over time or simply because they've changed their drink of choice, hence introducing a new ingredient that their system isn't yet accustomed to. And when that happens, alcohol is easily overlooked as the predatory allergen because the person is supposed to be accustomed to consuming it without a reaction. If alcohol is the culprit in Charlie's case, what he's actually allergic to is one or more of the ingredients in his drink and not the alcohol itself. Also, there's an enzyme in the human body that breaks down alcohol after it is consumed. The Aldehyde Dehydrogenase enzyme. A deficiency in this in someone's body will cause the flushing that you've seen in Bella. The flushing isn't exactly an allergic reaction, though it's related. So perhaps, Charlie is deficient in that regard."

"What about what you said about her posture, and the neck thing?"

"Those are signs of someone going into Anaphylactic shock. It gets very difficult to breathe and the patient has to straighten his or her back or stretch the torso in order to facilitate easier breathing and because they're straining to take in air, you'll find that some patients use the help of their neck muscles. I've seen cases where patients purse their lips instead, some do both. The other red flag was her pressing down on her knees. Patients do that to help straighten their torso as well. Have you noticed any wheezing?"

"No, but it doesn't mean that she hasn't been wheezing. She's been hiding everything."

After talking to Carlisle I was one hundred percent sure that Bella had gone into shock and that it was Charlie's drinking to blame for it. I took my seat again and dropped my face into my left hand.

"They're not out of the woods yet Edward."

And there it was; the promise of more trouble to come. I shook my head dreadfully and raised forlorn eyes to him as he continued to speak.

"If he doesn't receive proper treatment for his drinking, and soon, it will get progressively worse and he _will_ succumb eventually. So far he's been lucky. His blood pressure is now of critical concern. If he was my patient I'd be monitoring his blood pressure like a hawk. Anaphylactic Shock lowers your blood pressure dangerously and if it's not properly looked after, it can get life threatening and cause septic shock….that's fatal. Bella's blood pressure dropped significantly today as well as earlier in the week when you brought her home after she had fainted. She needs to be monitored constantly, especially now that I know it's not something she can control."

"The hell she can't," I bit out agitatedly. "I'm sure she can push him out of her fucking mind if she wanted to, but she doesn't want to."

It infuriated me. I was so utterly pissed off at the entire fucking situation and I didn't give a shit who knew about it anymore. The whole time Carlisle talked, he kept making references to Charlie and _his_ condition, but all I heard was Bella, Bella, Bella. I didn't care about Charlie. I only cared about how his condition affected her. I knew that his pain was her pain and I knew that if he didn't get fucking cleaned up then my girl was in more trouble than she even realized. I stood up again, ran my fingers through my hair and prepared to face my first challenge for the decision I had made; the challenge of convincing Carlisle. I made eye contact with him and took the plunge.

"He needs to be stopped dad," I said down to him. "He's never gonna stop on his own. This is like an ongoing nightmare that I can't wake up from. I have to get to him."

"And exactly how are you going to stop him Edward? We don't even know where he is."

"Doesn't mean I can't _find_ the prick."

"Absolutely not," he pushed himself out of his chair and squared off with me eye to eye. "Are you out of your mind?!"

"Perhaps."

"Edward," he sighed in frustration and passed his hand over his face. "I understand how passionate you feel about it, and you're right, intervention is necessary, but not you."

"Why the _fuck_ not?" I belted out. "Who else is better than me? There's no one else, not a single cretin on the face of the earth that's more motivated than me right now. Even standing here and talking to you like this is wasting time. He's drinking right now I'm sure, even in the fucking hospital if he could. It's a disease, you know that. He won't stop. He won't stop until he kills her and I swear to you….if that happens and I didn't try _everything_ in my power to do something about it, I'll just die right along with her. I won't be able to survive it dad, not with her, not this time. I can't go through that again."

I started pacing the room restlessly on the everlasting brink of losing my fucking mind again to the relentless prongs of anxiety and fear.

"How can you expect me to just _let _you go on this wild man hunt? You're my son! What about school?"

"Oh come on! School? So I'll miss a couple of days. When I get back I'll get the notes or something. I'll catch up. It's been known to happen and my grades are excellent so don't even try bitching about that."

"Tone your language down with me please and besides, this project of yours won't take just a couple of days. There's no way you can go to Florida, find a stranger without knowing where to start and be back here in a few days. And how do you plan on stopping him by the way, once you find him? You can't force him to make the right decision. He has to want it for himself."

"I don't know, I haven't thought about that yet."

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck tiredly. "What about Bella Edward?"

"What about her?"

"How is she going to deal with the fact that you're leaving, let alone going after her father?"

"I expect that she'll be pissed but it's for her own good." I turned my head up to the ceiling and closed my eyes tiredly with my left hand on my hip. "It'll be hard for her to accept but it's the only way to get her immediate help."

"Do you plan on telling her about your plan?"

"Not right away, no," I answered and turned my back to him. I wasn't proud of my method but it was honestly the only way I knew how to do it, or else the pressure of facing her alone would have made me buckle. "I won't be strong enough to explain it to her face to face. I'll have to tell her after I'm gone."

"Edward," he let out a short humorless laugh. "What are you doing?"

"She'll never let me do it dad," I said and turned on him. "She'll try to stop me and I don't know if I'll be able to deny her."

The slightest glimpse of pain or panic in her eyes would have undone me completely and I couldn't take that chance. I couldn't let her hypnotize me into staying home because of the effect she had on me. It sounded brutal, even to me, but someone had to wake that Charlie fucker up and it needed to happen sooner rather than later.

"_I'll _never let you do it but somehow that doesn't seem to phase you."

"That's different."

"And after you've gone, how do you think she'll cope with the fact that you've just disappeared without a proper explanation?"

"I don't know. It's fucked up, yes I know, but it's really the only way! I'd rather she didn't know about it before hand. It'll be easier to deal with."

"For you Edward. It'll be easier for you."

"Don't make it sound like I'm only thinking about myself. I'm doing this for her, because I fucking love her so much."  
"I can't go along with this," he said and threw his hands in the air while shaking his head. "It's too messy. It will traumatize everybody."

"Fuck everybody. This is about Bella. My mind is made up dad. Who else is going to do this if I don't? That man is over there sucking the life out of her a little more everyday. You've only witnessed a few of her episodes but I've seen a lot more, too many to not have an actual physical reaction to it myself. She almost_ died_ today! You know better than anyone else how fucked up I am because of mom and Marcus. I can't lose her too."

He froze with shell shocked eyes when I mentioned them. It was the first time I had referred to them since the tragedy. Something like sadness fell over his face and he looked down and away from me. I knew it was a low blow and that I was being an asshole by using that pity card against him, but it was true and even though we both knew that he couldn't stop me, I really fucking hoped that he would give me his blessing.

"I hear everything you're saying son," he said and shook his head sadly. "But my answer is still no."

"Carlisle…."

"Edward," he raised his hand to silence me. "You're too close to the situation. I can't let you do something this crazy."

"It's not crazy, it's necessary."

"Call it what you like, but you are my son and I am responsible for you. We'll hire a PI to locate him and maybe once we've found him we can think of something."

"I don't want a fucking PI to do it. What makes you think a complete stranger will get through to Charlie? If he realizes that he's being tracked he'll run. He even said so to Bella. He told her that if he suspects that Esme has sent someone to find him that he'll flee; the fucking prick."

"Watch your language for the millionth time," he warned. "It's too much for me to agree to. You can get into all sorts of trouble out there, plus you're too volatile. You won't be able to deal with Charlie appropriately; and Bella well, that's another story all on its own. You're really going to hurt that girl with this Edward. I've seen the way you are together and the way her eyes follow you everywhere. It's like she's bound to you in some strange, unearthly kind of way."

_If you only knew_, I thought.

"She _covets_ you. It will be too much of a shock for her. She may never forgive you. I don't understand how you can be ok with that."

"I'm not _ok_ with it! _Fuck _no! I know fully well that I may lose her over this. Don't you think I've thought of that like over and over?! But I'll lose her anyway if something isn't done soon. You said it yourself. It's bad. In fact, it may only be a matter of hours before something happens again. Are you willing to take that chance, and force _me_ do it too? If I had to choose how to lose her, I pick _this_ way. I won't let her die Carlisle, not like this."

He took his seat again and covered his face with a hand, so I took the seat across from him on the other side of his desk and stared at him. He just _had_ to see my point and if the only reason he didn't want me to go was because he feared for my safety and because he thought it was crazy, then he couldn't stop me.

I had another hidden motive that made me stick to my decision so blindly. Ever since I learned about Bella and Charlie's connection, I couldn't fight off my curiosity about him. I needed to understand what was so fucking great about him that made her so willing to take on any amount of suffering for his sake. That kind of dedication went way beyond just DNA. There was something psychological involved and I had to see for myself. Maybe if I met the bastard I would just...get it, feel sorry for him too or some shit. There was a selfish part of me that envied him for the kind of undying devotion he had from her and the more I thought about it, the more obsessed I got with the idea of meeting him, and the more withdrawn I got from everything else in my life by the minute.

"You can't tell Esme," I said to Carlisle's unmoving form. "She'll interfere and make it all messy and shit."

"I won't keep secrets from Esme Edward," he answered briskly and even though he still couldn't agree with me, I observed the change in his demeanor. He knew he couldn't stop me and he was trying to adjust his mental faculties to what was happening.

"You only have to keep it from her for a few days," I pleaded with him. "You can tell her everything afterward."

"I still haven't said yes to you," he said with closed eyes.

"Tell you what," I said. "Since you're so afraid for my safety, I'll take someone along with me."

He opened his eyes and shook his head.

"I don't want Emmett involved in this."

"Not Emmett."

He arched an eyebrow and cocked his chin.

"Who then?"

"I know the perfect person. He used to be a bounty hunter, but he quit because of a botched job that got him pissed off with his superiors. He lives like a nomad now and he plays music for a living, kind of trying to live a quiet life, well…quiet in comparison to the bounty hunter lifestyle, but he's supposed to be an excellent tracker."

"And how might I ask are you acquainted with an ex _bounty _hunter?" He threw his hands into the air exasperatedly and rolled his eyes.

"You know that band I play with from time to time in PA?"

He nodded.

"He's the lead singer. His name is James and I actually think he'll love the idea." I was listening to myself as the idea rounded off in my head and the more I talked, the more James' involvement in the situation made sense. He was perfect for the job. "He'll smoke that fucker out of his hole easily. Charlie won't even know it until it has happened."

"How do you think Bella will feel about a bounty hunter going after her father with the intention of _smoking him out of his hole_, as you say? It'll terrify her, especially since it's obvious to me now that you're not exactly fond of Charlie Swan."

"I'll only ask him to find Charlie for me. He will have no part to play in actually dealing with him, so Charlie will be in no danger of being hurt by James. James will leave me once we find him."

"And once you find him then what?"

"When I get to him, I'll know what to do."

He paused again, intertwined his fingers on the desk and pressed them against his lips. He stared at me in serious silence for a long while and when he eventually spoke, it was with conviction.

"Four conditions Edward." I stood up in triumph on realizing that he had given in and fisted my left hand.

"First," he said with a raised index finger.

"Yes," I nodded affirmatively.

"You call me the minute you get down there. You have no choice but to keep in constant contact with me, every single day, no exceptions, or else _I'll_ be coming after you." He put on his stern, no nonsense voice. I nodded.

"Second. When you get back here, I expect you to pass every exam in your term finals or else you'll lose your car."

"What?"

"Yes Edward, you come back in time for exams and you study hard and you pass everything or you lose your car."

"_Fuck_ Carlisle."

"Language," he frowned. "Third."

"Now I don't want to hear anymore," I sighed and fell back into the chair.

"I want to meet this bounty hunter friend of yours before you leave and if I'm not comfortable with him, the deal is off."

"There was never a deal."

"Fourth."

"Fuck."

"You have to tell Bella good-bye and that you're leaving. Don't just disappear on her. Those are my conditions."

The fourth condition swayed me a bit, but he was right. It would be gentler to let her know that I was leaving, however, in the interest of avoiding a monumental fight just before I left, I decided to let her know my reason for leaving afterward.

"Ok. I'll tell her good bye." I answered as I imagined the painful scene it would be for the both of us.

"Good," Carlisle answered.

"Can we bend that condition about finals though? That's right around the corner."

"No car."

"For how long?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. What about your injury? Have you put any thought into how you're going to handle this whole thing with one arm in a sling?"

"I was hoping you'd just give me another shot of Morphine? At least for the trip."

"Edward," he started. "I told you already…."

"Yeah, yeah," I rolled my eyes. "It's addictive and shit, but I behaved didn't I? And I had no adverse effects to it. I managed very well. You also told me that you would have written me a prescription which you didn't. So now would be a good time to do that. I was planning to leave Saturday night right after the dance."

More imagery of the upcoming farewell scene forced its way into my mind and I wondered how it had suddenly come to that. Just a few minutes earlier I was trying to come to terms with my decision to leave and the consequences it would have for my relationship with Bella, but all I could think of since speaking with Carlisle was having to say good bye and if it was possible to look her in the eye and tell her that I was leaving without telling her why. That only made the entire thing harder to face, not to mention the danger of backing out of my plan at the last minute if she said the right thing to me. Undoubtedly however, I would regret that kind of weakness later on if something happened to her because of Charlie and I hadn't tried to stop him.

"You're not driving to Florida by the way," Carlisle broke through my reverie. "You'll fly there and then get a rental to move around the city. I'll leave the ticket open so that you can come home whenever you're ready. I hope this James character is a good driver because I don't want you behind the wheel with your injury."

The list of conditions got longer the more we talked, but in spite of that, he stirred something in me with his support. He didn't like it but because he knew how important it was to me, he gave in. I felt the distinct urge to hug him as I looked into his worried eyes and though I didn't follow through, we still connected.

"I know you Edward," he said and stepped around the desk to rest a hand on my shoulder. "I know how you get when you set your mind to something and I know that no matter how much I protest, you'll do this anyway. I'm just glad you came to me with it first before running off."

I nodded at him, filled with gratitude for his understanding. He _did _know me and unlike other father figures who might have tried to force his arm of authority over me, he put his own wishes aside for the sake of mine and that genuinely moved me. My arm budged at my side, wanting to move in just close enough so that I could follow through with the hug, but I hadn't hugged Carlisle in years and my courage failed me.

"Thank you," I said to him.

"Be careful."

"I will."

"Saturday then?"

"Saturday."

I picked up my laptop when he went back to take his seat and headed for the door.

"Edward," he called after me just as I was about to exit. I turned back to face him. He looked so magnanimous in his chair behind his desk; the very image of calm, respect and confidence even amidst his quiet turmoil; everything that bastard in Florida wasn't, and my heart swelled with pride as I watched him.

"Despite what may come of all this," he began with a pondering frown. "And even though I think this mission is dangerous and potentially damaging for you, I realize that you didn't make it lightly and that you are likely sacrificing something very important to you for the sake of Bella's well being. What I'm trying to say is.…I'm proud of the man you turned out to be."

A huge lump pressed against my Adam's apple then and I swallowed it with a lot of effort. We stared at each other for a few seconds and it felt like the largest leap we had made toward recovery in years. I opened my mouth to speak but all I could do was nod in acceptance as he waved me away with a small smile.

--------------------------------------------------

Saturday came sooner that it should have, like the death sentence I had chosen for myself. Twice that week I almost changed my mind, scolding myself for being a reckless madman and for having considered the thought of leaving her. I felt guilty every time we kissed and hugged, knowing the way I was about to hurt her. I carried around the heaviness in my heart all week long and every time she coughed or sneezed or touched herself in a way that I perceived as unnatural, I panicked and fussed over her. She was nice about it and she tolerated it for the most part, but I knew she didn't like it. I didn't like it either, in fact, I hated it. I was continuously paranoid about her health and I knew that my paranoia would only get worse as time went by.

She grew increasingly dejected as the days passed, because even though I tried to maintain our affection, my guilt kept me at bay. She was intuitive enough to get the sense that something wasn't right and though it nearly killed me, I knew my purpose was bigger than even the two of us.

I stood outside of her house in a suit on Saturday night and took a few deep breaths before stepping up to the door. Carlisle was gracious enough to give me another shot of Morphine straight to my shoulder, knowing the sort of night that I had ahead of me. He met James two days prior to that night and though James was extremely rough around the edges and covered in various forms of body art and piercings, Carlisle consented on the observation that he seemed straightforward, bluntly honest and fond of me. James hadn't attempted to hide anything about himself nor did he play games. He answered all of Carlisle's questions happily then eagerly accepted the dinner offered to him afterward. He yapped as he chewed and it pleased Carlisle to see someone devour his food so ecstatically without caring about appearances.

Carlisle paid for both airline tickets and extended the limit on my credit card for the journey ahead. When he offered to pay for James' expenses for the duration in Florida, James refused profusely saying that it wasn't his style and that he would happily play music to earn extra cash in Florida once his job was done. Carlisle consented on the condition that James accept payment for the job at least and once they agreed on a fee it was settled.

I finally managed to hug Carlisle on Saturday night before I left the house. I had planned to meet James at the airport immediately after the dance and because I knew I wouldn't be seeing Carlisle for a while after that evening, I gave in to my impulse and allowed a moment of emotion between us.

"God speed Edward," he said. "Remember to call me when you arrive and everyday after that."

"I will," I answered him. "Thanks for everything."

"Now go quickly before I change my mind."

"One more thing," he said as he bent over to talk to me through the driver's window. "Whatever you do Edward, please don't hurt the man."

---------------------------------------

I paced the front step in front of Bella's door trying to find the courage for the night ahead. After five minutes of cursing myself and fingering the envelopes in my pocket, I managed to calm down though I was by no means any braver than before. The door swung open suddenly and a very irritated and glammed up Alice tapped a heeled foot on the floor.

"This time I waited," she blurted out. "I sat in there and waited for you to knock on the goddamned door, but you wouldn't! I couldn't take it anymore, so there. Come the hell in!"

I exhaled and shook my head. How the fuck Jasper did it, I didn't know.

"Hey Alice," I called out to her hasty, retreating form and she spun on her heels most indignantly. I took the envelope that said _'Alice'_ out of my pocket and held it out to her. She frowned at it without moving, then raised her eyes to mine and frowned.

"What's that?"

"It's for you."

She took four very slow steps toward me and regarded me with suspicion in her eyes.

"Why are you being weird? What is it?"

I managed a small smile. "I need your help with something. When you read it you'll understand, but read it later please, after the dance."

She folded her arms and dropped her eyes to it, then after a few seconds of just staring at it she grabbed it from me and stuffed it into the purse that was hung off her shoulder.

"It's something to do with Bella isn't it?" She asked.

"Yes."

She pinned her lips together and narrowed her eyes menacingly at me. It was easy to see the discomfort in my expression I guess and when she saw it she stepped toward me and pointed.

"I'll kill you Edward," she said. "I don't have a good feeling about this."

"I just might let you," I replied.

------------------------------

I waited in the kitchen like a nervous boy on his first date and tried to steady my jumpy nerves with some laborious breathing exercises, but despite the progress made, the wind got knocked right out of me again when she entered the kitchen. Something really fucking tight squeezed my heart when I saw her and it was all I could do to keep myself from falling at her feet right there to beg forgiveness for what I was about to do. She looked so fucking incredible that I almost couldn't speak for a while. The dress was long and blue and it fell to the floor in wispy layers. The color made her look pale but the makeup she wore on her face gave her cheeks a blushing, healthy look. Her modest cleavage swelled out partially from the V cut against her chest and the look of it impaired my ability to do anything else but stare like a dumb fucked fool. To top it all off, she had her hair pulled back and the elegant curvature of her neck burned at my fucking eyes so hard that I had to shift them away and busy myself with the corsage I had brought with me.

"You like?" She asked with a giggle. I was thankful for small mercies in that she found humor in my embarrassing reaction to her appearance.

"You're fucking perfect," I answered as I raised my eyes to hers. She smiled in deep contentment and stepped toward me for a hug. Her scent engulfed me when I held her and because I knew that that would be the last night I could hold her for a while, I squeezed her small frame tighter than usual, pressed my nose to her hair and inhaled.

"Morphine?" She smiled and touched my right arm. I nodded and put the corsage on her wrist.

"You ready?" I asked.

"Yup," she smiled. "You look very handsome Edward. I'm glad you made me do this."

I stared at her as thoughts of her possible and impending hatred burned a hole through my heart.

"Let's go."

The drive to Forks' High took half the time it usually did from her house. Not only was I rigid with tension but I had to get away from the intoxicating and distracting smell of her inside of the car. Already I could feel my strength start to wither just by the look and smell of her alone that night. She was quiet for most of the drive and by the time I pulled into the parking lot, her quiet joy from earlier on had turned into anxiety. It so obvious that I could see it radiate off her body. I didn't know what to do with that though. All I could have offered by that stage was one night with me, something remotely touching to remember of our last few hours together, maybe for a while, and maybe forever; depending on what she wanted.

I opened her door for her and took her inside the building. At the door, a snap shot was taken of us and I claimed the photo for myself and put it in my pocket for safe keeping.

"Dance with me," I said into her ear once we got inside. Mike Newton made himself visible almost immediately and when she spotted him, she smiled and waved. He waved back and I glared at him, hating the idea of him trying to get close to her in my absence. I sent him all kinds of subliminal, hateful messages through our eye contact and he turned away quickly and disappeared.

"I'm a terrible dancer," she said to me. She reached my ear very easily in her heels.

"Come on," I coaxed and pulled her against me. "Just one."

The dance was emotionally difficult for me, but she was happy in our embrace. With her arms wrapped firmly around my neck and her face at the side of mine, I could feel her anxiety, though she didn't own up to it or ask any questions. It would have been so easy to just lose myself in the moment and to forget about my plan because it felt unfairly good to hold on to her like that and to have her belong to me, but the pleasure was tainted with the pain of having to leave her and with the unpleasant imagery of the hurt she might suffer because of the type of mission I had in mind. A million thoughts invaded my head and none of them were calming in the least. All too soon I felt the pressure lacerate my control and I realized that making it to the end of the night was entirely impossible.

"Edward, you're shaking," she said and held my face between her hands. I took her both hands in mine and bowed my head. She stepped away from me fractionally and stopped dancing. "What's wrong? You're awfully quiet."

"I might need to go outside," I responded.

"Ok," she said.

I took her for a walk on the campus field. We walked hand in hand and in silence for a while until I found the courage to tell her.

"Bella," I spoke up eventually, just about ready to burst from the build up of anxiety inside of me. She pulled her hand away from mine and stopped walking when she heard the tone in my voice.

"Whatever it is, don't tell me," she said in a horse voice. "I don't want to know. Lie to me if you have to, but I don't think I can stand to hear what I see on your face."

I sighed heavily and reached for her hand again but she stepped backward and folded her arms across her chest.

"I have to tell you. It wouldn't be right if you found out the hard way."

"I said I don't want to know," she said stubbornly and turned her back to me. I wanted to close the space between us and hold her from behind but my intuition told me that it was better for her to be angry than wounded. There was strength in anger and perhaps it would have helped her to cope better.

"I have something for you," I drew the envelope from my jacket pocket and held it over her shoulder. She turned her head to the side and looked down at it, but she didn't take it.

"Am I going to like it?"

"Maybe not."

"Then I don't want that either."

"Damn it Bella," I grunted and shoved my fingers through my hair. She spun around to face me with criticizing eyes.

"Does this have anything to do with why you've been acting strange with me all week long?"

"Yes."

Her chin quivered slightly but then she took a deep breath and raised her chin.

"Are you breaking up with me Edward?"

"No!" I shrieked and grabbed her by her shoulders. The envelope in my right hand got crushed in my clutch. "I am not….I'm not trying to break up with you, far from it."

"Then what is this about? Fine, tell me."

I let go of her and offered her the half crushed envelope again. She took it from me and started to open it right there in front of me but I seized her hands and stopped her.

"Not yet," I shook my head and frowned profusely. "You can't open it yet. Please, save it for when you go home."

"Why?"

"I'd rather you read it after I'm gone."

She dropped her hands to her sides and exhaled shakily, swallowed and shifted her eyes between mine searchingly.

"After you're gone? Why does that sound like….."

"I'm leaving town for a while Bella."

She widened her eyes minutely and caught her breath.

"Where are you going?"

"I can't say right now, but when you read the letter you'll know."

"Why the hell can't you tell me now? I don't understand."

"You will."

"Stop this," she blinked and a tear rolled down her cheek. "Stop being like this. I hate it when you act so estranged from me. You were the one who told me about keeping secrets and then you turn around and do exactly the same thing. Are you trying to get back at me for last week? Are you still angry?"

"Don't be ridiculous," I answered her and shoved my hands into my pockets. "I would never try to _get back at you_ for anything. Look, I know that you're upset about the way I've been acting and I'm not proud of it, but I was dealing with a lot of shit in my head."

"Like what?"

"Bella," I sighed. "Please don't make this harder than it has to be."

"But you're not telling me anything Edward. You tell me that you're leaving town but you won't tell me where you're going or for how long and you expect me to be ok with that?"

"I can't say how long because I don't know how long it will take."

"What?" She took another step back. "You don't know? That has to mean…you'll be gone long."

"Maybe, maybe not."

"You're being awfully vague."

"I can't guess how long Bella. It's complicated."

"Then try!"

_Great_, I thought. _Just the fight I wanted to avoid._

"I'd really rather not fight on our last fucking night together," I grunted and ran my fingers through my hair in irritation.

She blinked furiously but it didn't stop the shower of tears that came springing from her eyelids.

"_Fuck _Bella," I groaned and looked at her pleadingly. "Please don't cry."

"Why do I feel so terrified when you say things like _our last night together_?"

"It's just for a while."

"Edward," she sniffled and sucked in a breath of air. "I'm not upset because you're leaving. I'm upset because you won't tell me why or where or for how long. You're hiding something from me, something very painful and I hate that you feel like you can't talk to me about it, especially after all that talk about us being a team."

"Because talking about it now will only make it worse Bella," I cried out. "Because this is something I have to do and I need the strength to walk away from you tonight with some measure of control. Fuck!"

"Your chest hurts," she cried and pressed her hand against her own chest.

"What?"

"I can feel your chest hurting."

"Of course it's hurting," I tempered down somewhat and gasped for some air. "I don't want to lose you Bella."

"Then don't."

"What happens between us after tonight is entirely up to you, but just know that I love you and I don't want to lose what we have."

An unnatural red color crept into her face then and spread everywhere in just the matter of seconds. I bit down on my jaw and withheld an ugly word as I remembered what Carlisle said about the enzyme deficiency that caused flushing with alcohol consumption. That Charlie fucker was drinking again and the evidence was plastered all over her face. A renewed sense of motivation charged through me right then and I shook my head defiantly.

"He's in your head right now isn't he?" I asked. She stared at me blankly then turned her face away. That was all the confirmation I needed.

"I have to take you home now," I said softly, fighting back the urge to curse Charlie right in front of her.

"I'm not going anywhere," she said stubbornly. "If you have to go, then go."

Willing her to be angry instead of wounded cut me a lot deeper than I expected it to. There was no relief for me from the fire in her eyes and as much as I tried to put my feet into motion, I couldn't move.

"I'm doing this because I love you Bella and you will see that eventually."

"So it's about me then," she answered. I nodded and swallowed.

"My only hope of making it through this is that one day you'll understand and accept it."

I knew she was confused and probably thinking all the wrong things about my feelings for her and her place in my life, but I knew the letter I wrote to her would answer all her questions. I just didn't have the fucking balls to be around her when she read it.

"I'm thoroughly confused Edward and I think you know it, though you still won't explain it to me," she bit out and wiped at her tear stained, flushed cheeks. "You're leaving tonight aren't you?"

"Yes."

"What time?"

"Now."

"Right."

She turned her back to me again and remarkably enough, it was easier to look at her back than at her face.

"Why did you make me come here tonight then? Why the hell did you make me dress up and come to this stupid dance if you knew you were going to leave me here? You knew I didn't care for it."

A sharp pain twisted me on the inside and I winced in discomfort.

"The first time I asked I didn't know I'd be leaving and when I _did _know, I didn't have the heart to tell you. Besides, I thought I could make it through the entire night…but I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because it's too hard. I'm too weak," I exhaled. "And because I'm tormented."

She turned back to face me.

"Oh…_you're_ tormented. That makes it all better. Thanks."

When I had no response for her, she shook her head and turned her face away.

"Edward, just leave."

"I can't leave you out here Bella. I brought you here. I have to take you back."

"I don't want to go anywhere with you right now. Alice is here. I'll go home with her."

"Despite what you think of me tonight, I do love you very much and this is killing me right now."

"Whatever this is," she said.

I grabbed her by her shoulders again and pulled her toward me spontaneously. Even though she didn't push me away, she stiffened her body within my arms and refused to return my affection and I guessed I deserved it. I pressed my lips to her forehead for a few long seconds and when I looked down at her face again she was crying.

"I'll miss you Bella," I choked out and pinched her chin. "I love you."

I turned and hurried away from her then, making sure to pass through the gym to ensure that Alice was around. When I found Alice and she saw the torture in my eyes, she stormed over to me and accosted me.

"Where is she?" She demanded and by the extortionist look in her eyes I realized that she had already read her letter.

"She's on the field. Please hurry," I said and left in a hurry, unwilling to bear any insult she might have had for me. I saw Jasper making his way over to us. I waved to him quickly and made a bee line to my parked car. Carlisle had arranged for Emmett to collect my car at the airport after I'd gone.

I sped the whole way to the airport, though I was early, with a packed duffel bag in my trunk. My breathing was erratic and I gasped as if I'd been running a mile already. I lashed out at the steering wheel and cussed for most of the drive, blinked back tears and swallowed at the obstinate lump in my throat. The most outstanding feeling by far however, was my obliterating resentment for Charlie. I blamed him for it all, for being the hopeless motherfucker that had driven me to that course of action and for being the likely cause of any consequential ill feeling that she might have had for me.

I couldn't wait to find his sorry ass. The obsession planted itself in my gut like a black seed, growing and festering more and more with every second. Every mile away from Bella was a mile closer to him and a mile closer to the avengement of all her pain, and now mine. I intended to be his worst fucking nightmare, the kind he'd never be able to wake from; the kind of nightmare he had given to me.

The fucking Volvo couldn't go fast enough. I mashed down on the accelerator so hard that I almost wedged a hole in the floor of the car. I knew I had to find a way to temper my anger and I prayed that the journey to him was long enough to allow me the time I needed, because if I had ended up face to face with that motherfucker too soon, no force in the world would have been powerful enough to keep me from plastering him all over the nearest fucking wall. What pissed me off even more was the fact that no matter how badly I wanted to hurt him I wouldn't be able to because every blow to his face and gut would make its way to Bella's body.

"_FUCK_!!" I screamed out in livid anger as I realized just how delicate the fucking situation was. That was what Carlisle had meant when he said that I was too volatile for the job.

"Charlie you lucky_ fucking_ bastard," I bit out as I sped through the black night like a raging madman. I shouldn't have been in such a hurry because James wasn't due at the airport yet, but still I hurried because time couldn't take me to that drunken motherfucker fast enough.


	41. Chapter 41 The Reason

I got a few really inpsirational reviews on the last chapter. Thanks a bunch. I loved them. Here we go with 41. After this, you guys may need to be very patient with Bella and with Edward's absence. Lots will happen while he's away, but he returns...I promise ;)

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**Chapter 41**

**The Reason (BPOV)**

_Dear__ Bella,_

_I've known ever since the moment I met you that I don't deserve to have you in my life and maybe this was a long time coming and I tried to ignore what my instincts were trying to tell me all along. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew the time would come when something significant would call on the blackening touch of my hands to disturb the nurturing love in you and now that it is here, I am forced to accept that one way or another I am not meant to have you. Either through your hatred or through your death, I am bound to lose you._

_There isn't much I wouldn't do in this world for your love. I would spite myself and the universe itself if I knew I could have you in the end, but watching you die is not an option and though you may think it is not my place to decide this for you, I am on my way to find your father in an attempt to do whatever it takes to cure you of him. And even if this doesn't work and I lost you anyway, at least I would have tried. I don't know how long I'll be, but I'll take all the time I need to help you, hoping all the while that you will forgive my absence and my mission if it offends you._

_You may think this is a betrayal of your trust and of your heart, and though in many ways it may be, I hope you see eventually that above all it is the very best way I know how to love you. I will admit also that a part of it has to do with my own vanity and an envy that festers in me for your father that I must get out of my system. I am unbearably territorial and for that, I will lose you to no other man's vices but my own, not even if he is your own father. _

_My hope for us is that your love finds its way through your pain and disillusionment, because you will be on my mind every step of the way, my driving force and inspiration; and though I realize that you may reject me on my return, in my heart I will wait for you and I will love you until I die._

_Love,_

_Edward. _

_P.S. The two keys you hold are for Marcus' room and my mother's nursery. Together they are the only part of me which I have kept to myself. Now you have all of me. _

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I fingered the two keys on a single key ring and stared out of my bedroom window into the Forks' night, considering the blunt irony of his words to me. Now that I had all of him, I actually had none of him because he was gone and though every part of me wanted to scream in fury for what he revealed to me in his letter, the grief that struck me when he walked away was even stronger. My initial reaction to it was shock. I was stunned into immobility standing there in the field as I listened to the sound of his retreating footsteps, unable to believe that he was actually walking away from me; and the further his feet took him the more his scent faded leaving me in the vast space alone, unsure and painfully confused. When Alice materialized, I stared at her for a while, dumbfound and alarmed, feeling the urge to both cry and scream at the same time. I didn't know what to do with myself as I stood there, alone with my thoughts, because even with her right next to me, in every way that mattered, now that he was gone, I was alone.

"Let's go home," she said to me with a hand on my shoulder and her touch felt alien to me because it wasn't his hand and already I longed for him in the most grievous way. I was never good at being separated from the object of my love. It was bad enough with Charlie and already after only a few minutes without Edward I could tell that it would be a hundred times worse with him.

I nodded at Alice with wide, hurt eyes, feeling my legs shake unstably underneath the ridiculous gown that she had loaned me, the one I had worn especially for him. I would have opened the letter right then and there but I wanted to be alone with it so that I could react in privacy without needing to hold anything back. It became the most important task suddenly as we walked to the Porsche that his father had bought; getting home to read that letter, the very thing that would possibly determine my state of being everyday from then on.

I locked myself in my room and tore open the envelope with trembling hands ignoring the two little keys that fell out and landed at my feet. It took me seven re-reads before I could put it down and take the keys off the floor, feeling a barrage of powerful emotions attack me simultaneously. Imagine for one moment if you may, having the most significant, dearest part of you vanish without warning into a black hole somewhere so far inside of your soul that it almost doesn't exist, with no indication as to when it might return to you. Imagine feeling so empty and so completely at odds with yourself without that part of you, that everything else in your life you thought was important and necessary now owned the weight of nothing. I would have been pinned under the weight of this new grief if it wasn't for the bitterness that reared inside of me, ever stronger with every passing minute. There were so many things wrong with it and had he talked to me about it first, he would have understood that his mission was actually for nothing. On his blind, one tracked motive to save me from my own father he had failed to see that the only _cure _for my dependency on Charlie was him – Edward himself.

He was the one that had started to make a difference in the way Charlie affected me and though we had a big scare the Sunday before, I knew without a doubt that the longer I stayed with Edward and the closer we got both emotionally and physically, the more progress I would have made. I was confident that over time my love for him would have superseded Charlie's effect on me. After I had experienced him in all his white glory, saving me from the clutches of insanity, I had realized that he was the single most important person to me. I felt him overtake Charlie in my life and that readied me for the possibility of actually acclimatizing myself to the concept of letting go of my connection to my father. That was a gigantic step for me. Progress would have been slow, but it would have happened.

All Edward needed to do was be patient with me, but for some reason he acted as if time was against him and his rush was evident by the tone in his letter as well as in the way he said goodbye at the dance. He claimed to be trying to save me, but I didn't think that I needed saving. What I needed in my life was him. I wondered what would happen if Charlie came on in full force again and Edward wasn't there at my side to lend his quintessence. Without even realizing it, _Edward_ himself had put me in even graver danger, by leaving me alone, heart broken and vulnerable, with no means of shielding myself since my only chance of healing was him.

It went without saying also that I_ was_ in fact offended by the nature of his mission, more so than the rest of it. After everything I had gone through with Charlie and because of him, I felt that if anyone was to go after him, it should have been me. At the very least, I held strong to the notion that Edward should have considered me as an accomplice on his journey seeing that he knew how badly I wanted to find my father and how badly I needed to see him again. I was enraged by his callous reference to him and that resentment was one of the very reasons why I had hesitated to let him into my world and heart in the first place. By the blackness of his own touch, according to _him_, he had given me a reason to worry even more about Charlie seeing that he was out to get him with obvious menacing intent, thereby incensing the connection between Charlie and me ten fold. I knew how Edward felt about Charlie and their meeting worried me because as much as Edward thought he was a force to contend with, Charlie used to be the Chief of Police and he had years of experience dealing with hardened criminals, far less for a teenage hot shot with the temperament of a child.

Then there was my most passionate, territorial and stubborn irritant of all. In my eyes, Charlie was not Edward's to fix.

I stared out of the window with the keys in my hand, dismal, anxious, worried and hurt. In all my fear associated with letting him know the whole truth about my condition the week before, I had never expected anything like this. Something that felt so close to abandonment had never occurred to me. I was somewhat stunned.

I thought about the first line in his letter again, '_I've known ever since the moment I met you that I don't deserve to have you in my life', _and I felt a merciless lump press against the inside of my throat. I wondered what he meant by that and why he would even think something so stupid and ridiculous. It sounded a lot like he had already conditioned himself to losing me, without an ounce of faith in the depth of my love for him. In his repeated reference to my so called impending hatred for him as a result of my anger, or the way he thought he didn't deserve me, or the fact that any option meant losing me inevitably, he hurt me. How could he not know that the sun rose and set on him for me? How could he not know that nothing could ever undo the unalterable love I had for him in my heart? Did he think that I was so weak and so hopelessly naïve in my love for him that I would be so easily influenced by my anger or disagreement with his methods; to the point where I would let my heart be overtook by hatred? _Hatred?_

How could he _ever_ believe that I was capable of hating him, even in the slightest measure? It was that lack of faith in me that cut me the deepest, so ready to accept that it was over between us on account of my own inability to cope with his decision.

The night I had grown to love in Forks looked cruel to me all of a sudden with its laughing moon and peeking stars from behind the clouds, oblivious to my earthly anguish. I turned away from it, not wanting to partake in anything beautiful or uplifting. For the while, I wanted to grovel and curl up on my bed with his cold keys pressed to my chest; my hollow, empty chest, while I listened to the seconds of the clock on my nightstand drag by like hours. And I knew that time would be cruel, just as it had sped along to bring that bitter night to me, it would slow itself to an excruciatingly painful pace to keep Edward away from me for as long as it could.

It was hard to sleep that night with so many haunting thoughts. I cried relentlessly for hours and held myself together in a tight ball, feeling lost and alone, unable to grasp the concept that I was separated from the two dearest people in the world to me at the same time.

The sun rose the morning after with me still awake in full dress and I shook from the chill that seemed to cling to my skin. My eyes finally closed and in what felt like five minutes later, there was a knock on my door. I lay on the bed motionless and stared at the closed door in the deepest recesses of depression, hoping that whoever it was would go away and just let me be. The knocking only got louder.

"Bella," Esme called. "Open the door."

I dragged myself off the bed and over to the door and unlocked it, then returned to the bed unceremoniously. She closed the door behind her and stood by it for a long while in observatory silence. I couldn't see her because I had turned to face the window, unprepared to deal with her overwhelming concern for me, but I knew she was in there and I knew she was staring. All I wanted was the space to adjust to everything in peace and I knew Esme wouldn't give it.

"You should get out of those clothes," she said eventually and I had no response for her. If she wanted me to do it, I would.

"Bella," she said again, sounding closer to me. "Do you need my help to get changed?"

"No," I answered in a hoarse voice, keeping my eyes fastened to the still curtains on my window. I was depressed, not crippled.

"Should I get Alice for you then?"

"No."

She fell silent again then walked around to the side of my bed where she could see my face, and sat. I kept my eyes on the curtain, praying inwardly for the patience to keep myself from pushing her away, though I doubted that I even had the energy to rebut.

"Have you slept at all?" She asked.

"No."

"Bella," she sighed and touched my hip. "Maybe you should get up and take a shower then have some breakfast. If you want to you can return to bed afterward. Tomorrow is school but if you're not up to it, you can take the day off."

I shrugged, because either way it didn't matter to me. I would go or I would stay and it didn't matter what I did or where I went, I would be faced with his ineffable absence. My eyes burned from lack of sleep, but I pushed myself up and nodded at Esme in agreement.

"We'll wait for you for breakfast," she said. "See you in the kitchen."

I took the goddamned shower, but not before dumping the dress and shoes in the bin at the door and steered clear of my reflection in the mirror. I pulled on the first things I found in my drawers and stopped at my door when I noticed Edward's keys on my desk. I couldn't remember leaving them there on my way to the bathroom but I expected that certain things in my memory would be lost in a black hole from then on. That usually happened whenever I got that way.

I stared at the keys for a while with passionless eyes then picked them up and pressed them to my chest again as if I could push them inside to fill the gaping hole in my chest. Eventually I settled for just putting them in my pocket, then I trudged down the stairs to subject my body to food.

Esme and Alice were there, both looking anxious and unsettled. Alice in particular was noticeably upset and when our eyes met she tried to smile but for the first time in all our years together, she was unable to. I took my seat wordlessly and was about to eat mechanically when the sight before me made me keel in sharp vehemence. I pushed away from the table as if it were trying to attack me and grabbed my throat with my both hands.

"I don't want that," I said, staring at the French toast on my plate in horror. "Why did you make that? Get it away from me. Get it _away_!"

"What?! _What is it?!_" Esme reacted in surprise, flashing her eyes between Alice and me in sheer panic.

"Bella!" Alice shrieked, widening her eyes in shock at me. "What's wrong?!"

"I don't want it!" I broke into a fitful rage of tears as I stared at the breakfast on the plate. It grinned at me in mocking silence, arrogant and determined to twist the knife that was already staked in my heart. I lunged forward and grabbed the plate in a moment of irrational abandon and flung it across the kitchen.

"_Bella_!!" Alice screamed. It crashed against the cupboards and smashed to pieces, demolishing the toast in the process.

"Oh my God!!" Esme retaliated when the plate smashed. "What is _wrong_ with you?! Pull yourself together this instant!"

I stood with spread legs and clenched fists at my sides, trembling like a limp leaf as my never ending well of tears gushed out of me. I don't know where the energy came from but I was so livid with rage that everything in my vision turned red and I got the distinct urge to start thrashing the place. My eyes caught site of the toast on their plates too and as if I was suddenly possessed by the ogling demon of French toast, I grabbed for Alice's plate next but she caught my hand and stopped me.

"Bella stop it!" She screamed and pushed my hand away. I started bawling my eyes out, desperate to hurt the French toast and the memory of it that haunted me. Esme ran around the island to grab me from behind and when she tried to hold on to me I pulled away.

"Bella, I think you should go back to your room if this is how you intend to act," she panted. Her voice was choking up like she wanted to cry. Meanwhile Alice stared at me in horror, but it didn't matter how badly they thought they were affected by the change in me, it was me who had to deal with the biggest burden of all, the burden of living in perpetual longing and agony all over again for the second time. I knew I was feeling sorry for myself and I knew that eventually Esme would trip off and drag me back to Dr. Black's office if she thought I couldn't handle it. That thought alone was enough to calm me down momentarily and I turned to face her, nodded then went back to my room where I could shed my woes in privacy; and so that their knocking wouldn't wake me again, I left the door unlocked, though I still closed it.

I slept for the entire day after that and when I opened my eyes again, my room was dark and quiet. Just like that, my first day without him had come and gone and somehow I had made it out alive. I sat up and looked around my room and an overwhelming pang of hunger gripped me. Very lazily, I made it across to the light switch and was surprised to find a covered plate on the floor by the door with a note on top saying:

'_Caution! Before you freak out – it's lasagna. Push it GENTLY into the hallway if it scares you.'_

It was Alice's handwriting and definitely her sarcasm.

I picked it up and rested it on my desk, then sat down and had all of two mouthfuls to appease the growling in my stomach, but the smell of it upset me and I couldn't eat much more than that. After my two mouthfuls I took the plate down to the kitchen, unaware of the time. The moment I got to the kitchen I regretted it and wished I had just pushed the goddamned plate out into the hallway instead of trying to be nice by doing my own dishes. The four of them looked up in surprise when I walked in then shifted into automatic awkward mode with each other as they had obviously been talking about me. It was hard to see them because their beautiful faces and place in his life generated a piteous nostalgia in me for him. Alice stepped forward quickly and took the plate from my hands.

"I see this one made it out alive," she smirked as she took the plate.

"Hey Bellalita," Emmett smiled. I appreciated his attempt at casualness, though I couldn't reciprocate; not yet. It was still too soon.

"Yo," Jasper said, and Rosalie just shook her head with an expression on her face that said '_Tsk tsk tsk….I told you so.'_

I ignored her as Edward would have suggested and even that association in my head hurt. Why I should pay heed to his voice in my head, I didn't know, but it would take a long time to strain him out of my system in order to rid myself of the nostalgia, and until then I had no choice but to respond to his natural presence within me. Rosalie's visual intake of my shoddy appearance made me self conscious and I remembered the day she and Emmett saw Edward and me emerge from his room after our first and unforgettable physical connection with each other. She had said, '_She always looks unkempt,' _and I literally saw her think it again.

I wasn't in the mood to pretend to want to hang out with them. I preferred the solitary confinement of my room where I didn't have to worry about the way I looked or how to act. I waved haphazardly and went back to my room, cursing myself for not following the basic instructions on Alice's note on my plate.

Once I was in my room again I let out an exasperated breath of air, humiliated by the fact that I had turned into the freak show topic of conversation for everybody who knew that Edward had left town. A lot of people would react the way Rosalie did, as if they had expected him to walk away from me eventually and even though they didn't know the truth about why he left, I was certain that they would all assume the worst.

'…_.maybe this was a long time coming and I tried to ignore what my instincts were trying to tell me all along….' _

Wasn't it me who felt that way first though? Wasn't I the one who waited around for the gods to take him away from me because he and I together were just too good to be true? I had thought that the attempt by the gods was made already though, the day I saw the doubt and rejection in his eyes when Esme challenged us about our relationship. I thought that _that_ was the gods telling me that it would never work between us, because his heart was conflicted, and I thought that we had risen above it. I didn't realize that it was still on its way and that the ultimate challenge for us was a very literal and physical separation from each other.

'_And now that it is here, I am forced to accept that one way or another I am not meant to have you.'_

I sighed dejectedly and climbed into bed again as his words rolled around in my head. The sudden knock on the door made me jump and I turned to face it.

"May I come in?" Alice called and without waiting for an answer she opened the door and peeked in.

I looked at her blankly and envied her for her comfortable place in the world. She came in and sat on the edge of my bed, again, without an answer from me.

"Are they gone?" I asked and she nodded. I wondered if they knew why he left, and that he actually went after Charlie and not that he was bailing out on me. I also worried a bit that his actions might have exposed my secret to those who might try to investigate his real reasons for leaving.

"I'm sorry about that," she said. "Maybe I should have warned you that they were here."

I shrugged it off.

"Everybody's so concerned about you," she said and dropped her eyes to my knees that were drawn up to my chest. I rested my chin on them and tried to smile for her.

"Even Rosalie?" I tried to joke.

"Actually yeah," she chuckled. "She's all pissed at Edward as usual, and kind of angry with you for allowing it to happen."

"Yeah, because I saw it coming and just let it happen…sure."

"You know Rosalie."

"No I don't."

"Forget about it. Doesn't matter anyway 'cause none of them know the real truth."

She kicked off her shoes and pulled her legs up on the bed and sat Indian style with her folded legs next to me.

"What happened this morning?" She asked.

I dreaded questions like that one especially because it meant that I would have to talk about Edward and I really didn't want to have to say or hear his name at all. The nostalgia and the twisting blade in my chest wouldn't make it easy. I missed him terribly already and if missing someone could have killed; my condition would have been fatal.

I shook my head and tried to act all nonchalant about dismissing the episode.

"It's ok to talk to me," she said softly. "He asked me to stay close to you while he's gone."

I whipped my head around to her in surprise and widened my eyes.

"What did you say?"

She paused and nodded very slowly.

"Before he left he gave me a letter explaining his decision and in it he asked me to stay close to you. Not that he even needed to ask that. I would have anyway," she sighed. "I don't know if to kill him or praise him for his courage."

Well he certainly had some kind of courage didn't he? I had to see what was in that letter.

"Will you show it to me?" I asked and inclined my body toward hers.

"Will it help you feel any better?"

"I don't know. There isn't much that will make me feel better right now, but I have to see it." She understood easily and patted my knee.

"If I let you see it you have to promise me something first." There was always a bargain with Alice.

I nodded in immediate agreement.

"Promise not to shut me out Bella," she said with a meaningful look in her eyes. "You scare me and when you get like this, I get all paranoid and worked up about you. I know you're a recluse, but you're gonna need someone to talk to and I'd appreciate it if you chose me."

It was nice to have her, but nice didn't appease the aching in my chest. Nonetheless, I was touched by her concern and agreed. Who else would I talk to in any case? It wasn't like I had a string line of best friends knocking on my door.

"On one condition," I said.

"Name it."

"I don't want to hear his name, at all," I swallowed and closed my eyes. "I don't think I can bear to hear it for a while."

"No problem," she smiled. "I'll go get the letter, but….you never answered me."

"About what?"

"About what happened this morning? Why did you freak out like that? Esme almost had an aneurism."

Instinctively I wanted to keep it all bottled up inside where I could seethe and break to pieces in privacy over and over again, but I had just made a promise to let her in and so I had to try. I bit into my bottom lip for a few seconds then spat it out so that I could talk.

"French toast is his favorite," I said. "I don't know what came over me. I just…couldn't stand the sight of it, or the way it made me remember nice things about us."

"Enough said," she said and bounced off the bed. "French toast is henceforth forbidden in this house."

"You can scratch cheese off the list too," I said after her. She turned back and arched an eyebrow. "He likes that too. For some strange reason, it amuses him."

"No cheese," she grinned.

She returned shortly after with a torn envelope in her hand and I took it when she held it out to me.

"I'll leave you to it. Call me when you're done," she said. It was great the way she knew to leave me alone with it. That kind of intuition would work in her favor if she wanted to stay close to me.

"Return it when you're done by the way. It's criminal evidence and I need to keep it safe."

"I will," I agreed with a smirk.

After she left I turned it over in my hands a few times and tried to build up the courage to read it, not entirely sure if the butterflies in my stomach were an indication of anticipation or dread. As soon as I pulled the folded page out of the envelope my cell phone rang on my nightstand and made me jump in surprise. I was so jumpy all of a sudden. An acute sensation of Charlie filled me then and I sighed in relief as I grabbed at it and answered in a hurry.

"Charlie," I answered with restless and unfocused eyes. It felt like forever since I had last spoken to him and he never called back after he spoke briefly with Edward in the hospital on the Sunday before.

"Um….Bella…?" He gasped breathlessly into the phone. The desperation in his voice was clear and I immediately shot into alert mode and wondered if the call had anything to do with Edward, though I knew that Edward couldn't have possibly gotten to him that fast. I thought about warning him but what happened right after threw me completely off track. I straightened myself and pressed the phone to my ear without realizing that Alice's letter had fallen from my hands to my side.

"Yes Charlie," I answered him. "What's the matter?" I knew he was physically ok because there was no gap in my head belonging to him and no discomfort in my body besides the pungent yearning for Edward in my heart.

"Bella?!" he shrieked. "Bella is that you?!"

"Yes, Yes, it's me! What! What!"

There was a strange scratching sound in the background and it was obvious that he was outdoors because of the blaring car horns, whooping wind and distant chattering of voices.

"Charlie? Are you there?"

"Yes I'm here…"

"What's happening? You sound pretty wired."

He paused and I waited anxiously.

"Tell me it won't hurt Bells," he groaned in a muffled voice.

"Wha…what won't hurt? Charlie what are you doing? Where are you?" I jumped off the bed and started to walk aimlessly about the bedroom.

"Tell me…that it WON'T HURT YOU!"

I broke out in an instant sweat and grabbed on to the top of my head with my free hand. My heart started to race in my chest and I kept glancing at the open door to see if anyone was nearby. I didn't like the way he sounded and I figured that I might need assistance dealing with him this time. He sounded scary enough to raise every pore on my body.

"I can't tell you that if I don't know what you're talking about Charlie. Please calm down and explain everything. I have time."

I tried really hard to sound calming but the trembling in my voice betrayed my nervousness. I monitored him with my mind for any hint of his gap but he wasn't in my head.

"Something's going to happen," he wailed. "I need to brace yourself."

"What?! What's going to happen?!"

"I can't do it anymore Bella!!" He screamed at me. "I've tried and I can't! I have to get out…I NEED to get out but first I need to know that you'll be ok!"

"Oh my God," I uttered in a grief stricken voice. I grabbed my throat and took a deep breath. "Daddy? What's going to happen that could hurt me? Why do you need to know that I'll be ok? If you tell me…maybe I can answer you."

He didn't answer right away but I could hear his heavy panting on the other end. I squeezed my eyes shut and my hands started to shake so badly that it was getting harder to hold my phone in place. I tried real hard not to cry but the reality of what I thought was happening was too horrifying for that kind of control.

"Charlie!"

"Tell me Bella. Tell me that you can shut it off."

"Shut _what_ off….? NO!" I turned to the door but I was still alone and when I heard someone scream on Charlie's end I grabbed onto my chest and sucked in a deep breath of air.

"But you said…" he cried. He was crying now. "You said that it doesn't go past a certain line between us! You said that…."

"Stop it! What are you doing?! Where are you?! What are you talking about?! Please don't do anything stupid!! You're scaring me!"

I was wild with panic and no matter how many times I clutched various parts of my body, nothing absorbed my anxiety. I knew he was trying to get me to say that if he died I'd be ok and that his death couldn't transfer to me. I just _knew_ he was trying to get me to give him the ok to hurt himself. He didn't have to say it. It was obvious, and as the truth tore through the distance between us and catapulted itself into my bedroom, the weight of it took me straight to the floor and phased every other concern I might have had before then to non existence.

I heard another distant scream through the phone lines and the voices in his background grew to a loud, catastrophic din.

"Don't you come fucking near me!" Charlie screamed at someone. "I'll fucking do it! I will!"

"Oh my God!" I shrieked and put my face between my knees. My head started to hurt from the stress and for once the goddamned headache was actually my own. Since when did he swear like that anyway?

"Bella, you still there?"

"Yes Charlie, I'm here."

"You have to remember what you told me. It's very important that you remember it right now sweetheart. You said it's only an impression and that my reality is never really yours. Tell me again. Tell me that you'll be ok….if something happens to me."

"Something like what Charlie! Something like what! What! What!"

Someone on his end screamed again, a high shrill scream like they were being terrorized by the most horrifying sight and every time I heard one of their screams I gasped and lost the air in my lungs.

"_Don't do it?!" _I heard someone scream from afar.

"_Somebody stop him!_"

I almost blacked out from the trauma. My entire body was shaking so vehemently and the perspiration in my palms made the phone slippery and hard to hold.

"Charlie," I pleaded. "Daddy, _please_.…you're not making sense." Though, he made perfect sense and I hoped that above all else his call was a plea for help, his SOS, rather than a way of finding endorsement for his planned act. I needed to find the strength to give him what he really needed and not what he _thought _he needed from me; namely, the ok to hurt himself.

"Just tell me Bella!" He shrieked. "Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm asking you."

The screaming and commotion in his background became more prominent and I thought I even heard wailing from some people. It was obvious too that all the noise and commotion on his end was because of him but little did they all know that being the center of attention would only make him withdraw further and was the least effective way of getting through to him; and that in itself confirmed that his call to me was actually an SOS. Charlie hated attention and crowds and if he really wanted to kill himself he would have done it quietly, not in public where he would draw attention to himself. That however, didn't appease me one bit, because he was still somewhere out there, with the apparent intention to do something radical enough to scare whoever those people were in the background. It also occurred to me that since the divorce, the person I had been talking to sporadically sounded less and less like my father, and maybe this new person inside of him was capable of just about anything. I couldn't take any chances. I squeezed my eyes closed even tighter on the floor and tried to be calm because he needed calm and it would be the only thing to drown out the chaos on his end.

"I loveyou so much Charlie," I said to him, deliberately ignoring his request. "Even if nothing else matters, I love you. I know you feel lost and alone and like everything is working against you, but I feel that way too. I wish you would call me more often or accept my calls at least, so that you wouldn't have to feel so alone. Talking to me might make you feel better."

"I don't want to feel better," he sobbed. "I don't want to feel anything at all. I don't want to _feel_. I'm so _fucking_ tired of feeling. I want it to stop. I just wish there was nothing but silence."

I raised the mouthpiece of the phone away from my lips so that he wouldn't hear me cry, because he needed me to be strong and besides, he hated when I cried. I think it irritated him lately and the last thing I needed was to irritate him right then. He was so fragile.

"Oh _God_," I gasped silently and sucked in a deep breath as I raised my head and eyes to the ceiling.

"Charlie? Do you remember the time Alice fell off her bike…I think it was in fourth grade? She busted her head and needed stitches."

He didn't answer, but I knew he was there because I could hear his breathing.

"And the cut was so big that…" I took another breath and swallowed. "…in order to stitch it, they had to shave a lot of her hair off. She cried and cried because she had to cut her long hair and she thought she looked ugly with the bald patch. She never grew it out again after that, but do you remember what you did?"

He still didn't answer but his silence was a good indication that he was paying attention to what I was saying and that I had distracted him somewhat.

"You shaved your head too," I answered myself. "And she didn't feel so bad anymore because you told her that your bald spot was even bigger than hers."

"It was third grade," he grunted eventually. "Not fourth."

"OK," I gasped and nodded. "Third."

"Fuck!" He gasped and the phone line got muffled as all sorts of scratching and gagging sounds came through. His audience screamed in unison then and I almost dropped my phone.

"Charlie?"

"_He almost fucking fell!" _I heard someone scream_. "His foot just slipped! Jesus!"_

"Charlie?!" I cried again.

"I'm here!" He gasped in a frightened, breathy voice. "I'm still here."

"Um…remember when Leah died the first time?"

"The first time?"

"Yeah. You didn't want to upset Alice and me, so you bought us another parrot that looked just like her."

"You _knew_ about that?" He asked and the resemblance of a conversation comforted me minutely.

"Of course we knew Charlie," I snorted. "Sam never got along with her after that…well him, because the new Leah was actually a boy but you didn't know that. Sam and Leah fought constantly in that cage until Leah died again in one of their fights. But you got it right the third time with the new Leah. She was actually a girl and though Sam didn't fight with her, he didn't like her very much 'cause he knew it wasn't the real Leah. Besides, she had red in her wings and the first Leah didn't."

"Huh? How the hell did you know about all that?"

"It's not hard to miss a dead large bird in a cage when you come home from school before your father comes home from work."

"Oh."

"I love that memory of you. That was one of the most considerate things you've ever done for Alice and me."

Trying to compliment him directly turned out to be a bad idea however, even if it was the truth, because he got defensive almost immediately and worked himself up again.

"None of that matters anymore Bella," he said. "All that shit means nothing now."

"It means everything!"

"To you maybe, but not to Alice and…..what the fuck?! Get your fucking hands off me you prick….I'll fucking kill you!! Get away from me…get the fuck….NO! NOOO!!"

"Charlie?! Daddy!!! CHARLIE TALK TO ME!!"

"_I got him!" _A man yelled.

"The fuck you do!" Charlie screamed.

"_Dude, you're way too angry to be suicidal. Shouldn't you be beating the crap out of somebody instead?" _The man said as he struggled with a panting and gasping Charlie.

"CHARLIE?!" I screamed.

The line went dead after that and I was left gaping at the floor in a bout of panic.

"Bella?" Alice said from behind and I whipped around jumpily and stared at her in horror. The expression on her face was distorted. She ran over to me on the floor and tried to hug me but I jumped up and went into action.

"Where's Esme?" I asked and fled to the hallway toward Esme's bedroom.

"She went to Carlisle's ten minutes ago."

I spun back around to her as she followed me.

"Alice," I gasped and shook my head in horror with tears in my eyes. "I think Charlie…he just tried to…he tried to kill himself."

She stumbled backward with a shocked look on her face and shifted her eyes flittingly between mine.

"And?!"

"And I don't know. It sounded like someone got to him but then the line went dead."

"Did you try calling him back?" Alice asked and folded her arms protectively over her chest. She tried not to care and to be all calm and calculating about what I had told her but I saw the hint of panic in her eyes. I dialed Charlie's number as I walked into my room again and by some miracle, the line opened after only two rings.

"Hello," a male voice said breathlessly. "Who is this?"

The chaotic and noisy scene opened up again. It was much louder than before and I felt nearer to everything as opposed to the distant effect of the fading voices in the background like before. There was a hell of a lot of static but I managed to hear the sound of a siren and it made my heart lurch in dread.

"Who's _this_?" I responded.

"Are you the person that man was just talking to up on the roof?"

"Yes," I gasped with closed eyes as I prepared myself for the worst, although the fact that he had Charlie's cell meant that it wasn't splattered somewhere on the ground. "I'm his daughter. Please tell me what happened!"

"We just got him down. He's fine. The ambulance is taking him now….," he said, but sure enough and because actually getting through to someone was just too good to be true, the static monster attacked and I couldn't hear anything he said after that. The line got scratchy.

"………hand over the phone," I heard him say.

"What?" I yelled. "The ambulance? Is he ok? Where you the one who got him down?"

His voice came and went but all I heard was various version of mush.

"…..ma'am…..something, something……go……not…….wouldn't have……something….his legs……..ok?....his phone….something….Bye now."

"Wait! I can't hear anything you're saying! What's wrong with his legs? Where are you right now?"

The line went dead again.

"Goddamn it!" I screamed and tossed my phone onto the bed. Alice dropped her weight on the bed and waited for me to inform her. I paced the floor in frustration and grabbed my hair at the sides of my head.

"Well?" She asked.

"I think he's ok, and by ok I mean alive," I grunted. "The only thing I managed to get was that the ambulance was there and something about his legs and his phone."

As soon as I said it, I stopped pacing and both Alice and I looked down at my legs at the same time.

I wobbled them slightly at the knees and bit into my bottom lip pensively.

"His legs look fine to me," Alice noticed. I raised my eyes to hers and exhaled and she looked at me questioningly.

"I guess so," I said and fell back onto the bed next to her.

I stared up at the ceiling, still wound up from what I had just gone through with Charlie and the only thing that comforted me was the fact that he didn't succeed at what he wanted to do; though it was quite possible that he might try again. I rolled over onto my stomach at the thought, buried my face into my mattress and screamed a muffled scream. When I was done letting it all out, Alice rested her hand on my back and sighed.

"You know what I think?" She said.

"What?" I grumbled into the mattress.

"I think Edward better find him fast."

I flung myself over and pushed up sideways on one arm. We stared at each other for a few wordless seconds and then she continued. I felt a noticeable pang in my chest at the sound of his name, but I pushed it away and tried to focus on what she was saying.

"Charlie's a train wreck Bella," she said. "He didn't do it today, but I'm sure he'll try again. He won't stop until something terrible happens. He'll kill you, you know. He'll do it by accident, but he'll do it."

I turned my eyes away from her and sat up straight next to her.

"I don't want to think about that," I sulked.

"But you ought to," she said and got to her feet. "I never thought I'd say it but, Edward's right."

She bent over and picked up her letter off the bed and handed it to me.

"Read it," she said then turned and walked away. Before she exited my room, she turned back at the door and stared over my head at my window.

"You know. When you told me that he tried to kill himself I panicked, but it wasn't for him. It was for you."

"Alice…"

"I don't want to see you hurt anymore Bella. I really can't stand it."

She left quickly after that and shut the door behind her. I stared at the closed door and fingered the letter in my hand as a fresh batch of hot tears scalded my cheeks. I pulled my legs up onto the bed and turned around on it to face the window. It was completely black on the outside and for a while I sat and stared through it and thought about the sound of the Volvo that would usually come through the window and alert me that had arrived. I lay down after that and wiped away the tears as my crying ceased. It would have been ideal to have him right next to me then. I needed his comfort and I needed his affection and without it I was just a well of overflowing emotion and confusion. I caught sight of my cell at the foot of my bed next to my feet and I wondered why he didn't call since he had left. A whole day and part of a night had passed and he hadn't called. I thought about calling him instead, but my nonsensical pride got in the way. I wasn't the one who left; he was, so rightfully he should have been the first to establish communication. I hated feeling like I was pining after him while he was out there, busy, engaged and completely distracted from thoughts of me.

With one last sigh and with brisk fingers, I unfolded the letter and began to read.

-------------------------------------

_Alice,_

_You may consider this a breech of our verbal contract, the one where I promised to never hurt your sister, but sometimes we need to hurt the ones we love in order to help them, especially when they are blinded and cannot see their way out of danger. The situation between Bella and your father has become larger than anyone of us involved and I have to, by any means possible, find him and stop him from inflicting pain not only on her, but on all of us who love her. I am writing to you to ask for both your pardon for any pain I may cause along the way, as well as for your assistance._

_She will need you. She tries to be strong and she tries to carry the weight of her crosses on her own but she is more vulnerable than she thinks. I hate having to damage her trust in me but I love her too much to witness her suffer at the hands of someone else, far less a man who is as careless with her well being as your father is._

_It was hard to adjust to from the very start, but now it has become intolerable. She will need to be monitored closely because as you might know, she tries to hide and ignore her symptoms of his attacks. The moment you observe any hint of illness or oddity in her behavior, please, do not hesitate to contact Carlisle and get him involved. He knows about everything and he is on standby and waiting to help._

_I realize that this may be hard to forgive, for you and especially for her, seeing that I am on my way to confront the one man that I may never match up to in her eyes, because she is so passionately devoted to him. I realize also that I may very well lose her trust and her love over this, but her life is more important to me than even the state of my own heart, and if I have to bear that loss to see her live a healthy life free of his disease, this is what I have to do. _

_I hope I have your support and if I don't, I understand._

_Edward._


	42. Chapter 42 Hit me with your best shot

**Chapter 42**

**Hit me with your best shot (BPOV)**

The second day was even worse. I had nightmares all night long and everyone one of them ended up with Charlie dead. The most vivid one I remembered had the body of a monster with Charlie's head on it and as usual I was trying to run after him but my legs wouldn't cooperate, they felt like lead and then they failed on me completely and refused to move altogether. I screamed after him to stop and then to my everlasting horror the monster with Charlie's head turned on me and started chasing after _me_ instead. At first I was confused and I stood there frozen, gaping at the advancing thing with wide eyes and my jaw dropped, then a hair-raising fright gripped me when I saw Charlie's face transform into something nasty and inhuman with red eyes and fangs.

It wasn't Charlie anymore, or was it? I pushed up into the air because my feet had refused to move and I started flying, pretty much like what happens in all my dreams. I can never run in my dreams. While pushing through the air, I looked down and tried to keep track of the large writhing thing that stretched and gnawed upward to grab me. I begged him to stop, begged him with my screaming voice to turn back into Charlie because I knew that he was in there somewhere. When he couldn't reach me, he stopped and arched his back until the bones in his spine cracked with a sickening pop. He bent his head and raised his long snake like arms and let out the most shattering, agonized, blood chilling scream before jumping off the edge that suddenly appeared out of nowhere. He plunged down into the pit of red howling fire, screaming my name the whole way down. My body fell to the floor at the edge of the cliff and I screamed down after him with tears as red as the fire spurting from my eyes, realizing only after that I was crying something that looked a lot like blood. Just before he crashed into the licking, violent flames, the monster's head changed back into Charlie's face along with the rest of its body and he looked up with saddened, guilt ridden eyes in the last second before the red engulfed him and he was gone.

"_CHARLIE!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!" _

_-------------------------------------------------_

I fell onto the floor in my room and woke up in a sweat, panting and crying and screaming his name. The light in my room flicked on and both Alice and Esme ran in and grabbed onto me at the same time.

"_Bella!_" They screamed in unison.

"Oh my God!!!!!" I screamed against their bodies clutching to them both in desperation. "He's going to try to kill himself again! He'll do it! He will!"

"It was just a dream! It's over now…you were dreaming Bella!" Alice shrieked.

"No! It's not a dream! It's real, it's real!!! He's a monster isn't he?! He's not Charlie anymore!!"

"Ssshhh baby," Esme soothed and pushed Alice off of me so that she could hold me and guide me back to my bed. "Bella, you're awake and you're alright. Alice, please get her some water."

Alice ran out of the room hysterically while Esme pushed me back down against my pillows and pushed my sticky hair out of my face. My mouth felt dry but my face was properly drenched. I wiped the tears away with my hands then suddenly remembered my bloody tears in the dream and sat up frantically to inspect my hands. With a sigh of relief I fell back on my pillows and closed my eyes.

"Feeling better?" Esme asked.

"No," I cried. "I'll never be better. I'm not meant to be better."

"You must never say things like that. Of course you'll get better," she said as she stroked my hair. "You just have to want to get better Bella."

"He tried to kill himself mom," I said forlornly. "Why would he want to do something so awful? It doesn't have to be like that for him."

"He's very sick," she answered emotionally. "He can't help himself anymore, not even if he wanted to. He needs to get professional help, for his sake and for yours."

My muscles felt exhausted from being wound so tight and I had to flex my fingers in and out and take a few deep breaths in order to calm down properly.

"I don't think I can take it anymore," I said softly. "I'm a horrible person for saying it or for even thinking it but I……"

"Now you wait just a second," she snapped and turned my face up toward her with her both hands. "You will _never _be a horrible person for wanting to take care of yourself. You have a right to your own health and to your own life Bella. You've been holding on to him like this for so many years that you've begun to believe that there's no other way. You've done your time with him. You can't help him anymore. He's determined to destroy himself and it's not fair to you to have to suffer like this all the time because of it."

"But_ mom_!" I cried. "He needs me. If I wasn't like this he'd probably be dead already. You now that I've been able to help in the past."

"Still, you've done your part Bella. This shouldn't be your cross to carry. His illness is his and _only_ his. Things may have been different if he wasn't so self destructive and if he took better care of himself, but as long as he's as damaged as he is, he will only cause you pain. It's time to face the truth before it's too late. You've done all you can and it's too much now. It's gone too far."

I tried to look away from her but she held my face firmly in place. I hated when she made sense like that. Everything she said was true and it stung because the truth had a way of stinging, but even though I knew she made sense I couldn't overcome the stubborn nature in me so I closed my eyes to try and shut her out.

"Bella," she said. "Bella look at me."

My head felt like it was splitting in half and as much I wanted to argue with her, I didn't have the energy.

"Don't you think that if he really cared about you he would try to help himself? He knows how badly you are affected by him. He would have checked himself into rehab a long time ago if he did, but instead he has chosen to run and hide from it."

"He does care about me," I glared up at her with wet eyes. "He loves me."

Alice came in then and handed me the glass of water.

"Here," she said as she sat on the bed.

"No Bella, _I_ love you," Esme said. "And even if you have to hate me for telling you what you need to hear or for doing what' I think is best for you, so be it. I won't stop until the truth sticks in your head and you accept it."

"Drink it Bella," Alice said softly and indicated to the glass in my hand. I raised my head, sipped a little then handed it back to her.

It was completely unfathomable to even consider the thought that Charlie didn't care about me enough to help himself. It wasn't even supposed to be about me. He was the one who was sick. All I did was put up with the spill over effects of his pain, and what they all failed to appreciate was that if things seemed to be so bad on my end, it had to have been ten times worse for Charlie; but nobody cared about Charlie and somehow that made me feel even sorrier for him.

To make matters worse, missing Edward had a compound and negative affect on my ability to deal with Charlie's pain. I had gotten so conditioned to having him around whenever things got bad that facing anything without him, even when he got fussy and paranoid in the process, made everything seem unbearable.

"What am I going to do?" I groaned and sat up to put my face between my knees.

"What do you mean?" Esme asked.

"I can't even say it…"

"Try," she said soothingly and rubbed my back.

"I don't want to be selfish," I complained.

"You're anything but selfish. I told you already," she said sternly. "Wanting this nightmare to be over and looking after yourself is not selfish, it's your right. Self preservation is the first and most basic human instinct. Find it in yourself."

"I hear everything you're saying Esme, but I can't help the way I feel about it."

"What is that makes you feel selfish then?"

I rocked back and forth slightly and thought about my words carefully.

"Perhaps I _do_ want to control it now, but what if I can't?" It wasn't like me to say those kinds of things out loud. It wasn't even like me to feel like that, but the monster in my dream with the crazed eyes terrified me and for the second time, I was genuinely afraid for my life. Of course I battled with the feeing because I had always vowed that I would never make it about me and that his well being should always be first, but then again, he'd never tried to take his own life before. That incident changed something in me. The change started happening the Sunday before when I felt like I was being sucked into an eternal and unnatural hole of blackness; when Edward had saved me. I had felt like Charlie had crossed some kind of line and instinctively I wanted to get away from him. His suicide call gave me an additional push toward self preservation, as Esme called it, because more than ever before I felt like I had something new in my life to aspire to, something with Edward.

I saw relief in Esme's eyes, but she tried not to be obvious or over zealous about it.

"It's a step in the right direction and you don't have to do it alone. We want to help."

"Ok, let's try not to get carried away please. It was just a thought," I grunted.

She sighed and put her hands in her lap.

"You know Bella. I have to say that I wasn't convinced on Sunday when Edward declared his love for you."

The sound of his name twisted something in my chest and I had to sit back and fold my arms tightly across my chest to absorb the discomfort.

"I thought that you were being crazy and misguided and confusing infatuation and lust even, for love and sure I noticed the way you look at each other and the way he's always so attentive to you……"

"Oh for crying out loud Esme," I groaned and fell back on my pillows in exasperation. "Are you trying to finish me off for the night? Really?! Because the nostalgia alone will kill me."

"But," she continued. "I have to say that now…I'm convinced. What he's doing right now, out there, for you, says so much more than anything he said to me that day, which wasn't much by the way and a bit too colorful for my taste."

"Are you done?"

"No. I see how much he loves you and I pray that your love is worthy of his, because you're going to need to get past yourself and forgive him for any hurt you may experience by the time it's over."

I sat up in a fury when she said that and glared at her straight in her eyes.

"Oh please Esme," I grunted. "All of a sudden you're supportive of him and me. Now that he's gone. Now that I'm alone. Now that he's going after your ex husband to "fix" what you've wanted to "fix" in me for so long….because _he's_ doing the dirty work and because you _hate_ Charlie so much. This is like redemption for you isn't it? As much as I may feel slightly inclined to be_ healed_ like you all say though there's nothing wrong with me, _you _need to understand that nothing will ever change the way I feel about Charlie. Do you even realize how terrifying this is for me? Do you even know what Ed……what _he_ is capable of? I swear to god, if he hurts Charlie on the farce that it's for _me_, I will NEVER forgive him."

She and Alice stared at me in silence for a while until Esme sighed and stood up.

"Well, stubborn was always your most resilient characteristic," and she turned to leave. "But regardless, you always do the right thing in the end. You need not be so territorial with Charlie, Edward is trying to help you and I think you know that."

"I'd like to be alone now please," I grunted and lay down again.

The hollow pain in my chest bucked rebelliously when she said his name again and the fact that everyone was on his side automatically without the slightest hint of concern for Charlie really ticked me off. I was so angry all the time and I knew that part of that anger had to do with the fact that I was left behind to wait, not just on Edward, but for news of Charlie's survival of Edward as well.

When Esme left I looked down at Alice who sat near my feet on the bed.

"I need painkillers," I said to her. She arched an eyebrow and started to smile.

"Why?"

"For my headache."

"Do you realize how long it's been since you've asked for anything like painkillers?" She grinned.

"And why is that so amusing?"

"Because it means you have your own headache. Finally!"

"You're even worse than she is," I grumbled and turned on my side.

"Temper, temper," Alice chirped and got to her feet. "I'll get you some."

She came back with two small white pills on a napkin and the same glass of water from before.

"I hope it helps," she said and bent over to kiss my forehead. "Good night Bella and don't worry, we're just one scream away."

"Ha, ha," I grumbled sarcastically.

She chuckled, watched me swallow the pills, then turned off the light and left.

The morning after, I awoke in a terrible mood. I hit the alarm clock so hard that I knocked it to the floor, causing everything on my night stand to go down with it. I pulled myself up begrudgingly to clean up the mess, still feeling sore in the head and spotted the CDs Edward had given me on the floor. While picking up the random bits of paraphernalia I kicked the CDs under the bed so that I wouldn't have to endure the yearning and nostalgia for him every time I saw them.

His letter to Alice held no element of surprise. There were no secret clues or hidden messages in it that I had hoped to find. The fact was, just as he had written in mine, his mission was to find Charlie and to stop himfrom hurting me. I think I would have been more accepting of the idea if I had thought that some part of Edward's journey was about helping Charlie too, instead of just a crazed attempt to catch him as if he was a criminal of some sort; and even though I knew that it was his love that drove him to his decision, it was still too soon be properly open minded about it.

I got my cell off the floor next and checked for any missed calls from either of them and though there were none, I saw a text message notification. I started chewing on the insides of my mouth with the device held firmly between stiff fingers. I knew the message was from Edward because Charlie never texted me and if Alice or Esme had something to say, they would have just come to my room. Without another second's hesitation, I accepted the message and read with hasty eyes.

'_I haven't called U yet cause I'm afraid that the sound of ur voice may make me abandon my mission. I'm not very strong right now. Please understand. Have a good day.' _

"Have a good _day_?" I grunted out loud. "Well since you asked so politely."

I purposely kicked the alarm clock that was still on the floor in frustration and stubbed my toe in the process.

"Ouch!" I yelped, and hopped on one foot while clutching the throbbing toe. "Ugh!"

That made my mood even worse. I utterly detested knocking and bouncing myself all over the place and it happened a lot when I was as irritated as I was.

"Just perfect," I bit out through clenched teeth and flung my phone onto the bed.

Alice poked her head into my room after a brief knock on the door and I dropped my foot and threw my hands in the air.

"What's the goddamned purpose of knocking if you never wait for me to answer?!"

"School today?" She smiled, ignoring my antagonism easily. She was _way_ too used to my mood swings.

I let out a sharp breath of air and brushed passed her to the bathroom.

"Well since my choices are hell or hell, I guess I'll go to hell," I grunted.

As much as the idea of school mortified me, staying home alone with my thoughts all day would have been excruciating, so school it was.

"Very profound," she replied flippantly as she followed me into the bathroom. I turned around to face her indignantly.

"When he asked you to stay close to me I don't think he intended for us to shower together as well," I said and shoved her out of the bathroom.

"Push me again and I'm making you French toast for breakfast with cheese on the side," she yelled at me from the other side of the closed door.

* * *

Pulling into the parking lot at Forks' High was just as bad as I expected it to be. Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie were propped against Emmett's jeep in their usual positions waiting for Alice, and the portrait of them together was enough to make my stomach churn. He would have been there with them too with his head bent, his hand shoved into his pocket, his right arm in a sing as of late on the inside of his black leather jacket; and his feet crossed at this ankles. I found the spot on the jeep where I guessed he would be standing and I could have sworn that I saw him materialize out of the thin air and raise his head to find me. My heart stopped along with my breathing as his lips curved up lazily on one side and just as he started to walk over to me with his long strides, Alice's voice shattered the image.

"Are you getting out?" She asked.

I gulped awkwardly and pushed the door open with more force than was necessary. Jasper was there already when I stepped out and surprisingly enough, when he touched my shoulder and smiled I didn't feel the calm that his neutrality usually offered. He was just another reminder of Edward.

"Mornin'," he said.

"Hi Jasper," I answered and started making my way toward the building hurriedly. I hated the _"Poor Bella"_ in his eyes and I also wanted to avoid his make out session with Alice that was sure to happen right next to me if I let it.

"Hey, you coming to lunch?"Alice called after me.

"Sure," I called back over my shoulder.

That day was like my first day of school all over again. People stared at me and whispered rather indiscreetly, others laughed and snickered when I passed. That would never have happened in school back in Phoenix. People had lives to tend to back there and were terribly bored with the likes of me.

"Watch where you're going Swan," a girl retorted when I bumped into her in the hallway on my way to first period.

"Sorry," I apologized. Her face was familiar but I didn't know her name, yet she called me by mine.

Time dragged as I expected it would and every period seemed longer than the last. By the last period before lunch, the word had already gotten around the entire junior class that Edward Cullen was gone and that I was somehow responsible for his absence.

I heard his name a few times in the halls as I passed and in the classrooms when I sat, and every time I heard it I felt the blade twist in my heart, repeatedly drawing my attention to the hole inside. As the hours passed I got more and more irritated with all of it and by the time the last morning period came around, I was suitably pissed and bouncing my legs off my heels under the desk.

"Obvious question," Mike said as he dragged his chair across and jammed it up against mine.

"Yeouch," he grimaced as our eyes met. "Is it that bad? You look terrible Swan."

I clenched my teeth together and tried not to explode on him.

"So," he went on and I very literally wanted to slap the smirk off his face. "He's really gone isn't he?"

"Why are you asking me Mike, if you already know?"

"Hmmm. For good, or is he coming back? What's the deal and what happened?"

"You seem to have all the answers already. Maybe you should tell me."

"_Soooo, _you don't know?"

I was seconds away from losing my patience with him.

"Don't know what?"

"If he's coming back."

"Of course he's coming back Mike," I lashed out at him. "I don't want to talk about it. Leave it alone."

"Are you guys broken up or something?"

I looked around the class at the backs of everyone who pretended not to notice Mike and me talking. He was their source I was sure, the person most likely to get the scoop from me and like the fool that he was, he was excited by that position of mock importance and came right in for the kill.

"No," I answered sharply because no matter how angry I was, I could never say yes to the idea of me and Edward being broken up, not anymore. If Edward Cullen expected to lose me through my hatred for him, then he would never lose me because I was head over heels, lost and foolishly in love with him.

I hadn't even realized that Mike was still talking.

"…..bla bla…..and that it had something to do with your both parents getting married, so he ran to escape the pressure."

"What?" I widened my eyes incredulously at him and shook my head in surprise.

"That's the talk," he said. "That your parents are getting married."

"How?" I shook my head at him. "How? _How _do you even know about that?!" It was incredible; the speed at which news travelled in a small town. The first name that came to mind was Rosalie's.

"So it's true."

"Mike, shut the fuck up."

He let out a shocked laugh at my language and sucked in his breath. I didn't expect it to come out of me but I was so pissed that I only realized after it was out.

Thankfully the class started so he _had_ to shut up.

* * *

Once again, I had to run away from Mike after class. I had my things packed before the bell rang and I was able to make a quick escape while he fumbled with things in an attempt to catch up to me.

The din in the cafeteria rose noticeably when I walked in and many heads turned to look in my direction, but thank goodness for long thick hair because I bent my head under the guise of digging into my bag for something and it was easy to hide my face.

True to form however, and because someone upstairs just had it out for me with the most sadistic sense of humor, I clashed right into none other than Victoria while I pretended to search through my bag. Her tray of spaghetti and deliciously messy, red meat sauce crashed to the floor and splattered everywhere, including on the both of us.

_Right_, I thought. _This is just what I need now._

She glared at me with twitching, wide, stunned eyes and wasted no time in going straight for the jugular.

"You did that on purpose!" She shrieked. "I fucking stood there, watching you come toward me and waited for you to stop and watch where you're walking, but you just kept going!"

I tried to pick some of the goo off of me, but it was useless. That sauce stuck. The entire cafeteria had gotten so quiet that I swore I heard crickets chirping. I think they all stopped breathing simultaneously and I had to wonder what the hell it was they all did before I moved to Forks because for some reason I was always the center of attention and the main source of their entertainment.

"Well?!" She put her hands on her hips. "Say something."

"If you saw me coming," I answered her. "Why didn't you just get out of the way?"

"_Ooooooh_," the crowd snickered and horsed around.

"What?" She retorted and leaned forward a little. "You blaming this on me?"

"Come on Bella," Alice appeared at my side. Strands of spaghetti were still sliding off me and I saw Alice try to find a spot on me that was safe to grab.

"Always with a bodyguard," Victoria clipped and folded her arms. "Never able to fend for yourself. Now that you've scared away your boyfriend with your incestuous family issues, you have to rely on sister dearest to save you."

"Excuse me?" Alice blurted out with a well manicured hand on her hip.

That was it. The blood rushed straight to my head. Victoria had crossed the line and she'd been crossing it ever since the day I met her, but that was the wrong day to press my buttons, especially when she made references like that about Edward and my family. I yanked my elbow roughly away from Alice as my body started to shake with an epic burst of rage. Everything that had been swimming around in me ever since Edward left came together and created the most toxic and uncontrollable percussion of deliria that I had ever felt. Without another word I grabbed her by the mass of fiery waves on her head and pulled her quite ungracefully toward me; and because I had the coordination of a toddler with two left feet, I averaged poorly and we both fell to floor with her on top, no thanks to the very convenient slippery mess at our feet. We fell with a loud slapping sound and my head crashed against the tiles.

"Oh my God! Bella?!!" Alice screamed, and after that I couldn't hear anything above the yelling and chanting from the rest of the cafeteria and the pounding of rushing blood against my eardrums.

Victoria straddled me without any effort and went straight for my throat with her both hands.

I don't know where I found the strength and so fast, and perhaps my blinding wrath was responsible for it, but I raised my hips and legs and locked my legs by my ankles across her face and neck with such force that she had no choice but to let go of my throat. I shoved her with my legs onto her back until it was _her_ head that crashed onto the tiles behind her. I did what she did at first and straddled her and because I saw that she was still reacting from the blow to the back her head, I took the opportunity to start smashing her face in. The entire cafeteria was shrieking in delight.

"Bella!" Alice screamed again. By that point it was too late to stop because Victoria herself had gone livid with rage and she grabbed at my hair and tugged so hard, over and over that my scalp started to protest.

"GET_ OFF _ME!!" She screamed. "GET OFF MEEEEE!!!!"

I couldn't stop. I kept hitting her, over and over across her pretty face and even the sight of her blood didn't scare me off. The cracking sound of my fist across her high cheekbones stoked my adrenaline even more to the point where my scalp went completely numb and I didn't feel her pulling at my hair anymore.

"I'll kill you!" She screamed up at me between my punches and because I was so light, her writhing made it hard to pin her down properly.

"FUCK!" She screamed again. "Get her off! GET HER OFF!"

All she did was make the crowd squeal louder in excitement and surprisingly enough they fuelled my determination. She reached up and grabbed my throat viciously then pressed her thumbs hard against my wind pipe, digging so deep that I started to choke. In response to that, I grabbed two tight handfuls of hair as close to her roots as I could and raised her head off the floor then slammed it back down.

"_OW_!!" She screamed.

"KICK HER ASS BELLALITA!" I heard a familiar voice chant. "YOU FUCKING _ROCK_!"

Immediately after that, two strong arms grabbed me from behind and lifted me with surprising ease off of Victoria's still writhing form. My legs flew out in front of me and as hard as I struggled to get back at her, I couldn't get away from the vice like grip around my waist.

"Don't you _ever _say things like that to me you spiteful bitch…_EVER_!" I screamed at Victoria. I saw Coach Clapp drag her off the floor in front of me. The scores of onlookers clamored about in riled upheaval. There was chaos everywhere and I think I even heard someone scream out _"FOOD FIGHT"_ as I was pulled out through the exit.

It was another teacher who hauled my panting and sweating ass to the principal's office and the moment he deposited me into a chair, I saw the Coach Clapp drag Victoria inside too.

"Sit and stay!" Mr. Mathews yelled at me.

"What the fuck am I in here for?!" Victoria yelled. "I didn't start it. It was her!"

"Yet another thing to add to your long list of offenses Victoria," Coach Clapp said down to her exasperatedly. "Foul language!"

I was still panting viciously even though I was sitting because just being opposite her like that was firing the jet in me to go blasting toward her again.

Something hot trickled into my mouth and when I wiped at it I realized that I had a nose bleed. The scent and the taste of the blood made me remember the blood that I had cried in my nightmare just the night before and the red that flashed in Charlie's eyes. I wiped away the blood desperately and my eyes darted everywhere in a fitful panic. When I couldn't find anything calming to settle my eyes on, least of all the fuming and bloodied blond in front of me, I closed my eyes and rested my head back against the wall. I tried to force the horrific images out of my mind but it was no use because as hard as I tried, Charlie fought back and made himself present in my head with his gap.

I bounced my legs up and down feverishly and tried to steady myself.

_Very convenient timing Charlie_, I thought sarcastically, and even though his gap was slight, it was there.

I wiped at my nose again, only then feeling the burning sting that shot right up my nostrils. I rocked my head back in an attempt to control the blood flow trying to remember the point in the fight when Victoria had punched me in my nose, but no memory came to me. The burning intensified in my nose and very quickly spread to the inside of my mouth and across my gums.

"Wait a minute," I said to myself as I opened my eyes and stared at Victoria. "You_ didn't_ punch me in my nose."

"Then why is it bleeding bitch," she grinned in contentment as she swung her long, crossed legs.

_Because Charlie's nose is bleeding_, I thought to myself and closed my eyes again. I got nervous and started monitoring his gap with my mind. The only physical discomfort I could feel was the stinging in my nose and on my gums. Other than that there was no pain in my body besides my throbbing head but that was because of the lash my head got when I fell to the floor with Victoria on top of me, not to mention the job she did on the roots of my hair.

"I can walk! Get your hands off me!" Victoria bit out and when I opened my eyes I saw Coach Clapp trying to escort her into the office.

"Miss Swan," he said to me next.

I got up, distracted by the strange things happening to my nose and gums as I thought about whether or not Edward had anything to do with what I was feeling from Charlie. I had tempered down completely by the time I sat in front of the principal with Victoria two chairs down from me. I knew she was boring a hole into my skull with her vicious eyes as we waited for him to get off the phone, but I kept mine forward and tried to concentrate. She was the least of my worries right then.

* * *

One week of suspension.

Esme was thoroughly confused and even a little amused. She didn't know whether she should ground me or give me a high five. She almost laughed when she arrived at school and the principal told her what had happened and at one point I thought she looked a little relieved.

_Looked like her little girl wasn't so fragile after all._

"Well, I certainly don't know how to react," she said once we were home. "I'm shocked. I uh……I didn't know you had it in you."

She handed me an ice pack from the freezer which I refused. Pressing something that cold and wet against my skull was not what I considered soothing. It would only be choosing one kind of discomfort over the other.

"Are you hurt anywhere?" She asked, clicking her well manicured nails against the counter top.

"No." The prickling sting was gone from my nose and gums and Charlie's gap had disappeared as well. My scalp and head were slightly sore but it wasn't serious and I knew it would pass. "But you should have seen the other guy."

"Huh?"

"I just always wanted to say that…sorry."

"Do you need to see Carlisle?"

"No."

"At least tell me you feel better and that you've gotten some of your frustration out of your system," she said. I shrugged, feeling completely out of sorts though if was honest with myself, I'd have to admit that I thoroughly enjoyed smacking the hell out of that bitch. She really had it coming.

"Don't let it happen again Bella. They're going to expel you if it does."

"Can I go upstairs now?" I asked and pushed the ice pack on the counter top even further away from me.

"Ok. I have to get back to work. There's food in the fridge. Please eat something."

I couldn't believe that I had gotten suspended. As good as it felt to beat on Victoria, all it did was land me in the prison cell of my bedroom again….alone with my thoughts.

Without taking off a single article of clothing, including my shoes, I crawled into bed and shoved my hands beneath my pillow to prop my head and try to get some sleep. The cold little metal things under there pricked my fingers and I closed my eyes as I clasped a hand around them; _the rest of him_.

My cell phone in my back pocket buzzed right then and a calming sensation of Edward reached me. I fiddled for the phone and pulled it out, rolled onto my back with the keys till pressed to the inside of my palm and took a deep breath to still the racing of my heart.

It was another text message from him.

'_Hope you ate lunch_.'

I stared at the four ordinary words for a long time in dejection before I replied to him.

'_Spaghetti and meat sauce. It was a blast.'_

I'm sure the sarcasm was evident, but by the time I felt badly about it, it was too late because I had already sent it. I shoved the phone under my pillow and clutched his keys ever tighter, upset that he didn't just call instead of sending text messages. If listening to my voice was so hard, then I didn't intend on being the one to subject him to it, so me calling _him_ was out of the question. Perhaps, my pride was as green and nasty as an Ogre.

I opened my hand and stared at the keys, just about ready to trade the sentiment of having all of him, just for one actual minute of him in the flesh. Only a day and a half had passed and already it seemed like a century without him. I hadn't realized before then just how much time we spent together. It was so easy to take simple pleasures like time for granted, until you didn't have it at all.

I would give him back his keys and tell him to keep whatever part of himself he needed to keep private if it meant that I could have him with me again. No amount of him in his absence could measure up to the reality of having him right there where I could touch, taste, smell, see and hear him with my own senses.

However, seeing that it wasn't going to happen and I had four more days of no school and a pair of keys to use, maybe I didn't have to be cooped up alone with my thoughts after all. Maybe I could go exploring.


	43. Chapter 43 Complication

I know you guys want EPOV. His next chapter is 46, but don't worry I'll try to upload 44 and 45 back to back quickly so that you don't have too long of a wait. And once his chap comes out you'll have lots and lots of him after that. Some stuff has to happen with Bell before we get to him. It's WORTH THE WAIT - trust me! Please bear with me..…we're _**supposed**_ to miss him! Don't worry! LoL!

I left a note on this chap at the end. Please forgive any errors.

* * *

**Chapter 43 **

**Complication (BPOV)**

The text messaging thing became essential to my psyche. If I didn't have a message from Edward waiting for me every morning when I got up, I would go into instant hysterics and storm around my room finding any number of nonsensical tasks to distract me from my irritation. It was Wednesday morning already and I had thus far survived three days without Edward Cullen, one in which I had a very near expulsion encounter after attacking Victoria; a freaking milestone if there ever was one.

Wednesday was the day I realized that as much as I feigned indifference and impatience to his ordinarily worded texts, if I didn't get at least one in the morning, I would lose it.

Monday's text was his explanation for no phone call from him with the very ironic wish for me to have a 'good day', then came the bland one later about eating lunch.

Tuesday morning was the '_hope you slept well last night'_ crap, and no other glimpse of him for the rest of the day after that. So by Wednesday morning I was tripping out of bed with feet entangled in an assortment of bed sheets, novels, clothes and towels from the day before, clawing my way out just to get to my vibrating phone _conveniently_ left on my desk next to my laptop where I had been Googling Edward Cullen the night before.

Yes, I Googled him….and thankfully found nothing.

I knew it was a text message coming through by the type of message alert tone, but I still careened toward it frantically as if in any second the message would disappear if I didn't get to it fast enough.

When I read the message and saw that it was from Esme reminding me about the donuts in the oven, I almost catapulted the wretched cell across the room in frustrated disappointment. I'd become rather fond of throwing things actually. I came to find that it was marvelously therapeutic as was evident by all the new dents and nicks in the plaster on my walls.

I feverishly punched through all the messages in my inbox again and was somehow still confused when I found no waiting text message from him that had mysteriously slipped past the radar of the message alert tone.

The mess in my room was another story. I hated mess and I hated cleaning mess even more, so I usually tried to keep my things as organized and as well put away as possible, but since my new sentence, I'd become quite the slob and the more things accumulated around me in my quest to pass the time, the less will I had to clean any of it. I shoved the phone into my pajama pants' pocket then stepped over the barrage of miscellaneous things on my floor to reach for the key ring under my pillow. That went into the second pocket then I made my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth and freshen up a bit before making my way down the stairs to investigate the donuts in the oven.

Alice had baked donuts. Need I say more?

All the effort went into the decoration and presentation of the things rather than the actual taste of it. One bite into the first donut and I realized that she didn't use sugar; even the icing was sugarless and bland though pretty as hell. I bit into at least five of them in my quest to find any that were sweet, but found none. Knowing Alice, there had to have been a calculated reason behind the no sugar thing and whatever it was, the entire household was then subjected to it as well.

That was my attempt at breakfast for the day, so I trudged back up the stairs feeling disappointed and despondent with no message from Edward, battling with the idea of whether or not I should send him one instead. After staring at the ceiling for minutes on end, then catapulting every shoe I owned at a bull's eye I had made on the wall at the foot of my bed, I gave up trying to distract myself from thoughts of Edward and decided to go for a walk.

It wasn't so cold anymore in Forks, still a bit chilly but it had warmed up noticeably since I arrived. It would never be the kind of warm, comfortable blanket like Phoenix but anything was better than the biting cold of before. I still wore my coat though and huddled deep into it with my ipod earplugs in as I walked aimlessly with my head down. After three songs I yanked out the ear pieces by the chord, wondering if there was ever a song written about anything besides love or heartbreak. Eventually I ended up in front of a Supermarket and I stopped and stared at the building for a while, remembering the tour that Edward had promised me, the one that I wasn't interested in and scoffed at, and the one that I would have thrown myself at like a cheap whore right then if I had the chance. I took off again, paying no attention to street signs and came across a small café on the street right after. On entering I realized it was actually more like a coffee house and I decided to buy myself a "proper" donut; one with lots and lots of sugar. I bagged it and left, opting to eat it while I walked.

"Shouldn't you be in school?" Came a voice from behind me and I looked around to see Dr. Jacob Black emerging from the same coffee house I had just exited.

He followed me out.

His hair was pulled back in its usual ponytail and he smiled to bare a perfect row of white strong teeth which contrasted noticeably with his olive toned skin and deep set eyes. He was so goddamned tall and overwhelming with his presence; probably the one chap in town that could compete with Emmett for brawn.

"I uh…..no actually," I answered him, embarrassed to tell him the truth about why I wasn't expected in school that day. The image of Victoria hurling, clawing and cursing me from the floor flashed through my mind and I shuddered slightly. "It's ok. I'm out for a while."

"Out for a while huh?" He smiled, walking toward me with a brief glance out into the street. "You make it sound like a prison break."

I nodded. "In a lot of ways it kinda is."

"Where are you going?"

"Nowhere," I shrugged and looked away from him.

He considered something for a while then exhaled.

"If you're not doing anything, how about sitting with me for a while?"

I shifted my eyes back to his and flinched inwardly, thinking that his offer was unnervingly creepy. He was my _almost _therapist and I wasn't in the habit of sitting with my doctors for a friendly chat, nor was I in the mood for an apparent free session with him trying to _get me to talk._

I shook my head negatively and tried my best to be polite without insulting him.

"Nah," I said. "I'd rather just walk. I….uh……I intended to walk, but thanks." I waved and started walking away then.

"Then I'll walk with you," he said after me and fell into stride at my side easily. I nearly stopped and ordered him back into the coffee house, cursing myself for going in, in the first place for a stupid donut that I may not even eat. He caught my expression and grinned in amusement then leaned toward me slightly.

"I promise we won't talk about anything uncomfortable," he said and raised one of his hands. "Scouts honor."

I took two steps back and folded my arms across my chest as the hole in there started to echo torturously. I immediately remembered the day Edward did that scouts thing and when I laughed at him and told him that he wasn't a scout, he had corrected me and said that he was. I turned my face away and tried not to make my discomfort noticeable by finding something random to change the topic.

"Isn't your car parked somewhere here?" I asked.

"Yes."

"So you're gonna just leave it?"

"No big deal. I'll come back and get it when we're done walking and then maybe I'll drive you home afterward. How far were you planning on walking anyway?"

"To the end of the earth," I shrugged.

He laughed. "Been one of those days?"

I snorted. "Been one of those lives."

"Mmmm?"

I shot him a warning glance and he raised his hands in the air in surrender. "We don't have to talk about it. I'm not in office."

"I don't think I ever want to go back to your office," I said and increased my pace a bit. "No offense."

"None taken," he said. "Most people feel that way, though you are only my second client so far."

"You have only two patients?" I took note of his reference to me as his client and not his patient.

"Yup."

"How humiliating."

"For who?"

"For me."

"Why is that humiliating for you?"

"In the entire town you have only two patients and I'm one of them. I'm like part of the 1% screw up demographic."

"Hahaha, you're anything but a screw up Bella."

"Well," I said and opened the brown bag in my hand to retrieve the donut. "Coming from you, that's great news."

"Naw, you're just….incredibly intense."

The word struck me and I looked over at his smiling profile as we walked side by side. I didn't mind the word intense at all, in fact, I actually liked it and I thought about introducing people like Esme and Edward to the word. Maybe if they too thought I was just "intense", then they wouldn't think I needed fixing so goddamned much.

"What do you want with the company of a seventeen year old?" I asked Jacob. "Don't you have some kind of important doctor thing to go do? Someone to go tend to?"

"Well first of all, I'm on my lunch break," he said. "Second of all, I have two patients, one of which is out of town and the second of which is with me at the moment, so that scratches appointments for the day. And third, you won't be seventeen anymore in about four days if I remember correctly."

I stopped dead in my tracks and started checking the days in my head and then on my fingers. He was right, my birthday was coming. I hadn't even thought about it with all the chaos in my life and suddenly the epiphany struck me with blunt force. My first birthday in Forks and Edward wouldn't be there with me. The donut turned putrid in my mouth suddenly and I had to bend over a hedge at the side and spit it out. I turned back to Jacob and raised apologetic eyes to him.

How the hell did he know about my birthday anyway?

"Don't freak out," he said, raising a hand. "I only know because when you came to my office last Saturday, I had your file in front of me and I saw your date of birth. I remember it because it surprised me how near you birthday was."

We started walking again.

"It's fine," I shrugged it off. The most dreadful apprehension settled over me then seeing that my birthday was stuck in my head. It was a wonder Esme or Alice hadn't said anything about it yet and I hoped they weren't planning anything embarrassing or overbearing. If I could have crawled into a hole to hide until Monday I would have, because no matter what, without Edward and in the midst of everything, it would definitely not be a _happy_ birthday.

"You don't seem very excited about it," Jacob said and pulled something out of his pocket.

"I don't know," I shook my head. "I'm not in the celebratory mood these days. I'm intense, remember?"

"Hahaha," he rocked his head back and bore his straight white teeth. "Intense people can also have fun Bell."

_Why is he calling me Bell?_ I thought.

"You_ can_ be intensely happy about something," he went on to say.

The more Jacob talked, the more I thought about Edward, not that there was ever a time when I didn't think about him. I tried to push the thoughts away because the yearning and the nostalgia were invincible and I wasn't sure that my limited human capacity could carry that amount of heaviness much longer. The longing was pathetically similar to the kind I had felt for Charlie at my worst, and truth be told, it was much worse than anything I had ever felt for Charlie.

"That's not possible for me right now Dr. Black," I answered him. "I'm not the chipper type, that much you already know, so for what's it's worth, please ignore me completely on my birthday and pretend like it's not happening. I won't be able to bear the attention."

"Please call me Jacob," he said and the whiff of tobacco that assaulted me when he said it made me stop and look at him with involuntary emotion in my eyes.

"Sorry," he frowned and held the cigarette away from him. "I should have asked. Where are my manners? Do you mind? Will it bother you?"

I started walking again, more briskly than before and tried to refuse my mind access to the memory of Edward's smoking, the glorious image of him with a cigarette and the way it made him smell beautifully unique and intoxicating. I never thought that I'd be so attracted, far less attached to the concept and image of a man with a cigarette in his hand and because the mere scent of it shot a painful wave of nostalgia through me, I had to tear my eyes away from Jacob and practically hold my breath so that the assault would stop.

"It's fine," I lied and shoved the brown bag roughly into my jacket pocket.

"Are you sure?" He asked. "Because you look upset."

"I'm not upset. Go ahead." It would have been unfair of me to prevent him from doing what came naturally to him.

I glanced at him briefly and saw him put it to his mouth again and pull on it. I noticed the smooth white length of it between his fingers and the red glow that flickered at the tip and crept toward his face when he inhaled. I didn't have to see him to know when he exhaled because though the smell wasn't entirely Edward's, as it wasn't mixed with his musk and dewy scent, the tobacco by itself was enough to inveigle a lump in my throat that needed swallowing.

"You're surprised aren't you?" Jacob asked.

"Kind of," I shrugged.

"I don't seem the type?"

"You don't."

"I hope you're not disappointed."

"I'm not your mother."

"No, and I'm thrilled."

"Sure."

"There's lots about me that would shock you I'm sure. I'm not all doctor and serious matters to discuss. I _do _have a wild side to me."

"Ok," I smiled a little. It sounded like he was trying to impress me, though I couldn't be sure but the notion made me uncomfortable. "If you say so."

We walked in awkward silence for a few minutes after that and I found all sorts of things on my coat to brush away in an attempt to distract myself from his unearthly presence at my side. I transferred the donut from one pocket to the next, I double checked my jeans pocket for my house keys and for Edward's keys, and I made damned sure that my hair blocked my profile; anything to take the focus off the silence between us and the fact that we really had nothing to say each other.

The hollow emptiness in my chest throbbed as I thought of all the comfortable and relaxing silences between Edward and me and I started getting irritated with myself as I wondered if there was _anything _that wouldn't torture me with a speciic memory of him.

"So why are you out?" Jacob asked, pulling on his cigarette and turning his head away to exhale the smoke. It took me a few seconds to realize he was asking about school.

"Is it top secret?" He asked.

"No," I shook my head and swallowed against the lump in my throat. "It's just embarrassing."

He crossed his fingers across his chest and smiled. "I won't say a word. Promise."

"I got into a fight at school," I sighed.

He grabbed my arm in surprise and exploded into a fit of laughter. When I pulled my elbow away from him, he skipped ahead of me and turned around so that he was walking backward in front of me. He seemed awfully childish and playful for a doctor and it made me wonder about his age again. My initial guess had been somewhere in his mid twenties, but I wasn't so sure anymore.

"_You_ got into a fight?!"

"I wonder why everyone is finding that so amusing," I folded my arms and continued walking forward as he walked backward. "Is it funny?"

"Not funny," he grinned, "Ok I'm lying, yes it is kind of funny, but I'm more shocked than anything else and while I can't encourage you to go beating up on people, it's actually healthy for you to get rid of some of that pent up frustration you have in there."

Much to my relief he stopped and resumed his pace at my side again.

"I figured you had a temper, but I also thought that it would take quite a lot to get you to a point of explosion. What the devil did they do?"

I was terribly suspicious of the direction the conversation was taking because he was getting nearer and nearer to the point of getting me to open to him. If I had tried to explain my reason for fighting, it would take me to that whole Edward out of town thing and Victoria's malicious comment about our parents' union, and I really didn't want to get into that whole _my boyfriend is soon to be my step brother drama_.

"It's a long story," I settled with. "She's a bully and she's been at my throat for a while. She pushed me too far and I tripped. That's all there is to it."

He dropped his cigarette to the floor then and squashed it with his foot.

"So you're suspended?"

"Yes."

"And her?"

"Yes."

"Hmm. How did your mom take it?"

"The same way you did, though a bit less enthusiastic."

He grinned.

"And your boyfriend?"

I whipped my neck around to look at him when he asked that. He kept his eyes forward as he walked and I saw him tighten his jaw ever so slightly. I had thought that everyone knew that Edward was away. I swallowed then and tightened my arms across my chest.

"He's….out of town right now."

"Oh?" He responded and kept his eyes forward.

"I don't want to talk about it," I went on.

"Sure," he said and I noticed the change in his voice. After another few seconds of silence he spoke. "You know Bella. You _can_ talk to me just as a friend. I'm not just your doctor."

"You're not my friend though, you're my doctor."

"Ouch," he said with a teasing smirk.

"No offense."

"What if I said that I can't be your doctor anymore?"

I stopped walking again and exhaled sharply in confusion. Everything about him confused me. He was unlike any characterization of doctor I'd ever known. He was way too young, way too playful, easily excitable and way too burlesque.

"What do you mean you _can't _be my doctor anymore?"

"Well," he said. "Off the record of course," and he slid me a sideways glance.

"Off the record," I frowned and nodded.

He gestured with his head for us to start walking again, so I did.

"Dr. Cullen paid me a visit last week and we talked about your case in great detail," he stopped and glanced at me and then continued. "I expected it actually. I'd figured that I couldn't treat you after our second session and after talking to your mom, but he confirmed it when he said that I'm not _qualified_ to give you the kind of treatment you need."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I demanded. "I don't understand. You're a goddamned doctor. Am I so unfixable that even a doctor is in over his head?"

"No," he chuckled softly. "Not in over my head, unqualified. There's a difference. I shouldn't even be telling you this yet and I wanted to wait for our next session to do so, but…"

"So tell me already."

He raised his head to the front and squinted slightly against the glare.

"Bella," he said. "I'm a psychologist, and what you need is a psychiatrist."

I bit down on my lip in concentration and tried to process what he was saying.

"Do you know the difference?"

"I'm not sure."

"Psychiatrists can prescribe drugs to their patients. It's like therapy backed my medicine. I don't have the medical qualifications to prescribe medicine to you, or else I'd still be in school. Psychologists can only deal with your mental, psychological and neurological processes; only what's on your mind. I can't go any further than that."

"Soooo in other words, you're saying that I need the help of medicine to sort through my mess? And you can't prescribe medicine to me."

He twisted his face and looked down at his feet as he walked.

"I don't want to say you need medicine…..I want to say you _may_ need the assistance of drugs to help you cope when things get bad."

"Jacob, you don't need to hide the truth from me. If I need medicine, I need medicine."

He nodded and pulled a another cigarette out of his pocket and I dreaded the oncoming scent with rapt anxiety.

"Well," he said, squinting against the flame as he lit it. "Whatever the truth is, it looks like I'm off the case."

It actually didn't bother me at all. What it meant was I didn't have to see Jacob Black anymore or be forced by Esme to go for a session. I was off the hook and unless Carlisle found a psychiatrist to treat me, there was nothing they could do to force me into Jacob's office again.

"Is there a psychiatrist in Forks?" I asked.

"No," he answered. "But I'm sure Dr. Cullen is working very hard on that."

I bit into my lip again and nodded.

"You know," he said, slowing his pace. "I think we're almost to the end of the earth."

I looked around distractedly, completely lost.

"You don't say," I responded.

"Let's go back. I'll drive you home."

Instinctively I wanted to refuse the ride, but I seriously _was _lost and I couldn't remember the corners we had taken, so at the very least I had to walk back with him.

"Either you really hate the idea of me taking you home or you want to continue walking."

I looked up at his serious face. His eyes studied me a little too intently. He blew a line of smoke out of his nose and waited for me to respond as the aura cascaded everywhere around me.

"Bella?"

"Um….no," I blinked. "It's fine. I'll take the ride. Thanks. I should have brought my bread crumbs and left a trail so that I could find my way back though. Maybe next time I'll remember that."

He turned and smiled to himself as he waited for me to fall into stride next to him.

"Exactly how old are you Jacob?" I asked unable to withhold my curiosity any longer.

"I act much younger than I look don't I?"

I nodded with a small laugh.

"I'm 23," he answered and I turned to look at him in surprise. I expected him to say 25 or something.

"That's impossible."

"Why is that impossible?"

"I figured you were at least 25."

"Nope."

"How can you be a doctor at 23?"

"Easy. I didn't go to regular High School. I went to a private school on the Reservation at La Push and had special classes. I was in college by the time I was your age already."

"You were in college at seventeen?"

"Yup."

"So you were like some kind of child prodigy or something?"

"Yup."

"Or like a geek," I smiled.

"Maybe more like a geek yes."

"So you just finished school?"

"Yes and that's the reason I need Dr. Cullen's help with references from the hospital and why I only have two patients so far. Well….one patient now."

His cigarette got my attention again and the way he held it to his lips and I had to wonder if Edward was smoking right at that point in time; and knowing him…he probably was. Just as I thought it, my phone buzzed in my pocket and I jumped in surprise at the vibration. I felt Edward's aura a second later and tore through my pocket to find my cell phone. Without even thinking, I turned my back on Jacob and took a few steps toward the curb to read the text message in privacy.

'_You haven't responded to me. Why? I miss you.'_

I squeezed my eyes shut and gasped for a mouthful of air. The hollow echo in my chest hurt again and I had to press the phone to my chest for a physical sense of him. The inner racket in my chest became overwhelming and I had to walk even further toward the edge of the road for a breath of fresh air, because the scent of the smoke coming from Jacob behind me compounded the nostalgic effect grievously. I put my fingers on the keys to type a response to him and just as I was about to, Jacob spoke.

"Are you ok?" He asked. "What is it?"

I tucked some of my hair behind my ear and became angry with myself for being so emotional and close to breaking in front of Jacob. I nodded and tried to communicate to him that I was ok, even though I was sure that it was obvious that I wasn't.

"Are you sure?" Jacob's voice was gentle and I heard him step closer to me from behind bringing with him the smell of tobacco that I was trying to get away from.

I moved even further away from him when he did that, not even realizing that I was almost in the street and in danger of being flattened by a car. Suddenly, Jacob grabbed me from behind and pulled me back roughly and as soon as he did it, a car screeched by and blared its horn angrily.

"Bella what the hell are you doing?!" He cried out as I barreled backward into him. I blinked out of my stupor and jumped away from his sturdy form. The car that sped away was already halfway down the street already. I turned to apologize to Jacob with wide eyes and the anger in his face shocked me.

"I'm sorry," I muttered. "I got distracted. Thanks for that."

He dropped his cigarette and squashed it with his foot again.

"Let's go," he said, taking off. "I'm taking you home."

We walked most of the way back to his car in another uncomfortable silence, only this time I was utterly humiliated. He seemed pretty stunned and I found myself needing to explain or offer him some kind of reassurance that I was not actually as deranged or dysfunctional as I seemed to be. I was also put off by his anger. I thought that he should have known how to deal with what seemed like psychotic behavior, being a therapist and all. We got to the coffee house quicker than I expected and perhaps that was because our pace on the way back was a lot more agitated and a lot less relaxed that our original pace.

He opened the passenger door to his black twin cab pick up truck for me and I climbed in without complaint.

_So you're a door opener too_, I thought disgustedly.

"Jacob," I said once he got in. "I'm sorry about that back there. I honestly got distracted by the text."

He flashed me a worried look and reversed into the street.

"Bella," he said. "That was really scary. You were almost knocked over by that car. What the hell got into you? You zoned out completely. If I wasn't there……"

"I know," I interrupted him quickly. "I'm sorry. Thank you."

_If you weren't there, I wouldn't have been running from the smell of tobacco, _I thought bitterly.

"What the hell was in that text message anyway?" He glanced at me as he drove.

"Nothing."

"It couldn't be nothing it if affected you like that. Is someone hurt?"

"No."

"Bella," he said as we bounced in the truck. The ride was awfully bumpy. "You're very secretive, I get that and I also know that we haven't known each other very long, but you can't keep stiffing what's happening with you on the inside. Your fight in school is just one way you can explode, but there are worst ways to go over the steep end trust me."

"I thought you said you weren't my doctor anymore?"

"I'm not saying this to you as your doctor. I'm saying it as your friend."

I looked out of the window and watched as Forks zoomed by. It was hard to think of him as a friend and I wasn't sure that I liked the idea so much either. Besides Edward and Charlie I had never opened myself up to anyone. I also didn't like the fact that there was so much about Jacob that reminded me of Edward and the last thing I needed was a constant reminder of him. My stomach started to grumble then because I hadn't eaten all day. I fidgeted with my coat and pulled out the squished donut in the crumpled bag. It was sticky and smeared all over the inside of the bag and the sweet stench of it, the very reason I had bought it in the first place, turned me off slightly but I bit into it nonetheless.

"Is it so terrible to consider me a friend?" Jacob asked.

"I don't know if I want to get close to anyone right now Jacob," I answered, swallowing my first bite. "It's not easy for me to talk about things."

"Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to because it's necessary."

"What are you trying to say exactly, that it's necessary for us to be friends?"

"No, I'm saying it's necessary for you to talk about stuff even when you don't want to and yes you should have friends. Being a recluse leads to depression."

"Too late for that," I muttered.

"It's almost as if you want to be depressed."

"Ok, just stop, ok. You promised that you wouldn't do this and here you are trying to get me talk about stuff and telling me everything I'm doing wrong."

He bit down on his jaw and stared ahead of him in tense silence after that. I noticed the way he floored the accelerator, yet another similarity to Edward. I slammed the back of my head into the head rest and took a deep, centering breath.

"Why are you so interested in being my friend anyway? I'm not that interesting."

"I just am," he answered.

"That's not a good answer."

He shook his head and ignored my question.

"You have to give me directions to your house. I don't know where I'm going."

It was only then I realized where we were. One more bend and we would have been heading down the street to the Oak. I grabbed onto the sides of my seat in a panic and exhaled sharply.

"Stop," I lashed out.

"What?"

"Stop. Stop. Stop."

He mashed the break suddenly and the swerved to the side. The truck stopped with a violent jerk.

"Geez Bella," he gasped and dropped his forehead against his forearm.

"We're going the wrong way. Turn back."

He raised his head with a sigh and looked over at me for a few long seconds. I felt his eyes searching me and it made me uncomfortable. I just wanted to get out of his truck and get back to the solace of my room and to where my thoughts of Edward though painful, weren't as torturous as when I was with Jacob. I knew Jacob was likeable and would have been desirable if I weren't so taken with Edward, and because of that, his qualities didn't register easily with me but regardless of that, I knew I shouldn't be around him often. Having someone so close that reminded me of Edward like he did was not a good idea. And even though their similarities weren't physical, the potential damage of what I had already discovered was bad enough.

"Give me the name of your street," he said and when I looked at him I saw his eyes drop to my mouth and linger for a few seconds then move up to my eyes again. I turned away and told him the name of my street and waited for him to drive off.

"You don't really know your way around Forks do you?" He asked as he turned the truck.

"What makes you say that?" I grunted and shoved the donut back into my pocket.

"Wild guess," he answered and I wouldn't have been surprised if he had rolled his eyes. More silence passed between us and it relieved me when he turned on the radio. At least with the sound of something besides our breathing in the truck, the ride was easier to bear. Finally, we pulled up to my house and he opened his door and jumped down. I knew he was making his way around to get me out on my side, so I did what Edward would have apprehended me for and opened my door on my own and climbed down. He stopped when he saw me and waited for me to join him at the front of the truck. He didn't look annoyed and thank goodness he didn't scold me like Edward would either.

"You don't have to walk me to my door," I said to him. "You've already done enough. Thank you."

The strange tension between us felt inappropriately intimate, like we were having a lover's quarrel because of my behavior and because he was worried about me; again, too close for comfort.

It didn't matter how angry, confused or hurt I was over Edward's absence, I did not want to feel like I was betraying him by entertaining something I shouldn't, especially since he was out there somewhere because of me.

"When I take a girl home, I walk her to her door," Jacob retorted.

"Geez, you make it sound so…."

"What? Romantic?"

I fought in my pockets for my keys, desperate to unlock the door and retreat to the inside.

"You have nothing to fear from me in that department Bella," he said in a dark tone. "I know you have a boyfriend and though the current circumstances seem strange to me, my only intention with you is friendship."

I found the key and shoved it into the lock, feeling guilty all of a sudden for overreacting with him when he was only trying to be helpful. The lock turned and I opened the door. I paused and turned to face him.

"Even if I'm terrible at friendship?" I asked.

"How bad can you be?"

"Let's just say, I moved to a new town and there is no one back home in Phoenix with the exception of one uncle who misses me. And even _that's_ not certain."

"Hard to believe."

"Well believe it. I've always been a recluse and even though there were people that I grew fond of, I never got close to any of them."

"Maybe nobody tried hard enough."

I shook my head again because even though he said that his only intention was friendship I couldn't ignore the tone of his voice, the interest in his words and the softness in his eyes. At the same time however, I didn't want to offend him because he had been incredibly nice to me ever since I arrived at Forks and he hadn't stepped out of line once. There was no use in being a bitch because my self esteem was deplorable.

"Maybe we can be friends Jacob," I swallowed. "But please understand that especially now, I'm weird to be around, so you need to expect anything….like what happened today. I have a knack for drawing trouble to myself and most times I don't know until after it's happened."

"I get that," he nodded with a smile. "I just want you to be comfortable around me."

"And you can't get upset and annoyed every time I do something out of the ordinary, because that way, you'll be just like Esme or Alice or….."

"Edward…" he finished and I stopped breathing at the sound of his name. I swallowed at the proverbial lump again and took a backward step into the house.

"Bye Jacob."

"Later," he raised a hand and the smile was gone from his face as I closed the door.

The moment I closed it a heavy weight shed itself from my shoulders and my chest opened up a little. I took a deep breath and made my way up the stairs to my room.

I had to give it to Forks, though small, it lacked nothing my means of adventure. Since I had arrived, there was a constant barrage of situations to deal with, one thing after the next, with relentless determination to test my coping abilities; and for someone who was supposed to lead such an uneventful, quiet and boring life I certainly had my fair share of complications to deal with.

* * *

**Chapter note:** Don't panic about dear old Jake. He's a given in the story and it makes for good conversation when Edward comes back. Bella knows how to handle herself and Edward won't be away very long.


	44. Chapter 44 Ghosts

Just a gentle reminder that Edward's next chapter is 46. The story is already writen and I can't change it now. I post here as I edit from LJ. I know you're anxious, but what happens with Bella now and next chapter is very important. Stay tuned! And Edward won't disappoint *wink*. Lots of action on the way. Thanks for all your wonderful reviews.

**Chapter 44**

**Ghosts**

Alice came home promptly after school on Wednesday afternoon. She barged into the house and sprinted into the kitchen to find me sitting on a stool, staring out of the kitchen window. When she saw me, she exhaled and wiped a strand of her hair off of her forehead.

"Hey," she panted. I turned to her and observed her restless and finicky body language. She was perspiring and it took a lot to get Alice to the point of sweat.

"What are _you_ so worked up about?" I asked.

"I've been freaking out all day long, wondering if you're ok at home," she exhaled and went to the fridge for a glass of water. "This suspension thing makes keeping an eye on you very shitty."

I shook my head at her and followed her with my eyes. How could I forget? Edward had left her in charge of me. I scoffed and rolled my eyes at them both.

"So you sped home, ran up the driveway and burst through the front door because what....what did you think you would find me doing? I don't need a babysitter."

She arched an eyebrow, swallowed some water then opened the container of donuts she had baked the night before.

"What the hell happened to my donuts?"

"I planned on asking you the very same thing," I answered her.

"Bella! You bit into all of them!"

"No, I bit into…" and I started counting the bitten ones with my index. "Six."

"Why the hell did you do that?!"

"Why the hell did you neglect the sugar? I was looking for a sweet one."

"Oh my God, are you serious," she frowned and picked up an unbitten one to eat. "I'm trying to get Esme to lose weight for the wedding. Carlisle's been taking her out to dinner way too often and her idea of a fitted gown may not be so applicable anymore if he keeps feeding her the way he is."

I rolled my eyes again and dropped my chin into my hands on the counter top. I didn't even know when the wedding was and I really didn't want to know either. With everything else on my plate I wasn't in any hurry to start dealing with the idea of Edward becoming my step brother. Alice sensed my dejection and tried to change the topic.

"And by the way," she said. "I think you _do _need a babysitter after what happened in school this week."

"Victoria had that coming," I snapped, sliding off my stool. "She's been at my throat ever since we got here. Now _I _had the chance to take her by hers."

"Yeah, I know I know, she was out of line, but pulling her to shreds in front of the entire school….."

"Is much less than she deserved," I cut in. "You don't know the half of it."

"But you may have only made it worse Bella. Do you think she's just gonna call a truce? She's even more pissed off now and with her suspended as well, there's no telling what she might try with all that spare time on her hands."

I rolled my eyes exaggeratedly and blew out of my mouth, causing my lips to flutter.

"What's she gonna do? Come to my house and……," I stopped mid sentence. Really and truly, there wasn't much Victoria _wouldn'_t do to avenge her enemy and from the look on Alice's face, she had since learned a thing or two about Victoria since our little brawl and she wasn't taking any chances.

There was a knock at the door then and her face brightened up in anticipation.

"Be right back."

"Who is it? I'm going up to my room."

"Wait a sec," she called over her shoulder to me.

I really wasn't in the mood to see anyone, least of all someone associated with Edward. The nostalgia was so sickening that with every passing day, it felt more and more like nausea.

"You fucking_ RULE_ Bellalita!" I heard Emmett bellow from the foyer. "Where da fuck is she?! Hey Bella!"

He bounded into the kitchen then, scooped me up into his arms and hauled me over his shoulder.

"Emmett!" I screamed out in surprise. Jasper, Alice and Rosalie followed him into the kitchen too.

"I've been waiting all week to tell you so," Emmett continued. "I couldn't _believe _my fucking eyes!"

He held me sturdily with his hands and turned toward the others much to my everlasting mortification because in that position my ass was in everybody's face.

"Emmett!" Rosalie huffed. "Put her down."

"Yes please," I grunted. "Please!"

He bounced me on his shoulder then and laughed before putting me down.

"That was the funniest thing I've _ever_ seen in that place," he laughed. "You kicked some bitch ass! If only you'd let me show you a few things then the next time you could…."

"Emmett!!!" Both Rosalie and Alice yelled at the same time.

"What?!" He laughed. "She is a fucking bad ass! That kind of talent needs to be nurtured!"

Jasper was laughing hysterically and clutching on to his stomach.

"You shocked the fuck right outta me," Jasper laughed. "And the look on Victoria's face was priceless!"

"Even Rose was impressed," Emmett said with a gesture toward Rosalie. Girlfriend dearest folded her arms across her chest then, stewing over the fact that Emmett had sold her out and admitted that I had actually done something to impress her.

"You're such a fucking child," she spat at Emmett to which he grinned and ambled over to her. He grabbed her by her hips and rocked her toward him.

"Wanna discipline me mommy?" He growled in a sexy voice.

It seemed that Rosalie couldn't do or say anything to upset him. He took everything and turned it into a game or sexual innuendo.

"I'm so glad you made her bleed," Jasper said to me. "Don't ever let anyone say shit to you like that."

"Yeah," Emmett responded and turned to face us. "And if she does it again, you just say the word and I can make you…..ummph!"

He fisted his right hand and punched his left palm aggressively with a loud slap, making his biceps bulge and pop all over the place. He was such a spectacle.

"I think we get the picture," Rosalie grumbled.

Jasper snaked his arm around Alice's waist and Emmett pulled Rosalie in front of him and jammed her back up against his chest so that he could hug her from behind. That's when the fifth wheel fell off the bandwagon. They were all so "coupley" and physical with each other that I almost couldn't stand to watch it. I waved a small wave and started to make my exit.

"Where're you going?" Jasper asked.

I pointed to the ceiling. "Homework. A week at home means a lot of catching up to do."

"Shit," Jasper frowned. "I should be bringing you your homework assignments."

"I can do that," Alice agreed.

"Party pooper," Emmett frowned at me.

"Hang out for a while," Alice said and nodded in agreement to Emmett's comment. "We're going over to the mansion in a bit. Come with. I actually came home just to get you."

My first reaction to the idea was repulsion. The thought of being at the mansion in Edward's absence seemed unfathomable, even with the two keys in my pocket and the freedom to investigate the secrets behind the locked doors. I had all intentions of getting to the point where I could face it, but suddenly the opportunity was knocking and I didn't know if I was ready.

"Maybe some other time," I shrugged and started backing away. I saw Rosalie roll her eyes and nudge Emmett's stomach with her elbow. She was telling him, _'What did I tell you? I knew she wouldn't come.'_

Alice opened her mouth to rebut but I turned and ran up the stairs quickly, just about ready to succumb to everything that roared inside of my chest.

The mess in my room did nothing to make me feel better and after making a trail through the miscellaneous on the floor to get to my bed, I fell back and stared up at the ceiling blankly. I felt the keys in my back pocket press into my bottom cheek so I turned on my side and pulled them out. I had been moving them from pocket to pocket since coming back from my walk with Jacob. I dangled the two keys over my face and thought for a bit, feeling my chest heave in silent rebuttal, warning me to stay away from the things in Edward's past that may prove to be more than I could handle in his absence.

Something stirred in me though and I sat up anxiously as a bout of perspiration spread over my forehead. In a moment of decisiveness, I jumped off my bed and over the various piles on the floor and headed down the hallway toward the staircase. The kitchen was empty and my heart thudded in rapt hysteria as I made for the front door. They were getting into their various vehicles as I slammed the door behind me and locked it quickly.

"Wait up!" I yelled then fled down the driveway and almost catapulted into Alice.

"Slow down there little road runner," Emmett chuckled. "Bout time you came around!"

Then he turned and winked obviously at Rosalie as if to say, '_HA_ Ha._'_

"Will mom know?" I asked Alice.

"I told her already," she answered. "Just a few rounds of pool in the games room and we'll be back."

I settled into the backseat of Jasper's car and adjusted my coat. I hadn't taken it off since arriving home from my walk with Jacob and hadn't been home that long anyway before Alice came in.

"So, I won't be playing pool once we get there," I said to Alice from the backseat.

"I figured," she replied, keeping her eyes to the front. "You never do, but you can hang out with Rose and me while the boys play."

_Sure, hang out with Rose and you. How delightful. Not happening,_ I thought sarcastically.

"No actually," I sighed. "I might go up to the library. So whenever you're ready to leave, just send me a message and I'll come down to meet you."

There was no way I was telling them what my real purpose for going was. It would have been a serious betrayal of Edward's trust if I had Alice and Rosalie trailing behind me into those rooms.

"Bella," Alice said and turned around to watch me. "You're not going up to his bedroom to mope are you? Because that would just be……wrong."

The thought honestly never even occurred to me, but now that she'd said it…..

"No," was all I said and I diverted my attention to the view out the window. She stared at me for a few seconds longer before turning back to the front.

When we got to the mansion I stared at the looming white thing from inside the car and bravely fought off the nauseating nostalgia that attacked me. We got out of the car and watched as Emmett's jeep growled its way over to the garage. The automatic doors rose to allow him access to the inside and my heart bucked in surprise when I saw the back end of the Volvo come into focus. I fell back against Jasper's car limply and stared at it sourly.

My feet then started moving of their own volition toward the garage and everything else around the silver outline of Edward's car faded into a blur. I clung to the sleek, shiny image with my eyes as my heart raced off and left the rest of me behind. Emmett's voice registered briefly, but his words never registered. I reached out and touched the silver shiny metal as I walked along the length of it until I got to the driver's door. I held the handle and looked in at the empty seat, quiet and lonesome, unlike any symbolism of life and aggression that it was known for. The car itself was the embodiment of Edward's image. It was as if he was right there all of a sudden, standing there in front of me in silence; strong, masculine, beautiful, hypnotizing and engaging. The metal was cold, like he was at first; rigid and unyielding, but once you got him revved and idling to a sweet purr, he could be the warmest and most inviting person within a million mile radius from any direction on earth. And when his idling grew to a more urgent, speeding pace he became ready just like his car with a forceful and innate power so riveting that in his presence, you had no choice but to strap yourself in for the ride and prepare yourself to expect-absolutely-anything.

I felt someone touch my elbow and when I looked around it was Emmett. His eyes were slightly confused but he sensed where my head was and I could see him trying to understand the trouble of his brother's girlfriend's breaking heart. I took a deep breath and allowed him to tear me away from the Volvo, feeling very much disoriented and thrown off course.

The rest of them were already inside by then and Emmett started guiding me to the front door. Before we walked through it he stopped me and bent his head with searching eyes. It was the first time I'd ever seen Emmett with anything other than amusement and mockery on his face. It was both strange and refreshing.

"For what it's worth?" He said. "I know it's because he loves you. I've never seen a man so tortured by his own love before, least of all Edward. I don't know exactly what's going on because Carlisle won't give me all the details, but I know he's out there trying to find your dad because he's sick and because you worry about him so much. I'd try to be patient if I were you. He will take his time because it's important and because he knows he has to be careful, but I wouldn't worry so much. He'd hate to see that look in your eyes right now."

I looked away self consciously and swallowed against the lump in my throat as my eyes brimmed with water. I scanned over the trees that lined the front of the yard as I tried to control the onslaught of tears behind my eyelids.

"I only just got him, you know," I choked out amidst a trembling sigh. "I can't believe I miss him this way. I mean," I stopped to sigh again. "I knew that I loved him and that I would miss him, but….wow."

"It's tough," Emmett said.

"Really tough," I tried to smile up at him but I couldn't. He bent over slightly and took my hand in his huge paw like hand and squeezed mine gently.

"I can't say that I know how you feel but my guess is that it would be much easier to bear if you muscled up and fought back instead of being so consumed by it all the time. I know people might tell you that fighting is wrong but I fucking agree with beating the crap out of someone who deserves it if it will get some of that load off your back. I can set up another session between you and the bitch if you want."

He actually made me laugh a little.

"Oh my God! No Emmett. But thanks."

"You sure? Because you looked like you had more left you in that day."

"I did," I grinned.

"That's my girl," he grinned back and ruffled the hair on the top of my head as if I was his puppy. "Now let's get inside before my girl finds us schmoozing out here."

* * *

I bypassed the rest of them easily enough and made my way toward the first flight of stairs, still suffering the illusory effects of the Volvo in the garage. When I got to the second floor the door to the library stood out in the corner of my eye drawing me toward it because of everything it meant to me and all the comfort that lay behind the grand doors. I squeezed the keys in my hand and turned away promptly as I made the decision of which door to go to first. Marcus' room was on the third floor and the nursery was on the second. I turned in the unfamiliar direction of the nursery where Edward had pointed it out on the day of my so-called tour. I knew Marcus' door would have been harder to open because that one seemed more difficult for Edward, so I left it for last. My legs felt heavy as I walked through the quiet corridor. It felt spooky and grim as the lanterns progressively lost their glow with every step I took. I wrapped my arms around myself and glanced back once toward the light, where life was evident, licking my lips in an attempt to stimulate moisture in my dried mouth. Even the art and portraits on either side of the corridor looked gloomier in that wing. They looked bored in their neglected, immortal state and the eyes in the faces followed me, making me cringe and snap my head forward in chilling discomfort.

I saw the door that he had shown me. It was the last door at the end of the now darkened corridor. I looked back the way I came again and swallowed.

_How bad could it be?_ I asked myself mentally. It's not like the ghost of Elizabeth Masen Cullen lived in there right? I bit into my bottom lip and stepped up to the forlorn and neglected door and I dropped my arms to my side and dangled the keys in my hand. The wood needed varnishing and the knob was rusty. There were cracks in the frame that went down the entire length of it and I knew that when I opened it, it would creak like one of those doors in a goddamned haunted mansion. I started loosing my nerve, wondering what was the big deal in the first place and why I had been so bent on getting Edward to open up to me, but when I closed my eyes and thought about his words in his letter, I relaxed.

'_The two keys you hold are for Marcus' room and my mother's nursery. Together they are the only part of me which I have kept to myself. Now you have all of me.'_

I opened my eyes and pressed my open palm to the wooden door. So far so good; it didn't attack me. The next thing I did was lean in and press my ear up against it, as if there was something to hear on the inside. My eyes travelled up to the ceiling as I listened and surprise, surprise….there was nothing to hear. Like the idiotic coward that I was, I turned my face and put the other ear to the door to make sure because just perhaps, a hearing impediment in one ear had slipped past me my entire life.

_Foolish girl_, I thought to myself. _Just open the goddamned door._

I jammed one of the keys in the key hole then, choosing randomly. It took some effort because the hole was so rusty but I realized quickly that all I needed to do was grind my way through the build up of grime and after twisting and thrusting with the key, it gave slightly. A bout of adrenaline pushed me forward then and I grabbed the knob with my left hand and fiddled with it as I fought with the key in my right. Finally, it clicked open and the movement felt like a heavy load being overturned. Just then, a noise shot through the corridor and I jumped in surprise and clutched my chest in alarm. With wide, frightened eyes I searched the corridor for any sign of life, but saw nothing.

"Damn you Edward Cullen," I whispered to myself. "Damn you for making me do this on my own."

I remembered Uncle Phil telling me when I was little that the Catholic Church believed that when someone died their soul either went directly to heaven, straight to hell, or to purgatory; and that sometimes, some of the souls in purgatory were given the chance to visit or stay in the places or with the people they frequented while they were alive. I wasn't sure if it was true, or if it was just Uncle Phil's version of the truth, or just his way of trying to scare me about ghosts in my grandma's house when I was a child; but as I stood there before the unlocked door of one of the places Elizabeth would have frequented while she was alive, I had to wonder about the spirit of the woman who haunted the heart of my boyfriend.

With one last gulp, I tugged the key out of the hole and shoved it into my pocket, turned the rusty door knob and pushed the door in. The moment the door opened two things happened at the same time. A rush of musty stale air gushed toward me and Charlie's gap slammed into focus inside of my head.

"Still alive Charlie?" I whispered cynically to myself.

I blinked a couple of times trying to steady myself as a case of light headedness came over me. This time it came with the same sensations I had experienced on Monday in school right after the fight; a sharp burning sensation across my gums and right up my both nostrils. It felt like I had been cut and I had to run my tongue over my gums in order to assuage the irritation.

"God Charlie," I gritted through clenched teeth. "What is it now?"

Ever since Edward left I found myself feeling irritated and bombarded by Charlie's presence in my head, as if he were interrupting and making himself an obstacle. For the very first time in a long time I found myself feeling annoyed and angry with him and his suicide attempt did nothing to comfort me either. I was accustomed and ready to accept most things from Charlie, but suicide was not something I was prepared to deal with. Regardless of whether or not he hurt or even killed me in the process, I refused to believe that he could do something like that to Alice. As hardened as stubborn as she was, she had to have loved him still because a lifetime of love just couldn't be erased because you were angry with a person and if Charlie had killed himself it would have hurt her….despite her denial of the fact.

I stepped into the nursery and tried my best to forget about Charlie. It wasn't the time, even with his gap in my head. The room was very dim and awfully musty; the perfect recipe for an immediate sinus attack and thank goodness I wasn't susceptible. I had to cup my hands over my nose and squint into the dimness as I walked in. All I saw at first were various forms of shadows; ones that came up from the floor, ones that spread across the walls and some that hung from the ceiling. I passed my hand on the wall on the inside by the door in search of a light switch and was somehow surprised when the one I found didn't work.

"Why would it work Bella?" I asked myself. I pulled the door in some more to get as much light from the outside as possible realizing in all fullness that I was standing inside of Elizabeth's nursery without a single clue about what to do next. I groped my way around, toward what looked like some hanging fabric against a wall. When I got to it, I grabbed and yanked at it as hard as I could, guessing by the faint light behind it that there was a window there. The first veil fell to the floor in a cloud of dust and I sneezed. A stream of light clawed its way though the thick, dome shaped, grime covered window. I went to work feverishly after that pulling down every piece of hanging fabric across the wide wall and the one adjacent to it until a generous expanse of convex glass was revealed bending toward the outside in a dome shape covering most of the height and all of the length of the walls, realizing then that the room never needed the help of electricity in the first place. The window was designed in a way that would pull every glimmer of natural light from the sky into the room, covering the entire surface area with glass. However, the glass was stained and in dire need of a vigorous scrubbing and though the bit of light it allowed from the outside helped me to see more of the nursery, I knew that I would need to get a light bulb if I were to see any real detail.

The scene was ghastly. Most of the tables where I assumed once housed pots of plants were completely overgrown with dried, wild weeds and thorns. The floor was lined with pots and vases of all sizes and hanging from the ceiling weren't actual shadows, but weeds growing out of pots suspended by rope-like apparatuses. I saw cupboards next, against the wall by the door and shelves with all sorts of gardening tools and books. I walked through slowly, adjusting to the lack of light with my eyes and the stream line of dust going into my lungs. I dared to touch some of the hanging weeds and lifted a few so that I could see underneath. There were labels there, still stuck to the edges of the tables with the names of plants and flowers that once lived in those spaces. I read Gardenia True Love, Ixora Coral Fire, Metrosideros Tahiti, Elfin Argyranthemums and a bunch of other names that got progressively harder and harder to pronounce.

"Whatever happened to roses and daisies," I mumbled.

Among my discoveries were containers of fertilizer, watering cans, hoses, skewed gloves, plastic containers of things that looked like seeds, books, and a bunch of tools that I'd never know what to do with. An overwhelming wave of sadness struck me then as I looked at everything; exactly the way she had left it. Even the way the gloves were strewn, it looked as if she had taken them of and thrown them one on top of the other, across the table on her way out….and they hadn't been moved since. I rubbed my palms over my upper arms and bit down on my lip. It seemed like the door had been locked the day she died and no one had since entered; and that bothered me to no end. It was no wonder Edward still had so many unresolved issues to deal with and why the memories of his mother and brother had tormented him so much. He never got closure. Everything was just left in suspension and ignored in the hope that it would all fade away. The memories and lives of their deceased were locked away behind doors, left to rot and whither and be cluttered by dust and grime. Elizabeth and Marcus were still dying, every time a weed dried and fell to the floor and every time a piece of furniture caved under the weight of neglect.

I had to get out of there. The stink was unbearable and Charlie was making it virtually impossible to ignore him. I sneezed as I walked toward the door then ran my tongue over my gums again in response to the cutting sting that was getting worse. I shut the door behind me, locked it then shoved the keys into my pocket. As I made my way down the corridor, the scent of blood clamored through my nostrils. I stopped and bent my head backward as I felt the tickling sensation of the blood on its way out.

"Crap," I grunted. I needed to get to a bathroom to tend to it quickly before Alice texted that she was ready to leave. She would have freaked out and started to fuss if she discovered the nose bleed. I wiped at my nose with the back of my hand, then cupped my hands under my chin to catch any that might drip as I made my way hastily to a bathroom on the second floor. The moment I bounded the corner I crashed right into Carlisle. It was the first time I'd seen him since Edward had left.

"Bella?!" He cried out and grabbed my face between his hands. I rolled my eyes.

"What's next?" I muttered toward the ceiling as he pulled me down the hall behind him toward his second office.

"Sit," he ordered, pointing to a chair as we entered. He fetched some cotton swabs and buds, towels and a bowl of water and pulled up a chair in front of me. He went to work without talking at first, just feverishly wiping at my nose and pushing my chin up so that he could see inside. I moved my eyes away every time we got eye contact, cursing all eternity in my mind for my rotten luck and waited begrudgingly for his string line of questions to start. When he was that serious, he reminded me of my Edward; quiet and pensive but ready to shut me up if I dared try to belittle what was happening. His eyes were restless but knowing and his hands were very sure and as he held my face and did what he had to do. When he was confident that the bleeding had stopped, he shone a light up into my nose and nodded.

_Great, _I grumbled in my head like the stooge of all seasons_. Just shine your light right up in there why don't you. How flattering. _

"Let me know if you find any trolls," I grunted. He ignored me.

The next thing he did was hold my nose gently between his curled index and his thumb and twist at the bridge.

"I'm not going to find anything wrong with you, am I?" He asked with wary eyes.

I twisted my mouth and shook my head.

"Is it Charlie again?"

I nodded. He pushed his chair backward on its wheels and sighed as he deposited all his paraphernalia onto a table.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I haven't adjusted to it fully yet. I keep thinking that if I examine you close enough, I'll find something to diagnose."

His face was contorted in concentration and he seemed to be trying to figure something out but couldn't. He raised his head a little and his dubious look turned suspicious all of a sudden. I straightened up in the chair and prepared myself for his inquisition.

"What are your symptoms today?" He asked.

"My symptoms?"

"Yes," he said, keeping his eyes focused on mine. "Besides the nose bleed, what else are you feeling?"

"I don't have any other symptoms," I said, rising off the chair to make my exit. I wasn't comfortable lying to him, but I didn't like the idea of becoming his live experiment either and the look on his face right then was very much like an engaged mad scientist on the verge of a discovery. He stood up, put his hands on my shoulders and eased me back into the chair.

"There's no use hiding from me," he said as he sat again. "And don't give me that feigned confused look either. You know exactly what I'm talking about and you also know that _I_ know everything that's been happening. You experience symptoms related to your father often and you say nothing about it until something drastic happens. We can prepare ourselves for an attack beforehand if you let me know what's going on as soon as it happens."

I blinked at him with the most pathetic of blank expressions, but he saw through it.

"Look, I'm not trying to pry here. I'm trying to avoid the panic and the chaos that happens whenever you….get an attack, and I'm quite certain that _you_ hate all the drama as well."

God, I hated it when they all made sense. I severed our eye contact and bounced my heel off the floor in agitation, making it very obvious with my fidgeting that I was uncomfortable and therefore, hiding something. There was no other way out of it but the truth, because I didn't want to lie and the last time I hid my symptoms it had really pissed Edward off.

"We can contain the situation a lot better and keep it a whole lot private if you tell me everything the moment it happens. I promised Edward that I would monitor you but you have to cooperate with me."

My whipped my head back center to face him and I saw a hint of remorse flash through his eyes. He looked down into his lap then pressed his fingers to his temples. Needless to say, Edward's name on his lips alone sent me into internal hysterics but I managed to stifle my struggle and remain calm.

"If I tell you what you want to know, will you let me leave?" I asked.

He nodded.

"Ok."

I decided to give in to Carlisle's request and allow him to 'monitor' me, though I didn't like it but when I considered the chaotic alternative associated with my Charlie episodes, I surrendered. I was also interested to see how he planned to avoid or prevent the chaos of an attack. Those things were so sporadic and immediate that no amount of planning in the world could prepare any of us. I knew that, but he still had to figure it out on his own. There was also an opportunity to negotiate some interesting terms that probably wouldn't have been available to me if I didn't agree to cooperate.

"And if and when something happens again," I went on. "Will you bring me here instead of to the hospital…every time?" That would be such an enormous relief. Privacy was immensely treasured by me.

"It depends. I don't have a lot of the equipment here that I get access to at the hospital."

"What kind of equipment would you need?"

"I don't know Bella. Again, it depends."

"You've seen it happen twice so far. The attacks aren't so dynamic. They won't be any different than what you saw. Whatever equipment you used on me before will do. I promise. Can you get or borrow whatever you used on me then and keep it here…just in case?"

Medical equipment would never matter, but again, he would have to find that out on his own because no amount of convincing from me would work. I also knew that he wouldn't be comfortable unless he had his glorious scientific muscles to take him through the process. He would eventually realize that no amount of medicine or technical practice would help to pull me out. It was Edward who saved me the last time and I was one hundred percent certain that only he could do it again.

So requesting that Carlisle get his medical tools ready in his office….just in case….was merely for his benefit and peace of mind, not for mine. All I wanted was the agreement to keep me out of the hospital.

"Perhaps," he said after much thought. "I can work something out."

"No hospitals."

"No hospitals," he said rather cautiously.

"Thank you."

"Then? Your symptoms?"

"Lightheadedness, burning and stinging on the insides of my nostrils and on my gums. That's it."

He leaned into the back of his chair and crossed his arms across his chest.

"Only today? Or has it happened before?"

"Monday. After the uh….the fight."

"But those symptoms could have been effects from your fight."

"Have I been fighting today?" I raised an eyebrow.

He frowned in deep concentration.

"Carlisle," I said as I leaned forward. "It's not that complicated you know and I realize how outlandish that sounds coming from me, but I always know when something I feel is from Charlie. Besides, Victoria never touched my nose or mouth. She hit me across my cheekbones and that wouldn't cause a nose bleed nor would it make my gums sting."

"Is it _that_ distinctive?" He seemed awed. "How do you know the difference? How do you know it's him?"

"It's not really easy to explain," I sighed, hating this part.

"Can you try?"

I cringed visibly and pleaded with him with my eyes to let me off the hook, but he was way too entrapped in the mystery of my condition to feel sorry for my pride.

"You think I'm prying," he said.

"It's not that. I just don't like talking about it and I never had to before….."

"Before Edward," he finished, and again the sound of his name clashed painfully with something inside of me.

"Bella," Carlisle said as he leaned into me as well, so I sat back. His tone changed and took on that patriarchal, compassionate twinge that got him whatever he wanted from whoever he talked to.

"I know this whole situation with Edward is….."

"I especially don't want to talk about _him_," I interrupted and shook my head. "I can't."

He nodded and looked away with a very dejected, tortured look in his eyes and because I realized that he would have been suffering through his own kind of torment because of Edward's absence, I empathized and tried to talk a little bit more.

"The difference is very clear," I began. "When he comes to me, I feel his anxiety and fear from whatever it is he is experiencing. Something like a gap or a hole forms in my head and if I close my eyes I can almost see it. The gap acts like a bridge between Charlie's reality and mine and it's supposed to be able to separate our bodies in the real sense. I can feel his physical pain and it feels very real as if I too am damaged, but the actual damage ….is not supposed to transfer. That's why you can never find anything wrong with me when you examine me. All I feel is pain, but there is no source of that pain because the source is in Charlie's body. If I go unconscious, I usually just wake up from it naturally after it has run its course."

"You keep saying_ supposed to_ and that sounds quite indefinable," he said seriously as he pinched his chin. "Is it that the nature of your connection to him is altering somewhat?"

"Maybe," I shrugged and dropped my eyes to the floor. "I don't know, but what I have noticed is that the further away he is from me, and because of his current condition, the more I worry and panic about him, and perhaps that……" I sighed.

"Exacerbates it," he finished for me again.

I nodded.

"But if you know that, maybe you can learn to control it."

"Like I've said to Esme countless times, I can't help the way I feel about my father. If I worry about him it's because I love him and if controlling my connection to him means not worrying or loving him anymore or to a lesser extent, then it's pointless."

He nodded very slowly as he stared at me and continued to pinch his chin. The only thing missing from the image was a pair of spectacles balancing on the tip of his nose and a pipe in his mouth.

"As frightful as it is, it's also remarkably fascinating," he said, almost to himself.

"Well I'm glad I can fascinate you Carlisle," I grumbled.

He stood up then and ran his hand through his hair making my breath catch in my throat. He did it just like Edward and it wasn't the first time I had noticed it.

"Thank God your mental abilities aren't extended to Edward," he said and then shifted apologetic eyes to me. "I'm sorry, I don't mean it to sound…."

"It's ok," I said hurriedly and stood up. "Can I go now?"

"I mean, because that would have been near impossible for you to bear….two at the same time."

"Carlisle I said it was _ok_,' I snarled at him. "Can I _go_ now?"

"Promise me that you'll call me every time you experience a symptom, old or new. If I can keep track of them, I might be able to know when to expect an attack."

"You don't need my symptoms for that…..though I will tell you if you insist."

"What do you mean?"

"I always know when I'm about to go under. It will be obvious to me, but you won't know unless I tell you. Symptoms aren't red flags, they're too fleeting and temporary. I know about a big attack only a few seconds before it happens. If you're near I can tell you or perhaps manage to call you. And if do call you, you _must_ bring me here."

"_When_ you call me," he warned.

"Fine. Whatever."

He ran his eyes up and down my frame then cocked his head to the side.

"Are you still experiencing any of those symptoms you told me about?"

"No," I said. "He just left."

He knitted his eyebrows together, completely lost.

"My head Carlisle," I responded. "He just left my head."

I turned and walked to the door, but I couldn't leave unless I knew something about Edward first. When I got to the door and I stopped and turned back to Carlisle.

"Hey Carlisle?" I asked and dropped my eyes to the floor. "Have you uh…spoken to him, since he left?"

I glanced up at him and saw him sigh and take his seat.

"Yes," he answered and I nodded.

"How often?"

"You shouldn't torture yourself with that?"

"I want to know."

"Everyday," he said in a small voice.

I closed my eyes tightly and dug my nails into the door behind me. The wave of disappointment was too powerful to shake off. He spoke with Carlisle everyday, meanwhile I was literally breaking my neck and jumping at my phone to get to his _text_ messages. I didn't care what he said about it being too hard to talk to me or to hear my voice. That was bullshit. I wanted to hear him, I needed to hear him and suddenly there was nothing more important than just that. I hadn't called him either because of my pride, I know, but this entire thing was his idea and since he was the once who put distance between us, I thought the honorable thing for him to do was to draw first blood and be the first to call. Text messaging did not count as a proper means of communication in my opinion. It just made him seem farther away and I hated his ordinary words.

'_You haven't responded to me yet. Why? I miss you,' _was his message to me for the day so far.

Miss me? _God_, if only I could have reduced my feelings to the mere nuisance of 'missing,' I'd be as happy as a clown on a pogo stick. I didn't just _miss_ him. I worshipped him. I craved him. My soul was literally starving without him, more and more everyday. My heart ached like an irreparable wound and the more it hurt, the angrier I got and this was just a mere four days into his absence. What would happen if it went on for weeks, or God forbid, months? I shuddered to think.

"It was the only way I would let him go," Carlisle went on to explain. "I made him promise to call me everyday or I wouldn't agree."

"Has he asked about me?" I braved the vain question.

"You are all he asks about. He's interested in nothing and no one else."

"Did you tell him about my fight?"

"No."

My eyelids stung with tears and I had to bite down on the inside of my mouth in order to take my focus off of crying, but biting didn't help because a few rolled down my cheeks anyway.

"I have to go…thank you," I choked out and burst through the door and ran down the corridor in search of the stairs. I had to be alone. Alice hadn't messaged me yet to say that she was ready to leave and the last place I wanted to be then was in the games room with her and the rest of them, all happy, unaffected and in love with each other. I stopped when I got to the stairs and looked down then glanced back at Carlisle's office. He hadn't emerged. I turned my direction and headed for the second flight of stairs to the third floor. I needed to let it out in privacy, to stop hiding my pain and to curse him if need be for the hurt he intended for my father. I figured that breaking down was pathetic but it was the only thing that made me feel any better and despite how "wrong" it might have been…..I wanted to be in his room.

Once I made it to the third floor I took the familiar route down the hall toward the wing where his bedroom was and ran toward his closed door. I threw my weight against it and grabbed the knob to open, pausing to brace myself for the lash of his scent and everything else about him on the inside that would assault my dying nerves, but something distracted me. I swung my body around and pressed my back to the door, shifting nervous eyes over everything in sight. Something raised my pores, though I never knew what. Maybe I was just too worked up, way too emotional and halfway to looney town because of my stress, but I very literally felt the presence of something within the walls of that corridor. I'd never noticed it with such precision before that day, but there was something eerie about the emptiness and the silence of that large house. Being with Edward all the time perhaps filled both the silence and the emptiness, but without him, everything else about the place came into focus.

I remembered then, the day Carlisle had discovered me in Edward's room and called Edward away talk to him about his plans with Esme. I had been standing in that same corridor then, alone and in front of Marcus' room, feeling a very distinct temptation luring me toward the door, even though it was locked. At the time I had battled with my insecurities about being shut out of a part of Edward's life; and there I was a few weeks later armed with key in hand and no one to stop me from opening the door. The force was there again, like an irresistible whisper, getting through to the core of me much sooner than before. That door would be harder to open, I knew. That one carried the weight of a thousand withheld tears and stifled nightmares. I touched the cool brass of the door knob. It was not rusty like the one on the nursery. I dipped into my pocket and retrieved the key, knowing which one it would be. It was the second one with the red painted tip, shaped like a key to an old door of an ancient mansion, which one day, it would be.

With one last bated breath, I shoved the key into the hole and turned it.


	45. Chapter 45 Redemption

OOOoooohhhh.......I wish I knew how to attach songs to my chapters.

This one is a roller coaster guys. A LOT happens here. I'm sure you'll like it and I'm expecting lots of giggling and whooping comments at the end. Teeheehee! Edward is up next!! You won't want to miss it ;)

**Chapter 45**

**Redemption**

This door was harder to push than the last one, both because of my trembling hands as well as the thick carpet underneath; not to mention the cake of dust and cobweb clogging the hinges. I stood in the doorway and peered inside, gulping like there was something else to swallow besides the stale, musty air in the room. It was dim of course and _of course_ the frickin' light switch didn't work. I hated walking in there without the light and the temperature was cold, colder than it should have been and I guessed it was because the heater in there didn't work anymore. Something about that coldness made me uneasy, made me think of death.

The room was cold, dark, damp even and bunged with cobweb and must. I turned away instinctively and walked back out into the corridor, but exposing my back to the darkness in that room wasn't a good idea and I felt a chill crawl all the way up my spine. I swung back around to face it, took five awkward steps backward until my back was pressed against the wall in the hallway and for a long while I just stared in, squeezing the keys in my hand and trying to steady the unnatural rhythm of my heart, which by then could actually have been considered natural for me as everyday brought something else to create an internal racket.

"Do this," I tried to encourage myself. I pushed off the wall and made a second attempt making a mental note to walk with light bulbs the next time, and at that thought I cocked my chin up to the side and appreciated my mental accomplishment.

There would actually be a next time.

Once I was inside the room again I placed the keys back into my pocket so that my hands could be free to touch, and the silence was so painstakingly still that it actually hurt my ears. I'd noticed long before that day that the most quiet and still of silences came with a distant, high pitched, shrill kind of din that reverberates against the eardrums. Maybe I was more cracked up in the head than I thought, but sometimes it got so goddamned quiet that it actually seemed loud and I would need the comfort of white noise to create a halo of peace instead of spookiness.

I had to clear my throat as I walked inside just for the comfort of hearing something familiar, and it _would_ have been comforting except that the sound of my own awkwardness in such a surreal setting made me cringe a little. I made out in the dim light that the room was just as spacious as Edward's, as well as it was still furnished. There weren't any obstacles on the floor like in the nursery so I made my way around easily, walking directly toward the glint of light that bored its way in through the blinds along the far wall. I rushed over with a concentrated expression, biting down on my lip as I forced my courage to stay with me. I found the chords on one end against the wall like on the blinds in Edward's room and started pulling at them. It didn't budge at first but with a little more effort and a few beads of sweat the curtains started to part at the middle until finally there was some light in the room. He didn't have the glass paned wall like Edward's. Instead, he had five ample windows, high and wide, with a door on one end that led out on to a balcony. From the angle, I realized that the house turned at a point between the two rooms, shutting the view off from their balconies, each from the other.

I stood with my back toward the inside for a while as I looked out through the dirt coated balcony door, thinking. Even though the nursery was a place that was once special to their mother, it wasn't where she slept at night, or where she showered or had her most private moments. This place however was Marcus' and on closer inspection as I turned back toward the inside, I was almost shattered to discover that it was also…..Edward's. I gasped at what the light from the windows revealed. There were two beds, side by side in the center of the room, both modest in size though not in design.

"They shared this room," I whispered in awe.

It took me a few minutes to adjust to that revelation. I had assumed that they were always in separate bedrooms especially with the way Edward referred to this room as Marcus'. He had never said "theirs". I couldn't remember the conversation about it in great detail but then again, Edward hadn't been explicit about any memory or detail relating to his deceased, until now. I made my way over to the beds slowly. There were no sheets or pillow cases, though the pillows lay in place at the head of each bed. With a sickening lump in my throat I leaned over to touch the pillows on one bed and when I bent over I saw the letters etched into the headboard in childlike scribble.

'_edward.'_

I snatched my hand back to myself and gasped. That was his bed. I made my way over to the second bed quickly after that and read the etching on that headboard too…. _'marcus.'_

They labeled their beds for themselves….

I sat on Marcus' bed, completely lost in a strange and bizarre world of mystery, as my eyes fell on the two pillows. Could those have been the very same pillows he rested on during his last night in his bed? I took one of the pillows in hand and drew it into my lap, but something that sounded like a whispering zephyr caught my attention when I did it and I whipped my head around in alarm. Very quickly I put the pillow back in place and stood up. The balcony door was closed and even though the bedroom door was wide open, there was no way any breeze could have passed through there. Even though I didn't feel it, I could have sworn that I had heard it. I faced off with the shadows in the room for a few minutes in silence and gradually, my fists at my sides relaxed again as a strange, unknown sense of calm washed over me. I realized that even though I was jumpy, I didn't feel threatened. The same force that had been pulling me toward the room also wanted me to stay, and I use the word force very loosely because what it could have very well been was just my overactive and stringent curiosity about Marcus.

I moved away from the double beds then and started pulling the dusty sheets off of some of the furniture pieces. The stuffiness was almost unbearable, worst than in the nursery even with all its weeds and dirt filled pots and I figured that had everything to do with the dirt ridden, allergen infested carpet under my feet. I needed fresh air desperately, so I made my way over to the balcony door and fought with the inner latch until I unlocked it and pushed the door out onto the balcony. The fresh air hurtled in refreshingly and helped me to regain my focus.

From what I could see so far, there was two of everything. Removing some sheets revealed two low and wide chests of drawers and two desks to go with their two beds; and from the position of everything, I could tell that the set up of the room hadn't been touched either. I moved away from there and made my way toward the cupboards, but then I stopped, afraid to discover that Marcus' clothes were still hung on the inside. If everything else was still in place, what would have made them remove his clothes?

That discovery would have been much more than I was ready to handle, so I bypassed the cupboards and went through the door that led to their bathroom. The layout was unmistakably similar to Edward's current bathroom. There were double sinks, a vanity of sorts and all the other standard fixtures and fittings that came with masterly bathrooms belonging to mansions. I peeked into the shower, but on finding nothing particularly interesting in there, I left, beginning to feel like I was spying on the dead.

Once I was back in the bedroom I ran my finger in a line through the dust on one of the low chests. So far since entering either of the two rooms I hadn't been able to open a singe drawer or cupboard. I had only touched the things on the surface, but my curiosity got the better of me and I ended up taking the brass handle on the top drawer of the chest and pulling it open. It was full of random things like books, gadgets, loose pictures, whole albums and some CDs. My hands gravitated to the loose pictures and I took a stack off the top then positioned myself on the floor in line with the light coming in from the balcony door.

Readily I felt Edward's pain, and his loss was so suddenly overt to me that I wondered how he had ever managed to survive through it in the first place. My eyelids stung as I watched his face, years younger but indisputably his, perfectly matched by another, just as beautiful, at his side; and I couldn't tell the difference between the two.

It was haunting.

They were sitting on a bench in the yard behind the warehouse. I recognized the bench and I remembered that Edward had said that his mother had liked to sit on it and watch them play. I brought the picture closer to my face to look harder. _My God_, they were exactly the same, to the point where from just looking at the picture I was unable to differentiate between the two and single out which once was Edward. I went to the second picture, still trying to swallow the impenetrable lump in my throat. They were together again, hanging upside down from the lowest branch on the Oak, laughing wildly with vibrant green eyes and waving to the camera.

In the third one they were side by side on the sea somewhere, standing on the deck of a large boat. The picture caught their profiles as they looked out at something in the distance over the water. Their bronze hair was caught in the wind and they both squinted against the sun. Again, I found no differentiation.

The first hint of a difference between them met my eyes in the fourth picture. They were with Carlisle, bending over the engine of a car with its hood up, all three of them with black greasy hands, smiling and just….happy. The smile was what caught me. One little face had a straight, symmetrical smile perfectly centered with the rest of his face while the other had a smile that lifted one side of his mouth slightly above the other. The lazy, slanted smile made my heart sputter and I knew that face was Edward's.

By the fifth picture I was crying, experiencing the loss of a part of his soul that would surely never return to him. It made me want him more, want to hold him and kiss him and love him until he never knew what it was like to hurt like that again. In every picture of the boys, they were together. I had flipped through many and was still yet to find a single one where either of them stood apart from the other. Halfway through the disheveled pile I found the one that made every nerve in my body buckle and caught my breath sharply in my throat.

It had to be her. Those green eyes were too familiar to overlook and her hair was just as bronze as theirs, long and straight. In my mind I had pictured her with bouncy, wavy hair, but now that I saw it, I decided that straight was perfect on her. I couldn't decipher where the picture was taken, because her face and shoulders filled the frame completely. She smiled into the camera but it was posed, as if merely to humor the person behind the camera, but even so, she was breathtakingly beautiful with smooth fair skin and penetrating green eyes. Her lips were not full and pouty. They were thinner and modest with a curve that reminded me of Edward's. Her smile was so generous and wide that pouty lips would have been overpowering anyway. The resemblance between her and her boys was much more striking than any I could find between Carlisle and them. There were still similarities between Carlisle and Edward, like the pallor of their skin tone, the sharp lines and contours of their faces, and even the slight shadow under their eyes, which could have had more to do with the marks of their suffering more than anything genetic; but as far as looks went, Edward and Marcus were undeniably Elizabeth's boys.

"My God," I whispered as I dropped the pile on the floor and wrapped my arms around myself. A part of me wished that I could have experienced such an overwhelming thing with Edward, but after having gone through it, I decided that I preferred to do it alone. I would have held back the full show of emotion in front of him because I would have been completely focused on him and on how he was coping. I looked around the room again, feeling the weight of Edward's grief descend and all the reasons why he could be so blunt, edgy and harsh; yet at the same time so caring and passionate. He once had it all; a healthy, beautiful, perfect family, with the grand house and all the promises of a happy future but all that was left of it was locked away memories, covered in dust and cobweb, left to rot alone in the cold dark of a staid room.

On some level I was able to appreciate Edward and Carlisle's refusal to grab the bull by its horns and just clean away all the sadness in the house. A part of them wanted it to stay, because in a way it meant that that Elizabeth and Marcus were still in their lives if all their things were left in place; but I also saw decay and unrest and things that were frozen and ignored instead of preserved.

I folded my arms and nodded to myself as I felt some of the bitterness melt away inside of me. If Edward could be out there trying to save me from the demons in my life, then I would stay behind and save him from the demons in his.

* * *

"What on _earth_……what?!" I sprang up on my bed Thursday morning, groggy and irritated with sleep, to the most annoying clicking sounds against the glass panes of my window. I looked at my alarm clock. It was 9am. The suspension thing sure had a way of making me sleep an awful lot but no matter how much I slept, I still felt as tired as ever. The clicking continued. Some idiot was throwing stones at my window. I detangled myself from the sheets and clothes on my bed and shuffled over to open it. A flying pebble narrowly missed my face as it careened in though the opening and I stuck my head out to scream at whoever it was.

"Shit! Sorry!" Came the voice from below.

"Jacob Black, what the hell are you doing?!"

"Come down!" He waved up at me.

"I'm still sleeping," I called down, caring less about my sleep ridden appearance than I should.

"No you're not," he laughed up at me. "Look! The sun is out."

I turned my face up and frowned. "No it's not Jacob. The sun is never out in Forks."

"Come on! Come down," he laughed as he bounced up and down.

I swore that the person or institution who gave_ him_ a doctor rate in psychology….a doctor rate in _anything_, needed to be found and interrogated. He was way too childlike to be taken seriously. I threw on my robe and dragged myself down the stairs to the front door. When I opened it, there was a Ziplock bag of something rather suspicious being shoved in my face. I snatched it away and gave him a very aggravated look.

"What the hell is it?" I asked, not even looking at the bag in my hand.

"Your bread crumbs," he grinned, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"My what?" I asked, looking at it then in genuine perplexity.

"Bread crumbs. I parked my car a few blocks away and walked here. That way I won't have to take you home this time if you don't want and if you get annoyed with me along the way and decide that you hate my company, with your bread crumbs you can find your way back home."

I raised my eyebrows at him, not amused in the least and stepped aside for him to come in.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," I grunted, though it wasn't because the more I thought about it, the funnier it became. He remembered my comment about bread crumbs the day before.

"I've never been inside your house," he said as he walked in.

"Don't get used to it."

"Oooh, a morning person," he smiled. "Good morning Bella!"

"What makes you think that I have nothing better to do today than go walking with you and a bag of bread crumbs?"

"Hmmm," he raised an eyebrow and placed a finger on his lips. "Let's see. You're suspended. Everyone's either at work or at school, you're alone, you have no hobbies, your boyfriend's out of town…."

"Fine," I said raising a hand to shut him up. "You got me, but what makes you think I have no hobbies?"

"Well my ex-patient. I've had two sessions of getting into your head, so I think I know a thing or two about your lifestyle."

"I never said I had no hobbies in either of those sessions."

"Then do you?"

I tapped my foot on the floor and glared at him.

"I read a lot and I listen to music."

"Fine then. You can do those anywhere. Walk with a book if you want, and with your ipod."

"I don't want to go anywhere."

"Ok then," he said in amusement. "I guess you'd rather just sit here alone….all day…._with your thoughts_."

"You're evil."

He started laughing, thoroughly enjoying the way he axed me from my pretentious perch.

"I'm a damaged person," I grunted and shoved the bag of bread crumbs against his stomach. "You just can't say stuff like that to a damaged person. My thoughts really _do_ haunt me."

"You're not _that_ damaged if you can say it so casually."

"Whatever doc," I rolled my eyes. "I have to shower and have breakfast first."

"I'll wait," he said. "Where's your tele?"

"In there," I pointed to the sitting room.

So we went for the walk and I ate the bread crumbs which turned out to be seasoned croutons for breakfast; and he didn't have to drop me home afterward. He just walked me right back to my door and then went after his car. It was better than the last walk. We talked about nothing heavy or important, avoiding the topic of my health completely and I didn't get nearly so freaked out when he smoked this time. There were two times he tried to get me to talk about Edward but I blocked it and eventually he gave up. I found that Jacob was very comfortable to be around, mostly because I wasn't attracted to him the way I was to Edward when he and I first started spending time with each other, and also because he didn't come on as strong as Mike Newton did. He was fun and funny and I even found him to be a thrill seeker, which didn't completely suck. It made him interesting. His eyes lit up when he talked about the things he did at college and he had me completely engaged with his stories about bungee jumping, free falling, mountain biking, drag racing and his endless nights of smoking pot. I laughed and I laughed and it was remarkably therapeutic, but most of all, it was distracting. Even as my ex doctor, he found a way to give me therapy and I knew it was his secret intention.

"Again," I said. "How the hell did you make it through doc school? Had I known any of this before, there was no way Esme was getting me to go to you for any kind of professional or medical advice."

"When you got it, you got it," he shrugged with a grin. "Studying is easy for me. Once I enjoy what I'm doing, it's a breeze. I can do it in my sleep, though I did a lot of it in the gym."

It wasn't even arrogant the way he said it. It was honest and he wasn't bragging.

"In the gym?!"

"Hell yeah, you don't get these kind of muscles in the library you know," he winked. I stifled a giggle and turned away when he winked. It was flattering, but it didn't have the same effect like when Edward winked at me. God, the first time Edward did that, I almost had an orgasm and at the time I didn't even know what an orgasm felt like.

"Silly Jake," I laughed and shook my head.

* * *

Edward text messaged me later on that day when I was back home, and again, the hysteria to get at the message was ridiculous.

'_Again, I miss you. More than is bearable. I wish you would respond. Sorry to bother you while you're at school.'_

"You wish I would respond? I wish you would just call me!"

It was a good thing I was home alone when I got it, because the temper tantrum that ensued would have easily been misinterpreted as me losing it again. Edward obviously didn't know that I was suspended. Carlisle hadn't told him and I wondered why. Carlisle spoke to him everyday and apparently Edward asked about me, so why the hell didn't the topic of my fight come up and why was Carlisle hiding it? I should have realized even before I asked Carlisle that Edward didn't know, because had he known, he would have certainly sent me a few wordy messages about it especially since Victoria was involved. He would have been fuming with rage and possibly even careening back to Forks just to give me a proper chastising about it.

I expelled an impatient breath of hot air out of my lungs. It was 1:30 pm according to the time on the stove clock. I needed to use the bathroom so I made my way up the stairs when all of a sudden Charlie was back, sending me swaying on the last two steps at the top.

"Oh no," I gasped. It was everything unbearable in just the matter of seconds. I felt light headed, dizzy, exhausted and breathless. I managed to stay upright long enough to make it to the bathroom and use it. After struggling through that, I stumbled into my bedroom and tripped over the mess on my floor, close enough to my bed, thankfully, so that I fell right onto it. I started to panic. I clawed my way to the top of the bed and sat with my back pressed against the headboard, just in time to welcome the spill of blood from my nostrils.

"What?" I gasped, grabbing the nearest thing I could find to catch the blood. I rested my head back and closed my eyes, trying to drag in as much air as I could through my mouth. The gap widened then with the same kind of ferocity as the last time and I knew I didn't have much time.

"Charrrrrlie," I groaned as a flash flood of sweat started spurting out through my pores. It was terribly hard to breathe and I had to resort to rapid short inhalations to get any air in at all. I shut my eyes tight and tried my hardest to still my shaking limbs.

"Edward," I whispered breathily. "Edward, where are you?"

When I opened my eyes the entire room was spinning and that brought on the most merciless feeing of nausea. I managed to grab my cell off my nightstand next to me and I dialed as the blood dripped into my lap and onto my chest. Everything flabbergasted me. The smell of the blood, the discomfort of the trickling as it ran out of my nose, the hair in my face, the clutter on the bed. I had to get it all away from me, or else I was sure to pass out from suffocation.

"Bella?" Carlisle answered. "What is it?"

"Come get me….quick," I panted. "It's…happening." I breathed. "Right now. No time."

"Christ!" He responded. "Are you home?"

"Yes."

"I'll be right over. Focus on your breathing Bella and _nothing_ else!"

_Easier said than done_, I thought.

When he hung up I dropped the phone in my lap and kicked away what I could of the clutter around me, feeling the most desperate urge to vomit from all the spinning.

"Ugh!" I cried out, slamming my back into the headboard again. I stretched my torso out as long as I could and pressed down hard on my knees with my legs folded Indian style. Images of Charlie's face swarmed in and out of my head at break neck speed, accentuating the spinning sensation. Instinctively, and in the midst of my panic, I couldn't help but think about his safety. I worried that he was alone like me but with no help like I had from Carlisle, and for the first time since Edward's departure, I wished that he would find Charlie immediately, so that he could help him and take him to the hospital.

"Edward," I gasped again with tightly shut eyes, terrified about what was about to happen without him there at my side. I knew that I would have to use my mind and try to summon his image and presence on my own if I was to make it out again. I tried to focus on his face instead of Charlie's, in the hope that the distraction would keep me from falling like the last time; and I knew that the fall was coming because already the black walls started to creep in and I had to open my mouth wider to get as much oxygen as I could into my lungs.

In that instant I didn't care about my pride anymore. I didn't care about my anger or hurt. All I cared about was getting to the sound of Edward's voice. I felt around frantically in my lap for my cell with closed eyes and a perfectly upright torso, wanting to call him and have him talk me through it but my haste was to my detriment and I ended up knocking the phone to the floor instead. I opened my eyes to look, but the room was spinning so hard that I had to squeeze them shut again.

'_Focus on your breathing Bella and nothing else_,' Carlisle had said. So I tried to.

_How many minutes is it from here to the hospital_? I wondered because Carlisle would be coming from the hospital. And because I was trying to focus on my breathing, every other distraction barged its way in.

_Did the phone fall far from the bed?_

Focus on your breathing.

_Is the front door locked? Shit. Of course it is. How will Carlisle get in?_

Focus on your breathing.

_Will I be able to make it down the stairs to let him in? _I opened my eyes and grunted in dejection_. Never!_

Focus on your breathing.

_Is Charlie alone? Will he know what to do? He has always managed to make it to the hospital somehow. Why don't you stop doing this Charlie?! Why won't you stop?! You took Edward away from me because you won't stop. I'm starting to hate you Charlie!!!!_

Focus on your breathing.

_No! I can't hate you. I'm sorry! I love you. But I'm so angry with you right now. I want you to stop! I want you to stop! _

Focus on your breathing!!

_I wonder if Carlisle would come up through the window for me. I wonder if I could jump out. Would he catch me?_

Focus on your breathing!! Focus on your breathing!! Focus. Focus. Focus!!

_How many more minutes? How many more……._

* * *

"Bella!!!" It was Esme bursting through my bedroom door. Ah! I should have guessed that Carlisle would have called her. "Oh my God! Carlisle! She's already unconscious! What do I do?!"

Was I already unconscious? Maybe it had just happened and I was still slipping away.

"Nothing," he answered firmly. "I'll take her. Just follow me to the car."

I faced off with Charlie in my head. I saw his face and I felt the darkness and I felt his pain. He had a terrible migraine and the pain of it crashed through my head. I grabbed on to his face with my mind and held him steady so that I could scream at him.

_You're making me hate you!! _I screamed into his face. _I want to love you! But you're making me hate you!! What are you doing to yourself Charlie?!! What are you doing to _me_?! Would you see me die just to avenge the hate you have for yourself?! _

But he did not answer, he only wept and his face was distorted as he gaped in horror at the closing in walls around us.

_You want to die!_ I screamed at him. _You want to die! But I don't want you to die! I want you to live! And _I _want to live. I won't let you take me. Not yet! Not until I've seen Edward again. I have to see him again. Where is Edward?! What have you done with him? Is he with you? Are you hiding him from me? You want me all for yourself don't you??!! I want to see him. Send him back home. Send him back to me! _

But Charlie only wept as he pulled away from my grasp, flashing all over my mind in torrents of despair and fright.

_You're afraid?_ I felt the black walls close in tighter and I felt the floor underneath my feet cave, though there was no floor to begin with but nevertheless the fall started and I screamed the whole way down, this time in anger and in rebellion as opposed to the gut wrenching terror from the time before.

_Nooo!!!_ I screamed. _I won't let you take me!!! NO!_ I pushed my arms out and shoved with all the might in my mind into the devious walls at my sides until my descent started to slow.

_How dare you take this away from me! I've given you all of me!! Now all I want is Edward. He's all I want!! I won't let you take me. I won't let him fail. If I let you take me, it means that he has failed! Stay away from me! Get out! Get out! GET OOOOUUT!!!_

I slowed down some more and Charlie's face grew angry and his eyes turned red and his head bulged and contorted until he was the monster from my dream. He roared at me and he stretched out to catch me. I cowered at first, shocked by the swift transformation and the moment I faltered I felt the weight of my thoughts pull me down again_,_ but I snapped out of it quickly and pushed my arms into the walls harder, determined not to let it close in on me completely, determined to hold my weight up. My inspiration was Edward. My longing to see him again gave my arms the strength they needed to slow my fall.

"…_..__that mind of yours inside of there is possibly _the_ most powerful thing I have ever been acquainted with__."_

His words resonated with that memory and I clung to it, sucking every ounce of strength I could from it. I slowed down even more, embracing for the first time the ability within me to fight Charlie off. The monster's face went all sad-like then and puppyish, whimpering and begging me with its eyes to not turn away from him. My heart jolted when I saw it and I felt the urge to let go and go to him, to hug him and let him rest his head on my shoulder but when my arms budged to move, the sucking gravitational force beneath me pulled like a vacuum from the bottom of the black hole, just waiting for me to let go.

"_That is one powerful fucking weapon you have in there." _It was Edward's words again, just when I needed him. I dug my hands in deeper and screamed down at the monster in livid determination.

_I'm leaving you Charlie! This is my redemption!! I-WILL-NOT-GO!!_

Then just like that, I opened my eyes and the gap gradually faded away.

"My _God_!" I heard Carlisle cry out.

"Bella?" Esme appeared over me, urgent and searching with wild panicked eyes. "You're ok?"

I nodded and sat up in a daze, though my breathing was still rapid and I was sweating. When I looked over at Carlisle, he was staring in amazement with one hand on his hip and the other planted in his roots. He gawked at me with an open mouth as Esme wrapped her arms around me and squeezed tightly. I hugged her back, though I was still suffering the effects of the illusion I had just experienced, but above all, I was suffering from the shock of what I had done.

I had just fought Charlie off, on my own….willingly.

I frowned into Esme's shoulder as my eyes flashed everywhere, restlessly. A part of me doubted it, a part of me worried about it and a part of me rejoiced slightly in it.

"Just like that," Carlisle uttered with a cynical laugh. I looked over at him again. "Just-like-that," he repeated.

Esme let go of me with a sigh and went over to him. She was the only one that could offer him comfort through his disbelief, because I couldn't. She would have to hold his hand and walk him through it every time it happened, as he was clearly still having an extreme amount of difficulty accepting it.

She tried to hold him, but he side stepped her and came to me.

"You feel no discomfort," he said.

I shook my head in the negative.

"Dizziness? Weakness? Pain in your chest? Heavy limbs? Nausea?"

"No."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing."

"It all just disappeared! Just like that?!"

I pinned my lips together and glanced at Esme. He picked up his stethoscope and listened to my heart beat frowning with every muscle in his face, then he pressed at my stomach a little, then he shone his light into my mouth and ears, then he checked my blood pressure.

"Ah ha! Well at least your blood pressure is low," he said.

"Carlisle!" Esme gasped disparagingly.

"I'm sorry," he closed his eyes and let out a sharp breath. "Bella, I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound happy about it. It's just……I'm sorry. It obviously isn't good news. I only want…"

"A medical explanation for it," Esme retorted from behind him. "You will find none Carlisle. We've been through this already."

He turned his head to the side and clenched his teeth, then raised his eyes to mine and apologized to me again without words.

"It's ok," I said to him. I didn't care really. I was still adjusting to my new accomplishment. I figured it would be hard for him, because it was unscientific and he was firmly planted in his scientific beliefs. I also knew though, that his adjustment would come with time.

"Thank you for bringing me here."

"You didn't give me enough time to accumulate the equipment we talked about," he said to me.

"Did you need any of it?" I asked with raised eyebrows. He frowned and shook his head, to which I nodded, passing him the silent message. He was getting it slowly, but surely.

"Once you have an oxygen tank nearby, we'll be ok," I said. He nodded.

"Mom," I turned to Esme and she stepped forward, still visibly upset with Carlisle. "Would you hate it if I asked you to call Charlie? Just to make sure."

She shook her head and handed me her cell.

"You do it," she said. "I'd kill him telepathically if I could."

I excused myself and took the phone out into the hall, leaving the two of them inside to battle out whatever they needed to. I ringed Charlie about four times before I restlessly settled for leaving him a voice mail instead.

"I can't find him," I said as I went back into Carlisle's second office. I couldn't deny that I was panicking about Charlie. I had left him in there, but who knew if he had managed to get out too?

"I got myself out, but I don't know if…..he….."

Esme came over to me and hugged me. There were no words to comfort me then. The only thing I could do was wait. I thought about Edward and I wondered where he had gotten to in his search. It was five days already and I had absolutely no idea about what was happening with him.

"How much progress has he made?" I turned to Carlisle with a direct stare. I never thought I'd feel it so resolutely, but I actually willed Edward to find Charlie as fast as he could.

"If you mean Edward, he's very close," Carlisle answered. "I believe they've narrowed it down to two new addresses both within two blocks of each other. They're staking out the both places tonight to find out which is his. Apparently he hops around a lot or else they would have found him sooner. He'd already moved on from the last three places they checked."

I was hearing everything but one word in particular stood out above the rest.

"They?" I asked with a concentrated frown.

Carlisle and Esme exchanged a wary glace and I put my hands on my hips.

"Yes," Carlisle continued. "He has help."

"Who?" I asked, taking a step forward, my eyes flashing between both his and Esme's.

"James. A guy he sometimes plays with in a band."

I remembered James very well, sketchy kind of guy, wild and jittery but very good with an electric guitar. He was also Victoria's infamous ex-boyfriend, the one that apparently knew a few things about her past that put some punch behind Edward's 'wild card.' How did I _not_ know about James' involvement in this?

"Why on earth is James with him?" I asked.

"Do you know James?" Esme asked.

"I met him once."

They glanced at each other again and Esme opened her mouth to ask another question.

"Not the point mom," I stopped her before she started. "Why is he with Edward?"

I'd actually said his name out loud and surprisingly enough, it didn't hurt quite as much as I thought it would. Carlisle sighed and sat in a chair then leaned back and started running his fingers through his hair. Again it reminded me of Edward and I felt the nostalgia grip me.

"James is apparently good at…..tracking people," he answered and I saw that he was trying very hard to be careful with his words. I was so sick and tired of everyone hiding things from me, like I was this breakable, fragile thing that needed to be sheltered 24/7.

"I don't get it," I went on. "James is a musician, a wanderer. What does he know about tracking people?"

Esme moved closer to Carlisle and rested a hand on his shoulder. My eyes followed every movement they made.

"Carlisle?" I prompted him.

"He used to be a bounty hunter," he answered eventually.

I nearly fainted again.

"A boun?….a buh….? A Buh…"

"A bounty hunter," Esme finished for me, which rewarded her with a pinching glare.

"I heard him the first time," I shot at her. I started to pace the floor of the room with my hands on my hips, every now and again shoving my hair behind my ears. Of all the ludicrous revelations, a bounty hunter in search of my father had to be the most shocking, and why was it a secret?

"I don't like it," I mumbled, flustered and feeling all over the place.

_This is exactly why they kept it from you_, I told myself. _You can't freak out. Stay calm._

"What are they going to do with him when they find him? We don't know anything about James. What if he hurts him? Charlie won't let them restrain him you know. He won't let them take him anywhere! He'll want to fight. What if James hurts him? Does he have…..my God! Is he armed?!"

Carlisle stood up then and came over to me and held on to my shoulders.

"I promise you he is not armed," he said with a direct stare into my eyes. "I met him before they left and I got their word that they would not hurt your father. They know Charlie's not dangerous."

"But how do you know for sure that it won't get out of control? How do know that he won't try to hurt him?"

"I won't know Bella, but _you_ certainly will," he said and dropped his hands from my shoulders. He was right of course. If they tried to hurt him, I'd know. I'd feel it.

I relaxed a little with that.

"Once they find him," Carlisle continued in a more subdued voice. "James will leave Edward with him and return to Port Angeles or wherever else he wants. Edward will be careful."

I wondered about Edward's plan. I knew Charlie wouldn't just let Edward scoop him up and bring him back to Forks; never in a million years. Charlie would resist until his last breath. Edward would have to try to convince him somehow to get treatment and that would be the biggest challenge he'd ever have because Charlie was as obstinate as a mule.

Once again, I was agitated with the whole thing. If there was anyone to get through to Charlie it was me. It should have been me. How could Edward possibly think that he'd have any effect on Charlie's decision without me? I raised accusing eyes to Carlisle then and headed toward the door.

"You know," I said over my shoulder. "I get why he felt like he needed to run down there to help me, but he should have asked for my help. He should have taken me with him, I could have helped. Charlie's _my_ father. I'm the one that knows him better than anyone else in the world. I should be there right now. I should be there with them."

"Bella," Esme spoke up. "That would have been terribly dangerous…"

"I want to go home now," I said to her, still with my back turned to them. "Please."

* * *

A few hours later I lay on my clean bed; clean because I had pushed and shoved everything off onto the floor. It was about 4pm in the afternoon and I still hadn't heard from Charlie yet. I called him again from my cell but he didn't answer and not hearing from him or knowing if he was ok, or alive, worried me.

Then there was Edward. I tossed and turned as I thought about him out there somewhere with James, staking out two places in search of Charlie, skulking around in the dark like two predators waiting to pounce on their prey. I tried my hardest to think positively and to trust in Edward's kindness, because I knew he had it in him to be a mean motherfucker when he wanted to be, as he would say, and Charlie was as temperamental as they came. Two negatives made a positive only in Mathematics and I knew that Edward and Charlie would clash badly. I just knew it.

For a moment I regretted making Esme take me home. If I had thought better at the time, I would have stayed with Carlisle to get the ball by ball as Edward called about the progress of his stake out. I was sure that Edward would call Carlisle the minute he found Charlie. If that 'manboy' knew what was good for him, he would find a way of letting me know too. I hated being shut out like I was, over-protected and held at arms length from everything that was happening. Charlie was my father and I felt like I had a right to know what was happening as soon as it happened.

I sat up in my bed and wondered if I should drive back to Carlisle's place so that I could sit with him and wait. My anxiety made it near impossible to relax and being alone with my thoughts was only making it worse.

Before I could even put action behind the thought, Edward's gap crept into my head with a light glow, bringing with it the most embarrassing and sensational warmth that spread through my core and held me in the most private parts of my body. The pleasure was so blinding that I fell back against my pillows involuntarily, bewildered. The moment I hit the bed, his white light brightened and cascaded through me, touching every single living molecule inside of me. My breath hitched and I grabbed the sheets at my sides in a desperate, befuddled clutch. My head fell back and gasped out loud, unable to fight or stifle the riveting sensations that rubbed against the same parts that he had touched with his hands and tongue.

"Oh my God!" I cried out as something warm clasped and vibrated over my clitoris, drawing a moist, appraising response from inside. I was hot all over suddenly and my breathing broke up, matching the chaotic pace of my clamoring heartbeat. "_Edward_?_!_"

I glanced at the door, worried that someone would come knocking at the most inopportune moment. That fleeting glance was all I could spare as his presence within me demanded every ounce of my attention. I had no choice but to close my eyes and throw my head back again as the heat raced through me and centered itself over my throbbing and fast swelling clitoris.

"What's happening?" I gasped breathily as my legs parted themselves. "What's happening?! Uhh!! Shit. Shit. Uh!_ Oh_!"

Whatever it was, it couldn't be stopped and I wasn't sure that I wanted it to either. It was definitely Edward and it was the first time I had felt him since he left. It was also the first time something of that nature had ever transferred to me. I never expected to feel him in that way across the distance, and despite the pleasure of his erotic trance, I couldn't help but fear the very real possibility that perhaps...he wasn't alone. At the time however, my concerns had no precedence over the bodily sensations. He was fast, and with every second the tantra intensified, rocking me back and forth on the bed, making me groan, pant and touch myself in ways I'd never touched myself before. My eyes were tightly shut, I was sweating, my eyebrows were pinned together and every muscle in my body was clenched. I had no choice but to surrender myself to its inebriating power. It won me over.

The heat pressed and slithered between my legs in one last shattering flicker, shooting it's way up inside of me. I screamed out his name with an arched back and trembling legs as I exploded from my insides.

"Edwarrrrd!"

I rode it out with my bottom lip between my teeth, face flushed and glowing with sexual sweat. When it was over I slumped down onto my pillows, shocked and confused; spent and embarrassed. The fear finally took its course then. I had just felt Edward's orgasm, an orgasm he didn't know I could feel.

I knew better than to think he would go with another girl. He loved me. But in my state of vulnerability I worried about the various possibilities behind his orgasm.


	46. Chapter 46 Never as glorious as

Heeeeere's Edward! Took me long enough. Damn the world for giving me other shit to do when the day comes….

Buckle your seat belts ladies. He's raw and he's crass and in a very mad mood.

**Chapter 46**

**Never as glorious as it should be (EPOV)**

It took us five days to find the fucker. James was truly a genius. I'd never seen anything like it before. He was ruthless when he had to be, torturous and bribing, conniving and manipulative, working his way through the network of countless assholes and hustlers on the street in no fucking time at all. It was no shock to me that he had connections in high places too. We figured out what bank Charlie had his credit card with by tracking it through the phone company. The day Bella was unconscious in the hospital in Forks, I answered Charlie's call and though we barely talked, I wrote down his phone number from her caller ID and was able to give it to James as a lead. Charlie paid his phone bill with his credit card so once we got the CC number we were able to get the first glimpses of him through his purchasing activities with the help of James' connections in the bank. We followed him at a distance for a couple of days through Opa Locka, Florida and it was no fucking wonder we had to trace his footsteps through various little shit holes in the city. The bitch never stayed put in any one residence for too long. We found three addresses for him at first, all of which were located in the kinds of places that had my true fucking rich boy colors _screaming_ to the surface. Every time we had to walk through the wraithlike alleys that were infested by human vermin to get to his so called front door, I got a little more traumatized, and every time we got the fucking place wrong, my contempt for Charlie etched itself a little bit deeper.

The story was always the same at every new place….

"_That fucking good fuh nuthin rat wouldn't pay his rent, so I kicked him the fuck out. No I don't know where he is and I don't fuckin' care."_

I thanked my lucky stars that I had James with me and that he was sufficiently covered in tattoos and piercings with his messy blond ponytail and dark coal like eyes. He fit right in those vermin infested alleys because he looked like half of them and sometimes even worse so we didn't stand out too much. He tried to get me to dress the part and to toughen my appearance a bit, but I felt ridiculous and apart from the very genuine scowl on my face, there wasn't much else I could have done to help the way I looked.

I kept in contact with Carlisle every day like he asked, though I would have preferred to just do what I had to do and let him know when it was all over. Calling Forks everyday became burdensome especially because every time I did it, I felt more and more like an ass bag for neglecting to call Bella. I was so near the end of my reserve with every passing hour, surrounded by every definition of scum, danger, stink and decay that even the slightest hint of her voice would have had me scampering all the fucking way back to Forks to the warmth of her arms, the smell of her skin and the charm in her smile…._.fuck_; and if I had let that happen then all my efforts, even hurting her in the process, would have been for nothing.

I also knew that she was pissed off because of the way I left and because I couldn't tell her why right away. And because I knew what Charlie meant to her, I knew she would have strongly objected to my mission. So I guess that a part of my reason for not calling initially was because I was afraid to face the blade of her wrath so soon. I also figured that she would have wanted a part of it. She really wanted to know where Charlie was and I didn't feel like being faced with the guilt trip for not taking her along with me. And after being in the places we had to go through to look for him, I was so fucking glad that I didn't falter where that was concerned because there was no fucking way I was taking Bella in any of those places to find her father; no _fucking_ way.

With every passing day my reserve withered. The days felt like centuries and sleeping in cheap, dirty motels all over the fucking place was driving me so crazy that I almost copped out on James a few times, wanting to move into a proper hotel or some shit, but he wouldn't have it. He kept saying that it wasn't a fucking vacation and that we had work to do and that the more uncomfortable we were, the faster we would work to get the fuck out of there. I got increasingly more irritated as time passed and by Thursday night I was restless and jittery and swearing like the same motherfucking filth I loathed and was faced with everyday out on the streets.

God, I was turning into them. Like I said, my true rich boy colors came shining the fuck through and it was evident very early on in the mission that I could not have done any of it on my own and that I was terribly susceptible to the environment that I was in.

James on the other hand was as calm as fuck….if fuck is even what you would consider calm. He played his guitar every night in the stench of the motel rooms, smoked pot, ate cheap Chinese take out and talked endlessly on his cell phone; either sourcing more information or calculating shit about our next move with his people in high places. I never knew who he talked to. It was confidential. His sources could not be revealed because they were obviously breaking a few laws and sticking their necks out to help us. I didn't really care about any of that anyway. All I wanted was to find Charlie and fast. I didn't care how the fuck we did it.

The only thing that offered me any kind of calm during my first few days there was focusing on the picture of Bella and me at the school dance on the night I left. I stared at it like a perverted, delusional mental case for endless minutes at a time and when I couldn't stand it anymore, I would pull out the one of Charlie; the one Esme smuggled out of one of Bella's albums to loan me so that I would have an idea of what the prick looked like. That picture brought me right back down to earth every time and offered me the anchoring force I needed to stay in place and focus on what I was there to do.

Needless to say, the resemblance between Bella and Charlie struck me like a bullet to the heart. She was the splitting image of the man, more so than Alice. They had the same dark brown hair, the same big, sad brown eyes, the same shape mouth and even the same fucking expression. She was like a fucking female carbon copy of him and the strength it took to not tear that photo to shreds because of it was more than I had in me, so I had to keep shoving it back into my pocket where it couldn't torment me anymore.

"I'm coming to get you Charlie," I grunted the first time I looked at it on the plane. "And you better not make it hard for me to find your sorry ass."

Thinking about Bella while I was down there drove me half mad. I missed her irrefutably, to the point where it created a fucking welt in my chest. I dreamt about her every night and every morning I awoke with throbbing morning wood which I neglected because I'd always have to rush to get out with James. I worried about her too. I kept thinking that I had to get to Charlie sooner and find a way to monitor him because I hated the idea of something happening to her in my absence because of him. I worried that she would get sick, I worried that she was beginning to hate me because of her silence and refusal to answer my text messages, I worried that I was seriously betraying her trust in me and I worried that she would never look at me the same way again after what I'd done.

Every night I tortured myself with the will to call her. I held my cell in my hand and struggled with the urge to dial her number, but every single time that week, I lost to my cowardice and chucked my phone away in frustration only to lose myself in a pot fest right afterward with James, just so that I could fucking forget.

Thursday was the day it all changed. James got two new addresses early that morning on one of his phone calls. The addresses were just two blocks apart. Apparently Charlie had already moved on from one and was living in the other, though we weren't sure which one because they were both so current; so we decided to stake out the both places that night.

I was ready to go along with whatever plan he came up with, anything to get my hands on Charlie. James sensed my inflamed agitation and the way it escalated everyday and he worried about it. He kept trying to talk me down. He said that I had to be cool because there was a very good chance that if we found Charlie he wouldn't be alone and being agitated and tense the way I was only made me an easier target. But it was impossible for me to be calm. Even while sitting quietly in the car on any given night, I could feel my blood gushing and my pulses twitching; but I tried. I tried really fucking hard to focus and to keep Bella at the forefront of my thoughts because she was the only calming influence on me and I knew that the reason for my irritation was attributable to the fact that I was too close to the situation as opposed to James who was merely hunting a stranger. It was a job to him, but to me, it was everything. It was Bella's life.

We had planned to leave the motel at 7:30 on Thursday night. We even checked into a different motel earlier that day, further away from the target so that we couldn't easily be traced afterward. At 7o'clock, before we left, I excused myself to the bathroom to get rid of some of the pent up frustration and hormones that I had building up in me all week long. Morning wood was nothing compared to jacked up blue balls after dreaming about your woman every night and I had ignored my shit all week, partly because I was disgusted by the conditions in those motels and jacking off to imagery of Bella in that environment just seemed wrong somehow. By Thursday night however, it was all I could take and the fact that she ignored my text messages only made her more ominous in my head, so I just had to take care of that shit.

I jacked off in the bathroom and broke out into a sweat as I thought about all the things I could have been doing to her instead. It didn't take long because of how much I had backed up and because of how agitated I was, but once I was done I felt lighter, more relaxed and ready to take on the night.

At 7:30pm exactly we were sitting outside the first address. I had to admit that the look of the place wasn't nearly as frightening as the last few places we'd stalked. I sat in the passenger seat of the rental and rolled down the window so that I could light a cig.

"How the fuck will we know if he's here if we don't go in?" I asked James.

"Hold tight," he said, pulling on his own cig. "You gotta wait until we don't have an audience. If he puts up a fight we don't want other bored fuckers getting involved."

I looked around at the few stragglers hanging around at various points on the long, dark street. Even the street lights didn't work properly. They kept flickering on and off, never choosing an actual fucking mode to settle in. The car smelt cheap and the seats were covered with plastic which stuck to the back of my arms and made me sweat. Everything irritated me. I was on edge all fucking week. I pushed my fingers through my hair and twitched in alarm when I heard something click in the seat right next to me. James had a fucking gun in his hands and he was cocking it. I straightened up immediately and gaped at him like he was out of his fucking mind.

"What the fuck is that for?!" I screeched with wide eyes. "We said no fucking guns!"

"Will you fucking relax," James snorted and waved the gun in my face. "I know what I'm doing. I'm not a seventeen year old kid with a distorted ego."

"I will not fucking relax James," I retorted. "You said no fucking guns. Where the fuck did you get that?! I can't let you go in there with that?"

"Where I got it is none of your business and besides, it's not for Charlie," he said and tossed his cig out of the window. I raked my fingers nervously through my hair and bent over. Thank God for the Morphine Carlisle packed for me. He only packed two shots and I was already on my second. The injury in my right shoulder was almost completely healed, though I took my pills every day on time, just in case there was any discomfort that would transfer to Bella. The morphine, I needed that night, in case of any impending struggle with Charlie or whoever else he might be with, even though the discomfort in my shoulder had gone away for the most part and was only very slight. I still didn't want to take any chances where Bella was concerned.

"Then who the fuck is it for?" I demanded with all ten fingers rooted in my hair.

"It's for in case he has bad company," James said, looking over at me. "Listen kid. I'm not new to this, nor am I some stupid fucker about to barge into a man's house, not knowing who or what he's got inside there. I'm prepared."

"But you didn't have it on you before. What's so special about tonight?"

"I've had on me ever since Tuesday," he answered calmly, turning his attention to someone passing very near the car. "You just didn't know."

"Jesus," I gasped and bent over again to take a deep breath. "If Charlie gets hurt man, I won't be able to return to Forks." Then I looked at him with anxious, worried eyes. "Do you understand what I'm saying James? If that man gets hurt with that gun, I am _fucked_."

"Charlie will not get hurt. At least not with this gun," he grinned. "I'll leave the drunk to you. Just leave everyone else to me."

He licked his lips deviously and his coal like eyes flashed in the dark of the car. That was the first time I saw the bounty hunter in him. He was different that night, primed, driven and excited, like a drug addict on a high and I knew that was the night; the night I had been waiting for. I looked into his beady black eyes and saw that I had awoken the sleeping fucker in him; the bounty hunter that wanted to come out and play.

He looked out into the street one more time and nodded.

"Time's up pretty boy," he said. "We're clear." Then he grabbed my forearm before I could get out of the car. "You follow my lead and don't say anything fucked up, you hear? Stay behind and please, leave that fucking rich boy watch in the car…for the last fucking time."

I kept forgetting that part. I tore my watch from my wrist then threw it into the glove compartment and got out of the car. James held the gun on the inside of his jacket and made his way calmly across the street and up the steps to the front door of the ground floor apartment.

I stayed behind like he instructed with my hands shoved deeply into my pockets and my head bent low. I was taller than he was, but he made up for that with his stealth and easy grace on his feet. We always tried the civilized way at first and asked polite questions to whoever answered our call seeing that Charlie wasn't exactly a wanted criminal on the run.

James knocked on the door a few times after which we stood in silence together and bit down hard on our jaws. Every time I got to a door I stared at it like a possessed jungle cat, just about ready to leap at the unfortunate motherfucker who opened it if he had a face that matched the one in the picture. Though every time so far, the face wasn't his and this time was no different. A short, fat, middle aged white man in wife beaters, boxer shorts, socks and slippers opened the door.

"We're looking for Charlie Swan," James said to the man immediately. I was really fucking uncomfortable about that gun on the inside of his jacket.

"Who?" The man asked and his over sized belly bobbed a bit when he said it. He didn't open the door completely. He stood partially hidden behind it, but for all that, the size of him still came bending around the door.

"Charlie Swan," I said, stepping out to the side. I pulled the picture out of my coat and showed it to the man. He took it and squinted at it for a while.

"Oh him," the man said. "He goes by the name Tundra and he don't live here anymore. He stayed a few days and then he ran. Left two days ago."

"Ran?" I frowned down at the short man, taking the photo away from him.

"Yeah," he said, making his belly bob again. "You aren't the first ones to come by here lookin' for him. He's a junkie. So people are looking for their money I 'spose. Glad he got the fuck outta here. I don't want none of that shit in my place."

I bit down on a cuss word and jammed the picture back into my pocket. He had slipped through our fingers yet again and this time we had missed him by just two fuckingdays.

"Know where he is?" James asked.

"Fuck no," the man said. "Good night." Then he slammed the door in our faces.

"Fuck," I gritted out through clenched teeth. "He's like fucking butter slipping out of our hands all the fucking time!"

"It's gotta be the next one," James said, shifting into action immediately. "Don't waste time sulking. Let's go. If he's not there, I'm coming back here and busting through this same door. I hate fucking liars."

"What makes you think he's lying."

"I don't, but I'm sure as hell going to find out." He pulled out his cell then and gave someone the address of the place we had just left and asked whoever it was on the other end to monitor the residence and trail anyone who left.

"Who's that?" I asked.

"Help," he answered and by his tone I knew he wasn't about to give me any more details than that. My mind went back to what the fat man had said and I stared off in space as James sped toward the second address.

"A junkie?" I questioned out loud. "So he's doing drugs too?! Unbe_liev_able!"

It _was_ unbelievable. The more I found out, the more I hated him and the more I realized how fast I needed to get to him. I started bouncing my heels off the floor of the car, restless and impatient to get at him.

James pulled up across the street from a multi storied and run down apartment building two blocks away and from the looks of the place it was obvious that we had gone right back to the dilapidated, shady areas that I had come to loathe in that city. I was just about to go bursting out of the car when James shot his hand out across my chest to keep me from pelting out.

"Calm your fucking self," he warned. "Take a look at what you're about to go head first into."

I shot a rough breath of air out of my lungs and looked at the scene. The sidewalk right outside the building was crawling with thug looking men and whore looking women, all either loitering, cussing, drinking and smoking, bobbing their heads to music or feeling each other up. I closed my eyes and shoved the back of my head into the head rest.

"Sorry," I said.

"This one will be trickier, so you have to be careful. There are least twenty bored motherfuckers out there who'd like nothing better than to butter the sidewalk with your pretty face. They sure as hell aren't just gonna let us walk in there without stopping us, and we don't even know that he's in there."

"So what's your plan?" I asked as I stared out at the scores of loiterers who all looked like they belonged to gangs. "This has to be the place. Which apartment is it?"

"Fifteen," James said. "And we lay low for a while until that crowd finds something better to do."

The story got more and more frightening the more I learned. If there were 'people' after him, then he was sure to be found eventually and that only meant one thing; more trouble for Bella. These 'people' in question certainly weren't trying to find him to show him a good time. In fact, as it turned out, I would actually be doing the bastard a huge fucking favor if I found him first. I'd probably be saving his fucking life.

"I'm so fucking tired of waiting. If we get up there and he's not there, we break in and wait for the fucker; OK?"

"Man after my own heart," James said, eyeing down the human barricade in front of the building. "But first we have to get through that." Then he looked at me up and down.

"You should have listened to me and tried to tone that boy prince look down."

It was too late for that. I had nothing in the car to thug myself out, so boy prince it was.

Believe it or not, we sat in that car for another two hours before the crowd started to separate. I was literally on the verge of crawling out of my skin. If it wasn't for the Morphine working in my system James would not have been able to keep me sitting in that car for so long. I smoked more cigs than I could count, including a five piece joint then swallowed a mouthful of rum that James carried in a flask; all for the sake of trying to calm my nerves and pass the time.

"Once you get that guerilla warfare expression off your face, we can make our move," he said finally.

I tried to wipe the expression off my face with my hands and when I was done I looked at him and raised my eyebrows.

"Better?"

He grinned at me and winked. "Let's go boy prince.'

"Wait," I grabbed his arm.

"What?"

"I'll need you," I said to him.

"No shit brainiac. You just now figured that out?"

"No, I mean," I swallowed and shot a glance out the window. "If he's in there and I finally end up face to face with him….I don't know if I'll be able to control myself. I may lose my shit but I can't wail on him. No matter what James, you _can't_ let me beat him. Don't even let me near him until I'm ok enough to contain it. Promise me that you won't let me beat him."

"Why the fuck not?!" James snickered. "You come all the way down here for him and when you finally find the fucker you don't wanna punch his lights out?"

_I can't because if I do, his physical trauma will transfer to my girlfriend's body thousands of miles away_, I thought.

"I _want_ to," I growled between clenched teeth with shut eyes. "God I want to, but I can't ok. I just fucking can't!"

God only knew that if I got my hands on him, Bella would suffer too and I couldn't bear the burden of hurting her with my own hands.

"I don't get it," James snorted.

"It's a long complicated story, but trust me, there's a good reason behind my request."

"Fine, whatever," he said as he repositioned his gun to his belt inside his jacket for easier access. I shuddered when I looked at it again. Everything about that night made me shudder, made my heart race, made my pores sweat, made my hair stand on end. I didn't feel like myself anymore. In one short week, I was already losing it, seriously this time…losing it in a real fucking kind of way.

We walked across the street, me a few paces behind James, trying to imitate his coolness with my hand in my pockets and my head held up. The moment we approached the pavement and stepped up, the three stragglers on the pavement stood at attention and started closing in on us. Every muscle in my body tensed and before they could say anything James spoke up.

"Hey," he said. "How's it hangin'? Trying to get in here to see a sick friend. Can you buzz us in?" The three men looked at each other, perplexed, then back at James and then at me, from my head to my feet.

"Why da fuck would we buzz you in there?" One of the men spoke up. "I don't know your ass. Who da fuck are you?" The man shrugged.

"I'm James," James said, then he slapped my stomach. "And this here is Edward. My friend up there is his father and he called us a while back said he needed a ride to the hospital. He's not feeling too well. I told Edward to just forget about the old man. He's probably just drunk again and passin' out all over his fucking self, but he's worried you know."

They looked at me again, coming in even closer.

"Who's your papi?" Another one of them asked me. "What's heez name?"

"Uh… Charlie," I answered up, as taut as a tight rope. "Swan. Charlie Swan."

"I don't know no Charlie," the man responded in a heckling kind of way. "What's heez _other _name?"

I frowned and looked at James. "Other name?"

"Like a street name or something," James said under his breath and then he cocked his chin as he remembered something and raised his head. "Tundra."

All three of them folded their arms at the same time and frowned, giving us the up and down again with their eyes again. One of them turned on me suspiciously and narrowed his eyes.

"You really Tundra's kid?"

The Tundra thing was really pissing me the fuck off. What the hell kind of street name was that? I wasn't an expert on street names but Tundra had to have been the lousiest, weirdest fucking one Charlie could find. I was already in a foul mood, restless, irritated, hungry and missing my girl so fucking much that I wanted to scream, so the patience with a sad ass street name evaded me.

"What the _fuck _is a Tundra?" I asked, unable to keep it inside anymore. I saw James step forward out of the corner of my eye, ready to spring into action if necessary. I was sure to get a beat down from him for that later on….if there was in fact a 'later' for us after my mouth.

"You betta watch your mouth little man," the first one said, taking two steps into me. He was much shorter than I was but that didn't phase him in the least. The rest of them started shifting from foot to foot and moving their eyes everywhere jumpily.

"Look," James stepped forward. "We don't want trouble. We just need to find the boy's father, get him some help and then we'll be out of here." But I could sense James' readiness to draw fire. His body was cocked just like his gun was.

"You don't look nuthin like Tundra," the little man in my face fronted. "Prove that he's your papi."

I didn't know what else to do but take his picture out of my pocket and show it to him.

"I take this with me everywhere," I said. "He's really sick ok. Just let me get up there to him real quick."

"What if you're lying," one of the others said. "We don't want no part of a sell out."

"A sell out?" I asked in annoyed confusion.

James pulled me back and stepped in front of me. "Nobody's selling anybody out here. We are who we say we are, all you have to do is let us in and we'll be out of your hair. Would this help?"

He pulled out a folded wad of cash from his pocket then and held it toward the one in front of me. Without hesitating the man grabbed it and shoved it into his pocket.

"Not weedout a 'scort," the man said and started signaling the other two.

"Not without a what?" I asked.

"Escort Edward," James said quickly. "Fuck."

"Oh," I said.

I decided to keep my mouth shut for the rest of the time seeing that I was only helping to aggravate things more. Again, James was a life saver. He not only looked the part but he knew how to deal with the various classes of vermin. That cash was brilliant. I didn't even think of it and after James passed the money I thought….. _'Why the fuck didn't I think of that?'_

Finally the first one walked to the door and buzzed himself in with James and me at his heels. The other two stayed outside. We followed him in silence past the sleeping security guard then up the nastiest and most dilapidated flight of stairs I'd ever seen. Of course the elevator didn't work and there were roaches scurrying away from our feet.

I saw it in James' face. He didn't like the fact that we had to be escorted to Charlie, he would have preferred going in there with just me, but we didn't have a choice. He worried that there were other's on the inside with Charlie, if he was in fact in there and if he wasn't, it wasn't likely that our 'kind' escort would have let us break through the door and wait for him. The other thing was, if Charlie wasn't in the apartment it meant that our story was a lie because we had said that Charlie called and was waiting for us to come get him. We had put our feet up our asses and the situation had the potential of turning ugly very quickly. James was quiet and high strung, taking the position nearest to the man, waiting for the moment when he'd have a reason to pull his gun and let the raging bounty hunter out. When we finally made it to #15, our escort folded his arms and propped himself against the wall by the door and looked at us with raised eyebrows.

"Thank you," I said to him, hoping he would just turn around and leave us.

"I ain't leaving you here," he said. Of course.

I knocked on the door and waited. The corridor was dim and smelly and the floor was painted in a dingy gray that was peeling and cracked. The sounds of blaring TVs and muffled voices came through various doors along the narrow corridor, but not a single sound came from number 15. I dared to press my ear up against the door and listened for any sound from the inside. I heard the faint and muffled sound of a TV on and could only hear it with my ear pressed up against the door.

"He's in there," I said as my heart jumped in hope.

James knocked on the door again. "How do you know?"

"The TV is on."

"That don't say fuck," our escort said.

No one came to the door.

"He's fucking passed out," I grunted to the escort. "I just know it. We need to get in there."

"How you gonna do that?" The man asked in amusement.

My impatience started to escalate again and I felt an acute sense of heat rush to my head. I was not leaving that building unless I saw the inside of that room and I was not about to let that rat of a man take the opportunity away from me either. I clenched my fists and bit down hard on my jaw, boring holes of fire into the door with my eyes. One way or another, I was going in there.

"Hey Tundra!" The man called as he banged his fist on the door.

Again, with the Tundra thing. What the fuck was _that_ about?

"There's no answer man," the man said. "He's not in there."

"But the TV is on," I argued, clenching my fists at my side.

"Back down," James warned under his breath and put his hand on my shoulder.

"Time to go," the man said. "Come back later."

"What?!" I shrieked and the man straightened up.

"Edward," James grunted.

"Fuck this," I growled and grabbed the door knob in a moment of pure panic, unwilling to waste all the effort and time it took to get me there. I shoved against the blue, stained door and miraculously it cooperated with me and flew open. The next thing I knew I was stumbling into the studio apartment with the other two barreling in behind me.

The first thing that hit me was the pungent smell of vomit. It was so gross that it turned my own stomach and I almost hurled. The next thing that registered was the outline of man, face down on the bed with one arm hanging off the side. His face was buried in the pillow and it didn't take the brains of a genius to see that he looked pretty fucking limp and lifeless. My body jumped into feverish gear and I darted over to him, crazed and delirious, then grabbed him by his hung arm and flung him over onto his back. I jumped back a few paces in alarm when I saw his face,_ freaked_ the fuck out. It was hard to tell because of the condition I found him in, but it had to be him. There was vomit everywhere, on the bed, on the pillow, on the floor and all over his face and chest. I held my breath, grabbed the far corner of the sheet underneath him and wiped some of the goo off of his face to make sure.

"Fuck, it's him," I grunted as my heart took off on a new animalistic kind of rhythm. "It's fucking him!"

"Is he dead?" James asked and when he asked that, the little man started backing out. I saw his eyes widen and then he started to mumble something to himself in another language and made the sign of the cross over his chest like three or four times.

"I don't wanno part of dis shit man," he stumbled backward. "I don't fuckeeng know you, you don't fuckeeng know me and I never saw you bitches before een my life." And just like that he was gone.

James hurried over to the door, slammed it shut and locked it.

"You sure it's him?" James asked and I nodded, trying really hard not to inhale.

"Is he dead?" He frowned.

"I don't know," I responded and grabbed the other clean end of the sheet. I grabbed his wrist with it and wiped before I pressed my fingers to his hand and checked for a pulse. It was really hard to find but, fuck….he was alive.

"The fucker's alive," I said, dropping his hand callously back onto the bed.

"So he's just passed out?" James said. I scanned the room with my eyes. I took in the cheap, tattered curtains, the painted and peeling floor, the dented and grease smeared walls, the many bottles on the floor, on the low coffee table, on the TV…and just every fucking where. I ran my fingers through my hair as a million thoughts ran through my head. I got my phone out of my pocket and dialed Carlisle's number, but he didn't answer.

"Of all the fucking times to be unavailable," I grunted in frustration. Charlie seemed passed out from drunkenness again, but he was alive, so I hoped with a restless heart that it meant Bella was ok.

"Look at this," James said, pointing to the night stand on his side.

"Is that……?" I frowned and James nodded.

"Coke," he said as he touched the scattered powder with his index and sniffed it. "Yup."

A deep seated rage welled up inside of me then and I turned back to Charlie, passed out, limp, putrid and lifeless on the bed. It took every ounce of my strength not to slap him in the face and wake him the fuck up.

"Fucking shit," James gasped and I shot him a questioning look. He held up two empty bottles then and raised his eyebrows at me. It only took two seconds for it to fall into place. I rushed over to James and grabbed the bottles from his hands to read. One said Xanax and other said Unisom and they were both empty. There were a few loose pills scattered on the stand itself and on the floor. I turned back to Charlie then and stared down at him in utter shock and horror. My hands started to tremble and I dropped the bottles in my panic.

"He swallowed them," James said as he bent over to pick up a creased piece of paper off the floor. "And this is the love note he intends to leave behind."

I gaped at James in destitution, stunned into immobility, with my jaw dropped and my head reeling in every possible kind of mayhem.

"We _have_ to get him to the fucking hospital!" I shrieked suddenly with wide eyes. "He's still alive! We can't let him die!" Bella was all I could think of then and the panic that rushed through me was all for her. I couldn't believe how close I was to being too late and I probably still was because every second took his body further and further into suicidal oblivion. I started tearing through his cupboards for a clean sheet, tossing everything I found in a mad panic. I found one and threw it over his body carelessly.

"Help me wrap him up!" I shrieked at James. "I'm not getting his shit all over me."

Once we had him wrapped somewhat into a cocoon with his arms out, I grabbed him roughly by his wrists and hauled him over my shoulder, rocking slightly under his dead weight.

"You ok with him?" James asked as he helped.

"Yes," I bit out. "Bring the bottles."

It was terribly inconvenient, having to haul his heavy, limp ass all the way down three flights of poorly designed stairs, but adrenaline had its way of making me strong as a motherfucking lion when I needed it. I stormed through the lobby as James ran ahead to open the car. Thankfully our friends were gone when we went out so we had no obstacles. James helped me deposit Charlie into the backseat and the moment I got in the car I dialed Bella's number. Being so close to the stench of Charlie's death wish incinerated any fear I had of calling her. I had to know that she was alright and I promised myself that if that half dead bastard in the backseat had killed her like this I would find a way to kill him all over again.

"Answer the phone Bella," I mumbled in a stress ridden tone as James raced off down the street. "Please baby, answer the phone, answer the phone." But she didn't answer and it made my stress levels shoot through the fucking roof. "FUCK!"

I squeezed my eyes shut and pushed my hair out of my eyes wit a violently shaking hand then I redialed her again.

"What time is it," I asked James.

"Ten thirty," James answered, skillfully maneuvering the little car through the busy streets at break neck speed. I twisted around and looked at Charlie sprawled in the back. When Bella didn't answer again I cursed then dialed Carlisle.

"Edward," he sounded tense. "I just missed your call. What is it?"

"Carlisle!" I screamed out. "Thank God!!! You need to get to Bella _immediately_!!"

"What?! Did you find him?"

"Yes, Yes, Yes! I have him," I cried out. "Please, I'll answer everything after you get to Bella! He's swallowed two fucking bottles of pills and we're rushing his ass to the hospital right now. He's unconscious Carlisle. Please! Please get to Bella! I tried calling her but she's not answering."

I felt tears sting my eyes as I choked out the words.

"I'm on it," Carlisle said. "Call me the minute you know something."

"Call me when you get to her please. I need to know what's going on. She'll probably look like she's asleep but you _have_ to check her!"

I went crazy in the car when he hung up. I attacked the dash board with my fists and my knees, I screamed with everything I had in my lungs and I finally gave way to the tears that fought to come.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" James screeched. "Calm the fuck down! I can't drive when you do that fucking shit!"

"Where the _fuck_ is the hospital?!!" I screamed back at him. "Where is it?!! Where!!"

"Chill the fuck out, we're almost there."

"I can't chill the fuck out!! I .! Arrrgh!"

The car screeched around a corner and suddenly the emergency entrance to Memorial Hospital West came into view.

"You want to kill him, yet you're trying to save him. You're fucking delusional," James grunted. "And why the fuck does Carlisle have to check on Bella? What's wrong with her?"

We screeched to a halt then and I barged out of the car at top speed, grateful for the opportunity to avoid his last question. I grabbed Charlie from the back seat and hauled him over my shoulder again.

"_Heavy_ motherfucker," I bit out and James grabbed his legs to help. We ran in through the emergency entrance and the moment we flew in, two medics rushed over to us and started putting him on a stretcher.

"Talk," a nurse demanded as she grabbed Charlie's wrist for a pulse.

"He's dying," I panted breathlessly.

"Walk," she said and James and I hurried alongside her and the stretcher down the crowded, busy corridor.

"He swallowed two bottles of pills," I shrieked.

"Here," James offered the bottles. I took them from him and handed it to the nurse. She read the labels and shook her head.

"Overdose," she said to the medics in a professional tone and it occurred to me then that she was more than a nurse.

"Are you a doctor?" I asked.

"Student doctor" she said. "A senior doctor is being paged right now. How are you related to the patient? What's his name?"

"His name is Charlie Swan and I'm his….his friend," I almost gagged on the fucking words. "There was also cocaine next to him and I think he did some of that too."

"What's your name friend?" she asked as we raced through the halls.

"Edward."

"Ok Edward," she ordered. "You can't come past here. Stay in the waiting area there and the doctor will come to you as soon as we have news."

She disappeared through some swinging double doors with Charlie on the stretcher and some medics, leaving James and me behind to stand in the midst of the chaos, noise and shouting in the waiting area. I took out my phone again and dialed Carlisle's number as we made our way over to two chairs.

"Edward," Carlisle answered solemnly and the tone in his voice raised my pores.

"How is she?" I asked with a shaking voice. He exhaled roughly and sighed.

"She's in a deep sleep. I'm trying to revive her, but she' won't get up."

"Carlisle!" I cried out, bending over to drop my face in my hand.

"She's breathing," he continued. "Very slowly but she's breathing. She's in really deep."

"But it's not sleep," I choked out. "'Cause he also seems to be sleeping but really he's……"

"Where is he now Edward?"

"The doctors just took him through Emergency. He wolfed down two bottles of pills, did I tell you?"

"Can you tell me what he took? Did you see the packaging of the pills?"

"Um…." I closed my eyes and racked my memory for the answers. "Uh….Xanax and uh….Uni… something."

"Unisom?" He asked.

"Yes. I think so. Unisom."

"Unisom is a sleeping tablet," he sighed in relief. "An overdose of a sleeping pill alone may not be enough to kill him. The combination with Valium though is concerning."

"What's Valium for?"

"It's an anti-depressant."

I smelled like puke and stale cigarette smoke.

"What are they going to do with him dad?" I asked.

"Pump his stomach and try to get whatever's left in him out, before he absorbs it all."

With my face still buried in my hand, I shook my head and let out a few shaky breaths of air, consumed by the living nightmare of Charlie Swan and with the possibility that I had been too late. I blamed myself for allowing James to hold me back in that car for two fucking hours while he swallowed the pills and passed out. We could have stopped him, had we braved the crowd and gotten up to his apartment sooner.

"Despite what may happen to Charlie Edward," Carlisle said in a soft tone. "I think Bella will be ok. I've seen her fight this thing."

"Is she still asleep?" I asked.

"Yes," he answered. "I'm monitoring her breathing and her heart rate and administering oxygen to her. She's not so bad except that she just won't wake up. But she's stable."

I smeared a tear that made it past my eyelids.

"You did good son," Carlisle said. "You found him and you very possibly saved him. If it weren't for you, he wouldn't be in the hospital right now."

"I could have been quicker," I chided. "I knew it. I knew we should have busted through those street rats and just shoved our way in."

"That would have been impossible," James said from my side. I'd even forgotten he was there for a while.

"Edward," Carlisle said. "I'll call you when there's a change. She's strong. I'm sure she'll make it through this just like always. I'll call you when she wakes up."

I hung up and looked over at James.

"We should have gone in sooner," I said to him, angry at the whole situation and needing somewhere to place my anger.

"If we had tried it your way, we would never have gotten upstairs in the first place. We'd have ended up right here ourselves with multiple injuries and Charlie would still be in that room, right this very minute, fucked up and dying."

"They would have let us through."

"You think you can just walk up to twenty something gang members, shove them around on their own turf and get what you want because you're Edward Cullen? Your name don't mean fuck down here. You really are a sheltered, spoilt motherfucker if you think you would have gotten your way with them."

I knew he was right, of course, but I needed the comfort of release, even though it still didn't make me feel any better. I slumped down into my chair then and shoved the back of my head against the wall.

"I know," I grunted. "I'm just pissed and freaking out. Sorry."

"Freak the fuck out on someone else then," he sneered, and I deserved it. "By the way, what's all that about Bella being asleep? And what does she have to do with what's happening to her dad?"

I turned my face away and tightened my jaw. If only it was as simple as blurting it out. It sure would have eased the pinching load off my chest to talk about it, but it wasn't my place to reveal a secret that I had been entrusted with.

"It's got nothing to do with her except that she'd be devastated by what we found and I thought she should know."

"None of my business," James shrugged. "I get it."

Every time I saw a doctor come out from somewhere or walk past, my hopes would raise and I would get all nervous and jittery, waiting for him to walk over to me and tell me something about Charlie; and every time he didn't, my heart fell again and my anxiety heightened making me want to swear the entire facetious world to hell. After a few minutes passed, I stormed over to the information desk and demanded to know who Charlie's doctor was and if there was any news yet.

"This is the information desk sir, not the psychic connection hotline," a nurse responded to me while peering over the balanced rims on her nose. "I won't know anything unless they come out and tell me. That means I know just as little as you do right now. You have to sit and wait just like everybody else."

I nearly yanked off the ridiculous little overturned boat that was pinned to the top of her head. The aloof and undisturbed smirk on her face needed to be wiped the fuck off and my fingers twitched with the will to do it. When I didn't move or respond to her, she widened her eyes at me like a fucking pre-school teacher would when disciplining a child and pointed toward the waiting area.

._.HOW_..didn', but somehow I made my way back to the naughty corner and sat next to James; the already sleeping James. How the fuck he managed to fall asleep in the middle of all that hysteria in the Emergency Ward, I didn't know, but I envied him for his peace of mind that allowed him to do it as I watched his bent head. I sighed and crouched over, grabbing the hair at the sides of my head, worrying about Bella and pleading with every force in the universe to pull her through this and spare her life. I couldn't even hurt myself to reach her like I did the last time she was in trouble because the injury in my shoulder was mostly healed and with Morphine and marijuana still in my system, nothing I could have done to myself would hurt enough to reach her. My body was still pretty much stoned.

"Come on Bella," I whispered as I pumped my heels agitatedly off the floor. "Please, please, please baby…._please_ make it through this."

That bastard Charlie _had_ to make it out of there alive. He didn't have another option because I didn't give him one. He had to fucking wake up and face me because I was _waiting_ to shove myself right in his face; and I had already made up my mind that when he did, he would be leaving Memorial West with no other motherfucker, but me.


	47. Chapter 47 Wretched Deliverance

More Edward. Important chapter and very long. Happy reading. Thanks for the aweasome reviews on the last chap....you girls are fiesty! I love it!

**Chapter 47**

**Wretched Deliverance (EPOV)**

The hospital kept Charlie for seven nights. I can't even begin to explain the measures I had to go through to keep my patience and temper in check. At first they had said they would keep him for two nights in order to run blood tests and check him for any organ failure and when they found out that his liver was pretty roughed up from his overdose, they kept him for another five nights in order to treat him intravenously with antibiotics and pain killers. They didn't want to take the chance of sending him home with prescription medication seeing that he was there for an overdose and all, well obviously. I was in and out of the hospital for the entire week between the car, the waiting room and the motel for five minute showers; sleeping in restless spasms every night in the waiting room and in short bouts of harassed naps during the day. I never once went in to see Charlie. I only stayed put on the outskirts and waited for him to be discharged.

Sleeping in a chair all week was the perfect recipe for a stiff neck, cricked spine and dead fucking wood. I got so accustomed to pins and needles that I started looking forward to them because they killed the numbness in my ass and legs.

I called Carlisle everyday from the hospital to give him updates, which he gave to Bella. She had gotten up on her own eventually on the night of Charlie's suicide attempt and Carlisle said that when she did, she opened her eyes, stared up at him for a good solid minute with the blankest expression on her face then said the strangest thing…

"_It's not so bad in there anymore,"_ she had said, and while it may have sounded strange to Carlisle, it sounded just like Bella to me. What she was doing was trying to deal with her evolving connection to Charlie by conditioning and adapting herself to it instead of trying to destroy it. It angered me. Carlisle still examined her when she woke up to make sure there was nothing wrong with her and thank goodness she was ok. Her organs were perfect and her blood pressure had leveled off. I relaxed a little better with that news, feeling like the terror of that night was worth it because Charlie survived and therefore so did she.

Sunday however, was by far the worst day for me for that entire week in the hospital. It was the one day I came closest to saying _'to fuck with it all. I'm going home to my girl_.' Sunday was Bella's birthday.

It was Carlisle who told me about it on Saturday night when I called with my update and I remember feeling the most gut wrenching anguish devour me.

_Of all the fucked up luck_, I thought.

As if I didn't already feel the trepidation and anguish of athousand martyrs, and why the hell didn't I know about it before? Why didn't Bella let me know that her birthday was coming?

Her silence had turned haunting and the longer it went on, the more afraid I was of calling her. I expected it to be difficult between us and I expected her to distance herself from me somewhat or to even hate me, but the expectation didn't make it any easier to deal with, in fact it only made it more daunting. The birthday thing hit me really hard. The situation was already bad enough without the help of important and sentimental occasions to poison the shit out of it even more. I couldn't let her birthday pass without talking to her though. That would have been unforgiveable and though I was guilty of hurting her in many ways already, I couldn't allow my fear or cowardice to keep me from sending her my love on her birthday… of all days.

I sat in the waiting room of Ward 33 at 8am on Sunday morning, after getting little to no sleep at all during the night. I stared at my phone, I bounced my heels off the floor, I glanced about nervously, swallowed countless mouthfuls of air and pushed my hair out of my eyes so many times that I swore I left abrasions on my forehead.

I hit her number on speed dial on my cell and listened to the ringing. When she didn't answer I snapped the phone shut and dropped it into my lap where it slipped in the space between my thighs onto the chair. I rubbed my palms together, then up and down on my thighs as I dissected my thoughts feverishly in my head. There could have been any number of reasons why she didn't answer. It was pretty early in the morning for one and maybe she was still sleeping. Or maybe she was in the shower and she had left her cell in her bedroom. It didn't have to be that she was so far past disdain for me that she rejected my phone call. I raised my eyes to the ceiling and found the nerve to try again, because her birthday was sure to haunt me for the rest of the fucking day and quite frankly, for the rest of my stay in Florida as well.

"Hi," she answered and I almost fell out of the chair at the sound of her sleep ridden, raspy, beautifully Bella bedroom voice. My fingers turned into dead weights and it got really fucking hard to hold my phone in place.

"Hey," I responded. My heart felt like it palpitated with the force of an internal earthquake. I ran my hand over my face and listened to the empty space between us. She didn't say anything after me and I had to lean over and pray for the strength to absorb the coldness or pain that I was sure to find in her voice without falling to pieces. I knew she was waiting for me to say something more, but I didn't know what to say without sounding bland or stupid. 'Happy Birthday' seemed so normal and empty, especially in light of everything that was happening between us; and no matter what I said, nothing would ever take away from the fact that I could not be with her on her birthday or that I had found out too late to send her flowers or a gift. The greeting 'Happy birthday' even seemed sadistic somehow because no matter how badly I wished it, I knew Bella wasn't going to have a _happy_ fucking birthday.

"What are you doing right now?" I asked, feeling stupid and madly self conscious. Bella and I never had the problem of needing fillers in our conversation. Even when we were strangers and had only just started hanging out, we never had that problem of feeling awkward and strange around each other. We were comfortable in our silence and it had become one of the things I valued most about our relationship; that peace I was able to find in her, the peace that was virtually impossible to find in anyone else.

That was us; not this strained restlessness, strangling my courage and burying it so deep inside of me it almost never existed.

"Nothing really," she answered. "Just here….in my room."

"Just woke up?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Sorta," I said. "Can't call it sleep really."

She sighed and it tugged at something inside of me. There was a dreadfully long silence between us after that and I closed my eyes tight, trying to picture her on the other end of the line with her hair in her face and her fingers pulling feverishly at some part of her clothing. I listened to her breathing and that alone was a remedy of sorts; the sound of her breath, the sound of her life. I pulled myself upright in the chair and crossed my feet at my ankles. I had to make this phone call count more than anything else so I opened my mouth to tell her Happy Birthday, but she spoke first.

"How is he?" She asked and I blinked a couple of times in surprise, slightly taken aback at the direction she chose for the conversation, even though I should have expected it.

"Not good," I answered. "I take it you know everything that's happened."

"Yeah," she answered, sounding a little more vibrant. "But only because_ Carlisle's_ been giving me updates."

That was the first punch. I swallowed it.

"Bella. It's not that I don't want to call you, it's just that…"

"I know," she answered. "I get it, but it's not like it isn't hard for me too."

I had to bend over again as the very guilt I tried to avoid started attacking me. I was losing focus on why I called her in the first place and that was exactly why I hadn't called before. The torment of the hurt she was going through started to converge into a hideous demon before my very eyes, jeering at me and making shit even harder to deal with.

"I called to tell you Happy Birthday," I said after another long pause. "How come you didn't tell me it was so near?"

"You know me," she said dryly. "The suffer in silence type. Doesn't matter anyway, it wouldn't have made you stay."

The second punch. I swallowed that one too.

"When's yours?" She asked.

"October."

"'Cause you know….. I wouldn't want to _miss it_ or anything," she said.

Third punch. That one would leave a blister.

"I'm sorry," she said immediately after. "I'm not trying to be a bitch. I just can't be normal with you…. right now."

I wanted to storm the fuck out of that hospital so badly, take the next fucking flight out of Florida and race all the way back to Forks; smash down her door, grab on to her and physically bind myself to her so that nothing could ever separate us again.

"Please try to enjoy your day," I managed to say through my difficulty. I wanted to ask her why she didn't respond to my text messages but I was sure there was a painful reason for it and I wanted to try and have as 'pleasant' a conversation as was possible for us. She sighed again into the phone, sounding tormented and driving me to the point where I was five seconds from bailing on the entire plan and just flying the fuck out of there.

"I miss you," I tried to cut it short. It was too hard to do it, too hard to hear the dejection in her voice, too hard to know that I put it there and too hard to control the emotion that had started to overwhelm me.

"Wait," she said quickly. "When will I talk to you again?" There was a trace of panic in her voice and I knew that the truth would have only served to panic her more.

"When I see the light at the end of this fucking tunnel," I answered and in all truthfulness, that answer was just as open ended as it sounded. "When things start to change and I know what I'm about. Until then, all I'll be able to offer you is a bunch disappointing 'I don't knows' and I hate doing that."

"Edward…."

"I know this sucks Bella and I know how angry you are with me for not being better at this distance shit but I don't know how else to do it. I can't m…..," I sighed. "You have no idea how close I am right now to losing my shit and going back home just with the sound of your voice….it's killing me."

"Then do it Edward."

"Do what?"

"Lose your shit and come home."

"Bella…"

"I don't care about any of it anymore," her voice was shaking and if I didn't squeeze my eyes shut and stifle myself a little by not breathing, I'd have broken down. "I can forget about everything if you just come back. All I care about is having you here with me. This is too hard. It doesn't have to be like this….."

"Bella please d….."

"Let me finish," her voice finally cracked and I heard her start to cry. Anger I would have been able to face, wrath I would have been able to swallow until I felt it burn the inside of my throat, but the sound of her tears was to be my end and I very literally felt something break inside of my fucking chest. I shot off the chair and started to pace the floor agitatedly as I listened to her sobs.

"I can't let you finish," I answered.

"Why not?"

"Because," I grunted out harshly. "Because I can't allow you to get to me like this. I have to do this Bella. You don't see yourself through my eyes, the way _I_ see you. And you don't see yourself when he makes you look like death, when he takes you away from me," I had to stop to breathe and control the shaking in my voice. "You don't _feel_ my terror when it happens; the fear of losing the _only_ thing bigger than what I've already lost. I told you already, I love you - too much maybe, but I'll do whatever it takes to stop him from hurting you and to stop_ you_ from hurting yourself."

"But you don't understand!" She wailed. "I can stop it without you having to be all the way over there!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I can do it Edward," she sniffled. "I've done it. I can push him out."

"You'll say anything to get me to leave him alone."

"What?"

"I know you," I said hastily. "You'll say anything to get me to abandon this and if I let you make me do that, I'll regret it everyday for the rest of my life. I'll regret it every time he hurts you and every time it gets so bad that I feel like I'm going to lose you. I'll hate myself for it."

"You're not listening to me," she said.

"Do you know how close he came to _dying_ on Thursday night Bella?" And although I knew it was a low blow, I couldn't help myself. It was about time she understood just how fucking serious this was. It was about time she faced it and did something to stop it, to protect herself.

"Do you realize," I continued, in a feverish pace across the hospital floor. "That if I'd waited just five minutes longer, I might have been too late?! I can't even _think_ about it without seizing up."

She didn't answer to that right away and I pressed the phone against my ear harder, trying to hear her breathe but nothing made it over the rushing blood against my eardrums and the pulsing of my temples.

"Thank you for that," she said eventually in a small voice. She sniffled and sucked in a breath of air. "You saved his life and even in all this, I'll never forget that."

I didn't say it to get her to thank me. I didn't care about his life in any event, I cared about hers.

"He needs help Bella."

"I know that."

"And I'm going to force him to get that help."

"How are you going to force him?"

"I'll find a way."

"Do you have any idea how long that will take?" I heard her temper start to rail and it was a welcomed change to the wounded pain in her tears.

"I don't know," I responded and it was one of those 'I don't knows' that I dreaded, the ones that made it pointless to be calling Forks all the goddamned time without the answers to the hundreds of questions they all had for me. Suddenly I noticed that I had walked all the way to the hospital exit without even realizing it. I frowned in confusion and wiped the sweat off my forehead with the back of my hand. "I'll try my best."

"He won't let you force him to do anything. You have to know that. He's too stubborn. This is pointless!"

"I figured he'd be stubborn. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree does it?" I was outside by then and headed toward the rental in the parking lot like a careening bat out of hell under the spell of her voice. My words said one thing but my body was doing something completely different. "Bella I have to go now."

"I'm afraid to say good bye to you," she said in a choked up whisper.

"Don't say good bye then," I said. "I promise I'll text."

"That's not enough. Would you hate it if I called you instead?"

"Please try to understand. I love you, you know that but I can't go through this every time I hear your voice."

"So I can't call you then…"

"I won't tell you no."

"But you won't tell me yes either."

"I wish you could understand."

"I do actually," she said shortly. "But that doesn't make it hurt any less."

I was in the car already, about to shove the key into the ignition and take myself to the airport like an entranced monkey running after a dangling banana.

"Bella," I pleaded as I gripped the wheel desperately. "Please don't make this any harder than it has to be."

"You want to go now," she answered.

"I don't want to, but I should," I said.

"Then go. I guess I'll see you when I see you," she was trying to hurt me because I was hurting her, and she succeeded.

"Happy Birthday again," I winced. "I hope you can enjoy it."

She snorted sarcastically. "Sure, I'll do that. Thanks."

The click on her end snapped me out of my stupor and I sat in the car afterward like a numb, battered and dazed statue, staring off into the parking lot through the windscreen. Talking to her was even worse than I had feared.

* * *

Four days later I was standing in the crowded lobby on Ward 33, looking at Charlie being discharged at the nurses' station. It was 2pm and I had already told the doctors good bye and thank you an hour before, leading them to believe that I was leaving because I didn't want Charlie thinking that I was still around. Even though I didn't visit him in his room while he was there and he had no idea what I looked like, I wasn't so foolish as to expect the doctors to withhold from Charlie that the person who had brought him in had taken up residence in the waiting area. I knew that he knew someone was there all week because from where I stood hiding, I could see him looking around, trying to single out anyone who seemed to be tracking him.

Charlie's doctor looked confused when I told him I was leaving the hour before he was discharged.

"Aren't you gonna wait for him? You've been here all week. I realize you haven't visited with him either."

I shrugged and stared back at him blankly. "I'll see him when the time is right. I didn't know if he'd want to see me yet, with all the trauma of his experience and all. We're sort of estranged….I can always visit him at home where he's more comfortable, and the only reason I hung around was just to make sure that he was ok and now that I know he is, I can leave."

The doctor nodded with a concentrated frown on his face.

"We've tried to get him to talk to a psychiatrist while he was here," he said. "She came in three times and sat with him. He wasn't very cooperative but he agreed to see her when he got out. His first appointment is on Saturday morning. This is her card."

He handed me a call card. I couldn't believe that they actually bought that horseshit about Charlie agreeing to see the doctor once he was out. I was pretty sure he said that to get them off his back and to fool them into thinking he wanted help. I knew Charlie didn't really want help. What he wanted was to get out of the hospital. Seven days without a drink had to have been tough.

"Thanks for everything doc," I said and shook his hand before I left.

Half an hour later I came back in and hung around further down from the waiting area where the corridor bended and diverted into a different direction. I hid behind the bend in the wall and angled myself so that I could see him and still be out of sight.

James had left after the first night when we brought Charlie in. His job was done. He said he would take a cab back to the motel, pack his stuff then head down to Miami for a couple of days before returning to Port Angeles to meet up with The Nomads. They were planning another city jump and he didn't know when he would return to PA. I was upset to see him go because he had become my riding partner throughout the whole ordeal, the alter ego I didn't have, and my eyes in the dark. I owed him more than he wanted to admit to because despite the look of him and his wild ways, he was a decent guy and he kept me alive when I could have very easily gotten myself killed.

I'd never have found Charlie on my own so quickly and after what happened that night, I was certain that had I been alone, Charlie would have succeeded in killing himself before I got to him and quite possibly the girl I loved as well. James and I had actually formed a strange bond with each other and it wasn't any kind of sappy, fluffy, sentimental, shitty kind of bond either. It was some serious, testosterone loaded, hardcore survival, life or death male bonding; and as unpleasant as it got at times I knew it was one of those experiences I'd remember with some measure of pride.

Before he left, I asked him for a favor. While waiting that first night with him at my side, I had started to formulate the beginnings of a plan for Charlie if he had survived, and I needed James' help with something.

"Hey, you think you can score me another shot of Morphine before you leave?" I asked him. "I don't have a prescription and I can't get any without one."

When he raised an eyebrow, I tried to make up an excuse about my injured shoulder and about wanting no obstacles when dealing with Charlie if he made it.

"Dude, I'm not your therapist or your father," he laughed. "You don't need to explain shit to me. I'll get you the fucking Morphine but it will take me a couple of days. Would pills do?"

"No. I want the shot. I prefer to take it intravenously. It's stronger I think."

He snuffed a chuckle and looked at me suspiciously and when I opened my mouth to talk, he raised his hand to shut me up.

"I'll call you when I have it."

"Thanks," I said to him. I made sure to ask him for a specific dosage stronger than the ones Carlisle had given to me. Carlisle's dosage was good for spot treatment, though it calmed everywhere else considerably, but I wanted something that would numb the entire body. I would have told James my plan, but I knew that the less I said about things from there on out, the better for everyone involved.

He called the very next day and I met him out in the parking lot for the swap.

"You look like ass," he said with a grin when I came out. I couldn't believe the fucking wave of nostalgia I felt when I saw him.

Imagine that. I fucking missed the guy.

"Thanks," I said, shoving my hair out of my eyes. "What do you have?"

"Here," he said, handing me the black bag. "I got you an extra one just in case."

"Fuck that's great! How much do I owe you?"

"Just for the one. The extra one is a bonus, especially now that I see you looking like you're on the verge of passing the fuck out."

I managed to smile a little, then I handed him the cash he asked for.

"Thanks again," I said and he smashed his fist into mine before he left for Miami or wherever else. I never knew with him.

* * *

I thanked him again in my head on Thursday as I marked Charlie from where I hid in the corridor, unobserved for the most part as he waited at the nurses' station looking all confused and suspicious. He looked around a few times and scanned the area with wary eyes, no doubt for me even though he didn't know what I looked like. I waited for him to walk out and when he exited the building, I counted twenty seconds in my head before following him out. I spotted him walking out the pedestrian pathway to the road, so I made my way over to the rental in the lot which I had repositioned near the exit and in view of the pedestrian walkway.

I had mapped that shit out in my head beforehand and walked that whole pedestrian path the day before so that I'd know how and where to park the car for that very moment. I took no chances.

I watched him walk out to the street from inside the car and he kept looking around as if he knew he was being watched.

"That's right asshole," I said to myself as I turned the key in the ignition. "I'm watching you."

When he was off the hospital premises, I drove out slowly so that I wouldn't lose him and pulled over just outside the exit at the side of the road. He walked all the way down to the bus stop and three minutes later he hopped onto a city bus. Following that bus was hard as fuck. I couldn't ever pull up right behind it because it stopped too often to let off passengers, none of which was Charlie, I made sure to check. I didn't want to have to overtake it when it stopped so I had to maintain an uncomfortable distance about six or seven cars behind so that when it pulled over, I had enough time before it pulled off again.

He came off the bus after five stops and I had to park in the most inconvenient of places in order to track him on foot after that. The only available space was in front of a diner so I hurried out and shoved some money into the meter trying to keep my eyes on him the entire time. I was almost half a block behind him by then. I pushed and shoved my way along the busy street, increasing my pace to a half run when I realized that I'd lost the fucker.

"Fuck!" I grunted in a fury. I ran up the street wildly and ended up on a junction. I bended the corner all delusional and shit, refusing to believe that I'd lost him so easily when low and behold the heavens opened up and shone its light down on a bar, not two buildings down the connecting street that I stood on.

Bingo. If there was one place he'd need to go to after a week of drying out, it would be a bar, and there was no other bar within eyeshot that I could see. I made my way hastily across to it and looked in through the window, scanning the dim interior for any sign of him. I spotted him almost immediately already seated on a stool and chatting with the bartender.

Two things charged through me then. First there was elation at the fact that I hadn't actually lost him and next, there was disgust at how utterly predicable he was. Not even a good twenty minutes out of the hospital and he was at it already, trying to make up for lost time in the hospital. There were at least 18 cretins in there, all drinking themselves into a stupor in the middle of the fucking day. I grabbed at the door handle three times, ready to storm the fuck up to him and drag him off that stool and then all the way back to the parked car, but I resisted. The worst place to create a scene would have been in the bar. I was grossly outnumbered by drunk, bored assholes who'd have loved nothing more than to pounce on me. If there was one thing I had learned from James was to time shit right and never to fuck myself over by being impatient or by putting myself in a situation where I'd be at a disadvantage.

My goal would have been shot right to hell if I had gone in there after Charlie in the demented state I was in and I also had to think of Bella. I couldn't risk getting myself into a brawl and being injured in the process because the pain would have transferred to her. So instead, I swallowed the burning, loathsome fury building rapidly inside of me and watched him drown himself in alcohol through the window. The fury burned as I swallowed, feeling a lot like venom and likened me to the heightened status of a poisonous motherfucker.

I looked at him raise his hand to the bartender and call for another drink. I noticed that he changed his drink from shots to what looked like beer in a mug. I waited for him to get his next drink and once I saw him settle with it, I made my next move. I hurried back to the parked car with a gruesome expression on my face, concentrating very specifically on the task of moving the car to the same street as the bar without entertaining any obstacles on the way. I was successful. I moved the car and parked it in front of the building right next door to the bar, a hair salon maybe then I got out and resumed my original stalker position.

I found Charlie again with my eyes through the window. He wasn't sitting anymore. He was standing with his beer mug in hand in what seemed like a heated exchange between him and another patron. I stood in readiness on the outside with tense folded arms, waiting impatiently for a reason to go in there and pull him out. It was a good idea to let him drink a bit, because he was half drunk already which made him easier to take down.

The scene that started to unfold before my eyes had no acceptable outcome, either for Bella or for him. It was definitely an argument and Charlie was the first to make contact with the other guy, shoving him hard against his chest and spilling his drink everywhere in the process. That was my cue. I barged into the bar just in time to see the second guy smash his beer bottle against the edge of the counter and raise the broken, razor sharp shaft into the air, about to bring it down on Charlie's head. There was a sudden eruption of cussing and shouting from the other patrons and I saw the bartender haul himself over the counter to grab the man's arm before it came down on Charlie. I don't know where I got the superhuman speed from, but in less than a second I had made it over to Charlie and grabbed him out of the way in time to save him from an intentional and merciless swipe of jagged glass.

He was hysterical, trying to shove me off so that he could launch himself at the man again. Thankfully, someone else grabbed the other fool on the other side and they were parted.

"Get your fucking hands off me," Charlie wailed as I dragged him backward toward the door.

"Get him the fuck outta here!" The bartender yelled at me. "And don't bother coming back!"

I had to focus every ounce of my energy on restraining the drunk, writhing man in my arms as I hauled him outside to the car.

"Where da fuck are you taking me! Let go! Who are you?!"

"_SHUT UP!_" I barked at him and shoved him unceremoniously into the passenger seat of the car and strapped him in. Thankfully for me, he was too drunk to win in the physical struggle. His eyes were already red, heavy and unremarkably unfocused. His limbs were heavy and he was slurring.

I ran around to my side of the car and got in quickly. He was fidgeting with the seat belt buckle but couldn't focus well enough to find the clip. Basically, his coordination was fucked up because not only was he inebriated but he was too infuriated to center himself right.

"Be quiet," I growled at him impatiently and started the car. "Don't _make_ me punch you the_ fuck_ out!"

"Who-the-fuck-_arrrrre_ you?" He slurred and though his eyes were heavy and unfocused, they still held a kind of murderous light in them that surprised me.

_Determined, temperamental, stubborn son of a bitch,_ I thought.

I was already reversing down the street at a less than desirable and agitated speed and when I heard the seat belt buckle click open. The next thing I knew he was fiddling with the door handle to dive out. The burning contempt inside of my throat rose again, this time laced with potent adrenaline. He was about to dive out of the moving car.

"Fuck it," I snarled, and in my head I said…. '_Bella, I'm sorry. Please forgive me for this._'

I mashed down on the brakes hard and the car screeched to a violent halt. We both slammed into the front of the car and when he raised his head, I sent the most powerful, vengeful clout I had in me straight to his face. It was so hard that it sent his face smashing into the window with a sickening clunk and in the next second he was slumped in the passenger seat of the car, knocked out.

The rage in me had taken over completely and I was already over him with my fist drawn back, begging for the chance to descend on him again to do more damage. I widened my eyes in crazed reprisal, trembling in heated fume on the verge of smashing his face all over the fucking dash board, but the image of Bella's face was to my detriment, and I had scream out in live, nasty anger in order to expel the hatred that wanted to crash out of me through my fist. My fist was seized over his head growing stronger and stronger with every second with the desire to inflict pain on him.

"_FUUUUCK!_!!" I screamed out over him. I pushed myself back into the driver's seat violently and slammed my fist into the steering wheel over and over until it started to hurt really fucking badly. My face was red and swollen with hot, angry, blood and I was shaking so violently that I thought I was about to pass out myself. I grabbed onto the steering wheel and squeezed as I focused on a spot outside of the car through the windshield and forced multiple sharp breaths of air in and out of my lungs, battling between my urge to cripple his ass and my will to not hurt Bella.

"Relax!" I screamed at myself. Then I took another deep breath and closed my eyes. "Fuck Edward, you have to _control _yourself! You _HAVE_ to!" I knew she would have felt the blow to his face and the knowledge of it got me even angrier.

"_Fuck!_" I screamed out again and threw my head against the steering wheel. I had broken out in a sweat and try as I might, I couldn't get the ominous effigy of Bella's face out of my head. I saw her wide eyes clouded with both anger and fright, like a trapped doe, trapped within the confines of her own body and needing to get out.

What had I done?!

"Oh my God," I panted as I glanced over at the passed out Charlie in the passenger seat. "How hard did I hit him?"

By that point I was far past any human capacity of scorn for another human being. Not only was I drowning in the pits of self hatred for what I had just done to Bella in my moment of reckless abandon, but I had to struggle with my fast increasing contempt for the man who had driven me to that point in the first place, and my need for an impractical well of control.

A horn blared behind me then and my phone started to vibrate in my pocket, both startling me out of my shock. I was in the middle of the connecting street, blocking a car that was trying to get down the street past me. I pulled to the side to let him pass then backed up properly, managing a three point turn on the narrow street after that. I ended up missing the call.

I made haste toward the motel, feeling my heart tick inside of my chest like an agitated time bomb. I fired through the streets of Opa-locka in hunt of my motel. I had paid upfront for two weeks on one of my five minute bath runs, so that I would have a place to take Charlie. If I needed more time after that, then I would pay again.

I made it to the motel in no time at all and parked. I scanned the area to make sure I didn't have an audience to me dragging a limp man out of my car. There were a few people milling about the outside and when I looked up to the second floor where my room was, I saw two members of the cleaning staff pushing their trolleys down the corridor. Charlie twitched in his seat just then and I glared at him.

"Don't you fucking wake up yet," I warned him in a deep growl. "I'm not ready to deal with you. Just you lie there and fucking wait."

I sat there for another five minutes waiting for the right opportunity to haul him out of the car and up to my room without drawing any attention to myself. All of a sudden, every fucking thing that could possibly go wrong started to go wrong. My cell started to vibrate again and when I pulled it out of my pocket and saw Bella's number, I blanched in panic. That had to have been my _"Fuck you Edward Cullen. I hate you!" _phone call.

"Fuck," I grunted as I squeezed the phone in my hand and looked over at Charlie again. I had to ignore the call because that was the least convenient time to deal with Bella's tantrum, which I was sure it was.

Charlie started to stir then, the same time I noticed someone approaching the car. I opened my door and charged out. Too much was happening all at once. I was loosing control again and looking very much like a wired, wound up villain on a very suspicious mission. A rail thin man who looked like he was in his thirties came up to me with a box of cans in his hands.

"Hey man," he said, glancing about him nervously. "You interested in some polish for your car?"

"It's not my car," I said sharply. "And no. Get out of here."

"Come on man," he urged, following me across to Charlie's side of the car. "Help me out here."

"Look," I turned on him viciously. "This is the worst possible_ fucking_ time to piss me off. Get the fuck out of here. I'm _NOT_ interested."

I opened the door, pulled Charlie's half conscious frame out and draped his arm around my neck. He tried to raise his head to say something but he wasn't coherent enough to manage it yet. I kicked the door shut and started making my way toward the stairs to the second floor of the motel.

"Just one," the man pleaded behind me. "Just one man and I won't bother you again. I need the cash yo."

My phone started up again, Charlie tried to mumble something, the straggler was still following me and low and behold, Charlie's phone started to ring too.

_Too much, too much, _I growled in my mind.

I spun around to face the man with Charlie still in tow and bit down on my teeth so hard I thought I would break them. I dug into my back pocket quite clumsily and drew out some bills. I didn't know how many I had but I threw them all at him.

"I don't want any fucking thing. Just take the money and leave me the fuck alone," I warned the man.

He dove to the floor behind the bills and gave me the perfect opportunity to escape him. I dragged Charlie up the stairs with much difficulty and gunned for my door. When I got to it, it was wide open and there was a maid inside. I didn't even see when she went in.

"Get out," I demanded when I walked in. She jumped in surprise and spun to face me then started mumbling a host of incoherent things in another language at me. I deposited Charlie onto the made bed and turned on her.

"I've been gone all fucking week. What could you _possibly_ have to clean?!"

She glanced at Charlie worriedly and did some kind of strange bow thing to me and started backing out of the room.

_So much for not making a spectacle of myself_, I thought ruefully.

"He's my father and he's very drunk," I said to her. She nodded in understanding and pressed down on her apron. "He's needs sleep. Don't bother us again."

"Yes Meester," she said and ran out.

I slammed the door then locked it and my phone _still_ hadn't stopped vibrating in my pocket. I grabbed at it furiously and stared at the screen. There were three missed calls; two from Bella, one from Carlisle and a voice message.

"Where the fuck am I?" Charlie groaned, turning his head from side to side on the bed with his eyes still closed. I went to work quickly. He was coming out of it and I had no time to waste. I pulled out the black bag that James had given me earlier in the week from my sweater pocket; with the two viles of Morphine and two packaged, sterile needles. I had no cotton or alcohol to clean the point of entry but who the fuck cared right then; though I had to notice the lack of it, being the son of a surgeon and all.

I drained one of the viles in a needle and squirted some off the top to make sure there was no air inside, then I rested the needle next to him on the bed, turned him to the side and tied his hands behind his back in a special knot I had learned when I was in sea scouts with one of the sheets on the bed.

"What the fuck is going on?" He grumbled, opening his eyes and squinting against the light.

"Shut up," I bit out. I straddled him then, while he was still on his side and sat on his hip.

"What the…!"

His eyes opened full blast then and he turned his face up to look at me, still pretty groggy from his drinking. I pushed his sleeve up and as gently as I could, _for Bella's sake_, I pressed the tip of the needle through his skin and emptied the syringe into his arm.

That woke him up good and proper. His eyes were suddenly alert when he felt the prick of the needle and the realization of what had just happened sent him into a crazed frenzy.

"Who the fuck are you?! What the _fuck_ did you just give me!?!"

I raised myself off of his writhing form and went into the bathroom to properly dispose of the needle. God only knew what kind of contamination he had in his blood and I didn't want it anywhere near me. I wrapped the needle in mounds of toilet paper, put it in a bag, tied it properly and threw it into the bin, all the while listening to Charlie's ranting and screaming coming from the bedroom. I hurried out again and saw him standing, backed up against the door, trying to open the door with his bound hands behind his back. I rushed over to him and grabbed by his shoulders then flung him back onto the bed savagely. I was bigger and taller than he was, so it was easy, not to mention his impaired state of being. I had no doubt that Charlie could be an agile and dodgy motherfucker to deal with if he had all his senses well looked after. He used to be the fucking chief of police for crying out loud, but as of late his body, his judgment and his reflexes were impaired and poisoned by his substance abuse belittling him to nothing more than an irritating, hapless drunk. He was more of a nuisance to deal with than an actual threat.

"Shut the fuck up," I ordered again and jammed a chair behind the door, under the knob. It was still locked.

"I will not shut the fuck up. I'll have you arrested for this. I'm the chief of fucking police. This is kidnapping. You punched me out in the fucking car too…that's assault and you have me tied up….what the fuck?! You're holding me against my will. Who the fuck are you? I demand to know! Open that fucking door or I will scream so fucking loud that……"

"If you scream, I'll force the rest of that sheet into your mouth and tape it there. So unless you want to be gagging and choking all over your fucking self, you'll shut the fuck up like I tell you to, and listen."

"Look," he said, shifting his eyes everywhere around the room, no doubt recording his surroundings and committing it to memory. His brain still worked like a cop, I could tell, but he was so far gone in his unfortunate state that it was almost a shame to think about the potential he still had in him.

"I can get the money," he swallowed as panic started creeping into his eyes. "I just came out of the hospital today. I've been in there all fucking week man. Give me four days. Four days and I'll have the money._ Fuck_, you're kind of young for a henchman aren't ya?"

I pulled the chair out from under the door knob and sat in it, keeping my back to the door. I leaned over and propped my elbows on my knees so that I could clasp my hands and press my index fingers against my mouth, taking in all of him, listening to him, watching for the signs of the Morphine taking effect and enjoying every fucking minute of his squirming and attempts at negotiation. When I didn't respond to him, he got even more anxious. He sat upright on the bed and I could tell that he was fidgeting with the knot behind his back, but that didn't bother me. Nothing he did would have undone that scout's knot.

His eyes travelled up and down my body, over and over, locking my image into his brain. He was confused, he was alarmed, he was afraid and he was nervous; but his most outstanding quality by far was his anger. It festered behind his eyes like a licking flame and I could see very easily the temper that Bella had talked about. He controlled it because he was at a disadvantage but I knew that given the chance he would waste no time in going straight for my throat.

"Three days," he said, reducing his time to provide the money he owed. "Is that better?"

As he said it, his eyes rolled up into the back of his head and he shook his head afterward and widened his eyes.

"What the fuck did you give me?" He asked and just like that, he started to relax. It would have happened much sooner, but his adrenaline helped to keep him coherent for the while.

"I'm not after your money," I said to him and straightened in the chair so that I could shove my hair back over the top of my head. "I already have plenty of it."

The pace of his expressions clocked a record breaking five or six changes in a split second. He was trying real hard to figure this out and if his brain wasn't as fried as it was, he may have picked up a lot sooner that I obviously wasn't a drug hustler collecting for my boss. His eyes scanned my body again when I said that and he frowned.

"You're not a henchman are you," he said slowly.

"I'm not."

That gave him a small boost of confidence and he narrowed his eyes at me.

"Then who the fuck are you?"

"Are you numb yet?" I asked.

"What?"

"Are-you-_numb-_yet?"

"I don't know what the fuck you're asking me."

I stood up and walked over to him and watched as he squirmed and flinched, trying to back himself up against the bed head, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that the ego of the monster inside of me was considerably stroked. I would have much preferred a head on collision with the motherfucker, a magnificent brawl with fists and blood and screaming and gnashing of teeth. I would have reveled in the sight of watching him buckle over in pain, begging me to stop; and I would have absorbed a few of his punches too, happily soaring off the adrenaline of every punch, transferring it into cold blooded aggression - straight to his face. But I had Bella to consider and if we fought like that she would have suffered not only his pain, but mine as well….at the same time. The gift of her attachment to me came with the most grievous of responsibilities and I had to take that seriously. I stood over him with clenched fists and locked jaw, fuming with aggression and deep rooted hatred and able to do nothing but accept my responsibility to Bella and try to find ways of avenging my resentment in the least messy way I could…..but avenge it, I would.

I pulled out my cell and dialed Carlisle quickly.

"Edward!" Carlisle gasped when he answered. "What the _hell_ is going on?! We've been trying to call you!"

I heard Bella's frantic voice in the background, arguing and screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Carlisle," I said, with trained eyes on Charlie's frightened ones. "I need you to do something." I didn't want to say her name in front of Charlie….not yet. I was enjoying his perplexity and anxiety way too much to give him the answer that easily.

"What?" Carlisle asked impatiently.

"Load her up on a dose of Morphine."

"_What?!_" Carlisle shrieked again, knowing exactly who I was talking about without me having to say her name.

"You heard me."

"No way Edward. What are you planning to do? You are out of control."

"Don't you _dare_ touch him!!" I heard Bella scream in the back. "_Edward do you hear me??!!!_"

I shut my eyes and forced myself to focus.

"It's _because_ I'm in control, I can make this phone call to you Dad," I hissed. "I need you to do this for her now, _please_ and for me. I need to…" I turned away from Charlie then and tried to stifle my voice. "I need to restrain him and I don't know if I can do it without force."

I had to fabricate a bit in order to get him to cooperate with me because I knew Carlisle was way too honorable to do something like that without a great fucking reason.

"Who the fuck are you talking to?" Charlie but in. "Restrain who? You're talking about me aren't you?! What the fuck is going on here?"

I turned back to him and pressed my hand over his mouth to shut him up so that Carlisle wouldn't hear, forcing him down onto his back in the process. He tried to struggle but with his hands tied behind his back, it was too difficult for him.

"Is that Charlie?" Carlisle asked.

"Let me talk to him!" I heard Bella scream in the background. "I want to talk to my father!!"

"Has she told you what happened already?" I asked Carlisle. "Is that why she's so upset?"

"It was pretty goddamned obvious Edward. You've created a very bad situation back here with Bella. She's hysterical," Carlisle retorted. "What the hell have you done?"

Charlie continued to writhe and struggle against my hand. I had to press down on his face harder, blocking off some of the air to his nose in order to control him.

"_Carlisle_," I got irritated and loud. "I really had no fucking choice! I was driving and he tried to open the car door and jump out of the moving car. How the _fuck_ was I supposed to contain him?! It was necessary! That's _why_ I'm asking you to do this now. He's drunk and frantic and I _need_ to restrain him."

"What's his condition right now? When was he discharged from the hospital?"

"I can give you all the information later, _after_ I have this situation under control!"

"Edward, what you're asking is…."

"Give it to her now dad, please! It's the only way to protect her. She'll get hurt!"

Charlie's eyes were wide and frantic and he screamed into my palm with all the ferocity he could manage.

"Do we have another option?" Carlisle asked.

"NO!"

"Edward…" he warned. "If you hurt that man…"

"Look! I'm trying to defend myself here!! Give her the Morphine!! I can't sit on him much longer!"

I took my hand off Charlie's mouth then just for added effect and just as I wanted, he screaming out and started cussing various threats at me.

"Get the fuck off me!!!" He screamed and writhed. "I'll kill you, you fucking son of a bitch!"

I pressed my hand over his mouth again, satisfied that he had given me what I wanted.

"_Now_ do you believe me?!" I panted. When Carlisle heard the commotion, his voice changed immediately and got urgent.

"Call me when it's over. I'll do it," he said, then hung up.

I threw the phone onto the bed and bent over Charlie's face.

"I told you before," I growled at him. "I'll make you eat the rest of the sheet if you don't shut the fuck up."

I grabbed the tail end of the sheet then and started stuffing it into his mouth with shaky hands, all the while trying to contain the full extent of the raging beast inside of me for fear that my roughness would reach Bella. After I'd pushed a considerable amount of fabric down his throat and he started to gag, I yanked it back out again, terrified that I was hurting her. He turned over onto his side, coughing and gasping for air. I fell back onto the ground then and stared at him as he tried to catch his breath. I was covered in perspiration and shaking from anxiety, draining the strength from god only knew where to control my temper with him.

The things I wanted to do to hurt him were shameful….and heaven help me….he was right there, right fucking there in front of me…ready for a fight, ready to take me on if I gave him the chance, ready to make my _fucking_ day – and I still couldn't touch him. Even though I had given him the Morphine, I still couldn't take the chance of hitting him, not until I was sure that she had some too.

The pressure of wanting to hurt him but having to control myself for Bella's sake was more overwhelming than I'd thought it would be. It made my disgust for Charlie bounce off every internal wall of my body, echoing louder and louder until I was deafened by the reverberation of it. I shot up to my feet, feeling myself reach the point of no return, the point balancing on the edge, the point of - act now and deal the fuck with it all later. I scurried for my cell again to call Carlisle and see if he was getting through while Charlie lay on his back and stared up at me in silence, bracing himself for my next move, rigid and tense as fuck. Carlisle answered.

"Not a good time," he said.

"Did you give it to her yet?"

"She won't take it Edward. She's smarter than you think. She knows that you want to beat the crap out of him and she won't take the Morphine."

"You weren't supposed to tell her what it is!"

"I am a _doctor _Edward!" Carlisle shouted. "I'm not in the habit of taking medical orders from my son, nor am I about to take advantage of Bella in that way. She has a right to know what I'm giving her and why."

"Fine. I'll just have to work my way around it then," I retorted, all patience lost.

I hung up, feeling irritated with Bella's stubbornness and with the swell of rage inside of me. I grabbed Charlie by his t-shirt collar and yanked him into an upright position.

"You better fucking hope that what I gave you is enough to numb her as well," I bit out at him.

"What the fuck are you talking about? Who do you keep calling? If this isn't about Sancho, let me go. You're a freaky kind of motherfucker aren't you? What's going on?!!"

"You wanna know who I keep calling?" I said through clenched teeth while squeezing my right fist into the perfect weapon of mass destruction. "I'll tell you."

I swung hard at his face then, snapping his head back and sending him crashing onto the bed. He screamed out, though he looked more shocked than hurt. I saw him widen his eyes in confusion as he flung his body onto his back. The blow knocked him down and even hurt a little, but I could tell that he didn't feel the pain that he _should_ have felt judging from the cracking sound of my fist against his bones.

"That's for Bella," I growled down at him readying my fist for another blow. When he heard her name he opened his mouth and widened his eyes at me in stunned shock. I pulled him up again with my left hand, completely drugged by the potency of my boiling adrenaline.

"And this," I sneered, swinging my fist at his face again with brute force. "Is for me."

Though it felt good to hit him, it wasn't anything near the satisfaction I craved from the mental image of him writhing in pain. He was more stunned than anything else and that killed my buzz immediately. There was no fun in watching him take the blows easily. It was disappointing and that disappointment soured me.

He stared at me in horror and I saw him piece shit together in his head, staring at me questioningly all the while with searching eyes.

I backed away from him, needing to put as much distance between us as possible, knowing that if I continued to push it and if I continued to wail on him I would break something or damage something inside of him without knowing it. He wouldn't have felt the pain immediately, but he would have when the effects of the drug wore off and therefore, so would Bella.

Pain is useful. It shows just how deep the human threshold is and just how much the body can take. If Charlie didn't hurt or react in pain, I wouldn't have known when to stop and I would have ended up hurting Bella when the effects of the Morphine wore off with the damage I'd have caused. That was the only thing that made me back off, the only thing that made me swallow my trembling aggression and bite down on my own ego. No matter how good it would have felt to crush him, my conscience would not have survived the knowledge that I had hurt Bella through her father,_ knowing_ what I was doing.

The real glory was not in the fight and not in seeing him fall in defeat against the will of my hand. The real triumph was in facing up to the challenge, looking him square in the eye and trading my passion for the glory of her love. She was more important to me than any fulfillment I could have gotten from hurting him, regardless of the methods I found to do it. Whether physically or emotionally, she would have been hurt from my actions and I didn't want to be that for her. My reason for being there in the first place was to stop it and the irony of the situation was that, in my attempts and blind passion to achieve that, I was about to worsen and add to the problem in the most despicable and selfish way possible.

Charlie and I stared at each other for a very long time in stony silence, and as I stared at him, I faced the challenge of suppressing the monster inside of me, of shoving him deep into the recesses of my piteous depths where I chained and restrained him again. It was hard and it was grueling but I conquered it.

I slid down to the floor against the cheap cupboard doors, falling heavily onto my ass, completely drained by that point from the mental and emotional stress of the day and from the entire fucking trip so far. I saw the fear in Charlie's face dissolve slowly as he watched the transformation in mine.

"_What_ did you say?" He whispered after a long taut silence, cocking his chin to the side slightly in what looked like patent disbelief.

"You heard me right you _fucker_," I grunted as I shoved the back of my head against the cupboards. "_Bella._ I'm here for Bella."


	48. Chapter 48 Let it Rein

So it can't only be about Edward right? Let's give little ole Bell a chance..lol. Remember I said when he left that from there on out, we'd have to be patient with her. Looks like some of you are getting pretty pissed off with her, but hey, if I was 17 and in her shoes, I'd probably have been tons more irritating. I do suspect however, that my irritation with Bella while reading New Moon and Eclipse somehow transfered through my writing to this part of Conflicted....it's possible. The next chap is also Bella's and it's pretty interesting but after that we have lots of Edward again. They have to share! LOL.

The reviews are getting pretty interesting btw. keep up the good work! Love you guys!

**Chapter 48 **

**Let it Rein (BPOV)**

It was the Thursday after my birthday and I was on my knees in the nursery, sitting back on my heels with my new find sitting gloriously in my lap. I had been trying to sort through the good pots and the ones that needed to be thrown away. It would be a lot of work, especially doing it on my own, but the more I thought about it, the more the idea of bringing the nursery back to life appealed to me. No amount of therapy Esme and Carlisle tried to throw at me could top the healing power, not to mention the distracting effect of my new project. It also worked wonders for my mood.

There was something divinely therapeutic and uplifting about restoring and nurturing something with my own hands and not only did it give me something to do and something to look forward to, but the more I went through the nursery and studied the tasks involved in keeping it alive, the more I learned about Elizabeth and the amount of care, patience and love she had put into her plants before she died. Everyday after school since my suspension timed out, I went over to the Cullen's mansion for a few hours and worked at cleaning out the nursery. I had to empty and discard a lot of the things, uproot all the overgrown weeds and do a ton of research on nurseries before planting anything new. I had no knowledge about planting, least of all keeping plants alive, so I had borrowed a lot of her books and started researching indoor nurseries online.

I had also planned on tackling Marcus' bedroom as well, uncover all the furniture, clean the room, polish what needed polishing and unclog the carpet on the floor of all the dust and allergens. I got the impression that Carlisle didn't know that Edward had left me the keys to the both rooms since he never mentioned or asked anything about it, so I didn't volunteer any information either. Restoring the nursery was my secret and whenever I got to Marcus' room, that would be a secret too. I didn't know how either of them would feel about me touching the belongings of their loved ones, and on some level I realized that it could have been construed as an invasion of privacy, but something inside of me felt called almost to do it and more than that I wanted to do something to make up for all the trouble I had caused.

The day I had unlocked the doors, I felt as if they were there with me, Elizabeth and Marcus, luring me into their spaces and asking me to stay, and when I went in for the second time the most overwhelming urge to fix it all gripped me. The revelation came to me the second time I went into the nursery as I fingered some of the old pots hanging from the ceiling. The moment I made the mental commitment to the task I swore that I felt the air inside of the room shift. The thick, heaviness in the atmosphere fell away and it was noticeably easier to breathe. The change alarmed me and I thought I was being paranoid and spooked by the silence in the decaying room, but again, the presence wasn't threatening and I adjusted to it easily enough.

I hoped also that Carlisle wouldn't resent me for overstepping a line but I banked on the fact that the surprise would be pleasant enough to surpass any discomfort about my meddling.

Monday, the day after my birthday, the day after surviving Edward's phone call and the day after surviving Esme's and Alice's many attempts to cheer me up and make it a _happy_ birthday, was my first day back out to school. People stared and people whispered and they cleared a path for me whenever I walked through the halls. I noticed something different in the way they looked at me and the few times I made eye contact with anyone in the halls or in class, instead of turning their eyes away they nodded at me and some even…smiled. At first I was confused but then good old Mike explained it to me.

"You're the resident bad ass now," he grinned, rubbing his shoulder up against mine playfully.

"Huh?"

"That was apparently the very first cat fight in Forks' High."

"Ever?"

"Ever," he said. "And with Victoria to boot! Hahaha. Classic! People can't stop talking about it."

I glanced back over my shoulder and saw Jessica staring at me. When our eyes met, she glanced away quickly but not with her usual glare or spiteful intent. She simply pretended like she hadn't noticed me talking to Mike.

"I hear Victoria's planning a re-match, but I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. You can obviously take her."

Somehow he thought it was all exceptional and that I should be ecstatic to learn of my new, seemingly revered status in school but it made me cringe instead because it made people stare and focus on me a lot more than I was able to stomach. I hated the attention and I was flabbergasted at the fact that no matter what I did or didn't do, somehow, I was always in the goddamned spotlight and always the one being talked about.

"Please kill me," I grumbled as I slouched on to my desk and put my head down.

"Are you kidding me?" He laughed. "Who doesn't want to be a bad ass?"

"_I_ don't want to be a bad ass," I groaned. "That's not why I fought with Victoria. Ugh. I just wish everyone would forget that I'm even in this school. Ever since I got here….it's like…..ugh! Exactly _how_ bored were you guys before I got here anyway?"

* * *

Everyday after school starting that week, I hurried over to the mansion to get a little bit of work done in the nursery and I left around the same time that Carlisle came home. So far, it appeared that he stayed at the hospital until 6pm most days and he got home by 6:25. So at 6pm everyday, I left the nursery and went into the library to do a few minutes of homework then went home when Carlisle announced his presence to me in the library. Alice agreed to give me the Porsche on evenings after school and rode home with Jasper. It was part of her '_cheer Bella up'_ contribution to society, and I didn't mind at all.

So it was that on Thursday afternoon that week, I was on my knees sorting through the pots in the nursery. I already had two groups, damaged ones and reusable ones. I had also realized that I'd have to use some of my allowance to buy a few new things for the nursery as most of the pots from what I could tell needed to be thrown away. I also needed seeds, fertilizer and potting soil.

I'd just discovered the most intricately designed clay trough under a patch of weeds and lifted the heavy sucker down into my lap to admire it when a crashing, bone crushing welt of pain smashed across the left side of my face and nearly knocked me right over onto the floor. The beautiful trough fell from my lap with the impact and cracked. Charlie's gap was the first to reach my head and I grabbed onto my face with my hands cloaked in Elizabeth's gloves and screamed out in shock. The blow was so excruciating that my vision went blurry and I had to crouch over and hold my breath for a while in order to absorb it. The throbbing in my face wasn't nearly over when Edward's gap crept in behind Charlie's bringing with it a stinging sensation in my right hand. The stinging very quickly advanced to a hurtling series of spasmodic, fiery welts which made me gasp and fist my hand so tight that I left finger nail indentations on my palm.

I spread myself out on the floor in the nursery and stayed as still as I could in an attempt to center all the sensations that came at once. The blow to my face was Charlie's for sure. His gap came in first with that one and his face was plastered everywhere swimming in and out between the pain before Edward's had arrived. I flexed my gloved fingers in and out and stared at the yellow rubber at the back of my hand for a while in confusion. That discomfort was definitely coming from Edward. The connection between his gap and the vibration in my hand was direct. When I had managed to acclimatize myself to the both sensations, I sat up and gaped about me in a daze. The next thing I noted was the broken trough on the floor. I pinned my lips together in disappointment. It was the prettiest and rarest one I had found in there and thanks to Edward and Charlie, it was broken.

I snatched the gloves off my hands and flexed my fingers some more, then gradually, they both left my head, taking with them their gaps and various points of soreness.

It hit me just as suddenly as the blow to my face. Charlie was stricken in the face and Edward's right hand was throbbing. My heart raced off then and I dug into my pocket for my cell phone. I had to know what was happening and even though Edward expressed to me that he'd prefer that I didn't call him, I couldn't let that get in the way of me finding out.

When he didn't answer, I got scared. I jumped up to my feet and started pacing the floor in a panic. Was Charlie out of the hospital? Was he with Edward? He had to have been with Edward, the timing of the two incidents in my body was too accurate to be a coincidence. Why didn't Edward answer my call?

I bit down on my lower lip and continued to pace, growing more and more anxious as the minutes ticked by. I redialed Edward's number and when he ignored my call for the second time, my anxiety worsened. I left him a voice mail the second time, feeling my anxiety switch to irritation. As it happened with me, whenever I got angry I cried and whenever I got anxious, I was very easily irritated.

"Uh...Edward? It's me...um. Is Charlie with you? What happened? You're not answering my calls and I'm worried that something bad is happening. I think Charlie's hurt…and you too? Please call."

I called Charlie right after that and though I didn't expect him to actually answer because he never did, I still crossed my fingers. While listening to his voice come over through his voice mail, the throbbing in my face and head started up again. I flinched at the sudden reappearance of it and touched my face in an attempt to soothe the ache. In my irritation, more at the fact that I couldn't get either of them on the phone, I kicked the broken trough on the floor and shrieked when it hurt. I bolted out of the nursery then, making sure to lock it behind me, and ran through the corridor, feeling my irritation escalate to frantic fury.

Carlisle was on his way up the stairs to the second floor. He was early that day and I was glad. One look at my face and he ran the rest of the way up, two steps at a time.

"What is it now?" He asked in a controlled but flabbergasted voice. I clenched my fists and tried to find the right words to explain. He didn't know that I was connected to Edward like I was to Charlie, and even more so judging from the unmistakable, shocking and admittedly embarrassing moment of rapt pleasure in my bedroom just a week ago. Regardless, I would have to choose my words wisely so that he didn't realize I could feel Edward too.

"Bella?" He asked as he steered me toward his office by my upper arm.

"He touched him," I answered once we were inside.

"You're gonna have to do better than that…."

"Edward!" I yelled. "You said he wouldn't touch Charlie and he did! He's hurting him!"

"He what? What are you…how do you know? I mean well of course you know…but….."

"My face feels like it's on fire Carlisle, like the bones in my left cheek have been cracked wide open! It even hurts to speak."

He pulled out his phone immediately and dialed.

"If you're calling Edward, he won't answer. I've already tried. Or maybe it's just me he's avoiding. He'll probably answer _you_!"

I was pacing the floor of his office, restless and agitated as he sat perched on the edge of his desk.

"He's not answering," he said, then put his phone down.

"I thought you said Edward promised."

"Yes," he responded. "But I also said that you'd know if he did anything to break that promise."

"Well I do!"

"What did you feel?"

"I told you before. Like the bones in my face have been cracked open. In fact, it's like they've been crushed. It's awful! It's like he smacked me right across my face!"

"But how do you know it's Edward?" He asked with a frown. "It could have been anyone or Charlie could have fallen somewhere and hit is face. There are any number of possibilities to consider here. What makes you think it's Edward? Besides, Charlie is supposed to be at the hospital still."

I stared at him with wild, fiery eyes as I searched my head for a reasonable answer to his reasonable question. I'd have panicked if it wasn't for the molten lava wanting to explode from inside of my chest.

_Oh I forgot to tell you, I'm just as connected to your son as I am to my father…sorry for not mentioning that very big detail before? _I thought.

"It _was_ Edward," I snapped. "Trust me, I just know. Neither he nor Charlie is answering. They're together right now. They have to be."

Carlisle shook his head and exhaled. "Is your face the only place that hurts?"

He really knew the right questions to ask, but I couldn't let him know about my hand. Besides, it didn't hurt anymore, that was only at the beginning.

"Yes," I answered. "Carlisle I told you before. I can wrap my head around his reason for going down there after Charlie. I know he's only trying to help me, but I do not want him to _hurt _him out of spite. It's not Charlie's fault that we're connected the way we are."

I continued my pacing and with every step I got more riled and more impatient with myself.

"I told him that Charlie won't be easily persuaded and that he won't be able to force him to anything! Why the hell won't he listen to me?! He doesn't want to hear what I have to say. He has this wild, crazy, vigilante idea of capturing my father and he's so one tracked that he won't listen to reason!"

"What did you tell him Bella?"

"I told him that I can push Charlie out," I complained. "I told him that I did it, but he didn't believe me! He thought I was lying. Imagine that! I may be many things Carlisle but I am not a liar! What's even more infuriating is that he completely disregarded it and moved on as if I'd never said it! Isn't that what he wanted? For me to find a way to control it? And now that I can he won't even listen to me?! It's because he won't let anything get in the way of him avenging his disgust for Charlie. He got so mad at me for hiding things from him! And this…_THIS_ is why I hid it from him! But oh my God, it's worse than I could have EVER imagined! I never expected him to go after him!!"

"Bella," Carlisle sighed. "I really don't think that Edward put that much thought into it. He didn't have a plan. He's just doing this as he goes along."

"He doesn't have to have a plan to want to punish my father Carlisle. I know how he feels about him. Whether or not he planned any of it, I know he hates Charlie and I'm afraid that he won't be able to control himself if he gets his hands on him. Charlie can be quite infuriating and Edward isn't particularly known for his grace under pressure."

"Bella, first you should calm down. You're upsetting yourself and perhaps unnecessarily. We still don't know what happened, and I really think we ought to give Edward more credit than that. I don't think he was one who hit Charlie."

"I know it was him!" I yelled, pacing frantically in front of his desk. His eyes were following me from left to right and though he was composed, I could see the tension in his face. He suspected that I was right, only he was too honorable to admit it out loud. He knew Edward better than I did, and he was the one who said that his son needed anger management therapy.

"How could he even think he would get away with it?" I continued to rant as I paced with my hands moving in various, brisk gestures through the air. "He _knows_ that I would feel it the instant he did anything out of line. And still……."

"Again, you need to calm down. Have a seat and we w…," his phone started to ring then and I froze in anticipation as I watched him answer it.

"Edward," he gasped in relief. "What the _hell_ is going on! We've been trying to call you!"

"I want to talk to him," I ran over to Carlisle then but he held his arm out to hold me off and shot me a warning glance.

"Tell him that I know everything Carlisle!"

"What?" Carlisle said into the phone, focusing his eyes on a nonexistent point in front of his face as he listened.

"_What?_!" He retorted again and not knowing what Edward was saying on the other end was driving me _insane._

"What! What! What!" I cried out, bouncing up and down on my heels. "What's going on?!"

"No way Edward. What are you planning to do? You're out of control."

"Out of contr….? What is he…? What?! _Don't you dare touch him_!!" I screamed over Carlisle's shoulder. "_Edward do you hear me?!"_

I was so panicked by all the dreadful images I had concocted in my head of Edward seething over Charlie that I was past consolation and hadn't even realized that all physical discomfort had gone away completely. I would have been able to digest a self defense story from Edward because I was well aware that Charlie had the temper of a Pit Bull, and I'd have been equally pissed at Charlie or even more so if he had tried to hurt Edward, but it wasn't Charlie's hand that hurt from a strike, it was Edward's.

"Let me talk to him! I want to talk to my father!" I screamed pleadingly at Carlisle, but he was having none of my hysteria. He simply glanced at me and continued talking to Edward.

"It was pretty goddamned obvious Edward," he said. "You've created a very bad situation back here with Bella. She's hysterical. What the hell have you done?"

The rest of their conversation was blurry to me because I had returned to my pacing across the office floor, arguing and mumbling to myself about all the things that could have been avoided if Edward had just taken me with him. I felt cheated and it irritated me even more that he called Carlisle all the time with his updates and for help instead of me. I knew that Charlie needed dealing with, yes, but he was my father and Edward had no right to keep me in the dark like he did; and passing messages through Carlisle did _not_ make up for it.

"Call me when it's over," I heard Carlisle say. "I'll do it."

I looked across at Carlisle, my breathing and heart rate staggering all over the place. He looked away from me in distress then ran his hand over his face. When he looked at me again, it was with guilt and apology and I didn't like it one bit.

"What," I said to him. He got off his perch on the edge of his desk and walk around to his chair. He looked tired and stressed out and again I felt terrible for being the cause of it. When he passed his fingers through his hair, I looked away and swallowed the nostalgic lump in my throat.

"I wish you wouldn't do that," I said to him dejectedly.

"Do what?"

_Touch your hair the way Edward does. I don't feel like missing him this very moment. I feel like being angry with him, _I thought. _Anger helps._

"Nothing," I looked away.

"You were right," he said. "He _did_ hit him, but….he had to."

"_Had _to?"

"Apparently Charlie was trying to jump out of the car while Edward was driving. He's drunk again and Edward had to subdue him in what seemed like a hostile situation. It would have been worse if Charlie had jumped out of the car. He'd have ended right back at the hospital. The punch made it easier for Edward to take him to safety."

I folded my arms across my chest and frowned. I really hadn't felt any other sign of abuse other than the one lash, and what it boiled down to was a matter of trust. Edward wasn't a liar, if anything, he preferred to hide things rather than lie ….like me. I expelled a heavy breath of air as I thought about what Carlisle had said and then calmed down considerably. It wasn't odd that Charlie would try to jump out of a moving car. He had tried to kill himself twice so far so maybe he thought he'd get it right the third time.

"What do you think?" I asked Carlisle as the nightmare and chilling truth of Charlie's fragility struck me.

"I think it's the truth," Carlisle said. "He's been pretty straightforward about everything else so far."

I turned by back to him and stared at the wall, trying to be bigger than the overt, stubborn nature in me. I _did_ trust Edward and that was the only thing that made any difference.

"If Charlie had fallen out of that car, you'd have felt a lot more than just a punch to the face."

"_JUST_ a punch to the face?" I snorted. "_You_ try it."

"Bella," Carlisle said. "There's something else."

I turned around to face him again and arched an eyebrow.

"Your dad is drunk again and I could hear him screaming threats at Edward and basically just being hysterical and uncontrollable."

"Ok, so what's going to happen?" I asked, hating again that I had to get the ball by ball from Carlisle instead of directly from Edward himself.

"Edward needs to contain him and he's worried that….he's worried that you might get hurt in the process. He's going to have to use force because Charlie's being difficult."

"Of course he's being difficult. Did you expect him to just roll over and take whatever Edward dishes out? I told you both that this would happen. Charlie won't be forced to do anything and that's why the absence of a plan here bothers me so much. Carlisle I don't even care anymore about Edward's reason for being there. I'm not angry about it. I'm really not! I just wish he'd drop this ridiculous mission, give up and come home. I can fix this from here, on my own."

"Yes but, the fact is, Edward already has Charlie and after everything he's been through to get to that point, I don't think it will be easy to convince him to just walk away from it now. We have to accept what is and weigh the importance of the outcomes. We have two options as I see it. One, we force Edward to come home and allow Charlie to kill himself…and you know he will try again and that's not something you want to live with. Or two, we try to coerce him by any means possible to get help, detain him and prevent him from killing himself until he agrees to go to rehab."

"Sounds like hell or hell….as usual."

"I'm sorry to say this and trust me, I don't like this anymore than you do, but Edward is my son, I know him and I think we have to prepare ourselves for the possibility of Charlie getting knocked around a bit in order to control him, and trust me, I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't think it was the best way."

I shook my head sourly and bit down on my lip.

"Allow Edward to do this," Carlisle coaxed. "Allow him to help your father, and you."

"Fine," I shrugged. "Like I even had a choice! This really blows."

"Bella, he needs your help right now."

I cocked an eyebrow and watched as he shifted in his chair and transferred his weight back so that the back of the chair rocked back with his weight.

"What are you getting at?"

"He asked me to give you a pain killer," Carlisle said.

I raised my both eyebrows and widened my eyes.

"Huh?"

"Like I told you," Carlisle began with narrowed eyes and knitted eyebrows. "Your father is hysterical and Edward wants to restrain him, but he's afraid that…..."

"Yes, yes I already know all of that. What is he afraid of?"

"He doesn't want any resulting pain to transfer to you."

I almost choked.

"So in other words, he wants my permission to beat up Charlie. Carlisle if I drug myself I won't know what's happening to Charlie and I'd prefer if I knew."

"That's not wise."

"You agreed to it didn't you?" I let out a short, cynical laugh. "You think I should drug myself so that Edward could beat the crap out of Charlie."

"No, I think you should protect yourself in case it gets out of hand. He doesn't want to beat him, he wants to control him."

"And you bought that," I narrowed my eyes at him. "You're supposed to know Edward even better than I do Carlisle. This is not about containing a crazy drunk. If that was the case it would have happened already like the punch in the car without him having the time to call you about it. What he wants to do is hit Charlie out of spite, because he's angry. I'm not stupid."

"Bella…"

"I'm not taking any goddamned painkillers."

"But it can get dangerous…"

"I don't _care_ how dangerous it gets! Exactly how far does he intend to go anyway?! So I'll suffer a few clouts and stabs of pain, big deal! I do it all the time."

He got to his feet then and put his hands on his hips then we stared at each other for a few tense seconds.

"I've gone to hell and back through Charlie's pain already, I'm not running from it. In fact, it'll give me some practice in learning how to control it. So if Edward wants to beat the crap out of him, let him. I'll take it."

I hurried toward the door then, knowing that the situation between Edward and Charlie was very current and wildly contentious and that it was very possible to experience something at any moment right there in front of Carlisle. So I tried to get myself somewhere private quickly. I also didn't know what the emotional trauma would be like, feeling Edward's blows come to me through Charlie; feeling the two men that I loved more than my own life itself, hate and hurt each other. It was more than I could imagine. I heard Carlisle's phone ring as I fled from the office and I figured it would be Edward calling again, but I didn't turn back. Instead, I made a bee line for his bedroom door and ran.

By the time I got to it, I was out of breath. When I opened his door, I held my breath, stepped inside and closed the door behind me. Very slowly I let the air out of my lungs and inhaled warily, ready for the attack of his scent and as soon as the musky, dewy smell hit me I felt my knees buckle and I had to slide down the back of his door to the floor. I closed my eyes as I inhaled him and endured the tugging strings on my heart, seeing his lazily bent head and unnerving slanted smile, the twinkle in his eyes and the mess of his hair. I hadn't had that scent assault me so readily since the night he left and I hadn't been in his room since either.

I looked about his room then from where I sat. His guitar was encased on the couch, his laptop was on his desk, the blinds were closed, his books were neatly stacked on his desk, one of his coats was hung on the back of the chair there, a pair of sneakers was at the foot of his bed and the lights were all off.

A slight discomfort registered across my face then, but it was minimal and though Charlie's gap was present, I figured it was just some lingering effects from before. My right hand tingled again too, and Edward popped in and out with his gap, but even that was slight and I couldn't bloody well decide whether or not I was tired all of a sudden, or just lazy for some odd, godforsaken reason.

I worried about Charlie, that he would be no match for Edward's youth and strength, especially in a drunken state and having just left the hospital after a suicide attempt. Regardless of how pathetic he was, or how deserving of a good ass whopping, he was still my father and I still didn't want my boyfriend to damage him. It was highly advantageous.

I waited and waited for the fight to start and for the pain of Charlie's blows, but nothing happened. As I waited and his bed came into focus I remembered the orgasm that made its way to me a week ago, the one I couldn't even bring myself to talk about when I had talked to him on my birthday. I wished right then and there that he would forget about Charlie and do it to me again, even though it was obvious that he didn't know he did it in the first place. And even though the orgasm was frightful and it made me feel even lonelier without him there to actually touch me, I craved for him with such an insatiable desire that I was willing to go through any amount of personal embarrassment or nostalgia just to feel him inside of me again.

I remember being shocked when it happened and a part of me hurt at the possibility of him being with someone else just for a release, but I knew better than to suspect Edward of something so annihilating. I knew he loved me and I knew that I could trust him, so I had willingly crushed that thought as quickly as it appeared.

I had suspected from before that I could feel his orgasms, because I had felt the first _his _first one with me the day I touched him on his bed with his arm in the sling. I had to smother my physical reaction to it into his neck and even though he realized, he thought it had happened because I was over sensitive, never once suspecting that it was his own orgasm that he looked at through my eyes. And even though I knew I could feel him like that, I didn't think it would have happened while he was away, across so many thousands of miles. However, I had to admit, that if there was one thing my connection to Charlie proved, it was that distance heightened my sensitivity, so I really shouldn't have been surprised that Edward could reach me from that far and so intensely.

I dropped my eyes from his bed miserably then and looked at my wrist watch. Nothing had happened since I was in there, so I got to my feet lazily and went to his desk chair. I touched his coat lingeringly, then sat in the chair and opened his laptop. I wasn't trying to spy but as far as I was concerned, the keys he had given me to the nursery and Marcus' room were the most private things left of him, so his laptop had to be fair game. I also didn't expect to find anything overtly interesting on it and was just looking for a distraction or a release from the stress of the day. I immediately noticed the file on his desktop titled 'Bella' and with curious eyes I opened it to see. I was surprised to find that it was a daily track record of the symptoms I had been hiding from him the entire week leading up to Charlie's Anaphylactic Shock episode.

The memory of that day and what it had caused made me press my hand to my chest as I read through the log, moved by his discreet yet stringent concern for me and the way he monitored me in abject silence. Things that I never thought he suspected were documented, like my flushed face, my posture, my dizziness, even my bathroom runs. It was no wonder he was so worked up about it and so angry when I wouldn't admit to any of it, because he knew all along and it was driving him crazy. I closed the file then and turned off the computer as a tear rolled down my cheek.

I had to face the truth then. Regardless of what did or didn't happen between Charlie and me, Edward would have gone after him. He was way too consumed by my condition to just leave it alone and even if I hadn't been rushed to the hospital that day, I was convinced that he would have found another reason to leave. He was that driven.

The door opened then and I looked up to see Carlisle standing in the doorway.

"You weren't in the library," he said, sweeping his eyes across the room. I shrugged and waited for him to continue.

"You seem fine though," he said with appraising eyes, though I was incredibly tired and I even felt kind of dizzy and loopy. Even Charlie's gap was hazy and indistinct.

Again I shrugged.

"Has anything happened yet?"

"Nope."

He looked relieved when I said it.

"If something was going to happen, it would have happened by now I think," he said. "Enough time has passed. I don't think we have anything to worry about for the rest of the day."

_For the rest of the day, _I thought miserably. Another day was conquered, and every other one after that would have to be tackled one at a time, until he came back to me.

I got up to leave but swayed slightly on my feet and grinned when it happened.

"Wow," I said. "Maybe I should go home now."

"That's a good idea," he said. "But you look terribly stressed and quite exhausted. I don't think you should drive."

"Do you have my car keys?" I asked.

"Why would I have your keys Bella?"

"Well," I smirked and chuckled a bit as I swayed again. "They're actually_ yours_ aren't they?"

"I think I should take you home."

"Oh wait," I snapped my head up. "The library, my keys are in the library with the rest of my stuff. Thanks."

I started to walk toward him but my feet were so heavy that I almost had to drag them through the thick carpeting.

"Are you alright?" He asked and held his hands out to me.

"I hope you don't mind that I was in here," I said, avoiding his question purposely. I hated that question and the frequency in which it was asked of me.

"I don't mind, no," he answered. "Bella, you look sick."

"Whoa, no no no. Far from sick," I snickered. "I feel fine." But I wasn't and already everything in my vision started to blur together.

"Where are my car keys again?" I raised an eyebrow.

"That's it. I'm taking you home. Come with me."

"But….my car is here."

"Minor detail," he said as he guided me down the corridor away from Edward's room.

"You forgot to close his door," I said.

"Another minor detail," he said calculatingly. "Bella, should I know anything about what's happening right now?"

"Um…..well, I'm a itty bitty bit tired."

"You're acting like you're high."

I scoffed. "On what?!"

"Something a lot like Morphine," he bit out.

"Hahahaha. I _swear_ I didn't take any," I giggled.

"Sit down," he said as he deposited me into a chair in his office. I didn't even realize that we had made it down the stairs already.

"Dude," I said. "I'm just tired. Today was a long day. Hey, what's that?"

"What's what Bella?"

"Aren't you seeing it?" I asked as I swiped my arm through the air and almost fell over.

"No, you have to tell me. What do you see?""

"There! That cloudy thingy. It's right over your head! Look up!"

"Jesus," he groaned and shook his head.

And before I could say or do anything more, the weight of my head pulled me down and I fell asleep.


	49. Chapter 49 Whatever it takes

**Chaps 50 and 51 belong to Edward. 52 is Bella and 53 is both Edward & Bella. So lots of Edward to come….and less Jake. I promise…lol.**

**This chap was necessary because one, it deals with Jake once and for all and two, it's the beginning of a new Bella. Good stuff ahead. Happy reading **

* * *

**Chapter 49 ******

**Whatever it takes.**

The days turned to weeks and then just like that, Edward had been gone for a month. Finals came and went and a welcomed summer spread across a Forks sky. I received the sun just like I knew I would and even though, so far, it never got as dry as it did in Phoenix, the warmth was a lot more comforting than the wet cold of before. The leaves got their color back and there were days when I was able to retreat, lay somewhere with my eyes closed and just listen to the sounds of the leaves rustling, the birds singing and the grazing of the breeze over its path. I found my way back to the Oak eventually. That's where I did most of my listening. I went there when I couldn't go to the mansion and work on the nursery, like on the days when Esme was there and tried to keep an eye on me.

As it turned out, summer in Forks wasn't so bad. Alice was officially done with High School and she had picked up the habit of sulking and bitching because Jasper still had a year left to do at Forks High. She had gotten accepted to the University of Washington and had plans to commute often between Forks and college so that she could see Jasper often. It was an ongoing argument between her and Esme all of a sudden, every day. Alice wanted to travel back and forth every other weekend to see Jasper, but Esme wanted Alice to focus on studying and to give the relationship a break until Christmas. The worst argument of all occurred when Alice threatened to take a job at Sunset Lanes, the bowling alley, on a one year sabbatical instead of going to college so that she could wait for Jasper and leave for college with him.

I'd never heard Esme scream so loud, not even in her worst fights with me or Charlie, did she ever raise her voice to the point where she went hoarse afterward. Alice had locked herself up in her room for a straight week after that and refused to communicate with anyone except for Jasper. Eventually it was settled that she would leave for college at the end of summer and visit once month including every break. Jasper would take the trip across to her once a month as well, giving them two weekends every month with each other; not bad, though not ideal either.

My days were quiet for the most part. I worked in the nursery often though I hadn't started planting anything yet. Cleaning and organizing the place alone took more time than I had thought it would at first, but most of all it was therapeutic and it kept my mind occupied on something constructive. For those three and a half hours every evening I was focused and free of the obsessive, mental turmoil of missing Edward and worrying about what was going on in Florida.

The day after I felt him hit Charlie, I reflected long and hard about the situation. It was the first time I had gone to the Oak instead of to the mansion to work in the nursery after school. I sat under that tree and stared up into it, working up the courage to take the rope in my hands and climb and eventually I did, but not without first scanning the area for any signs of Victoria.

I wondered about a lot of things up in that tree. I wondered about how much longer my wait for Edward would be, about the way things were changing between us, about his relationship with Charlie, about the various things Charlie must be thinking about me because of Edward, about my changing feelings for Charlie; but most of all I regretted my condition and the way it drove Edward away from me. And as the hours ticked by and the sun began to set and the chill of the Forks night encroached on my still form, my bitterness for Charlie festered and my new found, though imperfect resolve to cure myself of him, grew. By the time school was out and summer began, my mind had evolved into a one tracked machine, directed to the sole purpose of getting Edward back to Forks. I didn't care how or what I had to do, I had made up my mind to do whatever it took to get him home.

Jacob visited me often and I had learned how to enjoy his company without feeling the sickening nostalgia for Edward whenever he smoked or cussed or drove like a speeding maniac. It was very easy to talk to and be comfortable around him since he had already known the details of my peculiar condition and I didn't have to hide much from him. He was also very diplomatic about never bringing it up, which I appreciated. Like everybody else, he only knew about my condition as it pertained to Charlie. He didn't know about Edward. That was something I wanted to keep between Edward and me and it seemed that Edward wanted it that way too. It was Carlisle who told Jacob about me when he advised him that he couldn't be my doctor anymore and why. He said that he did it in the strictest of confidence and that Jacob would never betray my secret.

I remember the day I found out that he knew. We were taking one of our walks coming down to the end of the school term when my head started to hurt. It was only a hunger headache because I had skipped lunch that day and had only half a bagel for breakfast, and when I pressed at the sides of my head with my fingers and winced slightly, he got a little more than characteristically nervous about it. He kept looking over his shoulder for God only knew who or what and then he asked if I wanted him to call Carlisle for help.

"What? Carlisle? Why?" I had laughed. "It's only a headache Jacob. Why are you freaking out?"

His awkwardness sold him out easily. He stared at me like he thought I might faint or something and when he asked if I needed to be somewhere private, I realized.

"It's ok Jake," I said, trying to smile at him.

"You sure?" He swallowed nervously. "'Cause we can head back you know. We could stop by a pharmacy for some pills or something."

He was trying to pretend like he didn't know.

"No I mean, it's ok that you know about me."

He stopped walking and held on to my arm and when I nodded in consolation, he released a pent up breath of air.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I should have told you that I know."

His eyes shifted all over my face and head as he drank in every point he could find there. I shrugged and started to walk again.

"You don't have to apologize. It's a hard thing to talk about and I haven't exactly been open to talking about my health issues with you. So I get why you didn't say anything but please, don't freak out on me ok. I've had enough freaking out as it is. I just want….normalcy, for once. Please treat me like I'm normal."

He shoved his hands into his pockets and bent his head.

"You are normal Bell," he said softly. "But you're incredibly special at the same time. I'd be hard pressed to find another person like you in the world."

"Thanks I guess?" I smiled. "So….is that what all this is about?"

"All what?"

"This fixation you have on being my friend. You trying to keep an eye on me or something? One of Carlisle's legions of protectors? You have to admit that we're an odd pair, not the most likely to be friends if it was left up to the natural mechanism of the universe."

"You and this universe talk again," he laughed. "I seriously doubt that the universe is as obsessed with you as you are with it."

"You have your theories and I have mine," I answered smugly. "So, answer me."

"No," he said. "That's not why I wanted to be your friend. I want to be your friend because I like you and I find you interesting. Though I have to admit that when Carlisle told me about you, I got a little more than normally intrigued by you. You have to remember that I've studied the patterns of human behavior and mental functions, so him telling me something like that about you and then telling me that I couldn't work with you anymore was like waving a piece of blood red steak in front of a hungry wolf, then forbidding him to have any."

"So us being friends provided you with a way to study me outside of the office then," I concluded.

"Don't make it sound so calculated," he said, then dropped his heavy arm around my shoulders. "That much thought wasn't put into it. Besides, you're such a bundle of joy, who _wouldn't _want to be your friend?"

"Ha ha," I smirked sarcastically. "Not funny."

"So are you really ok with the fact that I know?" He asked.

"I don't have much of a choice do I Jake," I answered. "Obsessing about it now won't make any sense."

"That doesn't answer my question little one."

"Yes I'm ok with it," and I really was.

"And your head?" He asked and he bent his arm around my shoulders upward by his elbow and cupped the top of my head with his hand.

"The headache is mine," I grunted. "I haven't eaten and I think I should. Let's go back. Where are your bread crumbs when I need them anyway?"

* * *

For the most part, I had learned to deal with my volatile and unpredictable mood swings due to Edward's absence. I channeled all my energy into the restoration of the nursery and I hoped more than anything else that working on it would help pass the time until he was back. When he had just left, I was angry, stubborn and bitter all the time, fluctuating back and forth between those feelings and the gut twisting pain of missing and yearning for him every living moment of both the day and night; however, the anger and bitterness had turned into abject impatience and instead of bitching and complaining all the time, I found myself thinking about any and every means possible of getting him to abandon his mission and come home.

The reports from Florida were consistent. At first, Charlie was stunned into submission and had been so shocked for the first day or two that all he did was sit in quiet dejection and follow Edward everywhere around the motel room with his eyes and ears. He didn't talk much apparently, only answered certain questions that Edward asked, but mostly he listened and whenever he disagreed or refuted anything that Edward had said, instead of swearing and rebelling like he had at first, he retreated into stony silence and ignored Edward completely. The image of Charlie swearing was still strange to me as Edward left no details out of his reports, and even though Carlisle tried arduously to filter the information, the distasteful points still had a way of coming across. In all my years living with Charlie I'd never heard him use an obscene word, not once; and though I'd never given Edward's potty mouth a second thought, I felt differently about it when it came to Charlie. When I met Edward he already had a dirty mouth and it was one of those things that made him dangerously sexy, but Charlie's was a fairly recent development and it in no way made him sexy _or_ dangerous. I was just….eeww and it made me want to slap him silly.

Slowly but surely I began to accept that Charlie had changed and that he wasn't the man I had held on to for so long. He was a victim of his circumstances and because of that, parts of him were destroyed, perhaps forever.

Edward still sent me daily text messages and as best as I could, and whenever I wasn't hell bent on the fact that he didn't call, I responded to him. One afternoon, just three days into the summer vacation while in the nursery, I got one of his texts.

'_What R U doing right now beautiful?'_

Of course my heart skipped and bounced and I smiled like a fool because he had called me beautiful. He had developed the trick of sending his messages in question form too so that the pressure to respond to him was greater. I took off Elizabeth's garden gloves and bit down on my lower lip, wondering what I should say to him as my garden project was still a secret. I glanced around the bright room. So far I had accomplished the scrubbing of all of the dome shaped windows and during my cleaning I had discovered that one of the longer windows that went straight down to the floor was actually an exit onto an ample balcony on the outside. It was more than a balcony too as was evident by the hooks and empty pots hanging from the wall and the built in shelves on the outside. An area for outdoor plants was wonderful and the weather beaten chairs I found out there gave me a way of climbing up to scrub the windows from the outside. Never mind the precariously balanced stool on top a chair and the awkward shape of the windows, I managed ok and the results were spectacular. The light that came in afterward was breathtaking and it improved my mood every time I walked in and was greeted by its brilliant welcome spilling over everything on the inside.

I twisted my lips as I thought about my response to him as I held my cell firmly, then smiled as I decided to play with the truth a little.

'_Using those keys U left me,' _I typed.

He took forever to respond and though the wait was unbearable, I sat and stared at the phone between gripping sweaty fingers until the message alert tone came through.

'_Really? Wow. How's that going?'_

I didn't want to spoil the surprise, so I decided to keep it as vague as possible.

'_Interesting.'_

'_OK- I guess,' _he sent back.

There was something I had wanted to tell him for a while and I decided to take the plunge on that day.

'_Thank U,' _I sent.

'_4 what?' _He responded.

'_All of it & 4 everything, but most of all 4 loving me enough to not hurt him.' _

A mere few seconds after I sent it, the phone started to ring and I almost dropped it in surprise, especially when I realized it was him calling. It was the first call since my birthday.

"Edward," I answered a little too hastily and with bated breath.

"You have no idea how you've just made my day," he crooned softly.

The unanticipated gift of his voice was sweetly uplifting and I pressed the phone to my ear as if doing that would take me closer to him somehow.

"Have I?"

"Yes. You just managed the impossible and made me smile."

"I did?" I heard the echoing of my thundering heart in my chest. Any louder and he would have heard it.

Then I heard him exhale a sharp breath with a soft chuckle and the sound engulfed me, blurring everything else in the room to the point where the entire goddamned universe and everything within it froze and faded away until there was nothing else in existence but the sound of his voice and his breath in the phone, snagging mine into a crypt inside of my throat, allowing only brevities to be uttered rather than spoken. All I wanted was to bask in the sound of him, to listen to him without the distraction of my own awkwardness, and had he allowed it, I would have lain on the floor for hours doing just that.

"You're not saying much," his voice was smiling and gentle and very different to the anxiety I had heard in him when he called on my birthday.

"Oh," I answered, with a small case of nerves working against me, still trying to adjust to the unexpectedness of his voice in my ears.  
"I um..." I giggled a little. "Hello. I can't believe you called."

"Bella Swan. Are you blushing to talk to me?" He teased and it was all too sweet and torturous at the same time, aggravating that perpetual lump in my throat. Of course, and because he said it, I blushed, though I feigned a scoff and rolled my eyes, hoping that the exaggerated effort put into it would translate into my voice.

"Me? Blush?" He knew me like hamster knew its wheel.

"I think you_ are_ blushing and I love it. You are unfairly adorable when you blush."

I knew that crying would completely spoil our moment and it would make him regret that he called because he seemed to be deathly afraid of hearing the torture in my voice since he had left, so I tried really hard not to cry and not to betray my desecrated emotions with any quivering in my voice.

"What are you doing now?" I asked him.

"Thinking about you."

How did he do that? He was ready to toss himself head first into a flirtatious conversation with me in the middle of everything and probably right in front of Charlie. If the sound of my voice hurt so much, didn't flirting hurt more? God, the things he did to my heart with his suggestive, crooning, sexy tone of voice and his affectionate words were fatal, and though I had held off my tears thus far I knew that if I had continued down that road and pretended like I wasn't dying inside I would have either caved or sounded bitter just to assuage my wounds. I needed to either change the subject very quickly or do something to distract myself from the barrage of tears that gushed to the surface, so I lunged forward and grabbed a clay pot off the nearest counter and dragged it off the edge. When it crashed to the floor and broke his voice lost its dreamy pitch and got serious, and I was able to breathe again.

"What was that?!" He asked.

"Um…. Gosh! I uh…. I'm such a clutz. I just knocked over something that broke. God, the mess. I have to clean this quickly."

"What is it? Are you hurt?"

"No I'm not hurt, but I narrowly escaped a nasty cut."

"Bella," he sighed. "Are you sure you're ok?"

"I'm fine. Sorry to cut our conversation short but…," I needed to escape, but I couldn't say good bye. The sound of his voice was too surreal to contain in his absence. It made me hurt more and cope less and finally I understood what he had meant when he said that it was too hard for him to call and too hard for him to hear my voice. Finally, it struck me like a needle to my heart and I felt the pain of the merciless tease, offering only the idea of him though not allowing me any real portion of him, nothing to touch or taste.

"I miss you Bella," he said. "And please don't thank me for any of this. It's because I love you."

"Ok," I choked out.

"You sound……"

"I know," I choked out again, and wiped at the first release of moisture from my eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm trying."

"I know," he sighed. "Now do you understand what I've trying to explain about it being hard to call you all the time?"

"Maybe," I whimpered. "But it would help if you came home. Then I wouldn't have to feel like crying all the time."

He sighed again and this time it sounded like frustration.

"I'll message you later. I love you Bella."

"Love you too," I swallowed.

"I'll let you go now."

"Ok."

I snapped the phone shut hastily and not a moment too soon, because in that same second the tears came sprinting out of my eyes, sucking my wells dry and worsening my loneliness. I wept for him again, mournfully, as the miles between us stretched, hating to feel like I couldn't talk to him because it made me too emotional and crazy with hurt. At first when he told his reason for not calling, I was pissed and I thought he was being silly and over dramatic. I thought that he was being stubborn and that it was mean hearted to refuse to speak with me knowing how much I missed him, but that was when I sought strength in my anger; when I was trying to find any reason to support why he was wrong and I was right.

Things were different now though and as the days and weeks passed, I understood more and more. It _was_ hard to hear his voice because it made the yearning worse and the nostalgia more sickening. I really was ready to do any and everything to bring him home, because living like we were made no sense, especially because I was convinced that it was unnecessary given my willingness and ability to control my empathic synergy with Charlie.  
It was impossible to get through my nursery tasks after his phone call, so I locked up and left. It was Wednesday afternoon and I knew Alice was off somewhere with Jasper, soaking up every minute of his existence until it was time for her to leave for college. I tried not to find solace in her pain because I wouldn't have wished my kind of suffering on anyone, least of all the sister I loved dearly, but misery has a way of liking company and as hard as I tried, I couldn't help but feel avenged that I could witness someone else be unwillingly parted from the one they loved. What Alice didn't appreciate however was the fact that she would not be the one left behind. She was the one moving on to new scenery and new distractions and new things to keep her occupied, and as much as she'd miss Jasper, it would be nothing like the gut wrenching stink of being left in the world belonging to the one who left. Being separated from Charlie was hard, but at least back then it was_ me_ who moved and nothing about Forks made me think of him. Nothing about Forks enkindled a memory associated with Charlie. With Edward however, it was a nightmare because everything and everyone about Forks and my life there enkindled memories of him and made my adjustment to our separation harder.

On my way out of the mansion, through the East Wing of the second floor toward the flight of stairs, I heard voices as I approached Carlisle's office. His door was open and I recognized Esme's voice immediately. I glanced at my watch just two steps shy of the door and stopped. It was 6:30 already.

"There's no point in feeling guilty about it honey," I head Esme saying. "I honestly think that the worst is over by now. He has Charlie under control and that way we can be confident that the chances of another incident are slim to none. We are well on our way out of this. If we start distracting him with things from home now, we may undo everything he has accomplished. Why is this bothering you so badly now anyway? It's been weeks since Edward left and Bella is coping better already."

"Because he's kept _his_ end of the deal perfectly," Carlisle answered. "And it makes me feel deceitful. He calls everyday like I've asked him to with a report, even when there is nothing new to report and he's kept his hands off Charlie. All he asks about is Bella. He only ever wants to know that she is ok and that I'm looking out for her and still, I haven't been completely honest with him. I have to report to him like he reports to me. It's only right."

"But you haven't been dishonest or deceitful," she said. "Don't be so hard on yourself. You're only protecting him and you said it yourself that if he knew everything that's happened, he would have lost his focus and his mission would have suffered because of it. If he came back here prematurely because he thought Bella couldn't cope and then something happened again with Charlie, he would never forgive himself. You also told me that you've never seen him so driven or motivated about anything since your family members passed and that you thought he needed this. Don't take that away from him Carlisle. Not like this."

"I hear what you're saying," Carlisle argued. "But I also know that if he knew I was keeping things from him, he would feel betrayed by me and that's not something I want to face."

I took another step toward the door and pressed my back against the wall, shamelessly eavesdropping and feeling not a single ounce of remorse for doing it. Whatever they were talking about stirred my blood like a witch over a pot of boiling brew and I wasn't sure why, but I knew I needed to hear it.

"Ok then, let's go through it," Esme continued. "Just so we know the scope of what we're dealing with."

I took another half step forward, careful not to go too close to the frame and be seen, careful not to do so much as breathe too loud for fear of being heard.

Esme went on.

"First, there was the incident with the French toast….very minor, nothing to talk about really. He doesn't need to know about that. Then there was the seclusion. That's expected with Bella. She's reclusive and he knows it. Again, not worthy of mention. There was the anxiety attack the first time Charlie tried to kill himself but that happened at my house. You didn't even have to know about that….."

"Let's not insult his intelligence," Carlisle interjected. "He knows you wouldn't keep that from me."

"Let me finish. The next big thing was the fight at school, then the suspension, the nose bleeds which we can connect to Edward's discovery of Charlie's cocaine sniffing, the one incident with Charlie since he left that you haven't told him about when you brought her back here instead of to the hospital; and finally….the last incident on account of Charlie's second suicide attempt – which he already knows about, so we won't count that one."

"That sounds like an awfully long list Esme," Carlisle groaned and I heard his chair squeak under the weight of his shifting. "And counting them out like that hasn't done anything to make me feel better. It's only made me feel worse."

"So what's _your _suggestion then?" She asked. "Call him and tell him all of this now? So long after the fact just to clear your own conscience? All you'll do is upset him and throw him off course. If he hears these things, he will worry about her and worst of all…..," she sighed. "He just might abandon everything and come back here without finishing what he's started and he's been doing so great so far. I know he's your son and you worry about it will be worse if he comes back now. Charlie is a loose canon and until we're sure that Bella can control this thing like she says she can, it's too risky."

"Are you hearing yourself," Carlisle said. "You sound more like you want Edward to do this for you than for Bella. And my intention is not to clear my conscience. I have to do right by my son. Every time he asks about her and I neglect to tell him the whole truth I feel like I am deceiving him."

"Don't you for one minute think that I am looking out for myself over my daughter," Esme chided. "The reason I am so hell bent on this thing working, is for her, because I can't stand to see my little girl hurt anymore and so far Edward has been the closest thing to an end to this nightmare."

My heart was racing so fast that my breathing quickened. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Carlisle and Esme was purposely withholding information about me from Edward because they didn't want him to lose focus and run back home to me. I knew when Carlisle admitted to not telling Edward about the fight that he was filtering his information to Edward, but I didn't think it was to that extent, and premeditated at that! I would have told Edward about the fight myself except that we barely talked on the phone and telling him something like that via text message didn't seem right, nor did I want to start a fight on top of everything else with him so far away.

Right there, standing in that spot was when my entire mindset changed. If they thought that my radical behavior would panic Edward and get him to leave Florida….then I'd certainly have to step things up a notch or two; and if Carlisle was having trouble with his conscience for keeping things from Edward, I'd have to make it even harder for him by making that long list of offenses even longer. So far Edward hadn't listened to my plea about my ability to control my connection to Charlie and as I stood there in that corridor outside Carlisle's office I decided that if that revelation didn't work, then I'd have to get his attention another way.

I was ready to do anything to get Edward back home, and eavesdropping on Esme and Carlisle had given me the answer on how to do it. The idea was devilish and completely out of character for me, but what I heard next put the seal on my decision.  
"It's hardly abnormal for her to make a new friend in Jacob Black. Why would you think that's abnormal? He is a very respectable young man and so what if he's older than her. He's brilliant and charming and we know his father very well."  
"So you don't think that Bella is leaning on Jacob because she's vulnerable and looking for comfort right now? Come on Esme. She hated even the sight of him just a few weeks ago and he's her ex-therapist for crying out loud. I think it's a recipe for trouble and I'm surprised that Jacob would even allow it. It's unprofessional."

"Unprofessional is a harsh word. He's her ex-therapist, past tense. He has crossed no line as far as I'm concerned. They're both young and attractive and I like him."

"_What?!"_ I gasped in a whisper as I took a few steps away from the door. Of all the absurdities! Esme liked the idea of Jacob and me together. Was she hoping that Jacob might replace Edward in some way in his absence? What exactly did she think was going to happen?!

I walked back a short distance the way I came, then forward again past the office, pretending like I was just breezing by for the first time and hadn't heard anything.

Their voices stopped the moment I walked by and by the time I had made it to the staircase, Esme was behind me.

"Bella?" She called from behind. I spun around and feigned nonchalance.

"Oh hi mom," I said casually. "I'm just on my way out."

She frowned and looked back down the corridor.

"Where did you come from? I thought you were out with Jacob?"

It irritated me when she said it. Being friends with Jacob did _not_ automatically mean that I spent every waking minute of the goddamned day with him and I definitely didn't like the way she said 'out' either.

"No Esme," I replied. "I've been here, reading in the library and well…," I didn't exactly come from the direction of the library and I saw her eyes shift to the library doors when I said that….in the other direction. "I was touring as well. I like to walk around the mansion when I get bored. It's very interesting."

_Ugh. I was such a terrible liar_.

"Touring?"

"Yes."

"Oh, well I_ did_ see the Porsche out front, but I assumed it was Alice and that she was here with Jasper in the game room or something."

"She might very well be here," I replied. "But she would have come with Jasper. She let me have the car."

"Ok. Well… I'll see you home soon. I won't be much longer." She considered me closely, probably checking for any sign that I heard them talking, but I smiled and shrugged then waved her off and made my way down the stairs.

As my luck would have it, Jacob called me on my way home even though we hadn't exchanged phone numbers. We didn't need to because whenever he wanted to harass me he'd just show up on my doorstep.

"Hello," I answered.

"Hey Bella!" I knew it was his voice and I could hear his joviality bouncing through the headset.

"Jacob. How did you get my number?"

"Ummmm…..Off your file? Please don't shoot!"

"You know, the more I hear about this file of mine, the more I think it needs to be burnt. You ought to get rid of it. I'm no longer your patient."

"What's the problem? You don't like that I called you?"

"What is it Jacob?"

Ever the good natured guy, he chuckled and skipped over my brevity.

"I have a proposition for you."

"Huh?"

"Would you be interested in a summer job?"

"I haven't thought about it, why?"

"Well," he said. "Remember that pregnant receptionist I told you about?"

"_Yeeaahhh_?" I stretched the word out suspiciously.

"Well, she's not pregnant anymore. So I suddenly have a vacancy."

"She had the baby?"

"Yup, like an hour ago. So what do you say?"

"Why would want _me _to work for you?"

"Because you're smart and bored and…."

"I love the way you keep implying that I do nothing when the day comes. I am _not_ bored."

"But you have to admit," he went on. "You wouldn't mind the distraction."

I hated the way he was always so on point with me, like his ears were always on call, feeling me out and listening very intently to everything I said, knowing what to register and how to interpret it.

_Stupid, intelligent, intuitive doctors!!_

"I told you before," I grunted. "I hate your office and I never want to set foot in there again."

"Sleep on it," he laughed. "And if you don't completely hate the idea, stop by whenever. I'll even pay you."

"You're too kind, actually considering the idea of paying me work…who'd have thought," I retorted. I knew I could use the extra money to buy the things I needed for the nursery because already as it was, my allowance was almost completely absorbed by the little I had bought so far.

"What else are you gonna do for three months?" He asked.

_Wait for Edward_, I thought glumly. And the thought haunted me; the entire summer without him, three more months of unbridled torture. The image of me trying to avoid my thoughts in silence for an indefinite period of time scared me and suddenly the idea of a constructive distraction wasn't such a bad idea after all. The money would also be a perk.

"But wait," I frowned as I talked and drove. "What do you need a receptionist for anyway? You have like….no work to do. Have you gotten new patients?"

"Let me worry about that. There's always paper work. Look, just try it for one week," he said. "If you're going out of your mind after that, you can leave. No hard feelings."

"What if I go out of my mind long before a week is over?"

"Leave whenever you want. Just try it."

I bit into my bottom lip and squinted. "Ok, I'll try it."

"Really?!" He laughed.

"Please don't sound so excited," I grumbled. "Or I'll change my mind."

"Ha, always so easily embarrassed."

"And stop doing that."

"What?"

"Analyzing me. It's not cool. When do I start?"

"Tomorrow my little one," he answered.

"Goodbye Jacob."

"See you then."

* * *

Working for Jacob turned out to be one of the most boring, scratch my eyeballs out, kind of things to do and that was taking into consideration my days of lying in bed throwing shoes and random paraphernalia at a drawn bulls eye on my wall.

After the third day of sorting and filing paper, answering the phone and reorganizing things on my desk every ten minutes, I was completely zoned out and scolding myself for not turning down the job when I had the chance. The guy literally had no patients to see and no work to do, and most of the phone calls were wrong numbers or misdirected calls. I found myself playing on the computer more than anything else and when I wasn't doing that I was staring off into space, fingering the map of Forks he gave me so that I wouldn't get lost, or thinking about what plants and flowers I wanted to plant in the nursery. Sitting in that office made me long for the evenings when I could get my hands into Elizabeth's gloves again and dig into dirty pots and play with potting soil.

On Friday morning just before lunch Jacob stuck his head out through his office door, making his dark thick ponytail hang down over his shoulder and grinned at me.

"Hungry?"

I raised bored eyes to him. "Wait, let me see if I can clear my schedule here. Oh look, nothing to do today."

"Ouch," he smiled. "Let's go."  
The ride in his pick up was always bumpy and eventful. He pushed that vehicle hard as he mashed down on the accelerator with his heavy foot and shifted in and out of gears at lightning speed. I never got nervous though. Edward's driving had more than prepared me for what speed felt like in a car, but speed that high up in the air, bouncing and jouncing all over the goddamned place, was different.

"Where are we going?" I asked him when I noticed we were heading into a part of the town I had never seen before. It looked like we were driving out of Forks judging by the merging of buildings into forestry on either side of the road.

"To the best fish fry you'll ever have in your life."

"And where is this fish…..fry?"

"On the res," he smiled. "Don't worry. You're with your boss. Take as long as you like."

I shot him an unimpressed glance. "We're going to your house at La Push aren't we?"

"Yup."

I tensed up immediately. Hanging out with him around the place was one thing. Taking little walks and enduring his playful harassment was entertaining, but going to his house for lunch was disconcerting and questionable and had I known that before getting into the jeep, I would have said no. I knew for sure that had Edward been around I would not have been in that jeep on my way to La Push for fish fry or whatever it was Jacob called it, so from that angle, it felt wrong. I folded my arms across my chest then and turned my stare out the window.

"What's the matter?" He asked, sensing the change in my disposition.

"You didn't ask me if I wanted to go to your house. You asked me if I wanted to get lunch."

"Relax, we're only stopping by my house to pick up lunch, but we're not eating there. We'll go for a walk."

"Jake," I said, unfolding my arms and dropping my hands into my lap. "I thought you were taking me to a café or a diner or something. You really shouldn't have gone through all this fuss."

"Will you freaking relax!" He laughed. "Fuck! It must hurt to be inside your head. When do you ever just sit back and breathe and just….go with the flow?!"

That insulted me a little, but I didn't say anything because he was right…kind of. I folded my arms again and stayed quiet for the rest of the drive as he talked about his Quileute ancestors and the contributions they made to the place I was about to see. I hardly heard any of it. All the while I dissected Jacob's reasons for wanting me to work for him and why his advances though seemingly innocent at first, started getting a little more obvious. He said that working for him would be a distraction and when I thought about what his idea of a distraction could have meant….or distraction from _who_, I tensed up again. Distracting me from obsessive thoughts about Edward was ok, but trying to distract me from _Edward,_ was not.

When we pulled up in front of his house, even though I was peeved, I couldn't deny that the place was beautiful. It had to have one of the most tranquil, humble, clean and natural places I'd ever seen. The wind sounded like breeze and I could hear the faint sound of waves crashing against a shore in the distance. The dirt crunched under my shoes the way I liked and the most heavenly smell of something edible was coming right out of his house.

"This is my house," he said, gesturing to the small but neat structure surrounded by uneven, grassy terrain. I could see other houses too scattered through the trees all with the same basic frame and homey look with dirt pathways connecting them all together. The neighborhood was rustic and peaceful and looked like a marvelously cozy and comfortable place to live. I was sure that many healthy, happy childhoods were reared there and I couldn't resist a small smile at the thought.

I followed him up the path to his house and before we even made it to the front door, his father wheeled himself out. I remembered him from the banquet that Esme had took Alice and me to, the night Edward fractured his shoulder and the first time I realized I had an empathic connection to him. Even seeing Jacob's father incited a memory of Edward and I let out a sharp painful breath as I transfixed a smile on my face and put my hand in Billy's outstretched one.

"Bella," Billy smiled. "It's wonderful to see you again."

"Hi Billy," I smiled.

"You remember my name."

"Yes," I chuckled.

"Jake has kidnapped you."

"Yes," I said in a much darker tone and flashed Jacob an annoyed look. "But if what I smell in there is what he brought me for, I think I can forgive him."

Both Billy and Jacob laughed and then Billy started wheeling himself inside the house with one hand, while holding my hand in his other.

"I made it," he said. "It's Jake's favorite. I make t once every week. You should come by and have more if you like it."

I glanced at Jacob, whose smile was as gargantuan as a kid's in a candy store. I rolled my eyes at him and shook my head.

"There you go," Billy said as he took me to the small kitchen and showed me the bags on the table before releasing my hand. "Already bagged for you. Jake I'm heading over to Clearwater's. I'll see you when you get back later. Bella, it was a pleasure. Please don't be a stranger and give my regards to your mother."  
So polite.  
"Thanks," I waved to him as Jacob helped wheel him out through the front door. The inside of Jacob's house was small and compact and it reeked of male domination, making me wonder about his mother all of a sudden. It was then I realized that in all our conversations, he had never spoken about his personal life. It was usually somehow about me and even when he talked about himself, he kept the conversation centered around his campus life and never about his home.

He walked back in then, rubbing his hands together and grinning.

"Let's head out," he said, brushing past me to grab the greasy bags off the table. I followed him outside and maneuvered my way through the pathways, grass and uneven earth.

"Where are we going now?"

"To the beach," he spoke up. The more we walked, the louder the sound of the waves got and pretty soon I could see it, stretching far and beyond the reach of my eyes, beautiful with flat sands and glittering water.

He offered me his hand a few times whenever there was something huge to step or climb over and every time he did it, I waved him off and made my way over the obstacle on my own. I would never have thought that a beach so alive and wide existed amidst the deep forestation just outside of Forks and even though the water wasn't a Caribbean blue, nor did I think as warm, it was easy on the eyes and pleasant to the ear. I took off my boots to walk through the sand and it felt grainy between my toes and not nearly as powdery as it looked.

We took a seat on one of the low rocks and for a while we didn't know what to say to each other. For once since our radical friendship, Jacob seemed to be at a loss for words. I made no attempt to help the situation either because as much as I enjoyed the scenery, I was still at odds with the fact that I was there with Jacob and that it felt like a trick. I was pretty sure he knew I would have rejected the idea had he spelled it out properly to me beforehand. In addition to which the rock we sat on was hard and bumpy and I had to readjust myself quite a few times.

"It really is good," I said to Jacob after I had bitten into the first of my lunch. A few children screamed delightedly as they ran by and I remembered that it was summer vacation.

"I told you," he smiled and even_ he_ looked far off in thought and not his usual bouncy self anymore. The strain between us was evident and he ended up trying to fill the emptiness between us with a host of little noises and odd tasks, like opening the soda cans, or crumpling his bag then reopening it…clearing his throat….

I almost said '_Stop fidgeting,_' like Edward would, but then the lump in my throat materialized and I almost choked on it.

"I'm not trying to make a move on you, you know," he said out of nowhere and I almost dropped the fish in my hands.

From the corner of my eye I could see that he was looking at my profile so I tried to keep my eyes averted toward the water, squinting against the glare of the light dancing off the ripples, like little diamond cuts, casting slivers of silver everywhere.

"You've been giving me the cold shoulder ever since you realized you were coming down here."

"I'm sorry," I said and dropped my eyes to the grease ridden bag in my hands. "But I'm uncomfortable."

"Why are you uncomfortable? Have I stepped out of line with you?"

"No."

"Then what's the problem? You act like hanging out with me is criminal or something."

I sighed and shook my head as a gust of wind lifted my hair off my shoulders and spilled it everywhere around my face. After getting most of it back in place I turned to him to find him staring a little too intently at me, and observing the way I touched my hair.

"That," I said and he blinked.

"What?"

"That right there. The way you're looking at me right now. That's what makes me uncomfortable."

"Bella…I…."

"You said you wanted to be friends but I can't help but feel that you want…more somehow."

"How is that possible Bella," he squirmed on the rock. "You have a boyfriend."

"I know, but if I didn't, would you be interested in me? Because if the answer to that is yes, it means you're also interested in me now and the only thing that's holding you off is the fact that I have a boyfriend. And then that just makes things…weird and odd."

He shook his head and smiled, but it wasn't his playful friendly smile. It was cynical and harsh.

"What does it matter what I say anyway," he grunted. "You seemed to already have your mind up made up about me."

"Then answer something else."

"What."

"When you said you wanted to distract me, what did you mean?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"When you called me last week to offer me this job, you said that I could do with the distraction. What are you trying to distract me from?"

He pulled his eyebrows together and bit down on his jaw.

"From your depression. What did you think I meant?"

I swallowed and looked back toward the water. "I don't know. I'm not sure."

"I think that you think I'm trying to move in on you while Edward is away."

"The thought crossed my mind yes," I answered.

He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his shirt pocket then and lit one and I had to turn my face away from the imagery and the memory of it. He pulled hard and when he exhaled, the scent of the smoke raised my pores.

"Look Bella, I won't lie to you," he said. "I enjoy your company and yes, perhaps on some level I may be interested in you but I never intending on crossing a line and I definitely don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. So if you think this is a bad idea, just tell me."

I stared at the cigarette in his hand like an entranced idiot for a few seconds until the most devilish idea occurred to me.

"Show me how to do that," I said. He looked at me and blew a line of smoke out threw his mouth then frowned. He stared at me for a god awful long time before a small smile played at the end of his lips, then he raised his eyebrows in question.

"You want me to show you how to smoke?"

"Please."

"Why?" He laughed. I shook my head and thought about how it could be step one of my _freak Edward out so he would lose his shit and come home_ plan.

"I have my reasons," I answered. One of which was the fact that I refused to let the smell of a cigarette haunt and torment me any longer. I had to get it out of my system, so essentially it would be killing two birds with one stone.

"Bella, you don't smoke."

"Look are you going show me or not?"

He pulled on it again then turned away to exhale. After another second of consideration, he handed it to me and shook his head.

"This is wrong," he chuckled. "Usually peer pressure is supposed to work the other way around."

I put the cigarette between my lips and pulled on it gently. Of course I ended up choking and gagging and gasping for air and Jacob had to end up patting my back.

"It takes some getting used to," he smiled in complete amusement. "Try again."

I tried like three of four times after that and the same thing happened every time.

"God! How do you people do that?!" I shrieked. "It's awful!"

"It's different for everybody, but eventually your lungs get accustomed to it. Why on earth do you want to try smoking Bella?"

"Why do _you_ smoke?"

"Because I was corrupted in college, but no one is trying to corrupt you here."

"I said, I have my reasons."

Then his eyes softened on my face and he sighed.

"Edward smokes doesn't he?" He asked.

I looked away wistfully and gulped again. "So?"

"It's not going to make you feel closer to him Bella. It will just clog your lungs and stain your teeth."

"I'm not doing it to feel closer to him and please let's change the topic."

"Fine," he said. "I'll change it then. I think you're putting way too much thought into your friendship. I think you should just hang loose and allow yourself to be happy and stop torturing yourself anytime something good happens to you."

"What?"

"You did the same thing when you were separated from your father. You plugged yourself into depression and refused to get out because you thought that it was unfair to him that you were happy. And I can put my head on a block that you fought your relationship with Edward at first."

"Jacob….you are way out of l…"

"Answer me," he demanded all serious and stern like. "You wanted me to answer questions, now you answer some. Did you allow your relationship with Edward to happen naturally? Or did you torment yourself with all the reasons why you shouldn't be with him….like what you're doing to our friendship now?"

I dropped the bag and soda can in the sand and folded my arms and legs, then turned my face away from him stubbornly.

"Your stubborn body language is already giving me the answer Bella, whether you say it or not."

"If I fought the start of my relationship at first it was not because I didn't think I should be happy, it was for many other reasons and he fought it too."

"You convinced yourself that it was for other reasons, but really the underlying reason was that you couldn't be happy because Charlie was unhappy and you thought it was unfair that you should move on with your life. At least it was _one_ of the reasons anyway and probably the most fundamental one."

"How dare you Jacob," I seethed, though I still couldn't look at him.

"The truth is a bitch, so call me a bitch because I'm in the business of the truth."

"Then you're a bitch."

"Great, so some more truth then…."

"Shut up Jacob."

"I will when I'm finished. You've fallen into the same pattern in your separation anxiety from Edward."

"I said shut up…."

"You think that because he's not here and because he's unhappy or frustrated somewhere else for your cause that you shouldn't be allowed to be happy or enjoy your life back here, so you're over analyzing our friendship and trying to find all sorts of reasons why we shouldn't be friends, so you would have a reason to bail on me."

"You promised me that you wouldn't do this…"

"Yes but guess what," he said and stood up. "I really do care about you and I actually give a shit about the way you feel and what you do to yourself. So forgive me if try to force some enlightenment into your head."

"All you're doing is pissing me off though."

"Because you're too stubborn for your own good. You're the one who's pissing yourself off, not me, and I think you know that."

"I hate you!" I screamed as I shot up off the rock.

"Yeah?! Well I_ love_ you!" He bit back at me and immediately as he said it he blanched, then took two steps back and turned his face away. "Fuck."

My voice got strangled in my throat then and I fell back down onto the hard rock in shock. I stared up at him in mute alarm, not knowing the first thing to say or if saying anything at all made sense.

"_Fuck_," he said again, then kicked a foot load of sand away from him.

The breeze lifted my hair again and I grabbed at it in frustration then wrapped it all in a bun at the nape of my neck to avoid any further disturbances.

"I'm sorry," he muttered with his eyes held steadfast on the water. "I shouldn't have said that."

I shook my head and swallowed, took a few deep breaths, then found the nerve to speak.

"It's ok," I said sheepishly with a wildly pounding heart. I wasn't sure if it pounded because I was nervous, afraid or flattered by his accidental blunder. "Um….don't apologize….you uh…hmmm."

"Yeah I know," he shrugged and shoved his hands into his pockets with a deflating sigh.

"Jake," I began. "I don't know what to say."

"Nothing," he said and I saw that his jaw was popping and flinching as he bit down on it. "Don't say anything. I'm a fool. I should take you back now."

"Take me home."

The ride back to Forks was painful. It was the first time Jacob and I hated being around each other as well as I knew it was essentially the end of our friendship. He would never be able to look at me and feign playful casualness anymore, nor would he be able to get me to do things with him under the platonic guise of friendship. If Jacob was in love with me, we would have to sever our ties because it would have been unfair to him to string him along knowing that I could never feel the same way about him. He may have even tried to deny it, but eventually, he would get hurt, especially when Edward returned. I also didn't want to feel like I was betraying Edward by being friends with an incredibly attractive older man, knowing that he was in love with me especially because I was as vulnerable as I was. A mistake could have very easily been made with Jacob and I would have hated myself for all eternity afterward if I had lost Edward because of it.

Saying goodbye to Jacob was painful. He knew what it meant and I could see that he was beating himself up for being careless. I knew we would see each other around because Forks was just too small a town to seriously avoid anyone, but it still felt like I was losing something that I had grown very fond of and it hurt. Jacob was nothing but wonderful to me and I really hated the fact that things were as complicated as they were.

He hugged me at my front door and I let him hold me for as long as he wanted to because it would be the last hug he could give me. He was strong and his embrace was warm and he smelled good, though not as good as Edward. I felt his sadness, his affliction, his rebellion and his anger in his arms and I took all of it quietly.

"I guess this means that you quit," he said when he let go.

"Why'd you have to go and do that?" I shook my head at him. "I'm stubborn but we could have been friends. Why'd you have to go and fall in love with me? I don't even get it. I'm introverted, awkward, plain, moody and s…."

He put a finger to my lips and hushed me.

"The fact that you don't get it makes me love you even more."

"Jake…." I complained with thousands of apologies in my eyes.

"It's ok Bella," he smiled. "I'm a big boy and every once in a while we need to be pulled back down to earth right?"

I swallowed a lump. Good God, I wanted to cry.

"I don't want to lose you though," I pleaded. "But I have to."

"He's very lucky," he said in a deep voice. "And I'll make sure to be right in his face if ever he does anything to hurt you. You can count on that."

I nodded at him, on the verge of tears as I started unlocking the door, desperate for the solace and the privacy on the other side of it.

"I'll see you around Bella," he said as I retreated into the house.

"Bye Jake," I choked out and closed the door quickly.

A salty tear ran down either cheek as I made my way toward the kitchen to look at him drive away through the window, and when he did, more tears came.

"God Edward," I gasped and clutched onto my chest. "Please. _Please_, just come home!"


	50. Chapter 50 Like solitary confinement

I've tried to answer the questions from the last few chaps as best as I could. Keep the reviews coming. They are wildly entertaining and quite constructive.

This chapter is insanely intense. I'd use the bathroom now and hydrate myself before reading if I were you…lmao! Wouldn't want any distractions while you're in the middle of this drama.

Happy reading

**Chapter 50**

**Like solitary confinement with the likes of a mad man (EPOV)**

* * *

**Stubborn** – unreasonably and obstructively unyielding; bullheaded; difficult to remove or deal with.

**Stupid** – regarded as showing a lack of intelligence, perception, or common sense; irritatingly silly or time-wasting; insensible; dull.

**Selfish** – concerned with your own interests while ignoring those of others.

**Charlie** – an unreasonably, bullheaded, irritating, time-wasting and unintelligent moron concerned with his own interests while ignoring those of others.

* * *

It wasn't like I hadn't expected him to be difficult but I figured that if I forced him to dry out for a couple of weeks or so and got him thinking with a sober head, he would see the sense in what I was saying. But too much time had passed and Charlie Swan was still as obstinate as a mule, refusing to cooperate on the grounds that he was being held against his will. Yet still, he never tried to escape. I tested him all the time to see if he would try. I untied his hands sometimes so that he could take himself to the bathroom etc and move around the room as he liked. I watched him like a hawk, bracing myself for any signs of rebellion or attempted escape that I might have had to block but he never tried to escape. The only reason I kept him tied to the bed when I did was to avoid us getting into a fight because his tantrums were nasty and potentially dangerous for Bella.

The second he heard Bella's name on the first day, he lost most of the fight in him. It was like he got winded or some shit and he just sat there and stared at me like a dumb ass in shock.

"Bella?" He had asked after a long bout of silence. "What the fuck are you talking about? What does Bella have to do with any of this? How do you know her?"

"She has everything to do with this," I retorted. He had twisted his neck around and scanned the inside of the room again, shifting his eyes over everything, the window, the door to the bathroom, the closed closet doors, the floor, the second bed…..as if he thought she was hiding in the room somewhere and expected her to jump out at any second and scream "Boo!"

"Are you gonna tell me what this is about?" He grunted and I could tell that the morphine was doing a number on him, because his eyes started to roll into the back of his head and his entire body relaxed.

"You're not going to be any fucking use to me like this, not for another few hours," I said to him. "Sleep. When you get up we'll talk."

He slept right through the rest of the afternoon and the whole night as well. I watched him sleep and I poked him a couple of times to make sure that he was still breathing, then I tied his feet together by his ankles with the tail end of the sheet that bound his hands. I searched through his pockets next and confiscated his phone and anything else that could be used as a weapon against me and because his deep sleep was probably my only opportunity to get stuff in place for the next few days of isolation with him, I stepped out for a short while and got myself organized. I went down to the front desk and made sure that my bill was in order and left strict orders that no one was to disturb us or try to clean the room while I was in there. I even paid extra to keep the cleaning staff at bay and said I will clean on my own.

I made my rounds around the city in agitated haste afterward, stocking up on snacks, soft drinks, cigarettes and toiletries for at least two weeks. The room had a small refrigerator and I took full advantage of its storage capacity. Any additional food would have to be delivered to our door. I wanted absolutely no reason to leave that room after that first night.

I made it back to the motel in 45 minutes and my nerves were completely shot and twisted by the time I returned. I unlocked the door and rushed in, half expecting that he had escaped somehow but I relaxed immediately on spotting his still, lifeless form on the bed in the very same position I had left him in.

That Morphine was a strong motherfucker.

After popping a few cold pieces of cheese into my mouth, I settled into the chair wedged against the locked door, facing the inside of the room and tried to catch a few hours of sleep.

The first conversation with him the day after, about my purpose in Florida, was agonizing. He woke up in the shittiest of moods, groggy and craving a drink and when he realized he wouldn't be having any, he recoiled into his unyielding shell and refused to talk for a long while. That's when I untied his hands and feet so that he could get off the bed and go clean himself up in the bathroom.

I threw him a couple of deli sandwiches that I'd bought the night before once he emerged from the bathroom and returned to the bed. It didn't surprise me when he shoved them away and refused to eat.

"You're such an insufferable imbecile," I grunted at him as I bit into my own deli cheese paste sandwich.

"Say what you like," he retorted. "I don't fucking trust you. What if you drug me again, and besides, you still haven't told me who the fuck you are."

"My name is Edward Cullen," I answered him. "And I'm Bella's boyfriend. That's who I am."

His face froze into a distorted mask of shock, all opened jaw and shit. I waited for him to digest the news, realizing that it would be another _long_ fucking day. I also realized that my name would have struck another chord in him because I had given my name to the doctors at the hospital while he was in there. He must have known by then, the name of the person who took him to the hospital the night he tried to kill himself, waited all week but never came in to visit him.

He narrowed his eyes at me and repositioned himself into a seated position on the bed.

"Bella has a boyfriend?" He chuckled and then he scanned me from head to toe with his eyes. I didn't answer him, I just looked at him observe me and allowed him to process it.

"Ok so fine," he sneered. "Bella has a fucking boyfriend, but what the fuck do you want with me? Wait….Edward….. You're the one from the hospital."

"Yes."

"You found me in my apartment and took me to the hospital," he said it more like a statement.

"Yes."

His expression changed then and he went from being shocked and confused to being completely irrational and pig headed.

"What the fuck did you do _that_ for?!"

"_Excuse_ me?" I gaped at him and dropped my jaw. Apparently there was no limit to the levels of his asininity.

"What is it you want?" He shrugged. "A fucking thank you?"

I had to bite down on the inside of my mouth and breathe very deeply in order to smother my aggravation with him. It wasn't worth it to lose my temper and fly out of control because I wasn't just dealing with him, I was dealing with Bella as well. I ignored his attempt at insulting me and after another few minutes of fetid tension between us, he spoke.

"Bella's boyfriend….," he said again as if saying it to himself enough would make it more believable.

"That's putting it mildly," I bit out at him, chugging the rest of my sandwich onto the coffee table a few feet away from me. My appetite was cut. He stared at me, tracing the length of me from head to toe again. Fuck, he did that a lot.

"You're lying," he said eventually with a sarcastic scoff and I had to arch an eyebrow at him.

"_Lying_?"

"Bella would have told me if she had a boyfriend. She tells me everything. Are you some kind of sick fuck who's trying to get my daughter through me?"

I almost darted across the room and welded the back of his head to the wall when he said that. How dare he flaunt his misconstrued closeness to her in front of me? He really didn't know the devil he was playing with. I knew more than he thought I did - everything about their connection; and I thought it was the most vile, sickening thing I had ever witnessed because it was _nothing_ like the way she and I were connected…._nothing_. He didn't take care of her, he didn't worry about her or look out for her the way he should nor did he love her the way she deserved. He wasn't careful or responsible enough to be blessed with a gift like hers. He was reckless and stupid and selfish and just plain fucked up.

He was Charlie.

I clenched my fists at my sides and swallowed my contentious rage, battling between the clashing forces of wanting to attack him but wanting to protect Bella at the same time.

"On the contrary," I seethed. "It seems she _hasn't_ told you everything. I am who I say I am."

"Oh yeah? Then what would she think about her little boyfriend if she knew what he was up to right now? Kidnapping and assaulting her father? Bella would have a fit if she kn…."

"Shut the_ fuck_ up," I pointed an accusing finger at him and shot up from the chair. Every time he referred to her in that way; as if he shared something special with her, as if their relationship was so great, as if he deserved the right to be loved by her, flaunting her devotion to him in front of my face like that, it made me feel like crawling up the walls in demented insanity. I was far past jealousy by that point. Jealousy wasn't a strong enough word for it anymore. I downright rebuked even the slightest possibility of them sharing anything special with each other from there on out. There was no way I could or would allow it. I didn't even think it was humanly possible for me to entertain the possibility of it anymore. She was not to waste herself on the fecal scum that he was and I would make sure of that. I didn't care who the fuck he was or what percentage of his fucked up ass was running through her blood. It was over.

He huffed out a short, humorless laugh and shook his head.

"She knows everything you asshole," I snapped at him, forcing myself to stay on point and not move an inch closer to him. "She knows that I'm here and she knows why and she knows that I have you detained and that I plan on stopping you. Whether or not she agrees with any of it right now doesn't matter. It's for her own good and I will see to it that she is helped, even if I have to_ force_ you to cooperate."

"Stop me?" He raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "From what exactly?"

"Stop you from _what_? _Un_-fucking-believable! Let's see shall we?" I held up my fingers for him to see as I counted my various points.

"Stop you from killing yourself for one. Stop you from drinking yourself into a fucked up stupor everyday which by the way you're fucking allergic to, you dense asshole. Stop you from shoving coke up your fucking snout, stop you from getting killed by drug lords and getting yourself into trouble repeatedly like a fucking child….because you know what asshole?! You hurt her every time you get smashed and you know you do, but not for nothing would you _fucking_ stop!!"

He jumped up to his feet in a sudden rush of anger and tried to lunge at me from over the bed. Thank God he got his foot tangled in the same sheet I had just freed him from and fell over face first onto the bed. By the time he tried to get back up, I had jumped onto his back and had managed to pin him face down under my weight. I grabbed his wrists again and tied them together behind him with a much less attractive knot than the first one due to his wriggling and writhing. When I had him tied, I pulled his shoulders back harshly so that his head was forced upright and I bent over to sneer into his ear.

"_Don't_ make me hurt you motherfucker," I cut through clenched teeth. "There is _nothing_ I want more than to break every_ fucking_ bone in your booze sodden, wretched body, but I can't! _Fuck_!" I shoved his face hard into the mattress before getting off of him. Again I had to put as much distance between us as I could for fear that I wasn't strong enough to control my impulses.

"You have _no_ fucking idea what you're talking about," Charlie snapped, rolling over onto his back and pulling his body up into an upright position. I had walked back around to my chair by the door and sat. His back was to me as he sat on the opposite side of his bed.

"I know exactly what I'm talking about," I said to the back of his head. "I know all of it."

"You think you know shit, but you don't," he said. "Don't come down here with all your prissy, pretty boy antics and think you can speech me off about my fucking life? Who the fuck do you think you are?! You're a fucking child to me!"

He turned his body to the side and twisted his neck around to face me. His eyes were filled with contentious hatred, though it would never match of the raw and unleashed intensity in mine. I folded my arms across my chest and sat back to listen to his sorry attempt at explaining himself.

"You think you know about me because of something Bella told you, but unless you walk in my fucking shoes Mr., you better keep your fucking mouth shut because you don't know the first fucking thing about what my life is like."

"Don't try that victim shit with me," I leaned over. "You're her _father_. The fucking sun rises and sets on you for her, not that I get it, but all that girl ever does is worry and care about you and this is how you repay her? By victimizing yourself? By killing yourself? By putting her in danger every fucking day with all the shit that you do?! She sacrifices her own happiness because of this curse between you two and instead of embracing it, you fucking spit on it everyday!"

"You shut your mouth!" Charlie yelled. "You arrogant fucking prick!""

"You don't deserve her."

"You don't _know_ her," was his rebuttal.

"I know her a whole lot better than you ever will."

"Yeah? You think you know, huh? You think you know what it's like to be loved like that? To the point where it follows you wherever you go and through whatever you do? It _IS_ a fucking curse and I don't like it any more than you do!"

I leaned forward further and narrowed my eyes menacingly at him, wishing that I could scorch his eyeballs out with the fire I felt burning behind my skull.

"I know _exactly_ what it feels like to be loved like that you _fucker_," I sneered. "But _I_ love her enough to take care of myself and see to it that she isn't hurt just because I might be fucked in the head."

He flung his body around clumsily then, pinned his eyebrows together in a death grip and opened his mouth to respond but had lost his voice. He took on the full force of the glare I directed at him and held it, meeting it with his own version of contempt then his face transformed as he read my eyes and something like shock mixed with disgust flashed through his.

"That's right," I nodded at him insolently. "I _do_ know what it's like."

"You can….?" He stopped and almost dented his forehead with his frown. "You and Bella?"

"Bella and I," I acknowledged smugly.

His shoulders dropped and he did that thing where he looked at me up and down with scrutiny in his eyes, locking my image into his head.

"How the fuck did _that_ happen?" He asked.

"I don't know," I answered, pushing my hair out of my eyes as I sat back. "But I sure as hell don't abuse it like you do."

"Fucking _shit_," Charlie swore, turning his face away to stare at the wall. "The girl is…..she's.....what the fuck is _wrong_ with her?"

"Hey!!" I barked at him, making him look at me again. "That's Bella you're talking about and whereas you may have renounced your right to her love, she's still the girl _I_ love and you will _NOT_ refer to her like that. You're every bit as loathsome as I thought you'd be, but at least now I get it."

His disposition got very quiet after that and he turned his face away again, but this time he stared at the floor with his hands still tied behind his back trying to absorb all the shit and shock into his fried brain.

I _did_ get it. I finally understood why Bella had such a hard time letting go. It was because she didn't know the truth about Charlie. She still thought he was the person she left behind during the divorce, the hurt and wounded good father she felt guilty for leaving behind. I had no doubt that he was probably a decent guy once upon a time, before all the shit hit the fan, but the person sitting in front of me that day was not that person anymore. Just listening to the way he referred to her alone was an indication of the way he had rotted inside. She was a burden to him and it was obvious that he as trying to escape her and rid himself of the cross of being connected to her like he was. And even though there were moments when his conscience crept back into his psyche, like the few times he called her after something happened to him to see if she was alright, for the most part, he was completely self absorbed and preoccupied with the way everything affected _him_.

He didn't say anything significant to me after that for about two weeks. Italked a lot but I can't say that he listened, though I knew he heard. He ate very little and only because it was a basic necessity of life. There were times when I untied him because I just couldn't leave him tied up all the fucking time. He needed to use the bathroom and stuff and when he decided to eat, he needed his hands. But I almost always had to tie him up again because his moods switched so suddenly and frequently from one extreme to the next and it was the only way to avoid the occurrence of an unfortunate incident. One minute he was forlorn and depressed and the next he was cussing and threatening to kill me if I didn't get him a fucking swig of whiskey.

Every night I tied one of his wrists to the iron bed post after he fell off to sleep, just in case, and that always pissed him off really badly when he awoke the next morning to find that he couldn't get off the bed. The first two weeks were touch and go and there was never a dull fucking moment and every time he freaked out, he vomited right after. He caught me the first time with that shit and because I didn't want any maids coming to the room, I had to clean it up myself. I shoved him into the shower and threw the sheets out into the corridor with a hundred dollar bill on top.

I moved Charlie to the second bed after that, since I slept in the chair anyway and I was getting pretty fucking good at that sleeping upright shit. I positioned the bin from the bathroom at the side of his bed as well, so that every time he threw a tantrum I was waiting with it, ready to bury his face inside the bin at the first sign of heaving.

I figured he was going through withdrawal from the drugs and alcohol, but most of it seemed psychological rather than physical. And though it was repulsive and highly irritating, there were times when it just scared the fucking shit right out of me because I never knew what to. There were even a few times when I thought I might need to rush him back to the hospital because things had gotten _that _out of hand.

Thank God for Carlisle's calming influence on the other end of the line. Charlie also had a lot of nightmares at first and he shook violently while he slept. Sometimes he screamed out and there was one night I even thought I heard him crying, though I couldn't see from where I sat in my chair and I didn't want to either. He was always tired and drifting off to sleep and when he was awake and not throwing a temper tantrum, he just sat in silence and stared off into space. There were times he acted oddly terrified of me, like when I paced the floor in irritation, suffering from my own version of withdrawal, from Bella, going out of my fucking mind in my need to see her face, or touch her skin, or smell her neck and worrying if she'd ever let me do any of it again. Charlie hated it when I paced. It made him jumpy and nervous and the sound of the bathroom door closing on my way out always made him jump.

His strange behavior bothered me to no end and I called Carlisle every night after Charlie fell asleep to ask him about it.

Carlisle confirmed that they were symptoms of withdrawal and that I needed to stay close to him at all times, especially when he appeared to be depressed and downtrodden. Those moments were apparently the most rock bottom, desperate and dangerous ones for addicts and the ones where suicide was the most sought after method of escape.

It took about two fucking weeks of up and down, roller coaster, pull my hair out kind of behavior from Charlie without so much as a single proper conversation between us. Most of our dialogue was one sided, but at least he was getting some color back in his face and he looked a hell of a lot more mentally present than he had when he came out of the hospital.

It was early one morning in the week after my two week guesstimate, when I opened my eyes after a night of restless sleep.

"What exactly is your plan here?" He asked from his bed. I pulled my body up straight and raked my fingers through my hair and realized that he had been watching me sleep, waiting for me to wake so that he could talk. One of his wrists was tied to the bed post still.

"Getting you to rehab," I answered. He scoffed and turned his face up toward the ceiling.

"No fucking way," he said.

"Well you have a choice," I stood up to go to the bathroom. "Either you go to rehab and get better, or you live with me out of a motel room for the rest of your life."

"It'll never work," he scoffed, pulling at the knot that bound his wrist to the iron post. "Don't you have a life to get back to? You're just a kid. Where the fuck are your parents? Aren't you in school? What about Bella? You can't pull this off. You're bluffing."

"Try me," I shot back at him and went in to use the bathroom. When I came back out I stood over him as I closed the button on my jeans.

"They all know me," I said down to him in a matter of fact tone. "No one expects me to give up, not even Bella and that's why she'll probably hate me by the time this is over, but that was the risk I took to come down here and get you. I'll do anything to make sure you never hurt that girl again, including facing the possibility of losing her over it. And if I can do_ that_, I can more than bind myself to you for all eternity until you wake the fuck up and give a real shit about yourself. Piece of _fucking_ cake. Just you watch."

He dropped his head back onto the pillow and stared up at the ceiling. He said nothing more for the rest of the day.

That night he threw another tantrum. At first he tried pleading with me. He begged for a drink, just one and he promised that he wouldn't ask for another one ever, ever again, bargaining like a four year old after a piece of candy, and when I refused to give him the drink he tripped out. It was the ripping sound of the bed sheet around his wrist that triggered my decision to give him the second shot of morphine I had. He had gotten so loud that I had to shove the other end of the sheet into his mouth, and when I saw that he was successfully tearing himself out of the knot with his violent seizure, I filled the second needle with the drug and shot it right into his arm. He was out in two minutes flat.

I took that opportunity to duck out on another grocery run and pay my fees down at the front desk.

By then I was sure that I was the weird guy from 18 with a personality complex, shacked up with his deranged, sick father. It was great to be in a cheap motel where the staff was accustomed to suspicious clients because as long as I dished out the cash with some extra on the top, they asked no questions and stayed away from the room.

On my supply run I stopped in a book store and bought a book and a few DVDs to pass the time. Once I was confident that I had enough food and stuff for another two weeks, I returned to the room to a blissfully passed out Charlie. Of course he ignored me again for a day or two after that because he was pissed that I had stuck him with the needle again, though I knew from just looking at him that it was the best night's rest he had had since the first time I stuck him and it was apparent that he felt the same way. I was sure that he would start begging me to put him to sleep like that once he got his fucked up pride out of the way, but thankfully I had given him my last dose of Morphine and had no more to tempt him with.

I wasn't sure how many weeks had passed since I left Forks, but it felt like a lifetime and I missed my girl so goddamned much that I had turned into the worst version of myself. I was perpetually pissed off, withdrawn, emotional, tense, crabby and so fucking horny every time I dreamt about her that I wasn't so sure I could stick to my initial plan of leaving her chaste if I ever got close to her again. My dreams grew more and more erotic, not to mention draining. I started losing track of the days and even though I wore my wrist watch, the time didn't help me get a grip on any thing that happened out of the confines of that room.

Charlie had taken up the childish game of who could go the longest without talking or who could out stare the other…or who could out live the other in that decrepit lifestyle. I just knew he was trying to break me, trying to push me to the limit, wear me out and see how long I could go before I gave up and left him alone to return to Forks. And the longer he remained quiet, the more impatient I grew and as if he could sense me reaching the edge of my sanity, he grew more and more complacent with the situation and even dared to egg me on.

Bella responded to my text messages once in a while, but not with the vivacity that I had hoped for. I knew she preferred that I called her, but with the way I was feeling, the sound of her sweet voice was sure to be the final push over the edge of the precipitous cliff on which my sanity balanced. I sent her one of my regular texts one of those days and she responded to me. I had been in and out of sleep the whole day and when I opened my eyes again for about the fourth time and found that Charlie was also sleeping, I relaxed for some phone love with her.

'_What R U doing right now?_'

'_Using those keys U left me_.'

That response stunned for me for a little bit. It seemed like a lifetime ago when I sat in my bedroom and put the two little keys into her envelope with the most dreadful of feelings tearing at my heart. I knew I was about to leave her and I knew it would be one of the hardest decisions I would ever make in my life. However, since I'd left and since getting caught up in the whole putrid lifestyle that was Charlie, I had long since forgotten about those keys and about what it meant when I had given them to her. As I sat there in my chair, I closed my eyes and tried to picture her in either of the two rooms, but it was useless because I myself hadn't been in either one of them for so many years and I didn't know where to place anything in my head. I wished that I was there with her and even though entering those spaces was once the hardest thing for me to do, as I sat there in that motel room looking at the sleeping form of her father, I wasn't so sure anymore. I was pretty certain that everything I had gone through since parting ways with Bella more than topped the nightmares of visiting the memories of my dead brother and mother. Something in me grew the fuck up down in Florida and I knew that I would be a different person by the time it was all over, and hopefully that new person would be strong enough to grab my demons by their proverbial horns and drag them down to the ground murderously.

I responded to her message.

'_Really? Wow. How's that going?_'

'_Interesting,_' she replied immediately after.

To which I sent, '_Ok, I guess_.'

She clearly wasn't divulging any information on her experiences in the rooms and I knew she wasn't a fan of the texting thing, so I decided to leave her alone for the day. I shoved my cell back into my pocket and got up to go poke Charlie just to make sure he was alive, when my cell buzzed in my pocket again. I scurried with my fingers to get to the phone and then read her next message.

'_Thank U_,' was all it said. I frowned down at the phone in genuine bewilderment, wondering what she thought she needed to thank me for; and when I responded in question to it, she sent the dearest response to me, something that I hadn't expected her to say so soon or at all, and something that readily saved the dying spirit inside of me.

'_All of it & 4 everything, but most of all 4 loving me enough to not hurt him.'_

It made me smile and the way my heart leapt, both hurt and woke me up at the same time. I hit her button on speed dial without a second thought about my erroneous battle of whether or not I was strong enough to hear her voice. I was so madly in need of her that I skipped over all that and gave in.

"Edward," she answered and I closed my eyes and exhaled at the sound of my name on her lips.

"You have no idea how you've just made my day," I answered.

"Have I?"

"Yes. You just managed the impossible and made me smile."

"I did?" She sounded self conscious and edgy, like she didn't know how to react to me or the shock that I had actually called. It reminded me of how she responded to me when we first started talking and how I had to fight tooth and nail to get her to speak at all.

"You're not saying much," I smiled into the phone and I turned my back on Charlie's sleeping form, so that I didn't wake him.

"Oh, she said breathily. "I um….Hello. I can't believe you called."

I just knew she was blushing and being all shy and shit and I knew that if I could see her right then, her cheeks would be red and she'd be trying to hide behind that thick veil of hair.

"Bella Swan, are you blushing to talk to me?"

And her response to that confirmed it.

"Me_?_ Blush?" She was always trying to pretend like she was a lot less affected than she really was, but forget all that, I was just so fucking elated that she didn't sound angry with me.

"I think you _are_ blushing and I love it. You are unfairly adorable when you blush."

I raked my fingers through my hair and took a deep breath, wondering what the fuck I would do with myself for the rest of the day after this. Everything would just suck like ass afterward…even more so than it already did.

"What are you doing now?" She asked.

"Thinking about you."

The next thing I heard was something crashing on her end and it startled me.

"What was that?" I asked. I glanced at Charlie again. He still hadn't moved.

"Um…. gosh. I uh…. I'm such a clutz. I just knocked over something that broke. God, the mess. I have to clean this quickly."

"What is it? Are you hurt?"

"No I'm not hurt, but I narrowly escaped a nasty cut."

"Bella," I sighed. She was always getting herself into some kind of trouble. "Are you sure you're ok?"

"I'm fine. Sorry to cut our conversation short but…"

She sounded distant and awkward and something didn't feel right. It sounded like she was trying to say good bye without having to say goodbye. The distress in her voice raised my pores and made me uncomfortable, but at least this time she didn't cry. I told her I missed her and that she didn't need to thank me for anything because I loved her and when she choked out an "Ok", and I realized that she was trying not to cry, I knew she had started to feel the way I felt about hearing her voice. Talking to me was tormenting her too. She asked me to come home again and that was my signal to wrap the conversation up, because again, I couldn't make that promise to her, not until I had that ass bag on the bed behind me all sorted out. We said an emotional 'I love you' to each other and then she hung up.

I listened to the empty line for a while and stared at the wall in front of my face, searching for the inner strength to press on when Charlie's voice cut through my trance and made me whip my body around to face him.

"Go back to her," he said. All I could do was stare down at him with despondency in my eyes.

"You're not so tough when you're talking to _her_ are you marvel boy?" He said.

"That's because she's not a self absorbed junkie who's trying to kill the person I love," I retorted, and made my way into the bathroom.

When I came back out he was sitting with his legs hanging over the side of the bed and his wrist tied to the bed post.

"I need to piss," he said. I untied him roughly and let him go to the bathroom. I realized that I was hungry then so I dialed the number of the closest pizzeria to the motel, Papa John's, and resumed my position on my chair and made the order. When he came out of the bathroom he shuffled over to a chair by the small two-seater table in the corner of the room and sat with his side profile to me.

"I could really use a fucking drink right now," he grunted sourly. I ignored him and picked up the book I had bought off the floor and started reading. I had lost all sense of time. I couldn't tell if I had bought the book two days ago, a week ago or longer. Time had become irrelevant. The only version of time that mattered anymore was the day and night and the time I'd be on a plane on my way back to Bella, with Charlie in tow on his way to rehab somewhere.

Something remarkably sensible occurred to me just then and the idea made me jump off my chair and pace the room up and down as I focused on my thoughts.

"I hate it when you do that fucking shit," Charlie grunted. I ignored him and continued my pacing, calculating all the reasons why my idea was perfect and all the reasons why I knew it would work.

"Would you stop doing that?" Charlie complained again.

"Would you give me a fucking break?" I lashed out at him. "I'm thinking."

He rolled his eyes and scratched his head. "I'm hungry."

"You're like a fucking child you know that? It's always something with you."

"You know," he said. "For someone so young, you cuss an awful lot. What does Bella have to say about that?"

I stopped my pacing and turned on him. "You'll never get me to talk about her and me, so don't even try. And you're one to talk, you swear just as much as I do."

"I'm grown."

"Oh really?" I widened my eyes and raised my eyebrows in mock amusement. "Is that why you have the mental capacity of an infant? Self absorbed, moody, temperamental, stubborn, whiny, need someone to take care of you……"

"Fuck you," he snapped.

"I thought so," I nodded. "Now sit tight. I ordered us a pizza."

"What's on the pizza?"

Was he for real? He was really gnawing on my last nerve. I glared at him and resumed my pacing, trying to block him out.

"Hey," he tried to get my attention, but I continued to pace and think.

"_Hey_!! I'm talkin' to you!" He barked at me again. I stopped and looked over at him impatiently. He was serious and his face took on a sort of agonized, concentrated look. He held my stare purposely and swallowed.

"I might be self absorbed and a junkie and all those other things you just said….but I would _never_ hurt her intentionally and I would never _ever_, try to kill her like you implied earlier. She assured me that she was safe beyond a certain point in our…thing. She promised me that if anything….fatal…" He cleared his throat, "….ever happened to me that it wouldn't reach her."

Something tightened around my throat when he said that and I thought I saw his eyes fill with water. I took two long, _very _slow strides toward him and clenched my fists at my sides.

"You fool," I shook my head contemptuously at him. He really was as stupid as I thought he was, either that, or he was crippled by an innate spell of ignorance.

"She almost _died,_ the day you went into Anaphylactic Shock. I don't care _what_ she says about only the _impression_ of pain transferring from you to her and not the actual damage, bla, bla, fucking bla. It is a lot more dangerous than she let on and even _she_ is only now starting to realize it. I am _convinced_ that she can and will die if you do something stupid…like killing your _fucking_ self for instance. _You _don't see her when it happens. You're nowhere around! _I've _seen it and I've held her pale, lifeless body in my arms one too many times because of your carelessness. I've seen the way she buckles under the weight ofyour pain, and the fright in her eyes that she tries to contain. I've seen her cry because she's tormented by her love for you and for the way she hurts because you obviously don't feel the same way about her. I've seen her eyes roll into the back of her head, seen her stop breathing for minutes on end; been there to watch my father give her mouth to mouth resuscitation for fear that she would suffer brain fucking damage from the lack of oxygen to her brain. And _you_ wanna tell _me _that the _damage doesn't transfer_? You wanna tell me that this fucking shit isn't dangerous enough to kill her? And even if she doesn't die physically Charlie, you're still fucking up her mind! So don't sit there and tell me that she's _safe_. She's not!"

He turned his face away and stared at the wall, then after a while of silence he scraped his chair back against the floor, walked into the bathroom and tried to shut the door behind him.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I demanded, shoving my arm into the space between the door and the frame so that he couldn't close it.

"Let me piss in peace," he grunted.

"You just went, don't insult my fucking intelligence and I told you already, this door never closes. If you have to piss, piss with it open like I do. You're only allowed to close it on your way _out_," I ordered and hauled the door back open. "You're all depressed and shit. I'm not letting you out of my sight."

"Let go of the door," he resisted.

"You want me to tie you to the bed again?"

"What the fuck do you think I'm gonna do? Hang myself with the shower curtain?!"

"_Fuck_ yes!" I yelled at him.

"From where?!" He yelled back and pointed to the ceiling, then pushed the door out against me and stormed over to the bed. The fact that he knew there was no way to suspend himself from the bathroom ceiling showed that he had observed it.

"This is so fucked up," he mumbled.

"That's the first sensible thing you've said the entire time we've been here," I shot back.

"You're gonna hate it you know," he said to me once I started pacing the floor again. I tried to ignore his nagging. Fuck. He went from one extreme to the next…like _all the time_.

"You like it now because you don't know what it's really like, being connected to her in that way. It makes you feel like the_ man_ doesn't it? Makes you feel cool that you got your woman _that_ hooked on you? Makes you feel like a shiny fucking…."

"I'm warning you Charlie," I sneered through clenched teeth as I paced.

"One day you'll wake up. One day it'll hit you smack dead in your pretty face and you'll realize that your life isn't yours anymore and you'll detest the burden of having it follow you around like a fucking snake just waiting to constrict your….."

I dove onto the bed without a moment's hesitation and grabbed him by his throat and rammed him hard into the iron post of the bed head. He widened his eyes in shock and grabbed at my wrists, trembling under the pure, vile intention of my hands to strangle him to death. It took me only a second to realize that I was the one trembling. I trembled so badly that I had to bite down on my jaw until my temples started to pop from the tension. I tried to pull myself off him, tried so hard to see Bella and to summon some measure of calm from her image, to smother the licking flames that scourged through every cell in my body, but the smug look on his face that replaced his shock drove me further and I very nearly sunk my teeth into his face, wanting to bite his smug look right off and release some of the pressure twitching in my jaw. What he said next saved me.

"You can't touch me," he said and I felt his body relax completely underneath me. He raised his eyebrows haughtily and even dared to smile, then he let go of my wrists and dropped his arms at his sides. "Because if you do, she'll feel it. I can see it in your eyes marvel boy. You're battling with it right now. You want to kill me, you want to smack the shit right out of me, but you're afraid to hurt her. Tsk tsk tsk. That must suck."

I opened my mouth and belted out the most bloodcurdling scream into his face until every once of air was emptied from my lungs, leaving me gasping for air. The sound of it shocked even me. He flinched backward and tried to get away from me and when I wouldn't budge he closed his eyes and looked like he started to pray or something, though I seriously doubted that. At least I managed to wipe that smirk off his face.

"Get off me you crazy fuck," he grunted.

"Push me off," I growled as my fingers dared to tighten around his throat.

"What?!"

"Push me off!!" I couldn't move. Every single muscle in my body was locked into primal readiness to attack. I just-could-not-move. If I had stayed there any longer I would have given into the innate predatory nature in me and strangled him; and fuck being locked up in prison for murder afterward. That part was easy. The unlivable part would have been hurting Bella with my own hands.

"What the fuck's the matter with you?!" He bawled into my face. "What do you _mean_ push you off?!"

"PUSH-ME-_OOFFFF_!!"

And then he did it. He raised his knees under me and shoved me up and back so hard that I went tumbling onto the floor at the foot of the bed. I scampered and shot up to my feet in an instant, never feeling the blow of the fall because my adrenaline was so pumped. Just then there was a knock at the door and both Charlie and I jumped simultaneously and whipped our heads toward the sound. I thought that someone probably heard us screaming at each other and called the cops or something. I nervously ran my fingers through my hair and hurried to the door and almost laughed when I realized it was just the pizza delivery guy.

"Keep the change," I grunted after I paid him and slammed the door in his face.

Charlie was still on the bed, looking at me with crazed like eyes like he had just seen the devil. I walked across his line of vision and dumped the pizza box on the table then returned to the door and repositioned my chair firmly behind it. I sat rigidly and started digging my finger nails into the hair at my temples, trying to temper my nerves and anxiety levels back down to normalcy. It took a few minutes, but with closed eyes, many deep breaths and centering thoughts of Bella, I was able to do it. When I opened my eyes again Charlie was at the table eating. I glared at him from where I sat, wondering if I could do it, wondering if I possessed the strength to keep my hands off him for as long as we were together and right then I remembered Bella's message to me earlier that same day…..

'…_..thank you….for loving me enough to not hurt him,' _and with that memory, I buckled over and smothered my face into my forearms, fighting back the tears of frustration that wanted to come. Again, I went through the arduous battle of self control, hating to have to cry in front of Charlie. Thankfully I was able to block the tears though with grave difficulty.

After I had calmed down, I made my way over to the table and grabbed two slices of pizza out of the box. We ate in silence, him over by the table and me in my chair. When we were done, I settled in with my book, eager to lose myself in someone else's life but I was too distracted and the pressure of that day had been too much. I needed a physical release, badly.

I waited anxiously for him to fall asleep, observing him like a hawk as he watched one of the DVD movies I had bought with the book. I watched as his eyes got heavier and when he had finally fallen asleep I waited some more. My patience wore thin, so after only ten minutes I went over to him and poked him to see if he was deep under. He didn't respond, so I tied his left wrist to the bed post because the night before I had tied his right. I interchanged his wrists every night, not wanting him to get sore from tying the same hand all the time. He always fell asleep really quickly and quite deeply as of late, and Carlisle had said that fatigue was one of the symptoms of an alcoholic's withdrawal. That symptom had to be my favorite. It was the only one that shut him up and made it easy for me to detain him.

Once I had him properly secured with a good scout's knot, I went to take a shower with the door open and did what I had to do. I pumped and whacked the fucking sweet juice out of myself and groaned in pleasure as I thought about holding her and unleashing all my pent up energy inside of her. I dropped my head back under the running water and enjoyed the sensation of it washing over me, imagining her flushed cheeks from our frictional heat together and the heavy, hooded look she would have in her gazing eyes. I came easily with the imagery and nearly collapsed with the release. I stifled my climatic groan so Charlie wouldn't wake and when it was over, I felt a hell of a lot better. Every ounce of tension drained out of me after that and I felt my entire body relax.

I ate the last two slices of pizza afterward, brushed my teeth, gave Carlisle a quick phone call, then settled into my chair with a pillow and my coat thrown over me, and allowed myself to fall into a rare and dreamless sleep.


	51. Chapter 51 The First Glimpse of Light

Don't worry, Edward won't be away much longer. But if the story was to be realistic, he'd have to go through everything that he is going through right now with Charlie and his presence with Bella would have to be terribly missed.

Special acknowledgement to teambella23 for being a great support for Conflicted and for helping me out with new readers ;)

**Chapter 51**

**The First Glimpse of Light (EPOV)**

The days and nights came and went and more often than not they culminated into one massive blur; and though the atmosphere between Charlie and me got progressively more contentious, we grew begrudgingly tolerant of each other over time. We were like two grumpy old men, both in severe need of proper grooming, alternative human contact, and sunlight. For the most part, Charlie's symptoms of withdrawal had decreased and he wasn't as jumpy or anxious anymore, however he made up for it with his acerbic crabbiness. We both slept too much, ate terribly and it seemed like he had made the decision to ignore his personal hygiene completely. I swore he started doing things just to test my limit, to see if he could drive me away with his caveman tendencies and get me to give up on my 'plan'; and though at times the temptation soared way beyond my human limit, a quick phone call to Carlisle usually helped and calmed me down.

After days of working through my new idea and building up the courage to approach Carlisle with it, I called him to talk because he was the only one who could sanction it.

"How's Bella?" I asked him one night after Charlie was asleep. It was the question I asked every time I called and I always got the same mundane response that she was fine, but this time something in his voice triggered a red flag in my mind and I knew better than to ignore it. I glanced at my watch absently and saw that it was 8:15 pm.

"She's coping," he answered. "What about you?"

"Forget about me," I countered, sensing his attempt to change the topic. "Tell me about Bella. What do mean by _'she's coping?' _"

"Edward," he said. "You ought to call her more often than you do. I'm not comfortable being the intermediary between the two of you."

"Do we have to get into that again?" I complained. "I already explained about that."

He sighed. He did that a lot lately, and I knew he was nearing impatience with the length of time I stayed away but it wasn't something I couldn't help him with and he knew he couldn't change my mind either, so he didn't try.

"Dad, please," I pleaded. "What is it?"

"I think you and Bella need to work on your communication if you're going to be down there in Florida. She's going through separation anxiety and the lack of communication is making it worse."

"Geez, why do you always have to talk in parables? Just tell me what the hell is going on."

"It's not that simple," he answered. I fidgeted in my chair and glanced at Charlie's sleeping form. He tossed a lot that night and it agitated me. I didn't like him overhearing any conversation I had either _with_ or _about_ Bella, so I got off the chair and removed it from behind the door then stepped out onto the corridor, making sure to close the door again behind me. I hadn't been outside in days, weeks maybe and even though I kept the two windows in the room open all the time, the actual fresh air that filled my lungs was appreciated. In that moment I thought about letting Charlie outside for a while, because I knew that being cooped up like he was wasn't healthy, but then I also figured that he was accustomed to most forms of _unhealthy _anyway, and the situation with me was way better than what I had initially found him in, so I refocused my attention on Carlisle.

"It's not like there's some_-thing_ in particular," he said. "It's more like a host of things that are all too complicated to get into over the phone."

"Get into it Carlisle," I grunted. "I have time, and you're not at the hospital right now. You can't just say stuff like that to me then drop it and expect me to be ok."

He paused so long that I had to start pacing up and down in front of my door just to split my focus toward something other than his voice.

"I think she's trying to get your attention," he finally said and I frowned as I stopped and held on to the banister with my free hand.

"What do you mean?"

"Exactly how much contact have you had with her Edward?"

"I've called her twice since I left, and I send her text messages everyday. Why?"

"Has she said anything to you about…..well, anything about herself and what she's been doing?"

"Not really. I guess there's not much you can say in a text," I ran my fingers through my hair impatiently. "Why? Out with it Dad. I'm about to jump off the second floor of this fucking place."

"Calm down."

I rolled my eyes and tightened my fingers around my roots. He was always telling me to fucking calm down.

"I'm listening," I grunted.

"She's been acting out in strange ways," he went on. "So that she can get our attention, more specifically _yours._ I think she's trying to get me to complain to you."

"She's trying to get my attention," I said to myself. "What's she been doing exactly?"

"I'd rather you have this conversation with her Edward. How about you call her and let her know I've opened up the can of worms so now you can talk and…."

"Carlisle please," I pleaded. "Bella and I….we're…I really don't want to have to argue with her while I'm down here and I'm one hundred percent positive that she feels the same way. Every time we've talked it's like…we can't, and we stumble around each other and avoid difficult shit. Things are really fragile right now, so please, stop torturing me and just tell me what's going on."

"Christ," he grunted. "Edward, do you need me to come down there and help?"

"Why the hell would I want that?!"

"Are you making any progress with Charlie?"

"You know exactly where I'm at with Charlie."

"Maybe I can help."

"Help me how? There's nothing you can do to help. If he so much as senses someone else about to get involved in this, any progress I might have made so far would have been shot straight to hell. He's not just stubborn; he's as hard as a fucking rock, singlehandedly the most destructively resilient fucker I've ever known. No. You'll only make it worse. He won't talk to you. He won't budge. And why are you changing the topic again?"

"Things are starting to change at home, in ways I didn't expect. Esme's about to go out of her mind….again, trying to cope with Alice's daily tantrums and now with Bella's behavior……"

"Tell me about Bella's behavior. The rest I don't really care about," I interrupted him. "What the fuck is going on? And why do I feel like this is something you should have told me before tonight?"

"Watch your language with me, and the reason I didn't say anything sooner is because I didn't want to make things harder for you."

"Things can't get much worse dad. Please, tell me."

He sighed again.

"Well, for starters, she's adopted your habit of smoking," he droned tiredly. "And she makes sure to do it in front of Esme and me."

"What the fuck?!" I cussed. "What the hell is she thinking?"

"She's trying to send you a message and I'm sure that's why she does it so blatantly in my face. She wants me to tell you."

I was never the type to judge people for their choices in life, because I wasn't in the habit of caring enough to notice for one, and two, I wasn't exactly judge worthy, not after the shit I'd been guilty of. However, when he told me that Bella had started smoking, I hated it immediately. I was a smoker myself and I was certain that had my mother and brother still been alive, I'd have never picked up the habit. Smoking had started off as a distraction, then it developed into a coping mechanism and before long, I couldn't live without the shit and the cold in Forks gave me a good excuse. Had Bella been a smoker when I met her, I would not have given it a second thought, but the fact that she was doing it to get my attention bothered me and I didn't want to be the one responsible for her habit. Not to mention, the image of Bella with a cigarette in hand was way too paradoxical for it to be acceptable.

"What makes you think she wants you to tell me about it?" I asked Carlisle.

"Because she keeps asking if I've told you about it yet and yesterday when I told her no, she lit up another one right there in front of me."

"What else?" I asked, because I could hear in Carlisle's voice that there was more.

"Well…..nothing we can't handle really….

"Carlisle."

"God," he deflated himself with a deep sigh. "Edward, she got into a pretty bad fight this week."

"A _what?_!"

"For the second time."

"Carlisle what the_ fuck_ are you telling me?! Who did she get into a fight with?"

"The same person both times….a girl from school. I believe the name is Victoria."

I almost broke off a piece of the banister in my hand. I hadn't even thought about Victoria the entire time I'd been in Florida. I was so preoccupied with keeping her out of danger from Charlie that I failed to think about the danger she'd be in with other obvious bitches.

"Wait a minute….you said there were two times?" I said.

"Yes," Carlisle groaned dolefully. "This time was worse than the first time."

"When was the first time?" My voice started doing strange pitchy things.

"The same week you left, six weeks ago."

Was it only six weeks? Shit. It felt like six months.

"Where?"

"In school. They were both suspended for a week after that."

"_Bella got suspended for fighting?!" _I shrieked.

"Yes."

"How the fuck do I _not know_ about this? Why didn't you tell me?!" I was so angry that I thought my insides might crystallize from the bolt that struck through me. "Dad?!"

"I told you Edward. I didn't want to upset you. You have enough to deal with down there as it is, plus, I really think this is something Bella should be telling you."

"Un-fucking-believable," I growled, grabbing the banister again. "I warned that bitch Victoria! I warned her to stay away from Bella. I threatened her and she stopped for a while….but she took advantage of the fact that I'm not around. She'll be so fucking sorry when I get back. I can m…"

"Actually Edward," Carlisle interjected. "It was _Bella_ who started both fights. No one took advantage of her."

My mouth fell open in a strangled cry and I went rigid as I froze in shock. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't say a thing. I just stared over the banister of the second floor of the motel, stunned and agonized by what I had heard and completely incapable of picturing Bella as the aggressor in a fight.

"Like I said," Carlisle said. "She's been trying to get your attention."

I started my pacing again, glancing at the closed door to my room every time I walked passed it.

"I don't know what to say," I exhaled, but no shred of my stress escaped with the air. I looked up to the sky desperately, feeling just as torn as ever between my purpose in Florida and my need to return to Bella, and what I had learned that night made everything on her side of the scale heavier.

"Listen to me Edward," Carlisle spoke up with more vigor. "The fact that she's doing these things intentionally convinces me that she's in no real danger. She's only looking for your attention. Once she makes her point and gets what she wants, I'm confident that she'll revert to her own self. You need not worry. We all know that this behavior is very unlike her, and even _she_ seems uncomfortable with herself. It can't last. "

"See that's the thing," I complained. "You say that once she gets what she wants she'll be over it, but what she wants is complicated. She wants me to come home and I'm not sure that I can just yet."

"What happens if you never get through to Charlie, Edward?" He asked me. "If he's as stubborn as you say he is, he's never going to back down. Maybe you can't achieve what you want. Maybe it's not possible with him. How much longer can you stay locked up with him like that? It's unhealthy."

"It's the healthiest thing _he's_ done in God only knows how long, and at least he's fucking clean."

"But what about you Edward?"

"What about me?"

"What about your life? What about school? Your family?"

"I made a decision dad," I answered hastily. "I have to stick to it. I can't fail at this. If I do, I'll lose everything. If I win, at least I would have secured Bella's well being, even if things never go back to normal between us. In any case I have an idea and it's why I called."

"What sort of idea?"

I opened the door silently and peeked inside to check on Charlie. He was still asleep. I closed the door again and sighed.

"I have a plan for the warehouse," I said cautiously.

"The ware….?" Carlisle's voice trailed off. He never spoke about that place, nor did he ever visit it and I knew he tried to ignore it because of all the sentimentalism it held.

He wore a mask of aristocratic calm everyday, of polished charisma and pristine class. And while he _was_ innately all of those things topped with the perfect measure of control and superior coping capabilities, I knew that he suffered deep inside and I knew that he stifled it all thinking that no one could see. But I knew him better than anyone else knew him, even Esme I suspected, and he couldn't hide from me.

I expected my proposition would give him some trouble but I hoped against all odds that he would be able to see past the initial struggle and find something promising in the possibilities my idea could offer. And because I understood how horrifying it was to face your demons and conquer them, I didn't intend on forcing or 'guilting' him into agreeing with my idea. I planned on saying it once to him and only once and if he couldn't handle it, then I would leave him alone. The warehouse was to Carlisle what the nursery and Marcus' bedroom was to me….the line that we had to cross if we were to be healed. And even though the idea of healing seemed like a pretty great fucking idea, naturally, we expected it to get worse before it got better and the '_worse'_ part was scary enough to keep us firmly planted on our side of the line.

But I had taken my first step closer to that line when I had given Bella the keys, because loving her made me ready for anything; and now it was his turn to take a step, and what I was about to offer him was the chance to at least try.

"You're awfully quiet dad," I said into the silence on the line.

"I'm still here," he responded huskily.

"Is it ok to continue?"

"I'm listening."

"Before I ask," I swallowed. "I want to let you know that this is the only time we ever have to talk about this and unless you want to, I won't bring it up again."

"I'm listening Edward."

"Ok. Here goes. I was thinking about turning the Warehouse into a rehab facility, so that Charlie could come back with me to Forks and he could be our first patient."

Silence.

"Um…" I continued. "It seemed like a good idea, because well….with him being close to home, we could all keep an eye on him and well….and as much as I hate this part….he'll be close to Bella. She explained to me once that the connection to him gets worse the further away he is, because she worries and focuses more on him. I can't say that I understand it, but I thought that maybe, if he's closer….it might weaken their connection. And the facility shouldn't take that long to start up. You know doctors from all over the US and the world. Most of whom are dying for the opportunity to work with you. I'm sure you can work it out in next to no time at all."

More silence.

"Carlisle?......Dad are you there?"

"I understand why you think this will help Bella," he said. "But how do you intend on persuading Charlie?"

"I think I'm starting to figure him out. The major reason for his depression and his downward spiral was his disconnection from his family. And I _think _that one of the reasons he tried to kill himself…." I let out a despondent sigh. "….well it was kind of like, his own twisted way of trying to stop himself from hurting Bella."

"How can you be sure?"

"I'm not sure. I said I think. He hates their connection and he hates himself for hurting her every time he gets into trouble and because psychologically he's too weak to stop himself….I think he figured that the only way to stop….was physically."

Silence again. So I went on.

"Maybe, if I can offer him another chance to make things right, not just with her, but with Alice too, he might consider it. I don't know. He tries really hard to pretend like he doesn't care about any of it and that it's all about him escaping them, but nobody who hurts _that_ much is completely cold. And it's so obvious that he's always hurting. He's pretty fucking mashed up about it, so I have to believe that he loves them and he wants to be a part of their lives. Don't get me wrong here. I still think he's loathsome and that it would require the most thick skinned, hard headed doctors you could find to even scratch the surface with Charlie, but it has to be possible."

"Edward," Carlisle spoke after another long spell of silence. "I think it's brilliant."

That was the first glimpse of light inside of that never ending, gruesome tunnel and I groped onto it with every shred of hope inside of me.

"Really?!" I almost laughed. My chest felt as if a huge clamp had opened and the pressure started alleviate. "You mean it?!"

"It would take a lot of hard work and tons of research, but it's not impossible. It also won't be ready for a while. What's your plan for him until then?"

"That part I haven't figured out yet. I'm also worried about what will happen when Bella and I leave for college next year."

"A year is a long time. A lot of progress can be made with Charlie in a year. It sounds like the best option so far."

"When can we start?" I asked, feeling genuinely hopeful for the first time since everything happened.

"Well, I need to organize a few meetings first and try to get a board of investors. I'm also going to have to tender the project because constructors and national medical boards will have to get involved. But it's a great idea and it will even give Esme a new project. She can head the architectural and construction areas."

"That sounds like an awful lot," I complained, feeling my high drop a few notches. "I was hoping it wouldn't be so complicated. We need to get this off the floor asap."

"It is a lot, but all necessary if you want it to work."

"Can you average a time frame for me?"

"How about you work on Charlie on your end and let me work on this on my end. I'll be vigilant, I promise. I want this to end as much as you do."

The words 'Thank You' were too insufficient to honor the deep gratitude I felt for him then. It was just like the night we argued about my decision to leave Forks and go after Charlie. I had watched him work through his frustration, fright and denial, then put his own feelings aside for the sake of mine; and now this. He kept breaking his own record for compassion and my heart welled up with respect again.

"Dad," I said hoarsely.

"Edward."

"I know that wasn't easy for you to….

"You're welcome," he said. "Don't worry about it. It's about time anyway."

-------------------

I stared at Charlie as he slept, knowing that it wouldn't be as easy with him as it was with Carlisle. Carlisle had a heart, Charlie had a pebble in his chest and I doubted that it was even heart shaped. I knew he would be hard to get through to, but I had to hope that there was _some_ measure of truth in what I had said to Carlisle about Charlie actually caring about his family. And as I watched him twitch and toss on the bed, I thought about Bella. It was hard to think of her in a rebellious light. She was too discreet and she hated attention, so for her to get to the point of acting out blatantly and so publicly meant that she was getting desperate.

"I see you Bella," I whispered to myself as I closed my eyes in my chair. "I see you and I know you're trying to reach out to me. I'm trying to come home baby…I'm trying real fucking hard."

I jacked off that night again in the shower after tying Charlie's hand to the bed. It helped, but only fractionally. It was easy to release spurts of pent up physical tension using that method, but it was an inadequate means of dealing with anxiety. In fact, my anxiety about approaching Charlie with the plan worked real hard against my release and made it harder for me to peak that night. It took much longer than I cared to admit, but I persevered and worked through my shit like a determined motherfucker on an orgasmic mission. When I finally came, I exhaled sharply between the torrents of water that went from lukewarm to cold as it ran over my head and between my buckled shoulders. The water was uncomfortable, but the pleasure of my release was worth it.

I dried myself and put on my clothes when I got out. I had stopped wearing underwear a few days into my stint with Charlie since doing laundry wasn't exactly possible given our circumstances. Going commando was never a good idea back at home given the biting cold, but in Florida, it actually felt good. I made a mental note to buy new underwear for both Charlie and myself the next time I was able to get out. So far I had given him half of my clothes from my duffel bag and it seemed to satisfy him, though they were a little big on him. He was too thin and his eating habits left much to be desired; just like Bella.

I should have felt refreshed and rejuvenated after my bath except that the sight of a purposely unkempt Charlie slobbering all over the bed afterward irritated me. I untied his hand and shoved at his sleeping form to wake him up.

"What!" He growled at me.

"Go take a shower," I answered him. "You've been sleeping all day and I want to talk to you."

"Can it wait till tomorrow?" He complained.

"Yes it can, but that gives your daughter a few extra hours to do the next stupid thing and I'm tired of wasting time. Get up."

He frowned. "I'm not going to pretend like I know what you're talking about."

"Take a shower and we'll talk."

He observed his untied hand and shot me a glare, then sat upright.

"You're the worst fucking roommate of all time," he grunted, swinging his legs over to the side.

"I'm not your roommate," I countered. "Don't make this sound cozy."

"That's right, you're the kidnapper. I forgot." He dragged himself lazily to the bathroom and tried closing the door.

"Leave it open Charlie."

"Listen," he snapped and stuck his head out. "Either I close the fucking door to shower or you put up with my stench. I'm not bathing if I can't close the door. Choose."

"You don't get to play hard ball with me," I stormed over to the door. "I do everything in there with the fucking door open. I'm not taking any chances with you."

"I already pointed out to you that it's impossible to hang myself in here, plus the vent is the size of a milk carton, I won't be able to squeeze through."

"Granted," I sneered. "But I haven't ruled out the toilet bowl and you trying to drown yourself in it."

He widened his eyes, raised his eyebrows and almost laughed.

"You're even more twisted than I am," he chuckled. "I didn't even think about that."

"Leave the door open."

He cussed some more under his breath, but he obeyed then proceeded to take the longest shower he could possibly manage. By the time he emerged with a towel around his waist I was pacing up and down again, much to his discomfort. I never understood what the big fucking deal was with me pacing the floor.

"You and that shit again," he said. "Stop doing that."

I rolled my eyes and sat in my chair against the door and waited for him to get dressed. He did everything purposely slow, testing my patience as if he liked it when I exploded. But six weeks of practice did me well and I was able to sit in my chair quietly and look at him get ready at snail pace with a smirk on his face. He was as pale as a ghost with sunken in cheeks, permanent dark circles under his eyes and enough facial hair to rival the furriest grizzly bear in the Forks' forest.

"What are we eating?" He asked.

"What do you want?"

"Chinese."

I tossed my phone at him and let him make the order. He didn't do anything foolish. He just ordered the food and tossed the phone back at me.

Good boy.

"Now," I said to him. "We need to talk." He sat on the second chair by the small table and faced me with his arms folded across his chest.

"Whatever it is, the answer is no," he said.

"You don't even now what I'm going to say," I shot back at him.

"No but I know that look on your face. You're about to try to fool me with something, or try to convince me about some shit or the other. No."

"You're stubborn on purpose aren't you?" I bit out, feeling my irritation with him flicker to life.

He shrugged.

I shifted in my chair and went on regardless of what he said.

"Listen," I said. "I don't know all the details about your life in Phoenix and I don't know much about your divorce."

His eyes were dull and heavy.

"But I have a question for you."

He shrugged again.

"If you had another chance, would you take it?"

"Another chance at what exactly?" He frowned and slumped down further into his chair.

"To make things right with your daughters."

He pulled his brows together, then leaned forward and stared at me intensely.

"You think you're some kind of hero don't you?"

I arched an eyebrow at him.

"You come down here like some fucking knight in shining armor, thinking you can fix shit, save me and save the fucking day for everybody."

"Charlie…"

"There are some things that aren't fixable boy," he didn't let me talk. "And I can't be saved. Not even if I wanted to, could I fix this shit. Do you get that? Not you, not me, not anybody can fix it. What the fuck did you expect to happen here? When your pretty ass leaves and goes back to Forks, I still have to live in this shit. I still have to live this life and be fucking _me…_alone_._ You think keeping me locked up like a fucking jail rat for a few weeks and threatening me with your pussy boy antics and boyish green eyes is going to scare me into rehab? You think _this_ is bad?" He raised his hands and swept them through the air, motioning to the insides of the room.

"This is luxury! A fucking penthouse suite compared to where I've been. You think I'm still here because I can't fight _you_ the fuck off? You can't even fight me! Though I know you're begging to. You'd _have_ to let me walk right the fuck out of here if I pushed you hard enough because you don't want her to get hurt. I'm _letting_ you hold me marvel boy, not the other way around."

I straightened my posture and squared off with him visually, glare for glare.

"Why?" I shrugged. "If it's so easy for you to just push me over and walk out of here, why stay?"

"Because this is the best damned thing that's happened to me since I can't even remember when," he shrieked and stood out of his chair in a heated passion.

He shocked me with that comment and I blinked a couple of times stupidly.

"Free lodging and food. Look! Fucking DVDs too! Who the fuck would say no to that? So you're a pain in the ass. I'll take it."

Now _that_ pissed me off.

All this time he'd been taking advantage of the situation and getting fucking comfortable, while I was literally degenerating in his company and dying to get home.

"This is not a fucking vacation Charlie," I rose from my chair and pointed at him. "You're not supposed to be getting comfortable here! This is a matter of life or death."

"Whose life and whose death?" He cocked his chin to the side.

"_Bella's!_" I screamed.

A shadow fell over his face then and he looked away.

"Bella will be fine," he grunted. "She's always been fine and she's much better off without me in her life."

"Is that why you tried to kill yourself?" I asked.

He kept his eyes averted from mine, but I saw him flinch.

"I won't talk about it," he muttered.

"You don't have to talk about it. Just answer the question. Did you try to kill yourself because you think she's better off without you?"

He still didn't answer but I saw the affirmation in the pain that twisted his features.

"There are some things that cannot be fixed," he said again.

"So because you think you can't fix it…you just allow it to get worse, and contribute to it worsening," I said to him. "I'm not asking you to try to fix anything Charlie, I'm asking you to try to start over."

He found my eyes again and distorted his expression into disgust.

"Where the fuck do you get off? You don't think I've _tried_ to start over? Not that you give a shit but it's a lot easier said than done. I know what you arrogant assholes think, sitting on your lofty perches over there in Forks_, _looking down on me and talking about the fucking mess that I am and how I've screwed shit up. Why don't_ you_ fucking try it?"

"You're always the victim aren't you?" I snapped at him. "And for your information, we don't sit around talking about _your_ grummy ass. You're the one that keeps putting yourself in the spotlight and drawing attention to yourself every time Bella gets hurt. Nobody would give a shit about what you do if you took care of yourself and kept her out of trouble."

"Are you hearing yourself?" He cried out. "I shouldn't have to do that! I shouldn't have to be responsible for keeping her out of trouble."

"No! But you are!" I yelled at him.

"Whatever," he grunted and fell back into the chair.

We were going nowhere fast. He was an impenetrable shell of a man and I didn't know how to break through. Threatening wouldn't work. We were long past that stage. He knew I couldn't touch him because of Bella and he used that to his advantage. The only thing left to do was appeal to his good nature and whatever part of a conscience he had left in him.

"Look," I tried to start over, taking my seat as well. "I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but I think I know one of the reasons why trying to start over would have been so difficult for you the first time."

He rolled his eyes at me. "What are you some kind of therapist? I don't appreciate you trying to analyze me. I'm not your subject."

I ignored him, because he would never let me get it out if I kept responding to his rebuttals.

"I think that you suffered because you didn't have a support system."

He shrugged and feigned boredom.

"That's not past tense boy," he responded nonchalantly. "I_ still_ don't have a support system, but I'm not complaining. People will do what the fuck they want to. Makes no sense me hurting my head over it. What's your point?"

"You _will _have a support system where I'm thinking about."

He scoffed and threw his hands up in the air.

"You're not getting it. I don't want a support system you little prick. I didn't want you to save my life, I didn't want your help in the first place and I don't want it now."

Again, I ignored him and pushed through.

"There's a rehab facility being worked on in Forks," I pressed. "If you come back to Forks with me, you can be near Bella and Alice, and you'll have family. Bella will love the idea of having you around. It will be a start."

He shot up off his chair in a fury and pointed a berating finger at me.

"Back off," he trembled. His eyes were dark and menacing. "I told you…you can't fix this."

"I can't, but _you _can."

"No-I-CAN'T!" He growled. "What makes you think they're gonna _want_ me around? Bella isn't the only person to consider here. You're foolish! I haven't spoken to Alice since the day she left Phoenix and Esme hates my fucking guts. Family?! Ha!"

"I think you're wrong."

"What?!"

"I think Alice is hurt and angry. She doesn't hate you."

"Oh! Hurt! Angry! _Ok_!" He dramatized the words with theatrical shoulder movements. "That's all, right?"

"I'm certain that if Alice and Esme see you trying to help yourself, they would come around. I know for a fact that it's what Esme wants."

"Fuck Esme and what _she_ wants," he bit out. "She's already gotten everything she could get from me. I'm done giving her anything more. I don't have nothin' else to give."

He dropped his weight back into the chair and bent over with his elbows resting on his thighs.

"Ok so forget about Esme. I think that being closer to Bella would help with the physical connection part that you hate so much," I continued.

He raised his body and locked eyes with me.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"It gets worse for her with distance. The further away you are, the more sensitive she is to you. I thought you knew that."

He looked up at the ceiling and shrugged.

"She might have said something once, but she says lots of shit to get her way."

"I think being physically closer to her can desensitize the connection. She won't worry as much if she can be with you and that way….if it helps, you can actually get a chance of living free of it…to some extent at least."

He actually seemed to be considering that last point. His eyes stared off into space for a while and though I felt a jolt of hope pull at me, I tried to remain composed.

"Think about it," I went on. "Do you remember it being this bad between the two of when you lived in the same house?"

He glanced at me, then looked away again, thinking. I went on.

"She told me that it only happened a couple of times or so between you two, in all her life before she moved to Forks. It started getting worse when she got to Forks and then when you moved to Florida, things hit rock bottom."

He creased his brow and folded his arms.

"Maybe she ought to be the one trying to fix this instead of me…seeing that she's the one making it happen."

"She's your daughter and I'm not buying this tough guy act when it comes to her. I know close you were to her…it wasn't always a one way street. In fact, if it was, she wouldn't be as connected to you as she is."

He sighed and closed his eyes. After a long pause, I swallowed and took a risk with my next point.

"Killing yourself isn't the way to heal her Charlie," I said. "That will only hurt her."

And that's when I saw it; the wholesome pain that he hid all this time behind a barrage of asshole tactics and detestable behavior; the last piece of conscience he had left in him. All he was, was a severely damaged, self loathing man with very low self esteem. He really _was _a victim of his own self imposed circumstances and most of his vile behavior was a result of impaired judgment and the effects of the beatings he repeatedly gave himself. But most of all, he was in emotional pain and if there was one thing I understood in the world, it was pain. I also appreciated that he thought he needed to defile himself to asshole status as a coping mechanism because it took the focus off what was going on inside. I did the same thing.

"I really think that trying rehab in Forks would help both you and Bella, and it might free you of the synergic connection. You'll get better and stand a much better chance of having Alice in your life again too if she saw you trying to make amends. I don't care what you say Charlie Swan. You can't prefer _this_ existence to a chance at a life with you daughters again. Stop punishing yourself for what's already in the past."

He scraped the chair back against the floor and walked away into the bathroom. He didn't try to close the door this time.

I rested my head back against the door and sighed emphatically. I don't know what he did in there, but he didn't come out for a long time. I trained my ears for any sound coming from the bathroom, listening for any sign that he might be trying to hurt himself but there was nothing but silence. I didn't want to invade his space right then, he looked like he needed to be alone with his thoughts and the bathroom was the only place inside that motel room that would allow it. I pulled out my cell phone and sent Bella a text message in the meantime.

'_I know what you're doing and I understand. Please be patient. I think I'm making progress. I love you.'_

I closed my eyes and waited for Charlie to come out and it started to feel like it was all I ever did as of late. Everything I did in Florida revolved around waiting for him. First, I had waited for him to get out of the hospital, then I waited for the first signs that he was coherent enough to talk and listen; then I waited for him to go through withdrawal, then I waited for him to conceptualize my reason for being in his face and now I was waiting for him to wake up and face the fact that he really _did_ have the power and the answer to change his life and Bella's, and that he didn't have to be the unfortunate victim all the time. That one I knew was a tall order and one I certainly couldn't help him with. He would actually have to start believing in himself…by himself.

Finally he came out of the bathroom again, just when there was a knock at the door. The vibration behind my head startled me and I shot up and swung around to face it.

"That's our dinner," Charlie said. I observed him silently as I moved the chair to open the door. He was quiet and remote as he took the chair at the table again. Sure enough it was the delivery guy with the food, so I paid him quickly and locked the door again. We ate in silence as we often did, harboring on our own individual thoughts, probably equal in weight. We didn't say anything else to each other for the rest of the night and though I felt like probing him some more with my idea, I didn't want to push him too far and undo whatever progress I might have made. He was like a brittle and fragile fragment of glass on which I had to thread lightly.

How things had changed.

At first I was all over him and always in his face like a maniac on speed, but now it was different and if I really wanted to achieve anything I had set out to accomplish, if I really wanted to make the trip worth it for Bella, and convince Charlie give in to me, I would have to switch our roles, humble and die to myself. I would have to make Charlie Swan, the man.


	52. Chapter 52 As Easy as ABC

He's right around the corner. Do I smell a reunion? Will it happen the way you think? Happy reading!

**Chapter 52**

**As Easy as ABC** – Bella's POV to The First Glimpse of light.

That was it. I had officially fallen off the steep end and was about to tear everything in sight to frickin' shreds. I had found my peace with his reasons, I had accepted and swallowed his decision to leave, and I had come to terms with and even understood his entrapment of Charlie, but the one thing I could not stomach without the gravest amount of difficulty and buckets of agonizing tears was his goddamned, sneaky orgasms.

The first time was embarrassing, shocking and a little bit frightening. It rattled my self esteem and made me question his loyalty to me and even though deep down inside I knew better than to think Edward would cheat on me, there was only so much a girl with tested self esteem could take with thousands of miles driven between her and the object of her affection…..on minimal to no communication.

The second orgasm was just as embarrassing and scary as the first and thank goodness it happened at night after I was already in my bedroom. Just the thought of that happening to me in public….around people….I couldn't even think it. I refused to draw it to myself with even so much as a thought. He was just as quick the second time around, though it lacked nothing in intensity and it came out of nowhere. It was the night of the same day I had told Jacob we couldn't be friends anymore. I had just come out of the shower, still in my towel with flip flops on my feet and damp hair. I was battling with my guilt for having pushed Jacob away the way I did and especially because he was so goddamned nice about it.

The moment I dropped my towel to the floor and bent over to pull on my underwear, the warm sensation came on, holding me right where I had intended to cover myself with the cotton fabric, commanding my attention and sucking the breath clean out of my lungs.

"Oh no," I gasped. "No, not again."

I froze in that position like a rocket ready to launch, still bent over with my underwear held between my fingers halfway up my calves. I let go when the sensation came on in a heady heat and spread itself right across and up the outside of my core. His gap crept into my head and so did his balmy light, and with an agitated roll of my eyes and a muted cuss word, I bit into my bottom lip, jumped out of my underwear and ran to the door to lock it. I didn't even have enough time to make it back over to my bed. The calling was so exact and dead on target, right in the middle, smothering the apex between my legs. I let myself fall to the floor in a wave of disbelief and allowed myself to be overtaken by his spell. Just as stealthily as before, he claimed every point, hill and valley on and within me, leaving no nook unexplored by is light and no cranny untouched by his carnal energy. Without even realizing it, I had parted my legs, bare and exposed as I was on the floor to the inner walls of my room, and again I had to touch and hold myself with my fingers because the sensation was so real, so heated and so present that I dared not pretend like it wasn't happening.

I lost the desirable fight to his reign between my legs. He taunted and teased my most sensitive of nerve endings until they were flickering into ignition, making my clit swell and roar like a maddened little thing in a heated craze. I moaned with closed eyes and pressed the back of my damp head to my door as my fingers with minds of their own, slithered and pressed in feverish response to the things I felt his body do to mine. All the while and even amidst my obvious pleasure, I feared the end of it, because I knew that the end meant that I would lose him again and that he would disappear amongst my longing for his actual touch and the moistness in his unfettered kisses.

My nipples hardened as the perspiration that started popping out my pores met with the bare air in my room. My eyes flared open in automatic surrender as my hips rocked back and forth in coordination with the rapid and urgent movement of my moistened and slick fingertips. My eyebrows fused together and my breasts were jumping and dropping as I groaned and uttered too many incoherencies to count. I reeled off of his sexual drug and in the next second I was biting down hard on my lip as I felt myself climax, hoping to smother my cries on the inside, but realizing immediately that I couldn't. His orgasm centered itself between my legs and crashed through me, materializing in a sound so guttural it would have curled his toes had been there to hear it.

As soon as it was done I fell over and buckled in tears, feeling exposed and upset, but above all, alone. Even though his traversed orgasms were enigmatic and could probably rival the most ardent pleasures known to mankind, they left me feeling empty and lonelier when it was over because they emphasized his absence and widened the aching tomb in my chest. I pushed myself off the floor begrudgingly and hurried over to my strewn underwear. When the fabric touched my still quivering parts, I had to cup myself again and press upward in order to smother the tickling sensation that he had left behind.

It was time to start putting things in place to get him home. I didn't care how much trouble it caused. I was ready to deal with any and everything, as long as I got what I wanted and especially since I had realized very early on in the game that reasoning with him wasn't going to work. The orgasms were the last straw.

The very next morning, Saturday, I took the Porsche before Alice or Esme awoke and drove myself to the supermarket. I bought two packs of American Spirit and one pack of Marlboro 72's. I didn't know the first thing about how to buy cigarettes or about which brands were 'safer' than the rest, and Google offered no grand help either. Trying that method first only brought me face to face with a gross amount of information most of which all lead to the obvious conclusion that there was no such thing as a 'safe' cigarette. The scare tactics did nothing to thwart my mission however. I wanted cigarettes and I was going to get them whether or not I could find any literature to pacify my conscience. Late into Friday night I found the two brand names I chose and wrote them down.

I bought the three packets the next morning and was back home before Alice awoke though Esme was already in the kitchen making breakfast. She was surprised to see me walk in through the front door.

"Where'd you just come from? I didn't realize you were out," she said as she glanced toward the direction of the stairs.

"I ran down to Thriftway to get something real quick," I answered. It wasn't supposed to be a secret, I wanted her to know that I was smoking and I wanted her to freak out about it and go running to Carlisle and then I wanted them to reprimand me for it and complain to Edward. I knew Edward. It didn't matter how warped or corrupted he thought he was, he wouldn't like that I had started smoking. Not even if he fumed 3000 packs in a day would he like the idea of _me _doing it. It was just like him to be the epitome of something he hated and completely reject the idea of me becoming like him. He liked the whole innocent appeal I seemed to have and he tried way too diligently to keep me in tact. I didn't know if my plan would work at first, but at least it would get his attention back to Forks where it belonged, instead of wasting away in Florida with Charlie.

I accepted breakfast and kept the little black plastic bag near to me. I still had to learn how to smoke the bloody things before I exposed myself, and making a complete and unconvincing fool of myself was not part of the plan. Alice came down shortly after with her hair uncharacteristically stuck up in every possible direction. It was clear to me that morning that she would never be the type to suffer gracefully or silently under pressure. A few days of fighting with Esme and not getting her own way about college was already affecting her appearance. She looked harassed and bitchy all the time.

She poured a bowl of cereal sullenly and I watched her brood over the bowl like a forlorn chicken, picking and scratching at it, knowing full well that both Esme and I were staring at her. I almost leaned over and smacked her right across the face to wake her up. I appreciated her dismal outlook on her upcoming separation from Jasper, of course, but she really didn't realize how good she had it. She had two months to make full use of their time together, she would be seeing him twice a month, and she knew exactly what was going to happen and when. She certainly didn't have the shock factor to deal with, nor the unpleasantness of not knowing what was happening and how long it would take. She could mark their reunion down to a specific date and hour if she wanted to, unlike me who lived in agitated suspension.

* * *

I practiced my smoking for three days straight after that before I let anyone see because I had to make sure I was convincing enough for it to be a concern. Needless to say, I detested it and I mentally scolded Edward every time I choked to the point where I was sure I turned blue. It was a Tuesday evening when I finally stepped out of the smoky closet and was ready for my debut. I timed Carlisle's return home from work that day and finished up in the nursery. After one last check on the first 15 seedlings I had planted so far, I smiled and locked the door behind me. I had opted to go with seedlings instead of seeds thinking it would be an easier head start with plants that were already partially grown. It almost felt like cheating, but I was way too eager to see what the nursery would look like in bloom and I was not disappointed. The colors that started branching out before my eyes were breath taking and I had already made the decision to buy more with the allowance I had just gotten plus the money I had saved for the nursery. I even learned how to regulate the temperature in the room with the dial I found on the wall. Miraculously it still worked though the dial itself needed jimmying, and I made sure to buy plants and flowers that could survive under similar indoor conditions.

At six o'clock that day I made my way down to the outdoor front porch of the mansion with my cigarettes and lighter in hand and took a seat on one of the low wicker chairs facing the drive up to the house. Jasper and Emmett showed up first.

"Bellalita," Emmett grinned as he made his way up the stairs. "What're you doing out here all by yourself?"

"I came out for a smoke," I shrugged, trying _super_ hard to be cool and nonchalant about it, though I knew I sounded like an abysmal fraud. Jasper and Emmett exchanged an awkward glance with each other then Emmett elbowed Jasper with wide eyes.

"Dude, she's not lying," he laughed and pointed to the pack in my lap. "What the fuck Bellalita? You're serious! Ha, you couldn't smoke to save your life."

I arched an eyebrow at the unintentional irony in his statement then looked up at Jasper.

"You're serious?" Jasper asked.

"What's the big deal?" I shrugged. "You do it all the time."

"Yeah but…" Jasper raised an eyebrow. "_You _don't."

I pulled one of Marlboro's out of the pack and lit it with clumsy fingers. I could have done it better. I had practiced over and over, but being gaped at by the two of them made me all self conscious and rickety. I was able to pull myself together once I had it lit and after I inhaled the first time without gagging to death Emmett chuckled.

"Well _fuck _me," he braced his hands on his hips. Just then Rosalie's Mercedez pulled up and when I saw Alice in the front seat I tensed up immediately. I hadn't prepared myself for the attention I would get from everybody else that wasn't Esme or Carlisle and the moment Alice got out of the car and spotted me, I chickened out, threw the cigarette on the floor and crushed in under my foot.

"You just wasted a perfectly good cigarette," Jasper grumbled, looking down at my foot dismally.

"Isabella Swan!" Alice marched up onto the front porch. "Was that a cigarette I just saw in your mouth?"

"Don't get your panties in a bunch Alice," I grunted at her. She bent over to grab the pack out of my lap but I was quicker and she ended up grabbing my crotch instead, much to Emmett's delight. He was turning pink with giggles.

"So what, now you smoke?" She demanded as she folded her arms and I crossed my legs.

"Yes and no."

"What does that mean?" Rosalie asked with an amused expression. "It's either yes or no."

"Why do _you_ even care?" I raised an eyebrow at her.

"I don't," she scoffed and brushed past everyone then disappeared into the house with a chuckling Emmett right behind her; and then there were three.

"When did you start smoking?" Alice continued her interrogation.

"Saturday."

"Why?"

"I was bored."

"Then get a hobby!"

"Your boyfriend smokes," I responded calmly and she glanced at Jasper.

"That's different."

"How the hell is that different? You're being a hypocrite."

"It's different because he's a boy and boys are gross," she countered.

"Great," Jasper shrugged and shook his head. "Nice come back babe."

"Jasper," she hissed. "You're not helping."

"Whatever," he grumbled. "This isn't fun anymore. I'm going inside."

And then there were two.

"When I met Jasper he was already a smoker Bella," she continued. "So I can't stop him now, but why would_ you_ start smoking? And does mom know you smoke?"

"She will soon."

"What the hell is with you? Does this have something to do with Ed…," she stopped herself from saying his name and sighed.

"It's ok, you can say his name," I shrugged.

"I promised you I wouldn't."

"I'm over it."

"No you're not," she said. "I'm sure this has something to do with him."

"Maybe."

"What's your angle? You're trying to make a point, I know you. What is it?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"And_ I_ don't want you smoking but that doesn't mean you'll stop - does it? So spill."

"I don't know how to explain it. It's a long story."

"I have time."

"They're waiting on you inside."

"Bella."

"Look. I'm trying to get him to come home ok!"

"By smoking?"

"It sounds silly, I know."

She folded her arms and stared at me for a while. Carlisle pulled up right then and drove right past us, higher up toward the garage.

"Show time," I said and lit another one.

She opened her eyes like two wide saucers and dropped her jaw.

"Is this some kind of show for _Carlisle_?!"

I didn't answer. She ran to the edge of the steps and poked her head around the wide pillar to see if she could see him park his car, then she shuffled back to me and then she did it again, like an excited child about to explode from a bout of pent up, nervous energy.

"Will you calm down," I grunted as I exhaled a line of smoke. "You're making me nervous."

"Oh," she let out a short laugh. "_I'm_ making you nervous. You're out of your mind, officially. I can't believe you're going this far."

The sound of Carlisle's footsteps against the interlocking tiles on the walk way shut her up and she turned to face him anxiously as if she was the one being caught in the act.

"Alice," he acknowledged as he came up the front steps with his case in his hand, then his eyes flitted over to me and he froze.

"Bella…what are you…?"

"Hey," I nodded at him and uncrossed my legs. My heart was beating ridiculously hard and I felt very much like the ass I was making of myself.

He walked past Alice and came up right next to me with a distorted expression on his face while I did the best I could with the prop in my hand.

"Should I even ask," he said down to me.

"It relaxes me," I responded after I had exhaled a good long one. "I needed to be relaxed."

"Something tells me that nothing I say will make you put it away and rethink your decision."

"It's no big deal," I shrugged. "It's just a smoke."

"Right," he nodded, pulling his lips into a tight line. Without another word he went into the house and as soon as he disappeared I spat out the cigarette and crushed it under my foot. Alice shook her head then.

"You never fail to entertain me Bella."

-------------------

I made sure to be seen smoking everyday by either Esme or Carlisle; or both and as expected, Esme freaked out, yelled her pretty head off and '_put her foot down_.' I tried really hard to not to let it bother me because as tough as I tried to be, Esme's breakdowns always had a way of getting under my skin. I never finished an actually cigarette anyway. I only lit them and made to sure to be seen taking a few drags and once I got the reaction I wanted, I threw it away. I also made sure to ask Carlisle at every possible opportunity if he had told Edward about my smoking yet. The first two times he seemed surprised that I would even ask that but then he caught on and went back and forth between ignoring my question completely or answering me before I even had a chance to ask.

"No Bella, I haven't told him about your smoking," he would say, as if he was…..bored, with me.

I hated when he did that because then there was nothing left for me to say afterward. After a week or so of smoking and hating it, I started getting antsy and restless again, and so I decided to do something else to get their attention. Carlisle knew what I was doing. It was obvious, and he very rightly assumed that I was in no real danger of becoming addicted because I hated smoking and never lasted through an entire cigarette. So he started ignoring me again. Even Esme stopped arguing about it. Carlisle aggravated me with his perpetual calm and his lid screwed on so tightly….always knowing how to react to every single goddamned situation without losing a single frickin' strand of hair on his perfect head.

God!  
"No Bella. I haven't told Edward about your smoking." And then there was the…..

"Maybe _you_ ought to tell him since you're so concerned that he doesn't know."

Ugh! I-wanted-to-_scream_!

It was time for Plan B.

Emmett was the one who gave me the idea unknowingly. I was making my way toward the staircase, about to check on the progress of some of my baby shoots in the nursery when he bumped into me on his way out of the theatre.

"Bellalita!" He hailed as usual.

"Um...Emmett?" I asked.

"Yup?"

"What's with the Bellalita name? Just wondering."

He threw his arm around my neck and pulled me in toward his chest to ruffle the hair on my head.

"I don't know," he laughed. "It's kind of like…little Bella."

"Oh," I said with a frown as he released me. "Makes sense I guess. See you later."

"Hey wait. We're about to watch a movie in there," he said pointing toward the theatre with his thumb. "We got popcorn and soda and chips…we even have a smokers section! Wanna hang?"

"You're funny," I rolled my eyes and headed toward the stairs.

"Party pooper," he called after me. "By the way, guess who got a summer job at Sunset Lanes?"

"Who," I shrugged as I turned back to him.

"Come on. Humor me," he grinned.

"I dunno Emmett….you?" I answered.

"You suck at games…..no. Victoria."

"Great," I rolled my eyes and snapped my fingers. "That means no bowling all summer then. Darn it."

He ignored my sarcasm and went on.

"That girl has her eyes out for you. She only spotted Rose and me in there this week and her eyes were glued to us the entire time. She kept glancing at the door too, probably thinking you were gonna show. _That _would have been a hoot! I would pay money to see you smack that bitch again. And don't say I told you so, but….Rose is secretly rooting for you too. Sssshhhh."

"I'm glad you're amused by all this," I chuckled a little.

"So you coming or what?" He asked, gesturing toward the theatre. "I was serious about the smoking section. There really is one."

"Shut up Emmett and no. I have something to do upstairs."

"What is it you do up there everyday anyway?"

"I uh…I read a lot."

He grimaced when I said that and waved me off.

"Have I ever told you that you suck?"

"Often."

"Ok!" He grinned and then he was off.

------------------

I decided to inveigle Alice and Jasper to partake in a little bowling the day after and they gingerly accepted the invitation. I didn't intend on picking a fight with the girl right away. My plan was to go down there and bowl for a while so that I could feel out Victoria's vibe and maybe find out what time she finished work. The other thing was, I didn't want to be alone in case a fight happened just in case the fight_ did_ ensue and I got my ass kicked. I knew Victoria wouldn't make it easy for me the second time around. She really was a wild cat with the strangest kind of unexplained vendetta against me.

God only knew how I came out of that first fight with barely a scratch, and I figured I wouldn't be so lucky the second time around.

I think she smelled me the moment I walked through the door like the seasoned predator that she was. She found me with her eyes immediately and made it virtually impossible for me to relax under her stare.

"Bella," Alice came up behind me with a pair of bowling shoes in her hands. "Isn't that Victoria from school over there?"

"Yes," I answered and carried on as if I was unaffected by the fact. Thankfully Jasper diverted her attention to his adorably terrible bowling and she all but ignored me after that.

For all intents and purposes I tried to match the intense electricity that Victoria shot out toward me because if my plan was to work at all, I would have to be the aggressor and not the victim. I never wanted Edward to think that I was taken advantage of, because then he would feel guilty for not being around to protect me and my purpose wasn't to make him guilty. I just wanted to piss him off enough so that he would come back home and give me the chance to prove to him once and for all that I _was _in factable to control my connection to Charlie and that I even_ wanted_ to, if it would keep Edward close to me.

A few weeks prior, if I had known he was planning on leaving and why, I would have smartened up right there on the spot out on the field and done what he wanted me to do, but he never gave me the opportunity to be scared enough into succumbing to his will, or the opportunity to show him just how much I loved him. But true to form I fell victim to my own tendency of blindness in a sea of wealth only to regain my sight in the cruelty of drought; and I paid for that mistake for as long as we were apart.

Victoria stood there and pulled me into her witchy haze with her glare. I responded to her pull, the pull toward danger and toward the rush of something riveting that was sure to distract me from my life for at least an hour or so. I actually enjoyed the excitement of it and without even realizing it, I had walked away from Alice and Jasper who were too wrapped up in the adorableness of each other to even notice. The succinctness of the alien aura that encased me as I walked over to Victoria phased everything else out and for those first few minutes, there was no one else in that bowling alley but she and I.

She had waited for that day and I could see by the fiery glint in her eyes and the smirk on her face that she was not about to let her opportunity pass. She put her hands on her hips and gave me her coy and deceptive smile.

"Either you're crazy or just plain stupid," she said. "But either way, you're asking for it and I'm about to give to you."

I was never one for the show down of fancy words, like two cowboys on a dirt ridden street facing off with each other, hands hovering at their holsters amidst the lazy tumble weeds being cast by the dry wind. Those scenes always irritated me and I felt that if you wanted to shoot the bastard, you ought to just pull out your goddamned gun and shoot him dead already instead of playing stupid mind games. That was Victoria though - the girl with her hand above her holster, shifting from one foot to the next, preparing her stance, staring me down, talking me down, trying to spook me out instead of just grabbing me by the hair and yanking me down to the bloody floor. It was then I realized that she was still talking, saying a host of things that was probably supposed to make me either beg her pardon or chicken out.

"As usual, all bark and no bite," I rolled my eyes, passionately annoyed by all the talk, talk, talk.

She took forever to take the first swipe and we both knew that she wanted to fight. She was almost trembling with hatred for me. So I made it easier on her. I went in first and much to my alarm and despite it being the second time around, Victoria was again taken by taken surprise. I smashed my fist into her cheek and watched her stumble backward with wide accusing eyes.

"You know, for someone with so much mouth, you really ought to be much better at this," I said as I wriggled my fingers on the hand I had just used. God, my knuckles burned and that was only after the first hit. A security guard appeared then and tried to warn us, but even though I heard his voice and even noticed the whopping from the crowd that was already gathering, I kept my focus locked on Victoria because she never broke her eye contact with me.

"Bella," Alice bit out through her teeth behind me. "_What_ are you doing?"

"Ok that's it," the guard said. "Outside. The both of you, come on. Get out."

"I have to work," Victoria sneered at the guard. Big mistake, she looked away from me and at the guard and I took that window of opportunity to take her by surprise again. I swung my arm up high and cracked one right across her nose.

"FUCK! OUCH! YOU _BITCH_!" Victoria screamed. Finally, she snapped into gear and lunged forward to grabbed two hard fistfuls of my hair in her hands. I grabbed at her wrists and pushed into her, trying to get close enough to smash my forehead into her nose again, but the guard grabbed us both and started shoving us out through the door.

"Get out!" He yelled.

The crowd that followed us outside was loud and wild and of course, the majority of them were from Forks' High. Victoria hadn't let go of my hair and by the time we were pushed outside, the digging of her fingernails at my roots was excruciating. I felt my face go red and when the guard let us go I shoved all my weight into her and pushed her up against the wall. She got in a few hard fists across my face then and I felt my body rock backward with the impact.

"I'll fucking kill you!" She screamed as I grabbed her hair next and slammed the back of her head into the wall.

"AaRRGHH!!" She screamed and did something I didn't expect. She turned her head to the side and got the skin of my forearm between her teeth and bit into it hard. So of course I let her hair go but that move made my blood boil. I winced as I pulled my arm away from her mouth and then she slammed her fist into my face again and knocked me to the floor. The next thing I knew she was on top of me, straddling me and pinning my hips firmly to the ground. The screams from the crowd were deafening, and it made my temples throb and my heart pound and lick inside of my chest like a wild fire.

"Get off!" I screamed at her.

"Or what?!" She screamed back. She started hitting me, over and over across my face with her knuckles and the part that really pissed me off was that she kept striking the same side and it started to feel a lot like the day I felt Edward strike Charlie. I writhed and wriggled underneath her and I tried to get my hands into her face to push her off, but she was strong and she blocked me every time. The only thing I could think of in the heat of the moment was to spit up at her and when the saliva hit her in her face, she freaked out.

"UGH! _EEWWW_! YUCK!" She raised her shirt to wipe it away frantically, all grossed out and disgusted. I pushed her off of me then and when she fell back onto her bum, I rushed up to my feet and sent a hard kick to her gut. She grabbed my ankle and pulled it out from under me and even though my fall was hard judging from the cracking sound of my skull on the asphalt, I raised my other foot and brought it down hard on top of her. My heel connected with her chin and she squirmed and buckled over onto the side. I hauled my body on top of her then and sat on her hip, grabbed her head by her hair and yanked her face up. I got in at least three or four heated blows to her face after that, will my other hand rooted firmly in her hair, holding her perfect, pretty face in place. She shifted her body beneath me and rolled onto her back with me still on top and managed to get my throat between her hands. She choked me mercilessly and I felt my face and head start to swell with blood. The harder she squeezed, the harder I hit her and every blow to her face sent a splash of blood to the floor and into her hair. I was about to pass out from the strangulation and only got a moment of reprieve when she removed one of her hands to scratch me across my face.

Jasper grabbed me from behind then and I knew it was him because he was screaming into my ear as he pulled me up to my feet. On my way up I sent a kick to her face and the impact snapped her head to the other side.

"BELLA!" He screamed. "THAT'S ENOUGH!"

"N it's not! It's not nearly enough!!! Let go! Get _away_ from me Jaspe_r_!"" I kicked my legs and railed in his arms and made it very hard for him to hold me back. I almost got away too. When I got my feet on the floor, I pulled away from him roughly and his hands slipped down my arms fractionally. I was within inches of Victoria again, still trying to pick herself up off the floor when Jasper reaffirmed his hold on me and swung me around to face him. When he had me face to face to him I felt someone grab at my hair from behind and yank my head back roughly.

"OW!" I screamed but Jasper didn't let go. He pulled me firmly against his chest and screamed at someone over my head.

"Hold her off!! What are you, stupid?!" He yelled. "Back the_ fuck_ off Victoria! Don't _fucking _cross me. It's _OVER_!!"

I tried to turn around and push off of him, but he held me tight and smothered my face into his chest. I screamed and wriggled and dug my fingernails into his sides but he didn't relent. He only tightened his arms round me and cradled the back of my head where Victoria had just grabbed in her last attempt to pull me away from him. I could hear her cussing and screaming threats at me from behind and it was obvious that someone else was holding her custody as well.

"Get off me Jasper!" I screamed into his chest.

He grabbed the both sides of my face then and pulled my face up toward his then pressed his forehead and his nose to mine, forcing me to stay in place.

"Calm down Bella," he panted into my face. I trembled and I cried and the hot tears on my face weren't so much for Victoria as they were for the anger and frustration that I had been feeling constantly.

"I can't," I trembled. "I can't!"

"You _HAVE _to!" He growled into my face and the way he was pressed to me was reassuring and strangely calming. He never let go of my face. He held me tight and in place and I could barely move my head to the side at all. "You're gonna get yourself hurt Bella! Fuck!"

"I can't stop!" I repeated. "I can't stand it anymore! I can't stand to _feel_ this way! I want to die Jasper! And I want to take Victoria with me!!"

"No you don't want to die," he said in an emotional, but stern voice with his forehead still pressed firmly to mine.

"How do _you_ know?! You don't know!"

"Yes I do! I know because Edward _will_ come back and you won't have to feel like this anymore. And I know because you'll be pretty pissed off if you died and then he came back and you didn't get to see him again."

"You're not funny," I bawled.

"Then forget about Edward," he said as his grasp on my face started to slacken. "What about Alice and everybody else and me? I already have to say goodbye to Ally when she goes away. Would you take yourself away from me too?"

"What?" I cried and pulled my head back a little to look up at him through teary eyes.

"You're like my little sister Bella, even though we're the same age," he grinned. "And it's not nice seeing you like this."

I sniffled then and blinked up at him and his hands loosened a bit more. He was doing it, he was calming me down and I literally felt the fiery rage on my insides douse under the blue stare in his eyes. My shoulders dropped under the weight of my head as I nodded sullenly.

"If I let go of you, will you trip the fuck out again?" He asked.

I shook my head and sniffled again.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

He let go then and the moment he did, Alice grabbed me by my upper arm and hauled me all the way to the Porsche. When we got to the car I pulled away from her and folded my arms stubbornly.

"Please don't start with me," I warned her.

"Or what? You're gonna beat me up too?!" She cried out, throwing her arms into the air. "If you were four and I was your mother, I would drop you over my knee right now and spank you silly!"

"Oh I'm so scared," I rolled my eyes.

"Just look at you!" She yelled and gestured to my face. "You're bleeding! And your face is swollen! And your shirt is completely ruined!"

"Who cares about my goddamned shirt!"

"I do! I gave it to you!"

"Then here," I cried out as I started unbuttoning it down the middle.

"Oh for crying out loud," Jasper rolled his eyes and jumped into the driver's side. "If you're going to strip, please do it in the backseat."

Alice opened the back door then signaled with widened eyes for me to get in. One step shy of pulling the shirt off, I got in and folded my arms again across my chest. Once Alice was in, Jasper sped off and left the scene of the crime behind.

* * *

As awful and embarrassed as I felt after the fight, I exalted in the fact that I was successful in getting Carlisle suitably horrified by my behavior. He examined me of course for any damage and dressed my wounds.

"Are you trying to kill your mother?" He asked sternly as he dabbed at my sore cheek. "Are you trying to kill _me_? What are you thinking lately?"

"I don't want to kill anyone," I grumbled and flinched as he pressed and applied ointment. "I just want him to come home."

He sighed and dropped his head so low that I couldn't see his face anymore.

"Is that really what this is about Bella?" He asked.

"Yes," I swallowed.

"And the smoking?" He raised his head.

I turned away, feeling lost and defeated by the spiraling chaos.

"Why won't you just tell him?" I asked on the verge of tears. "Why won't you tell him that things are crazy and that he needs to come back?"

"Why won't you?"

"He won't listen to me Carlisle. He only listens to you."

"That's not always true, and why do you think he won't listen to you?"

"Because I've told him to come home and he just avoids the topic and I've tried to tell him that I can fix everything, but he ignored me."

"What are you talking about…fix everything?"

I wasn't embarrassed to cry in front of Carlisle anymore. By then he was well acquainted with most of what was broken in me and he dealt with it better than everybody else as far as I could tell.

"I tried to tell him that I can control Charlie in my head," I choked out, swallowing against the unrelenting swell in my throat. His eyes widened when I said that. "I tried to tell him that I've done it….twice, and won, but he didn't believe me. He said that I would say anything to get him to come back, and even though that's true, I really _was_ telling the truth."

He stepped backward and sat in a chair.

"Can you really do that?" He asked with a calculating frown.

"Yes. I'm desperate enough. Yes."

"Why haven't you done it until now?"

I looked away and brushed the tears away with the back of my hand.

"Because until now, I hadn't lost Edward."

"You haven't lost him Bella," Carlisle said in a deep, meaningful tone. "I know you miss him and you feel torn but you haven't lost him. He _will_ return and he will do it for you."

"But _when_?" I bit out. "It's not even necessary for him to be all the way down there! I can't bear it any longer. It's too hard. I don't know what to do with myself, who to be, where to go. I….I'm like…I can't…..it's too……I just can't anymore. And it's not like I haven't tried. I'm trying. I distract myself with all kinds of things, but nothing lasts. The pain always comes back and it's getting worse and worse as time goes by!"

He stood up. "As risky as this might be to say and I hope you will forgive me for it, but I think that time apart is actually good for the two of you. You are way too consumed by each other for it to be natural or healthy. Bella, you can't be this….addicted, to someone….."

"Don't," I interrupted him and shook my head. "Don't."

He didn't finish after that.

"Are you done with me?" I asked.

"You're fine," he said. "You've narrowly escaped a fractured skull, but you're ok. Take these for three nights." He handed me a little plastic bag with some pills.

"It will help you sleep."

I took them willingly, thanked him and left, bracing myself for Esme's impending tirade.

--------------

Three nights later, my pills were done and I sat on my bed with my ipod head phones in my ears; and as usual, all I could bear was about two and a half songs before I yanked the chords out of my ears in frustration.

_Stupid love songs_, I thought. _I really have to update my playlist._

His white aura crept in like a secret at first, discreet and apologetic almost, and the moment I realized he had come to me again complete with gap and sensual fervor, I curled myself up into a ball and cried in rebellion, wanting to refuse him access to my body. I cried through entire thing, through the pleasure and through the spell binding lure of his catatonic desire. This time wasn't as quick as the last two. It was slower and more deliberate and it literally felt like he was right there with me, touching, kissing and adoring me. I had to abandon myself to it, because something that powerful running through me was physically impossible to ignore. I thought about concentrating hard enough to push him out of my mind, the way I had learned with Charlie, and just the mere thought of wanting to push him away even in the littlest quantity made me cry harder.

By the time he worked his way up to his orgasm, I was already shuddering both from the intensity of his explosion and from the build up of anger I had welled up inside. When it was over, I rolled over on to my back and glared up at the ceiling.

That was strike three – three orgasms.

I lay there for the longest while angry at the whole world and just doing a great job at feeing sorry for myself. I grabbed at my phone three times to call him and let him know about the orgasms, but each time I dropped the phone onto my stomach and shut my eyes. I don't know how much time passed with me lying there like that, but just when I picked up the phone to make my fourth attempt at calling him, the message alert tone came through. I sat up hastily and shoved my hair out of my eyes to read with held breath.

'_I know what you're doing and I understand. Please be patient. I think I'm making progress. I love you.'_

So Carlisle had spoken to him.

I read that message like twenty five times, over and over, until the words failed to make sense anymore. The letters started merging and resembling unreadable symbols, though one word stood out like a sore thumb above the rest…. "patient."

I snapped the phone shut and flung it violently at the painted bulls eye on the wall. _Patient_ was officially my new favorite word to hate and the fact that he was asking for more of my patience meant that he needed more time and more time meant more of everything in absence of him.

I couldn't sleep. I tossed and I perspired and I stared at the walls for hours after that, wondering what I could do next. Whatever it was, it would have to be big. It would have to be the one thing that would bend everything to my will.

It ended up being quite simple actually. If I wanted something done, I had to do it myself and stop expecting everyone else to read my signals and emphasize to Edward what _I _wanted him to know. I jumped off my bed and began to pace as 'Plan C' starting taking effect. The idea was brilliant and partly intimidating, but most of all, it would force Edward and me back together.

There was only one thing in my way and I knew just the person to help me with that; the one person who knew everything and the one Esme couldn't keep anything from, even in the midst of their fighting. It was already late, but the time didn't phase me. I crept across the corridor, careful not to alert Esme and snuck into Alice's room. She was already asleep. I treaded lightly across the wooden floor, which in hind sight made no sense because I was on my way to wake her up in any case, and poked her gently.

"Alice," I whispered. "Alice, wake up."

She turned over and grumbled uncooperatively and shoved my hands away from her.

"Leave me alone," she grunted.

"Alice," I poked her again.

"_Wha-at_," she whined, pulling her covers over her head.

"What's the name of the motel Edward and Charlie are staying at?" I whispered down over her.

"What?" She hissed and pulled her covers down. "Bella. It's late. I'm sleeping. Talk to me in the morning."

"I can't sleep," I said to her. "Look, just tell me the name of it and I'll leave you alone. I promise."

"What do you want," she grumbled some more.

"The name of the motel Charlie's at in Opa-locka," I said to her with crossed fingers at my sides.

"Best Western something or other," she grunted.

"Best Western _what_ Alice," I bit out impatiently.

"B_ellaaa_," she said propping herself up on her elbows.

"I'm sorry Alice. I'll leave you alone right after. I promise. Best Western _what_?"

She sighed heavily and dropped back down onto the bed. "I think it's Best Western Windsor…something. The name is too long and convoluted for me to remember right now. Now can I sleep? You're annoying."

"Ok. Sorry. Thanks," I said and bent over to kiss her forehead. "Thank You."

Once I was back in my room I went online and looked for it. I found the listing for the Inn easily and wrote the address and phone number. I tapped my fingers against my desk and bit down on my bottom lip pensively, shifting my eyes everywhere in the room and lastly at the time on my laptop.

"It's the only way," I whispered to myself.

I packed a small bag and changed into some jeans, a t-shirt, sneakers and a hoodie, then scratched a quick note to Esme, grabbed my passport for ID purposes then emptied whatever cash I had accumulated and saved for the nursery from a small box, plus my allowance. It wasn't much but I hoped it was enough to see me to Florida.

There was no detailed plan, besides the obvious mission of finding Edward myself. Everything else just fell by the wayside.

I tiptoed down the hallway then down to the kitchen where I left the note to Esme, begging for her forgiveness and for her understanding; and promising to call the moment I touched down. I also asked that someone please collect the abandoned Porsche at the airport. I didn't know if there would be an available flight, but I hoped and prayed and left anyway.

I made it out of the house without disturbing the quiet and worried that the sound of the starting Porsche might wake Esme. I backed out of the driveway and took off at an undesirable speed once I was in the clear.

As I followed the street signs and made my way toward the Forks airport I convinced myself over and over that everything would be ok and that I would make it alive, and that I was making the right decision. One way or another I would see Edward sooner rather than later and make him understand that I could control my mind. I could get better without doctors and without medicine and without him having to force Charlie to do anything he didn't want to do. He refused to listen to me, so I planned on _forcing_ him to listen and believe even if it meant asking him to beat up Charlie in front of me so that I could prove to him that I could control it. I dismissed that idea immediately afterward, apologized to Charlie in my head and drove on.

Edward had a problem hearing my voice and talking to me over the phone; but he wouldn't be able to get away from it when we were face to face.


	53. Chapter 53 In pursuit of my love

Doube POVs. I think you'll like how this one ends :)

**Chapter 53**

**In Pursuit of my love (EPOV)**

I opened my groggy eyes and stared about me for a few seconds before I realized that it was my ringing phone that woke me up. I reached into my pocket for it and rubbed at my scratching eyes with my index.

"Dad? What time is it?" I answered the phone.

"Edward," Carlisle replied in a panic stricken voice. "Something's happened."

"Where's Bella," I demanded, jumping out of my chair and losing all traces of sleepiness immediately. "Is she ok?"

"She left," he answered. "We're on our way to the airport right now to try to intercept her."

"Left? What are you talking about? Where is she going?" As soon as the words came out of my mouth I figured it out. It was kind of obvious. Where else would she be going, other than to find Charlie and me.

"She's on her way to Florida Edward," Carlisle said. "She's going to try to find you."

Anxiety had never been so resolute before that night. I never saw it coming and an instant pain shot straight up to my head when I realized what she was trying to do. I ran my fingers through my hair frantically and spun on the same spot twice, not knowing what to do or say. If Bella was at the airport already she could have very well been on a flight by then and as much as the idea of seeing her soon filled me with anticipation and incredible relief, the trepidation that came along with it was pungent. I didn't want Bella anywhere near that place we were in and having her there with me meant potential trouble with Charlie, not to mention the dangers of her making her way through Opa Locka on her own, in search of us….with the sense of direction of a blind baby.

Fuck, just when I was starting to make progress – a new spoke in my wheel.

"Edward?" Carlisle called.

"I'm here."

"We're not far from the airport. Hopefully we can get to her before she gets a flight out. We called the airport already and there are at least three ways out of Forks tonight but of course they won't tell us which one Bella is booked on."

"Did you try calling her? I'm going to call her right now," I bit out with a pounding heart in my chest.

"You won't get through. Esme found Bella's phone smashed to pieces on the floor of her bedroom."

"So there's no way of getting through to her? Fuck Carlisle! How did she get so far ahead of you guys?"

"Esme didn't hear her leave the house, but she heard the Porsche start up and when she looked out the window she saw that it was missing. She thought that it was stolen so she called the cops and because she didn't want to scare the girls she left them to sleep. It was only fifteen minutes later after the cops arrived did she go into their bedrooms to check on them. That's when she realized that Bella was missing."

"Christ," I bit out and started walking up and down at the foot of Charlie's bed. "But how do you know she went to the airport?"

"She left a note," Carlisle went on. "And I think you should know what's in it."

"I'm listening," I exhaled.

"She said that she is going to prove to you in person what you wouldn't believe over the phone…that she could control her connection to Charlie so that it isn't so scary anymore. She says there's no reason for you to be in Florida. Earlier this week she mentioned that she tried to tell you this but you wouldn't listen to her."

"Of course I wouldn't fucking listen to her!" I cried out, completely wound up and agitated with anxiety. "I thought she was just saying that to get me to leave Charlie alone…trying to protect him as usual! And because she wanted me to come home! But after everything I'd gone through to find the bastard, I couldn't just fucking _walk away_!"

"In any event, she's on her way to prove it to you and I think she's telling the truth."

"You have to find her Carlisle. You have to find her and take her back home."

"We can try Edward, but I can't promise anything. She's 18 and if she wants to do this, we'll have to let her."

"No way!" I heard Esme yell in the background. "If she wants to do what she wants because she's 18, she'll have to move the hell out and pay her own rent somewhere with her own rules. As long as she's under my roof she'll do what I want and tonight that means getting her little ass back home with me!"

"I agree with Esme," I said to Carlisle. "Carlisle, anything can happen to her if she gets on that plane. It's impossible for Bella to keep herself out of trouble and she doesn't even have a phone on her in case of emergency."

"Listen to me. I'll call you from the airport and give you an update, but if we don't get to her in time Edward, it means you'll see her before we do. That means you have to get yourself to the airport on your end asap."

"But which one? She could be coming in through Tampa, Miami, Orlando, Fort Laud….fuck. How will I know which one? This is a nightmare! I can't have Bella moving through Opa Locka on her own in search of me Carlisle. This place is nothing like Forks…."

"I know. We'll figure something out and I'll take the net flight out if I have to. I'll call you when we get there. Hang tight and wait."

He hung up then and left me gaping at the wall in the dark room in stupefied horror. Feeling that helpless was a recipe for insanity. Waiting was torture, it was like a death sentence that had been cast upon me, persecuting me in turn for every hour and day I had made _her_ wait for me.

Charlie started grumbling and complaining about the racket I was making.

"What the fuck man," he groaned. "It's the middle of the night. Shit."

"Get the fuck up," I grunted and stormed over to the wall to turn on the lights.

"Turn that bloody light off," he demanded. "What the fuck's the matter with you now?"

"If I have to face this shit tonight, then so do you," I pointed at him. "Wake up."

"I'm fucking _up_. What are you ranting about?"

I was pacing like a mad man at the foot of his bed with my fingers doing a half ass job at keeping the hair out of my eyes. It was months since I'd had a trim and it was too fucking long to control anymore.

"It's Bella," I grunted.

"Stop pacing and talk," he said.

"Don't tell me what to do."

"Fine. What did Bella do this time?"

I shot him an aggravated glare and spun on my heels then started off in the opposite direction.

"She snuck out of the house and went to the airport."

He remained quiet.

"She's on her way here."

"Well fuck me," he chuckled. "What took her so long?"

"Of course," I threw my hands in the air. "This is fun for you isn't it. Bella could be on a plane right now to God only knows which one of the thousands of airports in this state and you're amused."

"What's the big deal? So she'll find us and we'll be a big happy family."

I stopped and put my hands on my hips, closed my eyes and bit down on the cuss words that almost flew out at him. It wasn't worth it to lose my temper with him that night. I had to keep every ounce of energy and focus in tact so that I could deal with the situation coherently.

"Bella couldn't find her way around a town as small as Forks," I eventually spat out. "I can't imagine her trying to find this place and if I go to one of the airports and it's the wrong one…,"I sighed. "But if Carlisle could find a way to find out which flight she took from Forks, he could tell me and I'd know where to go."

"I don't why you're so surprised about this?" He said as he swung his legs over the side of the bed.

"What?" I spat.

"You obviously don't know her as well as you brag," he had the nerve to say. "Like I said before. It took her long enough."

I tried to ignore him as best as I could as I ran through a million possibilities in my head and how I would counter each one of them.

"She's strong willed and as stubborn as an old mule," he continued. "The two of us here like this….you and me, the two people she's most focused on in her life? And you're trying to tell her that she has to stay all the way over there and _wait _for something to happen. Ha. I was expecting this after the first few days. I'm sure she agonized over this the entire time and she knew her mother would never have let her come, so the only way to get around that was to sneak out in the middle of the night."

"No," I shook my head, deep in thought as I walked back and forth. "There's something more to it than that. If it was only a case of impatience, like you said, she'd have done this a long time ago. She's been impatient with me ever since day one, but I knew that had conditioned herself to it somewhat. She seemed to be dealing with it for a while. Something happened to push her over the edge. It's too sudden."

"Whatever," he said and lay back down. "But maybe it had something to do with what you were talking to your _daddy_ about earlier on."

I stopped again and narrowed at my eyes at him.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"When you were out there on the phone," he gestured to the door with his thumb.

"You sack of shit. You were eavesdropping?"

"Hey," he snuffed a chuckle. "I challenge you to do different in my shoes."

"This is your fault," I said to him. "You're the reason why I'm even here, but now… it's over." I stopped again and turned to him in exhaustion as the next phase of the journey materialized in my head. "I'm done."

"What the hell are you talking about now?"

I went to the unoccupied bed and grabbed my duffel bag from on the floor underneath and started piling my shit from all over the room into it. He sat up again and turned as much as he could to see what I was doing.

"What….you're leaving?"

I took a few long strides over to him, untied his wrist from the bed and went back to packing my stuff.

"I've done all I could with you. I've done my best and tried to make you understand, tried to get you to step out of yourself and see the whole picture. And all this time while I've been here trying to get you to wake up, I've been neglecting her and now she could be in trouble somewhere and there's nothing I can do to stop it."

He stood up and walked to the little table, knocked the surface with his knuckles a few times then looked up to the ceiling and sighed.

"You've been clean for six weeks Charlie and I'm not an expert on how long it takes before it starts to make a difference to someone like you, but you'll never convince me that you prefer the way you were when I found you to how you feel right now."

"What the fuck do you know about how I feel right now?"

"Like I said. I'm no expert."

"Dam fucking right you're not."

"So I guess you prefer staying here and rotting to death than come with me to Forks."

He turned away and refused to answer.

"It's no longer a matter of impaired judgment because of your inebriation Charlie. You're healthier and more sober tonight than you've been in a long time. What this boils down to is…how much do you love her?"

I was finished packing already. I didn't have much to pack anyway especially because I'd given him half of everything I had.

"This is your last chance Charlie," I said as I fell into the chair behind the door. "Come with me and get help. Even now as we speak Bella is hurting by all this and frustrated to the point where she's putting herself in danger just to get to us. She's also been putting herself in trouble just to get my attention and now she's finally gotten it. I have to get to her before she does something really stupid and hurts herself unintentionally."

"So in other words," he said as he folded his arms and leaned back on the edge of the table. "You acknowledge that Bella is quite capable of hurting herself…and that _I'm_ not always the culprit."

"You win Charlie," I said, throwing my hands up then back down into my lap. "You win. The ball is totally in your court now. I won't try to force you anymore and I won't ask you again. It's your call. The moment I get a word from Carlisle about where Bella is, I'll be on my way. Either to an airport somewhere to find her or on my way back to Forks, but either way you're a free man."

"I was always a free man."

"Then do something worthwhile with your freedom and help her by helping yourself. There's a ticket with your name on it to Forks if you want it."

His face transformed then and his calm demeanor turned into spitting hostility in less than a second. I saw him grab the edge of the table behind him so hard that he pushed it back a little.

"You keep saying that I can go with you to Forks. What the fuck am I going to do in Forks man?" He growled. "It's all figured out in your little head isn't it? This rehab joint of yours isn't even done yet…or even started for that fucking matter, and I'm supposed to just jump on a plane with you? What the fuck am I going to do in the meanwhile? Where am I going to live? What about work? How the fuck will I live? Things down here may be shitty but at least I have shit figured out."

"_This _is figured out?"

"You have no idea what you're asking me to do."

"I'm asking you to help me help Bella! And it's not like I'm gonna drop you on the fucking street and tell you to fend for yourself. We're obviously going to help you get a place to stay. And you can start looking for a fucking job and be a man. Figure it out Charlie. You're not a fucking child. Thereare ways to survive other than at the bottom of a bottle. At least in Forks you'll have people around you who actually give a shit about you."

"Like fucking _who_?"

"Like Bella you asshole! And Alice!"

He shook his head stubbornly and looked away.

"What are….you stressing about Esme?" I asked. "It's not about _her_ and what _she_ thinks. Forget about your pride and fuck Esme!" He looked at me in mild shock when I said it.

"Yeah that's right," I continued with a raised chin. "_Fuck _Esme and you can tell her I said so. I don't give a shit. Do you even realize that the more fucked up you get, the more _she_ wins. You keep proving her right over and over with this mess. If you were to come back with me and get your act together that would be the biggest slap in her face. She won't know what to think of it. She'd be so fucking stunned. Rub her nose in it. Build a life for yourself right under her fucking nose and prove her wrong about you. You weren't always this screwed up. She married you didn't she? This is your revenge opportunity right here!"

I had gotten so desperate in the last minute that I started ranting and blabbing a host of shit in an attempt to get his attention.

I knew his pride was the main thing holding him back. He hated that he couldn't fix himself on his own and that he needed to depend on the people that left him for help…Esme in particular. The entire time I'd been with him, I centered my case around Bella and her well being, but I only realized in the end that there had to be something in it for him as well in order for my idea to appeal to him at all; and that was just human nature. He needed to feel like there was something to gain other than recovery…fuck recovery. Recovery only emphasized the fact that you were sick. Recovery didn't smack your enemies in the face; but revenge did, and it was the only bait I had to dangle in front of him.

We sat in silence for a long while after that, him by the table and me in my chair by the door. Waiting for Carlisle to call me back was torturous. I bounced my legs off my heels, I perspired, I dropped my head back against the door, I rubbed at my temples, I kept checking my cell, I folded and folded my legs like 500 times and then finally the phone rang and I almost knocked it to the floor in my haste to answer it.

"Tell me," I gasped nervously.

"We have her," Carlisle said. "She's alright."

"Oh my God," I cried out in relief as I sunk down deep into the chair, tired and worn. I let out a loud, deflating sigh and squeezed my eyes shut. "Thank you. Let me talk to her."

"Sure."

It took forever for her to say anything and I pressed my ear into the phone to catch a trace of her.

"Bella?"

"Edward," she bit out harshly. "I don't want to talk to you like this."

"Like what? Bella, I'm…."

The chill in her voice scared me. I turned my back on Charlie to try to get some privacy and dropped my voice.

"I'm not capable of polite conversation right now," she interrupted me.

"You're upset," I said.

"Understatement of the century Edward."

"I understand."

"No, I doubt that you do," she came back quickly. "It's not like I can explain right now anyway. Talk to me some other time…or don't. Whatever."

"Bella," I stepped backward and grabbed my duffel off the bed and squeezed the grip with all the strength in my arm, just about ready to kick the fucking door open and go pelting to the airport. "Wait. Can you try?"

"Try what Edward?"

"Try to explain what you think you can't."

The sound in her voice was past hurt and past anger. It wasn't anything like I had heard in her the two times I called and the sarcasm in her text messages wasn't present either. There was only coldness and resignation and together they terrified me.

"I want to push you out Edward," she said. "I want you out of my thoughts. I never thought I'd say it, but I do. I can take most kinds of pain you throw at me even though I may be stubborn and usually I find a way to deal with stuff on my own, but I refuse to force myself to deal with what you did earlier on tonight with you not around."

"What are you talking about?" I frowned. I even glanced back at Charlie and wondered if he had somehow talked to her without me knowing and told her a lie about me. He was sitting by the table when I looked over my shoulder, eating every word out of my mouth.

"It makes everything more horrible," she went on. "It makes me long for you in a way that literally twists something inside of my chest and I can't breathe when it happens. The loneliness is too much. You don't even know what you do when you do it." Her voice started to crack. The difficulty she was having tore through me and froze me right through to my core.

"Bella? _What_ are you talking about? You're confusing me. I know you probably can't talk in front of Carlisle and Esme, but you have to help me out here. I don't like the way you sound." I was concerned that maybe I really _did_ do something, unknowingly, to upset her to this point of saturation. "I'm confused."

"Figure it out yourself," she said in a short tone and I picked up that she was about to cut the conversation short but I couldn't let her hang up until I understood what she was trying to say. I hated the way she sounded. It was the way I had expected her sound at the start of all this and even though she held out and tried to be tolerant of my purpose with Charlie, I could hear her slipping past the line of _"fuck it all – I don't care anymore_" and it panicked me.

"Ok, I'll try to figure it out. Hang on ok? You said earlier on tonight…something I did? What did I do? I didn't do anything."

"Walk through your memory Edward. Go through everything you did tonight and with who and ask yourself what_ I_ could know without you having to tell me."

She had dropped her voice to an almost inaudible whisper and I had to strain to hear her.

"Something I could _feel_," she finished.

"Ok um…." I was squeezing the grip on my duffel really tightly. "I slept most of the day, I talked to Carlisle on the phone, talked to Charlie in the room, ordered take out, ate it, send you a text and then took a shower…" I frowned down at the floor and tried to think harder, wondering what the fuck she could be talking about.

"Bingo," she said in a dry and bitter tone.

I raised my eyes to the door before my eyes and went through it all again in my head.

Bingo? I didn't get it.

….ordered take out, ate it, sent you a text and took a shower…bingo?

Oh fuck…_bingo_.

I dropped the bag to the floor and stumbled forward against the cupboard doors with a hand out in front of me. My knees wobbled and I felt as if I had just put on twenty pounds of steel in weight. I felt that heavy.

"Edward?"

"I jacked off, Bella," I said, closing my eyes.

"I figured," she answered. "And I felt it….tonight, and all the other nights you did it."

"What?"

"Yes."

I didn't know what else to say but that. I'd have thought that even for Bella that was impossible. The connection was only supposed to be pain related, but apparently she could feel…other things too. I pushed off from the cupboard and fell back on to the bed in a seated position, bent over and ran my fingers through my hair. Nothing could have kept me away from her anymore. There was nothing bigger than the moment she would be in my arms again, and if I was lucky and I hurried, she might still let me. The blow of her revelation was so powerful that it wiped everything else out of my mind and I couldn't find words relating to anything else but what we were talking about, not even the words to tell her that I was coming home that night.

"I don't know what to say," I uttered in disbelief with wide eyes as something new occurred to me. "But….you must have known that…..I was _alone _every time….right? Bella, I wouldn't….."

"I can't get into that right now," she cut me off hastily. "I'm in the car on the way home and don't bother sending me messages either because I smashed my phone."

Charlie chose that very moment to get involved.

"Let me talk to her," he said from behind me. I swung around to face him not even realizing that he had walked up behind me, but she heard him ask for her and responded to him through me before I could even consider his request.

"I don't want to talk to him," she said and though I thought nothing could shock me anymore after everything hat had happened, she made me blanch with her answer and with the coldness in her voice when she said it.

"You don't?" I gasped. Bella never ever refused that man, not even in his most despicable hour. That's when it finally hit me. She had said it to me and so did Carlisle. Maybe Bella really was finding the will to control her connection to Charlie after all and maybe she really did get to the point where she was able to refuse him. And if that was the case…what the fuck was I doing standing in a motel room with him thousands of miles away from her?

"I said I don't want to talk to him," she said again. "I'm tired of it all. I'm done. Good bye." And she hung up.

Did she just say….. '_goodbye?_'

I stared at the dead phone in my hand like a stunned lunatic and ran my fingers through my hair again.

"She's gone," I said in disbelief.

"I said I wanted to talk to her," Charlie said.

"She didn't want to talk," I uttered to him as I ran my eyes aimlessly over everything in sight and shook my head.

"She said goodbye," I frowned at him. "No_ fucking_ way."

I redialed Carlisle in defiance of her last words as well as to tell her that I was on my way home, but it went straight to his voice mail, and after redialing the number five times I had no success. I bent over and grabbed my bag off the floor.

"Last chance Charlie" I said to him as I kicked the chair away violently from behind the door. I unlocked the door and pulled it open then turned to him for the last time. He swallowed awkwardly and blinked like a hundred times. He seemed terrified and unsure and I really didn't have the fucking time or patience anymore to deal with his indecisiveness or his ego problems. I stepped out and fumbled for the car keys in my pocket.

"I'm leaving Charlie and I'm not coming back. You have two seconds to make your decision. I'll never be coming after you again. She said she can cure herself of you…and I believe her now."

"She said what?"

I shrugged and we stared at each other for a while in silence, and I saw a host of emotions run across his face. He really was a tortured motherfucker and he gave me his answer when he turned his eyes away and shook his head dejectedly. I hadn't expected him to cooperate easily though I really fucking hoped that he would, but I also didn't expect to feel the kind of gutting pain that I did when he turned me down for the last time. Without another word and with a small nod, I swallowed a mouthful of air and turned away, slamming the door shut behind me in his face. I raced down to the front desk and paid my dues. I even paid for an extra three days so that Charlie could stay behind for a while if he wanted to, until he figured out where to go and what to do with himself.

It was with a heavy and distraught heart that I speed to the airport in the rental. I felt like a miserable and intolerable failure. I had gone through the entire ordeal, put up with Charlie and hurt Bella for nothing. Going into this, I thought that getting out of it with Charlie in tow or in rehab somewhere was worth all the pain and upheaval that I had caused back home, but now I was on my way back to Forks empty handed, unfulfilled and just fucking….empty.

* * *

**BPOV**

I had the ticket in my hand but I had a two hour wait. The next connecting flight out to Florida was at 3am and I prayed and hoped that I would make it out of there before someone at home figured out that I was gone. All I needed was to get past the boarding gates and I would be safe, even if the plane didn't take off right away I knew that Esme and Carlisle couldn't get past the boarding gates without a ticket….but then Carlisle would just buy a ticket wouldn't he?

I was a mess of nerves and anxiety, sitting with my bag on my lap, fidgeting and twitching to the point where I even annoyed myself. I was glad that I had destroyed my phone even though it would have come in handy after touching down in Florida. I had promised Esme in my note that I would call her, and without a phone it meant that I would have to find a phone booth somewhere. People started to notice me as I sat and bounced my heels off the floor and drummed my fingers at the side of my thighs in agitation. I stared at the flight schedule above head like a million times, every second as if I expected the flight number to miraculously jump up a few notches.

I needed to get on that flight.

I needed a miracle.

The moment I spotted Carlisle and Esme running through the terminal, I sunk down into my chair and cursed with a heavy sigh.

"Figures," I shook my head. "Time, I hate you."

It was over.

They spotted me easily and though they probably thought I would, I didn't try to escape them, nor did I put up a fight. The only options I had was to go back home or to fight and scream and demand that they let me on the plane and seeing that option two meant unwanted attention, I folded my arms and succumbed. I could tell by the look in Esme's eyes that she was driven. There was no fear or worry there. There was only anger and determination. She was ready for a fight and I didn't have the energy to do it. Despair had claimed me and I fell backward into a renewed pit of disappointment, especially at the thought that I had already paid for the ticket and now I'd have to try to get a refund.

"Bella," Esme said as they approached. "What the hell are you thinking? You're getting in that car right this minute and coming home with me, or else you're packing your shit and moving the hell out. I can't take it anymore. You want to be your own woman? Then do it under your own roof where you won't have to suffer through my concern for you anymore. I've just about had it with you. What's next?"

That's when I noticed Emmett hovering in the back ground behind Carlisle, trying not to listen to the argument. They'd have brought him along to drive the Porsche back to Forks in case they didn't find me. Maybe Esme would have been too worked up to drive it back herself, I didn't know, but the analysis hurt my head.

"Bella say something!"

"Fine," I shrugged. "I'll go back. I'm not fighting with you."

She folded her arms and shifted her eyes back and forth between mine incredulously.

"I have a pain in my head the size of Mount Everest Bella," she argued. "You can't keep doing this to me, or to yourself or to everyone else in your life who cares about you. What if something had happened to you? What if you had gotten on that plane and I never saw you again?"

"Oh for crying out loud Esme, you're being overdramatic. I'm standing right here in front you, still in tact and agreeing to go back with you. Can we get it over with it please."

She glanced at Carlisle and pursed her lips.

Carlisle hadn't said a word to me.

The moment we got into the car, he called Edward to tell him that they had found me. So it seemed that Edward knew that I was on my way to find him and I wondered how he reacted to that. I turned my eyes out the window though there was nothing to see in the black of the night. I didn't even feel my usual excitement to talk to him that night in the car. I was so disappointed about how terribly my plan had turned out and how unsuccessful I was in getting Edward to respond the way I wanted him to, that I had suddenly lost all the fight in me. I gave up and the fact that I knew I had given up and didn't have a choice pissed me off.

Carlisle handed his cell to me over his shoulder from the driver's seat and I took it from him numbly and put it to my ear. I tried to talk to him without sounding bitter but I was too miserable and I knew the tone in my voice got to him. What I really wanted to tell him I couldn't because Esme and Carlisle were within earshot and I wasn't about to inform them about my empathic connection to Edward, least of all through his orgasms! That would have been a whole other issue to deal with and I didn't have the will or the energy to go through it, especially without Edward. I heard the fear in Edward's voice and though it touched me, the sensation was only brief and it passed quickly. He figured it out on his own and like I expected, he was shocked. He even tried to go into the whole 'you have to believe that I would never cheat on you,' bit, but that was a conversation to have with him in privacy and preferably not in the backseat of his father's car with both Esme and Carlisle listening in on every word I spoke.

When I heard Charlie ask to talk to me from the other end, something putrid turned in my stomach. I didn't know what it was and it was the first time I had felt it, but I was sure that I didn't want to talk to him either. The whole situation had become monstrous and overwhelming and I'd had enough of it. I wanted to forget, I wanted to move on and I never wanted to be the cause of anything remotely close to this ever again.

If I could have separated myself from it all that night, I would have. It would have been grueling and painful, but at least in the end I'd have chosen my own destiny, instead of it being chosen for me. Edward was stunned when I refused to talk to Charlie and that reaction made me even sadder. It was clear that he hadn't believed me when I told him that I could fix myself and let go of Charlie to a certain extent and his shock that I could actually say no to Charlie hurt me. I understood why Edward would feel that way, but it didn't make it hurt any less. It felt like he didn't have faith in me and the moment I felt that, I said my good byes and hung up.

I turned off the phone after that and kept it in my lap. Carlisle didn't seem to mind that I held on to the phone because he didn't ask for it. He probably thought I wanted to hold onto it in case Edward called again, but I held it because I wanted to ensure that it stayed off.

When we got home, I brushed past an annoyed Alice without acknowledgment and went straight up to my room and locked myself in before anyone could start badgering me. I was exhausted and I really wanted to just sleep and forget about it all.

I kicked off my shoes, took off my sweater and crawled into bed.

* * *

I don't know what brought on the dream because I hadn't thought about Marcus nor visited his room in a while, but somewhere in the midst of one of the deepest sleep sessions I had ever had, I saw Marcus and I knew it was him even though he shared the same face as Edward. He looked like he would have if he was still alive, or at least the way I imagined he would look; tall and lean with bronze hair, vivid, laughing eyes and the same kind of sharp bone structure like Edward's. He was leaning against the outer wall at the back of the warehouse, facing the Oak with the same held posture like Edward. His arms were folded lazily across his chest, his head was slightly bent and his feet were crossed at his ankles. When he raised his head to look at me, my heart fluttered and his symmetrical smile stole my breath. His body was skinnier than Edward's which gave him a slightly lankier look, but for all that he was just as striking and captivating as his brother and I wondered for a brief moment if his death was the universe's way of balancing itself out. Maybe all that beauty was too much to contain in a singe lifetime. Edward alone was disrupting enough, but the two of them together? That might have been paradoxical.

"Thank you," he said in a whisper of a voice that I almost didn't hear. I took a step forward. My heart was pounding so hard that I was sure it rattled even in my actual body as I slept.

"For what?" I asked in wonder as I stared, wondering if I had tried to touch him in my dream if I would feel him or if he would even let me.

"For saving him," he smiled as his head bent to the side again slightly. He was beautiful.

I almost gagged on the lump in my throat and I wished more than ever before that he was still alive because even in the faintness of his aura, he was enigmatic and like pure life.

"What do you mean?" I asked, moving closer to him, _very_ slowly, as if I was creeping up on a sleeping cat.

He continued to smile mysteriously at me and then he turned his face up toward the Oak, and though I wanted to follow his gaze, I couldn't pull my eyes away from his face.

"You know what I mean. You've touched him in a way I thought was impossible. He gave you the keys," then he looked at me again and his image started to fade too soon. "Allow him to save you too."

"Wait," I gasped. My heart lurched and I reached forward in a panic. "Don't go yet. I wish you would stay."

"I can't control it," he said and shook his head.

"Will I see you again?"

But he didn't answer. He only winked at me and he smiled mysteriously until his face vanished among the whispers of the leaves falling from the large Oak tree.

I ran to the spot where he stood just a moment ago and passed my hands over the wall where he leaned, feeling as if I had lost something I never knew I had. I grabbed onto my chest in despair until the sensation of another pair of eyes touched me and I spun around in alarm toward the Oak, but there was no one there. A chill raised my pores and I felt bolted to that spot, weaker in my eyesight as the entire scene started to fade around me just as Marcus had.

I opened my eyes sleepily and it took a while before they adjusted to the light in my room. I was on my side facing the door which strangely enough, was open. I was sure that I had closed it behind me when I went in to sleep.

The harsh memories of the night before came rushing back to me then; the thorough and lengthy orgasm, sneaking out in the middle of the night, the airport, being found by Esme and Carlisle and dragged back home, the phone call…..Edward.

When my eyes and my mental faculties finally readjusted itself to reality and I still hadn't budged, a small movement at the foot of my bed caught my attention and I shifted my eyes down half expecting to see Alice or Esme with an impertinent expression on either of their faces. But the face that I found with my groggy eyes was neither Alice's nor Esme's; and for a moment I thought that maybe I was still dreaming or perhaps the image of the face in my dream had followed me out and materialized as a hallucination, trying to fool me into believing that he was real. I stared into the other pair of eyes for a while, unmoving, still in the same position that I had just awaken in, if in fact I was actually awake; and in silent fervor the pair of eyes stared back.

His hair was long and overgrown and the ends flicked against his eyelashes every time he blinked. His face was covered in mild scruff and he had the smallest of crooked smiles on his lips, just slightly upturned on one end. His eyes held the depth of more than a hundred years, but it was what he did next that pulled me out of my dreamlike trance and woke me up completely. He raised a hand and pushed his fingers through the hair that had fallen into his eyes.

I pinned my eyebrows together as my heart took off in a rapid and thunderous rhythm inside of my chest, so hard that it hurt and I started to push my body up very slowly on one hand, very carefully, lest the image fade away on the account of any sudden movement I made. He was kneeling on the floor, leaning over onto the foot of my bed on his elbows and his eyes never shifted away from mine. I frowned even harder when he blinked, both confused and staggered by the realness of the vision, but most of all afraid that it was only a hallucination, a clear sign that I was lost in my mind, and that at any moment he would vanish. I think I even stopped breathing.

"Hello," he said, and that was definitely his voice.

But all I could do in my state of awe was freeze in the moment and stare at him.


	54. Chapter 54 Double Edged Sword

**Chapter 54**

**Double Edged Sword (BPOV)**

Sometimes, the miracle we ask and hope for doesn't come true because without knowing it, there is actually another, an infinite amount of times better on its way. And sometimes even though we don't deserve it, after all the bitter arguments with the gods above and all the distrust in the natural mechanism of the universe; we get a moment of reprieve - reviving the notion in our heads that just maybe there really _is_ an angel out there assigned to every one of us, and every now and again he allows the most amazing of blessings to slip through his fingers and fall upon us. He allows the miracle.

While sitting in the Forks airport I thought my miracle was getting on that plane without obstacle, and I thought that I had lost my miracle when Esme and Carlisle showed up and promptly whisked me away. I never believed for an instant that the real miracle was already in conception, about to make its way to me, all clad in black leather and covered in beautiful, edgy scruff and overgrown tufts of messy hair. I never thought that Edward, my miracle, was on his way back to Forks and that the next time I opened my eyes he would be there in the flesh, gazing back at me with every indescribable kind of emotion searing out through his beautifully tired eyes.

"You asshole," I grinned at him the moment I regained the use of my senses and sat upright on my bed. I didn't know what time it was or how long I had been asleep but I felt incredibly rested. "Do you have _any _idea what you've put me through?"

He widened his eyes and laughed in surprise and it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.

"Best first words ever," he grinned as blatant relief washed over his face. "Yet again."

He wasted no time in attempting to close the gap between us, but as he moved in closer I tensed involuntarily as his scent hit me with full blast. It was even more overwhelming than I remembered; potent, sweet, smoky, natural, and hypnotic; the very part of him that was almost the end of me in his absence. When he saw my reaction he stopped mid air, just a few inches away from my face with a renewed look of anxiety and hesitation in his eyes. He was waiting for me to tell him that it was ok to be close to me again and ok to rekindle what had been dormant between us over the past long weeks.

It was more than ok. It was my sustenance and the only thing that would ever ensure my survival from then on, but I was appalled by the state he had found me in and because I had pictured our reunion being a hell of a lot less compromising than it was, I got self conscious. After the night I had, the thought of _this_ being the first he saw of me after being away for so long made me cringe inwardly. For the first time since I'd known myself I was acutely aware of and embarrassed by my appearance, especially in light of the fact that Edward had never looked better to me. The scruffy, edgy look suited him perfectly. It was sexy and exciting and it effortlessly cast me in an inferior light.

"You're here," I whispered and he pulled up one side of his mouth in his lazy smile and nodded with glazed eyes.

"I'm here."

My eyes roamed over his face and hair and I raised my hand to touch his face, just to make sure that he was real. His eyes closed when I touched him and he inhaled deeply and turned his face into my palm and kissed it.

"It's you," I uttered in disbelief, still unable to comprehend how he had gotten to Forks so quickly. The last time I was awake he was in Florida talking to me on Carlisle's cell phone.

"It's me."

The strongest urge to pee hit me then and I cursed Mother Nature for the interruption.

"I have to pee," I muttered awkwardly and he grinned and pulled back slightly for me to pass. He was extremely careful about his reactions around me, I could tell. I saw him calculate every movement. He trained his eyes on my every move and it even looked like he thought about every word before he spoke. I scurried off the bed as my heart bounced within the walls of my caged up chest, bruised and battered after all it had gone through recently and somehow unsure about how to react to him now that I had him right there in front of me. I was still fully dressed in jeans, t-shirt and socks and on my way out the door I looked back at him to see that he was sitting on the edge of my bed with a thousand dismal questions in his eyes.

"I promise I'll….uh, be right back," I muttered and tripped backward into the wall next to the open door. I chuckled self consciously and shook my head at myself. "Clutz. I missed."

I backed out through the door with my eyes held steadfastly to his image as acute trepidation stalled me.

"Will you fade away?"

A frown flashed across his brow and he tilted his chin to the side. "I will not," was all he said. He had pain in his eyes.

Alice and Esme were in the hallway when I backed out and when I tripped again and fell back against the wall of the corridor like a left footed goon, their movement caught my attention and I looked across at them. The moment they saw me they started pretending like they were deeply engrossed in conversation, or maybe they were but the only thing that registered to me was the visage of Edward sitting on my bed staring out at me quietly. I hurried into the bathroom then and shut the door in haste, unable to process it all at the same time without immense difficulty and a shit load of nervous energy. Once I was behind the closed door, I buckled over in hysterics and trembled like a brittle leaf as his sudden and unexpected reappearance in my life broke through. My eyes darted everywhere around the little room and over everything, unable to rest on any one object. I wrapped my arms around myself and tried to control the shaking but it couldn't be stopped.

He was there, in my room, alive and breathing and…..smiling at me, like an enigma of the image that had haunted me day and night for the past six weeks; and though objectively speaking, six weeks might not be a lot for most people, for me, it was an eternity without him. And after all that, after being separated from him and missing him until I thought I would die from it, I didn't know how to react around him now that he had returned.

I tried to figure out my feelings. Surely I was shocked, but I couldn't pin point any anger or bitterness. All I felt was nervousness, anxiety, anticipation, relief and shock; nothing I had predicted.

With stunned limbs, I made my way to the toilet seat and relieved myself then I went to the sink and grabbed my tooth brush and tried to make myself feel fractionally better by not stinking as much. I glanced at the clock on the shelf.

It was 4pm.

Good God, I had slept all day! Well that explained how he made it to Forks so quickly. It wasn't quick at all. I had just slept through all of it. As I brushed my teeth rigorously with raised pores and wide eyes, I surveyed my face in the mirror. The image staring back at me was deplorable; white washed with swollen eyes and red, black and blue marks from my fight with Victoria. My hair was stringy and messy and the circles under my eyes looked blue. I spat in the sink and rinsed then rammed a brush through my tangled locks, all the while muttering to myself about the fact that he was sitting on my bed, and like an idiot all I had to say to him was I had to pee and that he was an asshole.

When I was done, I took a deep breath, stared at myself in the mirror and drummed my fingertips on the edge of the sink. I had built up that moment so much in my head and now that it was upon me, I was overwhelmed and psyched out by it. I was afraid of it. I was actually afraid of having him again because having him meant that he could be taken away, and losing Edward again would surely kill me the second time around.

"You're being foolish Bella," I scolded myself under my breath, but even _that_ didn't help. I was terrified of facing him again and my reaction to his presence caught me completely off guard. I had expected either one of two reactions from myself; either a sobbing wreck who would run to him and bawl my head off in his arms, or an arrogant fool who intended to make him work for his forgiveness even though I wasn't so sure anymore that there was anything to forgive. I never expected to turn into a stunned shell into which I would crawl, on the verge of falling to pieces within the confines of my bathroom.

No, I had to snap out of it because sooner or later someone would need to use the bathroom or I would have to come out to eat or something. So I really couldn't hide in there forever. I pointed at my reflection in the mirror and shockingly enough, a betraying smile tugged at the corners of my mouth because truth be told and above all else, I really_ was_ filled with unbridled elation that my Edward had returned with the most smoldering of stares in his eyes.

"You're psyching yourself out again," I pointed at myself in the mirror. "Suck it up Bella. It's only Edward."

Only Edward? Not according to my racing heart. He was much more than just that.

With a held breath, I stepped to the door nervously and took the door knob in my sweaty palm and when I couldn't hold it in anymore, I exhaled and opened the door. He was right there waiting in the frame of the door when I opened it and I jumped back, shrieked in alarm and ended up slamming the door in his face unintentionally. I winced as soon as I did it.

"Shit," I bit out and shook my hands out at my sides. "What the hell is wrong with me?"

Before I could undo my hastiness by opening the door again to apologize, the door swung open in my face and he barged in with an intense, poignant look on his face, slammed the door shut behind him and jammed his back up against it sharply. I stumbled backward and gasped with a hitched breath, and the small space in the bathroom seemed all the smaller with both him and me on the inside.

He stood before me like a brooding, dark angel, tall and lean with overcast eyes that had turned his vivid green to something dark and frighteningly searching. The trembling hysterics started up again and I had to wrap my arms around myself to try and hide it. He parted his lips then and let out a gust of wind so long and heavy that it seemed like he had been holding it in forever. With one small step toward me and with bare, naked anguish in his eyes he spoke in a husky, deep voice.

"I know it's going to take a while," he started to say. "And I know that it won't be easy for us to just go back…" he stopped to sigh. "…to the way things were before I left. And I know there's a shit load of things to say, questions to be answered and hundreds of new fucked up things to deal with…" He took another step toward me and I unwrapped myself from within my own clutch.

"But Bella…please, I've been away from you too long to give any of that priority right now. Right now, this very second, all I want to do is hold you, and touch you…." he reached out and took a few strands of my hair in his fingers and swiped down the entire length of it, sending electrical shock waves back up to my scalp.

"….smell you," he leaned over slightly and inhaled my hair at the side of my face.

"….kiss you," he turned his face in and kissed my cheek softly.

"And lose myself in you entirely, until all that's left in this world is you."

My eyes welled up with tears and I tried too hard not to cry. I let out a ragged breath through my quivering lips and stared like a dumbfound mute into his face, so close to mine that his sweet breath all but blew right through me.

"The rest we can deal with later," he pleaded, as he leaned in and brushed the tip of his nose right up the length of mine.

And just like that – he had me, like melted wax ready to mold myself to the frame of his will.

Every inkling of pain, bewilderment and anger I had felt when he was away dwindled. It all became secondary to the need to fill myself to the brim with him again. None of it mattered anymore. He was there with me, in the flesh, adoring and endearing and spent by the exhaustion behind his eyes from weeks of undulating stress; wanting me – even with my scraggly hair, sleep logged eyes and pallid, bruised skin.

I blinked back the onslaught of tears and swallowed the repetitive lump in my throat.

"I don't want to go back," I choked out and shook my head as my brimming eyes spilled over. He bit down on his jaw and something dark flashed through his eyes. "I want to go forward, and I want us to be better this time, so that nothing like this ever happens again."

That was all he needed to hear. In the next second, his eyes brightened and he grabbed for me with greedy arms. He lifted me up and wrapped my legs around his waist and grabbed the back of my head with an urgent hand, crushing my face roughly to his. His lips were harsh and more demanding than they ever were, exploring with a vengeance that shocked me but ignited a burning fire inside of my soul that could only be doused by the moisture in his kiss.

In that moment everything else in the universe ceased to exist. Edward was holding me, squeezing me so desperately against his hard body with all the volatility and unleashed passion of a million starving lovers. There was clashing of teeth, gums, tongues and butting of noses and foreheads in a heady depiction of clumsy ardor and frantic neediness. I tightened my legs around him and thrust my fingers into his long messy hair. We were fused together so tightly that the impact of our clashing, frantic movements threw him off balance and we went careening into the shut door, gasping and tearing at each other's bodies in brazen desperation.

"Fuck you taste good," he grunted against my mouth right before he thrust his tongue inside and sucked the breath out of my lungs. I was grabbing his hair so tightly in my hands that I thought I would rip some of it out. He didn't seem to care though. His hands slid down my back and grabbed my ass cheeks, then he welded me by my hips to his stomach, all the while panting and gasping for air amidst our raging tongues.

"I can't wait to have you," he panted. "I can't believe I've waited so fucking long to have you. I love you so fucking much."

There were still tears in my eyes and the things he said to me made me want to cry harder because I was so relieved that we could still be that intimate and needy with each other after everything that had happened.

"I love you too," I cried as I pressed up against him harder. There was no where else to go, no closer to get. We were fused to the point where air in its simplest form couldn't pass between us.

One of his hands let go of my ass and went up under my t-shirt. The feel of his hot palm against my bare skin was electrical. In less than a second he found my bra strap and unhooked it and I groaned eagerly into his mouth. The moment his hand came around the side to find my breast there was a loud banging on the door and we both jumped in surprise and snapped our heads toward the sound.

"Bella," I heard Esme call from the outside, sufficiently ruining the moment for me. I bit down on my bottom lip and gazed into his blazing eyes and refused to let him go.

"Bella," she called again.

I rolled my eyes and he released me reluctantly, setting me on my feet and pushing me away gently so that he could catch his breath and run his fingers through his messy hair. With a sexy wink and a half smile, he turned toward the door and opened it.

"We're coming out," he said to an impatient Esme waiting on the outside with her hands on her hips. He offered me his upturned palm behind his back and I took it, still astounded and shaken by his actual presence. When I walked out behind him Esme shot me a disparaging look.

"Mom… please?" I said to her pleadingly. "I need to be with him now."

"Not in there," she said with a warning look in her eyes. "If you need to talk, do it in your room with the door open."

She looked up at Edward then and I saw something unspoken pass between them. Esme pursed her lips and Edward shook his head slightly and the next thing I knew he was tugging me behind him into my bedroom.

He sat on my bed and pulled me down into his lap so that my back was against his chest. He wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face into the hair at the back of my neck and dropped a thousand little kisses on the spot there. When he was done, he took a deep breath against me and let out a heavy sigh, sounding as if he had just expelled a huge burden. I tried to turn around to face him but he tightened his arms around me and held me firmly in place.

"Don't move," he said. "I don't want to let go. Please just stay."

"I'm not going anywhere Ed. I just want to see your face."

He held me by my sides and lifted me slightly so that I could bring my legs up and around. I turned into him and locked my ankles behind his back, straddling him shamelessly, without the slightest care about who could see or walk in on us. I had waited too long to have him in my arms again and I was not about to let anything or anyone take that time away from me.

We were nose to nose and his eyes were closed. His hands never stopped roaming. One minute they were at the sides of my face with his thumbs stroking my cheeks, and the next he was stroking my hair and tucking it behind my ears, then he was rubbing up and down my arms, then he was grazing the skin at my back, then squeezing my thighs. He couldn't stop touching me. Eventually he settled for putting his hands under my t-shirt again where he rubbed my back with special attention to the area he had exposed when he unhooked my bra. His finger nails were longer than I remembered, but the soft scratching sensation against my responsive skin felt magical and it almost made my eyes roll into the back of my head.

"I can't believe you're here," I said with our foreheads pressed together. My arms were around his neck.

"Believe it. I'm never leaving you again. It's amazing, the way you feel to me right now."

I sighed and pulled back my face slightly so that I could see his face.

"What made you come home?" I asked. He pressed into my back with his hands and pushed me closer to him so that our heads met again.

"Ssshhh. Not yet. Just let us be for a while."

I completed the hug and rested my chin on my arm around his neck and I swore I felt his heartbeat come through his chest. His breathing was unsteady but his breath on my neck was warm and soothing.

"Bella?" he said and pulled me back so that he could look at me.

"Edward." Oh sweet heavens, it was good to say his name and not feel the gut wrenching twist of pain in my body anymore. One of his hands moved slowly around my side, under my arm toward my left breast at the front and when I realized where he was going my breath hitched and I closed my eyes. With his other hand, he came out from under my t-shirt and lost his fingers in the hair at the back of my head. I couldn't breathe, though I could feel my heart ricocheting wildly inside the walls of my sternum. The fingers of his right hand outlined the under wire of my bra and he effortlessly raised it up and over my breast so that he could hold me in his palm and squeeze gently.

He let out a shuddering breath against my face and I felt him rise in his pants under me.

"I need to touch every part of you," he whispered.

"Do it."

He massaged my breast and ran his thumb over my hardened nipple, making my breath catch and heave as the shock waves of his touch heated me up. I ground my hips down on his erection and made sure that I felt him right in the center. He closed his eyes and let out another ragged breath.

"You don't know what you're doing to me."

"I_ do_ know," I answered. "And it's on purpose."

"Are you sure you're ready for what this will lead to?"

"Ready? God Edward, you've been so cruel, neglecting to give me what I've wanted for so long. I think you know I'm ready, especially now."

He smiled and shook his head.

"Well _right now_ might not be possible with an audience downstairs, but certainly…..soon."

"I'm so tired of waiting. I never want to wait for another thing in my life."

I put my hand over his on my breast and pushed his hand into me harder, forcing his fingers to close in tighter around it until it hurt. He pulled my face down toward his with his hand behind my head and we locked ourselves together again in another panting, clashing of teeth. He sucked on my tongue and my bottom lip just as hard as he squeezed my breast and when he couldn't take the pressure anymore he dropped his both hands to my hips and ground me down harder on his erection.

"Fuck," he bit out against my mouth.

"Ok," I responded devilishly and started rocking back and forth on his lap intensely.

"Bella," he let out in a harsh whisper.

"Shut up," I chided and pushed my tongue deeper into his mouth.

He groaned and moaned and dug his fingers into my hips as if he was holding on for dear life. He shoved his erection upward and the steel force of it made me groan. I wanted more and the harder we grinded our private parts against each other, the hotter the friction felt and the more we lost ourselves in each others arms, slobbering and biting and just basically making up for everything we had to live without before then. It didn't matter who was to blame for it, or what brought us together again. All that mattered was that we had the chance to make things right and I was ready to do anything to prove to him how badly I wanted him and how little I cared about the past few weeks.

His cell chose that very moment to start ringing in his back pocket and I felt it vibrate against my calf muscle that was pressed up against him at the back. He said an ugly word then reached for it with much difficulty. With flustered and impatient movements he got to it and when I shifted to give him better access he grabbed for me and shook his head with a warning to not move. When he got the phone in his hand and it still wouldn't stop ringing, he pitched it across the room then resumed our kissing.

I giggled appreciatively and wrapped myself around him tightly again.

The phone started up for a second time and the fact that it didn't smash to pieces after he had chucked it surprised me. We both looked over at the squealing object on the floor and then he expelled a rough breath of air and lifted me off his lap to deposit me on the bed.

"It'll be Carlisle," he grunted as he made his way over to it. I glanced at the remains of mine at the foot of my bed and twisted my mouth ruefully. By the time he got to the phone it had stopped ringing. He picked it up and shoved it into his front pocket then leaned against the wall where it had fell, folded his arms, crossed his legs by his ankles, bent his head slightly and blushed when we got eye contact.

I felt my cheeks turn red. He was unfairly effectual with his striking looks and innate adorableness.

"What?" I asked with a smile when he just smiled at me but didn't say anything.

"How are you?" He asked with a sudden transfer of depth to his eyes.

That was a difficult question. Not counting the endless hours of pining, moping, self pity, anger and depression, I'd say I was…

"Alive."

He nodded and looked down to the floor, then shoved his hands into his front pockets.

"Thank God," he said. "That's a good thing."

"Will you answer me now?" I asked.

He raised his head.

"What made you come home?"

"Let's just say, you got my attention."

"You didn't want me going to Florida did you?"

"Of course I didn't. You belong here, where you're safe. And while we're on the topic, I hope you're all rebelled out."

I managed a smile for him.

"I don't like you smoking Bella, but I won't stop you if you insist. And picking fights with Victoria is out of the question."

He came over to me then and knelt on the floor between my legs, took my face in his hands and started to rub his thumbs over all the different black and blue marks there.

"Just look at what you've done to this face," he complained. "I'll kill her."

I tried to turn my face away, but he held me in place and brought my face down so that he could kiss all the spots that didn't hurt anymore.

"I started it both times, so you needn't kill her but I needed to do it Edward so please don't be mad at me. She deserved it the first time, the second time I'm not so sure," I said. "It made me feel better….for a while at least."

He dropped his hands onto my thighs next and nodded, then he smiled mysteriously and blushed again.

"Is it really true?"

"What?"

"Can you really feel me cum?"

"Like you wouldn't believe."

He got off the floor and sat next to me, taking my hand into his lap.

"Bella, you know I wouldn't have…."

"I know. You don't need to say anything."

"Yes I do, let me say it."

I sighed and turned my gaze out the door.

"I would never hurt you like that. You are the only girl for me and my sole purpose for being in Florida at all came out of how much I love you."

"I know Edward, you don't have to say it."

"You know, but did you worry?"

"This is a horrible first conversation to have."

"Answer me."

"They scared me yes, but more than that it made me miss you more and so….I hated them."

He picked me up and pulled me into his lap again and hugged me.

"I'm sorry I made you feel like that. If I had known I'd have…"

"Stop."

It wasn't his fault and I was sick and tired of blame being passed to the people I was connected to. If there was anyone to blame, it should have been me.

"Don't ever think that you need to stop being who you are because of me. You shouldn't have to stifle your urges because of some weird condition I have."

"It sucks though, that I wasn't here with you to see with my own eyes, the first time you discovered it. God," he gushed and nuzzled my neck with his nose. "That could have panned out_ sooo_ much better than it did."

His phone started ringing again and he dropped his body backward onto the bed and threw his arms out at his sides.

"Fuck man," he bit out. "What's the fucking rush!"

I frowned down at him and pulled his cell out of his front pocket and handed it to him. It _was_ in fact Carlisle. I had given Carlisle his cell phone again once we had returned home the night before.

"Yes," Edward said as he answered the call and reached a hand up for me. I took it.

"I'm not sure," he said. "In a minute ok? Geez, what's the rush?! We'll be down in a minute! Ok, I get it, fine."

"They're all panicking aren't they?" I asked. "Wondering if I've freaked out yet, or if we're having sex right here on my bed with them all downstairs?"

He pushed his upper body up and leaned back on his elbows and flicked some hair out of his eyes with a brisk head movement.

"Bella, we need to go downstairs now," he said sullenly. I hated the idea of going down to face the whole family meeting scenario with our parents and Alice and possibly Emmett. I hadn't even talked to Esme properly yet about my airport stunt the night before.

Geez, there was just so much to talk about with everybody especially since Edward was back but all I wanted to do was run away somewhere with him where we could be alone and uninterrupted.

"No," I said as I crawled off his lap onto the bed. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them. "I'm not ready for the whole family drama part. I just want to stay up here with you. I've been seeing _them_ everyday, but I only just got_ you_ back."

He sat up completely and touched my hair at the side of my face then leaned in to kiss my cheek. I turned my face sideways and blocked his lips with mine and it didn't take long for the kiss to turn breathy and impassioned again. He grabbed the sides of my face and pulled me away, then rubbed the tip of my nose with his.

"Please?" He asked.

"Why? They're only going to nag us and force us to talk about Charlie and my atrocious behavior, and all the God awful stuff that I wish I could just forget. Gosh Edward, I really am sick and tired of it all."

"But the thing is," he said. "If we don't, they're just going to keep nagging us until we do, so we might as well get it over with."

"Crud," I grunted. Why was it so hard for them to understand that Edward and I needed time to readjust to each other before anything else happened? "Fine, but they're not getting me to talk today."

I stood up and he grabbed my hand hastily. "In fact, I'm going down there just to tell them to back off and give us some more time."

He stood up next to me and the smiles in his eyes vanished as he looked down and squeezed my fingers.

"Stay next to me?" I said as I started toward the door.

"Wait," he said and pulled me back. I turned to him with an arched eyebrow and watched him collect himself, close his eyes, take a deep breath then shake his head and reopen his eyes. When he did, they were overflowing with worry and hesitation.

"Edward what's wrong?"

I got the peculiar sense that he was hiding something from me.

"I love you Bella," he said.

"I know."

"You never have to face anything alone ever again. I will not leave you again."

I sighed and nodded. "Ok."

"We're in this together."

"Yes Edward."

"Do you trust me?" He squeezed my hand.

"_What_?"

"Do you _trust_ me?"

"Why are you asking me that?"

He started to make me nervous. I searched his face for answers, but his expression had gotten so grim that my pores rose.

"You can't answer me can you? I've hurt you too much and now you'll never trust me again."

"Edward," I shook my head and looked toward the open door. "Of course I trust you."

He steered my face back toward his with an index finger.

"Then why can't you look at me when you say it?"

"I trust you," I said sternly with direct eyes staring into his. We looked at each other like that for a while and then he nodded, kissed my forehead and bit down harshly on his jaw before he took off through the door with me at his side, hand in hand.

He didn't say anything more as he pulled me through the corridor and down the stairs. With very step he tightened his hold on me and I glanced at his profile a few times to see his jaw locked so tight that the muscles there were popping and twitching. I could hear voices as we made our way down the stairs. They sounded muddled and incensed and I couldn't yet decipher whose they were. The front door slammed with ruthless force as we made it down to the landing and I gaped at it in surprise. Edward picked up the pace then and hurried into the sitting room, tugging me behind him now because my legs weren't long enough to keep up with his aggravated pace. He seemed even more pissed off than I was that Carlisle and Esme wouldn't leave us alone.

When we walked in I was confronted by the incredibly uptight and tense dispositions of Esme, Alice and Carlisle. Alice certainly couldn't hide her feelings. She looked furious about something.

"What's going on?" I asked.

Carlisle sighed and walked over to the window through which you could see the front yard. Alice folded her arms and her legs simultaneously in the armchair and Esme tried her hardest to smile.

They looked like they were fighting about something before we came in and at that point I turned and looked out toward the foyer.

"Was that Emmett?" I gestured to the direction of the front door with my thumb. "Why is he so upset?"

He was the only person missing from our chaotic family circle meeting.

Edward let go of my hand then and stormed off toward the front door. I followed him with my eyes and took a seat on the couch, wondering what the hell was going on.

"Bella we need to talk," Esme said. An uncanny feeling settled over me and I grew defensive immediately.

"Look, if this has anything to do with last night and my behavior over the last few weeks, you don't need to get so worked up. Edward is back now and I really think you guys ought to give us a beak and allow us some time together before we have a family meeting. I know there's a lot we need to talk about but, can't it wait another day or so?"

"It's not all about that Bella, and no, this can't wait," Esme responded.

"If this is about your wedding, I really don't think…"

"Bella," Carlisle turned toward me and passed his hand through his hair. "I think you need to do more listening and less talking. This is important."

I heard the front door open and close then and I noticed Alice's body tense up in her chair. Her eyes were positively livid.

"Then talk! I'm listening! What the hell is it?!" I cried out.

Esme got to her feet then and Carlisle moved to her side. He put an arm around her shoulders in a convincing show of fortified union and I nearly rolled my eyes at all their dramatics.

"Bella," Edward said from behind me. I turned around with a smile on my face at the sound of his voice expecting to see him and a worked up Emmett at his side, but what I saw wiped the smile clean off of my face and sent a jolt of lightning through my chest. It took the instinctive and immediate tensing of every cell in my body to keep me in place or else I would have fallen off the couch. Edward was standing with the most agitated of expressions on his face next to an equally disconcerted Charlie Swan.

"Oh my God," I uttered in surprise.

"Hey Bella," he mumbled as his eyes shifted over my head and hardened on Esme and Carlisle.

"Oh my God," I repeated as I rose from the couch slowly, my eyes fastened to the stress ridden face of my father.

"That's not God Bella," Alice bit out from behind me. "It's only Charlie."


	55. Chapter 55 The Unlikely Glue

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ED and Bells heat up after this.

* * *

**Chapter 55**

**The unlikely glue (EPOV)**

Just as I had finished checking in my one bag and ignored an advance made by the check-in clerk, I turned around and almost collided with Charlie.

"Don't give me hard time please," he said with raised hands. "Just give me the fucking ticket and we can go."

I blinked at him like twenty times before I could answer. The fucker had actually come to his senses and made it to the airport after all. I exhaled sharply and made him give me his ID, then paid for his airline ticket. He was incredibly defensive, self conscious and sulky the entire time. I could tell that he was _hating_ the idea of giving in to me, but I couldn't let him get off the hook that easily, no matter how much he pouted.

"So what changed your mind?" I asked him as we sat at the gate, waiting for the flight to be called. Somehow I had made it to the airport in time for the next direct flight out to the Seattle, and by some miracle it wasn't sold out. Whatever it was that worked in my favor that night didn't go unnoticed or un-thanked. It was like some form of divine intervention was present, because suddenly everything started going right, which was a foreign concept to me especially in that situation. It was almost as if Bella's and my stars had aligned perfectly that night so that I could get back to her as quickly as possible; and even though at first I thought I was leaving on a failed mission where Charlie was concerned, I honestly believed that it was the right time to get back to Forks and to put an end to the grievous situation.

The uncanny feeling that Bella had been pushed beyond her threshold of tolerance also helped to snap me into action and even though I had expected her to resent me for everything at the start of the journey, the signals of that actually becoming a reality frightened me and I had to do something quickly. I really didn't want to feel like the devil trying to claw his way back into heaven, so I abandoned my mission with Charlie and refocused my energies on getting back home to her.

What I didn't expect however, was Charlie's change of heart. He shocked me and I'd have been lying if I didn't admit that he even impressed me a little bit too.

Fuck, I wasn't banking on having any admiration for Charlie, not even in the littlest quantity.

He was uncomfortable with my question for some reason, and it was obvious that he was having difficulty with his answer.

"Why'd I change my mind? I dunno. After you left, it kinda got…quiet, I guess. And it's not like I had anything else to go back to anyway. I don't now what you expect me to say...fuck. So I changed my mind. So fucking what? What's the plan from here?"

I raised my eyebrows in amusement and inclined my body away from him with a smirk on my face.

"Charlie Swan? Did you…_miss _me?"

"Fuck you, you little brat," he spat out and turned away from me. He was completely embarrassed and if it wasn't for the weeks of overgrown scruff on his face, I was sure that I would see his cheeks turn blush pink.

I almost fell over laughing.

_Of all the absurd ironies_.

"Big fucking man like you and you're blushing. Hahahahaha! You fucking missed me you moron! That's classic."

"Shut the fuck up before I change my mind and walk right out of here you half pint punk."

I caught my breath and exhaled.

"I came here without you Charlie," I faced forward and started flipping through an abandoned magazine I had found on the seat next to me. "I'd already made up my mind to leave without you and I will if I have to. If you take this flight it'll be because_ you_ want to and not because I forced you."

Without even looking at him I could feel his body react negatively to that comment. He was such a macho mother fucker. His cop days were still very much in his blood and I know he hated it when I talked to him like I was in charge and like he was nothing but a dispensable annoyance of mine. He preferred it when I was desperate and all over him, losing my shit and falling to pieces in my anger. He preferred it when I was overtly dependant and banking on his cooperation with me, when I centered every unit of my miserable energy on him, because that meant that _he_ was in charge and that he was the golden key to me attaining my goal. But I had switched my tactics to acting aloof and disconnected from him, and he didn't like it one bit.

When I glanced at him, I was surprised to see panic in his eyes instead of defensiveness and the look in his eyes told me everything I needed to know behind his decision to follow me to the airport. Charlie didn't want to be left behind again. After all his time alone without his family, I was probably the only cretin who cared enough to make sure he stayed sober, whether or not is for his gain or Bella's. And with me gone, he'd have been sucked back into that spiraling world of darkness, drugs, alcohol, loneliness and late night death wishes.

I leaned over to him a little then and sniffed. It wouldn't have been far fetched to expect that he'd head straight for a bar once he was free, but apparently he didn't, because he still smelled clean and the same way he did when I had left him at the motel. He smelled like my aftershave and the fact that he insisted on splashing my aftershave all over himself everyday for the past few weeks made me roll my eyes in resignation. He was such a child, using the stuff on purpose just because I wouldn't allow him to shave. I had refused to keep razors in the room seeing that he was on suicide watch. His insistence on using the aftershave when he didn't shave was nothing but a childish protest and cry for attention and much to his frustration, he never got me to react about it. I didn't shave either out of principle and as long as he didn't _drink_ the stuff, I let him do whatever the fuck he wanted with it.

"Why don't you just _ask_ me if I had a drink?" He shook his head insolently after I had sniffed him.

The audacity of _me_…right.

"Because your body won't lie to me," I answered and turned back to the magazine in my hands.

"You think you have me all figured out don't you," he said sarcastically. "Arrogant prick."

And that's how we went for the better part of our hour and a half wait; back and forth, bickering and bantering like two grumpy old men with an unhealthy dependency on each other. Like it or not, and though I tried to be all aloof about not needing him to get on that plane with me, I secretly rejoiced in the fact that he showed up after all. It was a miracle and I almost fucking overflowed in radiant glee.

I really _did_ need the man. I needed him to come back with me and help to get Bella better, because as much as she claimed to be able to nullify his effect on her, instinctively I felt that she wouldn't be able to go all the way to full recovery without him. So in that respect, I was dependent on him.

I think he knew from very early on how dependant he was on me too. I was his link to mending his relationship with his daughters and he knew also that if he was to ever get better, he would need to get his ass into rehab and I was his free link to that help he thought he didn't want at first. I was his link to that, to the support system behind it and to his daughters.

As we sat in the airport and bickered like a fucking disenchanted, gay couple, I pictured him in the motel room after I had left. He must have stood there wondering what the fuck to do with himself. The atmosphere in that room probably shifted dramatically from calamity and chaos to deafening quiet and it probably drove him mad.

We flew straight to Seattle in first class and commuted from there to Forks, 150 miles away by taxi. He slept heavily from take off to landing and tried not to react to the fact that he sat in first class. He snuggled down under his plush blanket and gave me the stink eye then fell asleep. I chose first class because I needed to unwind completely before seeing Bella again. I knew she was upset and had been for six weeks and I wanted to be as calm and rejuvenated as possible before facing the storm that I expected her to spit out at me. I tried to be excited about seeing her, but my fucking nerves wouldn't give it a rest and after the first ten minutes in first class, I realized that nothing was going to help. I couldn't sleep, I had no interest in the movie nor the food or the beverages that they tried to serve and getting drunk in order to calm myself would have been a terrible idea considering my companion and the reason for going after him in the first place.

The moment we taxied across the Forks border, relief and elation swelled in my chest. I turned down my window in the backseat and inhaled the forestation on the both sides of the highway in rapt appreciation. I was never happier to be home. The sight of the landscape alone raised a lump in my throat and my nervousness started to melt away.

Every negative feeling that I had left Florida with had been displaced and I was amazed at where I found the strength to stay away for so long. I used to take home for granted, but it took being faced with the unfortunate existence and suffering of a man who didn't want his own life anymore to wake me up and force me to appreciate what I had left behind. My life in Forks was no longer a burden or an intolerable cruelty anymore. Suddenly, it felt like heaven compared to what I had just come from, and I made damned sure to never forget that ever again.

My life could have been much worse. I could have been Charlie.

I thought about Bella every second of the journey home and I thought about the peace I felt when I was around her. I wanted to purge myself of all my demons and do what I had to do to get rid of the fright and grief that had stunted my emotional development throughout the years, finally, and I wanted to do it with her.

"What exactly is the nature of your relationship with Bella?" Charlie asked as we made our way toward town.

"I told you already. You're not gonna get me to talk about us. All you need to know is that I love her and that one day….she is going to be my wife."

"What the fuck?" He bit out. "What ever happened to the days when the young man asked permission of the girl's father first?"

I shot him a blank look and turned my attention back to the passing trees.

"Whatever happened to the days when screw ups like you weren't allowed to be fathers?"

"There were no such days."

"Well there should have been."

"Think what you want about me marvel boy but whether you like it or not, I _am_ her father and I always will be."

"Try another angle. You fucked yourself over in that department a long time ago."

"Fine, here's my other angle. Are you screwing my daughter?"

I turned toward him and stared at him in awe for a few seconds then shook my head and let out a short laugh.

"That ball sack of yours is a heavy load isn't it?" I asked. "You have some nerve, not that anything you do or say surprises me anymore."

"Yeah right, like you weren't shocked stupid when you saw me at the airport. You were so happy you almost hugged my ass."

"I did _not _almost hug your ass."

"Just admit it."

I blew a sharp breath out through my nose and turned out the window again, trying to ignore him.

"Say I impressed you," he said.

"You're so fucking juvenile," I responded.

"Say I impressed you and I won't talk for the rest of the ride."

"Talk all you want. Forks is small. Before your second sentence we'll be there."

"You're such an arrogant asshole."

"I know, but at least I'm sober."

"Fuck you, so am I."

I'd been trying to call Carlisle ever since I spoke with Bella on his cell in Florida but it kept going straight to his voice mail. That was odd. Carlisle never turned his cell off. He was practically on call at the hospital 24/7. I tried at the house, but there was no answer there either. I tried Emmett's cell, but the result was the same. It didn't shock me too much with Emmett. I just figured he was asleep or something, because by the time I had gotten on the plane in Florida, it was the wee hours of the morning. I waited until dawn to try Jasper, but even _he _didn't answer and though I knew Bella's phone was smashed I still dialed her number because the sound of her voice on her voice mail pulled be harder toward home. It was ok to hear her voice after all because I knew I would be seeing her soon.

No one knew I was on my way home and it wouldn't have mattered much except that I had Charlie in tow and I would have liked to have given them ample time to prepare themselves for that.

"Make a deal?" I said to him as the town started to open up and buildings and cars were coming into view.

"More deals?" He grunted.

"Stay sober and follow through with the plan for rehab, and in six months I'll say anything you want me to say to you, or do anything you want. Scout's honor."

He frowned hard and gave me the up and down with his eyes.

"That's not an even scale," he said. "Six months is a long time away."

"Take it or leave it."

"_Anything_ I want you to say?"

"Or do," I finished.

He smiled mysteriously and turned his head to look out the window on his side with an amused nod of his head.

"Game on marvel boy. You're stupid, but game on."

* * *

We pulled up to the Swan residence at 3pm and I spotted Carlisle's car parked out front. Esme's car was there too and so was the Porsche. It was a long fucking night and an even longer day and I hadn't slept yet. Charlie was a basket case when the cab stopped and he chose that very last minute to try and pull a complete 180 on me.

"Deal's off," he said just as I was about to open the door and get out. I didn't even have to opportunity to focus on my own anxiety because I had his to deal with. He broke out in a cold sweat and bent over in the backseat of the car looking all out of breath and shit.

"Are you about to have an anxiety attack?" I asked. "Because this is the worst fucking time to do it."

"I can't do this," he grunted. "I can't go in there. What the fuck am I going to say? _Honey I'm home_?"

"Hmmm," I considered his worry for a second then shook my head. "You don't have to say anything profound Charlie. They all want you to do rehab and doing it in Forks is an added bonus. This is about Bella, remember? It's not about anyone else."

"They don't want me," he bit out. His body started going into convulsions and I glanced back at the house in panic.

"Fuck them. Think about Bella."

"Yes," he cried out. "But I still have to face the rest of them too. I can't believe I let you confuse me like this. This is not where I belong. I'm making a jackass out of myself."

I didn't know what to fucking do. I wasn't a fucking therapist and I didn't know how to talk him down or make him feel better.

"Look," I held my hands out in front of me, about to touch his back, but then I stopped in the last second. "If it makes you feel any better. I'm not a favorite in there right now either. Esme has always been suspicious of me, Alice might very well want to kill me and Bella, well…she's just about had it with me by now. I have my fair share of shit to deal with once I step up to that door too, but I can't not step up to it, not after all this. I think if you can make up your mind to expect the worst, anything else will be an improvement."

"It's not that easy," he complained and raised his head. His face was red and glowing with sweat. He really _was _wigging out.

"Hey I don't have all day," the cab driver said through the partition. "Either get out or pay for the rest of the afternoon."

"Do you fucking mind?" I yelled at the driver. "We'll be out in a second."

I turned back to Charlie then.

"Charlie, nothing inside of there can be worse or even remotely close to what you've been living through over the past few months. This can't be worse than _your_ version of hell. You've done and seen it all already….so what the fuck is _this_? You've _got_ this."

He blinked then sat up straight and stared at me as if he was boring into my soul.

I shifted my eyes away from his and pulled my wallet out of my back pocket and paid the driver.

"And besides," I continued, because the silence in the cab mixed in with the intensity of Charlie's stare needed to be displaced a bit. "No matter what anyone says, this is what they wanted. You _do_ belong here and that's why Esme and Carlisle agreed to let me go after you."

When I looked at him again, he was bending slightly so that he could see the house through my side of the car.

"I never thought I'd say this but, you're the glue Charlie. You're the one who's gonna hold all this shit together. Without you, it's all chaos and madness, especially with Bella."

"The glue?" He chuckled sarcastically. "Sure."

He started staring at me again, getting all serious and deep and shit and I looked away again and opened my door to get out.

"And stop fucking doing that," I grunted.

"What?"

"Stop looking at me like that, like we're bonding and shit. That shit will _never_ fucking happen."

"Six months marvel boy," he said and got out on the other side.

"Don't push your luck," I said to him over the top of the cab as I slung my duffel over my shoulder.

The taxi sped off and I walked up the path to the front door with Charlie lagging behind like my indecisive shadow.

"Edward," he called from behind.

"Suck it up Charlie," I called back without stopping or turning around.

Two steps shy of the door I _did_ stop, however, but for a different reason. I adjusted the bag on my shoulder and stared at the door with a nervous grin.

"I see you've chickened out too. Great!" Charlie mocked from behind. "So can we go grab a beer now or something - bail on this plan?"

I looked over my shoulder to get his face in full view.

"That will _never _be funny coming from you."

"Arrogant asshole."

"Septic alcoholic."

I turned back to the door and took a deep breath.

"Then what the hell did you stop for?" He asked impatiently, though he sounded more nervous than anything else.

"Alice," I answered him.

"Alice?"

"Just give her five more seconds. She never fails to…."

The door swung open and there she stood with the smuggest of expressions on her face, though not even that could hide the happiness in her eyes to see me. Alice fucking missed me. Ha! I was even touched by it.

"Still haven't learned to knock like a normal person?" She folded her arms and fought back a smile.

"Still glued to the kitchen window?" I countered.

She shrugged and I swallowed as a renewed case of nerves struck me then. I was actually there, talking to Alice on the front step with Charlie standing silently behind me, presumably still unnoticed.

"I think you might be losing your touch though dear Alice," I smiled with an arched eyebrow. "Or else you would have noticed…."

"Hi Charlie," she cut me off without a blink.

"Right," I dropped my head and stepped to the side. "Silly me."

Charlie grunted something inaudible then and stepped forward a bit. I looked at their exchange curiously. Alice was blank and almost expectant as if she knew she would be looking at him just then, as if she'd seen it in her head before, but knowing her, there was nothing magical about her abilities. She was just a girl who sat with her eyes and ears trained on everybody else's business and that day was no exception. I could bet money that she sat in the kitchen looking at Charlie and me in the cab out front and then when she saw us walk up to the door, she got behind it and stood there, waiting for me to knock, which of course I didn't.

But in spite of that her blankness for Charlie still shocked me. I expected her to be emotional or off-standish or even annoyed, but she wasn't. The poor bastard didn't even know what to say to her. He just stood there with his hands dangling at his sides, waiting for what was next. He looked pained. I saw him suffer in silence through her lack of reaction to him and I actually felt sorry for him.

"Hi Alice baby," he said to her, and that's when she reacted. Something flashed in her eyes and she stepped back and turned her face away.

"So you coming in or what?" She asked.

I had to shove Charlie over the threshold or else he wouldn't move and the moment I stepped inside, my eyes started scanning everywhere for any sign of Bella. I looked at Alice and after she closed the door she answered my unasked question.

"She's asleep. She's hasn't gotten up all day."

I nodded then sent her another message with my eyes to please go easy on Charlie, but she paid no attention to it. Her eyes shifted back to him and she stared coldly, taking in every inch of him from his head to his feet. He grew uncomfortable very quickly and shifted his weight from one leg to the other, then shoved his hands in his pockets and bent his head so that he could look at the floor.

"Where are my dad and Esme?" I asked.

"In the study. I'll go get them." With one last glance at Charlie, she brushed past us and disappeared down the hall toward the study at the back.

I looked at the staircase then and felt a distinct pull toward it though I stayed in place, because I figured it was only right to greet Carlisle and Esme first, and hand Charlie over ceremoniously.

I remembered then that Bella had said in our last conversation that she wanted to push me out of her mind and I knew what she meant was that she wanted to sever her connection to me because it had become too difficult to handle. I never for a second tried to compare myself to Charlie when she said that even though I could have. It took her a lot longer to even get herself to consider the thought of separating herself from Charlie that way, and even so…she was forced into that decision because of what I had done. It only took her six weeks to want to disconnect herself from me but I sought comfort in the fact that the nature of our empathic connection was different than hers with Charlie. She was in love with me, she wasn't in love with him. He was her father. And she certainly wasn't experiencing any of his orgasms. She'd probably have been suicidal herself if that was the case. So from that point of view I understood why the burden of her connection to me was harder to carry and in my absence, could potentially drive her crazy.

And despite the hatred I had for her bond with her father, I knew right then and there that I never wanted _our_ connection to be severed. I wanted her to stay like that with me forever and I would have done anything to make sure that she never again felt pressured to the point where she'd want to push me away.

God forbid. I would surely feel as if I had lost a part of myself if I lost that in her.

As I stood there in the foyer, I also thought about how I had failed her. On my one tracked mission to save her from her father, I had undermined the strength of her love for me by thinking that I had loved her more. It must have been obvious by my letter to her that I had felt that way. The mere fact that I thought she could hate me at all belittled her love and made it finite. She had to have been pissed by that and it would explain her sarcasm every time she responded to one of my texts.

I thought about all of that in the minute that I stood in the foyer and waited with Charlie and I felt like an abominable fool. Nothing was more important right then than getting up those stairs to her and baring my soul with desperate apologies, but the approaching footsteps caught my attention and I was suddenly bombarded by a barrage of hysterical greetings and heavy affection from Carlisle.

"Edward," he said as he bended the corner of the corridor. He grabbed onto my shoulders and shook me with wild relief in his eyes before he pulled me into a tight hug.

"Thank _God_ you're home. It's so good to see your face. Why didn't you call?"

"I've been trying all day," I responded. "But your cell is off or something."

He let go of me and frowned then patted his pockets to find his phone. He pulled it out, frowned at it some more, then shook his head absently and switched it back on. Esme stood beside him with a face that clocked a record breaking number of expressions all in a few seconds.

"Charlie," she shook her head and looked at him from head to toe. She was almost bolted to Carlisle's side.

"Esme," Charlie acknowledged and took a small step forward to which Esme stumbled backward. Alice hovered behind them, as quiet as a mouse. Awkwardness settled in the air after that and everybody started looking at everybody else for some kind of direction. Carlisle took the high road.

"I'm Carlisle," he said and offered his hand to Charlie. "Edward's father. It's good to finally meet you."

Charlie shook Carlisle's hand briefly and suspiciously then pulled away. "Ok."

"How was your trip?" Carlisle asked, making an attempt at polite conversation. Of course we were all still standing in the foyer like tense robots, so the polite conversation was obviously not helping matters much.

"Why are you asking me how was my trip?" Charlie asked and shrugged his shoulders. "It's not like I'm here for a vacation right? You all know why I'm here, so can we please just get on with it?"

Esme folded her arms defiantly and Alice stepped to her side and scowled.

I saw the recognition in Charlie's eyes the instant he smelt the attraction between Carlisle and Esme. It came off of them like some kind of sexual mantra that made me want to puke.

"Relax Charlie," Esme said. "There's no reason to be aggressive."

"Don't start with me woman," Charlie pointed a finger at her. I sighed and rolled my eyes up to the ceiling. That day couldn't get any longer and all I wanted was to scramble up the stairs to my sleeping beauty.

"Right," Carlisle said and shot me a glance. "Let's go into the sitting room so that we can talk. I'm sure you want to know where you'll be staying and all that."

"Whatever," Charlie said and followed Carlisle and Esme into the sitting room.

"He's such a prick," Alice huffed as she followed them in. I grabbed her by her elbow and stopped her.

"Hey, please, try to go easy on him ok? He's scared shitless about all this and when he feels threatened he gets asinine. Don't let it bother you. I really think we have an honest shot here at helping Bella and so we need to make him as comfortable as possible."

She raised her eyebrows in slight shock and grimaced.

"Well look at you," she said. "Defending Charlie and shit."

"I'm not defending him."

"Yes you are."

"Don't be crazy Alice."

Then she smiled mockingly. "If you say so Edward."

I poked my head into the sitting room and got Esme's attention.

"Can you guys handle this without me? I'd really like to go up to Bella if that's ok."

Esme considered it for a while then she nodded and asked that I leave the bedroom door open.

* * *

I looked at her sleep for a while from by the door, before I got any closer. There was nothing more completing than the sight of her at rest, laying on her side in a sleep slackened crouch with her hair spilled everywhere around her. I exhaled a heavy breath of air as every hair on my body raised. She was as still and as pale as death and the evidence of her pain was marked on her brow, faintly pulled together even as she slept. I took another step into the room the scent of baby talc made me smile.

My Bella.

The next thing to hit me were the little blue and black spots on her face and my heart almost stopped before I remembered that she had been in a fight recently and those had to have been her bruises. I made my way over to her side then as quietly as I could and squatted near her face.

She was so beautiful.

I gazed at her with a spasmodic heart and though I tried not to touch because I didn't want to wake her just yet, I couldn't deny my thirsting fingers the pleasure of reacquainting themselves with her warmth, her skin. As gently as I could I touched her bruises one at a time, then kissed my fingers and touched them again.

For a moment I thought I had awakened her when she parted her lips and inhaled. I pulled my hand away quickly and watched as she settled back into oblivion, then I moved down to the foot of the bed and sat on the floor among the scattered pieces of her phone. I stayed with her like that and watched her sleep as a thousand heightened emotions ran through me. My eyes roamed over her entire body from the crown of her head to her little socked feet, and I fell in love with every part of her all over again. She slept for the better part of an hour with me at the foot of her bed and as the minutes ticked by I grew more and more anxious for the moment when she would open her eyes.

I didn't know what to expect when I finally saw them flutter open, but my heart skipped and I pushed myself up on my knees so that I could lean over onto the bed. She looked down at me when I moved and for a while her eyes said nothing to me. They were blank and empty. It took a few seconds, but I saw that emptiness fill up with awe and disbelief as she tried to sit up.

"Hello," I said to her, but for a while all she did was stare.

* * *

If I thought that I had loved Bella before, I was wrong. It couldn't have been called love if what I felt rush through me that day once I had her in my arms again was anything to compare it with. Words alone could do no justice to describe how deep she took me. In a heartbeat she threw everything negative out through the window and accepted me without a trace of bitterness in her soul. I confirmed to myself once again that nothing short of a direct command from God himself would ever be strong enough to part me from her again. I almost cried as I welded her to me. I lost myself in our collision of raw, wanton emotion and had it not been for her mother's knock on the door, I'd have jammed her right against the bathroom sink and started tearing her clothes off. I was_ that_ fucking gone.

The fact that she didn't ask about Charlie surprised me too. Even after we were in her bedroom again and she had the opportunity to ask, she didn't. She was completely focused on me and I loved that.

_Finally_, I thought smugly. _He is where he belongs in her mind. Behind _me_. Fuck yeah._

I didn't tell her that he was downstairs because I was enjoying being with her so much and I thought that we deserved some time together without unpleasant distractions. I knew I would have to tolerate him in our lives everyday after that, so a few minutes of her without him in my fucking way was well worth the omission.

The incessant phone calls from Carlisle however sufficiently burst my bubble and I had to take her downstairs and plunge her into a situation that was sure to follow us around everyday from then on.

The slamming front door alarmed me and I just knew it was Charlie storming out like a spoilt and temperamental mother fucker. Of course Bella naturally assumed that it was Emmett acting up because she didn't know Charlie was there, but I didn't have time to explain. He could have been halfway to Splitsville for all I knew, so without a second thought I rushed out behind him.

"Where the fuck are you going Charlie?" I ran out into the street behind him. He spun around and came at me with daggers in his eyes and his nasty temper.

"You got me to come up here, got me to agree to _fucking_ rehab and got me to face my family again," he screamed in my face, "….but _somehow_ you failed to mention the part about me moving in with my ex wife's _husband-to-be_!"

I almost laughed.

"Oh," I said and put my hands on my hips.

"Oh? He screamed with flailing arms. "Fucking _Oh_? That's all you have to say is _OHH_?"

_And they said_I_ needed anger management therapy._

"Ok so I'd be pissed off too if I were you," I started. "But you really shouldn't get so worked up about it. If you don't want to move in with us, you don't have to. No one will force you Charlie. We'll find another way."

"What a fucking joke. I don't care if your house is the size of the fucking galactic galaxy, I'm not doing it! How the_ fuck_ can they even ask me that? And YOU!"

"Me?"

"Why didn't you tell me about this sooner? Your fucking father is marrying my wife and you didn't say anything."

"Hmmm, ex wife," I said with a raised finger. "And I didn't tell you because honestly…I forgot about that, and besides, it had nothing to do with why I was in Florida."

He turned around, took a few agitated steps away from me, then turned back and resumed his position up in my face.

"Remember Charlie, they didn't know you were coming. So they're a little hasty and panicky with trying to put things in place and we really do have to find a place for you. I'm sure it wasn't intended to be an insult or a permanent…."

"Listen here marvel boy. I told you, they don't want me here! Alice ran away from me earlier on when I tried to talk to her and Esme had to go up after her, leaving me all alone with fucking _Socrates_ himself, who by the way is _way_ too calm and collected for it to be natural. That shit just isn't normal."

"That's just the way Carlisle is. It'll take a lot to get a rise out of him….even for you. Though I'm sure he'd be happy to know that you compared him to Socra…"

"Shut the fuck up," he interrupted me. "You're having fun here aren't you? You think this is funny? I'm losing my fucking mind!"

"Look, Bella's awake now and she's downstairs," I said to him, cutting across all the hysterical babble. "Come inside and see her. If there's one person you'll be comfortable around, it'll be her."

His nostrils flared under the pressure of his heavy breathing. He stared at me in aggravation for a while and then he shook his head.

"This is the reason you came here Charlie. Like I told you before, this is about her and nobody else. Everybody will get accustomed to you being here in due time, that's a given. You knew that today would be bad but not everyday will be bad. Bella will be happy to see you. At least you can look forward to that."

He let out a heavy breath and agreed to go back in.

"One more thing," I said just before we walked back in. "She doesn't know you're here yet."

"Shit."

* * *

I knew she'd be shocked to see him but I also thought her shock would have been short lived and quickly replaced by emotional hugging and crying and teary eyed '_Daddy, Daddy's'_; which was why I was almost floored by the stringent resentment in her eyes and the coldness that fell over her features after her shock wore off.

Time froze for everybody as we witnessed the exchange between them. This was the moment of truth, the reunion between Bella and her Charlie, the man she had pined, grieved and suffered for. The man she loved so blindly that I had to push my ass halfway across the country just so that I could sneak a slap to his face…but apparently, our Bella had changed while I was away and I think the shock of it hit me harder than everybody else. She got to her feet with balled fists at her sides, took a few labored steps around the sofa and stood before him with the most contentious glare I had ever seen come out of those doe brown eyes. Charlie made it a point to shoot me the stink eye then and I half expected him to spit out _"Liar liar pants on fire!"_

After a long silence with her staring at him like she wanted to kill him and many awkward glances between me and the rest of the family, she spoke.

"I can't believe you're here."

Charlie sighed depressively. "So I am."

She squinted at him and took another step forward.

"But you're….you're…you're still…." she stuttered as her eyes ran over his face and chest frantically.

"Sober?" He finished for her.

"Yes," she nodded then pursed her lips. She flashed me a look that I couldn't read then turned back to him. More silence passed and Charlie was having a hard time relaxing under her pointed stare.

The rest of us stood there, barely breathing at all, waiting almost for their eruption of tempers to happen before we could scatter.

"I can't do this with everyone staring at me," Bella said and as soon as she said it, Esme and Alice started scampering toward the exit with Carlisle right on their heels. He and I got eye contact as he passed and he passed me a message with his eyes to leave them alone. I bit down on my bottom lip and glanced at Bella then squeezed her shoulder as a show of support and moved to leave.

"Stay with me," she said and grabbed my hand.

I nodded and pulled her against me with an arm around her waist.

"Ok."

"Bella," Charlie started. "As much as I'm intimately acquainted with your boyfriend, I'm gonna have to ask that you give me a few minutes please….alone, with you."

I felt her body flinch against my side.

"He's staying with me," she said defiantly. I saw the look of defeat in his eyes and I saw the determination in hers and I knew deep down that they both owed it to themselves to face each other and have it out if they needed to without me in the middle. They needed to find their way around the trouble that poisoned them and as much as I wanted to stay, their relationship and their connection had nothing to do with me. It was about them and nobody else and Bella needed to have the faith in herself to find her way out of that tunnel she had been living in too long. I wanted to stay but loving her to completion meant that I had to give her room to develop properly and conquer her demon, with me just a few feet away.

I squeezed her body and kissed the top of her head then bent down to whisper in her ear.

"I will never leave you again Bella," I said. "You have to trust me. I'm just going to the sit in the next room. I think you should give him a few minutes."

She stiffened and turned her face up to mine and almost pouted.

"I'll be right in the kitchen waiting for you," I said into her face. I knew she was afraid to let me out of her sight and the panic in her eyes was a reflection of all the pain and anxiety she felt when I was away. But if Bella and I were to have a healthy relationship we would have to know how to be without each other sometimes…..regardless of how uncomfortable or unbearable it was. Even thinking it was making me nervous, but I had to be strong for her, because she was obviously still having a lot of difficulty adjusting to everything that was happening that day.

She continued to stare at me as if I was crazy and she never loosened her grip around my waist.

"I'll be able to hear your voice from the kitchen. If you need me and you feel like you can't take it anymore, just call out to me and I'll come to you immediately."

She glanced at Charlie then back at me, sighed and let go.

"Good girl," I smiled and kissed the top of her head again, then left her with him.

The three amigos were waiting for me in the kitchen and the moment I walked in, Esme launched herself at me and threw her arms around my neck. I stumbled backward slightly on impact and looked to Carlisle over her head for some sort of guidance.

"Oh my God Edward!" She wept into my shoulder.

Yes, fucking wept, all over me like a sodden, bursting water balloon. I didn't know what the hell to do with her and the only help Carlisle offered was a half smile and a wink.

"It might help if you hugged her back," Alice clipped in answer to my obvious perplexity.

So I did, I hugged her back and all it did was make her cry harder.

_Fucking Alice and her stupid advice._

"Edward!" Esme bawled. "_Edwa-haahaarrrd_!"

_God, something else besides my name again please,_ I grumbled inwardly. _Carlisle, how's about you get off your smug ass and come hold your woman!_

"_Edwarrrd_!"

Fuck.

"I'm so sorry!" She sobbed. "I'm so sorry for doubting you and for giving you a hard time about Bella…."

"Water under the bridge Ezz," I said as I tried to comfort her. "No big deal."

"No," she cried, pulling away from me with a wet, red face and red eyes. It was hard for her to catch her breath through all that sobbing. "I have to say this to you….. or else I'll never be able to sleep at night! And you waaaant me to sleep _truhuusst meheee_!"

I sighed.

_What a basket case._

She took my face between her hands and started up again.

_Woman if you pinch my cheeks, I'm gonna have to…_

"I didn't think when you first got together that you had this kind of spirit inside of you," she cried. I wondered how she even saw me through the flood in her eyes. "I was so wrong. And I'm saying this in front of your father because I owe him this apology too. He believed in you then when I couldn't and he tried to fight for the two of you but I wouldn't let him. He supported me because he loves me, but now I know that….now I know that, I will never know anyone like you ever again."

_Huh?_

"You've given Bella and me an insurmountable gift just by the way you love her. She will never find love like yours again….never!"

"I know," I said, taking her hands away from my face. "And she'll never have to."

She swallowed and squeezed my hands.

"I was so scared. When I saw the way she was with you, the way she hooked herself and never looked back. It terrified me! You see how she is with her father…I know how she gets when she's so passionate about someone and I didn't want her to get hurt again!"

_Sigh, if they only knew._

"But Edward you…you have gone way and beyond anything I could have hoped for in a companion for Bella. I saw the way she looked at her father today and I….I'm speechless. I never thought it would happen. I never thought I'd see the say when she would detach herself from him and want to move on. But you did it. She loves you so much that…."

That was the moment Esme almost figured it out. She looked at me with deep searching, watery eyes and asked me without words if Bella had crossed the line with me too, but I stood strong and I stared back at her blankly and refused to let her see. What Bella and I shared was our business and I didn't want them all getting involved in it. I was not Charlie. I would take care of her and make damned sure that I never hurt her the way he did. I figured accidents might happen, because that's just how life was, but I was prepared to do my best to ensure that what we shared stayed between us and that it was not destructive; and I was more than certain that she felt the same way too.

"I think you've saved my Bella," Esme wept. "And you actually did it. You actually got Charlie to agree to rehab and to come here to do it! That's…..that's just amazing. You're amazing. Thank you."

I nodded at her to let her know that I was touched by her show of emotion and by everything she said and then finally she let go of me.

"You have my blessing Edward," she said. "Your father and I are getting married, but you and Bella have my blessing."

"_Our_ blessing," Carlisle said.

"Well shit," Alice said. "It's about fucking time."

"_ALICE_!"

* * *

**Note:** We're nearing the end guys. Just three more chapters to go and maybe an epilogue…crud. But don't worry, the next few chapters are long. 58 alone is over 10,000 words. I don't know _HOW_ my fingernails haven't broken right off and refused to grow back from banging on my laptop keys day in and day out.

I hope you enjoyed this chap. Hit me up with some love *wink*

BTW – are you guys thinking Charlie is kinda cute in a stubborn, want to wring his neck kind of way yet? No? Ok…lol.


	56. Chapter 56 You Owe Me Three Real Orgasms

You horny ladies are only asking for sex sex sex!!! Damn those lemons! Don't make me sell this out! LoL. I'm putting up 56 and 57 together in the hope that it satiates you a bit. Chap 58 is the big cherry popping scene. There I said it!!

One more thing. A few people wanted to see the conversation between Charlie and Bella in the sitting room, but the original story skipped over that…sorry. At the time, I thought that it was already very intense and I needed to lighten things up a bit. But if you guys really want to see it, let me know and I'll write it. I still have to churn out the epilogue too.

* * *

**Chapter 56 **

**You Owe Me Three Real Orgasms (BPOV)**

I don't know how Carlisle did it but in no time at all a massive restoration project had started on the warehouse and there were investors, medical advisors, construction and architectural people all over the place at any given time. The majority of the work was needed on the inside of the warehouse since the shell of a building was still in pretty good shape. I think part of the reason he achieved so much so quickly was the fact that we all had a quarrelsome, recovering alcoholic with a bad temper on our hands and we needed to pacify him quickly.

The living situation ended up being a major hurdle to get over. Charlie refused to move in with the Cullens and I really couldn't blame him. Naturally he was stubborn, so trying to get him to agree to something like that would have been like trying to force a square block through a circular hole…it just wasn't happening.

The other option was to have Carlise and Esme pay for him to stay at an Inn or a hotel until the Rehab Facility was ready. Needless to say, he spat at that idea too because the only thing worse than sleeping in the house of his ex-wife's fiancé was having said fiancé or ex wife pay for him to stay at a hotel and for his livelihood. His pride was enormous. So after much arguing, to'ing and fro'ing, and countless of tantrums and tears from Esme, it was agreed that Charlie would move into our house with me and Esme and Alice would move in with Carlisle at the Cullen estate. Of course, it was left up to Alice to decide where she wanted to be and I really hoped that she would choose to stay with Charlie and me, and not because I wanted help or anything; I was pretty accustomed to taking care of him when we were back in Phoenix. I wanted her to stay with us so that Charlie could get a chance at patching things up with her, but she chose the Cullen estate in a heartbeat and refused to budge.

"I knew she wouldn't stay," he grumbled over a cup of hot coffee three days after he and Edward had arrived in Forks. "And I can't even be angry at her for it either because I know how badly I fucked up."

"Ok…um…Charlie?" I shook my head, trying really hard to readjust my mental faculties not only to the fact that he was suddenly in my life again and living with me to boot – but to his new style of language. Swearing was only good on Edward and that's because he made it sound sexy. It wasn't sexy on Charlie and I wasn't accustomed to hearing him talk that way. "Can you go easy on me with the cussing please."

He raised his eyebrows and scowled at me.

"How the hell can you tell me about my language when your boyfriend uses cuss words like punctuation marks."

"I met him cussing. You don't cuss."

"Of course I do, I just never did it around you."

"Then how about we keep it that way."

"I'll cuss when I want Bella. It's not like I do it on purpose anyway. It just comes out." Then he spilled some hot coffee on himself. "Fuck!"

I sighed.

"See?! I told you. I didn't even know I was going to say that."

"Fine," I dragged myself over to the sink to wash up. Things were drastically different all of a sudden. For one, Charlie was living with me and no matter how hard I tried to condition myself to that school of thought, it still was every bit as surreal as it felt. I also had Edward again and he was trying very hard to make up for lost time by staying close to me. I even noticed that he made a concerted effort where Charlie was concerned, though I could tell that he was immensely irritated with him. They had the strangest relationship. They bickered and aggravated each other like Tom and Jerry; and while they thought they were being macho with each other, each one trying to prove how much more of a man they were….to me they just looked silly and it made me want to pinch their cheeks, ruffle their hair and spank them off to bed for being such bad behaved boys.

It was immediately clear to me that while Edward still had a lot of trouble acclimatizing himself to the concept of Charlie in our lives;Charlie was secretly very fond of Edward. He was always the first to pick a fight, even when Edward tried to behave. He would literally seek Edward out and say something that he knew would get on Edward's nerves just so that he could get a reaction out of him and because he wanted his attention. He was always observing Edward when he thought he wasn't looking and he took every opportunity to point out how much of an arrogant ass he thought he was. It stirred my heart and I thought it was adorable and I ended up liking the show they put on…sometimes.

"You don't have to feel bad about Alice," I said to Charlie as I washed his wares. "There's no way anyone could compete with the living accommodations at the Cullen estate. A luxurious bedroom with her own bathroom and waiting staff on call….not even Jasper could get her to move in with him over that. In any case she's leaving for college soon, so she would have been gone anyway."

"Jasper," Charlie said. "The boyfriend right? Sounds more like the butler. When am I going to meet him?"

I turned to face him and folded my arms across my torso. "Soon. He's working this summer, so his hours are…you know."

"Sure," he grumbled. "'Cause I've got 'stupid asshole' written across my forehead, right?"

"Give it time Charlie," I said. "You've only been here three days. Alice will come around. She has to."

He shrugged and walked out of the kitchen. "I'm gonna take a nap. Where'd I put the fucking paper?"

"Charlie…." I complained

"Sorry…where'd I put the fucking paper…_please._"

* * *

So he hadn't taken a single drink since he arrived in Forks, but I still didn't relax around him. I knew that recovering alcoholics had a very long way to go before they were in the clear and even still…they were never really completely in the clear, because temptation was always around and even though he was in Forks for rehab, Charlie was still a grown man with freedom of choice. He could have changed his mind whenever he wanted to. For the most part our relationship was civil, though we argued a lot as well. We weren't as close as we used to be but I was much more comfortable with him right under my nose where I could take care of him, and already I could feel myself letting go of that stringent hold I had on him all those years.

He moved in with me on day two and that day was as chaotic as it could have been. He fell asleep on the couch in the midst of all the moving commotion. I stood over him and watched him snore as Alice and Esme hauled all their things out in trips to a moving van in front. We'd had about fifteen fights for the day already so I was glad that he had finally fallen asleep. The sight of him on the couch was eerie. I had to hold on to myself to steady my emotions. As I watched, I remembered him back in Phoenix on a couch very similar to that one, drunk and slobbering all over himself, but that day he was just asleep and he was sober with no spillage to wipe away and no bottle to pry from his hand.

He slept like a log and the noise Alice and Esme made as they moved their stuff didn't seem to bother him. Edward came into the sitting room looking for me and when he saw me looking at Charlie sleep he came over and hugged me from behind.

"You ok?" He asked with his chin on the top of my head. I entangled my arms with his across my stomach and inhaled deeply. I almost tasted him through his scent. Being that close to him and having him hold me like that with the smell of him everywhere made me weak.

"He's so different," I said almost to myself as we looked down at Charlie together. "He looks the same, but he's not."

Edward moved his face to the side of mine and tightened his arms around me.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" He asked with his cheek pressed against mine. "He's not easy to live with you know."

"I've lived with him remember? Besides, there no where else he'd go and if this is what he wants, I'm happy to help him."

"But what about what you want?"

"I already have what I want."

"What's that?"

"You silly."

He kissed my cheek and rocked me gently from side to side.

"How is he sleeping through all of this noise?" I asked, still looking down at Charlie's sleeping form. "He's not even drunk."

"Nothing's going to wake him up, if he's actually sleeping that is," Edward said. "He has a way of playing dead but then he catches you off guard. I wouldn't be surprised if he knew we were staring at him right now. He's an avid eavesdropper. Hey Charlie, you fucker. If you're listening to this, I think you're a dick."

I turned around to face him and punched him playfully. I tried to scold him for his callousness but I was too touched by his familiarity with Charlie to care much. I think by that point he knew my father better than I did, because he had been intimately acquainted with the new version of him and I only knew the old Charlie.

"I didn't say thank you," I said to Edward. "Thanks for helping him and for bringing him home. I won't ever be able to repay you for that."

"Will you stop being foolish," he said and pulled me up onto his feet so that we were almost nose to nose. "You_ did_ thank me already and I told you not to. But if you insist on repaying me, I have a few ideas."

He dropped his face lower and started kissing me, and not five seconds into our kiss Charlie sat up and grumbled.

"Get a fucking room."

"Told you," Edward smiled against my mouth then he squeezed my ass right in line with Charlie's face and almost sent the old man into hysterics.

* * *

So far it seemed that Charlie was determined to stay clean. He chewed gum all the time and ate ravenously. I had no choice but to start cooking again and just like old times, I was cooking so that I could take care of him. The satisfaction that I thought I would get from cooking for him wasn't anything remotely close to what I had expected though. Sure I monitored everything he ate and made sure he didn't miss meals and checked his bedroom whenever he was in the shower to make sure that there were no hidden bottles anywhere, but I felt somewhat detached from him and no matter how I tried to reattach myself emotionally, I couldn't, nor could I figure out why.

We fell into a routine pretty quickly during our first week together. Edward was over everyday, we all ate together, Edward helped me wash up after every meal, Charlie picked at least five fights with Edward, he'd retire to watch TV afterward, then Edward and I would wait for him to fall asleep before trying to get some alone time. I encouraged Charlie to go out for walks everyday so that he wouldn't be cooped up in the house all day and also because I wanted him to know that he had his freedom. I also needed to know if he could resist the temptation to drink when he wasn't under my watchful eye.

Every time he went out, I sat in the kitchen in Edward's lap and waited restlessly for his return. He took longer to come back each time and the moment he did, I assessed him with restless eyes for any sigs of drinking then Edward and I would sniff the air when he turned his back, but Charlie always knew. One time he walked right up to us on the shared stool and pressed his chest into my face so that we could get a good whiff. Of course it created an argument right after because Edward didn't like him smothering my face into his chest.

So far though and in spite of all the little hiccups and sensitive moments, things were going ok.

There was only one very awkward and unexpected incident at the end of that first week when we had an unexpected visitor. Edward was over for breakfast as usual and he and Charlie were bickering over whether or not I should make French toast or scrambled eggs and even though I told them that I could make both, I think they just needed the satisfaction of biting each other's heads off first thing in the morning. They were becoming more and more like my two little boys instead of being my father and boyfriend. I rolled my eyes for the hundredth time, deposited their two plates in front of them then went to answer the knock at the door.

"Jacob?!" I gasped in surprise when I opened the front door.

He smiled openly and nodded.

"Bella. Hey," then he rocked back on his heels with his hands in his pockets. "How are you?"

I gaped at him in awe. His ponytail was gone and he was even bigger than I remembered him, all tanned and dripping with testosterone.

"Hi," I said with wide eyes. "Your hair is short!"

"Oh yeah," he grinned and ran his fingers through it. No adverse effects to record that time, thank God. "It's been short a while now actually. I cut it the day someone referred to me as Indian Fabio."

"Indian Fabio. Hahahahaha! Shucks," I snapped my fingers. "I wish _I'd_ thought of that."

He laughed along with me.

"Can I come in?"

"Oh…uh, sure?"

I stepped aside to let him pass, thoroughly confused about why he was there and so glad that I had pushed him away when I did, because Edward was back and I had done right by him.

"You look great Bells," Jacob said as I closed the door. "You seem much better."

The knowing look in his eyes made me uncomfortable and I glanced toward the opening that lead to the kitchen nervously even though there was nothing to be nervous about. Jacob and I were friends…used to be friends, and so he paid me a visit – no big deal right?

"Thanks," I said. "Sorry, but…why are you here?"

I wouldn't have been surprised if he was born with that look of mischief on his face. He never seemed to be without it.

"Relax," he leaned forward a bit and dropped his voice. "I'm not here to arm wrestle with your boyfriend, even though I know I'd win. I came to meet Carlisle."

"Carlisle?" I frowned copiously. "Carlisle isn't here. Why on earth would you come here to see him?"

"Bellaaa!!" Charlie shouted from the kitchen.

"What!!" I shouted back.

"I need more butter!"

"God Charlie! So get up and get it yourself! It's in the fridge!"

"What the fuck are you doing so long?!" He shouted back. "Get your little ass back in here!"

"She's not your fucking woman you ass bag!" Edward screamed next. "Don't talk to her like that!"

I sighed. "Jake, Carlisle's not here, sorry."

I was about to open the door to let him out when he interjected with the most curiously amused look toward the direction of the kitchen.

"He's on his way Bella. I'm ten minutes early. I thought he called you."

"No," I shook my head impatiently. "No one called me."

I shrugged then and shook my head.

"Well you might as well join us," I said with a roll of my eyes and made my way to the kitchen.

When I walked in with the looming figure of Jacob Black behind me, the room fell silent and I saw the immediate flash of something poisonous run through Edward's eyes.

"Morning," Jacob smiled.

"Hey," Charlie waved a piece of French toast in the air.

"Dr. Black," Edward acknowledged in a throaty voice. I stared at the piece of French toast in Charlie's hand.

"Charlie," I said. "Why do you have French toast in your hand? I made you the eggs. You said you wanted the eggs."

"He grabbed it right off of my plate and started stuffing his fucking face with it," Edward complained.

"So I changed my mind," Charlie said.

My face started turning red. It was one thing to act like idiots in front of me, but doing it in front of guests was embarrassing. I almost sent Charlie to his room and Edward to mine.

"Charlie give Edward back his toast," I said with a red face and folded arms.

"What the hell for?!"

"Charlie."

"She said give it back," Edward said. I glanced at Jacob apologetically. The only he didn't do was bend over and grab his knees in a laughing fit. He looked at me with feigned sympathy then took the stool on the opposite side of the island facing my two little boys. Charlie dropped the toast on Edward's plate begrudgingly then and pulled his own plate of scrambled eggs and bagels closer to himself.

"Fucker," Edward bit out under his breath.

"Sissy," Charlie bit back.

My new cell started ringing on the counter top then and I grabbed it in relief, dying for a distraction from the scene in front of me.

"Hey Bella," Carlisle said when I answered. "I'm on my way over to your house now. Dr. Black should be joining me. He and I need to have a meeting with Charlie."

"He's already here," I said.

"Oh! Great. I'm five minutes away."

"What's the meeting about?" I turned my back on the trio and walked over to the sink.

"I wanted Jacob to meet Charlie. He will be one of the doctors on the team working with him at the center, alongside two other psychiatrists. The other two are flying in next week to assess the progress we're making with the facility. Today is just an informal session with Charlie and because he is so difficult I thought it would be a good idea for him to know at least one of his doctors beforehand and get comfortable before therapy starts. I also wanted to let Charlie know what to expect from his treatment."

"Gee. All that for Charlie?"

"Well he's special Bella. Not only is he our first patient, he's also your dad."

"That's great Carlisle. Thanks," I said in genuine gratitude.

I looked backward over my shoulder at the three of them. Edward had gone completely rigid as Jacob used his effortless charm and charisma to get Charlie talking to him.

"Carlisle, please hurry. Things are getting weird."

I sensed the unspoken, suppressed agitation between Edward and Jacob easily. I knew Jacob had his opinions about Edward, but I wasn't sure about how Edward felt about Jacob and why. We had never talked about it before. In fact, there was a lot we still had to talk about since his return and even though we knew we had to start at some point, we kept avoiding the difficult stuff until it was absolutely necessary. But somehow I knew, especially after what happened next, that that day was the day to start talking.

"This is for you," Jacob said to me as I walked over to them. He pulled out a small pouch from his pocket and held it out to me. I looked at the bag hesitantly for a while without moving, and I looked at Edward look at it as if at any moment he would throw himself at it and tear it to pieces.

"What is it?" I asked without touching the bag.

"A few of your things you left at my place," he smiled. "Naw, I meant…at the office. When you came to my place you didn't have anything on you…with you. Anyway, it's the paper weight you said you liked, a pair of your earrings and the small map of Forks I gave to you. I can't imagine how you've been getting around without it. We both know what your sense of direction is like." He chuckled at the last part and sounded a little too chummy and comfortable with me for my liking.

Edward almost choked on a piece of toast then and of course, Charlie didn't hesitate to send a booming slap to Edward's back.

"What the fuck did you do_ that_ for?!" Edward screamed at Charlie and jumped off his stool.

"You were choking!" Charlie shrieked, fighting back a smile.

That would have been the most appropriate moment to have the floor part in two and just gobble me up right there on the spot. And Jacob's intentions weren't lost on me either. He did that on purpose. He purposely waited until we were in front of Edward to try to give me those things. He could have handed the pouch to me earlier on by the door if he wanted to, and he purposely made that slip about his place and his office so that Edward would know that I had been to his house – just in case I had decided to omit that part. I would have slapped him across his glowing face if Carlisle didn't choose that exact moment to knock on the front door. Edward was staring at me now with the blaze of an active furnace burning through his eyes.

"Somebody let Carlisle in," I bit out as I made an about turn and headed toward the stairs. "I'm outta here. You can go to hell Jacob Black! And take those things with you!"

I stomped up the stairs and headed straight for the bathroom where I locked myself in. Once I was on the inside, I grabbed onto the sink and stared into the basin, properly pissed off with Jacob and worried about Edward's interpretation of Jacob's unsubtle implication at some kind of chemistry between us.

I never even thought I'd be seeing Jacob on my front step again, far less in my kitchen sitting opposite Edward. In fact, I had even forgotten about him to a certain extent once Edward showed up. Things had changed so radically and suddenly that I had spared no moment for thoughts of Jacob. I knew by the look in Edward's eyes that he wasn't happy that Jacob had a reason to flaunt what looked like closeness with me and even more so that he had to find out about a supposed friendship from Jacob. I let go of the sink agitatedly and paced the small surface area of the bathroom, glanced at myself skeptically more than once in the mirror, bit on my nails, readjusted the neckline of my t-shirt, pushed some hair out of my face, used the toilet, washed my hands, played with the hand towel and tried to avoid the door completely.

After mumbling a bunch of insults at Jacob, I exhaled sharply and opened the door, hoping that Carlisle had both him and Charlie thoroughly involved in their meeting so that I could get a few minutes of reprieve.

"_Geez!"_ I shrieked in surprise when I almost walked into Edward's waiting sculpture in the middle of the door frame with folded arms. "I should have known."

He unfolded his arms and shoved his hands into his pockets, then leaned on one side of the frame and smiled….thank goodness.

"I'd say it's about time we started talking," he said softly with his head bent.

I blew a heavy gust of wind out of my mouth with puffed up cheeks and nodded. "Where are they?"

"They're with Carlisle. He asked for an hour. Let's give them two."

He took my hand and strolled into my bedroom and closed the door behind us, kicked off his sneakers and dragged the chair from my desk over to the bed and sat in it, instead of sitting on the bed next to me.

"Before you even say anything," I started. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I worked for Jacob. I should have. It was only for one week and it sucked. He offered me the job because he thought it was a good distraction for me and I agreed but…."

"_He_ thought it was a good distraction? From what exactly?"

"Ok, so there's no way of telling you about this without it sounding a lot more incriminating than it actually is, but really, it isn't anywhere remotely as intimate as he made it sound, and you ought to know that without a doubt."

"Bella," he sighed, closed his eyes and leaned forward into his lap on his elbows. "I don't have trust issues with you. I know that you were angry for a while and hurting a lot, so it's not far fetched to expect that you'd gravitate to someone if you found some kind of…._comfort,_ there…."

He said the word comfort through clenched teeth.

"Whoa…wait," I stopped him. "_Comfort_ is definitely the wrong word to use."

"What's the right word then?"

"Distraction."

He nodded.

"All he was, was…company. His company was a distraction from the pain of missing you so much."

He dragged the chair closer to the bed and rested his hands on my knees.

"Did it work?" He asked softly with his eyes on my mouth.

"He made me laugh sometimes, but nothing erased you Edward."

"But you wanted to erase me."

I swallowed and took a shaky breath and tried not to hurt his feelings with the truth. "I wanted to erase the pain, not you. I wanted you to come home….you made me so…."

"So what?"

"Angry."

He leaned over further and moved his elbows onto my knees so that he could hold my hips.

"Tell me everything," he said and his eyes dropped to my lips again.

"Your letter…" And when I said it, he closed his eyes and dropped his head slightly. "I couldn't believe you thought I was actually capable of hating you. _Hate_ Edward? Really? Didn't you know how much I loved you?"

"I was wrong."

"Yes you were. If you'd had _any_ idea at all about how much I loved you, you'd have known that _nothing_ could change it. The only reason I hurt so badly was because of how much I loved you."

"I realized my error too late," he said and sat upright again in the chair. "I knew you loved me, but I didn't think that I deserved you after the way I'd fucked up other girls, and I also thought…I thought that you loved him more. And I thought that I was betraying you by going after him, because you tried to protect him so much all the time."

"You can't compare my love for you to my love for Charlie Edward. It's not the same."

"I know that now."

"Going after him wasn't even my biggest problem. Leaving me out of it was. You knew I wanted to find him. I should have been a part of it."

"Bella, no," he shook his head and ran his fingers through his overgrown hair. "I honestly can't say that I'm sorry about that part. I couldn't have taken you with me. If you knew the kind of places we had to skulk through to find him and the kind of people we had to interact with….not to mention where we _did _eventually find him and in what state. I'm glad you weren't there Bella. I wouldn't change that part."

"It doesn't matter now anyway. It's over and I'm glad. You're here and Charlie's here and he's healthy, so now we can forget about all of it and move on."

His eyes were steady on mine, but they looked heavy and I knew he wasn't at peace yet.

"I don't like it when you say things like you deserve me Edward," I said with pleading eyes. "You deserve all the love in the world especially because of the love you've lost and had to live without, and whether or not you think you deserve it, you _have_ my love and there's nothing you can do about it. Please, quit being so hard on yourself."

"Then I won't say it again."

"I want you to not _feel_ it again."

"I'm working on it," he answered and looked down at his lap. "But I need your help with something."

"Anything."

"Go into their rooms with me?" He asked with a slight twinkle in his eyes.

My heart skipped and I couldn't help but smile.

"That might be a good place to start," I said to him then went to sit in his lap. I hadn't gotten much done in Marcus' bedroom. I had uncovered some of the furniture and removed the blinds to let some light in, but most of my effort had gone into the nursery and even though I hadn't been there in a few days, I knew the plants were ok because I had set the temperature right and I had left enough water and food in the pots to last a few days. A giddy sensation swept over me when I thought about my still undiscovered surprise and I hoped that he would like what I had done.

"Tell me about Jacob Black," he said, dispelling all my giddiness. I knew the heaviness in his eyes meant something and this had to have been what prevented his peace of mind. "I don't like the way he looks at you."

Was it so easy to tell?

"There's nothing to say really. I worked there for a few days. We talked a lot about nothing and...I guess, we were friends for a while."

"Why does he have your earrings?"

I rested my head against his shoulder and smiled to myself. He was jealous and it actually warmed me up a little.

"Because I hate how they feel with a phone pressed to my ear. For someone with next to no business his goddamned phone rang a lot and part of my job description was answering the phones. I took them off after a while. They kept knocking against the receiver and started to hurt and I guess I left them on the desk."

"You spent a lot of time with him." It was more of an observation than a question.

"What do you mean?"

"He knows things about you. He gave you a map because he knew that you didn't know Forks very well."

"Oh," I shifted uncomfortably in his lap and pulled at his t-shirt a little.

"Stop fidgeting," he smiled and raised my head by my chin.

"I'm not."

"You are," then he kissed my forehead. "It's ok, I won't get mad. Tell me."

"We spent some time together yes. We went for a few walks. The first one was by accident. I think we had about three more walks after that then he took me to the res one day for lunch. I saw his father at his house but we didn't stay. He took me to the beach to eat and that was the day I left the job and told him that we couldn't be friends anymore."

"Because you realized that he's in love with you."

"What?" His perception was way ahead of me.

He narrowed his eyes at me and I let out an exasperated sigh. "How can you tell after only five minutes with him today?"

"Bella. I am in love with you and so I know how to read another man's eyes when he looks at the object of my affection. Besides, trying to flaunt all that shit in front of me was an easy sell out. He's a man and he was trying to mark his territory on the parts of you he has, and I don't."

"That's ridiculous. You have every part of me."

"I don't have the days when I was away from you. He had those."

"He didn't get close to me Edward. I didn't let him."

"He got close enough," the same poisonous look that I saw in his eyes in the kitchen flashed through his eyes again. "But he better not ever try pulling a fucking stunt like that again. He tried testing me for a reaction today and because of your fucking juvenile delinquent of a father, I was side tracked. I won't make that mistake again."

I sighed and held his face between my hands. "Edward. It's not that big of a deal. I agree that he was a little less discreet than he should have been, but you have to know that once I realized he had developed feelings for me, I told him we couldn't be friends anymore and he backed off completely."

He shifted his eyes between mine in haste and the look that he gave me raised my pores.

"You are mine Bella."

"Yes," I breathed. "I am."

"I'm never leaving you behind again. You're right. If I have to go somewhere, I'm packing you and taking you with me."

"Well….I'm not arguing, but Edward, leaving wasn't the problem…it was the…"

"I said I'm not leaving you behind again and that's all there is to it."

"Yes sir," I smiled.

"One more thing."

I waited.

"Are you feeling any better now about the whole orgasm thing?"

I tilted my chin to the side a little when he asked that.

"I don't understand the question."

"You said that you wanted to lose your connection to me because of it…."

"I don't want to lose my connection to you Edward. Stop it. I was upset when I said that."

"But you felt that way anyway, don't lie to me…please. Let's get it all out into the open, right now."

My eyes almost welled up with tears.

"So I did, for a little while. But then you came back and I don't feel that way anymore."

"I'm fucking torn about that like you wouldn't believe," he said as he grabbed my face with his hands.

"Edward…"

"I don't know if to rejoice in the fact that you can feel me like that, or to hate it because it caused you pain."

"Well then," I exhaled and took his hands away from my face and rested them on my breasts. "There's a simple way to fix that."

He followed the path his hands took down to my breasts and smiled. "Tell me."

"You owe me three real orgasms."

"_Huh_?"

"You-Owe-Me-Three-Real-Orgasms."

He bit down on his bottom lip and pulled one side of his mouth up in his signature, crooked smile.

"Fucking rejoice it is," he grinned and then he lifted me up and dropped me on the bed.

The kiss he gave me after he crawled on top of me was wrought with tension because of the conversation we just had, coupled with the fact that we hadn't had a spare moment to ourselves all week long between Charlie in my face all the time and Esme and Alice's moving. Before he left, I was used to him mashing on the brakes whenever we got too close, but something was different about him since he came back. He was thirsty for me and he was always horny. Even when we couldn't be alone he would squeeze my ass cheeks, or brush against my nipples by 'accident' then wink at me. He was always finding a reason to touch me and the magnetism behind his touch was nothing like I had felt before he left Forks.

He pushed my t-shirt up and tugged it over my head. Then he tore my PJ pants off and flung it against the wall. He dropped his weight on top of me then and cupped me savagely between my legs over my underwear.

_Talk about going straight for the kill_.

I wrestled with him to get his t-shirt over his head and when I did and the sunlight from through the window hit his chest, the fine and almost transparent hairs on his skin turned blond. He pressed down on me again and claimed my lips in a greedily, working his fingers against the rapt and almost immediate wetness between my thighs, until I was begging him to tear my damned underwear off. He slid his fingers inside and the moment he made contact with me, I pinned my eyebrows together and gasped. His other hand was going wild, running all over the opposite side of me; grazing my scalp, touching my face sliding up and down the side of my body. And even in the midst of all that, I still wasn't getting enough of him. He still wasn't close enough. I wanted more. I wanted all.

"Take it off," I panted against his parted lips. "Take it off!"

He tugged at my underwear then and after a few uncoordinated movements between us, he got it off and tossed it. I wrapped my legs around him and started unbuckling his jeans, but he pushed my hands away. I tried again and that time he grabbed my two wrists and pinned them over head. When I tried to protest, he blocked my words with his tongue and devoured the inside of my mouth. He had me spell bound and gasping for air. With one hand he pinned my both wrists together overhead and with his other, he pushed down between our bodies and found me again.

I let out an eager moan and opened my legs wider to give him complete access to me. He was mine and I was his, there was no shame or self consciousness there. I had already committed my heart to him forever and so my body fell in line naturally.

"You're so eager," he whispered.

"I want you Edward. I've wanted you ever since the first time I saw you."

He kissed me again and slid his index and middle finger up and down my swollen peak and every time he dipped down lower then came back up again I cried out and arched my chest toward him. Instinctively I tried to get my wrists free, but anytime I budged, he tightened his fingers and held me in place. His kisses turned into biting and he bit his way across my cheek and down to my neck where he feasted. The combination of sensations was driving me _crazy_. The biting and sucking on my neck, the excitement of being restricted by my wrists and the brisk rubbing against my clit, all at the same time, was sending me into convulsions. I started to get loud and whenever I let out a cry he would rush to my mouth with his lips and stifle my cry with a harsh kiss; and only when he was satisfied that had silenced me somewhat, he would bite into my neck again.

He centered the tip of fingers right at the tip of my throbbing and hot peak and the faster he rubbed and flicked at me, the harder I breathed and the less able I was to control my groaning. It only took a few seconds more and a pinch was what sent me blaring over the top. I arched my back and tensed everywhere and just when I was about to scream out he pinned his mouth over mine and sucked the breath right out of me. I trembled and I felt my hips buck and twitch underneath him. It was amazing and it felt like it lasted forever.

When my body had finally fell limp beneath his and I started to respond to his kissing lips again, he let go of my wrists slowly and held my face between his hands. He kissed me long and deep after that and I was finally able to explore the planes of his back and tight ass with my hands. He slid his hands under my back then and wrapped me up in a tight hug, kissing me as if his life depended on my oxygen. I never wanted the kiss to end. It was impassioned and sensuous and it got me as close as I could to being inside of him. But alas, after a long while, he raised his head and dropped a kiss on the corner of my mouth and then on the tip of my nose, then he exhaled dreamily and smiled at me.

"One down," he breathed into my face with a wink. "Two more to go."

* * *

**Review! Then go straight to chap 57!**


	57. Chapter 57 One, 'Two' Many

**Chapter 57**

**One, 'Two' many (EPOV)**

She didn't see that first orgasm coming. She said I owed her three and I gave her one right then and there and I had to stifle her screams into my own mouth because I didn't want our fathers running upstairs to see what I was doing to her. She liked the bondage thing too. I held on to her little wrists because she was all eager and shit, trying to get into my pants, and as much as I wanted to and fully intended to burst that sputtering little flower on her insides, I wanted to do it right because we had waited way too fucking long for me to fuck it up by making it just about sex. I wanted to make love to Bella and I wanted her first time to be worth the wait; and if I had allowed her to pull me out of my pants, I wouldn't have been able to keep my dick out of her.

Before Bella, sex was not a big deal. Either I got it or I didn't, and I never had to work too hard for it. Girls threw themselves at me and I had found myself brushing off too many advances for someone with a personality disorder. It just went to show that girls were hypocrites. They preached one thing and did something different. I always knew them to say things like 'men only think with their dicks' or that they wanted a man to want more of them than just their bodies, or that a man's only aim was to get into a girl's pants without a care about her personality or who she fucking was on the "inside."

Fuck, from my experience, girls were worse.

I was purposely a jack ass, just so that I could scare most of them away but still they kept coming on to me and offering me the world through their bodies without a care about who Edward Cullen really was or what I had between my ears. No, they were mainly interested in what I had between my legs. They all knew I was a jackass, but still they wanted to fuck me; and the two times I gave them what they wanted, (Rose and Tanya), I still ended up being the prick for hurting their feelings.

When girls acted like sex aggressors….they were classified as "confused," or "troubled." On a bad day, they'd be a "slut."

When guys did it…..they were assholes, and pricks, advantageous pigs and all the fecal scum of the earth.

Before Bella, I was so sick and tired of girls and all the shit that came along with them, but thank goodness for her, because singlehandedly she had managed to save the reputation of all girlhood. Sex would never just be sex with her and for once I had put enough thought into what I wanted a girl to feel with me, emotionally wise. Her eagerness was refreshing and I knew that she didn't just want me because she thought I was fuckable. She wanted me because she loved me.

The other thing that made me want to be careful with her was the fact that her inexperience and excitement clouded her judgment. She didn't realize that the first time would never be as easy as just slipping into her, thrusting her into glory and then bam….orgasm. No. Her first time would hurt like a bitch. She would flinch and she would squirm in pain and it would burn and she might even want to cry….and knowing my girl, tears would definitely be a party to our first encounter which each other.

Since I had returned to Forks, trying to keep myself from locking her in a room somewhere with me and slamming her back against a wall so that I could thrust myself into her was like torture. I wanted her like the desert wanted rain and I needed to have her like I needed oxygen to survive and knowing how badly she wanted me too and how willing she was, made it even harder for me to withhold my carnal urges. Every time I touched her suggestively in passing, she would turn her body in toward me and find any opportunity to press her breasts into my chest. And when I winked at her, she would turn flush red and drop her eyelids, making her eyes look all heavy and lidded and shit. The moment of abandon was building up at an exacerbated rate in my head, but I knew myself and more than that, I knew the way I tormented myself about her, and if I had allowed our first time to be a slam, bam, thank you Ma'am scenario, I would have cursed myself for all eternity afterward.

The things she did to me that day, unknowingly, when she threw her head back before my eyes, and parted her lips to gasp and pushed her chest up toward me, spread her legs underneath me so that I could touch, and made the most toe curling sounds I'd ever heard, were indescribable. She sincerely had the power to render me speechless and I was never so turned on by a girl in heat before.

"If that was _one_," she gasped when it was over and she had gone completely limp underneath me. "I can't wait for number two."

"Number two is waiting for you at my house," I smiled and pecked her lips.

"Hell yeah," she grinned.

"Right now."

"Now?!"

"Would you rather wait?"

"No! Hey, no. Now! Yes now! Let's go?"

"Let's go."

"Why didn't I think of demanding this sooner," she said as she jumped off the bed and started to put on the clothes that I had pulled off of her. I chuckled to myself as I watched her dress in a mad hurry. I owed her an orgasm convention of redemption for everything she had to go through when I wasn't around, namely the torture of feeling my orgasms when she couldn't have me at her side adoring her like she deserved.

"What about our dads?" She asked.

"Carlisle will most likely go straight to the hospital from here and I think Charlie can fend for himself for a few hours."

She frowned slightly then shook her head in dismissal of whatever it was that crossed her mind.

"He's a big boy Bells. He can find something to occupy himself."

"I'm fine with that," then she slapped her thighs. "I'm dressed. Let's go."

I chuckled again and rolled over onto my back with my hands tucked under my head.

"As tempted as I am to see how far you'll get before you realize, I can't let you leave the house in your PJs."

She looked down at herself then slapped her forehead, which made me burst with laughter. She narrowed her eyes at me then and pointed.

"You saw me putting my PJs back on and you didn't stop me," she accused, trying hard not to smile.

I continued to laugh. "What? And miss the look on your face right now?"

"I hate you," she smiled.

"You love me."

"Yes I do," then she started to climb out of her pants. "Maybe I should take a shower before we leave."

"Don't take your time," I said and winked at her. She jumped on top of me then and kissed me all over my face with a hundred little playful pecks and already I started to feel myself harden underneath her.

"Baby," I laughed. "Unless you want our fathers hearing what orgasm number two sounds like, you'd better get to the shower quickly."

"Ok," she giggled then climbed off and ran away.

* * *

I left her to her shower and walked down to the sitting room, only to be confronted by one of the most odd and disturbing of sights. Fucking Jacob had his hand on Charlie's back and Charlie was smiling and nodding at him. I almost stormed in and demanded to know what the fuck was going on and why was Jacob buddying up to the patient instead of being a professional.

"I think it's an excellent idea," I heard Carlisle say when I walked in. "Ah Edward! Glad you joined us. Where's Bella?"

"She's upstairs getting ready. I'm taking her out for a bit," I glanced down at Charlie to see his reaction at the prospect of being alone for a while. Either he would be disgruntled at the idea, or too eager to agree because he'd want to sneak a drink or something, but all he did was look up at me blankly. I sat on a chair and looked at Jacob, trying to keep the menace out of my stare though I don't think I succeeded.

"Looks like Charlie and I will get along just fine," Jacob said to me with a smug smile. That fucker was trying to flaunt his supposed camaraderie with Charlie already. He was trying to rub my nose in it too and make me jealous. I wanted to claw the smirk from his face then leave the imprint of my fist right in the middle. He had no idea what he was getting himself into. Charlie wasn't an easy man to like so that show of mock affection for him had to have been a farce for my benefit.

"What's such an excellent idea?" I asked as I shifted my eyes to Carlisle.

"Jacob offered to take Charlie down to the res today for a fishing trip," Carlisle answered with a smile. "Isn't that great?"

"Wonderful," I grunted as I glanced at Charlie who looked child sized next to Jacob.

"Did you know that Charlie loves to fish?" Jacob asked me.

I arched an eyebrow and glanced at Charlie briefly again. "No I didn't."

"Oh, that's a shame. I heard you two spent so much time together. Anyways, fishing is a big sport down on the res and I think Charlie would fit in easily."

"I haven't done it in a while though," Charlie shrugged.

"I'm sure you're a natural," Jacob said and patted Charlie on his back again. My eyes moved to his hand on Charlie's back and for a while, it was all I noticed.

"Bella told me about your love for fishing back when you lived in Phoenix and about all the gear you used to have," Jacob said to Charlie, then glanced at me to see if I was listening. "I'll hook you up with some new stuff. I'm sure my dad will love having you under his wing."

"Why the fuck not," Charlie shrugged again.

I had to rest my head back against the chair and steady my breathing so that they wouldn't see my adverse reaction to Jacob. I didn't know that Charlie used to fish or that he even liked it, but here was this smug motherfucker sitting on my girl's sofa bragging about how much he knew about her father and flaunting their friendship again from when I was away. My mood started to shift radically and I felt myself start to perspire under the heated rage that was churning inside of me.

"It's a brilliant is idea," Carlisle said, getting to his feet. "And it'll give Charlie something healthy and constructive to do. Thanks a lot Jake."

"Fuck healthy and constructive," Charlie rolled his eyes at Carlisle. "I'll do it because I like it and for no other reason." Now _that_ was Charlie, the asinine mother fucker who took any opportunity to spit back in your face. If Jacob Black thought that he was about to have a fun ride down to the res with a new buddy, he was so fucking wrong. I was pretty sure that he'd barely make it halfway over there before turning around and kicking Charlie's ass out of his truck.

Jacob could flaunt all he liked. There was no way Charlie was fitting in with the peaceful members of the Quileute community. It was almost laughable.

"Jake, come see me in the kitchen for a minute before I leave?" Carlisle said, walking past Charlie. "Have a good day Charlie and I'm really glad you're comfortable with everything."

"Who the fuck said anything about comfortable but do I have a choice?"

Carlisle frowned pensively at him and thought for a second. "You always have a choice." And then he walked out.

"He's like a fucking great white wizard or something," Charlie grunted when we were alone in the sitting room. "He knows every fucking thing doesn't he? I'm sure if I ask him who killed John Lennon he could tell me."

"Mark David Chapman," I answered as I folded my arms across my chest.

"What?"

"That's who killed John Lennon. Mark Chapman. Everybody knows that."

He stared at me irritably and twisted his mouth.

"Well _I_ didn't fucking know," he bit out. "The apple don't fall too far from the tree does it?"

"How can you _not_ know who killed John Lennon Charlie? He was only one of the best musicians of all time."

"All _what_ time? You're still a baby. What the fuck do you know about music and time? You weren't even born yet when he died…"

"Doesn't mean I don't appreciate good music and the geniuses behind it, and I happen to know a lot about music thank you very much."

"What the fuck ever," he said and got to his feet. "I'm going fishing."

I could have guessed what Carlisle was talking to Jacob about. He was most likely stressing the importance of keeping an eye on Charlie and to be sensitive to his addiction by not drinking around him. All of a sudden I started getting nervous about the whole thing. I wasn't sure that Jacob knew what he was getting himself into, or if it was all a charade just to prove some kind of a point to me. His agenda could have been seriously fucked up and that left Charlie in the middle.

"How much do you like to fish?" I asked Charlie as he stood with his hands in his pockets by the window, waiting to be called on by Jacob. He shrugged and I noticed that he was still wearing some of my clothes. I made a mental note then to go shopping for him.

"Dunno. It used to be a hobby. I liked it. It was something stress free to do."

"You really want to go with Jacob, or are you just doing this because you feel pressured?"

"Why the fuck do you care? Besides, I don't mind that Jake boy. He's the first person so far who hasn't treated me like I'm a menace to society."

"That's because he doesn't know you," I rolled my eyes. "You _are_ a menace to society."

"I think you're fucking jealous," he grinned and turned to face me.

"Wha? What the fuck is there to be jealous about?" I stood up defensively and shoved my hands in my pockets.

"You want to bond with me," he grinned.

"Fucker, you are _so_ off."

"Sure I am. You can't stand him. That much is obvious, and you can't stand that he might actually like me."

"Shut up."

"You shut up."

"I said it first."

"Charlie," Jacob said from the entryway. I didn't even realize that he was standing there. "Ready to go?"

"Sure," Charlie said as he made his way to the foyer with Jacob.

"We'll be here when you get back," I said behind him.

"Yes Daddy," Charlie called back.

"I thought you were going out with Bella," Jacob raised an eyebrow.

"I wasn't talking to you," I bit out at Jacob. "Mind your own fucking business."

He raised his hand in mock surrender and walked through the front door behind Charlie. Carlisle was already in his car waving good bye to me.

I slammed the front door violently and shoved my fingers into my hair. I didn't know why, but I hated the idea of Charlie going to La Push with Goliath. I started pacing up and down, back and forth in the foyer like a wretched animal when Bella's voice made me stop.

"I'm ready," she sang as she bounced down the stairs. I had to do a double take just to be sure that it was her. My arms went limp at my sides as my eyes made it up slowly from her feet to her head. Those were definitely her ankles, her calves, her knees, her thighs? Bella was in a fucking mini skirt….and her hair was pulled back into a bouncy ponytail. And was that a hint of fucking pink on her cheeks? I blanched.

"Is that a skirt?" I uttered stupidly.

She crossed her legs by her ankles self consciously and scowled at me.

"No," she said like a spoilt baby. "Ok yes, but we can pretend it's a pants if you want….or I can just go back up and change into actual pa…"

"Shut up," I said and walked over to her. "Sometimes you talk too much."

She looked down at herself tragically and shook her head, turning an awful shade of pink.

"It's embarrassing isn't it?" She asked.

I had to laugh then because she was just_ that_ close to fucking cute'ing away.

"Why are you laughing at me?!" She pouted and folded her arms across her chest. "I'm taking it off." She turned to run back up the stairs but I grabbed her by her waist with both my hands and pulled her back against my chest.

"I laugh when you do cute shit, come on," I chuckled against the back of her head. "If anyone's gonna take that skirt off it'll be me. Leave it on, it's sexy."

I turned her around to face me and though she tried really hard to scowl, her blushing came through harder.

"Can we go now?" She asked.

"Um actually….slight change in plans."

"What?"

Just then, Jacob Black's fucking smirk came back into focus. I pushed him away and looked at her put her hands on her hips and tap her foot on the step.

"I can give you what you want right here Bella. We can't leave."

"Edward Cullen, you better start explaining or so help me God…."

"Jacob took your father fishing down on the res."

She huffed and tried to act mad, but then she frowned and looked confused for a minute.

"Odd," she said.

"Yes. Odd. I kinda want to be around when they get back. I have a feeling Jacob won't last very long with Charlie."

"Fishing?"

"That's what I said."

"With Jacob?"

"And his father."

"_Billy?_!"

I searched her face and I tried to find the strength inside to just let it go and let it be, but something gnawed at me on the inside of my chest and I knew that if I left that house, I'd be distracted by it all afternoon.

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"How come I don't know he likes to fish?" Too late. It was already out and I almost spat at myself when I heard how spoilt I sounded. She frowned at me and tiled her chin up and to the side, then she shook her head and touched my shoulder.

"I don't understand what you mean."

"Let me rephrase then," I sighed and tried not to sound like I was fussing. "How come I don't know that Charlie likes to fish, but _Jacob_ does?"

She frowned even harder that time and bit down on her bottom lip, which by the way was coated in lip gloss. She had the audacity to look amused by my question and when she let her bottom lip fall out from between her teeth, she smiled quirkily.

"Maybe Charlie told him today?" She said.

"No. Black said he heard it from you."

"Oh. I don't know Ed. I must have mentioned it to him absentmindedly during one of our walks. I can't even remember now."

I hated that that shit bothered me. I walked away from her into the sitting room and plunked myself down onto the sofa.

"What's wrong Edward," she followed me in and sat next to me.

"I don't like him," I answered.

"I know."

"Jacob, not Charlie."

"That's who I meant too," she said.

"He knows that Charlie and me don't get along and so he's trying to snake his way in. It's like….he can't have you, so he'll take Charlie instead."

"Edward," she smiled. "I really don't think it's like that."

"Don't defend him."

"I'm not," she frowned. "Are you…jeal…upset, that Jake and Charlie are spending time together"

"His fucking name is _Jacob_ and I know you wanted to say jealous."

"Ok."

"I don't want to fight with you."

"I'm not fighting Edward."

"You guys got close didn't you?"

She looked away, closed her eyes and sighed. "Not like you think. No."

"Then tell me…how close?"

"We were friends. We talked."

"About personal stuff?"

"Not really…no."

"Did you talk about me?"

"I tried not to. It was too hard. The most I said about you was that you went after Charlie because you loved me and that you were trying to help me. I told him that I love you too."

My face softened and fell and I took her hand in my lap.

"Did you have feelings for him Bella?"

"What? Edward…now you're being ridiculous."

"Don't avoid the question."

"You're unbelievable!"

"I need to know. Don't get upset, please. It's just a question. I just want to understand everything."

"It's a stupid question. I'm not answering it."

I stared into her eyes and her chin quivered slightly, then she looked away.

"Bella."

"Stop it."

"Ok. Forget I asked it."

She yanked her hand away from me harshly then and folded her arms across her chest, then in one swift motion she turned to me and started to cry.

"Yes," she squeaked. "Are you happy now? Yes! I started liking him and that's also why I pushed him away!"

I felt my insides flare up and I squeezed my hands into fists, wishing I could dent Jacob Black's face in.

"He reminded me of you," she continued to say through her tears. "I tried not to, but I couldn't help it."

"I'm not angry with you Bella. I love you."

"He smoked like you and after he smoked, he smelled like you, and sometimes he even cursed and it made me think of you. He drives his truck like a crazy, speeding fool like you and he was always, always trying to get me to eat…like you…."

"Baby, stop," I cut her off and pulled her closer to me on the couch.

"He got mad at me when I did stupid things that almost got me hurt and he was always trying to protect me…"

"Bella…stop. I'm sorry baby. Please," I turned her face toward me and started kissing her wet cheeks. "Please stop. I'm sorry. I'm a fool."

"I'm sorry if I told him about Charlie," she wept. "I was just…"

I shut her up by grabbing the back of her head and slamming our mouths together. She kissed me back but after a few seconds she pulled away and wiped at her tears.

"I hate that we have all these issues Edward. I hate that I'm always scared. I hate that I can't be alone without wondering where you are or if you'll call, I hate being so goddamned vulnerable all the time. I hate that I'm always horny now…."

I launched myself at her and crushed her little body under mine. She yelped in surprise and stared up at me with alarm in her eyes.

"If I have to tell you shut up one more time….I swear I'll…"

"You'll what," she challenged me.

"Make you beg for mercy."

"How on earth are you going to do…Edward! _NO_!"

I started digging my fingers into her ribs then. I tickled her until her face went red and she was screaming and thrashing everywhere.

"Edwaaaarrd! _STOOPPPP!!_"

I stopped and looked at her gasp and laugh and try to catch her breath with pleasure.

"Your lips taste like cherry," I smiled down into her face.

"Well you're wrong," she giggled. "It's watermelon."

"Yuck! I hate watermelon!"

"You do?!" She laughed even harder.

"Eeww Bella! That's the _worst_!"

"Hahahaha, you're so strange!" She giggled.

I had her legs wrapped around me and her chest was heaving up and down as she breathed, raising her breasts toward me with every breath she took.

"God Bella. You're beautiful."

I lay down on her completely then and went in for a hungry, deep kiss. She thought _she _was horny? Fuck! I was just as sexually frustrated as she was and so, I started dumping all of that said frustration onto her right there on the couch. I shoved my erection so hard between her legs that she cried out against my mouth and grabbed two tight fistfuls of my hair. Fuck, how I craved to be inside of her body. I wanted to explode inside of her and I wanted her to shudder and cry out and scream my name and feel her inner muscles lock around my explosion.

"Fuck," I bit out as I pulled my lips away and buried my face into her neck. "Bella."

She started tearing at my open flannel from the front and she got it off quick enough. She wasted no time in gunning for the hem of my t-shirt next and I had to raise upward so that she could pull it over my head or else I'd have been strangled by it. She was rough! I returned the favor and tried to pull her blouse over her head but I fumbled in my rush and couldn't get it over her head.

"How the fuck did you get it on!" I shrieked.

"The back," she panted with eyes squeezed shut. "A button," she gasped. "At the back."

I slid my hand behind her neck and fiddled with uncoordinated, frisky fingers and when I finally got the annoying little disc to move, I yanked the flimsy blouse over her head so hard I almost tore it. That mini skirt turned out to be the best thing for my excited member and the worst thing for my control. It gave me free and inviting access to her crotch and the thin material of her underwear was nowhere near thick enough to bar me from the heat and moisture that started licking out from her core. I pushed her skirt up higher over her hips and when I got it up far enough, all while kissing and smothering her, I got her ass cheeks in my hands and held her firmly in place. I thrust myself crudely against her and started rubbing myself up and down on her clit.

She was panting like a mad dog, gasping and moaning and scraping her fingernails against my scalp.

It was too much to contain. The raging hormones inside of my dick started to throb and it hurt like fuck. I needed to get it out. I dropped my face into her neck again and cried out in frustration and then I did what she liked and sucked her neck into my mouth and gnawed at her until she was clinging to me so hard it would have taken more than a 5.0 measurement on the Richter Scale to pull us apart.

In all our clamoring and frantic groping we fell off the couch and somehow I ended up underneath. She sat up on me and grinned and her pony tail was a mess. She grabbed my jeans button and this time I didn't stop her. I let her open it up and pull it down far enough for me to kick them off, but silly me, my shoes were still on.

"Ugh!" I sat up with her in my lap and scurried with my sneakers, pushing them off with my toes and when I was finally free, I kicked the jeans away.

"Thank goodness," she whispered and pushed me down onto my back again.

"For what?" I asked as I tugged at the hair band in her pony tail.

"That you wear boxers and not briefs," she giggled. I got the hair band out and she shook her hair loose and let it fall in my face. I took some of it in my hands and pressed it to my nose so that I could inhale, then I raised my hands and plunged my fingers into the hair at her temples.

"How would you like it if I wore none of the above?" I said with a flirtatious wink.

"Where've you been all my life?" She giggled.

So I pushed my boxers down and she raised herself so that they could pass, and when they were past my knees I kicked those off too. I saw her stop breathing. Her eyes clung to mine and when I smiled at her, she broke our eye contact and let her eyes travel slowly, down my chest, to my stomach and then to the tip of my erection that she sat on.

"Breathe Bella."

"Wow," she whispered.

"Wait a minute. Haven't you seen me before?"

She shook her head and chewed down on her bottom lip with blushing eyes.

"Really? But you touched me. You jacked me off when my arm was in that sling."

"Yes but, I didn't look."

"Then look," I said and held her by her hips and pushed her down a little. She blushed again when she looked down at it and a faint smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. I pulled her down onto me then and rolled us over so that I was on top again, then I undid the button on her skirt and divested her of it, along with her underwear.

"It's only fair," I winked, but she was still blushing and stealing glances at my erection that was bobbing between us. I took her hand then and wrapped her fingers around it and made her hold on tightly. That broke the ice. She started to massage and stroke it and in no time at all, she was doing a fantastic fucking job of making what was already hard, much harder. I almost devoured her with my kisses and I made sure to pay particular attention to her begging spot between her legs which was positively oozing with sexiness.

The moment I started playing with her clit she closed her eyes and started groaning and pumping the shaft in her hand. She was getting near too fast, so I decided to temper her down with something new. I slid my index finger down toward the middle then very slowly, I inserted the tip of it into her. She tensed up slightly, but then gave me an encouraging smile, so I pushed the whole length of my finger inside. She was amazingly tight, so tight that even my one finger had to fight the muscles in her walls just to get through. I started fingering her then, in and out, slow at first and then fast, and she liked it enough for me to want to try two fingers. My middle finger went in next, but it took more effort than the first one. She bit into her lip and closed her eyes as she cringed slightly in pain. Once I started moving them in and out slowly, she relaxed and when I went faster she gasped and groaned and arched her chest upward making me smile at the progress we were making. I took my fingers out after she said it started to burn and opted instead to rub the tip of my erection against her.

The moment I started rubbing myself against her clit, she cried out and grabbed on to my hips. That was her favorite spot of hers, I could tell. She started to grind her hips underneath me and I felt my entire body burst into flames. The harder we rubbed against each other, the wetter she got and the louder she groaned. I was starting to lose my mind. The friction got so rapid and heated that we were sweating all over each other. She screamed and clutched on to me and I realized that she was still wearing her bra. Without ceasing my grinding on her, I unhooked her bra and tugged it off. Her breasts spilled out joyously and I just had to lay on her so that I could anchor myself and hold them in my hands.

She did the most unforgiveable and tantalizing thing then when she pulled herself so that my tip lined up perfectly with her moist center. I let go of her breasts and palmed the floor at the both sides of her head and closed my eyes to summon strength.

"Bella," I gasped through clenched teeth.

"Yes."

I pushed myself against her instinctively and thank goodness she was too tight to break though so easily, and I ended up pressed up against a wall.

"Wow," she gasped and dug her fingers into my back.

"Bella, you have to stop me."

"Why on earth would I? Edward….no."

I raised my head and stared down at her pleadingly, all the while feeling my pulsing erection push against her virginal wall on its own volition. I was entrapped.

"Bella, it can't be like this, not on the floor like this, your mother's rug."

She swallowed and shook her head defiantly.

"I don't care."

"But I do." I had to be better than that for her.

"What could be better than this Edward? I could be in the backseat of your car right now and I still wouldn't care."

"I love you more than that."

"Then love me less. Please…don't stop."

I dropped my head into the crook of her neck again and almost screamed into her neck.

"I told you before," I grunted aggressively, still feeling myself push against her gloriously natural barrier. "I'm big on firsts!"

"Uh Edward! You're such a drama queen!"

"You wanted number two?"

"GIVE ME NUMBER TWO!"

I rolled onto my back swiftly to take myself out of dangerous territory then grabbed her by her hips on top of me and started rocking her back and forth on my hips vigorously. Before long she forgot all about her argument and was throwing her head back as her clit made direct contact with me. She leaned into my chest on her hands and rubbed against me, faster and harder until we were both gasping and grunting. She was the first to go because I had been working her for a while by then. When it happened she fell over onto my chest and cried out as she tensed up for a few seconds.

Without warning and immediately after she had come down from her orgasm she slid down my body and took me in her mouth. I almost came right fucking there when I felt her hot mouth close around my painfully hard erection.

I threw my head back and grabbed on to the top of her head. For someone with close to no experience she sure had a way of catching on quickly. It didn't take long for me. I had enough aggravated and pent up shit inside to be easily thrown over the edge. I warned her when I was about to cum but she didn't move, she only sucked down harder. That's when I saw it for the first time with my own eyes. The moment I spasmed and groaned outwardly in my own orgasm, I felt her release me suddenly then scream out for the second time. She fell on her side between my legs and grabbed herself between her legs as if something had just bitten her there. My eyes widened in shock as I looked at her shudder and gasp. Her cry could have easily been mistaken for pain and I sat up and grabbed on to her and pulled her into my lap quickly.

"Shit," I said as I stared at her in awe. "It's fucking real."

She opened her eyes and raised her head lazily, then dropped the back of her head against my shoulder.

"Wow," she panted. "Just, wow. When you said number two….I didn't think you actually meant _TWO_."

"I didn't think I meant that either," I said, still in shock. Even though she told me and I knew it had happened, I still couldn't believe it when I saw it happen. That kind of shit you only believe completely after you've seen it with your eyes, and boy did I see it.

"I felt you," she said lazily as her bare chest moved up and down with her heavy breathing. "And I saw you."

"Saw me?"

"In my head. When my eyes are closed, you are a bright white light."

I didn't know what to say or do, other than hold on to her tightly and cradle her drooping head. It wasn't possible to love a person any more than I loved her.

I was a sticky mess and I knew we'd need to have a shower as soon we got off the rug….

"Fuck…the rug."

"Forget about it. I can clean it."

"I can't believe I just saw that."

"Well believe it, because you'll be seeing quite a lot of it."

I pushed her down onto her back then and propped her head on my forearm then I bathed her face with adoring kisses.

"You better believe that you're stuck with me," I said. "I'm never letting you go Bella. I'm yours forever."

"I'm banking on that Mr."

"Lucky little wretch," I said and pinched her nose.

"Hahhaha, wish you could feel mine too?"

"Fuck yeah."

"Sorry," she giggled. "I don't know how to teach you."

"That's ok. Just seeing you grab yourself like that through mine is satisfying enough."

Then I bent over and kissed her again.

Two down, one more to go.

* * *

**One more chapter everybody. So I gave you 'two' tonight….no pun intended. Hahahahaha! Hope you liked it. I'd appreciate the feedback. Love you guys!**


	58. Chapter 58 Bring It On

The final chapter. Cheers! It was a long, emotional journey but we are here and I want to thank you for reading. The epilogue is next!

* * *

**Chapter 58 **

**Bring it on (Bella)**

"I promise I'll stay right here," I said to him from where I sat with my legs folded in front of me in the middle of his bed. He was standing inside the frame of his open door with his back to the corridor and he wore the most adorably agonized expression on his face.

"I don't get why you won't go in with me," he shifted nervously from one leg to the next and stuffed his hands into his front pockets, pleading with me with his eyes to make him understand. They were a darker shade of green than I was accustomed to, struggling beneath the shadow of uncertainty. I almost ran to him and cradled him just so that he would feel better, but I knew that the best support I could give to him then was to show him how much I believed in him; and then maybe he might believe in himself too.

"You've got this," I said to him. "I know you do. You're different now, stronger. I can see it."

This was not my threshold to cross and conquer, it was his, and whether or not he knew it yet, he owed it to himself after all those years of suffering to stare his demon in the face, grab it by its proverbial horns, buckle under the weight of it and defeat it; and he needed to do it in privacy where he could shed what he needed to, comfortably. He wanted me at his side and eventually I could do that, but it was just like he said to me after Charlie and I confronted each other on their first day back. My struggles with Charlie had nothing to do with him and he knew that I wouldn't have given Charlie the proper light of day if he had stayed with me. I started facing my demon in Charlie that day and now it was his turn to face his. He had a very personal and private meeting to be had with the inside of his soul and I knew that he'd appreciate his progress better if he tried to do it by himself first – like I appreciated mine after he had left me with Charlie. It made me feel stronger and like nothing could overpower me anymore.

But he just kept staring at me with that pleading look in his eyes and my heart broke for him more than once as we stared at each other across his bedroom.

"Do you remember what it felt like when you listened to the first song I gave you on CD?" I asked him.

"I'll never forget it."

"And do you remember how you were able to open yourself honestly to the message in it because you were alone? Not under the watchful eye of someone else, even if that someone else was me? No self consciousness, no need to contain yourself?"

"It's not the same thing Bella," he said and bent his head slightly.

"It is," I smiled at his bent head. "I won't deny you Edward, you know that, if you really want me to walk in there with you I will, but I think you should at least try it without me first, and the moment you think you can't do it anymore just call out to me and I'll be there. You had a special bond with Marcus, Edward, something that I won't ever understand because he isn't here anymore and I'll never meet him, but he's been waiting for _you_ and has been all these years I think. If I'm there, you won't open yourself to him like you should."

"He's dead Bella. He's not in there."

"I think he is."

He took a deep breath and sighed when he let it out.

"In any case, I can only take you to the door. I can't push you through it," I said.

He raised his head and held his eyes to mine and though in his heart he was still unsure, I could see it start to make sense in his mind.

"Start believing in yourself. You need closure Edward. Put it to rest and do it for yourself and for him because he watches you and he worries about you."

He frowned at me and shook his head.

"What? How….," he sighed again. "You sound like you've been talking to him or something."

"Kind of."

He blinked at me and stared.

"I'll tell you about it after."

"Promise that you'll stay in here," he said. "Don't leave that bed."

"Where else would I go?"

I sent him one last jolt of encouragement with a nod of my head then he turned and walked out into the corridor. He stopped directly in front of Marcus' door and stared at it for the longest while. I sat on his bed and watched him and shot out invisible waves of encouragement toward him, seeing the rigid lines in his posture, the tension in his clenched jaw, the shadow on his face and the slow but labored movement of his chest as he breathed. He stepped forward suddenly and took the door knob in his hand and then a mere second later he opened the door and stepped inside, out of sight.

My heart skipped and I felt my pores raise. He was inside.

Everything went dead quiet after that. The room was still, nothing moved and I kept my eyes and ears trained on the spot in the corridor where he stood just a second ago. I took my time to breathe and I waited, hoping that I had done the right thing.

That was his childhood in there, the thing that haunted him with undying cruelty for the past four years of his life. It was the only physical link left to his past and to the memories that he tried so hard to forget. I sat with my legs folded Indian style on the edge of my strained nerves, with raised pores and peaked ears, half expecting to hear his voice at any moment….but he was quiet. I shifted my eyes to the time on the clock on his chest of drawers and coded it in. He'd only been insides five minutes so far. Five minutes then turned to eight and eight minutes turned to ten, and I didn't know if to relax or if to stay tense. I pushed myself back toward the head board and leaned against it, careful not to take my eyes away from the corridor that loomed beyond the threshold of his door….long and wide.

I thought I heard something next and my body twitched and jumped in anticipation, but when nothing came after, I had to uncoil again and try to relax. It was impossible. My nerves were too charged up and I couldn't help but worry that he was tearing up and falling apart in grief. My body started to sweat as I sat there on his pillows, too still and too focused on that spot in the corridor, and the more the silence lingered, the louder the internal racket in my chest grew, and just when I was about to spontaneously combust, I heard his voice.

"Bella…."

It was barely audible, and as I swung my legs over the side of the bed I had to wonder if I had even heard him at all. I moved toward the doorway slowly, stretching the range of my ears just to make sure that I had heard correctly.

"Bella," he said again and that time I was sure that I'd heard right. I darted into the hallway and into Marcus' room to find him sitting on the floor with his back against the foot of Marcus' bed. He had some pictures in his lap and some were spilled onto the floor next to him. His head was bent and it looked heavy and sad.

"How're you doing?" I kneeled next to him and touched his shoulder.

"Better now. Come here," he answered and snaked an arm around my waist. I sat next to him and he bent his head toward me which I took and cradled against my shoulder.

"You did great Edward. What do you need?" I whispered into his hair as I stroked his head. He was staring at a Polaroid in his hand, of him and Marcus. I hadn't seen that one on the day I went through the pile. In the picture they were together again and their faces looked more mature than in most of the others, so identical yet with one differentiating feature…the slant of their smiles.

"This was the day before we left for Alaska," he said and dropped the picture on the floor. "My mother was playing around with a new Polaroid camera she had gotten as a gift. It was the last picture that was ever taken of him. God, we took a lot of pictures didn't we?"

I made sure that I was touching him at all times. He looked like he had a heavy load on him but thankfully he seemed to be in control and was able to talk.

"Can you feel him Edward?"

"Not anymore. I felt him for a while right after it happened and it was one of the reasons I demanded to have a new room. It stopped happening once I moved out."

I stroked his hair tenderly.

"Do you want to feel him again?"

"Not really," he said and raised his head so that he could look at me. "I can't chase a ghost Bella and I don't want his face to haunt me anymore. I have to let him go."

I looked around the room. The air was still musty and thick with dust, every allergic person's nightmare.

"Maybe you shouldn't have to let go of him," I said. "It's ok to hold on to his memory. Maybe what you need to let go of is your anger and the pain from both their deaths. I don't think either of them wants you to let them go. Moving on doesn't have to mean letting go."

"You're talking again as if you know something I don't. Have you been talking to my dead brother and mother Bella?" He tried to joke but his eyes weren't smiling.

"I think I did once actually," I said warily.

"What?" He said and searched my eyes intriguingly.

"Not your mom so much, but Marcus…he…I think he came to me in a dream the day you came back to Forks."

He twitched slightly and frowned.

"He thinks I've saved you," I shook my head and smiled. "And he said thanks. He seemed happy that you had left me the keys and then he asked me to let you save me too."

"Bella," His frown got deeper.

"I almost gave up Edward," I said and bent my head in shame. "I almost gave in to the frustration of everything that got too overwhelming for me. I was about to give up. That night was the lowest I had gotten to in a while and I think….I think he knew, like he was watching me the entire time you were away. And in that last moment, when I was about to turn away and try to separate myself from the discomfort, he came to me and he sort of gave me courage."

Edward's eyes got glassy and he blinked and turned his face away in order to expel a shaky breath.

"I knew I didn't like the way you sounded on the phone that night," he said with difficulty.

"I would never have stopped loving you Edward and I would never have been capable of hating you, and I'm sure that eventually I would have made my way back to you but…."

He pulled me into his lap.

"Ssshhh," he said and buried his face in my chest. "I can't bear to hear it anymore."

"Me either," I hugged his face to my chest and rested my cheek on the top of his head.

"I think I've had enough for today," he said. "Let's go."

* * *

The day after was his mother's turn. I thought that he handled Marcus' room quite well. It was difficult and he didn't stay long, but he went in on his own and he even braved the pictures which were emotional even for me the first time I'd seen them, far less for him.

I was anxious about his visit to the nursery because of the work I had done. The day before, after we had closed Marcus' door again, he wanted to shower before taking me home and by the look on his face I could tell that he needed a few minutes alone with a hot bath, so I took the opportunity to make a quick escape down to the nursery to check on the plants and make sure that everything was ok before the discovery.

A wave of disappointment tugged at me when I came across the bent and withered body of a dead plant. I cleared it away quickly and watered the rest then checked the temperature again. Happy again, I blew a kiss into the room and turned to leave, only to walk straight into a shock stricken and noticeably aghast Carlisle.

"_Carlisle_!" I gasped with wide eyes. He stared right past me into the nursery with an expression that rocked back and forth between awe and fright. I wasn't sure how to read it, but whatever it was, it was strange on him. He walked past me with his eyes sucked in on the various transformations in the room and I started tugging at the ends of my hair that fell by my waistline, not knowing what to do or if I should say anything. I even thought about running away and hiding from him for a few weeks in the hope that he would close the door again and forget all about it.

He didn't talk. He just looked around him with limp arms at his sides, speechless and pensive. I poked my head out into the corridor for any sign of an approaching Edward, and on seeing none, I turned back to the frozen and statuesque doctor.

"Did you…?" he started, but then he stopped and clenched a fist at his side. His back was still turned to me. "Bella? What is this?"

I opened my mouth to try to explain but when he turned around to face me and I saw tears in his eyes I almost fainted. I raised my hands to my mouth ruefully and burst into tears immediately, thinking that I had crossed the line and invaded the sanctity of his wife's memory without permission, and that he hated it. It was only then as I stood before the shaken man did I realize the possibility of Carlisle actually resenting me for touching what I shouldn't have.

"Carlisle I'm sorry!" I cried. "I was trying to give you and Edward a gift! I wanted you to like it, but I shouldn't have touched it! I should have asked you first! Please! Don't cry, I'm so sorry!"

"No, wait," he choked out as he came toward me with outstretched arms. He grabbed me by my shoulders and lowered his head close to mine and tried to smile, but I could tell that he was still having a hard time. "Did _you_ do this?"

I shifted my blurry eyes to the blossoming backdrop behind him and sniffled.

"Yes," I croaked.

He shook his head from side to side, then straightened up, swallowed a mouthful of air and turned back to look.

"On your own?" He asked.

"Yes," I forced out again, and even more shocking that the tears in his eyes was the laughter that suddenly erupted from him right after. I had never heard him laugh like that before. He put his both hands on the top of his head and sighed.

"It's incredible!" He laughed then dropped his hands to his hips. "I saw you run past my office just now and as soon as I was done with my phone call, I came back here to see where you where running to, but I…never would have guessed that I'd find this!"

I thought about Edward upstairs in his room, possibly looking for me by then; wiped my tears away and scratched my head.

"So…. you like it?" I asked in genuine perplexity. He turned back to me and smiled.

"I think I do," and then he frowned into the space between us, as if he was confused by the fact that he was standing there, actually liking something about that place again.

"I shock myself," he said with a meaningful look in his eyes. "I didn't think I could be in here and feel like… _this_."

I almost clapped and bounced on the spot in unbridled joy when he said that and just for that brief moment in time, I wanted to hug Carlisle and tell him that everything was ok.

"Thank you Bella. I don't think I've ever gotten a gift like this before. It'll be hard to top this. I'm genuinely moved though I don't know that I would have allowed it if you had come to me first. But now that I see it….I'm glad you didn't. It's amazing."

"You're welcome. I'm so glad you like it," I smiled.

He nodded and started making his way through the aisles, reading labels and touching leaves and chuckling to himself at various little things that he found interesting. I took two steps backward into the corridor, wanting to find Edward before he found me, but he caught my movement and stopped me.

"Are you into this kind of thing?" He asked with a sweep of his hand.

"Botany?" I asked and he nodded.

I shrugged and passed my eyes over everything. "I never thought it before this. It all started off as a distraction, a way to keep myself occupied, as well as I was…curious. But once I saw how…," my voice trailed off. I needed to be careful here, "…much care it needed, I felt the strongest inclination to…fix it. Once it started to transform I guess, yes. I enjoyed it. I adored it actually and it was the only thing that helped me for an extended period of time."

"Therapeutic," he said.

"Yes."

"Would you want to continue?"

A huge smile erupted on my face. "Of course."

He started back his perusing through the aisles.

"I was never good at it," he said. "I tried sometimes, when she was still here, but apparently the only life I'm good at sustaining is the human kind. She had special hands for this."

And then he looked at me. "And apparently, so do you."

I blushed a little.

"I wouldn't say I have special hands for it," I shrugged. "What I'm good at is research and following instructions. The rest was just good old cleaning."

My cell started vibrating in my pocket and I knew it was Edward wondering where I had disappeared to.

"I know talent when I see it Bella," Carlisle said. "And you're good at this. It takes a special kind of nurturing touch to keep a plant alive. And look at how many you've done it with."

_Not counting the dead little guy I discovered when I had just walked in_, of course. I answered my phone then.

"Hey you," I said and turned away from Carlisle.

"Where'd you go?"

"I'm uh…downstairs talking to your dad," I glanced at Carlisle who smiled to himself. "I'll be up shortly. Give me a minute?"

"I'll just meet you downstairs then," he said and hung up.

"He doesn't know yet does he?" Carlisle smiled at a plant.

"No," I said preparing to take my leave. "And he's on his way down right now, so I gotta go. I'm showing it to him tomorrow."

"Hey before you go. Leave me a list on my desk of everything you need to continue in here and I'll make sure that you get it. And please…don't be shy."

"Really?!"

"Yes," he laughed. "Really."

"Wow! Thank you Carlisle! I'll do that right now," I grinned in glee.

"You did good Bella" he pointed at me. "You did very good. Thank you."

I nodded with my teeth pinned to my bottom lip and ran out toward his office. I got there before Edward did and grabbed at a pen on his desk then started scribbling a rather scrappy list of items I needed for the nursery. Just as I had written the last word, Edward walked in.

"Where's Carlisle?" He asked.

"You just missed him," I said and tore the page off the pad.

"What are you doing?" He asked, coming around the side of the desk to see what I was writing. He looked at me curiously and reached out to take the torn page from my hand, but I pulled it behind my back and giggled.

"Come on, what is it?" He laughed as he reached behind me with his two arms.

"No Edward. You can't see."

"Why not? Is it a secret?"

"Um, it's more of a_ surprise_."

"What does Carlisle have to do with it?" He asked, glancing toward the door suspiciously, thoroughly amused by the game.

"You'll find out soon enough," I answered.

"Will I like it?" He smiled teasingly.

"I hope you will," I teased back.

His hair was damp and obviously towel dried by the way it was sticking out all over the place. He ran his fingers through it and narrowed his eyes at me playfully.

"When do I get it?"

"Stop asking so many questions. You'll get it when you get it!"

He smilingly gestured toward the door with his chin for us to leave, so I dropped the page on Carlisle's desk and followed him out.

The day after, I was sitting on his bed just like before with my legs folded Indian style in front of me, terribly sleepy and smiling lazily. Carlisle's reaction to the nursery made me more excited than anxious about Edward's discovery and the only thing that ruined it for me was my state of sleep deprivation.

I'd had a very hard time with Charlie during the night and because I'd hardly gotten a wink of sleep, I was falling asleep on myself all morning.

Carlisle had warned me that Charlie might experience sporadic withdrawal episodes and that the moment anything happened, I should call him or Edward right away. That night was my first experience with it. I almost called Edward for help and I knew he would have rushed over to my rescue, but I wanted to try and figure it out on my own first because if I intended on living with Charlie I'd have to know how to handle him. I only wanted to call for help if things got dangerous.

Early on in the night, I noticed his agitated mood when I offered him a cup of hot chocolate before bed and he swore an ugly word then dumped the contents of his cup in the kitchen sink.

"Hot _chocolate_ isn't my fucking idea of a night cap Bella," he growled and though he apologized immediately afterward, I could see that he was seriously wound up and in need of a_ real_ drink.

"Then can I get you something else?" I asked him, determined not to let him intimidate me.

"Some gin and scotch would be great," he grumbled sarcastically and gave me the stink eye.

"Anything_ else_?" I challenged with folded arms.

"No," he bit out and stormed upstairs to his room, which was Alice's old room, and locked himself in. I sat in the kitchen for a long while after, staring up at the ceiling, listening to the sounds of furniture being dragged across the floor in his room. At one point I got really scared by the noises coming through the ceiling and that was the point when I almost called Edward, but the sounds stopped soon enough and so I decided to put my cell away.

"It's only Charlie Bella," I said to myself and went up the stairs after him.

"Charlie? What are you doing?" I asked as I knocked on his door.

He opened it almost immediately and I saw that he had pushed the bed away from the wall to the center and jammed the head board against the window so that his feet faced the door. To do that however, he had to push the chest of drawers out of the way. That piece, he managed to shove all the way across to the adjacent corner, and as I stood there looking at him bundle the two standing lamps to wall by the door I had to ask him why he was doing any of it.

"I like seeing out into the corridor if the door opens and I hate seeing out the window at night. Those fucking curtains are too thin."

I looked at the window behind the thin white curtains. Esme had purposely put up thin white curtains to allow light inside, seeing that Forks wasn't exactly the sunniest place on earth. I chalked up Charlie's strange behavior to paranoia because he seemed awfully afraid of something he might see through the window at night.

"Do you need help?" I asked him.

"No." And then he put me out and shut the door again. After that there was a series of strange incidents, all of which gave the impression that I had a temperamental teenage boy in the house. He blasted music, he threw things at the wall, he dragged around the furniture some more, he sang at the top of his voice, and then when everything had finally gotten quiet and I thought that perhaps he had exhausted himself and fallen asleep….it turned out that he started sobbing hysterically. I could hear him through the door and though I knocked and begged for him to let me in, he ignored me.

It lasted for hours, most of the night actually and I sat out in the hall against his door the entire time and eventually fell asleep right there at some wee hour of the morning. I awoke as soon as the sun came up only because he had opened the door and I fell back into his room.

"Bella, what the….?!" He shrieked. I pushed myself up and rubbed at my eyes sleepily. "Did you sleep out here last night?!"

"I didn't intend to," I grumbled and stood up, feeling awfully disoriented and sore from the hard floor. "I fell asleep there by mistake. You wouldn't talk to me. How are you?"

"I'm fine," he answered with shifty eyes and after a moment of awkwardness between us, he went into the bathroom. I sighed sleepily and dragged my feet toward my bedroom. My bed had never looked so glorious and I flopped onto it and fell asleep immediately. Ten short minutes later my cell phone rang and it was Jacob calling to say that he was on his way to collect Charlie. He and Billy had more plans for Charlie that day and apparently it couldn't wait until a more decent hour in the goddamned day.

As it turned out, Charlie hit it off quite nicely with Jacob and his family. Billy Black was good for Charlie. He never drank alcohol because he'd been in a terrible car crash some years ago no thanks to a drunk tourist driver in the other car. His pick up truck flipped five times and he ended up damaging his spine and landing in a wheel chair. So there was no danger of Charlie ending up in harm's way while on the res with Billy. They fished a lot and Charlie enjoyed it. He even started bringing home fish which I cooked and he thoroughly enjoyed eating his fish, especially because he saw it as him feeding himself instead of eating the food that Esme put in the house for us.

"_Pleeeease_ keep him all day Jacob," I groaned to him over the phone. "I need sleep. I don't think I can babysit today."

* * *

Two hours later, I was sitting on Edward's bed, falling asleep on myself again, but trying very hard to appear coherent and present. It was nursery day, the day after Marcus day.

"Do you want me to come down there with you?" I asked him through a yawn. "I could sit out in the hall while you go into the nursery if you want."

It was terrible the way I wasn't able to bubble over with excitement.

"You're exhausted aren't you?" He asked and ruffled the hair on the top of my head. I had already explained to him what had happened with Charlie during the night.

"Yeah, but this is important. I can sleep after."

"Naw, it's ok. We can do it like yesterday. You were right. It wasn't so bad after all, walking through the door on my own. I got a few minutes to say what I needed to say to him and it helped. I think today will be better."

"You sure?"

He nodded and leaned over to kiss the top of my head.

"Sleep. You look like you're about to slip into a coma. If I feel like pulling my hair out I'll just close the door and run back up here to you."

But I really wanted to be there to see the look on his face when he saw the work I had done. I pouted and fell back onto his pillows sullenly. He laughed and leaned over to suck my protruding bottom lip into his mouth.

"Come back as soon as you've seen it," I smiled when he let go of my lip, then I yawned and turned over onto my side. "Your bed is delicious."

"You sound disoriented already," he grinned. "Sleep. I'll be right back."

I let him tuck me in snuggly and I don't think I lasted more than a few seconds after that. I never even remembered him leaving the room.

* * *

I always had a distinct problem separating my dreams from reality, partly because as far back as I could remember, anything worthy of dream status didn't happen to me, and if it did, like Edward's presence in my life, something major was sure to threaten and test it and force me to prove just how badly I wanted it – like what had just recently happened with us.

But fate had its own plans for me and I was soon to realize just how myopic I was about my own destiny.

Being so lucky would take some getting used to, but goddamn it, it was something that anyone would have enjoyed adjusting to, especially with a creature like Edward at the hub of it.

The line between dream and reality was an almost transparent one especially for someone like me who could feel someone else's physical experience in my body, and that day the line got blasted away as my dreams and my reality meshed with Edward's and became a single entity with no differentiation nor distinction.

He came to me like a whisper in a dream, bathed in white with charisma as his sensuality seeped out through his pores. I saw his face and I saw him smile and he bent his head and dropped his blushing eyes to me, leaning over me with his drugging scent.

I felt the covers being peeled away and then I felt his eyes make a burning track from my hip to my face. I took a deep breath with my eyes still closed, and smiled to myself. His hands then erased the track made by his eyes when he stroked the skin peeking out by my hip where my t-shirt was rolled up. His touch was arduous and when he turned me gently onto my back and lowered his body onto me, I opened my eyes and let out a staggering breath of air.

"Hi," he said. I smiled though I was disoriented. Was I awake? Was I asleep? Did he go to the nursery already? Did he go at all? The last thing I remembered was him tucking me in and that felt like just one second ago.

"Hey," I responded to him with a husky voice.

"Bella Bella Bella Bella," he whispered as he shook his head from side to side.

"You changed your mind?" I asked.

"About what exactly?" Then he dropped a small peck on my nose.

"You're still here, you didn't go down to the nursery."

He chuckled softly and rubbed the tip of his nose on mine.

"You've been sleeping for two hours silly girl," he smiled and kissed my lips. "And I can't wait anymore. I've been lying here next to you, watching you sleep, wanting to burst with excitement."

I widened my eyes a little and rushed my fingers to my lips between us.

"You saw it?"

He nodded and kissed my forehead.

"Yes and I almost died of shock."

"Tell me, tell me," I giggled.

He pulled up the end of my t-shirt and peeked under it, then he pulled my neck line down and peeked inside, then he lifted my arms one at a time and looked underneath.

"What are you doing?" I laughed at him.

"I'm trying to see if you have any more cuteness hidden anywhere else on you, 'cause I just can't believe that you keep getting more and more amazing everyday. This has to be some kind of hoax."

I giggled and tried to push his hands away as he roamed and peeked everywhere, behind my ears, behind my neck, inside my t-shirt again, inside my hair. Then he patted me down by my hips and thighs and when he was satisfied he shook his head and twisted his mouth.

"Nope, you're clean," he grinned.

"Yes."

"So you're not stealing someone else's cuteness and stashing it somewhere on you?"

"No!" I giggled.

"Then you're some kind of programmed robot or alien, 'cause nobody can be this incredible."

"You like it!" I laughed. "That was your surprise."

"Bella," he sighed and lost all the tease on his face. He pulled his eyebrows together in a new expression that was brooding and serious, and rapt with ardor and concentrated desire. "What you did in there was…."

He grabbed onto my face before he could finish and kissed me so deeply that he almost embedded me into the bed underneath us.

"Isabella," he said in a harsh whisper.

"Bella," I said instinctively, like a reflex action to my full name. He raised his head and put his finger to my lips and hushed me.

"I want to say your name. I like it."

"Sorry," I shook my head slightly. "I'm just accustomed to acting like that whenever someone says Isabella."

"Why do you do that?"

"It's stupid. You'll laugh at me."

"I won't."

"You will."

"Ok, maybe I will…so make me laugh."

"Really, it's just a silly thing I came up with when I was a little girl."

He looked at me and waited and I rolled my eyes and braced myself for the embarrassment.

"Oh God, you're going to think I'm a mental case. Ok, here it is, when I was in elementary school, I wrote a crappy love letter to some kid in summer camp on the advice of a not so best friend who liked the same boy and knew that he had actually liked _her_. She read the letter and said I should put two tick boxes at the back of it and ask him to please tick the appropriate box saying if he liked me too. One box said yes, the other said no."

"Geez," he said.

His face was lighting up already in amusement and I cringed at the twinkle in his eyes.

"So he scrawls a gigantic NO at the back of the letter and then he spells out my name and writes what he thinks of me for every letter in my name…. 'Incredibly Stupid And Boring, _Eewww_, Lame Loser Ass kisser'".

"Yikes," Edward said, all red faced and swollen from the eruption of laughter that wanted to burst out of him.

I scowled at him and when he couldn't take it anymore he dropped his face into my neck and let it out.

"You're so scandalous," I rolled my eyes.

"Were you an ass kisser in school?" He asked as he raised his red face again.

"Not the point…."

"You were an ass kisser! _Aw_!"

"Shut up."

"HAhahahahaha!"

"Forget it."

"No, no no...I'm sorry. _Aww!_ Babe, I'm sorry. Come on. That little prick was an ass….go on. Continue…..I promise I won't laugh. Scout's honor."

"So anyways," I went on with narrowed eyes. "Most of the camp population started making fun of me because of that and they created all sorts of public and derogatory versions of my name, competing with each other to see whose was better. After that, if anybody asked if I was Isabella I said no, 'I'm Bella.' And I kinda told myself that the only person who'd get my permission to use my full name from then on would be my husband, because…..at the time…..I hated boys and swore I'd never get married."

"That's awfully tragic," he shook his head, wanting to laugh but trying really hard to hold it in.

"You're laughing at me again."

"No! Yes, but hey I told you already, I laugh when you do cute shit."

"How the hell is this cute?"

"You just are. Look at you," he said and started dropping little kisses all over my face. "All pouting and embarrassed and shit. I'm so glad that prick set you straight in summer camp though."

"Edward?!!"

"Because!!! Now_ I_ get to have you all to myself! Just think, if he'd ticked the _yes_ box…," his mouth started quivering again with the force of laughter that wanted to break through. "You wouldn't be here with me right now. You'd be somewhere off in prick world…with the prick."

"Go on Edward…just get it over with."

He dropped his face into my neck then and erupted again.

"You're so mean," I chuckled. "You know, I cried that day! He really hurt my feelings!"

He raised his head and started pecking me all over my face again.

"I wish you'd write _me_ a love letter," he grinned. "With a yes box and a no box at the back. I promise to tick the right box. How come you've never written me a love letter?"

"Well my first experience with love letters scarred me for life, so no."

"God, you're refreshing," he shook his head and sighed. "There's nobody else in the world like you."

"If you want me to write you a love letter I will."

"I want you to let me call you Isabella whenever I want. There's no way I'm paying for some other fool's sin. I love you too much to not get my own way."

"What's the big deal anyway?"

"No big deal," he smiled. "Isabella."

I rolled my eyes and let him kiss me again.

"Forever," he said and my heart took off. He'd said the word forever to me many times before, but something in his voice when he said it that day sounded….forever.

His hands started roaming all over my torso and he slipped under my t-shirt and started caressing the skin at my sides, then unhooked my bra and slid his fingers underneath right around to the font where he cupped my breast and squeezed gently.

That got me salivating immediately. I let out a crooning groan and before I could utter the next sound he freed my breasts of their impetuous need for him, by taking them both in his massaging palms.

"I'm ready for number three," I groaned to him.

"I'll just bet you are."

"Why do you keep me waiting and wanting you like this Edward?" I moaned as he squeezed my nipples gently and got my legs parting underneath him.

"No more waiting," he said as he came down for another long kiss. I didn't think I heard him right.

"Really?" I uttered against his mouth.

He pulled open the string on my cotton slacks then and pushed off of me with his other hand so that he could pull my pants off. They were easy to come off thank goodness. I sat up and yanked my top off then my bra. He took off his own t-shirt then and jumped off the bed so that he could climb out of his jeans.

"Commando?!" I shrieked when I saw him. He grinned sexily and dived on top of me again. With his hands rooted in my hair and my legs wrapped around his waist he gazed at me and smiled.

"I wanted to do this all fluffy and shit with candles and roses and the works. I had a fucking plan for us. I had a vision of the way I wanted our first time to be, but after seeing the nursery today, fuck Bella, I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore."

I grazed my fingers through his hair and gazed back at him.

"Forget all that mumbo jumbo fancy stuff. Nothing would make me happier than to finally feel you in the one way I haven't yet. I know you love me Edward. There's nothing you have to prove to me anymore."

"It might hurt," he said softly.

"You forget who you're talking to. I know pain. Give me pain."

Something mischievous flashed through his eyes then. He winked and then suddenly he wasn't Mr. Tender anymore. He grabbed me by my waist and flipped my body over so that I landed on my stomach.

"Uh!" I shrieked in surprise.

"First," he said into my ear as he spread himself across my back. "I have to pay up, in full."

With his left hand he raised my hip just slightly under him and with his right hand, he went under and started touching his favorite spot, lathering me up nicely and sending me into immediate convulsions. I clutched the pillow under my face, pinned my eyebrows together and gasped audibly.

"Oh my…..," I uttered. "Yes."

He did to me what he had mastered by then, he aggravated my clit with my own moisture until every muscle in my body was tight and reeling in pleasure. He was pressed to my back with his lips next to my ear, whispering a bunch of sexy things to me all of which had me crying out and soaring to the hills in no time at all.

"You like when I touch you like this," he whispered in my ear as he rubbed my spot and I nodded hysterically against his pillows.

Then he pushed his left hand under me, took one of my nipples in his hand and pinched. I squealed and he nibbled on my ear.

"Fuck Bella," he said as he shoved himself up against me from behind. "You're so fucking sexy when you scream like that."

And so I cried out again, over and over in response to the work of his feverish fingers on me.

"I want you to cum all over me baby, and I want to feel you shudder when you do it and I want you to scream my name."

"Edward!" I shrieked.

"Mmmm, yes," he grunted against me and shoved again. "More.."

"Edward…." I gasped.

"More."

"Edward!"

"Louder," he grunted as his fingers picked up the pace.

"Oh-My…..Uh!"

"Hot fucking….Mmm!," he grunted harshly against my ear. He was like this raw and determined sex creature all of a sudden, born and bred for the incitation of pleasure. I turned my face into the pillow as I felt my body reach. I screamed into the pillow and I guess he knew I came by the way my body tightened and trembled at the same time.

He moved his hands out from under me and pushed me onto the bed gently, lay down on top of me, brushed my hair away from the back of my neck and started kissing me there.

"Three," he said.

"You're amazing," I turned my head to the side and gasped breathily. "Paid in full."

He stroked my back for a while and when I started going all languid on him he clucked his tongue and turned me over.

"Well not exactly," he said. "You're not done yet."

I spread my arms out over my head and smiled lazily. He leaned over to the side to get the remote for the blinds off his night stand, pointed it and closed the blinds, making the room go dim on us. Then he reached into the drawer in his stand and pulled something out.

"Oh," I said when I saw what it was.

"Yes Oh," he said as he tore the pack open with his teeth, then arched an eyebrow. "Your naivety is sometimes scary."

I just smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck as he cloaked himself. "Thank goodness for your wisdom then."

He just shook his head and lowered himself on me, then brought his arms down around me, resting on his elbows. He started kissing and massaging my head with his fingers, then he stroked me down my side, over my hip, down my thigh where he held me under, raised my leg and pressed my knee to my chest.

"Flexible," he said as his fingers found me between my legs again. I was very conscious of his erection between us.

"Relax," he said softy and continued to kiss. I felt his finger pushing in and I tensed up slightly. When he felt me tighten, he increased his massaging with his left hand on my head and widened our kiss with his tongue. He pushed again, as gently as he could and just like the first time, I felt him maneuver and navigate his way upstream until he was in. I relaxed a little then.

"Good girl," he smiled against my mouth. Shit, we was sexy.

He started thrusting into me with his finger and when he had me arching my head back and gasping again, he pushed in another finger and went at it, making me moist again and crying out for dear mercy. His tongue was ravenous and my hands were clinging to him as if letting go would kill me.

"You're so responsive," he said as we kissed and he thrust with his fingers. He started getting greedy then because I was grunting and groaning so loudly that it excited him. He pulled out and grabbed my both hips in his hands and slid his body down lower so that he was perfectly in line with me.

I felt him, just like the day when he almost lost it and pushed himself into me. I felt the tip of his erection right where I wanted it but then he ceased all movement and I opened my eyes and looked at him.

He was staring at me intently with clenched jaw and deep eyes, hooded by thick dark lashes and a stern brow. He swallowed and I thought I saw him hesitate but then he brought his left hand back up to the top of my head and he held my hip firmly with his right.

"Tell me if I'm hurting you," he said and I bit into my lip smilingly and nodded.

He lowered his forehead to mine and I heard and felt him release a shaky breath of air as he pushed against me. I tensed up again and nothing happened. He enclosed his fingers in my hair on my head, and wedged his right hand against my raised knee and pressed down before he tried pushing into me again.

The pain came and I felt him enter by the tip and because I didn't want him to stop, I bit down harder into my lip and held my breath. He pushed a third time and as soon as he did it his gap opened up in my mind and I started feeling two sensations at the same time. I felt the searing pain of my walls being pushed open and I felt a burning sensation that emitted itself from his gap. He was hurting too, though it was nowhere as intense as mine.

I grabbed onto him and gasped in fright and he froze up and raised his head.

"I'm hurting you," he said accusingly.

"Don't stop," I shook my head. "We knew it would hurt. I don't care about the pain."

He stroked away some of my hair that was stuck to my forehead and then pushed in again, slowly. I closed my eyes and grimaced.

He was tender with his touch and gentle with his thrusts and every time I tightened my body and held my breath, he bent his forehead to mine and paused until he thought that I was ready again. With every push, he went in a little deeper and the way he focused and paid keen attention to me made my heart swell. He was not hasty, or selfish. He made it about me and I could literally feel his love take physical form as he held and embraced me and made our bodies bond together with his gentle movements.

Gentle though they were, they felt as hard as iron. They hurt and every single push left me breathless and gasping in pain. I tried to turn my face away a couple of times so that he wouldn't see it and get scared, but he mirrored every movement I made and every time I looked away he would turn my face back to his, press our foreheads together and drop a kiss on my mouth.

"Breathe," he said as I felt him sink into me entirely.

I widened my eyes and gasped in disbelief. I didn't know how to average a man's endowment, but from the way he felt inside of me, I could have guessed that Edward was gifted.

I inclined my head up to his and closed the gap between our lips and I realized immediately that it hurt a lot less when we were kissing because my focus was split. He figured out by the way my body relaxed every time we kissed that it was helping, so he deepened our kisses and started moving in and out inside of me simultaneously. He did it very slowly at first and every time he pushed back in, I made a small sound. Somehow I was able to translate the pain into fervor and the transferred energy made our kissing more intense.

"You're shaking," he said against my mouth.

I nodded and continued kissing him.

"Are you ok?" He asked as he pulled out.

"Yes."

So he pushed in again.

"Should I stop?"

"No."

"Baby, are you sure?"

"Yes."

I relaxed my hip flexor muscles then and widened my legs.

"Mmm," he groaned as more access was granted to him then. "You're fucking tight. It feels incredible."

I knew how he felt, because I felt it too and that was also one of the tings that made more bearable than it should have been naturally. Is pleasure mixed with my pain and made it masochistically sweet.

He started picking up the pace then and as our bodies found a rhythm with each other, my pain started to wane. He felt the change in my body and let go of my hip so that he thrust his fingers into my hair and hold me firmly all the while heightening both the pace and sensation of his every thrust into me.

"Bella," he said.

"More," I responded and he shoved himself in harder.

"Ah!" I cried out and tightened my arms around his neck.

"Fuck," he bit out. "Sorry."

"No, do it again," I gasped. He obeyed and when he did I squeezed him again and tasted the sweat that started seeping out through his pores.

"Am I in your head yet?" He asked.

"Yes," I answered him. "You feel so good to me."

I saw the look in his eyes transform under the charge of his carnal pleasure and he pulled his brow together and bit down harder on his jaw, and as he did it, his thrusting got faster. I felt my hips move and open out underneath him and the next thing I knew I was pushing and shoving myself against him too. We broke out in a steamy sweat and his hair started to clamp together in thick locks over his eyes. Out stomachs slapped together with every thrust and I threw my head back in the pillows and cried out with every single push. It was unbelievable the way something that felt like burning friction and twisting pain had turned into something so easy and divine…something so natural. I felt all of him, body and spirit and he danced in my head and glowed in his light and I very literally started to soar out of my mind in ecstasy because I had both his pleasure and mine at the same time.

He adored me with kisses as he pushed in and out of me and he groaned and bent his head to the side of mine and lost himself. I felt him get harder on the inside and then I felt my body adapt to accommodate him as if I was made and molded for that very purpose and for him in particular.

We were both clinging to each other and the more excited he grew, the faster we went. The faster we went, the slipperier I got, and the slipperier I got, the better it felt and the louder I yelped. My clit was being seriously massaged under the friction of his rapid movements against me and the three sensations came together in brutal force: his erection, my insides and my clit.

His shoulder muscles were popping and bulging everywhere and I felt him bite into my neck savagely with a heady moan. One of his hands ended up rooted in my hair and the other arm he somehow got under my neck and around my shoulders so that he was holding me in a tight embrace. He raised his head and our foreheads clashed and I felt myself being pushed over the top. Everything was alight and every touch and sensation sparked between us. We were going fast, so fast that I was barely breathing anymore. I was gasping and crying out in short, breathy utterances and that made him squeeze and drive into me even harder.

"Bella," He gasped.

"Edward…"

"_Fuck_…yes!"

And that's when it happened. I came for the second time for that day. I turned my flushed face in toward his and let out an intense shrieking sound, and literally three seconds later his light exploded into thousands of fragments in my mind and I felt his orgasm erupt in side of me. We cried out together, me for the second time….and third for the day so far. My arms trembled, my legs quivered, my hips bucked and it was a good thing he held on to me so tightly because the release was so expelling that I almost went limp on him.

"_Wow,"_ he groaned breathily into my neck.

We held on to each other in silence for a while and then he collapsed on top of me, completely spent.

"Oh my sweet goodness," I gasped as my eyes glassed over. "Edward…."

He couldn't talk. He didn't do anything but lie on top of me with his face buried in my neck and that affection in itself made me emotional. He was bare and exhausted and wrapped up around me, satisfied and happy.

I lay there in awe, staring up at the ceiling as I blinked away my threatening tears. I didn't want to be an emotional basket case. I wanted to laugh because I was so ecstatic. When he finally raised his head, he saw the tears in my eyes and pressed his lips to my lids.

"I love you," he said.

I nodded and wiped away a trace of moisture that escaped. He rolled off of me then and pulled me into his arms. It took some effort, but he eventually got us both covered and wrapped up snuggly in his blankets.

"That was incredible," I said, nose to nose with him under the blankets.

He kissed my nose and tucked my damp hair behind my ear.

"Isabella," he winked.

I kissed him again and I knew we would never ever get tired of kissing each other.

"I love you Edward. More than is bearable sometimes."

"You're beautiful."

I snickered and he rolled his eyes at me.

"Shut up," he said.

"What was I like?"

His smile was wide and appreciative as if he had expected that I would ask that and it was my turn to roll my eyes at him and say 'shut up.'

"Couldn't you tell by my reaction to you? You were perfect."

I snickered again and he pinched my butt cheek.

"I need to go to the bathroom real quick. Don't move," he instructed.

"Yes sir."

He was back in two minutes and I admired his naked and perfectly sculpted body on his way to the bathroom and back. He stopped by his nightstand and fiddled with his alarm clock, then opened the drawer, took something out, closed his hand around it and climbed up onto the bed again. He settled in under the covers and pulled me against him, making sure that we were wrapped in snuggly under the covers and that our legs were intertwined.

"What's in your hand?" I asked.

He slipped some thing around my neck then and clasped it.

"Turns out," he said. "That you're not the only one with surprises. Happy Birthday baby."

When the pendant fell against me, I took it between my fingers and stared down at it in awe.

"Oh my God…._Edward_!" My heart sputtered as he stroked my cheek with his thumb.

"It's a Guardian Amulet," he said and took the pendant from my fingers and raised it between us. The little silver charm glistened like a magical little thing. "It's a Triquetra Knot and it's for protection. We both know how much you need that."

I stared at it with wide, glassy eyes, speechless and awed.

"It also represents eternity and continuity, like my love for you."

My eyes teared up.

"Edward…."

"And it's also the Celtic symbol for Goddess and femininity…like you are to me."

"It's….beautiful," I managed to gasp. "It's _perfect_."

He kissed my forehead. "I'm sorry your birthday sucked."

"Oh m God, I don't know what to say….," I choked up and swallowed the lump in my throat. "I love it. Thank you Edward. When did you get it?"

I clasped the pendant in my hand and snuggled up to him closer. He put his arms around me again and started stroking my back.

"Never mind that," he smiled and kissed my nose. "I'm glad you like it."

"Like it…Edward…I adore it. It's the most thoughtful gift anyone has given me, and it's so light and beautifully simple. I'm never taking it off."

He cradled my head under his chin then and sighed contentedly.

"Are you tired?" He asked.

"A little."

"Good. We have until 6pm to sleep before Carlisle comes home. I set my alarm."

I pressed myself to him and curled up comfortably in his embrace with our legs interlocked.

The silence between us after that as we drifted off to sleep was peaceful. We were fulfilled and contented and there wasn't anything that needed to be said that wasn't expressed in the simple way we held and trusted each other.

His gap had already left my head and as we drifted off to peaceful slumber in each other's arms, we embodied the reflection of two battered and bruised souls clinging to each other and bound for a version of heaven that would not be denied to us from there on out. There was no force audacious enough to challenge it anymore, no pain or grief unbearable enough, no demons too strong, no situation too big, no two minds about anything, nor invincible enemies borne along the way. Nothing was unconquerable anymore as long as we loved each other like that. We had been through it all, been to hell and back, and all it did was thicken the seal that held us together.

Finally I felt strong enough to let go of what I needed to and just let my life be with the help of a new mantra to help me by:

'_What doesn't kill Bella – makes Bella a bad ass.'_

I, Isabella Swan, for the first time in my life felt like a bad ass.

Bring it on.

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PLEASE CONTINUE ON TO THE EPILOUGUE!!!!


	59. Epilogue

A/N: This epilogue has been long overdue. It took forever but it's here and it's great and you can all thank **twilightjonasfreak96** for making it happen! She stalked me obediently until I did it! It wouldn't have happened if it weren't for her persistence..lol.

**Great news! Conflicted has been nominated for an Indie TwiFic Award! It was nominated for Best AH Action or Drama! Please vote for it! I will need the votes! I'd appreciate it so much. I don't know which one of my readers nominated this story but I would really like to find out that so that I may thank you! Thank you sweet person whoever you are! I am honored. **

Here's the link - http://www. theindietwificawards. com/ ValidatedStoriesByCategories. aspx **(without all the spaces of course. NO spaces. wouldn't let me paste the link properly)**

Voting starts Feb 20th. Follow me on Twitter to get updates on how and when to vote! (Psyche001). I look forward to your support people!

My second story Set in Stone is also nominated for an Indie - AU Story that knocks you off your feet. Vote for that one too!

(Beg much??? – l know! lol)

* * *

**EPILOGUE**

**Edward**

Six months later, we were halfway into January and working real hard at all that New Year resolution crap. I'd never had a New Year resolution that I'd kept and since the deaths of my mother and Marcus, I'd stopped making them. At Bella's insistence however, I found the perfect one; sex everyday for the year. And like I said, we were working_ real_ hard at it.

Christmas was eventful with Charlie. More than once I caught him trying to sneak Captain Morgan behind the scenes, and more than once I almost planted my fist into his face. Time was wearing thin and the more of it that passed the more Charlie's control waned. It was plain to see and it made me an impatient fucker with the nastiest chip on my shoulder.

Ignoring that, Christmas wasn't half bad. It was kind of nice having the whole family back together for the holidays since Alice and Emmett had left for college in September. Rosalie was the only one I didn't care for. However, I was accustomed to her being that abominable chink in my armor that would never smooth itself the fuck out. So, as usual, I ignored her attitude and insistence on irritating me when she came home with Emmet for Christmas. Not that she stood out at all with everything that was happening with Bella and Charlie. Carlisle and Esme's wedding was also a forerunner in the attention seeking department. It was two months away, during Spring Break, so that Alice and Emmett could come home without having to miss school.

Charlie and I had the strangest relationship. Until January, he lived with Bella at the house. The MarcBeth Rehabilitation Center was only ready to receive him in the middle of January, making those six months of him living with Bella the longest six months of my fucking life. Even though the physical structure was ready, there were still a lot of medical board approvals that needed to go through. The three senior doctors that were relocating to work in the hospital also needed time to wrap up their lives elsewhere and move their entire families down to Forks. The entire charade took six staggering months. I was going out of my mind.

On the one hand I could see that Charlie was trying to stay in line, adopt a healthy diet as was imposed on him by Bella, and live alongside her amicably. On the other hand however, he was ever the asinine fool with the attention span of a toddler and the temper of a bull. In all honesty so was I, and that made it very easy to clash with him. We constantly rocked back and forth often between polite tension and near biting each other's heads off. Or maybe it was just _me_ always being held back from biting _his_ head off, maybe.

Then there was the jealousy thing that I just couldn't work my way though. We were both jealous of the other in ways that purely sucked. He hated the way Bella had gravitated toward me, seemingly away from him, and I hated the unspoken bond between them. Every stubbed toe and pricked finger made them giggle quietly together because as soon as it happened to him, she felt it.

"Sorry," he would say.

"It's ok," she would giggle out. "Clutz."

A few times I slapped myself in the face just to get her attention. She always knew what I was doing and when I tried to giggle with her like she did with Charlie, she just raised her eyebrow and sent me a look of disbelief.

"Stop with the slapping, Edward," she would say. "That's not cool."

_What a bitch_.

After all of Charlie's fuckery and complaining in Florida about how much of a burden she was and how trapped he felt by her physical connection to him, he hated it when the first signs of her detachment started to show. I fucking loved and reveled in it. It was my one hope in all that mess, that she would be healed of him. He wasn't good for her in that way. He also hated it when Bella and I got physical in front of him. It made him feel excluded I figured, and he bitched about it a lot. I had to keep reminding him that we weren't the _Three fucked up Musketeers_.

I on the other hand, couldn't stand that snotty fucker, Jacob Black. Sad to say, but he was another source of my jealousy. He came around too often and had an above normal interest in Charlie. He was all the rave about how fucking great Charlie was and how nasty I was to him, and that it wasn't healthy for his recovery.

I had to tell him "fuck off" one too any times and that a half ass doctor rate didn't give him the right to talk to me like that. Just who the fuck did Jacob Black think he was anyway?

He didn't fool me. I knew he was only trying to impress Bella with all his "hands on" shit with Charlie. Left to it without me in the fucking picture, he'd have been just as head strong and impatient with the alcoholic asshole as I was. And all it proved was that he didn't care about Bella half as much as I did. He'd never gone through the crippling fright of seeing her suffer like she did under Charlie's curse and he didn't know the insatiable need to save her from his wretched stink. All he was, was an arrogant imbecile with an eye on my girl and I didn't appreciate it one bit. As huge as he motherfucking was, I wouldn't have hesitated to pummel his ass all the way back to La Push and sink him in the ocean somewhere. I not so secretly waited and hoped for the opportunity, and so help me, every ounce of rage I had to stifle with Charlie over time would have flared out on _Sir_ Dr. Jacob Black.

Things had changed drastically when I returned from Florida. Bella and I for starters, were better than we could ever have hoped for. I had thought for sure during our ordeal and through all our fighting in the beginning that we were destined for a rocky road to relationship hell. I'd thought that she was way too introverted, withdrawn and fragile looking for all my selfish bullshit; but my girl proved me wrong. Watching her evolve right in front of my eyes everyday was a sight only for the strong hearted. She had a way of biting down on pressure and kicking it in the ass like it was nobody's business. I'd been a front line witness to her strength and struggle with Charlie and even after all that time, she still continued to amaze me.

Our sex life was ever the milestone accomplishment. At first I wanted to keep sex at bay because I hated the idea of spoiling what made her so different and precious to me. My trip to Florida however, cured that nobility. After taking her virginity on the day I discovered the shock of a surprise in my mother's nursery…..all fucking hell broke loose. We couldn't keep our hands off each other after that. _She_ thought she'd waited long enough for that stage in our relationship. Well, she had no fucking idea how strangled the sex mongrel was inside of me. She never saw it coming with such ferocity. Letting that bat out of the cave was an irreversible move and she quite literally got put in her horny little place. I made her have sex with me everyday, including public holidays and Sundays. She wanted it and so she got it. The permanent flush she had developed on her complexion because of our bunny behavior was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen. Her cheeks were always glowing with pink circles and the rest of her body looked like she was suffering a permanent fever.

Putting sex aside however, she was a rock of strength. By far, the most incredible thing to witness was her progress in physically detaching herself from Charlie. In no way did I expect or even want her to divorce herself from him completely. Even though I hated it, I knew I had to learn to accept that she would always love him in a way I couldn't control. And if having her stale drunk father in her life was making her happy, so fucking be it; but I wanted their empathic connection to cease.

For a while after returning to Forks I was nervous about her ability to do it. I saw her relax in her new lifestyle with him and I worried that she would recline in the comfort of having him so near. I didn't want her to lose her drive to separate her mind from his because he seemed to be recovering.

She proved me wrong, again. I didn't know how it worked, what motivated her or if it was an actual, conscious decision of hers; but the day came when I literally saw the line that set her apart from Charlie. I almost cried.

It was two weeks into January and Jasper and I were smoking on my balcony. That was also the day Charlie was to be admitted to Marcbeth's. Charlie was resisting days early like I knew he would, and so I needed to calm my shit before facing off with him.

"I can't believe how much I miss that fucking girl," Jasper grunted as he blew a line of smoke out his nose. Alice had gone back to school the week before. He was always moping about Alice lately.

"Shut up, aren't you going over there next weekend?" I said, pulling on my own cig.

"Yeah, but it's like, the more I see her, the harder it is _not_ seeing her. She cried like a baby in the airport last week. Can you believe I'm still in High School and my girl is in college? It fucking blows."

"Dude, I have a long ass Charlie day ahead of me, a fuck load of assignments to complete before Monday and a fitting appointment for the suit I'm to wear to my father's wedding. You know, the one where he's marrying my girlfriend's mother? Spare me the sad story about missing Alice. You see her twice a month and she'll be back for the wedding in Spring Break. Your shit is easy."

"Don't be a fucking prick," he said, flicking his cig butt through the bars of the balcony. "I listen to your shit all the time."

"You _make_ me tell you my shit," I said with a grin. I raised my left wrist then to check the time. "Fuck, it's time. I have to go. Bella's waiting."

"You want help dealing with Charlie?" Jasper asked. I raised an eyebrow at him as I flicked my cig over the balcony and stood up. There was nothing Jasper could do to help but stay the neutral outsider that he was. There was comfort in that. He was my brain cooler.

"No, but you can come if you want. I'm sure he intends on putting on a show today. He's not getting out of this though. Six months was a long wait. He's going into rehab whether he fucking likes it or not."

We walked through my room so that I could get my car keys and cell, then out the door. On our way past Marcus' open bedroom door, I smiled secretly and glanced in.

"So, what's gonna happen now that he'll be in rehab? Bella gonna live in that house by herself? I can't see Esme moving back in there and I don't think they want Bella moving in_ here_….well cause…well obviously, things have escalated between you two."

"I don't know, but I'm not letting her live in a house by herself. Either she comes here and they deal with our relationship, or I'm moving in with her. The only other option is moving in together somewhere new."

"What the fuck? Are you seriously ready to move in with Bella?"

"Why the fuck not? We're both 18 and when we head out to college we'll be together anyway."

"And how exactly are you two gonna support a household? You don't work. You're High School students."

"If I had it figured the fuck out, Jazz, I'd be able to tell you."

"You were right," he said, with a smug chuckle. "My shit_ is_ easier than yours."

"_Now_ who's being the prick?" I grunted, getting into my car.

"See you later." He waved me off, heading towards his own car. "I'll take a rain check on the rehab scene and find something else to do. Call me."

"K."

******

I had my own key to Bella's house much to Charlie's annoyance. When I opened the door that morning and walked in, he was downstairs already, pacing the floor in the open hallway with his hands on his hips.

"Good morning, Charlie," I said.

He blew a stringent breath of air out his nose and shot me a nasty glare.

"You know as well as I do that this is not a good fucking morning," he snapped. I slammed the door with a sigh of annoyance and tried walking past him to the stairs.

"This is unnecessary," he continued to argue. "I've been good. I've been fucking clean since coming here. Why do I still have to go to that place?"

"One," I said, with an arrogant finger in the air as I turned back on my heels to face him. "That place was made because of you. Two, the only reason you're clean is because you were caught every time you tried to sneak something, and because Bella and I clean your room and this entire house every fucking day to make sure you're not hiding any shit. And three, because you made a promise and you're gonna keep it."

"I don't remember making any fucking promise."

"Well, thankfully for you, _I do_."

"Arrogant fuck," he bit out.

"Spineless, half wit, prick….."

"God!" Bella yelled, coming down the stairs. "Do you two ever quit?! Shut up!"

The moment she made it down to the landing I grabbed her by her waist and pulled her glowing face to me with a hand behind her head. I made sure to plant a deep, longing kiss on her so that Charlie would flare up.

He made the mistake of flicking me behind my ear with his fingers. I let go of Bella roughly and turned on him like a devil from hell.

"What the _fuck_ was that?!" I barked in his face.

"Have some respect you fucking punk. I'm standing right here!"

"I know! That was the_ point_!" I shoved him hard in his chest and made him stumble backward. As soon as I did it, I turned back to Bella with wide eyes and grabbed her by her shoulders.

"Fuck, are you ok?!"

She was glaring at me so hard that I knew the pooled blood in her cheeks wasn't sex blood anymore. It was the _"You're a jackass for shoving my father and you're going to pay for that,"_ kind of flush.

"Sorry," I said, closing my eyes minutely with an open palm to her chest.

"Not _me_!! " She yelled, pointing her finger to Charlie. "Him!"

"But he flicked me first!" I argued in rebuttal.

"Edward…" she growled through clenched teeth. She really knew how to wound up the 'bitch-o-meter' when it came to Charlie. I turned to him, spitting anger from every pore of my body and folded my arms. Even more pricking than being embarrassed into apologizing, was the gloat on his face. I narrowed my eyes into slits and bit down hard on my jaw, my pulse popping at my temples.

"I'm fucking sorry," I ground out with difficulty. The gloat was effectively wiped off his face when Bella turned on him next.

"Charlie?" She said next, tapping her foot on the floor.

"What?!"

"Don't you have something to say to Edward?"

"No."

_God, he was such a child._

"Charlie…"

"Fuck! Sorry for flicking your ear! I actually kinda _want_ to go to that fucking prison now if it gets me away from _you_!"

"Whatever works, Charlie," I answered, taking Bella by her hand. "You ready?" I asked her. She was still pissed off at me, but boring my eyes into hers long enough with a one sided smile had a way of melting her. So, that's what I did. Her flush started reassessing itself to that new sex glow of hers. It made my smile widen and my pants tighten. I couldn't wait to bring her back home after dropping Charlie off. The thought alone made me gulp.

It was Saturday and even though I had my suit fitting and homework to do, having sex with my girl was definitely going to make all that other shit wait.

"Yes, I'm ready," Bella answered, squeezing my hand as she read my eyes.

"Well I'm not," Charlie said and walked into the kitchen.

Bella rolled her eyes and sighed, putting her hand up to my chest.

"Let me handle it. You'll only make it worse."

"Don't let him take advantage of you, Bells," I said down into her face. "He has to do this."

"I know. He'll do it. But it's Charlie. We had to expect this. Stay here."

She turned and walked into the kitchen behind him and left me at the foot of the staircase. I couldn't hear what they were saying to each other, but I heard Charlie's aggravated tone and her more subdued one. Pacing the floor wasn't easy. I wanted to storm into the kitchen and demand that Charlie stop being a spoilt prick and just get into the car. That's when I looked around and realized that there were no suitcases in the foyer. I went into the sitting room. There were none in there either. I made a quick run up the stairs and poked my head into his room. The empty suitcases were open on his bed. He hadn't even packed yet.

The blood rushed straight to my head.

"Fucking Charlie," I grunted harshly, bolting through the corridor and back down the stairs. They were in a heated argument when I stormed into the kitchen.

"You haven't even packed yet!" I yelled. "They're expecting you in fifteen minutes and you haven't even packed yet!"

"You're just as in need of this as I am, Bella," he was saying to Bella. "Why the fuck do I have to_ live_ there and you get to just _show up_ for appointments?" He was pointing his finger in her face. I stormed forward and chucked his and away.

"Don't point at her like that."

"Edward, I'm handing this," Bella warned.

"Get the fuck out of here, marvel boy," Charlie bit out. "I'm talking to my daughter."

"Talk all you fucking want, but keep your finger out of her face."

"Edward…"

"Bella, no," I bit out, keeping my eyes on Charlie. "And what are you telling her about her appointments anyway?"

He turned his entire body to face me then and folded his arms defiantly across his chest. "She ought to be in there with me. You know it and I know it. Everybody knows it. She needs help, but somehow I'm the only one everybody's screwing with."

"Grow the fuck up, Charlie," I snapped. "It's a rehab facility. Bella is not a user. You are. She doesn't need to move in there for one shot therapy sessions. What the fuck is your angle here? Why are you resisting? You've been here six months for a specific reason…._this_ reason. Now get the fuck moving!"

"I'm not going anywhere with this asshole," Charlie said, turning back to Bella with raised eyebrows and a thumb in my direction.

Bella had her eyes closed with pinching fingers on the bridge of her nose.

"Charlie," she said in a controlled tone. The tension in her voice was palpable. "You agreed to this. Please don't make this anymore difficult than it has to be. Carlisle already explained everything. You go in, do your program and if you show steady and early progress, you'll get out early. It's not prison. It's a very homely, comfortable place and you will have your own space. It's not bad at all."

"Then _you _move in!"

"Do I have to all Carlisle over here?" She asked, dropping her hands at her sides heavily. "Is that what you want? You want Carlisle to have to get involved?"

"No," he said, then glanced at me with an arrogant expression. "But you can call Jake. I'm not doing anything without him here."

"Fuck," I said, throwing my hands into the air in exasperation.

"I knew you'd like that," he smirked at me.

"Your face gives me indigestion," I bit out at him.

Bella pulled out her cell.

"You're really calling that snotty fuck?" I asked her with wide eyes. She shot me a warning look and held the phone up to her ear.

"One big happy family," Charlie grunted and let his body fall back against the refrigerator lazily. He didn't average his weight properly. The heavy jolt from his body made the large glass vase of Crocus flowers on the top wobble and tumble forward onto his head.

The glass shattered on contact with his skull with a sickening crack. He hobbled forward with the blow and almost fell to the floor. I immediately grabbed for Bella when he yelped in shock.

"Fuckin' shit!" He howled.

Stunningly enough, Bella just stood there with a confused expression and wide eyes stuck on her grimacing father. She flinched initially when the vase burst on his head, but beside that instinctive alarm, there was nothing else.

"Jake, I'm gonna have to call you back," she murmured distractedly.

"Baby?" I asked, with my hands on either side of her face. My eyes scanned her like fiery little balls, searching furiously for any sign that she was hurt from the impact. I rubbed my hands over the top of her head, over her forehead, down the sides of her face, the back of her neck, but she still hadn't budged.

"Baby….."

"Fuck!" Charlie shrieked. I spun around to face him. He had blood running down the sides of his face. "How heavy was that fucker? I'm cut!"

He was soaked in the water from the vase and two of the open flowers stuck out of his hair by their stems. A short laugh belted out of my mouth. I couldn't believe it.

"Does it hurt?!" I demanded with wild eyes. He glared at me.

"Of course it fucking hurts! I'm cut in the head you ass!"

I turned back to Bella with eager, shocked eyes. She was still standing and staring at Charlie with a confused frown pinned on her brow.

"You're ok," I gasped, blinking in utter excitement. "Baby….he is hurt! It hurts! But you're ok! Do you feel it?"

She blinked and glanced at me fleetingly, then back at Charlie. Her frown deepened then and I saw her swallow.

"Is there a gap?" I asked carefully.

"Not even a little one," she whispered, with a far off look in her eyes. Her expression disturbed me. She seemed almost upset. I turned back to Charlie and grabbed his shoulders.

"Where does it hurt?" I asked him with a small shake.

"You don't care one bit about me, do you?" He choked out, slightly out of breath by his pump of adrenaline. The dark intonation in his voice made me falter. I blinked at him, slightly taken aback by his question and watched as the blood continued to trickle down the sides of his face and forehead.

"All you care about is that Bella is rid of me. I have glass stuck in my head and the only thing you care about is if she's ok."

"What do you expect? Of course I'd worry about her," I answered, in a matter of fact tone.

"I held up my end of the deal marvel boy," he said. "Now it's your turn. I've been clean for six months."

"And? What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Tell me you love me."

"What?!"

"You made a deal with me in the cab. Stay clean for six months and you'd tell me whatever I wanted you to."

"Ok, he's definitely not sober," I turned back to Bella, sticking my thumb in his direction. "He's high on fucking _something _right now."

"Tell me you love me."

"Fuck off, ass wit."

"I'm calling Jacob," he said. "Bella, give me the phone."

"You think _that's _gonna work?" I shrieked. "I don't give a shit about your fucking love affair with that penis. Call him if you want. I'm not telling you I love you!"

"You made that deal Edward?" Bella asked.

"Don't you start with me woman," I said to her, opening my eyes like two livid saucers.

"Hey Jake," Charlie said into the phone. My head was swelling from the pressure. I was starting to see red. The last thing I needed right then was for that tanned, overgrown fucker to come bouncing in there with all his level headed, concerned for Charlie shit. "Hey man….aw shit, really? Sorry about that earlier. Naw, I'm fine. I just busted my head though. Hey, can you….?"

I grabbed the cell from Charlie's hand and flung it across the kitchen. It smashed against the wall.

"Edward?! What the fuck! That's my phone!" Bella screamed.

"That idiot isn't coming over here right now. There's only so much shit I can take at one time. I'll buy you a new phone."

"You're crazy!!" Bella shrieked.

I faced Charlie then and narrowed my eyes on him. He stood perfectly still with his face and neck stained with lines of blood, staring back at me sadistically.

Bella moved then and I followed her with my eyes. She grabbed a kitchen towel and shoved it under the running water in the sink. She then came back to Charlie and started wiping the blood off his face.

"You're gonna have to change your shirt," she said softly. Her voice cracked and the sound made my heart sink to my stomach. She was hurting, not physically, but she was hurting.

I watched in silence as she tended to him gently. She went through his hair with her fingers on one hand and searched out his cut, all the while dabbing at his skin with the wet towel. I saw the way he looked at her. His eyes went up and down her face with an alien wave of tenderness emoting through them. It was something I'd never seen in his eyes before.

He let out a slow, long sigh and swallowed.

"I don't deserve you," he said to her. "I never have."

She shook her head stubbornly and started wiping his neck. "Stop it."

"I know I'm a pain in the ass, but…" he lowered his eyes to the floor. "How else am I to get your attention, right?"

"I thought you didn't want my attention," she said. "You had it, and you hated it."

"And now that I don't have it anymore, I hate that too, maybe even more."

She dropped her hand with the towel to her side. "You can't have it both ways Charlie."

I wanted to tell him that the only way he could have it was this way, without him in her head; but they were having a rare kind of moment and I actually felt bad to interject. The fact that their moment had nothing to do with me stung, because I was so fixated on Bella and selfish with her love that I wanted it all for myself. Ever since learning about her empathy for him in the beginning I was jealous. It was also one of the reasons for seeking him out. I knew it was ridiculous of me, but most things about me were. I couldn't stand the fact that she was more connected to someone else than me, and so intimately to boot. Father or not, it irked me, and the fact that is was destructive and caused her suffering only made it worse.

It was bitter sweet, witnessing the first time she didn't respond in like manner to his pain. I was bursting with joy on the inside, but her disposition spoiled it for me. Something was bothering her. My eyes got wet and a sturdy lump erected itself in my throat. It was hard to swallow. My entire body felt shell shocked as the reality started to set in. Bella was actually getting better.

Could the nightmare finally be over?

I turned my face up to the ceiling in silent thanks and closed my eyes momentarily, biting down on my jaw.

"I'm going to disappear in there, aren't I?" Charlie asked her. "When I go in, everybody will sigh in relief and wash their hands clean of me….forget about me in there, and go about their lives like I don't exist."

_Oh, for the love of French toast!_

"When have I _ever_ forgotten about you?" She asked him firmly.

He didn't answer.

"When have I ever turned away from you, or ignored you?"

"But it's happening, Bella."

"What are you talking about?" She shook her head in rapt dismissal and started dabbing at his shirt.

"Just now….you don't feel me anymore."

"That's not me ignoring or turning away from you, Charlie."

"Yes, it is. Are you starting to love me less?"

"No…"

"She's getting better!" I yelled from the sideway. "Don't you want her to get better?! You_ like_ that she has to hurt when you do?"

"Fuck off, Edward," he snapped at me. "You know that's not what I meant."

"Guys, please stop it. What hurts me more than anything else is the way you treat each other. One minute you're competing for each other's attention and the next, you're killing one another."

"I don't fight for his attention," I corrected her impatiently.

"Oh yes you do," Charlie came in.

"Go find a tree to fuck," I snapped back at him.

"I know you love me."

"I said, go fuck a tree," I reiterated through clenched teeth.

"Edward!" Bella shrieked.

"Sorry," I apologized.

"Not me…._him_!"

"_Oh, for the love of_…..!"

*****

By the time we had gotten Charlie to the rehab facility, he had made such a royal scene that everyone ended up there. Carlisle was there because he had to be. Jacob as well, go figure. Esme showed up to lend support to Bella and even Jasper made an appearance. Since Emmett, Rosalie and Alice left for college he and I had gotten closer. He had turned into such a sad little guy that needed my company all the time. Lucky for him, I loved him, so it was tolerable.

Carlisle ended up stitching the two cuts on Charlie's head right there in the center and after an awkward good bye between him and Bella, he was escorted away by the welcoming staff. While staring at his retreating back and shifting from foot to foot uncomfortably, I heard Jacob talking to my girl.

"Do you want to come in and stay a while longer?" He asked her.

"Umm….I'm not supposed to be in that meeting. They said it was private."

"Yeah but, I can get you in. You're his daughter." He winked at her; fucking winked at her.

"Hitting_ you_ won't transfer to her face, ass bag," I said dryly. "Back the fuck off. We'll be back later to see him."

He sent me a disparaging look and shook his head before walking off.

"Thanks for everything, Jake," Bella said. He waved over the top of his head as he walked away.

She was quiet in the car on the way back to the house. I knew I had a good ass whooping coming because of my behavior all morning, but I clearly remembered holding back a couple of times. So, in hind sight, it could have been much worse. In fact, she should have been praising me for my effort.

"Are you going to talk? Or am I going to get the silent treatment all day?"

"What do you want me to say Edward? You've been a prick today. I'm used to it with Charlie, but you really don't need to be that way with Jake. He's really been helpful with Charlie and is always a great friend to me."

"I thought I told you I hate it when you call him Jake. His fucking name is Jacob Black."

"That's it. Pull over."

I laughed out and glanced over at her. "What?"

"Pull the car over, Edward."

"What the fuck, Bella. Calm down."

"You haven't heard a thing I've said to you."

"Ok fine! Call him Jake. Fuck. Is it that important to you?!"

"Why are you so jealous!"

"I am_ NOT_ jealous."

"Yes you are! You're always bitching about him being around. We can't deal with Charlie by ourselves, Edward! We need help! And Jacob helps! How often is a doctor so willing to get involved in his patient's personal life and care so much?!"

"Exactly!" I yelled, slamming my hand against the steering wheel. "He's too fucking willing! It's not natural. He's after you and he's trying to replace me in Charlie's life. He flirts with you right in my fucking face and you expect me to be ok with that?"

"Edward! What the hell is the matter with you? Oh, for fuck's sake! Do you really think Jacob is a threat to you? _REALLY_? Because that's just insulting."

I loved it when she got angry and developed a feisty tongue. It got me hot for her.

"Of course I don't think he's a threat, but he's disrespectful. He knows it ticks me off and he does it on purpose."

"You're the _last_ person that should be branding someone else for disrespect. And when has he been disrespectful anyway?"

"Just fucking now! He winked at you!"

"Soooo _what_!"

"I am not fighting with you about this, Bella. Today is shit. Charlie went into rehab. We have to go back there again later and check on him. I didn't get to tell him a proper good bye. He's being a pain in the ass and I have my fucking fitting for my suit today. I'm also horny like fuck! So I don't need to be fighting with you right now, ok? I need you to do this _with_ me."

She folded her arms and turned her face out the window.

"Since when are you so pissed off about the way I talk to Jacob anyway?" I asked when she didn't respond. "I always talk to him like that and you usually just ignore it. Is it your dad? Are you stressed that he finally went in?"

And then it hit me.

I squeezed the steering wheel until my knuckles went sheer white. I knew I'd seen it in her eyes when the vase broke on his head earlier. Something was on her mind, bothering her, and so everything was pissing her off.

"Talk to me," I said in a dead pan tone.

"I don't feel like it right now."

I swerved to the side of the road unexpectedly and came to an abrupt, screeching halt. We both shot forward with the jolt but the seatbelts locked in place.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again, Edward. You drive like an ass."

"Bella," I said, turning to face her in my seat.

"Edward."

"I'm right here. So I'm a prick and I'm always saying fucked up things, but please, don't let that make you shut me out."

"I can't talk to you about this part."

"You can talk to me about any fucking thing, Bella. Don't say shit like that to me."

"You won't like it."

"I love you. Talk to me."

"I'm afraid you'll think I'm weak and that I'm ungrateful after everything you've done for me." Her voice was cracking and I could see her chin quivering from her side profile.

With one swift movement I unbuckled my seatbelt, leaned over and turned her face to me. She already had tears in her eyes. Regardless of what she thought I had no intentions of letting her hide from me. That was one thing I hated and had no tolerance for. She was my fucking pride and joy, the love of my life, my reason for breathing and wanting to be. There was no life for me without that girl and no me without her. We'd gone to hell and back through fire and I'd have been damned if I was about to let a shitty morning and some estrogen stand in the way of getting her to open up.

"Bella, there isn't a weak bone in your body. You are single handedly the strongest and most resilient person I know. Sometimes I wonder if you even understand how much I love you," I said, shifting my eyes back and forth between her glassy, brown ones. My hands were on either side of her face. "There is nothing you can't tell me and keeping shit inside because you're afraid of a fight is stupid. So we'll fight, but haven't you learned by now that making up is fucking sweet?"

She sighed and leaned the weight of her head into one of my hands.

"I'm disappointed in myself," she said. "I thought I'd be able to…."

Her voice trailed off and she straightened her back, turning her face forward.

"I know it's what I want," she continued. "It's what I've been working toward this whole time, and Edward…." Her tears finally came and she glanced at me from the side. "I really wanted you to be proud of me when it finally happened."

I waited for her to finish.

"I wanted it to be an accomplishment, like finally…." She sobbed and stopped to sniffle and inhale. "Finally, it happened without me having to force it. I thought I'd be happy and that it would be something to celebrate….but…."

Her tears got in the way. She could barely breathe now she was crying so hard. Her shoulders were heaving and her hair had fallen forward, blocking her profile from me. I used my fingers to smooth her hair back and tuck it behind her ear.

"Why do I feel like this?" She cried. "Why does it feel so horrible, like a part of me has died?"

I dropped my eyes to her lap and tried to find the right words to console her. The truth was, I knew she felt like that before she even said it and I was afraid of it. Her mind was so on point and on cue with her feelings that the slightest inclination to hold on to Charlie had the power to relinquish any progress she had made. It was as easy as that. That's why I got so fucking pissed when Charlie started with all that sentimental bullshit when she was cleaning his face. One guilt trip was all it took to reel her back in.

I looked at her sadly, seeing her pain and knowing with certainty that she really _did _need psychiatric help. I tried to heal her with my love and hoped that crowding her life with mine would be sufficient to distract her. I had hoped that I could fill her to such completion that nothing else mattered. But the truth slapped me in the face that day and I had to finally admit that her problem was bigger than me.

"I'm sorry," she cried. "I know that you were so happy to see that this morning. And now I'm ruining it with my nonsense."

"No," I said softly, reaching out to stroke her face. "It's ok. I actually understand. I wish you felt differently, but I understand why you feel like you do."

"Don't get me wrong, Edward," she sniffled out. "I want to get better. I don't want to be bound to him like that anymore. As much as I held on to it, I didn't like it, especially when you were away. I'm happier now than I've ever been in my life and you Edward are the _only _reason for that. I want to not have to worry about Charlie anymore.

I want to think that we can go off to college this year and be at peace with him living alone, confident that he's healthy and that he won't hurt himself. I really do think, especially because of you, that it's time to separate myself from him in that way. It's not fair to you, or to us. But at the same time, I can't help but feel like he's this part of me I don't know how to lose.

He's still my dad and I will always love him in a special way. I didn't know how I'd feel when it finally happened, but I didn't expect to be this affected by it. I guess it's because I've been programmed a certain way all my life, and it's just…..strange to have it suddenly disappear."

"But it wasn't sudden. It's been happening ever since I left for Florida. You started seeing a difference since back then."

"I know, but now he's here and he's trying so hard to be good," she said, turning to face me in her seat. "I felt nothing this morning…nothing. Not a lance, not a wave, not a vibration. His gap was completely non existent. It caught me off guard."

"Are you still willing to fight this?" I asked. She bit down on her bottom lip and bore her eyes into mine. Then with a small nod, she agreed.

"Yes, I do, especially for you."

"Don't do it for me, Bella," I said. "That's the problem all along. You think you're doing it for me, but it has to be for you. You have to want it for yourself. That's the only way it's going to work."

"I'm working on it," she said. "I'm making progress, I promise. I won't let you down."

"Progress? Bella! You achieved a monumental feat this morning! Do you have any idea how incredible that was?! I wanted to scoop you up right there on the spot and consummate that shit!"

"What?" She laughed, wiping her cheeks. "_That _made you want to have sex?!"

"Hell yeah! That was a fuck worthy moment! I was so fucking thrilled to see that, you have no idea. And even though it's hard, I have no doubt that we'll beat this Bella. You want it, I know you do. You're just afraid of it, but there isn't anything to be afraid of, not with me. I'll take care of you, baby. I love you."

She smiled widely, leaned over and pressed her heavenly pout against my lips.

"You make everything worth it." She smiled on my lips. "What would I do with you, Edward?"

"There's no _without me_, so don't even think it."

"Well then…" She smiled seductively and bit my bottom lip. "How's about we go home and celebrate my progress?"

"Hell to the fuck to the yeah," I grinned, and sped off.

*******

**Bella**

It was the first time in forever we were able to unleash ourselves on each other without having to rush it. At my house there was always the chance of Charlie coming home, or him banging on my door if he was already there. Regardless of our circumstances, he was still my father and the thought of him knowing I was having sex in the same house as him grossed me out.

The Cullen mansion was even worse. Esme was always around and when she knew I was there, she made it a point to hover and check in on us every fifteen minutes. Our only free time was on afternoons after school and even then, Esme had a sixth sense and would find her way home early to the mansion whenever she could. When she couldn't, she called me incessantly until she knew I was home with Charlie.

This time however, there was no Charlie coming back home. Carlisle was occupied at Marcbeth's with his dream team for the day, and Esme had to run into Port Angeles with her wedding planner to collect the outdoor lanterns. She had them shipped across from Seattle for the wedding. For the next few hours, we were free.

Edward had an insatiable sexual appetite. Even after doing it every day for the past six months, he still couldn't get enough. We didn't even make it up the stairs when he pushed me through the door. He was eating at my lips and breathing down my throat frantically, his hands tangling in my hair. We'd only gotten three steps up when his hands were already inside of my panties, rubbing against my already swollen, flickering clitoris.

My knees buckled instantly and I slumped against him. It was impossible to walk. The grunt he exhaled against my face was evidence enough that he didn't care where we were as long as we were inside. It was his _"fuck it"_ grunt. His gap spread out behind my eyelids quickly and all at once he overtook me.

My jeans were already under my butt. His middle finger was working feverishly inside my panties, up and down, fast as a bullet, making me cling and gasp intelligibly.

"I've been thinking about this all morning," he groaned, coming down on top me roughly.

I grabbed onto his hair and pulled his face down to mine. Our teeth clashed when our tongues collided and the taste of the cigarette smoke in his mouth made me croon and ooze harder between my legs. My moisture excited him and his crude comment in my ear about my wetness made me flicker delightedly under his finger. His groin was pressing against my thigh, screaming for an exit from his pants. So I helped him out. With harassed and frantic movements, I unbuttoned his jeans and released him, taking him into my hands as best as I could through my haze.

The edges of the steps were boring into my back but I didn't care. I dropped my head back onto the highest step and moaned when I felt his fingers slide up inside of me. My blood rushed to the surface when he dropped his head into my neck and started sucking. Every part of me burst into wet flames.

He needed better access between my thighs so he impatiently pulled his mouth away from my neck and yanked my pants and underwear off with one harsh tug. Once he was back on top of me, he spread my legs wider to accommodate his length and thrust his fingers inside of me again. His other hand went in under my top and under my bra.

My head fell back again and my eyes rolled to the back of my head when he started thrusting again. I rocked my hips back and forth on his fingers, loving the sensation but growing wildly impatient for the real ride. His mouth was on the other side of my neck then, one hand was massaging my nipple under my top and his fingers were slapping in and out of me stealthily. In the middle of it all he was fiddling with his own pants, trying to use his feet to pull them off at his ankles. Fighting with his pants for minutes on end got him frustrated so that when he finally got them off and kicked to the side, he rushed at me with a vengeance.

"I want you now," he panted against my mouth, raising himself in line with me. "I'm about to explode. I have to have you _now_."

"Yes Edward, yes," I gasped breathily.

I had no qualms about it being raw and harsh. We had our moments when we were tender and emotional, but there were times like these when we just needed to tear each other apart. The stress of the morning took its toll and we needed release.

He replaced his fingers with his brutish erection. The first thrust sent my butt and hips back into the step. My lower back got a nasty lash and my scream was both an exclamation of pleasure and shocking pain. Needless to say, nothing was bad enough to make me stop him. I had wanted Edward with an insurmountable passion ever since I met him and he had tormented me by making me wait. Having him take my body to physical oblivion was more than anything I had expected. He knew exactly how to touch me, how to kiss me, and how to give me an orgasm. He knew the curve of my body and how to play me like a fiddle; making all kinds of music belt from my throat.

He repositioned his hands on the same step that my back was pressed against, on either side of me. With that leverage, he dropped his hips and drove himself deeper inside. Every thrust sent me crashing into the edges of the steps and I cried out with every one. My shoulders were getting a beating. The discomfort was masochistic and it made me burst into a feverish sweat.

"Do you need to move?!" He grunted wildly.

"Nuh-Uh!"

"You sure?!"

"Yuh…!!"

"Bella, you're so fucking red!" He exclaimed into my face as he rocked his hips madly into me. "I love it."

I dug my nails into his butt cheeks and pushed him deeper inside. We were going fast and my knees were jerking back. I more than felt his body. I felt his internal pleasure and it meshed with mine powerfully. The double effect was astounding. I couldn't do anything but squeeze my eyes shut, pin my eyebrows together and try not to pass from the overwhelming thrill.

I felt him harden inside of me. The muscles in his butt were tight and even with my eyes closed I knew that the muscles in his shoulders and back flexed with every move he made. I knew him by heart.

I opened my eyes to look the reddened pleasure on his face. His head was bent. He too was flushed and his messy, overgrown bronze locks were damp and falling into his eyes. His jaw was firmly locked and his eyes were clouded with a sexual haze. Satisfied with the vision of him and dropped my head back onto the step and pushed myself toward him harder.

We were very near. Not only did I feel him swell, but I felt the burst of pleasure that always came before his orgasms. That sensation drove me higher. My screams were uncontrollable.

"I'm near."

"I know!" I cried out.

I stopped feeling the steps stabbing at my body. We were going too fast for any pain to trump the intense pleasure. I only felt him. His white light burst out in splinters in my head and his gap fortified itself. His explosion and the sound that erupted from his throat made my body seize. Mine came the very next second. I had to bite into his shoulder in order to displace some of the blast. The double orgasms were always extreme and crippling. Every muscle in my body locked in place. When biting him didn't work, I threw my head back and screamed with wide eyes. The veins in my neck and face raised and threatened to burst.

The seconds were long. He collapsed on top of me and clung with his arms around my waist. A solid minute later, my body slowly unlocked itself from around him and gave way to trembling. He squeezed me tighter.

"Shit," he gasped, still breathless and flushed. "Uhhhhh."

"I know," I whispered unevenly, also out of breath. "I…..knoooww."

*****

**Two months later – Spring Break**

**The wedding**

**Bella**

"Bella!" Alice screamed from the foot of the stairs. "What the hell are you doing?!! We have to get over to the mansion now!"

"I'm coming!" I yelled back, darting through the corridor upstairs. "Oh my god!! Where's my corsage! Alice I can't find my corsage!!"

"Forget it! I have extras! Mom just called!"

Running down the stairs in heels was a bad idea and I almost went catapulting the entire way down.

"You're so beautiful!" Alice squealed, grabbing me by my wrist to pull me through the front door. "I did a good job!"

Alice had flown in to Forks two days before the wedding for the bachelorette party. She stayed at the Cullen mansion of course, even though I told her it'd be fine to stay with Edward and me at the house. Esme and Carlisle didn't try fighting with us about Edward's decision to move in with me. They wanted me to move into the mansion instead, but after much thought, they agreed to let us test the waters since we had plans of living together when we left for college. They also paid for everything, since they'd be doing it when we moved away.

Carlisle however, had a major request. He had pulled Edward aside and given him a lengthy speech about responsibility and adulthood and about what he thought was right given the nature of our relationship. He wanted Edward and me to get engaged because living together was only right if there was marriage or at least the intention of marriage.

"You want to be an adult," Carlisle had said. "Then be an adult. I expect good news soon."

He left it at that. I didn't ask any questions or probe into Edward's mind about what he thought about it. In fact, it was Esme who told me about their conversation. I knew how Edward's mind worked. When he felt pressured or anxious, he withdrew into himself and got agitated. And as much as the thought of being engaged to him thrilled me, I was afraid to press. I sought comfort in the fact that he moved in with me at all given Carlisle's warning. I figured that the move had to have meant something to him. So with that in mind I tried not to harp on the obvious; that he hadn't said a word to me about his conversation with Carlisle.

Charlie was already out of rehab and living on the Quileute reservation. He and Billy Black had gotten very close and Billy had offered him a job at the private High School on the res. Ever since the day in the kitchen when the vase broke on his head, I hadn't felt anything transfer from him to me. There were times when a slight sensation would flicker and I would jump up, gasp then hold my breath, excited almost, waiting for his gap to appear. And when it didn't, my heart fell. I missed him. It made me sad at times, but Edward was always there and he pulled me through everyday. We visited Charlie very often and sometimes Edward agreed to let me go alone. On those days Charlie and I spent hours together, walking and talking and eating. He had improved so much. He and Edward were still contentious, but with me, he was calm.

*****

The entire week building up to the wedding was tense. Not only was Esme running about like a headless chicken, but I couldn't help but feel an additional welt of anxiety on becoming Edward's step sister. It didn't count as incest, but the title I knew meant something to many people. Despite our conviction to stick it out and face the music, the elephant in the room was still very large and very pink. It stood out, and though our friends and family tried to ignore it, I couldn't.

"We should have gotten ready at the mansion," Alice complained as she sped toward the Cullen Estate in the Porsche. It was mine now that she was at college, but she never let me drive it when she came home. She was still as bossy as ever.

"Why?" I asked, smoothing my Bride's maid's dress over my lap. "We still have lots of time to help mom get ready. Getting dressed first was a perfect idea, now we can focus completely on her."

"Yes, but we should have gotten ready over there."

"Aw, come on! I wanted my sister all to myself for two hours! I missed you too you know!"

She sent me a sideways smile and nodded. "I can't wait to see Jazz in his suit. He's going to be so adorable!"

"I wonder how Edward's making out with Charlie. He went to pick him up at the res." I wondered out loud, staring out the window. Edward had insisted on collecting Charlie even though he could have easily come with Jacob and Billy. There was still that territorial, ongoing battle between him and Jacob for Charlie though Edward would have never,_ ever_ admitted to it.

Esme was surprisingly quite calm when we burst into her bedroom.

"Stop running," she said smilingly. "You're going to ruin your makeup with all that sweat."

"Oh please," Alice said, chucking off her heels to help Esme get into her dress. "Nothing's cutting through this sucker." She pointed to her face and I groaned.

I cringed at the thought of how much gunk I had sitting on my face.

There was essentially nothing for me to do but supply chatter. I'd already made the bouquets the day before and arranged all the flowers in the church and in the reception area on the estate. That was my contribution to the wedding. Ever since Elizabeth's nursery, botany was my hobby and I still tended to the nursery three times a week after school and on weekends. Alice had Esme under control. After the dress, she did her hair and makeup, retouched mine then put on her shoes again.

"Bella, where's your corsage?" Esme asked.

"Are you even getting married today?" I asked. "Where are your nerves? How the hell can you pick out that I'm not wearing my corsage?"

"This is not my first time, remember?" She answered.

"But it's your first time with _Carlisle_," Alice teased with singing emphasis on Carlisle's name. Esme clasped her hands over her chest and sighed. I had to smile. She looked sincerely happy and I couldn't begrudge her that happiness. She had gone through a lot of stress and heartache and a lot of it was my doing. Being happy for her on her big day was the least I could have done to assuage whatever hurt there was between us.

"You look beautiful, Mom," I said to her. She really did. Alice piled her hair in organized, messy swirls on top of her head and left loose tendrils at the sides of her face and neck. The flowers in her hair matched the magenta highlights on her cream dress, which also pulled in our magenta knee length dresses.

"Thank you, Bella," she said with a smile. That thank you had many meanings. She was thinking me too for my blessing. God only knew, Edward and I could have made things awful and difficult for them. I was glad that the four of us were able to understand and just let each other be.

Alice and I stood in the church parlor with Esme an hour later, waiting for Jasper to give us the cue that it was time. Emmett was the groomsman and Edward was Carlisle's best man. They were already at the altar with Carlisle, waiting for the bridal party. I had a swarm of nervous butterflies in my stomach. Alice was bouncing all over the room and fussing over Esme and Jasper kept popping in and out to steal kisses from her.

"Are they ready yet?" Alice giggled when he popped in for the hundredth time. I didn't know how Esme was holding it together. It was her wedding and she was as calm as a zephyr; me, not so much.

"Yes," Jasper grinned. "It's time ladies."

Alice squealed. My arm pits reacted with nervous perspiration.

"Ugh," I groaned.

"Ok girls," Esme smiled and took a deep breath. "Time."

I turned to her and blinked.

"Bella," she said in a reassuring tone. "I promise you. Everything will be alright. We're a strong family."

I was as transparent as glass. My anxiety was plastered all over my face. Try all I might, I couldn't hide it. I smiled for her benefit though and shook it off.

"Of course! What are you talking about?! Let's go!" I clapped.

"You're in front Bella," Alice said, shoving my bouquet into my hand. "Oh wait! Here!"

She grabbed a box off the side board, pulled out a corsage and slipped it around my wrist.

With a spank on my ass, she pushed me toward the door.

I swallowed and walked out toward where I saw Jasper standing at the mouth of the aisle. He was surrounded by my flowers.

On making it to his side, he smiled at me and winked.

"You look pretty, Bella," he said, then gestured with his head toward the aisle. "Your boy's waiting."

I raised my eyes then and turned to face the altar. I spotted Edward immediately. It wasn't hard to miss that overgrown mass of bronze hair. His eyes thawed on me and raised my pores. The organ player started playing the wedding march then and everyone in the packed church turned around noisily to look. Edward was astonishing. He was tall and lean and by far the most handsome man up there. He was right next to Carlisle. I saw him swallow and shift his weight slightly. His hands were clasped in front of him.

"Bellaaaa," Alice hissed from behind me. "March!"

I walked forward to the cue of the music with my eyes on Edward. Esme was behind Alice who was behind me….walking down the aisle toward her husband to be. I was walking down the aisle toward my step brother to be…and everybody in that church knew it.

It could have been an overactive case of nerves, but I thought I felt their eyes boring into the sides of my face. I thought I could hear them chastise and judge me for my relationship with Edward. Hypocrites they were; sitting in that church to celebrate with Carlisle and Esme, waiting to eat their food and get drunk on their drink; all the while judging us for the strangeness of our family. Something probably flashed across my face then because Edward pinned his brows together and nodded slowly, his eyes holding mine intently. He was pulling me toward him. It wasn't hard. His energy shot out and snagged me and my feet suddenly felt lighter.

When I had gotten to the step up, he opened his smile and winked. My heart tripped and I turned left to stand opposite him. Alice came next, then Esme. When Esme stepped up next to Carlisle, she handed me her bouquet and sent me a reassuring smile. It amazed me the way she stayed connected to me in the middle of her own show, sending me secret waves of encouragement whenever she could.

Edward was still looking at me from on the other side of our parents. His eyes were searching and gentle and his lips were pulled up ever so slightly on one side of his mouth. I felt his eyes on my skin and it made me flush. I just knew I was getting redder with every passing minute that he stared at me like that.

Then he mouthed the words "I love you" to me and I blushed insanely.

The ceremony passed with Edward and I bonded like that. Whenever I dropped my eyes or looked away from him, he dug his finger nails into his palm and got my attention again when I felt the sensation in mine. I hardly heard any words that were said because Edward had me completely distracted with his aura. At one point I scanned the crowd for Charlie and when I found his scowl on the bride's side near the back, I stifled a giggle and looked back to Edward.

When the ceremony was over, Carlisle and Esme turned toward the congregation and accepted their applause. Edward and I met in the center behind them, interlinked arms and walked out behind the bride and groom.

"You're stunning," he whispered to me, as we walked out.

"Even with all this makeup?" I smirked self consciously.

"Baby…" He smiled and dropped our arms so that he could interlock our fingers. "Nothing can spoil that face."

Once we were outside, Emmett walked up to us and lifted me off the floor.

"Put me down you big oaf!" I squealed.

"Well, just look at my Bellalita!" Emmet laughed, setting me back on my feet. "All girlie and shit. I'd hold you in a head lock right now and knuckle your hair if it wasn't Alice that did it."

"You afraid of Alice, Emmett?" I laughed.

"Hell fucking yeah. That bitch is freakishly strong for such a little person."

"Not bad," Rosalie said, coming up beside him with a painted smile on her face. Of course, she was stunning in her body hugging, sweetheart gown that grazed the floor. The color was teal and it made her blue eyes pop exquisitely.

"Edward," she acknowledged Edward. At least she was trying to be nice, though there was arrogance in her tone.

Edward saw the words before they came out of her mouth and raised his hand.

"Shut it, Rose," he said. "Don't even think about saying it. Now's not the time."

She raised an eyebrow and smirked, intertwining her arm with Emmett's.

"What? I was just to indicate how cute you two are with your matching colors. Your tie matches Bella's dress. Matching siblings are always so adorable."

"Fucking shit," Edward cursed and grabbed my hand immediately.

"You know what Rose," I said, raising my chin to square off with her.

"No, what?" She smiled provokingly at me.

"Go find a tree to fuck."

"Haaa!" Emmett squealed, raising a hand to his mouth.

"Baby!" Edward grinned with wide eyes.

"Emmett Cullen, shut the fuck up," Rose grunted. She spun on her heels and stormed away.

"Aw, babe!" Emmett laughed and took off behind her. "Come on! It was funny! Don't be _maaaad_!"

Nothing had changed between those two.

"You learn well," Edward said against my temple, kissing the spot.

"I listen to you when you talk," I answered.

"Then I shall continue to depart my wisdom on you," he laughed. "Ugh…we have pictures now."

He did the most uncalled for thing then. He took my hand and started skipping across the churchyard to the waiting car, pulling me behind him.

"Edward, what are you doing?" I laughed. He looked utterly ridiculous.

"Come on sis!" He chuckled as he skipped. "Mummy and Daddy are waiting for us for pictures!"

He had me laughing so hard, my stomach started to bind in stitches.

"That will never be funny, Edward!"

What a contradiction that was, because my laughter was so loud it was drawing attention to us.

"You are _never_ to call me sis!"

****

**A few months later**

Edward and I got into different colleges in Downtown, Seattle. They were an hour and half away from each other, but we got our apartment in the middle and that cut our commuting time in half. Jasper made sure to study his ass of so that The University of Washington would have no reason to turn him down. He even qualified for a partial scholarship. We weren't very close to them even though we were all in Seattle, but we agreed to come together as often as possible so that we wouldn't lose touch.

Leaving Forks was emotional. I had lived there for a year and half and had experienced more than most people do in an entire lifetime. Esme cried. Even Carlisle got emotional. He held on to me and couldn't stop kissing the top of my head. He and I especially, had gone through a spell together when Edward was in Florida. I couldn't have gotten through any of that without Carlisle.

"Take care of yourself," he said with my face between his hands. We were on the port in Port Angeles about to board the ferry. "Live well. I'm proud of you."

"Promise me something?" I asked.

"Anything," he said with a slight frown.

"Promise you'll keep an eye on Charlie for me?"

He nodded and smiled. "You didn't even have to ask. His therapy is going well. He's stubborn, but Jacob is good for him."

"Thank you."

Charlie stepped out from behind Esme then and hugged me. He hadn't heard my conversation with Carlisle.

"Don't forget my number," he said.

"Oh, so this time you'll be answering my calls?" I joked.

"I promise," he laughed. "But please don't freak out if I miss one or two."

He turned to Edward then.

"Marvel boy," he said, shoving his hands awkwardly into his pockets. "She's my daughter no matter you think. Take care of her or I'll fuck you up."

Surprisingly enough Edward didn't have a crude rebuttal.

"We're just right over the lake," Edward answered in a weird tone. "Why is everyone getting so sentimental?"

Edward took my hand then and pulled me toward the gate. Esme was waving and holding on to Carlisle. Just before we stepped out Edward stopped and turned back.

"Hey," he called out to Charlie who was walking away toward his truck. Charlie turned around and raised his eyebrows.

"A deal's a deal right?" Edward said.

All Charlie did was stare.

"It took me longer than six months," Edward said uncomfortably with his eyes on the floor. "But, ok…fine. I love you. Now get the fuck out of here and if I hear that you're drinking again, I'll kill you. This time I will, I promise."

My eyes filled up with water and my heart thudded heavily in my chest.

"Arrogant fuck," Charlie said to Edward with a smile.

"Stale drunk pussy," Edward returned.

"Ok!" I came in. "Let's go! Bye! Love you guys!"

*****

Two hours and one nauseating boat ride later, we were dragging our suitcases up the path to our apartment.

"The keys are in my back pack," Edward said, bending to drag the last of the last of the suitcases to the door. The apartment was ready for us. Esme and I had made a trip across two weeks before to put everything in place.

"Why aren't the keys in your pocket?" I asked, rummaging through his bag for the little cigarette lighter key ring.

"It's a huge ass bunch of keys, Bella. I'm not stuffing that in my pocket to look like I have a second penis."

After impatiently raking through the various paraphernalia in his bag I found the bunch and pulled it out.

"Found it," I said, standing up to blow the hair out of my eyes. I shoved the longest key into the hole and froze when I caught a glint of something gold glimmer among the rest of silver metal. My hand dropped away from the bunch that hung from the key hole and my heart started to pound.

Edward's smoky, musk scent wafted around my sides then and encased me. He came up close behind, but remained silent. I dared not move. My palms stated to sweat and I had to stifle the urge to squeal like a newborn pig.

Because the bunch of keys was still swinging gently from where it hung, the diamond suspended on the little gold ring below glinted every time it moved and caught the sun.

"It wouldn't be right to take you over the threshold without this," Edward said, leaning over me with his arm forward. He took the bunch in his hand, turned the key in the door, then pulled it out. I watched as he fingered through the keys until he had the ring between his forefinger and thumb.

"Bella," he said. "You're not saying anything."

I raised my shell shocked eyes to him then and blinked.

He slid the ring on, but it only made it up halfway because it was still attached to the key ring and the ridiculous bunch of keys. I stared at it and nodded with my bottom lip between my teeth, giving way to the biggest smile I had in me.

"Mind being married to a temperamental jack ass that can't drive?" He asked.

I started to laugh then, dangling the bunch of keys from my ring finger playfully.

"I don't mind," I answered, grinning like an idiot. My face started to hurt and I knew I had gone red.

He raised my face with a finger under my chin then and offered me a gentle, chaste kiss.

"I love you so much," I said.

"I love you too, Bella."

"Edward….are you sure about this?"

He put his both hands in my hair then and ran his fingers through its entire length down to my waist. When he got there, he tugged on my ends gently then rested his hands on my waist. My heart gorged when his eyes twinkled and his smile broadened.

"Absolutely."

* * *

**THE END! AGAIN!**

**A/N: So you know that because I'm a romantic sap it had to end fluffy right?? LoL. Come on, after all the stress they went through, they HAD to have a happy ending. It was only fair.**

**I reaaaaaaaaaally hope you liked it. And I REEEAAAALLLLYYY hoped you will review and let me know that you did and what you thought. I will miss this story and this Edward and Bella. They will always be my favorite I think, no matter how many stories I write.**

**Special thanks to twilightjonasfreak96, teambella23 for being the # 1 fan of this story and nicarter who's been waiting patiently for this. Love you ladies !**

**Review! And don't forget to vote for this story in the Indies!! YAY!**


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